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Journal of School Social Work

Volume IX Issue 09

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A National School Social Work monthly dedicated to networking of parents and teachers.

February 2013 Contents

Page

Editorial Prof Alagarsamy A The Bottomline is Firmness Dr Jayaraman K ODD? Be Even-handed! Rayadurgam Narasimham Where There is A Guilt... Prof Visvesvaran P K Manipulation: Good, Bad and the Ugly Mohan V Redeeming the Blackmailer Gnanasekar M Other Children Matter Too! Shanmugham K

02 03 07 12 13 17 25

Focus for March 2013 Power Struggle

HSE: Dr Vijayalakshmi V VIT University PINCODE: Thanking you, Yours truly,

Honorary Special Editor: Prof Alagarsamy A, MA,BL, MPhil,

Head, Department of Social Work, Sri Krishna Arts and Science College, Coimbatore.

Focus: Blackmailing Children

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Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

01

Editorial Holding Parents to Ransom Times are turning very difficult for throwing temper tantrums and acting the common man. Both husband and out. Some children even go to the wife have to earn to make both ends extent of being abusive, violent, meet. This creates very many destructive and take it out on their problems in the family front especially parents by doing socially in nurturing the children. Actually the inappropriate acts such as staying out, concept of blackmailing was started running away or stealing. by the parents themselves as they Children use emotional feed their wards. When the infant blackmailing to get their needs refuses food, parents give in to the (however trivial or unrealistic they may demands of the infants by going out be) met, to assert their power, to defy to the open. The child learns to authority and sometimes for the heck coerce the parent into total of it. In families where the children submission by crying and refusing to maniulate their parents, it is pathetic eat unless taken out. When they to note the constant fear in which the begin to get whatever they want from elders live. There is a total role their parents, they just repeat such reversal. The dependents call the behaviour. shots and the care-givers dance to According to psychoanalysts and their tune. psychotherapists, emotional Parents feel that they have no blackmail is a kind of psychological option but to give in to the demands manipulation. If somebody you love of the children for saving their face and/ or respect or work for uses their (social grace) or to maintain the family emotions to coerce, compel or force prestige. They seldom realise that you to do something that benefits remedy is available and can also be them against your desire or will it is home-spun. All it requires for the emotional blackmail. Emotional parents is to be consistent with their blackmailing is taking undue expectations and maintain their advantage of anothers weaknesses stance come what may. When the for ones own personal or child is calm and approachable they professional gain. should educate the child instead of Children manipulate their parents ordering or confronting. It is a by being very good (not consistently paradigm shift from insecurity to but till their needs are met), or by learning coping skills. 02 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

The Bottomline is Firmness

Dr Jayaraman K*

*Dr Jayaraman K, Principal, Angel Group of Schools, Thirunindravur, Thiruvallur

Introduction: children to compensate for our own Children learn to control their submission elsewhere? Are we parents at a very early age. intolerant of others views? Do we Manipulation can come in many lack a backbone to resist intimidation forms, not only in the shape of long enough? negative outbursts, screaming or Suggestions to resist destruction. Children learn that intimidation: picking a fight is useful sometimes Our own inability to come to terms and acting sick comes handy too. with the reality may sometimes Playing dumb works, charm works, hamper our handling of children. So and threats also work. Parents have we have to modify our expectations to be cautious of the cycle of to suit the changing times. We may manipulative behaviour. Children consider certain acts abnormal always try and retry. Parents have to because we never used them in our be always cautious or else will be early days. But time has changed! easily manipulated by the children to We know to control but lack the ability do what they never intended to do. to follow it through. Hence the Sometimes children go to the extent following suggestions for parents to of provoking a violent response from handle any tricky situation: the adults knowing fully well that the Expect rebellion: guilt produced in the adult can be A child is not going to accept your worked to their advantage. An No when it hears it first. It is not like analysis of a childs behaviour will good old days when the child will also help us understand our own simply accept the words of the elders strengths and weaknesses. Do we and say Thank you. Persuasion will find it difficult to jettison our early probably follow instead. Dont be childhood scars? Do we impose our scared. However annoying and parents parenting style or shower on unpleasant it may be, its what most children what we wanted to possess children do nowadays. They are so and could not in our youth? Are we good at arguing that our elders when anxiety-ridden to prevent childrens they watch them talk may encourage activities? Do we try to control by saying, Oh! a budding advocate. Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 03

How well he argues! We expect that you are firm. All your child is compliance as parents, but dont be listening for is whether or not your surprised if you dont get it. The decision still stands. If you continue expectation prepares us for all the the conversation, all it will be about tricks children will play. However time is him trying to get you to change your consuming it is, learn to voice your no to a yes. So dont attempt to get ruling and stick to it. When children your child to understand and accept learn that arguments dont win, there your decision. As far as hes will be lesser court scenes at home. concerned, any no is totally unfair. It is normal: Simply saying no and stating your Its important to understand that decision with a short, clear position your childs attempt to change our is sufficient. You cant make him give mind and say yes is normal. When in and wholeheartedly accept your parents realize hes not doing it no. Teens, as already stated, are because of some terrible pathology very good lawyers. They push or evil inside him, it will help us stay parents into a defensive position. calm and deal with the behaviour The teenager feels justified in giving without entering into shouting parents a hard time because after all, matches. Rather than reacting to their they are being a pain by not giving coaxing with panic or worry, the him what he wanted. parents would do well to think well Be clear and direct: ahead and if it is logical and Saying No is not sufficient. It comfortable the decision has to be should be said with conviction and enforced firmly. Giving in to childs strength. No roll backs please. Once demands in order to escape his a parent rolls back his decision, the tantrums will only convince him that child will quote that as precedent and manipulation works. expect the same everytime and the Explanation is worse than action: No becomes notional. Do not to let Once a no is said, any attempt the child push you into changing your to justify it will not matter. The child is mind. Learn to say no with some not going to be convinced of your strength behind it when you mean it. decision. The child will only linger Otherwise a pattern of emotional on and whimper to test whether you blackmail can result. Your child has are likely to change your mind and learned that being relentless works; he will keep trying until he realizes if his relentlessness still hasnt gotten 04 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

him what he wants, in his mind it means Arguing, in any way, will only add fuel that he should be more relentless to the fire. Holding onto yourself with until hes successful. He will never your no, despite what your child see anything wrong with his behaviour does, communicates something because its what hes used to. The important: No matter what you do, I greatest danger is that hell be in will not lose myself. No matter how charge instead of you. So say no, long you carry on, I will not give in. state your reason, make it short and And, thats final. to the point, and walk away. The Self-analysis helps: parent is not running away from the Do you tend to be too rigid? Have situation but avoiding the challenge you become negativistic and and consequences. unreasonable? Do you think you Silence helps too: make it particularly difficult for your If your child is asking you for child to get anything other than a no something you have some flexibility from you? Are you in any way on, you might listen to his argument contributing to his need to manipulate as long as hes respectful. If it you to get anything for himself? Take seems reasonable to you, you might a close look and see if youre doing decide to change your no to a yes. any of these things with your child, However, if you dont change your and if your behaviours are mind or dont want to, only discuss it contributing to your child learning with him to a certain point. Stop giving ineffective ways to handle himself. him your counterpoints and Help your child learn to be able to disengage. Youll know when its effectively come to you and negotiate time for you to stop when you feel for what he wants and then to accept the early signs of your aggression the limits of no as well. Change rising like increased heart beat, what is in your control to change. face becoming flushed, and when It is never too late to change: you start having tremors. Pay As a Principal the author had attention to this, swiftly end the several complaints from parents that conversation and be calm. How do their son was throwing temper you disengage when your child does tantrums when young and now not? Dont say another word. Walk breaking things at house, threatening into another room or out of the house people and bad-mouthing. In other if your child is old enough; ride it out. words, what to do if the child is Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 05

already an emotional manipulator? Though its going to be difficult to change a pattern thats already in place, especially with a teen, its certainly not impossible. When parents start to take a different position they should expect the typical escalation of violence that comes before he stops the behaviour. Once again a firm and consistent No is the only solution. When the children fight harder the parents should maintain a firmer stand. Its worked in the past, so they naturally think they can get parents bend to their will. But parents have to do whatever it takes to hold on and not give in. For any parent whos trying to stop child manipulation, the guiding principle might be, I want my child to learn to accept limits in life, or, I want my child to learn that he cant have everything he wants. Go for long-term goals: Children choose the right time to turn their manipulation on: when the parent is busy, when there is an important visitor, when the parents are watching their favourite programme because most people are likely to yield at these vulnerable moments.
References: Alan Rushton and Helen Minnis (2009): Rutters Child and Adolescence Psychiatry, chapter 32, fifth edition, 487-501. Cardona JF (2012): Potentials and Consequences of Abandonment in PreschoolAge: Neuropsychological Findings In Institutionalized Children.Behav Neurol. Feb 15.

Picking short-term relief is understandablemany times thats the choice people will make because they just have to get on with the day. But if they want to stop being manipulated, they have to focus on long-term gain rather than on shortterm relief. If changing manipulative behaviour and developing childs character are of prime importance, parents have to try and act firm when the child is testing the limits. It can be ignoring the child at that time or taking the child aside and telling firmly that such behaviour will not be tolerated. Conclusion: Let us remember that with older children, we are consultants, not managers. When he reaches our own shoulders height, he is our friend as the Tamil adage goes. Being firm with well thought-out decisions can be done with kindness, respect, openness and understanding. Child is our partner-in-progress and so think of being on his side and relating to him side-by-side, rather than opposing even when youre setting limits, holding the line and being firm.

ODD? Be Even-Handed!

Rayadurgam Narasimham* *Rayadurgam Narasimham, Consultant, Vocational Rehabilitation and Livelihood Programmes, Chennai

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Introduction: From that moment on, we have to Parents need lots of strength and manage his morning to get him to the oodles of patience to bring up bus stop. He longs for friends but children, even the so called normal seems unwilling to learn the social children. When normal children skills we try to teach. These are the demand a lot of attention and common complaints from parents of patience, children with ODD, children diagnosed with ODD. How Oppositional Defiant Disorder, require does a parent stop the arguments with more resilience, determination and a child whose primary way of strength. Suresh is a very strong- communicating is arguing? James willed person, is an obvious Lehman (2010) says: A day with a understatement. Mahesh is child who has Oppositional Defiant manipulative, and he learned at a very Disorder is a series of battles in an young age how to make that work for undeclared war. It starts when they him to get what he wanted. The wake up, continues at breakfast, simplest things always seem to turn intensifies when they have to get into huge problems because Ramesh dressed, and doesnt end until they simply refuses to do what he is asked fight with you over bedtime. to do, whether it was brushing his The why of defiance: teeth at age five, or keeping the room Children with ODD lose their clean at age 15. The word no lights temper quickly and often. Theyre his fuse, especially when in response easily annoyed and frustrated by to something he wants to do. Hes other people are resentful and hostile always doing these irritating things, as with adults, dominating and ordering if he enjoys bothering us. Getting around other children. They blame out of bed in the morning is the issue everyone else for their difficulties and around which Gunalan and his parents make excuses for their inability to argue the most. Weve had the worst cope. They make friends with time in the world getting him up in the negative peers and tend to be sulking morning and take bath. I know this is and angry adolescents. unbelievable, but he gets in the Unrestricted free time is a shower, and goes back to sleep. Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 07

breeding ground for aggressive is not the primary issue. Rather, they behaviour for these children. In an are dealing with continuous, low-level unstructured environment, they defiance that is not aggressive, but become annoying, threatening or is aggravating, annoying and destructive to children around them disruptive to the family. Whether the and to adult authority figures. They defiance has turned into a diagnosis will use this time to deliberately of ODD or has not, the parents antagonize anyone they see as in approach should be the same. charge. Faulty approach: As a parent, it is difficult to satisfy Most parents lack the tools to a child with ODD, since their thinking deal with oppositional defiance. So is irrational. They clamour for total they generally respond to this attention and then tell parents to leave behaviour with a range of responses them alone. The sad truth is, children that includes negotiating, bargaining, with ODD arent very likeable. giving in, threatening and screaming. Parents often feel guilty about the fact The problem is when the parents that they love their children, but dont scream, argue or negotiate, they are like being around them. giving their childs defiance even Mounting guilt: more power. Everyone from the Parents get blamed for their school counsellor to mother-in-law childs oppositional behaviour by will tell what this child needs is everyone around and tend to heap structure. But no one really shows even more blame on themselves. you what kind of structure and how to The parent of a child with ODD often put it in place. Its not as simple as feels incompetent and isolated. giving the child a time out. A child They live with the self-imposed with ODD wont use the time out to shame that other people think theyre change his thinking. Hell use it to bad parents, and that humiliation plot revenge. Parents need to grows larger as their world gets change their parenting style and smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional method of operation with the child. Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct Explain the consequences: Disorder, a more serious pathology Children with ODD need structure that is a precursor for anti-social with an aggressive training behaviour and criminality. component that is built around Of course, for many parents, ODD learning how to solve the problems 08 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

that trigger their defiant behaviours. needs of this child. Parent has to The child becomes oppositional become a trainer and coach. when he is confronted with a problem Avoid power struggles: and he cant find a way around. The Pick your battles with your child problem can be anything from not carefully and win the ones you pick. wanting to get up in the morning to Many times you can win fights with not wanting to do homework. this child by not arguing back. When Screaming at the child to get out of you argue, his resistance gets bed wont work. You need to show stronger. Instead of arguing, set the child that he has a problem that limits in a businesslike way and has to be solved and address it as expect compliance. Be firm and such. Clearly explain the problem consistent. Have a plan ready for logically. The focus of treatment managing your childs behaviour. should be on developing compliance When youre going to a hotel, know and coping skills, not primarily on what youll do when he acts out on self-esteem or personality. ODD is the way. Its important to lay out the not a self-esteem issue; its a rules ahead of time, when things are problem-solving issue. Theres no calm. For instance, before you go evidence that self-esteem leads to to the hotel, tell the child, If you dont compliance, and emotions are not, control yourself now I am going to in and of themselves, a way to simply stand here without moving. I children to cope with their problems. am not going to talk to you. When Children get self-esteem by doing you lose it in the car, it becomes things that are hard for them. dangerous for me and for everyone Children with ODD need a lot of strong because its distracting. Youll have praise and support as well as realistic five minutes to control your behaviour. rewards. They dont benefit from a If, after five minutes, you have not pat on the back for doing something regained control of yourself, then thats easy for them to do. They were not going to the hotel. We go should be praised for doing things back home. Have a plan youll use that are challenging to them. Dont if he throws a tantrum in the store or if create false situations for which to he acts out at a family gathering. And praise them to make them feel be willing to follow through on the plan better. Parents need to learn several until the child learns defiance doesnt different parenting styles that meet the get him what he wants. Parents Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 09

dealing with ODD need a powerful (postponing beyond limit), TV not mix of determination and strength. It switched off at designated time (the is possible to have a child with ODD show wasnt over) and not keeping and a peaceful home as well. The his room clean (anyway it will become key is to decide: Course for the horse messy again). Everything is a or horse for the course? Its not struggle. The school social worker practical or effective to try to change instructed the parents and when he the world for the sake of a child. But was calmly explained by the mother by setting limits consistently, of the consequences for coming late concisely and clearly, the child learns he was furious and hit the ceiling. to cope with the world and succeed Parents as instructed walked away. in it. He followed mother wherever she Firm rule works: went and threatened to leave anyway. A boy of nine has ODD. His father He was calmly told that the Child Line went abroad nine months ago and he (1098) will be approached and he will lives with his mother. He has become be reported as a runaway child. It even more non co-operative and would be repeated any number of aggressive with his mother. times if he refuses to stay at home. Everything mother asks him to do is He badgered and cajoled and met with either a No or negotiation mother walked away. In the end he or incentives for doing it. If she tries stayed at home. This successful to impose consequences he says he resolution of one problem made the can do anything since he has free mother feel empowered to move on will which creates more tension. A with other problems one by one. firm and consistent rule in the family Warning signs: is reinforced by kindness and nonNot all children are aggressive. hostile approach. It can work with 16 Some, like Anita (name changed) year-old boys also. Parents accept exhibit social anxiety and shyness. all the conditions laid to them by their They become withdrawn and son in order to buy peace at home. depressed with times of It does not work. He had several unpredictable ODD behaviour. She problems such as cutting classes became sad and withdrawn, grades (and denying it), staying out with fell, and over 8th and 9th grade there friends beyond the time set for was a change in the type of friends returning, refusing to do his chores she chose. Through forcing her to 10 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

stay at home and taking away the phone, encouraging her to participate in anything of interest, parents continued to struggle to get her to conform to their expectations to attend school, to obtain good grades, be pleasant at home, set goals for herself and be happy. Medication did not work because she refused to take. So, the parents sought the advice of a school social worker who suggested behaviour management of the problem. Now Anita has changed in the sense that though sad and depressed she continued to go to school and her marks also improved. Handling children with problem consistently and with kind acceptance helps them to resolve their problems. A flexible approach and acceptance of the child as he/ she is an indispensable requirement. Labelling: While diagnosis is not necessary for parents (they treat it as labeling the child), it is helpful to describe the cluster of behaviours. Psychoeducation is sometimes helpful to understand what course the disorder will take and what precautions one should follow.

Parents of such children are angry, frustrated and disappointed by educational and mental health systems that can label children but cant seem to help them or their families deal with the attendant behaviours. Labels are shorthand attempts to describe certain behaviours. As long as the child is dealt with and not a label, parents will stay focused. These labels are useful to quickly communicate amongst care providers what behaviours they are dealing with. Conclusion: Living with oppositional children is very challenging. Parents get exhausted taking care of these children round-the-clock. Parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder appear to wage a war with their children constantly. Sometimes they overload children with lots of explanation instead of clearing their doubts. Any explanation given should be consistent, concise and clear. Let us understand the futility of preparing the course for the horse. If the parents understand the child and make the child cope with his/ her problem, the horse is ready for the course, however tough and rough it may be.

References: http://www.ehow.com/how_4563114_recognize-handle-emotional-blackmail.html http://www.therapeuticresources.com/ http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/emotional_blackmail.htm

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Where There is A Guilt

Visvesvaran P K*
*Prof Visvesvaran P K, Honorary editorial consultant, JSSW

Manipulation: Good, Bad and the Ugly

Mohan V*

*Mohan V, Former Social Welfare Officer, Inst. of Mental Health, Chennai

Introduction: They say where there is a secret there is always a sin, soon or later. And secrets are fertile grounds for blackmailing. The implications of this fact will be examined in this short write-up. No secret life: Parents and, in fact all members of a family should avoid leading a secret life, known to themselves. The father, for example, may have an affair with a maid. The mother may be fond of gossiping about neighbours and her own in-laws. The father may be guilty of indiscretion in his office. A brother may be taking drugs. A sister may cut classes and romp about with a boy-friend. All these acts become grounds for blackmailing by someone or the other parents against children and vice-versa and sibling vs. sibling. Parents should know that there is no substitute for an upright and

honest life. Occasionally errors may be committed, but parents should make it clear that their policy is that to err is human, but if one sincerely regrets his or her guilt and wont do it again, they are instantly free of all guilt. No blackmailin our home will be tolerated and no snide references to things of the past. Gandhi has confessed to his indiscretions, and he is still considered a Mahatma, the great soul. Conclusion: Blackmailing degrades the personality of the blackmailer much more than the victims. Children should be encouraged to report such events to the parents for remedial action. Parents themselves should not use memories of past events to humiliate or hurt their children. If you dont blackmail your own children, the chances are they themselves will eschew this deadly weapon.

JSSW Throws Its Net Wide

Beginning next month JSSW will publish articles of general interest with social science content along with the ones on school social work. The latter, however will be given precedence. Evidence-based research articles are invited from scholars and researchers. ~Ed. 12 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

Introduction: for the child, and thats where it gets Children always manipulate to get dangerous for parents. When children things done because of their position are wrestling with their parents for of dependence on elders. Some power and control over things, the forms of manipulation by children are child does things that are harmless and appreciated. For inappropriate, and the parents do example, if a child wants to go for an things that are ineffective. The child excursion and if she does all the work talks abusively or throws a fit, which at home, extra charming to parents that is an undesirable way to get what he week and if shes getting good wants, and the parent backs down or grades theres no reason for parents gives in, which is an ineffective to refuse permission. The display of response. Case study # 1: charm is sweet, harmless and Ram Gopal a 10th standard student appropriate. On the other hand, the charm can says that he is going out in the be used inappropriately when a child evening and his mother tells him, No, had previously promised a lot but your homeworks not done, so you turned untrustworthy and tries to cant go out until its done, and the manipulate his parents by being boys voice gets louder as he resists, overly sweet and compliant in order and his tone gets harsher. It may to get the chance to watch his appear as though it were anger, favourite TV serial. frustration or an inability to handle Identification of threats: stress on the part of the boy. But its The real problem with manipulation really a sign that he is trying to is when kids use behavioural threats manipulate the situation( and mother) to intimidate parents. In this type of through illegitimate power. In his situation, the child declares a war. mind, being harsher and louder will Give me my way or face my wrath. work to his advantage. The boy is In other words, If I dont get my way, making a power thrustan attempt to Im going to make trouble for you. In use some form of behavioural or verbal this situation, the manipulation abuse to get his way. Its like an becomes a power and control game emotional sword in his hand and he Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 13

thrusts it at mother. behaviour. This is manipulation that Faulty ways to handle: is designed to make parents back If mother says, Be careful. I will down. Usually when children exhibit tell your father, she admits her inability aggressive behaviour, it is on the to control him. He will go out and after strength of their past victories. Most his return plead with his mother to parents know the approaching storm. protect him from his strict fathers So when it comes the discussion harsh punishment. This will continue about going out is over. Now the every day. If the mother gives in discussion is, You have to manage because he bawls out at her she is your voice and your behaviour. Thats clearly intimidated into submission. when the parent should walk away and The boy has momentarily won and has say, Well talk about this when you learnt a pattern of behaviour to calm down. intimidate others by shouting at them Plan B: at school, in the playground or in Another appropriate response in public places until he meets his match this situation is to ask the child, without another bully. hostility, Are you trying to intimidate The right way: me? Basically, parents are asking Whenever a child uses a power the child, Are you trying to bully me thrust to get his way, parents need to right now? But remember, if the tone be very careful about how they is hostile, it will appear like a challenge respond. First of all, parents need to the child, and the intention is not to not give in and they cannot negotiate escalate a conflict. It is a good while the child is in that state of mind. question to defuse the situation. The If the child raises his voice when he message is direct. The childs hears the word no or yells at parents, behaviour is one of bullying and they have to firmly say: Were not inappropriate. It makes him even going to talk about this if youre understand the agony mother is raising your voice. Were not even experiencing. The boy understands going to talk about this if youre starting that blackmailing is the issue now and to threaten me. If he grumbles and not going out. If he says, Yes. I am murmurs on the way to his room or on trying to bully you the response from the way to do his chore, thats not a mother should be, Well, thats not power thrust because it is not an going to help you solve your intimidating or a threatening problem. If he says thats not what Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 14

hes doing, then tell him to please assignments arent done promptly, the lower his voice. Here, the child is child cant start watching TV or play given a decision tree that focuses the video games or go out until that conversation on the new problem, the homeworks done. Even if the child real problem. The fact is that he is acts overly sweet, or shouts or bawls shouting to gain power and control. out, parents have to decide what the The new issue is not whether or not plan is and follow it through. There he is going out. The new issue is he can be no excuse to get out of doing is trying to intimidate mother, and it homework. Both tactics are wont help him to get what he wanted. manipulative and they should be dealt A word of caution at this juncture is with in the same way. The necessary. The manipulative child manipulative child can be managed may lower the voice and ask for the only if both parents have common permission to go out. Now, the real values as well as common plan. The struggle is going out. The mother most damaging situation could arise should be firm and say that going out when one of the parents gives in and is restricted and ruled out until the says, Let him play just once. Let us home work is done. Sometimes the not be overly strict. Then the children weak mother may allow the forbidden learn that they will be let off the hook if act in her momentary sense of victory they cry, whine, plead, resist, act out, of controlling the tone of the boy. or simply lay on the charm. Be Divide and rule: consistent. Another form of manipulation Speak in one voice: children use is to split their parents. Children observe their parents all Theyll go to the parent whom they the time. They know that their parents think is the weakest link or the one have more power than they do. So who has wavered in the past. That is they learn quickly which parent can be how they gain power. Thats why manipulated and how much it will take parents have to be very coordinated to get that parent to give in. Some in what they value and what their parents will give in when the child decisions are. If both parents agree applies a little more charm and that homework for the day has to be warmth. Other parents give in when done before the child could enjoy his the child lashes out, screams and gets favourite pastime, and if the school abusive. The child knows what it report says that the childs takes to make parents back down. Its Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 15

the childs responsibility to negotiate with the parents in an appropriate way. When parents disagree, they have to handle it privately. If the consequences change, they should be modified by the parent who acted, so that the parents remain empowered. Case study # 2: Murugan, a 14 year old boy, wanted expensive shoes to gain popularity among his group of friends. He desperately needed them. No from father is intolerable and appears unfair to him. The boy pleads, argues, sulks, debates, and rages in a desperate attempt to get what he wants. Submission to parents will is no more in vogue. In the earlier decades most parents used violent means to enforce it. This parenting style does not lead to good long-term connection, trust and security and can easily cause serious rebellion. Parents were firm that new pair of shoes is out of question. When Murugan knew that they wont relent, he tried to extract a promise from father that he will get the covetted prize for better grades consistently from then on. Father accepted. Problem
References: Ben-Itzchak E,Zachor DA (2007): The Effects of Intellectual Functioning and Autism Severity on Outcome of Early Behavioral Intervention for Children with Autism. Research in Developmental Disabilities. 2007; Vol 28(3): 287-303.

was solved. Conclusion: Good persuasion skills can work effectively in life. Once parents say no, most children will persist and try to persuade and convince to go with what they want. And, in the course of this discussion, perhaps parent will even be persuaded to say yes. It is not manipulation. They simply have had a change of heart due the logical argument. That ability to persuade and negotiate in a healthy, respectful way is a good thingand its a helpful skill for the child to learn. But what differentiates persuasion from emotional blackmail is how long the child persistsand how intense this insistence becomes. There are children whose sole intention is to try to manipulate parents into giving them the answer they want, even if it means making them suffer with their behaviour. These children have learned a dangerous lessonthat their emotional blackmail works. That is an ugly situation. Children seldom realize that their momentary win may embolden them to persist in their wrong ways. Parents should not let this happen.

Redeeming the Blackmailer

Gnanasekar M*

*Gnanasekar M, Ph D Scholar in Education, Alagappa University and PG Teacher, St Gabriels Higher Secondary School, Chennai.

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Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK

February 2013

Introduction: fears about their child being able to Children are the apple of the eyes make it in life actually will cause some of their parents. Parents invest a lot parents to think that they have to give in their children. So when children in more; they become a buffer for their behave in a manner that makes children when mastering life skills parents worry about their health, seems difficult for their child. Many education, future and above all their times the blame is put on the parents. psychological stability, parents are It is much easier to raise a normal naturally frightened. When a child child which is much easier shouts, throws things, injures himself compared to raising a child with or others, turns violent and emotional and behavioural problems. destructive parents are scared. They When they give in the child learns to are very cautious in his presence lest manipulate parents and the other their word or action trigger his violent members in the family. Following are reaction. So to speak, they walk some measures to save the other gingerly in his presence and talk in sibling and also to teach coping skills whispers. There are times when to the manipulative child. they just feel like a prisoner in their The pattern starts: own home. The reference is not Toddlers learn to respond with a about the psychiatrically diagnosed no and start resisting parents. They ill children but about those who attend try to assert their individuality from regular schools and are otherwise parents. Anger is shown by throwing considered normal for all intents and temper tantrums. When the frustration purposes. All parents experience tolerance is low, they yell, cry and fear for their children. One is, whether whimper. Some parents learn that the child will learn all skills needed those tantrums have to be ignored, to live a comfortable life. The other but others begin to worry too early fear is whether the child will learn the that theyre not able to manage their necessary moral accomplishments to child or that they are not in control. lead a healthy life. Sometimes these Blackmailing as such starts when the two fears are actually tied together parents are afraid of acting-out Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 17

behaviour and are literally held Immediately the adults surrender. hostage. They tire easily and often They may immediately accept the accept inappropriate demands to buy demand or bargain with the child for peace. All they have to do is be firm good behaviour. and allow the emotional outburst to Unconscious process: play itself out. No one knows consciously that a The young child learns that his pattern is evolving until it is fully behaviour gives him power and gets formed. However, later they realize him what he wants. When the tantrum that they have been tricked into happens in public, the parent feels surrendering by their childs embarrassed, humiliated and behaviour. The tiny tot outgrows the ashamed. When it happens in adults in the area of control. The child private, they feel stuck in this negative learns from that lesson that when cycle with their child: theyre alone in parents cant handle something, hell the house and their child is screaming, get what he wants. So he sets up yelling and kicking. Their life seems situations that parents cant handle. crazy and out of control, but they dont Children, like all living things, learn know how to stop it without meeting to take the easy way out. The baton the demand of their child. of power has changed hands. These children soon learn to Parents cannot remain inactive blackmail their parents with the threat saying that the tantrum will change of throwing a tantrum. Parents start when the child grows. When expecting with dread the beginning something yields a rich dividend who of emotional outburst that starts with will give it up voluntarily? So, the child a shrill cry or stomping on the ground continues to use inappropriate or banging on the door. Once the behaviour to get his way. That child exhibits it, parents automatically pattern of behaviour may continue on raise their hands in exasperation. through adolescence and into young Once that happens, a very serious adulthood. pattern has begun. Now the child Spills to school: has actually trained the parent to give The same strategy of in to their demands, no matter what. inappropriate behaviour is tried out If the child knows he can control at school also. After all, if their adults by behaving inappropriately or parents can be intimidated, why destructively, he exhibits these cues. shouldnt it work on their teachers, 18 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

too? In kindergarten and first grade if behaviour, hes not learning the they dont get their way they may problem-solving skills that he escalate. They may shout, cry, call desperately needs to learn to be people names, throw things on the able to make it in life. If everyone floor and walk around in the around him is backing down, all hes classroom instead of sitting down. learning is how to threaten and Most of the children learn appropriate intimidate others through fear. The social behaviour in the presence of child who started controlling others the teachers. But those children by crying and throwing temper having learning disability or other tantrums gradually becomes a bully factors like anxious or guilty parents and later a tyrant! are found to exhibit more Continues at home: inappropriate behaviours. Inappropriate behaviour is not just It is a well known fact that children the problem of the parents. It affects with specific learning disabilities or the other siblings adversely. The physical problems consider being in other children if younger are scared the classroom a stressful situation. and start hiding or avoiding the Instead of learning to get things done blackmailer. If the blackmailer is through social skills such as younger, the older sibling may wait negotiation, bargaining, bartering, for an appropriate time to show his sharing and patiently waiting for their anger in the absence of the adults. turns, they grab, pinch, fight, exhibit Whatever happens, the personality of impatience and solve their problems the other siblings is not the same by acting out. If the teacher is nave, again. It can have a great and longshe may even plead with other lasting influence on other children children to give up so that the personalities. These children classroom will be manageable. suppress their feelings and may These blackmailers send out a clear develop anxiety disorders, signal: Agree with me or face my psychosomatic illnesses or stress wrath. It can become their strategy related disorders. They may even for solving all problems. They do feel insecure and unsafe. After all, this in school, at home, and on the their sibling could explode and take bus and as long as it works, they will it out on them at any given moment continue to use it. Not only is the and parents who are supposed to child controlling others with his restore order do nothing or paralyzed Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 19

mentally to remain inactive. So, the did not resist, he said any resistance blackmailer, the other sibling and the would have resulted in violence and adults around have to work together with a sharp weapon in hand anything to solve the problem of emotional untoward will happen. End result will hijacking to bring a semblance of be bloodshed. Hence, the parent truce in the family. silently suffered humiliation. As they Behavioural change: get older, the intimidation becomes The parenting style cannot be more real. There are children who changed overnight. The enslaved hit and push their parents. There are mind cannot liberate itself with will children who intentionally break and power alone. As the childs behaviour damage things around the house. is fuelled and nurtured by the giving- There are children who hit their in attitude of the parents, the siblings or hurt them emotionally by behaviour modification should be calling them foul names. attempted not only for the child but Erosion of authority: also for the adults. If crying and When the parents feel helpless the throwing temper tantrum is accepted training by the child is complete. now, later on the same child may Parents are afraid of him. They will throw the geometry box and later on back out and remain silent and he can a javelin at his parents! Most children have his way. The parental authority escalate; its a natural progression. is slowly but surely reducing day-byThey have to be more intimidating. day. The child has become a A 5 year old child may roll on the floor monster and he walks in anytime and and cry. But a 13 year old wont lie walks out anytime. Home is but a on the floor but may try to floor his free lodge for him without any parents. Shouting, banging on the responsibility. Until they are wall, throwing things on floor and confronted and corrected, they think threatening to burn things are the that they are right and are free to other intimidating tactics they use. behave in whichever way pleases Author knows of an adolescent who them. took a pair of scissors and removed The way out: the moustache of his father One cant overcome fear but deliberately and calmly. The boy was reacting to the fear is definitely in not under the influence of any drug. ones own control. Even though When the father was asked why he parents might have fears about their 20 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

childs acting-out behaviour, they execute coupled with the troop to have to learn how to deal with those fight. The child who made parents thoughts and feelings so that children understand that he is to be respected dont dictate parents behaviour. had to be made to understand that Even in the face of an oncoming he has to respect the parents tantrum, parents should be firm. intentions. The battle lines are drawn. People seldom master their fears. The blackmailer is on one side and Consistently enforcing the rules and the parents are on the other side. fixing responsibility will in the long run Things will turn out to be better only pay rich dividends. However, it is after the bitterest test period. The not going to be an easy task. The child will test the limits repeatedly and child who had been enjoying only when he realizes that the immense power is not going to let changes are for real and parents go that easily. Initially there will be mean to stick to them, the behaviour rebellion and a struggle. In a game will gradually change. It may of tug-of-war the person who holds resurface at times but when handled on to the rope wins. Similarly, the firmly the child understand the rules child who does not expect any control and consequences. feels that he has to do a little extra Explain procedure: tantrum to win. So the child attempts Parents have to tell the child that to increase the tantrum. The training he is too old to throw tantrums. So, role has to be taken over from the in future if he throws tantrum, he will child. Parents have to remain calm be allowed to continue shouting but and consistent until the child gives he will not get what he wants. The in. Some children learn to treat consequences are to be clearly parents respectfully. Others, through explained too. Once the no fault of their own, allow their consequences are completed, the children to act out, intimidate, bully routine will follow. So, the child and blackmail. understands that crying will not get Here are some of the important the toy or the chocolate. Yelling and rules I taught parents who were afraid screaming will not get the jeans pant of setting off their child: or the permission to go out. Instead, Lay down rules: the pocket money (if any) will be A war is won only when there a reduced or the privilege to see TV clear-cut goal and a strategy to will be curtailed. Parents should Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 21

clearly explain whether or not the behaviour will only reinforce. child understands. Even if the young Argument, negotiation and reasoning child does not understand initially, out will only result in final giving-in. parents have a clear-cut rule to follow. Any talk will resume only after the There is no confusion or wringing tantrum or inappropriate behaviour is hands in desperation. If the child stopped by the child. Remaining does understand it, then he knows calm and distant during the childs what to expect. When parents acting out is most important. In the consistently tell their young children initial stages, until the child learns what will happen, the tantrums often about the seriousness of intention of diminish in frequency and intensity as the parents, it may prolong for the child grows older. With older considerable time. But slowly when children, talking to them in this way the child realizes that his tantrums will lets them know that parents are the not be helpful, acting out time will authority nowand that they are not reduce. going to surrender to their acting out Talk out: anymore. After your child has had a tantrum The consequences: or behavioural episode, its a good It is preferable to anticipate trouble time to have a little talk with him about and explain the consequences ahead what hes going to do differently next of time. The child should know time. The child should be made to beforehand that any inappropriate express what he tried to accomplish behaviour will be ignored. Parents and how he will do next time. It gives have to move a few feet away and the child fuel to think of the alternatives stand unconcerned. They may like, I can ask politely, or As mother explain to the passersby that it a made things clear to me beforehand treatment procedure and ask them I can also ask before starting from not to interfere. The relatives have home what I require. These are the to be kept away too from supporting most important questions parents can or chastising. The operant ask because they lead to the child to conditioning works like magic. Ignore learn how to develop other options. the bad behaviour and appreciate the Problem solving is after all doing good behaviour only. The bad things differently. But questions like behaviour is slowly extinguished. How did you feel? or Why did you Responding in any manner to the bad do that? dont help anybody in any 22 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

manner. It only makes the child feel loves the parents, he wouldnt do emotionally tense about the situation. anything to embarrass them in public. It fans anger and frustration. It may Wont he? It is another power pill a even trigger some revenge reaction blackmailer has. Love for parents is in future. The child has learned an instinctual. A firm reply such as , important life-skill of problem solving. Love or hate is not important now. Ignore others: Completion of your home work is the Most of us worried about what task in front of you, will set things other people around will think of us. right. The child cannot be allowed to Ignore the judgment of other people. use the weapon of love to intimidate They will mind their own business if the parents. you signal them that it is intentional Develop a support system: and their interference is not welcome. The parents may sometimes need When the parents learn to ignore some outside help when dealing with people around, the child understands this issue. The support system can that only he is making a fool of be training, effective parenting himself by being unreasonable. He classes, books, counselling, or a also understands that parents will not support group of parents having move a millimeter to appease him. similar problems with their children. When the bow is lifted with the arrow, The support system enhances the the archer sees only the target. skills of parents and clarifies issues. Likewise, parents who are out to It can also help them stay objective correct their childrens behaviour and focused. should not be swayed by the Seek help: possible comments by the As a last resort Child Line (1098) bystanders. Effective parenting and and the law enforcers can be teaching social skills are more approached if the situation demands. important than social criticism. If the child is behaving criminally, the Get rid of guilt: sooner he is introduced into the Many parents are afraid of losing juvenile justice system, the better. the love of their children. They are The child will eventually get a afraid that he will say the much probation officer who will then have loathed, I dont love you. I hate you. the power to hold him more You are a tyrant. You are a dictator. accountable than the parent can. In Isnt love reciprocal? If the child really India, the probation officer has a Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 23

different kind of reactive responsibilities and not proactive roles of regulating the attendance of the child. When the law enforcers are brought in, children abroad, started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behaviour changed because there was an accountability system in place that didnt let them slide. Conclusion: Problems which were allowed to grow over years cannot be changed overnight. Anything nipped in the bud is easy to get rid of. Blackmailing children who had been enjoying power of intimidation will not surrender
References: Biji M (2006): Parental Practices and Its Effect on Academic Stress and Mental Health, Indian Psychological Researches, Volume50 (2) page 75 to 78 Dwairy, Marwan (2004): Parenting Styles and Mental Health of Gifted Adolescents, Gifted Child Quarterly, Volume 48(4) page 275-261Nanda A (2001): Mental Health of High School Students A Comparative Study. Indian psychological Review vol-56 No: 1to 4 page 23 to28 Paras Chandra Biswas (2001): Mental Health among Middle Class Children, Indian psychological review, Volume 10, 11, 12, 1992, Page- 21-28) Agarval R and Agarwal R(2006): Mental Health of Students A Challenge in 21st Century, Indian Psychological Review, Vol 62,63 2006, Page 50-56) Zhang, Jingsi; Zhang, Xiuqin; (1999): A Comparative Study of the Mental Health Status between Private and Public Middle-School Students. Chinese Mental Health Journal, Vol 13(4), Page. 237. Ledingham, Jane; Crombie, Gail (1988): Promoting the Mental Health of Children and Youth: A Critical Review of Recent Literature. Canadas Mental Health, Vol 36 (1), Page 9-17 http://www.squidoo.com/emotional-blackmail http://www.ehow.com/how_4563114_recognize-handle-emotional-blackmail.html

their power that easily. They will go to any length to provoke situations of powerlessness. However, constant vigil, consistent handling, clear consequences and the will to enforce them will contain the problem and gradually reduce the intensity. One fine morning before the parents realize the change, the neighbours will notice. No family is perfect and no parent had any special schooling on parenting. But, in the long run, families change and these children learn other reasonable and appropriate coping skills. There are no problem children. There are only children with problems. Let us help them resolve their problems.

Other Children Matter Too!

Shanmugham K*

*Shanmugham K Former Social Welfare Officer, Tamil Nadu Slum Clearance Board and Government Institute of Mental Health

24

Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK

February 2013

Introduction: know when their things will be thrown All are equal. But, some are more or torn or destroyed. They feel equal. It is a truism applicable not insecure and parents too are only to the political circle but also to confused and appear powerless. the family circle. Parents give equal Something hurtful can happen attention to all their children but some anytime. It can be a verbal assault get more attention because of or physical. It can be nagging or it preference or conditions that require can be a shower of blows. Sudden special care. Some children snatch shouting also distracts them from their attention forcibly and they are the studies. emotional blackmailers. They grab Often, acting out children choose all the attention from parents and their siblings as target to attack and sometimes do things to force the establish their power. It gives them parents to act as per their whims and a sense of superiority to say mean fancy. It leaves the other siblings in or abusive things or to hurt their the family attention starved. Apart siblings. They like that feeling of from lack of attention the other sibling power, so they do it over and over may live in a state of perpetual fear again. Several things happen in the and terror. The blackmailer usually mind of a child who lives with this kind hits the soft target first and invariably of trauma. it is the younger sibling. In the The result of trauma: absence of parental control the other First, the siblings of acting out sibling goes into hiding or withdraws children get used to witness or keeps his emotion to himself and outbursts, and it has a negative effect suffers silently. on them in the long run. Repeated Trauma of the other sibling: plea from their parents to tolerate or Children who live with the adjust with the deviant sibling makes chronically defiant and ever-opposing the other sibling accept inequality as child grow in an environment of a way of life and they consider that constant threat. They dont know what as their lot. The other sibling may will befall them and when. They dont increasingly become silent and Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 25

From Date: Principal/ Librarian, To Subscription Division, Journal of School Social Work, 8 (New 14), Sridevi Colony, 7th Avenue, Ashok Nagar, Chennai 600083 PIN: Past Subscription no: Sir, Sub: Renewal/ New Subscription reg. Please find enclosed a crossed DD drawn in favour of JOURNAL OF SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK for Rs 1200.00 (5 years subscription) Rs 2400 (10 years subscription) Rs 3600.00 (Patron subscription 15 years) payable at Chennai Service Branch. Details of DD: No: dated drawn on The Journal may please be sent to the following address:

From Date: Principal/ Librarian, To Subscription Division, Journal of School Social Work, 8 (New 14), Sridevi Colony, 7th Avenue, Ashok Nagar, Chennai 600083 PIN: Past Subscription no: Sir, Sub: Renewal/ New Subscription reg. Please find enclosed a crossed DD drawn in favour of JOURNAL OF SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK for Rs 1200.00 (5 years subscription) Rs 2400 (10 years subscription) Rs 3600.00 (Patron subscription 15 years) payable at Chennai Service Branch. Details of DD: No: dated drawn on The Journal may please be sent to the following address:

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Journal of School Social Work has a current account (A/C no: 409201010035051) in Ashok Nagar, Chennai branch of Union Bank of India (IFSC Code: UBINO540927.) Subscription can be directly remitted from ANY BANK, anywhere in India.

Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK

February 2013

Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

withdrawn. He may avoid taking food is rare. An adaptive response to too when the manipulative child uses trauma means avoidance of anxiety dinner time to throw his weight and hyper arousalin other words, around. These are people who grow watching out for trouble, listening very up willing to accept higher levels of carefully to catch wind of tension, abuse in their marriages and their always remaining on high alert for friendships. They become hostility so that they can avoid the desensitized to disrespect and situation before it turns ugly. A healthy abuse. They become numb to how adaptive system will be to choose it really feels to be called a name. activities that will keep him engaged They tolerate higher levels of and legitimize his continued absence disrespect and abuse in other areas from home, like extra classes or of their life once they become adults. NCC/ Scout activities or membership Their ability to be assertive also in school science club. diminishes. Safety plan: The other end of the spectrum: Any emergency requires a safety On the other hand they can copy plan. The family members have to the behaviour of the deviant child too sit together and talk about helping the and retaliate violently when the deviant child control his behaviour. opportunity presents itself. The They have to learn to assert affected sibling may develop higher themselves. The acting out bully or levels of attention-seeking the manipulative child has learned a behaviour. For example, a child who wrong method for solving his withdraws at home to escape a problems. He shouts, becomes calamitous situation at home shows violent and aggressive to cover up his adaptive response in school by his own inadequacies. Unfortunately hiding out. He doesnt raise his many families try to cover up his hand. He doesnt get involved in acting out in the initial stages by group activities. He uses an justifying his action in the presence avoidance adaptation in school that of outsiders. The bullies create a makes him stand out as if theres situation to avoid groups, people and something socially wrong with him, situations they cant manage. Instead and its how hes adapted at home. of learning assertiveness which is a Some children will act out even more necessary social skill they create than the hostile sibling, although this unpleasantness by their aggression. 26 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

Firstly, accept that there is whos really in control, and they something wrong with the deviant identify the acting out child as the child. Secondly, without degrading person in charge. As the defiant child him, discuss with him to find acquires more power, the siblings alternatives to his aggression. challenge him less and give in to him Thirdly, confront him and dont cringe more. However, if a parent does tell in case of aggressive display. a child, Stop that. Its not Fourthly, stop covering up or justify acceptable and turns around and his action by saying, He is a good walks away, and the child bad mouths boy but because of his illness he the parent, the siblings dont see behaves like this. He loves his him as powerful; they see him as brother. But only when he is frustrated weak and old-fashioned. Thats the he hits him. He feels sorry for his important thing. If the parent holds action later. He respects father. But the child with the behaviour problem only when he is in that mood, he accountable and takes away his abuses him. power, the siblings see the parent Accountability: as in control and see the child as out Setting the limit making the defiant of control. Most important, the parent child adhere to his limits is the only reduces the environment of trauma way to ensure the safety of the other for the siblings. Instead of wondering sibling. Violence is not to be tolerated when the pain and chaos will erupt at any cost. A firm No violence at next, they will know the parent is in home policy will ensure lesser control and nothing will erupt. brawls and bloodshed. In the long Action plan: run it would prove beneficial to the The family members can meet in deviant child who may have to the absence of the deviant child and depend on the other sibling for his the parents can explain the concept sustenance. Parents can be of setting limits, consequences and effectively prevented from setting what to do in case of non-compliance limits by the defiant blackmailer when by the offending child. Strategies like he firmly says that he would not listen. leaving him out, ignoring him until he In order to avoid confrontation or behaves, moving away to avoid him embarrassment inevitably, parents can be worked out earlier. This helps stop setting the limits. The result is the other child to understand that the other children in the family wonder parents care equally and the extra Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 27

attention they appear to give to the always uses the technique he knows blackmailing children is an attempt to so well. More often media escalates bring him around. When parents set violence and a recent study reveals up this structure, the siblings have a that watching violent programmes in plan for what to do when this child TV and violent video games starts to be aggressive. When they increases the aggression of children know what to do, it reduces their manifold. Hence media had to be feeling of panic and helps them to monitored too. Avoid praising ease the trauma. Remember that violence in TV or video games. trauma comes from not feeling that Close the door on violence in every you have any control over the way possible. situation. If the children have a plan Healthy role model: for what to do, then its not traumatizing Children watch parents all the time because they have some control. and they prefer imitation of action than The situation may be annoying and adhering to verbal instructions. When frustrating for them, but its not the parent bawl out at each other, traumatizing. It improves family then bawling out is the norm in the communication and strengthens family. The person who shouts more relationship. is the leader. Zero tolerance to Handling negative emotions: violence alone can curb violence at Aggression gradually becomes home. Unless the parents restrain violence, especially when they face themselves from being violent, they a No and cannot tolerate it. When will be blamed for the aggression of they cannot defy the parents they take the child. If they resort to caning or it out on their younger siblings by spanking, that will readily be found punching, pinching or destroying his fault with by mental health things. They have to be taught the professionals and law-enforcers. alternate methods of expressing their Physical violence is illegal and frustration. It would do them good to punishable. When younger children learn that aggression gets them start hitting other children, biting, and nowhere. Violence is not going to kicking on a consistent basis to get solve their frustration. Finally, they what they want it is high time they are have to learn that there is no excuse taught social problem-solving skills for violence. However, since it paid they can use to replace violence. rich dividend earlier, the aggressor With younger children, a system of 28 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013

consequences and rewards used behaviours. consistently can be very helpful in Violence at school: curbing violence. Many children are Most of the time, the misbehavior under-socialized and need extra in school is dealt with in the school patience and teaching to learn the itself. But, its very important to find skills of negotiation, compromise and out from the school as much about conflict resolution. the situation. It would help find what Playing rough: triggers aggression in him and what Teasing or verbal taunting is alternative skills he has to learn to acceptable and parents should know contain the aggression. This will help when the teasing becomes abuse. parents decide home remedy for the Similarly rough play is tolerable but behaviour. Always setting limit not violence. The difference between works. If the child is violent or rough play and aggression is clear destructive in school, there have to when children finish their game. If one be consequences at home. Teach of the children is crying or shows problem-solving skills and link those marks of hurt, then the rough play had skills with privileges. He must learn crossed over to violence. If both the that all that the child enjoys, like children laugh after the game it means television, video, computer, or cell they were just playing rough and phone, should be linked to his or her toughening themselves. It is not violent or destructive behaviour that enough if the parents know the day in school. Unfortunately, many difference. The child should know children who are violent in school are that continuing to hurt ignoring the also violent at home. So parents other childs call for halt is may have trouble solving the aggression. Use of force to the problem. If this is the case, parents extent of making hurt marks, will need external help in the form of scratches and bleeding is violence. parental training or family therapy to Intentions cannot be taken into get the support they need. account. Only hurt counts. If the Law-enforcers: meanness of aggression is visible When the childs violence crosses from the facial expression, the rough over to criminality, such as vandalism play should be immediately stopped. and wanton destruction of property or Hold them accountable and give when it becomes unmanageable, them consequences for these seeking the help of child line (1098) Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013 29

or juvenile justice system becomes imperative. The police should be called when parents do not feel they can manage the violence or property destruction that is occurring in the home. Outside services such as the police or therapy or social services, will be needed when children reach the stage of violence. Getting the police involved and pressing charges for violent or destructive behaviour is a slow process before the child gets to court. In that time, if that child wants to demonstrate change, hell have plenty of opportunity. Sometimes this can
References: Eldevik S, Hastings RP, Hughes JC, Jahr E, Eikeseth S, Cross S. (2009): Meta-Analysis of Early Intensive Behavioral Intervention for Children with Autism. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. May 2009; Vol 38(3):439-450. Eldevik S, Hastings, RP, Jahr, E,Hughes, JC. (2012): Outcomes of Behavioral Intervention for Children with Autism in Mainstream Pre-School Settings. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. Feb 2012; Vol 42(2):210-220. Flanagan HE, PerryA, Freeman, NL. (2012): Effectiveness of Large-Scale CommunityBased Intensive Behavioral Intervention: A Waitlist Comparison Study Exploring Outcomes and Predictors. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders. April 2012; Vol 6(2):673-682. Green J et al. (2010): Parent-Mediated Communication-Focused Treatment in Children with Autism (PACT): A Randomized Controlled Trial. Lancet. 2010 Jun 19

mean that existing services which the family does not know are provided through the courts or social services. Conclusion: If wishes are horses, beggars can ride. Wishing for a change in the behaviour of the child is not sufficient. Parents have to relentlessly work towards it. When the home treatment is not sufficient or does not bear fruit, seeking outside help is indicated. It is not surrendering parental authority. It only shows that the child is unwilling to accept parental authority. There is no stigma in seeking the help of counsellors or law-enforcers.

From Date: Principal/ Librarian, To Subscription Division, Journal of School Social Work, 8 (New 14), Sridevi Colony, 7th Avenue, Ashok Nagar, Chennai 600083 PIN: Past Subscription no: Sir, Sub: Renewal/ New Subscription reg. Please find enclosed a crossed DD drawn in favour of JOURNAL OF SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK for Rs 1200.00 (5 years subscription) Rs 2400 (10 years subscription) Rs 3600.00 (Patron subscription 15 years) payable at Chennai Service Branch. Details of DD: No: dated drawn on The Journal may please be sent to the following address:

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From Date: Principal/ Librarian, To Subscription Division, Journal of School Social Work, 8 (New 14), Sridevi Colony, 7th Avenue, Ashok Nagar, Chennai 600083 PIN: Past Subscription no: Sir, Sub: Renewal/ New Subscription reg. Please find enclosed a crossed DD drawn in favour of JOURNAL OF SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK for Rs 1200.00 (5 years subscription) Rs 2400 (10 years subscription) Rs 3600.00 (Patron subscription 15 years) payable at Chennai Service Branch. Details of DD: No: dated drawn on The Journal may please be sent to the following address:

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Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK

February 2013

31

Published and owned by P. Jayachandran Naidu. Published from 8, Sridevi Colony, 7th Avenue, Ashok Nagar, Chennai 600083 and printed by T. Rajaguru at TRK Press, 39, Saidapet Road, Vadapalani, Chennai 600026. Editor: P. Jayachandran Naidu. 32 Journal of SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK February 2013