SCENE: DODGERS STADIUM-CONCESSIONS LINE

FRANK and MALANI stood in the line, waiting for their turn to order, with the sounds
of cheers echoing behind them. FRANK groaned frustratedly, yet put up a great front of
affection to mask his mounting annoyance as MALANI continued to try to take his hand
in hers, in an effort to make them appear to be a couple. FRANK kept pulling his hand
out of hers with a mounting annoyance.
FRANK
Do you mind?
MALANI
Sorry.
FRANK
Do that again, Im going to start calling you by your real name.
MALANI
Malani is my real name.
FRANK
Man, just because you had it put on your drivers license doesnt mean you wont get
arrested and find out Malanis just an alias. Besides, if you want to go all the way, you
need a death certificate and a new birth certificate with the new name, and for all that,
youll need the doctors signature.
MALANI
Well, in six months time, dont worry about it. Itll be legit.
FRANK
But why? Why do it?

MALANI
I just hate it. Its never been a part of me.
FRANK
Clearly, the facts say otherwise.
MALANI
Whats that supposed to mean?
FRANK
Well, you obviously cant take it off and put it in a drawer, next to the make up. Its
clearly a part of you.
MALANI
I know that, I just dont want it to be. Im a woman.
FRANK
Living as one.
MALANI
Shut up. You know I hate it when you say that.
FRANK
Sorry.
MALANI effortlessly took up FRANKS hand again and held it like a lover. FRANK
yanked his hand away from MALANI, and shot her an angry/frustrated glare.
FRANK (continued)
Will ya please?

MALANI
Alright, fine!
FRANK
And stop trying to change the subject. Whats your problem with the snail wearing a
helmet?
MALANI
Its just ugly, and it sits there. Its disgusting.
FRANK
Do you tell your therapist this?
MALANI
No, if I told him that, hed say I have some psychological disorder where I hate my
own body, and wouldnt let me have the operation.
FRANK
Hed be right to think so.
MALANI
I dont need to hear this from you, Frank. I thought I could talk to you about this.
Apparently I was wrong.
FRANK
Ive been telling you since you decided to start trying out training bras I didnt want
to hear it! Why are we talking about it? I dont want to know.
MALANI
I thought we were friends. Weve known each other since we were kids. Dont you
care about me? What happens to me? What I choose to do with my life?

FRANK
Yeah, thats why I dont want to hear about this.
MALANI
You hate my kind, dont you?
FRANK
What, Asians?
MALANI
You know what Im talking about.
FRANK
Trust me; theyre not your kind. Theyd slit your throat if someone they wanted to
fuck suggested you were cute, let alone cuter than them.
MALANI
You know, it always amazes me how much you know my people.
FRANK
What are you, the Martin Luther King of gay rights?
MALANI
Dont say that.
FRANK
Look, Moses. Dont identify yourself with them. Most of them have a lot of issues.
MALANI
How do you know? Are you seeing some girl on the side?

FRANK glared at MALANI

FRANK
-The side of what?
MALANI
-Im only joking.
FRANK
Look, you dont want to associate with them. You may go there for community, but
any gay guy will tell you, going into the gay community for the sake of finding a
place to belong is like a cow wandering into a Steak BBQ house. Its not the
community to relax in. Its the safety zone against Hate Crimes, where the new
danger is all around you. Dont get caught up in the plastic smiles.
MALANI
Whats that supposed to mean?
FRANK
That friend you have with the sweet smile? Its hard to see him smiling when hes got
you bent over.
MALANI
Theyre not all like that.
FRANK
No, but the ones in that community are catty as hell.
MALANI rolled her eyes and waved FRANK off.
MALANI

Please, I can meet an asshole anywhere.

FRANK
And theyd tap yours, anywhere. Look, if you need a tranny friend, get one. But just
stick with the outsiders; the ones who come out for a night and then vanish for long
periods of time, and you know for a fact theyre not Tijuana drug mules. The one
youd hit it off with would be the one not trying to sell you something; you know, the
ones who are kick back and bored about it, but seem to be there for the novelty of it.
Maybe one of them you could make a community with. But the average ones in the
scene? Theyd eat you alive.
MALANI
Thank you for the encouragement.
FRANK
Thats if youre lucky.
MALANI
What if Im unlucky?
FRANK
Youll probably end up like me.
MALANI smiled as though she had FRANK in checkmate.
MALANI
Alone?
FRANK studied MALANIS knowing glare and sighed as if he were not going to rise to
the bait.

FRANK
I was going for cynic.
MALANI
Oh.
FRANK
I like that youre idealistic. But there is no utopia in West Hollywood, the Castro, or
Greenwich Village or any other gay scene you would know about. You cant walk
through a den of thieves and expect to come out the other side without, at least,
getting your pockets picked.
MALANI
So what should I do, then?
FRANK
I dont know. Just have girl friends, and dont lose touch with either your femininity
or your masculinity. Because women have both.
MALANI snapped at FRANK pointedly.
MALANI
What do you know of women?
FRANK snapped and eyed MALANI back.
FRANK
What do you? Other than what its like to get ready for a night out, and what its like
to break a heel.
MALANI
Im a woman.

FRANK
I know, youre always telling me. Just dont forget you have testosterone in you too.
MALANI
I know.
FRANK
Well dont sound too happy about it.
MALANI
I just dont understand why. Im taking the pills.
FRANK
Yeah, and you should cut back, too. Testosterones a good thing. Without it, youd be
on dialysis.
MALANI
Really?
FRANK
Well, you might be on it eventually, though.
MALANI
Why?
FRANK
Hormone therapy is really not the thing for the body. Id talk about taking some
steroids to build some of it back up.
MALANI

No. I want the testosterone gone.

FRANK
Youre unbelievable, you know that? What, do you think if you keep taking those
pills that all the testosterone mysteriously vanishes from your body, and your balls are
going to magically lift up to where ovaries should be?
MALANI blinked with surprised as FRANKS eyes dug into her. FRANK scoffed
and shook his head disgustedly.
FRANK (continued)
I blame this on the fact youre an only child; youre so used to getting everything you
want, you grew up real unrealistic. Now youre picking the most impossible tasks
and demanding them to happen. No one ever taught you that you cant get everything
you want. [beat] Spoiled little brat.
MALANI
Why are you talking to me this way?
FRANK
You want me to treat you like a girl? Fine. Im now going to treat you like a spoiled
little bitch who says the stupidest things because shes taken bad counsel from men
who dont give a shit about her and shes repeated the encouragements to herself so
many times, she now thinks its true. Youre so dead set on having an innie where
your outie is; youre going to mess up your whole body and life just to get your wish.
MALANI
Whats wrong with having the operation?
FRANK
Because its too final. Theres no going back.

MALANI
I know. Thats what I want!
FRANK
You want to make a decision you may regret five or ten years down the line?
MALANI
I wont regret it.
FRANK
Its easy to say these things now.
MALANI
And itll be even easier to say it later.
FRANK
And I dont want you to have that operation.
MALANI
Why? Why are you so threatened about me being a woman?
FRANK
Im not threatened by it. But it bugs the shit out of me that youre listening to the
advice of men who dont love you, and just want to lay you.
MALANI
You dont know anything. They love me. They
FRANK

Tell you? You used to be a guy. Did you forget that? How many times did a girl
get on her knees, give it a lick and ask you Do you love me?
MALANIS eyes went wide, visibly considering the validity of FRANKS point of
view, while FRANK scoffed has annoyance at MALANI.
FRANK (continued)
Were all going to say yes.
MALANI
Why?
FRANK
Because if we dont, shell stop!
MALANI
You are such a man.
FRANK
You say that like its a bad thing, considering you want to cut your dick off to make
room for another mans. I think its real thoughtful of you to give him more of a
choice as to which hole hed like to fuck. Problem is you cant get wet like a girl. So
unless you have some lube handy, or hes got a lot of spit to work around, youre shit
out of luck.
MALANI
I dont know why I bother talking to you, I really dont.
FRANK
Because Im the only one who will tell you whats up.

MALANI
Oh really?
FRANK
Your moms scared if she tells you anything you disagree with, youll slit your wrists.
Your dads just waiting for you to do it. And all these wonderful choices in
boyfriends [beat] Im surprised you arent turning tricks, right now.
MALANI
Why are you so afraid of me doing this?
FRANK
Look, theres no turning back. At least if you put some semen in a sperm bank Id be
more comfortable with this.
MALANI
Why?
FRANK
What do you mean, why? So you can have kids later.
MALANI
My man can do that.
FRANK
How? Is he going to have a womb?
MALANI
What?
FRANK

Youll need a surrogate either way, dumb ass.

MALANI
Dont call me that.
FRANK
Well, think it through!
FRANK looked up and the CASHIER stood in front of him.
FRANK (continued)
Yeah, two Dodger Dogs and two beers, please.
Frank placed a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL on the counter and waited.
MALANI
Whats your problem with the surgery, anyway?
FRANK
Because I saw it done.
MALANI
You saw the operation?
The CASHIER presented FRANK with the BEERS and the DODGER DOGS, and
FRANK handed the BEERS to MALANI, to carry the DODGER DOGS himself over to
the CONDIMENTS SECTION.
FRANK
Yeah. It was on that surgery channel.

MALANI
Well, what happened?
FRANK
What do you mean?
MALANI
How do they do it?
FRANK
Trust me; you dont want to know.
MALANI
Stop teasing me.
FRANK
Im doing you a favor, man.
MALANI
Stop that, you little bitch, just tell me!
FRANK
You really want to know? FineFRANK then took his DODGER DOG, laid it on the CONDIMENT COUNER, took a
PLASTIC KNIFE and eviscerated the DODGER DOG straight down the middle.
FRANK (continued)
First they butterfly the frank

MALANIS eyes went wide with shock as FRANK grabbed the corners made by the
incision, flipped the frank around and stretched it out, laid flat over the bun.
FRANK (continued)
They cut another hole from your sack to your taint, and then remove anything
reproductive to make an opening for the frank.
MALANI winced.
FRANK (continued)
Then they remove the ballslike youll need them, anywayand then theyll twist
the frank around push it into the cavity theyve made, stretching the skin out so it
covers the walls, and then staple it up in there, until your outie is an innie.
MALANI
Why do they do that?
FRANK
So you can still feel pleasure as a woman, but you cant come, so whats the point?
MALANI
You cant come?
FRANK
If you can come at all, its psychological, at that point.
MALANI
Thats disgusting.
FRANK

The word I would have gone for was traumatic. You thought the boob job was bad?
Just wait until they finish with you. And you will need anti-depressants, afterward.
MALANI
Why?
FRANK
Because you may not appreciate it now, or accept its a part of you, but after its gone,
youll realize how important it was. Its not just a defining element of you as a
member of one sex or another, it also produces testosterone your body needs to stay
strong and fight infections. You cut it off, youll be living an existence ruled by pills
the rest of your life, and if the money train stops, youll shrivel up into one of those
androgynous leather skinned Carnival freaks you find in methadone clinics. And,
trust me, dialysis is a bitch. I saw that on the medical channel, too.
MALANI stared at the eviscerated frank, and then back up at FRANK in stunned silence.
It was a moment later that she realized they had become the source of scrutiny to dozens
of people waiting in line for beer. Anyone who wanted a DODGER DOG was no longer
interested. MALANI glanced about her to realize all the eyes fixed on her, each in the
shock of realization as to her true genetic sexual identity. MALANI wheeled around on
FRANK and scowled.
MALANI
I cant believe youd embarrass me like this.
MALANI stormed away, leaving FRANK alone in front of the staring people. FRANK
sighed and shook his head as he watched MALANI storm away.
FRANK
It aint easy being your friend, Young, thats for sure.