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Names in the book have been changed and some personal stories

combined in order to protect confidentiality I have with my


Copyright © 2013 by Jessica Kinzbach

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the
Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of
Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Blow each other away : a couples’ guide to sensational oral sex /
Jaiya.—1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Oral sex. 2. Orgasm. 3. Sex instruction. 4. Sexual excitement.
I. Title.
HQ31.5.O73J35 2012
306.77'4—dc23 2012010841
ISBN 978–0-7704–3554–7
eISBN 978–0-7704–3555–4



10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition

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Surfing the Pleasure Wave

Surfing the waves of pleasure takes skill. It’s an art. Much like flying a
kite. You’ve got to hit the wind just right before it takes flight. Once you
get it up and in the flow, it’s fairly easy to ride the wind. Then you want
to reel the kite in slowly to make sure it doesn’t just drop. Sexual plea-
sure is a lot like flying a kite. And if you learn how to help your lover ride
the waves of pleasure for extended periods of time, some pretty amazing
things start to happen.

Benefits of the Pleasure Wave

1. prolongs lovemaking into extended periods of high
arousal. The Pleasure Wave formula is perfect for men who
want to last longer in bed. It’s great for women and men who
want to experience multiple orgasms.
2. allows for full arousal and expanded orgasm. Most
women do not reach full arousal before penetration (I’ll talk about
this more in the next chapter); since the Pleasure Wave extends
the amount of time that you are playing in high arousal, it helps
you reach your full turn-on. This in turn can have you experiencing

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an orgasm that expands through your whole body and may last

anywhere from three to ten minutes (in one case I had a student
orgasm for a whole twenty minutes).

3. no need to remember any techniques—all the plea-

sure happens in the moment. Some people hate techniques.
They can’t remember the steps. Their fingers get all tripped up
and they feel like a failure. With the Pleasure Wave, there are no
specific techniques to remember . . . if you can wiggle your finger,
you can do it. It just takes knowing the formula and plugging in
what feels good.

4. sets you up for sexual success. Just about every popular mag-
azine cover has some mind-blowing hair-pulling technique that
will drive your lover crazy. You go home and try it and it doesn’t
work. Not great for your sexual self-esteem! The Pleasure Wave
sets you up to feel successful because it isn’t technique based; it’s
sensation based.

What Is the Pleasure Wave?

The Pleasure Wave is composed of two important steps. Step One is to
find simple hand, mouth, or penetration moves that you can do easily.
Step Two is to follow a formula I call SAAA: Stillness; Arousal One—Body;
Arousal Two—External; and Arousal Three—High/Internal. Ideally you
will do three to four Pleasure Waves in one lovemaking session.

How the Pleasure Wave Formula Began

Sometimes teaching men how to please a woman is like trying to teach
a headstrong two-year-old how to ride a bike. You try to show them
how to pedal, then they forget to steer. You try to show them how to

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balance, but they just want to do it their own way. They want you to let

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

go and let them do it their way, but when you do, they fall. Most of the
single men who come to me are coming because they want to improve
their love lives. Couples are a completely different story. Usually the man
will tell me that he thinks he is an amazing lover and doesn’t need to
be there, but I get a much different story from the woman in his life.
My students Jill and Scott fit this picture perfectly, but they, and a Nike
trainer, were about to help me create the Pleasure Wave.
“I hate to say this,” Jill whispered to me. “But Scott is awful in bed. I
fake it so that his mauling stops. I had to drag him here. He thinks our sex
life is fine. What do I do?” I could see that she couldn’t take it anymore.
She had to tell him. Our first step was for Jill to tell Scott the truth. Scott
was angry at first. “Isn’t sex just something that comes naturally? I mean,
I never had a woman complain before this.” Scott expressed this with a
little edge in his voice.
“Great sex is both nature and knowledge. You can bump around in the
dark, or you can make it exquisite,” I replied. “Many women don’t com-
plain about the pleasure they are not experiencing because they don’t
want to hurt your feelings. We’ve been taught to grin and bear it. Ap-
proximately 70 percent of women have faked an orgasm. It does them a
great disservice.”
We agreed on a plan of action. Scott would start working with me
alone, and then we would bring in Jill for practice sessions.
Scott had very large hands. He liked boxing and practiced regularly. He
was a big man, with a big presence, but he wasn’t very present. He was
easily distracted, often off thinking about what he wanted for lunch or
focusing on how successful his sexual attempts were.
When I took on Scott and Jill as students, I was taking a teacher train-
ing class on the Groove Method with Misty Tripoli. Misty is a Nike elite
trainer who, after years of battling with working out and binge eat-
ing, decided to stop it all and just dance. During the training, I started

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thinking about Scott. He was having a lot of trouble with techniques. He

couldn’t remember them. It was like an actor who couldn’t memorize at

all. He’d get frustrated because he was bent on doing it right, instead of
just going with the flow and discovering Jill’s pleasure through his own
creativity. Misty’s approach to dance was simple: Just about everyone
can walk. Just about everyone can move his or her arms. Just about every-
one can bend his or her knees. I thought to myself, Just about everyone can
wiggle a finger. During her classes, Misty shouts, “Walk! What would hap-
pen if you walked faster? What would happen if you walked backward?
Come on, don’t follow me! Make it your own!” I started applying all this
to sex techniques, and the Pleasure Wave was born.

Step One: Pleasure Wave Starting Point—

Everyone Can Wiggle
Oftentimes people feel like failures in the bedroom. Mainstream media
teaches us that if we do the latest technique, we’ll instantly have our
partner writhing with a hair-pulling, screaming, mind-blowing orgasm.
But it doesn’t work that way for the majority of couples, so they stop
trying. I want people to feel like a success. If you feel like a success, you
are more likely to keep indulging in things that feel good. The good news
is that you already are a success. If you can wiggle your finger, you can do
the Pleasure Wave. If you can wiggle your tongue, you can do the Plea-
sure Wave. Actually just about any movement of your hands and mouth
can lead to success with the Pleasure Wave.
When I saw Scott and Jill, just a few days after the Groove class with
Misty Tripoli, I started inventing the Pleasure Wave. What were some
simple movements that Scott could do with his hands? I had Scott place
his fingertip on Jill’s clitoris. “Okay, Scott, now can you wiggle your fin-
ger back and forth?” He started wiggling. It seemed that felt okay for Jill.
“What would happen if you wiggled faster?” I asked him. He went faster

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and Jill moaned. We shortly discovered that Jill liked touch to her clitoris

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

that was faster and lighter. Scott was looking pleased and he was staying
present. For the first time he wasn’t in his head, he was focused on Jill’s
clitoris. I congratulated Scott on creating the perfect technique, and he
looked at me completely puzzled.
Here’s how it works.
Let’s say that your movement is a wiggle of your index finger. For guys,
you might wiggle on her clit; for you ladies, your wiggle might be on his
prostate or his frenulum (for anatomy, see Chapters 3 and 5). Get your
wiggle on and then ask yourself the following questions as you shift your
wiggle. Watch your lover’s responses as you practice.

What would happen if I went slower?

What would happen if I pressed harder?
What would happen if I went a little higher?
What would happen if I paused for a moment and then dove in even faster?
What would happen if I went to the left?
What would happen if (fill in the blank)?

Now you have Step One: Find Your Move.

Step Two: The Pleasure Wave Formula—

Surfing the SAAA
Once you have your wiggles on, you can start to put those wiggles into
a formula. Recall my formula, the SAAA (Stillness; Arousal One—Body;
Arousal Two—External; Arousal Three—High/Internal). Why use this
formula? With this formula you can:

Create your own techniques in the moment that require no memorization

or repeated practice.

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Jaiy_9780770435547_4p_01_r3.f.indd 34
The Pleasure Wave

C: Climax A2: External Arousal

S: Stillness A3: High Arousal
A1: Body Arousal

S A3 A3
C A3
S A2
A2 A1
C A3 S A1
Average Sex S A2
A3 A2
A2 A1


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Communicate in a way that allows you to get to the highest pleasure

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

through the easiest route. You’ll discover your partner’s pleasure in the
moment as opposed to trying a technique that worked one day but didn’t
the next, and you wonder what happened.
Connect with your lover by mutually finding high pleasure while staying
unshakably present with each other.

For this step, I saw Scott by himself. He seemed more excited for our
lesson. The last session had given him confidence. I’d been thinking hard
all week about using simplicity within the SAAA formula. “What type of
sexual activities do you think of when you think about stillness?” I asked
Scott. “Stillness? What about sex is still?” He looked at me, puzzled again.
I explained that stillness is underestimated. Scott needed to under-
stand that stillness is incredibly important because it creates relaxation,
and even more important it creates safety. I gave him some examples.
“Remember last week when you cupped Jill’s vulva and just held your
hand there. She loved that. She took a deep breath. That’s a great way to
do Stillness. Does that make sense?” Scott nodded, still looking a little
unsure. We started to list all the things that he could do that involved no
movement at all.
Once we had a good list of possible stillness techniques, we went to
the next component of the formula: Body Arousal (A1 of the SAAA). The
idea with this part is to arouse your partner from the outside in. This
means touching, kissing, or licking the erogenous areas of the body in
a certain sequence, which eventually leads to the genitals. We quickly
made a list of simple things Scott could do on Jill’s body.
Now Scott and I needed to make a list of things that would get Jill
into a higher arousal state. External Arousal (A2) meant using techniques
that focused on getting Jill into a more pleasured state without penetra-
tion. And finally we needed a list of High Arousal (A3) techniques that
included both internal and external stimulation. We made the lists for
each category on big poster-size Post-its. It looked a bit like this.

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stillness body external high
arousal (a1) arousal (a2) arousal (a3)

Cupping Kissing Neck Rolling Clitoris G-spot Come Hither

Hand/Heart Nibbling Ear Licking Clitoris Sucking Clit w/Come-Hither

Pelvic Hold Stroking Thigh Vulva Yoga G-spot Wiggle

Tantric Kiss Kissing Lips U-spot Circles Intercourse w/Clit Vibe


These techniques are described in later chapters.

I had Scott take these lists home so that he could practice on Jill. I in-
structed him to do them in this order: Stillness, Body Arousal, Stillness, Ex-
ternal Arousal, Body Arousal, External Arousal, High Arousal, Stillness. This
is a Pleasure Wave. The order I instructed Scott to use works for most cou-
ples, but ultimately you want to create the best waves that work for you.

Create Your SAAA

Like Scott, you can make a chart to help you come up with moves in
each category. Think of all the things you could do that your partner
might enjoy. Think of things that you might enjoy giving. Once you have
your lists, practice playing with your moves (wiggles) within the SAAA
order. Spend at least five to ten minutes playing in each category.
Here’s an example of a Pleasure Wave session:

Stillness: Hand on Heart

Arousal One—Body: Kissing Neck
Stillness: Cupping Vulva
Arousal Two—External: Vulva Yoga/Stretching
Arousal Two—External: Wiggling Finger on Clit
Arousal Three—High/Internal: Sucking Clit with Come-Hither on G-spot

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Stillness: Tantric Kiss (foreheads placed together)

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

Arousal Two—External: Flicking Tongue on Clit
Arousal Three—High/Internal: Intercourse
Arousal Two—External: Kissing Neck
Stillness: Spooning

I want you to forget all about the word “techniques.” I simply want you
to do things you can do with your fingers and then ask yourself the ques-
tions in Step One of the Pleasure Wave. “What would happen if I went
faster? Slower? In Circles? Deeper? Lighter? Higher? Lower? Etc.” Then
check in with your partner, notice how his or her body responds, and ask
what feels best. That’s all. No techniques to remember. Just look at your
charts for inspiration. When I explained all this to Scott, he started to look
relieved. I think he liked the idea that he didn’t have to remember any
techniques. I had hundreds, but he could create his own. You can too.

As you start practicing the Pleasure Wave, you may discover that new
challenges arise. This is completely normal and okay. Remember, you can
wiggle your finger and that is a success. These are simple things and if
you can recognize them and know that they will dissolve easily, in time
you’ll be well on your way to the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Too Turned On
I often see men lose focus when I’m teaching. They start getting aroused
and suddenly it’s as if they lose their attention and presence. They lose
the sweet spot they found, they lose the pressure that was just right, they
lose the speed we like best. Scott faced this problem, and he needed to

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learn how to focus during high arousal. It wasn’t about learning to ignore

his arousal, but to use his arousal to stay focused and build her arousal.
If you find yourself too turned on by your partner getting higher and
higher and you lose your focus, the best thing to do is to get present.
Be in the moment. Be unshakable. If you need to, drop into Stillness to
regroup and regain focus. From there you can build the wave again.

Can’t Keep the Right Speed with the Right Pressure

You may find that as you find that “just right” technique, you have a
hard time developing the ability to basically pat your head and rub your
stomach while chewing gum. Scott said, “Once I found a pressure that
worked for Jill, I had a hard time adding speed and keeping that same
pressure. How can I learn how to develop the ability to keep with the
light pressure but go faster? I start getting deeper with faster.” Scott isn’t
alone on this one.
In this case, the skill comes when learning how to go fast while staying
light and in the exact position. It simply requires practice. You can always
practice on your own body. The back of your hand is a great place to
start. Try it now. Take your right-hand index finger, press into the back
of your left hand, try deep pressure; now move very fast, now move up a
little. Stick with it. Okay, now try light pressure and very slow; now move
faster, down a little. Make sure you aren’t changing the pressure with the
speed, or the pressure and speed when you move location a little. It takes
skill, but with time you’ll get it. And here’s a little tip: Use your tongue
externally and a finger internally. It’s a little easier to do your mouth and
a hand in combination than doing two hands at once. I instructed Scott
how to do this on his own hand and then I had him do it on mine so that
I could give him feedback as to when he was changing pressure or speed
and I hadn’t asked him to. He was frustrated at first, but with practice he
started getting it.

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Dexterity Isn’t on Your Side

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

“Well, I feel like I’m starting to get the pressures and speeds with one
hand, but when I start using two, it feels impossible. I can’t go fast and
with deep pressure with one hand on her clit, and then slow and light
with the other on her G-spot. Can anyone really do that?” Scott said,
looking at Jill and then me.
It’s possible; it just takes some skill to develop the ability to do two
different things with your hands. After years of practice, I can even do
two different things with two different fingers on the same hand. It just
takes practice and patience. (For more on this, take a look at my book
Red Hot Touch: A Head-to-Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms, where
I have a number of hand exercises you can do.)

Switch: Unleashing the Pleasure Wave

on Each Other
“I can’t believe the difference!” Jill exclaimed during their next session
with me. She was glowing. I could feel the flow of sensuality and love be-
tween them. “I’m not faking my orgasms anymore and I feel great about
being able to tell Scott what feels good. Now, I want to play with the
Pleasure Wave on him!”
Scott and Jill were very excited and dove into the session with a joy
I had never seen before. I knew I was on to something with this idea
that simple was best and that the Pleasure Wave was a formula to help
people ride the waves of sexual excitement and enjoyment.
You may have some sexual realizations as you practice this formula.
Scott had a few “aha” moments when he was receiving the Pleasure
Wave. He said, “I always thought that sex meant I get an erection, keep
my erection, put it in her, and pump until I cum. But now I’ve experienced
that it’s more pleasurable when there are ups and downs and even places
where you stop and start over. It’s okay to lose my erection. I even felt

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pleasure when I didn’t have an erection. That’s never happened before,

because I was always so worried about it not being hard.” I had told Scott
before the session that we would purposely be using techniques to allow
his arousal to drop and he would lose his erection. It’s important that
men have permission to not be hard all the time. Arousal ebbs and flows,
whether you are male or female or identify somewhere in between.
For many couples, this practice is the first time that they give each
other any feedback on what feels good. Scott thought that Jill was great
at blow jobs before this, but after learning the Pleasure Wave formula,
he could see that there is room for his guidance. He could get even more
pleasure! I am here to tell you, as I told Scott—there is always more. As
our session came to a close, I could see the light in his eyes; something
in him was turned on, and he was starting to really understand the art of
pleasure. Jill was having a great time and finally getting the pleasure she
didn’t know how to ask for.
I told Scott and Jill to take a few months to practice and come see me
after they had a chance to deepen their skills and mine their own plea-
sure. They came together to their final session with me, holding hands
and smiling. “We don’t always use the Pleasure Wave,” they told me.
“Sometimes we just have a good romp, a quickie. But even our quickies
are better because we’ve developed the ability to use the communica-
tion skills to get the pleasure we both want. We can even do a version
of the Pleasure Wave that’s a quickie, one technique for each step of the

A Music-Driven Sexual Experience

The Pleasure Wave wasn’t the only thing that came out of my training
with Misty Tripoli. I was reminded during her training that music could
help people who have the inability to connect with their bodies.
Carrie was in her midfifties, a professional with a great desire to learn

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how to please a man. She was recently divorced and felt like she’d never

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

had the opportunity to learn about sex. Her husband had been her only
lover. They had stopped having sex four years before their divorce. Carrie
was heartbroken and really nervous about sex with a new partner.
Carrie loved music. So for her sixth session, I asked her to bring in a
CD of her favorite love songs, songs that she would like to make love to.
“I really have a hard time using my hands and my mouth together,”
she told me. We’d been working on using the Pleasure Wave with
hand-and-mouth combinations, but she was having a hard time getting
into it. I had to get her to feel it; she was simply going through the mo-
I put on the music and asked her to find the beat. After my training
with Misty, I had decided to practice “music-driven sex” myself, to see if
it was an effective tool. I put on a song by Massive Attack called “Angel.”
The song has this deep and driving beat that just makes you want to
grind to it. I used my fingers like drums to dance over my vulva, and it
was an exquisite experience. What worked for me was that it got me
out of my usual pattern and gave me something new to work with. I al-
lowed the music to wash over me and move me. I am lucky because my
partner is a dancer; we met on a dance floor. It was easy for us to put on
some music and make love to the beat, each of his thrusts matching the
rhythms in the songs.
I put on music for Carrie and asked her to find the beat. I asked her to
close her eyes and just listen and feel. “Let the music inspire your move-
ment, let it drive your technique. Create the technique from the beat you
feel.” I gave her permission to not move until she felt it. Then she raised
the dildo to her face (I use dildos to practice on when we don’t have a
male model or partner for my female students). She began to move the
dildo over her lips in beat to the music. I could see her breathing deeply,
slowly, and sensually. She started stroking to the downbeat in the song,
while rubbing the dildo over her slightly parted lips.

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I changed the song. “Now, take a moment, tune into the music, start

again with this new piece of music.” Her eyes were still closed; I could
see her finding her way. She started to sensuously move her hand over
the head of the dildo while she used her tongue to flick over the shaft.
She was getting creative. We did a few more songs before I asked her to
take a breath and open her eyes.
“How was that for you?” I inquired.
“Surprising.” She looked sleepy, even in an altered state.
“What was surprising for you? Take your time.” I didn’t want her to
force herself out of a wonderful state if she wasn’t ready.
“It was like a meditation for me, and I really, really enjoyed it. I feel
like I let go for the first time and just felt the penis in my hands and my
mouth as opposed to doing some mechanical technique.” I could see that
Carrie was having a turning point.
This might work for you too. Create a music mix that follows the Plea-
sure Wave. Let the music guide you; feel it and you’ll be doing the wave
automatically without having to follow a chart or remember a bunch of
About six months later I got a letter from Carrie. She wrote, “I will
never have bad sex again. What I learned from you changed my life. I
now have a boyfriend who sings my praises. Music is the best sex toy I
could buy. Thank you.”

A Simple Kiss
For this exercise, start with some music. A few recommendations include:
• “Kissing You (Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet)” by Des’ree
• “Disappearing into You” from the album Music to Disappear in 1 by
• “Keep the Streets Empty for Me” by Fever Ray

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• “Teardrop” by Massive Attack

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

• One of your favorite songs to kiss to

If you want to do this exercise with your partner, start by putting

your lips to theirs and breathing in and out of your noses. Close your
eyes and tune into your breathing. You can just let that be it, breathing
with your lips touching. That’s the technique. But what would happen
if you breathe a little deeper? How about letting your bodies touch in
some way? Imagine your breath sinking into the areas where your bod-
ies are touching. What would happen if you moved your head a little
while keeping your lips touching? If you don’t have a partner, you can
still practice this. Instead of touching someone else’s lips, touch your
own lips to your fingertips. The basic technique is just lips to fingertips,
deeply breathing with your eyes closed. Remember that there is no right
or wrong, only your way.

You Can Have It All

I am here to tell you that it is possible to get to that mind-blowing plea-
sure you see promised on the covers of so many magazines. It’s just that
most of these magazines aren’t giving you the proper maps or tools to
get there. You have to start simply and then allow yourself to flourish
from the simplicity. Remember Scott. When he got simple, things started
working better for him.
Use the Pleasure Wave and music-driven sex to create your own tech-
niques. There is no right or wrong way; it’s about creating pleasure and
paying attention. Remember that in each moment you have the opportu-
nity to make a different choice, to make it better. You are never a failure.
Use the techniques in Chapters 4 and 6 as a base, and apply ideas from
the Pleasure Wave to those techniques.

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