Comebacks collections

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

How about never? Is never good for you? You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. His teeth are brighter than he is. No, my powers can only be used for good. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Who me? I just wander from room to room. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. I might be short but you're ugly and I still have time to grow! Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

33. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. 34. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 35. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? 36. Man: Why aren't you married yet? Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life? 37. Man: Why aren't you married yet? Woman: Why aren't you thin? 38. Man: Why aren't you married yet? Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected. But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go. You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out. When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check. They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead. When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us. You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them 39. You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for "Aardvark"

Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop. Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo. If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat. If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in. Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails. Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going. Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut. Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ? Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time. Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it. When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft" When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal" When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one" When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one" When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny" When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those" When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit" When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather" When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy" If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional. You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area. I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone. Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things. Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you. Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.

 I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now. It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say. 40. I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week. You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ? I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts. I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it. I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging. That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet. You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby. You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ? 41. Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time ?

I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest. ~Steven Pearl I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. ~Groucho Marx Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me." "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away. ~Author Unknown Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it." ~Author Unknown She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." ~P.G. Wodehouse Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. ~Mark Twain Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats." Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it." ~Author Unknown I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. ~English professor, Ohio University I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics. ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. ~Charles Baudelaire

 The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. ~David Gerrold The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. ~ George Bernard Shaw This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. ~Dorothy Parker, book review 42. During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!". Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority! ~Author Unknown I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. Does your train of thought have a caboose? I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? If I throw a stick, will you leave? You!...Off my planet! Too many freaks, not enough circuses. And which dwarf are you? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Allow me to introduce my selves. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

 May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces. May your children be so famous every policeman knows them. 43. May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. He'll cry over your wounds so he can get salt in them. He heats the knives so his family won't use too much butter. The next time you'll meet anyone like him, it will have to be In a Nightmare. He got his parents a fifty-piece dinner set for their Golden Anniversary a box of toothpicks. He told his children Santa Claus is too old to get around any more. He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries. He'll throw a drowning man both ends of a rope. The last place he lived in, he campaigned for dry law, got it passed and then moved away. If you kicked him in his heart, you'd break your toe. He has lots of fortitude. He'll stand for nearly anything, but a woman on a train. The only way he can hear any good about himself is to talk to himself. Every time a report comes about the dangers of second-hand cigarette smoke, he goes around blowing smoke in peoples faces. He's suffering from hardening of the hearteries. His motto is A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH', but expects yours to have gold in it. He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him in the bus can only read half the newspaper. You could not warm up to him if you were cremated together. Lots of people would love working for him - if they were graver diggers. He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider. Edward Abbey -- A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. Joey Adams -- Stay with me; I want to be alone -- A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Russel Baker -- People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. Alben W. Barkley -- A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants. Dave Barry -- The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom." Caron de Beaumarchais -- It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them. Ambrose Bierce -- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. Stephen Bishop -- I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. Erma Bombeck -- One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. -- I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill. Ashleigh Brilliant -- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence David Brinkley -- The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.

 A. Whitney Brown -- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Samuel Butler -- Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them. Frank Capra -- Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. John Ciardi -- You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone. Ashleigh Brillant -- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Forrest Tucker -- He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. John Cleese -- I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. Johnny Carson -- Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. Jean Cocteau -- I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like? Andrei Codrescu -- Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's. Steven Coallier -- If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there's a finite number of idiots. Noel Coward -- I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. Quentin Crisp -- The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. Finley Peter Dunne -- An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court. J.W. Eagan -- Never judge a book by its movie. Abba Eban -- History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. William Feather -- Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. Carrie Fisher -- You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well. -- Instant gratification takes too long. Gustave Flaubert -- To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. Redd Foxx -- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Milton Friedman -- Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. Gallagher -- Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work

 Gandhi -- I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Brendan Gill -- Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Richard Goodwin -- People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to an engine. Adrienne E. Gusoff -- Just when you realize life's a bitch, it has puppies. Cynthia Heimel -- If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? Katherine Hepburn -- Death will be a great relief. No more interviews. Alfred Hitchcock -- This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop. -- I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. -- There are several differences between a footballl game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also there are more injuries at a football game. -- Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. Eric Hoffer -- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. Elbert Hubbard -- A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. Kin Hubbard -- A good listener is usually thinking about something else. -- Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you. -- The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. -- One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before. Aldous Huxley -- Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. -- Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. W. R. Inge -- Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter. Clive James -- Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. P.D. James -- We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. Thomas Jefferson -- Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies. John Maynard Keynes -- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. Henry Kissinger -- The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. -- Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.

 Tony Kornheiser -- Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos. Alfred A. Knopf -- An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. Joseph Wood Krutch -- Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most. Louis Kronenberger -- The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. Fran Lebowitz -- Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. David Letterman -- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. Oscar Levant -- Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. Leonard Louis Levinson -- I wish I'd known you when you were alive. Sinclair Lewis -- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless. -- People will buy anything that is 'one to a customer.' Alice Roosevelt Longworth -- Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. Norman Mailer -- Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists. W. Somerset Maugham --She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious. Groucho Marx -- No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. -- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. -- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Edward Shepherd Mead -- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers. H.L. Mencken -- It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man. -- Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. Montaigne -- Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it. Lewis Mumford -- Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Ogden Nash -- The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat. Howard Ogden -- Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

 Robert Orben -- Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. Lester Pearson -- Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects. Laurence J. Peter -- Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. -- Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent. Arthur Wing Pinero -- A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination. Dan Rather -- Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. Pierre August Renoir -- It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks. Ann Richards -- He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. Will Rogers -- There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators. Andy Rooney --When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. Harold Rosenberg -- No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it facinating. Rita Rudner -- In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. -- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. -- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. -- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. George Sanders Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting. George Bernard Shaw -- In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice. -- There are only two classes in good society in England: the equestrian class and the neurotic class. -- The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. Wilfred Sheed -- If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English. Robert Louis Stevenson -- Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. -- I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion. Adlai Stevenson -- Some people approach every problem with an open mouth. Tom Stoppard -- Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork and picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. Johnathan Swift -- Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. James Thurber -- If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very

few persons. -- Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. Lily Tomlin -- I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. -- The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. Herbert Beerbohm Tree -- The national sport of England is obstacle racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it. Pierre Trudeau -- Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. Mark Twain -- Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it. -- I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. -- Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mo Udall -- If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. John Updike -- A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. Peter Ustinov -- If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done. Bill Vaughan -- Muscles come and go; flab lasts. Gore Vidal --Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. Eli Wallach -- Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck. Carolyn Wells -- Actions lie louder than words. Oscar Wilde -- The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream. -- It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue. -- It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes. -- Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. -- Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. Billy Wilder --He has Van Gogh's ear for music. Alexander Wolcott --All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Steven Wright -- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Evelle J. Younger -- An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer.

44. Frank Zappa

-- The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.