3775 Drasha Utilitarian Reconciliation The drama of Yosef and his brothers had been unfolding over the

the course of three parshiot. At last the brothers have returned to Egypt with Binyamin in hand and Yosef decides that it is finally time to disclose his true identity. But what brought about his desire to do so?

() : :() The impression we get at first glance is that Yosef was at his limit. He could no longer fight back the tears; the emotions were simply running too high. As such, he asks the Egyptians in the room to leave and he prepares to make his big announcement. According to this reading, Yosef emerges as a sympathetic character, undeniably human, brimming with raw emotion and sentimentality. Alas, this is the tearful reunion we have all been waiting for! And so why does Yosef finally spill his guts? What compels him to divulge his big secret? It seems as if he is feeling love once again for his brothers. Yosef believes that his siblings have suffered enough, that the fight has carried on for far too long, and that too many tears have

been shed. Perhaps Yosef is prepared to forgive and to reconcile, and .just maybe he is feeling a bit sorry for his role in the escapade Indeed, many of the classical commentators were under this impression :as well. Take, for instance, Rashis gloss on this possuk

" () - :

Rashi contends that Yosef wanted to avoid embarrassing his brothers in front of the guards. If ever an indication existed that he was feeling remorse and that he was ready to reconcile it would be this very act of .asking the Egyptians to leave the room But the Midrash suggests an entirely different basis for Yosef unveiling :his secret () , , , , , , , , , , ...
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According to this account Yosef only reveals his identity because he senses that his hands have been tied, fearing the annihilation of Egypt and by extension the world. Yosef is not compelled by his longing for his brothers, or his father. He feels no regrets and is not swept up with a sudden urge to pardon his brothers for their crime. If that is the case, why does he ask the Egyptians to leave the room? An interesting approach appears in the commentary of Rav Meir Simcha of Dvinsk. In his sefer, the Meshech Chochma, he reads the verse to mean and Joseph could no longer refrain on account of the men who were standing around. He wanted to wait until Yaakov descended to Egypt before revealing the truth and demonstrating that his dreams had come true. And he did not wish to have mercy on them, just as they failed to have mercy upon him many years earlier. But he understood that to the Egyptians standing in the room if he allowed the charade to go on any further he would appear to be a cruel and merciless person. As such, Yosef sends them out of the room, and therefore " " means that he could no longer hold out because of the other people in the room and what they might suspect about Yosef (unaware as they were of the history): () - " ' , . . We assumed that means that he could no longer hide his love for the brothers, but sadly, all it means is that he could no
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longer torment them because it wasnt convenient to do so anymore. He couldnt play his game at the same time as maintaining the respect of the Egyptian people. Many assume that means to refrain from his own longing and emotion, but throughout Tanach the word clearly is used in different ways: The Prophet Isaiah uses the term to connote holding back love and compassion:

, : , .

15 Look down from heaven, and see, even from Thy holy and glorious habitation; Where is Thy zeal and Thy mighty acts, the yearning of Thy heart and Thy compassions, now restrained toward me?

But the more well-known usage appears in Megilat Esther, when Haman returns from an emasculating incident in which Mordechai refuses to bow down to him. Haman so desperately wanted to react and kill Mordechai, but instead he refrained from any visceral action and first consulted his wife :

- , - ; . , -

10 Nevertheless Haman refrained himself, and went home; and he sent and fetched his friends and Zeresh his wife.

What emerges is an entirely different picture of Yosefs state of mind. He is not ready to reconcile, he still harbors anger and resentment for what was done to him! The only reason he felt the need to tell them the truth was either because he feared they would attack or because he was worried about the way it would make him look in the eyes of the Egyptians! Either way, fate seems to have played a role in the reconciliation of Yosef and his brothers. The critical question at the end is what kind of peace has been achieved between Yosef and his brothers? In the end has love and understanding been restored or has Yosef merely come clean out of compulsion? There exist different models for building strong relationships. We have relationships that are held together by love and mutual respect, by honesty and by the ability to forgive. And then there are relationships that are need base which are solidified by a mutual interest as opposed to a mutual respect. It could be that Yosef and the brothers want to end the machlokes, but it could be that they just want food and so they have come to Egypt, and Yosef just wants to reunite with his father and Binyamin, and he sees his brothers as a means to that end1. Often alliances and relationships form because of mutual need. Royal marriages of old were the more often than not the product of peace treaties and dowries than courtship and affection.
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A possible proof for this might be that Yosef asks , is my father still alive? Why does he not say our father the answer might be that it isnt about them at all.

Immediately after the Holocaust many couples built marriages from a vacuum of pain and despair. A man who had lost his wife and a woman who lost her husband met and forged long lasting relationships, but sometimes their marriages lacked the spark. It was the epitome of the need base marriage. We sometimes develop professional relationships from a place of need and mutual benefit. Those partnerships may last but they often lack trust and friendship, the cornerstone of a true relationship. The saddest thing in the world is when this happens to us. When all of our acquaintances are potential clients, when all of our business associates are merely assets who help make us money and when all of our family members are utilitarian, then we have a serious cheshbon haNefesh to make. We must never view our spouse as the person who performs a list of chores for me or our children as tax deductions! True relationships demand honesty, emotional depth and above all the ability to thrive beyond momentary convenience. We have to love, regardless of the benefits, and we have to work together because we seek achdut as its own distinct virtue and not simply a means to an ends.