Love Is Overdue Copyright 2013 by Natalie Myrie All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part

in any form. Without limiting the right under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form by means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise),without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. Smashwords Edition AUTHORS NOTE This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental. About the Author Natalie Myrie is a single mother of one and has been writing for over two decades. She is an avid reader and in her spare time enjoys music, art and cooking. Love Is Overdue is her first novel. She lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

This book is dedicated to the ones who suffered through my OCD writing frenzies and never once smashed me over the head with my lap top. Thank you S & J

Love Is Overdue Now whos gonna hold and squeeze me tight Now that shes gone out of my life Whos gonna make me feel the way she used to do Now that my love is overdue Im all alone in the wilderness Searching to find some peace and rest Although she wasnt the best girl But she brought happiness into my world And now Im a prisoner of loneliness I said Im a prisoner of loneliness. (Thats what I am) Now whos voice is gonna say goodnight Now that shes gone out of my sight Whos gonna tell me lies and make me think theyre true Now that my love is overdue. Can you see right now That I dont know just what to do Now whos voice is gonna say goodnight Now that shes gone out of my sight Whos gonna tell me lies and let me think theyre true Now that my love is overdue. Now that my love is overdue. -The Cool Ruler Mr. Gregory Isaacs

Prologue You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it. When I was a child, it was my mothers way of telling me there is always light at the end of the tunnel you just have to make sure you look for it, if you are to have any hope of finding it. They were her famous two-minute pep talks. If I was wallowing in self-pity over any number of things mean girls who were teasing me on the playground, a failing grade, a boy I liked that refused to acknowledge my existence my mothers stolen quote by one of the most famous Brazilian authors of all time, Paul Coelho, was her way of snapping me back into reality and out of my depressive funk. Thinking back, I dont think she even owned any of his novels. It was only after I got older, when I spent my evenings and weekends tending to her increasingly failing health, that my lack of a social life convinced me to pick up The Alchemist and I read it front to back in one weekend. As the core theme and message of Mr. Coelhos book states, If you want something bad enough, the entire universe conspires to help you achieve it. I remember setting the book down on my night stand at 2:30 am, just as a loud crash rings out from down the hall. Dishes. Shards of dinner plates scattered all over the kitchen floor? Tea cups? Ahhh, yes. The kettle had sounded. For some reason I refuse to acknowledge the fact that my mother is up in the middle of the night attempting to brew a cup of tea, an act that under any other normal circumstance would have me intervene upon it immediately. But I had really been into that book. I sigh, rub my eyes, and get out of bed, padding down the hall in my bare feet and night shirt to go help my mother back into bed and clean up whatever mess is waiting for me. I cant think of anything in the world I want more than to have a healthy, able-bodied mother, whom I can visit on the weekends, like any other twenty-something-year-old woman can do, without the fear of finding her sprawled out dead on the kitchen floor among a pile of broken dishes. There is nothing in this universe that I hate more than cleaning up broken fucking dishes. Unfortunately, I also know the universe isnt planning to do a damn thing about it.

Chapter One I remember the first time I saw him like it was yesterday. Id been working for Commercial Travel for about a week and the delicious aromas and soft island music floating out of the Caribbean restaurant next door had finally had its effect on me. The temptation was just too much. I decided to take my lunch break a little early. The Rock, as it was simply named, was also simply but sleekly decorated, as well as furnished. It wasnt over-the-top and busting with red, gold and green paraphernalia like most Caribbean restaurants in the city. The tables and banquets along the walls were made of wood, with matching chairs. The pictures on the walls were all black and white photographs the Jamaican countryside, bustling outdoor markets, children playing soccer... They were all candid shots but somehow all together they had a haunting feel, like they were much more than just random snap-shots displayed by some interior decorator to occupy wall-space. As I had learned from my new co-workers, this place had a reputation for amazing Fusion-Island food. The menu had all the traditional favourites jerk chicken, oxtail, red snapper, rice and peas but it also steered away from the traditional, adding some Latin favourites chilli, fish tacos...curry-chicken tamales and Jamaican enchiladas? I was intrigued. I had beaten the lunch rush. It was only a quarter past eleven. I stopped in front of the counter, deciding to take my first meal to go. I didnt feel like eating alone in an empty restaurant. I heard some sizzling and clanging of pots and pans through the window to the kitchen in the back. It had a semi-open concept running between the restaurant and the kitchen and I caught a glimpse of some heads. A pretty girl with a light brown complexion, deep black eyes and a thick Afro tied back with a purple scarf, emerged from behind the swinging doors. Hi... Didnt hear you come in, sorry. She smiled. She was quite attractive, with a wide bright smile. We not quite set for lunch yet we open at eleven-thirty. Oh! Sorry, I didnt know... I should have checked the hours, I thought, realizing for the first time that the place was basically an abandoned ghost town. Completely empty. Its cool, she said then. Ill check with the chef. She turned and held open one of the swinging doors. Hey Ben how we doing? she called. Thats when I caught a glimpse of the back of his head through the window. A thick head of black dreadlocks tied back in a messy knot. We good... I heard him call back with a slight Jamaican accent. She turned back to me. Its all good then. Eat in or take out? Ahhh...to go. Do you need a minute? She gestured to the menu done in chalk on the blackboard behind the counter. I did. She told me shed be right back and then slipped back though the swinging doors. I turned my attention to my choices on the menu above me, but I didnt have much time, though, because a moment later the doors swung open again and the chef emerged carrying a piping hot tray of Jamaican patties. Our eyes locked for a moment and then he gave me a quick up and down glance and smiled. Hey whassup...

My heart was suddenly in my throat. He was absolutely gorgeous. Tall, athletic, dark chocolate complexion, goatee, piercing brown eyes and the nicest, fullest, sexiest lips I had ever seen on a man. He was dressed simply in a navy blue t-shirt that showed off his strong, toned arms and a pair of old, faded jeans not too loose, not too tight resting low on his hips, exactly the way a man with that kind of body was made to wear them. I recovered myself as quickly as I could. Hi sorry, I should have checked your hours before busting in here... My face was on fire. He smiled again. Its all good... He opened the doors to the hot-cart counter and slid the tray of patties onto the top shelf. Ya first time here? I nodded. I work next door just started actually, so... Oh yeah? Where at? I nodded toward our adjoining wall. Travel agency. He raised his eyebrows. Fuck, he was so sexy. Nice...so maybe I got myself a new regular. That smile again. He grabbed the dish towel that was draped over his shoulder and wiped his hands. Im Ben. He extended his hand. Gabriela. I reached out and shook his hand, hoping mine wasnt shaking enough for him to notice, but of course, knowing me, it was most definitely trembling. Well, make yaself at home... He nodded toward the empty room of tables. Lena be right back out ya want a drink while you wait? Uh...sure. I recovered myself yet again. What was wrong with me? Water is good. All right, cool... Again that smile. I was going to pass out soon if he kept smiling at me like that. Might have to give me a few minutes though dependin on what ya want. Oh...right. I glanced up again briefly, remembering I was supposed to be ordering lunch. And with that, Lena reappeared and Ben disappeared back through the swinging doors. I ended up ordering the Jamaican enchiladas and a tossed salad to go and sat on one of the benches sipping on an ice-water with lemon while I waited for my order. I didnt see him again, but even long after Id paid for my food and got back to my desk at the office - savouring every last delicious bite of his food - my heart did not stop racing. I had to physically stop myself from getting take-out from The Rock every single day after that. And although the food was absolutely delicious, it was the chef that prepared it that made my mouth water even more. I managed to limit myself to three times a week, four at the the most. But after that first day, I adhered to their regular business hours so I was never the only customer in the joint again. The restaurant was actually an incredibly popular lunch spot on the Drive and the atmosphere was always warm and welcoming. I didnt see Ben very often since he was always in the kitchen cooking, but the few times I did he always acknowledged me with a smile, a hello, or a lingering stare that made my heart race a mile a minute without fail every time. One time he even touched my arm as he moved past me in the line at the front counter. How you doing...? It was a brief passing comment, accompanied by his death-wish of a smile, but it was all for me and my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I eventually learned through Jeannine, my co-worker, that not only was he head chef but he was actually the owner of the restaurant, so I knew his smiles and his friendly hellos were

most likely just good business practices on his part, but I secretly couldnt help hoping that maybe it was more than that. Our second actual conversation happened a couple weeks later, but it was so unexpected and caught me completely off-guard, so once again I found myself stumbling over my words. It was mid-afternoon on a Tuesday and I was busy at my desk working on a booking for a couple that was planning a six-week country hop through most of Eastern Europe when I heard the door chime and glanced up to see Ben walking through the door. He wasnt wearing his apron, just a pair of faded jeans and an Exodus t-shirt one of Bobs best albums, I noted to myself. I was alone in the office since Jeannine and Tammy, my boss, had made a run for office supplies. He smiled when he saw me. Hey Gabriela... Hey how are you? My heart was suddenly in my throat. Hed remembered my name. What you doing here? Planning a vacation? Was that supposed to be a joke? I felt like kicking myself. But he smiled again. I should be...they shut my water off. Where? In the restaurant? I stood up, quickly smoothing down the front of my blouse and smacking my lips together, wishing I had reapplied my lip gloss sooner. My mouth was as dry as a desert. Yeah, theres a water-main break on the corner, I just figure I come check and see if you all affected or not... Let me check. I turned and headed to the ladies room and turned on the faucet. Its working! I called out to him. Really? Lucky me... He looked relieved as I made my way back over to him. Mind if we come fill some pots? He raised his eyebrows at me. I laughed. Of course...help yourself. Did they say how long it would be? I dont know, they hopin not more than a few hours but ya neva know...well see how it goes right now I just worried bout cooking water... I couldnt handle the way he was looking at me, it was making me so weak in the knees. Wow...thats crazy...well take as much as you want, Im not using it... I stopped talking immediately. I was such an idiot. But he just gave me that smile again. Thats cute, he teased me, raising an eyebrow. Well be right over. When I left work at five oclock I noticed the city workers still working on the sewers across from the restaurant. Ben was standing on the sidewalk in front of The Rock talking to a guy I recognized from the neighbourhood who worked at the cheque-cashing place across the street. Still out? I slowed my pace as I passed them. Yup. They thinkin it might take all night worse than expected, Ben told me. He had come by a few more times that afternoon to fill up jugs of water. I sent everyone home close early. He hesitated, giving me that intense look again. Thanks for ya help today. He turned to his friend and nodded his chin at me. This my water-girl here... I laughed at that. No problem, it was nothing...

His friend pointed at Commercial Travel. Travel shop? he wondered, his voice coming out in a deep Caribbean accent that I could not place. He looked puzzled. Im surprise it noh take out da whole block... He turned back to Ben. Long night mi friend good luck. Yeah, man...take it easy. Ben and him knocked fists and then the guy nodded at me briefly and was gone. I, of course, was still standing there awkwardly, but Bens eyes were all over me again in a second. Well, thats that... He sighed, leaning up against the side of the building. You done for the day? Yup. I was suddenly stuck for words again, standing on the street alone with him. But Ben just smiled. Those lips were so irresistible... I owe you, he said then. Yhave time for a quick drink? Come inside, Ill buy you a ginger beer or a Red Stripe, since you off the clock... My face flushed a thousand different shades of red or so I assumed. Ahhh I couldnt speak. Ben was still watching me with those piercing eyes of his. When I still wasnt responding he raised his eyebrows quizzically. Yes? No? Raincheck? No! I shot back quickly. I mean yesI meana drink sounds good... I stammered my way through. Ben smiled at that, looking somewhat amused at my extreme awkwardness, but then just nodded casually at the door. Lets go The restaurant was not entirely empty. Lena, the manager, was there going through some paperwork at the front counter, and there was some noise coming from the kitchen. Ben joined me at one of the empty tables with two bottles of Red Stripe. So how the travel business treating you over there? I know Tammy a bit from the Neighbourhood Association how you like workin for her? I decided to choose my words as carefully as I could. Tammy Richard. My boss. Owner of Commercial Travel. The loudest, meanest, crankiest old lady I had ever had the pleasure of working for. For some reason she really likes me, I said without thinking. Ben smiled. He had really nice teeth white and straight such a turn on. Does that surprise you? I thought. To be honest...yes. She has a very selective tolerance level...of people. He gave me that intense look again. You are very diplomatic. That hint of a Jamaican accent was also such a turn on. Im just being careful, I admitted, taking a sip of my beer. You and her could be best friends for all I know... He smiled at my joke. That is very true, he said, playing along. She seems to like me a lot too...or maybe just my food. Yes, I agreed. She has definitely sung your praises quite a bit... I took a breath. So how long have you had this place? I wondered. Three years, he answered simply, not taking his eyes off of me. I got tired of working for people Im not very good at cooking someone elses food so I figure I better just do this shit on my own. But Im not a businessman either so its a constant battle. He sighed and took a

sip of his Red Stripe, leaning back in his chair. If I was a businessman I would probably be running around trying to figure out whos ass am supposed to sue for fucking with my water-line but instead Im here having a drink with you... I laughed. Thats not so bad, is it? Not at all, he admitted. I was actually hoping I would have the chance to have a drink with you... Really? My stomach flipped. Yeah...you know...get to know you and ting... That accent kept creeping in again and again. So tell me about you...where you from? I caught my breath. Well...I grew up in Burnaby with my mom and my brother...but I was born in Brazil. Moved here when I was ten. Ben raised his eyebrows. Brazil? Wow... He hesitated briefly. So you speak Portuguese? I smiled. Yes, of course...do you? I teased. Hmmm...no. You can teach me though. I laughed again. Okay, what would you like to know? He leaned back in his seat again, hesitating. God, he was so sexy. Lets see... He was studying me closely again. Well, this is not very original, am sure you heard this many times... Really? And what is that? I wanted to know. He paused. You have a very beautiful smile. My heart stopped. Thank you, I managed after I had regained my senses. But Ben laughed. No, you supposed to teach me how to say it in Portuguese. I was sure I was beat red now. Oops. Thats right. I took a deep breath. Voc tem um sorriso muito bonito. He leaned forward. What? I laughed. Voc tem um sorriso muito bonito, I repeated slowly. Then he smiled again. Thank you. I laughed again. Very funny. Okay, you got me, I admitted. So what about you? Where you from? He gave me a look and frowned. Guess. Okay... I nodded, deciding to get him back. Mexico. That made him laugh. A real laugh. And it was oh-so-sexy as well. Si, seora. Minha senhora, I corrected him. He nodded. Got it... He took another sip of his beer. I worked in an El Salvadorian restaurant for a few years so my Spanish is better than my Portuguese... It works actually, I said then, changing course. The Caribbean-Latin fusion thing its delicious. He smiled. In more ways than one... I laughed. Oh really? I raised my eyebrows. He nodded. Yeah, man....I have a Caribbean-Latin fusion daughter too so its not just food that works... My eyes went wide. Wow...thats interesting. How old is your daughter? Six. I smiled. Just the one? Yes, just one...you?

I shook my head. No kids...not yet...one day maybe. My standard response. However the chances of that happening, in my mind, were about as likely as me winning the lottery, never having gambled a day in my life. He was studying me closely again. Do you still live in Burnaby? I shook my head. Actually no...we live here in Vancouver now...in the city. I stopped talking immediately. I had said we.... I hoped he hadnt picked up on that. But of course he had. We? he asked. I sighed. Yeah...me and my mom. We have a place here in East Van. He nodded slowly. I expected him to ask me why I still lived with my mother but he didnt. Usually I would have just changed the subject but for some reason I decided to tell him. This always went either way with a guy which is why I generally avoided the topic, but I took a chance nonetheless. My mom has MS and she has a hard time getting around sometimes so...thats why I still live with my mom. I shrugged. People sometimes wonder. I tried to read his expression but it hadnt changed. Shes lucky to have you, he said then. I smiled. I liked his answer. Im lucky to have her too, I admitted. So what do you do when youre not running your restaurant? He looked to be thinking about it. Sleep, he said finally. I laughed. Come on... He shrugged. Its a tough gig, am tellin you...but lets see... He sighed, thinking about his response. I spend time with my daughter...play a little music...smoke a little herb...just enjoy life, yknow? I smiled. Your daughter lives with you? He shook his head. No. I dont see her as much as I would like, but I take what I can get. I just make the best of it. What kinda music do you play? A little guitar, he said, still staring me down. I used to sing in a ska band about ten years ago but gave it up to focus on my career. But I still jam with them sometimes do a little cameo if I feel like when they do a gig depends on my mood. He smiled. You have a lot of family? I wanted to know then. He kind of laughed. I have enough... That made me laugh too. What does that mean? Too many people pulling me away from my sleep. I shook my head. No...people are good, I stressed. Especially the ones that are good to you. He gave me that intense look again. I like that...you should write that one down. I laughed. If I wrote down every profound thought I have, I would be writing for weeks, I joked. Stupid. I mentally kicked myself yet again. But Ben smiled at that. Nothing wrong with that... Hey Ben. Lena had come up to our table. The guy from the city wants to talk to you...hopefully he got some good news. Ben glanced over at her. Cool...I be right there, he told her and then turned back to me as she walked away. I should let you get back to pretending to be a businessman, I teased him, secretly disappointed beyond belief at the thought of our time being up. I was loving our conversation.

He smiled as he lifted himself up from his chair. Youre great company...I enjoyed the drink. I stood up as well. Same here. Well have to do this again. I nodded. Definitely. You know where to find me. I bit my tongue immediately. He gave me that irresistible smile again. Of course... He held the door for me as I let myself out. I couldnt get him out of my head all night. As I made dinner and washed the dishes even through the entire movie my mom wanted to watch his gorgeous eyes, heart-stopping smile and soothing deep voice was all I could focus on. That voice. Those eyes. That mouth. Fuck, I was going crazy... As I sat with my laptop in my bed that night I decided to google his restaurant. I was more than curious now. I didnt even know his full name. All of a sudden my heart started racing again. How could it not have dawned on me earlier? The restaurant had a website. Of course it did. And being his restaurant, the site was all about him. Benjamin Martin proprietor. Chef-owner. It talked briefly about his background born and raised in Montego Bay, where he began cooking at a young age alongside his grandmother, who ran a small fish-hut and produce stand in one of the towns bustling tourist markets. He moved to Vancouver as a teenager, where after completing high school, decided to attend the Pacific Institute of Culinary Arts, where he was classically trained in New American Cuisine. He worked at a few four-star restaurants before being appointed sous chef at the Four Seasons Vancouver only to resign a year later to take the position as head chef at Buena Comida Restaurante on Vancouvers eclectic Commercial Drive, taking over for his long-time mentor Luis Garcia, who had employed him as a teenager but had fallen ill and could no longer handle the day-to-day running of his award-winning kitchen. Ben was then able to delve further into his passion for Latin and Caribbean cuisine, his first love. Then, almost three years ago, he was able to fulfill his life-long dream of finally opening his own restaurant, only blocks away from his second family at Buena Comida. My head was spinning. The website and restaurant also had a facebook fan-page with over 1000 members. Once I browsed through it I saw the link to the videos, which had a massive underground following on youtube. I was stunned. He had nearly 50 video episodes his own cooking show online! I was more than stunned. I was floored. And here I had almost believed him when he said he spent his free time sleeping. It was already past midnight, but I was now so wide awake I wasnt sure I could even sleep if I tried to. I decided to start with the very first episode, but before I settled in to watch I had to find his personal facebook page. I was suddenly obsessed. He had to have one. There was no way he couldnt, with everything he had going on online. I scoured through as many members of the fan page as I could, searching through all their friends lists methodically one by one. Yes, I was completely insane. Then all of a sudden I found a profile. The privacy settings were high, but the name and the profile picture thumbnail were visible. It was him. I recognized him, even though the picture

was in black and white and it was a side profile him sitting on a log at what looked like the beach at English Bay, his hands clasped, face down, elbows resting on his knees... Yes, that was Ben. The name was Benjamin M. My heart jumped. Before I could stop myself or think long enough to chicken out I sent him a friend request and attached a message. I really hope you can forgive me for cyber-stalking you. Im not normally this forward but our drink today and the fact that I found out you are a youtube celebrity has really intrigued me. Considering all you do is sleep. -Your Brazilian neighbour to the left. I immediately regretted it after I sent it. It was well past midnight and I obviously wasnt thinking straight. But then I quickly put it all out of my mind as I concentrated on watching his youtube cooking show. The Dreaded Fuzion. His presence on camera was magnetic. The basic premise was simple dishes, using seasonal ingredients, which can be prepared at home which is why they were filmed in his home and not at the restaurant. Obviously someone he was working with was at the very least an above-average film-maker with some experience and some state of the art cameras. The editing was polished, the sound and picture was crystal clear, and there was an artsy theme to each episode, incorporating music mostly reggae, some hip-hop and ska beats, title sequences, credits, and out-takes that made the flow of the shows incredibly captivating. He had such ease on camera. He was funny, sexy, but not over-the-top, just natural... I was mesmerized. This is probably why almost an hour and a half later I almost didnt notice the message pop up on my facebook page. Benjamin M. has accepted your friend request. What the fuck??? There was a message in my in box. My heart was pounding furiously as I opened it. I accept. And I only forgive you cuz you pretty. But yes you are a stalker. Thanks for the heads up. I nearly laughed out loud. Then I clicked on his profile, finally able to view the contents. But there wasnt much on it. He didnt have any photo albums, and just about five different profile pictures. Less than 600 friends. Random wall posts by friends but not many status updates. He was a reluctant or lazy facebooker at best. The bottom right hand window indicated that he was online. I decided not to instant message him I had already done enough. But then a message popped up from him a few minutes later and I couldnt help but respond. B:I am going to be bold. G: LOL about what? B:You. G:What about me? B:You are beautiful. G:Thank you...where did that come from? B:From sitting across the table from you. Just lookin thru your pics now. G:Your page is a little sparse. B:I know. I dont have time for personal fb stuff. Too busy running a restaurant and being a youtube celebrity. G:You are really funny, you know that? I watched two of your videos. B:Its a cooking show, not stand-up. G:Haha...I mean in general. You are funny. Why are you not sleeping?

B:Too busy looking at your pictures. G:I dont want to keep you from sleeping. You can look at them tomorrow. B:No need. I can just look at the real you tomorrow. G:Yeah? You stopping by for more water tomorrow? B:If thats what it takes. G:LOL...that was funny too. And bold. Maybe I am rubbing off on you? B:Hopefully. One day. G:Ummmm...? B:Have a good sleep. G:Uhh ok. You too Ben. I fell asleep that night with a permanent smile dancing across my face.

Chapter Two When I woke up the next morning my brain wanted to convince me that I had dreamed the entire conversation, but as soon as I logged into my facebook page there was our conversation from the previous night clear as day. As well as his profile, which I again browsed through, spending some more time on the few pictures he had of himself. As hard as it was to focus on anything else, I spent a little more time and effort on my hair and makeup as I usually did. He thought I was beautiful? I was still so shocked by his words. I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I knew I was a pretty girl my best assets being my thick mop of curly brown hair that hung well past my shoulders, my clear olive complexion, large dark brown eyes and my full pouty lips thanks to my beautiful mother. But unlike my mother, who had the bone-structure of a wire hanger, I had definitely never considered myself the Brazilian bombshell. I was a thick girl, a size 18 on a good day, and only five foot five. Thankfully I carried it all in my tits and my ass. I sucked in my tummy and pushed out my chest as I stared back at myself. I did have a nice tiny waist. For a big girl. It was eight am. I was dressed and ready to go and so I set into my routine of spending the next half hour helping my mother get up, getting her comfortable in the kitchen with her morning cup of tea, the newspaper, and her toasted bagel with cream cheese. My aunt Teresa always came by in the mornings to tidy up and help my mom run a bath and dress, until by about half past noon, when she was limber and able enough to be semi-self-sufficient until bed time. It all worked out just fine for the time being. I never tried to think too far ahead, it only scared me. The work day dragged by so slowly. I noticed the city workers had finished working on the water-main break. The street outside The Rock was slick and wet, but clean. I did wonder all morning if he had meant what hed said to me. That he would make a point of seeing me today whatever it took. Jeannine knocked me out of my daydreams. Hey Gab Im gonna head next door to grab lunch today, wanna join me? I was so tempted. As badly as I wanted to see him, I knew I had to resist. I had pushed enough with my cyber-stalking the previous night. You go ahead, I said. I brought a sandwich today... By mid-afternoon I was far too restless and a little disappointed but I knew how busy the restaurant got so I tried to stay optimistic. I stepped into the back alley for a smoke break. I didnt smoke that much, but restlessness along with obsessive crushes on members of the opposite sex always did it to me. But as soon as I lit up and took a deep drag I froze in my spot as I heard the back door to the restaurant swing open. And sure enough, there he was. It always happened that way. Men I was desperately attracted to caught me in my bad habit the first chance they had.

He looked so gorgeous in his white chef coat and old faded jeans. He tossed a few cardboard vegetable boxes into the recycling bin and then raised a suspicious eyebrow, turning to me. Bad girl. Of course. He had to say it. I smiled, rolling my eyes slightly. Yeah, you got me. He took a few steps back in my direction. So how you doin? I nodded. Great. Its beautiful today...so bright and sunny...just had to step out and enjoy it. Ben smiled that smile at me and then turned to look out at the alley and the two dumpsters staring back at us. Its quite the view... He turned back to me then. Mine is better though. I gave him a puzzled look. Where? He didnt take his eyes off me. Right here. I felt my face flush. Youre making me blush, I admitted. I took a little self-conscious drag off my cigarette. He raised his eyebrows. I can see that...so how did you sleep? Like a baby. I smiled back at him. What about you? He shook his head slowly. Never enough... I needed to change the subject. So hows business? Make up for yesterday yet? Gettin there. He leaned back against the wall behind him. So I miss you at lunch today I made you something special. My eyes went wide. Me? Really? You didnt say anything... Yeah I know...I just felt a bit inspired so I made some Jamaican feijoada. Jamaican feijoada? I laughed. What? Theres no such thing, I teased him. Ahhh...ysee? Now thats where you wrong. I guess you still not graspin the concept of my restaurant, he teased me back with that sexy little lift of the eyebrows. I felt myself flush. Hmm...I get it...some Brazilian-Jamaican fusion huh?" I sighed. "Well I guess that I have to try. He watched me for another moment and then gave me that slow, sexy smile again. Come see me before you go home, Ill wrap it up for you you can let me know what you think later. He paused for a moment. Yhave your phone? My stomach flipped again. My phone? Yeah, its inside...want me to get it? Nah, its okay... He was patting the pockets of his jeans and pulled out a pen and a small piece of paper. We can do this old-school, he explained as he jotted his digits on the back of what looked like a receipt and then quickly examined the paper hed written on and let out a little laugh. Just dont judge me on this, though... He handed me the piece of paper and I glanced at the receipt and laughed along with him. Fast-food. Two Egg McMuffins, hash browns, and a medium coffee, I read out loud. No, the other side, he instructed me, smiling at my amusement. Call me or text me or whatever He started backing up toward the back door leading to his kitchen. Im usually outta here by nine during the week so let me know what night work for you and maybe we can go grab another drink somewhere... I smiled. That sounds great. And for a good while after the door shut behind him I still stood there, grinning like an idiot, completely blown away by everything that was happening to me.

 Two nights later we arranged to meet for drinks at The Irish Heather in Gastown. I had scrambled last minute to have Aunt Teresa agree to stay the night. The last thing I wanted was to have to ditch out early from our date to be home for my normal curfew of eleven pm. I got there early and took a seat in a secluded corner so we could have ample space and privacy. I ordered a glass of red wine and settled back to wait for him. As soon as I clicked on my phone and noticed he was five minutes late I glanced up and saw Ben casually making his way past the bar and through the sparse crowd that had already gathered there. My heart jumped when I noticed how amazing he could clean up. He was dressed casually in a fitted button-down baby-blue shirt that showed off his upper-body perfectly and a nice pair of black jeans that hung so temptingly low on his hips as always. His dreads were tied back as usual. I noticed a number of female heads turn as he passed, making it obvious I was not the only one that could see how unbelievably sexy this man was. He smiled as he pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. You been waiting long? he asked, but didnt wait for a response as his eyes moved from my face to my cleavage and back up again. Thats a nice dress... I laughed softly. Thank you...and no, I just got here. I hope I got us a good table what you think? He turned and glanced around briefly. Perfect... I took a breath and fixed my eyes on him again. You smell really good. I had to say it. There was just something about a man who knew how to wear cologne just right. He looked back over at me. Really... He said it softly, not quite in the form of a question. I smiled. Yes, really. What is it? He hesitated briefly, his eyes dropping to my chest again. What you mean? He seemed confused. Your cologne, I clarified, amused at the fact that he was suddenly the one tripping over his words. He smiled. Im sorry but you really shoulda wore a scarf or somethin cause am gettin real distracted right now. Then his eyes fixed on mine again. Armani, he said simply. My mouth fell open. Damn. Youre not shy, I noted. He let out a little sexy laugh. I know. And obviously, neither are you. He gestured with his eyes again. Come on! I couldnt help a little laugh with him, but took a self-conscious glance down at myself. Its not that low. I looked around the room. And youre the only one staring, you know, I pointed out. He smiled. Im not complaining. He nodded at my glass. So what are we drinking, Gabriela? A cabernet sauvignon, I told him. Its Chilean. The waitress came by and Ben ordered a pint of Guiness and a half-litre of my wine for me. He leaned back in his chair after our waitress left with our order and focused his attention back on me. So how was your day? Your week finally through... I nodded. I know... My day was good. So far, I added.

Ben glanced at his watch. Yes, we have another two hours to go...so whappen at midnight? You dont turn into a pumpkin or anything, right? I laughed. Now that was a bad joke...but no. He smiled. Sorry...my charm start wearin off, I know. Am not used to this. I was confused. To what? Sittin across from such a beautiful woman. I gave him a suspicious look. Why do I find that so hard to believe? Im not sure, he admitted. I work a lot. I dont really have time for many extracurricular activities... So what are you saying? I was still confused. You dont date? He shook his head slowly. Nope. Ever? I was finding it very hard to take him seriously. Well...its been a very long time, he said then. When I open my restaurant I told myself if am gonna make it I have to make this my life good or bad, its all or nothing I just live and breathe the business, and that dont really come natural for me because I told you before, am not a businessman. But you know...when you passionate about something you find a way to throw yourself into it completely you just forget about everything else. Including women. He smiled apologetically. For some reason his explanation made my heart race even faster. I nodded slowly, recovering myself. I did understand in a way. But not in any way I was ready to talk about at least not yet. So what about you? His question caught me off-guard. Me? I looked up. Yeah you, he said in that slow sexy way of his. When last you been out with a man? Hmmm... I thought. A few months...I mean, just casually...I dont know...nothing serious. Why is that? he wanted to know. Well... I sighed. Men can be very difficult. He raised his eyebrows, an amused look on his face. How are we difficult? I took a sip of my wine. Men dont like to admit what they really want. They just like to play games and I dont really have time for that. What do we really want? He looked terribly interested. Hmmm...lets see... I decided to take a chance. Well, I dont know...a man will tell you a whole bunch of garbage about any and everything but will never tell you all he wants is sex. And so to me, its just one big waste of time. He kept giving me that intense look. He looked to be debating what I had just said. I see...so you saying you prefer to date a man who doesnt want sex? I smiled. No. I just wish men would just come out and be straight about what they want. Booty call. Relationship. Whatever. Just be honest. And then I can decide what I want...does that make sense? He looked a little puzzled. Im not sure...Im not like that so I cant say... He looked to be pondering the thought. I mean, if I just want to fuck a woman am gonna come straight out and say it. I caught my breath. You are? Of course. Cause I already told you, Im a busy guy I dont have time to beat around da bush about anything really, least of all sex...

I see... I paused. But I thought you dont date. He kind of laughed. Whos talkin about dating? Im talkin about sex thats not the same thing. Hmmm... I nodded slowly. I guess youre right. He was looking at me. Can I be honest with you? I braced myself. Of course. You sure? He was giving me an out. I decided against taking it. I wanted to know what he was going to say. Im sure. Well... He leaned back again, watching me closely. The first day I saw you in the restaurant...from the first moment I saw you, I already knew I wanted to fuck you. I caught my breath at his directness but decided to let him finish. He didnt take his eyes off me. I mean...you...when I look at you I just see everything that I like. Its not every day I see a woman that take my breath away like you do... And knowing me, am always straight up and honest bout everything so am just telling you all this right now because...as nice as it would beam not just gonna try and fuck you. I knew that from the first day too. First, because I dont think thats how you operate and second because I prefer to get to know you instead... And I dont know why, but...it just something am feeling... He picked up his pint and took a sip, still watching me. So if you used to a lot of men feeding you a bunch of shit about what their true intentions are then I think I should just put it out there... am not gonna bullshit you. My heart was going a mile a minute again. I had never heard a man talk to me like that. I was falling hard. And it scared me. So...what about you? Me? I tried to regain my composure. He smiled again. I told you my intentions so I want to know yours. I had never been asked that question before. I took a small sip of my wine and looked at him. Now it was my turn to be bold. What if I told you my intentions are just to fuck you? I told myself it was only the wine talking... He took a moment to contemplate it. Then he nodded slowly. Then I would tell you to go ahead and take care of the cheque while I go call us a cab. I laughed. That was funny. Youre on again. He smiled. Thank you. I like you though, I admitted. Theres just something about you maybe its the chef thing theres nothing sexier that a man who can cook. The wine seemed to be having a premature effect on me. He seemed pleased though. Nothing? He raised his eyebrows. I smiled. Its a big one, I assured him. Also... I paused. I mean, I dont know if you remember but...you didnt freak out when I told you how I live with my mom. Most men are turned off by that or something but...for me...thats just the way it is. So relationships dont really come easy for me. I bit my lip. Relationships. I couldnt believe Id said that. He was giving me that deep piercing look of his again. Your mom is sick. That must not be easy. I shook my head slowly. Its not. I mean, some days are better than others... Some days she can get around a lot easier and we can just cook dinner together or watch a movie and talk or

go to the park...and then some days she cant even get out of bed... I actually lost my last job because she had a really bad spell and I missed too much time. I shrugged. So yeah...anyway...sorry. Bad topic. But Ben didnt look bothered. He was just watching me so closely. And then he reached out and pushed a piece of hair from my face. It was just so tender. He didnt say a word. I met his eyes then. Are you always like this? That caught him slightly off-guard. Like what? I smiled. I dont know. Calm. Youre just so laid-back...even the other day when the water-main broke you were just so...relaxed. He laughed at that. Thats just all the weed I smoke, he teased me. But I dont know...some things just not worth it. Others are. But if you asking me if I can get pissed off about shit, the answer is yes. I smiled. So then you are human. He nodded. Of course. People can piss me off. But not things. Or circumstances not in our control. What about your daughter? I wondered. I thought about Lazaro, my brother and I, as children. I pictured my mothers second husband, Raoul, and his pension for whipping us at every little childhood misdeed and act of rebellion. Skinned knees, spilled milk, sibling squabbles. My experience with paternal figures in my life was far from patient and understanding. He thought about my question. I dont know, he admitted. As soon as she start getting comfortable enough to misbehave I have to send her home to her mother. Do you get along with her? Who? Your baby-mama, I joked. He smiled. Better than I used to...but the worst part aint even that. A few months ago she move her man in with her, so...maybe its not rational, and as far as I know there nothing wrong with the guy but... Fuck. He sucked his teeth, in that sexy way Caribbean men were known for. You wanna see me get pissed off? Then just keep me on that topic... I smiled. Well, we dont want that. But if its any consolation...when I was about your daughters age my mom got married again. Couldnt fucking stand him. And three years later she dumped his ass happiest day of my life. He laughed. Okay, so all is not lost...I like that. I nodded. Me too. I took another sip of wine. This is good... Ben reached out and refilled my glass for me. So what about your dad? I shook my head. I never knew my dad. He left before I turned two. Hes probably still somewhere hustlin the streets of Sao Paulo. He was a loan shark or so I been told. Ben raised his eyebrows. Damn... Yeah, we were lucky to get out, I said then. My uncle sponsored the three of us and brought us to Canada me, my brother, my mom and just in time too. Before she was diagnosed. So where your brother at? He live with you too? I shook my head. No. My brother went to music school in Montreal and got married to a French-Canadian. Hes a pianist. Shes a dancer. They have two kids now. Hes been home to visit a few times but my brother cant really deal with my mom and her illness never could. I stopped talking. How did we get on this topic again? Change it, I ordered, jokingly.

Ben smiled. Youre too interesting. You? I eyed him. Parents? Siblings? Whats your story? He sucked his teeth. Damn girl... All right, lemme see...my mother lives in Jamaica...I come up here when I was fifteen with my brother and sister. My dad been here long before us he married a Canadian and started up an autoshop...brought all us kids here as soon as he could so we could finish school and alla dat... He was a very hard worker and I think he always regret leaving us behind so he did everything he could to provide for alla us once he could... But it wasnt easy for us...yknow, leaving our mother Do you visit her? I wanted to know. He nodded. My mother? Of course...often as I can. And she been here too but she wont move. Cyan leave da rock... He sighed. So I name my restaurant in honour of my mothers strong-willed nature. Stubborness. Whateva you wanna call it... I smiled. I like that... I thought. So you three must be pretty tight, huh? Your brother and sister? He didnt say anything right away. Well...we used to... Something in his voice had changed. I mean, me and my sister still cool and ting but...thats a story for a whole other time, Gabriela... You right. Family can be a bit of a tricky subject. I nodded slowly. The wine was starting to make me feel warm all over. Or maybe it was the company. I couldnt tell. So how old are you, Ben? I had tried to piece together his age from his bio on the website but I wasnt sure. He smiled. How old you think I am? I stared him down for a moment or two. Twenty-eight. He shook his head slowly and gave me a little thumbs up to indicate the number was higher. Thirty-one, I tried again. He shook his head again. One more... Hmmm... I sighed. You are older than me... He nodded. I know. How old you think I am? Dont have to guess, he said. Youre twenty-seven. I raised my eyebrows. Wow. Impressive. I know. Your facebook page is very informative. I laughed. Oh right. My bad. So you in the habit of stalking men online or am I the first? I shrugged innocently. This is the age of technology. Who doesnt google a guy before a date nowadays? Ahh...so what you find out about me? I took another sip of my wine. I found out that the camera is very good to you. He smiled that heart-stopping smile again. What else? Hmmm... I thought for a moment. Well, I found out that you have a very strong female fan-base. Most of the women that comment on your youtube page go on and on about how this sexy brother can come cook for me at home any day...bla bla...etcetera. He raised his eyebrows. Really? He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. Oh and this one girl started an online poll to see how many signatures it would take for you to do an episode butt-naked... The wine was really taking its effect.

His eyes went wide. Fuck...you serious? I rolled my eyes. Oh come on, dont act like you dont know this... He leaned back in his seat again. I dont run the page. I still wasnt buying it. Whatever... Im serious, he insisted. My producer runs the page. And my camera-guy. But now that you telling me all this, maybe I should go check it out. Mmmhmm...if you say so, I teased him. So how many would it take? How many what? Signatures. He thought for a moment. Just one. I raised my eyebrows. But it wouldnt be on youtube. It would have to be a private show, he explained, that intense look taking over again. I was getting so warm now. I fanned my face lightly with my hand. This wine is really tasty... He smiled. I can tell. So what you feel I should cook if I did? Hmm...good question. I met his eyes. Something sweet. I see... He was thinking. So whats your favourite...something sweet? I smiled. Thats easy... Chocolate. He knew. Of course he knew. Yup...anything chocolate. Hmm...I guess Ill have to give you something chocolate then...Ill work on that. I needed to change the subject before I got too carried away. So how did the whole youtube thing start anyway? Well... He sighed. Long story. I laughed. Thats okay, its not midnight yet. He smiled. I was actually just hangin out with Lena you know, from the restaurant and she was watching one of those cooking shows on Food Network. I dont remember which one but she kept goin on about how I could do that because I did a demo at the restaurant just before that for some students from my culinary school and they had filmed it everyone kept sayin how am good on camera so anyway we did some research on youtube and she convince her boyfriend, Patrick hes an independent film-maker - to shoot a demo to run on the website...and it just take off from there... How often do you shoot episodes? Depends. Its a lot of prep work for me so...twice a month, sometimes three... We shooting one next weekend, if you want you can come check it out, he offered casually. Really? I tried to contain my excitement. I wouldnt want to get in the way or anything do you usually have an audience? Well...sometimes yes. Depends how many hungry people I got hangin around... But usually its just Lena, my camera-guy, my producer...sometimes I get someone from my kitchen staff to help with prep and clean up between takes and that kinda thing... He paused, giving me another one of his looks. I could put you to work if you want, though am good at that. I smiled. I believe you just as long as you leave me behind the camera, Ill be fine. He was studying me closely again. I dont know about that. What? I think youd do pretty good in front of a camera.

I shook my head vehemently. No way, I have terrible stage-fright. Ben kind of laughed. Can you cook? I smiled. Yes. That I can do. Good. I love a woman who can cook. I eyed him suspiciously. Somehow I would think that wouldnt matter so much. Why? He eyed me back. I love food you know this so nothing could impress me more... Hmmm... I was playing with the stem of my wine glass. He was watching me. Well, maybe I will impress you one day. He just kept watching me, giving me that intense gaze of his. So what else impresses you? I asked slowly. In a woman? I lifted my eyes to meet his. He leaned forward, propping his elbows onto the table and then reached out ever so gently and touched my fingers as I continued to twirl my wine glass. I stopped suddenly and let let him pull my hand closer as he glanced down and caressed it tenderly between his. Pretty hands, he said then, his fingers stroking each one of mine like he was polishing some fine china. Soft skin, he added, before finally looking up at me. The electricity between us was finally so thick I felt like I was about to catch on fire. I caught my breath. Thats not a very long list... I wanted to hear more. Desperately. This man was doing something to me I never even knew existed. He licked his lips just slightly. I barely even caught it but I felt myself get wet. Just like that. He smiled again, squeezing my hand gently. This all I got so far... He gestured with his eyes down to our interlocking fingers. Then his eyes strayed back to my chest. But that there has been impressin me all night long... I picked up my glass with my free hand, guiding it gently to my lips as he watched. So youre a breast man, I teased. I had to try to cut some of this heat between us before I lost it completely. He hesitated only for a moment. Right now I am. Cause you sittin down. I laughed. Hmmm...good answer. So its not too big for you then? I couldnt help but ask. He raised his eyebrows, looking a little taken aback by the question. Too big? He shook his head slowly. I dont even know what that means, he added seriously. Not in my vocabulary. Shit. I loved how this man talked. Damn... I let my breath out. You know just what to say, dont you? He didnt say anything right away. Well... He was still playing with my fingers, sending electrical shock waves through my entire body. Its only the right thing when you got the right person to say it to. Our waitress returned suddenly and distracted us for a moment, wanting to know if we were ready for another round. Ben ordered us some more drinks, all the while stroking and caressing my fingers without skipping a beat. Hey, so can I ask you something? He turned back to me as soon as our waitress was gone. I smiled. Sure. Whats up? Whos that dude in so many of your pics online?

I kind of laughed, flattered at his curiosity. I knew who he was talking about but I decided to ask anyway. Which dude is that? He smiled at me again. That black dude you keep huggin up in all your pictures... Oh thats just my boy, Tony, I teased him. We go way back. He raised his eyebrows at me. Oh yeah? I nodded. Yeah, since high school... We been best friends for forever but were always hot and cold too...whenever hes chasin some new piece of ass he drops me like a dirty shirt for at least a couple months... I shrugged. Just the way it is, I guess. I still love him though. Ben was giving me the strangest look. I eyed him, confused. What? You lost me, he admitted. I sighed. Well, you know how it is...most girls are in the habit of ditchin their friends for a while whenever a new man pops into their lives Tonys no different. He was still giving me that same horribly confused expression until something slowly started to dawn on him. Whoa...hold up a minute - He sat up a little further in his seat. I laughed. What? I was confused too until something started dawning on me as well and my eyes went wide. Dont tell me you couldnt tell hes gay! I laughed again, covering my mouth with my hand. Sorry, I just assumed...I mean, Tonys just such a flamer, it didnt dawn on me that anyone could think he was straight... Damn, girl... Ben sucked his teeth and leaned back in his seat again, running his hand back over his head for a minute. But then he sighed. You had me pretty scared there for a minute... Fuck. He seemed to be debating the thought again. Then he eyed me closely. So you sayin your best friends a dude a black guy too and hes gay. He repeated it. I sighed. You dont have a problem with that, do you? I couldnt hide my disappointment. Black guys especially Caribbean guys generally tended to run in the opposite direction, or at the very least, voice their grave concerns over the whole idea of my friendship with Tony. But Ben just sucked his teeth at me again, shrugging it off. No girl, relax... He smiled at me. I dont got no problem with that, he assured me. Just because Im a dread from da islands dont necessarily mean am some ignorant, homophobic prick or anythingbut I understand your concern, he threw in, teasing me. I smiled. Im sorry. Its just that its kinda been a deal-breaker for me in the past. How you mean? Well...in the past...when a guy Im interested in finds out that instead of maybe the usual pain-in-the-ass best friend hes typically used to dealing with in a relationship turns out to be a raging diva with a dick, they usually tend to run in the opposite direction, I admitted. Ben laughed at that. He really that bad? he wondered, looking amused. I thought he was your boy why you go talkin bout him like that? I rolled my eyes. Because its the truth and he knows it, I admitted. But hes seeing someone now so hes already kicked my ass to the curb again for the time being. Maybe Im a little bitter. Ben gave me a knowing glance. Its all good, he said slowly, watching me. More time for me. My heart did a little flip. So what about you? I wondered then. Do you have any deal-breakers I need to know about? Any dusty skeletons hanging out in your closet?

He let out a little laugh. Damn, you not letting up on me tonight, are you? He thought for a minute. But to be honest with you... He leaned forward slowly. I may not be used to this whole dating game and everything but one thing I know... He paused for effect and reached out and took my hand again. Never ever let any skeletons out the very first night. And then he pulled my hand up gently and gave my fingers a tender little kiss with those beautiful soft lips of his. I almost melted but I regained myself quickly and pulled my hand away playfully. Not fair, I protested. Ive already given you a few to ponder... But Ben just sucked his teeth. Gabriela, I aint heard or seen anything about you tonight that I cant handle, he said seriously. You got nothin to worry about. I smiled. So tell me then, I said softly. If youre so busy that you dont even have time to sleep, how is it that you have time to be here right now...with me? Hmmm... He eyed me again, looking to be debating whether or not to say what he was about to say. Because when I want something as bad as I want you, theres always enough time. I sucked in my breath. So you want me, huh? My voice came out all slippery and sexy I barely recognized it. He did that little barely noticeable lick of his lips as he stared me down. Gabriela, I wanted you from the first day I saw you, he admitted, without an apologetic hint in his tone whatsoever. I already told you, remember? I swallowed. So what you want me for? Everything, he said, without hesitation. But we can start with friendssee what happens I had to snap out of it. This conversation was leading down a very dangerous road. And as bad as I wanted it, it was moving far too fast for me. For someone who doesnt date a lot, you really do seem to know all the right things to say, I said again, downing the last of the wine in my glass. Well, I dont know... He looked to be thinking about it seriously. I dont think you need to date a lot to notice something or someone you like when you see it. I smiled at his observation. Yeah. Maybe youre right. He looked at me closely. So I guess its fair to say that youre feelin me too, right? Damn, this man was so fine. His voice was giving me goosebumps. I nodded slowly. I think that would be a fair assumption. Ysee? Its simple, he said then, picking up the new pint the waitress had just dropped off at our table. Once you got chemistry, aint nothin else to worry about whether you a serial dater or rusty as an old nail... He gestured toward himself. It all work out in the end. I laughed. Youre not rusty, Ben you seem pretty well-oiled to me actually. I picked up my wine and brought the glass to my lips. In all aspects, I added, suggestively. He raised his eyebrows. Damn. Youre a flirt, he stated simply. I was wrong about you, he teased me. I laughed again. What? Me? Yeah, you. Here I was thinking you were such a shy, quiet girl...but you bold as shit. I like it. I was still laughing. No, not really. This is just the wine talking. Hmmm...well then Im glad I decided to get you drunk tonight. This opens up another world of possibilities.

I stopped and eyed him suspiciously. Oh you think so, huh? I shook my head. You may be smooth but Im not that easy. He smiled. Well, good. He didnt seem bothered in the least. Neither am I.

Chapter Three When we stepped out of the pub about an hour a half later, I started to get anxious about what was next. I didnt want the night to end but it was already late, and I was pretty buzzed, and there was no way I could trust myself to say no if he asked me to go home with him. I wanted him so badly it was almost unreal. Every part of me was aching and reacting to him every look, every touch, every brush of his arm or his leg...the flip of my stomach as held the door for me and I caught another erotic whiff of that Armani cologne... So how you feeling? he asked as we stepped away from the door and into the warm, yet damp breezy night. The streets of Gastown were still abuzz with people, the night clubs were still hopping. I took a breath. I was tipsy and horny and there was only one possible cure aside from the obvious. Hungry, I answered simply. So you wanna go get something to eat? he asked, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. I smiled at the prospect of our date continuing. Sure where? I glanced around to see what our best options were. It was nearly one am, so I knew they would be limited. Ben thought too, looking around with me, but then just sucked his teeth. I dont know, girl...only thing open right now is pizza by the slice... Hmmm... That was disappointing. We would have to eat out in the street if we went that route. I got a better idea, though. He looked at me. You down? I kind of laughed. How can I be down if I dont know what it is? He smiled at me. Trust me. And for some reason, there was not even a question in my mind. Ben hailed a cab for us and only once we got inside and he gave our driver the address did I figure out his mysterious plan. Your restaurant? I asked, eyeing him suspiciously. Arent you closed too? Yeah, but I have a key. About ten minutes later our cab pulled up in front of the restaurant on Commercial Drive. He paid the driver and we stepped out in front of the building. I waited as Ben unlocked the front door and disarmed the alarm before entering with him. This time the restaurant truly was deserted. Ben hit the lights and I followed him inside slowly, studying my surroundings in a way that I wasnt able to do during my regular visits. I focused my attention on all the black and white photographs I had previously only glanced at in passing. I stopped in front of my favourite one the outdoor fruit market and what looked like a little tiki hut. There was an older woman selling fruit and a teenaged boy and a few other little kids standing nearby, one on a bicycle and another clutching a soccer ball. It was such a beautifully candid shot, so expertly photographed. But my eyes were suddenly focused in on the teenager leaning against the counter. Whoa Ben, I called him over. Thats you, I said, pointing.

He came up behind me and looked at where I was pointing. Nope, he said simply. Thats me. Instead he pointed to the younger boy on the bicycle. Oh, I said, surprised. Really? I studied the photograph again, finding it hard to believe. Cause he looks just like you. I motioned to the teenager again. I know, he said. Thats my brother we look a lot alike. And thats my grandmother. He pointed to the woman behind the counter. I stared at the photograph again closely. Its beautiful, I said then. They all are. Are these all your own personal photographs? I wondered, even more impressed, as I turned to him. He shook his head. No, my mothers, he said. Thats why shes not in any of the shots. Wow... I moved to glance over at a few more. Shes so talented... I stopped at the shot of the children playing soccer. Okay, thats you, I pointed, this time certain of it. He smiled. Yeah, you redeemed yourself, he told me. You still play? He shrugged, looking at the photograph again. A little...it was never as much my thing, he admitted. My brother was the athlete, I was more the geeky kid that liked to hang out with my grandmother and fry fish. He kind of laughed. I eyed him then, suspiciously. By the looks of his body there didnt seem to be anything nonathletic about him. Mmmhmm...if you say so, I teased him. So if thats the case then how do you... My voice trailed off and I just finished my sentence by giving him a suggestive up and down glance with my eyes. That made him laugh. What are you talking about? I sighed, still feeling the wine. You know... He shook his head, confused but amused at the same time. What the hell are you talking about, girl? Or are you just drunk? I am a little tipsy, I admitted. But what I mean is... I took a breath. How do you keep such a banging body if you dont work out? He raised his eyebrows at me. I never said I didnt work out...you like my body? Fuck, he was turning me on all over again. I laughed. Nah...Im more into the skinny, nerdy type you profess to be but...for some reason I still confused you with your brother. He nodded slowly. I see... Yeah...so if this is skinny and nerdy then I would be interested to see what you call athletic. I kept my eyes tightly glued to his. He didnt say anything right away, just held my gaze for what seemed like an eternity. He looked like he wanted to say something or do something but he held back. What? I couldnt stand it anymore. He shook his head slowly. Nothing...just thinking. About what? I was lost. He kept his eyes on mine. Just...you. Thinking about you...thinking about how you would feel if I told you Im about to try to kiss you. The blood seemed to rush through my veins at record speed. I caught my breath. How would I feel? I repeated. It was all I could manage. He nodded. Wondering if I should keep thinking about it...or just do it? I swallowed. Wet my lips. This was too much...

Youre asking me? Again, it was all I could come up with. He smiled then, just a little. Maybe I shouldnt ask you... I paused, my heart racing. Maybe... I admitted, as he brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. But its nice that you... My voice trailed off as those soft, beautiful lips of his took my breath away and I was suddenly overcome with his mouth and his tongue and that sweet scent of his cologne as he kissed me slowly, gently and then deeper and deeper as I started to respond to him. His hand caressed the side of my face so tenderly. I couldnt remember the last time anyone had kissed me like that. What struck me the most was that he just focused on my mouth, on the kiss... He was so attentive to that simple act that the rest of his body the rest of himself held back. I was trembling. And then he pulled away slowly. Hmmm... He let out a satisfied sigh. Sorry. His voice was so soft and deep. I cut you off. I caught my breath trying to regain my thoughts. Its okay...I didnt notice. He smiled. You still hungry? he wanted to know. I nodded slowly, still completely breathless. Famished. He kind of laughed. All right...come with me. He led me into the kitchen then as I was still trying to recover from that kiss, trying to decide if all of this was really happening or if it was just some extremely intense dream I was having. So what you feel for, Gabriela? Ben was talking then, after he had flipped on the stereo and some soft dub music filled the air around us. I tried desperately to snap out of this trance I was in, as I watched him move around his kitchen, grabbing an apron and a few pots, and then head toward his industrial-sized refrigerator. I didnt say anything and thats when he turned and looked at me. Are you okay? He looked concerned all of a sudden. Yeah... I let my breath out. Sorry Im just...Im fine. He didnt look completely convinced. You sure? he asked as I came up beside him. I nodded quickly, snapping out of it for good. What about...breakfast? I suggested. Can you make me some breakfast? Ben smiled. You got it, baby... His breakfast for me started with a simple fruit salad of oranges, bananas, mangoes and papaya, tossed with a passion fruit syrup, a hint of vanilla and a splash of lemon. He handed me a bowl and then took a bite of what was left in the dish he had mixed it in. This will help your buzz, he said simply, leaning up against the counter with me. Sorry its not chocolate. I laughed and took a bite. This is perfect, I admitted, licking off my spoon. It was absolutely delicious. Exactly what I needed. Im sobering up anyway. Hmmm...dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, he teased me, taking another bite from his bowl. You like pancakes? I smiled. Yup.

All right, cool... He turned back to his pantry, grabbing a mixing bowl and a medium sized saut pan. These are my daughters favourite I usually dont make this for anyone else... I smiled, remembering the video of his where he made a batch of mouth-watering banana pancakes, his adorable little girl assisting him as she meticulously peeled and then diced a bunch of bananas for him with a butter knife, just like a pro. It was absolutely priceless. I know... I admitted, before I could stop myself. I saw the episode. Ben laughed at that, though. Oh fuck, thats right... He stopped and grabbed a bunch of bananas, tossing them at me playfully. Then I guess you already know what to do. I laughed too and then took the station next to Ben and began my task of peeling and chopping the bananas as he got to work on the batter. He had a huge flat top so he was able to fry up all the pancakes in one shot and it took no time at all. He put me to work again flipping each one while he went to work on sauteing the bananas with some butter and brown sugar. I watched, admiring his skills as he tossed and swirled the contents of the pan, not even needing to use a spoon. I think we need to spice this up a bit, he said then, turning to me. What you think? It looks delicious, I said, unsure of what he was implying. Hmmm... He was debating something, and then he headed to the pantry and came back carrying a half-full bottle of Captain Morgan. I laughed. Damn...thats not in the recipe, I teased him. I know, its just for you, he told me. Watch ya eyelashes, he ordered jokingly, as he poured a splash of rum into the saut pan and then tipped it into the burner just until a ring of blue flames shot up from the contents of the pan. Wow, I feel so special, I admitted then, lifting the last of the pancakes onto the platter next to me. I can honestly say Ive never had a man flamb some bananas for me on a first date, I teased. Ben smiled. I know. He grabbed a plate and quickly fanned out three golden pancakes on it and then spooned a generous amount of the sauted bananas over them in one quick sweep. This is actually more like third or fourth date material. He held the plate out for me and raised his eyebrows apologetically. Im ahead of my game. But I just rolled my eyes at him, taking the plate from him. Shut up, I teased again. Youre making me look bad now. Its okay, he said simply, grabbing himself a plate. Am sure youll be able to make it up to me... I raised an eyebrow at him. Like how? He handed me a fork. Dont ask. We sat down to eat at a table in the corner of the restaurant. I couldnt remember ever eating anything as delicious as those pancakes, never mind in the middle of the night, whipped up by a man who used the amount of effort it took most people to boil water. How in the world was it possible for this man to be single? Seriously, though... I started, licking my fork slowly, and then feeling my face go warm as I caught him watching me. How can you not have a girlfriend, Ben? He looked to be thinking about my question seriously. I told you...Im too busy.

Somehow I wasnt buying it. Come on...Im sure thats not it...When was your last relationship? I was being a little too pushy, I knew that, but I couldnt help myself. He didnt say anything right away. He took a bite of his pancake, and chewed for another moment, stalling again. Even watching him eat turned me on. Three years ago, he finally admitted. My eyes went wide. Three years? I was a little shocked. Your baby-mama? He let out a little smile at me using the term again. No, not my baby-mama. And her name is Maria, he teased me. Hmmm... I smiled at him, unable to help myself. So someone else then? He nodded slowly. Its just...I dont know... I could tell he was having a hard time talking about it. It was a really fucked up thing that happened...and I dont really like talking about it. My heart started beating furiously again. I was pushing him too much. I decided to drop it. Im sorry...you dont have to tell me, I just...I was just curious, I told him quickly, trying to save myself. But Ben gave me a little look that seemed to tell me he wasnt really upset with me. Its okay...I can tell you, but...you may not like what you hear, thats all. Oh. My mind was racing again. That bad? He shrugged. Maybe... He watched me for another moment. We were together for about two years, he told me then. It was pretty serious. I wanted to marry her... He paused again, took another bite and thought, staring me down. Anyway...I dont know...we hit a rough patch. He stopped again. My mind was racing, but I just waited for him to go on. And she left me. He stopped again. That was it? I was terribly confused. Why did she leave you? I heard myself asking. He sighed. I could tell he really didnt want to tell me, but I could also see that he was going to. Because I cheated on her. I let my breath out then, finally understanding why he didnt want to tell me. I see... I dont know why I did it, he said then. I guess everyone says that, right? I stayed silent, though, willing him to continue with my mind. So... He thought for a moment. After that happened and she moved out and everything, she refused to see me or talk to me or anything...I tried everything I could to get her back, but I knew there was nothing I could do and deep down I knew it would never happen, but...I just couldnt stop loving her. And everyone knew that everyone close to me because I was a fucking mess for so long, so... His voice trailed off again. So thats why what happened next was like a knife in my chest. I was still trying to process what he was telling me. I had never imagined him opening up to me like this. What happened? I asked softly. She hooked up with my brother. My eyes went wide. Now everything made sense. Our previous conversation about family came flooding back to me. Fuck... I let my breath out, unable to hold back my shock. Ben... I got a hold of my bearings. Are they still together? He nodded. Yup.

I sighed, not sure what to say to that. Wow... I managed to find my voice. Youre right, that is fucked up...Im sorry. I caught myself. But Ben gave me the hint of a smile again. Its okay...Im okay, he stressed. I mean, it was kinda my fault, so... I shook my head though. Not that last part, I said seriously. Yeah, youre right, he admitted. But what happened was... He looked deep in thought again, as his voice trailed off. Me and my brother, we were always real close, yknow, so the whole time her and I was together, he was always around so...the whole thing just messed with my head in a way that I could never really make sense of completely... Even to this day I still find myself questioning everything. You and your brother dont talk anymore? I asked then. The thought of him losing the relationship with his only brother made me feel sad. I wanted to lean over and kiss him. Well... He looked like he was thinking about it. No, not really, he admitted. I mean, not like it was, yknow...hes tried but we just cant be cool like that anymore. What am I supposed to say to him? How am I supposed to be around him if she still around too? I cant. And even if she wasnt, I dont know if it could ever be the same again... He looked at me for a few moments. But the fucked up part is I still do miss him...you know, the way it was before. I thought about that. What about her? I didnt know why I couldnt stop asking him such messed up questions. They just seemed to keep flowing out of me before I could stop myself. But he didnt seem to mind. Thats a good question, he said then, surprising me. Ive spent a long time thinking about it and I always kept saying to myself, if I hadnt fucked up...if I hadnt gotten so mad...if we hadnt got into that fight and I hadnt gone out and got drunk and did what I did, then what? Because to tell you the truth and maybe you might find it hard to believe but I cant even remember it really... Remember what? Fucking somebody else, he said simply. I mean, I know that it happened and I can remember ever single detail of everything that went down after that, but that one night is just like one giant blur... He stopped for a moment. So I dont know... I spent all this time years actually regretting something I cant even remember, which if you think about it He took a small bite of his pancake before he continued, almost for some added dramatic effect. Thats probably the most fucking painful lesson anyone can get in life. And who knows? Maybe I needed to learn it... I didnt say anything right away and Ben just watched me closely for a few moments. But to answer your question...I miss what I had with her, he said quietly. I miss loving someone like that...and that closeness, yknow? ...But her? I dont know if I miss her. I dont even know who she is anymore. I still couldnt speak. I was still trying to process everything that Ben had told me. The pain and brutal honesty in his voice and his tone and his words seemed to just render me speechless. I had never had a man open up to me like that. Ben just kept watching me until finally he just lowered his eyebrows, giving me an apologetic half-smile. What did I tell you? Never ask a question unless you prepared to hear the answer. There was a lightness to his tone again, and as he took the last bite of his pancake, I couldnt help but smile back at him. I opened my mouth to speak but stopped myself. What? Ben wasnt letting me off that easy.

Nothing, just... I shook my head. What you said just now, it...well that was kinda profound, I admitted. Ben laughed softly. Which part? Everything, I said simply. Youre a very interesting person. Im a little blown away actually so Im sorry if Im acting like an idiot, youre just...having some effect on me. I looked down at my plate, which I had practically licked clean. Those were some really good pancakes. Ben kind of smiled. Im glad you liked them. There was something about these lingering silences between us that seemed to stir up so much sexual energy in me. He stood up slowly and started to gather up our plates. I could use a glass of water, you want one? I nodded and as he headed back to the kitchen I stood up to stretch my legs and try to once again regain my composure. When he came back into the room I turned to face him, leaning back against the table we had eaten on. He stopped in front of me, handing me a glass. Thank you, I said softly and took a small sip. I feel much better now. He nodded slightly, the look in his eyes suddenly much more serious. Me too... He set his glass down on the table behind me and as he reached around me, the closeness of his body and that now all-too-familiar scent of his skin made me tremble again. Without even realizing what I was doing, my hand was suddenly on his belly, my fingers crawling up the buttons of his shirt to his chest, where it opened, exposing his smooth dark skin, and my lips pressed against his neck, kissing him ever-so-lightly. I felt him sigh softly as I pulled away. That was nice... His voice was barely more than a whisper. Sorry, you just... I lifted my eyes up to meet his, smell so good... He smiled, but just barely. So do you... And then I felt his hands on my hips, moving up slowly until they rested in the dip of my waist. Im not drunk anymore, I heard myself say softly. Bens eyes were on my breasts, which were suddenly rising and falling ever so slightly with every breath I took. Damn... He let his breath out then as his hands tightened their grip around my waist. You are so beautiful... The words escaped him only seconds before his lips brushed against mine, and we began kissing so deeply. This time, though, as he kissed me my whole body just opened to him and I felt him press up against me, his hands as they reached lower, holding my hips and then slipping around me, gripping my ass until I was suddenly propped up on the table, my legs spreading apart, and him all of him pushing up against me in all the right places. I was immediately on fire and I heard myself moan so softly as his lips moved to my neck and his warm tongue started to make my skin tremble. Oh shit... I gasped as his hands squeezed my breasts, the thin fabric of my halter-dress only the tiniest of barriers, as I felt my nipples get hard under the palms of his hands. He pulled back then, just slightly, his eyes running like liquid down my body. He squeezed my thighs. I want you. His voice was so soft, but undeniably serious. He ran his hands over my shoulders, dropping the crocheted shrug I had on to the table, exposing my bare arms. I felt a slight chill before his mouth began taking over for his hands and his lips started trailing kisses all over my shoulder. His hand was running around my neck to the

knot that was holding up my dress. But he hesitated, teasing the strap with his fingers as his face pulled back again. His other hand moved back over my breasts then, tracing my cleavage with his fingers, just staring me down. He leaned forward and ever-so-gently ran his tongue over the swell of my breasts, his fingers still lingering on the strap of my dress. Waiting. I moaned softly. That feels good... I whispered, his tongue making my skin tingle with pleasure. Shit, baby. He pulled back suddenly, his hands back exploring my body through the thin fabric of my dress. If this aint happening, you gotta tell me now, he said then, sounding so very serious. I licked my lips, his words sending a rush of blood through my veins. I didnt want him to stop but his words also sent me a quick reality-check. He was right. If I wasnt going to do this, I had to stop him now. I dont want to stop, but... My voice trailed off, though, as his kiss took over and my mouth was overcome by his own once again. This was getting so out of control... Maybe we should slow down, I whispered, my reluctance apparent as I just went right on kissing him. Its okay... he said softly, pushing the hair from my face gently, which just made me want him even more. I reached out and touched his face then, kissing him again, tugging on those gorgeous lips. What kind of girl would I be if I let you fuck me the very first night? I wondered aloud. He didnt say anything to that, though. He was still staring at my body, his hands massaging my hips and my thighs, steering dangerously close to where I wanted to feel his touch the most. Where I was already so wet and ready for him. Baby, you have no idea what you doin to me, he said softly. Am not about to let you go... His mouth and his breath were sending shivers across my neck and my jaw. I dont have to fuck you to know that. Hmmm... I sighed softly, wrapping my arms around him tightly. Im glad you dont think Im just a bad tease, I joked softly. He laughed softly, pulling back reluctantly. I didnt say that... My eyes went wide. Wow... I smiled at that. That was mean. No, he said then, kissing me again gently as he held my hips, easing me down off the table. Mean is how you sending me home tonight...all alone and hard as fuck after having my hands all over this sexy body you got. His words made me just want to rip all his clothes off, but I caught my breath and resisted. Now you just making me feel bad, I said softly, gathering up my cardigan and slowly slipping it back over my shoulders. But at least youre honest, I threw in teasingly. He stepped back and just gave me this intense look of longing, but as frustrated as he looked, there was no resentment there, and it just made me want him even more. Where did this man come from??? Then just like that, my phone went off. Text message. It seemed to surprise both of us and made me realize for the first time that Ben had not touched his phone all night. Shit... I reached for my bag and pulled out my phone, knowing right away who it was. My phone said it was a few minutes to three. I opened the message, read it, and then let out a reluctant sigh. Sorry, I said softly, clicking it off again. Everything okay? Ben looked concerned.

Yes, its just...my aunt, I admitted. Since I was going out tonight I asked her to spend the night in case my mom needed someone and she just texted to see where I was. I think shed prefer to go home instead. Thats okay, Ben said, reaching out and pushing my hair behind my ear. I can call you a cab. Youre not going home? I was confused. I knew we lived in the same direction. Yeah, but Im just gonna clean up first and ting, he told me, getting out his phone from his back pocket. You should get home, you dont wanna piss off your aunt, cause we may want to do this again sometime. He started to dial. I smiled and waited for him to finish. I had a really good time, I said then, even though the truth went far beyond that simple statement. He leaned over and kissed me softly. You and me both. He waited with me outside the restaurant for my cab to pull up and then handed me a twenty dollar bill for the cab fare, even knowing I only lived a short ride away. I shook my head. Nope, I got this, I said adamantly. He sucked his teeth, giving me a little suspicious look, but didnt push. You always this stubborn? he wondered, pocketing the bill again. I laughed. Yes, I can be, I admitted, reaching for the door to the cab. He sighed. All right, well...text me when you get home. I leaned in and kissed him softly but as I moved to pull back he held my face between his hands and kissed me deeper. Fuck... He groaned softly as he finally released me, his sexual frustration apparent yet again. You too much, Gabriela... I smiled at him then, my eyes betraying me. I wondered if he could see how badly I wanted him without me saying a word. I held my tongue and just climbed into the back seat of the cab. My head was spinning the entire way home. I was true to my word and sent Ben a text message the minute I got into my bedroom. My aunt had decided to head home, worrying about leaving my two teenage cousins in an empty house all night long. Lately shed been mumbling about her issues with Diego, her seventeen year old, who was constantly out partying and drinking all hours of the night. I had a feeling it wouldnt be easy convincing her to spend the night again any time soon. I climbed into bed in my t-shirt and panties and as soon as my head hit the pillow I heard my phone vibrate on the night stand. <Stay safe beautiful. Sleep well.> His message made my insides turn and flip and drip all over again. That night as I lay in bed, I reached down between my legs and touched myself where I wanted Bens hands, fingers, mouth and cock so bad I could have screamed. I came so hard and so fast, stifling my moans as best I could with my pillow, but truthfully, that night I couldnt have cared less if my mother had heard every agonizing second of it.

Chapter Four Ben consumed my every thought from that day on. We texted each other that weekend a lot, but we didnt see each other. I spent Saturday with my mom, running errands and doing housework, and on Sunday afternoon Tony had already roped me into going to the mall with him to buy some new jeans. I sent Ben a text joking that he should come join us, that Tony had excellent fashion sense and his response to that cracked me up immediately. <If I was interested in another man dressing me I probably wouldnt be wasting all this time textin your sexy ass.> And then he went on to tell me that he was taking his daughter Sophie to the park and then spending the rest of his day off sleeping, but I was more than welcome to come join him in bed. I rolled my eyes, but was still amused at his suggestive response. He was such a man... <Call me tonight>, I texted him just before I headed out the door to meet Tony. I prayed he would. Girl, what did you do to your hair? Tony gave me a suspicious grimace as soon as I walked into Starbucks to meet him. I rolled my eyes. What are you talking about? I sighed, sinking down onto the seat across the table from him and tossing my purse down next to me. I didnt do anything to my hair, I shot back, taking a long sip of my chai-tea latt. Theres something different about you, he said, eyeing me up and down, not letting it go. Maybe thats because I met a man and it took all my strength not to fuck his brains out Friday night, I groaned, still secretly wishing I had. So I guess its taken a toll... Tonys jaw nearly hit the floor. What the fuck? He made a dive for his iPhone. He on your facebook? I hesitated. Why? What are you doing? Checking him out. Whats his name? Im not telling you that. I dont trust you. Hes too amazing and I know you would do something stupid like send him a message. Tony rolled his eyes. Stop the fuckin dramatics. Whats his name? I sighed. Ben, I gave in easily, and then waited briefly as he madly searched through my contacts until hed located his profile. His eyes popped open again. You craving some more black dick, I guess... Hes fine, though, even though I cant see much from his pic... He squinted into the screen of his phone again. He owns The Rock, that Caribbean joint next to my work, I explained. Oh snap you serious? My aunty took me there last month. The food is da bomb even though I try to steer clear of those island restaurants... Always lookin at me like they ready to fag-bash me as soon as I hit the mens room... He let out a little dramatic shudder at the thought.

I shook my head. Tony, he is so amazing...and hes so sweet and so smart and so gentle and... My voice trailed off, completely lost in my thoughts again. Hes so different too. I told him all about me and you he didnt even bat an eye. He lowered his eyes at me. You told him about me? Yes, I insisted. And then I just lost it and told him every last detail from how we met, to all the youtube videos, and then everything from that amazing date wed had, including the panty-wetting makeout session on top of the table. He listened to me go on and on for over twenty minutes and when I was finally finished I decided to forgive him for ignoring me for over a month. He had let me have my moment. Why the fuck didnt you give it up? He looked a little shocked once I had finished my story. I mean, in a way Im glad you didnt, but you havent had any dick in what? Six months or some shit... He shook his head. I sighed. He just seemed too good to be true, to be honest. I fell so hard, I didnt want to wake up the next morning just waiting and praying for him to call me I really cant go down that road again. He sighed. Well, Im proud of you. You dont deserve any more bullshit, like people disrespectin your moms and shit like that... My eyes went wide. You wouldnt believe it! I said suddenly, remembering. She made tea this morning! I woke up and raced to the kitchen, I was hearing all this noise like she used to make in the middle of the night a few years ago when she was having all that fucking insomnia I almost had a heart attack! And she was just sitting there at the table...drinking some fucking tea, Tony... He smiled, and I could tell that he of all people understood my excitement. Thats awesome, Gabby...and... He stopped for a moment, looking troubled again. I just want to apologize for flakin out on you this past while, I was just goin through so much shit with that dick-wad Jason... I sighed. So they had broken up. And here I had been hoping Tony had turned a new leaf... About an hour later as the two of us were browsing through the racks at H&M, I heard my phone go off. It was Ben. <Hows the shopping going sexy lady?> His text made my heart flutter again and I tipped my phone for Tony to see. He sucked his teeth at me, turning back to the rack of jeans he was scouring through. I give it, like three days max and youll be fucking him. Then I just stopped dead in my tracks. Tony looked at me and saw the look of horror on my face. What? He stared me down and then slowly turned, following my eyes to what had me stunned like a deer in some headlights. I couldnt take my eyes off him. It was Ben. He was standing a few rows away next to a beautiful full-figured white girl a little bigger than me, but proportioned just right. She had beautiful reddish-brown hair tied in a messy side-braid and a pair of skinny jeans that accentuated her thick legs and huge ass.

As I stared I saw her laugh at something Ben said and her hand grazed his back so tenderly. I was going to be sick. What? Tony demanded, his eyes still darting back and forth. Is that him? His eyes were suddenly on fire. I nodded slowly, my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. I was about to cry and Tony could see it. Fucking asshole! Tony was losing it. And then, before I could even manage a response, he was marching his skinny ass right over to the two of them. No, Tony... I started to protest, but then as soon as Bens head turned in my direction, I really needed to stop him. Tony! I called even louder. It wasnt Ben. As the flood of relief started to wash over me another kind of panic set in as I hurried over to stop Tony from confronting him. But I was too late. What the fuck? Tonys eyes were shooting daggers at the two of them. Both of them turned to look at Tony with complete confusion on their faces. And thats when I knew for certain. It was Bens brother. There was no question in my mind. The similarities were far too strong even down to their dreadlocks, but then again, his brothers were hidden under a black-brimmed tam so it was hard to say. How you going do my girl like that? Tony demanded, staring down Bens brother like he was about to pounce on him. Of course, the fight between the two of them would have been the definition of an unfair advantage. Tony, with his piddly 130 pounds and five foot seven frame was no match for his opponents six feet and something like 170 pounds of lean, hard muscle. What? Bens brother stared back at Tony like was completely insane. But the girl he was with undoubtedly Bens ex had a sudden look of horror on her face as she saw me come up behind Tony. Sorry! I interrupted quickly. Im really, really sorry... I stammered pathetically. Men like you make me fucking sick! Tony would not shut up. How you going play my girl and then show up here with this bitch hangin off your arm? Bens ex-girlfriends eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as her jaw hit the floor. Bens brother suddenly had much more than confusion dancing in his eyes. Now it was something a little closer to rage. Who the fuck are you? he demanded suddenly. Oh shit, even the voice was the same. And the accent. And who the fuck is you callin a bitch? Bens brother took a threatening step closer to Tony. Tony! I jumped between them suddenly. Its not him! I practically shouted, then turned my focus back on the two of them. Im so sorry, this is just one huge misunderstanding Tony, please just back the fuck up, its not him. What? Tonys eyes went wide with embarrassment. Oh shit. My bad... Im really sorry, I said again, turning back to the two of them, and then grabbed Tony by the arm. Tony, lets go... Whoa hold up a minute. She finally spoke. Whats this all about? I looked back over at the two of them, wishing I could just bolt to the door. I turned to Bens brother. Im sorry, its just that you look a lot like someone I know and Tony thought that...well, you know...

Well you cant blame me, Tony protested in his own defense. You looked like you were about to bust into tears and you were only like ten feet away from him what the fuck you expect me to do? Tony, shut up, I pleaded desperately. Bens brother focused in on Tony again. Just so you know, the next time you try step up to a brother like that, you goin have more than fancy words a deal with fi real. Ivan, its all good, she thought you were Ben. It happens. Bens ex spoke the words I had dreaded the most. Shit, you know him? Tony and his big fat fucking mouth. I wanted to punch him myself. Suddenly, though, the two of them were focusing a lot more attention on me than on Tony. Yeah, we know him. Ivan spoke. Its all good. Apology accepted. I could tell he was ready to drop the subject. Thank you, I said quickly, desperate to take advantage of the out hed given us. Again, Im really sorry. Tony, lets go. I grabbed his arm again and nearly dragged his ass right out of the store. So after the horror of the chaos that ensued inside H&M, I didnt even send Ben a reply to his text message. I just kept trying to figure out how to explain it all to him should I have to. I went through various different scenarios of how the news of it would get back to him. I knew my name had never been mentioned, but Tonys sure was. And any description made of the raging maniac that confronted the two of them would undoubtedly have Tonys name written all over it. And I had told Ben all about him. So when Bens number popped up on my phone, his call came as a complete shock until I remembered that I had asked him to call me and a smile crossed my lips in the wake of all the drama I was dealing with. He had called. Hello? I answered on the third ring. Hey...whassup pretty lady? His smooth, sexy voice was teasing me already. I decided to forget the drama for the time being. Im good. How are you? Not too bad, he admitted. His voice sounded too relaxed. I figured he was already in bed. Just thinking about you. I melted. I curled up on the sofa, wrapping myself in my mothers afghan. She had gone to bed early and Id been sitting in the living room channel-surfing when hed called. You were, huh? I tried not to show my excitement, but I knew it was obvious that I was pleased. I was, he repeated. I think I been doing that a little too much lately. Hmmm... I felt my stomach tie up in knots and I was lost for words. So how was your day shoppin with ya boy? he teased me. Oh crap. I racked my brain for a suitable response. It was pretty crazy actually, but then again so is he so... Oh yeah? Crazy how? I thought for a minute. Why the hell couldnt we be talking about something else?

I dont know...I havent seen him in a while so there was just a shit-load of gossip to catch up on, you know how we girls do it... I kind of laughed. Actually I dont know how you do it but Id love to find out. Wow...listen to you... I sighed. But who knows...maybe you wouldnt like it, I teased him back. I dont think I have to worry about that. He didnt sound troubled. Yeah, probably not. I couldnt deny it. So what about you? Did you have a nice day with Sophie? Yup. We chilled out at Grandview Park with my sister and her son. After I take her home I went to check one of my friends on Granville Island just open that new fish and chips place, you been there yet? Salt and Batter? I guessed. Yeah, I went there with Tony a few months ago the line-ups were crazy! I know. I was pretty impressed myself he doin good. So are you friends with all the big shot up-and-coming chefs in this city? I teased him again. I sure am, he played along, making me laugh. So what does that get me? Have I scored a lot of points with you yet or do I still got some work to do? Hmmm... I thought. I cant lie. Youre doing pretty good, Ben. He laughed softly in that sexy way of his. He drove me absolutely mad with passion. Good...cause it aint easy, you know... I dont believe you. I think you know exactly how hot you make me. I just couldnt help myself. Damn, baby... I could tell my words had shocked him a little. You been drinking again tonight? I smiled. No. How you make me feel does not depend on alcohol. Not in the least. Well... I could tell he was enjoying my compliments. I guess thats a relief. I just cant believe you let me go Friday night without even putting up a fight. The words escaped me before I even knew what I was saying. Hearing his voice again was just making me so crazy... Well... He seemed to be processing my last comment. Would you have preferred if I had? No...yes...fuck, I dont even know anymore, I admitted. So...Gabriela... I loved it when he said my name... You do know I want much more than just sex from you, right? Yes...I think so, I admitted. Im just not used to anything quite like this. Like what? You just seem so... My voice trailed off. So what? Honest, I admitted. He didnt say anything right away. You not used to honest? He sounded so serious. I sighed. No, not really. I know its probably a terrible thing to admit that youre not a very good judge of character but...I seem to doubt myself a lot and generally my fears are confirmed. Hmmm... He was thinking. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself, baby...you worth a lot more than I think you know.

I caught my breath. You see, Ben...you say things like that and I just...I dont even know what to do with that. He laughed a little. Why you say that? I dont know, I admitted. I guess my world is just so complicated that...why would anyone want to get mixed up in alla this? Dating me is like...dating a teenager with an eleven oclock curfew. I hated to even say it, but it was the truth. You know... His voice was so soothing. I could listen to him talk all night long. Ive met a lot of people in my life and many different kinds of women and I can tell you what youre doing for your mother is more impressive nah, fuck that its more admirable than any amount of money, lifestyle, or...what? Accessibility? Come on now, I think I can handle the fact that I may have a bit more limited access to you than I may be used to. I couldnt believe what I was hearing. I see... I didnt know what to say. Im serious. You need to relax, baby, because I like you. You just gonna have to learn to accept it. I laughed at that. Accept that you like me... I repeated. Thats not so hard, is it? Another thing you should know about me is Im very patient, he told me softly. Tenderly. Almost like he was caressing me with his words. I dont mind waiting to get what I want ...as long as I get it some day, cause...well...I like what you got. A lot... I let my breath out slowly. I really dont think I can trust myself in a room alone with you again, Ben. I was losing my mind. I was already dripping wet just listening to his voice. My fingers were already moving lower, teasing the waist of my panties. Well...as long as you trust me then...its all good. His words kept soothing me, and I decided to let my fingers play along with him. Trust you to do what? I wanted to know. Take care of you, he answered, without hesitation. Hmmm... I moaned softly, before I could catch myself. How? How? Ben repeated me slowly. Give you what you want, Gabriela. Thats how. His voice was just making me drip and ache all over. How do you...know what I want? My voice broke, and I feared I was giving myself away. Quickly. I felt the smile behind his soft, sexy sigh. Because I can feel it. Just like I can still feel those pretty lips of yours all over mine. They were telling me what you want. Silent but deadly. So Im a listen better next time, I promise. Hmmm... I gasped, and bit my lip. Would you like that? Yes. My voice was barely a whisper. What are you doing? I wasnt fooling him, and now he let me know it. Listening to you, I said simply. Does it feel good? What? Listening to me. Yes, it feels very good, I said softly. You have a way with words and with...your mouth.

He sighed softly, amused. You aint seen nothin yet, baby... His voice poured over me like liquid and I squirmed. Yes...I can only imagine, I said then, recovering my voice. Maybe one day youll show me. Show you what? What you can do with your mouth. I was really pushing it now. I didnt even recognize this side of myself... Hmmm... That made him sigh softly. I would love to...and I would love to see you right now...and see just what youre doing right now. Oh fuck. I let my breath out. He really had me going now. You know...so I can see exactly how you like it. Oh, I think you know exactly what I like... My breathing was getting heavier. So then you know I would do anything to please you. Oh...shit. He didnt say anything for a moment. I heard some rustling noises in the background. I imagined him naked in his bed. I thought I heard the sheets brush up against his phone. And then his voice... Baby, I wanna make you come so hard and so deep that nothin else matter anymore...I want you to give me everything. Ohh... I gasped, panting faster and faster, but I bit my lip hard when I came, shaking in silence. Ben waited for my breathing to slow, listening to me. You okay? he asked finally. Yes. I found my voice, still a little shocked at myself. Did I really just fucking do that...with Ben listening to me on the other end of the line? That had to have been the tamest, quickest phone sex in all of history. Im great...Im just... You just what? he wanted to know. I just cant believe I did that. I was past the point of caring what I said anymore.... Really, what was the point? Ben let out a little laugh. What did you do? he teased me. I still dont know... Okay... I smiled, pulling the afghan tighter around me. Thats smart of you. Lets just leave it a mystery then.

Chapter Five The work week dragged by in a haze of pure bliss, longing and frustration. The texting, late night phone calls and brief meetings during the day at work were sending my libido skyrocketing and made my passion for Ben grow deeper and deeper with every passing hour. He hadnt lied to me he was a very busy man. He usually got to the restaurant by ten am and didnt leave until eight or nine in the evening, sometimes even until they closed at ten. It made spending any real time together during the week next to impossible, considering I had to be home with my mother no later than eleven. But on Wednesday evening hed asked me to come by the restaurant after work so we could have dinner together. We were standing around in the kitchen afterwards, having a drink and chatting with a few of his kitchen staff and Lena, when the back door leading to the alley swung open and a young kid about fifteen or sixteen strolled inside. He was dressed in a pair of baggy khakis belted half-way down his ass and a white wifebeater. He had a Knicks cap pulled down over his tight corn-rows and a pair of massive headphones draped around his neck, Jay-Z blaring from the speakers. He just nodded at us all casually and headed toward the refrigerator. Wow...look who decides to grace us with his presence, Lena called out, rolling her eyes, the annoyance on her face not lost on me for a second. The kid turned around, cracking the top of a can of Coke and grinned at her. What up Lena, you miss me? Levi, if it was up to me, your sorry little behind wouldnt even still be workin here so... She sucked her teeth and waved him off with her hand What? Levi pulled out his phone and then glanced back at all of us innocently. It aint even six yet... He leaned back against the counter, taking another long swig of his soda. I looked over at Ben, who was just eyeing him up, his expression stuck somewhere between irritation and amusement. He pulled open a drawer next to him. Yo! he called out, addressing Levi finally himself, as he tossed him an apron. What you still standing around for? This aint no cocktail party... Daaamn... Levi drawled, as he reluctantly moved to fasten the apron around his skinny waist. I dont know what yall be trippin over all the time am here, aint I? But he turned and headed over to the dish washing station, still muttering under his breath. I turned back to Ben and Lena, giving them a quizzical look of amusement. The scene was pretty funny, I had to admit it. Lena opened her mouth to say something but Ben cut her off. Dont wanna hear it Im the one payin him, not you. Mmmhmm... She rolled her eyes yet again. Blood runs deeper than water, so they say, right? Ben turned to me then and nodded his chin over in Levis direction. Thats my nephew, he said, explaining finally. Oh... I kind of laughed. All makes sense now.

But Lena still didnt look ready to let it go. She glanced around briefly and lowered her voice only for us to hear. Ben, that kid strolls his ungrateful little ass in here whenever the fuck he feels like it, like you owe him or something its not right. I was a little surprised at her directness, but Ben didnt look bothered. I know that, but at least if hes here, he cant get into any trouble any place else, and I promised his mom Id look out for him. We been through all this before. You act like you aint ever been there...hes a kid, cut him a little slack Lena sighed, a bit of a defeated expression on her face. I thought when you hired me you were ready to play hard ball, you know...bust some fucking chops, take out the trash, as they say... She narrowed her eyes at him. Since I been here you havent let me fire even one incompetent asshole draggin this place down... Ben laughed and glanced over at me. Shes just kidding, he assured me. Lena shook her head slowly. Kinda, she admitted. But kinda not too... She sighed then, downing the last of her ginger beer. All right, Im a head back out front nice seeing you again, Gabriela... And with that, she was off. Hmmm... I addressed Ben finally, now that we were alone. She doesnt hold back much, does she? Ben was still chuckling softly to himself. Nope...but we were friends long before this gig so we have an understanding. I glanced back over at Bens nephew. So hes your brothers son? Me and my little prying mind were not letting up. He nodded slowly. Yup... Then he fixed his eyes back on mine. Am gonna head out to pick up some supplies, you wanna come for a drive? Ill drop you home after... I smiled. Sounds good to me. We headed over to a big restaurant supply warehouse over on East Hastings and made our way through the aisles with a big cart that Ben began loading up with bulk items giant sacks of flour, sugar, every kind of spice known to man along with cleaning fluids, dish soap, toilet paper... I was impressed with his efficiency. I was completely overwhelmed. These kinda places freak me out, Ben, I admitted, as he leaned over to haul a massive sack of corn meal into his cart with the ease of someone who lifted weights for a living. My mind kept wandering to what that body of his could do with me... He kind of laughed. Why? I dont know...Id get so lost in here by myself. I had to have security help me find the exit at IKEA a few weeks ago, I said in all seriousness. Yeah, you know, come to think of it, you not much of a help right now, he teased me. Yeah, sorry about that, I laughed, studying the contents of the cart again. I dont know how youre gonna fit all this in the back of the Escalade, though... Dont you worry, baby, he said, turning back to the next item on his list. Am real good at fittin big things into tight spaces... My jaw dropped and my eyes popped open, a sudden rush of blood surging through my veins. It took me a few seconds to catch up with him, though, as Ben hadnt even batted an eye at his dirty little comment, and was already busying himself further up the aisle from me.

 Ben pulled his Escalade onto the street in front of my house after expertly managing to load up the trunk and back seat with all the supplies hed bought. He glanced out at the modest duplex my mom and I rented near the corner of Fraser and 14th. Not exactly the greatest neighbourhood the city of Vancouver had to offer. He turned to me, giving me a little lift of the eyebrows. Well...you home. I smiled at him. Thanks for the ride. Thanks for the company, he said smoothly. So you still coming by my place on Saturday? His question caught me a little off-guard. Saturday? He kind of laughed. You forget already? Damn, girl, you makin me feel bad... What? How? I wanted to lean over and kiss him. You said you wanted to come check out my little video shoot, remember? He gave me a little sideways glance and raised his eyebrows. He made me laugh all over again. Shit, Ben...thats right. Of course I am, I told him, my heart racing and my mind suddenly spinning, trying to figure out how to arrange everything on the home front. What time? He thought about it. I dont know...like maybe three or four...I would come get you but am gonna kinda have my hands full with prep and bunch of last minute shit it can get a little hectic. No, no, thats okay, I said much too eagerly. Ill find my way, dont worry. All right. He smiled. Ill call you. I gave him a little knowing look. Ill try to answer, I teased him. He sucked his teeth at my terrible joke but then just reached out and squeezed my thigh gently, sliding his hand between my legs and squeezing again, all the while looking at my body like he was starving. Fuck, that man had a way with his hands... Then just as quickly he looked back up and met my eyes. Okay...you can go now, he said smoothly. Damn...yes, sir. I let my breath out, secretly aching for more, and I reached for the door handle, trying to hide my disappointment. But I waited. Anything else? I glanced back over at him. Like what? he wanted to know. I dont know... I said softly. Maybe a kiss...or another grope...whatever you prefer. He raised his eyebrows, amused. Why should you have all the fun? he asked slowly, deliberately, eyeing me closely. Come to think of it, you havent even copped a feel or nothin...am startin to feel a little neglected. My mouth fell open as I stared back at him with a mixture of shock, amusement, and pure arousal. You did not seriously just say that. Yeah, I just did. He didnt skip a beat. So what you gonna do about it? I bit my lip, thinking. What you want me to do about it? But Ben just shook his head at me. Nah, I dont play that way...I dont ask for anything...I just wait for it to come to me. Fuck, this man had skills. I licked my lips. Well, then... I thought again. I guess its a good thing youre so damn patient.

I leaned over quickly and gave him a soft little peck on the cheek and swung open my door. See you later. My heart didnt stop racing for a good couple of hours. Whos your favourite reggae artist? We were on the phone the next night. I had just crawled into bed when my phone rang at about eleven pm, and when I checked the number my heart started beating immediately. He always called so late and kept me up for a couple hours. And as much as I knew he wanted it, it was never for a booty call. Not that I could have accommodated him with that anyway, considering I couldnt leave the house, but it felt nice anyway. He was quizzing me now. I would have to get on my game. I figured this would surprise him. Well...Gregory Isaacs. A slight pause on his end. See, that surprise me... I laughed. I know. Actually, my girlfriend Corinne from high school that I would get high with all the time had all these old school reggae LPs...they were her dads...he was this weird hippie that lived in Jamaica in the 1970s, I explained. Another pause. Yeah, Jamaicans some weird-ass people dem... he teased me, kicking up his accent a notch. You kinda look like a young Gregory Isaacs, I teased him. Oh really? He chuckled at that. He was kinda small though I laughed. Yeah, youre right. We got into all that stuff, though...Burning Spear, Culture, Bob of course, Inner Circle fuck, who else? My mind was racing. We even got some fake IDs and got into see Lucky Dube at the Commodore. I was at that show. My mouth dropped open. What? How do you know? Because Lucky only been here once in the past twelve years. And then he died. Oh. He got me. Hmmm. Funny, I didnt see you there, I teased him back. I was in the back in a corner hitting on some Swedish girl all night, he answered simply. I laughed again. Did it pay off? A soft laugh on Bens end. Of course. You say it with such reluctant modesty. Not reluctant or modest, he corrected me, jokingly. Why doesnt that surprise me? I shot back. Aww...come on now... His sexy voice again. I took a breath, recovering myself. Okay, yours. My what? Your favourite reggae artist. I have a few. Go ahead. My ears perked up. Depend on my mood. Name some.

Buju Banton. Richie Spice. Me like some old-school Shabba sometimes too, yknow. Hmmm... I thought. Hip-hop? Roots. Mos Def. Outkast. Favourite movie. I was enjoying this now. Shaft. Never heard of it. Pick another one. Ben laughed. I dont know...anything Tarantino...thats one brilliantly fucked-up mind...kinda like me, he teased. I see... I smiled to myself. Favourite TV show. The Boondocks. Chappelle Show. The Discovery Channel. Shit like that. I laughed at the combination. Hmmm...favourite food. Depend on my mood. I laughed again. Okay, favourite food according to your current mood. Lays...Ruffles...Original flavour... I laughed. Potato chips? Seriously? I thought I had heard some crunching. This coming from the super chef? I dont cook a lot at home, he said simply. No point really. Interesting. Why did this man fascinate me so much? Okay, favourite sport. Soccer...and basketball. Ive been bowling before too. He was teasing me now. Favourite drink. Guinnessor rum punch with soursop and guavacarrot juice and callalloo, if I feel like bein a good boy I giggled. Favourite sexual position. It was out of my mouth quickly before I had a chance to rethink my impulse. Slight pause on Bens end. Inside. I laughed. Not fair. Really? I could almost see him smiling, that sexy voice picking up again. I cant give away all my secrets. Okay. I rethought. Age. I already told you that. I smiled. No...age when you...you know...tried a sexual position out for the first time. No hesitation. Fifteen. Hmmm... I was feeling bold again. Kinkiest shit youve ever done. He laughed at that one. I cant tell you that. Why not? I couldnt hide my disappointment. Dont wanna scare you off. That quiet sexy voice was back again. You think it would? He was starting to turn me on again so badly. Who knows? he said easily. But am actually more worried bout spoilin the surprise... My mouth fell open. Damn... I let my breath out and I heard Ben laugh softly. Youre so presumptuous. About some things. Things like whether or not youre gonna get laid? I guessed, teasing him some more. Ben laughed again. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Remember that, he teased me back. But you and me...well... His voice trailed off.

What? I asked, much too eagerly. Well...I just think with you and me its not really a question of if, its more a question of when and so in that case, I need to watch what I say, he admitted. I swallowed. In what way? I just dont think I should lay all my shit out on the table when it comes to sex with someone who I... His voice trailed off again. Who you what? I wanted to know. Who youre planning to fuck? Slight pause. Youre such a smart girl. I just laughed again. Well in that case...truth is you dont know...maybe telling me would spark my interest. Ive already sparked your interest. I just couldnt stop giggling. Fuck, he was full of himself... Damn... Ben was laughing at my giggling. If I didnt know better, Id think you just done get high with me... I stopped laughing. Did you just get high? Yes, maam. I let my breath out. Jealous. Hmmm... He thought for a moment. Didnt know that...shoulda mentioned that. You know Id hook a pretty girl like you up any time, Gabriela. Free of charge too. Well, arent you kind. It was my turn to use my sexy voice. Yes. And suddenly he was all serious. In one word. I caught my breath. So no kinky shit for me then, I guess... Nah...I never said that, he insisted smoothly. What kinda kinky shit you want? And I laughed again. You see that? See what? He was amused along with me. You see how you just turn the question back at me like that? Now who aint playin fair, huh? I wanted to know. I just answered my twenty questions. Your turn now. Oh! I decided to play along. So what are my favourite musicians, movies, sports and drinks? I played innocent. I could sense his smile. You know I dont care about any of that, he teased me back harshly. And I sucked my breath in, wrapping myself up tighter in my blanket. I loved talking to him so much... Typical, I sighed. So what you care about? Well, except the food question, he admitted softly. That might come in handy again some day... Whats your favourite food, Gabriela? Sweet Ben was back, trying to redeem himself. I smiled. Those really super garlicky Gyros from Falafel Palace, with an insane amount of tzaziki sauce, I joked. Damn, baby, thats sexy, he was teasing me again. Can you imagine me feeding you one a those in bed? It was pretty funny, but the mention of Ben and me in bed together was nothing but dead serious business. My insides quivered and shook from the thought. Hmmm... I sighed. No, but I can imagine those pancakes of yours in bed though. You liked that, huh? He was pleased, I could tell. Okay, next question.

I smiled. So... I waited. He was thinking about this one. So...if you were all alone for twenty-four hours all by yourself, no one to bother you, talk to you, need somethin from you, distract you nothing. What would you do? I didnt expect this. I was at a loss. This was a serious question. One that if I took some real time to think about I was sure I could come up with a much better answer. But I just decided to take a deep breath and go with the flow instead. Well, lets see...first I would probably run a scorching hot bubble bath and soak for as long as it takes me to listen to my favourite album back to back at least two or three times. Then Id probably catch the sea bus to North Van and watch the seagulls from the pier, listening to the buskers, drinking latts and smoking cigarettes. Then Id go to Robson and try on all the Jimmy Choos I can fit into and stand up on and fantasize about walking out in a pair of fire-engine pumps. Then Id buy myself a new knock-off hand bag, a bottle of wine, some Ben and Jerrys, and go home and watch a bunch of really sappy tear-jerker foreign films usually in Portuguese since Id be way too lazy to read subtitles at that point and go to bed. Well...maybe throw in a quick little browse through youtube or some soft-core porn on my lap top, and then go to bed. I sighed and let my breath out. Ben didnt say anything right away and I worried for a moment that I might have weirded him out. But then I heard him let his breath out and I could feel his smile. Whats your favourite album? His question surprised me. Sinead OConnor. Faith and Courage. Slight pause. So watching me on youtube turns you on to porn, huh? His voice was slow. Deliberately sexy. I smiled. I guess so... I had no sense to deny it. Maybe I shouldnt say that, huh? I kept my tone soft. Longing. I was so wet for him... Well... His voice was soft too, matching mine. You in a bubble bath is all the porn I would need. I gasped. You know I dont really... My voice trailed off. You dont really what? Ben wanted to know. I dont really...you know...get like this with well, with guys that I just met... I stopped myself. This wasnt the right thing to say. Its okay. Bens soft, serious voice was back again, pulling me in. Im not rushing you, baby. Take all the time you need. To be honest... He paused and I held my breath, waiting. I just love the way you put a smile on mi face before I go to sleep at night, so...am not complaining. I smiled. So youre happy just getting all hot and bothered over the phone? Ben laughed softly. No. Thats your job, baby, he teased me back, cranking up the sexy in his voice again. I have no idea what youre talking about, I lied unconvincingly. Ahh... He was still chuckling softly at me. So you dont secretly play with yourself when youre on the phone with me and then act like you dont know what am talking about when I call you on it? I laughed, my face flushing. Ohhh....that. I shrugged it off. That was just a minor lapse, I dont know why...I must have just been ovulating or something. I bit my tongue. Fuck, I was an idiot...

But Ben laughed. Damn. You must ovulate a lot more than once a month. Fucking you could get dangerous. My insides flipped at the thought. Hmmm....maybe, Ben, I admitted, laughing along with him. Im actually well known for my...multiple ovulations. Ben sucked his teeth at that, still laughing. You have a terrible sense of humour. I sighed. Well, as long as youre calling me out on stuff, may as well keep going... Its kinda cute, though... What is? Your bad jokes, he admitted. I see. I thought. So you just laugh out of politeness then? He sighed. Im a nice guy. Ohhh... I made a face. Im not really into nice guys, I teased, needing to get him back. Thats too bad, he shot back easily. What kinda guys you into, Gabriela? That smooth, sexy voice was just too much for me... I took a breath, thinking. Well...tall...dark...ripped...the kinda guy who pretends to be nice just so he can get a girl into bed...total bad-ass. I sighed, laughing to myself. Hmmm... Ben didnt say anything. I took a chance. Youre not that guy, are you? Not even close.

Chapter Six Tonys birthday was that weekend, and since it was already a complete no-brainer that I would be ditching him on Saturday, I couldnt say no to a little club-hop he had planned for Friday night. My mom had been having an amazing week feeling better and stronger than she had in months, and so she all but forced me out the door on Friday night, saying I could ditch the eleven oclock curfew and she would call if she needed me. I didnt feel good about it, but she knew I needed to be there for Tony shed always had a soft spot for him, ever since we were kids. We were meeting at a tapas bar on Davie Street and I decided to duck into Shoppers Drug Mart on the way there to grab a lipstick and a pack of smokes. As I browsed the aisles I started to think about Ben and how I would be seeing him the next day him, his house, and watching him shoot one of his videos it couldnt get any better. But I missed him. Our phone conversations werent enough anymore. I need to see him in the flesh. I tried to cast away my daydreams as I tried to focus on the task at hand scouring the make-up aisle when I spotted her. It was Bens ex-girlfriend. Again. How was it even possible? She was standing a ways down the aisle from me, carrying a shopping basket and looking every bit as good as she had the previous week. I knew I should have bolted before she saw me but I was just too curious. She was wearing those killer skinny jeans again and a pair of knee-high pointy-toed flat boots and an oversized t-shirt, belted at the waist. It was the same look I tried to pull off all the time, but for some reason it just seemed to look better on her. And she was so pretty with that silky straight red hair, deep-set green eyes and porcelain skin. When she turned and glanced in my direction I was still staring. I quickly averted my eyes and again tried to busy myself with the lipsticks I was supposed to be focusing on, but it was too late. Within a few seconds, she was right next to me. Hey. I had no choice but to turn and face her. H&M? she said simply, apparently trying to jog my memory, which definitely did not need any nudging. Oh. Hi. I had to play along. Im...like I said...Im really sorry about that. She shook her head, dismissing it. Dont worry about it. She looked to be thinking about what to do. Im Angela, she said then, extending her hand. This was too much. Umm... I wished I could have just bolted in another direction. Gabriela, I said instead and we shook hands awkwardly. Your...ummm...friend...scared the shit out of me, she admitted. I know. Hes...kinda nuts sometimes, it was just a real messed up misunderstanding. Fuck, how many times did I have to say the same thing? Do you... She paused for a moment. Do you know who I am? My heart was beating furiously. No, I lied. I mean, your boyfriend, or the guy you were with - I corrected myself quickly, just looks exactly like...

Ben. She finished my sentence for me. I know. Ivan is Bens brother, she said then, as if I didnt know. I nodded slowly. Yeah...it makes sense now. I just cant believe how much they look alike. There was a hint of a smile on her face. Yeah. You and me both. I looked at her. All I could think about what how Ben used to fuck her. He used to love her. She was the girl he wanted to marry. He cheated on her. She dumped him. And now she was fucking another guy who looked just like him. So you and Ben...are you, like...together? She didnt waste any time getting to the point. No. I mean, were friends, I said pathetically. She looked at me like she didnt believe a word I was saying. I know. I mean, Im sorry, but the way your friend stepped up to us, it just seemed like... Her voice trailed off. Yeah, I know. It was pointless trying to deny it. I think Ivan was about to knock him out. Seriously. Its been a while since I seen him get that heated. Really. So Bens brother had a temper. Well, Tony did kind of have it coming... You know, Ivan and Ben...they dont really talk anymore. They used to be best friends but... Her voice trailed off again. Ben and I...well, hes my ex-boyfriend. I nodded slowly, unsure what to say to that. Anyway...Im sorry. You probably dont know about any of this, but... I couldnt stand it anymore. I do, I said suddenly, partially because I was just too frustrated to keep listening to her ramble in circles. He told me, so...yes, I know who you are. Her eyes went wide. He told you? She looked to be racking her brain for a good number of seconds. I know this is gonna sound crazy but...you wouldnt wanna go grab a coffee or something, would you? My eyes went wide. I... Im sorry. Im not crazy, I promise you...I just...Ive seen what kinda toll its taken on the two of them...they used to be so close and I would do anything to fix it... Her voice trailed off and thats when I noticed what I had missed this whole time. Guilt. Her eyes. Her face. She was swimming in it. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do. I... I was stumbling again. I understand what youre saying but...I really dont know what you want from me, to be honest...I mean, I just met Ben and I certainly dont know anything about his history with you or with his brother. She sighed, looking somewhat disappointed. I guess thats true. I watched her for another moment, unable to help wondering what it was like to be the woman that had that kind of effect over a man like Ben. What did she have that could cause him to disown his own brother because of her? I desperately wanted to know what she was like, how she thought, how she acted, how she fucked, how she could make him fall in love with her... I wanted to know absolutely everything about this woman. But then my rational senses took over again and I snapped myself right out of all my ridiculous thoughts. I definitely wasnt crazy enough to have coffee with this woman, no matter how curious I was about her.

Sorry. I found my voice again. I took a deep breath. I think wed all agree that to forgive and forget is a great motto to live by, but unfortunately its not a decision you can make for someone else...at least...in my opinion. She shook her head. Its not right. I mean, those two...theyre not really the same without each other. I cant imagine them taking this shit to their graves...its not worth it. I thought about that. Then maybe you need to back the fuck off and get out of both of their lives. My evil little subconscious was attempting to put in her two cents. I needed to get out of there. And then, like magic, my cell phone rang. Where the hell are you, Gabby? Tony sounded frantic, but then he was always worked up about something. It was all the excuse I needed, though, and I bolted my ass straight out of there, promising Tony I was only minutes away. I decided to text Ben the minute I got out onto the street. <Im sorry and you were right. I should have copped a feel in the car the other day, I was just afraid Id get too carried away and you know how easy it is to get busted on public lewdness in broad daylight especially in my ghetto hood.> His reply came about ten minutes, just before I got to the tapas bar to meet Tony and the rest of his crew. <Funny. You drunk already? Make sure you tell ya boy Tony to take care of my girl tonight.> I smiled to myself and lit a cigarette, enjoying the cool breeze that seemed to soothe me all over. Tony could wait a few minutes. The address Ben had given me didnt really mean much to me until I realized that a place on Spruce and West 6th Avenue meant that he lived in a semi-detached condo overlooking False Creek. Obviously, I knew that owning a restaurant as popular as The Rock meant that he had to be somewhat financially stable, but I still didnt seem prepared for exactly how comfortable he must have been. Because the condo was situated on a hill, the front door opened to the second level. Lena opened the door for me a few moments after I rung the buzzer. Hey, whats up, come on in... She greeted me and stepped aside for me to enter. Ben told me you were on your way, he just had to step out for a minute. I smiled and then glanced around, taking in my surroundings. The upper level of the condo consisted of a foyer and a couple bedrooms and a bathroom, but the doors to the rooms were closed. I noticed right away a few more of his mothers black and white photographs framed on the walls in the foyer along with a picture of Ben and his daughter on the beach. The lower level of the condo was visible over a railing from the foyer, as the whole place had an open concept that overlooked huge windows with a magnificent view of the harbour. Lena led me down the stairs to the large kitchen and living room that had a balcony off the eating area. I noticed the camera equipment already set up in the kitchen, which was ultramodern. Granite counter-tops with an under-mounted double sink, stainless steel appliances, a state of the art cooking range and an island with a few bar stools. It definitely served as the perfect set up for a cooking show. I was floored. He actually fucking lived here?

Lena seemed to notice the look on my face as I took in my surroundings. Nice, huh? She seemed to read my mind. Ben bought this place through a foreclosure about...six months ago? I still cant believe his luck, I tell him all the time... Yeah... I caught my breath as I stopped to take in the view from the harbour. The Vancouver sky-line was always one of the most breathtaking vistas, in my mind. Check out the herb garden, she said, leading me onto the balcony. It was surprisingly large. Not only did Ben have enough room for a modest herb garden, but he also had a monstrously large stainless steel BBQ grill and beside it an ancient-looking charcoal smoker, and enough room for a decent sized patio table and chairs. Fuck. Ben... I was beyond impressed, and Lena laughed along with me. Youre telling me...lucky bastard, she muttered under her breath, collapsing down onto one of the patio chairs and lighting up a cigarette. It was all the temptation I could handle, so I decided to sit down and join her, gazing out over the water. So where is everybody? I wondered. Well...Adam and Patrick went on a beer run and Ben had to go pick up some stuff from the market and check on things at the restaurant. This shit never runs on schedule, just so you know... I kind of laughed. Thats okay. I was told Im only observing. Her phone went off all of a sudden. She glanced at the screen and then picked up. Hey, whats up? Slight pause. No, its all good, everything ready to go...yeah, theyll probably be back in a few minutes...I dont know, I was gonna ask you the same thing... Another slight pause and then she laughed. Yeah, shes right here, you wanna talk to her? My ears perked up. Oh, okay...cool, see you soon. She clicked off her phone and turned to me. That was Ben...apparently hes on his way. I smiled, taking another drag of my cigarette. You guys known each other a while, huh? She nodded. Yeah, like ten years or something. I used to date his cousin and we all used to hang out back in the day... Ben told me youre the one responsible for the whole youtube sensation hes become, I joked. I know, she said dryly. Ben owes me fifty percent of all his success. Half this shit you see should rightfully be mine. I laughed at that. I was starting to enjoy her wacky personality and dry humour. She was my kinda chick... So you two have gotten kinda tight, she said, putting me on the spot. Whats up with that? My eyes popped open. Uhhh...not sure yet, I said quickly, playing it safe. She smiled. Its all good... All his faults aside, Bens a good guy. But am sure you know that. I raised my eyebrows. Faults, huh? She shook her head. No, am just messin wit you. Im actually kind of surprised he allowed me to be alone with you. Its a good sign, though. It means he trusts you. I laughed again. Thats good to know...

A few minutes later I excused myself and headed back through the kitchen and up the stairs, in search of the toilet. I resisted the urge to peek inside the two closed bedroom doors but I was impressed enough with his pimped out bathroom. His tub/shower had a jet spa. This really was fucking unbelievable. I was starting to second Lenas sentiment. He really was a lucky bastard... I peeked inside the medicine cabinet, needing to satisfy my urge to snoop just a little. I smiled to myself when I noticed only the one toothbrush, if you didnt count the child-sized brush alongside the bubblegum-flavoured toothpaste. And of course...he hadnt lied about the Armani cologne. I heard the front door open as I was washing my hands and reapplying my lipstick, so I composed myself quickly and set back out to find Lena. As I stepped back out into the foyer I glanced over the railing and saw Ben in the kitchen, looking as gorgeous as ever, wearing a pair of distressed blue jeans that hung so irresistibly low on his hips and a yellow t-shirt half-tucked into his waist, which sported a silver ganja-leafed belt-buckle. He looked good enough to eat, his dreads tied back in that sexy way of his. I took one glance back at the mirror, embarrassingly noting that I had taken a cue from his ex, Angela, and was wearing some tight-fitting skinny jeans and a purple low-cut top that showed off that cleavage that Ben seemed to love so much. I saw Ben glance up the stairs as I made my way down to meet him. Hey. I smiled sweetly as I watched his eyes molest me from head to toe. Hey, he said simply, not taking his eyes off me. How you doing? I sighed as I stopped in front of him, leaning up over the kitchen island. Good...nice place, Ben. Understatement, of course. He smiled. Glad you like it. I noticed Lena still out on the balcony, talking away on her cell phone. Yup. This is my dream kitchen actually. This and that view. I gave him a little teasing look. You a lucky boy. Yes I am, he agreed with me easily, as he started unpacking a bag of fresh vegetables and arranging them in a large fruit bowl. Lena get you a drink yet? No. Just got here though, I admitted, as I saw Ben glance over at Lena on the balcony and then watched her mouth the words on the phone as if it wasnt obvious. Ben kind of laughed. You want a glass of wine? He nodded toward the three bottles of red on the counter behind him next to the refrigerator. Take ya pick... He pulled out a glass from the cupboard and a corkscrew from the drawer and set it down next to me as he leaned over and gave me a quick little kiss on my forehead. It gave me goosebumps. Make yourself at home...am just gonna go change... And so before I turned to make my selection I decided to watch his delicious-looking body head up the stairs and through one of those closed doors. Before Ben made it back downstairs, Adam and Patrick showed up with two six-packs of Heineken and introduced themselves to me briefly before busying themselves with the camera equipment and a sleek Mac Book Pro. They were both white boys, which surprised me a little, both around the same age as Ben. Patrick was covered in tattoos, which looked good on his muscular body, and Adam was smaller, skinnier, and looked like a metal-head with his long blond hair and scruffy beard. Damn... Lena stepped back in through the sliding doors, clicking off her phone.

Patrick looked up. Whats wrong, baby? Oh nothing just drama with Lisa, she said then, making herself comfortable on one of the bar stools. My sister, she said then, turning to me. She left for Barbados with one of her girls last night and they lost her luggage at the airport and shes trippin... She turned to grab the bottle of Shiraz I had opened and poured herself a glass, just as Ben started making his way back down the stairs, looking fine as hell in a light-grey button down shirt and those same sexy jeans. He had tied his dreads back neatly with a thick black band. He grabbed an apron from a drawer in the kitchen island. So we ready to roll or what? Adam was sitting browsing something on the lap top. I got a rough cut of the new promo video wanna check it out? Yeah, man...hook it up in there, Ben said nodding toward the living room. And so instead we all headed over onto the massive leather sectional in the living room. Adam set about hooking up the lap top to Bens giant 52 inch plasma television mounted on the wall, while Patrick began rolling up a massive communal blunt for us, some Tupac pumping from the surround-sound. I smiled, settling back to watch Ben in his element, all the back and forth banter between him and his boys making it obvious they were tight. I knew hed met Patrick through Lena but it turned out him and Adam had been friends since high school an odd pair physically, but looks could definitely be deceiving, I realized, as I witnessed most of the conversation along with all the typical male-ego-driven jibes and ribbing went on between the two of them. Do you get high, Gabby? Lena knocked me out of my daydreaming, as I silently lusted over Ben and his gorgeous body which was resting an achingly twelve or so inches away from me on the sofa. I smiled and turned to Lena, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the coffee table, holding out Patricks blunt for me to take a turn on. Thanks, I answered simply and took a long pull on the joint. Too long, I quickly realized, as I suddenly found myself assaulted by a minor coughing fit. Ben glanced over at me and took the joint away quickly. Easy, girl...you almost as bad as Lena over there, he teased me, and then turned back to his boys. All right, here we go, Adam announced suddenly, taking the blunt from Ben and settling in with the lap top, which was suddenly in sync with the TV on the wall. He cut the music and we all turned to focus on the footage that began playing across the screen. I realized it was some kind promotional video for the restaurant, scenes of Ben and his crew in the kitchen, customers dining at the tables, Ben at work plating his creations, scenic shots of the restaurant from the street, and interviews with some of the diners themselves which was the best part as Ben and Lena started putting in their two cents on which customers to scrap from the video. Then, suddenly, the screen focused in on Ben, a shot of him in his chef coat, leaning up against the counter in the restaurant kitchen, speaking to someone just out of camera-shot, who had obviously just posed a question to him. Then his voice. Well, end of the day, to me, you come hungry, you leave happy. Pretension never filled anyones belly where I come from so the way I see it art belongs on ya walls and food on ya plate. His eyes turned to the camera. Plain and simple. One love. And the screen cut to black. There were a few moments of silence and and then Lena was the first to pipe up. It should be our new motto. No pretences Just damn good food! Ben sucked his teeth at that, but then let out a little laugh. Thats so fuckin corny

Well, you said it, Lena shot back. Ben was still chuckling to himself. You know what that was, right? Footage from the interview I did with dude from the Georgia Straight that article they did on the restaurant. My eyes went wide. You were featured in the Georgia Straight? Ben glanced at me. Yeah, last month. He asked me somethin about what my take is on the whole avant garde dining trend poppin up all over the city... Oh, shit, thats right, Lena said, remembering. They ran that quote in the article. I guess we can use it and piss off some more food writers from Yaletown, Adam suggested. Ben sucked his teeth again. Fuckin ask me where I store my liquid nitrogen They all laughed. I was confused. Liquid nitrogen? Ben glanced at me. Its just a joke. When I used to work at the Four Seasons they liked to pick on me cause I was in charge of all the science projectsthe traditionalists over here wont ever let me live it ownand I mean, I dont know, there is something to be said for mixing food and art, I get it and everything, but if youd rather sit and stare at your plate of food for half an hour and discuss the symbolism behind it I mean if you put the fucking space-needle on a plate down in front of me and told me it was a hamburger, that would impress the shit out of me but Im not sure Id want to eat it He gestured back at the TV screen. See, I guess that was my point there but am not sure it come across that way Lenas eyes popped open. No way! I totally disagree... Ben sighed and then leaned back on the couch. It dont work in this context, Lena I should have just said, Dont worry if ya food looks like shit, itll still taste good. Nah... Adam piped up then. I wouldnt run that either Ben turned to me again. What you think? I smiled, flattered that he wanted my opinion. I like it. Unpretentious has nothing to do with unappetizing. Thats like calling someone easy just because theyre approachable. Ben kind of laughed. Yeah, maybe... Well, we gotta get this shit up on the website soon, the festivals less than a month away, Patrick pointed out. The back and forth critique of the video footage continued for another ten minutes or so, but eventually it was time for business and the set-up for the shoot in the kitchen was underway. Adam controlled the images from the lap top while Patrick got behind the camera, setting up a few tripods at two different angles and fidgeting with his hand-held, for what I guessed were all the close-up shots. I settled back with my glass of wine, still feeling some of the effect of the weed wed smoked, as Ben got a big pot on one of the burners filled with water to boil, set a large skillet on another burner and then assembled his ingredients out on the kitchen island, next to the bowl of vegetables. Lena, can you shut off my phone? He looked over then, and nodded toward his blackberry, which was lying next to her glass of wine. That reminded me as well and I set mine to silent. This gonna be a one-shot wonder again, man or we in for multiple takes? Adam asked from behind the screen, popping open a bottle of Heineken.

Nah, I think I got this one, Ben said, setting up a mahogany cutting board and a scarylooking chefs knife, along with a few other cooking utensils and setting them up strategically in different locations. When Adam called Action, Ben didnt skip a beat, his voice coming out as smooth and sexy as always. Hey, whassup people its the Dreaded Fuzion comin back at ya again for another mouth-watering fill of what yall been missin for a good month or so... and Ill start out by expressing my sincerest apologies for that to alla you who been blowin up the website and the youtube page, I wanna make sure yall know it mean a lot, and much love to each and every one of you... Anyway, today we gonna keep it simple and go a little Old World on alla you Im gonna show you a simple, easy, de-licious Italian pasta dish with a little Island twist... He picked up a small pepper from the vegetable bowl on the table. The Scotch Bonnet pepper. Brace yourselves ladies... He gave a little wink at the camera, and I narrowed my eyes. He was such a flirt... Watching Ben cook live in person was mesmerizing. His dish was a whole wheat penne pasta, tossed in a sauce of cherry tomatoes, red onion, garlic, zucchini, and that all-anticipated scotch bonnet pepper, all sauteed in olive oil with some fresh boccachini mozzarella and basil ribbons tossed in at the last minute. He was the ultimate screen chef, chopping all his vegetables on the spot, his every move coming across so effortless. Flawless. Fuck, this man had such skills with his hands... So there you go... He slid his finished dish onto a platter and garnished with a few more ribbons of basil and some cracked black pepper, then looked back up at the camera. And dey say Jamaican people dem cyan cook pasta, he teased, slipping into Patios. I say we done good wit dis one - you should see my camera-guy mouth waterin already... Anyway, I hope yall try this one at home and let me know what you think. This recipe goin be linked so make sure you check the info box under the screen, subscribe to my page, and remember alla you viewers lucky enough to live in the Greater Vancouver area make sure you come check my spot at 1350 Commercial Drive The Rock I promise you gonna thank me for it later. He picked up a fork and gave the camera his sexy little lift of the eyebrows. Taste test... He took a bite of his pasta and nodded slowly...suggestively...I almost laughed out loud. Thats right, people...that is some damn good pasta right there... So anyway, until next time be good, stay safe... One love. Am out. The he stepped back and reached behind his back to untie his apron just as Adam called out, Thats a wrap... Ben smacked his apron down on the counter. Now thats what am fuckin talkin about... Lena and I burst out laughing. Patrick looked pretty amused himself and Adam just sighed. Yeah, you were right you is da one-take wonder, he admitted. You makin my job too easy... All right, Im hungry. Lena got up off her stool. Lets eat. Ben headed off to the living room and flipped on his stereo, this time deciding on some reggae, and some Black Uhuru started pumping from the speakers as Lena began dishing out some steaming bowls of pasta for all of us. When Ben made his way back to the kitchen he eased himself onto the stool next to me. Good luck charm... he said softly, only for me to hear.

The five of us sat around eating, drinking and chatting for the next few hours. I loved how at ease everyone made me and I really began to enjoy the company. Eventually we ended up back in the living room where Lena and Patrick cuddled up together on one end of the sofa, while Adam began rolling up another post-dinner joint. Ben and I stepped out onto the balcony together just as the sun was starting to set. This is nice, I said, the view of the harbour and the sun setting over the sky-line taking my breath away. Ben leaned up against the railing with me. Yeah...the view is what sold me...I didnt really wanna come live around all these yuppies, but you cant beat this... Where did you live before this? I wanted to know. On the Drive, he told me. I always stayed in East Van, since I was a kid. I even had a place close to where you at about ten years ago, he pointed out. Really? I was surprised. Hmmm...so then you down with us ghetto folks, huh? I still couldnt quite get over my surroundings and the lifestyle he had. But he sucked his teeth and narrowed his eyes at me, dismissing my comment. What you talkin about? I come from the ghetto myself... Yeah, I know...but you out now. I guess...I may not stay here, though, he admitted. Really? Why? Its not really me, he said simply. And its kinda lonely...I dont know...I like nice things but I like nice people better. Hmmm... I thought, smiling. Yeah, I kinda guessed that about you. But I hope you dont move too soon I could get used to watching the sun set from this balcony. He smiled at that. I dont think I told you but...you lookin real good tonight. I raised my eyebrows, my tummy doing somersaults again. Yeah? No...first you mentioned it. Yeah, sorry about that...too much people at my place right now. He was giving me that intense gaze of his again. Just say the word and Ill send them home. I kind of laughed. Oh, its like that, huh? He nodded slowly. Whatever you want, baby...Im all yours. Hmmm... I let my breath out, thinking. For some reason the thought of being all alone with him in this gorgeous condo made me suddenly terribly excited...but also more nervous that I had ever been with him before. You know I told you I dont trust myself to be alone with you. My voice escaped me. Yeah, I remember, he said, not taking his eyes off me. But I also remember telling you you dont have to trust yourself...you just have to trust me. I dont play games, I told you that. I nodded slowly, not understanding quite where this new fear was coming from. Thats true...but who knows...what if all of this everything you telling me is just one big game? Ben didnt look too happy about that one. He gave me a confused look. What you really worried about? Be honest. I sighed, lowering my eyes, trying desperately to figure it out myself. You just... I shouldnt have said it, but I knew I had to. You just seem too good to be true. This kinda thing doesnt happen to me. And then I lifted my eyes. And I know its a stupid thing to tell you...I know that no guy wants to hear a girl telling him she thinks hes... My voice trailed off.

Hes what? He wasnt letting it go. That she thinks hes out of her league, I admitted. There. I said it. Then I started to panic. Fuck, what was wrong with me? Ben didnt say anything right away. He just nodded slowly, taking in my comment, most likely trying to figure out a response. I couldnt handle the silence. I mean, come on Ben look at you! I just kept digging myself a deeper grave. Look at all this! I motioned around at my surroundings. Everything about you is just so...fuck... I raked my fingers through my hair. How do I compete with this? How do I even ? Okay, stop. He cut me off then. Im sorry, I sighed. I shouldnt have said anything, I just Just stop talking, Gabriela, he said then seriously, pulling me in with his eyes again. Im not gonna try to convince you of anything, you gonna have to just figure it out for yourself... I talk to you every day, I want to see you and be with you even when all I got is an hour or less of time to spare, and I asked you to come here today to spend time with you fuck, my friends been here in the house this whole time if none of that can convince you that I aint just lookin for some pussy, then I dont know what will. I sighed again, feeling like an idiot. Youre mad. He let his breath out. Yeah, kinda, he admitted, unapologetically. I nodded, gazing out over the harbour again, still feeling his eyes on me. I like you, Ben. A lot, I said softly. Maybe too much. Well, if you like me so much you gonna have to get over this bullshit about me just lookin to play you because I dont have time to waste on someone who aint gonna take me seriously, he said simply. But his tone had softened. I glanced back over at him. Youre right...I know youre right. I just never met anyone that made me feel like this before... Like what? He was still watching me. I looked back over at him but before I could say anything the glass doors slid open and Adam seemed to appear out of nowhere. You two want to take a hit off this? he asked, holding out what was left of the joint he had rolled. A look of relief seemed to wash over Ben. Fuck, yeah, he said quickly and took the joint from Adam, taking a long deep drag, the air around me suddenly filling me up with the sweet, calming scent of marijuana.

Chapter Seven The three of them left about a half hour later, after packing up all the camera equipment, and Ben helped them carry it out to Patricks car while I waited for him in the living room, channel-surfing on his massive TV. The weed was starting to wear off a little and I started to get worried wondering if Ben and I were still okay. He had my heart and my head spinning so fast it was getting harder and harder for me to focus on anything else. I heard the front door open and then his footsteps as he made his way back down to the living room. He sat down next to me on the sofa, leaving about a foot of space between us and raised his eyebrows, looking at me cautiously. You wanna watch a movie or something? he asked me then. I just stared back at him, my eyes grazing over his beautiful body, from head to toe and back up again. I just shook my head. No. And then I leaned over quickly and just started kissing him. I could tell it caught him completely off-guard, but his surprise quickly faded as he started to kiss me back...gently...tenderly...forcing me quickly to slow down. I loved how he took control. He held my face, caressing me so softly, brushing my hair back, and then he pulled away. Im sorry, I said softly. Stop apologizing. His voice was so tender again. Im scared, I admitted in a voice barely above a whisper. I dont know how to do this. He smiled at that. You dont know how to do what? Everything, I said, knowing full well that I was making no sense. Everything... He repeated, just watching me. He leaned back slowly into the sofa, pulling away from me. I knew he was expecting me to continue talking, but him distancing himself from me just seemed to have a magnetic reaction with my body and I turned back to him, pushing up on my knee and then just climbed on top of him, straddling him as I took his face in my hands and just started kissing him all over again. I felt his hands grip my waist and then move lower, pushing me down onto his lap harder, deeper. Our lips broke apart and I heard him let his breath out deeply. Youre confusing the fuck out of me right now... I nodded. Mmmhmm... I agreed, kissing his beautiful lips again and moving my mouth to his jaw, his ear, his neck... He let out a soft, arousing moan and I felt his reaction between my legs and it made me quiver. Fuck... His hands were running up my arms and then grasped both my shoulders. Hold up, baby, look at me, he said then, his voice all breathy and strained. I did as he asked and met his eyes, kissing his mouth again softly as I did. You know you dont have to do this, he said then. I could tell it strained him a lot just to say the words. He stroked my face so tenderly. Im not upset with you and you dont have to prove anything to me...I promise.

I know, I said softly. But my body just wont listen to my head right now...I cant help it... I kissed him again, softer this time, letting him set the pace, feeling his tongue explore inside my mouth in a way that made me shudder. Since I met you I just cant stop coming... I heard my voice betray me again. Im like a ticking time-bomb, Ben... Shit. I heard him gasp. I could tell my words had done something to him. I felt his big, strong hands press me down into his lap harder this time. I could come just like this, I realized, in shock. But I wanted so much more. And then I felt his hands on my shoulders, pushing back again. It shocked me, the thought that he could be stopping me again, but I soon realized it was nothing like that as his eyes fell all over my body again, looking hungrier than ever. I could see exactly what he wanted and so I quickly reached down and pulled my top up over my head and tossed it away, exposing my full, aching breasts for him to ravish, as they practically spilled out of the black, lacy bra I had on. But he held back. He just watched me and fed on me with his eyes instead, running his hands all over my milky, soft skin, from my throat to my shoulders, squeezing my arms down to my elbows and then back up again, sliding his fingers under the straps of my bra, pulling down ever so slowly. Do you like them? I asked softly, wanting desperately to hear some assurance, something anything that could calm my trembling nerves. Hmmm... he sighed softly, as he finally reached over and pulled back the lace cup, first one and then the other, my nipples hardening as they hit the cool air, my breasts finally spilling out fully for his taking. He massaged them gently tenderly my nipples tingling under the warmth of his palms. I love them, he answered me finally. Beautiful... And then he lifted his eyes to meet mine. Just like you. I shuddered, his words making my insides drip and ache. Are you always this gentle? That made him smile and he pulled his eyes from the task at hand to meet mine again. I am whatever you want me to be, he said then. Do you like this? he wanted to know, focusing back on my breasts, polishing them tenderly, using that same gentle touch as he had when he held my hand that first night at the pub. Yes... I whispered, watching him. What about you, Ben? What do you like? He looked up again then. Youll see, he said softly. Ill show you. And then he pulled me back closer for another long, languishing kiss. As his lips pulled away I felt his hands reach around me, pulling me to my feet. Come with me. He led me upstairs and I followed silently behind him after snatching my top up quickly, and he pushed open the door to his bedroom, which was simply furnished with a king-sized platform bed and a matching armoire and dresser. I fell back onto the bed in the semi-darkness and Ben lay down next to me and we just started kissing all over again. I reached to pull him closer but instead he lifted himself up onto his knees, spreading my thighs with his leg. He pulled his shirt up over his head then, finally showing me those beautifully muscular arms and broad chest and flat belly, all perfectly defined under that sexy ribbed muscle shirt he had on.

I couldnt help it anymore. I sat up suddenly and pushed it up, exposing his belly, the faint lines of his six-pack glowing in the moonlight, flickering in through the bedroom window. I moaned softly as I started licking and sucking and just kissing his belly like I was possessed. Mmm... He sighed softly as he lifted the material up higher and over his head as well, giving me more, and my hands reached up, grazing his pecs, feeling his nipples, the hard, firm muscles on his arms... Oh shit... I gasped, reaching for his belt, but instead I felt his hands cover mine and pull them back. I glanced up at him, confused, but he just stroked my hair back as he gently lay me back down. Not yet, baby, he whispered, grabbing each of my breasts in his two palms, and his mouth and his tongue and his lips finally began to explore my nipples, my breasts... My skin was ablaze; my whole body was on fire... Oh fuck, that feels good, I whispered as his tongue started flicking my nipple faster and faster... Hmmm... He let out a satisfied moan after latching on and sucking each one of them off like a lollipop. That patient, gentle demeanour of his was finally being replaced with something of a much more urgent, starving nature. I was already shaking... His hand reached down and tugged at the waist of my jeans, gripping so hard I felt my ass lift up off the bed for a moment and I gasped. He popped open the button and I heard my zipper sliding down... You ready to see what I can do with my mouth, baby? His words sent me into a tail-spin. I was practically panting already and he hadnt even pulled my jeans off yet. Yes..." I gasped. Oh shit, Ben... I groaned as those strong hands and arms reached under my bottom and peeled my jeans and my panties off in one smooth motion. He spread my thighs apart with his two hands and squeezed, kneading gently as they slowly inched their way up higher to my dripping pussy that was aching so badly for him. And then I felt him run his finger over my clit, which was already so wet there was no need for him to even penetrate me. I was shaved clean and he ran his palm all over the smooth tender skin, tapping it lightly a few times. Mmm... He moaned hungrily. Just how I like it, baby... He was rubbing my clit ohso-lightly with the tip of his finger. I want to make you scream, he told me then in that slippery, sexy tone of his. Can you do that for me, baby? Yes... I panted. You promise? He waited. Yesss...please...just do it already... I was absolutely losing it. Mmm...I like that, he said, sounding so pleased as I begged him. And then his hot, wet mouth and tongue started licking and sucking and just devouring my pussy like he hadnt eaten for years. I had never felt anything like it. I came so fast and so hard, panting, shaking and moaning so loudly I didnt even recognize my own voice. Shit, baby. His voice escaped him, as he kept lapping and sucking on me. I reached down and stroked his face, digging my fingers into his dreads. Dont stop, I begged him, panting heavier as I felt the sensation start to build again. Youre gonna make me come again...

Mmm... he moaned as his tongue started to flick my clit faster and faster. He pushed my thighs back and held them back with those strong arms of his and I exploded all over his tongue again, screaming for him just as loudly. This was too much... He lifted his head up slowly, kissing his way up my belly until his mouth latched back onto each of my nipples again for one last taste. Oh God...youre amazing... I gasped, my heart still racing. Good, he said simply...softly...as he met my eyes. I want you to remember that. I let out a soft laugh. Oh...you do? Yes, I do. He sounded serious. I dont think that will be a problem... My hands reached out and ran over his bare back, feeling his muscles tighten under the palms of my hands. I want to make you feel good too... I dipped my fingers under the waist of his jeans. He kissed me again then and I tasted myself all over his lips. It was the most erotic feeling, kissing him now that I knew exactly what this man could do. I reached between us then and felt for his buckle and this time he didnt stop me. He planted soft little kisses all over my face and neck as I finally managed to reach inside. I shuddered again, feeling for the first time what he had waiting for me. He was so thick and long and he was so hard I heard myself moan loudly with pleasure just pulling up on him with my hand. Youre so big... I let my breath out deeply, gasping, but Ben just stopped my words with his mouth, kissing me deeper as I kept stroking him. I want to suck it... I broke away from his mouth, trying desperately to catch my breath. So much for subtlety, I thought, but in that moment I just couldnt help myself... He stared back at me deeply and then lifted himself back up on his knees and I just stared up at his beautiful body as he eased himself out of his jeans and his boxers slowly, taking his time, letting me know he was still in full control. But I just couldnt wait. I leaned forward and gripped his ass and pulled him down over my face as he grabbed hold of the headboard to steady himself. Ohhh...fuck, baby... He groaned deeply as I opened up and pulled him deep inside my mouth, trying to fit all of him over and over again, knowing it was no use. I held his hips and pulled on him, trying to let him know it was okay and he could fuck my mouth as hard as he wanted, but of course I realized quickly I would have a hard time accommodating him. Fuck, he was huge... Mmm... He liked it so much, I could tell. Look at me, he ordered, his voice so soft and strained. His free hand was holding my face, stroking back my hair, while he continued to hold himself up, gripping that headboard with all the strength he had. I could see the muscles on his arms flexing over and over again.... I met his gaze then as I lapped at him, running my tongue up and down his entire length, watching his eyes burning for me. He grabbed his cock and smacked it against my open mouth, gripping himself hard. Thats it, baby, let me see those pretty eyes you got...oh fuck. He groaned again as I pulled him deep inside my mouth again, starving for him absolutely famished. I wanted to taste all of him, I wanted to swallow him all up and the realization of that shocked me to my core. I had never wanted that before ever. What was happening to me? You taste so good, I whispered, catching my breath.

Come here, he ordered me again, pulling me up onto my knees next to him. He kissed my mouth again so deeply, soothing my aching jaw muscles with that amazing tongue of his. He reached between my legs, spreading my thighs apart. Stay just like that, he whispered, and so I waited in a moment of confusion before I saw him just lay down flat on his back, pushing his head up between my legs and pulling me down hard on his face his waiting mouth and tongue as he gripped my ass hard with those strong, skilled hands of his. I cried out in pure, aching pleasure as I lay down on top of his warm, hard body, his cock pushing up to meet my hot, open mouth. This was too much...and feeling him pushing up into my mouth while his tongue danced all over my clit made me come again, almost immediately, but Ben just pressed his face up into me harder, shaking it from side to side, setting me on fire again, until I just couldnt stand it anymore. No man had ever done anything like this to me before I had come more times than I could count and he hadnt even tried to fuck me yet. I could sense he felt me becoming overwhelmed by everything he just seemed to know everything I was thinking because I felt him let his breath out deeply, taking one last taste again, sucking off my lips and my clit with a pop. Fuck, baby... He sounded so satisfied as he moved to get up from under me. I rolled over onto my back and stared back at him as he sat up on the edge of the bed, my mind desperately racing, wondering what the fuck was next with him... Dont move, he said softly, leaning over to kiss me gently, and then I watched him stand up and head for the door, staring longingly after his smooth, hard naked body as he disappeared from sight. But I didnt have much time to compose myself because before I knew it, he was back, carrying a tall glass of water, and he collapsed down onto the edge of the bed and took a long sip, downing half the glass before looking back over at me. He just raised his eyebrows at me in that sweet, familiar way of his, nodding silently at the glass, telling me to come drink some. I smiled and sat up, gathering his sheets up around my waist and took the glass from him. Youre wearin me out, I said, after taking a long, satisfying drink. He reached out and pushed my hair back behind my ear, stroking my face tenderly. I told you...am gonna take care of you. You are, I said without hesitation. And you do, I added, stopping myself before admitting what I was really thinking that no one had ever come close to taking care of me like this before. He stared back at me without speaking. I thought you were gonna show me what you like, I teased him. That made him laugh softly, as he set the glass down on the night stand and lay me back down, propping his head up with his hand, feasting all over my breasts with his eyes again. I thought I just did... Hmmm... I sighed, his words making my heart flutter. But that was just all about me. He smiled at that. I could tell he found me amusing. Baby, what did you expect? I let my breath out. I dont know, I admitted. I dont think I know much of anything anymore...I guess I thought I could have made you come by now. He raised his eyebrows at me in that adorable way of his. Nah... He leaned over and kissed my nipple. I think you can wait a little longer for that. I sucked my breath in as he suckled me for another moment. I guess I just dont have your patience, I whispered.

He laughed softly. No, you certainly dont. I sucked my teeth at him softly. Mean... I teased him. Yeah, I know. He eased himself up on his two hands as he sliced his tongue between my breasts. Im fucking bad-ass, I know...just the way you like it, he teased me, as his tongue kept trailing little kisses all over my skin. Shit. I lost my focus for a moment, impressed with his memory. And here I thought you wanted to fuck me... I tested him. He glanced up, his eyes ablaze but flickering with amusement. You really think Im not planning to fuck you, Gabriela? I sucked my breath in, his words sending a surge down between my legs. I bit my lip. I dont know... I whispered. He smiled, kissing me softly, as his hand moved between my legs and he slid a finger deep inside me, my wetness just flowing out of me like a fountain. Fuck, baby...you always this wet? He sucked his breath in as he kept moving his fingers around inside me slowly, and then moving deeper as I pushed up to meet him. No, I said in all seriousness. Its never done this before. I kinda meant it, but Ben laughed softly. Damn...well...now you know. I sure did. I was writhing under his touch. I reached for him and pulled gently, pleased to see he was as hard and big as ever. I just want to see what you can do, I admitted, moaning softly. He eyed me, licking those sexy thick lips of his. You sure about that? Positive. I didnt hesitate, although my heart was pounding furiously, my nerves working overtime. Hmmm... He hesitated, but just briefly and then sat up slowly and reached for the drawer of his nightstand, pulling out a condom. He was just so goddamn prepared, it made me sick with passion. He palmed it and then turned back to me, devouring my mouth all over again, just like it was the first time. All right, baby...spread those legs for me. It drove me crazy with anticipation, and I did just as he asked. Ben knelt between my legs and I waited, watching, as he tore open the wrapper and then rolled the condom up over his long, hard cock, only making it about half the way up. I gasped as he leaned forward and started rubbing my clit with the head of his cock, wetting himself up with my juices. Shit... I breathed hard. You sure know what youre doing, dont you? I always know what Im doing, baby. And then he pulled back, pushing my legs back up over my shoulders and dipping his tongue and face down inside my pussy, sucking and licking for just a moment, and then just as smoothly he pulled by legs back again and I felt him, all of him, pushing up deep inside me, filling me up in a way I never knew possible. Oh fuck... I groaned so deeply, wincing as I tried desperately to accommodate him, to move with him. But he pulled my legs down and lay down on top of me, going slow so I could get used to his depth. He held my face and kissed me tenderly. Slow down, baby, he whispered softly, stroking my hair back. I gasped, my hands sliding down over his back as wound me like a clock, opening me up so slowly, as he went right on kissing me, moving with me at such a slow, steady rhythm and pace that I felt myself sliding into a such an intense trance, his body warming me all over. He

felt so good and so right that time just seemed to stop, and when he did finally lift up and reach down to push my thighs back it caught me completely off-guard and I groaned loudly as I felt him stretch me open. You feel so fucking good. His words sent pulsing sensations through my whole body, as he smacked my bottom. Turn over and lift that ass up for me. I caught my breath quickly and did just as he asked. He ran his hands all over my bottom, waxing me with the palms of his hands and then I felt his lips as he leaned over and kissed each cheek, sucking softly before releasing. Ohhh... I shuddered, waiting. His fingers played with my pussy, rubbing me up so deeply before I felt him slide deep inside me again. My face fell into his pillow and I gripped the bed sheets hard, as I felt him working me faster and faster, until he was pumping and smacking up against me so hard I felt the room spinning out of control. I was shaking, panting and moaning so hard for him. I knew he could feel it and I knew he knew what I needed as his fingers began to rub my clit, my wetness just drenching my thighs, his fingers, his cock... I came so hard again, like it was the first time all over. Good girl... I felt him lean over me, kissing and running his tongue up my back, sending a shiver up my spine. I love to make you come like that. His mouth began trailing soft kisses over the back of my neck and he nibbled softly on my ear, still moving around inside me, his cock reaching places that had never been touched before. Goddammit, baby. I heard him groan loudly and then lift himself up on his knees, pulling my ass back up in the air with those strong arms of his. I moaned in pleasure as he started pumping me harder again...and faster... I could tell he was close, the way his breathing and soft moans kept coming with more and more urgency. I want to see you, I gasped as he kept fucking me harder and harder. I want to watch you come...fuck...Ben! And then he flipped me over onto my back. Suddenly. And I just stared up at him desperately as he tore the condom off, squeezed his cock, gripping it hard and staring down at me in a way I hadnt seen before. And then I watched as he came so hard all over my belly, squeezing out every last drop for me to savour. It looked like he hadnt come in years the amount that exploded out of him just took my breath away. Id never felt so satisfied in my life. He stayed still for a long time, just staring down at me and his wetness, which had my belly so slick and milky. Shit. I let my breath out slowly, breaking the silence between us finally, as I felt a new, deeper longing and need for him come over me. And then he just licked his lips in that slow sexy way of his and rolled over onto his side next to me, stretching his arms out behind his head as he looked back over at me finally. But he didnt say anything just brushed my hair from my forehead with one of his fingers. Are you okay? I wondered, turning to him, reaching for him, but he held me back. Wait. Dont move, he instructed me again and then jumped up out of bed again and disappeared. I just lay there in utter confusion until he reappeared, kneeling down between my legs again with a warm, wet washcloth in his hands, and I felt him tenderly slide it up over my pussy before wiping my belly clean with that smooth touch he had. It made me shiver. Fuck, you turn me on, he said softly, and he dropped the cloth onto the nightstand and lay back down beside me, his hands roaming all over my body again.

Really? My eyes fell all over his body again too. I could have stayed there like that with him forever. Yes, really, he said softly. That dont happen to me much, believe me. What? I was confused. Well... He looked like he was thinking about what to say. I been with beautiful women before but...you just got something else. Something you dont find every day. I lowered my eyes at him, cautiously. And what is that? He smiled at my reaction, squeezing my breast gently. You dont know? I shook my head. No. Tell me. Well... His eyes moved down over my body again. You are beautiful...but alla this... He squeezed my thigh, my pussy, ran his hand back up my belly... You really dont find this every day, baby. What? I laughed at that. Thats funny cause I always thought it was the other way around. You know, like the big girl with the pretty face. He sucked his teeth at that though. You say that like its a bad thing. Oh come on...like you dont know what most men like. I didnt buy it. Yeah, I know what most men like and thats why its so fucking hard to find women like you nowadays, he said simply. I thought about Angela then suddenly. Granted, that girl was drop-dead gorgeous, but she was also even bigger than me. Maybe he was telling the truth. So youre saying this town has a thick-girl shortage or something? I teased him, grazing his fingers with mine as he kept stroking my belly. No. Im just real picky, he answered easily. And a girl like you with these nice, thick legs and big ass and this tiny little waist and big titties you got...Fuck... He got a little carried away and sucked on my nipple for a moment and I gasped. Really, if you aint never had a man tell you this before then you really must not get out much...fi real. I loved when that accent crept in on him... Yeah. I let my breath out. Maybe I dont. But Ben just gave me a look like he didnt believe a word I was saying. Well, now you know. I couldnt let you outta my sight if I took you back home, yknow... I smiled. Yeah, I heard that before. Yeah, ysee? He sucked his teeth at me again. You play all innocent but you know exactly what am talkin about, he teased me. Maybe, I admitted softly, staring back at him. But have you always dated girls like me? I meanyou know My voice trailed off, though, unsure of how I should put it. Ben just shook his head slowly, still watching me intensely. No. I held his gaze, waiting for him to continue. But I guess that depends what you mean by dating, he said slowly, a little amused glint in his eye. I mean, I played the game, you know, when I was younger when me and alla my friends was tryin to prove ourselves and be the one to score wit the hottest chicks at the club be da man or whatever but eventually I just thought fuck it. He let his breath out, sucking his teeth softly as he kept staring at me. Now, if I meet a skinny skinny chick with a real cute face I may let her blow me or something but if am gonna really get down and dirty and busy wit a lady she gotta have the whole package, know what am sayin? My eyes went wide and I just stared back at him, slightly horrified. Im teasing you, Gabby.

I narrowed my eyes at him. Ha ha. Nah, but for real, baby His hand was still rubbing me so tenderly along my tummy and around my waist just making my skin tingle. What I am and what I like thats just part of my biology. When I was about nineteen I met this girl at the restaurant when I was still a line-cook at Buena Comidashe was so fuckin fine, girl He sucked his breath in, his eyes falling down over my breasts again. A body kinda like yours, you knowI just couldnt let her get away so I dont know how it happened but I gave her my number practically beg her to call me and we start hooking up all the time after thatit was the first time I ever really connected with someone, yknow, that I thought I could actually have a real relationship with but I was so young and stupid I was too worried about what my friends would think that I tried to keep the whole thing on the down lowjust fuck her in secret, never took her out or did anything with her I just try to convince her I was a loner and I had no friendsit was pathetic, she see through it all and just dumped my ass after a couple monthsshe was better than that and she knew it and that was so goddamn sexy too but I was an idiotand so after that I just said fuck the gameI write my own rules, babynobodys gonna tell me what Im supposed to think is sexy or who am supposed to fuck, or date, or love, or marrycome on now He hesitated, still watching me closely, but I had no words. I just took everything he said in and tried my best to process it, while his hand kept stroking and rubbing and teasing me, making me lose all my focus. And eventually he just bit his lip, his eyes narrowing slightly, his expression growing more and more serious. Shit, Gabriela... He let his breath out slowly and within seconds we were just kissing all over again... Time really did seem to stand still with Ben. His stamina, but even more than that his unwavering focus on bringing me to heights of ecstasy again and again, like a man possessed is what really put me over the edge. We made love another two times well, he did anyway for me, I had completely lost count. He did things to me that no man had ever done and he did it like it was the simplest, most natural thing in the world. His words from our phone conversation the week before kept ringing in my subconscious. He really would do anything to please me. And in turn, I gave him absolutely everything I had. My mind was slipping and my body was fading. I felt him there next to me, his body, his arms, and his hands pulling me in so close. I felt so safe too safe and I felt myself drifting. Falling. And it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Gabriela... I heard him calling my name from somewhere far away. I felt his hand on the side of my face, stroking my hair. Baby, wake up... My eyes flew open in a flash. What happened? He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. I could tell he was just as out of it as I was. We fell asleep, he said simply. Oh shit. I sat up suddenly, panic setting in faster than I knew possible. What time is it?

He leaned over the edge of the bed and reached for his jeans, pulling out his blackberry. Shit... I heard him mutter under his breath. What? I demanded. Its three am. Oh fuck. Shit! I was really panicking now, and for good reason. Wheres my phone? Ben sat up and reached for his boxers. I dont know where you leave it? He slid them on quickly and stood up. I racked my brain for a quick moment. Shit. In my purse. In the kitchen. I slid off the edge of the bed and started gathering my clothes. I got it, Ben said and took off downstairs. By the time he came back to the room I was fully dressed and I grabbed my purse from him quickly, making a mad dash for my phone. It was still on silent. I had shut it off during the video shoot and I had all but forgotten about it since then. That was nearly ten hours ago. Fuck, fuck, fuck... I was losing it. Ben didnt say anything. He picked his jeans up off the floor and started to get dressed. I stared at the screen. Eight missed calls. I bit my lip, checking for the caller ID. Two calls from my home number. The other six from my aunt. Oh fuck. The panic and the fear and everything else just took over my whole body. What is it? Whats wrong? Ben was looking at me, pulling a t-shirt up over his head. I was still scouring my phone. No voice mail. What did that mean? No, no, no...okay, I need to call a cab. Can you call me a cab? I couldnt focus. I was in such a daze from sleep and sex and sheer terror. Baby, you dont need a cab grab your stuff and lets go. Ill drive you. Ben tried to snap me out of it. Wait. Hold on a sec... I pressed callback and dialled my home number. It just rang and rang and rang. Shit. I dialled my aunt. Nothing again. Oh fuck! Ben grabbed his keys from the table in foyer. You coming or what? He snapped me back to reality and I followed him out the front door to the car park and his waiting Escalade. So whats going on? Ben wanted to know as soon as we got onto the road. Your mom? I thought you said your aunt was stayin with her... I shook my head furiously, feeling the tears start to well up in my eyes. I just shook my head, not able to get any words out, my voice just catching in my throat. Ben looked over at me, his expression quickly turning from concern to genuine worry as he saw the look of horror plastered all over my face. Hey. We were stopped at a red light and Ben reached over and touched my hand. I... I tried to compose myself. My mom...shes being doing so much better this past week and she told me shed be fine tonight, I should just go...I went out last night with Tony and it was no problem, I kept calling and checking in on her and I got home and everything was fine...she said to just go...she just feels so guilty all the time, I know this...and my aunt, shes just being a bitch lately, telling me how selfish Im being, that shes my mother and she cant be on beck and call for this shit like shes some kinda nursemaid and I... My voice trailed off. Im sorry...I should have never done this two nights in a row...what the fuck is wrong with me? I just shut my phone off I didnt even think about her once, instead I just Fuck... I wiped at my tears, trying desperately to pull myself together.

I could tell Ben was still watching me out of the corner of my eye. Gabriela... His voice was so slow and steady. Its gonna be okay... I shook my head, though, not saying anything. Because something deep inside me told me that things were far from okay... Ben slowed down in front of my house, pulling me out of my thoughts. We had driven the rest of the way in silence, but now that he had stopped the car I forced myself to look back over at him. Im sorry, I just said again, not really able to think of anything else. Thanks for...the ride. But Ben just shook his head at that. Am not leaving, he said simply. Am waiting here until you come back out and tell me everything is okay. I didnt have time to argue with him so I just opened the door and bolted over the sidewalk, threw open the gate and ran up the steps of the porch, all the while madly digging through my purse for my keys. I flung the front door open and stopped dead in my tracks, as I looked over and saw my cousin Diego passed out on the living room sofa. I ran over to him and tried to shake him awake, and when that didnt work, I kicked his leg...hard. It took him a moment or two until he finally focused in on me and then sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. Hey...shit...sorry, Gabby... What happened? I demanded. I didnt have time to play any guessing games. Where the fuck have you been? Moms been blowin up your phone for hours already... What happened? I nearly shouted. They took her to the hospital, he said then, his tone softening a bit. She fell...Mom said she was trying to take a bath...shes there with her now. My head started spinning faster and faster. Where? I found my voice. VGH, he said, getting up slowly. I got the car, Ill drive you. I nodded slowly, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do. Just the thought of it was starting to make me sick. Ill be right there, I told him, as he headed to the back door, and I raced back out the front. Bens Escalade was still waiting on the street in front of the house. I headed over to him and then opened the passenger door. Ben looked over at me, the concern still written all over his face. I composed myself as best I could. Its okay, I told him, keeping my voice as steady as possible. She was just...she was just having trouble running a bath so she called my aunt and...now my aunt is just super pissed off and she needed to make me know how put out she was. Im sorry for freaking out like that on you. It surprised me, how easily the lie slipped from my tongue. Ben just eyed me closely. I could see that he still thought something wasnt right with me. He was not a stupid man obviously but right now I just needed him to leave so I could go deal with the giant mess I had made. My mother was all I had. And I was all she had. And I had left her to go be with a man. I had most likely been fucking him when she fell thinking of only my own, selfish needs instead of being there for her. Where I belonged. In the end, it didnt matter how lonely I got really. I imagined her and the prison she lived in and I knew

where I needed to be. Nothing else mattered. Least of all my raging libido...if thats all it really was... But I wasnt convinced of that, though. At least not anymore. Where is she now? He was testing me. I knew it. And I hated it. Sleeping, I lied again. And your aunt? Shes just getting ready to go. So I need to get back. He didnt say anything. He just looked at me. Are you okay? I nodded. Im sorry, Ben. It just shook me up really bad, thats all. I just needed him to let me go... Come here. He looked at me with so much tenderness and such genuine concern that I couldnt help but slide into the seat next to him. He reached out and pulled me close to him, kissing my forehead softly. Ill call you later, he said then. Im sorry I let you fall asleep. The tears just started free-falling from my eyes then. I couldnt believe what was happening. I just needed to get to my mom. And yet sitting here with Ben, trying my best to lie my way out of everything, he still managed to affect me so deeply. I knew he had no idea what really happened, or why I was sobbing uncontrollably in his car, in the middle of the night, when apparently everything was fine...or so Id told him. And considering I had lied to him so masterfully and convinced him it was all one big false alarm, I would have thought my tears would have just confused him to the point of excusing himself awkwardly and driving the fuck away from me as quickly as possible. But that wasnt Ben. And I should have known that by now. He stroked my face gently, wiping back my tears. What is it? You can tell me... Its okay. I lied through my teeth again. I planted a quick little peck on his cheek, wiped my eyes, and reached for the door. Ill be fine...Ill call you, Ben. I shut the door behind me and ran straight back to my house, refusing to look back.

Chapter Eight Ben called that afternoon. Just past noon. I didnt pick up my phone. After Diego had dropped me at the hospital I found my aunt, who explained to me that my mom had fallen and broken her hip. Her stay in the hospital was indefinite. What is wrong with you, Gabriela? She nearly shouted, and the contempt on her face stung so deep. How do you think she even made it to the hospital? By miracle? I swallowed. She called, I whispered. She had to have. I knew my mother always took the cordless phone with her wherever she went or so she always promised me. She didnt call me! my aunt spit back at me. I happened to check in on her she mentioned you were going out when we spoke earlier. I found her, Gabriela. I collapsed down on a chair in the stark, cold waiting room outside the ICU. I was shaking. And then the doctor appeared. His words were a fog but I heard what I needed to hear. After closer examination, they had found that the cause of her fall was not her illness. It had been the quadruple dose of sleeping pills that had been found in her system. They managed to pump her stomach, but now the higher concern for her mental state, considering women with MS were at an increased risk of suicide, prompted them to assign a psychiatrist to conduct a thorough mental evaluation. Suicide. I was numb. I felt nothing anymore. Mama. I reached out and grasped her hand. She was finally awake. Gabriela. She blinked at me, recognizing me instantly. Why are you looking at me like that? She spoke to me in Portuguese. Youre...youre in the hospital, Mama. What happened? I needed to know. I... her voice trailed off but I could see it in her eyes. She knew exactly what I was asking. I could tell she was having a hard time speaking. The painkillers they had her one were affecting her speech. Mama, why? I demanded. The tears were streaming down my face. She squeezed my hand. Stop, Gabriela. They said you took too many pills! Why? Why would you do that? I was desperate to know. This is not the life I wanted for you...and this is not the life I wanted for myself. She was struggling with her speech but there was nothing strained in her words. She meant every word. Your brother has let go. Now its your turn. Let go, Gabriela... I had never heard her speak this way. Mama, why are you saying this? I was struggling hard to keep my composure. This was not my mother. Whatever medication they had her on, I would make sure they took her off them. I would make sure they fixed this all of it. You remember when you were a little girl, and you used to ask me why men were never nice to me...?

I shook my head slowly, covering my trembling mouth with my free hand. Well, I know why, she told me softly. Because I was trying to live my life too fast. Maybe I knew I didnt have much time, or maybe I was just impatient, or maybe I didnt know any better...but I was a stupid woman. She took a breath, her eyes piercing mine in that way they always did when she needed me to listen to her. That look had been there since I was a child. But you are far from stupid. Youre strong. You have the biggest heart. You make me so proud. Youve given me much more than I have ever given you. But there is still one last thing I can give you. Yourself. Stop it. I shook my head over and over again. My rational brain was trying to take over and I almost felt like telling her to stop her fucking pity party and snap the hell out of it already. But I couldnt. She looked so fragile...so calm...so resigned. It was scaring the hell out of me. You cant leave me, I whispered, the fear ripping through me all over again. My mother just looked at me, squeezing my hand so gently. Gabriela...I left you a long time ago...now you need to let me go. I sat in the waiting room fuming, as I dialled my brothers number. It was a three hour time difference. For him, it would have been around dinnertime. He, his wife, and his whole stupid family would have been sitting down to eat. Hey Gabby whats up? The lighthearted tone in Lazs voice made me want to punch him in the face. Mom tried to kill herself. It was straight and to the point. Slight pause. What? Yeah. She downed four times the amount of sleeping pills the doctor prescribed her and she passed out on the bathroom floor. So she has a broken hip and shes been placed on suicide watch. There. That was easy enough, I realized bitterly, feeling lighter already. It took him a moment to digest my words. What? he just said again. Fucking coward... I just figured I would let you know. Shit... I heard him let his breath out, taking everything in. What can I do? he asked then. Do you need anything? I shut my eyes, swallowing, feeling the tears well up. No. I dont need anything. I just thought you should know because shes your mother. And I just clicked off my phone, the tears beginning to spill out again. I just buried my face in my hands and let myself cry. Ben texted me that same night. I opened the message as I sat in the hospital cafeteria waiting for Tony to come back with our coffees. <Just want to make sure you ok. Am thinkin about you. Something dont feel right about last night.> I closed my phone and held my head in my hands. Double-double! Tony knocked me out of my thoughts. He slid my coffee across to me and stared me down for a good moment. Gabby, you need to go home and sleep. I cant.

Yes you can. The doctors told you everything under control theres nothing you can do here. Your moms in good hands. Plus...no offence, but you look like shit. Of course. I could expect no less from Tony... Thanks, but... I picked up my coffee and took a sip. This is good enough for me. Well, why the fuck you call me over here if you not willing to listen to my advice? And Tony was back. In all his glory... Youre just supposed to support me, you idiot, I said, spelling it out for him. And not tell me what the fuck Im supposed to do. He rolled his eyes. Whatever...but anyway...Ill come stay with you. Tasha is ridin my ass too much lately anyway... I shook my head. Its okay. I sighed deeply and ran my fingers through my hair. He texted me. Tony just rolled his eyes at me again, shaking his head in exasperation. I had already given him the whole run-down on the previous nights events, leading up to my mothers accident. Why dont you just text him back? Because I dont know what to say! I already lied to him about too much shit and I cant keep it up anymore. I fucked up so bad... Yeah, but fuck it from what you told me about the guy, I think he would understand. Why you always runnin away from whatever good shit comes your way? You owe yourself. Especially now. Remember one thing, Gabby. He looked at me seriously. Your mom is safe now...they gonna help her...its time for you to help yourself. As much as it ate at me, I just couldnt take Tonys advice on calling Ben back. He did, however, finally convince me to go home and once my head hit the pillow I slept deeper and sounder than I had in years. I tried not to let it, but thoughts of Ben kept creeping back into my subconscious. Thoughts of his body, his voice, his smile, his mouth, those eyes, those expert hands of his... He had consumed my every waking thought for weeks already I had become so completely infatuated with him in every possible way but I couldnt help but blame my neglect of my mom on my obsession with him. I could have called him. I could have reached out to him. I could have taken every single kind of comfort in him...but I also knew that once he was gone, I would be exactly where I was right now. Alone. I called in sick on Monday and slept the entire day away and when I did finally get up I saw the missed call. Ben. Hed tried again. I wanted so badly to talk to him and I was on the verge of calling him back when my phone rang again. This time it was my aunt, though, tearing into me yet again. My mom was sleeping and the doctors were requesting that she have no visitors for at least another twelve hours. They were keeping her heavily sedated as they monitored the fracture in her hip. I collapsed back onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. My phone was showing I had a waiting voice mail. I took a deep breath and played the message back, listening to his smooth, sexy beautiful voice fill my head again. Hey...I dont know whats up with you right now...you

know if you need me, am here, but am not gonna just keep blowin up ya phone like this either...so...call me back. Click. I rolled over and willed myself back into another deep, numbing sleep. Tuesday morning I repeated the process, calling in sick, leaving the message on the afterhours voice mail before anyone got into the office, so I wouldnt have to speak to anyone. I curled up on the sofa in the living room and channel-surfed, watching mind-numbing daytime television for hours and hours as the clock just ticked on. But by five pm I finally forced myself up and showered and dressed, and headed out the door to go to the hospital to see my mother. I got off the bus near Broadway and Oak and stepped into a coffee shop to clear my head. I was only a few blocks from his house, I thought, realizing for the first time how close Ben lived to the hospital. I sat on a stool at the window counter with my extra-strong cup of coffee staring out across the street. As much I tried to force myself to cross the street and head to the hospital I just couldnt do it. I pulled out my phone and opened up the message screen. <Im sorry.> I hit send. His reply came about two minutes later. <Thats it?> <Yeah, thats it.> Send again. His next reply came almost immediately. <What the fuck?> <I lied to you.> Send. There. Id said it. <What you lie to me about?> He wasnt about to let that one go. <A lot of things.> Send. <Stop playin wit me Gabriela.> In some ways the impersonal nature of text messaging made some things so much easier to say. I didnt have to see his face. <I met Angela.> I should have continued before I hit send again but I just couldnt bring myself to do it. I held my face, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, as the brief seconds ticked by one by one and his response was not as immediate. I felt my phone buzz in my hand. I clicked it open. <Who is Angela?> He was playing it safe, I figured. He had never told me her name... I typed my reply before I could stop myself. Just spilled it all out in one rambling text message. <Your ex-gf Angela. And I met your brother too. Tony tried to attack him when we saw the two of them at the mall, but I stopped him just in time. And then I saw Angela again at the drugstore and she asked me to have coffee with her but I said no. And I never told you any of this because I couldnt bring myself to admit that when I saw the two of them together I thought it was you and I almost started crying my fucking eyes out which is why Tony tried to jump him. I couldnt tell you because this was over a week ago already and how could I admit that the thought of you with another girl after just one date with you could make me slobber like a baby. .. But now you know.> Send. And then the seconds that were ticking by turned into a good five minutes, so when the reply came it damn near shocked me right off my stool. I took a deep breath, and braced myself for his response, knowing full well as I opened the message that this may be the last text I ever got from him.

<Yeah, you right. That is messed up. Where are you right now?> It was the last thing in the world I expected to hear and I sat there dumbfounded for a good few minutes. <At Blenz Coffee on Broadway. Across from VGH.> Send. <What you doin there? Waitin for me to come home?> I let my breath out. Why did this man not hate me? <No. Im supposed to be going to the hospital but I just cant bring myself to walk in there. Thats the other thing I lied to you about. The night we were fucking at your place she tried to kill herself.> Send. Ben slid down onto the stool next to me about twenty minutes later. Neither of us spoke for a good few minutes. I just kept staring out at the street, the traffic, and all the people passing by, almost in slow motion, as I waited. I glanced over at him finally. That was fast. I attempted a little smile. He was staring out the window right along with me, but turned to me then and met my eyes. Yeah, I can be. If I have to be. I sighed deeply. I fucking hate hospitals. He nodded slowly. Yeah, me too...but you know what I hate more? What? Something anything having a hold over me like that, he told me. You gotta face some shit sometimes, baby, you cant run forever. Nobody can. Easy for you to say. Youre not the one dealin with a sick, suicidal mother who wants to die and leave me all alone. I stopped talking, letting my words sink in a moment. What the fuck... I didnt even know what I was feeling anymore. Pain...fear...anger? It was all one giant numbness. Ben didnt say anything right away. He was thinking. I dont think thats it, he said finally. Seriously. No? Then what is it? Well...I think maybe she thinks youre alone right now. And she cant bear it. I raked my fingers through my hair, letting my breath out deeply. Then I looked over at him. Im surprised youre still talking to me. Ben sucked his teeth, staring back out at the street. Why? Because of what happened with my brother and his woman? Yeah...that. I found it interesting that he referred to her that way. Ben sighed. Gabby, you cyber-stalked me after a half-hour drink at my restaurant, and I still asked you out. You also made it clear your best friend is a drama queen with some serious anger management issues. And youre also not the first person to mistake me for my brother, so none of this shit you telling me comes as much of a surprise, so why you trippin? I let my breath out. Well, I guess if you put it that way He looked at me, looking a little puzzled. Why did she want to have coffee with you? I looked down, playing with my empty coffee cup. I dont know...I think maybe she figured I was your girlfriend and I would be able to have some influence over you... Ben still looked confused. Influence me to do what? I looked at him. Fix things with your brother.

His eyes went wide, but then he just turned away and sucked his teeth again. You know what? he said, after a few moments of silence, turning back to look at me. What? I think you need to head over across the street and spend some time with your mother. And after you done you should come over and spend some time with me. He gave me that little lift of the eyebrows that I just couldnt resist. You want me to walk with you? I just nodded. There was no resisting him anymore. He told me he would be home from the restaurant by eight oclock so it gave me just over two hours to spend with my mother. But when I got to her room the nurse stopped me before I entered. Just give me a quick minute, she said gently, and then ducked into my mothers room and emerged a few minutes later, just shaking her head slowly, giving me an apologetic look. Im sorry...she doesnt want any visitors. Well, thats cool, Im her daughter though, I said as if that would explain everything. Just tell her Gabriela is here. She looked uncomfortable for a moment and then just shook her head again. She specifically said she doesnt want to see you. My mouth fell open. Honey, its not you, she apologized quickly, as if it would comfort me. Shes just fallen into a pretty deep depression, her doctors are working on figuring out the best dose of antidepressants to get her started on and well just have to give it a few days to see how she responds - I didnt wait for her to finish. I just turned and walked away, and I didnt stop walking until I got all the way home. Bens number popped up on my phone at a few minutes to eight. I was in my livingroom chain-smoking. Hey you...am leaving now...where you at? Im home, I said quietly. You home? He seemed surprised. Why? What happened at the hospital? She refused to see me. I guess shes just completely washed her hands of me now. Dont say that. I sighed deeply. Ben, Im... Youre what? I glanced around the dark, smoke-filled messy living room full of all our dingy old second-hand furniture and my mothers ugly-ass walker just parked in the middle of the room like a rotten coffin. Can you please come pick me up? I quickly ran and brushed my teeth and washed my face, pulling my messy mop of hair into a pony-tail. I knew I looked like shit. This was not the dolled-up version of me that I was

used to showing Ben. I was wearing a pair of black tights, an over-sized hoodie and a pair of flip-flops. I couldnt believe Id already let him see me like this at the coffee shop. His text popped up on my screen. <Im outside.> I had no time to do anything about it except apply some lips gloss and a splash of body spray. I was really fucking losing it, I thought as I dashed out the front door to Bens idling Escalade. I couldnt have gotten out of there fast enough... Sorry, this place is a mess, Ben apologized, kicking Barbies pink Corvette lightly across the hardwood floor as we stepped into the foyer. I had to smile to myself as the evidence of his daughter finally reared its cute little head. Thats cute...does she have the matching Dream House with the attaching garage? I teased. I leaned over and picked up black Ken from under the table where Ben had dropped his keys and he smiled as I held him up. I wish I had a black Ken when I was little...hes so handsome. You like that, huh? he teased me. His name aint Ken, though...its Darren. I laughed. So I take it she was just here? I asked, following him downstairs and into the kitchen, noticing some dirty dishes in the sink, some papers spread out across the kitchen island, along with a colouring book and some crayons strewn around...a few on the ground. His place finally looked lived-in. I liked it much better this way. All day Sunday, he said, opening his fridge and studying the contents. You hungry...thirsty..? I shook my head slowly. No. Im okay...but you... He looked up at me. You dont have any weed, do you? That made him laugh. You startin to read my mind now, arent you... We sat together in the living room while Ben rolled us a fat joint out of a stash he kept in the back of his refrigerator. I watched him in silence as he rolled it so expertly, leaning over the coffee table, the t-shirt he was wearing showing off his sexy arms. He flipped on some soft reggae music an artist I didnt recognize before bringing the joint to his lips and licking the seal. The sight of his tongue sent a rush through my body as I remembered what he had done to me three nights earlier. I reached out and gently pulled at the knot he had at the back of his head and watched at his locks fell down over his shoulders, as he turned to look over at me. He raked his fingers through his dreads and shook them out briefly. He was so fucking sexy. It made me smile again. Here you go, baby. He handed me the beautifully rolled blunt to light. I took it from him and lit up slowly, taking a deep pull, the air around me filling up with the sweet aroma, the music humming in the background so gently. He was watching me. So who are we listening to? I nodded toward the stereo. Ben smiled. Desmond Dekker. Original ska music, baby He took the joint from me and took a deep pull. I used to cover a lotta his stuff back when I was in the bandThe Slickers, The Maytals, Skatalites, Jimmy Cliffstuff like that I like it. Sounds like reggae

Wellyeahreggae evolved out of ska musicalong with alla da spiritual aspect an Rastafarianismbut back in the day of ska they still knew how to dress and everything cleancut dudes in their three-piece suits and tingoriginal rude bwai, yknow He chuckled softly. Thats how I used to roll, he teased me, nudging me lightly with his shoulder, passing the joint back over. I laughed. Oh really? Nah, not really, he admitted. Back home when I was a kid it was all Bounty Killa, Buju and Beenie Man blowin up in the dancehall and everything but when I moved to Canada all the white boys I had to start hangin out with, like Adam and his whole crew they was all into the ska scene of the late 90s, like The Mighty Mighty BosstonesSublimesure thats what you think of when you think ska, right?So yeah. The token black guy gotta assimilate the best way he can. I laughed at his explanation. So you were the token black guy, Ben? For some reason it made a little sense. Guess thats how you lost your accent, I teased him. He sucked his teeth at that. Chawah yuh ah talkin bout, gyal? He lay it on thick for me. But it was easy for me, yknow, becausefor a buncha white boys tryin to start up a ska band, when a Jamaican kid shows up outta nowhere fresh off da boat, so to speak, and he can sing too, thats kinda like hittin the jackpot He laughed to himself for a moment. So, yeah, it was cool for a while, yknowbut eventually I just evolved toojust like my hair. So... I exhaled slowly, blowing the smoke back at him teasingly. Are you a Rastafarian? That made him smile as he reached out and took the joint from me. What do you think? he tested me. What do you know about Rastafari? I shook my head slowly. I dont know if you are...Ive seen you cook pork on youtube. He sucked his teeth at me, a little amused look on his face. Plus youre cool with gay folks, I added. He let out a little laugh. Wow... He leaned back and looked at me for a few moments. Well...I dont know what to say about that, Gabby... He was still chuckling softly. I have a lot of respect for rasta people, though...back home it do a lot of good for a lotta people...you know, da real dreads dem dat live up in da bush and live off da land and alla that... That sexy accent picking up again But lotta them bald-head rastas turning to crime and violence and alla that they call themselves one thing but live the life of another I hate that fuckin shit. So for me, this here - he tugged on his locks, - this is just me being natural and just being me. Nothin more, nothin less. I smiled at that, reaching out and touching his locks. Its beautiful... He met my eyes. Am glad you think so. So how did you get to be so wise? My voice was betraying me again. My question seemed to puzzle him. Am I wise? I dont know about that...maybe one day...when Im old and grey. I smiled. Well...someone did something right with you. Ben smiled and then reached out and stroked the side of my face. I love the shit you say sometimes... He took another pull of the joint we were sharing. You know why I really like you, Gabriela? Why? I was curious as hell. Youre so real, he said simply. Theres nothin pretentious about you either. I laughed. Just like your food.

Exactly, he agreed. I mean, you can play the game and everything, if you want to you can be that girl that turns heads when you pass by on da street and ting but...the real you aint about all that. Truth is, since I been single, you the first beautiful girl I meet that I ever wanted to do more to than just fuck... He was still watching me so closely. So when you said that shit to me about feelin you are out of my league or whatever you right, it pissed me off but the more I think about it and everything, I start sayin to myself, in a way...you kinda right. Cause you the type of girl I would have been with five or ten years ago before I ever get alla this shit I have now back when I was just me, not the me that has money. Cause back then I knew women that wanted me for me the real me and I miss that. So you...you remind me of that. I let my breath out, not really believing what I was hearing. You dont hide yaself from me, yknow? He went on. And even when you try to...you cant...just like today. Im just tired of girls that try to be somethin theyre not, or someone that they think I want, instead of just bein real wit me. I exhaled deeply. Im afraid, you know... Why are you afraid? Today...at home...I was afraid to be alone, I said, remembering. I was starting to get physically ill...I dont know how to be...to just be...Tony tells me sometimes that I never really got the chance to grow up...that Im still this lost little teenage girl that cant even stand on my own two feet...and it scares me. Because I think its the truth. He shook his head at that though. Nah... He stubbed the roach out in the ashtray in front of us and then glanced back over at me. You just been standing on all fours... He ran his hand down my arm tenderly. You gonna find its a lot easier to stand on two...believe me. We lay down together on his bed. He kissed my forehead so tenderly. We were both still fully clothed, and the rain was pouring down hard against his bedroom window. You should stay here with me tonight. His voice was so soothing and deep. I nodded slowly. I think youre right. His hand ran up under my t-shirt, stroking my belly and moving up higher, caressing my breasts. I looked over at him as all my senses started to heat up under his touch. Maybe this is a terrible time to ask you this... He raised his eyebrows. Shit. Thats never a good sign. I know...but its just something I cant stop thinking about. He bent his elbow and propped his head up on his hand. Okay. Then ask me. I took a deep breath. Why did you cheat on her? I paused. Your ex. I could tell it was the last thing he expected me to ask him. It was written all over his face. And I immediately regretted it. Damn, baby... He let his breath out. I couldnt help smiling. He was just too adorable sometimes. Im sorry. I leaned over and kissed his chin. Forget it. You dont have to tell me. He stretched his arm out and pulled me close then, pressing my head down against his chest. Okay, thank you. He kissed the top of my head tenderly, the relief in his voice far too obvious.

I laughed at that. I ran my palm across his flat belly. Come on...seriously though...I wanna know. Seriously, he repeated, letting out a deep sigh. Well, I think I was tryin to sabotage myself, thats why. I waited. I was still lost. How? I wanted to know. And why? He thought for a moment. I never really knew it at the time but I think now that maybe my subconscious was tryin to tell me I needed out. I lifted my head to look at him. I thought you said you were so happy. He met my eyes. No, he said softly. I told you I was in love. Oh. I thought about that for a minute. Ben pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. Have you ever been in love? I dont know, I admitted. I think I thought I was once but...I dont think so. Not now. Ben didnt say anything right away, and then just sighed. Love is fucked up, Gabriela. Cause it dont always make you happy, and happiness dont always make you fall in love, he told me. Thats why choosing between the two is almost impossible sometimes...so I guess instead of making that choice I decided to hurt her so bad that she would have to make the choice. And instead I just end up payin for it in the worst way. I didnt say anything right away. I let his words sink in first. Like losing your brother, I said then, understanding exactly what he meant. He nodded slowly. Yup. And theres too much history between us to go on and accept her as...what? My sister-in-law? He sucked his teeth at the thought. Does that answer your question, baby? Well, I thought. Kind of. Kind of, huh... Ben sighed, his fingers easing down under the waist of my tights and over my hips, stroking me tenderly. If you loved each other so much why werent you happy? I wanted to know. He sighed again, staying patient with me, although I could tell he would have preferred to change the subject. Well... He hesitated a moment, thinking, his hands still roaming all over my skin. Angela never really had much luck with men before me so...I dont think she ever really trusted me. I never see any of that at the beginning because I was so into her...I thought it was cute how she just made me her whole world, yknow...but eventually I just started fucking drowning. And in the end I just did to her exactly what she was always afraid I would do...which is why I spent so long trying to get her back after. I just couldnt live with myself. I watched him as he spoke, letting everything he said sink in. It scared me. Hearing how he described Angela felt too familiar, to close to how I felt about myself, and I hated it. Even after just a few short weeks I had already showed him my insecurities...my vulnerabilities... Ben was watching me in my silence. Why you wanna know about all this? he asked, studying me closely. You fascinate me, I admitted simply. And Im pushy, I know... You are, he agreed me with me, his hand squeezing my thigh. Maybe its because I met her and... And what? And... I took a chance. She reminds me of myself. I tried to read Bens expression, but it was hard. He didnt take his eyes off me. Well, I guess I have a thing for beautiful women...who have no idea how beautiful they really are.

Hmmm... I bit my lip, staring him down, and he leaned forward and kissed me softly. What does that mean? I wanted to know. I dont know...I guess in a way youre right... His hand was between my thighs, squeezing, and I caught my breath. We all just creatures of habit, though... He was kissing me again, and I lost myself for just a moment, but then pulled back. Whoa...wait a minute... My eyes popped open and it made Ben smile. It was one thing for me to say it, but...not for him. That was not fucking cool. You did not just compare me to your ex-girlfriend Ben! No, I didnt. You did, he reminded me, as I felt his hand run up higher and I felt him squeeze me between my legs. But if thats what it takes to shut you up and make you stop asking me about all this shit then...yes I did. My jaw dropped and I hit his arm a little harder than I had meant to. Jerk, I muttered. Damn... Ben laughed, rolling onto his back, rubbing his arm for effect. You deserved it, I said simply. Wow...baby...you really mad, huh? Ben was studying me closely, still far too amused for my liking. Im sorry. He reached out and brushed my cheek lightly. You always hit ya man when you get upset? I couldnt keep a straight face with that one. Yes I do, I played along, rolling my eyes. They usually fall in line pretty quick after a couple blows. Ben laughed softly again, but the look in his eyes turned serious rather quickly. Youre really turning me on right now, you know that? Wow. Wow, he repeated me, his hand creeping back up my thigh again. I have to tell you something. You do? My heart was fluttering again. He nodded. The other night...you...me...here...in my bed... His hand was running up my side, pushing up my t-shirt again. I cant stop thinking about you...and normally I wouldnt say anything but...you really fucking scared me these past couple days. His words shocked me. The fact that he could feel for me in way similar to how I felt for him was still so foreign to me. I just... I started, trying to find my voice. I just felt guilty. And Im not a very good liar so... My voice trailed off. I know. Its okay. His hand brushed my hair back. I think about you all the time, I admitted in a soft voice. I think about you so much that I forget about everything else sometimes... Thats not good... His voice escaped him just before his mouth took over again and his lips and his tongue began teasing mine, pulling back just enough every time I started to lose myself, his fingers grazing me between my legs ever-so-lightly through my tights, making me shudder. He just smiled down at me, enjoying my reaction. I caught my breath. So you were thinking about the other night, huh? My voice came out all breathy, writhing under those fingertips of his. He nodded slowly, his eyes burning. What...what about it...specifically? I was desperate. He was rubbing me a little harder now, squeezing gently, my clit on fire through those layers of fabric. Goddammit, you ask a lot of questions. He let his breath out deeply, but his voice came out sounding much more aroused than irritated.

I smiled. Im difficult, I whispered, still squirming, as his lips began teasing my jaw, my chin, my neck... In more ways than one... He pulled my t-shirt up over my head and ran his hand back down over my breasts. How? I caught my breath as he slipped the straps of my bra down, first one and then the other. Stop it. He sounded serious now. Im not answering any more questions. Oh. I see, I whispered, as he pulled my breasts out gently, caressing me so tenderly with his hand. What you gonna do instead? Shhh. He leaned in and started sucking on my nipple. Mmmm... I bit my lip, deciding to shut up once and for all. The rain was beating down so hard against the window. I fell back into his warm bed, that soft pillow, and gasped as Ben just took complete and total control of me once again body and mind until we were both naked, slick, wet and clinging to one another. I woke up to the light pouring in through the bedroom window and Bens warm body pressing up behind me, his arms pulling me in close against him. Good morning. Hmmm... I wrapped my arms tighter around his. No, not yet. He sighed softly, and I felt his smile behind my head. Its gettin late, you know... I dont give a fuck, I said simply. Im calling in sick. But Ben just sucked his teeth at that. No, youre not. He sounded serious so I turned my head to look at him. I cant go to work in those ratty clothes I came here with! I protested, and then pulled his hand slowly down over my body and squeezed it between my legs, my pussy still so wet from him. I felt him slide his finger over my clit. Thats a relief, he teased me, looking down over my body, giving me a little glimmer of hope that I had convinced him. He leaned over and sucked on my nipple, sending another shiver up my spine. His fingers kept stroking me so expertly, sliding up deep inside me and then rubbing my clit so perfectly that I came so hard, so suddenly, all over his hand...his fingers...shaking and shuddering. Ohhh...Ben... I gasped, recovering myself. Hmmm. He let out a satisfied sigh as he released my nipple, flicking it lightly one more time with the tip of his tongue. Feel better? I let my breath out deeply. Youre so good at that. His hand crept slowly back up over my belly and up over my breasts, his eyes following the journey, looking down over me intently, deeply, like he was ready to pounce. I expected him to just start tearing into me all over again, but instead he just pulled back quickly suddenly and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Lets go, baby. I was shocked. Are you serious? He turned and glanced back over at me. Yeah, why? he wanted to know, already pulling on his boxers.

So thats it? He looked a little too amused for my liking. You gotta go to work, he said simply, then met my bewildered gaze. I dont want Tammy to fire you. I kinda like having you as my neighbour.

Chapter Nine That nurse had been right. About two days later my mom agreed to see me. And aside from the broken hip and the fact that she was now pretty much bedridden, at least for the immediate future, she was back to her old self again. She apologized for her accident as she kept putting it saying it had all been one giant mistake. I did my best to push away all the residual hurt and confusion and fear I had been feeling and went about my days like everything was back to normal. Theyd moved her to the intermediate care wing and I set up a routine of spending a few hours after work with her every day, and the rest of my time was my own for the first time in my life. At first I wasnt sure what to make of all this abundance of freedom, but Tony who was still single and attached to me at the hip convinced me to use the time to my advantage and went and planned a little impromptu dinner party at my house on my behalf with a few friends of ours, and only decided to tell me about it with two days to spare. Are you fucking kidding me? Tony broke the news to me when he stopped by my work on my lunch break. We had walked up the street to JJ Bean and were sitting out on the patio, enjoying the sunshine. What? He looked at me like he couldnt understand my horror at the prospect. Its about time you had people over at your place, Gabby. Besides, youre such a good cook. Michelle already agreed to bring all the wine and stuff... I thought for a moment, letting the whole idea of a dinner-party at my house actually sink in. It did sound kind of fun. Who did you invite? I asked, cautiously. Well, Tasha because...well, you know, thered be too much drama on the homestead if I didnt... I rolled my eyes. Tasha was Tonys twin sister/roommate and the two of them had the strangest love-hate relationship of any siblings I knew. And Michelle and Corinne...and I was thinking of asking Matt if maybe he wanted No! I protested quickly. You are not inviting any guy you met off the Grapevine on any blind date not at my house. He sighed. Fine...but you have to invite your boyfriend. Its time I meet him. I got a little flutter in my stomach at the mention of Ben. The past week had been a continuous fog of pure emotional, physical and sexual bliss... I had already fallen so hard for him. I had spent the night with him twice more during the week and on Saturday night he had taken me to see Gyptian live at the Commodore Ballroom. I remembered how much attention he had attracted from the crowds at the show, especially the women. He looked so gorgeous that night with his dreads hanging loose, and his body which could move on the dance floor in a way that had my pussy dripping just watching him. At one point during the set I remember a spliff being passed through the crowds and Ben released me for a moment to take a long hit off of it. A gorgeous black girl with the body of Beyonc and the tightest, smoothest weave to match, had backed right up on him and shoved her perfectly tight round booty right into his crotch. My eyes went wide at the sight, but Ben didnt even seem to notice. He just pulled the joint from his lips and handed it to her over her right shoulder. This distracted her for a brief moment and Ben just slipped away from her so smoothly

and before I knew it his arms were back around my waist. I still couldnt forget the look of utter disbelief on her face as she glanced over at the two of us. But I just averted my eyes quickly and fell back into my groove with my man... Ben? My eyes went wide at the prospect of Ben meeting my friends. My selfconscious fears crept back in my head so quickly and I just shook my head. No...its too soon. Plus, when did I ever say he was my boyfriend? This, come to think of it, was a fair statement. The topic had never been discussed between us officially. Of course the way he treated me, I wasnt sure what else to call it myself. Tony just rolled his eyes. Whatever... He reached for his wallet. Hey do you mind grabbing me a refill? He waved his empty coffee cup at me and his lit cigarette, signalling that he wasnt able to go in himself. I just rolled my eyes. Fine... I got up and headed back inside the coffee shop. But as soon as I got back out with his coffee I knew something was up because Tony was madly texting away on what looked like...my phone! I slammed his cup down on the table. You bitch! I grabbed my phone away from him as fast as I could. What the hell did you do? I scrambled to check my sent items. Oh relax... Tony just shrugged me off. I just did the same thing you would have done eventually anyway... And there it was. The last sent message straight to Bens blackberry. <Hey you! Im having a little get-together at my place Friday night and would love it if you could come. Let me know :)> I dont fucking believe you, Tony! I was horrified. What the hell was that? I dont even talk like that...you are so out of line, I cant believe you! Look, if you think hes not gonna accept your friends or you think hes gonna judge you for the people in your life, especially me, then isnt it better to find out sooner rather than later? He sucked his teeth and took a sip of his coffee. God, you can be such a baby sometimes... I sat back down across from him and ignored him for a good five minutes, staring out at the street and down the block, where Bens restaurant was visible, and the small outdoor patio full of people enjoying the sunshine. Then my phone buzzed. Tony looked up at me and nodded at my phone, giving me a look that seemed to say, What the fuck are you waiting for? I just groaned inwardly and pulled up my in box. His reply couldnt have been simpler. <Cool. What time?> Tony and I busied ourselves for the next two days trying to come up with a menu plan, cleaning and organizing the kitchen, living room and dining room for the big night. Our friend Michelle had worked as a server at a ton of fine-dining restaurants across the city and had her level one accreditation toward becoming a sommelier, so we agreed to give her our menu plan as soon as possible so she could work on the wine pairing. I hauled my mothers fine china and silverware from the hutch and spent a good hour or so polishing everything up until it shined like new. It had been her one huge haul that shed brought to Canada from Sao Paulo all those years ago and had originally belonged to her mother.

I couldnt help thinking about how nice it would be for when she came home, to find the house so clean and organized and fresh. Like a new beginning for us... Tony brought over a beautiful bouquet of daisies and arranged them in another treasure Id found collecting dust in the china hutch a beautiful antique crystal vase. I took Friday afternoon off work in order to get home and get busy cooking. And by three pm on Friday, Bens curiosity finally got the better of him. <So what kinda party you throwin tnight anyway? Want me to bring anything?> I smiled at that. I was actually pretty terrified cooking for a chef of Bens caliber, whom I was also simultaneously tripping over trying to impress in every other way possible, but I tried not letting myself get too distracted. <No. Its all under control. Just come hungry.> Send. My phone buzzed again almost immediately. <Whos cooking?> <I am. So be nice.> Send. <Damn. Ok baby. I guess that why you been avoiding me the last couple days. Must be one hell of a meal.> I rolled my eyes. Ben never used any tone punctuation in his text messages but his teases and underhanded jabs were never lost on me. <Leave me alone now. Im busy.> Send. <LOL> And I did laugh, since it was the first time hed ever used the term with me. Tony showed up early as promised and helped me with all the last minute prep. He kept an eye on all the food for me my simmering butternut squash soup, my roasting beef tenderloin and the garlic mashed potatoes. My expertly golden-tipped lemon meringue pie was cooling on the kitchen counter. So I slipped away to get dressed and focus on my hair and makeup. Tonight was going to go down without a hitch; I knew it, until I heard Tony start blasting Britney Spears on the stereo. I decided Id fix that later and went back to making myself beautiful. Michelle showed up with a case of wine an assortment of four reds and two whites, and was dressed to the nines. She was the tall, blonde bombshell that turned heads everywhere she went and classy as all hell as long as she wasnt around a man she was fixing to sink her claws into. Tasha, however, was another story. She was the female version of Tony biologically anyway. She drove me crazy all the time too, but I had less patience with her attitude than I did Tony because we werent as tight. And tonight was no exception with her tiny black mini barely covering her perky little ass. Corinne was a whole other story. She was another one of my girlfriends from high school who truly embodied the definition of a creepy librarian, with her conservative clothes and wire-rimmed glasses, but she was probably the biggest whore of us all. Two glasses of wine in and she was always going on and on about her rampant sexual exploits. Life of the party. Ben texted me after everyone else had already arrived. <Sorry to bother you, but am I sleeping over or what? Need to know if I should bring my car or walk.> I giggled. Walk? He was already late... <Just drive. You late.> Send.

Somebody change this fucking music, Corinne was complaining. I dont listen to wife-beating maniacs... Tasha was blasting some Chris Brown. Oh chill out, girl...okay what you wanna listen to? She was going through the play list on my lap top that was hooked up to a set of modest speakers. My house. My music, I said simply, deciding on some Corinne Bailey Rae. This aint no ghetto back-yard cook-out... Id be totally down for that, though, Tasha shot back easily, and we all laughed. By eight-thirty we all had a good glass and a half of wine under our belts. So where is this mystery man of yours, Gabby? Michelle was twirling her glass of Shiraz. Hes on his way. He works late at his restaurant so hes never anywhere before nine so...hes making an exception, I explained. Shit, girl! Look at you! Tasha was eyeing me up, amused. Its so true, though, once you had yourself some good black dick aint nothin gonna wipe that smile off your face... Corinne rolled her eyes. Believe me...I have had my share of monster cocks and they were all white guys I even had a hung Asian man before... Can we please keep the dick convo to a minimum tonight? I pleaded. I already feel ridiculous having invited him here to hang out with a bunch of women... Speaking of women wheres Tony? Tasha was looking around the room. Hes outside smoking. Or texting Matt. Michelle peeked through the living room curtains. Okay, Gabby...either youve planned some exotic entertainment for us tonight or you were not lying...that man is gorgeous. What? I was confused. She kept staring out the window. There is one sexy black man out there on your porch and its not Tony. My eyes popped open. Really? Why isnt he ringing the bell? She was still peering out. Hmmm...I dont know...oh wait. She let the curtains drop. Because hes talking to Tony. My eyes flew open again. What? Okay, I need to take a look at this... Tasha was making her way over to the curtains. You guys cant keep staring out the window he can see you! But it was no use. Corinne was also curious enough to take a peak. Ohhh...its gonna be a fun night tonight, ladies... Tasha was practically purring. Sorry, Gabby, Ill try to be good. She picked up her glass of wine and marched over to the front door and swung it open. Hey! I heard her calling out. I see you met my twin...were fraternal...I usually just throw that out there cause people sometimes wonder... I held my face in my hands, mortified. However, I couldnt help laughing right along with Michelle and Corinne. I couldnt take it anymore. I got up and headed to the open door. Hi... I started, but no one noticed me. Ben had his phone out and was showing Tony something on the screen. See, it doin it again... Oh, thats nothing, Tony started. My blackberry used to freeze up all the time just gotta repower it I got tired of that shit, though, and I bought an iPhone...

Ben looked up then. Hey, Gabby, he said smoothly and came over and gave me a soft little peck on the cheek. Tony looked up and shot his eyes out at me, mouthing Oh my god and pointing at Ben, who had his back to him. Tasha had her eyes all over everything on Ben from the neck down. He turned back suddenly and they both recovered themselves immediately. Nice meeting you... And then to Tony, Ill give you my phone to look at later. Sure! he chirped back at him. So... I started, I guess you met Tony and Tasha. Yup...I got it, he said simply. What about the ones at the window they in there? he nodded toward the living room. I flushed, letting him inside. Yes... Smells good in here, he told me as I led him toward the living room and Michelle and Corinne, who were still waiting patiently. Am surprised you finally let me inside ya house, he teased me before turning to the two girls. They both had a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights look going on. So... I decided to make the introduction. Ben, this is Michelle and Corinne... Michelle stood up first, sauntering her leggy self on over to him. Nice to meet you. She smiled sweetly and extended her hand. Likewise... He took her hand easily. Damn, he was smooth... Corinne wasnt the handshaking type due to her germaphobia so instead she gave him a little salute. So we all here now? Im starving... Damn...yall was waitin on me? Ben gave us a little apologetic raise of the eyebrows. Sorry bout that I run on black folks time. He gave a little nod at the front door. Surprised those two out there beat me here... An hour or so later the conversation was flowing freely, due to the wine, the food and the effect it had on everyone. Ben and Michelle got into a long conversation due to their respective jobs in the restaurant industry and it felt good watching him seem so at ease and comfortable. And he was eating up everything I put in front of him. Michelle served a different wine with each course, and I could tell Ben was impressed when anyone sung my praises on the food. He kept looking over and giving me that little raise of his eyebrows and I couldnt help but smile. By the time the main course was cleared away, everyone was certifiably tipsy and inhibitions were thrown out the door. Ben was suddenly under everyones microscope. So hold up a minute... Tasha started in on him first. How you two meet again? Howd that go down? She phrased the question at Ben though. Who? He turned to her, a little distracted, as he had just finished handing Tony his phone to examine. You and Gabby, she said, downing the last of her glass and moving to refill it just as quickly. At my restaurant, he told her, leaning back and picking up his glass. Yeah, but...howd it go down really, cause no offense Gabby, but you shy as all hell, and theres no way I can see you steppin up to fine-ass looking brother like this without at least four or five drinks under your belt...

I glared back at her but Ben kind of laughed. I knew he was used to this kind of directness after all Tasha and Tony were also of Caribbean descent. Well, what make you think she stepped up to me anyway? Maybe I like shy girls, Ben pointed out. No Jamaican man likes himself a shy woman! No way no how! Tasha was adamant. Why are you talking about me like Im not even in the room? I wanted to know, but they both kept right on ignoring me. Ben sucked his teeth at her. So now you suddenly the expert on alla us? he teased her back. I dont know what rock you grow up on anyway...sound to me like you got some kinda Surrey accent...I guess you grow up near the Skytrain line? Her mouth flew open. Oh no you didnt! You did not just call me a Surrey girl...Gabby... She addressed me finally. I shook my head at Ben. Bad move. But Ben didnt look bothered. So where you from then? Where you from? She challenged him instead. Montego Bay. She sucked her teeth. You see? You come from a resort town full of foreigners...now this shit is starting to make sense. But Ben just laughed. Is this girl for real? He posed it as a general question and then turned to Tony. Tony, where you from? Burnaby, Tony said simply, still busy with Bens blackberry. Ben sucked his teeth as we all laughed. Case closed. After dessert everyone started easing their way into the living room but as I cleared the last of the dishes I noticed Ben holding back, looking at a few pictures framed on the china hutch. A few of my mother when she was younger back home in Sao Paulo, and two of my brother and me when we were kids. He stepped into the kitchen behind me just as some Lauryn Hill started blasting from the speakers in the living room, along with a lot of heated conversation. You want some help? He stepped up behind me, grabbing my ass playfully. Shit. I almost dropped the plate I was holding. I turned around and he pushed me up against the counter, kissing me softly. Thanks for dinner, he said as he pulled back. Did you like it? Of course...you werent lying. You can cook for me anytime... Hmmm...theyre getting pretty rowdy out there... My voice trailed off as Ben leaned over and kissed my ear. I wanna get rowdy with you. You gonna show me your bedroom later? I licked my lips and Ben leaned over and kissed them just as Tasha came barging into the kitchen. She sucked her teeth. That time already? Daaamn... Ben laughed as he pulled away from me. Whered you find those two? He asked me, fully aware that Tasha could hear every word.

 I really dont think its a big deal... Michelle was saying as we got back to the living room. Its degrading, Corinne interjected right away. If a woman needs to use any aspect of her sexuality toward financial gain, it just justifies societys objectification of women on a whole. Period. Oh please... Michelle rolled her eyes. If thats true then youre saying theres no difference between a hooker and a cocktail waitress. Sometimes there isnt! Corinne said dryly. Michelle sighed. Ask Ben...hell tell you. Oh, here we go, I thought, refilling my wine glass and taking a nice, long sip. Ask me what? Ben wondered, taking my cue and filling up again as well. Whats the difference between a hooker and a cocktail waitress? Tasha paraphrased, leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs. He laughed. Is that a serious question? Okay, if a woman flirts with you, wont you be inclined to tip her more? Michelle broke it down. Ben leaned back into the sofa. Fuck, Id be broke if I had to tip every woman that ever flirted with me. Everyone laughed at that but I just narrowed my eyes at him. No! Michelle flipped her hair, smiling. I mean a server, a waitress, a bartender those women. Well... He looked to be thinking about it seriously. I mean, the better the service, the better the tip, right? You see? Michelle turned back to Corinne. Exactly my point. How does flirting with anyone equal better service? Corinne was not giving up. What if Tony was serving you? Would you tip him more too if he flirted? That one made my ears perk up as well as Tonys. Yeah, how about it, Ben? I teased him. But Ben laughed at that. Nah...probably not. Sorry, man, he addressed Tony casually. Tony just sighed, already busy again with his phone. Its cool, its cool... I glanced over at him. Wow, Tony, cool it with the texting already... He hadnt been able to put his phone down all night. Obviously Matt, his newest flame... Gabby, hes just up the street at Starbucks, why cant I just - No, I cut him off. No strange internet men coming to my house, I told you... Oh come on... Michelle was really tipsy. What harm could it do? We got a man here to protect us. She gestured toward Ben. Tony shot me his puppy dog eyes again. Who is this guy anyway? I demanded. What do you even know about him? Oh my god, girl... Tonys tongue practically fell out of his mouth. Never mind. Answers no. He sighed, defeated. Everybody hooks up online nowadays. Corinne didnt seem bothered by it. Its just the way it works now. I know every single one of us has done it.

Yeah, but... Michelle was laughing to herself. Gabby, do you remember that time you...oh wait, maybe I shouldnt tell that story. I could tell Bens ears had perked up. He raised his eyebrows quizzically. Oh you see...now he wants to know, Michelle teased. I sighed and glanced over at him. It was just...about a year ago I met a guy online and he sent me a fake picture so...that didnt go too well. No, no, no, tell it right! Michelle didnt let up. You left out the part about how you were so scared to meet him that you did the phone thing for a good three weeks convinced he was some Lenny Kravitz double, but who really turned out to look more like what did you say again? Flava Flavs ugly twin, Tony chimed in. Everyone cracked up at that. But Ben just smiled, meeting my eyes. Thats okay, he said then. Men can be very good liars when they wanna be. Aint that the truth, Tony perked up momentarily again, then went right on texting. Corinne sighed then, pulling out her stash of weed. Are we cool to light up in here, Gab? I nodded. Yeah, its cool... Ben leaned forward in his seat. Now yall are speakin my language... Michelle got up out of her seat and slid down on the couch between Ben and Corinne. Here, I wanna do it, she said, taking the bag from Corinne. Tony and Tasha both saw the move and they lowered their eyes. She was starting to act a little weird, I had to admit it myself. I got up to change the music. What do we wanna listen to people? But no one was paying any attention to me. Ben was looking down at Michelles pathetic rolling skills. You want some help with that? he offered. She smiled, tipping her head to him. You can see that, huh? Tony and Tasha exchanged that look again. Cool. Ben took over for her then. She seemed to put a little too much effort into handing it over to him. Since no one seemed to care, I decided on some Florence and the Machine and after I set the album to play I looked up to see Michelle admiring Bens rolling skills. Wow...impressive... she cooed. You must do this often... Tasha looked over at Tony and me and mouthed the words What the fuck? Tony glanced at me and mouthed, Do something!, but I just ignored them. Ben handed the joint back to Michelle after he was done rolling it. She just ignored Corinne and lit up taking a long drag, then turned back to Ben when she exhaled, passing it over to him. But Ben just shook his head. Nah...pass it that way first... he nodded at Corinne. Not my weed. Oh right, Michelle recovered her manners and passed it to Corinne, who snatched it away quickly. I went and sat back on the love seat, seeing as there was no more room on the couch, and as I did Ben looked over and caught my eye, giving me a little suggestive nod toward the hallway, reminding me of our earlier conversation.

I smiled back at him, realizing I had nothing to worry about. So what the fuck was that? Tony was the first to voice it, once the giant elephant named Michelle had officially left the building. Corinne had to practically pry Michelles arms off of Ben before dragging her ass out the door to their waiting cab. Michelle had conveniently decided to give every one of us a deliberate goodbye hug in order to get her hands all over him. Fuck, that girl was drunk... Tasha was laughing. No shit. If it hadnt been for all of us here she would have been all up over alla that so fast... She eyed Ben. Maybe she was just workin him for a tip, Tony threw out and Ben laughed at that as he leaned back on the sofa and peeked out the curtains. Shit, she about to - he started, bracing himself. Oh no she made it, Corinne caught her. Tasha had an irritated look in her eyes. What the fuck kinda girl hits on her friends man right in front of her face? She just had to say it. But Ben just sucked his teeth. She was just drunk... He tried to dismiss it. For real, though, Tasha wouldnt let up. I mean, you all right and all she nodded at Ben, but Im sorry, I wouldnt try to tap that if you paid me...you know, because Gabbys my girl...no offence, Ben. Its all good, Tasha, I wouldnt do you either, Ben replied easily. It was kind of funny. The two of them had been riding each other all night. He was feeling his pockets for a moment, and then pulled out his own little stash of weed. Yall wanna hit one for the road? Definitely. Tasha settled back into her seat. But Tony was eyeing me. Why so quiet, Gabby? Ill beat her ass for you, you know I would... I saw Ben pause what he was doing to glance over at me. I sighed. No, Tony...you know how she is. But in all honesty, if I hadnt been completely convinced that Ben had zero interest in Michelle, I would have been a lot angrier. Ben settled back in to focus on the joint he was rolling up. Thats funny, cause...speakin of beatin some ass, Gabriela...you know he would. Tonys eyes darted over toward Ben in mock fury. What the fuck? His diva claws were out, along with his perverted mind. I dont think he meant it like that, Tony... I chucked. Ben sucked his teeth, and laughed. Dude...wasnt you all about ready to beat the shit out of me in the mall a few weeks ago? He eyed him questioningly, and then sealed the joint. Tonys jaw dropped and he glanced over at me. You told him about that? I couldnt help a little smile at Ben finally making light of it. I shrugged my shoulders innocently. Its cool, though, Ben said, lighting up slowly. I get that you was just lookin out for your girl He took a deep pull on the joint and then passed it over to Tasha, but if it actually had been me that day you and I woulda had some words... Tony laughed. The other you your double he had a few words of his own, right Gab?

Yeah, he would, Ben didnt seem surprised. But hes not my double...and he has a fuckin temper. I eyed him. And you dont? I was curious. Not like that, he answered simply. I got up from my chair and headed over to Ben then to pass him the joint and collapsed down on the couch next to him, where I had been waiting to be all night. Finally... I sighed, lifting my feet up onto the coffee table and leaning back into the cushions. Im done hosting. You can all go home now. They laughed at that, but within fifteen minutes the two of them were out the door, Tony letting me know he would call me in the morning.

Chapter Ten After seeing them out and locking the front door I quickly made my way back into the living room where Ben was still waiting for me on the couch. It was probably a mixture of the wine and just pure longing for him, but I just knelt down between his legs and ran my hands slowly up his thighs, as he stared down at me. He smiled. You miss me. He said it so softly, and he didnt phrase it as a question. I let my breath out, looking up at him as he ran his fingers across my face. There are so many things I could say right now, but since its one in the morning I figure its better I just keep my mouth shut. Damn... He raised his eyebrows. Did I embarrass you? I shook my head slowly. No...I think it may be the other way around. He covered my hands with his. Why you say that? He ran his hand up my arm and then leaned all the way back to look at me. Every day you show me some more hidden talents you got...its so sexy. I kind of laughed. So you think Im talented? I teased him. He sucked his teeth, staring me down. If you didnt think you could impress me, you wouldnt bother trying. Well... I ran my hand up his shirt slowly, feeling those hard muscles. I wasnt trying to whore my friend out to you, even if thats how it looked. He laughed softly. Why everyone keep sayin that tonight? You know you cant whore yaself out if nobody buyin...dont forget that. I see... I grabbed his belt buckle, dipping my fingers in and out of the waist of his jeans, teasing him. So pretty little blondes dont do it for you, Ben? His eyes dropped, watching what I was doing. I think you know what I like, Gabby. I met his eyes. Then I leaned over and kissed his belly. Ive never met a man that could say no to Michelle... I looked up as I ran my tongue up over his navel. He bit his lip, sucking in his breath. Shes a pretty girl, Gabbybut so are youso the better question you gotta ask yaself is what difference is a pretty face gonna make when I got you bent ova this table right here? Solike I saidI think you know what I like. Hmmm... His words made me shudder. Youre so nasty, Ben. Just being honest. His finger traced my jaw, smiling at that, but then it faded slightly, his expression growing a little more serious. Aside from alla that, baby, if you wanna know what I really think...you know you got nothin to worry about with me, but... I lifted my eyes to look at him. That girl dont got your back, Gabriela. And I wouldnt say anything in front your friends, you know that. Why, did she try something? He sucked his teeth. No. But that aint even the point... I sighed. I guess...I really didnt know that about her. I guess I never brought a man home worth stealing before... Ben squeezed my hand between his legs. I felt him hard throbbing through his jeans. This is all yours, baby... His voice was so deep and sexy all of a sudden. I sighed, feeling myself get warm all over. So...

What? I smiled at him. Does that mean that...Im your girlfriend, Ben? I was always losing my mind around him...talking before thinking...betraying all my common sense. Fuck, Gabriela. Why was it so hard for me to play hard to get with this man? Ben just smiled back at me. I dont have time for a girlfriend, Gabriela. He slipped his finger between my lips. I caught my breath as he slid his finger over my tongue, my heart sinking simultaneously. I see... Good. His voice was so soft. I dont really have time for a whole lot of anything really so if you dont mind he had my hand pressed between his legs again and he pushed up through the fabric of his jeans into the palm of my hand, Id rather just skip all that bullshit...I think its pretty obvious how I feel about you...so no more asking me any stupid questions like that...Im already in so deep anyway...so to speak. His eyes fell back down to where I was stroking him. But he had me so confused. What the fuck does that mean? It means that...you trippin about wanting to know if you my girlfriend but Im already worried I could fall for you for real... His hand was on his buckle then, and my heart started beating so furiously I didnt know what to. I let my breath out. Shit... This was not happening. My whole body was on fire. My hand slipped inside then...the zipper slid open...I took him into my mouth slowly...deeply...listening to the lowest, sexiest moan escape from his throat. He moaned deeply, pushing up deeper into my mouth. You see..? He let his breath out. Perfect fit. Shit, I gasped, catching my breath. I ran my tongue up his length slowly, teasing him. Does that mean I can make you come like this? I was so curious. It almost felt like a mission for me he had never come from me just sucking him. He gripped his cock and smacked it lightly against my tongue. Where? He was watching me so intently. In your mouth? His directness made my pussy quiver. No one ever did that before. I just kept teasing him with my tongue, watching it, his smooth, slick wet cock that just smacked against his belly whenever I released it massive, thick, hard, dark brown. Gorgeous. You have such a pretty mouth...am surprised anyone could resist, he admitted softly. I met his eyes then. No...I never let anyone do that before, thats all... His fingers knotted themselves into my hair then, holding my face. Shit... He let his breath out deeply as he pushed my face down and I bore down on him once again. You know Id never do anything you dont want, baby... Mmmm... I shuddered. Whenever he talked like that it just made me want more and more of what I never thought I would. Thats just it...because with you I think I want it, I admitted, my breathing picking up. I want to taste you...all of you...I cant get enough... Goddamn... Ben was starting to lose it, I could tell. I thought you was gonna show me your room, baby. I sucked him off like a popsicle. Yeah, but if I do that youre just gonna rip all my clothes off and take over like you always do... I moved my mouth lower and ran my tongue over his balls, taking them gently into my mouth, sucking off one and then the other. Fuck, baby... I felt him shift, gripping the couch cushions.

I just want today to be all about you, I said softly, trying to convince him as best I could. Well... He waited, as my mouth closed down around him again. If its all about me, baby, then you gotta give me what I want. Mmmhmm... I agreed, my pussy suddenly on fire, feeling him fuck my mouth with such ease. Take this off. He was pulling at my top, so I slipped it off quickly. He leaned forward and reached around me, unclasping my bra easily. I felt it slide off my shoulders, my breasts spilling out into his hands. And then just as smoothly, his cock was sliding up between my breasts as he squeezed them gently, my mouth still bearing down over the head of his cock as he kept fucking my tits. Shit, he was huge... I caught my breath suddenly. You like that? I was so desperate to please him, but at the same time I was just losing all control, and I could tell he knew it. He pulled his shirt up over his head then. He leaned forward suddenly, his hands running down over my bare back, gripping the waist of my jeans. Get up. He always knew exactly what he wanted, and he was never afraid to tell me. And of course, I couldnt resist him even though I had thought I could call all the shots, it excited me even more that he never let me. I stood up slowly, facing him, and Ben didnt waste any time, popping open the button of my fly and pulling down the zipper, exposing the front of my black lace thong panties. He leaned forward and tugged at the waist of my panties with his teeth, kissing my tummy so softly. And then he just smacked my ass lightly. Turn around. So I did just that, and only then did I feel his fingers digging in and peeling those tight jeans down off my giant booty. He did it slowly, tenderly, like he was savouring every moment of it. God, this man knew how to make me feel sexy... Hmm... I heard him moan softly and then felt his hot, warm mouth and tongue trailing soft little wet kisses all over my bottom first one cheek and then the other and back again, all the while squeezing and and kneading with those big skilled hands of his. He pushed me forward until I was leaning over, bracing myself against the coffee table. Damn baby. I heard him let his breath out, his finger sliding under the thin string of my thong, from the small of my back all the way down between my legs, over and over again, making me tremble, teasing me beyond belief... Fuck, you got a nice ass. So fuckin big too... He was gripping it again, his lips and his mouth taking over again, steering closer and closer to that thin strip of fabric covering what was already so dripping wet for him. I sighed softly, giving him a little booty shake. Not too much for you, baby? I teased him. Stop it. His fingers grabbed the string again and tugged up gently and I felt the fabric slide and rub all over my clit and between the lips of my wet pussy. Shit. Ben... I groaned as he teased the string of my thong with the tip of his tongue. I felt his fingers spreading me open then. His tongue licked me so softly. This here is just perfect... And he started sucking my clit so gently. So fucking good... I cried out then, unable to hold back. I always came so hard and fast whenever Ben ate my pussy, there was just something about him he knew exactly what to do. He knew when to

just tease me with the tip of his tongue just the right way just as he knew when to just dive in and suck my orgasm out of me like a tornado. Either way, I was always spinning. I gasped, trying to catch my breath; my orgasm sending aftershocks through my body, making me shake and shudder. I just dont fucking get it... I whispered, as Bens tongue kept licking me so tenderly. What, baby? Ben whispered back, his tongue still teasing me. I raked my fingers through my hair, my arms and my elbows still desperately trying to support myself on the coffee table. Then I just groaned all over again as his mouth latched back onto my clit. I never had anyone make me come like this, I admitted then, catching my breath. I just dont know if...I mean...is this how its supposed to be? Because...because...oh fuck. My voice just trailed off as Ben just kept teasing, licking and sucking me, making me groan in pleasurable agony. He pulled away slowly, chuckling softly at me. Youre okay, baby, he assured me, his fingers taking over for his mouth then. This exactly how its supposed to be. Oh. It was all I could manage. You never had a man do what? Eat your pussy? He leaned in and took another taste. Lick you...suck you...make you feel good? He just wouldnt let up... Oh...shit... I moaned again. Not like this, I admitted. How you get so good at that anyway? I decided to be bold again. Ben was still rubbing me so tenderly, teasing me with that thong up and down, over and over again. You must have had a lot of practice... He sighed softly as he grabbed my hips and slid his hands down my thighs, pulling me to my feet. You think so? I havent eat pussy in three years, baby. I turned to face him, a look of disbelief on my face as Ben just pulled me down onto his lap so smoothly. You serious? I couldnt believe it. But then I felt him sliding up inside me and I gasped, wincing at the wonderful sting of his entry all that fucking cock he had. He pulled me close and kissed my mouth softly, as I felt him push up deep inside me. Im serious, he said as his lips broke away. You dont believe me? He kept rocking me so slowly...every now and then pushing up a little deeper, a little harder. Im just surprised, I whispered, gasping with every thrust. Why? He squeezed my breasts, leaning in and sucking on my nipple. I told you. Im picky. Oh God... I groaned, as Ben continued to lick and suck on my nipple. Sometimes I dont know if youre real. Damn... Ben let out a soft laugh. Dont this feel real enough, baby? And I felt his cock push up deep, his fingers digging into my ass, pushing me down hard. I caught my breath. I love the way you fuck me. Mmm... Bens eyes met mine and he pulled me in for another deep kiss. Good. Cause am not plannin to stop. Take me to your room, Gabriela. My bedroom was tiny and simply furnished. I had next to no closet space so I tended to stack laundry hampers full of clothes along the wall. I had a small desk that held my lap top and a book case along another wall. My dresser had an attached mirror and served double-duty as

my vanity, with a cluster of make-up, lotions and perfumes a few framed pictures strewn about. I also only had enough space for a double bed no massive king-size which I had become accustomed to sharing with Ben. But Ben didnt seem to mind one bit. He seemed to enjoy having me in my own bed at last. He lay me down on my back and spread my legs, kissing me so deeply as he entered me again, just filling me right up. I wrapped my legs tight around his and just let him stroke me...slow at first and then just faster, deeper, harder... He was beyond amazing, and he felt so good, he had me flowing like a river... He groaned deeply, lifting himself and bracing himself with his hands. Im not wearing a condom, he pointed out, reluctantly, as he reached down and gripped his cock, which was still inside me, soaking him right up. I know, I admitted. Thats why it was feeling so good. Ben sucked his teeth but couldnt help a little smile as he pulled out all the way and just started rubbing my clit with the head, teasing me. Bad girl, he whispered, narrowing his eyes at me. Very bad girl, I agreed with him, reaching down and gripping his cock, pulling on him, feeling my wetness all over that smooth, slick skin. It was just making me hotter. Just keep fucking me, Ben, it feels too good... Im on the pill so...I dont care. Hmmm... He laughed at that, amused by my desperation. You got it bad, baby. And then I felt him filling me up again, even deeper, as his hand pushed against the back of my thigh, bending my knee back gently. I gasped. Oh shit! I grabbed my other leg then and pulled it back. Fuck me harder, Ben, I wanna feel it. I tried to hook my feet up on his shoulders, but felt him stretch me beyond my limit without even thrusting. I winced. Oh my god... Ben just pulled my leg down gently. Mmm...no, baby, I cant do that, am gonna hurt you. He seemed to know something I didnt or maybe now I did. Shit. I let my breath out. Youre too much. He smiled, rubbing my leg. No, Im not too much. We just gotta be careful. Then he pushed up off me slowly, rolling onto his back. Come on, get on top, he ordered in that that slow, sexy voice, gripping his cock, rubbing it slowly. Let me see what you can do, he teased me. I laughed softly, but obeyed immediately, lowering myself cautiously onto him as he steered himself inside me, finding that sweet spot that was all his. I moaned as I felt him fill me up all the way, bearing down on him harder and harder, but it was really no use. No matter how wet I was, or how many times hed fucked me, I just couldnt get used to his size. So as hard as I tried to fuck him, it was him that reached around me, gripping my ass, spreading me open and pushing me down on him, over and over I just had no ability to take control, I just melted in his arms every time. Ben, youre too big... I was gasping for air with every thrust. His arms spread around my waist then, pulling me closer. Okay...lay down on top of me, baby, he instructed me gently, as he pulled me in for a kiss. His lips grazed my jaw, my ear... Is that better? Yes...oh God... I moaned again. His hands squeezed my breasts and he pulled my nipple into his mouth, sucking off one and then the other, driving me absolutely crazy as he stared up at me.

Then his hands were gripping my ass as he started thrusting me down onto him again, faster and faster, pushing up to meet me each time. It was so intense, so deep, and so fast I was just losing it, panting, shrieking, and moaning beyond control. And then every time I reached my limit and couldnt take another second, he would ease up and rock me gently as I caught my breath. He groaned deeply as he rolled me onto my back and sat up beside me, his back to me as he reached between my legs, pushing my thighs apart, his fingers taking over for his cock then. I squirmed with his touch as he just stared down, watching his every move, as he dipped inside me and then rubbed my clit, back and forth. Then, all of a sudden, his hand was on mine, his fingers teasing mine as he pulled my hand over between my legs. I gasped softly, emerging from the pleasurable trance he had me in. What are you doing? I asked softly, nervously. He didnt take his eyes off what he was doing. Touch yourself. I want to watch you. I caught my breath in disbelief. But of course I obeyed. I couldnt have said no to him if Id wanted to... He got on his knees then, between my legs, staring down at me as I played with my pussy for him, showing him exactly how I touched myself, how I rubbed my clit. He was stroking himself slowly and I just stared back at him, at his beautiful body, his gorgeous lips, those hungry eyes... I moaned softly, the pleasure building up inside me. His eyes danced all over my body, and as he looked up I squeezed by breast, teasing my nipple with my finger. I was so close... Fuck, you are so beautiful, Gabriela. His voice escaped him, and I nearly lost it right then, but just as quickly his hand reached out and pushed mine aside, as he leaned over, replacing my fingers with his mouth...his lips...his tongue, and I came so deeply yet again. Mmmm... He licked his lips, pulling away only once he knew I was completely spent. He was inside me again, stroking me harder, over and over... Baby, Im gonna come. His voice was soft but desperate. All my senses heightened again. Yes, baby... I whispered. I couldnt manage much else. Where you want me to come? I could tell he was holding back, he was waiting... I didnt even have to think about it. I licked my lips. Let me taste you, Ben... And that was all he needed to hear. He pulled out of me suddenly and knelt right next to my face. His thumb grazed my bottom lip, tugging gently, as he gripped his cock hard, squeezing. He didnt even let me suck him. He just exploded all over my open mouth, my outstretched tongue, letting out the sexiest, deepest intense groan. I was in heaven and I swallowed him up quickly and then just closed my mouth around him, sucking every last drop out of him that I could. I could have sworn it satisfied me even more than it did him but then again, it was my first time. Ben was quiet for a long time. He kept watching me, recovering slowly, and I waited, as I always did, for him to regain his bearings. I loved those intense moments just after his release when Ben seemed almost vulnerable. Exposed. It was the only time when he ever lost his control and it gave me a slight edge for those brief seconds. Eventually Ben just eased himself back down next to me and I smiled and cuddled up against his warm body, my head on his chest. We were both quiet for a long time. I listened to

him breathing slowlysteadilyand just when I thought he may have fallen asleep, I felt his hand glide so smoothly across mine and lock his fingers with mine. Soyou and Tony He broke the silence then. Whats the story there, Gabby? How you two become friends? His random question surprised me. But Id figured after meeting Tony he would have his questions. The few guys Id ever introduced Tony to had definitely had theirs Well I thought for a moment. We met in ninth gradewe were fourteen, and neither of us really had any friends. I guess we were both loners. Weirdos generally tend to gravitate towards each other, especially as teenagers. He didnt laugh at that. Why didnt you have any friends? He was running his fingers across the palm of my hand, tracing my life-line. It was so soothing I sighed softly. I dont know. Come on. I I thought. I was shyI was quiet...I was fatI didnt relate to any of the girls my age. And my mom was pretty demandingthats kinda when it started. I stopped talking then. Why was I talking about this? He was quiet for a moment. When what started? When she got sick? I nodded. I meanshe slowly started to shut people out of her life, you knownot that there were that many to begin with, butshe needed me, and I was so young, I needed her too, butI guess part of me knew it wasnt normal but it was all I knew. So I spent most of my time at homeeven thenbut when I met Tony, he kinda brought me out of my shell taught me how to dress and how to do my hair and put on makeup I was his little project. Brought all the pent-up girliness out in metold me I was beautiful I kind of laughed. But I was in love with him. I was so fuckin clueless. Ben laughed softly. Yserious? Yeah, I know its pretty funny. Damn Ben let his breath out. What the fuck did I know? I protested in my own defense, laughing along with him. Luckily, my gay-dar has improved I eyed him. Right? I teased him. Ben sucked his teeth at that though. Am not even answerin that, he dismissed my comment. He did a good job, though His words surprised me. At what? I wanted to know. He turned onto his side then, meeting my eyes and brushing the hair from my face. Turning you into a girl. I appreciate that about you. I smiled at that, and Ben leaned over and kissed me. When I opened my eyes, daylight was pouring in through the bedroom window. I rolled over and saw Ben, sitting on the edge of my bed in just his jeans, busy with his blackberry. Hey... I found my voice, nervous all of a sudden. What time is it? He glanced over at me and smiled. Its just eight oclock...but I gotta go get ready for work. My heart sank a little. Oh, right. He reached over and stroked the side of my face. Just keep sleeping, he said softly. I cleaned the kitchen for you. And I made coffee.

Oh... My heart did a little flip at the thought. He did what? Thanks, Ben. I wanted to sit up but then I remembered I was still completely naked, so I pulled the covers tighter around my body and snuggled my pillow instead. Youre welcome, Ben said easily, pulling on his shirt as I stared back longingly at that sexy torso of his. I hated when he covered it up. Your coffee makers a piece of shit, he added then. How old is that thing? I laughed softly. I dont know. Its just me that drinks coffee here anyway...but I guess I should buy a new one. Ben was on his feet then, gathering his wallet and keys from the night stand. So what you doin today? I sighed. Not much. Going to see my mom. We should go out later. Adams band playin a gig at Buena Comida, Ben threw out casually, becoming momentarily preoccupied with his phone again. My ears perked up immediately. I had been waiting to finally get a chance to go see Bens old band play a show. Ben had promised me he would get on stage and sing Pressure Drop if I ever came to one of their gigs. It was my favourite ska tune of all time I smiled at the invitation. Sounds good Cool... His voice trailed off as his phone sounded again and he read the text briefly. Shit. I gotta go, baby. And he leaned over quickly, kissing my forehead. Why? What is it? My heart rate sped up immediately. Fish monger on Powell. Shipment came in early. Fuck. The irritation in his tone was palpable, but I couldnt help but smile to myself at his restaurant-related emergency. What does that mean? I wanted to know. Means if I dont get there soon we aint havin any snapper on the menu today, he explained, pocketing his phone again. Okay, go. Text me later. And I shooed him out of the room, still curled up cozily in my warm bed. My brothers call came that afternoon. I was still in the waiting room outside my mothers room, waiting for her to finish with the physical therapist that was in with her. So hows she doing? I sighed. I dont really know, to be honest, Laz... What do you mean? Youre there with her. What are the doctors saying? None of her physical injuries are life-threatening but... she cant walk maybe never will again. Her shakings gotten worse. And her speech. I stared at a crack in the linoleum, tracing it back and forth with the toe of my sandal. He was quiet for a moment. And I just waited, mindlessly wondering what he was thinking. I had an idea. He was probably watching the clock, wondering how many more minutes this conversation would have to last, and how quickly he could just forget it and carry on with his day. And what about you, Gabby? His question surprised me. Me? Yeah, how are you doing? I know you and mom have always been really tight and

Tight? I cut him off. Yeah, of course were tight, Laz...Im all she has. Dont start the guilt-trip again, Gab. We been over this a thousand times. Things didnt have to be this way. Yeah, and what was the alternative? A home? You wanted to send her away, Laz...like six years ago already! Yeah. Somewhere equipped to take care of her, he said, his tone rising. But you decided to give up your life for her, Gab...you enjoy playing the martyr because its the perfect excuse for you to use when shit doesnt go your way because poor Gabriela gave up everything to take care of her mother... Fuck. Grow up, Gabby. Mom was actually happy about the idea of a care home, she told me herself, but as soon as you heard the idea you just lost it. We had to all calm you down, remember? And Mom just let it go. You think I ran away, right? That Im not a man, because Im not sitting around, waiting on my sick mother hand and foot...because I actually did something with my life? Thats what you think thats what youve always thought of me, Gabby. But what you dont know what no one ever fucking told you is that mom pushed me out. Did you ever think she wanted better for me? I love her just as much as you do, Gabriela. I tried okayyou dont know what I went through anyway, so stop trying to play the fucking victim, am getting real tired of it. I felt my hand trembling, the blood surging through my veins. I couldnt even find my voice, but Lazs words and the contempt spilling from his mouth just kept ringing and ringing in my ears. Drowning out any rational thought possible. So I just clicked my phone off. And immediately the ringing seemed to fade to nothing.

Chapter Eleven The Caribbean Days Festival in North Vancouver happened every year near the end of July. It was a two day long outdoor festival in Waterfront Park, full of various open stages for reggae, soca and calypso acts, Caribbean food vendors and booths that sold clothing, jewelry, and anything else island under the sun. The Metro-Vancouver Caribbean community and appreciators always came out in full force, and this year was no exception. I had been a few times in previous years and this year I had Tasha with me. Tasha was always completely in her zone at any Caribbean events, but Tony always felt a bit on edge, and as much as Id tried to convince him to come along, he bailed at the last minute, leaving me to inevitably have to mingle with Tasha and all of her loud and crazy booty-short-wearing girlfriends. Ben had a food truck at the festival, and although we planned to meet up during the day, I knew I wouldnt be able to spend all my time with him. The crowds were intense and he and a few of his staff were busy cooking and serving, feeding all the swarms of hungry festival-goers. It was a sweltering hot day for Vancouver even in July. The high was expected to reach 30 degrees Celsius, and not a cloud in the sky. Tasha had given me an impressive nod of approval when she caught sight of me in my daring ensemble for the day. I was wearing a printed sarong in multiple shades of purple that hung about knee-length over my strapless bra, of course which I had decided to belt, so my enormous booty wouldnt make me look like I was draped in a bed-sheet. My frizzy mop of curls was unmanageable in this heat so I had tied it into a messy bun and had on some dangling silver earrings and a few bangles and a pair of cute rimless sunglasses my fresh pedicure finishing my look in my new beige wedged sling-backs. Of course, to most men, Tashas tight little body simply sporting some white daisy-dukes and a yellow tube top was far more eye-stopping but I didnt care. I was making my own statement today. We exited the sea bus terminal and headed to the gates together in a crowd of other festival-goers, the music already pulling us in before we even got to the park. Hows your mom doing, girl? Tasha asked as we browsed some of the clothing booths together. I had a feeling Tony had prompted it, but I didnt care. I just came from the hospital, I told her. Shes the same... Laz called me yesterday, though. Hes planning to fly out here next week or so he says. I still didnt know quite what to make of my brothers sudden decision to come visit. Since his blow-up over the phone in the hospital waiting room with me two weeks earlier, we hadnt really spoken. Hed kept himself up-to-date with how my mom was doing through my aunt and when he did call me again and said he was flying in, I had been a little too stunned to ask too many questions. You serious? Tasha looked up from the rack of t-shirts she was scouring through. Wow I havent seen Laz in like... Years, I finished for her. Hey, what you think? I held out a t-shirt with a print of Bob a plume of smoke billowing out of his mouth. I should buy this for Tony, I joked.

Ha! Tasha laughed. She pulled out another t-shirt with the Rasta colours tie-dyed throughout. We just need to add a few more colours of the rainbow to it and he be set. She glanced out at the crowds. Lets go find Ben. I laughed. Its still early. I dismissed it, even thought I was also anxious to see him. Hes working. So instead we decided to go check out the band that had taken to the main-stage a reggae hip-hop duo was performing. I couldnt help noticing all the male eyes that kept falling all over the two of us, and I shuddered at the thought. We were getting it from all sides the skinny sister with the tight, little booty, and the plus-sized white girl wearing a sexy strapless, not leaving a whole lot to the imagination. People-watching in these crowds as it had been that night at the Commodore was always fascinating to me. The Rastamen usually always had white girls draped on their arms big or small, it didnt matter. And they usually always turned and checked me out as I passed. But one of them caught my eye right away as he was standing off in a group with a few other brothers talking. Tasha caught me looking as she pulled her eyes off the stage. Whoa...who is that? Is that...? I gave her a look, raising my eyebrows. Yup. I knew who she meant. Thats Ivan. Bens brother. As it had the first time I saw him in the mall, it blew me away how much those two looked alike. This time Ivans locks were hanging loose, and I noticed they were longer than Bens the longest ones nearly hung to his waist...thick ropes that were so well-maintained. You could tell he took amazing care of that hair. And that body -just like Ben, so tall and athletic with those broad shoulders and lean torso. He was dressed simply in a red sleeveless tshirt that showed off his toned arms, a pair of green cargo shorts and a pair of low-top Nikes some dark shades masking his eyes. Shit. Tasha let her breath out. Those are some fine genes runnin through that family. Okay, hes looking over here. I stole another glance, and sure enough, Ivan was looking in our direction, but then again, with those shades it was hard to tell for sure. Okay, stop looking, I ordered Tasha, turning back to the main-stage. You think he recognizes you? Tasha teased me, obviously enjoying the drama. I have no idea, I admitted. But you better hope he doesnt mistake you for Tony. Tasha laughed, and I couldnt help a little giggle myself, at the thought. Damn. He wont stop looking. Hes staring right at you, Gabby. Tasha could obviously not stop looking either. I took another moment and then couldnt help but steal another glance. When I did I noticed Levi, Bens delinquent little nephew/dish washer standing next to Ivan. Ivan was saying something and then I noticed Levi glance over in my direction. I quickly turned back to Tasha. Yeah, I think youre right. Theyre talking about us. Us? Tasha laughed. I wish...they talkin about you. Whos that little punk-ass kid hes with? I rolled my eyes. Thats his son. What? Tashas eyes went wide. He must be old as fuck to have a kid that age but that body is banging...real good genes, Gabby. You should have a baby with that man.

I knocked her arm but couldnt help laughing. What do you mean, old as fuck? Hes like...thirty-four or five or something max. Who, Ben? No, his brother. Hes only a couple years older than Ben, from what I could tell. The crowd was cheering for the hip hop act that had just finished their set. The emcee grabbed the mic then, introducing the next act and as the music started up again, I took another glance over to where Ivan and Levi had been standing. Levi was gone but Ivan was still there with his two friends and when I looked he caught my eye again. I quickly turned back to Tasha. Lets take a walk... Sure, I think I just saw Lisa and Tonya over by the hill. And she started off in that direction, which also happened to be directly in Ivans path. I had no choice but to follow her. So as we made our way through the crowds, I tried my best to avert my eyes, but of course, as we passed Ivan and his two friends and he looked right at me, I had no choice but to give him a forced smile of recognition. And that was all he needed. Whappen ladies? He addressed both of us, in that same smooth sexy tone his brother used so often. To me, it was the kind of comment that required only a quick hello as we kept walking but Tasha thought otherwise. She stopped walking and grinned right at him. Whassup, brother... Oh fuck. She was flirting. Ivan smiled at that. Its cool. His eyes darted back and forth between the two of us. So how tings? Yenjoying da show? He nodded at the stage. Its all right, you know. Tasha didnt skip a beat. You taking the stage next? Ivan laughed at that. Nah...this is my stage. Interesting comment, I thought. I guess it meant he was used to a lot of attention. Makes sense. Tasha smiled. She must have read my mind. Ivans eyes were on me again. I know you from somewhere. He just had to say it. I forced another smile. I know...it was that unfortunate incident at the mall. As if I had to remind him. He nodded slowly. Yeah, yeah...thats it. He pretended to remember. You need to keep dat boy on a tighter leash. I didnt know how to read that comment. Was that supposed to be a joke? Ohhhh...is this the guy that...? Tasha decided to play along. At the mall? When Tony got all up in that couples business? She looked back at Ivan. That was you? Ivan nodded. That was me. Oh. Wow. Okay. Tasha looked to be forming her next words. Well, just so you know, that boy is my brother, and I dont appreciate you talking about him like hes a fucking dog. Oh fuck. I wanted to bolt. But of course, once again, I was frozen solid. The two guys Ivan was with looked over as well. Ivans eyes went wide. I could see it even through the shades. He looked like he was about to say something, but quickly changed his mind and just sucked his teeth. Unfortunately, Tasha wasnt through. He thought you were her boyfriend! I mean...shit. He was just looking out for his girl. From the look on his face, I knew Ivan was all up into this now. Oh okay...who is he? What? Tasha was confused.

I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. Your boyfriend. Ivan was looking at me now. Tasha laughed. Now youre trippin... I was still just shaking my head, wondering how the hell I kept getting myself into these confrontations. I thought we covered that last time. I finally spoke. Ivan nodded slowly. Yeah, I know, am just checking. He finally dropped the act. So you my brothers new girlfriend Whats your name? I panicked for a moment but recovered myself as best I could, forcing another smile as I held my hand out. Gabriela. He uncrossed his arms slowly and took my hand. Its a pleasure.Im Ivan. Lisa! Girl, over here! Tasha was calling out, and before I knew it she had taken off and was meeting up with her two girlfriends about ten feet away. I turned back to Ivan quickly, about to excuse myself, but he decided to speak first, after following my eyes back over to Tasha again as she left. You have some interesting friends. Fuck, he sounded just like Ben, but the accent was a bit thicker. My brother meet those two yet? he wanted to know. I nodded quickly. They get along great. Defense-mode. That made him laugh, though. Boo! I nearly jumped myself when we were suddenly interrupted by a tiny little girl, no higher than Ivans waist, as she came up from behind and wrapped her little arms around his leg, giggling the whole time. Did I scare you? she asked then, sweetly. Ivan turned and looked down, just as I noticed that it was not just any little girl, but Sophie, Bens daughter, looking more adorable than ever, in a pair of jean shorts and a yellow tank top, a matching yellow-flowered head band holding back her massive mop of tight black curls. Ivan laughed and then reached down and scooped her up as she squealed again. Nah, you cant scare me...impossible, he teased her, giving her a little kiss on top of her head. What ya doin here? You all alone? She giggled again as Ivan set her back onto her feet. No, silly...Im only six, she said, as if that explained it all. She was looking at me then. Those are pretty. She pointed. My mommy wont let me pierce my ears, not until I turn ten. She looked back at her uncle. Wheres Angie? The twenty-thousand-dollar question, I thought to myself. Not here yet, she comin later, Ivan said simply. So if you not alone, where your people dem? He started looking around, but there was no need because a beautiful black-haired woman with a deep olive complexion and Hispanic features came up behind Sophie then, stroking her hair back, fanning herself with some festival flyers. She looked at least seven months pregnant. Well hello, Uncle Ivan, she teased, giving him a little nudge. Ivan gave her a quick up and down and smiled. Hey there beautiful...you lookin...big. He was focusing on her belly. Damn... I really needed to get the hell out of there. Sophies mother knocked Ivans arm again at that comment, giving him a playful glare.

I thought you said we could go look for Daddy, Sophie interrupted suddenly. Tasha had made her way back over to me then, her two Jamaican girlfriends in tow, giving me a quizzical look, so I found my out. It was nice meeting you, I said quickly, turning back to Ivan, finally getting Marias attention as well. He nodded. Likewise. I was happy he had enough sense not to bring Bens name up in our present company. We finally made our way over to the food truck strip about a half hour later. Ben had told me he would be pretty much tied up completely until at least four oclock, when his sous chef and another line cook were planning on relieving him. The line-ups were crazy, especially near the exit where The Rocks trailer was set up, along with a bunch of standing grills. I spotted Ben at the grill station, working furiously alongside a few of his staff. They had a portable stereo set up which was blasting some Buju Banton, and it seemed to be keeping those waiting in line happy some sisters were already dubbing it up right next to the grills, trying to get Bens attention. Fuck, Ben looked so sexy. He was wearing nothing but a pair of dark cargo shorts, his Rasta belt and ganja belt-buckle and a white muscle shirt, that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. His locks were knotted loosely and he had on a killer pair of Adidas gazelles. Sometimes when I looked at him in a crowd, I still couldnt believe I actually had sex with this man... Tasha eased herself up in front of the little make-shift gate that was set up blocking the grill station. We hungry! she called out to Ben. Feed us! One of the girls she had cut in front of gave her a dirty look but the other two just laughed. Ben turned around, wiping his brow off with a towel he had flung around his neck... I couldnt imagine grilling in this heat. He was sweating and it looked sexy as hell. Whassup, Tasha... He smiled at her. If you hungry, line-up start back there. He motioned with his eyes. Thats right, Ben, you tell her! one of the sisters still winding her booty, called out. Tasha sucked her teeth at him. Ben laughed and then looked over at me. Gimme a coupla minutes, okay? So the two of us hung around for another ten minutes or so as Ben finished up giving instructions to a few other staff who were taking over for him. I noticed him wiping his hands on the towel as he headed over to the gate, motioning me over with his eyes. I need ya help with something, he said simply, nodding at the gate. Can you hop this thing? My eyes went wide. Hell no! I said in all seriousness. Ben laughed. All right, lemme see what I can do... He moved over to the last peg of the gate that was stuck into the ground and pulled up, giving me just enough space to duck through between it and the chain-link fence that bordered the festival grounds. What you need me to do? I was curious as he led me behind the food truck to their washing station a few buckets, two big basins and a garden hose attached to a water line.

Guard me, he said simply, as he pulled his shirt up over his head and knelt down next to a big black duffel bag, rummaging through the contents. Damn. You getting naked? I teased him. You really think we got enough privacy back here for...you know... But Ben just sucked his teeth at me as he stood back up. You funny. He came towards me carrying a fresh t-shirt, a bath towel, and some body wash. I burst out laughing. You gotta be kidding me, Ben. Hold this, he instructed, laughing along with me. Ben grabbed the water hose and, leaning forward, he grabbed the knot holding his dreads back and released, dousing himself completely from the waist up. I jumped back, letting out a bit of a shriek, as the water sprayed back and drenched me from the knees down. He cut the water suddenly and reached his hand back so I passed him the body wash and started laughing all over again as I watched him lather up his hands, arms, armpits, chest and face then just rinse himself all over again. He had amazing aim. He only managed to get a light sprinkling of water droplets on his shorts. When he cut the water again I decided to be proactive and I walked up next to him and draped the towel around his neck for him before he stood up, spraying me again as he flung his soaking wet dreads back over his shoulders. Shit, baby. He let his breath out as he began towel-drying that gorgeous torso of his. That felt good. How do I smell? I laughed and took a step forward. He did a quick little peek around to see if anyone could see us and then just pulled me close, pressing my face against his damp chest and then lifting his arm, teasing me. I knocked him lightly as he laughed. Thats okay, I got something for that, he assured me, stepping back over to his duffel bag and pulling out his underarm deodorant, applying some quickly, as I kept laughing. You nuts, I told him, handing him his shirt. What about below the waist? Ha. He knelt down, packing up his duffel bag again, his clean shirt still draped over his shoulder. That part aint dirty baby, trust me. We got company, Benny... A voice called out from the food truck and just like that, Sophie and Maria appeared from the side of the trailer. Daddy! Sophie ran up and flung herself onto Bens back before he had a chance to stand up. Hey princess...you nearly knock me over, Ben said, reaching his arm around to pry her vice-grip off him gently, as he stood up slowly. Why you not wearing a shirt? she demanded. Because, Ben started, as he pulled a sleeveless white t-shirt sporting the Jamaican flag up over his head, I been cooking and sweatin and gettin all stinky...had to change. Sophie giggled as he tousled her curly mop of hair. Whassup, Maria, He addressed Sophies mother finally, who had already been giving me a more than curious look over, most likely recognizing me from our previous meeting. Not too much, she answered casually, still fanning herself with those flyers. Your father been waitin on you...said to send you to the top of the hill, they got some chairs and some blankets set up in the shade. Sophie marched right up to me. Can I see your earrings again? she asked sweetly. Sure. Here you go. I smiled and pulled one out and handed it to her to examine.

Ben and Maria looked over at the exchange. Then Maria glanced back over at Ben, waited, and then turned to me. Im Maria, she said then, extending her hand. Hi. I tried to conceal my nerves as I shook her hand. Gabriela. Sorry, my bad, Ben apologized quickly for his lack of manners. This is Sophies mom, Sophies mom, this is Gabriela. Maria gave Ben a look. Yeah, we got it. So when you good till? She changed the subject. I dont know how much longer Im a last in this heat. Dont worry bout it we good to go, Ben said simply. I bring her home tomorrow, too, I dont mind. Sophie was still busying herself with my earring. Maria glanced back over at me again, hesitating. Nah, its good, just bring her home once you finish up here, dont matter if its late. Sophie, come here and give your mama a kiss and be good for your daddy. Sophie ran over to her mother then and Maria leaned over to kiss her head. And make sure you go give that nice lady back her earring, she instructed her gently. Sophie came bouncing back over to me then. Thank you, she said, handing it back to me. And with that Maria disappeared around the side of the truck. Daddy! Daddy! Can we get some ice cream? Sophie was jumping up and down. Yeah, right away, baby, come here a second. Ben scooped her up and brought her over to me. You see this pretty lady with the flashy earrings? I smiled, as Sophie nestled her head onto Bens shoulder and looked at me. This is Gabriela, and shes my friend, so you need a be a good girl and listen and behave yaself today, all right? For both of us. Okay Daddy! Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!

Chapter Twelve The three of us set out. Tasha was nowhere in sight, but Id knew shed text me if she really needed me. I suddenly noticed a whole different kind of attention from men and women alike as we made our way through the crowds. I knew that Ben knew a lot of people, but in this crowd, he seemed like some kind of celebrity. Someone seemed to stop us every ten paces to say hello, and it made it nearly impossible for me to talk to him, so instead I decided to make small talk with Sophie talking Barbies, hair, clothes everything girly under the sun. She definitely was a princess, in all aspects. When we stopped in front of an ice cream stand, Ben was still in mid-conversation with a couple that had approached us, and Sophie started pulling on his leg, trying to get his attention. I could tell the conversation wasnt winding down yet so I motioned with my eyes to him that I would take Sophie over and buy her an ice cream cone. As we waited in line and Sophie was thinking out loud on what flavour she wanted, I spotted Angela making her way through the crowds, looking as perfectly put together as always, wearing a royal blue halter dress and some pointy-toed flats, her gorgeous red hair glowing in the sunlight in that messy side-braid she pulled off so casually. I glanced back at Ben, who was still standing not more than twenty feet away, still in mid-sentence. I wondered to myself if hed also noticed her coming. But then I realized I should have been more concerned with Sophie noticing her because all of a sudden I heard her calling out at the top of her lungs. Angie! Angie! Over here! She looked back over at me then. Thats my aunty in the blue dress! Step-mother turned aunty, I thought to myself. Angela saw her then and smiled and waved. I could tell she was holding back, not sure whether to approach once she saw me with Sophie. Can I go say hi to her? Sophie asked me then. Ah... I didnt know what to say. I think you should wait for your Daddy, sweetie. Okay, Ill go ask him! And then, just like that, she darted back over to where Ben was standing, and began pulling on his leg again. This time she got his attention and I followed his eyes then from her over to where Angela was standing with a few girlfriends. He looked back at Sophie and seemed to give her a the okay and I watched her bounce over to where she was standing and watched the two of them embrace, and then just leap into some heated conversation. When I glanced back at Ben again, I noticed his eyes on the two of them as well, but then just as quickly watched as he excused himself from the couple he was talking to and slowly make his way over to where I was standing, keeping his one eye on Sophie and Angela the whole way. You lost my kid, he teased me, as soon as he joined me in line. I smiled, apologetically. Yeah, sorry about that. She bolted. I nodded in the direction of the two of them. They still pretty tight, huh? Ben just shrugged, giving me that cute raise of his eyebrows. I guess so...My brother and my father are business partners. Sophie spends a lot of time with her grandparents so...

I ran into your brother and your baby-mama earlier too, I admitted, both of us still keeping our eyes out for Sophie. This place is crawlin with your peeps, Benjamin, I teased, hoping to lighten the mood. He sucked his teeth at that. Fi real...like one big, bad, awkward family reunion... His voice trailed off as we both noticed Angela and Sophie making their way back over to us. Daddy! Angie says Winston and Sam are playing over on the hill with Grandpa can we go? Can we? Sophie was jumping up and down, excitedly. Angelas eyes danced between the two of us for a moment. I can take her over for you if you like, she offered, addressing Ben directly. I dont mind. Ben hesitated, but only briefly. What bout your ice cream, Sophie? he asked his daughter instead. Oh yeah! Sophie said then, as if she was just remembering. We had reached the front of the line so I quickly motioned Sophie over and told Ben quickly that I would take care of it, so as Sophie and I turned to the counter to place our order, the conversation from behind me still rang out clear as day. Angela was the first to speak. Sorry, its just...you know Sophie doesnt get much time to see her cousins, I wasnt trying to interrupt anything. Its all right, Ben answered unenthusiastically. Yeah. All right. Whatever, Ben... He sucked his teeth at that. What that mean, Angie? Nothing. I just wish you would stop avoiding everyone because of me and Ivan. I could tell she was trying to lower her voice. Im a busy man, you know that. Seriously. The whole family is over there chilling, havin a nice time... Whose family is that? I could tell Ben was now trying to lower his voice as well. Sophies. He didnt say anything to that right away. I paid and passed Sophie her ice cream cone. Chocolate-vanilla swirl with sprinkles. You know... I decided to stall, grabbing some napkins for Sophie as I heard Bens voice again. I had all but ten minutes with my daughter now in over a week so...you know...as much as I appreciate you offerin to take her off my hands to go off and play on da hill with the family he stressed the word deliberately, I think Im good. So. Ill bring her over there on my own time. Slight pause. Sophie took a big lick off her giant cone. We good? No, not really... I heard Angela sigh. Hey Sophie! She called her over then, and Sophie turned around, concentrating on her cone. Im a see you later, okay? She smiled that beautiful smile of hers. Have fun with your daddy, and... She glanced over at me then but I couldnt quite read her expression. Gabriela, she finished. I turned to look at Ben as Angela left and noticed him watching her walk away for a few moments longer than seemed necessary. We spent the next hour or so cruising the festival grounds together. Just watching Ben and his daughter together gave me a permanent flutter in my tummy. I had never known my father, but Id always imagined what a father was and seeing Ben with Sophie was like an act out of every fantasy Id ever had running through my head since childhood. Caring and strong

and protective yet so playful and funny. The two of them were constantly cracking each other up. And Sophie talked a mile a minute, asking Ben question after question on any random topic that popped into her head. He had so much patience with her, but in a way that made it seem that it hadnt even occurred to him that he needed it. Eventually we sat down on the grass on the far side of the hill overlooking the mainstage. Sophie was jumping and skipping and dancing to the music and every now and then would come up behind Ben, wrap her arms around his shoulders and ask him silly questions. Youre really good with her. I made the observation while Sophie was a few feet away again, in her own little world. Ben glanced over at me. Yeah, well...shes pretty easy, and... His voice trailed off. What? I was curious. I dont get to see her much, you know that. I realized then that the topic hit a sore spot with Ben, in more ways than I previously noticed. Why is that? He sighed. Because I work a lot. Because Maria thinks I have no time for her. He sucked his teeth. The list goes on and on, Gabriela. But...why? I was confused. Why you think? I dont work a nine to five. I make a hell of a lot of money and I pay for fucking everything, but...thats the trade-off. He glanced over at me again. I used to have her with me at the restaurant a lot, when she was younger...seem to work out fine for us, yknow, there always be someone or somethin to keep her busy she used to love it but Maria put a stop to that too...she would say why should Sophie be runnin around in a restaurant every night and stayin up all hours and alla that when she could just be home with her? So I hired a nanny. Had someone stay at the house with her instead and feed her dinner and put her to bed when am not home and everything, but that just set Maria off even more, sayin why is some stranger raisin her daughter in a big empty house when she could just be at home with her... Ben sucked his teeth, pausing. Thinking. But in the end I just say to myself, fighting Maria aint worth it. I dont want Sophie growin up around all that bullshit, yknow, two parents who cant get along and everything Only leverage I got left is money. So I use it. Money? I was confused again. Yeah. Now when she start gettin too unreasonable I just threaten to take this shit to court and it shuts her right up, he said simply. Cause Maria knows if I did that shed lose a lot. Lose what? Money, Ben told me. I pay Maria a lot more than I would ever be legally obligated to. I thought about that. Considered it. Why do you? Ben sighed. Why wouldnt I? Sophie is my baby shes all I got. Who else am I runnin around gettin rich for, besides her? I smiled at that. I see your point. And besides, Maria and that punk she shackin up with they dont have a lot of money, but I do know she loves her daughter and they need it so... in that case, I dont mind. I was quiet for a moment, his comments sinking in fully. I dont know if there are a lot of men out there like you, Ben... Maybe... Ben kind of laughed. But thats just how I was raised. I mean, my mother is an amazing woman, but shes an artist she spend her days takin photographs and paintin

and watchin the sun set and shit...that never put clothes on our back or food on our plate and everything else...my father always sustain alla us, yknow, even from thousands of miles away, thats just the kinda man he is... The concept was so foreign to me, it was hard to grasp. I met his eyes then, smiling back at him. Sounds like he taught you well, Ben. He watched me for a moment, then reached out and tugged on my sunglasses, so he could take a peek at my eyes. I just take care of whats mine. Always have, always will. My tummy flipped at the thought. Sophie came and wrapped her arms around Bens neck again. How many people fit in this park, Daddy? I laughed at that but Ben didnt hesitate. Fifty-thousand. What?? Her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. You sure about that? I teased him. Ben just gave me a sideways glance. Uncertainty only leads to more questions. I laughed. Yeah...we all know how much you hate answering questions. Ben chuckled at that. Benny! We turned and saw a woman approaching us from the bottom of the hill. She was stunning tall and slim, aside from her wide hips and round bottom dressed simply in a yellow sleeveless sundress and matching head wrap her dark brown complexion set off beautifully by a brilliant, white smile and deep black eyes. She looked like shed just stepped out of the pages of Ebony magazine. Hey Shonny, whappen? Ben called back casually, as she made her way over to us. Ya people dem scouring di place for you... Her accent was Caribbean but I couldnt place it. Sophie, baby, whats good? She held her arms wide as Sophie ran over to give her a hug. Ben just sucked his teeth. My people dem...who you wah talk bout, Shonny? She sucked her teeth back at him. Your mummy an daddy...and Neva and Rohan waitin on you fi come check dem and ting too, Winston askin for Sophie... Ben sighed, leaning back on his elbows. I know, I know... He nodded at me. Gabriela, this my sister, Shonelle...well, my nephews mother. Shonelle waved it off. Yeah, we family just the same...nice to meet you, Gabriela. She extended her hand. I smiled. Same here. So this was the mother of Ivans sons, I realized then, as Shonelle settled down on the grass with us, stroking Sophies hair back, making herself comfortable. How things workin out with Levi at the restaurant? Shonelle changed course, asking about her son. Ben sighed. I dont know...its all right, I guess but it dont really help that hes family, yknow, he has a bit of an entitlement complex or something... Shonelle shook her head. Him and Ivan have it out last week too. Ben hesitated. Whappen? Shonelle glanced back and forth between the two of us and then over at Sophie, who was dancing around to the music coming from the main-stage again, not paying any attention to us. She lowered her voice. They gettin married, she admitted, reluctantly. I watched as Bens eyes went wide with shock. What?

Ysee? Shonelle went on. This is why you need a stop stayin away from everyone like you do...you didnt know, did you? Ben sucked his teeth but didnt speak. Levi didnt tell you? Shonelle continued then. They flyin down to Jamaica in di fall Ivan want to bring the boys and Levi refuse to go and the two of them get in dis huge fight...it was awful. Shonelle shook her head slowly. I dont really know everything that go down Levi wont talk about it and Ivan wont say much either. Ben still didnt speak. The silence in the air between the three of us was suddenly incredibly awkward. I had a sudden feeling come over me like I shouldnt be hearing what I was hearing, that maybe Ben was holding his tongue because of me. This was too much drama my run-in with Ivan, Maria, and Angela and what was the real reason Ben wasnt in any hurry to head over to see his family? Was it me? I just didnt know anymore. Hey...Ben... Shonelle reached over and tapped his leg. Sorry fi bring dis up right now...I wasnt thinking. I guess she sensed exactly what I did. Nah...its cool. Ben dismissed it. I looked over at Ben, but I was unable to read his expression. He was looking out down the hill, watching Sophie. Hey. I found my voice suddenly. I wondered if the two of them even knew I was still there. Im gonna let you two talk...Im gonna take a walk and look for Tasha. I moved to get up and saw Ben glance over. Finally. I didnt wait for him to say anything though. It was nice to meet you, Shonelle. Yeah, same here. She smiled back at me. And I took off down the hill, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do. My head was spinning. The crowd near the main-stage had filled up quite a bit a well-known local reggae act was playing a Beres Hammond cover, the singer swaying across the stage and winding up the crowds, getting everyone moving. I pulled my phone out to text Tasha just as I felt someone brush up behind me, a hand on my waist... I spun around. Hey. It was Ben. Oh...hey. I caught my breath. Wheres Sophie? Shonny watchin her for a minute, he said simply. I wasnt runnin you off, baby...why you leave? I dont know, I said. I just thought maybe you needed some privacy or something. Its a lot to take in. But Ben just sucked his teeth. Well... He thought for a moment. You know what they say? I was confused. No. What do they say? Places like this...these festivals and ting...for us Caribbean people, if you bring a girl somewhere like this...it basically like takin her home to meet your mother, so...I shoulda warn you there was some drama that would go down. He reached out and brushed a stray curl from my forehead. I just wasnt sure how much you could take...so I just tried to keep my distance from folks, but it aint really work out too good... I couldnt help a little smile. I see... His hand ran down my arm then, locking his fingers with mine. Cmon, lets go. Where we going? I wanted to know, a little blown away by the silent message he was sending out holding my hand like that as we started to make our way through the crowds.

I need to go check my father and mi step-mom before they send out another search party. He looked over at me. Unless you still goin look for Tasha. Up to you. I smiled, my decision already made. Nah...Im good. I glanced down at our hands and squeezed lightly. This is quite a bold statement youre makin here, mister. He raised his eyebrows at me then. What? He pulled my hand up gently and brought it to his lips. This? He kissed my fingers softly. Damn... I let my breath out, feeling my face go flush. Now Im getting nervous. He let out a little laugh. Yeah, I know...am always makin you nervous. This is true, I admitted, trying to ignore the looks we were getting. The women in this crowd were not shy and it was much more obvious now that I was next to Ben. How do you handle all this attention? He eyed me. Attention? I rolled my eyes. Okay...Ill just try to ignore all the ladies undressing you with their eyes as they walk by...and lookin at me like Im some kind of cock-block or something... Ben sucked his teeth, laughing at me. Nah...Caribbean girls just like that all up in your business all di time especially when you with a white girl...am used to it. He gave me a little suspicious look. Why you act so shocked anyway? You been with black guys before. Yeah, I sighed. Thanks for reminding me. Ohh... Ben laughed again. That hurts. I shrugged. Youre hotter than my ex-boyfriends, though. Good, he said simply, and I couldnt help laughing. Would hate to have one of em come steal you away from me...dont think my ego could handle it. I rolled my eyes, his sarcasm not lost on me for a minute. Youre so fucking arrogant. I just had to say it. He eyed me then, giving me that irresistible lift of his eyebrows. Turns you on, I know. Yeah, kinda, I admitted. So youre gonna introduce me to your family, huh? Should I be scared? Terrified.

Chapter Thirteen And so I braced myself for the worst. As we reached the top of the hill I noticed a large crowd of people all gathered together casually, some sprawled out on the grass, some children running around playing Sophie among them some older folks resting under one large shady Oak tree on some lawn chairs. This crowd was more than I thought I could handle, and Ben was still casually holding my hand like it was nothing. Angela was also among the group a little farther off, talking to a couple women. Ivan was sitting on the grass, his elbows resting on his raised knees, casually tossing a ball with one of the younger kids. I saw him glance over as we approached, as did most of the crowd. You werent kidding I let my breath out softly, retrieving my hand self-consciously. Ben nodded toward the Oak tree. Thats my pops over there. I noticed right away who he was referring to the tall, lean, handsome middle aged version of himself seated in one of the lawn chairs next to a bleached-blonde, slim, attractive older white woman wearing a pair of white capris and a long sleeveless purple tunic, her hair piled up in a high messy pony tail. Benjamin His father called his name out slowly as we approached, his accent strong and deep. Yow, pops, whats happening? Ben said casually, then turned to the blond woman next to him, and to my surprise, she stood up and gave him a quick embrace. Hi Sally How you doing, Ben? She had such a warm, motherly, kind demeanor. And a lovely face. My mind raced. Bens step-mother was a white woman?? Cant complain. Ben turned to me then. Pops, Sally, this is Gabriela, he introduced me. Gabriela, this is Mister Ivan Martin, Sr. and the missus Sally rolled her eyes affectionately and laughed, turning to me warmly. Always the comedian She extended her hand. Nice to meet you, Gabriela. There was something about herI liked her already Bens father smiled at me and nodded politely, standing to shake my hand as well. I took a breath. Nice to meet you both as well. I needed to get a grip on my nerves. Ben had already lowered himself down onto the grass next to his father and was making conversation. Sally tuned back to me. You two having a good time? Its nice to see someone was able to pull Ben away from the food truck. I laughed. Yeah, it wasnt easy, though. I dont doubt it. She was eyeing me up. You known Ben long? I flushed. Umma couple months. Something like that. She smiled again. You met the family yet? She nodded in the direction of the group. I shook my head nervously. No, not really. I took a breath. Looks big though Hmm She followed my gaze. Well, lets seeso that over there is Ivan, Jr., Bens older brother but thats a bit obviousand way over next to that tree over there is Geneva the one in red thats Bens younger sister. Next to her is her husband, Rohan I followed her gaze and spotted a tall, slim, breathtakingly beautiful girl in a bright red tube dress with thick spiralled curls that hung to her shoulders, framing her flawless features and deep bright eyes. What was it with this family and their drop-dead immaculate beauty? Next to

her was her husband, a tall handsome light-skinned man with a low fade and broad shoulders. A very suitable match. Sally pulled my gaze back again. And those are my two girls over on the blanket Kim is the oldest and Aliyah is my babyprobably always will be I stopped when I saw who she was pointing to the contrast making me take a moment to register it. Both girls were mixed, the first looking to be about my age, but dressed simply in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of knee-length capris and black flip flops. She had a thick mop of brown curls all tied back in a tight pony tail. And she was a heavy girl, much larger than me by at least another hundred pounds. She looked bored to death, slung back in an oversized lawn chair next to her sister who was sitting cross-legged on the blanket next to her, pointing and talking loudly, animated over something. I couldnt tell the younger ones age with much accuracy. She had down-syndrome. We try to get the whole family out together like this when the festival comes around, Sally was saying. Aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole crewbut thats too much for you to take in all at once, Im sure. I smiled again. Big family Hi Ben! Hi Ben! I noticed Aliyah then, waving, trying to get Bens attention. He was still talking with his father, laughing about something, but he turned around when he heard her and casually leaned over toward the blanket where she was and held his hand out. Whassup, Ali I heard him call out and then watched as Aliyah smacked his hand hard in an overexaggerated high-five, and then hesitate, waiting, as Ben gave her another little hand signal with a lift of his eyebrows, teasing her, until they completed an obvious secret handshake that was all their own. Aliyah laughed and I saw Kim just roll her eyes. That is the most annoying thing youve ever taught that girl for real, she slurred at Ben. But Ben just sucked his teeth. What are you talkin about Kimmie? I never taught her that, she taught me thats why it so complicated, right Ali? Aliyah nodded, giving a dramatic flip of her hair. Jealous much? she threw back at her sister. Ben laughed and Sally and I also couldnt contain our amusement, but Kim just shook her head, her irritated expression only giving way to a hint of amusement. And then Sophie and another little boy about her same age came running over, plopping themselves onto the mat with Aliyah, diverting her attention. Ben eased himself up off the ground and came back over to me. Those are my two crazy step-sisters, he explained to me, nodding back over in their direction. I smiled. Yeah, I know, Sally gave me the run-down The condensed version, Sally added. How come you never told me you had step-sisters? I frowned at him, knocking his arm playfully. Cause they crazy, Ben said, matter-of-factly. My eyes widened in surprise, as Sally was still standing there with us but Ben didnt seem bothered. Sally knows, Gabby she gave birth to them. My eyes went wide in horror again but Sally was just shaking her head, amused along with him. Dont mind this one, Gabriela. Hes just talk, she teased. Rohan came over and pulled Bens attention away and Sally leaned in closer to me. He can get away with it because no one loves those girls like Ben does, she explained. He was

always there for them, and believe me, five kids and two adults living in a three bedroom house thats not easy for anyone. Ivan Bens brother he lasted about eight months, but Ben, he stuck it out for about five years with these two didnt leave home until he turned twenty sohe has a stronger bond with my girls. I was fascinated. This inside information on Ben and his family was priceless. I wanted to know more. How old were your daughters when Ben came from Jamaica? I asked. Sally thought for a moment. Well, Kim would have been about seven and Aliyah was five, so quite young still. My first husband left after Ali was born and about a year or so later I met Bens father on a trip with some friends in Jamaica. We got married a few months later, he moved with me to Canada took in those girls and loved them and raised them as his own all the while working so he could have his own children back with him again one day She paused, smiling a bit at the memory. It was a struggle but such a blessing just the same to have our family completebetter late than never, as they say I nodded silently, gazing out at the group, noticing that even though they were in immediate proximity to one another, Ben and his brother avoided each other like the plague. Almost like an unspoken rule between them. Geneva was making her way over to us then. From up close I was even more taken by her beauty. She was the female version of Ben I saw so many similarities, from the dark chocolate colouring to those deep set eyes, high cheekbones, that bright white smile Sally pulled her attention over first. Neva, honey, this is Gabriela a friend of your brothers, she introduced me easily. I noticed Genevas eyes go wide for a moment in surprise but she smiled back at me. Pleased to meet you, Gabriela, my name is Geneva. She took my hand and we shook. Her voice came out all smoothe and deep, without a trace of accent. Elegant. Like a television reporter. I smiled politely, not finding my words. Hi I finally managed. Im assuming you mean Ben right? She nodded over at him then, taking a guess on the brother in question. At the mention of his name, Ben turned and addressed his sister casually. Whassup, Neva? He draped his arm around her shoulders and gave a little squeeze. Whassup yourself? She eyed him suspiciously. Youre leaving poor Sally over here to make all your introductions for you, she added, nodding in my direction. He sighed. Yeah, I know, my bad He eyed me and nodded over at Geneva. Gabriela, this is the queen of England right here. We dont bow, though, it makes her uncomfortable Geneva just rolled her eyes. Youre such an asshole. Shes the mouthy one, too, Ben added then. Youd think it was Kimmie, but this one here worse Geneva sighed. And you know you only say that cause Kimmie could beat your ass with her pinky fingers. Ben laughed at that. No doubt He didnt deny it. Sally shook her head. You kids play nice. She touched my arm affectionately. It was nice meeting you, Gabriela. Yeah, you too, Sally, I smiled, turning to her as she walked away. Ben was in mid-sentence with his sister. Yall go eat yet or what?

Not yet. Too hot, Geneva said. But Winston gonna get hungry soon, Im sure I saw her glance over to where Sophie and that other little boy were still playing on the blanket with Aliyah. So you gonna hold down da fort for me for a while or what? Ben asked his sister as he nodded in the direction of the family. Gabby and I are gonna bounce for a bit. We were? Genevas eyes went wide. You serious, Ben? You just got here! I know, dont worry Ill leave you my kid, so Ill have to come back, he teased her. Wow She shook her head dramatically. You give an inch and look what happens, she muttered, narrowing her eyes at her brother. You comin to Winstons party next weekend, right? Ben looked momentarily confused. What day is it again? I sent you an e-vite! Can you believe this guy? She turned to me for support, and then turned back to Ben. E-vite? Ben sucked his teeth. What the fuck is an e-vite? Geneva rolled her eyes. Sunday. Check your email, she ordered. Ben smiled apologetically. Will do. Thanks sis. He gave her a little kiss on her forehead. That was fast, I said, as soon as we were out of earshot and making our way back down the hill. Yeah, I know, I just wanna go check on things by the food truck, Ben dismissed it. I sighed, glancing over at him out of the corner of my eye, starting to get a feeling that Ben tended to avoid his family on a regular basis. I guess Angela had been right. Well, thanks for not deserting me over there, I appreciate it. Ben gave me a little sideways glance. Youre welcome, he said, in all seriousness. I laughed. That was a joke. Your familys awesome. Your sisteryour step-mom she seems really nice, by the way Ben smiled. She is, he agreed. Shes greatshes my white mother, he joked, laughing softly. I smiled at that. I cant believe you never told me about her or your step-sisters either! Really? Why is that? What do you mean, why is that? I mean, from what Sally was saying they are a big part of your life My voice trailed off as I thought of my mother. I thought of how I had to take care of my mother, and how Sally would most likely need to take care of Aliyah her entire life. I dont know, I guess I just thought with everything I was going through with my mom that maybeI dont knowyou would have told me about Aliyah. I mean, its not the same thing, but I paused and glanced over at Ben. Well He looked to be thinking as well. Youre right. Maybe thats whybecause its not the same thing. Ali isnt sick, Alis justshes just different, thats allI mean, she has a job and she lives on her ownshe has a transit pass the girls actually got it under control, yknow, shes pretty independent, soI guess I didnt see the comparison. He thought for a moment. I worry about you, though.

I nodded slowly. I know. Ben was quiet for a moment. The music from the mainstage started up again and Morgan Heritages Down by the River started up to some loud cheers. You figure out what you need to talk about once your brother gets here? Ben asked then, pulling my thoughts from the music. That is if he comes, I reminded him. But no, not really. Ben sighed. I took a lot of comfort in how much he seemed to care about me. I just wasnt sure if it would lastif it could ever be enough... Well, you gotta figure that shit out, Gabriela, he said seriously. Cause your place aint got no ramp, and you know what the doctors told you, so I nodded again, remembering. With a broken hip, my mother would never walk again. When she finally was released from the hospital, shed be in a wheelchair on a permanent basis. Youre gonna have to move. Now he was just stating the obvious to me. I know, I know My mind was racing. Ben? I looked at him. I dont want to talk about this right now. Ben narrowed his eyes at me, watching me, studying me. Then he sucked his teeth. Stubborn lady, he said softly, reaching out and pushing a curl from my face. No, I sighed. Im just having a nice time, so Soyoure being dismissive about your problems because we all know as soon as you stop thinking about something it just magically goes away. He raised his eyebrows at me. I dont know why I never thought of that I just rolled my eyes. Always the comedian, I teased, repeating his step-mothers words. Yeah, but He was thinking again. Lets say I was able to help you I gave him a strange look. Help me how? We were approaching the gate that blocked the entrance behind the food trucks. The noise from the crowds and the music was getting louder. The line-ups had grown. Ben pulled me over against the fence and turned to face me. Help you with your living situation. I raised my eyebrows. How you gonna do that? I wanted to know. Do you own a vacant apartment with an elevator? He smiled at that. No, but He paused, watching me for a moment. I could get you out of your lease. My eyes went wide. I was completely confused. What are you talking about? Well, I was thinking about what you told meabout that apartment your aunt found I shook my head. Ben, thats impossible. Its for August first, thats like a week away, I told you all this It still available? I dont know My mind was racing. MaybeIm confused. Ben sighed. Awright, listen. He focused his gaze directly on mine. I wanna help you. And I been thinking a lot about this and I was planning to tell you this later butchange of plans. You need to take that apartment, and if that ones not available, you need to find another onefor the first of the month. I was still terribly confused. But I cant, you know this. Our lease isnt up for another six months and theres no way I could find anyone to sublet in a week, come up with the security, pack, move I was getting a head ache.

Ben sighed again. Yeah, I know you cant, he said. But you dont have tothats what am trying to tell you. I stared back at him, still unsure what he was getting at. You just have to get yourself the new place, Gabriela, and Ill take care of the old one. I stared back at him in shock. Meaning what? Ben sucked his teeth then, looking a bit frustrated with my inability to catch on. Meaning Ill cover you till you find a sublet. Make sense? What? My jaw dropped. Ben, thats crazy! I cant take your money. That made him smile just slightly. Im not giving you my money. You know what I mean. They could clear your mom to go home any day now then what you gonna do? he challenged me. He was right. I knew it. I would be fucked. You do it this way, baby, you have a place for her whenever that time comes, and the beauty of it is you can move in slowly take your time and do shit right, Ben said. Unless you got a better plan. I didnt. I had no plan. Well...I told you, I was gonna talk to Laz when he gets here, I said, pathetically. Well, thats great if your brother wants to pay for it after you talk to him, no problem, we consider it a loan, it dont matter to me, Ben said simply. But whether or not that happen doesnt really change anything am doing this for you. Yeah, but I didnt know what to say. My heart was racing so fast and my head was spinning in circles. Its too much. My voice came out in barely a whisper. It was all I could manage. I dont know what to say. Ben sucked his teeth, smiling, and reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb. Just say thank you, he said, as if it was all just that simple. I mean, its one thing not to ask for help when you need it, but to turn it down when its offered? Thats just fuckin stupid. For real. No offence, baby. I met his eyes then, glaring back at him. It was just like Ben to throw out an insult to break the tension. So he started slowly, Im gonna go check on my crewwait for me here? He raised his eyebrows in that heart-stopping way of his. I nodded slowly, silently. He smiled, reached out and held my face as he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, softest, tastiest little kiss on my mouth making my heart race and my knees wobble, all in the same nanosecond. I took those brief minutes alone to let Bens spontaneous, mind-blowingly generous offer to sink in. I found a tree stump near the chain-link fence and sat down in relative seclusion and pulled out a cigarette. Smoke and think. It always seemed to be my first go-to, although a lot of the time I realized it was really just a vice a distraction. Then again, it almost seemed like everything in my life at the moment was just serving as a major distraction. Taking care of my mother, making sure we functioned on a day-to-day basis, that we paid our bills, had a roof over our head and made it through to the next month was just what I did. The futureplanning

aheadfocusing on the bigger picture that just wasnt a part of my reality. It never had been. We didnt save. We didnt set aside anything for a rainy day. In our world it just didnt rain ever. My mothers disability cheque barely paid for groceries and transportation. My pay cheque was everything without it we wouldnt get from one month to the next. And any given day my mother would be discharged from the hospital and I would have nowhere to take her. And in the wake of all that, I instead just thought about everything else. My head was spinning. I couldnt take Bens money. It was too much. Our rent was nearly $1200 a month and what if I couldnt sublet immediately? The amount would just double, triple, quadrupleand to what end? I knew Ben had money, and maybe it wasnt a lot of money to him, but how could I ever repay it? How could I indebt myself to him to that degree before I even knew the status of our relationship? It was too crazy to consider. But then there was the alternative. And Ben was right. I was up a creek without a paddle and had been ever since my mothers accident. I was stubbing out my cigarette as I saw Ben making his way back over to where I was sitting. He lowered his eyes at me as he approached. Sorry I shrugged. Me and my filthy habit. He sighed. Its awright, he admitted easily, grabbing one of his elbows and stretching his arms out casually, first one and then the other. I was immediatey distracted again by his gorgeous body I smoke too. Just a different poison. He winked at me. I smiled, popping some mint gum into my mouth. I took a breath. A loan, I said firmly, standing up to face him. Ill need to pay you back. I held his gaze. And thank you. But Ben just sucked his teeth. I dont do loans, Gabriela, he said simply. I dont give away money expecting to get it back Im not a bank. I stared back at him, completely exasperated. But you just told me if Laz agreed to pay to consider it a loan! No, he corrected me. I meant if he wants to put up the money out of his own free will then fine not just because hes payin back some dude thats bangin his sister. I let my breath out, frustrated. I see. Look, Gabby, I told you already, I want to do this for you, he said. I dont loan people money out of principle. Never have, never will. He watched me for a moment. Do you want that in writing? I let out a little laugh but rolled my eyes. Never mind I turned and gazed out at the crowds. Just let me think about this shit for a bitokay? I looked back over at him. He shook his head at me, sighing. Why you so stubborn? Youre like one of the most irrational girls I ever metfor realyoure lucky youre so pretty. I raised my eyebrows at him. Thats tame, I noted. Especially for I stopped. Is that really all you are? He gave me a look. What? Just some dude thats bangin his sister? I repeated his words. He kind of laughed. Well yeahto him I am. I sighed. I see I thought about that, as we started walking again. I have sisters too, he reminded me, nudging my shoulder lightly with his. I smiled. So thats how you think too, huh? Well He thought. Nevas married sothe guys been around a while so we cool now.

I laughed. And what about your evil step-sisters? I teased him. He narrowed his eyes at me. Damnthats harsh, he said, feigning offence. Kimmie, though, she would kill any guy that look at her the wrong way herself, so I dont really gotta worry about her. But Ali shes brought a couple questionable dates around before I had to keep my eye on nothin too serious though. That made me smile. Why? What was wrong with them? Well He thought for a moment. She met this one guy through her agency at her job invite him over a couple times for dinner. Each time we sat down to eat he would start moaning real loud and shaking and holding his ears, and then Aliyah would start crying and go lock herself in the bathroom for hours and hours too much drama. Dude had to go. Eventually they transferred him so she could keep her job. I frowned. Thats so sad. I paused. What does she do for work? I was curious now. Shes a chef. I gave him a disapproving look and narrowed my eyes. Ben smiled. I tried to tell her she was a sandwich artist but she didnt like that she only answers to chef. My eyes popped open. She works at Subway? I was impressed. Ben laughed. Noshe works at a school. In the cafeteria. She makes sandwiches. She used to just wrap them and hand them out but a couple months ago she got a promotion. So now shes a chef. I smiled. You must like that, huh? Following in your foot steps and all Im just happy she likes it, he admitted. Its kinda hard for her to keep a job for long sowhatever works. I was still smiling to myself, taking it all in. What? Ben nudged me out of my private thoughts, watching me. What? I turned back to him. Whats that look? he wanted to know. Nothing, its justyour family, I admitted. They just all seem so nice and down to earth andnormal. I like that. Ben gave me a confused look. As opposed to what? The crack-head gangstas you assumed raised me? I laughed. NobutI dont knowits just nice to see that its not all just bedhopping, girlfriend-stealing, scandalous shit going on, you know? I bit my lip. Sorry, that probably came out wrong. Ben sucked his teeth and stared me down. That was uncalled for. I know. Im sorry. I eyed him. Are you okay? I teased him. No. You sure? I gave him my innocent, puppy eyes for effect. He sucked his teeth at me again, but I saw the flicker of amusement behind those sexy eyes of his. You need a spanking, he said softly. Maybe Ill have to take you home later and get a little scandalous on that big-ass mouth of yours I bit my lip as I felt a surge of excitement flow through me at the thought. Yes, please, I answered quickly.

Chapter Fourteen Tasha and I were scoping out the action near the main stage. Id left Ben up on the hill to spend a little quality time with some of his family members. I figured it may be wise to give him some privacy. Its getting fuckin crazy, girl Tasha was saying as we got nearer to the crowds. Did Ben say he had some blaze? I laughed, scanning the crowds and swaying to the music. The band on stage was playing a Jah Cure cover and the crowd was going wild. He always has, I told her. I think hes just waitinghis parents are taking Sophie home with them soon That sucks. Tasha made a face, still scanning the faces in the crowd. I could go for some now. There were small groups of people openly smoking weed around the main stage and Tasha pulled me in further into the masses. Yo, check it theres your asshole brother-in-law! She nodded over to where she saw Ivan sharing a spliff with a few others in the crowd. He owes mecome on And before I could protest she grabbed my arm and pulled me over to where they were. Ivan saw us then as we approached. He was laughing at something one of his friends was saying and then he reached out and tapped Tashas arm, gesturing her closer. Hey I heard him shout out over the music. No hard feelings, girl I saw him give her that same little eyebrow raise I knew Ben so well for, as an apology. It was unnerving to me how much they looked alike. Am not a bad guy And then he glanced over at me. You should know that too. What? I shouted back over the blaring outdoor speakers. I couldnt hear a thing. He gestured me to come closer, but Tasha broke in, nodding toward the spliff he was holding. Peace offering! she shouted out. Ivan laughed at that. All good he agreed, handing over the joint, giving her that alltoo-familiar up and down that all Caribbean men were so famous for. She took a deep drag and then pulled me in between them and passed it to me. I brought it to my lips and took too deep a pull and started coughing. Fuck, I hated that. Easy girl I heard Ivans voice as I recovered myself and he took the spliff back. The three of us passed the joint around another two times in silence, swaying and moving to the music, watching the band. The weed was strong and I felt myself start spinning much sooner than I was used to. That and the heat from the sun and the melody from the stage sent me into a mini-trance. I started to wonder seriously and far too urgently why I was here in the crowd smoking a joint with Bens estranged brother, who apparently had a thing for helping himself to his brothers left-overs. They obviously had the same taste in women. That thought seemed to always hit me whenever Ivan looked at me. I snapped myself out of it and stole a glance at Bens double, standing only a foot or so to my right. He was nodding his head oh-so-slightly to the beat, taking his turn on the spliff. He was smooth, I could tell. Far too smooth. The music was piercing through me Congratulations! I found myself leaning over to him as he passed Tasha the joint.

He gave me a puzzled look, his eyes a little heavy from the weed, his movements in slow motion. Fuck, he looked just like Ben. I hear youre engaged! I shouted again, trying to explain myself. Congratulations! The expression on his face showed recognition. He nodded slowly, smiling slightly. Thank you, he managed finally, then motioned me closer and leaned into my ear. You should tell my brother to come to my wedding. You should come too I smiled slowly as the words registered. Probably not gonna happen! I heard myself shouting back, and then bit my tongue. But for some reason he seemed to find that amusing. I know. Its too bad, though, I added quickly. He raised his eyebrows. Way too familiar. I couldnt stop thinking about it. You look just like him! I heard myself saying then. Its so fuckin weird I cant get over it! He smiled at that, though. Even though I could have hit myself for all the stupid shit that was coming out of my mouth He leaned into me again. Its the angle. What? I was confused. Its just my left side that looks like him, he explained. On my right, its him that looks like me. I laughed. Thats funny. Im fucking stoned. He smiled, taking the roach back from me. Youre welcome. We pulled up outside Bens parents house just before 11 pm. They lived in a modest, but well-maintained two-storey character home near Venables and Victoria, only a block off Commerical Drive. The front porch and walkway was surrounded by impeccable flower beds. So this is where you grew up, huh? I smiled, turning to Ben as he cut the engine. No, baby, I grew up in Mango Walk, Montego Bay, he teased me. But I know what you mean, so yes I laughed at that. Hey look Sallys on the porch. Bens phone was buzzing. I saw him pull it out, check the message and suck his teeth in irritation. Gimme a minute, he told me simply as he hit dial and pulled the phone to his ear. Hey he started after whoever he called had answered. Outside my folks placeNo, Sally took her home about eight or somethin, she was tiredwell, thats what am doin right now, she gonna be asleep though, but its your callCool. Later. He clicked his phone off. Maria. I didnt have to ask. Ben reached for the door, and glanced over at me casually. Ycoming? Hello again Sally called out, beckoning us over. She was seated on a wicker couch, reading a novel, a pot of tea on the table in front of her. Have a seat you twolet me get you a cup. She moved to get up, but Ben waved her off as he sank down on the wicker chair opposite her. I took the couch next to Sally. Nah, no time, Ben said simply. Maria waiting.

Sally sighed, shaking her head slightly. Sophies fast asleep, Ben. Just call her and tell her Ill bring her home in the morning. Ben sucked his teeth. Am not arguing with her. Sally narrowed her eyes at her step-son. Reasoning, she stressed. Not arguing. Ben laughed at that. Whats that? he wanted to know. Sally shook her head, eyeing me briefly. Unbelievable. She lay her book down. Give me your phone. Let me call her. Ben didnt say anything right away. He eyed Sally back, unconvinced. Come on, this is ridiculous. Hand it over, she insisted. I smiled at that. Ben sucked his teeth again, relenting. Knock yourself out, Sally. He pulled out his blackberry, hit dial, and handed Sally the phone. I loved the no-nonsense expression on Sallys face as she pressed the phone to her ear. Maria? Hi sweetheart, its SallyIm great, how are you? How are you feeling, dear, hows the baby?...Did you? Long pause on Sallys end. Ben leaned back on the chair he was on, just watching the show in silence. Wow no kidding... Sally started in again. You know, it was so long ago, I cant even remember Long pause again. Ben sighed, watching Sally, starting to look impatient. Darling, its stress. And you know why its so dangerous? Because its a silent killer you dont ever realize the power of the human mind, Maria, it can cripple you physically without you even What the fuck? Ben rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, but Sally just raised a finger to him, silencing him. Listen, darling, you just put your feet up and stop worrying, okay? Sophie is sleeping soundly, happy as a clam, Ill gladly bring her home to you in morning, you just get yourself some rest, awright? Shes safe and sound here with her grandparents What? Slight pause. Well, I dont know, sweetie, I think youll have to ask him that yourself Her eyes focused over on me briefly. From what I can tell, she seems like a lovely girl, you have nothing to worry about Bens eyes went wide. Are you fucking kidding me? Sally raised her finger again, shooting him some dagger eyes. Awright Maria, just get some sleep, okay? Okay, take careyou too. Click. Sally let her breath out. Temper, Benjamin. She shot him another warning glance and passed him back his phone. Piece of cake. I turned to look at Ben, impressed. Wow. They could use you to negotiate peace treaties overseas, that was amazing, I complimented Sally then. Sally laughed at that, but Ben just pocketed his phone again, still looking a bit uneasy. Now Sally stood up. Can I get you both a cup of tea? Ben was still silent, but I met Sallys eyes and smiled, leaning back into the wicker couch. I would love one, I told her. Ben raised his eyebrows at me as soon as Sally stepped through the front door. I like that lady, I said simply. Ben narrowed his eyes at me. That dont surprise me, he teased me softly. You sure you dont wanna bounce? Its gettin late I shrugged. Im okay

Ben sighed. Cool And then he leaned forward, pulling out his baggie of weed and preparing to roll up. My eyes went wide. You doin that here? I was surprised. He looked up. Yeah, why? he wondered, not looking bothered. Nothing, I guess I watched him for a moment. I got high with your brother today near the main stage, with Tasha. Ben looked up, eyeing me suspiciously. Howd that happen? I sighed. Tasha, I explained. She was scoping out the crowds for a free hit and she saw him smoking. I see Ben pulled the joint to his lips, licking the seal. I took a chance. He asked me to tell you you should come to his wedding. He asked me to come too. Ben looked up at me, narrowing his eyes. Then he pulled out his lighter and lit up slowly, purposefullystalling. I waited. What you tell him? he asked me then. I thought. UmmmI dont know anymore. I was high. Ben paused a moment, debating my answer silently. Here, he said then, passing me the joint. I shook my head. Its okay, I dont wanna smoke around your parents, I feel weird. Ben laughed softly. Why? He looked amused. They smoke too. Yeah, but I thought. Itll just make me too shy, Im too nervous already. Ben smiled, taking a deep pull off the joint, his eyes penetrating me in that way that always gave me goose bumps and made my heart race. When was I ever going to stop hyperventilating around this man? Why are you nervous? he asked slowly. Softly. I stared back at him. You, I admitted finally. Me? Yes, I paused. I dont know, I justIm aware of every little thing when Im around you kind of like Im constantly high anyway, so Ben sucked his teeth, his eyes still barrelling through me. I think you have a crush on me, Gabriela. That made me laugh. Oh, youre just determining that fact now, huh? He smiled. Slowly. Still watching me. No, butI just thought the novelty would have worn off by now. He took a deep drag, holding and then exhaling, ever so slowly. Fuck, he was sexy. Apparently not, he added then. I felt myself flush. Here we are Sally was making her way back onto the porch with a couple mugs, some spoons and some honey. Gabriela, help yourself Ben, let me grab you an ashtray. Thanks Sally Ben called after her as she dashed back inside. I smiled. I sat forward and started to pour some tea for the both of us. Spoiled I teased him, under my breath. Sally reappeared with an ashtray for Ben as I passed him his cup and leaned back on the couch again, taking a small sip of my own. Thanks Sally, this is lovely, I said then. Ben picked up his mug. So wheres Pops? Out back, Sally told him. In the garden. He wants to move the compost bin to the side of the shed.

Right now? Ben gave her a look. You know your father Ben sighed. Awright, Im a go check him. Here, kill this for me. He handed Sally the roach and then turned to me. You good? Ill be back. I smiled. Yeah, of course Sally sighed, smiling to herself as Ben stepped through the front door. Its nice to have Ben come aroundwe dont see him as much as we used to. I thought about that. Bens family seemed amazing to me. I didnt understand why he stayed away myself. Why is that? I decided to ask. Well Sally looked to be debating her answer. Ben had a little falling out with his brother a few years ago and its just put a bit of a strain on the family. I nodded slowly. Yeah, he told me about it. Sally sighed, a little defeated look on her face. But what can I do, right? Theyre grown men, so I nodded. Families can be complicated. I thought about Laz. My mother... Im not close with my brother either. Sally gave me a sympathetic smile. Do you have a big family? I kind of laughed, shaking my head. Noits basically just me and my mom My brother lives in Montreal. I have an aunt in the city too and a few cousins. Sally sighed. Distance always puts a burden on a relationship. I nodded. True. Its not really that, though. Mywellmy mom is sick. She has MS andwell, Im the one that decided to stay and take care of her and my brotherhe just decided to escape instead. I caught myself. Im sorry I shook my head, smiling apologetically. I think Im just a little stressed out. I hated myself for always blurting out my problems like an idiot. The last thing I needed was for Bens family to think I was some pathetic depressed chick with some major chip on her shoulder. My brothers coming for a visit I think its just stirring up some emotions. I needed to shut up. But Sally had a look of genuine concern on her face. How is your mother doing? I took a breath. WellI guess shes been better. Shes in the hospital now. She had a fall andshe broke her hip. Sallys eyes went wide. Oh, Im sorry to hear that, Gabriela. We were both suddenly distracted by a noise on the front walk. Then a familiar voice. Yowwhappen A smile spread across Sallys face as we both saw Ivan heading up the steps of the front porch. Ivan! What a coincidence Hey, whats up He addressed her casually, but I could sense a hint of discomfort in his voice when he saw me. What you doing here so late? Sally wanted to know. Come in, have a seat Ivan sighed. Just passin through He sat down on the chair Ben had been sitting on. Hey Gabriela, he addressed me finally. Hi, I answered politely. Ivan just lives over on Adanac few blocks down. You walking? Sally asked him. He nodded. Just reach home from the parkmy knee been actin up again, thought I walk it off a bit His hand reached down and massaged his left knee absentmindedly. Well Sally was on her feet. Ill go get you a cup for some tea

Nah, its cool, Sally, Ivan tried to wave her off. Im a just rest up my injuries for a minute not staying. But Sally just rolled her eyes. Dont be silly, Ivan. You just sit tight. Be right back. Ivan sucked his teeth as he turned and watched her disappear back inside. I smiled. You have a very hospitable step-mother. Ivan smiled slightly. So what happened to your knee? I wondered. Old soccer injury, he explained. From like ten years back. Twisted it up real bad and it never heal up right. I made a little face. Ouch. I paused. Hey thanks for the weed earlier knocked me right out. Ivan smiled. You gotta go easy on that shit if you aint used to it. He had that same slow, deep pull to his voice that Ben did. Thats true, I agreed. Im not a hard-core pothead or anything. At least not anymore. I used to steal it from my mom back in the day. I smiled, remembering Tony and I stealing from my moms stash to get high when we were teenagers. Ivan raised his eyebrows at me. Why did they both do that? I wondered. So your mama was a pothead? I laughed. Nowell, I guessmedical marijuana. To help with the pain. Ahhh He nodded slowly. So she had a prescription. For what? MS. Did it help? I think so. She said it did. But the bureaucracy and hoops she had to jump through just to get it was more trouble than it was worth, so eventually I just hooked her up with a dealer. Much simpler. And I could take my cut too. I laughed. Ivan looked amused. Smart girl. He paused, watching me. So I guess my brothers here somewhere? Where he at? I smiled. Yes, I think hes in the back yard with your dad. He nodded slowly, then ran his hands down both his thighs, sitting up. I think Im a bounce, Gabriela. Its been fun, as usual, he added casually, just as Sally stepped up behind him with his mug. Sit. Drink. She ordered him back down. Ivan complied reluctantly, taking the tea from her. You know, its funny Sally started, sitting back down on the couch next to me. I dont think I can remember the last time I had you two boys here together at the same time. We should do this more often. She knows just what to say, I thought to myself. Ivan sighed, giving Sally a look. You preachin to the converted, you know that, right? That doesnt matter. One person always needs to offer the olive branchcall the truceso to speak. Ivan sucked his teeth at that. You wastin ya time, Sally. He took a long sip of the tea she had poured him. Teas nice thoughheal me right up. Think I may go run a couple miles tonight. Sally rolled her eyes at him. Wheres Angela? Home, Ivan answered simply.

We heard noises coming from inside the house. I braced myself. And then Ben stepped back out onto the porch. If he was at all surprised to see Ivan, he hid it well. Whassup, Ivan His tone was casual, but dismissive as he stepped around him and dropped down onto the couch next to me. Not much just crashin your party over here, Ivan sighed. There was an awkward silence that followed. You could have sliced the air around us with a knife. I clasped my mug tightly and held my breath. Sally broke the silence. So yall move the compost bin? Wheres your father? she asked Ben. Yeahhes still out back. Dead silence again. OhIvan Sally piped up again, attempting to move the conversation along. We booked the flight. Your father and I. Ivan was still massaging his bad knee. I appreciate it His tone was uneasy. I had a feeling they were talking about the wedding. So Bens voice cut through the silence then. You and Angie gettin married. His eyes were on his brother. I had guessed correctly Ivan met his gaze but stayed silent. So where the wedding at? Ben wanted to know. Ivan hesitated briefly. Half Moon. Bens eyes went wide. He looked to be debating something in his head. So Mom plannin it or what? Ivan nodded slowly. It just goin be real small but she wanted to, so I glanced back over at Ben and noticed something in his expression change. It almost seemed like the idea of his mother helping Ivan plan his wedding didnt sit right with him. He looked like he wanted to say something but instead just sucked his teeth and stayed silent. Ivan was just staring him down. What? he demanded suddenly. Just say what you haffe say, awright? We all adults here His eyes fell on me for a moment. And it not like your girlfriend here dont already have the back-story, so may as well just keep shit real. Ben stared back at Ivan for another moment but kept his mouth shut. And something told me he was holding back because of me. I could sense it. I dont have anything to say, Ivan. Congratulations. Bens words sounded definite. Case closed. Sally let out a deep sigh. Well, there we go. Thats a start. Her voice sliced the tension in the air. Somewhat. But the look on Ivans face was growing more and more irritated. What the fuck is your problem, Benjamin? I flinched slightly and caught my breath. Ivan. Sally was in mediator mode. Nah, yknow what? Ivan wasnt finished though. This is bullshit, you know, Pops is right, and I know he tell you himself this gone on long enough and it affectin more than just you and I, awright? Time for you to just let this shit go already. Ben just sucked his teeth again. I have nothin to let go, Ivan. He kept his tone calm. I told you before we cool. Ivans eyes went wide. Awright, Ben we cool. Right. So then if we cool I can assume you gonna come to my wedding, right?

Ben sucked his teeth at that. A little bitter laugh. You can assume whatever you like. Ben. Sallys voice again. Laced with disappointment. Really? Ben leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Im sorry, I really dont know what yall want me to say. His defense-mode was picking up. Ivan I respect your decision, awright? Your relationship, your wedding whatever the fuck else concerning you and Angela its all good, awright? You want my blessing? Fine. You got it. But thats not what alla you really want He addressed Sally then as well. What alla you really want is for me and Ivan to be what we once was and that the one thing that cant happen. You cant take back what you did. His eyes rested finally back on his brother. Ivan sighed. Yeah, you right. But thats where you missin the point. Am marrying her, Benjamin so why the fuck would I want to take back any of it? He kept his eyes steady. Focused. Sally glanced over at Ben. They love each other very much. Bens gaze shifted back and forth between the two of them again. Now he just looked pissed. Im happy for you, Ivan. And Im happy that your mother finally came around and saw shit your way. Its a beautiful thing Bens eyes focused over on me thenfinally. You ready to go? I took a breath. Iguess so. Ben took me upstairs to check on Sophie, leaving Sally and Ivan out on the porch behind us. He stopped me at the top of the stairs after peaking in on Sophie and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me, giving me a nice, long warm hug. My fingers grazed his back, tightening their grip, inhaling his sweet scent. He pulled back, kissing my forehead tenderly. What was that for? I asked softly. For having to witness all that bullshit downstairs, he said simply, still sounding somewhat irritated, but his voice was soft now. You need another one? I sighed. I think you do. He smiled slightly and wrapped his arms around me once more. Fuck, he felt good. But something was nagging me and had been for a while already. I tightened my grip around him and took a deep breath. Ben, if youre really over Angela then why is it you cant just make up with your brother? I mean, it seems like to me that if you really dont have feelings for her then Ben pulled away slowly while I spoke and now was staring back at me. He was mad now. I could tell. Even though I could also tell he was trying not to show it. Thats what you think? I opened my mouth to respond but Ben just cut me off. Lets go. Am not talkin about this here. Bens parents were both out on the porch speaking softly when we came down to say our goodbyes but Ivan was already gone. Ben kept the farewell short and sweet. When we got back in the car, silence took over again for a good few minutes. I hated it. Why would what I said have affected him so much if it wasnt true? My heart started sinking.

We were stopped at a red light and I saw Ben glance over at me. He hesitated slightly and then spoke. Your place or mine? I shrugged. Doesnt matter. Ben sucked his teeth softly, my change of mood obviously not lost on him either. I hate drama, Gabriela. Im a pretty simple guy. That made me glance over. You accusing me of something? Ben sighed. No. Lookthis isnt about AngelaI mean, it is and it isntits complicated. And I dont see what this has to do with me and you. The past is the past. I gave him a shocked stare. Well, I think if you still have feelings for another woman then it has a lot to do with me and you. We were stopped at a light and Ben turned and met my eyes. He didnt look impressed. I dont have feelings for Angela. We been through all this before too. I bit my lip. I didnt want to make him mad. But I was hurt and I hated how dismissive he was being. So I stayed silent. Ben flipped on the stereo system and some Mavado started blasting from the speakers. Then as we headed up Broadway, Ben made a left turn onto Fraser. My place? I was surprised. Yeah. Your place, Ben said simply. Unless you dont want me to stay. I just shrugged again. Your choice. Ben pulled up in front of my house and shifted into park. He glanced over at me. So my choice? I nodded, staring out through the front windshield. Yup. He let his breath out slowly and then I felt his hand running gently down my thigh and squeezing, ever so lightly. Well, then I wanna stay

Chapter Fifteen Once inside neither of us really said much. I headed straight for the kitchen, clearing up a few dirty dishes from the table and straightening up. I poured myself a glass of water and wandered down the hall. Ben was in the bathroom door open, tap running brushing his teeth. I lingered in the doorway. What are you doing? I asked the obvious, absentmindedly. He eyed me briefly. Using your toothbrush, he mumbled, his mouth full. My mouth dropped open. Seriously? But of course it didnt really bother me at all. I did it secretly all the time at his place. Ben rinsed and spit. Everything he did seemed to turn me on Why you look so surprised? he wanted to know. I catch you all the time, you know I just never say anything. I knew the guilt was plastered all over my face. I like a clean mouth, I said innocently. He gave me a little smile. Thats good. Here you go. He handed me back my toothbrush. All clean for you. Hmm. Thank you. I took the brush from him and moved over to the sink, grabbing the toothpaste. Ben disappeared again so I brushed my teeth quickly, wondering what the fuck was up with him. I was rinsing my mouth when he reappeared behind me in the mirror. He had one of my thick cream-coloured bath towels draped over his shoulder, obviously having just raided the linen closet. He pulled the shower curtain back and turned on the faucet in the tiny tub/shower and began adjusting the water. Youre taking a shower? I asked the obvious yet again. Ben stood up and came up behind me then. I stared back at him through the cracked vanity mirror. It embarrassed me all the time although I tried not to let itthe stark comparison between my home and his. He ran his hand up my back, sending a shiver down my spine. No. Were taking a shower. I stared back at him then, my body seizing up in anxious protest. I cant. Ben raised his eyebrows at me in the mirror, his hands running slowly down my shoulders. Yes, you can. I let my breath out slowly. No, I mean My voice trailed off as I imagined my mother running a bath and downing a handful of pills. I just hate this bathroom. Ben kept rubbing my shoulders, his eyes running all over my reflection in the mirror. Well, we gotta fix that then Ben I started to protest again but my voice trailed off as I watched his hand move up higher and pull at the band holding up my hairand I watched with him as my messy mop of dark curls fell down over my shoulders. A small smile spread across his lips. I like your hair, he said softly, pulling it over across one of my shoulders and then leaning over to kiss my neck. You still mad at me?

I let my breath out, my heart rate quickening under his touch. A little, I admitted. Then I nodded my chin at the running faucet. Ive never done that before. I normally tried to hide my inexperiences with him but sometimes they just came pouring out of me. Bens eyes fixed on mine again. Done what? He gave me a strange look. Take a shower? I rolled my eyes at him. Take a shower with someonewith a guywith anyoneIve never done that. My nerves were definitely showing now. But Ben just let his breath out and stared back at me, his hands running around my waist and pulling me close to him. Then youre in luck I let my breath out slowly. I am? He nodded slowly, staring back at me again as his hands moved around my waist, undoing the belt that was synching my sarong. His eyes fell from my face in the mirror and moved down my body like liquid. He unknotted and unwrapped the fabric slowly until he slid it off me completely. I winced at myself in the mirror, under the horror of the fluorescent lights. I really hadnt thought this one through. Now I was just standing there in my strapless bra and panties. I was thankful the mirror came down only waist high. This is nice Bens voice pulled me from my thoughts. He was cupping my breasts and pushing up gently, extending my cleavage by a mile. He smiled as he continued squeezing softly. Musta been expensive I was confused. What? I asked nervously. He laughed at my expression in the mirror. This bra, he said, still fondling and caressing me through the padded fabric. To hold these upmust be made of steel or somethin Hmmmyoure so funny, Ben. I tried to dismiss it, still wondering how I was going to get out of this whole showering together dilemma he was putting me in, but my body was already responding to his every touch. I wanted him so badly. His hands moved around me again and I felt the tug of his fingers as he released the clasp of my bra and pulled it off me so smoothly. My nipples were so hard and I saw Ben suck his breath in approvingly. You ready? He nodded toward the bath. You want your hair back up? I nodded silently and then watched as Ben reached up and pulled my hair back up in a bun, securing it with the band. He was so tender, so gentle. Then he reached down and pulled his t-shirt up over his head, exposing his gorgeous lean torso, those broad shoulders and flat belly. His shorts hung low on his hips, even with the belt. I felt frozen as I just kept watching him in the mirror as he unclasped his belt and pulled his shorts and boxers off so smoothly. He pushed up behind me again then, this time his hands running over my hips, hooking the waist of my panties with his thumbs and pulling down slowly. You coming? he coaxed me gently. I let my breath out again, glancing back over at the tub. Its so small He pulled my panties down further and I stepped out of them completely. Thats okay, youre allowed to touch me, he assured me softly. Thats kinda the point. I smiled at that and let him pull me into the shower. He had adjusted the temperature perfectly, I noted, as my body became drenched under the warm spray of the water. I tipped my head back, facing the spray, so as not to wet my hair and I felt Bens arms circle around me from

behind. I felt him press up against me. He was already hard and I felt a surge of excitement rush through me. I wondered then if he was really just planning on showering with me Hmmm I moaned softly as I felt his hands reach around and cup my breasts, my nipples tingling under his wet palms. This soaking wet skin-on-skin contact was mesmerizing. That feels good, I admitted softly. You surprised? he wondered, laughing at me softly. I cant believe you never did this before, baby He was teasing me now. I sucked my breath in as Bens hands ran down and squeezed my ass, his fingers digging in and kneading both cheeks. Never had an offer before, I admitted simply. Bens arms ran back around my middle then, pulling me even closer, squeezing so gently as the warm spray of water kept assaulting my front. He kissed the back of my neck, teasing me with his tongue. Can I make you an offer? His voice was low. Soft. Seductive. Yes I whispered back, eagerly. Mmmm I could tell he was enjoying this. OkayIll do you and you do me. Does that work for you? he wanted to know. Umm I turned around in his arms to face him and sucked my breath in slightly as my nipples grazed his ribcage. I found my voice. Havent we already done that? I decided to tease him back. Ben just sucked his teeth at me in that sexy way of his, scolding me with his eyes. You and your dirty mind. Hand me that, he ordered, nodding toward my body wash and loofa hanging from a hook. Yes, sir, I answered back, obeying quickly. He took them from me and quickly deposited a little soap on the sponge and set the bottle back down. Turn around, he ordered again, and so I did as I was told. And then he started to slowly lather me up, starting with my back, my arms, under my arms, over my breasts, my tummy, my bottom sliding the loofa tenderly up between my cheeks, making my whole body tremble. His touch was so sensual. I never knew the simple act of getting washed could be so seductive. He ran the loofa down both my thighs, squeezing tenderly. Hmm He seemed satisfied. Okay, turn around again. I did as he asked and we were once again facing one another. He squeezed a bit more body wash onto the loofa and started all over again, beginning at my neck and moving down slowly, sensually, massaging me with every stroke. Damn I let my breath out as he spent much more time than necessary back over my breasts, squeezing and then circling my nipples with the tips of his fingers. Fuck, that feels nice My whole body was on fire and I was thankful for the warm water that kept soothing my aching skin. Ben was smiling, watching me, enjoying my reaction. You like that? he asked me softly. Fuck, that man always knew exactly what he was doing. He was rubbing my belly, massaging and circling my navel, the soap from the loofa trickling down between my legs. He was teasing me and I knew it. He had purposefully avoided my pussy this whole time. Driving me absolutely crazy. Lift your leg up, baby. His words and that deep hungry voice of his pulled me back in. I did exactly as he asked and pulled my right leg up and rested my foot on the edge of the tub.

Good girl His voice was a whisper as his mouth met mine and began kissing me, and as it deepened I felt the loofa finally press up between my legs, under that skilled hand of his. I broke away from his mouth then, gasping. Oh, shit Mmm Ben let out a little laugh, still teasing me with his lips. You cant control yourself, can you? I was nearly shaking, as Ben kept up the pace between my legs. No I admitted, my voice trembling. Not with you. Baby, Im just washing younot making you come he whispered, tracing my jaw with his tongue. His words sent another surge down between my legs, up against that relentless loofa. Oh fuck, Ben, please just use your fingers I heard myself begging. Hmmno, baby, you cant come yet, he refused me, in that slippery sexy tone of his. And then, to add insult to injury, I felt him pull the loofa back up over my belly. Its my turn now. My eyes went wide as I stared back at him in bewildered frustration. What? But Ben looked absolutely pleased with what he was doing to me. He smiled back at me, amusement dancing in his eyes. Dont look at me like that, baby, youre making this too easy for me. And then he kissed me softly, biting my bottom lip. I let my breath out. Mean It was all I could manage. But Ben seemed to find that amusing as well. Here He handed me the loofa. Time to switch spots, baby. And so I let him ease himself around me until he was directly under the spray and I watched him wet up that beautiful, hard, ripped body of his. I forgot my frustration in a heartbeat in anticipation of being able to run my hands all over his wet naked body. I squeezed the body wash onto the loofa and began just as he did. His back, his arms, chest, belly He had his dreads tied back as well so I had perfect access. He felt amazing under my touch. His muscles seemed to tighten and contract whenever I touched him and it turned me on beyond belief. I ran my arms around his middle with the best intentions to continue to scrub him but the temptation was too much and I ran my hand between his legs. He was hard, throbbing, and I pulled up on him with my soapy hands, unable to stop myself. I gasped, still always so overwhelmed by his size. You like it when I tease you, too? I wanted to know. Hmm Ben sighed, looking down and watching what I was doing. Is that what youre doing? I released him quickly and squeezed the soapy loofa up against his belly, letting the suds drip down between his legs. Okay. Turn around. I was enjoying this. He did as instructed and was once again facing me, the water now beating down on his shoulders. His eyes were on me, penetrating me, waiting. But my eyes just strayed down his gorgeous body, his thick, hard beautiful cock just throbbing for me. Far too much of a distraction. I decided it needed all my attention. I got some more body wash but this time just rubbed it between my hands and began massaging his cock, lathering him up, between his thighs, his balls, through the thick coarse hair and up to his belly. Over and over again. Fuck, he felt good all wet and slippery. It was driving me crazy.

You like it clean, huh? he teased me softly, watching me intently. I smiled. I just like to feel it, I admitted, then met his eyes nervously. I dont know if Im doing it right Ben let his breath out slowly and bit his lip, his eyes falling back down to watch what I was doing. I could tell he was starting to lose some of his composure. He pulled my hand back gently and gripped his cock then, pulling up and stroking it hard, with his big, strong hand, making me gasp. I loved it when he touched himself, it drove me crazy Fuck, even standing up it reached well past his navel when he stroked it. I felt a shiver run up my spine. He pulled my hand back with his other hand and cupped it over his balls, squeezing ever so gently. Just like that, baby he whispered as he kept stroking himself. I massaged him gently over and over again, as the water from the shower head kept streaming down over his body, rinsing the last of the soap away. He was hard, wet and dripping, and I was losing all control. Shit I let my breath out and just fell to my knees, lapping at his balls, slicing my tongue up between them as Ben kept stroking his cock. Fuck He groaned as I lifted my eyes up to meet his. His eyes were blazing. Open your mouth, he ordered softly and I obeyed quickly and wrapped my lips around him tightly as he inched his cock inside my mouth slowlydeeplyhitting the back of my throat and then pulling back and doing it again and again. It was more intense than I ever could have imagined. I was panting for air, gagging, my jaw on fire Oh fuck I gasped, releasing him, the water pouring down off Bens belly and all over my face. Mmm Ben moaned softly, grabbing his cock again and smacking me gently against my open mouth, my wet tongue. You have such a pretty mouththose big eyes of yourslook at me I did as requested and stared up at him hungrily, teasing him with the tip of my tongue. I thought we were just supposed to be washing, I said innocently, circling the head with my tongue. Ben sucked his breath in, rubbing his wet, smooth cock all over my face, teasing my lips over and over. Then why you suckin my dick, baby? he asked me. I smiled back at him. I walked right into that one, didnt I? You just cant control yourself No, I admitted, running my tongue from the base to the head, savouring his enormous length. I love your cock, Ben He loved it when I talked to him. I was catching on quick. Mmm He moaned softly. You just need more practice, thoughyou get sore too fast And with that he slid deep inside my mouth again slowly, stretching my jaw wide, gripping the back of my head. Fuck, he was driving me crazy I kept it up as long as I possibly could and then broke away, gagging, my mouth aching in sweet agony, the water streaming down my face. I was practically drowning. Good girl Ben let his breath out slowly, smacking my tongue a few times again with that smooth delicious head of his. You getting there I smiled sweetly, licking slowly, keeping my eyes firmly glued to his. Thank you. Come on. Get up. Were done? I wondered, completely surprised. Ben smiled, pulling me to my feet. Nonot done. Just done in here. I wet my lips and Ben leaned over and kissed me, soothing my aching lips and mouth with his tongue. I felt it everywhere.

We each took a quick moment to rinse off completely and then Ben cut the water, stepping out first. Wait here, he told me, pulling the curtain back and quickly drying himself with the big towel, then stepping back towards me. Your turn, he said softly, pulling me towards him and then wrapping the towel up around my body. I sighed, staring up at him. I love it when its my turn Ben sucked his teeth at me, lowering his eyes in that irresistible way of his. I spoil you. That made me laugh. What? I thought that was just the way its supposed to be, remember? I teased him back. Yeah, with me, he said simply. Because I spoil you. Lets go. He pulled me out of the bathroom then, leaving all our clothes in a pile where wed dropped them, and took me to my room. He pushed me down onto my unmade bed. Fuck, my room was a mess, I thought, wishing I had remembered to tidy up. Ben kneeled between my legs, draping the fluffy white towel over me like a blanket. I should probably finish drying you off first, he said softly and leaned forward, rubbing that soft damp towel all over my naked body from my shoulders down over my breasts, to my belly, and then finally rubbing me up between my legs, teasing me beyond belief. All dry? he asked softly, his eyes on fire again. I let my breath out. No, Im just getting wetter, I admitted simply. Ben smiled and then peeled the towel back gently, exposing my breasts. Okay, Ill take care of that he assured me, squeezing my breast gently, holding it in his big hand and then leaning over to suck on my nipple. You sure about that? I gasped, feeling the sensation start to build under the heat of his tongue. Since you refused me in the shower and all, I kinda have my doubts Ben looked up at me then, still circling my nipple with his gorgeous tongue. Fuck, that man was sexy I didnt refuse you, he said softly. I was just pacing you. I winced as he tugged on my nipple ever so lightly with his teeth. Pacing me for what? You planning some marathon sex with me or something? The thought made my blood rush. Ben just released my nipple and took hold of my other breast, repeating the process. You couldnt handle that, he replied simply. My eyes shot open in mock fury. Oh really? Why the fuck not? I moaned softly, Bens tongue still running relentlessly all over my breasts. He had an amused glint in his eye as he looked up at me again. You come too fast. I bit my lip, hesitating, letting his words sink in for a moment. Whose fault is that? I whispered softly, my nipple twitching and tingling as he sucked me. Its my fault, he admitted easily as he brought his face up to mine, kissing my lips ever so lightly. Thats why I need to pace you, baby. You mean tease me, I corrected him. His mouth was on my neck, trailing little kisses up to my ear. Same thing, he whispered. I smiled, running my hand around the back of his neck, over his smooth hard shoulders. Its kinda funny, though Ben lifted his face, eyeing me suspiciously.

Wellif you think about ita man complaining that his girl comes too much you dont hear that shit every day I couldnt help a little laugh. Ben smiled back at me, amused as well. I didnt say come too much, I said too fast. And I wasnt complaining He reached down between us and pulled the towel away, his hand slipping down between my legs. I let my breath out slowly as his fingers grazed my pussy, ever so lightly, back and forth. That feels nice, I whispered. Sorry, I should have shaved, I added, apologizing for my stubble. I was such an idiot at times But Ben just smiled at that, his eyes moving like liquid down over my body. I was grateful for the semi-darkness. Yeah, youre such a cave-woman, he teased me back, leaning in to kiss my belly. What were you thinking? I gasped as I felt his finger dip inside me. Hmmjust giving you a dose of reality, I guess Thats sexy he whispered against my tummy, pulling his finger out slowly and sliding it up over my clit. What is? I breathed softly. A real woman, he said simply, pushing my thighs apart and lifting himself back up on his knees. I caught my breath as I looked up at him, as he stared down at me hungrily. He smacked my pussy lightly with the palm of his hand and then slid two fingers inside me. I moaned deeply. Shit, baby. He groaned softly. I could sense something stirring in him and then suddenly, without warning, he just spread my lips open with both his hands and leaned over and spit on my pussy, his warm saliva seeping down inside me. My mouth shot open in shock. That had to have been the nastiest, dirtiest thing Ben or any man for that matter had ever done to me and for some reason it turned me on in the most intense way. I felt my whole body convulse. And then, just as fluidly, his one hand took over again, his two fingers sliding back inside me as his thumb began to massage my clit. I was soaking wet, a mixture of him and me, melting together. I was in fucking heaven. He leaned back over me, latching onto my nipple with his mouth, his hand working miracles on my pussy. Oh shit, Ben I was moaning uncontrollably. He lifted his eyes, penetrating me so deeply. His thumb was moving faster now. You like that? I had no words. I just stared back at him in desperate, agonizing pleasure. How the fuck did he know how to do these things? I arched my back, pressing my head back against my pillow, writhing under those fingertips of his. Dont close your eyes look at me, Ben said suddenly, the control in his voice assaulting all my senses, so I obeyed quickly. Good girl. Now grab my dick, baby The steadiness and commanding tone to his voice was sending me into a tailspin. Ben was on his knees, straddling one of my thighs and bracing himself with his free arm, giving me perfect access. I reached out and pulled up on him, his throbbing mass as hard as ever Mmmthats it, baby, he assured me, his fingers still working wonders between my legs. I was so wetachingly...dripping wet.

I reached my hand up further and cupped his balls, his cock weighing heavily down on the entire length of my forearm. Shit, he was big. You like that? Ben sliced his tongue up across my nipple, looking up at me. Im gonna fuck that pretty mouth of yours right after you come, you ready for that? Oh shit, what was he doing to me? I gasped and bit my lip, just as Ben narrowed his eyes, staring down at my mouth. Oh fuck, you turn me on The words escaped his lips just a second before his mouth covered mine and his tongue melted against my own. And in that moment I felt it start. The feeling started to build up inside me amazingly slowly, my orgasm rising like a crescendo until it came crashing loudly all around me, as I moaned, gasping for air, breaking away from his kiss, his fingers keeping up with me perfectly the whole way. Mmmthats my girl Ben whispered so softly as his kisses fell across my chin, tracing my jaw. I was still shaking as Ben eased his fingers out of me and began running the palm of his hand all over my pussy, rubbing my juices all over my skin like lotion. Fuck He eased himself up and peered down at me, obviously just as taken with my wetness as I was. He sat up slowly and pulled his other arm around my thigh, squeezing and spreading me open from behind as his soaking wet fingers began massaging my wetness all over my ass, teasing my opening with the tip of his finger. I moaned, the sensation just too much for me. Oh fuck, Ben Mmm He smacked my bottom lightly with the palm of his wet hand. Now thats a wet pussy, baby, he teased me softly. Youre welcome. I smiled back at him, unable to suppress my laugh. Ben, youre sobad, I finished, at a complete loss for words. Bad? He raised his eyebrows at me. I caught my breath again, licking my lips as I stared back at him. Well, not that kinda bad He braced himself on his arm as his wet fingers started sliding up my belly slowly, squeezing my breasts, tracing my nipple and trailing up my neck. What kinda bad? he wanted to know, as he parted my lips with his fingers and then slid them both into mouth so fluidly. I gasped, tasting myself all over his fingers. This kinda bad, I mumbled, letting Bens fingers circle the inside of my mouth and massage my tongue. He smiled, watching me try to talk with my mouth full. So I guess this is your kinky side, huh? The big mystery? I teased him then, biting down on his fingers gently. No, baby, not even close, he whispered, as he kept staring down at my mouth and then traced my lips with his wet fingers. This is just your appetizer Oh I felt my body start to heat up all over again. For what? Hmm He didnt take his eyes off me as he lifted himself back up on his knees, still fucking my mouth slowly with those expert fingers of his. The main course he whispered softly, lifting his leg up across my chest, bending his knee as he lowered his huge, beautiful cock down over my face. He slid his fingers out and grabbed hold of himself, continuing to tease my lips with the head. If you do it right, baby, Ill let you have dessert I moaned, gasping, his words sending a shock through all my senses. He spread my lips and slid deep inside my mouth, gagging me in the back of my throat almost immediately, but he

pulled back gently just in time and kept going so slowly, as I tried to accustom myself to his size and his gentle thrusting. Ahhfuck He smacked my open mouth and then slowly slid back inside my mouth, as he stroked my hair back and dug his fingers into my curls, supporting the back of my head. I stared up at him, waiting, holding my breath as he kept hitting the back of my throat. Mmmthats right, baby, keep those big eyes on me His words were driving me into a silent, yet inwardly roaring trance. I loved watching him and that gorgeous smooth hard body just staring down at me, as he slid in and out of my mouth at such a slow and steady pace, just drinking me in with his eyes. I lifted my head and started to suck him harder, and Ben sucked his breath in. No, no, baby He eased my head back down. Just stay still, dont movejust let me fuck you I did as he asked and eventually I realized why. He was going easy on me. He didnt want me going sore on him too quickly. He was enjoying this too much, and the more he kept going, the more I needed it too. The way he stared down at me made my insides just drip and ache for him. I gasped suddenly, needing desperately to catch my breath. My mouth broke free, dripping wet. I was panting. Ben quickly grabbed hold of himself, smacking my lips lightly with the head. Pretty, pretty girl He stroked my hair back as I stared back up at him, meeting his burning gaze. You okay, baby? Yes, I gasped again, quickly recovering myself, and Ben smiled at my eagerness as I slowly let him back into my mouth, starting his gentle rhythm all over again Ahhfuck Ben groaned as he hit the back of my throat. Thats it, baby, stick your tongue out He was driving me crazy, the way he was enjoying it. I was speechless, he had me in such a deep trance. My pussy was dripping again and my jaw was aching in a way that for some reason felt so incredibly good so full. I wanted to come. Shit I panted, my mouth breaking free, and I ran my tongue up and down his length, licking his balls, staring up at his hungry eyes as I desperately tried to soothe my throbbing mouth. Mmm Ben grabbed a hold of himself, stroking himself and smacking my tongue as I rested. I want to come in your mouth. His voice was soft but oh-so-serious. His thumb grazed my bottom lip, tugging gently, opening my mouth back up for him. He obviously wasnt going to let me rest for long. Ythink you can keep up with me, Gabriela? I moaned as he filled me back up again, thrusting harder now. Fuck, I needed to come. I closed my lips, sucking hard, as my fingers strayed down over my belly and between my legs. I found my clit and it was heaven. I caught my breath. Oh fuck, that feels so good I moaned. OhhBenIm gonna come I shuddered, lapping at his cock. Fuck, I was losing my mind. Shit Ben was staring down at me and then glanced back and saw what I was doing. Mmm He smacked his cock against my mouth. Now whos bein bad, babyopen your mouth, he ordered. I did as he asked and just as I felt him slide deep into my mouth I felt myself losing control. I was coming. The build-up was excruciatingly long. I was moaning beyond control and Ben could feel it, and he just pushed deeper and deeper into me, attacking my throat, gagging me, as I shook and trembled and fell over the edge.

Thats it, baby, he whispered, his breathing picking up. Hold it, baby, just like that hold it He grabbed the back of my head as he poured himself into me. He held his breath as he came and only after I swallowed him all up and began running my tongue back up the length of him, did he let out a soft moan, still watching my every move, my eyes glued tightly to his. He let his breath out first, as he bit his bottom lip and grabbed his cock, pulling out of my mouth inch by inch, watching the long journey with some new form of fascination, as a slow smile started to grow on his face. Beautiful He almost sounded in awe. I smiled back at him. That was hot, I whispered softly. Ben pulled his leg back over my chest and lowered his mouth to mine. More than hot he mumbled so softly as his lips took their turn with my mouth, soothing all those aching muscles with his warm, soft wet tongue. He tugged on my bottom lip, releasing my mouth, and then collapsed on his side next to me. He ran his hand up under my breast as he propped his head on his arm. You got mad skills, baby, you just need a little encouragement, he teased me, then sighed softly, his eyes still all over me. Fuck he groaned again. I laughed softly. Thats so romantic. He sucked his teeth. Romantic he sneered back. Min noh know bout any a dat That sexy accent. I sighed, staring back at him. Liar. Ben reached out and stroked my hair back, kissing me again softly. Youre so fucking sweethopefully you let me get some sleep tonight. Oh come on I smiled. When have I ever kept you from your sleep? Ben narrowed his eyes at me as he curled a lock of my hair around his finger. That a serious question? I sighed, trailing my fingers down his shoulder, over his beautifully toned arm. Ill let you sleep. We dont have to fuck, its okay He laughed softly. Ill remember that, he teased me in his sexy, sleepy voice. Next time no fancy foreplay for youIll just bang the shit outta your pussy and pass out I smiled, licking my lips deliberately. That sounds nice, I whispered sweetly. Mmmstop it, he warned me. Im gonna pass out now soset your alarm for seventhirty. I left my phone in the kitchen. And just like that he rolled over and pulled the pillow up between his arm and his head, making himself comfortable. I smiled to myself, cuddling up next to his warm, strong body. He always fell asleep so easily in my bed, just as if he was in his own. He was at home with me, and I loved every bit of it.

Chapter Sixteen When I awoke a few hours later I felt the most intense pressing on my bladder, and then I remembered the bottles and bottles of water Id been drinking out in the heat at the festival, and I needed to go bad. I jumped up out of bed, turning and seeing Ben still fast asleep there next to me. It was a sight I would never grow tired of. I scrambled into the bathroom just in time and once I finished I wrapped myself back up in my sarong, which was still crumpled up on the bathroom floor, along with my bra and panties and all of Bens clothes. I gathered everything up and brought them into the bedroom, laying out Bens clothes for him on top of one of my clean laundry baskets, before wandering back down the hall to the kitchen for another glass of water. The time on the microwave read 4 am. I smiled to myself realizing I had at least three more hours to cuddle up next to my man before the festival in the park dragged him away from me for another long day. There was a buzzing coming from the electrical socket where my coffee maker was plugged in. Bens phone was lying on the counter, the charger plugged into the wall. Then silence. It was obviously just a reminder message, not a phone call Then again, it could have also been a text message. I took a long sip of my water, still just staring at his phone. I couldnt. Just go back to bed, Gabriela. But I stayed put. I didnt move. And another moment or so later I was next to Bens blackberry and picking it up. I knew it was wrong. My head was shouting out for me to stop, but that tiny little nagging voice in the back of my head that kept trying to convince me I wasnt good enough for Ben, was getting stronger and stronger. I turned on the phone. One new text message. Sent at half past midnight. I opened it. Amira popped up on the screen. Who the fuck was Amira? My fingers were shaking as I opened the message. <Well I guess I should pop by next week, cuz you obviously got something to tell me. Anyway it was still nice to see you today Ben looking fine as always. Even if you were preoccupied with some other chick all day long. Big girl too. I guess it was a mistake for me to take all those Pilates classes this winter. Haha> I swallowed hard. What? My mind was desperately racing trying to process what I had read. But instead I checked the text history. 12:35 pm, Amira <Nice seeing you again B. Been awhile> 1:20 pm, Ben <You too. You lookin good. How you been?> 1:25 pm, Amira <Aww. Arent you sweet. Am good. You gonna be here all day?> 1:35 pm, Ben <Yup. What about you?> 1:39 pm, Amira <That depends. You gonna have some time to chill later?> 1:56 pm, Ben <Probably not> 2:02 pm, Amira <Aww. You gonna be slaving over that grill all day then?> 2:25 pm, Ben <No but I got family shit goin on later. Nice seeing you today though> 2:29 pm, Amira <Wow. Blow off> 3:01 pm, Ben <You know it aint like that. Im busy thats all. But sorry>

3:13 pm, Amira <I havent seen you in forever. What happened? I miss you> 3:37 pm, Ben <Well talk. Come by the restaurant some time next week> 3:47 pm, Amira <As I stated earlier. BLOW OFF> 4:36 pm, Amira <Whos that chick you with?> 5:12 pm, Ben <None of your business> 5:17 pm, Amira <WTF?> 5:32 pm, Ben <I will call you next week. Calm the fuck down. And go have some fun. I think I saw Theo by the gates about 5 mins ago. You know he likes you> 5:40 pm, Amira <Fuck Theo. And his 9 inchpecs> 5:49 pm, Ben <LOL. Funny. I miss you too. I guess I do owe you a drink> 6:01 pm, Amira <No shit. Who is that girl though? Seriously. Dont lie to me> 6:22 pm, Ben <A girl I like> 6:25 pm, Amira <Oh. Ok> There was no other reply from Ben. Just the new text from her after midnight. My head was spinning. There were seven other contacts on his text history from that day. I scanned through them. Patrick. Lena. Me. Johnny his sous chef. And three other female names I didnt recognize. I opened them all one by one. 4:58 pm, Melissa <Hey you handsome. I waited in line for twenty minutes and you werent even there anymore> No reply from Ben. 5:47 pm, Julia <Hey mister. Long time no see. That was me in red. I saw you looking> No reply from Ben. 6:12 pm, Amanda <Stop staring and just come say hi already> No reply from Ben. What are you doing? I jumped and practically dropped the phone. Shit. I turned to face him suddenly. You scared me. My face fell and I got an aching pain in the pit of my stomach as I noticed Bens eyes scanning over me and his blackberry which I had just dropped back onto the counter and back to me. Slowly. Deliberately. He didnt say anything. Ben, Im sorry I found my voice. I justI heard it buzz. You have a text. I should have justyou know My voice trailed off as Ben made his way over to me, picked up his phone and scanned the screen for a moment. He sucked his teeth softly, clicking his phone back off. Why you goin through my phone, Gabriela? His voice was soft. Calm. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I hated myself. Im But I didnt know what to say. Ben sat down on one of the kitchen chairs, wearing only his boxers. How the hell hadnt I heard him get up? He looked up at me then, leaning back, resting his arm on the kitchen table. Why dont you trust me? He was still so fucking calm. I swallowed, forcing myself to meet his eyes. I never said I didnt trust you, I mumbled pathetically. Ben sucked his teeth at that. Come on nowyou goin through my phonebut you trust me?

Ben, Im I racked my brain, telling myself not to panic. Im probably just sleepwalking or something. Either way Im not thinking straight. I shouldnt have done that. Sleepwalking? I was an idiot Gabriela, dont fuck with me, okay? Am not stupid. He was still calm. Unbelievably. I sighed. I took a deep breath. My heart was racing so fast I started to feel faint. I guess I was justcurious. Pathetic. About what? You. Me, he repeated. So? I swallowed again. What? Did you find what you were looking for? Oh fuck, he was pissed. And rightly so. Why was he still so fucking calm? I wasnt looking for anything, Ben. He just stared back at me for a moment. Awright, fuck it He ran his hands down his thighs, the impatience wearing on him now. If you aint gonna be straight with me then theres no point having this conversation He moved to get up but I cut him off. Okay look. Ben. Im sorry. I heard your phone buzz and II guess I was curious why someone was texting you in the middle of the night. There. I said it. He nodded slowly. Okay, so ask me. Ask you what? What you wanna ask me, he repeated. About my text messages. Its none of my business, I mumbled. Bens eyes went wide at that. I could tell he was getting angrier and it was killing me. You right its none of your business, Gabby. But you made it your business by going through my phone, so just ask me what you wanna ask me. I froze. The calmness in his voice was starting to wear thin. Ben knew how to control himself. He was much angrier than his tone was suggesting. Maybe we should talk about this later. I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I was suddenly way too scared to continue the conversation. Why the fuck would I want to talk about this later? I dont know My mind was scrambling. Maybe so you can calm down a bit. Now I was in defense-mode. I was just making this worse and worse His eyes went wide again as he stared back at me. You a real piece of work fi real. His words were slow. Deliberate. Painful. You really telling me to calm down? I ran my hands over my face then, waitingthinking. I felt like I may throw up. Finally I pulled them back, slowly. Reluctantly. Can we just go back to bed, Ben? But Ben just sucked his teeth. Im goin home Shit. No. This was real bad. No, I said quickly, as he started to get up. Ben, dont go. Youre right. Lets just talk about this. He dropped back down onto his chair staring me down. Not speaking. Okay I sank down onto a chair opposite him and pulled one of my feet up under my thigh. I took a deep breath. Who is Amira? Ben kept his eyes on me. Shes a friend of mine. I nodded slowly. I never heard about her before.

Ben sighed. I think there are a lot of friends I have that you havent heard about before, Gabby Yeah, but I stopped. What about Melissa? Julia? I racked my brain. Amanda? Bens gaze didnt shift off mine and his expression didnt change. Theyre all girls I know that see me today at the festival. Girls you know I repeated, stressing the word. Girls I used to fuck. Ben decided to clarify it for me. Oh. My heart sank. Ben watched me for another moment, not saying anything. You know, Ive been single for a long time, he said then. There are girls I dont talk to or see anymore since I met you so I guess when they saw me today they decide to say whats up Okay I said softly, taking in his words. But you still talk to Amira. Ben sighed. Yeah, becausewere friends, thats different. Did you used to fuck her too? I had to ask. Sometimes, he admitted. Oh. Crash. But we were tighter than that. It wasnt just about sex. Oh. You mean, like a girlfriend. No. Just friends. Friends with benefits. I hated that fucking expression. Ben sighed. I guesssomething like that. I nodded slowly. Soif youre friends then that means you still My voice trailed off. When you hang out, that means you still I couldnt even say it. Bens eyes hadnt shifted. They were still glued to mine. Are you really fucking asking me that, Gabby? Yes. I am. Ben nodded slowly. Okayso assuming Ive even hung out with Amira in the time that Ive known you, Gabby, do you really think I have any time to fuck anyone besides you right now? He paused for effect. Be honest. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. I dont know anything, Ben His eyes went wide as he stared back at me. You dont know anything? Really? He paused, still staring me down. You dont know anything about me? I cant believe Im even listening to this shit right now I dont mean it like that, I justokay, so you havent seen her or fucked her. I believe you. I took a breath. But she doesnt know about me. Hasnt come up. I see Ben paused, thinking. I havent seen her in a very long time, Gabby, like weeks before I met you.its not really something I feel like bringing up in a text message. I stayed silent. Weve been friends for a long time. Since right after Angela and I split. And I know she always wanted more from me so its not really the easiest conversation to have He paused for a moment. When you consider the fact that I spent years telling her Im not ready to be in a relationship, that I cant handle commitment and I certainly cant be her boyfriend, how do you think she would take the news? SonoI never told her about you. I met his gaze. Why didnt you want more too?

I just didnt. I hesitated. But you care about her. He nodded. Of course I do. I waited, thinking. Anything else? His voice was softer now, but it didnt fool me. He was still mad. I took a deep breath. Why did you keep fucking a girl that you had no real interest in even though you knew she liked you? Why would you lead her on like that? Bens eyes went wide as I spoke. I could tell he hadnt expected that question. He thought for a moment, obviously debating his answer, and so I waited. Well? I wondered, breaking the silence. Ben sighed. I dont know, Gabby. She helped me through some difficult shit we were friends, I enjoyed her company I dont know why. Sometimes it just happened. Im a man, shes a woman fuck, its not that complicated. I could tell the third degree was starting to wear on him now. But I just couldnt stop. But she had feelings for you, Benare you saying you been stringing a girl along for nearly three years that you know is in love with you just because you happen to enjoy her company? Ben looked at me. Where is this coming from? I dont know. Experience. He eyed me closely. You? Of course me, I said simply. I have a lot of experience with men who think Im loads of fun but undateable. I know how it feels. Ben watched me in silence. SoI guess maybe thats why I looked through your phone, I admitted softly. Im still trying to figure out where I standwith you. With me? Ben repeated, still not taking his eyes off me. You go through my phone to try to figure out how I feel about you? I let my breath out. I guess so. Did it work? I shook my head slowly. No, not really. All I can tell is that you have a hell of a lot of women throwing themselves at you at every turn and Ive obviously been monopolizing your time. Ben rested his head on his hand. That doesnt tell you anything? I sighed. You enjoy my company. I shrugged. But then again, you said the same thing about Amira, so how am I any different? Ben sucked his teeth, but didnt say anything. You told me you dont have time for a girlfriendyet you spend all your time with me, I said then. But I dont know what we are. And it scares me because I have such strong feelings for you. Im scared of being hurt, Ben. I dont want you to do to me what you did to her, but when you talk about her, it just feels like My voice trailed off. I couldnt finish. I just shook my head, my eyes resting on the table in front of me. Ben didnt say anything right away, but I could sense his eyes on me, so I waited. You want to know how youre different His voice pulled me from my thoughts and I lifted my eyes to meet his. I nodded. Yes. I dont know how youre different, he admitted softly. I dont know how anyone is different sometimes you just feel something and sometimes you dont. I dont have any

answers for you about that. All I know is that I reallytrulyhonestly care a lot about you, Gabriela. I really do, he stressed it again. But youre right. I am scared of getting too involved right nowI been doin things a certain way for a long time now and things been working out pretty good for me. Im happy on my own I swallowed. I could feel it coming. I had already been holding back a deadly rush of tears for a while and the pain was unbearable. That piercing fear. Okay. I let my breath out. Im sorryits okay I ran my fingers through my hair and stood up suddenly. Wait I felt a gentle tug on the hem of my sarong as I went to move past him. I froze. Ben looked up at me, forcing me to meet his gaze. You know every day I wake up I still want to see youand be with youand talk to you and make you laughI love spending time with you, Gabby I felt the tears rimming my eyes. I hated breaking down. So Im just going with it, really Ben kept going. I havent really thought too much about what it means because that shit really scares me for real. Bens voice was gentler now. And one of the main reasons it scares me so much is cause of the shit you pulled tonight with my phoneI mean, if I cant trust you and you dont trust me then what the hell am I doin all this for? If you think Im just lying to you and playin you every minute of the day, then why should I even waste my time falling for some girl who dont even know what kinda person I am? It makes no fucking sense. I wiped my eyes, nodding. I know. I agree with you. Ben stared back at me for a moment, thinking to himself. I know you havent really told me much about guys you been with in the past and everythingand I havent really asked you much either, and I dont knowmaybe it would help me understand where you coming from a bit more but I just dont wanna hear about guys hurting you like that, it justbreaks my heart. I blinked a tear away. Felt it roll down my cheek as Ben kept watching me. For real, Gabriela. You mean a lot to me. I nodded again, wiping more tears. Ben slowly stood up so he was facing me. He reached out and held my face between his hands, pulling my forehead to his lips. I sucked my breath in, my fingers grazing his bare hips. Im such an idiot, I whispered against his neck. Bens fingers were pushing my hair back. Yes, you are, he agreed easily. I laughed softly. Im sorry. I know, baby. He took my hand and led me back to bed. What the hell were you thinking, girl? Tony and I were grabbing an ice cream on Davie Street, about to take a walk on the beach at English Bay. Ben was back at the festival all day again and when hed left that morning he told me to text him as soon as I got word back about the apartment. Id left a message with the property manager, but I was doubtful I would hear back any time soon, since it was a Sunday.

I dont know why I did it, to be honest, I sighed. Well, yeah, I do, but My voice trailed off. I had just finished telling Tony all about my idiotic move going through Bens blackberry. Yeah, you know exactly why you did it, Tony agreed with me. You did it cause you want to know if hes messin around on you. Tony, whens he gonna mess around on me? I challenged him. Were together all the time unless hes working more or less. Bens point had definitely had some validity. Tony eyed me. Who you trying to convince here, Gabby? Plus, hes hot, he said, taking his cone from the girl behind the counter. If hes not messin around on you then hes obviously battin away bitches left, right and center. First, I shot back as I took my cone and noticed our servers eyes go wide at Tonys dirty mouth, we aint all bitchesand second My mind was doing over-time again. Why you always gotta put shit like that in my head? Yeah, hes hot. Hes too hot. I see the way women drool over him everywhere he goes, its not fuckin normal, Tony Tony sighed. Yeah, so basically youre saying to yourself, what the fuck is he doing with me? I get it, girl, believe me. I gave him a look. Gee, thanks Tony. Guys are all the same, Gabby, it dont matter gay, straight, whateverits all about the physicalyoure always worried someone hotter, sexier, prettier is waitin around the corner and youre gonna miss out This is supposed to make me feel better how again? I wanted to know. Well, what did you say those skanks were textin Ben about yesterday? They kept mentioning how they knew he was watching them or whatever, so bottom line is, yes he noticed them. For a dude the problem isnt noticing another hot dude or woman, I guess that aint gonna make him cheat, its about how he feels for the one hes with. So just like you said, if chicks are throwing themselves at him and hes ignoring them because of you its not because they aint hot enough, its because you got something he wants more. I let my breath out, letting his words sink in. Like what? I was so confused. Tony raised his eyebrows. I dont know, girl, thats what you gotta figure out. I aint Oprah. We sat down on one of the logs on the sand, staring out at the ocean. It was a beautiful day again hot and sunny. Really, though Tony was thinking out loud again. Even if he was screwin around, Gabby, Id still keep him. I mean, what he offered to do for you and your moms is huge I groaned. Hes not screwing aroundand yes, its huge. I just wish Laz would step up. I told him the situation, you know, about the house, and he didnt really say anything. I think What? Tony wondered. Well, I know what he wants to do. The same thing hes wanted for years, he just wants to cart her off to some nursing home, like some senile, old bat, Tony I shuddered again at the thought. My mother is forty-nine years old! Tony sighed. I know, Gabby.

I reached in my bag for my cigarettes. Oh I didnt tell you, I said then absentmindedly. He texted me this morning. His flight is booked. Hell be here on Wednesday. Tonys eyes went wide. For real? Yup. Its kinda surreal actually. Im gonna tell my mom when I see her later. YeahIm like having heart palpitations as we speak Tony was practically hyperventilating. I used to have the hugest crush on your brother. I laughed. I know. You know? I rolled my eyes. Of course I knowI knew back then! Its the only reason we became friends, you idiot We were both laughing. Actually, I nudged his arm. I had the hugest crush on you back then. Now that I had never told him. So I didnt care that you were actually only hanging out with me to get to my brother cause all that time I was just workin all my magic to turn you straight I smiled to myself at the memory. Awwthats sweet, Gabby. Tony put his arm around me, pulling me close. Your magic didnt work. I hit his knee, laughing. Thats okayeventually, though, I was just glad you didnt trade me in for a hotter best friend. I glanced up at him. Thank you for that. Tony sucked his teeth and pushed me off him. Shut the fuck up with that shit, Gabby you and your stupid-ass, self-hating attitude. Youre the most beautiful woman I know. Oh please I rolled my eyes. Really. Tony had a serious look on his face. Youre hot enough for him, Gabriela. Youre worth it. We locked eyes and I knew what he was getting at. You just have to start believing that. My mom and I liked to play Scrabble. Wed been playing ever since I started seventh grade. It was the one thing I figured I could teach her to speak English. Laz was always off with his friends and never home anyway, and by the time I was thirteen my mom had pretty much taken to just staying home. On top of the depression, her illness made her extremely self-conscious for a woman who had grown up placing almost all her value on her physical appearance. I remember staring at pictures of her as a teenager, on the beaches of Rio in her bikini, wondering who the fuck that girl even was. I would stare down at my rolls of fat as a kid and wonder why God would curse both of us So for some reason, staying home with my mom just felt like the right thing to do. By the time I was seventeen, wed turned our before-bed Scrabble matches into all evening-long affairs complete with a bottle or two or three of red wine. Tony was always so shocked that I would get drunk with my mom and I always just shrugged it off as a cultural difference. And to me, drinks around the dining room table seemed far tamer than the parties and clubs my friends rarely succeeded in dragging me to. My mom loved to talk about her teenage years her life before her illness maybe in a way to prove that it had actually happened, and so, because of that, we talked about boys all the time. Her stories always horrified and fascinated me at the same time. Basically, by my nun-like

standards considering I had never even been kissed my mom had been a bit of a slut. But the best thing about her openness with me was that I was never afraid to tell her anything. And so, over our sober Scrabble match that afternoon, I finally told her everything about Ben aside from any sexual details, as that gene had definitely skipped a generation. I also kept his financial offer to myself. She would have hit the roof if she knew. I want to meet him. Her voice startled me, after an intense silence, focusing on our plays. Ben? I looked up. Yes. You havent had anything bad to say about him that doesnt seem right. I smiled. Maybe thats why it is right. I frowned down at my letters. It always confused me playing in English while trying to speak and think in Portuguese. Thats ridiculous. My mother rolled her eyes at me. Love is blind, Gabriela. Worse than that it can make you very stupid too. I glared at her. Why cant you just be happy for me? Is that so hard? She sighed. Fine. She gave me a resigned look. You know best. I stared back at her. What is it now? Youve been in a bad mood since I got here. Theyre releasing me. I said I wanted to tell you myself. What? I wasnt prepared for this. When? A few days. Maybe a week. My mind was racing. UmmmIm looking for another apartment, I dont know if Teresa told you. She just nodded slowly. Ill have it all figured out dont worry, Mama. Anyway I took a deep breath. I have a surprise. She glanced up at me, eyeing me suspiciously. Lazaro will be here on Wednesday. I waited, watching my words register on my mothers face. Why? Why? I repeated, not understanding. Mama, Lazaro hasnt been home in years! Hes coming to see us, thats why The look on her face didnt change. I kept waiting for her speak, to say something, but she didnt. And eventually she just shook her head slowly and started to cry.

Chapter Seventeen I hadnt heard from Ben all day. By the time I got home it was nearly 8 pm and I knew the festival would be winding down. I texted him as soon as I collapsed in the living room and switched on the television. An hour or so later he still hadnt replied so I decided to call. He picked up on the fourth ring. Hey. I rolled my eyes at his abrupt greeting. Heywhats up? How is everything? I heard him let his breath out deeply. Im tired, he said simply. Got your text, I just had some shit going on, sorry Its okayso what time you there till? Were packing up now I smiled. Need a back rub? I offered. I heard him let out a little laugh. You good at that? he asked me. I thought. I would assume so yes. Im sure its not that difficult Hmm He sighed softly. Well I guess Ill have to take you up on that then My heart rate quickened. I missed him. I needed him. I wanted him so badly I could screamand yet, Id only said goodbye to him that morning. This was too much But I think Im just gonna crash tonight, baby. Oh. My heart sank. Okay. How is your mom? His concern made me feel a bit better. Shes okay, I guess. She said she wants to meet you. Shit. I bit my tongue. Probably not the best time to bring that one up He paused briefly. Wowokay We can figure that all out another time, I said quickly, cutting him off. I heard some noises in the background then. Voices. Someone was talking to him and he became distracted for a moment. No, just move em to the back so we can get the grill up Ben was talking now. Awrightcool Slight pause again. Baby, I gotta go, he told me then. I sighed. I know, its okay. Dont work too hard Ill call you later. Bye I let my breath out and put my phone away. The sound of my phone buzzing on the coffee table jolted me awake. Id passed out in front of the TV. What time was it? I grabbed my phone and sat up slowly, trying to focus. 11:45 pm. I checked the text. Tasha? What was she texting me for at this hour? <Hey girl wsup? You here at Jam Hall too? If so where you at?> Jamaica Hall? What? I was lost. I hit reply. <No, Im not there. Why? Whats going on?> My phone buzzed a minute later. <Festival after-party. This place is hopping girl. Saw your man here so thought maybe you were too.>

My heart sank. Ben? My head was spinning. I thought Ben was tired and was going home to bedor so he had said I hit reply. <I didnt know Ben was there. Did you talk to him? You sure it wasnt his brother?> I set my phone down. I started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. My phone buzzed. <No I havent talked to him. And as a black woman I am uniquely capable of telling the difference between two different black men even if they are brothers. LOL> I sighed, unable to find any humour in her joke. <Okay. Well have fun> I was not in the mood for any more idle texting. I grabbed my phone and headed for the bathroom. As I peed and brushed my teeth I couldnt help remembering what had gone on in that room the previous night. Ben had been right. I did hate this bathroom a little less now I was choking up at the thought of him lying to me. Why? I couldnt wrap my head around it. I fought the urge to text or call him. I just needed to sleep. I had to work in the morning. I had to find an apartment to move into in less than a week. The impossibility of all this shit was wearing me out And why would Ben have offered what he did if he didnt care about me? There was a perfectly logical explanation for everything. There had to be. So as I got into bed I made sure to rest my phone on my night table right next to me. I put the ringer back on and desperately tried to will myself to sleep, at the same time trying to will my phone to ring. My eyes sprang open with a start as my phone finally sounded. I grabbed it quickly and checked the time. 2:30 am. It was Ben. My heart started pounding furiously as I opened the message. <Hey you awake?> That was it? I stared at the screen for a good minute brooding. Then I just shut it off and rolled over and went back to sleep. The work morning dragged. I tried to focus but my head was not cooperating. Id heard back from the property manager. The apartment was no longer available. What the fuck was I going to do? I thought about texting Ben the news but then the previous night came flashing back and I decided against it. I was glad things were slow on Mondays because I kept zoning out, staring at my computer screen and pretending to work for long periods of time. Jeannine kept pulling me from my pity party with her boring play-by-play of her fabulous weekend in Victoria with her husband Bill and their two-year-old twin boys. I actually really liked Jeannine and normally would have humoured her and not really minded her ridiculously drawn-out stories. She reminded me of my high school Algebra teacher, with her eighties perm and feathered bangs and her pleated polyester suit-pants. Her laugh was infectious and she was always in a good mood, which I generally really appreciated about her, but that morning I could have strangled her. She was driving me fucking crazy. I refused to reply to Bens text and he hadnt sent another one. I kept willing my phone to ring so I could relish the feeling of ignoring him again. But instead, just before noon, the front

door chimed and in walked Ben, looking sexy as hell in some dark, faded jeans and a plain white t-shirt, his dreads tied back neatly with a thick, black band. Not bad for a man who had worked and sweated in the scorching heat all weekend and then partied at Jam Hall until all hours of the night I deliberately pretended not to notice him as I stared at my computer screen and rechecked my emails. Jeannine piped up immediately. Hey Ben! How you doing? I noticed Ben turn to her from the corner of my eye. Hey whassup Jeannine how di boys doin? Four very large handfuls, as usual! Jeannine laughed. Ben chuckled at that. You a brave woman he teased her, and then turned to me. I still didnt look at him, even though he was standing right in front of my desk. He slowly sat down onto the chair across from me. I sighed and glanced up casually. Hey, I said, a bit more rudely than I had intended to. He gave me a strange look. Hey yourselfso whats good? Yawright? I shrugged. Yeah, Im fine. How are you? Ben narrowed his eyes at me. Whats wrong? I shook my head. Nothing, justgot some stuff on mind, thats all. How was your night? Hey Gab! Jeannine cut in suddenly. Its ten to just cut out early for lunch, theres no one here I glanced over at her. You sure? Yeah of course! she insisted, nodding at the back of Bens head, her silent way of telling me to go get some privacy. Cool, I said simply, locking my computer screen and grabbing my hand bag, all the while Ben still looking at me with this expression of confusion, caution and suspicion all rolled into one. He followed me out the back door and into the alley. Whats up with you? he wanted to know, as soon as the door to the shop was closed behind us. Nothing. I fished in my bag for my cigarettes. Up late last night? He narrowed his eyes at me again. Yeah, I wasthats why I text you so late. I was sleeping. I lit my cigarette. Ben was still watching me cautiously. I have something to tell you. I met his eyes then, my pulse quickening. What is it? Well, its lunch rush now, so I gotta get backbut last night Lena and Patrick dragged me to Jam Hall for the festival wind-up and I ran into an old friend of mine. Shes moving back to Toronto next week and she still hasnt rent out her place yet. We can go check it out when you get off work later if you want. Ill take you. My eyes went wide and I just stared back at him for a moment, letting his words sink in. Ohwowokay I thought for a minute. Where is it? Just up the street. Commercial and 16th. Okay I thought again, my mind racing. So its main floor, wheelchair access, alla that? Yeahdont worry, well talk bout all that later, Ben assured me. But I gotta get back nowycoming for lunch?

I smiled then, forgetting that I was mad at him. YeahIll be right in. I met Ben at his parking stall behind the restaurant just after 5 pm. Sothis friend of yoursshe isnt someone else that you used toyou know my voice trailed off as we pulled out into the alley. Ben glanced over and sucked his teeth at me. No. I sighed. Thats a relief. Is it? Ben teased me. I had no idea you were such a jealous woman. Im not! I protested quickly and unconvincingly. I just think it would be kinda awkward, thats all I sighed. Could you imagine? I continued, thinking out loud. Me moving into an apartment that you used to fuck some other woman in? I shuddered at the thought. Ben sucked his teeth at me again. Ive never fucked her and Ive never even been to her apartment so you can relax, he said, dismissing it. Anyway, what was up with you earlier? When? I pretended I didnt know what he was talking about. Ben glanced over at me. At lunch. You looked like you wanted to tear my face offor something worse. Im sorry, I told him. I was just being stupid. Tasha texted me last night and said she saw you at Jam Halland you had told me you were just going to bedI guess it got me a bit irritated. He shook his head, sucking his teeth softly. Come on nowyserious? Yeah. So Ben looked a little confused by the concept. You sayin you was pissed off that I stop by Jam Hall instead of just goin straight to bed? What are you now? My mother? My mouth fell open. Dont be an asshole! I turned to look at him and noticed a look of amusement on his face. That was rude. And youre laughing. Because its funny. How is it funny? You didnt tell me you were going to Jam Hall. Why? You didnt want to take me? You didnt want to see me? I was digging myself a bit of a hole, but at this point I didnt care anymore. I needed to know. Ben glanced over at me then, his amusement fading. You need to relax. For real His tone was still calm, but serious. First, it was a last minute thing, and secondI guess you right. I didnt want to take you or see you. I was dumbstruck. Wow. Okay. Good to know. I was at a complete loss now with this new piece of information. Serious. Gabriela. He stressed my name. Sometimes I dont think you get how hard I work for real. I mean, ysee me all weekend out in da heat cookin at the festival up at da crack a dawn until fuck knows when at night then to top it off I got you distractin me with your sexiness all day long got me up fuckin half the night every night he sucked his teeth. I mean, come on now, am not a machine It took a moment for his words to register. OhI see. I thought about it. Well, I guess I apologize then. Ill try to tone down my sexiness from now on. Ben rolled his eyes. Youre fuckin nuts

You know, we dont have to fuck every night, Ben, I pointed out. We could just go to sleepI like sleeping with you. Or My mind was racing. Maybe youre right. Maybe were spending too much time together. I dont know. I guess I am nuts. Sorry He glanced over at me then, smiling slightly. Then he nodded his chin over at the building we pulled up next to. We here. I turned to look where he was pointing and was immediately impressed. Wowis this a townhouse? Ben eased the car into park and cut the engine, and then I felt his hand running slowly up my thigh, squeezing lightly. Somethin like that His voice was soft. I turned to face him. It looks nice. Ben was looking at me. And then he lifted his hand and ran it across my cheek, brushing my hair back gently. I never said we were spending too much time together, Gabby He let his breath out. What is it with alla you beautiful girls? His voice was still so soft. Can never be satisfied He smiled slightly, his thumb grazing my bottom lip. You so highmaintenance My eyes went wide. What? Me? I was confused. Ive never heard that before On my mind, he clarified. You drive me crazy. I caught my breath. I do? Yes. You do, he stressed, sounding so very serious. I cant even spend one night away from you without you freaking the fuck out and I cant even stay mad at you for it He let his breath out again, pushing my hair back behind my ear. I must be losing my mind. Ben! Whats up you made it! Awesome The woman that opened the door for us was a beautiful tall, extremely slight blonde in her early thirties, with a short little pixie-cut and a chest that needed absolutely no support, which is why she looked super-comfortable braless in a loose-fitting tank-top and a pair of booty shorts. I couldnt have imagined Ben fucking her either, so I was immediately at ease. Hi, Im Erin she introduced herself to me, extending her hand. Come in, sorry about all the boxes I introduced myself and immediately started focusing my attention on the spacious living room with huge bay windows that overlooked the street. She was nearly completely packed so the room was bare, as were the walls. The floors were a light-coloured laminated hardwood. Everything looked brand-new. I turned toward Ben and Erin, as they made small-talk near the main entrance. Do you mind if I go I gestured toward the hall. No, not at all, take your time look around, Erin insisted quickly. I wandered through the apartment slowly, taking everything in, from the beautiful floors to the neutral colours on the walls, the clean, spacious bedrooms two of them the master even sporting a small en-suite half-bath, and a walk-in closet. My heart started racing. Was this really possible? When I opened what I thought was just a linen closet I noticed a stacked washer and dryer nestled comfortably among a wire shelving unit. Really? I thought about my Sunday afternoon outings to the Laundromat at Fraser and Broadway, where the lady that smelled like moth balls and Menthol cigarettes liked to give me shit when I complained about the dryer that

left all our clothes semi-damp even after three cycles. Could this be real? I felt like pinching myself. The main bath was clean pristine even and looked brand new. The tub had a wallmounted supportive bar that I noticed right away. This was getting ridiculous I wandered into the kitchen then. It was a modest size but the cabinets were large and there was ample storage space, and the appliances were simple and lower-end but also brand new. But the back patio door caught my attention immediately and I walked over and opened it, stepping out onto a small but completely enclosed outdoor deck. I imagined a table, some potted flowers, me and a glass of wine My mind kept spinning in circles and wandering even as both Ben and Erin joined me out on the patio and I overheard bits and pieces of information as she continued to try to sell me on the suite. The landlord is awesomeagreed to repaint the entire suite as soon as I found a subletits rent-controlled, so I only pay $1325 a month and they cant up that for five years brand-new appliances, everything works great, never had a problemright on the Sky-train line which is super handyclose to everythingsurprisingly quiet neighbourhood for the area I noticed Ben watching me, trying to read my silence when I just cut Erin off in midsentenceI had completely lost control of my manners. So what do we do now? I mean I want it, its perfect, what do I do? Ahhh Erin gave me a strange look, obviously a little taken aback by my abruptness. Well, youd have to apply through the property manager butI mean, if there arent any issues, then the place is yours. I had to move really quick so I didnt have any time to find anyone to take the placeyou dont have any competition, I guess thats what Im trying to say. Ill be out by tomorrow night. I let my breath out, still trying to take it all in. A ringing suddenly interrupted my scrambling brain. Sorry Erin pulled her phone out. I should take thisIll let you guys talk And she darted back in through the sliding patio doors. Ben watched her go and then turned back to me, a little look of amusement dancing in his eyes. You okay? I shook my head slowly, a giant numbness taking over inside mebut a nice numbnessalmost a calming numbness I cant believe this. I sighed deeply. Its perfect. Yeah, its not bad Ben agreed with me. I saw some loose base-boards in the living room but they can probably fix that when they paint I just threw my arms around him. Thank you. My voice was barely a whisper. This has gotta go. I dont care what you say, Gabby, but lugging boxes full of garbage into your new apartment doesnt exactly ring outfresh start! I looked up from the dishes I was wrapping in newspapers over to where Corinne was holding up two severely rusted sheet trays she had just pulled out from inside the oven drawer. You just have to wrap them in tin-foil theyre perfectly usable! I dismissed her with a glance.

She shook her head slowly, dropping them down onto the counter, just as Ben walked into the kitchen, carrying another box of books from my bedroom. Bena little help here? she eyed him. I looked up and noticed him glance over at the trays Corinne was still making faces at. I pulled one of the trash bins next to the back door just toss em in there he said simply and then kept walking out the back door to the pick-up truck waiting in the back lane. I groaned. Really? I was completely exasperated. I had heard nothing but how I needed to throw away nearly every possession my mother and I owned for the better part of the evening. Corinne smiled back at me. I like him. It had been an eventful couple of days. After Ben and I had left Erins apartment on Monday evening I had been through a roller coaster of emotions. She had given us the paperwork to fill out on the spot and I immediately wrote out a cheque for the nearly $700 needed to secure the apartment upon review of my application, and by the next day I received word that I had been accepted and the lease was signed. By Tuesday evening I was in full moveout mode and was organizing and packing and running on auto-pilot, working until well past midnight. I wanted Lazaro to be able to stay in the new apartment the night he arrived so Ben arranged to borrow his friends pick-up truck so we could move all the necessities into the new apartment by the time his flight arrived late Wednesday evening. Corinne and Tony immediately offered to help with the move and Ben roped in his nephew Levi as well. It was amazing to me, watching so many people I cared about working so hard to help me. By 9 pm that evening we had moved nearly every large piece of furniture out, as well as the entire kitchen, and our clothes. There was still a lot left to go through but the important piece was done, so when I stepped out onto the porch before they took off with the last load for the night, I wasnt too surprised to find Ben sparking up a joint with Tony and Corinne, enjoying the cool, night breeze that had picked up with the setting sun. You guys are amazing I let my breath out, as I leaned back up against the railing. I just want you to knowI appreciate everything and I my voice trailed off as I felt myself start to choke up. Aww Tony was next to me in a flash, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and squeezing gently. You know we love you, Gabby Ben was sitting on the porch steps, leaning back against the railing and smiled up at me when I caught his eye. Although, if we really loved you enough, we would sign you up for Hoarding: Buried Alive Corinne noted dryly. But everyone else seemed to think that would be in bad taste Its okay, I assured her easily. At this point I really dont give a fuck anymorebut what happened to my coffee maker? I found it in the trash. I saw Ben reach over and take the joint from Tony casually, as he glanced over at me. Youre welcome I had both beds made and a semi-functional living room when I noticed the lights of the Yellow Cab pull up in front of the new apartment at half past midnight. I was exhausted. Id had no more than eight hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and no part of me felt prepared for

what was to come. I hadnt seen my brother in nearly four years. I didnt even know what emotions I was supposed to be feeling, other than the obvious fear. Ben had been the last to leave that night. Hed stayed until about 11 pm, after helping me fix up both bedrooms and unpacking the dishes in the kitchen. One of the last things he unpacked for me was the brand new French Press and coffee grinder hed bought for me. Youre kidding I let my breath out as I came up behind him, noticing his gift to me as he set it out on the sparkling counter top. I had some Blue Mountain still hangin out in the back of my freezer from my last trip home, he said then, holding up the bag of beans for me. You probably gonna need it in the morning I smiled back at him, my heart rate picking up. ThanksBenI dont evenI dont even know how to use one of those, I admitted. He eyed me briefly and then sucked his teeth. You serious? I nodded apologetically, as I came up beside him. You boil your water, you grind your beans, you mix em together and you push down the filter, he explained, as if stating the obvious. I smiled again. I guess Ill figure it outor you can show me. That or you could read the instructions, he suggested simply, knocking the top of my head lightly with the little booklet, teasing me. I laughed at that, but then just as quickly my face fell, my heart lept into my chest, and I began choking back my tears. Hey... Ben said softly, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. Just relax, babyyoull be fine. I dont know about that. I wasnt convinced. I felt his fingers pushing my hair back and tipping my face up. He locked his eyes to mine. Well, I dotrust me. I wish you could stay here with me tonight. You could hide out in the bedroom, he wont even know youre here Ben laughed softly. No thanks, babyyou got this, though. I sighed. OkayI guess so I wasnt able to hide my disappointment. And Ill see you tomorrow, he said softly, tipping my chin up and kissing me softly. I licked my lips, staring back at him. I really cant convince you, can I? He shook his head slowly, as he traced my lips with his thumb, watching me. Noyou gotta do this yourself, Gabby. BesidesI got some sleep to catch up on. I rolled my eyes. You and your love-affair with sleeping Its one a my favourite things, he winked back at me. Yeahno shit, Martha Stewart, I teased him back. That and all your fancy kitchen gadgets He laughed at that. This aint fancy, baby cost me twenty bucks. He shrugged it off. I glared back at him. Oh, I feel so loved Then I bit my lip. The L word was one I stumbled over all the time with Ben and was always successful at suppressing. And twenty bucks was definitely nothing compared to the thousands of dollars Ben was shelling out for me at the momentI was such a moron. But Ben just smiled back at me, pushed my hair back, and gave me another little kiss on my forehead. Later, baby.

And so about an hour later there I sat in my brand new living room, among my old living room furniture and a few cardboard boxes, the emptiness feeling so foreign to me. And it was way too fucking quiet. The TV and cable was still hooked up back at the old apartment. I had my lap top and my phone, but no internet. I guess Laz and I would have no choice but to sit and talk to each other.

Chapter Eighteen When I was a really little girl before my mom got ill Lazaro was my protector. He always found a way to distract me, play with me, make me laugh and tell me stories as soon as the screaming matches between Raoul and my mother would begin. Sometimes he would sneak me out onto the little balcony of our apartment on the hill overlooking the city even in the middle of the night and we would dangle our bare legs between the wrought iron railing and he would read to me. At the age of 8 he was already reading well ahead of any of the other children in his class and his teacher would let him bring three books home every night. I would beg him for stories about beautiful princesses like Cinderella and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, but Laz refused to indulge me in any fairy tales. Instead he generally read me stories about slaying dragons, because as he put it, that shit was real and could one day save my life. It was that same little boy my protector that I recognized in the picture of my nephew Felipe, as I scrolled through the photos on Lazs phone the night he arrived. Of course, I had seen many pictures of his kids before that on facebook and via email but it never really hit me until that moment how much I saw of my brother in his son. Mama will like these, I said then, scanning back over my favourites, as we sat together on the couch. We should go get a few printed tomorrow on the way to the hospital Laz nodded slowly. I sent her that album last Christmas, does she still have it? Yeah. She keeps it in her dresser, though. In the top drawer. He gave me a strange look. She keeps it in a drawer? I nodded. Its just easier for her, Laz. To have it close to her, you knowshe spends a lot of time in her bed. He let his breath out deeply, rubbing his palms over his thighs. I had never seen anyone look more uncomfortablemore nervousmore ready to just jump up and bolt I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. Why did you come? He glanced back over at me again. What kinda question is that, Gabby? He dismissed it, and stood up slowly, glancing around the room, taking in his surroundings. How the hell did you even find this place? he wondered, changing the subject and starting to wander down the hallway. I stood up and followed behind him. A friend of mine. Can you even afford it? I saw him peeking in at the washer/dryer. Wellits a stretchbut Ill make it work. He gave me a confused look. So youre just paying for two apartments right now? He didnt look to be buying it. And youre gonna move Mom in here with you when they let her go? I nodded. Yup. Thats the plan. There were like ten steps up the front porch at the old place theres no way we could get her wheelchair in and out, and this placewellas you can see Gabby, why are you doing this? Laz just stared back at me, cutting me off in midsentence. I swallowed. Excuse me?

Here. He reached into his back pocket then and pulled out what looked like a piece of paper but when he unfolded it I noticed it was actually a pamphlet of some sort. I wanted to show you this first, before we talk to Mom about it tomorrow, I didnt want to spring it on you just take a look. I took the piece of paper from him and immediately understood. Pine Tree Hollows Long-Term Care Home. Providing Quality Care, Support and Assistance To All Our Residents Since 1973. I dont fucking believe this. Just look at it, Gabby. What do you think Andrea and I have been doing for the past month or so? We looked into everything, all rightthey have an excellent reputation check out the website, everythings there plus she can get in right awayand the difference between her disability cheque and the fees are just a couple hundred dollars. We talked about it and Andrea and I will cover the difference. We want to do this, Gabby, and I think Mom will want this too, I just really need you to be on board with this cause you know if you fight it shell just Forget it. I dropped the brochure onto the table. Youre not doing this, Laz. Gabby, open your fucking eyes please for once in your life! Laz was pleading with me. You cant do this yourself, not anymore, not like thisI talked to Teresa and she agrees with me, she cant do this anymore either, why cant you see that? Thats fine. I dont need Teresa anymore. Okay, so what are you gonna do? You gonna quit your job and play nurse all day long? How the fuck is Mom gonna take care of herself here all day by herself? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about anything, Gabby? Of course I have! I shot back. We went through everything at the hospital already Mom qualifies for home care now, someone will be here every day with her while Im at work, Im not fuckin stupid, Laz, I know what Mom needs, okay Im the only one that even gives a shit about her anyway! I mean, you can say what you like about how you did the honorable thing by running away and not burdening your mother with any guilt so she can instead just wallow alone in her bedroom by herself and stare at all your beautiful goddamn photo albums all dayso grateful and thankful and fucking blessed that her son was able to escape her. Give me a fucking break, Laz! Dont you think it would be nice for her to see her grandchildren? Dont you think it would be nice for anyone whose life has been crippled and broken and torn out from under them to at least have their children with them? I was shaking but I swallowed back the tears. I had cried enough. Laz was just staring back at me. He didnt say anything for a long time. And I just waited. For what, I dont know, but I wasnt sure I even cared anymore. I really wanted my bed, but considering how the screaming match was playing out in my new hallway, I was glad Ben had insisted on going home. It would have killed me for him to have listened to this You knowGabbythis wasnt the first time. His voice was calm when he did finally speak. I ran my fingers through my hair. What do you mean? I meanlong before all thislong before Mom was ever really sick, Gabby His voice broke suddenly and I stared back at himwaiting. Its not about the MS. The pillsthe depressionfuck, Gabbyall of that was there before, dont you get it? I shook my head slowly, not wanting to listen to him anymore. I dont know what youre talking about, Laz.

I know you dont. Because I didnt want you to know. I was getting a head ache. Laz, what the fuck are you talking about? He drew his breath in slowly, watching me. Do you remember when we moved here like six months or something after we moved here, Gabby, you finally made that friend across the street, I forget her name, but you used to ride your bike with her all the time Stephanie. My voice was a whisper. Laz nodded slowly. YeahStephanieand a few weeks later she invited you to sleep over, remember, and you kept begging Mom to let you go and she kept saying no and you started crying and you got so upset until eventually Mom just caved and said yes you could go. He met my eyes again. You remember that? I nodded again. Yes. I had to stay a second night. You remember. Yeah, because My head was spinning, trying to make some sense of the memory. Because you had an accident, Laz, you had to go to the hospital, I remember that, it was food poisoning But Laz just shook his head slowly. It wasnt food poisoning, Gabby. He paused but only for a moment. I drank a glass of Drano. My eyes went wide and I just stared back at my brother, in total confusion. The first time I caught her, Gabby, I had to pry her fingers so hard off the bottle she left scratches on my hands. His voice was barely audible but I heard every word. I told her if I ever caught her trying to drink it again she would have to watch me die first. I was sitting in my mothers bedroom, which was now empty of furniture but still strewn with her belongings papers, knick-knacks, piles and piles of old pill bottles and a shit load of clothes she never wore anymore. I was trying to decide what I could throw away, but looking around me, in that moment, I realized there was nothing there that she needed or would even miss and go looking for. Just because my mother never threw anything away didnt mean she cared about what was there. The irony of that thought alone was almost more than I could bear. I didnt go to the hospital with Laz the day after he arrived. After he confessed his long buried secret things turned surprisingly calm. For him it was after 4 am and I showed him to my bedroom, deciding it was better that I take my mothers room after all. And afterward, as tired as I had been earlier, sleep was the last thing on my mind. I headed back into the kitchen and continued organizing the cupboards, arranging and rearranging everything I could find. Tony had gone on a last minute grocery run before hed left that night and bought me milk, eggs, bread, a sack of oranges and a tub of Ben and Jerrys just the basic necessities. I pulled the ice cream from the freezer and grabbed a spoon and sat down at the kitchen table, settling in with the instructions for my new coffee maker which was actually just a carafe with a fancy looking filter attached to the lid. Then, satisfied that I knew what the hell I was doing, I grabbed the Blue Mountain coffee beans and the coffee grinder and blitzed them to a pulp realizing only afterward the ridiculous amount of noise it made. I couldnt find the tea kettle so I grabbed a sauce pan and boiled the water that way, then poured it over the ground up beans and waited the recommended five minutes it took for it to steep. I swirled my spoon around in the coffee and watched this delicious caramel-coloured foam rise and settle on top, then pushed the filter down ever so gently until the darkest, richest, most aromatic, perfectly brewed coffee sat

floating above the filter. I scooped a spoonful of ice cream into my mug and poured the hot coffee down over top of it and took a small sip. As I had anticipated, it was the best fucking cup of coffee Id ever had in my life I pulled out a cigarette and lit up, deciding to use one of the old pill bottles as an ashtray, when I heard my phone buzzing. <Good news. Im awake. Hows your brother?> I smiled to myself and hit reply. <Youve been awake and at the restaurant since 10 am, so no surprise there. I guess hes fine. Probably at the hospital.> Send. <Where are you?> <Im at home. The old house. Trying to organize some shit but I cant focus.> I checked the time. It was almost 8 pm. I realized I had been sitting there for nearly two hours, ever since Id gotten in from work. <Come over. Ill pick you up in 20> I let my breath out and willed the next twenty minutes to pass by quickly. Bens phone went off the minute we stepped through the front door together. It was Lena, with some restaurant-related crisis, so as Ben headed downstairs into the kitchen to continue his conversation, I headed to the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth. And then, once I stepped into Bens bedroom, the sleep that had evaded me for over 24 hours finally came on and hit me with a vengeance. I pulled my clothes off piece by piece and then climbed under the covers in just my bra and panties, inhaling Bens intoxicating scent off his sheets and his pillows. There was no better feeling in the world. Sleep. Peace. Ben. I was out like a light within two minutes. Gabbycome on, wake up My brain was telling me to comply but my body wasnt letting me. His gentle nudging and stroking on my back and my shoulders was beginning to get firmer and much less patient. I dont know, manIm trying, believe meIll call you back. Slight pause. Gabby! It wasnt quite a shout, but it was close. Wake the fuck up. And at that my eyes sprung open and I focused in on Ben, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at me. He sucked his teeth. Thank you. I gave him a look. Whats going on? Reality began to kick in, like eyes adjusting to light. And why are you yelling at me? Damn, girlI dont know how anyone could sleep through the shit I been puttin you through Ben sucked his teeth again. SorryI didnt know it was such a crime to take a nap around here I was still coming to Ben smiled slightly. Well, it is when its almost midnight and you locked your brother outta your apartment, he explained. I dont know, I guess hes been calling youtracked

Tony downhe sent me a message on facebookso that took a couple hours for me to notice and here we are. So where the key at? Now I was fully awake. Oh shit. Laz and I were sitting in my mothers hospital room the next evening attempting to make small talk. Laz had picked up some Chinese food from a restaurant up the street and the three of us seemed to be focusing a lot more on the meal than each other. The doctors were ready to discharge my mother and I knew Laz had been trying to stall them. A few hours earlier one of the nurses in passing happened to mention to me quietly that she had heard nothing but good things about Pine Hollows and my mother would be in good hands there. It was painful just watching my mother try to raise the spoon to her mouth. I sat next to her and tried to help her the best I could but she kept insisting I leave her alone. Laz just kept averting his eyes. Mama, we have to talk about whats gonna happen when you leave the hospital, he said suddenly, staring down into his box of chow mein. Well, Im going home, arent I? she responded simply, without much enthusiasm. Gabriela found a new apartment. I didnt speak. For some reason I just couldnt. Laz took a deep breath. Well, theres another option, Mama. My mother glanced over at me then, but I just looked away. Laz stood up then and walked over toward my mothers bed and pulled the chair up across from me. He handed her the brochure. I held my breath as she stared down at the paper. She stayed silent. When she finally looked up I saw the disbelief and pain in her eyes. It was more than I could bear. What is this? Her voice was a whisper. Laz spoke quickly. Mama, theyll know how to take care of you there. You wont be all alone in the house all day without anyone there with you, you can go outside, they can take you for walks The look on my mothers face had softened but the pain was still there. She turned to me then. Gabriela? I took a deep breath. Whatever you want, Mama. Its up to you. Laz looked over at me in disbelief. I knew he had expected me to fight him on it, and I knew that he thought if I didnt fight she would go. She would have gotten her wish. Both her children would have let go. And part of me believed he was right but another deeper, darker part of me knew different. I watched as the look of relief washed over my mothers face in a heartbeat. Well, then its settled. I want to go home. Gabby

I turned around slowly, not that surprised that Laz had followed me down into the hospital cafeteria. LookLazI cant do it anymore, I cant fight about this anymore. And I couldnt. I had no more energy left for any of it. I was so tired. I sank down at one of the tables by the window and stared down into the disgusting cup of coffee I was forcing myself to drink. Laz sat down across from me. He nodded slowly. I know. I He paused momentarily and then I saw a look of pure resignation just come over him. I give up. You win. I sighed and shook my head. Its not about winning No, youre right. But youre a grown woman, Gabriela - we cant go back anymore. Maybe if you had known the truth from the beginning, things could have been different, butI thought I was doing the right thing. It wouldnt have changed anything. Laz was quiet for a moment. You didnt see the things I saw, Gabby. His voice was low. I felt the pain in his words. You know, when I look at my kids, I cant help but think about five years, ten years twenty years down the roadI think about everything I want them to have, to see, to achieveyou justwhen youre a parent, Gabby, you just want better for your kids Like Mom wanted for you, I finished for him. Yeah, but He shook his head. Its more than that. As much as I would do anything to give my kids all the opportunities in the world, if I thought for any reason that I was holding them back if I was keeping them from enjoying and living the best life they possibly could, I would back off so fucking fast, Gabby, you wouldnt know what hit me. What are you getting at, Laz? I wanted to know. He took a deep breath. What Im saying isyes, its true, Mom pushed me outand you could say its cause she wanted better for me, and I tried to believe that for so many years, Gab, but the truth isthe more I think about it, I know that she pushed me out because she knew that if she didnt, one day I would just take you with me. I stared back at him in silence. She needed to hold onto you, Gabby. I shook my head slowly. It was my choice to stay, Laz. It was. You were right. Your choice? What other choice did you have? You were the only one left. After Uncle Fernando died, who else was there? Teresa? Mama never even left the fucking house, Gabrielashe didnt workthere was only you. He watched me for a long moment. I get why you hate me, Gabby. My heart fell. Laz, I dont hate you. A part of you does, he insisted. The same part of you that wishes you could have traded places with me. I averted my eyes. I didnt want to listen to him anymore. So yes, I feel guilty. I had never heard my brother talk this way. But when I thought about it, the painful truth was that I barely even knew my brother anymore I feel responsible. I feel ashamed The pain was slowly spreading and I felt it everywhere. But I just couldnt cry anymore. I spent ten years waiting for you to call me and tell me Mama was dead. Some days I didnt think about itsome days I didnt think about it at allsometimes for weeks at a time

but I always knew one day I would get that calland it terrified me, Gabby. He paused, and I glanced back up at him. And not because of Mama because I always knew she wanted to die I shook my head. No I cut him off then, still refusing to believe it. Yes. His eyes were pleading with me. It terrified me because of what it would do to you. Youre my sister, Gabriela, and I love you. I couldnt remember the last time I had heard those words. I just want you to know that no matter what your decision is right now, mine still stands. Whenever youre ready.

Chapter Nineteen I was sitting on the bench outside the back door of The Rock watching Bens Escalade pull up into his parking stall. I checked the time on my phone. It was 9:30 am and I should have been at my desk at work but I was taking another early coffee break. Stalker He teased me, as he made his way over toward me. I stood up quickly, smiling back at him. Youre early. He stopped right in front of me, just staring me down for a good moment before reaching out and taking my hand, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. I drew my breath in deeply, inhaling his wonderful smell, feeling myself get warm all over. Can I come in? I said softly, as I let my breath out. Ben pulled back slowly. This is gettin kinda ridiculous, Gabby I sighed. What do you mean? I miss you. I miss you too. Im not fucking you in my supply room anymore, he said simply, staring back at me. Bending you over for ten minutes and keeping my clothes on aint really doin it for me. Wow. Okay. My heart sank. I just thought sinceyou knowlast night when we were talking My voice trailed off as I remembered our two hour long phone call the night before. I was still aching for him. Every single part of my body was just burning for him. And just from a soft sigha little laughthe way he teased methe way he talked to mehis mindhis heart I was so in love with him I couldnt stand it anymore. Last night when we were talking I told you this here is just making it worse, he clarified. I let my breath out, confused. Yeah, but I thought you meant that in ayou knowin a good way. He let out a little smile. Baby, come on My mind was racing. WellIm sure Ill be able to get a respite worker at least one night a week soonthe waiting list isnt that long. Ben shook his head slowly. You dont even look like youre sleeping. I do, I lied. When Im not on the phone with you, I added, attempting to give him a reassuring smile. I should stop calling you then. I shook my head again. Why are you making this so hard for me? But the truth was Ben had tried. On more than one occasion he had said he wanted to come to my apartment but I had refused. It was too soon. I was still adjusting...figuring shit out But in reality, I was so in over my head with my mother and the horror of what my world had turned into that I was terrified of letting Ben into it. I was petrified that if he saw my life for what it was he wouldnt want anything more to do with me. And the thought of losing him scared the fuck out of me. He was the best thing that ever happened to me You deserve better than this, Gabby.

I stared back at him in complete confusion. I mean, if the highlight of your day is spending your morning coffee break having a quickie in a fucking closet, I think you need to re-evaluate shit a bit, dont you think? His words stung. Dont flatter yourself, Ben. I moved to step away from him but he reached for my hand then, pulling me back. He let his breath out, and I saw the frustration on his face then. Im sorry His tone softened. This is just hard for me. I shook my head. I never hid anything from you, BenI mean, right from the beginning I told you everything I told you about my mom, and what I had to deal with and live with and I said to you, why would you want anything to do with someone like me? And you just Gabby, Im not running away from you. He cut me off then. But youre not really letting me in soI dont know what you want me to do. I love you. It was out of my mouth before Id even formulated the thought in my head. I had never said it to him and he had never said it either, and now, suddenly, without warning, it just came hurling out of my mouth, completely uncontrollable, like a bad case of Tourettes II love you so much, Ben, Im just so scared that His eyes didnt move they were fixed on me, and then, instead of letting me finish my rambling, he just reached out and held my face, pulling me closer and just stopped my words with his mouth. He kissed me so softlytenderlyand then he slowly pulled away. He didnt say anything right away, but eventually our eyes locked on each other again. Let me come see you, Gabriela. If you want me to come late, Ill come late I dont really give a shit I just want to spend the night with you. His words sounded final. So very serious. And this is the last time Im asking you. It had been nearly a month since my mother had been discharged from the hospital. As hard as it had been for my brother, he spent the remaining days before his flight back home helping me get her settled into our new home. He helped us unpack, organize, decorateand had almost single-handedly cleared out and cleaned up the old apartment, so that within less than a week we were able to start showing it to prospective renters. It had been worlds more than I had ever expected of him. It was so strange for me to look at my brother the night before his flight after my mother was in bed, and the two us were just hanging out in my new living room watching a movie, and eating some unbelievably delicious Greek take-out he had picked up for us and honestly say to myself I wouldnt have been able to do it without him. As different as we saw things he was still my brother. And I loved him. Saying goodbye had been harder than I had expected. My mother, on the other hand, was just up and down. Some days she was her old self again although quieter and more withdrawn. She would sit and stare out the window for hours and hoursId sometimes come home and find the homecare worker lounging in the living room reading magazines or watching Dr. Phil. Then other days, she was a complete nightmare angry, demandingrefusing to eat, to sleep not a rational bone in her body. I would come home and the worker on shift would tell me my mother had refused to have herself changed. For the first time in my life I found myself alone with my mother for a 12-hour stretch, as she

screamed at me for allowing her to be sitting in a pile of her own refuse, as if the entire situation was a conspiracy that I concocted, organized, and carried out all just in order to humiliate her. That night, as I walked through the front door, knowing that Ben would be there in less than four hours, I only prayed my old mother would be the one sitting there, and not the raging lunatic I had become far too used to by now. I found her out on the small patio off the kitchen, flipping through some magazines. I let my breath out in relief. She had wanted to be outside that was usually a good sign. Hey, Mama, how was your day? I leaned up against the railing casually. We still didnt have any patio furniture. She sighed. Why are there so many bushes out here, I cant even see anything its like an outdoor prison. She glanced over at me. Didnt you think of that, Gabriela? No. I didnt. But I had no time for this conversation. Remember when you told me you wanted to meet Ben? I paused briefly. Hell be here tonight. Her expression didnt change. I dont feel like visitors. I had expected this. Thats too bad, Mama, but this is my house too. And Im a grown woman. I can have my boyfriend over whenever the fuck I want. I could tell she hadnt expected that response but she pretended not to show it. Look at me, Gabriela. Her voice was pained. What is he going to think? I thought for a moment. Im not worried about that. But if you want I can fix your hair up for youlittle make up wouldnt hurt eitherif youre up for it. For some reason my mother decided to relax a little. After I made dinner and wed both eaten, I opened up a bottle of red wine and set about fixing her up for the evening. Whereas most days she refused to even change out of her housecoat, that evening I helped her into a pretty purple summer dress she used to wear when I was a teenager. I pulled her hair out of her standard librarian bun and pinned it back loosely, curling up some of the tendrils around her face with my curling iron, and applied a little colour to her lips and her cheeks. I couldnt help feeling quite impressed with myself. The beautiful young woman I used to stare at in all her old photographs was still trapped inside there, and that night I helped bring her out again. I hadnt seen her look that beautiful in a long time. I held the mirror up to her face once I was done. You still got it, I teased her, starting to feel a little warm from the glass of wine I was sipping. I hadnt drank in a while. She just rolled her eyes at me. Get me my quilt, Gabriela this dress and slippers, its disgraceful I laughed at that, but helped pull her mohair afghan up over her waist and covering her legs. You look elegant like Carmen Miranda, I teased her. And so by the time Ben texted me to say he was five minutes away, all I had accomplished myself was to brush my teeth and fix up my pony tail. A t-shirt and yoga pants was the best he was getting out of me. It was all I ever wore at home anymore. I opened the front door and smiled when I saw him, looking as delicious as ever in just his t-shirt and jeans. Hey. I let my breath out. He gave me a little suspicious look. Yes, I started without you, I admitted quickly.

Started what? Drinking. I braced myself then as I led him into the kitchen where my mother was waiting, along with my bottle of wine. I watched her expression as she finally laid eyes on him for the first time. She actually smiled, if only slightly. I took a deep breath. BenId like you to meet my mother. He took a step forward. Its nice to meet you Ana Carolina Pereira, my mother introduced herself formally. But you may call me Ana. My very first lover was a black man. Ben had sat down and joined us at the kitchen table and we had been making simple small talk for about ten minutes safe topics ranging from work, school, family, the weather when my mother decided to stir the pot with her extremely sexually inappropriate, random outburst. I watched Bens eyes go wide as I nearly spit out my mouthful of wine. Mama! I shot her some dagger eyes. What? She didnt look bothered. I met him when I was fourteen years old my family was on vacation in Copacabana we got lost on the beach, my sister and I. We asked him for directions but instead he took us to his house in Rio and I smoked my first chalice that dayamong other things I was absolutely mortified but Ben actually laughed just slightly. He taught me many things it was beautifulI will never forget him, she continued to reminisce. Then her eyes fixed back on Ben. He robbed us blind. Once we got back on the bus to the hotel we notice all the money was gone. Disappeared. Just like my virginity. She raised her glass. Cheers. Okaaaay I grabbed the bottle and filled up my own glass quickly. Thank you for that, Mama. What are your intentions with my daughter? Mama, please! I was seriously beginning to regret the idiocy of my decision to have Ben over. Its okay, Gabby, Ben assured me easily, not looking overly concerned. He looked back over at my mother. I care about your daughter very much. She just stared back at Ben then, sizing him up. You are very handsome. I dont think its a problem for you to find a woman. I was about to attempt to intervene again but Ben beat me to it. Well that depends. On what? My mother wanted to know. On what type of woman Im lookin for, Ben answered easily. My mother nodded slowly. Her speech was starting to slur a bit, and mixed with her heavy accent I was worried Ben wouldnt be able to understand her soon. So it is true what they say Ben didnt say anything to that, giving her a bit of a questioning look with his eyes.

Wellyou knowever since Gabriela was a little girl I always told her she is beautifuleven as a big girlshe can find someone that will love her, she must just be patient, you know I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But Ben just smiled. Well I watched him take a moment to think. Patience is a virtue, he said slowly. My mother taught me that too She used to wake up at four am just to catch the sun rise. She would just sit and wait for it My mother gave him a puzzled look, but meI just wanted to lean over and kiss him. Ben waited for me as I helped my mother get to bed. It took a while. Although I had the routine pretty much down it was still always a minimum of 30 minutes, but considering all the extra work wed put into getting ready that evening, it took a bit longer. But once she was settled and comfortable and done asking me ridiculous questions about Ben and whether or not I was planning to run off and marry him and leave her to die a slow and painful death absolutely and completely alone, I breathed a sigh of relief that it was only 11:30 pm and I could now finally go and have him all to myself. He closed the door to my bedroom so softly it barely made a noise. Im sorry, I whispered, since it was the only thing I could think of saying after everything that had just happened. Shh He stood right in front of me, staring me down. Take your clothes offyou want some help? I stared back at him, laughing softly. What? His hands circled my waist then, pulling my t-shirt up gently. I cant waste any more timewho knows how long I have and when Ill get another chance His voice was so soft but deadly serious. I caught my breath, my body already on fire. What? I whispered back. To fuck me? My shirt was over my head and in a pile on the floor. Bens fingers were already running down my spine and unclasping my bra. No, he whispered back, kissing me ever so softly. His answer surprised me. Ohthen what? I wondered, in between tender kisses. My bra was in a pile on the floor with my t-shirt. His hands ran around my rib cage and cupped them gently, my nipples tingling under the warmth of his fingers. I didnt come here to fuck you, Gabby. His words surprised memade my blood rush a little faster. I just want to be with youwe could be playing chessor watching paint dry I dont really give a fuck, baby He had me pushed up against the wall, his hands running relentlessly all over my body, my knees beginning to buckle, as his mouth ran kisses along my jaw, my ear, my throat And so Im getting naked why? I gasped, his hands reaching around my middle again, dipping under the waist of my yoga pants and squeezing my ass. Everything feels better naked, he whispered back. I laughed at that, but Ben hushed me again. How am I gonna keep you from making so much noise? he whispered, his hands back all over my breasts again. Do I make too much noise, Ben? I whispered back.

He squeezed so gently, pushing them up between his palms. Youre the loudest fucking chick I ever met, Gabby, he teased me, just as his mouth latched onto my nipple, sucking so gently, making me shudder. Ohh I took a moment to recover. So I come too fast, too hard and too loud when Im with you I paused, as Bens tongue kept running all over and around my nipple, driving me absolutely crazy. You may need to start gagging me or something, I whispered then, teasing him back. He lifted his eyes then and slowly brought his mouth back up to mine. I do that all the time, baby, it doesnt help much He reminded me softly before we just started kissing all over again. He took his time and let me savour every second of it. Kissing was something Ben seemed to have down to a science and he knew how much I loved it so he always spent a lot of time on my mouth, my lips, my tongue It always gave me shivers when I saw how my face seemed to give him as much pleasure as my body and not just when he was fucking it either He pulled back slowly. Lets go to bed. I drew the covers back then and climbed in while I watched Ben undress slowly, taking his time, emptying his pockets of a ridiculous amount of crap his phone, his keys, his wallet, a chain of about four or five condoms and tossing everything down onto the night table. Ben and I definitely lacked diligence when it came to condoms but to his credit, he made more effort than I did. Oh, I thought we werent fucking, I teased him, eyeing the condoms, as he pulled his tshirt up over his head and began working on his belt. He sucked his teeth at that. We never use these anywayit just makes me feel better knowin that I try, he said with a little laugh, pulling off his jeans and his boxer briefs while I just kept staring. He pulled the covers back and climbed in next to me. I laughed softly. If you say so My voice trailed off, though, as Bens naked body pushed up against mine. It wasnt so bad, you know, he said softly, running his palm across my hip, dipping into the small of my back. What? I wanted to know. Mecoming here, he said simply. I thought for a moment and then just sighed. Shes not herself, Benits likethe shit that comes out of her mouth, lately, I just My voice trailed off. Ben propped his head up on his hand, keeping his eyes on me, but he didnt say anything right away. I hadnt ever told Ben what Laz had told me the night he arrivedI hadnt told anyone. And even though I couldnt stop thinking about it, and the memory of that day so many years ago had come flooding back to me drowning me, assaulting me, suffocating me with such vividness, I still couldnt face it. I wasnt sure if I ever could Bens hand kept stroking me gently. Nobody can control the shit that comes out of anyones mouth, Gabby, he said finally. Thats what makes life so interesting I rolled my eyes but laughed softly. Youre funny. Well, its true. I sometimes wonder about the shit that comes out of your mouth, too His voice was softteasing me I narrowed my eyes at him. I see. He smiled. Maybe thats what keeps me comin back for more.

I sucked my breath in at the thought. It was weirdshe never had much of a filter, even when I was little, I said softly, Bens body just warming me from the inside out. Like when I got my periodI was still so young, only eleven, and her whole conversation with me about the whole thing, when I think back on it was just one giant inappropriate nightmare. Her first concern was that now that I was a woman, losing the weight would be that much harder I guess she thought puberty would have just taken care of all the baby fat on its own I sighed, remembering. And then she just kept insisting that I start using tampons right away. I kept telling her I didnt feel comfortable shoving anything up there I wasnt ready, you know but she said it was important that Ihow did she put itprepare myself. At first I didnt know what the hell she was talking aboutI mean, I was eleven fucking years old...but she kept insisting, she said if I didnt prepare myself properly, when a man shoves it in the first time, Ill never be able to get over the pain. I thought for a moment, still trying to wrap my head around the memory. It scared the fucking shit out of me, Ben. The more I think about it now, I wonder sometimes how magical that first time had actually been for her Bens smile had faded slowly as he kept watching me and listening to me, and then he just brought his hand to my face, tracing my eyebrow lightly with the tips of his fingers. I tried to read the expression on his face but I couldnt. Hed been looking at me like that a lot lately, though, almost like he wanted to say something but was stopping himself...deliberately. What? I asked softly. I didnt say anything. Ohso you just want to lie here and stare at me? He let his breath out slowly. Maybeyoure easy on my eyes. I smiled at that. NoI think you want to say something. Yeah? He paused, still watching me. What do I wanna say, Gabriela? I cant read your mind. He smiled at that. Thats good. You dont want to read my mind. I raised my eyebrows quizzically. Thats upsetting, I admitted. He kept watching me like that for a few more moments and then just pulled me closer. Come here He started kissing me again and I lost myself in it for a while, as I always did, but then pulled back. Youre acting weird. I had to say it. Noyoure just paranoid, he whispered, as I felt his hand reach down between my legs. I sucked my breath in as his finger slid across my clit. NoBenfor real My voice broke as he slipped a finger inside me. I was so wet already. My body and my head were not cooperating. Stop distracting me He met my eyes again. You want me to stop? he whispered, his fingers beginning to slowly pick up the pace, finding the perfect rhythm. I squirmed slightly, moaning softly as I felt the pleasure building, more so by how he was looking at me as he always did than anything else. Shit I let my breath out. Yes, I want you to stop. Hmm He sighed, sliding his finger out slowly, cupping my pussy in the palm of his hand. You want me to use my mouth? He stared back at me, his expression unchanged not looking at all bothered by my pathetic protest. Benplease I was losing this battle fairly quickly. Yes or no?

I bit my lip as he massaged me slowly with the palm of his handsqueezing ever so gently. Yes, but He sucked his teeth softly in that sexy way of his. Stop it, he snapped at me, looking dead serious. Yes or no? I sucked my breath in again, as I felt my whole body convulse in pleasure. Oh fuck I moaned, my head still stupidly trying to fight him, but there was never any point to that and I knew it. My body didnt know how to say no to him and probably never would. Yes I gasped, my voice a faint whisper. He knew how to shut me up when he wanted to. I saw the flicker of a smile on his lips but it disappeared just as quickly. He lifted himself up on his two hands then, resting his palms on the mattress on either side of me, still staring down at me. You gonna be quiet, right? He stressed it again. Fuck, he was so goddamn demanding, it made me sick with passion. Yes, I repeated again, getting impatient. Id flipped a total 180 in less than twenty seconds Mmm He licked his lips then. Good, baby he whispered as his eyes finally dropped and his tongue trailed down between my breasts. I closed my eyes and held my breath then as his face kept moving lower, teasing me, taking his sweet time and making me squirm. Shhh I felt his breath then as it teased my dripping wet pussy, his mouth just hovering over my clit, causing me to arch my back, so desperate for his mouth, those lipsthat expert tongue Stay still, dont move, he ordered me as he blew lightly on my clit, the cool air sending another rippling wave of pleasure through my whole body. Fuck, Ben, dont tease me like that, I groaned out of desperation, then quickly bit my lip. Keep your fucking voice down, baby, am not playin Oh shit And so I just held my breath again, waiting, until finally I felt the heat of his tongue just seep through me and fill me and just warm me from the inside out. I felt my toes curl and my fingernails dig into my bed sheets. Ohhhfuck, baby I contained my voice to a whisper. Yes, just like that.Ben, just like that His tongue sped up then without warning, and I felt everything inside me convulse. I groaned again and bit my lip quickly to shut myself up, but he pulled back immediately anyway, showing me absolutely no mercy. Fuck, you dont listen, do you? he scolded me harshly in that deep seductive voice of his. Please dont stop, I begged, pulling my voice back to a whisper. Im sorry, baby please I panted. It feels too good Hmm He waited, though, as if he was contemplating whether or not I deserved another chance. I felt him slide two fingers deep inside me then and I gasped, but bit my lip before I cried out, and so his tongue went back to work again, the intense warming pleasure building up again so deeply. Yesss I could feel it again everywhere as the sensation began to spread. Baby, Im gonna come I was panting, as Bens mouth kept up the steady, hypnotic rhythm, giving me exactly what I needed.

But then, without warning, my voice escaped me and I felt my whole body seize up in panic. This time Ben didnt ease up on me, though, and so I grabbed my pillow quickly suddenly pressing it hard into my face as I shook, trembled and came so hard, moaning so deeply, not giving a fuck anymore And so, as I recovered, I kept that pillow firmly pressed against my face, moaning and shuddering, even as I felt Bens lips trailing softly back up my body. I gasped as I felt his mouth latch onto my nipple and suckle me gently. I groaned again A moment later Ben pulled the pillow from my face, laughing softly. Youre so fucking crazy He teased me in a whisper. I let my breath out deeply as I stared back at him in total frustration. Yeah, and youre an asshole, I shot back, only half-joking. He sucked his teeth at that, though, his smile fading slightly. Nahyou dont mean that. He didnt buy it for a second. I sighed, just staring back at him. I loved him so much it was all I could think about. It was right there againon the tip of my tongue Ben His hand moved back down between us then, just spreading my thighs apartand just like that I felt him enter me, filling me up, as he lowered his face down to mine, pushing up on the palms of his hands. Yes, baby I moaned softly. That feels so good, I whispered instead. He kissed me so deeply, drowning me with his mouthhis tongueand eventually I felt his face pull back. I gasped and caught my breath. He was still going so slow, just watching me. He lifted my arm up over my head to give himself room to rest his weight on his elbow, and ran his other hand back down my face again, making me shiver. It was hard to look him in the eye. It was too muchtoo intenseand I just didnt trust myself anymore. Youre so beautiful, Gabriela. He whispered it so softly. I met his gaze then. Oh I didnt know what to say. The only thing I wanted to say as I stared back up at him was the one thing I kept forcing myself not to He smiled, sucking his breath in as he pushed in a little deepera little harder. Could just watch you like this all nightyou got that face, yknow His expression turned serious again. What face? I wanted to know. He bit his lip then, as I felt a wave of pleasure rush through him. I could sense it. Fuck He groaned softly. The kinda face you can pick outta a crowded roomlike the only thing you can seeyou know that kinda face, right? His voice was so soft. Dead serious. He ran his finger across my lip. I just nodded. I couldnt speak. It made Ben smile again, those eyes of his just piercing through me. Hmmwhappen, baby? I fuck the voice right outta you, huh? he teased me in a whisper, as I felt his cock slide in and out so slowlybut going deep, making sure I felt every inch I let my breath out as I stared up at him. This isnt fucking, Ben My voice was so soft but I knew he heard me. And I like to think he knew what I meant. His eyes stayed glued to mine but he didnt say anything to that. Instead he just slowly brought his hand up to my face, running his fingers down my cheek, tipping my head to the side

so I had to look away. And then I just gasped softly as his mouth, lips and tongue began trailing tender kisses from the corner of my eye, down over my cheek bone to my ear, my jaw, my throat...going so slowlytaking his time as I trembled under the heat of his body, his hands and his mouthsavouring every touch I had read a lot of books and Id watched a lot of moviesbut Id never in my life known what the fuck they were talking about That night Ben fucked the shit out of me while I again resorted to gagging myself with my pillowbut before he did, he made love to me. And it was the most amazing feeling Id ever known.

Chapter Twenty Okay, so Im confused. Id met Tony for a coffee over my lunch break, but the sun had evaded us and it was pouring rain, so we took a seat by the window inside JJ Bean, and made ourselves comfortable. So am I, I admitted, taking a little sip of my double shot of espresso. My caffeine intake had been increasing steadily over the past month. So you told him you love him and he said what? Tony liked repeating information over and over again before he dished out any advice. Nothing. He didnt say it back. No. And then what happened? He just kissed me. Tony groaned. Fuck, thats a hard one, Gabby I sighed. I know. I mean The look on Tonys face showed the wheels were beginning to turn. On the one hand, maybe that was his way of saying it backmaybe he thought youd appreciate that more or somethingbut more likely he was just tryin to shut you up and change the subject. I shook my head slowly and stared out the window. I should have never said it, I mean, its too soon, I justI dont know My voice trailed off as the memory of that moment outside of Bens restaurant kept replaying itself over and over again in my head. It hasnt even been three months yet. Tony gave me a look. Havent you ever heard of love at first sight? I rolled my eyes. Thats a load of crap, Tony. I believe in lust at first sight. I believe in wanting to rip someones clothes off at first sight but love? Come onactually I probably dont even know what love is, but with Ben, its likeits the only way I can describe how I feel, its all I can think about when Im with him, TonyIve never felt this wayever. Tony sighed. Of course you haventyou cant fall in love with a bunch a douchebags that treat you like a pile a garbagealthough I was startin to worry. Thanks, Tony, I replied dryly. But I mean My voice trailed off then, my mind wandering again. I almost think feeling the way I do wouldnt even be possible if he didnt also feel it I mean, the way he looks at me, Tony, the way he listens to me and puts up with all my weirdness and this whole thing with my mom andfuckI mean, look at himand look at me. I mean really. Tony sucked his teeth at that. You need to stop saying that shit. If anything, that right there is what gonna make you lose himfor real, Gabby. What? I was confused. You! He waved his hand at me dramatically. Talkin like youre not good enough for him a guy only gonna listen to that crap for so long before he starts believin it himself. He stared me down for a minute. Anyway, Im sick of talkin about your love-life, its getting old. We only got forty-five minutes, remember? I forced a smile. Im sorry, Tony.

And then Bens name popped up on my phone along with Gregory Isaacs Love Is Overdue the personal ring tone I had assigned to him. I snatched it up quickly. Hello? Hey, Gabby, whassup? His tone was casual, even though I could hear the noise from the kitchen loudly in the background. Im good, just havin lunch with Tony, I said. Awright, cool, Ill let you go. Come check me before you go home today, okay? he said then. I smiled and just ignored Tony, who was already making faces at me. Okay, I will. Later. I clicked my phone off and sighed. Did you seriously make that his ringtone? Tony wanted to know. Yeah, why? Youre kinda pushin it a bit, arent you? Not really. I mean, its not like he ever hears my phone ring when he calls me, I pointed out. Well, except for the other day. I couldnt find my phone and I was just tearing up my bedroom looking for it and so he insisted on calling me so I could find it. It was pretty fucking embarrassing, we had to listen to the chorus like four times and he just kept lookin at me all weird until I found it stuffed inside my pillowcase. I shuddered at the memory. Tony just groaned and shook his head. You need help. Ben joined me on the bench outside the back door of the restaurant just after 5 oclock. Whassup, beautiful He had approached me from behind and I nearly jumped, but smiled back at him as he sat down next to me. Not muchgonna get wet tryin to get home, though, I sighed, staring out at the rain that was still pouring down steadily. The awning that jutted out from the building above our heads only protected us by a few feet or so. Youll live. I gave him a little look. So what time you gettin outta here? I cut to the chase, since I needed to get home. Now that Ben was paying me these late night visits my efficiency at home and with my mother had improved. I was running on adrenaline. He reached out and took my hand casually. Thats why I wanted to see you, he explained. I cant come tonight. My heart sank immediately. Why not? Maria called me this morning. She asked me to take Sophie tonight, he explained. I had to go pick her up after school and now Sally is watchin her for a few hours but Ill probably take off here early Thats kinda weird, I admitted. For her anyway. Is she sick? Is it the baby? Maria? I dont know. I didnt really get into it. I sighed, the disappointment far too evident on my face. Ben glanced over and smiled at me though and then pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. Ill make it up to you. Dont worry. I nodded. I know.

He was playing with my fingers stroking them one by one. Ill call you later, he promised, and then pulled my hand up to his lips, kissing each one of my fingers quickly, teasing me. I loved it when he did that Gotta go. He planted a quick little kiss on my forehead and then he was gone. Did I ever tell you about the time your father won 1000 reals in a cock-fight and took me to Carnival? My mother was reminiscing again that evening, while I was trying to watch a movie. I sighed, grabbing the remote and hitting pause. Yes, Mama. And then he claimed to have lost you in the crowd, so instead he went on a bender and blew all his money on booze and strippers, and you had to hitch-hike back to Sao Paulo, which is how you met Raoul. I know the story. I waited for a moment to see if she would continue and when she didnt I hit play. I always wondered what would have happened if I had just waited in the square for him to return that night I rolled my eyes and hit pause again. I was very hot-tempered in those days, Gabriela. You dont say. Why dont you get out the board? Lets play a game before bed. I dont feel like Scrabble tonight, Mama, Im watching this. I could feel my patience wearing. I was still pretty bummed about Ben not coming over. I was now just biding my time until he called me. You know, your father was a gambler and a drinker but he never beat me. She obviously wasnt through yet. I glanced over at her then and set the remote down, defeated. We all make our choices in life, I suppose. I sighed, finally realizing how true that was. My mother was eyeing me. You look stressed, Gabriela. Is it Ben? No, I shot back, getting defensive. Not all men are the cause of every womans problems. She laughed at that. If you say so. I stared back at her. You know, Mama, I dont understand it, I really dont. You always kept telling me how much you wanted me to find someone that really cares and loves me and treats me right and gives me all the things you never had, but now when I finally think I may have found the one all you do is talk shit about him and try to convince me he isnt right for me. Why? My mother just shook her head slowly, staring back at me. I have nothing against Ben. He seems like a very good man, Gabriela, but you need to be realistic. Do you really think you can hold onto a man like that? With his money and his looks and his intelligence? I just dont want to see you get hurtyoure my daughter, Gabriela. Youre the most important person in the world to me. I could feel the bile of my anger just rise into the back of my throat. How dare you. Gabriela! My mother stared back at me in shock. You dont think anything of me, Mama. My voice was barely a whisper. I knew if I tried to speak any louder I would begin to scream at the top of my lungs. You never have.

How can you say that? Because its the truth. Gabriela, Im just trying to protect you thats all I have ever tried to do! Bullshit. My mother just shook her head at me. You are as stubborn as a mule just like my sister Raissa. Do you know that she actually thought she could be a burlesque dancer? She convinced the owner of the cabaret in town to let her perform just one night and she was laughed off the stage! Do you know how humiliating that was for her? I know I have told you the story many times Yes, Mama. Many times, I agreed with her. And where is Raissa now, Mama? I spoke slowly, finally looking up to meet her eyes. She married a doctor and moved to Rio. She spends her days sunbathing on the beach and vacations in the south of France And where, may I ask, are you? I fixed my eyes to hers and watched her face crumble in pain. I didnt care. She fucking deserved it. My phone was ringing and it knocked me back into reality. I glanced at the display but I didnt recognize the number. I stood up and bolted from the living room then, clicking my phone on only once I was half way down the hallway. Hello. Hi there...Im looking to speak with a Gabriela Pereira did I pronounce that correctly? Speaking. I pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and collapsed down among the dirty dinner plates that I still hadnt cleared away. My name is Courtney, Im calling from Care One In-Home Respite Services. I understand you had filled out an application for over-night respite care for your mother Ana My ears immediately perked up. Yesyes, thats right. Well, weve reviewed your application and were now able to provide you two nights a week starting this Tuesday oh wow, I guess thats tomorrow night I caught my breath. Oh my god, are you serious? The rest of the conversation became a blur. All I felt was a rush of reliefand the exciting thrill of falling asleep in Bens bed in less than 24 hours I awoke with a start and glanced at my clock-radio. It was after 1 am. Groggily, I reached for my phone lying on the night stand and checked the display. No missed calls. I felt a knot in my throat an uneasiness that just wasnt sitting right with me. After I had hung up with the respite agency I had sent Ben a text almost immediately. <OMG! Exciting news baby> His reply came about five minutes later. <Cant talk now. Call you later> And now this. Nearly five hours had passed and nothing. No other text. No call. Nothing. It took me another hour to fall back asleep.

Bens Escalade wasnt in his parking stall the next morning even by 10:30. I sat at my desk in the office, unable to think about anything else. This was so fucking stupid. I pulled out my phone. <Hey you ok? Youre not at work yet> Send. My phone buzzed a few minutes later. <Im not coming in today. I got a lot of shit going on> I stared at the display in complete confusion. What the hell was going on with him? Ben not coming in to work? <Why? Whats wrong?> Send. Again minutes passed before I got a reply. <I cant get into this now. Well talk later> I could feel that all-too-familiar sting of panic in the back of my throat. My paranoia was kicking into overdrive. I thought for a moment and then hit reply. <I wanted to tell you last night I got respite starting tonight, thats why I was so excited. I can come over later> Send. His reply again took much longer than necessary. <I cant tonight Gabriela. Im sorry. Well talk later, I really gotta go.> I let my breath out slowly and just put my phone away. By noon I couldnt stand it anymore. I hadnt heard back from Ben yet and my focus was absolutely shot so I headed over to the restaurant to see if I could figure out what the hell was going on. The chalk-board easel that was normally displayed near the front entrance advertising the daily specials was missing and although the restaurant was always busy at lunch, it seemed a bit emptier and a little quieter than normal. That is, of course, until I made it closer to the counter, where I saw Lena on the phone, looking animatedly frantic. As I approached I was able to overhear her end of the conversation. Well, I knowbut what the fuck do you want me to do, Ben? He practically sliced half his thumb off the minute he got here this morningwhat? No he cant just glove it! He needs stitches I sent him to the emergency room! Yes, youre right, I made an executive decision Im standing by it. Lena was shaking her head in exasperation. Well, I dont knowRob can handle some of the base items but if Johnny doesnt make it back here in the next couple hours I dont think we can stay openokay, fineyeah, I willokay bye. Lena let her breath out deeply. She didnt even see me standing there. Hey Lena. I knocked her out of her thoughts. She looked up suddenly. Ohhey Gabby. Its a gong-show here today Im sure you already know I shook my head. No, not really. Whats going on with Ben? I decided to cut to the chase. Lena just rolled her eyes. I have no idea I thought maybe you would knowbut it doesnt really surprise me eitherone of the many things that frustrates me about that guyhe never tells anyone anything. I nodded slowly, my frustration with the situation growing more and more as well with every passing second. So I racked my brain. He just called you and said what? I kept fishing, although I had a feeling it was useless.

Lena shrugged. Nothing. He just said he had some shit come up last night that hes gotta deal with and that he talked to Johnny and he would handle the menu today but then Johnny went and freakin sliced up one of his fingers and so nowwellwho the fuck knows I sighed. I didnt get it. How hard would it be for Ben to at least just let me know what was going on didnt he know I would worry? Didnt he care? I figured Lena saw the look on my face because she attempted to reassure me. I wouldnt worry too much, though, she told me. Obviously hes still aliveI did just get off the phone with him, she pointed out. I just shook my head again and sucked my teeth. Yes, at least I didnt have to worry about that. By the time I left work at 5 pm I was certifiably beyond worry and confusion now I was just downright mad. The only thing I knew for sure was that there was no way in hell I was wasting a night off not after all this time, and definitely not after the shit my mother had been putting me through lately. But my attempts at recruiting a partner-in-crime for a night out on the town were failing miserably. Tony had a date with Matt that night and Tasha was sick in bed with the flu. Corinne was studying for exams. Id even stooped as low as to text Michelle but she was working late, so it was a no-go. I strolled slowly up the Drive , and ducked my head into a few stores along the way, attempting to only window-shop, but ended up making a few frivolous purchases at Wonderbucks anyway a soap dispenser for my bathroom, a few scented candles and a new set of tea towels for my kitchen. I spent about 25 minutes debating whether or not to buy a set of wicker storage bins for my bedroom since they were half off, but decided to only stick to those items that I could easily stuff into my over-sized brown leather handbag. I was out for the night after all By the time I made it as far as Grandview Park, I decided to hit up Joes Caf for a coffee, and headed onto the patio to make myself comfortable with a copy of The Georgia Straight. I had all the time in the world and absolutely nowhere to go, and if it hadnt been for my stomach that was continually turning over in nausea over what was going on with Ben, I was pretty sure I would have actually enjoyed it. But in that moment, it was near impossible. I pulled out my phone. <Wtf is going on Ben?> Send. He replied fairly quickly. <Nothin for you to worry about. Im sorry about tonight> I was near to losing it. <Why are you being so goddamn dismissive?> Send. My phone only buzzed again a good five minutes later. <Cuz this is something I have to take care of on my own. I dont have time for your drama right now> I was so mad I could have smashed my phone on the concrete sidewalk. <Go to hell> Send. Oh fuck Maybe I took that too far, I thought, immediately regretting my reply. I made a dive for my bag and pulled out my cigarettes. I only had one left. I figured my next stop that night would be the mini-mart on the corner. Not surprisingly, Ben didnt send a reply to that text.

 Eventually I caught the sea bus and headed to North Vancouver with a copy of Alice Sebolds Almost Moon, which I picked up in the gift shop at Waterfront Station. I didnt even read the jacket cover, just flipped to the first page of Chapter One and read the very first sentence. When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily. I almost missed the bus, waiting a ridiculously long time in line as the lady in front of me made her entire purchase with a purse full of dimes and nickels. I only made it about four chapters into the book before my emotions got the better of me and kept me from continuing. I still hadnt apologized to my mother for the previous night and the guilt was beginning to eat away at me. Once the sun set, a chill in the air forced me to get back onto the sea bus and make my way back into the city. I bypassed hopping onto the Skytrain, though, deciding to take the long route home on the city bus as it headed back up East Hastings and through Chinatown, until turning south onto Commercial Drive. The bus slowed down near Venables. The traffic was thick all of a sudden, most likely due to a stalled car, as Tuesday night on the Drive wasnt necessarily that busy, but as I glanced out the window I noticed a small crowd of people gathered outside of Buena Comida, Bens old restaurant, and where he had taken me to watch Adams band play that time. I heard the music rumbling into the street from inside the bus a Salsa band was on-stage, visible from the front window of the restaurant. It was weird. I wasnt even much of a Salsa fan, but for some reason the music was pulling me in that and the little crowd of cute Latino boys hanging around outside. I rang the bell and got off the bus at the next stop. I had just swigged back my third shot of tequila when I noticed him watching me. I was standing along a half wall separating the bar from the tables in the restaurant, watching the band. He wasnt that tall, but he had a nice faceclean cut well-dressed. He kind of reminded me of Danny Fernandes, just maybe a little shorter. And for some reason he was staring me down like I was the only woman there. Maybe it was the tequila, but the way he was watching me was making me feel warm all over. I definitely wasnt used to being singled out like that. Within five minutes he had made his way over to me, inching his way closer, and continuing his stare-down, possibly attempting to get a better look. Then, he and his Corona, were right there next to me along the wall. Hi. He smiled at me. I could tell he was already pretty tipsy. I gave him a little smile. Hi. I looked away. Whats your name? I glanced back over at him and caught him swaying a little. Maybe he was a little more than tipsy Gabriela. Ahhh His eyes went wide, as he kept staring me down. Nice to meet you, Gabriela. Im Miguel.

I gave him another little awkward smile. You look so familiar to me. Ive seen you somewhere before. I sighed. I hated that line Its possible. I work in the neighbourhood. He shook his head slowly. Yeahnot from here though. From the Caribbean festival. I saw you there. My eyes went a little wide in surprise. Really? He nodded slowly. His eyes were heavy. And he was still swaying. He took a long sip of his beer. You have pretty eyes. And I never forget a face. I nodded, forcing out another smile. Wellthanks. I didnt know what to say. You were with a guy, he stated bluntly. I nodded again. Yup. I turned back to the band then, not feeling that comfortable anymore. Hes your boyfriend? I nodded quickly. Yes, I said, without hesitation. I felt it was becoming necessary to assert my boundaries. Are you sure? I gave him a little quick glance out of the corner of my eye. It was time for me to find a way to excuse myself. I racked my brain for an exit strategy. Well, you know, just becauseI know your boyfriend. That caught my interest. My eyes went a little wide. You do? Yeah. Ben. Oh. Okay. How do you know Ben? He let out a little laugh at that and took another sip of his beer. How do I know Ben? He turned and narrowed his eyes at me, watching me closely. Because that nigger is fucking the mother of my son. My eyes shot open in shock at his words. I couldnt move. I was frozen solid. He laughed at me again. Dont look so surprised, sweetieyou know what theyre like. Theyre together as we speak if you want we can go find them right now the both of us. That would be fun, wouldnt it? Whaddaya say? I caught my breath and pulled my bag back up over my shoulder quickly. I found my voice. Excuse me. I tried to move past him but he caught my arm. You dont believe me? I I needed to get the fuck away from him fast. I need to use the ladies room excuse me. Thats okay, sweetie, just go think about what I told you Ill be right out here when you get back. He was slurring his words. I snatched my arm away and bolted for the ladies room, locking myself quickly in one of the stalls. I grabbed my phone out of my bag, my fingers shaking. <How could you Ben???> Send. I waited two minutes, still shaking. My phone buzzed. <Gabby am not doin this now> Fuck texting. I hit dial and waited but the call went to voicemail. I pressed redial immediately. And that time he picked up on the third ring. I was glad the band was still in the middle of their set because the music was about to help drown out my screaming Gabby, what is it? He sounded tired and irritated.

What is it? I demanded. What do you think it is, Ben? Who is she? I was starting to shake even more. A slight pause. What? Who the fuck is she, Ben? Who is who? What the fuck are you talking about, Gabby? That time he did raise his voice. The girl! I was really losing it now. The girl the girl who youre fucking! He didnt say anything right away. Gabby, you losin your fuckin mind right now Another pause. Where are you? What the hell is all that noise? Dont change the fucking subject, Ben answer my question! Gabby, you have no idea the shit I am going through right now why, of all times, are you gonna pick this moment to start trippin out on me like a fuckin lunatic? Huh? Why? He wasnt holding anything back anymore. You of all people His voice trailed off. Me? I shouted back. I have done nothing but leave you the hell alone thats what you wanted right and now here I am, minding my own fucking business and this guy this..thisher boyfriendhe told me everything Ben! Everything! What are you talking about? He just kept repeating the same shit over and over again, I wanted to strangle him I racked my brain. Miguel! I shouted back at him. Miguel her fucking boyfriend, Ben! The mother of his son! Ben was silent. For far longer than necessary. Miguel? For some strange reason his tone fell then like something was finally making sense. Where are you, Gabby? Tell me what happened. Im at Buena Comida on the Drivethis guythis guy named Miguel, he What does he look like? Ben cut me off then. What? I was getting the worst head ache. I dont know Spanish guy, dark hair, kinda short, clean-cut Oh fuck, Gabby I heard Ben groan. Is he still there? Where are you who you with? No one! I shouted. Im by myself and yes hes still here, hes in the bar who the fuck is he, Ben? Shit. Ben was quiet for a moment. What did he say to you? I just fucking told you! I cant do this anymore Im going home. Youre just talking in circles anyway. And hes out there fucking waiting for me too NoGabby wait, dont hang up. Where are you right now? In the bar? I didnt understand why he was suddenly so goddamn concerned Im in the ladies room. Okay, dont leave yunderstand me? Stay right where you are, Im a call you back in exactly two minutes. What? Why? Just stay there, okay? Two minutes. I let my breath out. I couldnt argue anymore. And so I just stared blankly at the display screen on my phone until exactly one minute and 54 seconds later when his number popped back up on my phone. What? I picked up quickly. Im sendin someone to come pick you up.

What? I was beyond confused now. Nothing was making any sense anymore. What do you mean, pick me up? I just live up the street, Ben, and Im going home! No. Bens tone was steady and firm. Youre not leaving, Gabby, its not safe. Safe? I repeated. Ill explain when I see you, okay, I promise just dont leave. His tone had softened, the anger replaced with worry, stress, concern Well, why dont you just come? I wanted to know. Because Im an hour away, he said simply. I was so goddamn confused. So then whos coming to pick me up? Ben sighed. My brother. I was shocked. Ivan? Yeah, Ivan. So just stay right where you are. Hell call you I gave him your number.

Chapter Twenty-One I stepped out of the bathroom stall and stared at my reflection in the vanity mirror. I looked tireddrained I washed my hands, and dug through my bag for some hand lotion and my lipstick. My eyeliner was a little smudged, and as I was dabbing at it with a damp paper towel I heard my phone ringing yet again. Private number. But I already knew who it was. Fuck, Gabriela I muttered to myself as I brought my phone to my ear. Hello? Heyits IvanI understand you needin a ride. He was short and to the point. He sounded just like his brother. Apparently so, I answered. Im really sorry about all this Its no problem. He dismissed it. So where you at? Ben didnt tell you? Yeah, he told me Ill be there in five minutes, just thinkin it probably be best if you could slip out the back and Ill grab you in the alley His wording made me laugh softly, the ridiculousness of the entire situation still baffling me. Yeah, Ill see what I can do. There was a slight pause on Ivans end. You okay, though, right? YeahIm fine, I assured him. Awright, cool. Ill call you as soon as I pull up. Ivan was driving a silver VW Jetta I saw it idling right outside the back door as soon as Id managed to find the exit. I waited in the ladies room until he called me back, not wanting to risk running into Miguel again. I didnt want to hear anything else he had to say although the information Ben had provided me with wasnt doing much to make me feel any better either. I noticed Ivan reach across the front seat to open the passenger door for me and I climbed in next to him, feeling a rush of relief wash over me as soon as I did. He was dressed super casually in a pair of baggy sweat pants and a t-shirt. Hey I let my breath out. Thanks again, Ivan. Its all good So He gestured with his eyes back at the restaurant, as he backed his car up into the alley. Everything awright in there? I nodded. Yeah, I didnt see him again. Im surprised Ben called you for help. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. I live two blocks from here. I nodded slowly, understanding. Ivan, do you know whats going on because Ben isnt telling me anything and its really starting to piss me off. Ivan sighed, not saying anything right away. Well, I dont know much but I got a pretty good idea Oh! Hold on, Ivan, you should have turned right, Im at 16th sorry I didnt tell you. I interrupted him suddenly. Im not thinking straight right now Ivan hesitated slightly. My brother doesnt want me taking you home sorry. I stared back at him in shock. What? Why not? I dont know, but he sounded pretty serious, so

I dont fucking get this. I was shaking my head again. This was so fucking ridiculous So where are you taking me? To my place. Oh. Ben just wants you to wait for him there you dont haffe look so terrified, girlrelax. Ivan eyed me again briefly. Im fine. I tried my best to calm down. Then my head started turning again. Wait you said you know whats going on? I looked over at him then. Well, not really, but like I said, I got an idea, Ivan explained slowly. Miguel is Marias boyfriend yknow, Sophies mom. My jaw dropped. Maria? My mind was spinning. Ivan nodded, pulling the car to a stop in front of a duplex on Adanac. Yeahso am thinkin somethin musta gone down with Maria, and Ben must have taken Sophie. What? I stared back at him, as confused as ever. Why would he take Sophie? Ivan cut the engine and turned to me. Like I said, I dont know, but theres no way my brother gonna ask me to go pick you up in a public place to get you away from a guy that his own daughter gonna be sleepin in the same house with later tonight. Dont make sense, Gabriela. No, it didnt make sense. And yet I still had a thousand questions. Ivan looked distracted for a moment and then I saw him reach into his pocket and pull out his phone, which was buzzing. He glanced at the screen and then pulled it to his ear. Yo yeah, man, its all good I saw Ivan glance over at me then. Safe and soundawright, cool Hold up, let me talk to him, I cut in suddenly. She wanna talk to you, Ivan relayed the message. Awright, hold up I took Ivans phone and pulled it to my ear. Hey, where are you? Im just heading into the city. I could hear the sound of the highway. He sounded tired. Youre coming here? I wanted to know. Yes. He was quiet for a moment. Are you okay? Yes. I paused. Are you? There was silence again for another good moment and I waited. I could hear the open road in the background, which was strange. Ben never drove in silence. No Im not, he answered finally. I followed Ivan up the porch steps and waited as he unlocked the front door. Sorry bout the messmy kids was here after school today, he apologized, as he led me into the front landing, which opened up to an L-shaped open-concept living room, dining room and kitchen. There were books and papers strewn across the dining room table but the living room looked more than decent by my standards sleekly furnished with a brown suede sectional, colourful accent pillows, a massive mahogany wall-unit displaying an impressive amount of books and some strategically placed framed photos and some funky art-work. It was obvious this home had a female touch

Nice place I complimented him as I kept looking around, spotting a few of Bens mothers framed photographs on the walls as well. Angela appeared then from around the corner, coming from the kitchen. It was somewhat refreshing to see her barefoot, in a pair of calf-length tights and an over-sized t-shirt, her pretty red hair pulled up into a messy pony-tail and not a lick of make-up on. I wished she always looked like that Hi Gabriela, she addressed me casually, if not somewhat awkwardly. Everything okay? She glanced over at Ivan then. I figured she had already been given a brief run-down of what had happened. Ivan tossed his keys on the table in the landing. Yeah, baby, its all good, he assured her easily and then gave her a little kiss on the forehead as he moved past her, heading toward the kitchen. What you drinkin, Gabriela? He called back at me, beckoning the two of us into the kitchen with him. I followed nervously behind Angela into the kitchen. Im fine, Ivan, thanks, I assured him. I feel pretty ridiculous imposing you guys like this It was nearly 11 pm by then. They may have already been in bed for all I knew. Ivan just sucked his teeth at that, giving me a little look. Come on now you aint imposing, I promise youso what were you knockin back at the bar? He was pulling open the pantry above the refrigerator, which appeared to be a heavily stocked liquor cabinet. Margaritas? Sangria? Beer? Whats your poison? I couldnt help a little laugh. Tequila. Ohhh...wowits ya lucky day He reached further into the stack of bottles and pulled out a half empty bottle of Don Weber. Angela had stepped over to the counter, removing a few dirty dishes and placing them into the sink, but glanced over at Ivan then. Whoaseriously? She gave him a disapproving glance. She looked even more uncomfortable than I felt Relax, Angie, Ivan dismissed her with a little affectionate smile, and then turned back to me. Have a seat, Gabriela. If you want, Ill do one with you. He set the bottle on the kitchen table and headed back to the cabinet for some glasses. You toss em back straight, right? AhhhI guess. On occasion. I pulled out a chair. But I thinkI mean I glanced back over at Angela then. Considering the awkwardness of this whole situation, it would probably be a good idea if we all did oneor three, I added. And with that, I saw a little flicker of a smile cross Angelas lips. Cool. Im in. She sank down on a chair across the table from me. Along with the three shot glasses, Ivan joined us at the table with a lime, a sharp knife and the salt shaker, deciding we ought to do it right. We all swung back the first round with little trouble, but after tossing back the second, Angela shook her head in discomfort and choked a bit on her wedge of lime. Okay. Im out. Ivan laughed. Aww cmon, Angie, he teased her. You said that before we even started.

No, for real, Ivan She insisted, still recovering from the tequila. Whats Ben gonna think when he shows up here and were all sittin around the table gettin tanked? It was a good question, I had to admit it myself. I was beginning to feel quite tipsy myself, after the shots Id already done back at the bar. But Ivan just sucked his teeth. Fuck. He grabbed the bottle and refilled all three glasses. He can join usit probably do him some good. Miguel told me Ben was still sleeping with Maria. I just blurted it out casually as I grabbed a new wedge of lime, rubbed it against the back of my hand and grabbed the salt shaker. Angelas eyes went wide at my random outburst but Ivan just laughed and sucked his teeth. You believe him? he challenged, taking my cue and following suit with the lime and the salt. Its a pretty wild accusation, Ill admit that, I said. The two of us tossed back the tequila in unison. Angelas remained untouched. Yeah, but do you believe him? Ivan repeated. I opened my mouth to answer, but then I stopped myself. I had no idea what I believed anymore. Angela looked like she wanted to say something but was staying silent deliberately. I really wished she hadnt given up on the tequila so prematurely. My mind was running in so many directions and had been already for over 24 hours, but the realization that I was now sitting at a table among two people that knew Ben a hell of a lot better than I did was suddenly hitting me hard. Ivan was his brother, his blood, his family he had been his best friend his entire life until only a few years agoand AngelaAngela knew him in the most intimate way. Ben had loved her, fucked her, hed lived with her, hed wanted to marry herand here was I. What did I, or could I possibly even know about Ben, that could even hold a candle to the two of these people here in front of me? Whatever was going on with Ben was a complete fucking mystery to me. Ben hadnt come to me or confided in me or needed anything from me. He had been there for me in every possible way when it came to my mom, to the apartment, to Laz but what good was I to him? I wanted to cry Okay, fuck it. Angelas voice cut through the silence then, as she apparently had changed her mind, and was downing the tequila in one quick shot. She made a face and set the glass back down. Ben and Maria were never even that serious. They hung out for a few months Maria got pregnant and Ben decided to try to do the right thing it was Her voice trailed off for a moment. It was an attempt on his part of trying to make something out of nothing. He loves his daughter very much, Gabriela, but I would bet my entire Joni Mitchell collection that hes not fucking Maria. Nobody said anything for a good few seconds. I let my breath out slowly. You like Joni Mitchell? It was funny how that was the first thing I processed out of her revelation. Of course. Who doesnt? Ivan sucked his teeth at the two of us. Yall ladies like to trip out over nothing. Yeah, well, sometimes its warranted, Angela pointed out, and I couldnt help but think about what she may have been referring to.

The three of us sat around the kitchen table and polished off the rest of the bottle while we waited for Ben, and the conversation seemed to flow a little more freely as we all got a little hammered in the process. I decided to ask the questions since I didnt feel like answering many myself. Angela, I learned, was a nail-tech at a salon on East Broadway it paid the bills, as she put it. I realized that made sense, considering she had a beautifully coiffed french-tipped manicure, which I had been noticing for a while already. What impresses you in a woman? ...Pretty hands It was the first thing I thought of when she mentioned it. Why was I so fucking jealous? She was, however, taking night classes twice a week at UBC, trying to get her degree in social work. It stung a bit. She was actually trying to do something with her life make a difference, as she put it even though it would never make her rich, but that was what Ivan was for. Ha ha. Ivan, as Ben had mentioned to me before, was a mechanic and co-owner of Martins Autoshop over on East Hastings and Boundary Road. Hed also played professional soccer and was a member of the Whitecaps for four years, but had to retire after fucking up his knee during a playoff match about ten years ago He coached now, though some kids at the Grandview Community Club and his kids both played as well, although Levi was currently more interested in partying, sleeping, chasing girls and just generally fucking around than anything else, but hopefully hed come around again Oh, and Ivan was also a vegetarian. Well, aside from the occasional piece of fish and maybe some fried chicken, Angela clarified, chewing on her wedge of lime. Ivan narrowed his eyes at her and I laughed softly. I guess you wouldnt eat Bens cooking then, I said. Ivan just sucked his teeth. Depends what he make am not that rude, yknowunlike him. He think all vegetarians are a buncha fuckin idiots. Those are his exact words direct quote. That made me laugh. Yeah, I could see him saying that. Thats one thing I miss, Angela was reminiscing. Waking up on a Sunday morning and fryin up a pan of bacon, drenchin it in some maple syrup and watchin a Coronation Street marathon on PBS I cracked up laughing but Ivan just sucked his teeth in disgust. Ysee, that right there is what can keep a lady single for lifeif I ever woke up and saw that shit I dont think I could come home again for at least a monthfi real. Angela rolled her eyes at him. Youd be home by bed-time, she dismissed him easily. And then the sound of the doorbell seemed to sober us all up in a heartbeat or so I thought. Ivan got up to answer it. Angela and I turned awkwardly silent yet again. I waited, listening, as I heard the sound of the front door unlatching, and their voices muffled slightly by the half-wall separating us. Ivan was the first to step back into the kitchen, but Ben was right behind him. I felt like I hadnt seen him in a week but of course it had only been about 30 hours or so. He looked as good as he always did but there was something different about him. Something in his face. In his eyes. As many questions as I had about what was going on what the hell had happened, was happening, and would happen in the future I was starting to become afraid to know.

He nodded his chin at the empty bottle of tequila and all the juiced and sucked up lime wedges strewn across the table. Whats all this? Just did some shots to ease the tension. You want one? Angela offered, even though the bottle was empty. No, not really. Ben glanced at me then. So you waan tell us whappen or what? Ivan cut to the chase. Wheres Sophie? Ben dropped down onto the kitchen chair next to me and leaned over the table, holding his head for a good ten seconds. Fuck He let his breath out suddenly and then just leaned back in the chair. Shes at my place. Adam and his girlfriend are stayin there with her until I get back. Wheres Maria? Angela asked. I have no fuckin idea. Ben was quiet for a moment. I picked Sophie up from school yesterday because Maria ask me to take her andSophie she just start tellin me all this shit about how she doesnt waan go home why cant she just come live wit me and I just dont even know what to say she never talk like that before soI told her we should take a walk to the duck pond on Granville Island, yknow, I figure she likes it there and maybe shell open up more so I can figure out where the fuck all this is coming fromshe starts goin on about Miguel, yknow Hes always mean to me, He tells me Im bad and he doesnt like meI ask her if he ever hit her or hurt her and she says no but he hits my mommy all the time Awwhell no Ivan sucked his teeth, cutting Ben off in mid-sentence. Fuck that shit, Ben lets go. That motherfucker probably still sittin gettin pissed at the bar right now. Ivan, are you crazy? Angela piped up immediately. Ben just sucked his teeth. Believe meit crossed my mind. He paused. After she told me that I just took her straight back to Pops and Sally I know that fuckin prick works nights so I go straight to Marias place. She dont wanna open the door, yknow, she keeps the fuckin chain on and tells me shes sick and I just keep telling her I know whats going on, I know because Sophie told me, and so eventually she lets me in and His voice trailed off then, and he just shook his head slowly. I never seen anything like that in my lifefuck, I meanshe was just covered in bruisesblack eyefuckin handprints on her fuckin arm seven months pregnant. Shes cryingsobbingI just start beggin her to just leave, to come with me, to get the fuck out of there, to call the police at that point am almost in tears myself, am practically on my knees just pleading with herI dont even give a fuck anymoreuntilI dont knowsomehow eventually she agrees so I help her pack a bag and she comes with me and I take her home with meshe wants us to pick up Sophie but I wont do it cause I cant have her see her like thatand by this morning hes already calling her. She promised me she wouldnt answer she wont talk to him but not more than like two hours later I hear her in the bathroom, I guess she called him or somethingSally took Sophie to school so I told Maria to just sleep and rest and not to fucking leave I wouldnt be gone long, and I promised her Id bring Sophie back after school, but He shook his head slowly. By the time I got back from seeing my lawyer she was already gone. Havent seen her since. Listening to him sent a cold shiver up my spine but I did my best to stay composed. I dont think she went back to him not yet anyway, I said then. At least thats what Miguel told me. That she was with you. Ben looked at me, just taking in my words in silence.

Ben, right now you cant worry about Maria shes a grown woman, shes gonna do whatever she wants, Angela said then. You cant change that, you just have to make sure you keep Sophie safe. What your lawyer say? Ivan wanted to know. Ben didnt say anything right away, just stared straight ahead. I told him I want full custody emergency petition or something I dont know, he workin on it for me. We never did have anything set up legally so he said that will probably make things easier for me. He was quiet for a moment. The last thing Id ever want is to keep Sophie from her mother but what other fuckin choice do I have? Even as she sat there with me last night black and blue and completely fucked up by that Puerto Rican piece-a-shit she still tried to make excuses for himtellin me he never did anything like this beforehes just stressedhe drinks too muchhes gonna get help fuck. Ben sucked his teeth in disgust. You know, you right, Ivan lets me an you go help that motherfucker right now He pushed his chair back suddenly, moving to get up. I was near panic now. No! Angela said again. You cant do that! What you gonna do? Go beat him up and get both your asses thrown in jail? Then what happens to Sophie, huh? Ahhfuck it Ivan groaned in obvious reluctance. You know, she right Benjamin. But if you waan I can just go take him out myself I dont mind. Stop it, Ivan. Angela again. No one here is thinking clearly right now. The images rolling through my head in that moment, however, seemed clear as day. I must have been about Sophies age maybe a little older and we were in the thick of the summer heat in Sao Paulo only a few weeks after New Years, as I still had the bright yellow feathered boa my mother bought me at the fireworks celebration in town wrapped around my bedpost. Lazaro and I were in our bedroom, both of us in just our underwear as we lay on our twin mattresses that were stripped bare of even a sheet to cover us, the small electric fan our mother had circulating along the wall doing nothing but assaulting us with an even heavier wave of that sticky humid air. Neither of us could sleep. The sound of Raouls drunken voice vibrated straight through the concrete walls. The smack of his hand hitting flesh. My mothers sobs Have you ever smelled his breath in the morning? Lazaro had whispered to me, through the steady hum of the fan. Im pretty sure if I struck a match, his whole head would blow up into flames. I thought about that for a moment. Then you really would have killed a dragon. I got up suddenly. I think I need some air, I addressed all three of them, but then immediately grabbed the back of my chair to steady myself. The tequila had obviously gotten the best of me. I saw Ben glance over at me. Ill be back. I stepped out onto the porch and fished in my bag for my cigarettes. It took me a while as I navigated through all the crap Id bought at the shop earlier I heard the door open behind me about a minute later and Ben was beside me. Hey His voice was soft. Ill take you home, Gabby. I shook my head. I dont want to go home. I turned to look at him. Im sorry for the things I said before on the phone the way I talked to you and

Its okay. Ben cut me off gently. You dont look so good, though. How much you been drinking? I sighed. Im fine, I dismissed it, then thought for a moment. So where were you tonight? You said you were like an hour away Maple Ridge, he said then. I just went to check a friend after I put Sophie to bed needed someone to talk to. Oh. I thought about that. What about me? I wanted to ask, but I didnt. Which friend? He hesitated, giving me this look that said he really didnt want to tell me. Amira. My heart fell immediately. What? Ben sighed. Please dont do this again, Gabby, he practically pleaded with me. She works for CPS I needed some advice. I dont know what the hell am gonna do. So when I called you she was right there? I was mortified. And starting to get angry as irrational as that was. Everything was just too much Ben leaned back against the porch railing. What do you want me to say? He looked at me closely, just staring me down. I dont want to fight with you. And I have to get home too soits late. Lets just go. I dont want to go home, Ben. I said it again as soon as he pulled the Escalade away from the curb next to Ivan and Angelas house. It was now well past midnight. Cant I just come stay with you tonight? He didnt say anything right away. He stared out at the road in front of him and I tried to read his expression but it was hard in the darkness. And the silence was almost deafening. Then he glanced over at me briefly. Lets just take a drive first. I had no idea what he meant or what he had in mind but I just stayed quiet as he headed up East Hastings towards downtown, crossing back through Chinatown, until we neared the foot of Gastown and the shipyard on Waterfront Road. He pulled his car up along the Main Street Dock and in a secluded spot next to Portside Park he finally parked and cut the engine. What are we doing here? I wondered aloud finally. He looked over at me finally. Just pull your seat up all the way and get in the back. My eyes went wide in shock at his sudden command. I knew he wasnt in much of a talkative mood, so a drive had seemed quite puzzling to me, but I had no idea this is what he had in mind. Even still, I felt my blood rush through me suddenly and a warm tingle although hesitant and somewhat fearful settle between my legs. You mean I didnt move. Like this, baby. And he reached under his seat and pulled the handle, yanking it forward as far as he could and then flung open the door and hopped out. By the time Id followed suit and slid in the back seat with him, he had already unbuckled Sophies booster seat and was tossing it over the back rest and into the trunk. What are you doing? I asked cautiously yet again. But Ben wasnt wasting any time. His hand was already on his buckle, unclasping. The waist of his boxer-briefs peeked out as they always did. Today they were Calvin, but they were usually Ralph Lauren or DKNY. His off days were always Calvin I want your mouth, baby.

He was on his knees next to me, and he ran the palm of his hand up across his belly then, pushing his t-shirt up to his chest, showing me those gorgeous flat muscles, that trail of dark black hair that ran down from his navel and under the waist of his Calvins. The bulge between his legs was already more than visible. He slid his thumb over my chin. I miss those pretty lips. Fuck, he knew just how to get me going. But this wasnt like Ben at all. This forward. This pushy. Commanding. Just pulling me in the back seat and demanding a blow job? Seriously? Part of me just wanted to tell him to fuck off But then his hand reached inside and he pulled that gorgeous thick brown cock out still half-flaccid, but still so impressively and beautifully huge, I couldnt help but suck my breath in in delight as he gently ran the head across my cheek. He smelled like a mixture of soap, Bounce dryer sheets and a full days worth of confinement and it was intoxicating. My pussy got wet immediately, realizing Amira hadnt been anywhere near it Were like three blocks from the police station I whispered, as he teased my lips with his cock, staring down at me and wetting his lips. These windows are well-tinted, Gabby. He grabbed hold of himself and smacked my lips a few times, stroking himself to his full engorged size within seconds. He attacked my throat then, going deep, and not holding anything back, and I let him take it, moaning softly as he gagged me over and over again. He groaned loudly as he filled me, grabbing the back of my head, fucking me with such force, like his life depended on it. I had never experienced this rawness from him if it had been anyone else, and not the man that I knew and loved and ached so badly for in every single way, I would have felt cheap. Used. An object of his selfish desires. But I didnt care. This was Ben. I would give him whatever he wanted. Oh fuck, baby I gasped as I pulled back, needing to catch my breath. My jaw and my lips were in a numbing, aching pain. My pussy was so wet, I felt my panties sticking to me, suffocating me. I needed release so badly, I was practically swimming in my own juices. You make me so wet, I whispered, wanting him to take my implied cue, willing him to touch me with my eyes, as they practically pleaded with him. Ben groaned again, as he pulled his slick wet throbbing cock from my mouth, squeezing the head between his fingers, and teasing me with a drop of semen on the tip of my tongue. You want me to fuck that wet pussy, Gabby? he growled at me in barely more than a whisper. But it hit every sense in my body. Yes, I gasped desperately. Get on your back, he ordered me then. And put your leg up here, he added, slapping the back rest. I did as he asked, my dress bunching up around my waist as Ben quickly slipped his jeans off and straddled my one thigh, pushing my other leg further up in the air. He didnt bother to pull my panties off he just tugged the strip of material to the side roughly with his fingers. He spread my lips apart, staring down at me hungrily, and pushed two fingers inside my dripping cunt. I groaned at the sensation. But as he slid them in and out a few times, slipping deep inside the slick wet flesh, he still didnt seem satisfied, so he leaned over and spit on my pussy not once, but twice and I shuddered in waiting agony, as his fingers went back to work between my legs, then stroking and wetting up his cock with our mixture of juices, preparing himself for my pussy.

He held the base of his cock and began just teasing me with it, rubbing the head up over my clit and back down again, the sensations just pulsing through me, attacking me so deeply, and pulling me into such a hypnotic trance. And then his cock slid deep inside me and he let out a low groan from the back of his throat. Fuck He grabbed onto my leg to steady himself and stared down at where our bodies joined in that slippery, wet pool of pleasure, that was just pulsating between us so steadily. He just kept watching my pussy, his cock his eyes not veering from that spot. He began to fuck me harder deeper. I was moaning, his depth and size pushing me to the precipice of my threshold of pain again and again and again. I grabbed my aching breasts and squeezed. They were still trapped uncomfortably under my bra and my dress and I tugged at them, trying to free them again and again staring back at Ben, silently pleading and begging for him to come suck them, to come kiss me, touch me hell, even just look at me. Look at me, baby FuckBenplease I moaned, my voice trailing off, as he just kept fucking me in, out, in, out attacking my insides, ravaging me, his eyes still glued to that one spot. And then, without warning, I just felt his body tense. He sucked his breath in and just let out this deep, almost animalistic groan and he grabbed his cock so smoothly, pulled out in a mere second, and I watched as he emptied himself onto my belly, his eyes suddenly shutting a brief look of almost pain as it crossed his face, and then vanishing just as quickly. And then it was over. I didnt move. I couldnt. My body was still on fire still needing release still aching for him. And he was finished? I was shocked. I couldnt move. Ben didnt say anything. Eventually he just eased my leg down slowly and fell down onto the seat beside me, running his fingers back through his dreads, letting his breath out slowly. I grabbed the hem of my dress and pulled it back down over my legs quickly. The entire scene suddenly replayed in my mind in a whole new light. And everything about it suddenly felt wrong really wrong. If I hadnt been there to see it with my own eyes, I would have never believed it had actually happened. Not Ben I sat up next to him, adjusting my panties awkwardly, the wetness on my belly sticking to the fabric of my dress. I would have to remember to spot clean it as soon as I got home. It was dry-clean only Fuck What the hell was that? I demanded suddenly, Ben still not speaking. He glanced at me then. What is it now, Gabby? He actually looked annoyed. I have a lot on my mind and all you seem to wanna do is pick fights with me. What the fuck is your problem? My jaw dropped. The contempt in his voice sent a chill up my spine. Im not picking a fight with you, Ben, but when you go and park your car and force me into the back seat and use me and fuck me like some cheap ass ten-dollar whore, I think you owe me a bit of an explanation! Bens eyes went wide at that but then he just sucked his teeth. I cyan deal wit your shit right now, girl, he said, pulling his jeans on quickly. And you wonder why I cant tell you anythingfuck He couldnt have gotten dressed quickly enough, I noted as I watched him, still too stunned to make any sense of what was happening

We drove in silence. I didnt say another word and neither did he. And I knew then that he never had any intention of having me come spend the night with him. Fucking me on the side of the road had been my consolation prize, his way of letting me down easy And so as he pulled up in front of my apartment to drop me off, it didnt come as any surprise to me. I grabbed my handbag but stopped short before opening the door to get out. I glanced over at Ben, but his eyes were just staring out the front windshield. I took a deep breath, as I fought back the tears threatening to fall. Whatever you do, Benkeep Sophie safe. If that means cutting off Maria completely then so be it. I can only imagine how things might have been different for me if my dad came to save me back then. I kept my voice as steady as I could but looked straight ahead. I saw Ben glance over at me then out of the corner of my eye. Shes seen enough. Dont let her see any more. I flung the car door open and left without another word.

Chapter Twenty-Two Three weeks. It was the amount of time that could go by in the blink of an eye or drag on in an eternal time warp, depending on the situation. When Ben and I had first met, three weeks seemed to pass by in a blissful fog being with him seemed to stop time and make it pass by in a heartbeat all in the same breath. The three weeks that had passed since hed broken up with me, on the other hand, was just an endless continuum of pain, hurt, and an unbearable sadness that I had never felt before. The truth was, I had never had any real boyfriends any real relationships that went beyond just passing flings or casual sex buddies. I had never had any problems meeting men that wanted to fuck me and in its own small way it gave me a sense of validation that I was attractive, I had sex appeal, I could turn a man on and keep him coming back for more at least for a while. But what Ben had given me went beyond any other relationship I had ever known. He had pulled me into his world, and allowed me to pull him into mine. I had felt a connection and a closeness and a need for him that was so strong and so deep and it went so far beyond the sex, although the physical void that he had left me with was an agonizing pain all on its own. The actual break-up didnt happen in the car the night hed fucked me in the backseat near the shipyards. It happened two days later, although we hadnt spoken in between then either. He hadnt called or texted and I refused to give in either. What he had done had hurt me and I wasnt ready to let it go that easily but I did realize the stress he was under. By the next day, when the reality of what Ben had been enduring and dealing with, all in the span of the past 24 hours, really hit me I couldnt hold his actions against him anymore. But I still wasnt ready to call. Avoiding him at work hadnt been that hard for those two days. He obviously hadnt been interested in seeing me either, and even though I knew he was back at the restaurant, I kept my distance. The text he did finally send me came mid-afternoon on Wednesday. When his name popped up on the screen, my heart leapt immediately, and I almost choked on my cup of coffee. <Can I see you later?> My body immediately eased and I even smiled to myself as I sat at my desk. I hit reply. <Yes. Where and when?> <Meet me at my car and Ill give you a ride home.> And that was it. I practically counted the seconds until 5 pm. Seeing him again had felt so good. I smiled when I saw him approach I just couldnt help myself. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go But Ben held back. He didnt look at me the same way. I heard him unlock the car and step around to the drivers side to get in so I just hopped in beside him and waited. How are you, Gabby? He didnt move to start the engine. Im okay, I said quickly. How about you? Hows things with Sophie whats happening with that? Ive been worried butI just figured if you needed me you would call. He nodded slowly. Shes still with me. Marias back at her house and she told me Miguel is staying with a friend for now while they figure shit out, but I dont believe her. He

hesitated, thinking. Im just taking it day by day and doin what I have to do what else can I do, right? I nodded, watching him. What are you doing with her when youre working? Whos watching her? Sally mostly. Shes picking her up after school and brings her to the restaurant by about seven and she hangs out here with me until we go home. Its too late for her, though, so am workin on gettin someone to stay at the house I was thinkingI mean, I get two nights a week now, I cut in suddenly. I could stay with her those days, Ben, give Sally a bit of a break I dont mind. I would enjoy it actually, spending time with Sophie He didnt say anything to that. He just looked back at me with that same expression on his face that was beginning to scare the shit out of me. It reminded me of what a doctor would look like about to break the news to a patient that she was dying I cant do that. He finally spoke and his voice was eerily quiet. Why not? I wanted to know. Arent you the one that told me its stupid to turn down help when you need it? I remember, believe me, because you were right and I was stubborn. I dont know what I would have done if you hadnt been there for me. He didnt say anything again for the longest time. It was getting pretty ridiculous, this insane amount of silence between us. I didnt fucking get it Gabby He turned towards me in his seat then, running his hand over his head and resting his elbow on the steering wheel. You know how I feel about you I was confused. No, actually, I dont, I admitted. He didnt say anything to that. What I did the other daythat was wrong and Im sorry, Gabby. His voice was so quiet again. You didnt deserve that, I was justIm having a real hard time with this shit, and maybe I dont handle stress right I dont know but Im used to always being in control, thats the only way I know how to function especially when things are so fucked up and right now, the only thing I can focus on is gettin shit back under control thats all I know how to doand thats the only way Im gonna be able to do what I need to do for Sophiefor myselffor my fucking restaurant that falls to fucking pieces if am not aroundand I cant afford that especially not now and I just What are you trying to say, Ben? My heart was beating furiously. I could see the pain in his eyes and it was killing me. Fuck, Gabbythe truth is that I cant control anything when it comes to youand I shouldnt have tobut you just His voice trailed off again, almost like he was fighting with himself with what he was trying to say. Right nowwith everything going onI just cant do this. Me and you. It takes too much out of me and the last thing I ever wanna do is hurt you, but thats all am gonna end up doing right now Wait. I found my voice and cut him off. What is this? Are youare you breaking up with me? Is that what this is? Im confused. And it was a fair statement. Id never experienced it before. He stared back at me, taking in my words in silence. It truly looked like he didnt want to say it it almost gave me a glimmer of hope but it was fleeting. Hed already said it. What ifI meanwhat if we just slowed down, Ben? My head was spinning, racing, turningagain and againthere had to be another way. Any other way. I mean, like the way things were with Amira and you that was easy, right? That didnt cause you any stress. I couldnt even believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

But Ben just shook his head slowly. I could never do that to you, Gabriela. And I wont. Well why the fuck not? I was losing it now. Wouldnt it be easier than just never seeing me again? Never kissing me or touching me or making love to me ever againever Ben? Really? I was shaking. I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. And thats when he looked away. He leaned over the steering wheel and dropped his head onto his arms. He couldnt bear to look at me anymore. I could feel it. And it nearly killed me. I caught my breath and just stared back at him, as he lifted his head up slowly and leaned all the way back in his seat, just staring out the front windshield yet again. I wanted to just lean over and wrap my arms around him and never let go nearly as much as I wanted to just lunge on him and punch him in the face. Dont you think you could have decided all this shit before you made me fall in love with you? My voice was barely more than a whisper, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, and I was regretting every word, his face turned and his eyes locked with mine. Gabby What? I shot back quickly still hoping and praying that he would take it all back and this whole nightmare would come to an immediate end. You never said it back. I know that. I wiped at my tears again. I guess I should have realized it then but I justI guess Im not that good at keeping shit to myself, I justI say everything that I feel and you always said thats what you liked best about me so I guess I thought thatyou knowmaybe you would appreciate my honestymaybe that was what could make you love me too My voice broke then. I was done. I was beyond done. I just wanted him to say something Ben met my eyes once more. And then he finally spoke. Love is a very complicated thing, Gabriela He paused, and then turned and stared back out the front window. And this thing between you and meits too much for methat should tell you something... His eyes fell then. But you dont love me, Gabby. And if you do, you shouldnt. I just made a mistakeand I got into something that Im just not ready for. Im sorry. His words were so final. And they stung so deep. He couldnt even look at me anymore. Id never known this kind of pain. And now he was just gonna drive me home? Fuck that. I opened the passenger door and just got out, slamming it hard behind me, and I refused to look back. And so three weeks to the day later, there I was. Alone. And in so much pain it took every ounce of strength I had to function. But somehow I did. I had to. I had my mother and I had my job. Two things that in all honesty gave me very little joy anymore, but it was all I had, and if I lost either of them I wouldnt know what to do with myself. Maybe jump off a bridge. Or spike my mothers tea and then polish off the rest of the pills myself As soon as that thought came, though, I called Tony. I was fucking losing it. And I had respite that night, which in that moment was a terrible combination. I told you a thousand times already, Gabby, you need to just come out with me and Matt shake ya ass with us at Celebrities that fuckin stank-assed shit-faced nigga didnt deserve you anyway.

Oh Tony. He really knew how to lay it on thick. I had so many new names for Ben, I couldnt keep them straight anymore. I cant go to the gay bar with you again, Tony. The whole place just depresses me. How is that even possible? Its the happiest place on earth. No, Tony, its a straight girls version of sexual hell. Sostaying home and eating buckets of Chunky Monkey and watchin Beaches over and over again in a pair of dirty pjamas is gonna get you laid? Tony wanted to know. I dont wanna get laid My voice trailed off. Then the gay bar is the place for you! Tony chirped. Well pick you up at eight. Well pre-drink it at Spuntinos. He drives a Chevy Spectrum but Ill make sure he parks it underground somewhere. Sitting in my office at work during the week is what really killed me. Just knowing he was less than 30 feet from me behind the concrete wall that separated the travel agency from the restaurant was absolute agony. All I wanted was to see him, to see if he was okaydidnt he miss me? Even just a little bit? Maybe if he saw me he would remember how much he needed me. Maybe all I needed to do was walk into the restaurant like I did that very first day four months ago and step up to the counter to order my lunch and he would walk out, carrying that fucking tray of patties, but this time instead of just casually sliding them onto the hot-cart rack he would lose his grip and they would go flying to the ground and he wouldnt care, he wouldnt even notice, instead he would just step around the counter and pull me close and wrap his arms around me and tell me how much he loved me Gabby! I quickly minimized the window open on my computer screen. I was stalking his facebook page again. Why the hell didnt anything ever happen on it? Why couldnt he just update his status so I could read between the lines and agonize over what it meant for the rest of the day? What the fuck else was I supposed to do with myself? He hadnt unfriended me, though. That was a good sign. Or maybe, just as he paid no attention to his facebook page in general, he hadnt even noticed Gabby, I think we need to have a talk. It was Tammy. She didnt look too happy either. Oh. Sure. Im sorry, I was just checking something I said pathetically. I got about three emails this week alone from some of your clients. She sighed, just staring me down. A four hour layover in Panama City? When there is a direct flight to Lima that would cost nearly four-hundred dollars less if they left a day later? How could you not give them the option? This is exactly why everyone books online nowadays what use are we to our clients if we arent providing any real benefit? I think if it would save me four-hundred dollars I would spend two hours out of my busy schedule to book my own vacation too. Wouldnt you? How the hell would I know? Id never even taken a fucking vacation. Im sorry, I know. I just saw that cancellation this morning the flight was actually fully booked as of yesterday. Ill call the Johnsons back right away. Johnsons? Tammy glanced down at the print-out of her email. This here says Thomas Boreman. But its funny that you should mention Johnson, because I have an email

from Susan Johnson that says shes been waiting for a reply on her itinerary since last week Friday. I noticed Jeannine looking uncomfortable at our exchange from her desk across the room. Or maybe it was just the black velvet choker and pendant that was strangling her. Shed been tugging at it all morning I nodded. I know. Again, Im sorry. If you forward me their emails Ill make sure to take care of everything this afternoon. Gabby, I dont know whats going on with you, but Im not sure we can keep this up for much longer. I know youve been having a hard time with your mother these past few months and Ive really tried to be more than understanding believe me, when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and we had to fly her down to Arizona for chemo, and Jim and I had to watch the girls for her, believe me my head was in the clouds, I didnt know if I was coming or going, so yes, I know what youre going through. Tammy did her best attempt at looking empathetic. But the only way to get through it sometimes is to just focus on the things you can control, like your work. Because you are more than capable. I wouldnt have hired you if I thought otherwise. I just nodded again and kept my mouth shut. Tammy stared me down for a good moment. Im going to give you an opportunity to remedy this, Gabriela. But if we have to have this conversation again, it wont end the same way. So pleasepull yourself together. I will. Okay. Go grab yourself a coffee and regroup. I could use a cappuccino myself. Jeannine, you want anything? Gabbys gonna make a coffee run. I stepped out into the back alley with their order and fished through my bag for my cigarettes. Bens Escalade was in its stall behind the restaurant. I saw it nearly every day and every time it made me almost burst into tears. The reality of the situation was finally hitting me. I was going to have to look for a new job and not just because Tammy was on the verge of firing me. Every single thing around me reminded me of him. And the worst part was that even when I went home there was no escape. The apartment I lived in had Bens name written all over it too I took a deep breath and started walking. But before Id even made it past his car I heard the remote lock go off and the headlights flash. And then the back door of the restaurant swung open and there he was. It was strange because in over three weeks we had managed to not run into each other even once. And now because of Tammy and her fucking insistence on turning me into her errand girl, even that had failed me. He looked so handsome, like a painting or a photographI would have sold my soul to have him to myself again I steeled myself though. There was no way I was breaking down again. Our eyes locked immediately, but as it was so often, I couldnt read his expression. He walked slowly toward me and his car. Hey. Hi, I managed. I was justgoing for coffee I gestured up the alley and just started to walk again.

Wait a second His voice pulled me back. I turned around. How you doing, Gabby? That was it? Im fine. Hows your mom? Shes fine. He raised his eyebrows at me, questioningly. You sure? Fuck, if I didnt get out of there soon I was going to start to scream Yes, Im sure, I repeated. He nodded slowly, just watching me. I stared back at him, waiting. Is thisis this conversation going anywhere or can I just? I gestured pathetically again. He bit his bottom lip for a moment, still staring me down. Its just nice seeing you, thats all, he told me quietly. What the fuck did that mean? Okaythanksyou too, Ben, I stammered. I should probably go so He nodded again. Okayjust He hesitated for a moment, like he was debating what he wanted to say. You know, if you ever need anything My eyes went wide in confusion. Need anything? I couldnt let that one go. Need what? What the hell does that mean? He let his breath out. I dont know, Gabby. I stared back at him, completely confounded. I just meanin general, yknow He paused. I guess thats just my natureold habits die hard. I swallowed. Well, thanks for the gesture, Ben, but I think I do a pretty good job of taking care of myself. Lies. All lies But Ben kept his eyes locked on mine. Yeah, I know you do. He sounded like he meant it. It was a small victory perhaps. I nodded. Ill I stumbled over my words again though. Ill see you later, Ben. I turned and headed up the alley then and the only consolation I took with me was that in my rush out of the office, I had forgotten to swap out my knee-high brown-suede heels for my mid-calf flats. If anything, I hoped as he watched me walk away that a small part of him still wished he could fuck the shit out of me just one more time So what happened to your boyfriend? Why wont you talk to me about it? I was in the kitchen trying to cook dinner, and my mother was in her housecoat, her wheelchair pushed up against the kitchen table, as she absentmindedly skimmed through the newspaper, while simultaneously distracting me with random articles she came across. She was always fascinated with crime for some reason it excited the hell out of her. But now she decided to get personal. Theres nothing to say really, I shrugged it off. We just decided it wasnt working out. No real reason. Youve never been a good liar, Gabriela, I dont know why you are attempting it now.

I heard her turn another page. I turned back to the garlic I was mincing for my Greek salad dressing. I sprinkled it with some salt and began to mash it into a paste with the back of my knife. Ben was always notorious for giving me little tips and tricks like that. As much as I hated to admit it, they seemed to come in handy a lot Mama, Im not talking about this with you. Why not? It will help to get it out you cant keep it inside. Was it another woman? Be honest. I sighed. No, Mama. That you know of, she threw out casually. No. Well, youre heartbroken. That I can see. I sighed, slicing down through the middle of a massive red onion. I kept my back to her, telling myself I would blame the tears on the onion if she noticed. But as usual, my eyes had welled up long before that He answered on the fifth ring. I had almost hung up when I realized the time difference made it after 11 pm in Montreal. But his voice didnt sound sleepy when he answered. HeyLaz. Its Gabby. Heywhats up, Gab? Is everything okay? His voice was immediately laced with concern. Yeahno, everythings fine. Im sorry, I didnt realize it was so late for you. Ohyeah, its cool, I was actually just rehearsing. Andrea and the boys are in Joliette with her parents for the weekend. That must be nice for you. Surprised youre staying in, I teased him. Shouldnt you be out drinkin with the boys or something? He sighed. NahIm an old married guy, remember? Most of the guys lost my number years ago... I laughed. Well, as long as youre fine with it then hey My voice trailed off. So what are you rehearsing? Its a contemporary piece by Phillip Glass. You heard of him? No, I admitted. You should look him up. You can find almost all his music online. I pulled my mothers afghan tighter up around me as I curled up on our ratty, sagging sofa. I adjusted myself slightly to keep a wayward spring from poking my hip. I guess I could, I admitted and then hesitated, as a thought circled through my head. But do youcould you play it for me instead? Laz didnt say anything right away. Play it for you? You mean like now? Yes. Wellits long, Gabby. I dont mind, I insisted. Like thirteen minutes long. I laughed softly. I couldnt blame my brother for his surprise. I hadnt taken an interest in his music since I was a little girl. I wanna hear it. Whats it called? He was quiet for a moment. Mad Rush.

Seems fitting. Put your phone on the piano and let me hear it. Ahhokay. Sure hold on a sec. And so I waited. It took a minute or so but all of a sudden I heard the faint whisper of the piano keys start up in my ear. I strained at first to hear it but it gradually increased in pitch, and I caught my breath in wonder. The gentle, haunting melody filled my head then and I closed my eyes to let it resonate and it seemed to seep and flow through my whole body. And I just listened. I couldnt think. I had no thoughts. I was never without thoughts, without worry, without pain, without fear, and suddenly somehow miraculously for those brief passing minutes, it just all washed away. Somehow I felt free. And all I knew is that I wanted that feeling to stay so badly. I didnt want to lose it. Not at any cost. Not anymore When my brother and I were children we used to play a game called Cinco Marias. It was basically just a ghettoed-up version of Jacks youd just use some flat stones instead. I had amazing reflexes and I used to beat him every time, even though I was much younger than he was and it would piss him off more than anything. He kept insisting at first that it was just luck and so he kept forcing me to a rematch, over and over again and I would just get better and faster and quicker at grabbing those stones When he finally realized he was fighting a losing battle with me, he decided to control the situation in another way. He told me I should seriously consider training to become a boxer. I would be able to throw out and duck a punch faster than anyone else. Even though I would never make as much money as a male boxer, I could probably still scrape by a decent living. I made a face and told him he was an idiot. Well, what do you wanna do when you grow up then, Gabriela? Sit around and play with your dolls all day? he sneered back at me. No. Im going to be a beautiful princess. Or a mermaid. Like Mama. And Ill live in the ocean. I was adamant. But Lazaro just rolled his eyes. No, you wont. You would just drown. You there, Gabby? My brothers voice on the other end of the phone knocked me back into reality. Yes. Im here. That was beautiful. I probably havent told you lately how talented you are. I found my voice. Or ever, he corrected me. I laughed. Youre probably right. Well, hey. Better late than never. I appreciate it, Gabby. Laz I hesitated, trying to figure out how to form my next words. You know when you told me about Mamawhat happened all those years ago, I just We dont have to talk about all that again, Gabby, Laz insisted. It was a long time ago andits better to let sleeping dogs lie, as they say right? What matters is nowits all we can change anymore. Im sure you know that. Thats true, I admitted. But Im not sure Im very good at changing much of anything. I never have been. What do you mean?

WellI meanI think My voice broke. The tears had been falling silently until then, but I could no longer hold back my sobs. I caught my breath. I think you were right all along, Laz. I think Im ready now. Laz listened to me in silence for a moment. Ready for what, Gabby? Everything, I said in a whisper. Im ready to live my fucking life, Laz. I wiped at my face with the back of my hand, but there was really no point. My tears werent about to stop falling. I want you toif you still canget me that stuff you have for Pine Hollowsand then I want to know if I can come visit you some timeI really want to meet my nephewsI really want to get to know them and spend time with themwith youyour whole family, Laz. Im ready now.

Chapter Twenty-Three So what are you saying, Gabby? Tony wanted to know. Just what I said. My mom is moving into a personal care home at the end of the month. Laz and I figured it all out. But it also means Im gonna have to move I cant afford the apartment on my own, I explained, turning and eyeing myself in the full-length mirror. I dont like it. I made a face at the top I had just put on. The back is too short makes my butt look too big. I had dragged Tony to the mall with me to do some post-break-up clothes shopping. It was the only activity that I knew for certain wouldnt bring me to tears. That is, unless the super-hot dark-wash denim skinnies I was about to try on didnt fit me Thats unavoidable, Tony reminded me, eyeing my back-side like a plastic surgeon contemplating a face-lift for an ogre. I dont get it, though, Gabby. I thought you were against shippin your mom off like that. I was, I said, sinking down onto the stool in the change room. I mean, in a way I still am butafter everything that happened with Ben and my moms accidentI dont know. Something just had to give inside me, you know. I cant explain it. And it was true. I couldnt. All I knew was that the decision I had made had lifted an unbearable weight off of me it had given me something to wake up for in the morningfor the first time since I had lost Ben. Now the only obstacle left was breaking the news to my mother. But I wasnt ready to worry about that just yet. Speaking of your douchebag ex-boyfriend, Tony started then. I ran into him the other day. I wasnt going to tell you but you lookin so excited about those jeans I figure you can take it. My eyes went wide. You saw Ben? Yeah. It was fuckin creepy. He let out a little exaggerated shiver. How? Where? At Celebrities. He was mackin on some drag queen givin lap dances Fuck off Tony. I smacked him across the leg with the $150 pair of jeans. He laughed. Just playinI saw him on Granville Island near the docks. Matt and I were taking a little afternoon stroll. Oh. Did you talk to him? Unfortunately. Shit. You didnt cuss him out or anything, did you? I was near panic. I would have, but he was with his kid. Oh thats right I remembered Ben saying Sophie loved to visit the duck pond there. I suddenly wished Tony hadnt told me about it. I was starting to feel a knot grow in my throat He asked about you. My eyes shot open again. He did? What did he say? I dont know, something like how are you doing or some shit cant really remember, but then I fed him a buncha crap about how great youre doing and how you met this guy a client actually what did I say his name was again? Oh yeah Carlos, thats what it wasand I

havent seen you much cause you been so busy with him and whatever else dont worry, I made it super-believable and then I just saidyou knowits really too bad, cause youre an amazing woman and he really lost out by letting you gototally fucking winged it, Gab, but I swear, he swallowed the whole story right up, you shoulda seen his face. Tony sighed, looking thoroughly impressed with himself. I just stared back at him in utter shock. I couldnt speak. What? Tony stared back at me, looking concerned all of a sudden. Then what happened? I wanted to know. Tony looked a little puzzled. Im not really surehe didnt really say much after that and I had to get Matt outta there, cause he was drooling all over that nigga like he was ready to pounce, it was gettin fuckin ridiculous I didnt say anything for a good minute. Then I met his eyes again. Tony, dont fuck with me. I swear to God, Gabby no word of a lie, thats exactly how it went down. You can ask Matt if you dont believe it. Sowhen you said that, I meandid he look upset? Hurt? Relieved? What was it? My mind was beginning to race in a thousand different directions. Tony looked like he gave some serious thought to my question. Thats a good question. Its hard to say, you know. But I think if I had to describe ithe kinda looked like my dad when I came out to him, you knowlike Id destroyed all his hopes and dreams and crushed his very last reason for living. Almost fuckin identical to that. Some creepy shit, am tellin you. Gave me shivers. By the end of that week I had already listed the apartment for rent. I had a good feeling it would be a much easier sell than my old apartment which, had it not been for all of my brothers hard work, would have probably still been up on the market and simultaneously costing a man that I no longer even talked to over a thousand dollars a month. Luckily, that had been taken care of before he dumped my ass and broke my heart into a thousand pieces My own apartment hunt happened secretly on the nights I had respite. My goal was to low-ball it as much as possible and find a hip little bachelor pad for around $800 a month. It ruled out some of the more desirable neighbourhoods like Kitsilano, the West End, or even the Drive, but I didnt care. Hell, I would have moved into a rooming house in the Downtown Eastside if it came down to it as long as it was all mine. But I was definitely counting on not having to resort to extremes. The appointment I had booked a viewing for on Main and 24th looked quite promising and when I left the office that Thursday evening, I was glad the skies had held out. It was overcast and there was a chill in the air, but the rain hadnt come. As I stepped out the front door I found myself suddenly face-to-face with Lena, as she stepped out of the restaurant and into the busy street. HeyGabby, whats up? she addressed me easily, with a smile on her face and no look of concern whatsoever, which made no sense to me, but I tried my best to put on a brave face. Ohhi, Lena. How are you? She hesitated briefly. Long time no see.

YeahIm good, what about you? Hows work? It was my typical go-to conversation-starter. Fuck She groaned. Just some drama with Levi, but what else is new Really? What happened? Ohjust the same old shit-disturber he always been, she explained. He kinda redeemed himself for a while there he was watching Sophie for Ben in the evenings in the restaurant and stuff playing with her, taking her to park and everything but yesterday some punk showed up looking for him, saying he owed him $300 for a cell phoneI dont know, girl She sighed, rolling her eyes. Whats going on with you, though? You okay? Me? I found my voice. Yeah, Im justapartment hunting. I bit my tongue. Really? Didnt you just move? I nodded. Yeahbut some stuff went down. I decided to just let it out. My mom is moving into a nursing home, so Im downsizing. Ohwowsorry to hear that. Its okay, I assured her quickly. I paused, trying to decide whether or not to ask what I so desperately wanted to know. Hows Ben? Lena sighed. Hes okay, I guess. Adjusting to full-time daddy-modeI dont think its been that easy for him. I swallowed back the gnawing pain that was trying to creep up into my throat again. What happened with Mariaif you dont mind me asking? She shook her head slowly. Its been a nightmare really. She showed up here at the restaurant a few times pretty heatedbut Ben got temporary custody while they try to sort out everything. And I meanits not like hes not letting her see Sophie hes actually been bending over backwards to make sure they get to spend time together, but at the same time, hes fuckin paranoid about Miguel still being in the picture and nobody really knows the real story behind all thatits just a mess. I let my breath out, trying to take everything in. I didnt know what to say. AnywayI should probably go. I have to run to the corner store, Lena said then. It was nice seeing you, Gabby. You should come by Buena Comida next weekendSaturday night. Adams band is playing. Oh. I was surprised at the invitation. I dont know She gave me a little knowing look. Between you and me, GabbyI think he misses you. My heart was in my throat. What? Ben, she explained. I probably shouldnt say anything, but She paused for a moment and looked like she was trying to decide whether or not to continue. Are you seeing anyone right now? My eyes went wide as I stared back at her. What? I just repeated yet again. She shook her head quickly. Sorry. Never mind. Seriously, thoughnext Saturday you should come out if you canI gotta run though. I nodded slowly. OkayIll try I didnt know what else to say. And then she was gone. I leaned up against the side of the building and tried my best to pull myself together. But my focus was shot. I couldnt get Lenas words out of my mind. Ben missed me? What the hell did that mean? I had told him I loved him and hed dumped me so fast I hadnt known what hit me. And now, after nearly a month and a half, Lena of all people, was telling me he missed me?

Fuck that. If he wanted me, he knew where to find me. And yet, I stayed put. I couldnt move. I just stood there, along the side of the building. And then I pulled out my phone. He was still there in my contacts. All of our texts from over a month and a half ago still sitting there in my inbox. I agonized over them all the time. I came so close to deleting them day after day but I never could. I couldnt lose any more of him than I already had. It was unbearable. I stared at the screen for a good minute. <Hi. How are you?> My finger lingered over the send button. I came so close again and again. Eventually, though, I just let my breath out deeplyclosed my eyespulled myself togetherand just put my phone away. I was alone in the office, sitting at my desk and working through my morning coffee break since Jeannine was sick and Tammy was out on a business lunch when I heard the door chime. I glanced up and there was Ben. I nearly choked on my chocolate. I grabbed the bag of M&Ms Id been snacking on and stuffed it in the top drawer of my desk. Hey, Gabby. And in mere seconds he was right there in front of my desk. I stood up slowly. Heycan I help you? It was all I could come up with. He shook his head slowly, not able to hide his amusement at my ridiculously awkward demeanor. Wheres Tammy? he asked me finally, looking around the room. Oh. My heart sank. Why you want Tammy? Because she keeps parking her car in my loading zone and I have a truck coming in about an hour, he told me seriously, just staring me down again. Oh. I thought for a moment. That sucks. Shes not here. Ben sucked his teeth, looking more than irritated. Yserious? How is she not here but her car is? Well, probably because shes taking her two and a half hour lunch break getting loaded at Amicis just up the street. You can probably track her down there, I explained simply. Ben didnt say anything right away, just kept watching me. You think I have time to go chasin your boss half-way up the Drive, Gabby? Just call her. Im sure you have her number. You can call her, I refused him. Im already on thin enough ice with Tammy theres no way Im gonna call and drag her from a business meeting just to come move her car. Ben kept quiet for a moment, again just barreling me down with those beautiful eyes of his. I wanted to crawl up over my desk and throw my arms around him Then he reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his blackberry. I just kept watching him as he scrolled through his contacts. I waited for another moment. You calling her? I finally broke the silence. Ben glanced up briefly as he pulled the phone to his ear. No, Im calling a tow-truck. My eyes flew open. Shit, no, Ben, Ill give you her number. Stop it. Hang up. His eyes met mine again and he slowly pulled his phone back down. Im waiting.

Wowsince when are you all about making enemies with your neighbours? I wondered, as I started searching through my messy paperwork for a copy of our office contacts. I cant imagine that would be good for business. Fuck, I was disorganized. I found what I was looking for and held it out for him. Here. He took the piece of paper from me but didnt look down at it. He kept his eyes on me instead. So whats happening with you, Gabriela? What do you mean? Lena told me something about how youre movingI dont get itwhats going on? He looked concerned all of a sudden. Why do you care, Ben? I shot back instead. I dont know, he admitted. I just do. Do what? Care. I sighed. Yeah, no surprise there. You care about a lot of things, dont you? I let my breath out again. Well yeah. Im moving. What about your mom? I hesitated. My brotherhe and his wife have offered to pay for a nursing home and right now I just think My voice trailed off. Ben still looked far too concernedand confused. Yeah, butyoure okay with that? You always said Yeah, I know, I cut him off. But right now I just think its better for both of us if weyou knowits a long story, Ben. And again, I dont see why you care. Whatever, Gabby. He shrugged off my comment that time. Why do you have to move, though? Why dont you just look for a roommate or somethingI thought you loved that apartment. Yeah, I wanted to tell him, I did love that apartment. Past tense. But not nearly as much as I loved you I thought about it, I lied. But I think Id prefer to live alone. He was quiet for a moment. Hows Sophie? I decided I had to change the subject. He just watched me in silence for much longer than necessary. Shes driving me fuckin crazybut in a good way I guesscause I got her with me. I smiled then. Just slightly. His eyes were still all over me. I miss that so much. My heart leapt again. What? I asked cautiously. That smileshit He let his breath out. I hope you havent forgotten to do that every now and then. I didnt say anything to that though. You know what, Ben He watched me. What? I stared right back at him. You have a lot of fucking ballsseriouslydo you know that, or are you just completely oblivious to your own shit? His eyes went wide at that. I wasnt finished though. I guess this is what you do all the time, isnt it? You rope a woman in with all your fucking charm and good intentions and your Im such a fucking nice guy bullshitjust go on and on and on about how much you carehow the last thing youd ever wanna do is hurt herfuck, if I have to hear about how much you care about me one more

fucking time, I think Im gonna throw upyou let your ladies down so easy, dont you? Then what? You wait until theyve wallowed in the torture and agony of losing you just long enough that you canwhat? Reel them back in again? And then you got them right where you want them? Is that it? Really, Ben? I shook my head in disbelief, as much for what I was feeling as for how I could actually be saying it out loud. But true to my nature, I decided to keep going. Its disgusting actually! Its more than disgusting its the creepiest, slimiest shit a guy could ever pull! To be honest, when I think about it, I would actually prefer a guy that fucks me and never calls me again because at least its honestat least theres no gameI would welcome that. Because after the game you played with me for all those fucking months, the amount of crap you spewed outhonestlytruly, Ben it makes me sick. And I was going to be sick. But I was more upset with myself in that moment for giving him the satisfaction of hearing how much he still affected me. I wanted to crawl into a hole Soyeahthank you very much for still appreciating my beautiful smile, and I hope it helps you sleep at night, that even without the wondrous grace of your presence in my life I am by some miracle, Ben still able to fucking smile. And I was done. I had to hand it to Ben, though. He hadnt averted his eyes once through my entire rant. It seemed as if an hour or two passed by as the two of us just stood there and stared at each other in silence, but in reality it was at most a good fifteen seconds before Ben let his breath out and glanced down at the paper Id handed him. I should probably go give Tammy a call. I was dumbfounded. That was it? Yeah, you probably should, I agreed with him. Oh, andabout alla dat nonsense ya just go on aboutyou forget one thing. His eyes were back on me again. I actually work very hard at stayin away from you, Gabby Congratulations. Thank you. You can keep that I nodded at the paper Id handed him. He sucked his teeth softly, still just staring me down. I could tell Id upset him. It was strange. He had that same look on his face that Id seen so many times while we were together. Indecision. And I was done with it. I had no patience for it anymore. I was suddenly more decisive than Id ever been in my entire life. You can go now. I held his gaze firmly until he eventually gave in, turned around, and walked back out the front door. My mothers parents had pretty much disowned her after my father knocked her up. After quitting school and deciding to shack up with him in the slums of Sao Paulo while she waited for Lazaro to be born and for my father to strike it rich with his impressive business prospects, she had also decided to wash her hands of the rest of her family as well. She was young. She was hurt. She was pregnant and living in a one-room shack with a man who took better care of his 9 millimeter glock than making sure there was any food in the house. If I really thought about it, I couldnt blame her for going a little crazy.

The only person my mother had never held a grudge against for that abandonment was her older brother Fernando, who had moved to Canada long before any of the ugliness of her adolescence had sent her spinning out of control. And apparently he had felt the same way about her, and when hed learned of the situation that she was living in with Lazaro and me, he had made it his mission to get us out of there. His wife Teresa, on the other hand, had probably seen us as more of a burden, especially once my mothers illness began to progress as rapidly as it did, but as long as Fernando was alive, she hid it well. I had to be realistic. I had known it for a long time, but I was really all she had. This transition would be her final separation. I really was the last to let her go. Mama, you know Ill come see you all the time, I assured her, as I cleared the plates from the dinner table, trying to busy myself with something anything as this endless silence we had been suffering through since Id broken the news of Pine Hollows to her over dinner, was beginning to drive me crazy. My courage to finally break the news to her had been forced. Id gotten news that night that not only had I been accepted for the suite Id viewed the day Id run into Lena, but there were also four people now lined up to view our apartment the next day. And there was no way I would be able to stroll a bunch of strangers through the house without my mother wondering what the fuck was going on They have beautiful gardens, well be able to go for walks and you wont be trapped inside by yourself all day long while Im working anymore. You may even meet some nice people some friends I went to see it last week. I think youll be happy there, Mama. I just stopped talking. I didnt know what to say anymore. Eventually her eyes focused back onto mine. Gabriela, come sit. I was confused, but it was something. I went and sat down next to her chair. I know I havent been a good mother. Mama, stop it No. Let me finish. I waited. This disease, Gabrielawhat it took from meI know this was Gods way of punishing me for my mistakes, for my selfish choices, for all the people I hurt in my life Mama. Please, Gabriela. One day you may understand. Understand what? She lifted her hand up slowly to touch my face. Why I held you so close. Her voice was almost a whisper. I didnt understand. I needed to protect you. Protect me from what? From everything, she said then, as if it should have been completely obvious. From the world I shook my head slowly and just sighed, having to look away. Im not afraid of the world, Mama. Well, you should be. Butif this is what you want, Gabrielaif you need to send me away so you can let the vultures have their way with you, then so be it. I stood up. She didnt make any fucking sense anymore. What are you going to do? Move?

Yes. I went back to clearing up the dishes. Save my money, I wanted to add. Go back to school. Take a vacation. Just do something. Anything. Finally But I kept those thoughts to myself. Will I still be able to come visit you? Or will I be locked up there for good? she asked me then. I turned to my mother. Of course. You can always come visit for the day. As long as I can still get you in and out of a cab were good to go, I assured her. And for some reason that seemed to relax her a little. I noticed the look of resignation finally take hold of her. Maybe even a hint of contentment. I hoped thats what it was anyway. Lets play a game this evening. And pull out that bottle of wine. I smiled at that. The relief that washed over me then was one of the most soothing feelings I had felt in quite some time. Sure, Mama. Ill get the board.

Chapter Twenty-Four The crowds outside Buena Comida that night were thick. Adams band had a loyal following as did Ben and his restaurant especially on the Drive, and as it had been that night Ben and I had been to their gig a few months ago, the bar was packed standing room only. The band was between sets. It was closing in on 11 pm and the DJ was spinning some old-school ska tracks Johnny Too Bad by The Slickers was pounding from the speakers as Corinne and I made are way through the crowds and over to the bar. I still dont know what Im doing here! I shouted at her as we waited for the bartender to take our order. Youre curious! she shouted back at me. I would be too! And she was right. After Lena had first told me I should come to their gig nearly a week and half earlier, and a few days after my run-in with Ben inside my office, the strangest things started happening. Since most musicians and artists posted their flyers all over the street posts and shop and restaurant windows on the Drive, it was not surprising that I saw the ads plastered all over the place the week leading up to the gig. But when a flyer was tossed through the mailslot at Commercial Travel not once, but twice in one week, I had become a little suspicious. The clincher came, however, when I found one shoved inside my apartment mailbox, squished between my internet and Visa bill. Then on Friday night The Dreaded Fuzion uploaded its first video in nearly two months. I was already lying in bed when I saw the email notification pop into my inbox. I had been a faithful subscriber since Id viewed that very first episode over four months ago. My heart started racing as I hit play. The episode title read simply Those Dreaded 20 Questions. I had a feeling it wasnt another cooking demo. I held my breath as I waited for the title sequence and opening credits to finish rolling. Then as the music cut out, the screen focused in on Ben, leaning back on a chair at what appeared to be his kitchen table. I recognized the tips of the leaves of the snake plant from the corner of the room. It was obvious that he was recording this episode on his own without the assistance of his camera crew. He gave a little wave to the camera. Whassup, youtube, its Benjamin herethank you all for tunin in yet againso yeah. First ting first, people, mi waan give a big heartfelt apology for the hiatus we been on over di past coupla months, yknowa lot been goin on at the restaurant, and wit me personally sothats all am really gonna say about that, butnot to worry, tings gwaan get back on track soon so watch out for new episodes startin next week. Today, though, I wanna try somethin a little different, and dependin on the response and everythin this may become a regular bit on my pagewell see whappenso lets get to it. Am takin your questions today I watched as he pulled his laptop closer, and glanced over at the screen. In no particular orderhere we go. PrincessAmy763 wants to know, Can I substitute a banana for a plantain?. He turned back to the camera, looking a little amused, and was about to speak when he just shook his head slowly and started laughing softly in that irresistible way of his. The screen cut to black for a moment and then Ben was back, looking a bit more composed. Lets try this again, he assured his audience. Since this is a family show, Princess, am gonna assume you talkin bout cooking, and in that case, you should already know the answer is noyou cannot substitute a banana for a plantainplantains are much firmer and

have a much lower sugar content than bananasa banana can be eaten raw but a plantain requires cooking. Remember, looks can be deceiving. He gave the camera a little flirty wink. Next questionPassionfruit69 wants to know He paused, as he glanced at the computer screen again, raised his eyebrows in surprise and then turned back to the camera, looking amused yet again. I think well skip question two He turned back to the screen. GrillinGirls wants to know, Why do you grind your own pimentos for your jerk sauce? Can I substitute allspice instead? Thats a good question actually hopefully we on the upswing now answeryes, you can always substitute allspice pimentos are just allspice in its original formreason why I grind my own pimentos is for the freshness anytime you can grind your own spices you gonna get a more intense flavor, yknow from black peppercorns to nutmeg to cumin and coriander seedslist goes on and onnext question I smiled to myself as I watched him in action, so relaxed and casual and straight-forward. Everything about that man oozed sex and it didnt surprise me one bit that his inbox would be flooded with a stream of inappropriate sexually-suggestive questions. He did his best at keeping things family-friendly, only needing to shut down twice more, making me wonder if hed even make it through or if the entire episode would turn into one giant blooper, but he patiently went through them one by one, keeping himself fairly composed in the process. I just wanted to crawl through the computer screen and curl up in his arms. I wiped a tear away as I just kept watching him. I missed him so much I didnt know how much more I could take Suddenly, though, Sophie appeared on the screen, climbing up into Bens lap as he finished explaining the correct method for grilling chicken. She rested her head back against his chest. She looked so comfortable. Heywhassup little lady? Ben addressed his daughter then. What are you doing, Daddy? she wanted to know. Just answerin the peoples questions, he said smoothly. Yhave a question for me too? About what? Food. She bit her lip and looked deep in thought for a good few moments. Then she turned her head back to Ben. Whats my favourite food? she tested him. Your favourite food? Ben repeated. Thats easy. Curry goat. Sophie made a horrified face and laughed. No! Hmmfried snapper an tamarind sauce. Ewwww. Chicken and waffles? he tried again, it becoming obvious now that he was deliberately teasing her. No! I give up. Chocolate chip cookies! she explained, looking somewhat exasperated. Ben laughed softly. Ohhokay. Got it, baby. Actually, thats a great Segway, Sophie, because speaking of ladies who love chocolatethat brings me to my final question of the night. He turned back to read from the lap top. This one here comes from youtube user TravelingBrazilianCutie27 and she wants to know if I am planning to perform with Adam and the Skapples tomorrow night at the Buena Comida Lounge, and if so, should she bother coming out to the show His eyes seemed to go a little wide in mock surprise. Wowthats random, huh Sophie?

My jaw dropped in shock and if I hadnt been lying down in my bed my knees would have buckled and I would have fallen to the ground at the mention of the youtube screen name I had signed up under the day I had first come across Bens videos. I sucked my breath in and just stared back at the computer screen in disbelief. Actually, thats not just a vicious rumour circling the Drive right now I am in fact planning to sing a song or two with the band, but that all depends on the turn out. His eyes focused back in on the camera and seemed to be looking straight at me. So BrazilianCutie, Ill have two tickets at the door for you tomorrow night so I hope you make it out. Ill also extend that to the first five subscribers that send me a message tonight before I go to bed. Doors open at eightshow starts at tenI appreciate all the love as always people, it mean a lotSay goodnight, Sophie. Good night, Daddy! She smiled sweetly at the camera. Peace. Am out. And the screen cut to black. Curiosity, however, was somewhat of an understatement. As I stood at the bar with Corinne, my eyes refused to stop scanning the crowds. I was only feet away from where I stood the night Id met Miguel, and I started experiencing some intense dj vu. By some miracle or intervention of a higher power, switching the dates for my respite had been as easy as one phone call. Normally, this wouldnt work, Gabriela, but we happened to get a cancellation just this morning Maybe it was fate. But whatever it was, I was here, I thought, as the bartender handed me my Long Island iced-tea. No straight shots of tequila or any other hard liquor for me that night I was still sober as a judge. And planning to stay that wayrelatively speaking. I hadnt wanted to give my name at the door to see if there really was free entrance waiting for us, but Corinne forced me to. She wasnt paying a fifteen-dollar cover charge if she didnt have to so I relented. And sure enough, Gabriela was on the list. Ben, however, was nowhere in sight. I spotted some members of Adams band hanging around a table set up right near the stage, along with many other familiar faces from the Drive, from The Rock, and the local ska/reggae scene. Then, as if out of nowhere, Lena appeared, as she was making her way from the ladies room and past the bar. The lighting and the noise level and the swarms of people all around us made it hard to see or hear much but her eyes seemed to light up as soon as she saw me. Hey Gabby Im glad you made it! she shouted out over the music. She glanced over at Corinne and back at me. You guys have a table? I shook my head. No, we just got here. Ill see what I can doIll find you in a bit! And she disappeared again into the crowds. Corinne nudged my arm then. Cheer up, Gabbycheers! She lifted her glass up toward me and I couldnt help but smile back at her. And then, without any real warning, the band was up on the stage again, the DJ cut the music and as if on cue the crowd started whistling and shouting out in anticipation. I saw Adam

then at the keyboards, the bassist, guitarist and drummer all tuning and gearing up for their set the two sexy female back-up singers taking their places at their mics and within just a few short moments they started in on a cover of Toots and the Maytals Funky Kingston to a ridiculous amount of cheering and applause. I strained to get a better look. Where was Ben? Corinne grabbed my arm then. Come on, lets go closer, Gab She began pulling me deeper into the crowds of people. But that just made things worse. I still couldnt see a thing except for the band on stage, and Ben wasnt there, so that was not what I was looking for. Eventually Corinne and I made it to the far wall and I suddenly had the table where the band had been sitting earlier in plain view. Lena was there, along with Patrick and Bens brother in-law Rohan. I saw Geneva then too, on her feet and winding to the music along with a couple other girls I didnt recognize. I scanned the crowds again. Still no Ben. The band was another two songs in before I spotted that familiar face and that gorgeous body of his across the room. My heart stopped for a short moment but then of course, as it had happened so many times in the past, I had yet again been fooled by Ivan. He was busy talking with a couple people near the bar no Angela in sight. I sucked my breath in and turned back to the stage. Adam was addressing the crowds of people and the small, yet fully packed dance floor in front of the stage. Hey, hows everyone doin tonight? he called out. The crowd was going wild. This ones called Simmer Down yall dont simmer down, though, I want you to sing this one with meall right And the band started back up again to the beat of the classic Skatalites track, and my eyes went back to scanning the crowds. I didnt get it. Wed been there now for over half an hour and there was no fucking sign of him. Why wouldnt he be here already after going to all the trouble of making sure I showed up? I turned to Corinne but she didnt look bothered she was too busy grooving to the music and probably coming down off her high. Shed tried to get me to smoke up with her in Grandview Park on our way to the bar but Id held off, needing to stay clear-headed. I got her attention then and gestured toward the bar, deciding to venture through the crowds and over to the ladies room. It took me a while though, as I was not very pushy in these situations and tended to inch my way through, unlike the tipsy girls that kept barreling me over as they tried to get closer to the stage or the bar, depending on whether or not they had a full drink or were running on empty. Like the bar itself, the restrooms were also crowded, but eventually I made it to the sink and began to freshen up reapply my lipstick and check on my hair. One of the girls Geneva had been dancing with was next to me at the vanity adjusting her bra ackwardly in the mirror. You have amazing hair oh my God, she addressed me then. I was usually complimented on either my hair or my shoes by drunk girls in restrooms, but then again, everyone had their thing. Thanks, I smiled back politely. Hey Neva, hurry up! she shouted out toward one of the closed bathroom stalls. And then I heard the toilet flush and Geneva stepped out of the stall, adjusting her miniskirt and sauntering over toward the vanity in her five-inch stilettos. Her hair was picked out into a massive afro of defined curls that framed her gorgeous features beautifully. She looked a

lot like the one framed photograph Ben had in his bedroom of his mother as a young woman taken sometime in the seventies, wearing some high-waisted skin-tight bell-bottoms and a tight yellow t-shirt, sporting an afro that would have put Angela Davis to shame. She caught my reflection in the mirror and smiled when she saw me. I wouldnt have thought she would recognize me, considering we had only met once briefly at the festival that summer, and it caught me a little off-guard. Hisorry, I forgot your name, she apologized as she went to grab some soap. I nodded. Gabriela, I reminded her, and then I decided to be bold. Youre Bens sister. She nodded. Yes. Where he at do you know? I was hoping to catch up with him tonight but I cant seem to find him. You and me both, I thought to myself. I dont know, I admitted. Oh well She was busy in the mirror, fixing her make-up. Im sure hell turn up. Tracy, I need a tampon for later you got one? I tried my best to make my way back over to find Corinne, but the mobs were unforgiving. I stopped at the bar for another round and turned back to the stage just as the band was finishing up another song. Then as the crowd was busy with their applause I noticed Adam toss the mic over to someone out of view and then turn back to the crowd. Special treat for yall now, I heard him mumble into his mic and then turn to the band. The haunting familiar voice singing the acapella intro seemed to come out of nowhere off-stage somewhere. Bens voice. A cover of Desmond Dekkers IsraelitesI caught my breath and strained to get a better look. Then as the band started up I saw him jump up on stage and heard the crowds let out a massive cheer. I stopped dead in my tracks and just staredjust watching. As he was on his cooking show, Ben was charismatic as hell on stage and his voice only he could have pulled off the harmonies of that song, no one else had the rangebut as Id noticed the other night Id watched him sing some songs with the band, he held back from the crowd he was too into the song, too into the music. But his body felt the beat you could tell, you could feel it And fuck, he looked good. He was just dressed simply in a pair of sexy black jeans and a plain white dress shirt, only half-tucked into his belt, his dreads tied back the only embellishment being his Armani watch and maybe his Gazelles. He didnt really look out into the crowd much, and if he did it was just into the front row and onto the dancefloor. I fell back against the wall near the back of the room, hiding in the crowdand just watched him. The man I loved. Where the hell had he been all this time? Yeah Ben let his breath out slowly, as the band wound down and the mobs started cheering their faces off, begging for more. Gabby! Corinne was beside me suddenly, looking animated and excited. There you are! Mystery solved. Your mans on stage! I just nodded, not able to avert my eyes from Ben. He was next to Adam then, they were talking briefly, and then Ben was back center-stage yet again obviously about to start in with another song. His back was to the crowd, though, as he was still chatting with the band. Benjamin! Give us some more, baby!

I heard the crowds shouting out then it was obvious the fans knew who he was and were excited about the prospect of another song from him. Then, just like that, he turned to the audience, and his eyes fixed on the swarms of faces in front of him. I held my breath. And suddenly, after no more than about five seconds scanning the crowds, his eyes fell directly on mine all the way in the far corner of the room near the bar. My eyes went wide as I just stared right back at him in shock. Gabriela His voice poured out so smoothly, as he just stared me down. Dont look so surprised you know I could spot your face in a sea of a thousand different women I nearly choked on my drink. This is for you, he said softly. Holyfuckingshit I heard Corinne exclaim in disbelief but I refused to acknowledge it. I couldnt. I was basically stunned into a complete cathartic trance. And within seconds the band started up again and the melody nearly made me fall to my knees. Ben kept his eyes glued right on mine. And I just stared right back at him as I fought back the tears, as him and the band gave me their own heart-wrenching, beautiful rendition of Gregory Isaacs Love Is Overdue and I just stood there and listened, taking it all in - the people, the crowds, the noise around me becoming a vast sea of nothingness. I only heard him his voice, the music and stared right back into his beautiful eyes. It was all I could do. It was all I wanted to do. It was all I needed. Corinne was nudging me, knocking me back into reality the last place in the world I wanted to be right then. Holy shit, Gabby The song was over but I still couldnt move. Ben was fixing the mic back up onto the stand. His eyes were right back on mine again. Yes, people...yall are amazing peace and love. Respect. He gave the crowd a little salute with his two fingers and with that, he jumped off the stage and disappeared back into the crowds. I started to panic. Where was he going? What if he disappeared again for good? I was losing it. My heart was racing. Corinne was dragging me back through the crowds and over to the bar. I think you need another drink, she explained, as I heard the band start up again. No, I needed Ben. He was all I needed, all I wanted Two Long Island iced-teas! Corinne was shouting out at the bartender. Its on me! She waved me off as I started to reach for my purse. I couldnt speak. My eyes just kept scanning the faces around me, the throngs of people that just kept blocking my view. Maybe if all these faces and bodies would just fucking disappear, I could finally find him I could finally have him there next to me. Where was he? Why wasnt he coming to find me? After all the trouble hed went to, after everything hed planned and carried out, trying to get me herewhy was he staying away? Why? Corinne handed me my drink and when I turned around I saw Ivan stepping up to the bar. I caught his eye and he just shook his head slowly, a slow smile spreading across his face. Damn, girl Ivanhave you seen Ben? I shouted out over the music. He lowered his eyes at me then. Yeahon stagedidnt you? He looked amused as hell. Wellyeah Ivan sucked his teeth. He got it bad, girlmake sure you let him down easy... My eyes went wide in shock. What?

He was still chuckling to himself. Am just playindont worry yourself, am sure hell find you And then he turned to the bartender. YowCorona an lime Fuck. I couldnt stand it anymore. I needed some air. Ill be right back! I shouted over to Corinne then, who had started up a conversation with some guy whod been eyeing her as we waited in line to get to the bar. I handed her my drink and turned to survey my options. Making my way back through the chaos of the bar to the front door seemed too daunting so instead I turned and headed towards the restrooms, remembering the back entrance where Ivan had picked me up in the alley. The cool night breeze hit me immediately as I stepped out the door, the music fading away behind me. I glanced to my right and saw a small group of people sharing a joint so I turned left instead and leaned up against the side of the building and pulled out my phone. Maybe I should text him, I thought absentmindedly, but then I decided against it. Ivan was right. Ben would find me. Not ten seconds after I had tried to conjure his presence up in my mind the back door swung open and there he was. Just like that. I nearly fell over, but instead I just sucked my breath in and watched as he turned to his right and then left and then locked his eyes right on mine and began making his way slowly over to me. He smiled at me and it just warmed me all over. There you are. I didnt know what to say. Hi. It was all I could manage. He stopped right in front of me. Hi. Houdini I let my breath out slowly. He laughed softly, not taking his eyes off me. You been lookin for me? Hey Ben! Someone from the group of pot-smokers was calling out to him then. Want a hit off this? Of course, I thought. It was just like Ben to know everyone. Some things never changed Ben averted his eyes from me briefly. Nah, manIm good. And then he just turned right back to me. Wow. Its not like you to turn down a free hit. Its not like me to do a lot of thingsbut somehow I still been doin them, he admitted softly. Like what? I wanted to know. He raised those sexy eyebrows at me, making me flush. You want a list? Maybe. Hmm He thought for a moment, and then took another step closer to me. How bout just the most important one? he asked softly. He sounded so serious. What is that? I wanted to know, my heart beating furiously. Missing you so much I cant fall asleep at night. I didnt say anything right away. I just stared back at him. Thats it? He shook his head slowly. No. What else? His eyes stayed fixed on mine as he reached out and pushed a lock of hair from my eye. Baby, I want you back... I waited again. Thats it? I whispered.

He sucked his teeth softly. He placed the palms of his hands on the brick wall on either side of my face and stared down at me. Gabby, Im so in love with you I cant even think straight anymore I sucked my breath in and bit my lip. I dont want you backI need you backor I may never sleep again. He paused, his eyes like two black pools without a ripple in sight. I saw my own reflection staring back at me. How is that? he wanted to know. I swallowed. I still had no words. You not gonna say nothin? I just shook my head slowly. Ben pulled each of his hands slowly from the wall and brought them to my face, caressing my cheeks so tenderly as he sucked his breath in. I could get used to that, he whispered so softly, as his mouth met mine and he just started kissing me so deeply so fucking intensely just swirling his tongue around mine and pulling me in like he was never going to let go. I couldnt help but let out a soft moan, as my whole body seemed to just melt against that wall. Oh shit I gasped as he pulled back slowly. Mmm He laughed softly, still stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. I knew it wouldnt last, he whispered. Why should I believe you, Ben? I whispered then, having finally found my voice, my heart just racing in circles. He sighed softly, giving my question some serious consideration. You saw what I did in there, right? he asked softly. Harassed you with those fucking flyers all weekyou watched my video too, didnt you? I sighed. Yeahtypical fucking narcissist that you aremention me only at the very endonly you would have the gall to think I would sit and watch the whole twenty minutes He just smiled back at me. I was right, though. Yeah, I guess you were. I just stared back at him. How did you even know I would be here? I mean, with my mom and everything else, how did you expect me to just show up here like this? I didnt, he admitted. Well, at first, butI tracked Corinne down. She was really helpfulplus she know how to get her hands on some good shit am surprised the connections some of you white girls got, for real My eyes went a little wide. What? I was so confused. So you guys are like smoke buddies now? How long has this been going on? He smiled at the expression on my face. Not long, baby. I let my breath out, my heart rate just quickening again with the way he was looking at me. I justI cant believe you did this. His smile faded. I know you, Gabriela. He traced my eyebrows with his fingers, still holding my face. I spent a long time tellin you and tryin to convince myself we just going with the flow, right? Wait an see whappen and whatever elsewell, fuckthis is what happened. I love you. I caught my breath. Took you long enough, I whispered. This isnt easy for me, baby. He looked so serious. I cant help how I feel about you. I tried really hard. The timing fucking sucks He sighed, still holding my face between his

hands, gazing right into my eyesinto my soul I could give you million reasons why I shouldnt be in a relationship, Gabrielaand only one reason why I should. I swallowed, my heart sprinting the hundred-meter dash. What is that? He smiled at that. Youre not listening to me, are you? Because I love you, he whispered so softly. I could feel my eyes welling up. Third times the charm, I thought to myself Im so sorry, baby He bit his lip, staring down at my mouth again, as his thumb ran across my bottom lipand then he sighed softly. Those white boys are starin at us, arent they? I sucked my breath in and couldnt help a little laugh. I dont wanna look. I lifted my hand up then, running my fingers over his beautiful face. I been looking for you for too long, Ben. He smiled at that, and then just kissed me again so tenderly. Lets get the fuck outta here, Gabby. I lay on my side in Bens bed and turned and observed him, as he sat naked, leaning forward in the lounger against the wall, rolling up an after-sex blunt, his dreads hanging loose and falling over his shoulders as he focused on his task. His dark, smooth silhouette seemed to glow in the moonlight pouring through the bedroom window, like a statue of a Nubian god. After hed gotten out of bed hed switched the music on his iPod, and some Jack Johnson started humming softly out of the speakers on his dresser. His varied taste in music always surprised and impressed me at the same time. It was definitely fitting the mood since wed spent the past hour making love to Nina Simones greatest hits I smiled. I like watching you. He lifted his eyes then and I caught a glistening glimpse of his tongue as he licked the seal. You gonna smoke this with me, baby? he asked softly. Seductively. I shook my head slowly. No. Hmm He lit up then, and I watched a billow of smoke encircle him in the afterglow. And then he leaned back slowly against the back of the padded chair and reached between his legs with his free hand, pulling up on his cock slowly as he stared back at me, teasing me silently, and feasting on my bare breasts through the piercing slits of his narrowed eyes. After one more long pull on his joint he was rock hard and throbbing for me. I sucked my breath in in approval. Thats impressive, I whispered back. He smiled at me, ever so slightly. You see what you do to me? I felt myself squirm, just watching him stroke it so slowly. Just keep doing that, I insisted, in little more than another whisper. Shit He let his breath out slowly. I could see he was amused with my fascination. He brought the joint to his lips and took another long pull, his face disappearing into another cloud of smoke, and my eyes fell back down to watch his cock swell up and dwarf that big hand of his. I shuddered. How the fuck did he know how to do this to me? His eyes were assaulting me piercing me as soon as the smoke cleared. Show me your pussy. He sounded dead serious. I sucked my breath in, as I felt myself get wet. No.

I saw his eyes go wide in the moonlight. No? You dont deserve to see my pussy. That made him laugh in that soft sexy way of his. I just finish fuckin your pussy like twenty minutes ago, he reminded me softly, still pulling up steadily on that swollen cock of his. I smoothed his blanket down over my hips. I know, I admitted. Thats cause I needed it. Hmm He sighed softly, his smile fading, as he stared me down. How was it? he asked me so softly, as I watched the head of his cock swell and glisten as he slid his thumb up over the tip, polishing it with a drop of his come My blood rushed at the sight. It was perfect, I whispered. I licked my lips and nodded my chin at the body lotion resting on top of the little table next to his chair. You should use some of that. He sucked his teeth at me, laughing softly yet again. Damn, baby Im serious, I insisted. He licked his lips ever so slightly. Ya waan lie there and watch me whack off, baby? he wanted to know, matter-of-factly. I laughed softly. Yes, I admitted, seriously. He took another long pull on his joint and then killed the roach. An ya nah waan show mi nothin? he added then, slipping into that sexy patois, grabbing the bottle from the table so smoothly, and slowly squeezing a drop into the palm of his hand, keeping his eyes firmly glued on me the whole time. My body was achingdripping I had never in my life been this brave with a man. I had always waited to be told what to do in bed and in truth, that was what I loved about Ben but it had also always been safer. But now I knew I didnt have to be safe with Ben anymore. He would protect me no matter what I ran my fingers across my nipple and licked my lips for him again. Maybe later. He cupped his balls with the palm of his wet hand then, massaging slowly, as he stared back at me. What kinda man you think can sit five feet away from you, Gabby, and just play wit himself, and not come touch you? he asked me slowly, in that deep sexy voice of his. I thought about that. He was right. Most men wouldnt. A man that wants to give me what I want, I said finally. For a girl who used to play with herself and orgasm on the phone to someone who could have been talking about the fucking weatherI think I may need a bit of an ego boost, I added sweetly. He smiled at that, his arousal giving way to a little dose of affection, and it made my heart flutter. So you waan me to return the favour, huh? he wanted to know, his voice just dripping sex yet again. He pulled up hard on his cock, the length becoming so slick and wet, it shone back in the moonlight. I jumped. Oh fuck, baby. I sucked my breath in. Awright, girl, I need ya to tell me bout the weather then he commanded softly, stroking a little faster for me. I laughed softly, sliding my hand up between my tits as they pressed and rubbed up against each other. My nipples were so hard and swollen. Its getting a little hot over here, baby, I admitted. He smiled, keeping up the pace for me, sucking his breath in slowly. hope it rains You want to see me get all wet, baby?

Hmm He sighed softly, still stroking steadily. I cyan come unless you wet, baby He grabbed the lotion again and squirted a ridiculous amount all over his abs as I sucked my breath in, just watching him. He began rubbing it all over his skin, from his belly, down over his thick, hard cock and between his legs. Ysee now I haffe try make my hand feel like your pussy, he explained slowly, still teasing me with that deep sexy voice. He sucked his breath in as he squeezed his cock and began stroking for me again. This is fuckin ridiculous, Gabby I was dripping for him so badly but I did my best to keep myself composed. He really had me going. Thats so hot, Ben I whispered, just staring back at him. Play with those titties for me, baby, he demanded suddenly, his eyes glued tightly to my chest. I cant do this all by myself. I licked my lips. Yes, you can, I whispered, but cupped my breasts for him then, squeezing them and pushing up, sliding the tips of my fingers across my nipples. Shit He sighed softly, pumping his cock a little faster for me. Stick your tongue out and lick your nipples. Damn, Ben I moaned softly. He was getting too demanding, but I did as he asked, my nipples just reaching the tip of my tongue, and I went back and forth between them a few times, slicking them up with my wet mouth. Mmm He groaned softly, just staring me down and picking up the pace on his throbbing pole. I could hear the steady squish of that wet lotion as he kept jerking his cock for me. Thats right, Gabrielacome over here and let me fuck those tits for a bit Oh shit, he had me so wet. I nearly gave in I wanted his body so badly I could have screamed but I held fast. No, I said simply. I lay my head back down, pulling my hair back and letting it hang off the edge of his pillow as I turned my face back to watch him. Keep going, Ben, I want to watch you explode all over yourself, I whispered, biting my lip and reaching my hand down under the blanket and between my legs. Fuck Ben groaned, and then his eyes dropped down to watch his cock, as he picked up the pace yet again going hard now jerking it with so much force, I watched the muscles in his arms and chest flex and tighten, even in the semi-darkness. Then, just like that, he eased up just a bit as his eyes focused back on me again. I could see it in his expression. He was starting to lose his patience with me. It gave me a sudden rush and I started rubbing my clit faster then, hiding it all from him under that blanket. I should go shove this big black cock straight down your throat, Gabby His kept his voice low as he growled his disapproval at me. Oh, he had me spinning now. I squirmed. Shit, babythats right, keep going, I urged him, my pussy on fire now. I pulled my wet fingers from between my legs and slid them teasingly across my tongue. Tastes good He narrowed his eyes, speeding up yet again. Suck those fingers, Gabbyopen ya mouth up for me, come on He groaned again. I closed my lips around my two fingers and sucked slowly, then pulled them out all the way and slipped them back down between my legs. I was panting now too as I just stared back at him at that hard, throbbing chocolate body, all wet and shining for mehis thick, stiff cock not easing up under that strong arm of his. I was so desperate for release. I should have known I wouldnt be able to control myself. Ohh I shuddered. Oh shit, make me come, Ben I whispered frantically.

Mmm His fingers grazed his hard slick belly as he stroked his cock faster again. I could tell he was enjoying watching me lose myself. Ya waan see me come, baby? Yesss Come on, baby He was breathing heavier now. Look at me I bit my lip hard. Oh fuck, I was right there Yes Fuck He let his breath out deeply. Ya gonna come lick it all up after I finish. It wasnt a question. I groaned then as I shook, exploding all over my fingers, moaning and trying desperately to catch my breath. Shit, baby. He was pumping his cock so fast, just staring back at me and watching me come, and then as I finally caught my breath again I saw his head fall back and that thick, milky white goodness just erupt from the swollen head, attacking his belly, his chest and the palm of his hand. Ahhhfuck, Gabriela He groaned so deeply. The sight of him letting go like that and all on his own, just from watching me just took my breath away. I slipped out of bed so quickly and knelt down between his legs before he even let his breath out, his hand still squeezing out the last drops for me, and I just gently pushed it away and ran my tongue up the base of his cock to the head, closing my mouth around him and sucking him clean. He sucked his breath in, still shaking as he dropped his face and stared down at me. I met his eyes then and pulled his hand back to my mouth and started licking his fingers clean too one by one. Fuckgoddamn, baby He moaned softly, just watching me in disbelief. He tugged at my bottom lip with his fingers and ran his thumb across my tongue. Then he gasped again as I started to lick his belly clean too, not wanting to waste a drop. I lifted my eyes to meet his and watched him wipe a bead off his chest and then bring his finger to my mouth and I sucked it off eagerly, so he did it a few more times, helping me feeding me every last drop. And I just kept licking him up, lapping at his skin, his balls, between his legs, his cock, his belly He had me possessed and he knew it. I loved it. I was all his. Mmm He moaned softly, still watching me so desperately. He almost looked in pain then. Okay, baby, stop itfuck He let his breath out, pulling my face up. That shit cant be that good for you. I couldnt help but laugh. That never stopped you before, Ben, I reminded him. He sucked his teeth at me. No, I mean this lotion He grabbed the bottle off the table then and attempted to study the label in the dark. All these chemicals and toxins and shitI coulda jus poison you I just laughed again. Ill be fine. Youre just high as fuck right now and getting paranoidits all good, baby. I teased his navel with my tongue. He stared back at me and licked his lips. Youre such a fuckin nasty, dirty girl shit He sighed deeply. The real nasty ones are never this sweet an prettyhowd I get so lucky? He stroked my hair back so tenderly. My tummy did a little flip. I love you, Ben. He smiled back at me slowly. I love you too, baby.

Epilogue The events of that day seem to replay in my mind in a continuous loop, even now. I wake up in the arms of the man I love. We play around in his bed. He teases me, kisses me, torments me a little. He tells me he doesnt want me to leave. Every part of me aches at the thought of leaving but I just groan and tell him my mother is waiting. Then he clasps his hand over my mouth to shut me up. We can both hear his little girl is awake now, her soft little footsteps lingering outside the bedroom door, humming a little tune Its a Saturday. My mother spends the day with me at my apartment. She hasnt visited in over a month, even though she has been so persistent. On her last visit Ben had cooked her dinner. It had been one of the most touching gestures. My mother had smiled through the entire meal. She had been gracious. She told him he was a good man and that she could tell he made me very happy. She said she hoped she was right. When I got back home that night I cried myself to sleep in his arms It just rains and rains. We spend the day together, just the two of us. Shes quiet and subdued but I have learned to relax and just enjoy our time together, no matter what mood I find her in. In reality, I have much more pressing matters on my mind. She asks me why my head is in the clouds and so I tell her. Im attending a wedding in less than two weeks. Our flight to Jamaica has just been booked Ben arrives at around 6 pm to give us a ride back to Pine Hollows. He insists. The idea of me paying a nearly $60 round-trip cab fare is fucking ridiculous, Gabriela. I guess I have to agree. I help my mother out of the car and into her wheelchair. She asks that I help her all the way into her room and not leave her with one of the aides in the ward. I agree. Once she is settled, I start to get antsy. I want to leave. I just want to get back to Ben. Maybe I can convince him to make a quick stop at IKEA with me before he heads back to the restaurant and I can pick up those lamps Ive been eyeing. Theyll go well with my brand new sofa I give her a quick kiss and tell her Ill see her on Wednesday. She squeezes my hand. She squeezes my hand again. Bye Mama. I miss the first three calls and they go straight to voicemail. Im out having drinks with Tony and Matt. I havent had this much fun in a long time. Im looking forward to slipping into Bens bed drunk and horny in a few hours, but Im not overly concerned if I dont make it. Im starting to think these two may just succeed in dragging my ass to Celebrities with them tonight after all. I can always fuck Ben tomorrow too. Im sure he wont mind too much if I just do my own thing for a change. Its good to keep them on their toes. Tonys advice can be pretty solid sometimes I only notice the missed calls once we step out of the pub and start heading up the street to the club. Im already a little tipsy. I steady myself against the side of the building and dial the after-hours emergency line. Tony gives me a concerned look. I listen to the voice on the other end of the line as best I can over the noise of the traffic and the swarms of people crowding up the West End. I hear as much as I need to hear and then my phone slips from my shaking fingers and crashes down onto the pavement below me, shattering into a million pieces.

The funeral is the following Friday. The culprit had been the bottle of bleach in the cupboard under my kitchen sink. Her means of smuggling it out of my apartment had been a sealed Tupperware container which she stashed in her purse. She only drank the contents after she had settled in for the night. They didnt find her for hours. My brother, his wife and his two children are here. Teresa has been more than gracious. She took care of almost all the arrangements. My cousins are dressed awkwardly in some illfitting suits maybe Uncle Fernandos hand-me-downs. Corinne and Michelle and Tasha are sitting quietly talking in my aunties living room. Lena and Patrick are here too. And Adam and his girlfriend, whose name I cant remember. They all look a little uncomfortable. Ill have to talk to them later. Tony and Matt are helping with the food. Theyve both been amazing through all of this. Ill need to remember to tell them how much I appreciate everything theyve done for me. That night on the street had been a nightmare for them, Im sure. There are some other people here too but I dont really know who they are. Tammy and Jeannine popped their faces in to deliver some kind of weird smelling tuna casserole Im in Teresas bedroom, just hovering on the edge of the bed, sipping on a strong cup of coffee. I look up at Ben, whos standing with his back up against the closed door, just watching me. He hasnt left my side. Not since Tony made that frantic call to him on the street outside the pub on Saturday night. But he also hasnt said much, which has been a surprising comfort. He holds me when I cry. He buys me cigarettes even though he hates that I smoke. He sits with me and holds my hand while I stare at mind-numbing television. He loves me. And I love him. I stand up slowly and make my way towards the door. He asks me if Im okay. I nod and tell him Im fine. I need to go back out there. He kisses my forehead softly and steps aside to let me through the door. But at the top of the stairs my legs give out. I lose my balance and fall against the wall. I feel a tingling in my arm, in my hands, in my fingersmy knees give out. Ben is beside me in a flash. But not before the cup of coffee that Im holding slips from my fingers and goes crashing onto the linoleum, the shattering shards of the mug flying down the stairs in front of me. All I can see are tea cups. And theyre all around me... It takes a long time for the numbing to subside, as I sit collapsed on the top step, leaning up against the wall. Ben is sitting next to me and he has already slipped the pumps off my feet and I just stare down at my legs, and the small run that has already ruined my brand-new panty hose. These heels arent even that high, I think to myself. My body and my mind are not one. I know that in the back of my head. I can feel it. Its not just grief. There is something very, very wrong. Ben is brushing the hair from my face, holding my shoes and looking at me with more worry and concern than I can even imagine possible. I suck the air back into my lungs and recoverslowly but surely. No. I can fall in, but theres no way Im staying under... I grab his hand and let him pull me back up onto to my feet. The End