Storytime Written by an extremely sleep deprived Derek Foret Cast Jack- Wants to score. And pee. Poor guy.

Narrator. Allison- daughter: cute on the outside, incredibly manipulative on the inside. Listener. Debra- mother of Allison. Protective. Kind of a hoe-bag though. Unicorn/Bird/Chipotle Manager (female) Rainbow/Bee/Police (male) Sun/Nick (male)- Jacks typical drunk friend. The stage is split into three sections- a bedroom and a living room on each side, with an empty space in the middle. Jack and Debra intoxicated and in the throes of passion, on couch in living room. Jack (all this is overly-sexual): The things I want to do to you right now... Debra: Oh yeah? Like what? Jack: Like... bend you over... Debra: I like where this is going... Jack: On the kitchen table... Debra: Ooh, kinky... Jack: And make you put a giant piece of meat in your hands... Debra: Oh Jack, youre too much... Jack: And make you make me a sandwich. Debra (confused): Oh. Well. Um. Like being dominant? I can get into that... Jack: And then... Debra: mmhm? Jack: Turn up the heat a little bit... Debra: aaaah Jack: In the oven...

Debra: Is...that a metaphor for something? Jack: Where well get the temperature juuuust right Debra: Yeah, youre just right for me, baby. Jack: For baking cookies. Debra: Um, what? Jack: And then Ill take out my tongue... Debra: ok... Jack: And lick... Debra: oooohhh Jack: The delicious cookie batter leftover on the pan. Debra: Wait, if thats innuendo, Im not getting it. Jack: And then Ill take my hand... Debra: Im going to let you finish that thought. Jack: And search through your pantry for more food. Debra: Yup. Well. You seem pretty hungry. Want me to go whip something up? Jack: Oh man thatd be great! I havent eaten in almost an hour! Howd you know? Debra: A good guess. Stay right there- dont go anywhere. Jack: Wait, do you have a bathroom? I really need to take a tinkle. Like god damn, the levees of New Orleans are overflowing over here! Laughs to himself. Debra is not amused. Debra (aside): God damn it Debra, why do you keep bringing drunk losers home? Jack: Sorry, what? Debra: Oh, nothing. Bathrooms upstairs. But be incredibly quiet, my daughters sleeping.

Jack: You have a daughter? Thats adorable! Can I say hello? She glares at him. Sorry. Right. Sleeping. No noise. Gotcha. Debra exits. Jack walks over to the bedroom side of the stage. He apparently thinks its the bathroom, because he starts to unbuckle his pants. Allison creeps up behind him... Allison: Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Jack (started): Wait, what? She starts attacking him with her teddy bear. Jack: Hey! Ow! Damn it, the eyes on that thing hurt! Allison: Oh, youre not a creep. Just a bum. Jack: Excuse me? Allison: Wow. My moms been known to bring home pathetic losers; youre the fourth shes brought home this week. But by the looks of you, she must have been really desperate tonight. Jack: Oh, shit, I wasnt supposed to wake you up. Sorry about the confusion, Im just trying to find the bathroom. Arent you supposed to be in bed? Allison: Arent you supposed to not be trying to pork little kids mothers? Jack: Pork? How old are you kid? Allison: This many! She holds of ten fingers, and then slaps him with both of her hands (not simultaneously, but quickly). Jack: Ow! OW! Allison: Thats what you get for talking down to me. Jack: Listen, kid, I just really, really, really, need to, uh, go take a pee-pee, so if youll excuse me... She doesnt budge. Allison: You woke me up. So you have to read me a bedtime story.

Jack: Im sorry? Allison: Its only common courtesy. Jack: Listen, kid, I dont think thats a good idea... Allison: Alright fine. Dont read me a story. Im just the ten-year old kid whose father(starts to sniffle up)whose father is gone. He has abandoned me, and now youre doing the same! Childhood trauma has drastic consequences. Ill grow up distrusting men, where Ill eventually join a gang of butch feminists at an artsy allgirls college who tell me I dont need no man Jack: Look, kid, Im sorry about your pops, but I dont see how that has anything to do withAllison: Also, one peep out of me, and your little gig with my mom is dunzo, buster. Jack (suddenly perks up): So where would one find a so-called bedtime story? Allison: Much better. Jack follows Allison into her room. Allison jumps on her bed and motions for Jack to sit in the rocking chair next to it. Allison: Whats your name, anyway? Jack: Jack. Allison: What a stupid name. Im Allison. Here, read this. Gives him a book Jack: Pretty Rainbows and Unicorns. Seriously? Allison: Mooom! Theres a scary man in myJack: Ok ok! Ill read it. Gosh. For every time Jack reads a story, the rest of the actors act it out in the empty middle section. Jack: ehem There were once some pretty rainbows and unicorns Unicorn: Hi! Im a unicorn! makes a cute unicorn ftthhhp noise Rainbow: And Im a mother fuckin rainbow!

Jack: They were all happily dicking around on some grassy field. Unicorn and Rainbow: We are so happy right now! Jack: Even the sun was smiling. Sun: Ooooh yeaaaah. Jack: And everything was perfect. Whoopdefuckingdo. The end. Allison: And the pictures! Show me the pictures! He does so, begrudgingly. Jack: There. Happy? Allison: Ive always enjoyed Pretty Rainbows and Unicorns. I agree with the more modern interpretation of it. Such an eye-opening take on societys run-away consumerist culture, dont you agree? Jack: Sure. Right. Well, goodnight. The bathroom is in this direction...? motions randomly Allison: No! Im not asleep yet. Do you not know how a bedtime story works? Jack: Well, you see, my parents were pretty absent during my childhood, and so I never really was given the pleasure of a bedtimeAllison: Shut up. Next book. They gave us this one at Church. Jack: Hmm. The Bird and the Bee. There was once a Bird and a Bee who loved each other very much. And only each other and no one else. But before they even kissed, they got married. Bird and Bee: Because thats what God wants! Jack: And the bee especially didnt love any other bees, and the bird didnt love any other birds, because that would be immoral. Bird and Bee: Damn straight! Jack: And they never did any kinky stuff neither. Because Jesus would probably not like that. Because he definitely wasnt getting it on with a prostitute. The end. Bird and Bee: Praise the lord!

Allison: To be honest, that one kind of sucked. Jack: Good point. All right, thats two. Can I go now? Allison: No! One more! Jack: Listen, Allison, Im glad youre enjoying these stories, butAllison: No, you listen, buster. One peep from me, and no peak of my mother will you see. Jack: Allison Im starting to become uncomfortable with this situation and the way you talk. Allison (evily): Another. Story. Jack: God! Fine. Hand me another one, then. Allison: You know, it doesnt look like I have anymore. Jack: I see a whole bookshelf literally right next to your bedAllison (ignoring him): So I think youll just have to tell me one! Jack: But...the bookshelf...next to your bed... Allison: How aboutthe story of how you met my mom? Just dont make it last eight years or more. Jack: Woah, listen kid. You may be mature for your age, but that story is definitely age-restricted. Allison: Jack, my mother brings home bimbos like you on the reg. I can handle it. Jack: Point taken. Well, you see, it all started when At this point, Jack joins everyone else to act out this story. Allison stays on her bed, to occasionally interject. Jack: It was your average Tuesday night. I was pregamming with my friend Nick. Nick: Hello! Jack: Nick was well, acting like he usually does. Nick (more drunkenly): Hellooooo....Heeeeey Jack! Dude, Im staaarving. Can we go to

chipotle? Jack: What? Bro, there are chicks waiting for us at the bar. Chicks! Nick: But Chipotle! Jack: Girls! Nick: CHIPOTLE!!! Jack: Fine! They walk to Chipotle. Jack: So we got our food and were about to head out. But then Nick did the most atrocious thing one can do. Turns Bro! What are you doing! Nick: Im just getting a soda! Chillaaaax. Jack: Nick! Thats a water cup! You cant put soda in a water cup! Nick: You fo real right now? Dude, its the new rage. All the kids are doing it these days. Jack: Alright, but dont tell me I didnt warn you. NICK PUTS SODA IN A WATER CUP! *GASP* Allison (interjecting): Wait, he put soda in a water cup? Jack: Yeah. Allison: Wow, who even does that? Jack: I know, right? So, back to the story. Nick: See? Told you. Everythings gonna beChipotle manager bursts in and starts talking in rapid-fire angry spanish. Nick: Um... More spanish

Nick: Look, I have no idea what youre saying... Even more spanish. Nick: nooo haaabloooo spanishooo Even more! Nick: No comprehendo, bitcho! CM: Alright, thats it! Police bursts in. Police: Let me see your hands, fucker! Drop the illegally soda-infused watercup! Jack: So while my friend was being harassed, I saw herDenise? Debra: Debra. Jack: Debra! Right. Your mom. Angelic choir sounds Allison (interjecting): And it was love at first sight? Jack: Well, almost. We were both lonely and desperate. Debra: So, youre the friend of that guy, huh? Motions to Nick, whos still being beat up by the police. Jack: Yeah. Debra: Well he deserves it. I mean, who puts soda in a water cup? Jack: Thats what I was saying! Debra: So, anyway, youre not too atrocious. Want to go get drunk and do something I know Ill regret in the morning? Jack: Woo! they high-five Jack (while walking back to the bedroom): And so Allison, thats the story of how I met your mother. Allison is fast asleep. Jack smiles. Debra walks in.

Debra: Gosh, I was wondering what was taking you so long. Jack: Oh, shit, Im sorry, I didnt mean to wake her up but there she was and then sheDebra (soap operatic): Made you tell her stories, right? Jack: Yeah. Debra: She does that sometimes. I guess it helps her cope, not having a father and all. Beat Jack: Shes a special girl you know. Really. Smart for her age, great sense of humor. Turning to Debra. And with your help, I think shell turn out just fine. Debra: Well Jack, thats an awfully kind thing to say. They smile at each other. Beat. Debra: So I made a tort downstairs. But (seductively) anyideasof what you want to do right now? Jack (knowing smile): I know exactly what I want to do. Debra: And what exactly would that be? Jack: Take a piss! FINALLY! WOOHOO! He runs offstage. Debra sighs. Debra: Well Nick, youre up. Nick pops up from behind something and they walk together offstage. Curtain!