Insights Insights

How Church Leaders Can Have A Positive Confrontation Conversation How Church Leaders Can Have A Positive Confrontation Conversation
By Insights By Jay Jay Mitchell Mitchell

Im
so
frustrated
with
Jack.
Ive
been
paying
him Im
so
frustrated
with
Jack.
Ive
been
paying
him a
salary
to
deliver
on
this
project
and
not
only
has How Church Leaders Can Have A Positive Confrontation Conversation a
salary
to
deliver
on
this
project
and
not
only
has he
not
delivered,
I
havent
seen
anything
that
tells he
not
delivered,
I
havent
seen
anything
that
tells By Jay Mitchell me
hes
even
working
on
it.
Its
driving
me
crazy! me
hes
even
working
on
it.
Its
driving
me
crazy! Im
so
frustrated
with
Jack.
Ive
been
paying
him I was I was sitting sitting across across the the table table from from a a senior senior leader leader a
salary
to
deliver
on
this
project
and
not
only
has for our weekly coaching appointment. The for our weekly coaching appointment. The he
not
delivered,
I
havent
seen
anything
that
tells organization had organization had been been growing growing steadily steadily over over the the me
hes
even
working
on
it.
Its
driving
me
crazy! past year and things really seemed to be moving past year and things really seemed to be moving in the right but this frustration I was across the table from a senior leader in the sitting right direction, direction, but this leaders leaders frustration of key had a of for with over last our weekly coaching with one one of his his key employees employees had become become a regular regular part part of our our conversations conversations over the theappointment. last month. month. The organization had been growing steadily over the So I asked him, So
what
did
he
say
when
you
talked
to
him
about
the
ways
he
is
not
meeting
your So I asked him, So
what
did
he
say
when
you
talked
to
him
about
the
ways
he
is
not
meeting
your past year and things really seemed to be moving expectations? expectations? in the right direction, but this leaders frustration with onea Looking of his embarrassed, key employees had become a regular part of our conversations over the last month. Looking a little little embarrassed, he he said, said, I
havent
talked
to
him
about
it
yet. I
havent
talked
to
him
about
it
yet. So I asked him, So
what
did
he
say
when
you
talked
to
him
about
the
ways
he
is
not
meeting
your I I dont dont know know many many people people who who look look forward forward to to having having hard hard conversations. conversations. Whether Whether its its with with other other church church expectations? leaders, a boss, spouse, child, or friend, confrontation does not come naturally to most of us. Many leaders, a boss, spouse, child, or friend, confrontation does not come naturally to most of us. Many church church leaders avoid it whenever possible. leaders whenever possible. Looking avoid a littleitembarrassed, he said, I
havent
talked
to
him
about
it
yet. However, great church leaders understand the need for healthy confrontation and the tremendous opportunity for However, great church leaders the for healthy confrontation and the tremendous opportunity for I dont know many people who understand look forward to need having hard conversations. Whether its with other church growth that a well-managed confrontation affords. growth that a well-managed confrontation affords. leaders, a boss, spouse, child, or friend, confrontation does not come naturally to most of us. Many church leaders If youve avoid it wheneverhaving possible. If youve been been putting putting off off having a a hard hard conversation, conversation, here here are are some some simple simple steps steps that that you you can can take take to to make make it it a a little easier. little easier. However, great church leaders understand the need for healthy confrontation and the tremendous opportunity for growth 1. Make thatPlan. a well-managed confrontation affords. 1. Make a a Plan. If youve Before been putting off having a hard a conversation, here are some simple steps that you can take to make it a Before you you have have the the conversation, conversation, take take a moment moment to to think think through through what what you you want want to to say, say, how how you you want want to to say say it, it, and what your desired outcome will be. Write down how you would like the conversation to go. little what easier. and your desired outcome will be. Write down how you would like the conversation to go. When When and and where where will will it it take take place? place? 1. Make a Plan. What What are are the the issues issues that that need need to to be be addressed? addressed? How will you address those issues? How will address those issues? Before you you have the conversation, take a moment to think through what you want to say, how you want to say it, your desired desired outcome What is outcome? and what your will What is your desired outcome? be. Write down how you would like the conversation to go. What are some ways the conversation might get derailed, and what will you do if that happens? When and where will it take place? What are some ways the conversation might get derailed, and what will you do if that happens? How will you know the conversation achieved its Whatwill are you the know issuesthe that need to be achieved addressed? How conversation its desired desired outcome? outcome?

How will you address those issues? 2. Take responsibility to initiate 2. Take is responsibility initiate the the conversation. conversation. What your desired to outcome?

 What are some Remember, its up ways to you the to conversation take the first might step get in having derailed, thatand hard what conversation. will you do Ifif you that wait happens? for the other person Remember, its up to you to take the first step in having that hard conversation. If you wait for the other person How will you know the conversation achieved its desired outcome? or or group group to to come come to to you, you, the the conversation conversation will will probably probably never never happen happen and and youll youll just just get get more more frustrated frustrated and and angry while you wait. They may not even be aware that there is an issue at all. Make a call or send them angry while you wait. They may not even be aware that there is an issue at all. Make a call or send them an an 2. Take responsibility to initiate the conversation. email asking for some face time to discuss a few things. email asking for some face time to discuss a few things. Remember, its up to you to take the first step in having that hard conversation. If you wait for the other person Never use email as a substitute for a face-to-face conversation or at least a voice-to-voice conversation on the Never use substitute for a face-to-face conversation or at least voice-to-voice conversation the or group toemail comeas to a you, the conversation will probably never happen and a youll just get more frustrated on and phone. Email is too impersonal, and it is far too easily misunderstood. Your tone should be positive and upbeat, phone. Email is too impersonal, it is far easily misunderstood. Your tone should be or positive and upbeat, angry while you wait. They may and not even be too aware that there is an issue at all. Make a call send them an but be sure to let them know that the issues you want to discuss are very important. but be sure to let them know that the issues you want to discuss are very important. email asking for some face time to discuss a few things. 3. Set the 3. Set use the tone. tone. Never email as a substitute for a face-to-face conversation or at least a voice-to-voice conversation on the phone. Email is too impersonal, and it is far too easily misunderstood. Your tone should beinformation positive and upbeat, There There is is a a difference difference between between negative negative information information and and negative negative communication. communication. Negative Negative information is is simply simply but be sure that to let them know that the issues you want to discuss are very important. information someone doesnt like, and its just an unavoidable part of life. Negative communication is information that someone doesnt like, and its just an unavoidable part of life. Negative communication is delivering the information in a way that ends up leaving people feeling angry, hurt, or defensive. When you have delivering information in a way that ends up leaving people feeling angry, hurt, or defensive. When you have 3. Set the the tone. a hard conversation, a hard conversation, the the goal goal is is to to deliver deliver the the negative negative information information using using positive positive communication, communication, leaving leaving people people feeling encouraged , challenged, and motivated toward the desired outcome. The tone of the conversation There a difference negative information and negative communication. information is simply feelingis encouraged , between challenged, and motivated toward the desired outcome. TheNegative tone of the conversation should positive, honest, and hopeful. Avoid or condescension information that someone doesnt like, and its just an unavoidable part life. Negative in communication is direct should be be straightforward, straightforward, positive, honest, and hopeful. Avoid anger anger or of condescension in your your voice. voice. Be Be direct and honest, but calm and positive. delivering the information in a way that ends up leaving people feeling angry, hurt, or defensive. When you have and honest, but calm and positive. a hard conversation, the goal is to deliver the negative information using positive communication, leaving people 4. Affirm the the and desired outcome. 4. Affirm the person, person, the relationship, relationship, and the thetoward desired outcome. feeling encouraged , challenged, and motivated the desired outcome. The tone of the conversation should An example be straightforward, positive, honest, and hopeful. Avoid anger or condescension in your voice. Be direct An example of of what what my my friend friend might might use use when when he he has has that that hard hard conversation conversation with with his his employee employee is is this: this: Jack,
I Jack,
I and honest, but calm and positive. have
appreciated
having
you
on
the
team.
You
work
hard,
and
I
value
our
working
relationship.
I
have
some
issues have
appreciated
having
you
on
the
team.
You
work
hard,
and
I
value
our
working
relationship.
I
have
some
issues I
need
to
discuss
with
you
which
may
be
difficult
to
work
through.
But
I
am
really
hopeful
that
not
only
will
we I
need
to
discuss
with
you
which
may
be
difficult
to
work
through.
But
I
am
really
hopeful
that
not
only
will
we 4. Affirm the person, the relationship, and the desired outcome. understand
each
other
better,
we
will
both
be
more
effective
in
accomplishing
our
goals
as
we
build
this understand
each
other
better,
we
will
both
be
more
effective
in
accomplishing
our
goals
as
we
build
this company.
its important say only that which is true in your affirmation. go overboard, but An exampleObviously, of what my friend might to use when he has that hard conversation with his Dont employee is this: Jack,
I company.
Obviously, its important to say only that which is true in your affirmation. Dont go overboard, but find have
appreciated
having
you
on
the
team.
You
work
hard,
and
I
value
our
working
relationship.
I
have
some
issues find something something you you can can affirm affirm as as you you get get started started and and as as you you paint paint the the picture picture of of the the desired desired outcome. outcome. I
need
to
discuss
with
you
which
may
be
difficult
to
work
through.
But
I
am
really
hopeful
that
not
only
will
we 5. Be specific and dont get sidetracked. 5. Be specific and dont get sidetracked. understand
each
other
better,
we
will
both
be
more
effective
in
accomplishing
our
goals
as
we
build
this company.
Clarity about Obviously, the issue its is critical. important to say only that which is true in your affirmation. Dont go overboard, but Clarity about the issue is critical. find something you can affirm as you get started and as you paint the picture of the desired outcome. Whats Whats the the problem, problem, and and how how is is it it negatively negatively impacting impacting the the organization? organization? How is it affecting you personally? is it affecting you personally? 5.How Be specific and dont get sidetracked. What exactly isnt working? What exactly isnt working? has performance Clarity about issue is critical. Where Where has the the persons persons performance failed failed to to meet meet your your expectations? expectations? This, This, of of course, course, assumes assumes that that the the expectations they have failed to meet have been made clear to them. You might want to ask them to explain Whats the problem, and how is it negatively impacting the organization? expectations they have failed to meet have been made clear to them. You might want to ask them to explain to to you how they perceive the expectations and clarify them if they arent clear. How is they it affecting you personally? you how perceive the expectations and clarify them if they arent clear. What you that exactly isnt know working? How How will will you both both know that the the issues issues are are getting getting resolved? resolved? Where has the persons performance failed to meet your expectations? This, of course, assumes that the Its important stay on in conversation. They may want to roll a laundry list of their own complaints Its important they stay have on track track in the the conversation. They may want roll out out laundry listto ofask their ownto complaints expectations failed to meet have been made clear to to them. Youamight want them explain to about you, your leadership style, or company culture. Dont get sidetracked. Say something like this: Those about you, your leadership style, or company culture. Dont get sidetracked. Say something like this: Those you how they perceive the expectations and clarify them if they arent clear. may
be
important
issues
for
us
to
talk
about
in
another
conversation.
Right
now,
I
want
to
be
sure
we
get
deal may
be
important
issues
for
us
to
talk
about
in
another
conversation.
Right
now,
I
want
to
be
sure
we
get
deal How will you both know that the issues are getting resolved? with
this
particular
issue.
with
this
particular
issue.

Its important stay on track in the conversation. They may want to roll out a laundry list of their own complaints 6. Set a to revisit conversation. 6. Set you, a time time to leadership revisit the the style, conversation. about your or company culture. Dont get sidetracked. Say something like this: Those may
be
important
issues
for
us
to
talk
about
in
another
conversation.
Right
now,
I
want
to
be
sure
we
get
deal There is no magic conversation that solves all the problems in a relationship. Be sure to let them know that you There is no magic conversation that solves all the problems in a relationship. Be sure to let them know that you with
this
particular
issue.
value value the the relationship relationship and and you you are are looking looking forward forward to to continuing continuing the the conversation conversation over over time. time. 6. Set Set a timea to revisit the conversation. Set a a time time in in a week week or or two two to to revisit revisit the the conversation. conversation. Take Take note note of of progress progress thats thats been been made made and and address address any any other lingering issues during the follow up conversation. Once they get up the courage to have the hard other issues during the follow up conversation. Once they get up the courage to have the hard There lingering is no magic conversation that solves all the problems in a relationship. Be sure to let them know that you conversation, many church leaders are so relieved to have done it that they never go back to be sure that the conversation, many church leaders are so forward relievedto tocontinuing have donethe it that they never go back value the relationship and you are looking conversation over time. to be sure that the original issues have been fully addressed. Setting a time to revisit the conversation not original issues have been fully addressed. Setting a time to revisit the conversation not only only normalizes normalizes this this kind kind of but demonstrates that are to and interested in the Set a time in a week or two to revisit the really conversation. Take note of progress thats been made and address any of interaction interaction but demonstrates that you you really are committed committed to growth growth and are are interested in making making the relationship work over time. other lingering issues relationship work overduring time. the follow up conversation. Once they get up the courage to have the hard conversation, many church leaders are so relieved to have done it that they never go back to be sure that the There is no such thing as an easy confrontational conversation. But if you follow these simple steps, those hard There isissues no such thing as an easy confrontational Butthe if you follow these steps, those original have been fully addressed. Settingconversation. a time to revisit conversation notsimple only normalizes thishard kind conversations can yield remarkable growth in your organization and in your leadership skills. conversations can yield remarkable growth in your organization and in your leadership skills. of interaction but demonstrates that you really are committed to growth and are interested in making the relationship work over time. What
tips
do
you
have
for
church
leaders
who
are
facing
a
confrontational
conversation? What
tips
do
you
have
for
church
leaders
who
are
facing
a
confrontational
conversation?