Change
is
the
Only
Constant


Forgiveness,Change,
and
 Remember.
This
is
a
trip
in
the
unknown.
We
don’t
now
where

Transforma3on
 we’re
going,
or
if
we
do,
we’re
on
the
wrong
road.


Skills
for
Naviga3ng
the
Time

Between
No
Longer
and
Not
Yet
 
 
 
 
 
 
‐Father
Thomas
Kea3ng


Joan
Borysenko,
Ph.D.

November
3,
2008


The
Wisdom
of
Change
 Science
Speaks
of
BuRerflies


  You
can’t
change
the
past
by
defini3on.

  You
can’t
change
what’s
happening
now,
because
the

condi3ons
leading
to
it
have
already
ripened.


  You
can
change
the
future
by
leQng
stress
provide
the

feedback
you
need
to
create
a
more
skillful
life.


Three
Phases
of
Transforma3on

The
GiUs
of
Unwanted
Change
 






in
Rites
of
Passage


  Separa3on
from
the
known:
Death
of
the
ego.


  The
Liminal
Stage:
Dwelling
in
the
place
between
no

I
am
thankful
that
 longer
and
not
yet.

thorns
have
roses.


 
‐Alphonse
Karr

  The
Return:
Bringing
back
wisdom
for
all.


1
 Phase
I:
Separa3on
from
the
Known
 Phase
2:
Entering
the
Unknown

The
liminal
stage
of
Betwixt and Between


Exile
and
Death
to
the
old
self

•wandering
in
the
wilderness

•Destruc3on
of
the
Temple

•not
boy
not
man;
not
girl
not
woman

•The
lightning
struck
tower

•Banished
from
Eden
 •the
flood

•Paradise
Lost

 •Theseus
in
the
labyrinth


•Jonah
in
the
belly
of
the
whale


The
Middle
Journey:

The
Ordeal
 Phase
3:
The
Return
Transformed

Connec3on
with
Essence
or
True
Nature‐‐Happiness,

Purpose,
Service

Han
Solo
in
the
saloon:
Iden3fying
enemies,
allies

and
a
mentor.
It
can
be
hard
to
dis3nguish
the
lies
 •The
New
Jerusalem

of
an
enemy
from
the
help
of
an
ally.
An
enemy
 •Camelot

supports
your
limited
self.
An
ally
supports
the

•Odysseus
returning
home

true
nature
of
your
own
inner
strengths.
No
one

•Dante
emerging
from
the
Purgatorio
into
the
Paradiso

can
direct
your
journey,
since
it’s
unique.
But
they

can
point
you
toward
freedom
and
 •Innana’s
Return
from
the
Underworld

transforma3on.
 •The
Resurrec3on


Two
Kinds
of
Stories
 Some
Common
Blocks
to
Change

  Ego
Story
(Chronos):
Externally
focused
striving:
   Fear

where
we’re
going,
what
we
hope
to
do
when
we
   Numbness

get
there,
and
the
frustra3ons
we
meet
along
the

  Pride
and
Knowing

way.

  ARachment
to
outcome

  Essence
Story
(Kairos):
Internally
focused:
who
we

are
becoming,
our
journey
to
the
discovery
of
   Sloth

what’s
most
meaningful
and
precious.
   Anger/Blame

  Co‐Dependence

  Pessimism


2
 Liminal
Skills
for
the
Time

Between
No
Longer
and
Not
Yet

  Curiosity

  S3llness

  Inquiry

  Gra3tude
 Center
and
Relax
to
Cul3vate
Heart

Wisdom

  Presence

  Forgiveness

  Pa3ence


Medita3on
and
Mood

•Medita3on
elicits
the

relaxa3on
response
which

decreases
depression,

anxiety,
obsessive

thinking.

•Can
change
the
happiness

setpoint

•Ac3vates
leU
prefrontal

cortex

•Develops
mindfulness


Managing
Mind
and
Emo3ons


3
 Op3mism
and
Pessimism


Kobasa
and
Maddi
 Mar3n
E.P.
Seligman


3
C’s
of
Stress
Hardiness
 3
P’s
of
Pessimism

•Challenge
 •Personal

•Control
 •Pervasive

•Commitment
 •Permanent


“Stressful
events
challenge
 “It’s
my
own
fault,
I
mess
up

me
to
change
and
grow.”
 everything
I
do,
and
it’s
the

story
of
my
life.”


A
Stress
Hardy
AQtude
 Stress
as
the
Fuel
for
Crea3vity

The
difference
between
where
you
are
and

Learn
to
get
in
touch
with
the
silence
within
yourself,
and
know
 where
your
best
self
wants
to
be
provides

that
everything
in
life
has
a
purpose.
There
are
no
mistakes,
 the
energy
for
transforma9on.

no
coincidences,
all
events
are
blessings
given
to
us
to
learn

from.
 Growing
from
this
crea3ve
tension
requires



 
 
 
 
 
‐Viktor
Frankl
 1.  Acceptance
of
what
is
and
trust
in
what
will
be


2.  Allowing
the
new
to
emerge
according
to
its
own

3metable


Inquiry:
An
Alchemical
Approach
 Accep3ng
the
Situa3on

Working
with
the
the
energy
that
comes
up
in
a
way
that
lets
it

return
to
its
basic
nature.
Everything
is
compost
for
growing
 Learn
the
alchemy
that
true
human
being
know.
The
moment

peace
and
insight.

 you
accept
what
troubles
you
have
been
given,
the
door
will

open.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
‐Rumi



 
 
 
 
 
 



4
 The
Guest
House‐
Rumi

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.

 

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Un‐forgiveness
and
Health

“The practice of forgiveness is never easy, because •anxiety,
depression
and
hos3lity

it is always a courageous, defiant act against
our instincts of hatred and revenge, and against the •paranoia

odds of getting hurt again.” •narcissism
and
callousness
toward
others

-Paul Wong •psychosoma3c
symptoms

•heart
disease

•incidence
of
other
physical
illness

•stress


A
Few
Facts
about
Forgiveness
 Understanding
Forgiveness


  94%
of
adults
think
that
forgiveness
is
a
good
thing,
but
only
   Biblical
Greek
word
for
forgiveness
is
aphiemi,
which
means

48%
have
tried
it.
 leQng
go


  The
older
we
get
the
higher
we
score
in
forgiveness
of
   Transforma3on
of
the
forgiver
rather
than
a
pardon
of
the

others.
 offender


  Men
prefer
the
terminology
of
leQng
go
of
grudges
rather
   Forgiveness
versus
reconcilia3on

than
forgiveness
(Thoresen)

  Pseudo‐forgiveness
versus
genuine

  Forgiving
God


5
 Forgiveness
is
for
the
Forgiver
 General
Forgiveness
Principles

  Recognize
the
price
of
holding
on,
and
don’t
wait
for
an

apology.
It’s
up
to
you
to
change
your
aQtude.

  “Anger
is
like
a
hot
coal
you
pick
up
to
throw
at
somebody
else,

but
it’s
you
who
gets
burned.”

‐The
Buddha
   Recall
the
relief
you
felt
when
forgiven
by
some
one
else.

  “Hatred
is
a
banquet
un3l
you
realize
that
you
are
the
main
   Prac3ce
understanding
and
empathy.

course.”‐Herbert
Benson
MD

  Write
about
unexpected
insights.

  “LeQng
go
of
a
grudge
is
a
way
to
return
to
the
peaceful
center

inside
you.”
‐Frederic
Luskin,
Ph.D.;
former
director
of
the

  Perform
a
symbolic
act.

Stanford
Forgiveness
Project
   Forgiving
isn’t
forgeQng,
but
recall
gets
less
painful.

  Be
gentle
with
yourself
and
remember
grace.


Grateful=Mindful=Present


Curiosity
and
Gra3tude



 
 






















www.gratefulness.org


When Death Comes

Daily
Gra3tude
Exercises

  Increased
alertness,
enthusiasm,
determina3on,

aRen3veness
and
energy

 When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
  Increased
tendency
to
help
others
 I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into
  Greater
sense
of
connec3on
to
others

my arms…
  BeRer
sleep
 I don’t want to end up simply having visited
  Less
stress
 this world.
  More
op3mism
which
increases
immune
func3on

‐Mary
Oliver


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