REVENGE OF THE MUTANT COCKLE (A Ecological Nightmare)

by Pete Barrett.

CHARACTERS

RUPERT - a young man

ELIZABETH - his pretty but apparently air-headed Suffolk girlfriend.

THE NARRATOR Churchillian-voiced, deeply serious.

THE GENERAL an American in the USAF.

LANDLORD - with an all purpose Zummerzet/Long John Silver accent

Dr HEIDLEBERG - a German scientist in a white coat.

SARGEANT-MAJOR who speaks as if on the parade ground

CORPORAL American in the USAF

PILOT an expendable American pilot in the USAF

MISS BITTENPART Strangely silent woman

MUSIC

DRAMATIC 50s SCI-FI MUSIC.

NARRATOR The time. Midday. The place. The county of Suffolk , England. A young couple, deeply in love, stroll through the shingle, little knowing that the events about to unfurl would change their world - indeed would change the whole world.

RUPERT

Isn't it beautiful darling? I never get tired of looking at the beauty of nature.

ELIZABETH Nor do I. It sends a shiver down my spine.

RUPERT

Like I used to, Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH Like you still do, Rupert.

RUPERT

I love it when we're alone here on a typical Suffolk beach on a quiet day in Autumn 2084. Theres just you, me and the swooshing of the waves against the shingle.

ELIZABETH I just love the way you put things, Rupert. You should have been a poet.

RUPERT

Maybe, maybe. But they wouldnt have a poet in the SAS due to the high level of homeosexual bullying. Anyway, lets be honest, you cant fight Johnny Foreigner with a lot of sentimental words. You have to use the garrot and the stick.

ELIZABETH Shouldnt that be the Carrot and the stick

RUPERT

Youll never understand foreign affairs, darling, but you do make a lovely quiche.

ELIZABETH Youre right Rupert. It's no good being a poet with the world like it is today. If we were all poets, whod fight the evil ones and the forces of tair?

RUPERT

Forces of what?

ELIZABETH Forces of tair

RUPERT

Thats terror terror

ELIZABETH Oh Rupert. You know I dont understand these things. Im just a simple Suffolk girl. All I know is milkmaiding and spinning wool and stuff like that. (SHE WALKS FRONTSTAGE) Oh look the sun's glinting on the water creating a cascade of incandescent slivers of light. It almost seems to be on fire. It's a pity they had to build all those nuclear power stations over there.

RUPERT

We had to face facts, Elizabeth. The world was running out of oil. Imagine, if you will, a day when you turned on your heated hairstraighteners and nothing happened. Imagine the horror.

ELIZABETH That would be just too awful, too cruel.

RUPERT

Exactly, you see the oil is in the hands of the Arabs. The Russians have all the gas and the coal is controlled by Arthur Scargill and his leftwing cronies. All weve got left is peat bogs.

ELIZABETH Pete who?

RUPERT

It doesnt matter. Nuclear Power was the only answer. Its clean, cheap and carbon neutral.

ELIZABETH Oh stop, stop. Rupert, youre filling my head with too many facts. I feel quite dizzy.

RUPERT

If we hadnt built those seventeen Fast Breeder reactors here in the early 21st Century, Britain wouldn't be the world economic leader it is today.

ELIZABETH Fast breeder. Is that like on the farm when the sheep are playing piggyback in the field?

RUPERT

In some ways Elizabeth, yes. You see, its like if you take two sheep in the spring, pretty soon you end up with 4 sheep, then sixteen, and before you know it, you have a field full of sheeps.

ELIZABETH Daddy says all the lambs get in the lorry and go to live at the Abbey where they can gambol all day long.

RUPERT

The Abbey?

ELIZABETH Yes. Its sort of French, I think: The Abbey Twar.

RUPERT

Yes. Right. Anyway. All these power stations allowed us to turn Norfolk into Scooby Do and Scrappy Do World, which employs hundreds of socio-economic group five individuals who might otherwise be left unemployed following the migration of manufacturing to China and, with the growth of the service sector, we

have been able to restrict unemployment to those too lazy to put on an apron and serve a Macdonalds.

ELIZABETH Oh Rupert, you know everything dont you. I don't think about these things. I'm just a Suffolk girl. I just want to have babies and look after the house for you. I'll let you men deal with that silly boring political nonsense I know nothing about.

RUPERT

You're so sweet. Don't ever change, Elizabeth. Don't ever turn into one of those fat, ugly girls with brains. Just be my sweet Elizabeth. Oh look darling, the sun's lighting up that waste pipe as if it was made of gold.

ELIZABETH So it is, Darling. (BEAT) Darling should all that green gungy stuff be gushing coming out of the pipe. Won't it hurt the little fishies?

RUPERT

No, no, you see its only low-level radioactive green gungey stuff and fortuitously enough weve destroyed all marine life in the North Sea through overfishing, so now its the perfect place for nuclear waste. It must be all part of Gods plan for us.

ELIZABETH Rupert, I don't like this beach anymore. Its quiet. Too quiet. Why do all the rocks glow in that funny way? They say if you make a lampshade from shells from this beach, you don't need to put a bulb in it.

RUPERT

Don't worry darling. It's perfectly safe. Why there's more radiation in an ordinary household robo-hoover than there is in this entire area. Anyway, no one comes to the beach anymore. Not when theres all those water parks in Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo World just a hover car drive away. No one comes here except you and me, Darling. Come here and kiss me, my little fluffy ball.

ELIZABETH Oh yes, yes, yes,

(THEY EMBRACE AND KISS)

FX

DISGUSTING SLURPING NOISES

(ELIZABETH SUDDENLY PULLS BACK WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HER FACE)

ELIZABETH Oh Rupert, it's huge.

RUPERT

No, it's just these trousers.

ELIZABETH No, no look, coming out of the sea. It's horrible. Horrible.

RUPERT

I see it. Dont worry its only a cockle. But wait. Theres something wrong. Its not an ordinary cockle at all. It's a cockle as big as a jumbojet. And its shell is opening and shutting like a pair of huge jaws.

(ELIZABETH SCREAMS UNCONTROLLABLY. RUPERT SLAPS HER AND SHE STOPS IMMEDIATELY)

ELIZABETH Rupert. You hit me.

RUPERT

Yes I did Elizabeth. Slapping women is of course unacceptable in this modern day and age but it is permissible if they become hysterical and immune to rationality.

ELIZABETH Isnt that rather a subjective criterion?

RUPERT

No it isnt, although some say its political correctness gone mad. Come on lets get out of here while theres still time.

NARRATOR Incredibly, Rupert and Elizabeth have chanced upon the dread secret of that apparently innocent coastline. Within seconds they are speeding away in Ruperts high-powered Ford Murdoch - the vehicle with the ability to push other hover cars off the road. In a trice, they pull up at a typical friendly British roadside inn.

(RUPERT AND ELIZABETH ENTER THE BAR)

RUPERT

Landlord. Landlord. Where's the telephone.

LANDLORD (WHO THROWS A TEA-CLOTH OVER THE TELEPHONE ON THE BAR) Telephone you say. What be this telephone of which you speak?

RUPERT

Telephone. You know. It sends messages, Using electricity.

LANDLORD Luctricity. Ah, what be this lucricity, then? Sounds to me like a device of the devil.

ELIZABETH Surely you must have electricity. This is the year 2084 - surely you didn't miss the Pope's wedding on the television last week - she looked so beautiful.

RUPERT

Listen to me, there's a cockle the size of St Paul's Cathedral attacking the coast. We must get word to the Prime Minister George Galloway is sure to know what to do.

LANDLORD Nay, nay, don't 'e worry. That be one of them rides from Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo World, broke off is moorings, like as not.

ELIZABETH It was alive. We saw it biting bits off the pier and spitting them out.

LANDLORD No, no, my dear you be seeing things. I reckon it be them hallucineragenic drugs what them green campaigners keep putting in the yoghurt in order to subvert society.

FX

DISGUSTING SLURPING NOISES ARE HEARD NEARBY.

(ELIZABETH RUSHES TO THE WINDOW)

ELIZABETH It's here, it's caught up. It's eating the post office.

LANDLORD It don matter. Is bein shut down due to the Royal Mail rationalisationin anyhow.

RUPERT

You cant have mutant sea creatures devouring public buildings. Wheres it all going to end? Thats no hallucination out there, landlord. Theres no time to lose. Kindly direct me to the nearest telephone.

LANDLORD Now, now, calm down. Theres no need to get all flubbergasted by all this. People knows you ave to be careful when consumin seafood

RUPERT

Were not talking about people eating seafood, were talking about seafood eating people.

LANDLORD Oh no, no, no, don'e worry none bout that there cockle. He'll be back in that sea, afore 'e know it. We don' wants to go worryin people and causin a kerfuffel about it see. Business is bad enough, 'e knows. If this'm gets out it'll be curtains for 'e tourist trade. It's bad enough what with everyone goin' to Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo World. But if they gets wind of this - well, lets be honest, who wants to go on holiday and get slurped up by a giant cockle.

RUPERT

Only the worst kind of pervert. (BEAT) Well, Elizabeth it's just as I thought. Its an unholy alliance local businessmen involved in a devilish conspiracy to protect their own economic self-interest. You knew about the cockle all along didn't you landlord, admit it.

LANDLORD Oh ok, fair nough, the game be up. We be rumbled right enough. But look, 'e don't eat that many. And it's only the old folk what can't run away. 'us nature's way.

RUPERT

Listen to me landlord, It may be that we have a problem with the amount of people living into old age due to improvement in living standards and medical techniques, but we can't solve the problem by feeding our dear old grannies to giant cockles - not without a referendum at least. Now, for the last time, where's the telephone.

LANDLORD Oh telephone. Why didnt you say? Here he be. I mustve put the tea cloth over im by mistakeness.

RUPERT

(PICKS UP RECEIVER AND DIALS) Get me Prime Minister. I need to speak to him immediately. Look I simple dont have time to go through all these options. Just get me the Prime Minister now. Oh very well, (PAUSE) Option 3. (PAUSE) Option 2. (PAUSE) Option 7. (PAUSE) Option 3. No I mean Option 4. Bugger. Now Ive got Rabies helpline.

(SLAMS DOWN THE RECEIVER)

LANDLORD (WHO IS BROWSING THROUGH YELLOW PAGES). Les see. Muckspreaders, Musicians, Muppets, Mutants, Mutant Squad. Try them.

RUPERT

(DIALS THE NUMBER) Come on. Pick up, Pick up. Hello. Yes. Is that the Mutant Squad? Good. Now theres a giant mutant cockle attacking the coastline What? Oh, I see, right, well thank you. No not today thank you. Goodbye

LANDLORD No Good?

RUPERT

He said they dont deal with mutants. They are mutants. They said did we want a fourteen legged octopus. I said no.

LANDLORD Fourteen legged. Mmm. Tasty.

RUPERT

Its no good Elizabeth well have to tell the Prime Minister in person. Landlord what is the fastest way to get to London

LANDLORD Well em the motorway be clogged up with traffic, the trains cant get by the leaves on the line and the monorails come off its track. You could go Ryanair but the nearest airport to London is Bristol, which is further away then we are now. The airships got a puncture. Probably your best bet is pony and trap. Take about three day and youll need to carbon offset the pony farts by stoppin an plantin eight walnut trees in Billericay.

ELIZABETH Oh no were trapped. Theres no way we can get through to the Prime Minister now. Our countrys under attack and theres nothing we can do. Nothing. Nothing.

( RUPERT SLAPS HER)

ELIZABETH Ouch you hit me again. What did you do that for?

RUPERT

You were getting hysterical.

ELIZABETH No I wasnt. I was reiterating our current predicament by using emphasized repetition.

RUPERT

Sounded like hysteria to me.

LANDLORD Theres no denyin it, miss. You was goin mardy.

ELIZABETH Its only hysteria when I wave my hands about like this and start screaming like this.

( ELIZABETH SCREAMS. RUPERT SLAPS HER)

ELIZABETH You hit me again?

RUPERT

You were waving your hands about and screaming.

ELIZABETH No I wasnt. I was demonstrating waving my hands about and screaming.

RUPERT

Well how am I supposed to tell the difference? (BEAT) Ill never understand women, Landlord.

LANDLORD Me neither. My wife don unnerstan me at all.

RUPERT

Is she difficult?

LANDLORD No she be Lithuanian. Don speak a word of English. I got er off the Net

RUPERT

What the World Wide Web?

LANDLORD No off the Net. She were attemptin illegal entry when the trawlers netted er

NARRATOR Just as Rupert and Elizabeth felt that the whole narrative drive of the scene might be lost completely, they remembered they had arrived on the coast by hover car. This meant that they could travel to London across the fields and warn the authorities of the terrifying scenario currently unfolding in Suffolk.

FX

DOOR KNOCKER

SM

Come in.

RUPERT

Ah, Sargent Major, is this the headquarters of the British Armed Forces in London.

SM

Yes Sah.

ELIZABETH We need to send some soldiers to Suffolk immediately.

SM

Whatd she say sah?

RUPERT

We need to send soldiers to Suffolk immediately

SM

Whyzat Sah?

ELIZABETH The coast is being attacked by a giant mollusc.

SM

Whatd she say sah?

RUPERT

The coast is being attacked by a giant mollusc.

SM

Aright les ave a look in the book. No sno good. es in Tasmania fighting the Maoris.

RUPERT

Cant you send somebody else.

SM

Only got the one Sah

RUPERT

One soldier

SM

Yes sah and es in Tasmania fighting the Maoris.

RUPERT

What happened to the rest?

SM

Got killed sir, most of them. Went into battle and the laptops wouldnt boot up. It was a blood barf.

RUPERT

What about the rest?

SM

Yanks killed em, sir.

RUPERT

But the Americans are our allies.

SM

Yes sah. They dont mean to. Thats why they call it friendly fire?

RUPERT

Friendly fire?

SM

Yes sah. Is simlar to normal fire only they shoot you in the back.

RUPERT

Why do they do it?

SM

Dont rightly know sah

ELIZABETH Couldnt you recruit some new soldiers?

SM

Whatd she say sah?

RUPERT

She said Couldnt you recruit some new ones?

SM

No sah, new computer system cost too much. Couldnt afford any more soldiers. Just laptops.

RUPERT

So whos defending our country?

SM

The Americans sah. Theyll sort it out for you.

RUPERT

But arent they a bit trigger happy?

SM

Oh yes sah.

RUPERT

And dont they tend to shoot at their allies

SM

Oh yes sah. Thats why es in Tasmania sah. Its the only place where they cant get at him. Theyre alright the Yanks. Just dont put on a uniform and turn yer back on them.

ELIZABETH Surely they wouldnt hurt women and children?

SM

Whatd she say sah?

RUPERT

Surely Oh never mind. Just forget it. Theres no time to waste. Lets go.

NARRATOR Within minutes Rupert and Elizabeth were back in the hovercar and on the way to the American Air Force who, at that moment were attacking a Scout Jamboree in Cumbria. They had mistaken Arkela for El Queda. Realising their error, they turned back to base dropping their spare munitions over Walsall where are damage wouldnt be noticed. Back at base a four star general was about to address his men. They would have gone for the three star general but they wanted a Jacuzzi and a mini-bar.

GENERAL

Men, this a map of England.

CORPORAL Actually, thats a map of Tasmania sit.

GENERAL

Really? Did we kill him yet?

CORPORAL Not yet.

GENERAL

Right, bring up the map of England. Now I'm not going to hide the gravity of the situation from you. This is a dangerous mission. This giant slurping cockle - codename Clinton - has already eaten several large towns in the area. Nor-Wych, Eyeps-Wych, Har-Wych and Fellatio..

CORPORAL That would be Felixstowe, sir.

GENERAL

My God these Brits are weird. Why cant they speak American like the rest of the world. (BEAT) Now, hundreds of innocent women and children have been slurped up. Many guilty men have been guzzled up too, but then sex is for making babies, and as it says in the great book 'They that indulge in unnatural practices shall themselves have unnatural practices practiced upon they themselves, verily' - and the President knew what he was talking about when he had that ghostwritten for him. Now where was I?

CORPORAL A very dangerous mission, sir.

GENERAL

Did I say dangerous? I don't mean dangerous, men. I mean suicidal. You'll go out there and that cockle will reach out with its tentacles and, one by one, it'll smash you out of the sky.

CORPORAL Couldn't we send the British instead, Sir.

GENERAL

We're here to protect the British and only to kill in the event of the Liberal Democrats taking power. Now men, you know what they say, When the going gets tough, the tough get running.

CORPORAL That would be going sir, not running.

GENERAL

Good point.. Now men I would never ask you to do anything I wouldnt do myself.

CORPORAL Will you be leading the mission then, sir?

GENERAL

No. I will be in the heavily fortified bunker here watching it all through high-powered binoculars. Its going to be tough because the waiting is the hardest thing.

CORPORAL Worse than getting battered a by giant mutant and exploding in a giant fireball, sir?

GENERAL

Far far worse. If I may paraphase the immortal words of Rupert Bear therell be some corner of an English field that is forever American.

CORPORAL That would be Brooke, sir.

GENERAL

Brooke Bear? What was he - some sort of injun?

CORPORAL Dont we already have Macdonalds, Starbucks, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Ford Motors and several air bases in England already, sir

GENERAL

Make that ;several corners that will be forever America;. But listen to me men. You can be sure if y all die horribly you wont be dying in vain. Youre sacrifice wont be futile. Pointless, maybe, but definitely not futile. Now boys take those jets aloft and make me proud to be an Armenian.

CORPORAL That would be an American sir.

NARRATOR So while the Pilots of the USAF prepared for the first wave of attack. Rupert and Elizabeth jumped into the hovercar and made their way East. They were unprepared for the appalling devastation that awaited them: Burned out cars, buildings razed to the ground and people aimlessly wandering about, dazed and confused, with only rags on their backs (BEAT) So they just had the one coffee at South Mimms services and continued on with their journey to the coast. They sought a hill where there could watch the battle unfold. Unfortunately this being East Anglia, they were no hills so they had to make do with standing on a beer crate. But even from this height they could still see Cromer Pier in the distance.

(RUPERT AND ELIZABETH ARE BALANCING PRECARIOUSLY ON A MILK CRATE)

FX

THE SOUND OF JETS FLYING OVERHEAD. JET ATTACK SOUNDS WILL CONTINUE THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENE.

RUPERT

There they go, Elizabeth, those brave young men, risking their lives for the sake of old England. Our hopes and prayers go with them.

ELIZABETH Those brave boys - some of them as young as seventeen, not even old enough to be practising homeosexuals.

RUPERT

Well thank goodness for that, darling. Let's just hope that the casualty figures are not too high - say 55 to 60% maximum. Look the first wave are going in for the kill.

ELIZABETH Oh no, no, no. The cockle knocked them out of the sky to their certain deaths, like plankton before a blue whale

RUPERT

What's a blue whale, darling?

ELIZABETH Oh just this huge mammal that used to swim in the oceans. If only the Japanese hadn't needed them all for scientific research into conservation.

RUPERT

Don't worry dear, the second wave'll destroy that fiendish creature from hell.

ELIZABETH Oh no. It opened it's shell and swallowed them whole.

RUPERT

It's spitting out the heat-seeking missiles as if they were chicken bones. Look, there goes the third wave.

ELIZABETH They didn't stand a chance. Poor young boys. Rupert, why is the fourth wave heading in that direction? The cockles over there

RUPERT

They're probably pretending to run away to draw it out of its lair.

ELIZABETH But it isn't in a lair.

RUPERT

Its a tactical thing. You wouldn't understand.

ELIZABETH It hasn't worked (BECOMING HYSTERICAL) We've failed. The cockles going to destroy our whole country We're all going to die...die, I tell you, die (RUPERT SLAPS HER) You know, Rupert, the whole slapping thing. I mean, is that absolutely necessary?

RUPERT

It seems to do the trick my darling.

ELIZABETH Yes, but you do seem to be doing it rather a lot lately. You see, on the one hand you have the hysteria-resolution process, but on the other hand you have the politically-correct anti wife-beating issue. Do you see where Im going with this?

RUPERT

I hear what youre saying, dear, but surely, violence, in certain clearly defined situations can be a cathartic and even beneficial, albeit, as I have said, only in extremis. To give you an example. If your hysterical screaming draws the cockles attention to our whereabouts and the cockles then slurps us up to an appalling death, surely the slapping, purely in this context, could, and I emphasize the word could (RUPERT INDICATES QUOTATION MARKS WITH HIS HANDS), be regarded, if you will, as a lesser evil.

FX

SLURPING NOISES

ELIZABETH Rupert I think hes seen us.

ROBERT

Who?

ELIZABETH The cockle.

ROBERT

Elizabeth Im sorry but I have to say this, but I notice you have this habit of, rather than accepting my arguments are in the ascendant, diverting the conversation to some other entirely unrelated topic.

ELIZABETH Its coming this way.

ROBERT

There you see, youre doing it again.

ELIZABETH The cockles seen us. Hes coming.

ROBERT

(FINALLY SEES IT) Bloody hell, youre right. What are we going to do?

ELIZABETH I know, well go and see my uncle Dr Heidlberg. Hell know what to do. Hes a scientist.

RUPERT

How do you know?

ELIZABETH He wears this white coat and talks with a German accent and he stands by a table with all these glass bottles.

RUPERT

Youre right, he must be a scientist. He may be our last chance. Let's go and see him right away.

NARRATOR Narrowly escaping the claws, well, the sort-of tentaclely things, of the cockle, the young couple jump in their hover-car and make their way to Cambridge, Scientist Headquarters of Britain. As they approach the

laboratory of Dr Heidleberg, little do they know that the fate of civilisation as we know it today rests entirely in their hands. Their success or failure would dictate whether humankind would find happiness and advancement or disappear down the gullet of a monstrous creature created, ironically, by their own insatiable greed for capucchino machines and heated hair-straighteners. Thats humankinds greed, not Ruperts and Elizabeths obviously.

HEIDLEBERG

Just vun sniff urf this unt ze enemy soldier's ability to distinguish between unt piece of fresh fruit end unt car accessory is temporarily impaired. Ent so ze soldier dies horribly eating unt shock absorber unter ze impression it is unt Cox's Orange Pippin.

ASSISTANT

Mmm.

HEIDLEBERG

You dont seem too impressed.

ASSISTANT

Mmm.

(ELIZABETH AND RUPERT ENTER)

HEIDLEBERG

Vy it is my niece unt her boyfrent Rupert. Velcum to ze Institute urf Peace Studies. Ziz iz mine assistant Miss Bittenpart. I'm afraid she iz unable to speak

ASSISTANT

Mmm.

ELIZABETH

Oh no, was it due to a terrifying incident in her childhood.

HEIDLEBERG

No, she doesn't have unt Equity Cart.

RUPERT

Doctor, Have you heard about the giant cockle?

HEIDLEBERG

I hev, unt it was nothing to do mit us. Ve never release ze nurf gas, except urn verr vindy days.

RUPERT

No, you misunderstand. We want you to help us get rid of it.

HEIDLEBERG

Ah zats different. Vat you need is unt toxic gas zat instantly asphixiates all life forms vissin unt five-mile radius, while leaving ze buildings intect. Unt it just so heppens, I hev such a canister hendy.

ELIZABETH

But why would you have such a thing in a peace institute?

HEIDLEBERG

Someone must hef zem or zay could fall into ze wrong hents. Unfortunately, I hev not yet tested zis particular betch, apart from a quick blast to ze bus queue by ze front gate.

ELIZABETH

And did it work?

HEIDLEBERG

Yes. Unt no.

ELIZABETH

What happened?

HEIDLEBERG

It killed ze passengers ok. But. It also melted ze bus shelter.

ELIZABETH

Sounds like just the thing we need.

RUPERT

Youre right. We'll just have to risk it. Well thanks Doc. It looks like science comes to the rescue again. Let's get this canister to the General immediately.

ELIZABETH

Well goodbye uncle and goodbye his assistant.

ASSISTANT

Mmm.

(ELIZABETH AND RUPERT EXIT)

HEIDLEBERG

Well zats got rid of one of zem. Urnly fife hundret thousand to go. Are you sure Saddam Hussein cancelled his order?

ASSISTANT

Mmm.

NARRATOR

Once again Rupert and Elizabeth find themselves in a race against time as they speed across the fields back to the battlezone . Only the cows are witness to their journey as they turn and stare idly as strange craft speeds relentless across the otherwise peaceful fields. Thats the cows that are staring idly obviously not Rupert and Elizabeth because theyre in the hovercraft, so they couldnt be watching themselves. Just thought Id clear that one up. OK. (BEAT) Carry on.

GENERAL

Men

PILOT

Man.

GENERAL

Sorry?

PILOT

Man. Theres just me sir.

GENERAL

Man. That doesnt seem quite right, does it?

PILOT

You could say Gerald instead of man.

GENERAL

Whos Gerald?

PILOT

Thats me sir.

GENERAL

Whats your first name?

PILOT

That is my first name.

GENERAL

I cant call you by your first name. This is a briefing. Whats your second name

PILOT

Lamb, sir. You know, as in sacrificial Lamb.

GENERAL

Mmm. Im probably going to stick with the Men thing for now. Well just pretend that theres loads of people here. OK?

PILOT

If you say so, Sir.

GENERAL

Men. I wont try to hide the gravity of the situation to you. We have launched three attacks on the cockle and every one so far has failed.

PILOT

What about the fourth wave, sir?

GENERAL

They had to go back to Texas. Apparently they had to do a flyby at the () County Fair and Flight Leader Bush didnt want to let anybody down. (BEAT) The point is theres only one serviceable aircraft left. Now you may have a little trouble taking off as youll be carrying a canister of deadly nerve gas and a small thermo-nuclear device on the passenger seat and its only got the one propeller. But youll be fine once youre airborn. Just wait until the cockles looking the other way. Then zam, you fly straight into his mouth.

PILOT

A nuclear device. Wont that kill millions of people sir?

GENERAL

No, no, no, we wont be deliberately killing people as such, although we do expect the collateral damage to be around 100% mark.

PILOT

And wont that mean that people wont be able to live in East Anglia for 1000 years.

GENERAL

Well it kinda depends on what you mean by the word live, son. You know, you dont have to worry because all this was foreseen in the Bible Verily the Lords wrath shall be visited upon the sinner, the doer of unnatural practices. Amen

PILOT

Its like Sodom and Gomarragh all over again. Are they many sodomites in East Anglia sir.

GENERAL

Thousands and thousands - they like the sea views, the fresh air. Havent you see the 50 foot Barbara Streisand statue they built in Yar-Mouth?

PILOT

Theres just one thing sir.

GENERAL

Yes son.

PILOT

If I go straight into the cockles mouth and throw out the nerve gas the nuclear bomb, wont it be sort of difficult for me to pull out in time?

GENERAL

Son. have you ever heard the expression Kamikaze?

PILOT

No sir.

GENERAL

Good, good. (BEAT) Now. Off you go son. I want you to go straight into that darned cockles mouth and once youre in there await further orders. Is that understood. Ill be right here so if theres anything I can do for you or your widow er, wife, you just let me know.

PILOT

Gosh were gonna have some stories to tell at dinner tonight. Shall I order two big steaks.

GENERAL

Hmm probably just the onell probably do it.

NARRATOR Lined along the runway, the crowds cheer as the tiny fragile single engined Cesna takes off. All hope of salvation lies in the hands of a young American man. He is no more than a boy. Just out of high school. Barely out of short trousers. And yet with him goes the hopes of all humanity. Even the cows in the fields look up from chewing the cud somehow subconsciously knowing that on the fate of this young

man holds the key not only to the survival of humanity but also the future of all bovine life forms on Earth.

FX

THE SOUND OF A TINY AIRCRAFT FLYING, SPLUTTERING AND THEN A THUNDERING BELCH

RUPERT

Right. Well that didnt work did it.

ELIZABETH Oh Rupert. What are we going to do?

RUPERT

Well just to summarise: Theres a giant cockle laying waste to East Anglia. Its been attacked by the finest weapons available to humanity including a nuclear bomb and a canister of deadly nerve gas but that hasnt had the slightest effect on it, so theres nothing in its way stopping it exterminating mankind and destroying civilisation as we know it today. (PAUSE) So basically were all going to die. (BEAT) Die.. die, I tell you, die Were all going to die

(ELIZABETH SLAPS HIM)

RUPERT

What did you do that for?

ELIZABETH You were getting hysterical.

RUPERT

Men dont get hysterical.

ELIZABETH You were.

RUPERT

I was merely reiterating the current predicament we find ourselves we find ourselves in.

ELIZABETH and getting hysterical.

RUPERT

Was not.

ELIZABETH You were going to cry.

RUPERT

I was not.

ELIZABETH You was

RUPERT

Wasnt

ELIZABETH Was

RUPERT

Wasnt

ELIZABETH Was

RUPERT

Stop, stop. Listen to us Elizabeth. Arguing. Bickering. This isnt us. Its the cockle dont you see. Its tearing us apart. We cant let this happen. We cant let the cockle beat us. I wont be defeated by shellfish.

ELIZABETH (UNDER HER BREATH) Was.

RUPERT

What did you say?

ELIZABETH I said I agree

RUPERT

Good. Weve got to face this thing together.

(ENTER THE GENERAL)

GENERAL

Can either of you people fly a hang glider?

RUPERT

No why?

GENERAL

Well weve got a couple of new bombs we thought we might try out. Just need a delivery method

ELIZABETH Yes but everyone whos attacked the cockle has died horribly.

GENERAL

Well yes. And no.

ELIZABETH You mean some survived?

GENERAL

Well when you put it like that - Mainly yes, I guess.

RUPERT

What are we going to do General?

GENERAL

Well, its interesting use the word We

RUPERT

What do you mean?

GENERAL

Theres a situation building at the () county fair in Texas. Were going to be making some strategic adjustments.

ELIZABETH I dont understand.

GENERAL

We need adjust our focus, rethink our priorities, draw a line in the sand

ELIZABETH You mean youre going to run away?

GENERAL

Oh, no, no, no. But we may make a temporary tactical withdrawal. Now if youll excuse me, I dont want to miss the last helicopter. I missed it in Saigon and had to swim home.

FX

SOUND OF A HELICOPTER APPROACHING

GENERAL

Well its been a great pleasure meeting you folks. And if theres anything I can do you just let me know.

RUPERT

We want you to kill the cockle.

GENERAL

Sorry cant hear you rotor blades. Bye. Take Care. Yall come by now

FX

SOUND OF HELICOPTER FLYING AWAY

NARRATOR Once again the plucky little islanders of Great Britain find themselves standing along against an enemy looking to lay waste their green and pleasant land. Many had tried to invade before: the Romans, the Vikings, the Normans, the Nazis. None had succeeded. For two thousand years, these islands had stood uninvaded, inviolate.

ELIZABETH Actually I thought the Romans did invade.

RUPERT

And the Vikings

ELIZABETH And the Normans.

NARRATOR You think this is easy. Its alright for you, you could do normal voices. I have to do all this portentous stuff all the time. I have to sound like bloody Winston Churchill. If youve got a sonerous voice, this is all you bloody get film trailers and narrators. I can do Geordy you naw Away the lads, wars me spirit level.

ELIZABETH Do you mind, some of us are trying to act around here you know.

RUPERT

Yes, just bloody get on with the narrative, you whining git.

NARRATOR Im only saying.

RUPERT

Well dont

NARRATOR Fine. Off I go then. In the Autumn of twenty eighty four, Britain faces its greatest challenge. Nothing, seemingly, stands before this once great nation and total annihilation.

ELIZABETH What are we going to do?

RUPERT

I dont know, Elizabeth. I afraid only a miracle can save us now.

FX

IN THE DISTANCE THE SOUND OF SINGING CAN BE HEARD: ROLL OUT THE BARREL. THIS INCREASES AS THE SCENE GOES ON.

ELIZABETH Whats that?

RUPERT

I dont know. Its people singing.

ELIZABETH Who could be singing at a time like this? It doesnt make sense.

RUPERT

Its coming from over there. Its that coach. Its full of people.

ELIZABETH Im sure Ive heard that sound before. Wait. I know what it is. Its a busload of delightful cockney stereotypes coming for a day out at Clacton. Yes look theres some Pearly Kings sitting on the front seat and the coach is being driven by Dick Van Dyke.

DICK VAND Oiroit Mary Porpins

RUPERT

Theyre headed directly for the cockle. Weve got to try and stop them.

ELIZABETH Its too late. Its seen them. Theyre all doomed. Were going to miss their traditional optimism mixed, as it is, with an affinity for psychopathic violence.

RUPERT

I just cant look.

ELIZABETH I must avert my eyes

FX

GIANT SLURPING NOISES. FOLLOWED BY A GIANT BELCH

RUPERT

The horror, the horror

ELIZABETH This has to be the end of everything.

FX

THE SOUND OF SINGING CAN BE HEARD: ROLL OUT THE BARREL RESUMES

RUPERT

But wait, theyre still alive

ELIZABETH Theres the coach. But wheres the cockle

RUPERT

Its there. Lying on the beach at Aldborough. I cant believe it. Its just a black empty shell. It cant be, can it?

ELIZABETH It can and it is. The delightful Cockney stereotypes have consumed the entire cockle

RUPERT

I knew they were known for their unnaturally large appetite for shellfish, but I just cant believe they could eat that thing.

ELIZABETH Look. Theyre putting the deckchairs and tying knots in their handkerchiefs. Were saved. The whole world is saved.

NARRATOR And so it was that the world was saved from the mutant cockle by the timely arrival of the cockneys and, although it is true, that they did become violent and laid waste to Jaywick Sands, on balance they were marginally less destructive than the cockle they had so ravenously devoured.

ELIZABETH It all over. Were saved.

RUPERT

You know, Elizabeth, when you stare into the jaws of death, as we have it really concentrates the mind on the most important things in life. Elizabeth will you marry me?

ELIZABETH Oh yes, Rupert I will, I will

RUPERT

Im the happiest man alive.

ELIZABETH Theres just one thing my darling.

RUPERT

Anything

ELIZABETH If you slap me round the face again Ill cut your balls off and feed them to the dog.

NARRATOR And so the happy couple stood watching the sun slip away beneath the waves. All was quiet. But just a few more yards beyond the horizon there came a swirling. The water began to part and from the waters came a huge head of a sea monster and then another and then another. A huge army of mutant sea creatures were headed for the beach. The fight for supremacy on Earth had only just begun.