ISSN 2041-7780 Issue 17

Jun/Jul 12 3.50

Choice
Health & Wellbeing
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20 Business Support

Why do we
communicate in the way we do?
I often come across people who have difficulty expressing themselves clearly due to their fear of hurting peoples feelings. The reality is that we cant get anywhere in life unless we are able to communicate effectively.
ets face it, communication is something we do every day. Despite communicating on a daily basis, communicating effectively with each other in relationships does not always come naturally!

What is a communication?
Depending on who we ask, the answer may vary. Let's start with the most basic definition of communication. Straight from Wikipedia! Communication is the activity of conveying

information. This leads us to a question. How do we communicate that information? Following research, Professor Albert Mehrabian who has pioneered the understanding of communications, stated that there are basically three elements of any face-to-face communication: words, tone of voice and nonverbal behaviour. Only 7 per cent of our message comes through the words we use, 38 per cent comes through our tone of voice, and 55 per cent comes through our body language.

Studies show that we spend our communication time in the following ways
writing 9% reading 16% talking 30% listening 45%

Why do we communicate?
According to Professor Dalton Kehoe, Ph.D., of York University, in his lecture, Effective Communication Skills, we communicate to satisfy our three basic human needs which are: Discovering ourselves Building relationships with other people Influencing others This means that communicating effectively conveys who we are, enables us to build solid relationships, and influences the success of our friendships, romantic life and encounters. But what happens when we fail to communicate effectively? It is a well-known fact that almost everything we want, but dont currently have, will come from someone else. For instance, some people fail to get hired because they lack effective communication skills; others are rejected because they cannot develop deep relationships, while others cannot guarantee a loan because of their lack of influence over others. Studies show that when we use our communication skills properly, we become more productive, happier and less stressed.

Why do we communicate in the way we do?

Someone once said that to become a better communicator we need to know more about the people with whom we are communicating and we need to blame them less. This leads to a study

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Business Support 21
Style
Passive

Goals
Want to be liked. Want everybody to be happy, even if its at your own expense. Seek to preserve your relationship at all costs. Dont want to stir up distressing feelings in others, so keep silent about your own needs. Want to be right. Are afraid of being taken advantage of. Can be quick to blame. Often speak impulsively without considering the situation Want to express your anger while still being seen as a nice person. Question your right to be angry. Fear your angry feelings will damage your relationship. Want to create mutual respect. Feel you have a right to all your feelings. Care about others, but dont let that caring prevent you from expressing yourself in an appropriate way. difficulty expressing yourself clearly without leaving other people feeling defensive. DAVID J. LIEBERMAN, Ph.D. in his book, Get Anyone to Do Anything, suggested that The first rule of effective debate, argument, or heated conversation is to never, ever get defensive. The minute you begin to defend yourself against an accusation, you've lost... When you do this, you are giving credence to what has been said and you're arguing with your back against the wall.

Here are a couple of suggestions about effective communication:

Ask questions. When people feel defensive, they dont give us useful information unless we can engage them in a way that reduces their urge to defend themselves. The best way to do this is by asking questions which encourage them to tell their side of the story. Listen actively. This is the only form of communication that helps solve problems and it enhances relationships. Its called active listening because you have to be active internally and externally. When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention, listen behind their words to see what they are really talking about. Dont intervene or comment, just observe and learn. After all, that is the point of effective communication.
Reference LIEBERMAN, DAVID J. Ph.D., Get Anyone to Do Anything p. 149 Mininni, Dr. Darlene The Emotional Toolkit: How to Cope with What Life Throws at You. p.81 CHW

Attacking

Passive-Aggressive

Effective

conducted by Dr Darlene MiNiNNI. In her book, The Emotional Toolkit How to Cope with What Life Throws at You, she suggests that there are four basic styles and goals in communication which are Passive, Attacking, Passive-Aggressive and Effective. Sometimes people will use a combination of these styles depending on the situation. For instance, if you are a passive communicator, you will likely have a hard time bringing up distressing subjects if you fear they could hurt someones feelings. On the other hand, if you are an attacking communicator, you will probably have

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