RECESSION SEX TIPS, PAGE 6
Sports
Hopscotch takes
over the
city
Beaten bird
HELP Protection Services
were called to duty Satur-
day when a drunken Carle-
ton Ravens mascot stepped
onto U of O territory and
tried to fight the Gee-Gee
mascot. According to an
eyewitness, feathers were
flying everywhere while the
Gee-Gee proceeded to beat
the Raven. After standing
around watching the fight,
Protection officers then
asked the bird to migrate
back to its own campus.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Transportation
BUS Ottawa’s transporta-
tion company vowed to
raise student ridership af-
ter the winter bus strike by
offering Halloween toffees
to every fifth student pas-
senger. To be eligible for
the prize, students must
present their identification
cards, donate 25 cents to
OC Transpo, pocket a piece
of garbage from the bus,
and agree to reach their
destination by foot.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Litter bug Byress!
GARBAGE Heiney Byress
has been accused of lit-
tering in New York City.
The famed actress and
lip-syncher was shopping
in SoHo when she report-
edly let a napkin fall to the
sidewalk. According to eye
witness accounts, Byress
made no effort to retrieve
the napkin, but instead
continued walking. The
teen sensation denies the
allegations and has taken
to her YouTube account,
declaring, “This is just a
bunch of mean lies.”
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
pg 4
OTTAWA•THURSDAY,
O AWA•THURSDAY, APRIL 2
Up in arms!
U of O students recently gathered at a random spot on
campus on March 27 to join in a national mobilization. They
jumped to signify the recent jump in tuition fees.
Canadian federal parties unite under recession pressure
Sylvia Marpole
for Emtro Canada
COALITION Leaders from
each federal political party
met on Parliament Hill on
March 27 to discuss the
possibility of a unified co-
alition government. The
meeting itself was an at-
2,, 2009
tempt to provide aid to the
Conservatives during the
economic crisis. The co-
alition hopes to unify the
country under a govern-
ment that represents the
interests of all the parties
of Canada as opposed to
the interests of only one.
“The most difficult part of
Celebrity Buzz
emtronews.ca
s.caa
U of O searches for
Photo by Mr. Potatoe Head
the ultimate
Dogfather
Isabella Renfrew
for Emtro Canada
It’s that time of year
again, when the grass
is green and the aaroma
of hot dogs fill th
the air.
U of O students aare in
the market for not ononly the
best tasting dog bu but also
the least expensive option.
o year
Students have the choice
cho of
three different vendo
vendors: the
white shack located near
the Simard parking lot,
which offers combo
combos with
fries; or one of th
the two
stands across from
one anothe
another on
Laurier A Avenue
near Taba-
ret Hall.
For
some
students street me meat is
street meat, but for others
o with the best prices.” Due
it is about the qual
quality of
the hot dogs. Accord
According to
a source that wishes to re-
main anonymous, th h hot
the
dogs from the white shack
are far too small to bbe con-
sidered street meat and
because of this, she p prefers
to purchase from o one of
the Laurier Avenue stands.
s tain affordable prices for
“Wieners are aalways
better when they ar are big-
ger,” said the anony- a
mous hot dog aficionado.
forming this coalition will smaller parties such as the
be to offer every single par- Marijuana Party of Canada,
ty the one law or regulation the First Peoples National
they wish to see enforced in Party of Canada, and the
Canada,” said Communist Canadian Action Party.
Party of Canada spokesper- Duke Lurkey, a coali-
son Kirby Woolensworth. tion representative stated,
The coalition itself con- “With everyone getting
sists of both leading po- their way, conflicts should
litical parties, as well as the never arise.”
Fozzie
Bear
found
guilty
pg 5
For other students, it
is about the prices. Al-
though competition is
good because it forces low-
er prices, some students
find it difficult to choose
the [right] hot dog stand.
“I always feel bad
for choosing one stand
over the other,” second-
history student
Regina Falange said.
At Dalhousie University
in Halifax, students have
the stability of the “Dogfa-
ther,” who has become an
iconic symbol of the uni-
versity. The Dogfather has
been serving Dalhousie stu-
dents for 20 years. Accord-
ing to fourth-year fisher-
man student John Citadel,
“the Dogfather is very pop-
ular because he offers the
best street meat in Halifax
to growing requests, the
Dogfather has expanded
his services and now offers
grocery products, making
his stand a one-stop shop.
“The U of O should hold
a competition to find our
very own Dogfather who
would be forced to main-
students,” said Falange.
Foot Patrol
FEET Recommendations to
rejuvenate Foot Patrol ser-
vices were implemented
this week. Students will
now be able to choose
between regular and tap
dancing services, accord-
ing to Thomas O’Malley
of Foot Patrol services.
O’Malley hopes to incor-
porate other styles of
dance in the near future to
accommodate the diverse
student population
at the university.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
emtro
2 The remains of the world’s oldest known dinosaur were recently discovered in a mattress found in Stanton residence on March 26. The relics
were revealed after two first-year engineering students used the mattress to prevent freezing air from seeping into their dormitory. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Local
Slates allowed at the U of O?that would allow the Uni-
Sylvia Marpole
for Emtro Canada versity of Ottawa to take
the next big step towards
Slates may have a place protecting the environ-
at the U of O after all. ment: bringing back the
As Earth Hour wrapped slate board and chalk.
up on March 28, repre- Stacy Greenwood, pres-
sentatives from various ident of Go Green or Go
campus environmental Home presented the idea
organizations such as to the administration.
Go Green or Go Home and “With the high number
Tree Huggers of the U of O of students purchasing pa-
met to propose an idea per worldwide, the U of O
Homesick
Harper She’s a killer Queen
Darla Norrington
for Emtro Canada
COWBOY Prime Minister
Stephen Harper was
spotted at Loeb on Rideau England is in a state of
Street March 27 shop- chaos after several top-
ping for drink mix before secret documents were
heading out to one of the stolen from the Secret Intel-
ByWard Market’s trendy ligence Service in London
nightclubs. Sources say last Friday and were pub-
Harper wanted to find a lished online hours later.
country bar because he is The documents, available
starting to get homesick for public viewing at queen-
for Alberta and thought vsqueen.com, reveal a secret
a hoedown would get his kept by the British mon-
mind off the recession. archy for years. It appears
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES that Freddie Mercury, the
late lead singer of the rock
band Queen, is the son of
Queen Elizabeth II. The de-
tails can be found on the site
created by the thief, whose
identity is still unknown.
Mercury was allegedly put
up for adoption based on the
advice given by a psychic,
who predicted that the new
emtronews.ca Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dinosaur
Recession media
R
T media industry is experiencing hardships during today’s difficult economic times,
The
which is good news for free papers. In an attempt to save money, readers are withdraw-
w
ing from newspaper subscriptions and opting for picking up free daily papers before
in
getting onto public transit. “The recession has forced our family to make major cutbacks.
g
P
Picking up a free paper saves me that much more every month,” said Flora Barbossa, a
former loyal newspaper subscriber. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
fo
would be able to proudly do more for the enviroment nancial situations as well. of recession, this will be
say they made a differ- than any other univer- “Instead of purchasing extremely beneficial.”
ence,” said Greenwood. sity. By using slate boards tons of paper, binders, Meetings between the U
The administration and chalk, we will be sig- pens, and even printers, of O administration and
is preparing a series of nificantly reducing the it will only be necessary environmental groups
meetings with environ- amount of paper we buy, for students to purchase will take place in June and
mental professors and ultimately cutting down one or two slates per July. By September 2009,
student groups before fewer trees,” said Birch. class,” explained Green- students can expect to
making any decisions. Go Green or Go Home and wood. “These slates can use a slate board in class,
“This will really help the Tree Huggers of the U of O be reused as many times but not when it comes to
environment,” said Edward also noted that slates will as needed to complete running in the Student
Birch, professor of tree benefit not only the envi- assignments, tests, and Federation of the Univer-
studies. “We will be able to ronment, but students’ fi- to take notes. In a time sity of Ottawa elections.
son would rebel against the
monarchy. He grew up just a
poor boy from a poor family.
“We were just try-
ing to spare his life from
this monstrosity,” said Su-
san Bohemian, Mercury’s
adoptive grandmother.
Mercury is now said
to be the true heir to the
throne, and according to his
will, the remaining band
members are expected to
inherit all his worldly pos-
sessions. The bandmates
are also to be formally of-
fered the throne at a cer-
emony on April 7 but have
already pledged to accept.
“We look forward to hon-
ouring Freddie’s memory
through our leadership,”
said guitarist and fu-
ture king Brian May.
Queen Elizabeth II was
not available for comment.
Thursday, April 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
LOCAL
Producer, Elgin Somerset
Director, Laurier York
NATIONAL
Assoc Director, Lewis Richmond
Exec Director, Clarence Friel
Asst Director, Kent Slater
Assoc Exec Director, Sparks O’Connor
Asst Exec Director, Albert Metcalfe
Key Grip, Waller Daly
Best Boy Grip, George St. Patrick
Dolly Grip, Lyon Cooper
3

Local
Comment & Views
This town needs a blow-up doll! in Ottawa. Some say Ka-
Eye on the beat nata. Some say Lansd-
of the city’s pulse owne Park. Give it long
Roger S. enough, and someone will
probably suggest Carp.
Marterthanu
However, the solution
to this debate is a simple
one: we buy an inflatable
stadium. Think about
Over the last year, it’s it—we can put it virtu-
become pretty hard not ally anywhere, whenever
to get swept up in the we need it. Football game
debate about where to at Lansdowne Park? No
build a new stadium here problem. Concert at LeB-
reton Flats? It’s there.
Garlic Festival in Perth?
Sure, it can do that too—
provided Perth promises
to wash it afterwards.
Now I know what you’re
probably thinking: you’re
wondering about the un-
doubtedly terrifying idea
of the logistics of this in-
flatable stadium. Grant-
ed, this would require a
dedicated team of people
trained in the art of pump-
ing things full of hot air
and then deflating them
a short while later. How-
ever, given the rate we’ve
gone through elections
lately in Canada, I don’t
think it will be too hard
to find many out-of-work
members of Parliament.
The other great thing
about having an inflatable
stadium is the monetary
benefit. Not only will
the initial investment be
smaller, but we’ll be able
to rent out our stadium to
other cities that may be in
need of another one. I can
only imagine what this
would do for Ottawa’s
tourism industry, with the
free advertising of having
Ottawa’s stadium wob-
bling gently in the breeze
in Toronto or Montreal.
Yes, it’s true, this sta-
dium will require some
sacrifice—we’ll have to
give up our bid to host the
2016 World Lawn Darts
Championship, for one—
but I think in the end,
it’ll be worth it. The sheer
flexibility of this stadium
(both literal and figura-
tive) will be of untold
value to Ottawa. So let’s
stop tiptoeing around the
issue, and put something
up! And then take it down
again, and put it up some-
where else. And so on.

Letters of the week

For your consideration
I hope this letter is find-
ing you well. I am writing
with news that is of the
unfortunate nature: my
uncle, Ibadon Edwafe, a
wealthy Nigerian busi-
nessman, is no longer of
this world. His will has
left me $27.5 million in
American money, but
as it is found in a Swiss
bank account, I am not
able to access it. So I wish
to extend you an offer to
help me in a manner of
peace and friendship and
of mutual benefit. I need
someone in your country
to help me receive the
money to which I am
entitled. Please, if you
could help me create a
bank account to hold the
funds temporarily by
sending your name, job
title, and credit card and
social security numbers, I
promise you will be given
25 per cent of the total as
compensation. Thank you.
ABDUL DIABANTE
Sick of the trash
I own a small coffee shop
on Bank Street, and I’ve
just got to say I’m sick of
copies of Emtro being de-
livered to the bus stop
outside my shop every
day. No matter what, they
end up blowing all over
the place after people take
them out of the stand and
then just leave them some-
where, littered on the
sidewalk. And don’t even
talk to me about what it
looks like after it rains.
I actually think that the
snowstorm-like conditions
caused by your paper out-
side my shop are driving
people away! So please,
just stop delivering your
papers to places like this;
it just makes a mess and
annoys nearly everyone.
MARISSA EDELWEISS

Your view: Do you think the city is adequately enforcing bylaw 481516.2342?

Alex Kate Mark Sarah William Sam

Thompson McGillis O’Brian Westmore Shakespeare Labelle
age 23, Ottawa age 26, Ottawa age 21, Georgetown age 19, Ottawa age 444, London age 20, Ottawa

A: Why the hell do A: Enterprises A: Well, I’ve been

A: I, uh... well... I A: Man, I love this A: I’m not actually
you keep following of great pith and thinking this one
think that... song! from around here. Hey,
wait... I can’t believe Iddon’t
o suppose you-
on me? I told moment, with this over a lot lately, and
hmmm, it wasn’t could tell me where I
coul you to regard, their currents once you get
a hit! can ffind fuck turn awry, right down to
what
a and lose it, I think it’s
was off!
good the name of pretty obvi-
the action.
place
plac ous that
question?
to O. J. did it.
eat?
emtro
4 World-renowned swimmer Michael Phelts was arrested last night for suspicion
Sports
Local
U of O student saves the season for the Sens
Fourth-year Uni-
HOCKEY
versity of Ottawa molecu-
lar biology student Jason
Smart has made it big.
Just over four weeks ago
he was discovered by an
Ottawa Senators scout do-
ing what he does best—
playing the part of a solid
brick wall at the goal line.
Smart was spotted by
Sens scout Joe Keagan while
playing a casual game with
friends on a public rink in
late February. Smart—wear-
ing sofa cushions as goalie
pads and using a branch
for a goalie stick—taunted
his opponents and let noth-
ing by him. He even man-
aged to score a goal—with
his eyes closed. The scout
watched in awe from a park
bench and approached
Smart after the game.
A hop, skip, and jump to success
HOPSCOTCH Last September,
Eugene Melnyk, the owner
of the Ottawa Senators, an-
nounced his plans to bring
another big franchise to the
city of Ottawa with a bid
for a Major League Soccer
team. Although little has
been heard since he placed
the bid, Ottawa sports fans
need not fear; there is a new
sport in town. Hopscotch
may have been huge in the
‘80s, but it’s making a come-
back right here in Ottawa.
Four athletic third-grad-
ers at Viscount Alexander
“I saw this kid literally
stand on his head,” said
Keagan. “Despite his hobo
look, I knew he was the
goalie for the Senators.”
Only two days after be-
ing spotted by Keagan, the
22-year-old replaced his
Public School have come
together as the Trailblaz-
ing Hopscotchers—known
around the playground
simply as the Trailblazers.
Joshua Lee, Kylie
O’Connell, Alim Bashir,
and Melissa Richards are
on a mission to prove to
the citizens of Ottawa, the
fifth grade bullies at École
élémentaire publique Fran-
cojeunesse, and Melnyk that
they have what it takes to be
Ottawa’s next big sports team
and the first-ever Canadian
national hopscotch team.
emtronews.ca
cushion goalie pads with
real ones and took over for
Alex Auld in the Senators’
net. Brian Elliot was soon
relegated to the Bingham-
ton Senators. Since then,
Smart has led Ottawa to
victory game after game,
“If that rich guy gave
us some money, we could
get shirts,” said O’Connell,
the Trailblazers’ captain.
The Trailblazers got some
attention after a class-wide
tournament proved them to
be the four best hopscotch-
ers in the third grade. After
devoting several recesses
to honing their hopscotch
skills, the Trailblazers broke
age-based barriers and
rose from near obscurity
as third-graders to notori-
ety on a school-wide level.
The Trailblazers work out
of d
dru
ru use. Police found him swimming in a pool filled with white powder. SPORTSDRUGS.COM
drug
O
Ottawa Senators left-winger Dany Speza suffered a horrific accident in the March 24
game against the Montreal Canadiens. In a grave series of mishaps, Speza ended up
g
on the ice with Canadiens centre Sack O. Coyvue’s skate stuck in his head. Doctors were
o
unable to remove the skate due to risk of brain damage and massive bleeding. Speza
u
will play the rest of the season with a custom-made helmet to fit around the skate.
w
surprising the team every
time. With Pascale Leclaire
constantly riddled with in-
juries, Smart might just be
the go-to goalie next season.
“I couldn’t believe my
luck,” said Keagan. “I be-
lieve this kid could win
us the Stanley Cup …
clearly not this year, but
in the years to come.”
Since joining the Sena-
tors, Smart boasts an amaz-
ing .906 save percentage.
He has dropped out of his
program at the U of O and is
living his childhood dream.
“Every kid who grows
up in Canada dreams
of playing professional
hockey,” said Smart. “I
just can’t believe how
quickly this all happened.”
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
five days a week during gym
class and all four members
say that they are involved
in after-school activities,
which help their strength
training and conditioning.
“Me and Alim play
soccer, Kylie takes ka-
rate, and I forget what
Melissa does,” said Lee.
The Trailblazers practise
during every recess at Vis-
count Alexander, but due to
laws prohibiting adults from
entering schoolyards, fans
are not permitted to watch.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Freak accident
Athletes
need to learn
the hard way
In the doghouse
Michael
Wick
In December 2007, New
York Yankees third
baseman Alex Rodri-
guez signed the rich-
est contract in baseball
history with a 10-year,
$275-million deal,
meaning he is making a
whopping $27.5 million
a season. Tiger Woods
raked in close to $12
million in 2007, and
that does not include
his $100 million in en-
dorsements. Other
high-flying athletes in-
clude Shaquille O’Neal,
Alexander Ovechkin,
Oscar De La Hoya…
the list goes on. Mean-
while, the 99 per cent
that make up the rest
of the world are strug-
gling for pennies. Even
Barack Obama, current
United States president,
only makes approxi-
mately $250,000 a year.
I think it’s fair to
say it’s time for the
athletes of the world
to take a bit of a hit. I
mean, they’re out there
having fun, playing
games and making mil-
lions. Some argue that
the work they are do-
Thursday, April 2, 2009
HELP FOR PHELTS
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
ing is hard, but come
on, they love every sec-
ond of it! The rest of
the world works over-
time just to make ends
meet—if they are lucky
enough to work at all.
When does Joe the
Plumber get a break?
Here are a few of my
suggestions for athletes
to spread the love—and
by that I mean wealth:
1. Autograph $100 bills.
2. On top of volun-
teering at shelters and
hospitals, take the oc-
c a s i o n a l t e e n a g e r ’s
shift at Tim Hortons or
Burger King.
3. Dress up as the
team’s mascot and pay
people to hit you.
4. Every time an athlete
gets fined, don’t give
the money to the play-
er associations; give it
to the fans—via the T-
shirt gun.
5. Match every dol-
lar Charles Barkley
owes to casinos with
hot dogs given out at
games—that’s a lot of
hot dogs.
6. Instead of hitting up
the gym, offer rickshaw
rides.
Hurry Hard!
CURLING In an unbe-
lievable turn of events,
Kazakhstan’s curling
team—new to the curl-
ing world—beat Cana-
dian skipper great Ross
Howard and his team of
veterans. The final score
was an astounding 101-2.
Howard was escorted out
of the rink
nk kicking
g and
screaming.
ng.
g.
WS SERVICES
EMTRO NEWS SERVI
RVI
RV
R VIICES
V CEEESS
C
Thursday,
ursd
daayy, Ap
A
April
prriili 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
The trial of Fozzie Bear
This week, Fozzie Bear was found guilty on charges of puppetslaughter after Bear allegedly attacked fellow Muppets castmate, Gonzo, due to excessive 5
ridicule about the sub-standard quality of his jokes. Fozzie Bear has been sentenced to four life terms to be served consecutively. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Where’s Wand-O?
Danny Ratcliff has broken his

Entertainment
Local
wand. The star, who has his
own reality film series Hairy
Potts, was unable to perform
even a simple Wingardium
Leviosa spell when asked by a
fan to sign his levitating poster.
Ratcliff regretfully declined the
request, explaining that his
wand was being repaired.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Canadian band changes name
Orson Bear
for Emtro Canada
Two days ago, alternative-
rock band Metric orga-
nized a sudden and cha-
otic news conference to
announce that the band
has decided to change its
name. Lead singer Emma
Highnes, who was joined
by the rest of the band,
along with their lawyers
and manager, declared
that forthwith, Metric will
be known by the name
Imperial. Highnes also
affirmed that the band’s
former albums will be re-
released under new titles
such as “Inches for Centi-
metres, Ounces for Grams”
and “How Many Miles to
the Gallon”. No justifica-
tions for the controversial
changes were given, but a
source that is not particu-
larly close to any members
of the band confirms that
Highnes initially suggest-
ed the alteration, hoping
it would make their mu-
sic more appealing to the
U.S. market. Fans reacted
to the name change at the
band’s show in White-
horse, Yukon last night by
booing and heckling the
band during their perfor-
mance, waving signs that
read “Down With Ameri-
canization”, “Stay With
The Times”, and “Speak in
English, Measure in Met-
ric”. The band was forced
to abandon the stage when
the audience began to pelt
them with Beavertails.

Caught with her pants down The burden of

RUMOUR Lady Babynoises
is “shocked and embar-
rassed” at reports stating
that she has neglected to
Babynoises claims there
have been no repercussions
for the stylist, a representa-
tive for Babynoises confirms
Grammar crazy international collective In an act of solidarity,
choice
Roberto Patteysone, star
of the box-office sensation
Dusk, was recently spotted
Stephen Borsct at a Vancouver, B.C. 7-Elev-
wear pants for the entirety that the singer has hired a for Emtro Canada The Association of Well- “The Yardbirds” will be en. Patteysone is reported to
of her tour. The singer has pants supervisor to avoid Spoken Persons Con- changing their name to have spent several minutes
performed sold-out shows further Philanthropic celebrity cerned with the Correct “The 0.9144 Metre-Long considering a variety of soft
coast to coast in ad- mishaps. group The Celebrity Co- Usage of Clear and Prop- Birds”, “The Who” to drinks and flavoured water,
dition to several EMTRO NEWS alition for Formal Lan- er English, the CCFLU the more appropriate seemingly torn between
SERVICES guage Use (CCFLU), decided that the best way “To Whom Are You Re- Diet Pepsi and Evian. In the
late-night perfor-
has decided to go ahead to help children develop ferring?”, and the film end, his sweet tooth pre-
mances, such as the vailed, and he purchased a
with its controversial proper language skills is Are We There Yet? will
Pretty Late Block two-litre bottle of
plan to rebrand a multi- to ensure that the infor- be re-released under the
with Davey Note- tude of films, songs, and mation they are exposed new name Have We Ar- Diet Pepsi.
man, in nothing names to their proper to be based on a proper rived At Our Destination
EMTRO NEWS
SERVICES
but her knickers. equivalents. Citing a re- scientific, grammatical, at the Designated Time?.
TNX.com reports cent study performed by and stylistic approach.
that Babynoises
trusted her stylist
to ensure that she
was fully dressed
before going on
Are they from another planet?
WEIRD A memo, leaked
stage. While a by an anonymous source
source close to close to an Area 51 custo-
dian, states that there is

Stars do dental overwhelming evidence Gone, baby, gone

hygiene
TEETH Brinny Sparse was
recently spotted leaving a
Beverly Hills dentist office.
Armed with a new tooth-
brush and a manual about
plaque build-up, Sparse
walked quickly to a wait-
ing car and sped away. A
source close to the dentist
claims that the actress had
several cavities filled, due
to a neglect of her daily
flossing. A publicist for
the star denied the claim.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
that The Jhonass Brothers
are in fact a trio of alien
spies. The memo alleges
BABIES Angina Happy is at-
tempting to return one of
her children. A source close
that “significant intelli- to a friend of a friend of the
gence has been collected star explains that she did
and it has been decided not realize it would prove so
difficult to manage the now
that The Jhonass Brothers
half-dozen strong brood.
are actually aliens from
The star, who is allegedly
the planet Xghtrswq, and
very conscientious about
are in the process of brain- saving receipts, is currently
washing the world’s youths filming in the Republic of
through idiotic pop songs. Chad and is expected to
Evidence suggests that in- take a detour before return-
vasion is impending.” Rep- ing to the U.S. in order to
rid herself of one or two
resentatives from Area 51
of her young acquisitions.
have refused to comment. EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
emtro
6 According to makeup experts in Tokyo, “man blush” will soon replace eyeliner as the male makeup
Health & Beauty
Local
Low-cost love: Sex and dating
tips for life during the economic crisis
Cherry Bomb
for Emtro Canada
Sex, dating, and love
can be expensive in
these trying economic
times—but they don’t
have to be! Try our tips
to keep some low-priced
spice in your sex life.
1. Why waste money on
fancy lube when you can
just use Vaseline? If you’re
really in a pinch, remember
that everything’s better with
butter (unsalted, of course).
2. Condoms are basi-
cally just fancy pieces of
plastic shaped like penises,
right? All you really need
is a little Saran wrap or a
sandwich baggie to keep
the baby batter at bay.
3. Forget overpriced res-
taurants. Take your date
to a flaming garbage can
under an overpass, keep
your valuables close, and
get to know each other over
a lukewarm can of beans.
4. Stop buying fancy new
clothes to attract potential
dates. You’ll save money,
emtronews.ca
and nudity will get you
more attention anyway.
5. Cigarettes are ex-
pensive, and those post-
coital smokes aren’t do-
ing you any favours.
Smoke raisins instead (we
hear first-and-a-half base
on raisins is amazing).
6. People who don’t
look like financial burdens
are so en vogue. So try to
look like you don’t waste
a lot of money on extras—
hygiene, for example.
7. Bars and clubs are ex-
pensive places to meet peo-
product of choice. “Mush is the new guyliner,” the experts stated. MANTRENDZ.COM
ple, but if you must go, at
least save money on drinks.
Duct-tape a flask of Colt 45
to your leg and offer a swig
to anyone who looks lonely.
8. Make a little ex-
tra cash by selling your
mattress. Carpet burn
doesn’t hurt that much.
9. Men and women alike
naturally seek out part-
ners who smell good, but
cologne and perfume are
far too expensive. Just rub
some toothpaste under
your arms and behind your
ears and you’re good to go.
From ‘guyliner’ to ‘mush’
10. Instead of getting your
sweetie a pricey piece of jew-
ellery as a testament of your
love, give a gift he or she
can really use: food stamps.
11. Don’t use up valu-
able bandwidth download-
ing porn from the Internet.
Watch TV late enough on
Saturday nights and you’ll
be sure to catch a Discovery
Health Channel sex special,
or even an episode of “Bleu
Nuit” on TQS if you’re lucky.
12. Fuck it, just mastur-
bate. Relationships are too
expensive.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Junk food
makes you
fat: experts
South Korean nutrition
scientists revealed the
results of decades of
research at a press con-
ference today. According
to their findings, chips,
chocolate, and cook-
ies can make you fat.
The announcement has
thrown the world into
shock, forcing people
everywhere to question
whether they are really
just big-boned. Critics
have questioned the
findings, citing one re-
searcher’s ties to broccoli
farming.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Thursday, April 2, 2009 emtronews.ca emtro
Today Tomorrow Two Saturdays from now
Raining cats and dogs
100 K / 92 K
Really damn hot
0K/2K
Expect a tsunami
50 K / 275 K
7

Jonesing for jazzercise
EXERCISE Forget strip-
perobics: the hottest, tacki-
est exercise craze making
a comeback across North
America is jazzercise.
Jazzercise enthusiasts have
been flocking to Value Vil-
lage in droves to purchase old
VHS tapes from the ‘80s that
feature hairsprayed, blue-eye-
shadowed vixens in high-cut
leotards and ankle socks get-
Take Five
Sudoku in brief Emtro Recipe of the Day
ting fit to synthesized music. HOW TO PLAY Digits 1 through 9 will appear once in each
“What really does it for me zone - one zone is an outlined 3x3 grid. Do not enter a
is the soft-focus lens they used digit into a box if it already appears elsewhere in the same
back then,” said one would-be zone, row across, or column down the entire puzzle.
jazzerciser, who declined to
give his name. “It’s so ethereal.”
No one is quite sure of the
reasons for the renewed interest
in jazzercise, but some experts
have speculated that American
Apparel is somehow involved.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES

Sex hair now en vogue—literally

HAIRSTYLES Vogue Italia’s May
issue will carry a feature on
the latest trend in hairstyl-
stars with sex hair doing
the walk of shame after a
wild night,” Fromaggio ex-
2 1 Saturday Night Live-inspired
Taco Town Taco

ing: “sex hair”. The style
INGREDIENTS:
plained. “It was only natural Crunchy taco shell
will fill you with love, this
dish’s secret ingredient.
2. Fill crunchy taco shell with
beef. Put nacho cheese, let-

was described in a statement
by Giovanni Fromaggio, the
magazine’s editor-in-chief,
as that messy, tangled, rat’s
nest of hair that a wom-
an gets after having sex.
“The paparazzi are al-
ways shooting photos of
Attraction? It’s elementary, my dear Watson
LITERATURE A recent poll found
that almost 75 per cent of 10
million European women sur-
veyed named Sherlock Holm-
es as the literary character they
imagined to be most attractive.
“That magnifying glass, that
pseudo-logic—simply irresist-
ible,” gushed one participant.
9
that this style would eventu- Cooked ground beef tuce, tomato, and southwest-
ally become fashionable.” Nacho cheese ern sauce on top.
Lettuce 3. Spread refried beans on-
Trend-conscious women
Tomato flour tortilla.
the world over have report- Southwestern sauce 4. Wrap tortilla around
edly already begun having Flour tortilla crunchy taco. Spread melted
sex marathons in an effort to Refried beans Monterey Jack cheese on
create the perfect sex-hair ‘do. Savoury corn tortilla corn tortilla.
EMTRO NEWS SERVICES
Crossword in brief Monterey Jack cheese 5. Wrap corn tortilla around
Deep-fried gordita shell entire taco mess.
1 “Guacamolito” sauce 6. Spread special guaco-
Crossword across Corn husk molito sauce on deep-fried
1 Undergraduate
Pico de gallo gordita shell and place taco
1 Parisian crepe monstrosity inside.
The same poll also surveyed student’s union Egg 7. Bake in corn husk and
9 million European men, 69.4 Grier cheese spoon pico de gallo on top.
27 A cancelled meet- Murgese sausage 8. Wrap in authentic Parisian
per cent of whom believed that ing, again Portobello mushrooms crepe. Fill with egg, Grier
Glinda the Good Witch would Chicago-style deep-dish cheese, Murgese sausage,
27 pizza and portobello mushrooms.
be the most beautiful in real life. Blueberry pancake 9. Wrap entire taco mass in
“She probably wears really Spicy vegetarian chili pizza.
Sombrero 10. Wrap in blueberry pan-
nice, sparkly makeup,” said one
Crossword down METHOD:
cake. Deep-fry until golden
poll respondent. “I like that.” brown.
1 Graduate students 1. Put sombrero on head. 11. Dip in chili as desired. If
BOOKSARESEXY.COM association Play “Besame Mucho” by the you can lift it, you still have
Beatles on repeat. The song an appetite.

HOROSCOPES
ARIES TAURUS GEMINI CANCER LEO VIRGO
MARCH 21-APRIL 20 APRIL 21-MAY 21 MAY 22-JUNE 21 JUNE 22-JULY 22 JULY 23-AUG 23 AUG 24-SEPT 22

A mischievous well-wisher
will upset your best-laid
plans. Several coincidences
will burden your imagina-
tion. Dairy products are not
your friend. Your boyfriend
is cheating on you with a
roommate.
Exuberant attitudes will
lead to erratic assumptions.
Your worst fears are realized.
He who fights and runs away
lives to run away again later.
You will see a moose kissing
a goose down by the bay.
All your friends are
laughing at you behind your
back. Things you lost will be
found in the last place you
look. Old flattop will come
grooving up slowly. He has
toe jam football.
You will face challenges
today, but overcome them in
your usual manner. You are
smarter and more attractive
to the opposite sex than any
of your friends. It’s a time to
take unnecessary risks.
The squeaky wheel gets the
kick. Dance like no one is
watching. Your soul mate is
waiting for you to make an
overt gesture. Your world
will come into focus with
contact lenses. Buy stocks in
green energy.
Fame is fleeting unless it’s
on the Internet. Your smile
brightens everyone’s day.
Trouble is the behest of for-
tune. You often manage to
obtain that which you do not
want. Nutmeg is the spice of
life.

LIBRA SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

SEPT 23 - OCT 23 OCT 24-NOV 22 NOV 23-DEC 21 DEC 22-JAN 20 JAN 21-FEB 18 FEB 19-MARCH 20

Don’t order the lamb curry
tonight. You’re damned if
you do, and damned if you
don’t. Honour your random
encounters and they will re-
ciprocate the sentiment. Get
a haircut.
Your priorities will shift as
you get older. Revenge is a
dish best served cold. Try the
pasta salad. You will find tact
to be the forebearer of regret
and job retention.
Don’t count your eggs before
they hatch. Monkeys are
cute when they’re young but
they get old, fast. Eat more
pineapple to please your
mates. Waldo is lost; you can
find him.
Two is company; three is a
party. If a position becomes
awkward, stretch before-
hand. A passer-by is aloof,
but persist and you will be
noticed for who you really
are. You have something in
your teeth.
Do not burn your bridges
while you’re on them. Al-
tered states of consciousness
will abound. Several suitors
compete for your attention;
beware of facial hair. Avoid
the cereal aisle.
Everything will work out if
you put out. You’ll find sol-
ace in the arms of Ben and
Jerry’s ice cream. It’s the right
time to visit the clinic. There
are other fish in the sea and
some of them are sharks.
$"4)
' 03

#00, 4
Take it to the Bank

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