Harveys Place Shooting Script 4-8-13

HARVEY'S PLACE
by The Sandpoint Comedy Group
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
1.
FADE IN: 1 EXT. MOUNTAIN RESORT - LATE AFTERNOON The resort is in late fall mode. Two TOURISTS stroll the area between the condominiums. The hotel that includes Harvey's Place, the local drinking establishment, is being landscaped by two LANDSCAPE WORKERS who are busy installing a new shrub into the center garden in front of the lodge. A CAR pulls up in front of the lodge and honks its horn for attention. LANDSCAPE WORKER #1 looks up from patting soil around the newly placed shrub as LANDSCAPE WORKER #2 wheels around from watering another recently planted shrub. The hose he's holding finds its way to Landscape Worker #1's rubber boot and begins pouring water into the footwear. The landscaper jumps back, screaming indignities at the other laborer. A BELLBOY comes running out of the lodge and begins taking luggage from the car's three passengers, who quickly make their way to the main lodge entrance. All this is viewed by the landscape foreman, SCOTT MANCUSO, a man in his mid forties. He rolls up a set of plans as he leans against a PICKUP TRUCK and places them in the truck. Looking at his watch, he has to shout to get the attention of the two landscapers, who continue their riff over the wet boot. He motions to them that the work for the day has ended. They start putting their tools into the truck as Scott gathers his clip board from the truck's seat and starts to move in the direction of Harvey's Place. CUT TO: 2 INT. HARVEY'S PLACE LOUNGE - LATE AFTERNOON A large hotel bar lines one of the walls opposite spacious windows overlooking the resort compound. Muffled sounds from the lobby filter in now and then. HARVEY, the bartender and a man with graying hair, is at work behind the bar. He is in proper uniform. A half empty martini glass and a woman's purse are the only objects on the bar top. Down the bar, an assistant bartender, PETE, in matching uniform to that of Harvey, prepares the evening's cocktail requirements of olives, onions and lemon rind. Harvey suddenly looks at his watch and reaches for the television remote and presses the power button. (CONTINUED) 2 1
WHITE Revision 2 CONTINUED:
4-8-13
2. 2
Musical fanfare for the evening news quickly fills the air. 3 ANGLE ON TELEVISION SET Mounted on the wall adjacent to the entrance sits a large television set. It is tuned to the local news station. Musical fanfare continues as the network logo appears and introduces the COMMENTATOR. COMMENTATOR This is Jonny Day from KRAP Sandpoint, your 24/7 station for current news from around the world brought to you by the Pend Oreille Winery, a place where the downtrodden grape gets to go where no other grape has gone before. (pause) And now for the latest news bulletin from far off Bonners Ferry. Here's our own foreign correspondent, Abby Adenour, by satellite connection. (pause) Abby, are you there? A picture of the Parking Metermaid comes on the screen. A crowd of Sandpoint residents follow her with placards that read "STOP UNFAIR CITY PRACTICES". COMMENTATOR (CONT'D) We seem to be having technical difficulties. As soon as we can once again make contact, we'll bring you the latest news from that war torn area. Meanwhile, just in from our correspondent in Priest River, here's our own Mitchell Fullerton on the scene. 4 EXT. CEMETERY - LATE AFTERNOON On the TV changes to a scene of what appears to be a field of tomb stones with a small crashed airplane. EMERGENCY VEHICLES and MEN can be seen working the disaster. MITCHELL FULLERTON is speaking into a mike. FULLERTON No more than two hours ago, a small two-seater Cessna 152 crashed into this lonely cemetery. (MORE) 4 3
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
3. 4
FULLERTON (CONT'D) Search and rescue teams have so far recovered 326 bodies. It is expected that the number will climb as digging continues. (with a smile) Back to you, Jonny. The picture on the TV changes back to the Commentator. COMMENTATOR Thank you, Mitchell. And now for the latest in women's fashion. A picture of a totally ridiculous fashion gown worn by a young woman appears on the screen as the volume on the TV begins to fade and we pan off the TV set and onto: 5 INT. LOUNGE MAIN ENTRANCE Through the archway, leading to the hotel lobby, a gray-haired gentleman wearing a fishing hat and vest enters carrying a fishing pole and a tackle box. His name is BERT and he makes his way across the bar to the main entrance leading to the exterior of the hotel. HARVEY Hey, Bert, I thought you were working the late shift. Nope. BERT Just got off. 5
HARVEY Looks like your going fishing. BERT That's right, Harvey. HARVEY Hope you catch a big one. the way, you got worms? By
BERT Yeah, but I'm goin' anyways. 6 CLOSE UP - HARVEY A stunned look plasters itself on his face. 6
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
4.
WIDE ANGLE TO INCLUDE PETE PETE (from down the bar) Some dirty laundry should be left in the hamper. Harvey gives a not-again look at Pete and goes back to work preparing for the evening crowd as Bert exits the lounge. Scott Mancuso enters gingerly, almost racing towards the alcove next to the bar where the bathrooms are located. SCOTT Hi, Harvey. The usual. Harvey watches Scott as he passes the bar, unzipping his fly as he goes. HARVEY Hey, Scotty, you might want to... But Scott doesn't stop; his need too great; too pressing.
CLOSE UP ON HARVEY Harvey watches, a grimace on his face. CUT TO:
THE ALCOVE There is a moment of silence. Then Scott bursts back into the bar, re-zipping his fly; a LARGE MAN, dressed in women's clothing, close behind. Scott quickly puts a bar stool between him and the Large Man. LARGE MAN What's the matter, dear? Never seen the answer to your dreams before? SCOTT If you're a dream, there's a place for you in the movies! The Large Man moves to the bar and grabs his purse, downing the remainder of his drink. Scott uses the stool to keep the man at bay. Well! LARGE MAN You're no fun.
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
5. 9
SCOTT (to Harvey) Did I get the wrong door. LARGE MAN The right door, darling. the wrong inclination. Just
The Large Man reaches in his purse and lays a few bills on the bar. LARGE MAN (CONT'D) (to Harvey) And the night started out so marvelously. Harvey retrieves the money from the bar and moves to the cash register. HARVEY Thank you and come again. Harvey gives Scott a look of disapproval. HARVEY (CONT'D) It's always a pleasure. The Large Man exits the bar. SCOTT Yeah, always a pleasure. (to Harvey) Man, did you see the size of that tinkerbell? Harvey only gives him a tolerant look. Scott turns to Harvey and gives him a long stare. After a moment: SCOTT (CONT'D) Okay, I get it. Maybe he has the right to be who he wants to be. But he was still big! The next size up must come on eighteen wheels. PETE (with a simple grin) Reflection, like decline, only comes in the winter of one's life. Suddenly, Scott bends over slightly, holding his crotch.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 9
4-8-13
6. 9
CONTINUED: (2) SCOTT I don't know what's worse. My aching bladder, or my floating teeth. HARVEY Not on the carpet, Scotty. Scott turns slowly and, with tight little steps, makes for the alcove as Harvey starts cleaning the bar area where the Large Man had been as the TV continues to blare. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) The U.S. Department of Health Research today announced that they are in agreement in supporting bacteria in all forms. They have concluded that it is possibly the only culture some people will ever have. CUT TO:
10
ANGLE ON ENTRANCE MARGARET, a woman in her late thirties, enters the bar. She is extremely attractive wearing a conservative business suit. Harvey looks up from the bar and nods in the direction of the rest rooms. HARVEY He had to relieve himself, Margie. What'll you have tonight? MARGARET He's always got to pee, Harvey. One of these days he'll get his plumbing fixed and we won't know him. (pause) I'll have a vodka martini. That should take the edge off. Harvey nods and starts to prepare both Scott's drink and that of Margaret. HARVEY How many condos did you sell today? MARGARET The usual.
10
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
7. 10
HARVEY That bad, huh? You'll get your first sale pretty soon. After all, it's still early in the season. PETE Let us not be weary, for in due season shall we reap. Both Harvey and Margaret stare for a moment at Pete and then turn back toward each other. Yeah... MARGARET Well...
HARVEY It's always slow this time of year. Soon as we get some decent snow, all hell will break loose and you won't have time to take a break. MARGARET (hesitant) If you say so. What with this global warming stuff, we may not get a winter this year. Harvey places Scott's drink on the bar as Margaret straddles one of the bar stools. 11 ANGLE ON ALCOVE Scott comes out of the alcove, but stops as he hears Margaret and Harvey in conversation. He stands, listening to their dialogue. Harvey and Margaret are oblivious to his presence. MARGARET (O.S.) Ever since Scotty got laid off at the plant, we've barely been making it on what he brings in working on the landscaping for this place. And that'll come to an end in a month when they finish. If I don't make a sale pretty soon, we're toast. HARVEY (O.S.) Something's bound to come up. It always does. 11
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
8.
12
BACK TO HARVEY AND MARGARET Harvey places a martini in front of Margaret. MARGARET But it's not always what you want, or even close. Scott steps up to the bar and joins Margaret, as he takes the stool next to her. SCOTT (giving her a peck on the cheek) Hey, Honey. How was your day? MARGARET (with a radiant smile) Fine. Just fine. How about yours. SCOTT About the same. Dig a hole, stick in a bush, pack in the dirt and start all over. (to Harvey) I saw a bunch of the staff spiffying up the place. Pretty early in the season for that kind of work, isn't it? HARVEY Word is the new owner is arriving sometime this week. Everybody has their pants in an uproar. SCOTT Ah-ha! So that's why all the pressure to get the landscaping done before the end of the week. What a waste of money... and good plants as well. MARGARET Scotty! Don't start. about this. We talked
12
SCOTT Yeah. I know. We're lucky to have jobs in this economy. CUT TO:
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
9.
13
THE LOBBY ENTRANCE A young BELLBOY enters the lounge with a dazzling smile on his face. He moves to Harvey. BELLBOY The conventioneers just finished checking in, Mr. Corleone. Mrs. Wright wants to know if you're going to need help this evening. HARVEY That's right nice of her to ask, Bobby. Tell her Pete and Millie and the new girl should be enough. Pete looks up from his duties and gives Harvey a smile. PETE Enough that he heard it once: we shall hear it by and by. HARVEY Enough is enough, Pete. Okay?
13
Pete nods with a satisfied smile as Harvey turns once more to Bobby. HARVEY (CONT'D) What's the smile for, Bobby? You look like you just got yourself a winning ticket. BELLBOY I've been born again! HARVEY That's great, Bobby. I hear your dad wasn't too happy about it the first time. For a moment, the Bellboy looks stunned. Then his radiant smile returns and he exits back to the resort. HARVEY (CONT'D) There's one kid who doesn't have a worry in the world. SCOTT Faith conquers all.
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
10. 13
PETE (as if recalling) Faith is... Faith is the ability to believe in something you know isn't true. SCOTT That's deep. HARVEY (to Pete) What did I just say? Pete shrugs and goes back to work as Scott turns to Margaret. 14 ANOTHER ANGLE SCOTT How about some dinner? Margaret nods "yes" and she and Scott head for the lobby entrance where they make their way through a group of CONVENTIONEERS entering the lounge; convention name tags on their lapels. It's getting near cocktail time and the herd is heading for the trough. Over the crowd, the Commentator once again delivers the news. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) The U.S. Forest Service was assailed today by an animal rights group headed by Senator Enrique Espinoza of the 103rd district. The group wants the service to clearly mark deer crossings in bright yellow so that the creatures can safely find their way across the highways in forested areas. Espinoza is the Senator who's birth certificate is being questioned by the head of the Democratic party here in Idaho. FADE OUT: 15 EXT. SCHWEITZER'S RESORT - NIGHT Night shrouds the resort. Lights blare from the Lounge's windows and PEOPLE can be seen populating 15 14
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
11. 15 A group singing songs CUT TO:
the popular drinking hole. filters through.
16
INT. HARVEY'S PLACE - NIGHT The lounge is packed with CONVENTIONEERS, OFF WORK PERSONNEL, and LOCALS looking for comradery. The din is deafening. Harvey and Pete cope with mounting orders. MILLIE, the cocktail waitress, as well as another WELL ENDOWED SERVANT of the lounge, scurry amongst the crowd. In the far corner of the bar, a group of DRUNKEN SONGSTERS are gathered around an upright piano, singing The Alcoholic Blues song. The camera wanders around the room and comes to rest on...
16
17
THE BAR Where a DRUNKEN SOUL falls off his stool. He lies there seemingly unconscious. A GOOD SAMARITAN GIRL rushes to him and starts to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harvey leans over the bar. HARVEY He's not dead, Lady. Only drunk.
17
The Drunken Soul takes his hand and moves the Lady's head out of the way as he glares at Harvey. DRUNKEN SOUL Mind your own business. PETE The sin of drunkenness, which is the root of all sin. Harvey looks over at Pete who shrugs his shoulders. PETE (CONT'D) I think the guy's got it covered, Harv. CUT TO: 18 THE PIANO ALCOVE THREE GUYS are clustered around a table next to the PIANO PLAYER and the SONGSTERS as they bellow out a tune. Each one of the Guys clutches a bottle of beer. 18
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
12. 18
GUY #1 (staring at the piano player) Isn't that the guy who plays the guitar? GUY #2 Yeah. So what? GUY #1 Well, what's he doing playing the piano? GUY #3 He's bilingual. Guy #1 and Guy #2 give their buddy a look of condescending understanding. CLOSE UP ON PIANO PLAYER The Piano Player turns and gives the three a winning smile. BACK TO THE THREE GUYS Guy #3 waves a hello at the Piano player and joins the erupting argument. GUY #1 Like hell, it is. GUY #2 Well, it's sort of a local definition. GUY #1 In Europe, wouldn't you say? GUY #3 So you're saying that heaven is where the cooks are French, the cops are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and it's all organized by the Swiss. Is that right? GUY #1 Right on. And hell is where the cooks are British, the cops are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 18
4-8-13
13. 18
CONTINUED: (2) GUY #2 So where does that leave the Poles? GUY #1 Probably being invaded by the Germans... again. Guy #2 and #3 shake their heads in disbelief as we: CUT TO:
19
THE LOUNGE MAIN ENTRANCE A FIGURE in a trench coat and fedora hat slips into the lounge from the main entrance. Noticeable is the fact that no pant legs show from where the coat ends and the socks and shoes begin. The Figure mills around and finally pauses in front of a group of COLLEGE STUDENTS around a table with its back to camera. It "flashes" the Students and, at first, they are shocked. The WOMEN begin to look embarrassed; the MEN's eyes go into saucer heaven. Using hand signs to indicate they don't understand. The Figure slams down the fedora hat to the floor, revealing a woman's long hair. She wraps the trench coat around her and leaves in a huff, the crowd starting to giggle in the process. CUT TO:
19
20
HARVEY AND PETE AT BAR PETE (to Harvey) Did you see that? Harvey looks up from preparing a drink and looks in the direction that Pete is staring. HARVEY (offhandedly) That's Mrs. Peterson. She's having identity issues. PETE My mind as generous, her shape as true, an honest madam's issue. Harvey begins to roll his eyes as Pete continues to look at the the departing Flasher, a smile of satisfaction on his face. CUT TO:
20
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
14.
21
A CORNER IN THE LOUNGE A couple, HARRY and SALLY, cloistered by a small corner table, look into each other's eyes as they drink. HARRY Here's to twelve years of married bliss. They clink glasses and take sips. SALLY Each one more meaningful than the last. You're special. They sip their drinks once more. HARRY (eyes glowing) Shall we go home and try a different position tonight? SALLY (with a smile) What a wonderful idea. You can stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas. On the man's crushed look, we... CUT TO:
21
22
A CORNER OF THE BAR by the Main Entrance. An overweight CHARLIE and a pear-shaped JANE saunter into the lounge and sit at the bar. Harvey goes to them and puts a cocktail napkin in front of each. Charlie. HARVEY Jane. What'll it be?
22
CHARLIE The usual, Harv. Harvey goes to prepare their drinks. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (in muted tones) What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
15. 22
JANE Turn sideways in front of a mirror and take a look. CHARLIE (snide-like) Very funny. I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothin' to put in it. JANE (with a sweet smile) You wear briefs, don't you? Camera begins to dolly down the row of CUSTOMERS at the bar, taking in their body movements as they converse with each other. In the background, the TV Commentator continues his diatribe. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) The Drug Enforcement Agency, pressured by those in favor of legalizing certain narcotics, stated that the use of drugs leads nowhere even though the opiates do offer a very scenic route. The camera finally arrives at: 23 A BAR PATRON Sits quietly, relishing his drink. An ATTRACTIVE WOMAN enters, looks around, and settles on the stool next to the Patron. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Orange juice, bartender. Harvey signals an "okay" and starts to prepare the drink. BAR PATRON On the wagon, ehh? ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Not at all. Today is a special day. I'm celebrating. BAR PATRON That's funny, I'm celebrating, too. 23
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
16.
24
ANOTHER ANGLE Harvey puts a glass of orange juice in front of the Woman and she and the Patron tip glasses in a toast. BAR PATRON (CONT'D) What's the occasion? ATTRACTIVE WOMAN For years I've been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant. BAR PATRON Congratulations. (they tip glasses once more) As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens have been relatively infertile. Egg production, as you can guess, has been way off. But today... Today they're fertile as hell. I've got eggs up the gazoo. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN How did you manage it? BAR PATRON I switched cocks. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN (smiling) What a coincidence. Camera moves down the bar a short way to:
24
25
SCOTT AND MARGARET Scott sits next to Margaret as they consume an after dinner drink. An EXECUTIVE type in casual attire and a wind breaker sits on the other side of Scott. In the background, the Songsters belt out Hail To the Chief. MARGARET (sliding off the stool) I have to go over to the office and pick up some paperwork. Meet me in the lobby in about fifteen minutes.
25
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
17. 25
SCOTT Hope you run into a live one on the way and you sell 'em the most expensive condo in the resort. He turns bar. He watching toasting back to see the Executive staring down the follows his gaze and joins the Executive in the Attractive Woman and the Bar Patron their glasses.
EXECUTIVE Seems like they have something special to celebrate. SCOTT Happiness is a sometime thing. The Executive turns to face Scott and inadvertently knocks Scott's drink over onto his clipboard. EXECUTIVE Sorry about that. I wasn't watch... SCOTT Don't worry about it. Anyway, there's nothing in those sketches that are going anywhere. EXECUTIVE (to Harvey) Bartender, could you bring this gentleman another drink. It's on me. Harvey nods ascent and goes to prepare Scott another drink. SCOTT You don't have to do that. was an accident. It
EXECUTIVE I insist. (indicating the clipboard) What are all those designs for? Scott weighs a response for a moment and then turns to the Executive. SCOTT They're my ideas on how this place should be landscaped. (CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 25
4-8-13
18. 25
CONTINUED: (2) EXECUTIVE Are you involved in the landscaping for this place? SCOTT I work for the guy that got the contract. The landscape architect is from Los Angeles and doesn't know jack about the Northwest. EXECUTIVE And you do? SCOTT I'd like to think I do. You see, we're putting in a lot of shrubs and plants that are marginal at best in this region. Every Spring, they'll be replacing a lot of what we're planting now. EXECUTIVE Why is that? SCOTT The winter. The frost will kill most of the stuff. It'll look great when they're finished, but replacing those plants every year just isn't cost effective. EXECUTIVE Perhaps it's the look the owner wants. SCOTT Then the owner is a putz. This is primarily a ski resort. The place should look like it fits right into its surroundings; nestled into the forest like. Not a Vegas style gambling joint. EXECUTIVE That's an interesting view. Mind if I look those designs over? SCOTT Naw. As I said, they're going nowhere. I have to go and meet my wife. You can leave them with Harvey when you're finished.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 25
4-8-13
19. 25
CONTINUED: (3) Thanks. EXECUTIVE I'll do that.
Scott downs what's left of his drink. SCOTT Thanks for the drink. EXECUTIVE Not at all. My pleasure. With that, Scott leaves. 26 RESORT ENTRANCE TO LOUNGE The camera follows him to the lobby entrance and watches him go out as in the background, The Shiek of Araby with remodeled lyrics is heard. 27 CLOSE ON HUSBAND AND WIFE As they enter the crowded lounge through the lobby entrance. They look around for a place to sit, the Husband ogling every well-formed fanny in the place. WIFE Stop ogling all the girls. embarrassing me. HUSBAND I'm not ogling. He keeps on checking out every ripe posterior. The Wife pushes ahead through the crowd towards the bar with the Husband close behind. As the Wife passes a particularly BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, she pats the Woman on the ass. The Beautiful Woman twirls around, her face an angry mask. She spies the Husband with an inviting smile on his face and slaps him hard. The Wife grabs her Husband and yanks him toward the bar. WIFE (to the Beautiful Woman) I'm sorry about that. They're a little unmanageable at times, aren't they? The camera follows the Couple into the crowd as the TV Commentator can be heard delivering the news. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Twentieth Century Fox has announced that they have gone (MORE) (CONTINUED) You're 27 26
4-8-13
20. 27
COMMENTATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) into partnership with the Gillette Razor Corporation in the making of Tarzan: The Return of the Ape Man. Gillete promises that the film will show Tarzan shaving with one of their top-of-theline razors, thus explaining why the the legendary ape man was never seen with a beard. A sudden collision with another patron causes the Husband to stop. He looks into the eyes of a: 28 TOUGH HARD CASE The HARD CASE gives the Husband a cold, threatening look. 29 HIGH SHOT The Wife grabs her Husband and quickly drags him off as the Hard Case and his COMPANION make for a table. The camera drops down and comes to rest on a group of THREE MEN that are standing by the bar, talking and having drinks. One of the men is wearing a stunning suede jacket. A WOMAN stares at the jacketed man with a scowl on her face. She moves to the suedejacketed Man and spins him around. WOMAN Do you know that a cow was murdered for that jacket? MAN (in a psychotic state) I didn't know there were any witnesses. He looks around furtively. MAN (CONT'D) Now I'll have to kill you, too. He starts to move menacingly towards her as she turns and runs out of the lounge, screaming. Camera follows the fleeing Woman and picks up Millie, the cocktail waitress, as she storms back to the bar. Millie gets to the order section, an angry expression on her face. 29 28
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
21. 29
HARVEY What's wrong, Millie? MILLIE Some schmuck over there.. (she indicates the corner) ...said I have a nice ass. 30 CLOSE ON HARVEY HARVEY What's wrong with someone telling you that you have a nice fanny? 31 CLOSE ON MILLIE MILLIE He's blind and used Braille. CUT TO: 32 PROFESSIONAL MAN AND A BUSINESS WOMAN Sitting at the bar. The WOMAN takes her glass and toasts the MAN next to her. BUSINESS WOMAN Thanks. You're a sport. your name, by the way? Seymore. What's 32 31 30
PROFESSIONAL MAN Seymore Butkus.
BUSINESS WOMAN Okay, Seymore, but listen up. (she looks intently into his eyes) I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, dirty, clean... It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it. PROFESSIONAL MAN (eyes wide) No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
22. 32
As the Woman dives into her personal business history, we: CUT TO: 33 THE LOBBY ENTRANCE A DISTINGUISHED MAN enters accompanied by a YOUNG BOY. As we follow them to the bar, the TV Commentator can be heard to say: COMMENTATOR (V.O.) One of our listeners wrote in asking whether crematoriums should give discounts to burn victims. Call our toll-free number and give us your opinion. The Distinguished Man and Young Boy take seats at the bar next to TWO BUSINESS TYPE WOMEN. Harvey approaches them and places cocktail napkins in front of each. HARVEY What'll it be? DISTINGUISHED MAN A Scotch and soda for me and an orange juice for the boy. Harvey goes about pouring a Scotch for the man and an orange juice for the boy. While Harvey is busy, the Commentator continues: COMMENTATOR (V.O.) The Department of Health announced today that it is extremely confused as to why Americans order a double cheese burger with a large order of fries, while also ordering a diet coke. The spokesman for the agency said that no amount of money would be spared to determine the cause of this American-only conundrum. Harvey places the prepared drinks on the bar before the two. HARVEY You wanna run a tab? Sure. DISTINGUISHED MAN Why not. 33
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
23. 33
The camera pans off the Man and the Boy and comes to rest on the Two Business Women, a CAMPAIGN MANAGER and her POLITICAL CANDIDATE. The Campaign Manager is just placing her drink on the bar. The Songsters strike up Take Your Girlie to the Movies. CAMPAIGN MANAGER Do you have your notes ready for the debate next week? POLITICAL CANDIDATE Oh, sure. I'm going to do what Sarah Palin did for her Tea Party debate. CAMPAIGN MANAGER What was that? POLITICAL CANDIDATE She got it from Isaiah 49:16 where God scribbled on the palm of his hand. CAMPAIGN MANAGER The palm of his hand? POLITICAL CANDIDATE Exactly. It says: "I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you." I figure if it's good enough for God it should work for me. CAMPAIGN MANAGER Don't you mean that He engraved on the palms... The Campaign Manager stops, gives her candidate a searching look, then: CAMPAIGN MANAGER (CONT'D) Never mind. The Campaign Manager reaches for her drink and takes a healthy swig. CUT TO: 34 ANOTHER SECTION OF THE LOUNGE An OLD MAN and an OLD WOMAN sit next to each other at a small table by one of the large windows overlooking the resort gardens. Suddenly, the Old Woman takes a mighty swing with her purse and whacks the Old Man over the head. (CONTINUED) 34
4-8-13
24. 34
OLD MAN (holding his head in pain) What you do that for? OLD WOMAN For fifty years of bad sex. The Old Man sits for a minute then picks up his cane and slams it down on the Old Woman's legs. Gasping, she looks at him and says: OLD WOMAN (CONT'D) What was that for? OLD MAN For knowing the difference. Millie comes by with two glasses of beer on her tray. Camera follows the tray to the next table. As the waitress lowers the tray, we see the Two Hard Cases that entered earlier. Millie places the beer in front of them as they sit with sullen faces. MILLIE You guys want to run a tab? Yeah. Millie leaves. 35 ANOTHER ANGLE Waist high at the Hard Cases' table. We catch a glimpse of a pistol tucked into Hard Case #1's waistband under his jacket. Hard case #1 leans over to Hard case #2. HARD CASE #1 (conspiratorially) What do you think? A couple of grand, easy. HARD CASE #2 Seems about right. When do you want to do it? HARD CASE #1 Let's let 'em get good and drunk. They won't be able to identify us so easy if they're boozed up. CUT TO: 35 HARD CASE #1 We wanna run a tab.
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
25.
36
BACK TO THE BAR Harvey approaches the Distinguished Man and the Young Boy. HARVEY How about another? DISTINGUISHED MAN Good idea. Once again, Harvey starts to prepare their drinks. CUT TO:
36
37
A CORNER OF THE BAR Charlie and Jane sit morosely, sipping their drinks. Jane looks off and spots a WOMAN WITH A BOUNTIFUL BOSOM coming through the main entrance.
37
38
THE WOMAN - JANE'S P.O.V. Well dressed woman with a low cut neckline that would make Jane Mansfield envious.
38
39
BACK TO JANE AND CHARLIE Jane perks up and sits up straight. JANE I think I'll get me some plastic surgery and have boobs like that. CHARLIE Hell, you don't need surgery to do that. JANE Okay, smart ass. How do you do it without surgery? CHARLIE Just rub toilet paper on them. JANE And how the hell does that make them bigger? CHARLIE I don't know, but it works on your ass. Jane gives him a frozen look and calmly pours the rest of her drink on his crotch. (CONTINUED)
39
4-8-13
26. 39
As the last drops cascade to their intended spot, Jane grabs her purse and walks briskly to the main entrance. Charlie looks up from his crotch and signals Harvey for another round. GEORGE, who's sitting next to Charlie, shakes his head. GEORGE You been married a long time? CHARLIE Long enough to put up with that. Charlie's head nods in the direction Jane took. GEORGE Some people say that marriage is the triumph of habit over hate. On Charlie's sour expression, we... CUT TO: 40 AT THE BAR An OLDER WOMAN and her YOUNG FRIEND are at the bar. Both are party girls here for the thrills, if not pleasures, emanating from the convention. Each are relaxing with a glass of white wine. OLDER WOMAN I couldn't help it. He looked so funny sitting on... An OLD GUY puts his head in between the two and checks out one after the other, a puzzled look on his face. The two women stare at the intruder as if he's from another planet. In the background, the Songsters begin to sing A Hot Time on the Old Town Tonight. OLD GUY Hi, you two lovelies. I had a really neat pick-up line, but, damn it, I just forgot what it was. He suddenly brightens up, his eyes shining. OLD GUY (CONT'D) It was a question, I know that... 40
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
27. 40
OLDER WOMAN That's okay, fella. Whatever it was, the answer's no. OLD GUY It was something about time. OLDER WOMAN Like how soon are you leaving? YOUNG FRIEND The clock's ticking. The Old Guy raises his wrist close to his face in order to see his watch, which is a gold Oyster Rolex. The Young Friend reacts to the expensive time piece. OLD GUY Seems to be working. The Old Guy snaps out of his concern for his watch and turns to the Young Friend who now has a radiant smile on her face. OLDER WOMAN You know what? I'm going to let you buy us a drink... From Eichardt's down in town. OLD GUY (turning to the Older Woman) Do they deliver? The Older Woman starts to shake her head in disgust. OLD GUY (CONT'D) For that matter, do you deliver? YOUNG FRIEND I think you should leave her alone. The Old Guy turns to the smiling Young Friend. OLD GUY Good idea. She looks a bit long in the tooth. C'mon, let's go. He takes the girl by the arm and escorts her out of the bar in the direction of the lobby. The Older Woman sits in shock. The camera pans with the couple and ends up on:
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
28.
41
HARVEY AND PETE Preparing a set of drinks. Pete looks over at Harvey.
41
PETE You've been at this for a long time, Harv. How do you tell what a woman's all about by what she drinks? HARVEY It's called observation. For instance, a gal who drinks beer is low maintenance, down to earth. PETE What's the best way to approach someone like that? HARVEY Challenge her to a game of pool. PETE How about someone who orders a mixed drink? HARVEY Older, refined, high maintenance, and knows exactly what she wants. PETE How do you get to know a gal like that? HARVEY You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll take you home with her. PETE And someone who orders straight shots? HARVEY Likes to get it on and get totally drunk. Easiest hit in the bar. Nothing to do but wait. But be careful not to make her mad. PETE I heard there's two things you gotta know about a woman... (with a puzzled look) Nobody knows what they are. (CONTINUED)
4-8-13
29. 41
Harvey finishes preparing a drink and places it on a tray at the order bar. He Looks over at Pete with a condescending look as Pete places three beers on the bar. 42 THE PIANO ALCOVE The Three Guys are in a spirited discussion. GUY #1 Ya cut across forestry land and they call out the Calvary. GUY #2 That's only is you're loggin' for some private contractor. GUY #3 It's beyond my apprehension how them dudes find out where you're at. GUY #2 It's like this, Bernie. They thinks you're trying to steel their trees and they just want to check you out. GUY #3 Ya otta be glad we don't live in one of them Arab countries. There, they decapitate your hand if you get caught steeling. GUY #1 Man, you gotta be kidding. I gets aspersion to that sort of thing. GUY #3 Enough to give a man cardinal arrest, if ya know what I mean. GUY #1 It's an abdominal act no matter how you look at it. Guy #2, whose eyes are now rolling in their sockets, picks up his beer and lifts it in a toast. GUY #2 Let's drink to independent logging contractors, wherever they are. 42
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
30. 42
GUY #1 That's totally accessible to me. How about you, Bernie. GUY #3 May they become permeable fixtures on the forestry scene. All three raise their beer bottles. CUT TO: 43 THE BAR Harvey places the drink in front of the patron next to the Distinguished Man and the Young Boy. Harvey removes the empty glasses in front of the two and before he can ask if the Distinguished Man wants another, the Man stands. DISTINGUISHED MAN Another round, barkeep. I'll be right back. With that, he gets off his bar stool and moves in the direction of the lobby entrance. Camera pans with him and comes to rest on: 44 A SMALL MAN Sitting at the bar nursing his beer. A VERY LARGE MAN enters and moves to where the Distinguished Man was seated. He starts to sit as Harvey leans over the bar. HARVEY That seat's taken, friend. The Very Large Man reacts with a scowl and moves further down the bar to where the Small Man sits nursing his drink. The Very Large Man hauls back and knocks the Small Man off the bar stool. VERY LARGE MAN That's a karate chop from Korea, buddy. The Very Large Man takes the empty seat as the Small Man gets up and exits towards the parking entrance. The Very Large Man enjoys the Small Man's beer, as we: CUT TO: 44 43
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
31.
45
ON TELEVISION Over the heads of the patrons by the large screen. COMMENTATOR We're finally able to bring you our foreign correspondent, Abby Adenour from war torn Bonners Ferry. We can only hope that our satellite connection is not interrupted. Abby, are you with us? The scene on the TV changes and ABBY ADENOUR comes on the screen. Sounds of marching troops can be heard in the background. ABBY I'm here, Jonny. All I can say is the war here is progressing rapidly. We've been promised a personal interview with General Rockmartin within the hour. On Abby's broad smile, we: CUT TO:
45
46
THE BAR The Very Large Man is suddenly knocked off his stool. The Small Man enters frame and looks at Harvey, a large crowbar in his hands. SMALL MAN When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Merwins. The Small Man exits the bar carrying the crowbar. Close on Harvey as he looks down at the Very Large Man lying on the floor. He turns to Pete. HARVEY See if you can get someone to help you get that guy off the floor, will you Pete? PETE Sure thing. And remind me not to get that little guy pissed off.
46
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
32.
47
ANOTHER ANGLE Harvey steps up to the Bar Patron and the Attractive Woman who are deep in conversation. HARVEY How you folks doing? Both raise their glasses indicating that they still have enough to keep going for a while. Harvey moves off as the camera moves in close to a:
47
48
TWO SHOT - BAR PATRON AND ATTRACTIVE WOMAN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Yeah. I know what you mean. When a woman gets pregnant, all her friends pat her tummy and congratulate her. BAR PATRON Exactly, but no one ever pats the guy's penis and says "good work." ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Hard work is never appreciated. CUT TO:
48
49
THE BAR - THE YOUNG BOY Harvey approaches the Young Boy who is now sitting alone. He removes the now empty glass of orange juice. The vacant seat next to him still has a fresh Scotch and soda on the bar. HARVEY How about another? The Young Boy shakes his head "no". Harvey moves down the bar and begins to fix two drinks. Over this, we hear the television blare out a commercial. TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.) Come one, come all. The Sandpoint West Athletic Club wishes to invite you to a free diagnostic visit. Get your body trim and in shape. Free coffee and donuts will also be served. The Songsters belt out an old favorite: When The Saints Come Marching In.
49
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
33. 49
Harvey finishes preparing two drinks and moves to the Business Women sitting at the bar. Harvey places the drinks in front of them and moves away. The Campaign Manager lifts her glass in a toast to the Political Candidate. CAMPAIGN MANAGER Here's to you, Olivia. Our next commissioner. POLITICAL CANDIDATE I'll drink to that. They chink their glasses and start to drink. CAMPAIGN MANAGER Have you thought of a good slogan for your platform? POLITICAL CANDIDATE When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble. CAMPAIGN MANAGER Sounds about right for today's politics. POLITICAL CANDIDATE It works in Congress. CUT TO: 50 THE YOUNG BOY AT THE BAR A concerned Harvey approaches the Young Boy. HARVEY You think something could'a happened to your dad? The Boy looks up at Harvey, a confused look on his face. YOUNG BOY He's not my dad. I met him out in the lobby and he asked me if I wanted a free drink. On Harvey's disdained look, we pan to a PRIEST as he enters and sits next to the Young Boy. The Priest spots the glass of Scotch and a radiant smile erupts from his face. 50
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
34. 50 Just
PRIEST How nice of you, Harvey. what I needed.
HARVEY Sure. Why not. Consider it a donation. The Young Boy stares at the Priest for a moment. YOUNG BOY You got your collar on backwards. PRIEST (catching sight of the boy) I am a Father. YOUNG BOY My dad doesn't wear his collar like that. PRIEST I am a Father of many. YOUNG BOY My dad has four boys and three girls and he doesn't wear his collar that way. PRIEST (somewhat irritated) I'm the Father of hundreds. YOUNG BOY Maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards instead of your collar. The Priest chokes on his drink as Harvey comes up to them. HARVEY Out, kid. You're too young to be in here, anyway. The Young Boy gets off his stool and heads for the lounge entrance as Harvey turns to the Priest HARVEY (CONT'D) Sorry about that, Father. PRIEST Perfectly all right, Harvey. Just another misguided soul. (CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 50
4-8-13
35. 50
CONTINUED: (2) McDONALD, one of the regulars, slips into the seat just vacated by the Young Boy. He looks over at the Priest and starts to retreat. PRIEST (CONT'D) Just a minute William. Where's my dog? MCDONALD I was just now looking for you, Father. PRIEST (sarcastically) Of course you were. MCDONALD On my mother's honor, Father. PRIEST I paid you Five Hundred Dollars to teach my dog to talk. You said it would only take a month and it's going on six months and still no talking dog. MCDONALD Well, you see Father, something unforeseen has happened. The dog learned to talk, alright, but a week ago when I was bringing him to you, the little feller spotted your housekeeper and asked me if she was the one that kept house for you. I answered that she was, and he said if it was the same one that slips under the covers with you now and then. PRIEST (shocked) Dear Lord. MCDONALD Not to worry, Father. I put the lying beast in a canvass bag, weighted it down with some stones, and threw him into the lake. The Priest gives McDonald a curious look. PRIEST Are you sure he's dead? CUT TO:
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
36.
51
LOUNGE ENTRANCE DUFFY, another one of the regulars, enters the lounge. In the background, we hear the TV Commentator spewing the news for those that can hear it. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Starting Thursday at the Panida Theater, they'll be showing the block-buster film, Adam and Eve, with a cast of thousands. Admission to this extraordinary event will be limited to persons over the age of eighteen due to the film's graphic violence and nudity. Parents accompanied by children under the age of eighteen may leave them in the lobby. Baby sitting rates are negotiable. Duffy heads towards a group of friends, including SAM and BILL. His somber look ends the cheerful mood they were enjoying. The Songsters begin Comrades, I Am Dying. SAM Hey, Duffy, what's the matter? You look as if the apocalypse was happening tomorrow. DUFFY Yeah. My doctor just told me I have AIDS. BILL My God, Duffy. That's terrible. Can they cure it? DUFFY Afraid not. The doc says I'm too far gone. I've only a few days left to live. His friends sadly shake their heads in sorrow as Duffy's SON enters and crosses to the group. SON Hey, Dad, mom says she wants you home. The doc called and she... well... you know... Duffy stands and starts to leave with his son. DUFFY See you guys. (CONTINUED)
51
4-8-13
37. 51
THE CROWD See ya, Duff... AIDS. That's tough... Sorry about that... Good luck, old boy. Duffy and his son start to walk out of the bar. His Son grabs hold of his arm and bends closer to speak. SON Dad, I thought the doc said you're dying of cancer. How come you told your friends that you're dying of AIDS? DUFFY I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone. The two exit the lounge. CUT TO: 52 THE PIANO ALCOVE The three Guys are still sitting next to the piano group. Millie has just served them drinks and waits as one of the men shells out some cash. GUY #1 Do either one of you remember where we left the car? Sure. GUY #2 I've got a great memory. GUY #1 How great? 52
Oh, yeah.
GUY #2 I can remember the first day of my first grade class. GUY #3 Hell, that's nothing. I can remember my first day in nursery school. GUY #1 (with a smug look) Forget it. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mother.
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
38.
53
CLOSE ON MILLIE As she shakes his head at the men's bragging. She picks up the cash and heads to the bar. The camera follows her as the TV Commentator continues his diatribe. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) After an intensive study, psychologists at Fordham University have determined that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Harvey puts the cash in the register and starts to pour a glass of beer from the tap as FRED, a middleaged man, is just taking his seat. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) American distributors of Electrolux vacuum cleaners are in a quandary ever since the Scandinavian manufacturer released an ad campaign whose translation reads: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." The camera leaves Millie and moves to:
53
54
ANGLE ON HARVEY AT THE BAR Harvey moves to where FRED is seated and places the glass of beer in front of him. Fred's head hangs low, looking depressed. HARVEY Why so glum, Fred? FRED Ethel kicked me out of the house. HARVEY What'd you do this time? FRED I came home and found her standing there, waiting for me with nothing on. She was totally nude, for chrissakes. HARVEY Sounds interesting. do? What'd you
54
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
39. 54
FRED I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was wearing her love suit. HARVEY And you did what? FRED I told her it needed ironing. Harvey shakes his head, commiserating with Fred. reaches down and pushes the beer towards Fred. HARVEY It's on the house, Fred. you need it. I think He
FRED More than you'll ever know. In the background, the Songsters begin Pack Up Your Troubles In An Old Kit Bag. FRED (CONT'D) When she handed me my bags, and, as I walked to the front door, she shouted that she wished me a slow and painful death. That's when it really got bad. HARVEY What happened? FRED I said: 'So now you want me to stay.' HARVEY (shaking his head) You might just lack a little finesse, Fred. On Fred's miserable look, we: CUT TO: 55 A MIXED GROUP OF COLLEGE STUDENTS Sit around a table in the corner of the lounge. Beer bottles litter the tabletop. They're in the process of playing a question's game. 55
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
40. 55
FEMALE STUDENT #1 Okay, what part of the body, when stimulated, increases to ten times its normal size? FEMALE STUDENT #2 You're being filthy, Janice. You should be ashamed of yourself. MALE STUDENT #1 The pupil. FEMALE STUDENT #1 That's right. And all I have to say to you, Suzie, is that you're obviously a virgin and you've got a lot of disappointment headed your way. The camera pans to the next table where two elderly women, MABEL and HELEN, sit. Fruity drinks with tiny paper umbrellas sit before them. MABEL I've decided to go to Europe this winter. HELEN You got a visa? MABEL No. I always travel with my American Express card. MABEL peers at her partner for a short time, then puts her hand on the other woman's arm. MABEL (CONT'D) By the way, Helen, do you know that Mr. Hamershault over at the Bridge asked me for your phone number. HELEN (curiously) What's he doing over at the Cedar Street Bridge? MABEL Not the Cedar Street Bridge, the Bridge Retirement Home, ninny. I think he wants to date you.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 55
4-8-13
41. 55 He's got a
CONTINUED: (2) HELEN I guess it's okay. wooden leg.
MABEL What has a wooden leg to do with it? HELEN If he gets too feisty, I can outrun the old fart. CUT TO: 56 THE TV COMMENTATOR A study done at Johns Hopkins University found that normal is just another setting on a washing machine. Camera pans off the TV and takes in the main entrance as a well dressed LADY'S MAN enters and moves to the bar to where a YOUNG GIRL sits. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) And those magnificent washing machines can now be found at our one and only Sears Department Store in the Bonner Mall. The Lady's Man slides into the seat next to the Girl as the Songsters start to sing My Gal Sal. LADY'S MAN Hi, gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink? The Young Girl turns to the man. YOUNG GIRL Of course you can. But I have to warn you that if you have any other intentions, I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love. LADY'S MAN That must be a bitch. YOUNG GIRL It isn't very hard, but it has my husband pretty upset. 56
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
42. 56
The Lady's Man's adams apple does a large gulp as the camera moves down the bar to: 57 THE BAR The OLDER WOMAN sits at the bar next to Fred. are in friendly conversation. OLDER WOMAN It's just too difficult for most of our employees to get a handle on it. FRED Yeah. I know what you mean. Things get hard for me now and then. The Older Woman spots her Young Friend approaching the bar. She extends a hand and puts it on Fred's arm. OLDER WOMAN Hold that thought, will you, honey. Her Young Friend slips into the seat next to her, a flat expression on her face. OLDER WOMAN (CONT'D) How'd it go? YOUNG FRIEND Rickety. Every time he moves, he creaks. It was like sitting on a bowl of Rice Krispies. OLDER WOMAN It's gotta beat a bowl of oatmeal. YOUNG FRIEND Actually, nothing happened. OLDER WOMAN You mean the earth didn't move? YOUNG FRIEND Hell. He didn't move. he's dead. I think They 57
All of a sudden, the Old Guy sticks his head in between the two women. The two react, startled.
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
43. 57
OLD GUY You left just as I was getting warmed up. YOUNG FRIEND You went to get a glass of water and never came back. OLD GUY I was getting a stiff pickerupper pill. He shakes a bottle of Viagra in their faces. Fred, on the other side of the Older Woman, is starting to roll his eyes. OLDER WOMAN That's all you guys think about: getting your jollies. What about the woman? When does she get satisfied. OLD GUY You get to give birth. You should thank God you get something out of it. Both women shake their heads in disbelief. Fred silently gets off his stool and begins his disappearing act. The Older Woman finally turns to Harvey. OLDER WOMAN Hey, Harv. Get this gentleman a drink on me. HARVEY What's he drinking? OLDER WOMAN Anything with arsenic in it. The the Songsters begin Toot, Toot, Tootsie Good Bye as the camera pans down the bar to: 58 MAN AND WOMAN LAWYERS AT THE BAR The Professional Man and the Business Woman are deep into conversation about their practices. PROFESSIONAL MAN You're kidding. You get your clients out of the Daily Bee? 58
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
44. 58
BUSINESS WOMAN Sure. I keep an eye on the obituaries and move in on the family to handle the probate. PROFESSIONAL MAN How are you doing? BUSINESS WOMAN I do pretty good. That is, when they're not already represented. Now and then I get snookered by the paper. PROFESSIONAL MAN How do you mean? BUSINESS WOMAN Well, just last month the paper misspelled a word and left part of the obituary out and I ended up representing someone's dog in probate. PROFESSIONAL MAN You gotta be kidding. BUSINESS WOMAN Funny. BUSNINESS WOMAN (CONTINUED) That's exactly what the judge said. CUT TO: 59 THE LOBBY ENTRANCE Scott and Margaret enter. He quickly moves to the bar, followed by his wife. Scott signals Harvey that he wants to talk to him. Harvey moves in their direction. SCOTT Did a guy leave you some designs a while ago? HARVEY No one's given me anything tonight except grief. But wait a minute. Harvey turns to Pete who is working the bar at the other end. 59
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
45. 59
HARVEY (CONT'D) Hey, Pete. Anybody leave some papers with you? PETE Last time someone gave me papers, I got evicted. Scott slams his fist down on the bar. SCOTT I should have my head examined. I didn't even get the guy's name. MARGARET Maybe he's a guest at the hotel, and he's taking his time to look them over. SCOTT Yeah, maybe, but not likely. The guy's probably copying them right now. I'm a real jerk. MARGARET Don't be so hard on yourself, Scotty. It's not as if you can't draw them over again. SCOTT It's not that. They're my ideas and some guy's just made off with them. MARGARET Let's go see if anyone at the desk knows who the guy is. Scott gives her a look of doubt. MARGARET (CONT'D) We can at least try. Scott acknowledges Margaret's suggestion and they hurry in the direction of the lobby entrance. Camera follows as over the crowd's continuing blather, the TV Commentator continues with the latest infringement to peace of mind. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) The Panida Theater would like the parents of a three-year-old boy that was left behind after this evening's movie to pick up (MORE) (CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 59
4-8-13
46. 59
CONTINUED: (2) COMMENTATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) the child as soon as possible. You will be responsible for the espresso and puppy he has been able to wheedle out of the management during his stay. The camera lets Scott and Margaret go out of frame and picks up two old men, AMOS and SYLVESTER, as they move to a table and take seats. Millie approaches and stands next to Sylvester.
60
ANOTHER ANGLE Millie's voluptuous fanny is almost in Amos's face. Amos's eyes go wide as he stares at the thing of beauty. MILLIE (placing cocktail napkins on the table) Hi, fellas. What are you having? SYLVESTER A raisin daiquiri for me. MILLIE (turning to Amos) Is yours raisin, too? AMOS No. But it's startin' to twitch a bit. The Songsters start to sing After You've Gone as we: CUT TO:
60
61
THE COLLEGE STUDENTS The students are now in debate about religious matters. FEMALE STUDENT #1 What's going on right now in the middle east in the way of Islamic fanaticism, is no different than what happened to Europe during the Catholic Inquisition. FEMALE STUDENT #2 Like hell it is. One has nothing to do with the other.
61
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
47. 61
FEMALE STUDENT #1 (turning to their male companion) What do you think? MALE STUDENT #1 Thank God for atheism. CUT TO: 62 THE BAR PATRON As he sits in conversation with the Attractive Woman. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN I spent a couple of hours trying to defrost the fridge last night, or foreplay as my husband likes to call it. BAR PATRON I know what you mean. My misses is on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie the other night, and all I did was suggest we hold auditions for her part. Both sake their heads in commiseration as the camera dollies down the bar to: 63 THE LADY'S MAN AND YOUNG GIRL The two are well into their third drink. has been well established. LADY'S MAN That's funny. I never looked at it that way. Sex as a religious experience. Wow! That somehow has always missed me. I look at it as relieving tension. That, too. YOUNG GIRL Like drinking. Camaraderie 63 62
LADY'S MAN If you don't mind me asking you something personal, do you smoke after sex. YOUNG GIRL (she giggles) Once... But my gynecologist said it was an anomaly. (CONTINUED)
4-8-13
48. 63
The Songsters begin to sing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes as the camera pans from the bar to the main entrance. A self-important individual, HIRAM CARUTHERS, enters followed by a supervisor sort, BILL DIRKSON. They head straight to the bar and motion for Harvey to join them. CARUTHERS Have you seen Scott Mancuso? HARVEY He was here a while ago. CARUTHERS Well, where did he go? HARVEY I haven't the foggiest. DIRKSON Think, Harvey, which way did he go when he left? HARVEY I've got a bar full of customers. What makes you think I watch where everybody goes when they leave. BILL Well then, when you see him, tell him that he's fired. Harvey takes a moment to look them both up and down. HARVEY That's something that should come from you, Bill. I'm not your messenger boy. CARUTHERS Listen here, you... HARVEY No, you listen. The guy works for you, not me. And on top of that, I don't work for either of you. So if you're finished, order a drink, or get out of my bar. I'm busy. Caruthers steps back as if slapped in the face.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 63
4-8-13
49. 63
CONTINUED: (2) CARUTHERS (with a sneer) We'll see which of us gets out of this bar. With that, both men leave through the main entrance.
64
CLOSE ON HARVEY Harvey turns and makes his way down the bar and arrives next to Pete and starts preparing a drink, his jaw set, his brow furrowed. Pete, beside him, is washing a set of glasses. PETE Who were those guys? HARVEY A couple of schmucks. PETE Besides that. HARVEY The guy in the business suit is the landscape architect the new owner hired to dress up the outside of this place. Name's Caruthers. He's from L.A. The other one's Bill Dirkson. He's the contractor from Boise that's doing the work. The Young Girl calls out to Harvey. YOUNG GIRL Harvey, be a sweetie and give me a real stiff one, will you. I need it. LADY'S MAN Will I do? Down boy! dog! HARVEY Down, I say! Dead
64
The Lady's Man looks chagrined as Harvey starts to pour a shot of whiskey as Pete once more asks: PETE Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but, then again, neither does milk...
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
50. 64
Pete shakes his head as if trying to understand his own words. Harvey once more looks to heaven for guidance. PETE (CONT'D) (to Harvey) What did they want? MILLIE (from down the bar) Four taps and an onion tini. PETE So what did the two guys want? HARVEY The two what? Pete awaits an answer as Harvey places a shot of whiskey in front of the Young Girl and starts to prepare a vodka martini. Pete, meanwhile, starts to pour beer into a glass from the tap. HARVEY (CONT'D) Oh! The two schmucks. Yeah. They were looking for Scotty. think he's in trouble. (to himself) And maybe I am, too.
PETE Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. Something wicked this way comes. Harvey once more rolls his eyes and plops a toothpickspeared onion into the martini. As the men work, the TV Commentator spiels out the latest news. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) As a part of our service to the community, we wish to let you know that there will be a meeting of The Little Mothers Association at the local Community Church. All wishing to become Little Mothers are asked to see the minister in his private study. CUT TO: 65 THE TV SET Jonny Knight continues with the latest news. (CONTINUED) 65
4-8-13
51. 65
COMMENTATOR (O.S.) And Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale at the Art's Alliance this Sunday. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. CUT TO: 66 ANOTHER SECTION OF THE LOUNGE The Old Man and the Old Woman. The Old Man clutches his cane, the Old Woman her purse. They sit silently and glare at each other. Finally, the Old Man leans forward. OLD MAN Would you get married again if I died? The Old Woman thinks a bit and cocks her head slightly. OLD WOMAN Well, maybe after I grieve for a bit. We all need company, especially in our old age. (pause) Yeah, guess I would. They both sit for a while, letting this sink in. In the background by the upright piano, the bar's chorale group sing an appropriate song. OLD WOMAN (CONT'D) If I died and you remarried, would she live in our house? OLD MAN Well, I've spent a lot of time and money getting the place just the way we like it. I'm not going to get rid of my house so I guess she would. Another silent moment passes. OLD WOMAN If I died and you remarried, and she lived in our house, would she sleep in our bed? OLD MAN That bed's a Tempurpedic. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 66
4-8-13
52. 66
OLD MAN (CONT'D) It cost us 2,500 dollars last year. It'll last a long time so I guess she would. OLD WOMAN Would she get to use my golf clubs? OLD MAN Oh no, she's left handed. The Old Woman once more rears back and lets the Old Man have it with her purse. Camera pans quickly to The Hard Cases, sipping their beers. HARD CASE #1 Don't drink so fast. We haven't got enough to pay for more than one round. HARD CASE #2 Yeah, you're right, but ain't we gonna hold up the place later on? On Hard Case #1's look of confusion, we... CUT TO: 67 THE BAR Where the Campaign Manager is pumping her Political Candidate about her platform. It is obvious that the candidate is by now tilting her sheets windward. CAMPAIGN MANAGER What's your stand on immigration if it comes up in the debate? POLITICAL CANDIDATE I'd follow the lead of Jan Brewer in Arizona. Get a strict antiimmigration bill and send all those illegals back to Los Angeles where they belong. The Campaign Manager gets a blank look on her face. POLITICAL CANDIDATE (CONT'D) I also want to see public restrooms with partitions that (MORE) (CONTINUED) 67
4-8-13
53. 67
POLITICAL CANDIDATE (CONT'D) go clear to the floor. None of that toe-taping crap here in North Idaho. CAMPAIGN MANAGER I see. (her eyes glaze over) And remodeling public buildings? POLITICAL CANDIDATE That's a political football. I think I'll kick that one to Mike Nielsen and see if he can catch it. The Campaign Manager grabs her drink and swallows the entire contents in one gulp. CUT TO: 68 A CORNER IN THE LOUNGE The cloistered couple, Harry and Sally, sit casually sipping their drinks. A YOUNG WOMAN passes by and plants a very big kiss on Harry's lips. She smiles and moves on. Harry looks pleased with himself. Sally, on the other hand, looks furious. SALLY (glaring at the woman) And who the hell was that? HARRY Oh, that... Well... If you gotta know, that's my mistress. SALLY That does it, you low life. want a divorce. I 68
The Songsters begin with Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. HARRY If that's what you really want, you got it. But remember, if you get a divorce there'll be no more shopping trips to New York, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Mercedes in the garage, and no more season tickets to the Spokane Symphony. But the decision is yours. (CONTINUED)
4-8-13
54. 68 Sally 69
Sally sits for a moment, letting this sink in. looks up towards the resort entrance. 69 RESORT ENTRANCE: SALLY'S P.O.V.
A WELL DRESSED MAN and BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN Enter the lounge. 70 BACK TO HARRY AND SALLY SALLY Isn't that Karl? Harry sits up and looks in the direction of the entrance. HARRY Sure is. SALLY Who's that with him? isn't Monica. Nope. It certainly 70
HARRY That's his mistress.
Sally cocks her head to one side, studying the Woman. SALLY Ours is prettier. Camera pans to Mabel and Helen at their table. Millie is placing two more fruity drinks in front of them. MILLIE There you are, Ladies. your drinks. MABEL Thank you, young lady. As Millie moves away, Mabel turns to Helen. MABEL (CONT'D) Sometimes I catch myself with a loaf of bread in my hands and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or make myself a sandwich. The other night I found myself in front of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether to go up or whether I'd just come down. Enjoy
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
55. 70
HELEN Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood. As Helen raps on the table, Mabel looks around as if expecting someone. HELEN (CONT'D) It's just me, Mabel. No one's at the door. Mabel gazes at Helen, an embarrassed look on her face. CUT TO: 71 GROUP OF CONVENTIONEERS They stand in a tight group amongst the packed bodies in the lounge. A WOMAN CONVENTIONEER turns to a HAUGHTY CONVENTIONEER. WOMAN CONVENTIONEER So, where are you from? HAUTY CONVENTIONEER I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition. The first conventioneer takes this in for a moment, then asks once more. WOMAN CONVENTIONEER Okay, so where you from, bitch? Camera catches Millie as she goes by with a tray full of drinks. She moves to the bar past the lobby entrance where we pickup Scott and Margaret entering. The camera follows them to the bar. 72 ANOTHER ANGLE Scott leans in across the bar between two customers. SCOTT (to Harvey) Did that guy ever come in with my drawings? HARVEY Nope. But you've got more than your drawings to worry about. He signals Scott to move down to the end of the bar where it's less crowded. We follow them to: 72 71
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
56.
73
THE EXTREME END OF THE BAR Scott and Margaret join Harvey. HARVEY Your boss and that guy from L.A... SCOTT Caruthers? HARVEY Yeah. They were in here a while ago looking for you. Bill told me to tell you you're fired. What the hell did you do to piss them off? Scott looks shocked. Margaret takes hold of Scott's arm, solace written on her face. MARGARET Oh, Scotty. What'll we do now? SCOTT (to Harvey) Nothing that I know of, I swear. Did they tell you why? HARVEY No. I told them to tell you themselves. It's none of my business, but you better go talk to them. Maybe you can straighten things out. Scott nods and starts to move in the direction of the bathroom. SCOTT I will. Just as soon as I go to the restroom. Scott leaves and Margaret turns to Harvey as the Songsters start with By the Light of the Silvery Moon. MARGARET Poor Scotty. He's having a rough time of it. He doesn't agree with that architect from Los Angeles. HARVEY Don't worry. If he gets laid off, he'll make a comeback.
73
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
57. 73
MARGARET It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere yet. She leaves and moves in the direction where her husband went. CUT TO: 74 ANOTHER ANGLE Harvey watches Margaret leave. Then he turns and makes his way down the bar to where Fred holds out his glass. FRED Another one, Harv. And I'll be right back. I gotta take care of a biological necessity. No sooner does he leave, than a SPORTY MAN slides into Fred's seat. HARVEY That seat's taken, fella. SPORTY MAN It's okay. I'll only be a minute. I wanna show you something. The Man delicately pulls out the handkerchief from his breast pocket, places it on the bar, and slowly opens it. He reaches in and, with his thumb and index finger, delicately removes an unseen object from the center of the cloth. He whisks away the handkerchief and places the unseen object on the bar in front of Harvey. SPORTY MAN (CONT'D) What do you think of that? Isn't she beautiful? Pete comes up and joins Harvey and both bend down to the bar for a better look as the PIANO PLAYER starts to play a Circus Melody. HARVEY (a raised eyebrow) Yeah. A real beaut. SPORTY MAN That's Titina, (MORE) 74
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
58. 74
SPORTY MAN (CONT'D) (pronounced Tee-teena) My trained flea. Watch. She's doing a somersault. Harvey and Pete bend down closer to the bar top and continue to watch as the Sporty Man beams with pride. PETE There's nothing th... HARVEY Yeah. She's quite talented. And that outfit she's wearing, did you make that for her? SPORTY MAN Matter of fact, I did. For a rum and coke, I'll have her do a backward somersault ending with a pirouette. What do you say? HARVEY By all means. The Sporty Man bends in closer to the bar. at Harvey as if he's lost his mind. SPORTY MAN Okay, Titina, routine number three. All three men gaze at a spot on the bar. Now and then, Pete looks from one man to the other. There. SPORTY MAN (CONT'D) Wasn't that incredible? Pete looks
HARVEY Certainly was. Let me get you your drink. Harvey moves to the dispenser section as the Sporty Man makes out putting Titina back in his handkerchief. Pete watches in amazement as Harvey places ice in a tall glass and pours a coke into it. Harvey then places the glass in front of the Sporty Man. HARVEY (CONT'D) That's the smoothest rum we've got. Savor it.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 74
4-8-13
59. 74
CONTINUED: (2) The Sporty Man takes a healthy swallow and turns to Pete and Harvey. SPORTY MAN That's incredible. With a tip of the glass, he moves away from the bar. PETE (to Harvey) But there wasn't any rum in that drink. HARVEY (with a raise of the eyebrows) Incredible! Harvey leaves and goes back to work, leaving Pete in wide-eyed comprehension. PETE (high pitched squeal) Ahhh....Haaa... CUT TO:
75
ANOTHER ANGLE As Fred makes his way through the crowd and back to his seat, a MAN in the background by the alcove approaches Millie and says something to her, his head inclining towards Fred. Millie moves to the bar and waves to Harvey. He joins her. MILLIE A guy just told me one of the toilets is stopped up in the men's room. HARVEY Thanks, Millie. Harvey turns in Fred's direction and then moves to him. HARVEY (CONT'D) Fred, you stopped up the toilet again. Me? FRED Why me?
75
HARVEY Because you did it last time. (CONTINUED)
4-8-13
60. 75
Fred looks mortified, looking from side to side to see if either person is listening. To his good fortune, both parties are engrossed in conversation with their partners for the evening. FRED (whispering) I can't help it, Harvey. I hate that toilet paper you guys use. (pause) And, anyway, the Sandpoint Magazine has such nice sheets; colorful, slick, and smooth. It's like using satin. HARVEY That's the last time, Fred. Okay? It's that, or you're out of here for good. Okay. FRED Sorry about that.
Harvey turns to Pete. HARVEY Call maintenance, will you Pete. Pete moves to the house phone as he recites... PETE So sinks the day-star in the ocean bed, and yet anon repairs his dripping toilet. CUT TO: 76 AT THE BAR The Political Candidate is just taking the last sip of her drink. The Campaign Manager looks on, a look of concern on her face. CAMPAIGN MANAGER You really think that he'll do that? POLITICAL CANDIDATE (slurring slightly) A bureaucrat will defend the status quo long after the status has lost its quo. 76
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
61. 76
CAMPAIGN MANAGER But he's only a surplus store owner. POLITICAL CANDIDATE One step above a junk dealer. He's a good ol' boy. Like every politician, he gets up and says nothing, but his constituency love him for it. Lot of promise. No delivery. CAMPAIGN MANAGER I had one of those once. POLITICAL CANDIDATE He's the kind of politician that if he had cannibals among his constituents, he'd promise them missionaries for dinner. CAMPAIGN MANAGER He's lost almost every election he's ever run in. You're a shoe in. (raising her glass) Here's to our next commissioner. The Political Candidate raises her empty glass, her eyes crossed, her body going limp. POLITICAL CANDIDATE I'll drink to that. With that, she slips gently off her stool and disappears from view. The Songsters begin There's a Tavern In the Town. CUT TO: 77 ALCOVE ENTRANCE TO RESTROOMS Margaret is standing just outside the alcove as she waits for Scott to come out of the restroom. A CRUSTY OLD MAN comes up to her and grabs her by the arm. CRUSTY OLD MAN You're that real estate gal, aren't you? MARGARET Why, yes I am. What can I do for you? 77
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
62. 77
CRUSTY OLD MAN I wanna sell my damn house and buy one of your condos. Margaret can't believe her luck. She shakes her head a couple of times, then addresses the Old Man. MARGARET I'm sorry, but what did you say? CRUSTY OLD MAN I said I wanna sell my goddamn two and a half million dollar lake-front home and buy one of your condos. What's the matter, you got crap in your ears? Just then, IRVING MILLER, the real estate broker for the resort, enters and joins the two. MILLER Good evening, Mrs. Mancuso, what do we have here? MARGARET Mr. Miller. My client here would like to sell his damn... MILLER (shocked) Mrs. Mancuso. Your language. MARGARET ... his damn two and a half million dollar home and buy one of our condos. MILLER No shit. (extending his hand) It's a damn pleasure to meet you, sir. As the three start to get chummy, we: CUT TO: 78 THE BAR - MILLIE'S SECTION Millie, at the end of the bar by the lobby entrance, shouts to Harvey. MILLIE Jesus has come. 78
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
63. 78
HARVEY It's about time. We've been waiting for close to 2,000 years. MILLIE He's not here to save you, he's from maintenance. HARVEY Oh, you mean Hay-sus. Tell him to check out the toilets in the men's room. Millie turns to the short Mexican-American maintenance man and points to the alcove. As Jesus goes in that direction, we pan with him. He gives Fred a curled snarl as he passes. We continue the pan and end up on the Lady's Man and to the Young Girl as Harvey joins them. LADY'S MAN Two more when you have the chance, bartender. HARVEY You don't plan on driving home tonight, do you fella? That's you and the lady's fourth screwdriver. The Lady's Man gets a Cheshire cat grin on his face. LADY'S MAN Not if I can get a room at this hotel. HARVEY Not a chance. They've got a convention going on. There isn't even a closet left empty tonight. The Lady's Man looks desperate. The Young Girl leans in, her eyes bright and shinning. The Songsters start with their rendition of Moonlight Bay. YOUNG GIRL You can always stay at my place. I've got a condo right across the way. LADY'S MAN Great! (pause) But what about your husband?
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 78
4-8-13
64. 78
CONTINUED: (2) YOUNG GIRL I'm not married, silly. That's the way I always start a conversation. A look of realization crosses the Lady's Man's face as he begins to see who's the cat and who's the mouse. The Young Girl hungrily grabs the Lady's Man and drags him toward the main entrance. Pete comes up and joins Harvey. PETE Did he get lucky? HARVEY Depends. Kinda shakes you up when you realize they vote and breed. On Pete's uncomprehending look, we: CUT TO:
79
THE BAR Where the Older Woman and her Young Friend are still having to put up with the Old Guy. OLD GUY (to Young Friend) C'mon. I'll show you how we used to do it in the old days. OLDER WOMAN You mean back in the stone age? OLD GUY You better believe it, baby. He does a Charlie Atlas, showing off his biceps. OLDER WOMAN Those aren't muscles, they're bee stings. OLD GUY It ain't the size, it's the staying power. The Old Guy thrusts his closed fist into the air in emphasis.
79
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
65. 79
OLDER WOMAN The only thing you've got that big is your prostate, and the only staying power you've got is over the toilet. YOUNG FRIEND Have a heart, Franny, the guy's trying so hard. (turning to the Old Guy) C'mon, honey. Let's go see what you've got. The Young Friend leads the Old Guy out of the bar as the Older Woman shakes her head. CUT TO: 80 MABEL AND HELEN They're on their third fruity drink. Mabel has tears in her eyes, while Helen tries to console her. The Songsters start with Pal of Mine. HELEN Now, now, Mabel. We all miss him. He was the salt of the earth and a good guy. MABEL Yes he was. HELEN How exactly did he go? MABEL He had a heart attack. HELEN Yes, I know, but what brought it on? MABEL We were having sex on Sunday morning like always. You know, once a week is recommended by most doctors. HELEN Yes, I know. Go on. 80
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
66. 80
MABEL Well, we got in the practice of doing it to the ring of St. Joseph's bell a block away. It was just the right rhythm. You know, in with the ding, out with the dong, slow and easy like. (she wipes away a tear) And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't gone by at that very moment, he'd still be with us today. Camera pans to the next table with the two Hard Cases. They look uncomfortable as Millie signals them asking if they want another beer. They shake their heads "no" and go on sipping. CUT TO: 81 A CORNER IN THE LOUNGE Sam and Bill are standing in the crowd, occasionally eyeing Millie as she passes. BILL My girlfriend broke up with me last night. SAM How come? BILL I don't know. It was something... SAM Was it that you don't listen? During the following, Bill spends his time canvassing the crowd, presumably searching for the girl of his dreams. BILL What? SAM Did she say that it was because you don't listen? BILL Maybe. I don't know. But it don't matter. I'm going to meet a new girl tonight. 81
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
67. 81
Where?
SAM Here?
BILL What's wrong with this place. It's kinda cool. SAM Would you shop at a supermarket for a television set? BILL Well... No, but... SAM No buts. You don't wanna meet someone at a bar for a long term relationship. BILL I'm going to meet a girl at this bar. Tonight. Right here. SAM No wonder she broke up with you. You don't listen. BILL What. CUT TO: 82 ALCOVE ENTRANCE TO RESTROOMS Scott comes out of the bathroom and looks over the lounge for Margaret. He catches Millie walking past. SCOTT Hey, Millie. You seen Margaret? MILLIE Yeah. She left with that real estate broker and some old man. I think they got a live one. SCOTT (to himself) Great. My wife's career takes off just as mine takes a nose dive. Scott turns and moves to the bar to talk to Harvey. 82
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
68. 82
SCOTT (CONT'D) Harvey, if you see Margaret, tell her that I'll be back as soon as I find Caruthers and my boss. HARVEY Sure thing, Scotty. We see Scott continue to the main entrance as Late Bulletin News Music begins to play. The Commentator can be heard in an excited voice. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) We have news just in. Abby Adenour is in war torn Bonners Ferry. 83 CLOSE ON TV The Commentator looks directly into camera, a look of dire circumstances wall-papered on his otherwise friendly face. COMMENTATOR She's with General Rockmartin, leader of the revolution in that area. The screen changes to one of many men in battle gear standing at attention in the background. In the foreground stands a tall white-haired man in full military gear ala George Patton with ivory-handled pistol. Abby stands next to him with a microphone in his hand as the Songsters in the lounge begin The Colonel Bogey March. ABBY Tell us, general, how goes the battle so far. ROCKMARTIN Not to well, Abby. The enemy are a gutless bunch of cowards. They just refuse to show up. We told 'em... ABBY That's the federal government, is that right? ROCKMARTIN That's them, the dirty sidewinders. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 83
4-8-13
69. 83
ROCKMARTIN (CONT'D) We told them we were willing to lose. All we wanted was some of that cash they lay on losers like Iraq and Afghanistan and all them other places. Why hell, we don't want much. Not even a billion. But they're a no show. It's down right un-American. ABBY (turning to camera) And there you have it. The Bonners Ferry Militia stands ready to engage in honorable combat, but the enemy still refuses to attend the event. Back to you Jonny. The scene changes back to the news desk. COMMENTATOR And that's the latest news from that far away conflict in Bonners Ferry. And now, a commercial break. Music starts as we: CUT TO: 84 MABEL AND HELEN They're on their fourth fruity drink, the little parasols from the previous ones litter the table top. HELEN If you had it to do all over, Mabel, would you have been an atheist? MABEL Hell no. They don't have any holidays. HELEN I suppose all religions are the same. Same guilt... different holidays. MABEL You know, the trouble with them born again Christians is that (MORE) 84
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
70. 84
MABEL (CONT'D) they're a bigger pain in the ass the second time around. CUT TO: 85 THE BAR A regular named ELMER approaches the bar with an inexpensive model of an inflatable, full-sized, female doll. She wears a halter top and a mini skirt. Elmer places her on a stool and slides in next to "her". Harvey leans over the bar and says: HARVEY Got a new date, Elmer? ELMER Yep. HARVEY That gonna be two beers, or just one? ELMER Make it two, Harv. And make sure the glass is clean for my lady friend here. HARVEY Sure thing. In the background, the Songsters start with Oh! You Beautiful Doll. Harvey moves away to get the order as George, sitting on the stool next to the balloon babe, gives "her" the once over as "she" seems to lean in his direction, giving George a look of surprise. GEORGE Hell's fire. What's that? Elmer turns to George and gives him a disdainful look. ELMER This is Stephanie. The most wonderful girl in the world. George gets closer and stares at the doll. GEORGE I bet. Don't look like she'd give you much hassle. Do almost anything you asked. (CONTINUED) 85
4-8-13
71. 85
ELMER (peeved) Everything I asked. George inspects Stephanie's face and notices the round hole where the doll's mouth is. GEORGE How come she don't have teeth? (pause) Oh! George's face takes on a look of embarrassment as the two men sit for a moment, the silence building. George finally turns to Elmer. GEORGE (CONT'D) What if you want to get rid of her? How do you do that? ELMER Why would I want to get rid of my soul mate? GEORGE Well... she's got her hand on my crotch and, well... you might not be the only guy in her life. Elmer looks down and, sure enough, the doll's outstretched arm has her hand in George's lap. ELMER (shocked) Oh my God, Stephanie, what are you doing? GEORGE She's just another cheap hussy. Here, let me solve your problem. George makes a motion under the bar and a pop is heard, followed by a sharp hissing noise as the doll starts to deflate and disappear from view. Elmer is in a state of trauma. Harvey comes up and places two glasses of beer on the bar. He has a look of surprise. HARVEY What happened, Elmer?
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 85
4-8-13
72. 85
CONTINUED: (2) GEORGE He and his lady friend just got a divorce. With that, George reaches over and grabs one of the beers and starts drinking. The Songsters begin with Cuddle Up a Little Closer, Lovey Mine as the camera pans over and picks up the Attractive Woman and the Bar Patron in earnest conversation. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN You did what? BAR PATRON I said I was playing Scrabble with Celeste over at the Monarch Mountain Coffee Shop and accidentally swallowed some tiles while trying to eat a bagel. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Was it painful? BAR PATRON Not really, but Celeste told me to watch out for my next bowel movement. It could spell disaster. CUT TO:
86
ANGLE ON LOBBY ENTRANCE Scott and Margaret enter. first sale. Both are elated over her
86
SCOTT How about we celebrate? Champagne. The best. MARGARET Not just yet. It'll be a while before it comes out of escrow. And I have to find a buyer for the old man's property. Okay. SCOTT If you say so.
He crouches down as if in pain.
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
73. 86
SCOTT (CONT'D) I'll be right back. Gotta go pee. Margaret shakes her head in commiseration. The camera pans off Margaret and settles on Sam and Bill. SAM So what kinda woman do you want to meet? BILL (sheepishly) I don't know? SAM Is there any girl in this place that you like? Bill canvasses the lounge and finally turns back to Bill and shakes his head. SAM (CONT'D) You mean not one girl attracts you? Bill once more shakes his head, then: BILL (embarrassingly) You look kinda cute. On Sam's shocked look, we: CUT TO: 87 TABLE IN CENTER OF LOUNGE Amos and Sylvester sit quietly, sipping their drinks as the hubbub of bar life proceeds around them. Finally, Sylvester comes alive and turns to Amos. SYLVESTER Ya know, Amos, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just so full of aches and pains. Can't seem to piss right anymore. Hell, an all-nighter has come to mean not wakin' up to go to the bathroom during the night. You're about my age. How do you feel? AMOS I feel like a new born baby. 87
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
74. 87 Like a
SYLVESTER You got to be kidding. new born baby?
AMOS Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. Millie approaches and sets two fresh drinks in front of each old man. Then she picks up their empty glasses and places them on her tray. The camera closes in on the tray and begins to follow it as it moves amongst the crowd, finally coming to rest on: 88 THE THREE GUYS standing in the middle of the lounge, drinks in their hands. In the background, the Songsters start to sing I Want a Girl, Just Like the Girl, That Married Dear Old Dad (sung replacing the word "Girl" with the word "Beer"). GUY #1 My wife and I go to dinner twice a week; a nice restaurant a little wine, and some good food. She goes on Tuesdays and I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Mine's here in Sandpoint and hers is in San Francisco. The three shake their heads as if imparting words to live by. GUY #2 I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. The three once more shake their heads. GUY #3 I always hold hands with my wife when we go out. If I don't, she goes shopping. GUY #1 The other day my wife came home and told me the carburetor had water in it. I asked her how in the hell did water get in there and she told me in the lake. More shaking of heads. (CONTINUED) 88
4-8-13
75. 88
GUY #2 About a month ago, my wife went on a coconut and banana diet. Never lost a pound, but she can sure climb a tree. GUY #3 They sure do act funny sometimes. I bought my misses a hamster skin coat for her birthday. When we went to the Spokane County Fair, it took me almost three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. Camera picks up and follows her where Mabel and drinks in front Millie as she walks by the Three Guys to the table by the resort entrance Helen are seated. She places fresh of the women and exits frame.
MABEL Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I can't remember your name just now. I've been sitting here thinking and thinking, but I can't for the life of me remember it. Please. You have to tell me your name? Helen sits rooted to her chair. for the longest time. Then... She glares at Mabel
HELEN How soon do you need to know? CUT TO: 89 AT THE BAR The Bar Patron and the Attractive Woman are just having another drink placed in front of them by Pete. The Patron sets a few bills on the bar and the bartender picks them up with a smile. The Patron turns back to his companion. BAR PATRON So they sent out two of those tree hugger guys and told us that if we wanted to control the coyotes in a more humane way, we should catch the males and castrate the critters. 89
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
76. 89
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN What good would that do? BAR PATRON According to them, once we let the coyotes go, the population would be controlled. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN But I thought the coyotes were eating your chickens, not screwing them. On her determined look, we... CUT TO: 90 THE ALCOVE Scott exits the alcove and the camera follows him down the bar to where he joins Margaret. SCOTT Let's go and find Dirkson. See if I can get a decent reason for them firing me. As they leave the bar and make their way to the lobby entrance, the camera follows them as we pick up the Commentator delivering the nightly news. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Just in from our neighbor to the north, the exotic retreat known as Ponderay. Mr. Mac Winkle of Lost Horse Lane has been arrested on charges of malicious construction without a permit for installing a skylight in his ceiling. When his neighbors on the floor above him complained, he drew his fully automatic assault weapon and proceeded to air out the grievance. 91 AT THE LOBBY ENTRANCE Scott and Margaret exit. The Bellboy, a euphoric look still plastered on his face, rushes in and crosses to the bar where Harvey is preparing drinks. BELLBOY Mrs. Wright is looking for Mr. Mancuso. Have you seen him? 91 90
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
77. 91 He was here a
HARVEY You mean Scotty? while ago...
Harvey looks around, as if trying to locate Scott as the Songsters begin with Harrigan, That's Me. BELLBOY If you see him, would you tell him that Mr. Rudnick wants to talk to him. HARVEY Rudnick? That's the new owner, isn't it? BELLBOY The same. HARVEY What's he like? BELLBOY Seems nice enough. But he didn't tip me when I took his bags up to his room. HARVEY Maybe he was preoccupied. BELLBOY He wasn't even there. HARVEY Then how could he tip you? Bobby stand for a moment as if confused. smile quickly returns. BELLBOY I'm goin' to have to pray on that one. (pause) But you'll tell Scott that the boss is looking for him, won't you? HARVEY Okay, Bobby. But only if I see him. (to himself) What am I? A human Tweet? CUT TO: The euphoric
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
78.
92
THE STUDENTS They're gathered around the table, by now a bit tipsy. Female Student #1 leans forward and looks the Male Student in the eye. FEMALE STUDENT #1 At one time, this great nation of ours had people living in it that had no taxes, no debt, plenty of buffalo, plenty of beaver and clean water. We could roam where we wanted for nothing, and the medicine man was free. Now we have taxes up the ying-yang, we're in debt up to our eyeballs, food and clothing are getting more expensive, gasoline is going sky high, and the cost of health care is out of control. MALE STUDENT #1 And your point? FEMALE STUDENT #1 Point? Who needs a point? I have a rant going here. On the chagrined look of each of the other students faces, we: CUT TO:
92
93
A CORNER IN THE LOUNGE The camera floats through the bar to where the Two Hard Cases are seated. Hard case #2 is squirming in his seat and keeps looking over at Hard Case #1. HARD CASE #2 We gonna do it? Yeah. HARD CASE #1 You ready?
93
Hard case #2 squirms even harder. HARD CASE #2 I think so. Hard case #1 gives him a questioning look. HARD CASE #1 What do you mean, you think so?
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
79. 93 His hands begin a
Hard Case #2 looks embarrassed. wringing motion. HARD CASE #2 I gotta take a dump.
Hard Case #1 gets an incredulous look on his face. HARD CASE #1 Were you going to tell me this during the hold up, or leave a deposit when we left? Hard Case #2 tries to muster a smile of appeasement. HARD CASE #1 (CONT'D) Go use the restroom, dummy. Hard Case #2 gets up from his seat and gingerly minces his way to the alcove. As the camera follows him, we hear the Songsters begin Scarborough Fair. CUT TO: 94 95 OMITTED:91 THE BAR The Old Guy approaches the Older Woman, her Young Friend clutching his arm. OLD GUY Congratulate us. We're getting married. OLDER WOMAN You're kidding! Nope. rich. YOUNG FRIEND Turns out he really is 94 95
OLDER WOMAN I can see where that would change things. But remember, honey, money can't buy love. YOUNG FRIEND Yeah, I know, but it sure does make a hell of a down payment. OLDER WOMAN You do know that I saw him first.
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
80. 95
YOUNG FRIEND Yeah. But I've seen a lot more of him. OLD GUY Ladies. Ladies, there's enough for all. He offers Woman has slips off women are his other arm to the Older Woman. The Older a slightly confused look on her face, but her stool and takes the offered arm. Both now in a total state of confusion.
OLDER WOMAN Where are we going? OLD GUY We're moving to Utah! As they march off towards the main entrance, we catch Scott coming through the entrance and crosses to the bar. CUT TO: 96 LOBBY ENTRANCE The Songsters are in full swing with Jolly Good Fellow and the lounge clientele joins in. Bobby, the Bell Boy, enters the lounge and spots Scott. He rushes back out in the direction of the registration desk. Camera pans to catch Millie as she picks up Mabel and Helen's empty glasses and places them on her tray. She comes up to Hard Case #1 who is waiting for his partner. MILLIE You guys ready for another? Naw. HARD CASE #1 We're good. 96
Camera follows Millie as she makes her way to the bar and begins putting the glasses on the bar for Harvey to pickup. MILLIE There's something not right with those two guys over by the lobby entrance. Harvey looks in the direction of the entrance. (CONTINUED)
4-8-13
81. 96
HARVEY The two wannabee gangbangers? MILLIE Yeah. HARVEY What do you think? MILLIE They've each been nursing a beer for the last two hours, and neither one has hit on any of the girls in here. They seem to be waiting for something to happen. HARVEY Yeah, and I think I know what it is. Harvey turns to Pete. HARVEY (CONT'D) Call the police, will you Pete. I think we got ourselves a situation building here. Pete goes immediately to the phone. CUT TO: 97 MAIN ENTRANCE Caruthers and Bill Dirkson enter the lounge and spot Scott. They move with purpose to his side. DIRKSON We've had a hard time finding you, Mancuso. SCOTT I've been all over trying to find you. You want to tell me why I'm fired. CARUTHERS Your job is to plant shrubs, not plant ideas in my client. SCOTT I don't even know your client. EXECUTIVE (O.S.) Yes you do. (CONTINUED) 97
4-8-13
82. 97
All three men turn and see RUDNIC standing behind them. The Bellboy is two steps behind the Executive. It's you. SCOTT Where are my designs?
RUDNIC I showed them to Caruthers here. I thought you had some great ideas. CARUTHERS I have to disagree. There's nothing outstanding in those designs, Elliott. It'll end up looking like the place was built into the forest. SCOTT Exactly. CARUTHERS Ridiculous. There's no style. No grandeur. Nothing to attract the eye. RUDNIC (looking at Scott) But we're not a Las Vegas style gambling joint. Scott begins to get a smile on his face. souls. CARUTHERS Well, if you're going to insist on these changes, I feel it my duty to my reputation to withdraw my services. RUDNIC (to Caruthers) Your resignation is noted and accepted. Caruthers turns sharply on his heels and makes for the main entrance. RUDNIC (CONT'D) (turning to Scott) How much work will it be to turn your concept into a reality. Kindred
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 97
4-8-13
83. 97
CONTINUED: (2) SCOTT We could do it with one of the local landscapers and still have it all in by winter. RUDNIC (to Bill) That leaves you without a position, Mr. Dirkson. DIRKSON I've got a contract. I'll sue.
RUDNIC I'm counting on it. Disclosure in a civil suit is mandatory and I've been curious for some time now as to why all the plants you're putting in have to come from a certain nursery in California. Dirkson suddenly looks extremely uncomfortable as the Songsters begin to sing Oh My Darling Clementine. RUDNIC (CONT'D) I believe we've said all there is to say on the matter. Wouldn't you agree? Dirkson decides that retreat is the better option and quickly makes for the main entrance. RUDNIC (CONT'D) (to Scott) Well, Mr. Mancuso, you gave me the tool I've been looking for for the past three weeks. I'd have been tied to those two without a replacement this late in the season. SCOTT You mean those guys have been buying their own plants. RUDNIC And charging me exorbitant prices to boot. Rudnic turns and catches sight of Bobby. He digs in his pocket and comes up with a couple of bills which he passes to the young bellman.
(CONTINUED)
WHITE Revision 97
4-8-13
84. 97
CONTINUED: (3) RUDNIC (CONT'D) You did good, son. I appreciate it. Bobby stands with an angelic-like smile on his face and suddenly turns his head to heaven. BELLBOY Answered prayers. He goes off in a state of euphoria. RUDNIC (to Scott) Is he alright? SCOTT Yes, sir. He just got born earlier this evening. On Rudnic's confused look we: CUT TO:
98
WIDE SHOT OF LOUNGE All of a sudden, the Hard Cases stand from their table by the large windows. One has a gun. HARD CASE #1 Okay, you bunch of weenies. This is a hold up. HARD CASE #2 Be quiet and hand over your cash and nobody'll get hurt. HARD CASE #1 (shouting) That goes for you too, bartender. Empty the cash register. A woman jumps up from her chair at one of the tables and shouts: WOMAN AT TABLE My God, he's got a gun! A heavyset REDNECK, wearing a T-shirt with the letters "NRA" blazoned on the front and back, jumps to his feet and faces the Woman. REDNECK He's got a God-given right to bear arms.
98
WHITE Revision
4-8-13
85.
99
ANGLE ON PROFESSIONAL MAN AND BUSINESS WOMAN The Woman rises from her seat and points a finger at the Redneck. BUSINESS WOMAN And what God-given right gives nut cases the right to cause havoc in our society? The Man also stands. PROFESSIONAL MAN (to the Woman) Now wait a minute. Is that the seventh commandment or the second amendment? Let's not trample the constitution by bringing God into this. The crowd begins to snicker as the battle over gun control brings in more opinionated patrons.
99
100
TIGHT TWO SHOT ON THE HARD CASES They look at each other in bewilderment. ANOTHER VOICE (O.S.) I'm not going to give up my guns for no Democrat. The end is near. We gotta repent.
100
101
WIDER ANGLE Everyone ignores the two Hard Cases who stand, rooted to the spot, not knowing what to do. The Old Man at the next table stands and points his cane at the two Hard Cases. OLD MAN You boys hold on to your rights. This ain't Russia. The Old Woman jumps to her feet, grabs the cane out of the Old Man's hand and swings it over her head to give the Old Man a whack. In so doing, she hits Hard Case #1 on the head. The Hard Case drops the gun and crumbles to the floor as Hard Case #2 rushes to his side. The Old Woman starts beating them about the head and chases them towards the main entrance.
101
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
86. 101
OLD MAN (CONT'D) They've got rights. CROWD Go get 'em, Granny... That'll teach them to mess with a senior citizen... Give 'em hell, ma. The two Hard Cases get to the doors just as TWO POLICEMEN enter. They grab the two men as the Old Woman continues to beat them. POLICEMAN Okay, lady. We've got 'em. (shouting to Harvey) These the guys? HARVEY None other. The Policeman shoves the two Hard Cases out the door with the help of the Other Policeman. The crowd applauds, hoots and howls. The Old Woman takes a bow and proudly returns to her table. CUT TO: 102 ON RUDNIC AND SCOTT Rudnic turns to Scott, a look of incredulity on his face. RUDNIC Does that happen often? SCOTT You mean the attempted holdup, or the reaction by the customers? RUDNIC The crowd... The old lady... SCOTT You're in the Northwest, Mr. Rudnic. We don't take kindly to sharing at a point of a gun. Margaret comes up and joins the two. with Scott's. SCOTT (CONT'D) Honey, this is Mr. Rudnic, the new owner. He's asked me to take over the landscaping. Her arm entwines 102
(CONTINUED)
4-8-13
87. 102
MARGARET (elated) That's wonderful. Welcome to North Idaho, Mr. Rudnic. Now we'll be able to take care of his plumbing. Scott crouches over, seemingly in pain. Sorry. SCOTT I'll be right back.
He rushes for the restroom alcove. RUDNIC (concerned) Maybe my plumbing contactor can be of some help. MARGARET Not unless he's an urologist. Rudnic is once more graced with a confused look. They continue to talk as the camera pulls back and up to reveal the entire lounge with all its customers drinking and enjoying each others company. The Songsters start with an appropriate tune as the camera moves among the patrons as we hear the Commentator. COMMENTATOR (O.S.) And that brings our programming to a close for this evening. This is Jonny at KRAP News, your 24/7 coverage of world events, coming to you from friendly Sandpoint, Idaho. Tune in tomorrow for the latest news and specials. The camera comes to rest on the TV screen. 103 CLOSE ON TV COMMENTATOR For now, a good-night to all and thank you for spending the evening with us. As the Commentator finishes, the camera once more begins to roam amongst the patrons. Bill and Sam can be seen leaving the establishment hand-in-hand, euphoric smiles on their faces. End credits begin. Amongst the crowd, Scott returns and can be seen engaging Rudnic and Margaret in conversation, Millie darts from one customer to another, and Harvey (CONTINUED) 103
4-8-13
88. 103
patiently listens to a sad story from one of the regulars. FADE OUT:

Harveys Place Shooting Script 4-8-13

Загружено:

Сведения о документе

Авторское право

Доступные форматы

Поделиться этим документом

Поделиться или встроить документ

Параметры публикации

Этот документ был вам полезен?

Это неприемлемый материал?

Авторское право:

Доступные форматы

Harveys Place Shooting Script 4-8-13

Загружено:

Авторское право:

Доступные форматы

HARVEY'S PLACE

by The Sandpoint Comedy Group

WHITE Revision 2 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 4 CONTINUED:

CLOSE UP ON HARVEY Harvey watches, a grimace on his face. CUT TO:

WHITE Revision 9 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 10 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 13 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 15 CONTINUED:

11. 15 A group singing songs CUT TO:

the popular drinking hole. filters through.

WHITE Revision 18 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 22 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 25 CONTINUED:

CONTINUED: (3) Thanks. EXECUTIVE I'll do that.

WHITE Revision 27 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 29 CONTINUED:

PROFESSIONAL MAN Seymore Butkus.

WHITE Revision 32 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 33 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 34 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 39 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 40 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 41 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 42 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 49 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 50 CONTINUED:

PRIEST How nice of you, Harvey. what I needed.

WHITE Revision 51 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 54 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 55 CONTINUED:

41. 55 He's got a

CONTINUED: (2) HELEN I guess it's okay. wooden leg.

WHITE Revision 56 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 57 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 58 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 59 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 61 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 63 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 64 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 65 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 66 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 67 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 68 CONTINUED:

HARRY That's his mistress.

WHITE Revision 70 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 73 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 74 CONTINUED:

HARVEY Because you did it last time. (CONTINUED)

WHITE Revision 75 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 76 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 77 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 78 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 79 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 80 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 81 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 82 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 83 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 84 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 85 CONTINUED:

He crouches down as if in pain.

WHITE Revision 86 CONTINUED:

WHITE Revision 87 CONTINUED:

SYLVESTER You got to be kidding. new born baby?