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This book was automatically created by FLAG on January 17th, 2012, based on content retrieved from http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5428418/. The content in this book is copyrighted by ciaobella27 or their authorised agent(s). All rights are reserved except where explicitly stated otherwise. This story was first published on October 7th, 2009, and was last updated on December 14th, 2009. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated - please email any bugs, problems, feature requests etc. to flag@erayd.net.

Table of Contents
Summary 1. Chapter 1 2. Chapter 2

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Summary
Living Backwards from Joan's POV. It's epic.

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Chapter 1
I want to shrink WriteOnTime and sit her on my shoulder so she can say nice things to me all day. NanMcCullen rocks my world continually. I don't own Twilight and I certainly don't own Joan. No one really does. Chapter 1 Thursday, November 19th, 2009 There are some times when I just think to myself "Joan, you sexy thing, you've really outdone yourself." While Rosalie and Alice try to take credit for coaxing Bella out of her shell, they only set the groundwork. She was my creation and she was epic. I'm not going to lie. Bella was lucky to have me. I'm like Jiminy Cricket, only way more fun. I don't remember Jiminy ever convincing Pinocchio to do a keg stand. At any rate, it wasn't until she was with me, full of confidence and without inhibitions, that she shined. A force to be reckoned with. Forces to be reckoned with. We were a team. She needed me and, well, I loved to be needed. Together we put the "awe" in awesome, the "zing" in amazing, the fine "ass" in astounding. Like tonight, for instance. Everyone is at O'Malley's and I watch with a sense of pride and accomplishment as my Bella hops up onto the bar to do a body shot. I bet it's like the same feeling a parent gets when their kid rides a bike the first time. I knew she might fall, I knew she might get a little dizzy, but in the end she was in for the ride of her life. You think I'm joking? Oh sweetie, I don't joke. You have no idea how much effort I had to put into making Bella what she is today. It wasn't long ago that she thought a body shot was something that was done in a martial arts studio. Tonight, there is an insanely hot guy grabbing a lemon out of her mouth and I am pretty sure she doesn't know his name. If I could cry tears of joy, I would. You see, there are some people born with style. No matter what they wear, they look like they stepped off a runway. There are people who have natural charisma.
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Just listening to them speak can inspire you to move mountains. There are people who don't just enjoy being the life of the party; they don't know any other way to be. Bella Swanwas not any of those people. It took time, patience, the perfect pair of jeans, and a ridiculous amount of rum to convince Bella that she too could be the life of the party. My efforts were handsomely rewarded, though. We lived a fantastic life in an exciting city with amazing friends and an endless stream of hot guys to choose from. Yes, life was even better than a body shot. It was epic. Friday, November 20, 2009 The lights! Oh my God, turn off the goddamn lights. It's clear that Bella hears me as I watch her bat at the lamp until it tumbles over and crashes onto the floor. Serves it right. We may have gotten a little carried away last night with the body shots and car bombs. Alice decided to announce that she was coordinating a reunion and my girl, Bella, didn't take the news very well. Who could blame her, really? Let's face it; Bella was totally lame in high school. She wasted those four years away when she could have been practicing my Heels On, Tits Out approach. I should explain. Heels On, Tits Out was a phrase I coined to help steer us through the rough waters of college dating. Heels On, Tits Out. HOTO: H Hold your Head high, walk into a room and own it. O Give the crowd a Once-over. Determine where your competition is and whether they're wearing a cuter outfit. T Focus in on your Target. It is usually better to have more than one in case the first is totally lame. O Go on the Offensive without being offensive. Guys dig a confident girl just not one that throws up on their shoes. Coaching Bella in those early days while she was acting like a kid in a candy store was challenging. My "Heels On, Tits Out" method worked wonders keeping her focused and on task. I just wish I had gotten to her sooner.
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I mean, you don't get an award for making it to graduation without getting drunk. The girl didn't know what a keg looked like until Rush Week freshman year. She even went as far as asking Alice if the silver barrels were for recycling. Again, I'm not kidding. And then when she took her first sip, she spit it out all over the poor pledge on keg duty. But that was before my time. I would never have allowed that to happen. We have a reputation to uphold. Don't get me wrong, Bella's my girl. But without me, she wouldn't know a good time if it bit her on the ass. And in high school, I probably wouldn't have wanted to hang out with her either. The school library wasn't my scene. But the way I see it, we have a chance to change things. That's what high school reunions are for, right? The mousy girl struts in and brings the hunky quarterback to his knees. (Or ends up on hers, if she's so inclined.) Happens in all the good movies. We just needed to find the perfect candidate. I think a little recognizance mission is in order. Saturday, November 21, 2009 I convinced Bella to rock it old school with some gin and juice. I realize now that was so not a good idea as she scampered off to work late, leaving me on the coffee table instead of in my usual spot on her bureau. I want to poke my eye out as I listen to Alice yap on the phone to some guy about the reunion. He owns a bar called The Open Road, but if we haven't been there I'm sure it's not worth visiting. It sounds as if he is saying he can't make it, but Alice is badgering him to reconsider. I'm sure, like me, he wants to poke his eye out too. I welcome the silence when she hangs up, but the relief is short-lived when I realize she's dialing the phone again. Fuck my life. I pray that I won't get caught having to listen to Alice and Jasper argue again. Arguing is a mood killer and I do not condone any buzzkilling activities. I only heard them last week because Bella passed out on the coach, wedging me between the seat cushions. I felt bad for the guy, but he chose this life. While I loved Alice, I really loved her in small doses. He had to deal with her around the clock and for that, I was sorry. He was sorely in need of his own flask, if you ask me. So after an hour of "Alice, why won't you marry me" and "Jasper, not while my career is in shambles", I had reached my Alice quota for the week. Too much drama.
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Fortunately, she gets Jasper's voicemail and leaves a message. When she hangs up and leaves the apartment, I thank Baby Jesus for the peace and quiet, so that I can sleep off the gin fail. Friday, November 27, 2009 Major development. Tonight, against her better judgment, Bella created a Facebook account and it was like the gates of heaven opened and shined upon us. Surfing through Facebook is like catalog shopping for hot guys. As she cyberstalked her way through the Class of 1999, I made a mental note of possible hookup candidates. While there were a few promising options, it wasn't until I saw the picture of Edward Cullen that I was sure we found the perfect peen. Epic. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure this Edward was the guy Alice was talking to on the phone the other day and he wouldn't be at the reunion. He did, however, own that bar downtown. I needed to get Bella to The Open Road to do some body shots right away. Sexy Eddie was waiting. Saturday, November 28, 2009 As I sit in my usual spot on Bella's bureau, waiting for Bella to grab the clothes Alice bought for our big night, I imagine how unbelievably epic this reunion will be. Sexy Eddie won't be there, but I was sure one (or two) of Emmett's football buddies would work out just fine. Or maybe work us out just fine. I hear her chatting away with Alice in the living room. "Yeah. Em's been gone for a few weeks so he has a lot of things to do," Alice explains. "And I'm sure Rosalie is one of them." "I'm glad you crack yourself up, Bella, now get to it. I wanna go live "La Vida Loca" or whatever it is we did back then." I can guarantee you that the words Bella and loca had no business being in the same sentence back in 1999. She probably never returned a library book late, either. When Bella comes into the room, she's holding a cute top and a pair of jeans. The girl would probably be wearing one of those awful velour track suits looking like a castoff from the Sopranos if Alice didn't keep her in line. Although if she wanted to wear one that had "juicy" written across her ass, I wouldn't complain. I can't
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begrudge an opportunity to advertise. She grabs me and stuffs me into her pocket as she attempts to pour herself into the jeans. Bella's never been good at multi-tasking so I cringe and wait for her to trip over her own feet. When she manages the maneuver, I'm pleasantly surprised. I suddenly feel her hopping up and down, but I don't hear any music. I hope that like a football player before the big game, she's psyching herself up. Getting on her game face. Smelling the win. Or whatever it is that athletic people do. But I don't think that was her intention as we begin to fall to the floor. I want to shout to Bella that she needs to protect her face. We can't go to the reunion with a Marcia Brady Football Nose! As we collide with the floor, I feel woozy. This can't be good. Where Am I? Something super crazy has happened and I don't really understand. Super crazy stuff happens all the time to us, but this time we're sober. We were getting ready for a Heels On, Tits Out evening. Alice bought Bella a hot pair of jeans. One minute, she's getting dressed and grabbing me from the bureau and the next, I'm dizzy and feel like I'm falling. When she pulls me from my spot inside her jean pocket, I begin making deals with God that I wouldn't party with Jose, Jack and Jim anymore if this could just be a hallucination brought on by the DTs. But it wasn't. When I look over at Bella, I nearly lose my cap. That isn't my Bella. Her frizzy hair is sorely in need of a deep conditioning. And for the love of Cuervo, the eyebrows! Did she drink a testosterone shake for dinner? My Bella has Dude Brows! Topping it off was the attractive little blemish on her chin. Wow, Bella, forget Heels On, Tits Out. We're going for Brown Bag On, Not Going Out. We're in a purple room that is tacky as hell and FrankenBella is freaking out. Yes, dear, just wait until you look in the mirror. Grabbing me swiftly, she takes a long pull. She's going to need it. Within minutes, she's out again, snoring while I'm left to figure this mess out. I take a moment to scan the room. Zit cream on the bureau, text books on the floor, a Forks High School sweatshirt in a ball on the floor. There is no way. No. Way. This only happens in cheesy eighties movies. I have come too far and worked too hard to hang with FrankenBella when I could be living our epic life back in Seattle. No, this wouldn't do. An hour ago I was preparing for a fuckawesome night of carousing with football players. Wait.
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Forks High. Football players. We're in fucking high school. We can do this up right. We can make high school epic. Heels On, Tits Out. The little boys of Forks High won't know what hit them. Friday It's 1999 and my little Bella is well, little. But she's not the sweet, innocent, and pure-as-the-driven-snow seventeen year old that slept in this room ten years ago. She's smart, feisty, sexy and funny as hell. As soon as we work on the FrankenBella look, I have plans for us. I've already done the research thanks to the genius of Facebook, now we can locate the target and have a little adolescent fun. Unfortunately, I spend the morning hidden away in her back pocket, unable to take in the scenery. I could regrettably smell it. The stench of Polo and Aramis mixed with sweat socks and chalk. High school is not nearly as much fun as they make it out to be on television. High school smells and I need some antibac soap. I'm not even sure if it had been invented yet. God, this is complicated. The next time I see the light of day, we're in the woods somewhere behind a brick building. Bella is sitting on a milk crate and its dirty here. There are cigarette butts and trash and it's just yucky. I hope that she cleaned that thing off before she sat on it. She grabs me with her germy fingers and takes a pull. I need a refill soon which could be problematic. I notice him before she does. While she buries her head in her hands, he comes to a stop once he sees her on the crate. Edward Cullen. I'd recognize him anywhere. He doesn't have that rugged I'll-Lick-Salt-Off-Your-Belly look from his Facebook picture, but there's something else there. He's annoyed and the fire in his eyes is mesmerizing. He's a bad boy with a pretty face and those are the boys that are fun in high school. Oh yes, Edward Cullen, I bet you're a lot of fun. "Oh!" Bella gasps, stumbling against the building. Great way to impress the pretty, Bella. "I didn't know.I mean, I didn't expect anyone to come out here." Breathe, Bella. It's just a peen. You've seen one before. Granted, I bet his is a lot better than the ones you're used to. Just look at him! "Well," he snaps. "Now you know." Oh! And he's a dick. Bad boy has an attitude. This is going to be so much fun!
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"Well, you're a pretty big disappointment, Edward. What a fucking waste." Oh, Bella, baby, watch the time traveler speak. Let's not clue the pretty into our situation. But I'm liking the sass. Conquer this one we will. "What? What the hell is your problem?" he shoots back. God, this is the best foreplay ever and they don't even know it. I wish I had popcorn. "I could say the same thing, Edward," Bella replies. "My problem is that I've had a shitty day and now I've apparently invaded your little fortress of solitude and you need to act like a dick. So, while I have a lot of problems at the moment, the most irritating of them would be pretty boys who are far more attractive when they aren't speaking." Oh snap! Swan: 1, Cullen: 0. "Hey," he calls out to her as she storms towards the building. He's totally staring at her tits. "I'm notI don't usually I've had a shitty day, too." Well, that was unexpected. There may be more to Eddie than meets the eye. "Don't worry about it," Bella replies softly, placing me back into the comfort of her back pocket. "But I'm pretty sure I have you beat in the shitty day department." Bella was always a big fan of understatements. That one wins a fucking award. "Since when does Bella Swan carry a flask to school?" Oh, Eddie, it's so nice that you noticed me because I already have my eye on you. If only I were calling the shots, my friend. Give me some time. I want to see just how pretty you are. "Since when does Edward Cullen smoke his weight in tobacco behind the school gym? I mean seriously, this place is a mess," she adds, bringing back the sass. She needs to bring the attention back to her tits. Have I taught her nothing? "I'm just saying if someone catches you, it's your ass." "Don't worry about my ass, Edward." Much better, Bella dear. Talking about your
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ass is the next best thing. "Anyway, I keep Joan tucked away when I'm inside." You could be inside too if you play your cards right. Yeah, I said it. High five. "Joan? Who the hell is Joan?" Joan's the hot shit that's about to make your dreams come true, Eddie. "Joan is the name of my flask," she explains. I'm not sure if this is a story you want to share with Sexy Eddie, as endearing as some may think it is. Try not to scare the pretty, Bella. "Sometimes after a few too many, she convinces me to be a little naughty. Her motives may not be as noble as Joan of Arc's, but I bet she's much more fun to be around." He doesn't answer and I find myself wishing I could see the expression on his face. "Well, Edward, as heartwarming as this little chat of ours has been, I have to get tosome class," she announces, solidifying the fact that she cannot think on her toes. "Hey. If you end up having another shitty day, there's always another seat here." I don't hear a response from Bella, but knew she was heading back into the school leaving Eddie behind the gym to watch her ass as she left. I don't need to see it. I know he is. It's only a matter of time with this one. I could feel it. Monday Friday was filled with too much talk about Pad Thai. I honestly believe at one point Bella really took a giant dive off the deep end when she started going on about tofu to the nice, unsuspecting man in the grocery store. Fortunately for Bella, he is her brand of crazy. He not only encourages her, but fully participates in her tofu debate. When Alice and Rosalie barge into the bedroom later that night, it seems surreal having the gang back together again. I'm actually happy to see Alice even if she was somehow peppier as a teenager. As they discuss the upcoming prom, I daydream about all of the wonderful things that prom entails, from a quickie in the limo to those crazy all-night parties in fancy hotels. Oh yes, Bella, we will be going to this
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prom and it will be epic. I'll admit that I'm surprised to hear Rosalie 'fess up to her crush on Emmett so easily. She wasn't what you would call warm in her pre-Emmett years. But I suppose pining for him was messing with her. I honestly couldn't imagine what those two would be like together as teenagers. They could barely contain themselves as adults. If Alice and Bella had any idea what went on in that kitchen when no one was around, I know they'd hire a cleaning crew to sanitize the apartment immediately. But who was I to stifle young love? If you happen to be opening the refrigerator when the spirit moves you, I say go with it. I probably wouldn't have used the honey after that episode, but what was I going to say? The conversation took an interesting turn when Bella decides she'll help Rosalie catch Emmett's eye. The little scheme of theirs has promise. It screams high school debauchery and that is exactly what I had been hoping for. Bella needs to experience high school the right way and if we needed Rosalie's love life to be a catalyst, so be it. The highlight of the evening, without a doubt, is Bella's reconciliation with Captain Morgan. We'd only been in high school for a day and I was already seeing positive changes. Just think what we could accomplish with a little more time. Tuesday My Bella is a freaking genius and Bettie Page has nothing on Rosalie. Bent over the front of Bella's truck, parading her assets for the world to see. Emmett looks like one of those old Looney Tunes characters whose eyes telescope out of their heads. I don't know what was so hard before, but I sure as shit knew what was hard now. It seems Mr. McCarty was very impressed with what our Rosalie had going on under the hood. The conversations with Edward get stranger and stranger each day. He and Bella verbally spar with each other about the most random topics. Instead of debating him, she should just be baiting him. Just run your fingers along your collarbone. Any savvy girl can tell you that it's a surefire way to get a guy to look at your tits. But not Bella. Forgetting everything I ever taught her, she spouts off about the most inane subjects. Despite her fail at finding anything captivating to discuss, Edward seems to have taken notice. Behind the gym, she begins rattling off reasons why Edward should name his flask. He hands her the bottle of JD and she takes a quick sip. I watch her body relax as Jack works his magic.
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"It's important to identify with your flask, Edward," she argues. "How else are you going to bond? You see, Joan and I are thick as thieves." While I'm totally blushing over her mention of little ol' me, I really want her to stop this whole conversation and move toward the nakedness. In order to do so, she needs to appear less crazy. I don't mind if it is just an illusion as long as it gets us laid. She suddenly bends over at the waist to pick up the rock she stumbled on and throws it back into the woods. Just as her fingers graze the rock, her shirt rides up slightly revealing the top of those white lace panties. At least she had one decent pair of underwear in 1999. A very audible grunt escapes Edward's lips as the lace came into view. He tries covering it up with a cough, pulling his cigarette away from his lips and covering his mouth with the back of his hand. Nice try. The time-traveling has clearly affected Bella's hearing because she doesn't seem to notice and continues rambling on about flask names. But I heard what I heard and the way he subtly shifts from one leg to the other afterward leads me to believe that Sexy Eddie just may have had to adjust himself. Wednesday Edward is wearing an old Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt under his leather jacket which incites an entire discussion on music that bores me to tears. "You need to expand your horizons a bit," Bella argues. "I mean the Chili Peppers are great, but sometimes I think they're one-trick ponies. You know? I get it. You're from California. Move on," she explains while gesturing wildly. "You did not just say that," he counters incredulously. "How can you even say that!" "Look at the lyrics to Under the Bridge. 'The city I live in, the city of Angels,'" she sings. She sounds like she's choking. "First off, your voice is awful. Secondly, that's one song, Bella, on an album full of songs that don't mention California," he shoots back. "First off, fuck you," she mimics. "Secondly, what about Californication? It's right there in the name, Edward." "So you have one song and a minor reference. Not very convincing, Swan," he replies. "What about Dani California?" she challenges.
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Nice going, Bella. Try remembering the year we're in. This should be entertaining. "Who the fuck is Danny California?" he asks because it hasn't been recorded yet. "Oh, um, I think he's a friend of theirs. I read about him once?" she replies, her voice rising at the end. "At any rate, they're just not very deep. Not like, I don't know, Green Day," she suggests, looking at him as if he would be agreeing. "Green Day? Really? They had Dookie, which was a great album, but then they release that depressing Time of Your Life crap. They used the fucking song on an episode of "ER" for Christ's sake. They sold out," he argues. "Sold out?" she laughs. "Billie Joe Armstrong is about as far from a sellout as anyone can get! He's the voice of a fucking generation, Edward! Do you have any idea what you're even talking about?" "Swan, it's becoming more and more apparent that I need to introduce you to some real music," he retorts. It was becoming more and more apparent to me that we were moving further away from possible nakedness every day. Thursday This is nerve-wracking. I had gotten used to the angry banter between the two all week. Today when Bella scoots down onto the crate next to Edward, they don't argue or debate. He passes her a fifth of Southern Comfort and asks if she goes to Seattle often. I think it's a pretty random question after they practically tore each other's heads off the day before in a pissing contest over a couple of sub-par rock bands. By the way, if I had my choice of music back in 1999, we'd be jamming to some TLC. Admit it. You had the album. Everybody did. It's a fact. What bothers me the most, though, is the complete change in his attitude. Or his lack of attitude. He seems to fidget and just looks very uncomfortable. Even when he speaks, it's strained. My girl, however, is unaware as she clings to the bottle of SoCo for dear life. "I'm leaving," he announces casually. "Oh, you have to get to shop early?" she replies, pulling the bottle protectively against her chest. She starts to stand and I know my girl was focused on swiping the booze from him. God, I taught her well.
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"No, not now," he corrects, grabbing her wrist to stop her. She stands for a moment just looking at his hand. It's awkward and weird. When she settles back down, he relaxes a bit. "I meant I'm leaving Forks. Right after graduation, I'm moving to Seattle." "Oh! Well, that's exciting!" she replies cheerfully. "My uncle owns a bar there. We have an understanding. I bust my ass for him. He teaches me the business," "So, does that mean you'll be slinging cocktails for the young collegiate ladies of UDub, Edward?" "That's the plan," he replies, with a wink. "I've already been researching my signature drink." "Oh, that must be tough work," she teases. "It is," he counters seriously. "I was torn between a Slow Comfortable Screw and a Knock Me Down and Fuck Me. I guess it just depends on how you like it. What's your preference, Swan," he asks smirking. You could tell he expects Bella to swoon, stammer, stutter or whatever girls do when they're left speechless by some hot guy. But my Bella is a pro. Inside she is probably imagining just how slow and comfortable he could be, but on the outside, she won't let him know it affects her at all. "Oh, Edward," she exclaims. "You have to promise me that you'll teach me how to make those! I may not have dreams of being the most popular girl on campus, but I totally want to be the girl that makes the dirty drinks!" "If you play your cards right," he teases. "What will your fans say when you usher me behind the bar and teach me all your dirty secrets," she asks. "I don't think it's what I do behind the bar that will get them jealous," he replies coolly. Cullen: 1, Swan: 1 Joan: Dead "Before I forget," he adds, changing the subject. Thank God. He reaches into his
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jacket, pulls out a jewel case and tosses it over to her. "Listen to this and learn." "The White Stripes?" "They're good. Trust me. It's a guy and his wife's the drummer," he explains. Don't correct the pretty boy, Bella. Can we just watch him talk and enjoy it? "I see," she replies, inspecting the disc. "Thank you, Edward, for being so invested in my enlightenment." "Smart ass," he mutters, nudging her shoulder with his own. I intend to conquer Mt. Cullen but it is taking a lot of time. I had hoped to be halfway through the football team by now. Or at least the chess club, because you know those guys are all about the kink. I'll give it a few more days, but if I didn't see more inappropriate touching and less buddy-movie bonding, I am going to find a new target. Friday I think everyone has a defining moment in their life. I know it often happens after a tragic event forces you to take stock and prioritize. My entire world has been rocked to the core. It will never be the same. The day started out as normal as it could be when you're living ten years in the past. Bella was prepping for phase two of Operation Let's Get Emmett to Bang Rosalie. Let's call a spade a spade, people. We run into Edward in the library of all places after her epic breakdown talking to Angela. Their conversation would have been more interesting if Bella had realized Edward was flirting with her. It's a two-way street, Bella. Wake up before the pretty moves along. We make our way to the cafeteria at lunch. I wince when I smell the tater tots and fish sticks, knowing the stench would haunt me all day. I have no idea how these children eat such foul-smelling foods. The caf needed a tapas menu immediately. The lunch conversation goes something like this: Blah blah blah blah blah blah Redskins Blah blah blah blah blah blah Brett Favre Blah blah blah blah blah blah Peyton Manning
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Blah blah blah blah blah blah somebody Kitna I finally tune in when I heard Rosalie tell Emmett she'd run circles around his ass. Obviously, the word ass grabs my attention. As the girls finally parade out of the cafeteria, I'm downright irritated that we spent the entire lunch period sitting with Edward, making no progress on the nakedness front. As genuine as Bella's intentions may be, we have needs too and we need to be naked with Edward. In the ladies room, they make their clever, quippy toasts, passing me around to celebrate. And for some godforsaken reason, Bella decides to place me in her messenger bag. As she leaves the ladies room, I'm tossed around with crumpled up pieces of paper, smelly magic markers and some old sticky granola bar. The humiliation is crippling. Then it happens in slow motion. I feel Bella lurch forward. I know the bag has tipped over and suddenly it's open. The contents begin spilling out and the assortment of school supplies fly out of the bag past me and onto the floor. In that moment, I see my life flash before my eyes. I see Alice walking past me in the mall, my sparkles catching her eye. I see our first party together and how Bella's shirt fell over her head when she did that keg stand. At least she was wearing a pretty bra. I see body shots and table dancing. The lousy hookups and the Rob Masens. I see us. Forces to be reckoned with. Epic awesomeness. Then suddenly, all I could see was linoleum as I was sent careening across the cold floor, finally bouncing off an adorable pair of shoes. I was kidnapped. You hear about stories like this. Your owner gets wasted, leaves you at a party and you never see them again. Thisthis was infinitely worse. My captor holds me like I am a piece of trash and lowers me into a drawer that smells like the inside of the Delta Phi house. I am surrounded by stale snacks, weapons and drug paraphernalia. I miss Bella. I miss our epic life. I want to go home. Days go by. Weeks. I know I'm contact high because I really want those stale Cheetos. I wonder if Bella has replaced me. Did she find a newer, shinier flask? Maybe one of those fancy Swarovski models? Does she think of the good times we had too? I briefly consider trying to find something to mark off how many days I've been held captive in this Land of Misfit Toys. Instead, I accept the fact that I will remain in this endless pit of despair forever.
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I spend my time here singing sad songs and remembering my life back in Seattle. I'm midway through Celine's My Heart Will Go On, getting ready for the big finish, when I feel the drawer shaking and the lock assembly begins to move. I try to keep myself calm, but I am jacked up by the mere idea that someone is here. Temporarily blinded when the light filters into the drawer, I'm not immediately able to make out the face of my rescuer. But my focus slowly returns and I see that Sexy Eddie is reaching out for me. My hero. My savior. My only shot at getting Bella laid. He tucks me into his leather jacket and I melt. I hear that kidnapping victims often form strong attachments to their rescuers and I can attest to that. I don't ever want to leave Edward's jacket. I smell his cigarettes and that gross gum he sometimes chews. There is also another smell I'm picking up from this jacket pocket. It must be where he stores his booze because all I can smell is Jack and it's making me feel frisky. I snuggle into his pocket in complete and total bliss as he takes me to wherever my Bella is. I get jostled around a bit as he walks up some stairs, but I kind of like it when Eddie's rough. Then he stops and I never thought I'd say this, but I hear the most wonderful sound. "Edward," Alice's voice rang out. "You know, detention was going to be over in another 10 minutes." It was Bella! I'm here, sweetie! "You didn't have to go to such extreme measures to spring us." I feel a cool breeze as Edward reaches inside his jacket, grabbing me and tossing me over to her. By some miracle of nature, she catches me, clutching me close to her chest. Oh, back atcha, honey. I hope you've been taking care of yourself while I was gone. "I went back after everyone was gone," he explains. "She left her desk unlocked. Scored a cool lighter." I know that lighter and he's a pervert. He kept asking me if I wanted to see his wick. Without warning, Bella launches herself at Edward, crushing me into his chest in the process. How long was I gone for? They're hugging? She's pressed up against him and, oh my, by the look on his face I'd say he was rather enjoying this. Nice going, Bella! "Sorry," she begins nervously as she pulls away, "I didn't mean to attack you. I just
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can't believe you did this." Never apologize when a guy salutes you. "All in a day's work, Swan," he adds sounding a little flustered. "I'm taking off. Meet me here tomorrow at noon?" What's happening at noon? Oh my God. Nakedness? "Absolutely," she says watching him walk down the steps. Bella Swan, you big stud. Saturday I wake up full of anticipation. We are going somewhere with Edward, and from the looks of it, I think peen may be involved. I'm a little concerned since Bella, Alice, and Rosalie drained the last of the vodka yesterday. If she is planning a day of naked debauchery with Edward, she'd need refreshments and the Swan liquor cabinet is seriously lacking anything decent. I wait patiently as she gets dressed, pulling on an awesome red shirt that makes her tits look huge. Grabbing the new red lipstick from her bureau, she applies the gloss then smacks her lips together. I can't wait to see his face when he notices how hot my Bella looks. She grabs her pocketbook, takes a quick look at her lame calendar and then.leaves. Maybe she's just getting breakfast. She's coming back. I mean, she never went anywhere without me. I walked down the freaking aisle at Angela's wedding with her! She even special-ordered a garter belt that held me against her thigh. Thisthis isn't happening. She's coming back. Right? Sunday Bella came home late last night, falling onto the bed with a sigh. Her clothes didn't look rumpled. Not that I cared. I'm officially not speaking to her. It took her a few minutes of lounging on her bed before she noticed me on her desk. I'll admit
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that I was glad that she looked guilty. I had to spend all day in this ridiculous purple room. Was she trying to channel Barney when she decorated? She picked me up and placed me on her bureau so that I would be readily accessible for whatever was in store for us today. We better be doing something good. And by good, I mean big and residing in a certain bad boy's pants. Like the day before, I watch with pride as she pulls on another tight-fitted shirt. This one is black and hugs all of her curves. The color makes her eyes pop and the red of her lips appear darker. She grabs a few CDs from her desk, reads her dorky calendar again and heads downstairs. Without me. I listen intently to the sounds below wondering if she's just getting a glass of water or maybe a Pop Tart. She was eating those things like they didn't exist in 2009. When I hear the door slam and the rumble of the truck's engine my cold black heart breaks. Date Unknown I have no idea what today is. I have been sitting on this desk for weeks, maybe months. She wouldn't know. She's never here. What's worse is that there's nothing to do here. At least at home, she has some sudoko books lying open in her room. Don't look at me like that. I rock at sudoko. Here, all I can do is stare at her closet and mentally burn all of the hideous outfits she once owned. Public service announcement: corduroy is never cool, people. Just saying. At four o'clock, I hear her clamoring up the stairs. I wait for her to throw the door open, fully prepared to begin the silent treatment again. But when I see her face, red, splotchy and covered in tears, I just want to make it all better. She throws herself on the bed, burying her face in the awful purple pillows. Although she still has on the clothes she wore to school, she crawls under the covers and pulls the purple comforter up over her head. I can hear the whimpers and sniffles even though they are muffled by the heavy blanket. Normally, when one of the girls gets upset, we huddle together, crack open a bottle of wine and commiserate over bad reality television. I'm a little surprised by her behavior. I've never seen Bella cry.
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Her hand snakes out to grab a box of tissues. She falls asleep like that, head under the covers, miserable while I watch helplessly. Seattle is so much better than this. Tuesday AM Bella wakes up all puffy and congested. I would normally suggest that she put some Preparation-H under her eyes, but I doubt she keeps it in handy in high school. With our frequent late nights, Bella buys it in bulk at Costco. She's staring blankly at the wall, deep in thought. I wish I knew what upset her. I wonder if it's the fact that we're here or if someone is screwing with her. I will bitch-slap anyone who messes with my girl, and that includes Sexy Eddie. Suddenly, Bella jumps off the bed, grabs her keys and runs down the stairs. I'm used to this by now. As I hear her banging around downstairs, I don't expect her to return. I don't expect her to remember that I've been sitting in her room for months or maybe days. It doesn't matter. We were once a team and now we're not. I do expect to get to the bottom of this though. And I expect my Bella, the Bella that is epic in 2009, to return once I do. We'll figure this out and then we'll make it right. Because she needs me and I love to be needed. Tuesday PM After setting Bella's closet on fire in my mind, I drift off and imagine what we would be doing if we were in Seattle now. Maybe we'd go to O'Malley's or that cute little wine bar that opened around the corner last month. I was imaging what cocktails we'd order when I hear her climbing the stairs. She has a weird expression on her face. It's not the look of anguish that I witnessed last night and this morning, but something is definitely up. She tosses her duffle bag onto the bed, grabs a pair of pajamas and heads straight to the bathroom. Maybe it was something she ate. She's gone for a lot longer than I expect and I fear she may have food poisoning. When she finally walks back into the room, she lies down on her bed and stares at the ceiling. She absentmindedly, runs her fingers along her collarbone. Wonderful. That's what I wanted her to do when we talked to Edward. It's useless in the confines of her bedroom. She was never getting any if she didn't figure that out soon! Her near catatonic state begins to scare me. At least when she was crying, I knew
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she was sad. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. She just stared, occasionally raising a finger to her mouth, then running it along her lips. I'm focused on trying to interpret her mood when I hear some strange sounds coming from outside the window. I wonder if Bella is going to snap out of it and figure out what the noise is. The next time I hear it, the noise is much louder and I'm convinced that another abduction attempt may very well be underway. Bella realizes this at the same time, glances at the clock and flies over to the window. I watch as she covertly peeks out and am relieved that she is taking this abduction attempt as seriously as I am. She straightens suddenly, surprised at what she sees and frantically works to open the rickety old window. "What are you doing, Edward," she whispers harshly out the window. "My parents are in the next room." I am rarely speechless, but at that moment, I'm completely struck dumb. Edward Cullen is outside of our window in the middle of the night? It's as if we won the bad boy lottery! God, I wish she had a trellis. Would it be too forward to place a ladder out there going forward just in case? I wouldn't want to spoil the moment. Who am I kidding? I bet Edward Cullen is no stranger to midnight panty raids. He doesn't need my help. I hear him answer her from below the window, but I can't make out his response. If only I was a little closer. She steps back and seems to consider what he has said. With a huff, she turns around and slides on her shoes. "The first post-coital conversation wasn't awkward enough for you," she mutters as she rushes out the door and down the stairs. Wait, what? Post-coital? She had sex with Edward Cullen and I missed it. That's impossible. I must have misunderstood. I really can't hear much. I strain as much as I can, but everything is muffled. I hear Bella saying something about Charlie's gun, but then nothing after that. The suspense is killing me and I think Bella owes me an explanation. I wait impatiently for her to reappear. It seems to take forever. When Bella glides back into the room, she has a ridiculous grin on her face and the little hussy's lips are red and swollen. I can't believe this. She doesn't hook up without me. It's written down in the Bella Bylaws somewhere. What the hell?
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She heads straight for the window, peering out and giggling. My Bella doesn't giggle. Then she waves, fluttering her fingers like some love-struck schoolgirl. She does a little hop when she pivots and throws herself onto the bed likewell, like a love-struck schoolgirl, letting out a muffled scream against her pillow. Out of all the messed up things that I have seen in the past three weeks, her behavior during the last half-hour freaks me out the most. I look over to see Bella staring at the ceiling. Her fingers are tracing her collarbone again. Only this time, her expression isn't blank or distant and that worries me. The giggles have died down, but the stupid smile is still plastered on her face. On the bright side, if Bella did conquer Mt. Cullen, then at least we could move on. I really didn't want to devote three weeks to one peen, but from the look on Little Miss Happy, it was clearly worth it. But that is behind us now. It's time to set our sights on the next target. Heels On, Tits Out. Tomorrow is a new day. Prom Night Bella has neglected to inform me that not only is it prom night, but she is going with Edward Cullen. I hear her talking to Alice on the phone about dresses with bows and pedicures. I'm suddenly not as worried about time-travel as I am about pod people. Someone has messed with my Bella and I want the old model back. I try to keep an open mind about the Cullen situation. It's honestly a waste of time if she's already had sex with him. I mean, who does that? You don't have sex with the guy the night before the prom. Has she never watched a teen movie? Anti-climatic, much? If she had any sense, she'd ditch him once we got there and sneak off with someone else. That would be epic. Knowing that Alice most likely helped Bella find a dress, I pray that it shows some skin or at least some cleavage. When Alice takes the dress out of the bag, I can't deny my disappointment. Is the prom at a convent? Why not just wear a chastity belt along with the granny dress, Bella? Out of all the colors in the rainbow, you wear a black dress? It's the prom! You're seventeen, not seventy. I bet Rosalie's wearing something hot. Bella could learn a thing or two from Young Rosalie. When she's dressed, I'll admit she looks good. Well, great. But she would have been epic in one of those two piece dresses with the open midriffs. If I had a body like that, I would not be hiding it in a black, floor-length gown with bows. Just
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saying, Sister Bella. I watch intently as she gathers her things and grabs her clutch from the bed. She does a quick girlish twirl in the mirror and walks toward the desk. It's the moment of truth. I hold my breath as she approaches and nearly blow my cap when she lifts me off the desktop and places me in her bag. That's right, bitches. I'm back and I'm going to the prom. While Edward Cullen has lost his appeal for me, he proves to be pretty entertaining. I want debauchery and he delivers. As we're about to leave the car, he pulls a bottle of Goldschlger from the backseat and struggles to pull something out of his back pocket. While my eyes are focusing on the yummy golden flecks in the bottle, I fail to realize that Edward has begun filling his own flask right in front of me. I start feeling light-headed and sweaty as I take in his appearance. He's got an amazing body. Steel, two-toned, brushed and polished. Saint and sinner. Naughty and nice. Mmmm. Me likey. Bella raises me up towards him, but as I try to remember the steps of my Heels On, Tits Out approach, my mind goes blank. I wonder if this is why Bella acts like such an idiot around Edward because I am usually awesome and I'm so not acting awesome. Before I can introduce myself or proposition him, he's back in Edward's pocket. Over before it began. My breathing slowly begins to regulate. I'm able to control of myself. I start remembering all of my good pickup lines. I know that I will be prepared next time I meet him. This was just a minor blip in my awesomeness. I'll be able to bring it next time. But for now, I remind myself that tonight isn't about me. It's about Bella, Edward and debauchery. Edward actually impresses me. Sneaking the bottle of absinthe into the prom is epic. I'll give him that. I'd like to know how he got his hands on it though and if he has anymore. That would be a good time. After more boring Notre Dame talk, Alice is crowned Queen of the World, which I thought we already knew. She removes Jasper's testicles from her clutch and they head to the stage to make her reign of terror official. Edward grabs Bella's hand, leading her outside. I can't see where we're going as I'm nestled inside the clutch dangling from her forearm. I'm just thrilled to be in the middle of the action again. As much as I want to move on to greener pastures, I can't begrudge her a repeat performance if she deems it necessary.
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They begin sparring again and I almost wonder if I was wrong about the sexing because it doesn't appear like anything has changed between these two. Maybe I misunderstood. Does anything rhyme with post-coital? When he asks her to ride to graduation with him on his bike, I begin to see through the faade. He sounds shy and unsure, not at all like the bad boy I remember. I liked him better the other way. He begins talking low and moving closer to her. I can't say I'm happy about this at all. The mood isn't light anymore and it suddenly feels like we're in the sweet, romantic part of the teen movie that I hate. It's disturbing and I think it's time to get back inside so we can survey the room for future peen prospects. When he kisses her, it's not at all what I expected. I wanted raw need and desire, not this. This is a Lifetime Movie of the Week, not a trashy teen flick. "I don't want to lose this," Bella whispers. And it hits me like a bottle of SoCo on an empty stomach. This wasn't a hookup. This wasn't random. This was something more and thisthisthis couldn't happen. As they dance, barely swaying to the distant sound of Mimi's crooning, I panic as the gravity of the situation descends upon me. "You ruined all my fucking plans, you know?" he adds, chuckling, "If you told me three weeks agoI mean that first day you basically told me to fuck off. This is crazy." He pauses and I just know that no good can come out of the rest of this conversation. We needed to turn around now before it's too late. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. "Fuck it," he adds. "I don't care that this thing between us has only been going on for a few weeks. I don't. I know what I want. I only want you." That's it, Eddie. You and me, we're done. Turn away, Bella. Do not go into the light. This was not part of the plan. "I never knew it could be like this," she replies. And there it was. Bella was in love with this boy. How did I not see this coming? I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. The signs were all there. The time we had spent apart. The time she had spent sober. She
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didn't need me anymore. She needed him. I barely register what they're saying to each other after that point. I've seen enough Lifetime movies to know this is the part where they're declaring their undying love and deciding on the color of the bridesmaid dresses. I can't bear to listen. Just as I am about to give up hope and accept the fact that I'll spend the rest of my days on a cluttered desk under stacks of Cosmo and Glamour, Bella's voice takes on a different tone. She sounds panicked. "With me? You're going with me?" she exclaims. "There have to be a million bars near NYU, Bella. I'm sure I won't have any problem finding something for the time being." Oh, jump back, Edward Cullen. You are out of your mind. "I see that look on your face and I understand why you're freaking the fuck out, but Bella, there are people who spend their whole lives looking for what we have. I'm not fucking throwing that away. I couldn't live with myself." I call false advertising. We signed up to get naked with a bad boy, not to have said bad boy pull a Lloyd Dobbler, hanging outside our window and following us to college. Not very sexy, Eddie. "What if you enrolled in NYU with me?" "Bella, don't worry about it, really. It's going to be fine. I'm going to start making some calls tomorrow to find a job. I don't want you worrying about this. We're gonna be great." "Edward, let's talk about this later. We should get back inside," she replies. I can tell by the sound of her voice, she's not happy. Eddie may have overplayed his hand and my Bella doesn't seem to like it. Once we're back in the gym, Bella makes a beeline to the poison punch. Before I know it, she's downed two cups of absinthe Kool-Aid. I'm all for tripping out under proper circumstances, but even I wouldn't have done that. She staggers back to the table and chaos ensues. Bella's talking time-traveler speak. Alice goes running for the limo driver as Emmett and Edward drag her out of the gym. She's chanting a
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bunch of nonsense and I just need to get her back to Alice's and sober her up. Tomorrow we can deal with the Cullen situation because he may have won the battle, but not the war. I'm not going down without a fight. Even if his flask is hot as Hades, Bella and I are a team. And nothing is going to change that. A/N: Well there you go. A little Barney Stinson plus a little Elle Woods, voiced by Rachel on Glee.

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Chapter 2
This little snippet is dedicated to Natty Dread, who was the runner-up in the Support Stacie Author Auction. Natty is just adorable and her PMs and reviews always make me smile. Joan thinks you're epic, Natty! WriteOnTime is not only the wind beneath my wings, but the Grey Goose in my flask. Special shout-out to Nikki_BU, who is awesome and screens fics for me because I'm a wuss. Chapter Two For the first time in nearly a month, I feel an almost zen-like calm. Even though I know I'll be stuck in Bella's pocket for the next five hours, I'm thrilled that we're at the airport. And to be honest, I'm kind of feeling badly about that because my Bella is crying. But I know that once these tears are shed, the feelings she thinks she has will pass. I may have even misjudged the depth of her feelings for Edward because I don't even think she said goodbye to the boy. It was strange considering how they'd been mooning ridiculously over each other for weeks now. Made me want to throw up a little every time I thought if it. Thank God that's over. I'm not callous. Really! I have feelings, too. And I love Bella but that whole situation was out of control. What happened to not messing with the space/time whatever she called it? I won't lie. Life in 2009 wasn't perfect but everybody has issues. That's not the point. You can't randomly decide to be the arbiter of somebody's fate just because you freakishly land yourself ten years in the past. It doesn't matter that you think they'd be better off. While there is no precedence for this, I'm pretty sure that it's just common sense. Butt. Out. Peggy Sue still ended up with freaky Nick Cage in the end. Why bother trying to change anything? You'll never change a person's true nature. Take Alice, for example. Now, I love Alice. That girl has style. But she gives new meaning to the term "high maintenance". I've suffered along with Jasper for almost
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seven years now and trust me when I say the boy is suffering. He knows he loves her. He knows they're soul mates. He knows they are perfectly in tune. He knows that if he doesn't get the hell out of Dodge, she will surely kill him. I might be exaggerating a little. But just a little. Jasper is a man on the edge make no mistake. And girlfriend has no clue. About month before "the incident" that landed us in the Twilight Zone, Alice and Jasper had a particularly nasty little spat. We were supposed to be going to O'Malley's with the gang. Bella looked fantastic with her theoretical "heels on" and her actual "tits out". The corset she was wearing was racy even by my standards, but she had taken her most recent string of failed relationships badly and it seemed she was taking it out on her boobs. I couldn't understand why she was so upset. Not only was that Jake guy's car filled with coffee cups that smelled like stale milk but he wore the most disgusting cologne I'd ever encountered. It was like a wet dog on a rainy day. Yet another thing that made me want to throw up. Strangely, Bella's corset set off a chain of events. Rosalie, never one for being outshined, ran back into her room to change once she saw Bella's outfit. Instead of keeping on the sleek black pants she was already wearing, she changed into that pair of painted-on jeans that I despise. Now, Rosalie is a beautiful girl with a hot body but I'm telling you, those jeans made her ass look huge and no one had the guts to say anything. And they had to have seen it! This wasn't a subjective opinion. We're talking birthing hips, people. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. And if Bella and Alice were real friends, they'd have informed Rosalie that she had too much junk in the trunk by now. Wouldn't you rather know the truth than walk through life uninformed? It's a public service. So while Rosalie admired what she felt were her sexy curves in the mirror and Bella hopped up and down to ensure that her tits weren't about to pop out of her top, Jasper seized the opportunity to usher Alice into the kitchen. If I had eyes, I would have totally been rolling them. It's not that I didn't feel bad for Jasper. I did. But how bad can you feel for a guy who was willingly going down with his ship? Grab a lifeboat, man. Save yourself. Alice is not going to marry you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Because Alice is focused on what Tanya is doing and Tanya is focused on who she's doingwhich lately has been all their clients. So while Alice expends all her energy on Tanya and the wreck she has made of their business, Jasper has been by her side, steadfast and true, wanting nothing more than a little attention. Unfortunately, that's a little more than Alice can manage and our boy Jasper's patience was wearing thin.
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As I looked over into the kitchen, I couldn't hear what he was saying but he was making the "Jasper Face". We'd been seeing that expression more and more frequently. It's a look of pure desperation. Pleading, begging, trying desperately to engage her when her mind is somewhere else. He needed someone to put him out of his misery. It was the loud scraping sound of a chair being pushed harshly across the floor that alerted the girls to the fiasco in the kitchen. Again with the implied eye roll. "I'll meet you ladies in the car," Jasper announced curtly, storming out of the apartment. Momentarily stunned, Bella and Rosalie stared into the kitchen at Alice. "Oh shit," Rosalie whispered in low voice. "She's cleaning the microwave. Not as bad as the oven but worse than the fridge." "What the heck was that," Bella gasped, wincing as the door slammed. "We should go talk to her." She began walking towards the kitchen but stopped suddenly and turned around. She scooped me up from the coffee table and took a quick sip. "I need Joan's assistance for this one," she explained. Well of course she did. I make everything easier. "Alice," she called tentatively into the kitchen. "Sweetie, what are you doing?" "Is it really that hard to understand?" she fumed, her back towards us and her arms pumping frantically as she scrubbed the revolving platter inside the microwave. She was really kicking its ass. "What's hard to understand?" Rosalie asked cautiously, standing away from the flying limbs. "Nothing," she replied, dismissively. "Just, whatever. Has anyone seen the oven cleaner?" "Code red," Bella whispered to Rosalie. "She's going for the oven." "Alice, honey, we need to go," Rosalie began. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" "I'll meet you girls there in a bit," she added, off-handedly. "I need to finish this up." Kneeling on the floor, she opened the oven door and began removing the racks.
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"Alice, seriously!" Rosalie exclaimed. "Look at me, please." Rosalie began to kneel down, a selfless act to support her friend, but as those tight ass-hugging jeans stretched to it's limits, a loud tear echoed across the kitchen. "Mother Fuck!" she bellowed, jumping up and looking over her shoulder at the sight of her now bare ass. Thong Song anyone? "Oh my God! Did you just split your pants?" Tipsy Bella asked with little finesse. "Shut up, Bella," she scowled. "I don't believe this. These are my favorite jeans. I swear they shrunk in the piece of shit dryer we have." Keep telling yourself that, Sisqo. She stormed out the room as Bella and Alice stared at each other briefly before erupting into a fit of giggles. "Laugh it up, bitches," Rosalie called from her bedroom. "Don't come running to me, Bella, when you need someone to convince you that the flask isn't actually speaking to you." I resented that, by the way. "And you, Emo Girl," she continued, striding back in the room showing off said thong, "Get off the floor, put away the cleaning supplies and fix whatever is wrong!" Alice's face fell as she remembered the shit sandwich she had been in. Thanks, Mood-Killer. "How about this," Bella interjected. "I'll go downstairs and let Jasper know you're almost ready. You," she directed, pointing to Rosalie, "put some clothes on, pervert, and you," she added, glaring at Alice, "up off the floor before I shove my head in the oven." Bella headed for the door. Turning around, she held me in the air. "Oh, and Rosalie, Joan says 'suck it'." I had never been so proud.
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She grumbled as she took to the stairs, adjusting the corset top and the girls as they attempted to escape. So much for the Hop Test she did earlier. It was inevitable. Those puppies were popping out before the end of the night. Once we got outside, Bella found Jasper leaning against Alice's car staring up at the night sky. If he was attempting to look forlorn, he accomplished it. "Hey Jazz," she began, "You okay?" "I don't know, Bells," he replied, closing his eyes and leaning back. Seeing him like that reminded me that Jasper was a hot piece. And while Rosalie's tight jeans were entirely fail, Jasper's were snug in all the right places. I can guarantee you that Alice was not appreciating that. "Jasper, listen, I don't know what's going on with you two but she's clearly upset enough to start disinfecting our kitchen. I'm sure whatever it is will pass," she offered. "That's the thing, Bella. It won't. She won't marry me." Bella gasped and I yawned. What? I told you I knew this already. "You asked her to marry you?" she asked, clearly shocked by the news. "Not in so many words," he replied, uncomfortably. "I don't have a ring. There wasn't a proposal." "Well, then you didn't ask her to marry you, Jazz," Bella countered. "She can't even talk about it! We were joking around about how Alice convinced Tanya to go along with Brandon/Denali Designs instead of Brandali Designs, which A - is just stupid and B would be harder to change if she were ever able to get rid of her. So I said 'Too bad you aren't having that debate now. You're practically a Whitlock. Brandali wouldn't have worked.' It was unreal," he added sadly, shaking his head. "Her whole body tensed up so I asked her what was wrong. I mean, in a million years I didn't think it was because I brought up being married. We've been together for ten years! How long does she expect me to wait?" "I'm sure she didn't mean that she didn't want to get married, Jazz," Bella countered. "You probably just surprised her." Jasper began to laugh the way crazy people do in bad movies, only he was serious.
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"Surprised her? No. She just can't think of anything besides Tanya anymore. No matter what we talk about, it comes back to Tanya. How Tanya is ruining the business. How Tanya is ruining her reputation. How Tanya is ruining her life. How she can't concentrate on a wedding when she needs to focus on keeping Tanya inline. It's just too much. I love her, Bella. You know I do. She's been the most important person in my life for as long as I can remember. And I put up with a lot of shit because I know she loves me and she doesn't mean to be the way she is. I get that and I'm probably more understanding than I should be sometimes but there is just so much I'm willing to take. I'm not waiting around for the drama with Tanya to work itself out because I just don't see that happening. If she can't figure out a way to deal with Tanya," he paused, shaking his head bitterly. "I just don't know anymore." I immediately felt relieved when I heard Alice and Rosalie approaching. I didn't like Angry Jasper and I just wanted to go back to ogling his package. Alice had the decency to look sheepish as she approached. I wondered if Rosalie managed to pull her away from the stove before she finished cleaning it. "She ran out of disinfectant," Rosalie joked in a weak attempt to lighten the mood. "Can I talk to you?" Jasper asked, looking beaten down and broken. Alice nodded slowly and followed him past the parking lot and around the corner. "What'd he say?" Rosalie asked nervously. "Alice is acting like an idiot," Bella replied, waving her off. "It'll be fine. Jasper knows she just freaks out about things sometimes." "That was intense, though," she countered. "I know but they'll talk or just look at each other and do that soul mate thing they do and all will be right in the world again. Look, here she comes," Bella added, signaling towards the street. For some reason, neither of them commented on the fact that she was alone. I could feel the tension in the air. I didn't know why they couldn't. "Where's Jasper?" Bella the Oblivious asked. Alice was visibly uncomfortable, biting her lip and wringing her hands. "Heumdecided to see if Emmett wanted to watch the game at Sidelines so we could go out and have a Girl's Night," she announced, trying to appear cheerful. So transparent. Rosalie's BlackBerry began to buzz, drawing the attention away from
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Alice. "It's a text from Em. He says that he'll give us a call later when the game is over," Rosalie added, as she scrolled through the message looking perplexed. "Are you sure everything's okay, Al?" "I need a margarita for this conversation," she replied, climbing into the car. "Let's roll." The girls exchanged glances and reluctantly followed her into the car. Clearly hopped up on adrenaline, Alice flew through the streets to La Cantina 46 while Bella and Rosalie embedded their nails into their seats, holding on for dear life. I could have sworn she was driving on two wheels as she veered off down the block towards the restaurant. Bella let out a squeak as the seatbelt tightened against her chest. "Whoops, sorry about that," Alice said with a nervous laugh. "Wanted to make sure we got a good table." She hopped out of the car and right over to the door without looking back. "This night is getting weirder and weirder," Bella mused, taking off after her. Alice wasted no time climbing up onto a pub chair and making herself comfortable. She smiled brightly at Bella and Rosalie, no traces of any conflict on her face. When the most adorable waiter came along, I noticed him checking Bella out. She was oblivious, of course. He returned with a pitcher of margaritas and she barely looked up. "So, Bella, one of my clients is renovating his house and he's looking for a few larger pieces. Maybe a desk or hutch so I'm thinking of going antiquing at that small shop I like in Edmonds. Are you up for the trip?" Stepford Alice asked as if nothing had just transpired. "Umsure" Bella replied, cautiously. "Listen, sweetie, maybe we should talk about this Jasper situation." "There is no Jasper situation. It was just a misunderstanding," she replied, taking a large gulp. I wasn't sure who she was trying to convince. "Okaybut if you ever need to talk about anything" "I don't. We're fine," she reiterated. "At any rate, Bella, we should be discussing
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your love life or your lack thereof." The girl's ability to deflect was legendary. "That's cold, Alice," Rosalie replied. "It's like what I was saying to you yesterday, Rose." Alice continued, ignoring Rosalie's warning. "Oh, really? What is it that you were you saying, Alice, when you were talking about me yesterday? Enlighten me," Bella asked, quirking an eyebrow and sounding pretty rightfully annoyed. "I was telling Rose that you need to stop pushing all of these decent guys away. Sam was really sweet. So he doesn't get pop culture references. Not everyone thinks "The Goonies" was robbed of an Academy Award." "Stop it," Bella interrupted. "Don't say another word before this shit gets ugly. We do not talk ill of "The Goonies". Finest bit of acting on the silver screen ever," she bit back. "Yes, we get it, Bella. You're quirky. But seriously, you need to give some of these guys a chance," Alice added, topping off all of their glasses. "What Alice is not so subtly trying to say is that we love you," Rosalie began, glaring at Alice. "And we want to see you happy. And maybe you're being a bit too rough on some of these guys." "Listen, I appreciate the concern and your harsh and painfully unnecessary honesty, but I'm going to know when I meet The Guy," Bella sighed. "I don't see why I should settle for someone who smells like day-old dairy products or doesn't get my sense of humor." "We're not telling you to settle, we're telling you not to pass on something you may regret," Rosalie explained. "Trust me, I deal with what regret has done to Em every day. He couldn't stop what happened to his knee but you can stop sabotaging your love life." "Gee, while this is a great time and all, can we move past the 'Beat Up on Bella' portion of the evening and discuss something else?" Bella suggested sarcastically. She took a large gulp of her margarita and returned it to the table with a loud thud.
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"So, Rose, is Em traveling next week," she asked, thinking she was broaching a drama-free subject matter. Not so much. "Unfortunately," she replied, scowling. "He'll be in Texas for two weeks. Oh my God! I almost forgot to tell you! I went with Em to his PT appointment last week and guess who his new therapist is? Erik Yorkie." "Really? That must be weird." Alice replied. "Well, it wasn't weird as much it was uncomfortable. He wanted to talk about how amazing Em was in high school and how he was the best lineman in years." The girls groaned sympathetically knowing where this was headed. Emmett's pro career was over before it began and he wasn't the same Emmett they remembered from high school because of it. He needed a flask. Dude got robbed. "Then it got worse. He wanted to recount every play of that game versus Rainier where Em forced that fumble in the end zone. I guess Erik was taking pictures for the yearbook that day and he went on and on about how the crowd cheered and the team carried him into the locker room." Rosalie stopped, shaking her head sadly. "He didn't say two words the whole way home. That night, I noticed that he had the yearbook out again. I didn't mention it to him. I mean, it's been awhile since I've seen it out. I think hearing the old stories just brought it all back." "You know, I'm not one of those people that wonder 'what if,'" Bella began, running her finger along the rim of her glass. "But you have to feel bad for him. He's such a great guy and so talented. It must kill him that he'll never know what would have happened if he hadn't been injured." "He was doing fine," Rosalie replied, optimistically. "He was trying to deal with the harder aspects of his job and the travel but then the conversation with Erik just sent him into a tailspin. He's been miserable all week." "Jasper wants to get married," Alice interrupted. "What!" Rosalie exclaimed, looking instinctively at Alice's ring finger. "That's why he's upset tonight," she added, staring at the liquid swirling around in her glass. "I can't get him to understand that running the company is more than a full-time job. I want to enjoy planning a wedding and being engaged. I can't enjoy anything right now,' she raved. "She's just.impossible."
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They both knew who "she" was. "Do you have any idea where she was last night? She had a business meeting at our web developer's house getting a private lesson on SEO optimizationat ten-thirty. Oh and she wanted to know what kind of wine we send him at Christmas. Do you bring wine to your meetings, Bella?" "Um, no. Doesn't necessarily sound like a bad idea. Might make things a little more interesting in my office," she mused. Lush. "Seriously. I might have to kill her. Do we know anyone who can do that?" she joked. Apparently, I was the only one that thought she was only half-kidding, because the girls laughed and began joking that they sounded like a bad episode of Desperate Housewives. I would argue that their conversation was actually more interesting than Desperate Housewives but no one asked me. Rosalie's BlackBerry buzzed again, breaking up the revelry. "It's Em. They want to know if we'll meet them at some place called The Open Road. What's that?" Rosalie asked, scrunching up her nose. "I don't know," Bella replied, draining her glass. "If Jasper's back on that NASCAR kick again, I'm out." "Why don't we tell them to meet us back at the apartment?" Alice suggested. "I don't know how Jasper is feeling right now." "Do you think I can filter the rest of the pitcher into Joan?" Bella asked, sizing up the leftovers. "I hope you're kidding." Rosalie eyed her incredulously. "Yeah, I was just kidding," Bella replied, covertly unscrewing my cap. "I'll settle up the tab and meet you out front." Before Rosalie hit the front door, Bella had drained the remaining margarita mix. My girl was a pro. The ride back to the apartment was tense but at least it wasn't as harrowing. Alice drove on all four wheels and no traffic laws were broken. It was when she defied the
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laws of gravity that I got upset. After Alice's talk about dysfunctional relationships, Rosalie's talk of dysfunctional careers and Bella's overall dysfunction, the girls were quiet, lost in their thoughts as we made our way back to meet up with Emmett and Jasper. Instead of the usual drunken ramblings as we climbed the stairs, the only sound was the echoing of footsteps. Like heading to the firing squad. It was painfully clear that no one really wanted to go home. Alice would need to smooth things out with Jasper. Rosalie would need to deal with Emmett's mood and Bellawell, Bella didn't need to deal with anything at all because girlfriend came home alone again. And that's exactly how the evening ended. I was hoping for Act Two with a brief appearance by Angry Jasper but it didn't happen. Without exchanging words, Jasper reached for Alice's hand and they walked back to her bedroom. We didn't hear any yelling. We didn't hear anything at all. Emmett grumbled about the game and how he needed to get some rest because he didn't sleep well on the road. Bella tried to convince them to stick around for a drink but Emmett was insistent that they head back to his place for the night. That left Bella and me. And when she passed out on the couch, I thanked my lucky stars that we were together and we were epic. The way it should be. And it would be that way again now that we had left Edward and all the high school fuckery behind. It comes down to this: no matter what happens, even if it's as fucked up as time travel, a leopard doesn't change its spots. Rosalie will still be wearing those jeans that make her ass look fat because no one will tell her different. Emmett will still wonder if he could have been a contender. Bella will still be the good-time girl I know and love. Alice will still be slowly killing Jasper and that boy will still have one foot out the door. As I hear the flight attendant announce that our plane is about to land, I am giddy. I've never been to New York and it seems like it's my kind of town. I spent the entire flight daydreaming and spending little of it paying attention to Bella. I'm ashamed. But she appears to be doing better. While her face is splotchy and she looks a little pale, she's not crying and the annoying woman next to us isn't trying to comfort her anymore. That's a good sign. When we make our way to the terminal, I want to sing show tunes and buy a Yankees cap. I wonder if there's a Circle Line pub crawl so that we can sightsee and have cocktails simultaneously. I want to go to the Statue of Liberty and ride in a yellow cab. I think I also want Bella to say "fahgettaboudit" - or do they just say that
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in New Jersey? I'm not sure. Regardless, it would be epic. When we arrive at the stairs that lead to baggage claim, Bella stops and stares at the sign. She has a distant look in her eyes and it worries me. Suddenly I feel lightheaded, as if Bella began spinning around really fast but I know she's standing still. It takes me a moment to realize that I've felt this way once beforealmost four weeks ago. As the sensation spreads, I realize what's happening. Oh no. Not again. Fuck me.

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