Heart

by: Rebecca Carefoot Adrenaline rushed through me like some kind of drug. I had the momentum, I had the skill, I beat him back. This was it. This was what all these months had been building to. I was finally going to kill Angelus, stab him through and through. Saving the world was an added bonus, but killing him was the main event. I found that I was almost eager. I was ready. I'd finally let go of my Angel. The ritual was just another lost hope, and I'd had too many of those. There was no hope. Angel was gone and I was about to drive this cold steel through his body. I was going to send him to hell. I could do it. I was finally strong enough. And as I moved to strike, he gasped. A gasp of pain, surprise. Oh God, I hear it in my ears even now as the scene replays itself in my mind yet again. He looked up at me, and I saw the golden glow in his eyes. I knew what it meant, even though I couldn't have known. My heart leapt into my throat the way it does now, and I swallowed nervously. It was a trick. It had to be a trick. Then he looked up at me and his eyes were filled with tears. And it really was him...my Angel. He looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and with...love. Oh God. It was him. He was back. I dreamed it so many times, I saw those eyes in dreams. I'd been wishing for him to look at me like that for so long. It was a dream. It had to be a dream. And he spoke my name. I could try to deny it, but in my heart I knew it was him. He had come back to me. I wanted to believe, but I had to be sure. He sounded so confused, so lost. I listened to his words, his voice, all the while still holding my sword. I had been so ready, but after hearing him the sword drooped awkwardly in my hands. His name escaped my lips, and with that one breath I accepted him. In those months without him, I had gone over and over it in my mind. If I were to get him back somehow, what would I do? Would I be able to forgive him? Would I be able to separate him from the crimes the demon had committed? They were crimes that weren't really his fault. Rationally I knew that. But my soul had been so abused by the person that wore his face. Would I be able to see past the pain and betrayal? In that one instant, as his name fell from my lips, I knew the answers. Yes, I could forgive him. My love for him was bigger than any pain, bigger than any doubt. In that moment I accepted him back fully and completely, no restictions, no conditions. Just love. That's all I felt. No anger, no fear. Love.

I thought that he would ask me for forgiveness, that he would be incapacitated by guilt. I know him. I know how he beats himself up. I know how he accepts all the blame for his past crimes. So I expected him to look at me with pain. But it was confusion, innocence that filled his face. He didn't remember. Any of it. To him things were just as they had been before. Before we... And for me it became the same way. It was as though the past few months had never happened. There was no wall, no pain between us. He saw I was hurt, wrapped me in his arms. I could have laughed, if it weren't so strange, so sad. I had to remind myself that he had become a new person. He couldn't remember that it was his hand that had drawn my blood. But he would. Somehow I knew that too. God, it was really him and he held me in his arms. It felt so good. It felt so right to be near him, to be held by him. I thought I could stand that way forever. He held me like he used to hold me, before. And I could cry, because I had been so sure I would never be held by him again. I could have cried from pure happiness, because I had been so sure I would never feel his familiar strength enfold me. It almost worked. Being held in his arms always made me feel safe, as if nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Being held by him this time, after waiting so long, was amazing. I just wanted to enjoy it, to allow myself to heal. His arms almost drove reality away, but that stupid demon Akawhatever had to open his mouth. I saw it opening and beginning to suck the world into hell, and I knew what I had to do. Whistler had told me. One blow, send them both to hell. NOT FAIR! Not fair. I had him back. My Angel. After all this time. And now I had to kill him, because it was my duty, because I had to save the world. But maybe I didn't feel like saving the world. Maybe I wanted one goddamn moment of fucking happiness. Was that too much to ask? I guess it was. My mind was whirling like crazy, stumbling over what must be done. He had no idea, like a poor innocent lamb led to the slaughter. At least he would never know...what he had done. He would never know about Miss Calendar...or the things he had said to me..the hatred. God, give me strength. How do you do something like that? How do you kill your lover, the man that you love more than any one in the world? You do it because you have to. I kissed him. I had to feel his lips on mine. It was the last time. I knew that, and as he

kissed me back, it was almost too much to bear. I wanted nothing more than to just let him kiss me. Who cared about the stupid world? It had taken everything from me. Did it have to have him too? Lips on lips. His hands on me one last time. My body awakened to him like it always had. His kisses. I'll never feel them again. I reveled in that kiss. One last time. My arms slipped around him because I wanted him close. I wanted to hold on to him for as long as I could. I wanted him. I still want him. I need him. But I knew what I had to do. I've known since the moment I discovered that the curse was broken. I was prepared to kill Angelus. I wanted to kill him. But Angel..my Angel. I had to do it. I know that. But that doesnt make it hurt any less. That doesn't take the knife out of my heart. The knife that slips in deeper each time I remember. He was so trusting. He closed his eyes the moment I asked. No questions. He always trusted me more than he trusted himself. He always believed in me. The knife in my heart twists when I remember the look on his face as I slipped the sword home. That look still tears me apart. A look of confusion, fear, and betrayal. His eyes asking me why. His voice speaking my name so softly, so questioningly. I didn't have an answer for those eyes. I couldn't explain it to him. Saving the world wasn't a good enough explanation for those eyes. His arm stretched out to me. Sometimes I catch hold of it in my dreams and draw him back to me. I wish that I had caught it in mine then. Not to bring him back to me, but to go with him. I should have gone with him, but I didn't. I just stood there looking into those eyes. The eyes that I will never see again. Then he was gone, and I was alone. I will never feel his arms around me, never cry on his shoulder, never see that smile of his that turns the corners of his mouth up again. I will never feel his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth, his strong hands on my body again. I will never again hear those words that he spoke to me only twice. *I love you.* He loved me and I killed him. But I loved him too. And I hope that where ever he is now, he knows that. And I hope he knows why I did it. I hope he understands. I hope he realizes if he is in hell, I am in hell too. This Earth is hell without him. I am in my own personal hell, knowing that I will never see him again. I would give anything. Anything but the world I suppose. Not that I have anything left to give. But I wouldn't mind giving up anything else, if I had him.

Angel, my Angel. I am so sorry. I am so lonely without you. I thought I was used to it. I thought that Angelus had taught me to hate. I thought that I didn't need you anymore. I was wrong. Because now I know that all the time I thought I was getting over you, I was still holding that shred of hope that you could be returned to me. And that shred made this world worth struggling in. But now that hope is gone. All it took was one moment with you to erase all the hatred that it took Angelus months to teach me. Please Angel where ever you are, forgive me. Know that I am in so much pain without you. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going. All I know is the pain. You left me once because I made you happy. But you made me happy too, more happy than anyone else in the world ever could. Without you there is nothing but sadness. I wish I could have faith in goodness again. I wish that I could believe that what is just and fair will win out, and this Earth is worth fighting for. But what happened to you..to us wasn't fair or good or just. They've asked too much of me. I always gave. I complained, but I always gave. I even gave me own life. But to ask me to give yours. It's too much. I don't think I can do it anymore. I can't do it without you. One moment of heaven, seeing you again, being in your arms. And an eternity of hell..for both of us. But I wouldn't trade it. I'll remember...always. And I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with you for anything. I hope you know that. I will always love you. Always. the end *Your love is better than chocolate, better than anything else that I've tried.* Sarah McLachlan...Ice Cream.

"From the heart of hell, I stab at thee" Captain Ahab, Moby Dick

Hell
by: Rebecca Carefoot I didn't know how it happened. I sent her flying backwards over the stone table. I had her in the corner, unarmed. What a feeling to have the Slayer cower before me. She was completely helpless, or so I thought. And then somehow before I could even blink, my sword was stopped by her hand; and then it was flying back at me. As she beat me back, I remember thinking that I needed to find some way to take her with me. Or at the very least, buy some time so that even if she killed me, she would find herself in hell. I wanted her dead. But I couldn't stop her. She was too quick, too strong. And suddenly I was on my knees, and her arm was drawn back prepared to strike my death blow. And then all thought of my imminent death, or my desire for hers, were swept away under a wave of pain tingling throughout my body. It filled my body up and emptied my mind. Confusion took over as I looked at the floor between my hands. Where was I? What was going on? I had no idea, and that scared me. But when I looked up through the tears that filled my eyes, I was filled with calm. Seeing her always filled me with a sense of peace. She was, is, the most beautiful thing I have seen or ever will see. Her name. I said it without even realizing it. Buffy stood before me and I knew that things would be all right. Together we could get through anything. She was holding a sword. Something important must have been going on. I thought I had been knocked out in the battle. That would explain my muddled thoughts. I asked her where we were, what was going on. But she looked at me like she had seen a ghost. Then she spoke my name, so softly. It was almost as if she couldn't believe it was me. My eyes drank her in. My anchor in a sea of confusion. I noticed the cut on her arm, and concern replaced the confusion. I held her in my arms, assuring myself that she was real, that she was ok. It was the strangest feeling. Her body felt almost unfamiliar in my arms, as if I hadn't held her in the longest time. Then she relaxed, sighing softly into my ear. Suddenly it felt right. It felt perfect. It was her, of course it was perfect. She shifted in my arms, and I could tell that something was wrong. I tried to remember. Something must be happening. I needed to remember; I needed to protect her. I tried to ask her again. I thought it might help to jog my memory. But she silenced me. Then she kissed me, hungrily, desperately.

I returned her kiss gladly. Maybe I had been imagining things, I thought. Being there in her arms, I felt content. My anxiety disappeared. She had her arm around me, and I held her close. She has always been my comfort. *I love you.* She spoke those words, whispered them into my ear. My heart pounds a little harder when I think of it, even now. I love her so much. Those words mean more than anyone could imagine. To hear her say them is the most amazing gift that I could ever be given. My answer was immediate, a given. I loved her. I still love her. I will always love her. There is no doubt, there never has been. I knew that the minute I first saw her, and each second I have spent with her, or watching her, since then has deepened my love for her. She told me to close my eyes. I didn't understand. There was so much I didn't see...I couldn't see. But she knew what I didn't. I believed that. She knew what to do. It didn't matter what she was planning. I am hers to command. I always have been. I closed my eyes. The feel of her lips on mine, of her tears touching my face is the thing I remember more than the pain of the steel as it entered my body. Then the energy surrounded me, coursed through me. It was like being struck by lightening twenty times all at once. Pain. My body was electrified by the pain. But I've never cared about my body hurting. What truly hurt was seeing that sword sticking out of my body and knowing that she was the one to strike the blow. I wanted to be angry. But I couldn't muster the energy. I was exhausted by sorrow. I was betrayed. I felt small and stupid. How could I have believed that she would love me? I am a monster, the most hideous of all creatures. She is the most beautiful, the most good. How could she ever love a thing of evil? I felt I should have known, but I believed her. I thought she spoke the truth when she told me she loved me. It hurt more than a million swords to stretch out my hand to her and see her back away, watching my destruction wide-eyed. I spoke her name. It was a question. Why? She didn't answer, the fear in her eyes didn't tell me what I needed to know. I tried to remember. There had to be a reason. Then the pain stopped, and I was surrounded by darkness. There was nothing. Nothing but the memories. Yes, my memory returned. Too late, just as my soul was returned to me too late. I understand it all now. It hurts worse now, than it did to think I had been betrayed. It hurts because now I am alone in the blackness with nothing but my memories. Memories of hurting people. Hurting my friends. Hurting her. I would give my life a hundred times over to take it all back. If only I had known that the

curse could be broken. Things would have been different. I would never have approached her in that dark alley, never would have given her the cross, never would have kissed her that first time. I had no right. I know this. I feel this. I should have done the right thing and stayed in the shadows. But I was selfish. I wanted to hear her say my name. I wanted to feel her small hand in mine. I wanted to know what it felt like to hold her close. I wanted to know what her lips tasted like. More than anything I wanted to know what it felt like to hear her say she loved me, and mean it. I'm so sorry, Buffy. I don't deserve you. I never have. I had no right to enter your life. No right to think that my love made me worthy. Look what's come of it. Death and destruction. I can't even think of my crimes, the killing, the pain. I have an eternity to think on it. It is too much to bear. I ignore it, suppress it as much as I can until I can grow strong enough to face it. Oh God...Jenny...poor Giles. Hide the guilt, and the pain. Don't think. So many I have killed. They run together in my mind. But I can't think about that now. I hurt Buffy. I can't supress that. I don't want to. That is the worst thing of all. I love her more than anything. She was the only person that could make me happy. And I hurt her. When I close my eyes I still see the pain in her eyes, the tightness of her lips as she listened to the taunts from my mouth, as she took the blows from my fists. I see the changes in her that are my fault, my responsibility. Guilt isn't enough. My pain is nothing. She sent me to hell. I know now why. It was my own fault. I opened the portal; my blood had to close it. She did her duty. She is the Slayer first and foremost. I am proud of her. She is stronger than I will ever be. I can only hope that my punishment will bring her some relief. I can only hope that it will allow the others to think of me a little more kindly. I pray that she will find it in her heart to think of me with something less than hatred. I am so sorry. Because when I think back with the knowledge that I have now...I realize even in dying, or in leaving her, I have hurt her. The way she held me so tightly, not wanting to let me go. The look in her eyes as she drove the sword home. I saw the pain in her eyes. She blames herself. My greatest crime was making her love me. I could not help myself, could not keep myself from loving her. But if I had not been so selfish, she never would have loved me. She would have been spared the pain. It's a testament to my selfishness that I can't let her go, even now. Behind my words, the

truth is if I had it to do again I would probably do it all the same. Those moments with her... They are worth everything to me. Every second was worth a million years of solitude, a million years of pain...but only my pain. They are not worth causing her pain. I should have done more...done something. But how do you tell someone that they are everything? How do you express the fact that without them you are truly nothing? I love you isn't enough. It doesn't begin to express how much I need her, love her, want her, miss her. I loved her with every particle of my being, and it wasn't enough. Nothing I could give her would ever be enough to express the depths of my feeling. All I had to give her was my love, my self. She deserves so much more. And the pain I caused her outweighs any happiness I might have given her. I hope I did give her a little happiness. Ever selfish. I hope that she knows how much I love her. I hope she still loves me...even just a little. Though I cannot imagine why she would. I hope she knows that I don't blame her for doing what she had to. I hope she doesn't blame herself. I hope she knows that I deserve to be in hell...for the atrocities I have committed...and most of all for the hurt I have caused her. I hope she knows that she could kill me over and over and I would still love her. I hope she knows that without her I am nothing. I hope that she misses me...just a little. I miss her so much. And in this I am selfish again. It does my heart good to think that she might miss me, that she might still love me. At the same time I wish that she could forget all about me. Missing me just adds to her pain, and heaven knows she has had too much pain at my hands. I would give anything to be with her. To hold her again. To hear her speak to me of the little things, the way her day went, the latest vampire she had killed. Just to hear her voice, look into her eyes, touch her skin. I don't deserve it. I know that. But I can't stop myself from wanting to be with her. I can't stop my heart from leaping when I think about the fact that she did love me. I am a liar and a hypocrite, because while I say that I would give anything to take away her pain, I wouldn't give up a single moment of the time that I spent with her. I can't let go of her. I can't let go of the memories. I'm so weak, and I need her so much. I hate myself for wanting her love when I know it hurts her. I hate myself, but I am too weak to act on that hatred. I am too weak to give her up. Oh, Buffy, forgive me for the pain I've caused you. Forgive me for ever showing my face to you, for giving in to the love I felt. I should have known better. I should have protected you. Instead I find myself in hell...and there can be no truer hell than this one. I am separated from you. My only one...my reason for living. I am completely alone. Alone with my

thoughts, my memories. My guilt. I deserve all of it. I do, and I can almost revel in the pain because it is no more punishment that I should receive. I would cry if I thought it would help. I would scream and rage. I would kill myself again and again if it could take back all the death and pain I have caused. I swear to you, Buffy, that my intentions were honorable. I wanted to help you, protect you. I never dreamed that this would be the result. I loved you, truly and more deeply, than I have ever loved anyone in my life. You are, were, my life. You don't know this about me. I never told you. But I was truly nothing before I saw you. I was pathetic, hungry, dirty, weak. I was on death's doorstep, and I would have welcomed death at that point. But then I saw you. Beautiful you, as you met your first Watcher. There was something about you that mesmerized me. And then I stood outside your window and peeked in, watching you look at yourself in the mirror. I watched your eyes as you listened to your parents fight, as you fought the knowledge of what you were. As I watched, the most remarkable thing happened. I had not cared for anything in years. But seeing you there. I cared. I wanted to take the pain away; I wanted to wipe the tears from your eyes. I fell in love at that moment. Emotion, so sweet and alien filled me. I cared so much it brought tears to my eyes. From that moment I have tried to always be there, to protect you, to watch your back in a fight, to be shoulder to cry on. It was hard in the beginning. I know what I am, and I knew that I shouldn't get you involved with me. But I wanted to much to speak to you, to touch you. Slowly I gave in. It was wonderful, those months we had together. Every moment we shared was precious. Every time we kissed or touched, every time I heard your voice, I was reminded of how lucky I was. Any man that has your love is the luckiest man alive. I was that man for a while and no matter what else happens, I am so grateful for that gift. Your love. I want so much to come back to you. I want to find some way out of here. There has to be a way. I tell myself that. I don't know if it's a lie or not. And I don't know what would happen if did find a way out. Would you want me back, after all I've done to you? Part of me hopes that you would find it in your heart to love me. The less selfish part of me knows that the best thing would be for you to move on. I will understand if you do move on. I will be proud of your strength again. But while I know it would be best for you, it would kill me to know that you no longer love me. I hope you know that I will always love you. That I have never blamed you for any of this. I hope you know that I will never love another the way I love you. I know I never will. I wouldn't even want to. the end

"Will we burn in heaven like we do down here?" Sarah McLachlan...Witness