Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha OneSeven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land." Tower: "UA 563 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, two o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." Pilot (UA 563): "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?" Pilot: "Yes." Tower: "Yes what??" Pilot: "Yes, SIR!!"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Pilot (Eastern 702): "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern 702?" Pilot (Continental 635): "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern, and have already notified our caterers."

Pilot (KLM 242): "Good morning Zurich tower, KLM 242 requests start up and push back, please." Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours." Pilot (KLM 242): "Please confirm: two hour delay??" Tower: "Affirmative." Pilot (KLM 242): "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

Tower (to pilot after landing): "Just to let you know, on the approach you were a little bit left of the centerline." Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."

Pilot: "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo." Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, Bangor go ahead." Pilot: "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my ground speed?" Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, it all depends. If you're a hang glider, you're doing pretty well."

Pilot: "Tower, request permission to enter your control zone." Tower: "Negative." Pilot: "Tower, did you say 'negative'?" Tower: "Affirmative." Pilot: "Understood 'affirmative'. Will call when leaving zone."

Pilot (LH 876): "Request heading 110 to avoid." Tower: "To avoid what!?" Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."

Tower: GAF 269 you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation, read back.

Pilot (GAF 269): Roger, GAF 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and ... annnndd I need another pencil!!

Unknown Pilot (waiting in a very long takeoff queue): "I'm f**king bored." Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, please identify yourself immediately!!" Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid."

Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn right 20 degrees." Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 727?"

Lost Student Pilot: "Unknown airport with a Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

Tower: "You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles out." Pilot: "Can you please be more specific, we have digital watches!"

Tower: "You fly on for the 26 on approach, landing number 2 behind one DC-9 in the short." Pilot: "Understood, I fly for the 29, follows the DC-6".

Tower: "Not quite right. The landing strip was 26 and your traffic is a DC-9." Pilot: "Okay, I follow the DC-26 ... What was the landing strip again?"

Tower: "Kilo Mike Delta, are you proceeding to TGO?" Pilot: "Yes Sir, more or less." Tower: "In that case, proceed a little bit more to TGO!"

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence 737. Pilot (Cessna N1234): San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737. Tower: UA 1201, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172. Pilot (UA 1201): ... Uh, roger [giggling and laughter in the background]

Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Tower -- Cessna N2349 -- student pilot -- out of fuel!!" Tower: "Roger Cessna N2349'er, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?" Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain." Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing to flight level 100." Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain." Pilot: "... but four plus six equals ten??" Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar 'increase' to six thousand, no math required."

SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul tells of the following exchange: "One day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high, we were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. '90 knots,' Center replied. Moments later, a twin engine Beech requested the same. '120 knots,' Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, 'Dusty 52, 525 knots on the ground.' Then came another silent pause. Just as I was thinking to myself how ripe the situation was, I heard the crackle of our radio as Walt transmitted 'Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?' There was a longer than normal pause. 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,742 knots.' No further speed inquiries were made after that."

In another popular SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to flight level 600 (60,000 feet). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The SR-71 pilot responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it!"

Aircraft Service Requests and Responses

Problem as Reported: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Service Response: Evidence removed.

Problem as Reported: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Service Response: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem as Reported: Main tire on left inside almost needs replacement. Service Response: Left inside tire almost replaced.

Problem as Reported: No. 3 engine missing. Service Response: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem as Reported: Mouse in cockpit. Service Response: Cat installed.

Problem as Reported: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Service Response: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem as Reported: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. Service Response: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem as Reported: Something loose in cockpit. Service Response: Something tightened in cockpit. Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield. Service Response: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem as Reported: Aircraft acting funny. Service Response: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Problem as Reported: IFF inoperative. Service Response: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem as Reported: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild. Service Response: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

Problem as Reported: Suspected crack in windsheild. Service Response: Suspect you're right.

Problem as Reported: Three roaches in cabin. Service Response: One roach killed, one wounded, and the third is missing in action.

Problem as Reported: Radar hums. Service Response: Reprogrammed radar with words.

Problem as Reported: The autopilot doesn't. Service Response: It does now.

Problem as Reported: Pilot's clock inoperative. Service Response: Wound clock.

Problem as Reported: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. Service Response: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem as Reported: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds. Service Response: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem as Reported: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine. Service Response: Ran engine for two hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem as Reported: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like a midget with a little hammer. Service Response: Took little hammer away from the midget. Problem as Reported: Whining noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment. Service Response: Returned little hammer to midget in No. 2 engine.

Problem as Reported: Weather radar went ape. Service Response: Opened radar, let ape out.

Problem as Reported: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Service Response: Pilot removed from aircraft.