Lying Wife: "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him

in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught. Behind every successful man, there is a women. And behind every unsuccessfulman there are two. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spend. A Successful women is one who can find such a man. Wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. One should love animals. They are so tasty. Love everybody. Love every body. Save water. Shower with your friend. Never put off the work till tomorrow. What you can put off today.

Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"? A: "Is it in?" In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.

Men invade another country." ----- Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a caree r." --- Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman I figure if the children are alive when he gets home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne Thoughts to Ponder -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial? _______________________________________________________________________________ _____ Friendship -=-=-=-=-=-=-=You're... My friend, my companion, through good times and bad my friend, my buddy, through happy and sad, beside me you stand, beside me you walk you're there to listen, you're there to talk, with happiness, with smiles, with pain and tears, I know you'll be there, throughout the years! Punk Parrot Boy: One day an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "What you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" The old guy replies, "Yeah I fucked a parrot once I was just wondering if you were my kid?" SUBJECT: COINCIDENCE. This is some coincidence. For those of us who dont believe in co-incidence, here is a great one. Read on. The next would be Kennedy is a reincarnation of Ab e Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one: Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names comprise fifteen letters. Wilkes Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker: A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland . A week before Kennedy was shot he was with Marilyn Monroe . Brgds. nice ones.......

1. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet. Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should I try this time 2. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre... 3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people... Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you? 4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement... We occasionaly also spit in it... 5. In a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big...? Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself... 6. When a friend announces her wedding, you ask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout..... it's just the mo ney... 7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping... Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win . What do you think? 8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding........ 9. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in. 10. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed oblects in your mouth Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts? Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite...

The Last Goodies: God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a few more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged. Then, he looks at Eve and says "Well, it looks like the only thing I have left is multiple orgasms."

American Indian : Scared to free ourselves in the Land of the Free, Shutting out the very glamour that we came to see, Back home , girls were 'MAST CHEEZ', Here, it's no girls please , we're 'DESIS', The 'IN' thing to do was watch MTV, Now the 'appropriate' channel is DISCOVERY, It's like waiting all our lives to live the American way, Now from everything American we stay away , Back home , we were so 'WILD' , Keeping our westernness alive , We jived to rock , And boogeyed the night away, We lived in jeans and scorned the Dhotis & Kurtas, We drank 'PHOREN' liquor , We smoked foreign brands , We forgot to speak in the tongues of our lands , We ate burgers and steaks , And had a disdain for spices , We wore Dockers and Nikes , Throwing Raymond's and BATA away, We talked about Internet and Java , Throwing Desi magazines away . Now , we are here in a strange land , Wearing clothes from our native land, Spicy and hot is how we want our food , And a kurta in summers feels so good, A beer should be Kingfisher , A smoke should be INDIA Goldflake King , We're nodding to Hindi songs and Ghazals, Indian movies are what we 're watching , Hey! I speak Hindi, Marathi and Tamil , On special occasions I wear a Bindi , Every week I go to a temple , and log onto the Internet to read Desi stuff. HEY! I am an INDIAN in America I was an American in India.

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to h ell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner wai ting.

When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begi ns to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too .." An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in m id-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" 1. Once Laloo was passing through the security check at the Airport and the Secu rioty asked him, WAIT SIR, Laloo replied 65kgs. only and walked. WORK : The population of this country is 237 million. 104 are retired, which leaves 133 million to do work. there are 85 million in school, leaving 48 million to work. of this 29 million are employed by federal govt. leaving 19 million to work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces, leaving 16.2 million to work. 14800000 people work for central and state govt. leaving 1.4 million for work. At any given time 188000 people are in hospitals and 1211998 people in prisons. That leaves Only 2 people for work. YOU & ME. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.