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TEXT: JIM HANAS

so In wanted. Playboy and Esquire. Ass and attitude. Like Isaac

and Ishmael, the Biblical half-brothers whose descendants
went on to found major world religions, both magazines
the beginning,
fathered there progeny
lines of glossy were twothatversions
extend ofdown
present day. Playboy, despite its by no means ass-exclusive
whattomen

focus, issued in all manner of wank-books and beaver-shot cata-

logs, while Esquire gave rise to something cagier: the vague cat-
the

egory of the men's magazine. While the former mostly sold sex,
the latter sold everything else, from suits to sedans (with a little
many
sex left in just to be safe), and a lifestyle was born.
But lifestyles are like potato chips: it's hard to have just one.
This late-breaking fact has led to a decade-long surge in men's
magazine start-ups, most of which share the conviction that the
good life longed for by the modern male lies somewhere near the
rags, intersection of Christina Applegate and Sportscenter. The propor-
tions may vary, but the ingredients remain the same: Liberal por-
tions of ass and attitude, blended together and garnished with
ads hawking toys to men. Oh-and somewhere along the line,
rock-hard abs got thrown into the mix. Here, then, are a few of
so the more common recipes.

Maxim
Maxim's motto is "The Best Thing to Happen to Men since
Women," and we all know how well that worked out. According to
little Maxim, what men want are a) plots to extract revenge from boss-
es and co-workers, b) endless techniques for tricking women into
sleeping with them, c) new ways to get liquored up, and d) meth-
ods for meaningfully ranking the size of their penises among
those of the general population. In other words, Maxim may be
difference the most thoughtful men's magazine of all time.

Gear
Although the inaugural issue of Bob Guccione, Jr.'s new magazine
features a shout out to Playboy in the form of an interview with
founder Hugh Hefner- whom Junior credits with inventing the
"modern men's magazine"-don't be fooled. Gear is pure Esquire.

DECEMBER 1998 SOMA

 (If you still aren't clear on the difference
between the two legacies, consider this:
sayingyou subscribe to Playboy for the arti-
cles is a gag even your mom gets. Saying
the same of Esquire is, or once was anyway,
the truth.) All the parts are here: William T.
Vollman in Iraq, a profile of George W.
Bush,and a feature called "America's Most
Wanted."Esquire calls it "Women We Love."
Maybe Guccione, Jr. is trying to make it
up to Hef for the sins of the father.
Guccione,Sr.'s Penthouse, after all, is the
knock-off largely responsible for' Hefner's
rep as the father of all skin-mags.
Big Brother
Speakingof skin, the guys at my local skate
shop assure me this testosterone-soaked
shredder mag was much better-that is to
say, much more testosterone-soaked-
before Larry Flynt bought it from skate-
board manufacturer World Industries and
turned it into Hustler's big brother.
Unbelievable,but apparently true.
Pre-Flynt issues included instructions
for killing yourself and calls for naked pic-
tures of readers' girlfriends. A recent post-
Flynt issue, on the other hand, has no nudi-
ty to speak of. It does, however, instruct
readerson how to construct a "gank buck"
for ripping off vending machines and how to
levy revenge on enemies with a stink bomb
madeout of milk and a chicken leg. I think
somebody'sgot a job at Maxim waiting for
them when they grow up.
Loaded
I remember when "British import" meant a
12-inch of "The Boy with the Thorn in His
Side" b/w Something Positively Twee. With
the rise of lad rags like Loaded, all that's
changed. Porn stars (particuJarly
"Pornalikes," or porn stars who resemble
famous people), soccer thugs, and techno
madness are the obsessions of this U.K.
magazine "for men who should know bet-
ter." Not to mention inscrutable French-
baiting, randy slang, and fashion spreads
that prove, once and for all, that a camel
overcoat hangs best when you're about to
hurl a trashcan into something. As for twee-
ness, well, there is this interview with
Prince.
Icon Thoughtstyle
Not much ass here. Not all that much atti-
tudeeither. No abs at all. Just all profiles, all
the time. Big wordy profiles of actors, musi-
cians, politicos, and athletes that are sure
to intimidate readers of...
P.O. V.
Now,an important part of any men's mag-
azinewould seem to be some form of hip-
ness, whether it's the unapologetic dude-
ness of Maxim or the celebrity worship of
Icon. P.O.V., on the other hand seems to be
giving it a go without all that, um, coolness.
A recent issue asks the question "How Can
I Read More?" and P.O. V. quotes Mark
Victor Hansen, co-author of the extra-lame
stocking-stuffer Chicken Soup for the Soul,
on the virtues of literacy. "Reading awakens
the mind, heart, and body," says Hansen.
"It allows you to make life's journey inter-
esting, meaningful, purposeful, and impact-
Saying you subscribe to Playboy for the articles is a
gag even your momis,gets. SaYing
or once was the same tne
anyway, Qf Esquire
ful." Impactful? Now there's a good name
for a men's magazine. It can take P.O. V. 's
place, just as soon as it folds.
Details and GO
As men's magazines become more and
more specialized, Conde Nast isn't taking
any chances. Between these twin clothes
horses the publishing giant lays out a virtu-
al smorgasbord of male lifestyle, and both
have the advertising bulk to prove it. Don't
want to want to read about Yankee short-
stop Derek Jeter? Well, then, may we show
you something in a Matt Damon?
Men's Health and Men's Journal
Ultimately, there are two sorts of men's
magazines today-those that put women on
the cover and those that put men on the
cover. A few, like Esquire and Details, mix it
up from time to time, but you can be sure
that their cover men are famous. Not so for
Men's Health and Men's Journal. While the
men on their covers are not likely to be
famous, they are certain to be ripped. You
should dream of having such abs. For that
reason, it's easy to confuse the two. Here's
how you can tell the difference (it comes
down to priorities).
From Men's Health: "A bored bunch of
muscles isn't going to grow bigger and
stronger and more babe-magnetizing."
Men's Journal: "Your excess pounds are
probably contributing to at least some
health concerns and-if nothing else-self-
image problems." Babe-magnetizing we
understand, but health concerns? Self-
image problems? What does yawning have
to do with my abs?
Genre
Being a magazine for gay men, Genre of
course falls into the men-on-the-cover cat-
egory, not to mention the less pervasive
wet-men-on-the-beach and men-in-cow-
boy-hats-and-underwear categories. (The
latter, by the way, also made an appearance
in the October issue of Bikini; a fact from
which readers of the formerly square man-
ual of hetero lifestyle are encouraged to
draw their own conclusions.) If magazines
could have opposites, Maxim's would be
Genre. In a recent, typically fabulous issue,
I found only a handful of references to
women, including: a movie biz item about
Bette Midler, an interview with self-
described ex-fag hag Sandra Bernhard, and
truth.
a review of a Judy Garland boxed set by
ground-breaking documentary victim Lance
Loud.
The best thing about Genre, however, is
that it bills itself simply as "The Men's
Magazine for the Millennium" and doesn't
really look much different from the rest of
the field, making it a perfect embarrass-
ment/shame trap for forward-thinking
breeder meatheads everywhere.
Esquire
The grey lady herself. How is she faring in
this maelstrom of, well, maleness?
Understandably, Esquire seems a tad
defensive about the niche-digging going on
its turf, at least judging from its rather
testy mission statement: "Esquire is special
because it's a magazine for men. Not a
fashion magazine for men, not a health
magazine for men, not a money magazine
for,men. It is not any of these things; it is
all of them. It is, and has been for sixty-
five years, a magazine about the interests,
the curiosity, the passions, of men."
Sounds like someone could use a gallon of
milk and a half-dozen chicken legs right
about now.
Bikini
Well, you still can't read it when the words
run over the dark part of that guy's shirt,
but Ray Gun Publishing's Bikini has a brand
new look. The old, short, square format
seemed like a good idea, virtually forcing
bookstores to put the title on the front of
I'he.rack, but it apparently didn't work.
"There it was, hidden behind all the
taller magazines on the stands!" the editors
emote in the new-look October issue. So
now Bikini has become one of those taller
magazines-"Made For Men," as it says it
on the cover for those who were still
unsure. Still too many aimless transcrip-
0
tions of interviews.
DECEM8ER 1998 SOMA