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RECESSION SEX TIPS, PAGE 6

Sports pg 4 Celebrity Buzz


Hopscotch takes Fozzie
over the Bear
city found
OTTAWA•THURSDAY,
O AWA•THURSDAY, APRIL 2
2,, 2009 emtronews.ca
s.caa
guilty
pg 5

Beaten bird
U of O searches for

Photo by Mr. Potatoe Head


HELP Protection Services
were called to duty Satur-
day when a drunken Carle- the ultimate
ton Ravens mascot stepped
onto U of O territory and
tried to fight the Gee-Gee
mascot. According to an
Dogfather
eyewitness, feathers were For other students, it
Isabella Renfrew
flying everywhere while the for Emtro Canada is about the prices. Al-
Gee-Gee proceeded to beat though competition is
the Raven. After standing
It’s that time of year good because it forces low-
again, when the grass er prices, some students
around watching the fight,
is green and the aaroma find it difficult to choose
Protection officers then
of hot dogs fill th
the air. the [right] hot dog stand.
asked the bird to migrate U of O students aare in “I always feel bad
back to its own campus. the market for not ononly the for choosing one stand
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
best tasting dog bu but also over the other,” second-
the least expensive option.
o year history student
Students have the choice
cho of Regina Falange said.
Transportation three different vendo
vendors: the At Dalhousie University
BUS Ottawa’s transporta- white shack located near in Halifax, students have
tion company vowed to the Simard parking lot, the stability of the “Dogfa-
raise student ridership af- which offers combo
combos with ther,” who has become an
ter the winter bus strike by fries; or one of th
the two iconic symbol of the uni-
offering Halloween toffees stands across from versity. The Dogfather has
to every fifth student pas- one anothe
another on been serving Dalhousie stu-
senger. To be eligible for Laurier A Avenue dents for 20 years. Accord-
the prize, students must near Taba- ing to fourth-year fisher-
present their identification ret Hall. man student John Citadel,
cards, donate 25 cents to For “the Dogfather is very pop-
some ular because he offers the
OC Transpo, pocket a piece
students street me meat is best street meat in Halifax
of garbage from the bus,
street meat, but for others
o with the best prices.” Due
and agree to reach their
it is about the qual
quality of to growing requests, the
destination by foot. the hot dogs. Accord
According to
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Dogfather has expanded
a source that wishes to re- his services and now offers
main anonymous, th h hot
the grocery products, making
Litter bug Byress! dogs from the white shack his stand a one-stop shop.
GARBAGE Heiney Byress are far too small to bbe con- “The U of O should hold
has been accused of lit- sidered street meat and a competition to find our
because of this, she p prefers very own Dogfather who
tering in New York City.
to purchase from o one of would be forced to main-
The famed actress and
lip-syncher was shopping
Up in arms! the Laurier Avenue stands.
s tain affordable prices for
U of O students recently gathered at a random spot on “Wieners are aalways students,” said Falange.
in SoHo when she report-
campus on March 27 to join in a national mobilization. They better when they ar are big-
edly let a napkin fall to the
jumped to signify the recent jump in tuition fees. ger,” said the anony- a
sidewalk. According to eye
mous hot dog aficionado. Foot Patrol
witness accounts, Byress FEET Recommendations to
made no effort to retrieve
the napkin, but instead
continued walking. The
Canadian federal parties unite under recession pressure rejuvenate Foot Patrol ser-
vices were implemented
this week. Students will
teen sensation denies the tempt to provide aid to the forming this coalition will smaller parties such as the now be able to choose
allegations and has taken Sylvia Marpole between regular and tap
for Emtro Canada Conservatives during the be to offer every single par- Marijuana Party of Canada,
to her YouTube account, dancing services, accord-
economic crisis. The co- ty the one law or regulation the First Peoples National
declaring, “This is just a ing to Thomas O’Malley
COALITION Leaders from alition hopes to unify the they wish to see enforced in Party of Canada, and the of Foot Patrol services.
bunch of mean lies.”
each federal political party country under a govern- Canada,” said Communist Canadian Action Party. O’Malley hopes to incor-
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
met on Parliament Hill on ment that represents the Party of Canada spokesper- Duke Lurkey, a coali- porate other styles of
March 27 to discuss the interests of all the parties son Kirby Woolensworth. tion representative stated, dance in the near future to
possibility of a unified co- of Canada as opposed to The coalition itself con- “With everyone getting accommodate the diverse
student population
alition government. The the interests of only one. sists of both leading po- their way, conflicts should
at the university.
meeting itself was an at- “The most difficult part of litical parties, as well as the never arise.” EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
emtro emtronews.ca Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dinosaur
2 The remains of the world’s oldest known dinosaur were recently discovered in a mattress found in Stanton residence on March 26. The relics
were revealed after two first-year engineering students used the mattress to prevent freezing air from seeping into their dormitory. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Recession media
R

Local
T media industry is experiencing hardships during today’s difficult economic times,
The
which is good news for free papers. In an attempt to save money, readers are withdraw-
w
ing from newspaper subscriptions and opting for picking up free daily papers before
in
getting onto public transit. “The recession has forced our family to make major cutbacks.
g
P
Picking up a free paper saves me that much more every month,” said Flora Barbossa, a
former loyal newspaper subscriber. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
fo

Slates allowed at the U of O?that would allow the Uni- would be able to proudly do more for the enviroment nancial situations as well. of recession, this will be
Sylvia Marpole
for Emtro Canada versity of Ottawa to take say they made a differ- than any other univer- “Instead of purchasing extremely beneficial.”
the next big step towards ence,” said Greenwood. sity. By using slate boards tons of paper, binders, Meetings between the U
Slates may have a place protecting the environ- The administration and chalk, we will be sig- pens, and even printers, of O administration and
at the U of O after all. ment: bringing back the is preparing a series of nificantly reducing the it will only be necessary environmental groups
As Earth Hour wrapped slate board and chalk. meetings with environ- amount of paper we buy, for students to purchase will take place in June and
up on March 28, repre- Stacy Greenwood, pres- mental professors and ultimately cutting down one or two slates per July. By September 2009,
sentatives from various ident of Go Green or Go student groups before fewer trees,” said Birch. class,” explained Green- students can expect to
campus environmental Home presented the idea making any decisions. Go Green or Go Home and wood. “These slates can use a slate board in class,
organizations such as to the administration. “This will really help the Tree Huggers of the U of O be reused as many times but not when it comes to
Go Green or Go Home and “With the high number environment,” said Edward also noted that slates will as needed to complete running in the Student
Tree Huggers of the U of O of students purchasing pa- Birch, professor of tree benefit not only the envi- assignments, tests, and Federation of the Univer-
met to propose an idea per worldwide, the U of O studies. “We will be able to ronment, but students’ fi- to take notes. In a time sity of Ottawa elections.

Homesick
Harper She’s a killer Queen
Darla Norrington son would rebel against the
for Emtro Canada
COWBOY Prime Minister monarchy. He grew up just a
Stephen Harper was poor boy from a poor family.
spotted at Loeb on Rideau England is in a state of “We were just try-
Street March 27 shop- chaos after several top- ing to spare his life from
ping for drink mix before secret documents were this monstrosity,” said Su-
heading out to one of the stolen from the Secret Intel- san Bohemian, Mercury’s
ByWard Market’s trendy ligence Service in London adoptive grandmother.
nightclubs. Sources say last Friday and were pub- Mercury is now said
Harper wanted to find a lished online hours later. to be the true heir to the
country bar because he is The documents, available throne, and according to his
starting to get homesick for public viewing at queen- will, the remaining band
for Alberta and thought vsqueen.com, reveal a secret members are expected to
a hoedown would get his kept by the British mon- inherit all his worldly pos-
mind off the recession. archy for years. It appears sessions. The bandmates
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES that Freddie Mercury, the are also to be formally of-
late lead singer of the rock fered the throne at a cer-
band Queen, is the son of emony on April 7 but have
Queen Elizabeth II. The de- already pledged to accept.
tails can be found on the site “We look forward to hon-
created by the thief, whose ouring Freddie’s memory
identity is still unknown. through our leadership,”
Mercury was allegedly put said guitarist and fu-
up for adoption based on the ture king Brian May.
advice given by a psychic, Queen Elizabeth II was
who predicted that the new not available for comment.
Thursday, April 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
LOCAL
Producer, Elgin Somerset
Director, Laurier York
NATIONAL
Assoc Director, Lewis Richmond
Exec Director, Clarence Friel
Asst Director, Kent Slater
Assoc Exec Director, Sparks O’Connor
Asst Exec Director, Albert Metcalfe
Key Grip, Waller Daly
Best Boy Grip, George St. Patrick
Dolly Grip, Lyon Cooper
3

Local
Comment & Views
This town needs a blow-up doll! in Ottawa. Some say Ka- reton Flats? It’s there. ing things full of hot air smaller, but we’ll be able give up our bid to host the
Eye on the beat nata. Some say Lansd- Garlic Festival in Perth? and then deflating them to rent out our stadium to 2016 World Lawn Darts
of the city’s pulse owne Park. Give it long Sure, it can do that too— a short while later. How- other cities that may be in Championship, for one—
Roger S. enough, and someone will provided Perth promises ever, given the rate we’ve need of another one. I can but I think in the end,
probably suggest Carp. to wash it afterwards. gone through elections only imagine what this it’ll be worth it. The sheer
Marterthanu
However, the solution Now I know what you’re lately in Canada, I don’t would do for Ottawa’s flexibility of this stadium
to this debate is a simple probably thinking: you’re think it will be too hard tourism industry, with the (both literal and figura-
one: we buy an inflatable wondering about the un- to find many out-of-work free advertising of having tive) will be of untold
stadium. Think about doubtedly terrifying idea members of Parliament. Ottawa’s stadium wob- value to Ottawa. So let’s
Over the last year, it’s it—we can put it virtu- of the logistics of this in- The other great thing bling gently in the breeze stop tiptoeing around the
become pretty hard not ally anywhere, whenever flatable stadium. Grant- about having an inflatable in Toronto or Montreal. issue, and put something
to get swept up in the we need it. Football game ed, this would require a stadium is the monetary Yes, it’s true, this sta- up! And then take it down
debate about where to at Lansdowne Park? No dedicated team of people benefit. Not only will dium will require some again, and put it up some-
build a new stadium here problem. Concert at LeB- trained in the art of pump- the initial investment be sacrifice—we’ll have to where else. And so on.

Letters of the week


For your consideration money to which I am outside my shop every
entitled. Please, if you day. No matter what, they
I hope this letter is find- could help me create a end up blowing all over
ing you well. I am writing bank account to hold the the place after people take
with news that is of the funds temporarily by them out of the stand and
unfortunate nature: my sending your name, job then just leave them some-
uncle, Ibadon Edwafe, a title, and credit card and where, littered on the
wealthy Nigerian busi- social security numbers, I sidewalk. And don’t even
nessman, is no longer of promise you will be given talk to me about what it
this world. His will has 25 per cent of the total as looks like after it rains.
left me $27.5 million in compensation. Thank you. I actually think that the
American money, but snowstorm-like conditions
as it is found in a Swiss ABDUL DIABANTE caused by your paper out-
bank account, I am not side my shop are driving
able to access it. So I wish Sick of the trash people away! So please,
to extend you an offer to just stop delivering your
help me in a manner of I own a small coffee shop papers to places like this;
peace and friendship and on Bank Street, and I’ve it just makes a mess and
of mutual benefit. I need just got to say I’m sick of annoys nearly everyone.
someone in your country copies of Emtro being de-
to help me receive the livered to the bus stop MARISSA EDELWEISS

Your view: Do you think the city is adequately enforcing bylaw 481516.2342?

Alex Kate Mark Sarah William Sam


Thompson McGillis O’Brian Westmore Shakespeare Labelle
age 23, Ottawa age 26, Ottawa age 21, Georgetown age 19, Ottawa age 444, London age 20, Ottawa

A: Why the hell do A: Enterprises A: Well, I’ve been


A: I, uh... well... I A: Man, I love this A: I’m not actually
you keep following of great pith and thinking this one
think that... song! from around here. Hey,
wait... I can’t believe Iddon’t
o suppose you-
on me? I told moment, with this over a lot lately, and
hmmm, it wasn’t could tell me where I
coul you to regard, their currents once you get
a hit! can ffind fuck turn awry, right down to
what
a and lose it, I think it’s
was off!
good the name of pretty obvi-
the action.
place
plac ous that
question?
to O. J. did it.
eat?
emtro emtronews.ca Thursday, April 2, 2009
HELP FOR PHELTS
4 World-renowned swimmer Michael Phelts was arrested last night for suspicion
of d
dru
ru use. Police found him swimming in a pool filled with white powder. SPORTSDRUGS.COM
drug

Freak accident

Sports
Local
O
Ottawa Senators left-winger Dany Speza suffered a horrific accident in the March 24
game against the Montreal Canadiens. In a grave series of mishaps, Speza ended up
g
on the ice with Canadiens centre Sack O. Coyvue’s skate stuck in his head. Doctors were
o
unable to remove the skate due to risk of brain damage and massive bleeding. Speza
u
will play the rest of the season with a custom-made helmet to fit around the skate.
w
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

U of O student saves the season for the Sens Athletes


Fourth-year Uni- surprising the team every

need to learn
HOCKEY
versity of Ottawa molecu- time. With Pascale Leclaire
lar biology student Jason constantly riddled with in-
Smart has made it big. juries, Smart might just be
Just over four weeks ago
he was discovered by an
Ottawa Senators scout do-
ing what he does best—
the go-to goalie next season.
“I couldn’t believe my
luck,” said Keagan. “I be-
lieve this kid could win
the hard way
playing the part of a solid us the Stanley Cup … In the doghouse ing is hard, but come
brick wall at the goal line. clearly not this year, but on, they love every sec-
Smart was spotted by Michael ond of it! The rest of
in the years to come.” the world works over-
Sens scout Joe Keagan while Since joining the Sena- Wick time just to make ends
playing a casual game with tors, Smart boasts an amaz- meet—if they are lucky
friends on a public rink in ing .906 save percentage. enough to work at all.
late February. Smart—wear- He has dropped out of his In December 2007, New When does Joe the
ing sofa cushions as goalie program at the U of O and is York Yankees third Plumber get a break?
pads and using a branch living his childhood dream. baseman Alex Rodri- Here are a few of my
for a goalie stick—taunted “I saw this kid literally cushion goalie pads with guez signed the rich- suggestions for athletes
“Every kid who grows est contract in baseball to spread the love—and
his opponents and let noth- stand on his head,” said real ones and took over for up in Canada dreams history with a 10-year, by that I mean wealth:
ing by him. He even man- Keagan. “Despite his hobo Alex Auld in the Senators’ of playing professional $275-million deal,
aged to score a goal—with look, I knew he was the net. Brian Elliot was soon hockey,” said Smart. “I meaning he is making a 1. Autograph $100 bills.
his eyes closed. The scout goalie for the Senators.” relegated to the Bingham- just can’t believe how whopping $27.5 million
watched in awe from a park Only two days after be- ton Senators. Since then, quickly this all happened.” a season. Tiger Woods 2. On top of volun-
bench and approached ing spotted by Keagan, the Smart has led Ottawa to raked in close to $12 teering at shelters and
Smart after the game. 22-year-old replaced his victory game after game, EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
million in 2007, and hospitals, take the oc-
that does not include c a s i o n a l t e e n a g e r ’s
his $100 million in en- shift at Tim Hortons or

A hop, skip, and jump to success dorsements. Other


high-flying athletes in-
clude Shaquille O’Neal,
Alexander Ovechkin,
Burger King.

3. Dress up as the
team’s mascot and pay
HOPSCOTCH Last September, Public School have come “If that rich guy gave five days a week during gym Oscar De La Hoya… people to hit you.
Eugene Melnyk, the owner together as the Trailblaz- us some money, we could class and all four members the list goes on. Mean-
while, the 99 per cent 4. Every time an athlete
of the Ottawa Senators, an- ing Hopscotchers—known get shirts,” said O’Connell, say that they are involved
that make up the rest gets fined, don’t give
nounced his plans to bring around the playground the Trailblazers’ captain. in after-school activities, of the world are strug- the money to the play-
another big franchise to the simply as the Trailblazers. The Trailblazers got some which help their strength gling for pennies. Even er associations; give it
city of Ottawa with a bid Joshua Lee, Kylie attention after a class-wide training and conditioning. Barack Obama, current to the fans—via the T-
for a Major League Soccer O’Connell, Alim Bashir, tournament proved them to “Me and Alim play United States president, shirt gun.
team. Although little has and Melissa Richards are be the four best hopscotch- soccer, Kylie takes ka- only makes approxi-
been heard since he placed on a mission to prove to ers in the third grade. After rate, and I forget what mately $250,000 a year. 5. Match every dol-
the bid, Ottawa sports fans the citizens of Ottawa, the devoting several recesses Melissa does,” said Lee. I think it’s fair to lar Charles Barkley
say it’s time for the owes to casinos with
need not fear; there is a new fifth grade bullies at École to honing their hopscotch The Trailblazers practise athletes of the world hot dogs given out at
sport in town. Hopscotch élémentaire publique Fran- skills, the Trailblazers broke during every recess at Vis- to take a bit of a hit. I games—that’s a lot of
may have been huge in the cojeunesse, and Melnyk that age-based barriers and count Alexander, but due to mean, they’re out there hot dogs.
‘80s, but it’s making a come- they have what it takes to be rose from near obscurity laws prohibiting adults from having fun, playing
back right here in Ottawa. Ottawa’s next big sports team as third-graders to notori- entering schoolyards, fans games and making mil- 6. Instead of hitting up
Four athletic third-grad- and the first-ever Canadian ety on a school-wide level. are not permitted to watch. lions. Some argue that the gym, offer rickshaw
ers at Viscount Alexander national hopscotch team. The Trailblazers work out EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
the work they are do- rides.

Hurry Hard!
CURLING In an unbe-
lievable turn of events,
Kazakhstan’s curling
team—new to the curl-
ing world—beat Cana-
dian skipper great Ross
Howard and his team of
veterans. The final score
was an astounding 101-2.
Howard was escorted out
of the rink
nk kicking
g and
screaming.
ng.
g.
WS SERVICES
EMTRO NEWS SERVI
RVI
RV
R VIICES
V CEEESS
C
Thursday,
ursd
daayy, Ap
A
April
prriili 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
The trial of Fozzie Bear
This week, Fozzie Bear was found guilty on charges of puppetslaughter after Bear allegedly attacked fellow Muppets castmate, Gonzo, due to excessive 5
ridicule about the sub-standard quality of his jokes. Fozzie Bear has been sentenced to four life terms to be served consecutively. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Where’s Wand-O?
Danny Ratcliff has broken his

Entertainment
Local
wand. The star, who has his
own reality film series Hairy
Potts, was unable to perform
even a simple Wingardium
Leviosa spell when asked by a
fan to sign his levitating poster.
Ratcliff regretfully declined the
request, explaining that his
wand was being repaired.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Canadian band changes name along with their lawyers tions for the controversial horse, Yukon last night by
Orson Bear and manager, declared changes were given, but a booing and heckling the
for Emtro Canada
that forthwith, Metric will source that is not particu- band during their perfor-
Two days ago, alternative- be known by the name larly close to any members mance, waving signs that
rock band Metric orga- Imperial. Highnes also of the band confirms that read “Down With Ameri-
nized a sudden and cha- affirmed that the band’s Highnes initially suggest- canization”, “Stay With
otic news conference to former albums will be re- ed the alteration, hoping The Times”, and “Speak in
announce that the band released under new titles it would make their mu- English, Measure in Met-
has decided to change its such as “Inches for Centi- sic more appealing to the ric”. The band was forced
name. Lead singer Emma metres, Ounces for Grams” U.S. market. Fans reacted to abandon the stage when
Highnes, who was joined and “How Many Miles to to the name change at the the audience began to pelt
by the rest of the band, the Gallon”. No justifica- band’s show in White- them with Beavertails.

Caught with her pants down The burden of


RUMOUR Lady Babynoises
is “shocked and embar-
rassed” at reports stating
that she has neglected to
Babynoises claims there
have been no repercussions
for the stylist, a representa-
tive for Babynoises confirms
Grammar crazy international collective In an act of solidarity,
choice
Roberto Patteysone, star
of the box-office sensation
Dusk, was recently spotted
Stephen Borsct at a Vancouver, B.C. 7-Elev-
wear pants for the entirety that the singer has hired a for Emtro Canada The Association of Well- “The Yardbirds” will be en. Patteysone is reported to
of her tour. The singer has pants supervisor to avoid Spoken Persons Con- changing their name to have spent several minutes
performed sold-out shows further Philanthropic celebrity cerned with the Correct “The 0.9144 Metre-Long considering a variety of soft
coast to coast in ad- mishaps. group The Celebrity Co- Usage of Clear and Prop- Birds”, “The Who” to drinks and flavoured water,
dition to several EMTRO NEWS alition for Formal Lan- er English, the CCFLU the more appropriate seemingly torn between
SERVICES guage Use (CCFLU), decided that the best way “To Whom Are You Re- Diet Pepsi and Evian. In the
late-night perfor-
has decided to go ahead to help children develop ferring?”, and the film end, his sweet tooth pre-
mances, such as the vailed, and he purchased a
with its controversial proper language skills is Are We There Yet? will
Pretty Late Block two-litre bottle of
plan to rebrand a multi- to ensure that the infor- be re-released under the
with Davey Note- tude of films, songs, and mation they are exposed new name Have We Ar- Diet Pepsi.
man, in nothing names to their proper to be based on a proper rived At Our Destination
EMTRO NEWS
SERVICES
but her knickers. equivalents. Citing a re- scientific, grammatical, at the Designated Time?.
TNX.com reports cent study performed by and stylistic approach.
that Babynoises
trusted her stylist
to ensure that she
was fully dressed
before going on
Are they from another planet?
WEIRD A memo, leaked
stage. While a by an anonymous source
source close to close to an Area 51 custo-
dian, states that there is

Stars do dental overwhelming evidence Gone, baby, gone


that The Jhonass Brothers
hygiene are in fact a trio of alien
spies. The memo alleges
BABIES Angina Happy is at-
tempting to return one of
TEETH Brinny Sparse was her children. A source close
that “significant intelli- to a friend of a friend of the
recently spotted leaving a
gence has been collected star explains that she did
Beverly Hills dentist office.
and it has been decided not realize it would prove so
Armed with a new tooth- difficult to manage the now
that The Jhonass Brothers
brush and a manual about half-dozen strong brood.
are actually aliens from
plaque build-up, Sparse The star, who is allegedly
walked quickly to a wait- the planet Xghtrswq, and
very conscientious about
ing car and sped away. A are in the process of brain- saving receipts, is currently
source close to the dentist washing the world’s youths filming in the Republic of
claims that the actress had through idiotic pop songs. Chad and is expected to
Evidence suggests that in- take a detour before return-
several cavities filled, due
vasion is impending.” Rep- ing to the U.S. in order to
to a neglect of her daily
rid herself of one or two
flossing. A publicist for resentatives from Area 51
of her young acquisitions.
the star denied the claim. have refused to comment. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
emtro emtronews.ca Thursday, April 2, 2009
From ‘guyliner’ to ‘mush’
6 According to makeup experts in Tokyo, “man blush” will soon replace eyeliner as the male makeup
product of choice. “Mush is the new guyliner,” the experts stated. MANTRENDZ.COM

Health & Beauty


Local
Low-cost love: Sex and dating Junk food
makes you
tips for life during the economic crisis fat: experts
South Korean nutrition
scientists revealed the
2. Condoms are basi- and nudity will get you ple, but if you must go, at 10. Instead of getting your results of decades of
Cherry Bomb
for Emtro Canada cally just fancy pieces of more attention anyway. least save money on drinks. sweetie a pricey piece of jew- research at a press con-
plastic shaped like penises, 5. Cigarettes are ex- Duct-tape a flask of Colt 45 ellery as a testament of your ference today. According
right? All you really need pensive, and those post- to your leg and offer a swig love, give a gift he or she to their findings, chips,
Sex, dating, and love
is a little Saran wrap or a coital smokes aren’t do- to anyone who looks lonely. can really use: food stamps. chocolate, and cook-
can be expensive in
sandwich baggie to keep ing you any favours. 8. Make a little ex- 11. Don’t use up valu- ies can make you fat.
these trying economic the baby batter at bay. Smoke raisins instead (we tra cash by selling your able bandwidth download- The announcement has
times—but they don’t 3. Forget overpriced res- hear first-and-a-half base mattress. Carpet burn ing porn from the Internet. thrown the world into
have to be! Try our tips taurants. Take your date on raisins is amazing). doesn’t hurt that much. Watch TV late enough on shock, forcing people
to keep some low-priced to a flaming garbage can 6. People who don’t 9. Men and women alike Saturday nights and you’ll everywhere to question
spice in your sex life. under an overpass, keep look like financial burdens naturally seek out part- be sure to catch a Discovery whether they are really
1. Why waste money on your valuables close, and are so en vogue. So try to ners who smell good, but Health Channel sex special, just big-boned. Critics
fancy lube when you can get to know each other over look like you don’t waste cologne and perfume are or even an episode of “Bleu have questioned the
just use Vaseline? If you’re a lukewarm can of beans. a lot of money on extras— far too expensive. Just rub Nuit” on TQS if you’re lucky. findings, citing one re-
really in a pinch, remember 4. Stop buying fancy new hygiene, for example. some toothpaste under 12. Fuck it, just mastur- searcher’s ties to broccoli
that everything’s better with clothes to attract potential 7. Bars and clubs are ex- your arms and behind your bate. Relationships are too farming.
butter (unsalted, of course). dates. You’ll save money, pensive places to meet peo- ears and you’re good to go. expensive. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Thursday, April 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
Today Tomorrow Two Saturdays from now
Raining cats and dogs
100 K / 92 K
Really damn hot
0K/2K
Expect a tsunami
50 K / 275 K
7

Take Five
Jonesing for jazzercise Sudoku in brief Emtro Recipe of the Day
EXERCISE Forget strip- ting fit to synthesized music. HOW TO PLAY Digits 1 through 9 will appear once in each
perobics: the hottest, tacki- “What really does it for me zone - one zone is an outlined 3x3 grid. Do not enter a
est exercise craze making is the soft-focus lens they used digit into a box if it already appears elsewhere in the same
a comeback across North back then,” said one would-be zone, row across, or column down the entire puzzle.
America is jazzercise. jazzerciser, who declined to
Jazzercise enthusiasts have give his name. “It’s so ethereal.”
been flocking to Value Vil- No one is quite sure of the
lage in droves to purchase old reasons for the renewed interest
VHS tapes from the ‘80s that in jazzercise, but some experts
feature hairsprayed, blue-eye- have speculated that American
shadowed vixens in high-cut Apparel is somehow involved.
leotards and ankle socks get- EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Sex hair now en vogue—literally


HAIRSTYLES Vogue Italia’s May
issue will carry a feature on
the latest trend in hairstyl-
stars with sex hair doing
the walk of shame after a
wild night,” Fromaggio ex-
2 1 Saturday Night Live-inspired
Taco Town Taco

INGREDIENTS:
will fill you with love, this
dish’s secret ingredient.
2. Fill crunchy taco shell with
ing: “sex hair”. The style plained. “It was only natural Crunchy taco shell beef. Put nacho cheese, let-

9
was described in a statement that this style would eventu- Cooked ground beef tuce, tomato, and southwest-
by Giovanni Fromaggio, the ally become fashionable.” Nacho cheese ern sauce on top.
Lettuce 3. Spread refried beans on-
magazine’s editor-in-chief, Trend-conscious women
Tomato flour tortilla.
as that messy, tangled, rat’s the world over have report- Southwestern sauce 4. Wrap tortilla around
nest of hair that a wom- edly already begun having Flour tortilla crunchy taco. Spread melted
an gets after having sex. sex marathons in an effort to Refried beans Monterey Jack cheese on
“The paparazzi are al- create the perfect sex-hair ‘do. Savoury corn tortilla corn tortilla.
ways shooting photos of EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Crossword in brief Monterey Jack cheese 5. Wrap corn tortilla around
Deep-fried gordita shell entire taco mess.
1 “Guacamolito” sauce 6. Spread special guaco-
Crossword across Corn husk molito sauce on deep-fried
Attraction? It’s elementary, my dear Watson 1 Undergraduate
Pico de gallo gordita shell and place taco
1 Parisian crepe monstrosity inside.
LITERATURE A recent poll found The same poll also surveyed student’s union Egg 7. Bake in corn husk and
that almost 75 per cent of 10 9 million European men, 69.4 Grier cheese spoon pico de gallo on top.
27 A cancelled meet- Murgese sausage 8. Wrap in authentic Parisian
million European women sur- per cent of whom believed that ing, again Portobello mushrooms crepe. Fill with egg, Grier
veyed named Sherlock Holm- Glinda the Good Witch would Chicago-style deep-dish cheese, Murgese sausage,
27 pizza and portobello mushrooms.
es as the literary character they be the most beautiful in real life. Blueberry pancake 9. Wrap entire taco mass in
imagined to be most attractive. “She probably wears really Spicy vegetarian chili pizza.
Sombrero 10. Wrap in blueberry pan-
“That magnifying glass, that nice, sparkly makeup,” said one
Crossword down METHOD:
cake. Deep-fry until golden
pseudo-logic—simply irresist- poll respondent. “I like that.” brown.
1 Graduate students 1. Put sombrero on head. 11. Dip in chili as desired. If
ible,” gushed one participant. BOOKSARESEXY.COM association Play “Besame Mucho” by the you can lift it, you still have
Beatles on repeat. The song an appetite.

HOROSCOPES
ARIES TAURUS GEMINI CANCER LEO VIRGO
MARCH 21-APRIL 20 APRIL 21-MAY 21 MAY 22-JUNE 21 JUNE 22-JULY 22 JULY 23-AUG 23 AUG 24-SEPT 22

A mischievous well-wisher Exuberant attitudes will All your friends are You will face challenges The squeaky wheel gets the Fame is fleeting unless it’s
will upset your best-laid lead to erratic assumptions. laughing at you behind your today, but overcome them in kick. Dance like no one is on the Internet. Your smile
plans. Several coincidences Your worst fears are realized. back. Things you lost will be your usual manner. You are watching. Your soul mate is brightens everyone’s day.
will burden your imagina- He who fights and runs away found in the last place you smarter and more attractive waiting for you to make an Trouble is the behest of for-
tion. Dairy products are not lives to run away again later. look. Old flattop will come to the opposite sex than any overt gesture. Your world tune. You often manage to
your friend. Your boyfriend You will see a moose kissing grooving up slowly. He has of your friends. It’s a time to will come into focus with obtain that which you do not
is cheating on you with a a goose down by the bay. toe jam football. take unnecessary risks. contact lenses. Buy stocks in want. Nutmeg is the spice of
roommate. green energy. life.

LIBRA SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES


SEPT 23 - OCT 23 OCT 24-NOV 22 NOV 23-DEC 21 DEC 22-JAN 20 JAN 21-FEB 18 FEB 19-MARCH 20

Don’t order the lamb curry Your priorities will shift as Don’t count your eggs before Two is company; three is a Do not burn your bridges Everything will work out if
tonight. You’re damned if you get older. Revenge is a they hatch. Monkeys are party. If a position becomes while you’re on them. Al- you put out. You’ll find sol-
you do, and damned if you dish best served cold. Try the cute when they’re young but awkward, stretch before- tered states of consciousness ace in the arms of Ben and
don’t. Honour your random pasta salad. You will find tact they get old, fast. Eat more hand. A passer-by is aloof, will abound. Several suitors Jerry’s ice cream. It’s the right
encounters and they will re- to be the forebearer of regret pineapple to please your but persist and you will be compete for your attention; time to visit the clinic. There
ciprocate the sentiment. Get and job retention. mates. Waldo is lost; you can noticed for who you really beware of facial hair. Avoid are other fish in the sea and
a haircut. find him. are. You have something in the cereal aisle. some of them are sharks.
your teeth.
$"4)' 03
#00, 4
Take it to the Bank

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