The following are only learned from college

1. Quarters are like gold. 2. Be creative in the dining hall. 3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc. 4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket. 5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. 6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos 7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries. 8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.) 9. Showers become less important. 10. Sleep becomes more important. 11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some! 12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them..."). 13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker). 14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new). 15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before. 16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol. 17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes. 18. You begin to nap again (also not new). 19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class? 21. Labs used to be fun. 22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated. 23. Squirt guns equal stress relief. 24. E-mail becomes your second language. 25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies. 26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend. 27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you. 28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you. 29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you. 30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim. 31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. 32. Roadtrip whenever possible. 33. Pick up all new lingo. 34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them. 35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology. 36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before. 37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that. 38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush. 39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays. 41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew. 42. It was never this bad when you got sick. 43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered. 44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room. 45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not! 46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together. 47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size. 48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow. 49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace. 50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time. 51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions. 52. Any game can be made into a drinking game. 53. Disney movies are more than just classics. 54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it. 55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible. 56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages. 57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day. 58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled. 59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga. 61. You almost forget how to drive. 62. You'll drink anything if it's free.. 63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced. 64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class. 65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down. 66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance. 67. You never realized how cool you can be. 68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before. 69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study. 70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before. 71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies. 72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring. 73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore. 74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties... 75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria. 76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now. 77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes. 78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not). 79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12). 81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty. 82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days. 83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare. 84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat. 85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average. 86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes. 87. Classes: the later the better. 88. The cute girls actually talk to you now. 89. Care packages make it all worthwhile. 90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home. 91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding. 92. You just don't learn last names. 93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof. 94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class. 95. Card games never lasted for hours before. 96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it. 97. Boys will dance in college. 98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home. 99. You are never alone. 100. You find out what beer sludge is.

101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds. 102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing. 103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material. 104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house. 105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies. 106. You never realized how quiet your house was. 107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them. 108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them. 109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them. 110. Your life will never be the same again.

2. Fun things to do on the first day of class

3. This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these

things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class. 1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch. 11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units. 13. Sing your questions. 14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme. 15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry." 16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly. 17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it. 18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so. 19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". 20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken. 21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips. 22. Address the professor as "your excellency". 23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking. 24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class. 29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you. 30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 31. Watch the professor through binoculars. 32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall. 33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout. 34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!" 35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering. 37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway. 38. Claim that you wrote the class text book. 39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!" 40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students. 41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room. 42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers. 43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?" 45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat. 46. Wink at the professor every few minutes. 47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts. 48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh. 49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell. 50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

4. Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers

5. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

6. Freshmen versus seniors

7. Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.

Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

8. Fifty fun things to do during an exam

9. You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant

for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar

as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen

the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Police text message jokes

Im @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me possession of good looks.im doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up! i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag, Then do not worry cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas! Smilin is infexous u catch it lik d flu.wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin 2.now im infectd iv sent it thru dis txt.so now ur smiling who wil it go2 next? Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.2 have & 2 hold.4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes.in text messaging & in poor signal.til low battery do us part? girls are like phones. we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button ull be disconnected! A good friend is like a good bra hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

THE NHS REGRETS TO INFORM U THAT UR BIRTH WAS AN ACCIDENT.PLEASE REPORT TO UR NEAREST HOSPITAL TO BE PUT DOWN.WE APOLOGISE 4 ANY INCONVINIENCE Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and dont annoy me for the next 12 months!!!! why do i text u? its my choice its my way of sayin dat i remembr u. why do i remembr u? il neva know its not my choice its my hearts. Last nite I lay in bed looking at the stars- the beautiful sky and the endless horizon.& suddenly I thoughtwhere on earth is my roof? If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT? Theres an urgent meeting in the jungle! Everyones there.. lions, tigers, cheetas and ape, but the meetin cant start because the monkey is reading this text God made butter god made cheese god made you for me to squeeze god made whiskey god made pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY! Its important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. Its also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass! i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg! Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, im playin cards n im missin the joker!! Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty. so the world needs YOU after all! Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster A girl phoned me the other day and saidCome on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesnt it rain on you? i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window I look down & den i lauf again

News flash text message jokes

NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off. *NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand! *NEWSFLASH* A woman was found dead in her home 2day!She was discoverd in her bath tub which was filled with milk & conflakes.the police suspect a cerial killer! *NEWSFLASH* Police r lookin 4 a suspect whos smart sexy witty & very gorgeous- theyve already eliminated u from the enquiry (where do you think i shood hide?) NEWFLASH tell all ur female m8s dat u can get 1000 tampons for 1.No strings attacthed but 4 limited period.Its a bloody good deal!
Reasons Y text message jokes

4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog! 3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds! Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums on the market! Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem! Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of crap 5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!
Wrong person text message jokes

wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox! This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed .oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said! I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

Those innocent eyes Those kissable lips A great smile The perfect walk Smoothest talk Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u? Youre Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact youre becoming more like me everyday! Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number! Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number
Warning text message jokes

Children playin outside cars can cause accidents.but adults playin inside cars can cause children by accident! Boys should tell their trousers that it s rude to point be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top Be friendly to your children as they are the ones that decide where you live when your are old. When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself why isnt he taken? boys r like mascara, dey run on da first sign of emotion while w8ing 4 d right person 2 come- play & hav fun with d wrong 1.but b careful with who u play with bcoz dat person mite b d right 1 all along If you fool me once shame on you.If you fool me twice shame on me. Guys are like roses- watch out for the prick Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever, there will be one heart always beating for you, no matter what happens. Do you know whose heart it is?

Your own heart stupid! Tomorrow I am undergoing a brain transplant operation. I would like to use your brain. Can you please give it? Because I always use only unused stuff! When life is going wrong,

when relations break up, when sorrow engulfs you, when tears flow down your eyes, just give me a call: because I sell tissue papers! If eyes speak: Love. If tears speak: Affection. If money speaks: Greed. If everyone speaks: World. If only you speak: Mental Four things which brings tears to the eye: Broken Love. Separated Friendship. Death. Onion! My Bedtime Prayer to God: Dear God, please let mosquitoes bite, let there be a power cut, let the devil come in a nightmare for those who go to sleep without sending me a good night message. At this very moment; 1 billion people are sleeping, 1 million people are eating, 1000 people are drinking, 100 people are playing and 1 monkey is reading my sms. A research conducted by a team of scientists in India indicates that people who don't brush their teeth or bath everyday are reading this message at this very moment. Answer my question either YES or NO: Do your friends know that you are mad? Urgent: Chloroform is out of stock in the hospital. Can you please send a pair of your socks? Today is World Intelligence day. Please forward this message to the most intelligent friend that you know of. And please don't send it to me because I have already received this 500 times since today morning. Urgent: I forgot where I kept my mobile phone. Please give me a missed call. Laugh out loud throughout the day. Dance happily without a care. Jump and walk happily on the streets. Only then will people start telling: Oh what a pity! became mental at such a young age. Teasing SMS Joke

What's the difference between stupid and idiot? Stupid will delete this joke. Idiot will forward this joke. Ha ha, what will you do now? When you feel sad and alone, When everyone seem to be leaving you, when the world seems to be fading away into the mist, please let me know: I will take you to the eye specialist for a checkup! Close your eyes for a minute and think about yourself. Now open your eyes: Congratulation! You have wasted a minute of your life thinking about an idiot. But why didn't you tell me the good news. I heard it from one of our friends. Anyways Congratulation! A TV channel has been named after you. Animal Planet! I saw you yesterday on the road. Such beautiful eyes, walking gracefully down the road, and I started to sing; Who let the dogs out! Beauty is not based on how you look, beauty is not based on how you speak, beauty is not based on your color, but beauty is based on your inner self. So please change your inner-wear daily without fail!
Funny SMS

It seems that a new law is coming in 2010: All beautiful people have to pay beauty taxes. Thankfully you escaped. But I didn't! Ok, don't get tensed, forward this message to your friends and have fun. No calls from you. No SMS from you. No emails from you. I am really afraid whether, The Dog Catchers found you again! Hilarious Joke Message SMS Secrets for a happy and healthy life: Get a girlfriend who cooks well. Get a girlfriend who takes care well. Get a girlfriend who looks well.

And most of all make sure that these three girls don't meet each other! Insulting SMS Joke Please select one of the following days: Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday. And kindly take a bath at least on that one day because I can't tolerate bad smell. Most Lovable Kiss: Mother's, Sweetest Kiss: Girlfriend's, Cute Kiss: Sister's, Hottest Kiss: keep your lips on the bike silencer! You are so far away from me, many hundreds of miles. Yet, I see you every day in the following TV Channels: Animal Planet. National Geographic. Cartoon Network. You are so cute my dear friend: C: Causing. U: Unnecessary. T: Trouble. E: Everywhere. You are the most SENTIMENTAL friend of mine: One percent SENTI Ninety Nine Percent MENTAL! I want you to be with me on a cheerful night, in a nice restaurant, candlelight dinner, superb menu, and say the 3 important words to you. PAY THE BILL! Hello, this is All India Anti Sleep Association. Our aim is to call up everybody, and disturb the sleep of others. "Thank you and over". Sometimes small things in life hurt a lot. If you don't agree with what I say, try sitting on a pin.

A girl called me last Sunday and told "Nobody is home. Please come". I went to her house. What she said was true: Nobody was there! I have lots of jokes in my mobile. But I cant send you all of them, It will take a lot of time. So Im sending you just 1 joke "You are so beautiful" Do you know what the computer thinks when you sit in front of it? INTEL Inside. Mental Outside. Your words are like Crocin, Your smile is like Colgate, Your touch is like zandu balm, Your presence is like Anacin, Your SMS is like Vicks action 500, and that's why I never fall ill! Without ugliness, there is no beauty in the world. Without stupidity, there is no intelligence in the world. So don't worry, you are very much required in this world! Police have put me in jail, because I was in possession of GOOD LOOKS. The police needs an ugly donkey, to take me out on bail. So I messaged you! The Earth might stop revolving, The stars might stop twinkling, The birds might stop flying, The sun might stop glowing, But your brain will never start working! A baby pig asks his father: Father why are we so ugly? The father says to him: Don't worry my son, you should see the one who is reading this msg. A short story, thrilling and full of suspense till the end. Read on.

The End Today's best quote.

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Life is just like this: there is nothing at the end. Hello, this is your cell phone who is speaking. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, the smell is unbearable! Why did God create "Albert Einstein" before creating me? Ans: Because he wanted to create a "SAMPLE PIECE" before creating a "MASTER PIECE"!! Those bright eyes, beautiful smile, milky white teeth and sweet voice. Enough about me, tell me about you now. I miss you so much, where ever I go. I want to see you, every day. I feel like seeing you, if I am out of town. Do you know why? Because I love dogs! Misleading SMS One important news: I am getting married this Monday, yes it's true. It's only a small party. Can you also please come? But please don't bring me any gifts; just bring me the girl! We hope you had lots of fun reading these sms jokes. Sometimes they might irritate you but mostly they are enjoyable and some are so good that you might even find yourself forwarding them to many of your friend groups even though your mobile balance might be very less.
Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula of water? Student: HIJKLMNO. Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about? Student: Yesterday you said H to O.

Life Wisdom sms

A smile is a curve that can.Straighten out a lot of things.

life is short! if you dont look around once in a while you might miss it Those who are afraid to fall, will never fly Love ur enemys It really ticks them off If you dont Stand for Something.You will Fall for Everything da poorest man on earth is not da 1 without money, but is da 1 without a dream To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world Its better to be hated for who you are than loved for what your not Be yourself, there are enough other people dont frown,you never know whos falling in love with ur smile if u can stay calm while every1 else is goin mad u probably havnt completely understood the situation! FRIENDS are like starsyou do not ALWAYS SEE them but you know they are always there!.. A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes. A Person Who Doesnt Is A Fool Forever Dont b afraid 2 expose yourself.Reach out and tell sum1 wot they mean 2 u coz when u decide its the right time it might b 2 late! Sumtimes its harder 2 say no wen u really mean yes.Its hard 2 close ur eyes wen u really want 2 see.But the hardest thing 2 do is to let go wen u want to stay What do you do when the only person who can stop you crying, is the person who makes you cry in the first place?
Love Wisdom SMS

have u eva notcied a heart is two upside down teardrops the hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love. love somebody else The virtue of love isnt finding the perfect person, but by loving the imperfect person perfectly. they say true love is just round the corner i must be walking in circles People say dat wen luv comes knocking on ur door let it in.But sumtimes luv comes through a backdoor & by the time u notice its on its way out.

God gave u 2 legs to walk.2 hands to hold.2 ears to hear.2 eyes to see.But why did he giv u only 1 Heart? Probably because He wants you to look for the other Some thoughts are better kept unsaid.some feelings are better kept to urself.because love has its way of expressing itself despite the silence. True love doesnt have a happy ending.True love doesnt have an ending! Love is like a rose it blossoms then dies. Dont find love.let love find you.Thats why its called falling in love coz you dont force yourself to fall- you just do! If you want me to fall for you- you have to give me something worth tripping over. If love isnt a game then why are there so many players? u luv coz u weep.u weep coz u hurt.u hurt coz u fail.u fail coz u try.u try coz u need.u need coz u want.u want coz u feel.u feel coz u live.u live coz u luv love is not how u 4get but how u forgive.not how u listen but how u understand.not what u see but what u feel & not how u let go but how u hold on. Love is like quicksand the deeper you fall in the harder it is to get out
Warning Wisdom SMS

Children playin outside cars can cause accidents.but adults playin inside cars can cause children by accident! Boys should tell their trousers that it s rude to point be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top Be friendly to your children as they are the ones that decide where you live when your are old. When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself why isnt he taken? boys r like mascara, dey run on da first sign of emotion while w8ing 4 d right person 2 come- play & hav fun with d wrong 1.but b careful with who u play with bcoz dat person mite b d right 1 all along If you fool me once shame on you.If you fool me twice shame on me. Guys are like roses- watch out for the pricks

Silly quotes Wisdom SMS

Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane! if barbie is so popular.then y do u have 2 buy her friends? I intend to live forever- so far so good Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say are you gonna drink that? Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!! Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u! people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!! I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!! I would stop eating chocolate.. but Im not a quitter

SantaBanta Jokes
Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother. A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl. Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday. Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ?? Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Them: Heres 10p go and tell your mum youre not coming home You: Heres a pound go and buy yourself some breath freshener Them: I never forget a face You: Neither do I but in your case Ill make an exception Havent I seen your face before on a police poster? Look whos talking I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to get out.

I think the sun shines out of your arse. Well, youre living proof that even a turd can be polished. Lets be honest with each other . . . weve both come here for the same reasons. Yes, youre right. Lets go and pull some girls. Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today Brains arent everything. In fact in your case theyre nothing Dont let you mind wander its far too small to be let out on its own He doesnt know the meaning of the word fear but then again he doesnt know the meaning of most words I dont know what makes you so dumb but it really works Your face looks like youve been using it as a doorstop Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo If your face had Welcome written on it, it would make a perfect doormat If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why dont you make sure the pool has water in next time. Your face is such a mess, why dont you get your dog something different to chew on ? Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut Your face doesnt look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nail Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane! if barbie is so popular.then y do u have 2 buy her friends? I intend to live forever- so far so good Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say are you gonna drink that? Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!! Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!

people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!! I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!! I would stop eating chocolate.. but Im not a quitter!
English Joke Girlfriend to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry. Boyfriend: That's ok, but who will marry us.

Best Jokes for Kids Jokes

Santa has to sell his dog. Banta wants to buy it. Banta: Is this dog faithful ? Santa: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful, everytime it returned back to me.

Sweet SMS, Funny Yoga Jokes

Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit? Woman: Yes, An Amazing Funny Effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head. My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing the problem. Soon her finger-nails started growing normally. Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem. "No," she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, clean ing home and washing clothes. Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason. Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, clean ing home and washing clothes. Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

YOGA to treat

Funny Girl Jokes

A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student.

Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class. Teacher: Why are you late? Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir. Teacher: So, What? Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow. Santa asks Priest: Why did god make women so beautiful? Priest: So that you will love them. Santa thinks for a short time... Santa: But why did God make them so dumb? Priest: So that they will love you.

Funny Lawyer Jokes

Banta to Lawyer: What is your fees? Lawyer: Rs 5000/- for 3 questions. Banta: Isn't it too high? Lawyer: Yes, it is. What is your third question?

Short Mobile Jokes

Santa & Banta got tired using mobile cell phones. For a change, they decided to use pigeons to send sweet messages. And this hilarious scheme worked very fine. One day Santa sends his pigeon. Banta sees, the pigeon is without any message. He picks his mobile and asks Santa: The pigeon is without any sweet message. Santa: Oye khotey, that was a missed call.

Sweet SMS Sexy Jock

Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl? Employee: (looking down) No Sir... Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.

Funny Medical Jokes

Santa: Why are you heating the knife. Banta: To do suicide. Santa: But why are you heating it? Banta: To prevent infection A Haryanvi bought a car on loan from a bank. He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car. Funny Haryanvi: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also! Three life insurance salesmen of different countries were having a chat. Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours. Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening. American: Thats nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor! *** Q. Why does a Pakistani gets life insurance policy. A. It keeps him poor all the life so that he can die rich.

Funny Paki Jokes

American Girl: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars. Indian Girl: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars. Pakistani Girl: Thats nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.

Funny SMS, Adult Jocks

Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a compliment? Funny Husband: Your eye sight is still excellent !

Hilarious Jokes, Funny SMS

Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was discovered in 1773. Blonde Student: Thank God ! I am born after 1773 otherwise, I would have died without it.

Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes

A Teacher lecturing on population: In India after every 10 seconds, a women gives birth to a kid. Lalu stands up: We must find & stop her. *** Lalu in a family planning seminar appeals Bihari people: "Don't give birth to more than 2 children in a year."

Short Jokes Funny One Liners

Very Funny Jokes Blonde to servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's raining. Blonde: So what take an umbrella and go !!!

Short Jokes Clean SMS Joke

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet. Blonde: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it.

18+ sex Jokes, sexy Jokes adult SMS

Funny Blonde man was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then Blonde man came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. Clerk told him to write either MALE or FEMALE. Again Funny Blonde man thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

Funniest Kids Jokes Children Jokes SMS

A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem. Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke? Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me. Mail this kid joke to friends Black Husband: If I die, will you remarry? Black Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry? Black Husband: No, I'll also stay with your sister