CULTURE OF ISLAM

085 The Nikkah in Islam

Imtiaz Muhsin 06-Jul-12

The main objective of these talks (and therefore the scripts of these talks), is to stimulate thinking. Sensible, rational and logical thinking. So, my message, think, think & think! Be sensible, be rational and be logical.

85 The Nikkah in Islam

Please Note
1. I have had the great privilege, (since Aug 2010), of presenting talks on the weekly Radio Program Culture of Islam [Every Friday 8 to 8.30 pm, Radio Sri Lanka - FM 97.4] 2. Since these are Radio Talks, I refer to, or address the audience as listeners 3. I am well aware that the audience to these talks would consist of people belonging to a variety of faiths. So as to make people of all faiths feel included, I very often use words and names that are common to all religions. 4. For these reasons, I use the name GOD, as well as Abraham, Moses, Jesus etc as well as the names Allah, Ibrahim (Alaihis Salaam), Moosa (Alaihis Salaam), Easa (Alaihis Salaam) etc 5. Muslims by habit usually say Sallallahu Alaihiwasallam, when the name of Prophet Muhammad is mentioned, and Alaihis Salaam' when the name of a Prophet is mentioned. However, in these series of talks I have reduced the use of these prayers & sayings to the bare minimum. 6. Muslims, also by habit, use a number of Arabic prayers or sayings, such as Alhamdulillah, Insha Allah and so on. Again, I have reduced the use of these prayers or sayings to the bare minimum. 7. Sometimes I have to write Arabic words in the English script. I have devised my own way of writing Arabic in English, as follows;

th TH

s Ss SW

DHL DHZ

H h

Gh GH

Information on these talks along with all download links can be found on my on my Blog (http://imtiazm.wordpress.com/) The dates or the schedules of these talks can be viewed on the Facebook Page (http://www.facebook.com/ImtiazMuhsin786) The Scripts of these talks can be downloaded from www.ScribD.com (www.ScribD.com Author Imtiaz Muhsin) The audio files of these talks can be downloaded from YouTube (YouTube Channel Imtiaz Muhsin) The YouTube Link to this talk is at

All Praise and Thanks is due to Allah and Allah alone Alhamdulillah! P.S. The picture on the cover is the Pulichakolum Mosque also known as the Batulu Oya Mosque in the Puttlam District in Sri Lanka

85 The Nikkah in Islam

085 The Nikkah in Islam

Dear Friends, Assalamu Alaikum, Recently a good friend invited me to a Wedding Reception. He told me that at this reception there would be a fair number of non Muslims, academicians and intellectuals present, and he sensed that at this Wedding Reception, they would, in their minds, be comparing the Muslim marriage customs with their own set of customs. He and his family felt that it would be a good opportunity to explain to these invitees the beliefs and values of Muslims, so that they would better understand or glean some insights as to why Muslims behaved (culturally) in the way they do. I liked the idea, especially because I realized that though we are living in a pluralistic society, (we study with, work with and live with peoples belonging to a variety of faiths); but when it comes to religious practices we are not well informed about the different sets of values that mould these customs and traditions. When it comes to religion we get into our own compartments. It is something we do not share with other faiths. It is something private, something personal, and somehow social conventions dictate that this is how it should be, to treat it as such and to respect this privacy. In many ways Muslims are different to the others. In a pluralistic society we realize these differences and we respect them. But then, we cannot help, but be curious about these differences. For example, at a Wedding, the cultural aspect that is being highlighted is the social relationship between Men and Women. In a Muslim Wedding this aspect stands out. It is an obvious difference to the social customs of other religions and other communities. How does this work? In society, Muslim Men and Women overtly display their own peculiar rules of segregation. Contrastingly however, in a family we find warmth and close bonding. So it is not unnatural for those observing the Muslim community to wonder How do they manage it? How could they have two sets, of apparently two very contrasting sets of rules, and merge these rules so effortlessly into their lifestyles? What are their guidelines? Where do they get these from? Who explains these to them? How is it that we see them passionately embracing these guidelines? Some non Muslims may even express high regard for some of our cultural practices, but though they may admire; they do admit that it would be well nigh impossible to even attempt to introduce these practices to their cultures. So it follows that every cultural trait or practice has to have a justification, a moral base, a value system and a set of ethics that are understood and appreciated by those who follow.

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Now, from where would the Muslims derive their values, their morals, their ethics etc? There are many sources such as from their parents, from their extended family, from society, from their teachers, from the environment in the Masjid and so on. But then the root of all these sources would be the Holy Quran. Muslims believe in one God and that God is Allah. Allah has sent a number of Prophets to guide mankind and has also sent books for our guidance. The last or the final Prophet is Muhammad (Sal) and it follows that the last or the final book is the Holy Quran. The Quran contains a number of Aayaths or Signs of Allah, and it is these signs that indicate to us or provide us the pointers to live our lives. Today, I would like to read to you some Aayaths that provide us the pointers that guide us to live as Man and Wife. It is the Aayaths about Nikkah and the relationship between Husband and Wife. Now obviously I am talking about values of Muslims. Then I must explain the value of the Quran or the values of the Aayaths. These Aayaths are the Signs of Allah. We cannot see or hear or touch or feel God. But through the Aayaths in the Quran or the Signs in the Quran we realize that there is a God and that God is Allah. So these Aayaths are very very valuable to a believer. A believer is repeatedly warned not to take these Aayaths or these Signs of Allah as something to be taken lightly. So, in introducing our value system, I would like to quote from S Baqarah Aayath No 39 (2:39) As for those who reject and falsify Our signs, they are the people of the Fire. They shall dwell in it forever. Now that sounds pretty strong, doesnt it? This Aayath concerns the Aayaths of Allah, and the believers are told that those who reject (Kafaroo) and falsify (Kazzaboo), they shall dwell in Hell fire, forever. So an Aayath or a sign from Allah is to be revered understood and followed. We are especially warned against turning our backs to these Aayaths or even falsifying them.
This is the base or the foundation on which the belief and value systems of the Muslims are built on.

Now let us see read some Aayaths regarding Man and Woman, Husband and Wife. (51:49) And from everything We have created pairs of twos, so that you may do Zikr (think, contemplate, take advise, be reminded and so on) (053:045) (53:45) and that He creates the pairs, male and female,

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(007:189) (7:189) [Part] - He is the One who has created you from a single soul, and out of him created his wife, so that he may find comfort / tranquility in her Liyaskuna IlaiHaa.

So now we learn that the purpose of a Wife is to provide comfort or tranquility. The word Liyaskuna IlaiHaa which is translated as find tranquility in her could also be described as find Sakeenath in her Most Muslims would understand the word Sakinah. Now every Muslim Lady would realize that she must be the source of tranquility to her husband and that this ability or this talent or this quality is in her, and also most importantly that she should not hide this quality nor falsify this quality. I am sure every Muslim Lady longs to play this role; she desires to be the source of Sakeenath or comfort and tranquility to her husband. Well, now someone could ask the question, What about tranquility for the wife, where does she get it from? My answer to that would be that in the case of a close couple, the tranquility or the comfort of one would be the tranquility and the comfort of the other. So, it would follow that the real comfort or tranquility of the wife lies in her being the source of tranquility and comfort to her husband. Allah also gives us a further description about this Sakeenah (10:67) He is the One who made for you the night, so that you may have rest in it, and (made) the day to see. Indeed, there are signs therein for a people who listen.

The phrase Lithaskunoo FeeHi you may find rest or tranquility or comfort in it. We all know that if properly utilized our nights can be a great source of rest and refreshment. So the wife must think, my husband must find happiness, comfort, tranquility, rest and even a sense of refreshment, both in body and in mind, by the mere fact that I am his wife and in my presence Is that not just nice? Is that not a great social value! Now Allah is telling us more it is actually another Aayath another pointer that Allah is describing; I will read this Aayath phrase by phrase; the message then becomes clearer;

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(30:21) And it is amongst His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect.

So if I may explain in my words, Allah is reiterating that these are His Signs, so I tell myself, do not play the fool with these signs, the love that is between husband and wife is a special sign that Allah has placed, He draws our attention to it, it is holy, it is sacred, treat it as such, treasure it, nourish it, protect it, love the love that Allah has placed yes love the love! Every husband and wife whose marriage is an arranged one, usually meets each other only after marriage. The pre marriage fear is what if I do not like him or her as the case may be. But all of us are taken completely by surprise when we find that we are completely bowled over by our partner. It is the love that Allah puts between us. Not just love, but love and kindness. and He has created love and kindness between you.

Let me again read that Aayath to you. This time too I shall read it phrase by phrase so that the meaning becomes clearer. (30:21) And it is amongst His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect.

Now I am talking about the Nikkah or the marriage between Muslims. A higher level of a Muslim is to be Mumin. A Muslim is one who submits to the Will of God and a Mumin is one who also makes effort in the path of God. So, if both the Bride and Groom strive to become Mumins and Insha Allah we pray that they are true Mumins; then Allah promises them something extra!

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Just listen to it. At weddings, it is customary to give gifts to the newlyweds. Allah too gives gifts to the couple. Some gifts are very expensive. Do you know what is the most expensive or the most valuable gift, which a couple could receive? Do you know who gives the most valuable gift? It is Allah that gives the couple the most valuable gift. This is exclusively for Mumins. He even describes its value. Remember His gift is also His Sign; He describes this in Surah 8 Aayath Nos 63
(8:62) If they intend to deceive you, then, Allah is all-sufficient for you. He is the One who supported you with His help and with the Mumins (believers),

(8:63) and He has put affection (tenderness) between their hearts. Had you spent all that is on earth, you could not have put affection (tenderness) between their hearts. But Allah has put affection (tenderness) between them. Surely, He is All-Mighty, All-Wise. So remember, (30:21- part) and He has created love and kindness between you. (8:63- part) and He has put affection (tenderness) between their hearts.

It is a special gift from Allah, so treasure it, protect it and nourish it. It is an Aayath or a sign of Allah. Now, it sometimes happens that even in spite of the love between husband and wife, for some reason, cracks begin appearing in the relationship. There could be many reasons. Let us not go in to those reasons, but let us see if there is some Aayath that could that advises us about this condition.

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(4:19) Part - Live with them in the recognized manner. If you dislike them, then it is quite likely that you dislike something and Allah has placed a lot of good in it.

Now when we talk about Marriage, it is very nice to talk about love and tenderness and all that. But then there are other realities that we must face. For example, how does the Quran describe the relationship? What is the role of the husband, what is the role of the wife, what are their duties, their responsibilities, how do they sort out the many differences that would arise right through married life? There are so many questions that we could ask. How do Muslims handle or manage the many varied situations that have to arise over a marriage partnership? Well these are addressed through a number of Aayaths. Firstly let us look at how Allah describes the role of the Male and the Female. This Aayath is so worded that it apparently zooms in to the relationship between husband and wife. I refer to Aayath No 34 of Surah Nisa (4:34) Men are Protectors of the women, because Allah has bestowed some of them over others, and because they spend from their wealth. So, the righteous women are obedient, guarding in their absence that which Allah orders them to guard. As for those women from whom you fear ill conduct, (rebellion) advise them, and forsake them in the beds, and strike them. Then, if they obey you, do not seek a way against them. Surely, Allah is Most High, Most Great.

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1. Men are protectors over women Qauwaamoona literally means stands over 2. Now Allah gives us the reason why, because he has bestowed his Fadhl (translated as His grace) more on some than on others. This could mean that Allah has bestowed more Fadhl on men than on women it could also mean that amongst men there are those who have been bestowed with more Fadhl than the others. Whatever it is, Fadhl is something Allah has given more to the Man. Now what is Fahdl of Allah Many of us think it is material wealth. This cannot be, because we see many women having more material wealth than men. We also see that sometimes the wife is richer in material wealth than the husband. So Fadhl is a special blessing from Allah. (I have discussed The Fadhl of Allah in an earlier talk) 3. Allah tells us that Man spends from his wealth again we think it is material wealth. That is possible, but in this instance it is apparent that the wealth that man is spending is the Fadhl that Allah has bestowed on him. So the role of Man or the husband, he stands over the women or protects the women, why because Allah has bestowed Fadhl on him, and he spends from it. Now what is the role of the Women, or in this case the wife? 4. Allah describes her as the righteous women (

now words her quality in a very meaningful way, she guards in his absence that which Allah wants her to guard.

), she would be obedient ( )and

This could mean that to be protective, as if her husband was absent, and protect in the way Allah wants her to. So she would protect everything that is hers and everything of her husbands that she could protect. Material goods, the children, the in laws, the good name, her modesty the list goes on and on. So the relationship in short he will look after her, she will look after whatever is hers and theirs in the way Allah wants, and for this Allah gives her the honor of recognizing her as a ( and a (

)a great great honor.

Now what if the lady, in this case the wife, is not cooperating, she is rebelling. Allah tells us, or outlines to us, in this same Aayath, three steps; 5. a. (

)FaghidhlooHunna Advise them b. ( ) WaHjurooHunna Fil Madhlaajeeghi forsake them in the beds
c. (

) WadhlribooHunna strike the ladies (Hunna is 3rd Person Feminine Plural)

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Now this phrase (

) or strike the Ladies does need more explaining.

We must understand that this advice is being given to a couple whom Allah had blessed with and He has created love and kindness between you. (8:63) and He has put affection (tenderness) between their hearts. He also informs us

(8:63) contd - Had you spent all that is on earth, you could not have put affection (tenderness) between their hearts. But Allah has put affection (tenderness) between them. Surely, He is All-Mighty, All-Wise.

Now Allah is pointing out to us Signs on how to deal with a relationship that is going awry. Put it right is the message! It is the mans or the husbands duty to protect this relationship, therefore the wherewithal to carry out this duty has to be part of the Fadhl that Allah has bestowed on him, and this is one way or one instruction of how to spend it. Step One advise her that sounds reasonable, obviously the love and kindness, and affection and tenderness that Allah has graced between them will feature in these advice sessions. Step Two Forsake them in the beds it would mean withdraw or hold back that intimacy. Remember that this is not a measure to hurt her only; it is a measure that will hurt both parties. Withholding intimacy from the one you seek comfort and tranquility can be more painful on the husband than on the wife. So it appears that Allah is instructing the man, discipline yourself, and prepare yourself to face patience. The wife may realize her mistake and amend her ways, or on the other hand, she could take it on as a test of patience, confident that the man would break first and she would get her way. At is at this stage that Allah instructs Step Three (

(The particle Hunna is 3 Person Feminine Plural)

strike the ladies! ) WadhlribooHunna rd

The word wadhlrib means go forth, but in this context it is translated to mean strike her

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If you are going to save or protect what Allah says is more expensive than spending all that is on earth, surely it is worth it. But then when we continue to read, we can discern another meaning. How does Allah continue that Aayath? Then, if they obey you, do not seek a way against them.

So does it not become obvious that Allah is telling us that that instruction Wadhriboohunna strike her, really means seeking a way against her. Then does not this strongly imply that the word wadhlrib should mean go forth, find a way against her (to correct her) A good example to describe these 3 Steps that Allah is advising would be to look at the steps a bank would take against a defaulting customer. Imagine a customer who enjoys a good relationship with a bank. The bank keeps on granting him loan after loan. He offers them properties and securities as collateral. So long as he earns well, the relationship is good. Now when difficulties arise, the bank takes steps, they claim that they are protecting monies of investors, but they are protecting themselves and only themselves. They take 3 Steps. Step 1 The Customer is advised a number of meetings, a number of red notices, a number of attempts at restructuring. Step 2 Financial strictures are put in place, the intimacy, the relationship is put on hold. Here the customer is in a terrible plight, his cash flow is affected. His integrity is at stake. His credibility is at stake. There are many penalty clauses being implemented. The bank is harvesting. Just see the contrast. Where Allahs Signs are concerned, at Step 2, both parties feel the hurt. In the case of the bank, the hurt is only on the customer. Step 3 The bank strikes! The customer is very badly hurt. He loses his properties. He loses his business. He has to face mounting debts. He has to face a series of litigious issues. We defend the bank and find fault with the Muslim trying to save a relationship worth more than all that the Earth contains.

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Another poignant argument Again, regarding the phrase (

(The particle Hunna is 3rd Person Feminine Plural)

) WadhlribooHunna strike the ladies! ),

I would like to quote three other Aayaths in the Quran that instruct us (

which means strike them (the particle Hum refers to 3rd person Masculine Plural) The 3 Aayaths instruct us to strike them How? With examples that would make them realize!

So does not the phrase strike them give us an indication that we should strike them with good mind opening examples and arguments Isnt the striking more an effort to enlighten rather than an attempt to use physical pain or punishment? The 3 Aayaths are as follows; (18:32) (Strike them with) Give them the example of the two men; We gave one of them two gardens of grapes, and surrounded both of them with date-palms, and placed vegetation between them.

Again in Surah Kahf; (18:45) (Strike them with) Give them the example of TheWorldly life; it is like water We sent down from the sky, then the vegetation of the earth was mingled with it, and then it turned into chaff that is blown by the winds, and Allah is powerful over everything. This time form Surah Yaseen (36:13) (Strike them with) Cite to them the example of the People of the Town, when the messengers came to it,

Dear friends, does not the Quran require us to read, listen, think, think and think? Think, think and think? Think, think and think? Think, think and think?

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Think in all colours, in all flavors in all variety, so that the truth would eventually strike us Isnt the Nikkah in Islam is a wonderful thing? May Allah Taaalah guide us all and accept us all.

Imtiaz Muhsin Colombo Sri Lanka crescent786@hotmail.com

You Tube Channel - HaneefanMusliman

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