2012 M.

Jo Silva
This story is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the writers imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not construed to be real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locale or organizations is entirely incidental. All rights are reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief excerpts or quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Confessions
by M. Jo Silva

I need to talk to you Peter was a nervous wreck. The waiter had already passed by his table to take his order, but he had told him to come back later with just a hand gesture. The waiter had respectfully turned away. Even the cell phone Peter was holding was shaking. He was pulling his abundant Alex Pettyfer surfer-style light-colored curly hair back with his long fingers once in every two seconds. "Please call me as soon as you hear this message. He buried his head between his hands, elbows on the table, the phone over his head and blew a big sigh oh my god, where is she? he felt anxious and was finding it very difficult to keep calm. A couple of seconds later, he put the phone back against his ear. He was decided to be honest with her and say what he was feeling. He wasnt sure he was able to do it, but he was willing to try. Gaby he continued, trying to calm down after a big breath. I really need to talk to you. I really do.- He paused I errr I miss you. He paused once more. Call me. Peter hung up the phone and looked at his wrist watch. It was 12.13 and his hunger had completely vanished. As usual on Wednesdays, he was waiting for Michael to have lunch at The

Rock, a small cozy bistro, near their office, on the boardwalk of Estoril. Excuse me Peter called the waiter, who was finishing serving the table next to his. Could you bring me a beer, please? Sure the waiter bent over the table to pick up the two empty glasses from the previous costumers, that he organized on his already full round silver tray. Would you like something to eat? he asked politely as he cleaned the table with a wet yellow cloth. No, thank you - Peter answered Just the beer, please. Im waiting for a friend. Oh. Ok. Ill be right back- the waiter answered and turned away back towards the counter. While Peter was waiting for his drink and for Michael, his mind started wandering around the past years of his life, trying to make some sense out of the feelings he was experiencing the last few days. After leaving college, Peter started his career in a small company as a Marketing manager. But after three years, he already knew he had made a mistake. A huge one. His boss was the kind of a person who didnt know how to be a leader. He was rude, impolite and offense to his employees who didnt show him the business results he was expecting. He didnt listen to anyones opinion but his own. One time he had humiliated Peter in front of his own colleagues, shouting and screaming inside his office about how incompetent Peter was. And at that time he was beginning to believe that. His boss just saw money and outcome, and didnt

give the staff latitude to manage things their own professional way, applying their own knowledge. But Peter was still there after ten years. Stuck in his own mistake, but feeling incapable of taking the leap. It had been a huge part of his strong education that he should always play it safe, take as few risks as possible and keep a job that guaranteed him an assured paycheck at the end of the month. And now that he had his own house to support, his parents words and values didnt seem to want to leave him alone. But something had changed that week. Gaby told him, only a year or two after they met, that he should quit his job and start solo. He was too much of a great professional to be lost in the hands of that repulsive man with abominable manners. He could do greater things by himself in his own projects. Dont be afraid Gaby told Peter one night, over coffee. When you get out of there, youll feel joy and relief and its that happiness that will make you do great things. At the time, even though he wanted to believe Gabys words, he didnt dare. He was too limited by his own education of sticking up with what is safe and petrified with the thought of not feeling financial security. Still, he had never forgotten her words. Those words were the exact same words that had been keeping Peter awake for the past nights. He had passed the 30s barrier two years ago and now he wanted to do something out of his life. Here you go the waiter interrupted Peters thoughts, but he was so submerged in them, that only a low voiced thank

you flew out of his mouth. With his long, strong arm, he didnt even bother to get his back off the chair. He reached for the glass of beer, took a long sip and looked outside the window into the beach, trying as fast as he could not to lose the thread of his thought. For the first time he wanted to think. Not just let life pass him by. He took another sip of the beer and left his fingers on the base of the glass, spinning it, trying to order his thoughts. But work wasnt the only thing that was flying inside his mind. For the first time in years and for his total surprise, he started thinking about Gaby. Constantly. And he couldnt understand why or how that had happened. Gaby had always been more than a friend to Peter, but he had always chosen to keep that thought away from his mind. Peter felt almost like in a state of trance. Facing the beach, beyond the window he could see dozens of images one after the other, like frames of a film, in front of his face. What are you going to do, man - Peter thought to himself What wonderful mess you got yourself into. First the job thing, now Gaby. Peter and Gaby met in 2001, approximately at the same time, that year. He remembered it perfectly. She was having drinks with a mutual friend in a bar in Lisbon. How could he not remember? He was dating Sophia at the time, a hot girl who almost ruined his life. At first, they didnt see each other very often, except for some nights out in the disco where all their friends used to hang out in. And their relationship was strictly a hi, goodbye relationship.

But a few months later, they began a new kind of friendship. He was the first person who she started to chat with, over the internet, back in the days when the web was giving its first steps. After a few weeks, Peter and Gaby met often for lunch, or coffee, and became very good friends. There was also an obvious attraction between them, but they were strong enough not to give in and focused on their friendship, mutual support and daily conversations. Peter broke up with Sophia but that was never a topic of conversation. Meanwhile Gaby dated for a year and by the time she and her boyfriend broke up, the two friends started seeing each other more often again. One evening, Peter invited Gaby for diner and a movie in his house. Their bond had grown and they were both convinced that their physical attraction was gone. But they couldnt be more wrong. He couldnt be more wrong. That night, they kissed for the first time in his living room floor. But that wasnt a special night only because of that kiss. That night they began a new ritual and every night Gaby went to Peters house, before leaving, always after hours, she would take him to bed and cuddle with him, and then went home. Peter was sure now, they had both been too proud and stubborn to let their connection change into something more profound. He was now sure that he felt too scared to take on a new commitment.

Thirty-two year old Peter was lost in nostalgic thought when his cell phone rang on the table. The flashing screen announced

Michael
Answer Ignore Without losing his facial expression, Peter pressed the Answer button. Hey, man a cool voice greeted on the other side of the line. Hey Joe, whats up, man? That was the way Peter affectionately addressed to Michael. How are you, Pete? Been better, my friend. he drawled. Troubles in paradise? Michael teased. Kinda Peter mumbled. Carol? Michaels tone was becoming apprehensive. That too seemed like Peters ability to speak was fading. Hummm muttered Michael. are you already at The Rock? Yup Peter lifted his arm to uncover his wrist watch and looked at the time. Ive been here for half an hour. Sorry, man, I got stuck at the office, but Im on my way there. No worries, man. Take your time. No rush. I have all the time in the world. Peter concluded. Yeah, right! I almost forgot youre on vacation. Michael tried to hide his concern for his friend.

Yeah Peter made an effort to smile for the first time in that phone call. He felt too numb for that. Some of us get that Michael mocked. Michael was officially worried now. He had never heard his friend talk like that. And he had known him all his life. Ill be there in ten minutes and I want to know everything thats going on, ok? Peter grinned at Michaels remark. Sure. See you in ten.

Michael parked the car and hurried downstairs to The Rock where Michael was waiting for him. When he got there, he found his friend playing with his glass, his back facing the door and his eyes glazing at infinity. Michael knew that his friend didnt even hear him approach the table. Where are you, man? Michaels five-seventy-four feet tall figure, touched Peters shoulder gently, announcing his arrival. Peter turned his head to face his friend. He was dressed casual, with jeans, orange shirt and a pair of Timberland climbing shoes. He raised his eyebrows, nodded his head and twisted his mouth in a fake smile, without saying a word. Michael understood that things had to be really bad. Michael pulled a chair, sat down by Peters side and waved to the same waiter that had served that table before. Hi, Ill have the same my friend is having, thanks. The waiter nodded politely and turned away to fulfill the order. He came back two minutes later.

While waiting for his drink, Michael decided not to say a word to Peter. He knew that his friend would speak when he felt ready. He sat back and followed his friends look towards the waves, hitting the sand, two meters away from where they were standing. Thirty-eight-year old Michael thanked the waiter and took a long sip of beer. I think Im in love with Gaby the words came out of Peters mouth automatically. Michael almost chocked. Peter gave his friend a yeah-yeah-I-know-I-know twist of head and look. He wasnt really talking to Michael, but more to himself. Michael stayed in silence, expressionless, waiting for his friend to let it all out. He knew that one day that would end up happening. He wasnt at all convinced that Peter hadnt been in love with her for a long time. But he knew his friend well enough to know that he had been too scared to admit it. Especially since he had started a relationship with Carol two years ago. But Michael knew that he was in love with Gaby long before that. In Michaels belief, Gaby represented the free spirit Peter held inside of him. It was impossible not to fall in love with Gaby. Her long light brown hair, her expressive, enigmatic eyes, her sexy voice and the way she saw the world and lived her life made her a dream woman for any common man who had been taught not to expect more from life than a day to day routine. In fact, there had been a time when Michael, himself, had felt fascinated by that intriguing friend of Peters. But those were bygones.

You know, I never thought I would say this to myself, much less to anyone else. Peter continued This past week, for the first time in my life, Ive been questioning a lot of things about my life. Its as if I need to change something now. He lifted his head and faced Michael. He was just listening. Both friends stood in silence and drank their beers. How about Carol? Michael asked. Peter buried his head again between his hands, with his elbows on the table and emptied his lungs with a long outbreath. Have you told her, yet? Peter looked at Michael and rolled his eyes. You think? Michael shrugged, turned his palms upward and twisted his mouth in a just-asking gesture. I, myself have only got a reality slap this week. And a really hard one. He raised his brows and his light green eyes were wide open. Oh - Peter paused and Im going to quit my job, too. Michael felt his brain forcing his eye and mouth muscles to open in astonishment. He leaned forward and put his palm on Peters forehead, as if checking his friend didnt have the fever. man, are you sick? Peter laughed. What have you done with my friend? Michael leaned back on his chair, raised his glass and made a signal for Peter to do the same. lets drink to that, then. To new beginnings.

The restaurant was half full, but the waiters moved back and forth among the square teak tables, serving the costumers, delivering the orders and making sure everything was alright. Michael called the waiter and asked for the menu. He was starving. Ill have your special cheeseburger and another beer Michael ordered. Peter closed the menu without bothering to look at the set of choices. Ill have the same. Thanks. He said, handing the menu back to the waiter. Gaby is in America, isnt she?- Michael asked, reaching for his glass. Yep. She went on work. Shes doing a piece about Bar Harbor, in Maine, for her column Peter frowned Ive been trying to talk to her for two days, but it always goes to the answering machine and you know how much I love talking to machines Peter rolled his eyes and crossed his long legs under the table. Still, I left her the fifth message half an hour ago. I think Ill give it a rest. Letting the truth come out to his best friend made him feel lighter and clear headed. Maybe she is out of area or didnt take her charger. You say she forgets things all the time. Michael grasped a new sad tone in his friends voice and was doing what he could to pour oil on those troubled waters. Yeah, maybe Peter replied, passing his fingers through his hair. I also tried MSN, but she has been offline for two days. What are you thinking about doing? I dont know. I really have to talk to her and I dont know if I can handle waiting for her to come back.

And Carol? Michael straightened himself on the chair, crossed his legs and waited for Peters answer. I dont know what Im going to do with Carol.- Peter paused Things have changed Peter reconsidered his words No. Ive changed he continued, touching his chest with his open palm. But it was all so sudden, that my brain feels like a spinning wheel. The name Carol was echoing inside his head. When Michael mentioned her name for the first time, he felt his chest tight, but at the second time he mentioned it, Peter was hammered by a guilt wave, feeling even more confused. I cant do this to Carol He faced Michael, who was looking outside the window, admiring the beach. Mike Peter paused and turned his eyes back to the beach Carol wants to move in with me. Michaels face was in shock when the waiter placed the cheeseburger plates in front of them. Oh, ohhh- thats all he could say. He paused. A man cant go away on work for a few weeks he shook his head. Michael let himself sink in the chair with his mouth open. I need a cigarette. Later that night, Peter asked Carol to be alone. He made up some lousy excuse about having to catch up with some work he needed to get done for an upcoming presentation, once he returned to the office. Ok. Carol had said earlier on the phone. Ill be at Sarahs for diner. She told me the kids miss you, honey. If you change your mind and want me to go there, call me.

All Peter wanted was some time for himself to put some order in his mind. Michael had advised him to think carefully about what he wanted and that maybe the fact that Gaby wasnt reachable wasnt just a coincidence. Maybe that was fate, telling him to settle down and evaluate the whole situation from a distance, rationally. He had too much to manage right now. His career and his love life. Everything was a mess. He was not alone. And he had to weigh his feelings not to screw everything up and end up losing both of those amazing women in his life. It was against everything he had been taught, but he was concluding that he was in love with both Carol and Gaby. For all sorts of different reasons. Yes, he was divided between the two of them. His pragmatic personality was playing a very hard trick on him. Life had pulled the rug out from under his feet. From his conversation with his best friend early that day, the job situation was decided and closed. On his first week, he would communicate his decision to his boss and hand him his resignation. Then, after a month, he would be a free man. At least in what concerned his career. At ten p.m. Peter was wandering around his living room back and forth. He reached for his cd player remote and pressed play. He sat on his couch and stretched his left arm to get his phone, resting on the coffee table. He pressed the unlock button to check if Gaby had called him. But no. There was no sign of her. Tomorrow he moaned into the air of the empty living room, putting the phone on the couch beside him. Tomorrow

The speakers hummed the first chords of a piano melody and Peter leaned his head on the back of the couch. A few minutes after, he fell asleep.

(to be continued)