What is love?

Intra & Interpersonal Competencies

You must acquire information about what love is and then practice. Fromm (1956) Love is an art, just as living is. Wegscheider-Cruse (1988) Learning to love doesnt just happen if we meet the right person. We must proceed as if we want to learn a skill such as accounting.

What is love?
Besides knowledge, a necessary factor is priority. Fromm (1956) The master of love must be an ultimate concern. However, most people think: ~Love will conquer all. ~Sensation (Feel) of love was enough.
3 4

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Initiating
People become aware of each other in social settings and begin to establish rapport with each other. Relatively easy topics, weather, hobbies, movies, and other superficial issues are discussed.

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Idealizing
Initial evaluations occur based on perceptions of physical appearance, common interests, and personality. Similarity in attitudes and values assessed, but they are often biased by what people want to see.
5 6

Intensifying
Individuals begin to feel more comfortable with each other. Premium placed on spending more time with each other. Begin to do favors for each other, and generally help each other meet their needs to feel part of a relationship.

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Integrating
Perceptions change from you and me to we. Start to empathize each others concerns and lend a sympathetic ear to the problems that each has.
7 8

Bonding
Sexual intimacy occurs. Self-disclosure increases, and people begin to share their most intimate hopes, dreams, and fears with each other. Help each other to find solutions to issues in their lives.

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Bonding
Able to understand and appreciate areas where their attitudes and values are similar and different. Begin to share future goals that involve each other.
9 10

Bonding
Commitment and identity as a couple deepens. Appreciate each other more and are better able to accept each others limitations.

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Themes in the Early and Late Phases of Successful Relationships

Differentiating
Individual interests are explored, and they may spend less time doing things together. Do not rely as much on relationship for satisfaction in life.

Reaffirming
In spite of emerging differences in attitudes and interests, partners continue to trust each other and perceive their relationship as an important part of their lives. Discuss issues and work together to successfully perform long-term relationship roles, such as husband-wife, mother-father, grandparents
12

11

Obstacles to love and intimacy

1. Low self-esteem He is so handsome, but I am not pretty. Does he really love me? Am I being fooled? I am unlovable.

Physical separation? Difference in values and commitment? ????

13

14

Low self-esteem sets the stage for unhealthy behaviors:

Being manipulated. Insecurity and lack of trust. Likely be needy or demanding in the

Obstacles to love and intimacy

If I do not feel that I am lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me
(Branden, 1981)

relationship. Extreme negative reaction towards criticism. Feel unworthy of love.

Self-love is foundation of loving others and being loved.

15

16

Obstacles to love and intimacy

2. Extensive giving and addiction I was so in love with him that I forgot the things I wanted and focused only on what he wanted.

Obsessive () love. Feeling of subservience (), lack of

control.
Obsessive love has little to do with love

(Forward & Buck, 1991).

Self worth is dominantly built on the

relationship.

17

18

Obstacles to love and intimacy

Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional ) often

You may be involved in an abusive relationship if:

exist in this type of relationship.

The person assumes the right to control how you live and behave; You have given up important activities or people in your life in order to keep this person happy; The person devalues your opinions, your feelings, and your accomplishments; The person yells, threatens, or withdraws into angry silence when you displease him/her.

Women who are highly dependent on

their mates tend to suffer and tolerate more physical abuse (Wallace, 1996).

19

20

Obstacles to love and intimacy

3. Possessing unhealthy love schemas
A love schema is a mental model consisting

Obstacles to love and intimacy

Six Love Schemas (Hatfield & Rapson, 1996) Secure Comfortable with both closeness & independence. Clingy () Desires a high level of closeness and togetherness. Skittish Uneasy with closeness, will often run away from intimacy. 22

of expectation and attitudes about love.

21

Fickle () Never satisfied with the present relationship for

Obstacles to love and intimacy

4. Fear of risks All relationships involve risk. Why? Involve deep self-disclosure. Involve commitment.
Ships can be safe when stay in ports, but it is not what the ships are for!. In positive relationships the benefits of loving and being loved may far outweigh the pain and risk.
24

long.
Casual () Enjoys relationships, but doesnt want to be

committed.
Uninterested Simply is not interested in any relationship.

Which one represents your love schema now? Which one(s) is/are your obstacles to love?
23

Obstacles to love and intimacy

4. Fear of risks How to reduce the risk? Commit and invest slowly and gradually. Learn from past hurts. Keep self-esteem independent of relationship. With self-love you can separate the end of relationship from a rejection of self.
25 26

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's (1987) Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's (1987) 1. Intimacy The closeness in a relationship in which affection, sharing, communication, & support are present. Self-disclosure from one person causes return disclosure from another, in what is know as the reciprocity effect. Akin to deep friendship.
27 28

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's (1987) 2. Passion Physiological arousal and physical attraction. a hot, intense emotion. a state of profound longing for union with another. The needs for sexual and physical intimacy.

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's (1987) 3. Commitment Refer to our decision to love another person and to plan a long-term involvement with that person. Also implies accepting responsibility for another. Sternberg suggests that commitment requires action, a form of investment; we must put something into the relationship in order to get something out of it. 29

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's (1987)
Liking (intimacy) only) "WARM" Romantic love (Intimacy + passion) Consumate Love Companionate Love (Intimacy + Commitment)

Infatuation (Passion alone) "HOT"

30

Empty Love Fatuous Love (Passion + Commitment) (Commitment alone) "COLD"

Some characteristics of consummate love

1. Relationship growth
Healthy individuals grow in a positive direction so

do healthy relationships.
2. Fulfillment of needs
What are the needs in love??? Mutual satisfaction of needs based on open and

honest communication and commitment.

31 32

Some characteristics of consummate love

3. Behaviors of love
Is this behavior represent love or fear, anger

Your Action
Examine any love relationship in terms of the

various elements
If some dimensions are missing, express this

etc?
Do I feel loved? Do I feel affirmed? Intimate love enhances self-esteem Do I express my love to my lover?

to your partner. The more open and honest, the greater the possibility of achieving a satisfying relationship.

33

34

Sexual Fulfillment
Sex is good for mental and physical health. Sexual satisfaction is related to marital

Sexual myths
1. Love = Sex 2. Passion and sex is important in the

satisfaction. Healthy sex is built up on a mutual, responsible and healthy relationship. Not the reverse!!! i.e. sex does not make a problematic relationship become healthy. It just makes it even worse.
35 36

maintenance of relationship.
3. Males enjoy sexual relationship more.

Premarital sex? Is it good/ok?

Love = sex ? How to say NO ? Different levels of physical intimacy Clear and definite baseline

Please Make Responsible Decisions on Sex!

Visit the Family Planning Association of Hong Kong (FPAHK) for more information: http://www.famplan.org.hk/

37

38

Protections in Sexual Fulfillment

There are things you should consider

The Pre-Sex Checklist (Boskey, 2009)

Do I really want to have sex with this person or am I choosing to have sex

before you have sex with a new partner for the first time.

39

with them for some other reason? (pressure, guilt, boredom, alcohol, etc.) Do I have the materials I need to have safe sex? (Condoms, dental dams, lube, etc.) What will I do if having sex with this person leads to pregnancy, and, if pregnancy is an unacceptable outcome, what can I do to avoid it? (Contraception, avoidance of vaginal intercourse, using the morning-after pill in the event of a contraceptive failure, etc.) What will I feel like if this sexual encounter leads to Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)? Will I be happy with the decision I am making when I wake up tomorrow morning?

What to do after a break up

(Albo, 2011; Ashworth, 2011)
1. Realize That It's Over~ Until you accept this, you can't start 5.

What to do after a break up (Albo, 2011; Ashworth, 2011)

Force Yourself to Snap Out of It~ Push sad thoughts of your head and replace them with happy ones. There's no use dwelling on all the sad stuff forever. 6. Make a Change~ Make a fun change: give yourself a makeover, get into a new hobby, join a new after-school activity or redecorate your room. It may make you feel happy and give you a big burst of confidence. 7. Let Time Go By~ Time really does heal all wounds. The pain you're feeling now won't last forever, even if it feels like it will.

healing. 2. Get Sad~ You're allowed to give yourself a couple of days to mope around and cry. Tear up some love notes, sob to your friends, and write some poems (just don't publish anything online - you'll regret it later). 3. Leave Your Ex Alone~ You both need a little time apart from each other, or else you'll never stop hurting. In a couple of months, you might be ready to try out a friendship, but for now, try to avoid all contact. 4. Keep Yourself Busy~ Hang out with your friends and family, play some sports, hit the gym or dig into your favorite hobbies. It'll make you feel good and get your mind off of the breakup.
41 42

(Source: Albo, 2011; Ashworth, 2011.)

Ending Relationships
Keep your self-esteem independent of the

relationship. Let go!

Why Do You Want to Marry?

43

44

The Motivation to Marry

Desire to participate in socially sanctioned,

Gender & Mate Selection Preferences

Similarities include importance of kindness,

intimate relationship. Social pressure on people to marry.

emotional stability, dependability, pleasant disposition. Differences tend to be nearly universal across culture. Women place higher value on socioeconomic status, intelligence, character, ambition, financial prospects. Men place more emphasis on youthfulness, physical attractiveness, interest in raising a family.
46

45

Predicators of Marital Success

Family background Age Length of courtship Socioeconomic class Personality traits of individuals generally NOT

Vulnerable areas in Marital Adjustment

Unrealistic expectations Gaps in role expectations Work & career issues Financial difficulties Inadequate communication Problem with in-laws Growing in different directions

predictive of marital success

But presence of emotional distress in one or both

47

partners is associated with problems. Perspective taking tendency to put oneself in another persons place - may be associated with marital adjustment.

48

Ask yourself these questions if you want to marry a person

Have we known each other well for a long enough

Reference
Albo, B. (2011). Break up rules: What not to do after a break up. Retrieved from http://dating.about.com/od/breakupsrejection/tp/afterabreakup. htm Ashworth, H. (2011). How to break up: The best way to break up with someone. Retrieved from http://teenadvice.about.com/od/datinglove/a/the_best_way_to_ break_up_with_someone.htm Branden, N. (1981). The psychology of romantic love. NY: Bantam. Forward, S. & Buck, C. (1991) Obsessive love. When it hurts too much to let go. NY: Bantam. Fromm, E. (1956). The art of loving. New York: Harper. Hatfield, E., & Rapson, R. C. (1996). Love and sex: Cross-cultural perspectives. Boston: Allyn & Bacon. Hanna, S. L., Suggett, R., & Radtke, D. (2010). Person to person: Positive relationships dont just happen (5th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall..

period?
Why do we want to make a long-term commitment? What do we expect? What type of marriage do we want and how will we

achieve it?
Are we both going to pursue careers and, if so, how

will we handle such aspects as work schedules, relocation, and conflict between career and relationships? and many more questions (refer to textbook)
49 50

Reference
Merrill, M. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.allprodad.com/articles/dads-and-marriage/riskfactors-for-marital-problems/ Peplau, L. A., Rubin, Z., & Hill, C. T. (1976, November). The sexual balance of power. Psychology Today, 142-151. Rubin, A. (1970). Measurement of romantic love. Journal of Perspective Society Psychology, 16, 265-273. Sternberg, R.J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135. Sternberg, R.J. (1987). Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories. Psychological Bulletin, 102, 331-345. Wegscheider-Cruse, S. (1988). Coupleship: How to build a relationship. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications. Wallace, H. (1996) Family violence: Legal, medical, and social perspectives. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.
51