Songs for the Deaf

by Caleb Lewis

2003 Caleb Lewis

This script is distributed by The Australian Script Centre 77 Salamanca Place Hobart 7004 Tasmania Australia email admin@ozscript.org www.ozscript.org ph +61 3 6223 4675 fax +61 3 6223 4678

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This script is protected by Australian and international copyright law. You have a legal obligation to obtain permission before either making copies of this script or performing the play. Information on who to contact for further information is outlined below. COPYING Photocopying or printing more than 10% of this script without permission is illegal. You can use CAL (the Copyright Agency Limited) for photocopy rights, or you can buy a Copy Licence from the Australian Script Centre. E admin@ozscript.org Ph +61 3 6223 4675 PRODUCTION RIGHTS Before producing or performing any play you must obtain the permission of the playwright or their agent. Contact details for this script can be obtained from the Australian Script Centre. E admin@ozscript.org Ph +61 3 6223 4675

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This script is distributed by the Australian Script Centre 77 Salamanca Place Hobart 7004 Tasmania Australia email admin@ozscript.org www.ozscript.org ph +61 3 6223 4675 fax +61 3 6223 4678

by Caleb Lewis

2003 Caleb Lewis

by Caleb Lewis

BUNNY

2003 Caleb Lewis

The beach. Night. Waves lap gently at the shore. A big pink rabbit. Still. She is quiet. Sombre. A big white bear enters humming. Frank Sinatra, High Hopes. He sees Rabbit. Stops. Stands there. Uncertain. A moment. Rabbit Bear Rabbit Offer me a drink. What? Offer me a drink.

Bear looks around and then pulls a bottle out of a pocket. He proffers it to Rabbit. Rabbit Bear Rabbit Say it. Do you want a drink? No. Piss off.

Bear starts to leave. Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Come with me. I like it here. Its quiet. Whats your name? Are you trying to pick me up? No. Yeah. Maybe. Are you on your own? Youre here. Yeah.

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Rabbit Bear Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear

Is that why you followed me? I didnt follow you.

Wheres your Warren? Who? What? Its a hole you live in. Theyre called Warrens. You didnt say you were funny. Im funny. Great.

You look good. The bunny ears. Got something for rabbits? I cant breathe in this thing. Can I sit down? No. Oh. Where are you from Funny Bear? I was at the party. I saw you and I thought Id like to talk to you.

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Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Beat

Why? I dunno. You looked interesting. You wanted to fuck me. No. I didnt even... Im not... No. Yep. Why did you leave? It doesnt matter. I shouldnt have come.

Bear starts humming again. High Hopes Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Go. You shouldnt be alone at night. Im fine. You dont look fine. You cant breathe in these things. Cant see. People always wanna bash you. Rabbit Bear Why? I dunno its fun. Bashing up care-bears. When I was at school. we used to go the Show every year; piss off on the teacher and go find all the giant animals and Homer Simpsons and Teletubbies walking around waving to people, and wed push

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them over. The suits are so heavy you cant get up on your own. Theyd just wobble around on the road swearing at us while we kicked the shit out of them. Teletubbies are the best. Rabbit Bear Are you gonna bash me up? Dont be silly. Id protect you. Besides youre a rabbit. No ones gonna bash up a giant rabbit. Rabbit Bear Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Beat Beat Now you would normally say something like Hi Daniel, nice to meet you. My names Jessica. Were you crying? Why do you care? Im just trying to help. Whats wrong? My life is shit. Dont say that! Youre a strange one Funny Bear. Daniel... (He takes his head off) My name is Daniel. Why not? Might be the Easter Bunny.

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Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Okay My names not Jessica. It was an example. Why did you think it was Jessica? I didnt... I dunno. Jessica Rabbit. Can I call you Pooh? Daniels fine. Alice. What? My name. Its Alice. Really? Yeah. Like the white rabbit. Like Alice in Wonderland? Yep. Thats pretty funny. Why?

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Bear

Because youre Alice and youre dressed like a rabbit. Thats Why is your life shit?

Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear

Go back to the party. Your friends are waiting. Let em wait. Im not going to fuck you. I dont want to fuck you.

Bear exits. Beat. Bear re-enters. Bear Sometimes people just do things for each other. They listen. You dont expect anything. Its just a nice thing to do. Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Why dont you take off your head? I dont want to. Why not? Its safe in here. Its hot in here. (Motions to his own suit) I cant breathe. Take it off. I cant. Why not? I dont have anything on underneath.

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Beat Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit nods. Tell me why youre upset. Take off your suit. No. Why? I want to see you as you really are. You wont even take off your head. I will if you take off your suit. Ill get a cold. Ill keep you warm. You dont even like me. I dont have to like you. Tell me why youre upset. Take off your suit. Take off your head. Okay! Okay! Now?

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Bear takes off his suit. He stands naked before her. A young man in his early twenties. Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Youre a beautiful butterfly. Shut up. You are. Youre beautiful. Your turn. Is it? Your bloody right it is. Look at me, Im freezing. Yes I noticed. Fuck off! Come here. Okay.

Bear goes to her. She sits him in her lap, head against her chest and starts to stroke his hair. Rabbit Bear Rabbit Once upon a time... Yes. There was this little princess. And she was very beautiful and she was always smiling. And she had long dark wavy hair that blew in the wind.

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Bear Rabbit Bear

Did she have a crown? What? Did she have a crown? If she was a princess she would have a crown, or a little tiara or something.

Rabbit Bear

Yes she had a tiara. Then her hair wouldnt blow around. It would hold it down. The tiara.

Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit

Okay then she didnt have a crown. Then how do you know she was a princess? I dont know. Are you going to let me tell this story or what? Sorry. Okay. So she was just an ordinary little girl then all right. And she had a mummy and daddy who loved her very much and they were all very happy together.

Bear

Thats the end of the story not the start. Thats not how it happens.

Rabbit

Thats how I remember it okay! If you dont want to listen then fuck off! Get off me you pervert before I call the cops.

Rabbit Throws Bear off of her and gets up to leave. Bear Dont go!

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Rabbit pauses Bear Im sorry. I didnt listen, I should have listened, Im sorry. Lets go swimming okay? Dont go. Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear I hate it when people interrupt. Im not a pervert. I dont want to swim. Okay.

Beat. A long silence. Awkward. Bear starts to hum. A few notes. He catches himself. Shakes his head. Hits himself. Bear Rabbit Bear Beat Bear Rabbit Bear You like Sinatra? No. I found Dad humming again tonight. In the hallway. Sitting against a wall. All the lights are off. And hes humming that song. Fuck! Are you all right? Yeah everythings sunshine and fireworks.

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My brother Luke was on the dole for ages. Living at home with us. He did a lot of sitting around and smoking dope, leaving dishes out for Mum. Fighting with Dad. Then Tina, his girlfriend, dumped him. And he musta just thought, Fuck it, you know... Its too hard Mums birthday. In the morning. We were going down the shops to buy a cake. Dad went out to the garage to start the car. It was already running... Garage is dutched up with exhaust. Cant see a thing. Cant breathe. Lukes blue. Lips all white. Dads trying to pull him out of the car and the fucking seatbelts caught. Dads yelling for me to help. I cant. Im screaming for Mum. Beating the air like a useless prick till she gets the roller door up... Clear the air. Dads got Luke cradled in his arms, and hes sobbing over him like a little kid. Wont look at us. Just the sound of him sobbing. And the car radios playing the whole time. Hes got High Hopes, High Hopes, High Apple Pie in the Sky Hopes I had to give a speech at the funeral. Mum cried a lot. Dad just bit his lip. Went home, blew out the candles. I hate Sinatra. Beat Bear I want to go swimming. I want to hold your hand. Does that sound fucked up? I dont want to swim on my own.

Bear holds out his hand.

Rabbit does nothing. Bear lowers his hand.

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Bear Rabbit

I better go. Im sorry. Why did you tell me that? Do you want me to react? Its not my fault youre fucked up. That has nothing to do with me.

Bear

What is wrong with you?

A look of hurt. She is leaving. Bear Rabbit Bear Wait! Come here. No. Please?

Rabbit comes to him. Nervous; scared. They stand hand in hand looking at each other. Bear Sit down.

She does. Bear This is nice isnt it?

Beat Rabbit I hate Sinatra too.

A smile. A shared moment. Bear Rabbit Can I kiss you? No!

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Beat Rabbit Bear Rabbit There was this little girl. The princess. Thats right, the princess. Now one day Mummy and Daddy came home and they had a surprise for the little girl. A beautiful snow white bunny rabbit. The little girl loved the bunny rabbit and she called it Flopsy because its ears were very flopsy and she carried it with her wherever she went. But she had an older sister who was a bitch! Fucking cold bitch called Ronnie and he hated the little princess because she knew that their Mummy and Daddy loved the little Princess more. Now one day Mummy and Daddy took the little Princess away with them to Wonderland for the day and the little Princess was very sad because she would not see Flopsy all day, but Mummy and Daddy said it was okay because Ronnie would take care of him. And Ronnie took up Flopsy in her arms and scratched him behind the ears just where he liked it and he was very happy and Mummy and Daddy and the little Princess drove off in Daddys car and they all waved goodbye. And then Ronnie who was a wicked evil cunt, put down Flopsy in their big backyard and went inside to listen to her stereo, and she left the side gate wide open. Well Flopsy, who was a very curious bunny rabbit, hopped over to the gate and what did he do? He jumped right on through and he hopped about in the front yard where he played under the sprinkler and munched on some flowers and had so much fun. Until the dogs came. And they chased that rabbit like a gunshot across the road and back again and up and down the lawn till its little heart exploded and it fell down dead of fear. And then they tore it open like a watermelon. And when all the barking stopped, Ronnie turned off her stereo and came outside and shooed the dogs away.

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And when the little Princess got home she looked everywhere for little Flopsy and when she found him. Her heart was full of so much love that it swelled and burst and she fell down dead on the lawn beside him. Poor little kid. Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Fuck! Yeah. What happened to the parents? They got divorced. What happened to Ronnie? She got drunk on the beach with a big white bear.

Rabbit takes her head off and looks at him. Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Youre not Alice? Or Jessica. What are you thinking? Are you sorry? Does that change anything?

Bear unzips Rabbits back. She is sitting inside the suit. Knees up. He slowly uncovers her. Peels back the cocoon. A young woman. She wears a T-shirt and underwear.

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Bear Rabbit Bear Rabbit Bear

You look sorry. Fly away butterfly. I want to stay. Okay. Lets go swimming.

Rabbit nods her head. They are very close now. She makes a noise in her throat. Soft. Bear Rabbit Bear Fuck me? Youll break. Just hold me then.

The two sit side by side on the beach. Neither of them move.

END.

2003 Caleb Lewis

RocketBaby
by Caleb Lewis

2003 Caleb Lewis

A video camera stands on a tripod onstage. A young girl, Becca, enters. She is wearing a Gepps Cross Primary School uniform and carries a schoolbag. She puts down the bag, checks her hair, straightens her top, and readies herself. Becca presses record on the camera and begins.

Hi. This video is for Toni Pearen. If youre not her, can you please eject it now? Dont watch any more okay? And can you make sure she gets it? Its really important. Thanks.

Okay
Hi. (Waves) My name is Rebecca Daly Potter but my friends call me Becca. Im in Grade Four at Gepps Cross Primary School. Thats in South Australia; Gepps Cross; and Im ten. I like netball, roller-skating, jazz ballet and watching TV. TV is my favourite invention. Dad says hed rather watch a sunrise on telly because you get better colours. Plus, you can watch a thunderstorm on telly without getting wet; Or a fight without getting blood on you. Real life is boring but on telly, people are beautiful and life is more exciting.

You look so pretty on TV. Dad says youre a babe. He says youve got lips meant for kissing and legs for the bedroom. I used to think youd be a cool big sister. Do you have a little sister? Have you seen Spiderman? Its my favourite movie. 'Funniest home Videos' is my favourite show. Same as Mum

I met you once. At Hollywood Plaza Shopping Centre. It was in school holidays and we had to line up for ages. There must have been infinity people; nearly all of Gilles Plains was there! Tommy was crying and my feet were sore and Dad was getting grumpy cos people kept pushing in. Plus, we had just done a shop and the ice cream was melting all over Mums new garden gnome. Mum blamed Dad for putting the ice cream on top and Dad said Mum was the one who wanted the bloody ice cream so now they werent talking.

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But you were so nice when we finally met you. You made everything better. I got all nervous and hid behind Mum and Mum said, Stop being silly Becca." "Shes not normally like this but you only had eyes for me. Well look at you. What an adorable little poppet. Thats when you said it. When you called me a poppet; do you remember? Then you signed autographs for me and Mum. I collect them. So far Ive got three. Yours and Mums and Mr McMurtry from school. He was on Wheel of Fortune, but he didnt win. Anyway yours is my favourite. You wrote: To the sweetest little poppet in the whole wide world. Love Toni Pearen. Then you asked Dad if he wanted an autograph and Dad said How about your phone number? and Mum hit him. Then a man took a photo of us all together and Mum got it framed and put it in the lounge room on top of the telly. Dads blinking. Mums got lipstick on her teeth. Tommy is crying and Im looking at you. You look just like an Angel. I bet in Heaven everyone looks like you. Your hair is perfect and your eyes are blue and youve got the nicest smile ever. I cant believe how white your teeth are. You must spend all day brushing them. Not like Dad. His are yellow but thats because he smokes. He used to look nice all the time but he doesnt care so much now Mum and Dad met working at Holden. Dad was in charge of mounting the steering wheels, which is a very important job because a car isnt much use without a steering wheel. It would be all right on straight roads but if you had to turn a corner Dad said youd be stuffed. He had a lot of responsibility. Mum worked in the canteen. Dad said Mums job was the most important because without Mum to make the lunches, every bastard would starve to death and then nothing would get done. Mum liked Dad heaps. She thought he was handsome. Dad said Mum was Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all. He couldnt wait to for lunchtime just sos hed get to see her. Mum too. She said the mornings used to drag.

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Dad would always get two meat pies and a strawberry milk and then Mum would say: Is there anything else? But Dad was thick as a brick. Hes just say No thanks Pet, and leave. Mum thought maybe he was a poofter but Dad says he was just shy. And then one day Dad lined up and Mum figured if she waited for him to pop a move shed die of old age. So she asked Dad to see a movie. Dad said yes. Then Dad asked Mum out to dinner. Mum said yes. And then a bit later, Dad asked her to marry him. Mum said Ask Grandad. And Grandad said yes so they got married. Not Dad and Grandad. Dad and Mum. And they had me and Tommy and then we got Tintin who is our dog and were all peas in a pod. Did you always know you were gonna be famous? I want everyone to remember me. Do you have to be pretty? I wish I had pierced ears. And you have the best laugh. I am trying to learn it. (Laughs) See. Trudi says if she shuts her eyes I sound just like you. (Laughs again) Trudi and Jane are my best friends. Jane is pretty but I am the best at skipping. Trudi is from Darwin; her mum is really nice. Sometimes my mum got sad. Dad didnt worry. Sometimes life just turns out different to what you expect. But he still knew how to make Mum smile. Like when we went to Lakes Entrance; Dad took us all on a holiday to cheer Mum up. We stayed in a caravan! With a toilet and a TV and everything! And we went blackberrying and digging for worms to go fishing and I caught two flatheads. Mum cooked them up for lunch with salad and chips and then Dad shouted everyone ice creams. After lunch, Dad let me shoot cans with his gun. We lined six cans up on the fence and I got four! When Mum saw, she went mental. I said I was sorry and Dad told her to calm down but that only made her madder. They had a massive fight and Mum said she was leaving him but Dad said he loved her and was never gonna let her go. Mum was crying, me and Tommy were upset and Dad was mad as hell. All cos of me. I shut my eyes and prayed so hard. And you heard me. The telly was still on. Harrys Practise was just finishing. And then you came on. It was Australias Funniest Home Videos! First, and old lady fell over (grin)

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Then a fat kid stacked his bike (little smile) And then a guy in a bear suit got kicked in the nuts!!! And even though we were all upset, we started laughing. When people get hurt, it makes you laugh. Even if you dont want to, you just cant help it. By the end of the show Mum was giggling and Dad was cracking jokes and it was like we were a family in a movie. When you smiled at me I got goose bumps all over. You dont wear much on telly. Dont you get cold? Even if you were freezing, you must have to smile anyway. Sometimes the dresses you wear are so small, I think youre gonna pop out of them. Dad reckons thats a video hed pay money to see. Did you like school? I got an F in Maths off Mr McMurtry. If hes so smart, how come he didnt win Wheel of Fortune? I waited for Mum to pick me up and I had an excuse all ready. Its because he doesnt like me. Trudi says hes a robot! But she never came. Dad picked us up instead: He bought me and Tommy Barney Bananas and then he told us Mum had left. She left a not on my pillow that said to take care of Tommy and Tintin. We were peas in a pod, she wrote: Sorry she hadnt been a very good Mum. Dad was so mad. Mum rang a few times but she wouldnt say where she was. I heard Dad ask her please to come home and then yell at the phone till she hung up on him. I dont know why she had to be so mean. He only wanted her to come back. Dad said Mum was running away and if she had anything to say to us then she could say it to our face. So Mum stopped calling. Thats when I got a promotion and Dad made me the new Mummy. Just for temporary. I had to make our school lunches and change Tommys nappies and wash up the dishes

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after tea. I did a real good job but Dad still missed Mum. He didnt work anymore. He just stopped going in so I guess all the cars only drove in straight lines. Whats this? (Becca does a wiggly hand motion through the air) I dont know but here comes another one. (Becca repeats the motion; she laughs) Dad taught me that. Thats a good one.

Becca reaches down into her schoolbag and takes out the shattered head of a garden gnome. This is Doc. He was Mums favourite; thats why I keep him. I tried gluing him back together with bits of other gnomes but he looked like Franken-Gnome so I stopped. Now I just keep his head. I found him in the backyard with the others. They were all lined up in a row and smashed. It was weird: All these little broken bodies with their faces still smiling. I found Dad in the shed with the gun. He was sitting in the dark, looking at it like it was singing to him. Dad? Daddy? I started crying and when Dad looked up his eyes were empty. I made a strawberry milk to make him feel better. Once Dad got cheered up he had a big pink moustache. It was pretty funny - except for the gun. He kept squeezing my hand and telling me he loved me. By the time he felt better my hand was killing from all the squeezing. Then Dad made me promise never to go into the shed and to leave his stuff alone. We looked at the photo on top of the telly and sat down to watch your show. It was a good one. Heaps of people got hurt - and you looked prettier than ever. Thats when Dad got the idea on how to get Mum back First thing is, we sold the Kingswood and got five hundred dollars, which is nearly a million. Dad loved that car more than anything but he said Mum was worth more and it was a shitbox anyway. He put the money towards a brand new video camera with a night-light and everything. And even though I knew Dad was broke, thats how serious he was about getting Mum back.

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Dad took the video camera everywhere. He used to film us all day: Playing Nintendo, or in the bath, or in our cubby. And we would just wait for something funny to happen. Dad said we did funny things all the tie. He reckoned if we got on Funniest Home Videos, then Mum would see her little babies on telly, and miss us all so much that she would just have to come back. But nothing funny happened. Just normal stuff like Tintin scratching or me watching cartoons. Dad got mad then; he said we werent being funny enough. Whats the matter Becca? Dont you want your Mum to come back? I did. But Dad didnt care about anything else. Not mowing the lawn, or wearing clean clothes, or even making tea for me and Tommy. I made tin spaghetti on toast for a week but after that me and Tommy were sick of it. Dads eyes were so red. I thought if something funny didnt happen soon then hed rub them right out of his head. He started keeping me from home so he could film us all the time. I missed my friends but Dad said there was plenty of time for friends and only ten hours of daylight. I didnt show him how to work the night-light. Becca? Daddys not mad, hes just tired. Do something funny Becca. Make Daddy laugh. DO SOMETHING FUNNY FOR THE CAMERA BECCA! OH WHY CANT YOU BLOODY RELAX! I tried to be funny, honest I swear, but it was no use. Dad got so mad and it only made me flustered. He didnt sleep anymore. Hed film us all day and then go through the videos at night to see if hed missed anything. They were everywhere: stacked up like dominoes all over the house. Tommy used to knock them over all the time. Then he got sick. Chicken Pox. When the doctor left, Dad punched a hole in the wall. We couldnt afford the medicine; Dadd spent all our money on tapes.

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I dont believe this; I dont bloody well believe it. God made Tommy sick. He is deliberately stopping anything funny from happening! Well theres no bloody way Im selling the camera so wed all better pray for a miracle! I got your photo off the telly and I prayed to you all night. The first time something funny happened was on accident. I was outside and Tintin got bit by a bee. Tintin is our dog. Hes a labradoodle, which is a cross between a Labrador and a poodle and Dad reckons the dumbest dog that ever lived. He started running around in circles doing the funniest little bark. I called Dad and he filmed it right when Tintin ran straight into the wall. Dad said it was the funniest thing hed ever seen. Tintin lay still on the ground for a while but then he got better except for a bump on his noggin and we all went inside and watched it on telly. Dad was so proud of Tintin and gave him the biggest hug and were happy cos Dad was. The next day we put Tintin on a rope under the almond tree. Dad said that the video from yesterday was good but if we wanted to win Funniest Home Videos then we had to have something special. So me, Dad and Tommy were all throwing rocks at the beehive up top of the tree. Dads rock missed but I got a bullseye and the bees came out straight away. They sounded really angry. Dad got the camera. Tintin was barking. We were all laughing. Till they started biting him. It was like they didnt know it was a joke. They were really trying to hurt him. There was nothing he could do cos he was chained up. They bit him everywhere. He started yelping and rolling around on the ground but they just kept biting him. He tried to bite em back but they were too many. He looked so cared. I wanted to help him but more and more bees kept coming out of the hive. Then Tommy ran over to shoo them away. I screamed and Dad dropped the camera Have you got a dog? Whats his name? I bet youve got lot of pets. Cats and dogs and little baby mice, and you all live together in a big old house. I could help you look after them. I could take them for walks and give them baths and help feed them. It would be great.

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Tintin wouldnt stop howling. Dad grabbed Tommy and pulled us both inside. But I could still see through the window. I saw Dad get the hose and squirt the bees till they were dead. I saw him untie Tintin and carry him into the house. Tintin lay still. Only his eyes were rolling round. His coat was wet and there were little drowned bees all over him. It was so quiet. His tongue was swollen. He couldnt breathe properly. You could hear a whistle in his throat. When he went to sleep, Dad took him out behind the swimming pool and buried him. Im so sorry Becca The bees are bastards for doing this Im sorry. That night Dad climbed up the tree, cut down the hive, and burned it. Me and Tommy watched telly in the lounge, until you came on. I switched it off. I went back to school. It was so good to see Trudi and Jane. I even missed Mr McMurtry. Tommy still had chicken pox so he couldnt go back to kindy. He just sat on the seesaw and scratched. We werent to tell anybody what had happened. Dad said Tintin had run away. When I got home, the camera and the tapes were gone. Dad had cleaned the house, which was getting pretty messy, and he said he was going back to work. We ordered pizza for a treat and played Hungry Hungry Hippos. I drank heaps of coke. Dad said Mum didnt know what she was missing out on. Things were back to normal, just we didnt have a mum, thats all. Or a dog. I won Hungry Hippos twice then Dad and me tucked Tommy into bed. We both plonked on the couch, but I must have sat on the remote. The telly flicked on and you were there. Watch out for Australias Funniest Home Videos Grand Final. Theres a million dollar prize with your name on it; so what are you waiting for? Get filming now. Dad put down the remote. He reached for a pen.

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The mailing address flashed up on the screen; Dad wrote it down. And you blew me a kiss goodbye. When I looked at Dad, he was sitting very still.

What do you think is funniest? Videos with animals getting hurt or ones with people? I remember on the show you said: Never work with kids or animals except on Funniest Home Videos, and then you use them both! Dad started writing down ideas: Me slipping on a banana peel; Tommy getting hit by a ball or chased by a pelican at the zoo. I had heaps of ideas for Tintin but we didnt have a dog anymore. Dad said whatever it was, it had to be memorable. I know youre not supposed to set the funny videos up but Dad said it wasnt cheating because it was all for a good cause. Anyway if the person still gets hurt then its still true; they are truly getting hurt. Thats what makes it funny! The next morning Dad woke us up early. Come on Sport. Today is the day we get your mum back. It might hurt a bit but I know Ive got tough kids. Dad dressed Tommy up like a spaceman. He had a little silver bike helmet and a long red cape and bits of alfoil that we stuck to his pyjamas. When he finished, Tommy looked really good. Then Dad got the ladder for me to climb up onto the roof. Im afraid of heights It was really high and I didnt want to climb up. Dad said not to worry. Hed be watching the whole time, through the camera

Beat

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Tommy sat waiting on the seesaw by the pool. Dad stood on the lawn. They both looked at me.

Beat I got up on the roof. Dad counted down. Three Two One Go! Is Mr McMurtry really a robot? Wouldnt he be much older? Tina says hes got a magic battery and thats what keeps him young. How cool would that be?! You could live together, and youd never have to die.

Beat Dad blew the whistle. I jumped off the roof. My foot caught in the guttering and I tripped and fell head first into the seesaw. Tommy shot up into the air like a spaceman, hit the side of the house and bounced off into the pool. Dad dropped the camera. It felt like my nose had exploded. The police took Dad away and the ambulance took me and Tommy. They put him in a little black bag. It looked like what the pizzas come in but this one had Tommy in it. We said it was an accident but they took Dad anyway. At the police station they asked me lots of questions. A man gave me a barney banana and they let me watch TV. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I wasnt alone anymore: You were with me. Your whole body was glowing with love and you smiled at me like Mum used to. I thought youd be upset but you werent mad at all. You were proud of me. Thats when I finally understood. Mum would come back now and everything would be all right. There was just one more thing I had to do. I sent in the tape.

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You called it Rocket-Baby. And when you showed it on TV, I knew Mum would see it and she would come and get me. But she never came. Maureen Quandock from Toowoomba won the million dollars and her little boy is still alive. He just got pooed on by a bird. Tommy broke his neck and drowned in our pool. And we came second. Second. I sent you in the tape just like I was sposed to. You said Make Australia laugh and my wish would come true. Wheres my mum? Why hasnt she come back? You tricked me! We were sposed to come first not second. I dont want another video camera; I dont care about a stupid TV. All I want is the million dollars. Because my Dad is in hospital and my brothers dead and my Mum hasnt come back and you keep on grinning like a retard! You keep playing that video every week, with that stupid voiceover and all the people laughing; Ive seen my brother die five times this year and I dont want to see it anymore! I want my Mum back. And Dad and Tintin and Tommy. And for you to say youre sorry. I hope you die on TV and everyone is laughing at your funeral. I hope theres a stupid voice in a stupid made-up accent, going, Heres dead Toni Pearen; she slipped on a banana peel and broke her neck. What a stupid fucking bitch! Im sorry for swearing. You can bleep it out when you play it on telly. I want you to send the million dollars to my Nanna. Her address is 18 Sunshine terrace, Gilles Plains, South Australia. And I want you to put this on telly. Becca takes up her school bag and rests it on her lap. She looks up.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Why do you laugh when people get hurt?

Becca pulls out the gun and puts it to her head. Put this on your show.

Blackout. END.

2003 Caleb Lewis

The Half Windsor

by Caleb Lewis

2003 Caleb Lewis

Back alley. A bum lies inert on the ground. He is covered in layers of excess clothing; there is an old army surplus blanket draped over him. All you can see of the man underneath is one hand, palm upwards, stretched outwards in repose. He has a cardboard sign, Please Help. Lost in Sydney, Trying to get back to Newcastle A foam cup lies on its side by the sign. It is empty.

A man enters. He wears a neat business suit and a smart tie. He is young and well off. He carries a briefcase. He sees the bum, passes, stops, looks back. He stands there awkwardly for some time, unsure what to do. He begins to leave and then steals himself. Man Hey mate? Are you all right? Hello, can you hear me?

No reaction. The man looks around to see if anybody is around. He kicks him lightly. Nothing. The man kneels down. They are inches apart. He reaches for the blanket and starts to slowly pull it back. The bums hand locks on his arm like a steel trap.

Tableau

The bum screams and backs away from the man into a tight ball. Bum Gedddddaaaaawwwaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!! Dont you come any closer, do you hear me? Do you hear me?? Man Bum I hear you. You do? / Whaddaya want?

The man reaches for his briefcase and approaches him, palms open. Bum Geddaway! Getback!Getback!Getback! (Verbal shotgun blasts)

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man

Here. (He tosses the bum a sandwich) Its not poisoned Its ham and mustard.

Bum Man

Not poison? Ham and mustard. Thats all.

The bum unwraps the sandwich, still suspicious. He puts it to his mouth.

Man

It's good.

The bum stops. He rises up and holds the sandwich out in his grubby fist. Bum You eat it.

The man is uncertain. Bum Eat it!

The bum is layered in filth. The man clearly doesnt want to accept food from out of his sweaty mitt, but has no choice. He steps forward to take the sandwich and the bum pulls it away. The bum motions for him to take a bite out of his hand. He does so. Man Mmmmmmm

The bum watches him closely and waits for him to swallow. Long silence. Abruptly the bum breaks it and devours the sandwich. The man watches him in silence. When the bum is finished, he looks up. Bum You knocked my cup over. Sorry.

Man

2003 Caleb Lewis

Bum

Man like yous got everything; and he goes around knocking other peoples cups over.

Man Bum

Im sorry. I thought you were dead and / I was /You thought I was dead? I was dreaming. I was lying in a field of big yellow daffodils. No cold. No press of wet cardboard on my arse.

Man Bum Beat

I thought you were dead. This isnt living.

The bum gestures towards his cup Man Bum Man Bum I dont understand. Time is money. What? You wanna talk to me, you gotta pay the toll. I got other things to do you know. Man Bum Like what? Business meetings.

The man fumbles in his wallet and drops a dollar into the cup.

Bum Man

Youve got one minute. Okay.

2003 Caleb Lewis

The man steps forward ands kneels down to talk with the Bum. As he does so, he unwittingly steps onto the blanket. The bum screams in alarm. Bum Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!

The man steps back and the Bum snatches up the blanket and clutches it in his hands. Bum Man Bum Man Bum You got dirt on it! Im sorry. You got dirt all over my blanket. Whats it worth to you? Twenty.

Man Bum Man Bum Man Beat Man Bum Man

Okay here, (He gives him twenty dollars) Now I want to talk to you about I changed my mind. What? It costs fifty now. You said twenty.

No. We had a deal. Twenty. Fifty. Thirty five.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Bum Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum

Fifty Forty. Fifty. No. Thats not how it works. Yeah Yeah? Yeah

Man Bum

Okay here, (he gives him fifty dollars) now give me back the twenty. Cant. Im keeping it. Compensation, for emotional damages Wrought upon me.

Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum

What? It means inflicted. Yes, I know what wrought means. Good for you. Times up. What? What did you expect for a buck? But I just gave you seventy dollars! For the blanket.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum Beat Man

Well I dont have any money! Then I dont have any time.

Thats a shame.

The man picks up his briefcase to leave, he has had enough. Bum Beat Bum Man Bum Man Bum Beat Man Here. I could buy it off you, if you like? Its not for sale. Everythings for sale. Not this Ill give you five minutes for it. Thats a pretty tie.

He takes off his tie and gives it to the bum. The bum attempts to put it on.

Bum Man

Five minutes. Ive got a proposition for you.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Bum Man Bum Man

Hit me. How long have you been here? Too long. Dont you get cold at night? There must be a shelter or a halfway house. Somewhere you can go.

The bum motions to the tie. Bum Man Are you gonna help? Here.

The bum kneels in front of the man. The man ties it for him. Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum Man Itll be winter soon. Is that a Windsor? The knot? Yes. Can you do a half Windsor? Why? I think they look better. Smart casual. Its good for the meetings. Right.

Beat. He shakes out the tie and reties it again in silence. Bum What do you want?

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum Man Bum Man

It's delicate. Fifty. What? For the blowjob. I dont want a blowjob.

Bum

Oh, (He drops his pants and bares his arse) Well it's your money.

Man Bum Man Bum Man

I want you to leave. What? This place. I want you out of here. But it's my home. No it's not.

Bum Man Bum Man

Yes it is. No it's not. Youre homeless. I own this place, its mine. Its yours? And I cant sell it. Not for a good price. Not with you sleeping on the doorstep.

Bum

I dont sleep on the doorstep.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum

Okay. You dont have a doorstep. If you had a doorstep I wouldnt be out here in the street.

Man Bum Man Bum Man

Whatever. Where am I supposed to go? Anywhere. Just not here. I dont have anywhere else. Thats not my problem.

Beat. They stare at each other in silence Man Beat Dont you have any family?

Man

What about Newcastle? It says on your sign youre trying to get to Newcastle. I could lend you the bus fare; I could give it to you.

Bum Man Bum

I dont want to go to Newcastle. Why not? Have you been there? Its a hole.

Man Bum

Well that may be / but Im not moving to Newcastle.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum Man

Look, Ill give you the money. Just, you know, fuck off. I dont like Newcastle. Yeah well / /I bloody hate Newcastle. Its a nice place. Great. You go live there. You dont want to go to Newcastle. I dont want to go to work every day. But we do what we have to do.

Bum Man

I have to stay here. No you dont. You sleep on a piece of cardboard, just pack it up and relocate. There are thousands of streets out there; why fight over this one?

Bum Man Bum Man

Because I was here first. Youve been out here every day begging for money. Busking. Begging. Help, Im stuck in Sydney, trying to get to Newcastle, the sign says.

The bum flips the piece of cardboard over. Another sign on the back. Please Help. I am deaf and dumb and have no money. Bum Dont believe everything you read.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum

Get a job! Ive got one. Sign-writer? Entrepreneur Get up! I want you gone now. Get up! Ive been coming here for years. Mrs Muir, she didnt mind me sleeping out front.

Man Beat Bum Man

Well Mrs Muir is dead!

Really? Really.

The man tries to snatch away the bums blanket. The bum grabs it fiercely And cries out. Bum Beat Man Bum Man Are you all right? She was good. Look. I just bought this place. Ive spent a lot of money doing it up. And I cant sell it with you camped out front. Try and be reasonable. Yeeeaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!

2003 Caleb Lewis

Bum Man Bum Man Bum

Im sleeping in the street. The house is for sale. You have to go. This is the street. I dont want to call the police. You already have; havent you? Public property mate. You bought the house cheap; you knew what you were getting into. You dont like the view out your window then fuck off!

Man Bum Man Bum

Youve got three days. Im not going. If you stay. Things will get bad. Bad? Im staying right here Sunshine and theres nothing you can say thats gonna change that. Im gonna haunt this place.

Man

I know a man. In three days time. If youre still here. Hes going to hurt you.

Bum

You want me to move, do it yourself. Why dont you piss or get off the pot.

Beat

The man puts down the briefcase. He approaches the bum and then stoops to drag The bum out of the alley. The man looks awkward and foolish. The bum will not budge.

2003 Caleb Lewis

He bites the mans arm. The man cries out and flips the bum over. The bum is still laughing. He tries to throw the man off him and is beaten down.

The Man takes the bums tie and starts to strangle him with it. The bum struggles and Cries out and the man freaks out. He drops the tie and backs away to the briefcase.

The bum starts laughing again. He takes up his blanket and waves it like a matador At the man. The bum gives the blanket a final flourish and turns his back on the man Bum You lost. Go home.

The man stands deadly still. Suddenly he strikes, swinging the briefcase directly at The bums face. The bum drops like a sack of shit. He slumps over under the blanket and is still Beat

The man stands over the body. An exact copy of the opening tableau. He peels Back the blanket from the bums face. Bum Yeeeaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!

The bum lurches to life and scares the shit out of the man. He jumps back startled. The bum is laughing menacingly. His whole face is a mess of angry red blood. His nose is shattered. He stops. Feels his nose. Bum Man Bum Beat Its broken You broke my nose. You bit me. Yeah, you felt that didnt you!

2003 Caleb Lewis

The bum is lying on the ground. He seems groggy. He pulls the sheet up over him. He takes the tie off his neck and holds it to his nose. Man Bum Man Bum Man Bum Man Beat Bum Man Youre all hollow. Do you know how much this place is worth? And she was just sitting here. Not doing anything. Just waiting to die. Bum Man Bum Man Bum All hollowed out. Youre empty. Nothing there. Youve got blood on the tie. Keep it. No, it's yours. I dont want it anymore. Its stained. Shes not dead. Who? Mrs Muir. They put her in a home. Who did? Her family. How do you know? Shes my mum.

2003 Caleb Lewis

Man Bum

So what? It's only blood. Well get it cleaned. Some things dont go away that easy.

The bum slumps back on the concrete. Man Beat Man Hey mate? Hello? Can you hear me? Itll come out. See look; it's coming out.

END

2003 Caleb Lewis