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BYE BYE BIRDIE ACT 1 Scene 1 ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP.

. OFFICE Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager! No, I am not suggesting that the boy doesnt want to go into the army. Its just that no, Im not trying to Two weeks from today? At the Induction Center? Hell be there (Rosie enters) Rosie, thank heaven youre here! This is the end of the Almaelou Music Corporation! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting her resignation. Albert: What? Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck. Albert: Rosie, you cant! Not today of all days! My pills, where are my pills the little ones I take when Im overwrought. Rosie: Here. Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. Rosie: Youre thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. Albert: I am not thirty-three. I wont be thirty-three until tomorrow. Water. Rosie: Its no use, Albert. My minds made up. Ive been with Almaelou eight years now and, as you well know, Ive been a lot more than just a secretary to you. Albert: Rosie, if youre referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you and me, Im not ready for it. For now, we need to keep it strictly business. Rosie: Im putting in ninety hour weeks. And for what? A five dollar raise in 1954. This is 1959. Albert: And if its part of the company youre after, the answer is no to that, too. Almaelou is me, Mama, and Lou. And any change in that would kill that wonderful woman who bore me. Rosie: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. Except maybe a silver bullet. Albert: And I wont drop poor old Lou, either. He loved you, Rose.

Rosie: I loved Lou, too. Sure, he was warm, he was loyal, he was loveable, but he died six years ago. And besides, he was a wire-haired terrier. Anyhow, I dont want to be part of the company. This is something much more important. Albert: Rosie, if youre going to discuss what I think youre going to discuss, Im in no mood to discuss it! Rosie: Theres nothing to discuss, Albert. Conrad Birdies going into the army. Ive quit. Theres nothing you can do but give up the business and go back to college and get your Albert: Rosie, Im up to my ears in debt! Conrads got a fifty-thousand dollar guarantee which I cant pay. And Ive just taken a severe overdose of aspirin. Rosie: Albert, this may be your last chance. (sings) HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO NOW YOURE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO ALBERT ALBERT ALBERT I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR IT WOULD JUST BE FOR A YEAR BUT ITS EIGHT YEARS ALBERT EIGHT LONG YEARS ALBERT Albert: Rosie, it takes time to build a business! Rosie: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE THATS WHAT YOU SAID YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY THATS WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM YOU WERE GOING TO NYU AND BECOME Albert: Dont say it, Rosie! Rosie: An English teacher! Albert: Rosie! Rosie: And furthermore, he wrote poetry! Albert: Rosie, please Rosie: And in the NYU yearbook for 1952 under Albert Petersons favorite piece of literature, you know what it says? Little Women! Albert: Im ruined in show business.

Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER AN ENGLISH TEACHER IF ONLY YOUD BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER WED HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS YOUD GET A SUMMER VACATION AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS A MAN WHOS GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE HOW PROUD ID BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON MRS ALBERT PETERSON MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON THE ENGLISH TEACHERS WIFE Albert: Rose, Ill make a deal with you! Stay with me, help me get the money to pay Conrads guarantee, and as soon as Im out of the red, Ill dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! Rosie: Albert, youre on! Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but Im sure that by 1973 or 74 at the latest, well (Rosie opens a file and pulls a card.) Whats that? Rosie: Something thats going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan Club Number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (into phone) Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The numbers Capitol 7 double 820. And call me right back. Albert: Now wait a minute! Whats going on here? Whos Kim Whateverhername is? Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is whats going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen! Its called One Last Kiss. Albert: Ive never heard of it. Rosie: You havent written it, yet. But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army for two long years and when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random from one million two hundred thousand hysterical teenagers, itll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! Albert: Rose, Im beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York

Rosie: Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. Albert: Let him kiss the kid Rosie: And release the record! Albert, youll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! Albert: Rose, its wonderful! And I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, itll be just the two of us, Rose! In perfect bliss! Ill get a job teaching English and Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyones ever used it before? Oh what difference does it make? Itll be great for the song! Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss what is your dentifrice No, thats too clinical Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER AN ENGLISH TEACHER SOMEDAY HE MAY BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER Yes? Well, every phone in Sweet Apple cant be busy; whats going on there? Kim McAfee just got pinned to who? Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON MRS ALBERT PETERSON MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON THE ENGLISH TEACHERS WIFE

ACT 1 Scene 2 Sweet Apple phone limbo Helen: HI NANCY Nancy: HI HELEN Helen: WHATS THE STORY MORNING GLORY Nancy: WHATS THE TALE NIGHTINGALE TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM Alice: HI MARGIE Margie: HI ALICE WHATS THE STORY MORNING GLORY

Alice: WHATS THE WORD HUMMINGBIRD HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY DID HE PIN THE PIN ON OR WAS HE TOO SHY WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Freddie: YEAH YEAH 4 girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Karl: UH HUH 4 girls: NOW THEYRE LIVING AT LAST Jerry: HES GONE 4 girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD Harvey: HELLO MR. HENKEL THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM Harvey: Penelope? Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW Harvey: About the prom. Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP Harvey: Saturday? Penelope: I CANT TALK TO YOU NOW Girls: GOING STEADY

Boys: YOU KNOW IT MAN Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: ITS CRAZY MAN Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT Suzie: IT WONT LAST April: NOT AT PRAYER Betty: SHES TOO COOL Clara: HES TOO SQUARE Harvey: HELLO MRS. MILLER THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE Boys: HIYA HUGO HIYA STUPID WHATCHA WANNA GO GET PINNED FOR Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Boys: HEY YA MEATHEAD Girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Boys: LOST YOUR MARBLES Girls: NOW THEYRE LIVING AT LAST Boys: ARE YOU NUTTY Girls: GOING STEADY FOR Harvey: HELLO MRS. GARFEIN IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET Some girls: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED

Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE SAW HIM Some girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE DUG HIM Some girls: NOW THEYRE LIVING AT LAST Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE NAILED HIM Girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD Boys: IF YOU GOTTA GO THATS THE WAY TO GO WHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKED Girls: OOOOOH! Boys: THEN YOURE REALLY COOKED WHATCHA GONNA DO WHATCHA GONNA DO Girls: OOOOOH! Girls and mixed couples (boys in parentheses): WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED (OH MAN) I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD (OH MAN) NOW THEYRE LIVING AT LAST (OH MAN) GOING STEADY FOR GOOD GOING STEADY (OOOH) GOING STEADY (OOOH) GOING STEADY (OOOH) STEADY FOR GOOD (OOH BUH DEE DOO) GOING STEADY (UH DOO WAH) GOING STEADY (UH DOO) GOING STEADY (DOO WAH) STEADY FOR GOOD (OOH BUH DEE DOO) All girls: HES IN LOVE WITH KIM KIMS IN LOVE WITH HIM

Boys (girls in parentheses): GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL) GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL) GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) Low voices (high voices in parentheses): THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (OH YEAH) THEYLL BE HAPPY I KNOW (OH YEAH) GOING STEADYS FOR ME (OH YEAH) THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD GO Girls: GOING STEADY GOING STEADY Boys: GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY STEADY FOR GOOD GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY OH.. YEAH! ACT 1 Scene 3 Ursula on phone and MacAfee house. Ursula: Kim MacAfee, what do you mean youre resigning from the Fan Club? I mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesnt mean you have to retire from all social life! Going steady is very important but there are some things more important than very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them. Kim: Im sorry, Ursula, but my minds made up. Of course, Ill still play his records, but things like the pledge and the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. Ursula: Youre giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings on television, youre not going to go AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Oh, Kim!

Doris: Kim dear, would you please get off the phone. Ive got some calls to make. Kim: All right! Sorry Ursula, Ive got to hang up. Youll explain everything to the other kids, wont you? Ursula: I suppose Ill have to. Bye, Kim. Kim, are you sure? I mean after all! I mean really, Kim, are you absolutely sure? Kim: Positive. After all, Im fifteen years old and its time I settled down. HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA AND SMILE A WOMANS SMILE HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE THATS ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE YOURE WHAT THEYRE WHISTLING AT ITS WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW YOURE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH YOUVE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE LIFES LOVELY WHEN YOURE A WOMAN LIKE ME HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN AND GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN UP AND FREE LIFES LOVELY WHEN YOURE A WOMAN LIKE ME

Doris: Kim, theres a call for you. The operator said shes been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour! Kim: Thank you, Doris. Ill get it. Doris: She said it was long distance and I cant imagine who What did you say? Kim: I said thank you, Doris. Theres no need to look so upset. Its modern to call your mother by her first name. It makes the mother and daughter more like pals. Doris: And your father? Kim: Ill call him Harry, naturally. By the way I think Harry took the news about Hugo and I awfully well, dont you, Doris? This is she. Yes, Ill wait. Doris: Yesterday I was a mother. Today Im a pal. Are you sure you wouldnt like to call me Mom? Thats modern. Kim: Im sorry, but times are changing and youve got to go along with them or be left behind with the old folks! Harry: Im not an old man! I was eighteen in World War II. (exits) Kim: Conrad Birdie is coming here to kiss me? Thank you. (hangs up then realizes) Doris. Mother. MOMMY!!!! Doris! BABY!!! What is it? Whats wrong? Kim: Birdie Conrad here coming kiss to me! Doris: Yes, dear. Mommy understands Kim: Mommy! Conrad Birdie is coming here to Sweet Apple to kiss me goodbye! Oh, Mommy, Mommy! Doris: I never thought Id say it but God bless Conrad Birdie! ACT 1 Scene 4 Penn Station Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WELL BE TRUE

Albert: Hello ladies, sorry Im late. Now lets go over the Birdie song once more before we go down to the train. One two three Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD Albert: (sees sad girl - Joanie) Oh, young lady, you can sing with us if you want. Joanie: No thank you. Albert: Whats the matter with her? Daisy: Oh, shes just sad because Conrads going into the army and shell be too old for him when he gets out. Joanie: (sighs) Whats the point? Laura: Mr. Peterson, Joanies been like this for three days. Cathy: Weve done everything to try to make her feel better. Albert: Let me see what I can do. (approaches Joanie) Hi! Im Albert Peterson, Conrads manager. Come on now, thats not way to be. Things cant be that bad. Smile! Little girl, this is an adult speaking! I order you to smile! Please? (sings) GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP PUT ON A HAPPY FACE BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP PUT ON A HAPPY FACE TAKE OF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY ITS NOT YOUR STYLE YOULL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOULL BE GLAD YOU DECIDED TO SMILE PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN WIPE OFF THAT FULL OF DOUBT LOOK SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Girls: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

Girls: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Kathryn: AND IF YOURE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH DONT SIT AND WHINE THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE AND YOULL FEEL FINE Francis: I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY SHED NEVER LAUGH OR SING SHE WOULDNT LISTEN TO ME NOW SHES A MEAN OLD THING All: SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Albert: Youd better hurry up if you want to see Conrad before he goes! (Rosie enters with luggage) Rosie! What are you doing? Youre supposed to take the early train to Sweet Apple to make all the arrangements on that end. Rosie: I wont miss my train. You forgot your briefcase. Plus, I figured Id better help you coach Conrad before he talks to any reporters. You know what happened the last time! Albert: Ill get to him as soon as possible. Ive got to wait here for Mama. Rosie: Speaking of your mother, Albert have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? Albert: I couldnt, Rosie. Yesterday was the anniversary. Rosie: Of what? Albert: Lou. Six years ago he was hit on 181st Street and Broadway by a loaded beer truck. Mama: SONNY!!!! (they embrace she staggers) Albert: Mama! Whats the matter? Mama: Dont worry about me, Sonny. Im just a little faint, from the subway Albert: Mama, I told you to take a taxi. Mama: Taxi! What do I need with taxis? Ill leave the taxis for my successful son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of disgusting people wouldnt give you a seat if your life depended on it, but whats the difference; nowadays a mother is lower

than dirt, anyway! Heres the money I saved from not taking the taxi. Buy some candy with it. (sees Rose) Whats that? Albert: Mama, you know Rose Alvarez from the office. Mama: This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? I cant believe it! Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? Rosie: Excuse me, Albert. I dont want to miss my train. Goodbye, Mae. Mama: Call me Mrs. Peterson. (Rose exits.) Albert: Mama, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Maybe youd better sit down. Mama: Why? I know my sonny. He loves his mama. He isnt going to say anything that would break her heart. Go ahead, dear, what about Rose? Albert: Well, its about Lou, too. Mama: Lou! Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage! What about Lou? Albert: Well, Mama, Rose things, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. (Mama staggers) Whats the matter, Mama? Mama: Nothings the matter. You killed me, thats all. Lou, Im coming! Im on my way up! Albert: You dont understand, Mama. Its just that Rose thought I mean I thought I mean Look, Mama. I have to go to Sweet Apple. Heres some money. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded. Mama: Nothing is too crowded for a mother. Ill go during rush hour. Thats the worst time. Wait a minute, how many blocks it it, after all? Only a hundred and seven. Ill walk. Albert: Mama Mama: Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. And eat a hot lunch. (exits) Rose: (enters) I thought you were going to break it to her gently.

Albert: Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didnt tell her at all. I mean, she was so upset about my leaving I thought Id better wait. Did you get to Conrad? Sally: Hes coming! Hes coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!! (Conrad, reporter, and New York teens enter.) Reporter: Hey, how about answering a couple of questions, Conrad? Like how do you feel about going into the army? Albert: HOW DOES HE FEEL YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS HES MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU SO ILL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER STRANGELY HUMBLE PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G.I. Rosie: HE WILL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS FOR HES NOT AFRAID TO DIE Teens: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Albert: And thats why he volunteered Reporter: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! And he appealed three times! Rosie: Sing! Teens: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WELL BE TRUE WHEN YOURE NOT NEAR US WERE BLUE OH CONRAD WE LOVE YOU Albert: Very nice! Reporter: Whats the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad? Are you two engaged? Rosie: IS HE ENGAGED IS CONRAD ENGAGED THERES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE RUMOR HES ENGAGED

Albert: SHES A REAL PAL LIKE A SISTER BUT IT DOESNT MEAN A THING AND THAT EIGHT CARAT DIAMOND IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP RING Teens: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Reporter: Then why was her husband so mad? Albert: Sing! Teens: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WELL BE TRUE HUM Albert: Ill never forget Conrads first words when he heard hes been accepted into the Armed Forces. Say, Mr. Peterson, he cried eagerly, Do you suppose I can get assigned to the front line trenches and get me one of those dirty Rosie: Albert! Albert: Uh whoevers dirty these days! Reporter: Hey, Mr. Peterson, give us the real scoop: Is Conrad still drinking a lot? Rosie: NOW LISTEN HERE THIS GOSSIP MUST STOP HE GOES TO CHURCH EACH SUNDAY AND HE DOESNT TOUCH A DROP Albert: HES AS DECENT AS A MINISTER HES AS SOBER AS A JUDGE HE SUBSCRIBES TO EVERY CHARITY AND HIS HOBBYS MAKING FUDGE Teens: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Reporter: Is it true that you found Conrad in a reform school? Albert and Rosie: THAT IS A LIE

A LIE THROUGH AND THROUGH ILL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM HERES THE STORY AND ITS TRUE Rosie (Albert in parentheses): HE WAS BORN IN INDO-CHINA (HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINNIE) SON OF MISSIONARIES THERE (ON A THOUSAND ACRE FARM) VERY POOR AND VERY HUNGRY (FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY PLANTERS) WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEAR (FULL OF GENTEEL SOUTHERN CHARM) THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO HONG KONG (EVERY EVENING BY THE RIVER) TO A WATERFRONT SALOON (IN THE MOONLIGHT THEY WOULD CROON) THAT IS WHERE I HEARD HIM SINGING (THATS WHERE CONRAD STARTED SINGING) NEATH THAT DIRTY HONG KONG MOON (NEATH THAT SWEET PLANTATION MOON) Teens (Adults in parentheses) : WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (OH BEAUTIFUL) OH YES WE DO (FOR SPACIOUS SKIES) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (FOR AMBER WAVES) AND WELL BE TRUE (OF GRAIN) OH OH CONRAD (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (GOD SHED HIS) WELL BE TRUE (GRACE ON THEE) Reporter: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING AVERAGE MODEST All: PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN AMERICAN BOY ACT 1 Scene 5 Sweet Apple Station (Rosie talking to Kim and girls.) Rosie: and once Mr. Birdies train arrives, well need you to pose with him for a few photos. Hugo: Kim, could I talk to you for a minute? Kim: Right now? Couldnt it wait?

Hugo: I dont think so, Kim. Its important. Rosie: Go ahead, Kim. Only dont be too long. (exits) Deborah Sue: Hugo Peabody, whats so important that you have to talk to her right now? Helen: Yes! Whats the urgently urgent urgency, Hugo?? Allison: Whatever it is cant be THAT important, Hugo. Hugo: Important? Ill tell you whats so important! The day after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someone else, thats whats so important! I want you to know Im quite upset about this. Ive already had several headaches and a nosebleed! Alice: Why Hugo, I believe youre actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! Hugo: Me jealous? Im the opposite of jealous. Im VERY jealous! And I have every right to be. Kims my steady! People just dont ditch their steadies. Carrie: Conrad Birdie isnt people, Hugo. Kim: Thats just it, Hugo. Im your steady! Oh I may admire Conrad Birdie as one admires a far distant and unattainable ideal. But Im pinned to you, Hugo, and I dont care how common and ordinary you are, thats how Im going to stay! Hugo: Youre not just saying that to make me feel better? Kim: I mean every word of it, Hugo. Conrad Birdie is just a fling. A steady is forever ONE BOY ONE SPECIAL BOY ONE BOY TO GO WITH TO TALK WITH AND WALK WITH All girls: ONE BOY THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ONE BOY ONE CERTAIN BOY ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH TO JOKE WITH HAVE COKE WITH ONE BOY NOT TWO OR THREE

Small group: ONE DAY YOULL FIND OUT THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU ONE BOY ONE STEADY BOY ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ONE BOY THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE Hugo: Oh Kim, all thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! Kim: You were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie doesnt have half the effect on me that my steady does. Why even when I say his name I dont feel a thing. Listen. Conrad Birdie. Conrad Birdie. Bonrad Cirdie. (swoons) Girls: ONE BOY ONE STEADY BOY ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ONE BOY THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE Judy: (enters) Look! Conrads train is pulling into the station! Hes here! (Kim, etc., exits.) Hugo: The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost faint and you heard her, Lady! That boy is me! Rosie: ONE DAY YOULL FIND OUT THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU ONE GUY ONE SPECIAL GUY ONE GUY TO LIVE FOR TO CARE FOR BE THERE FOR ONE GUY All: (entering with Conrad.) FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC

HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Ursula: Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before we hear from his honor, the mayor, I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final farewell kiss upon and who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge. Kim MacAfee! Kim and girls: I, (fill in name) being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast, and true, to Conrad Birdie, and the United States of America both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! Mayor: It is with great pride and prejudice as well as the usual pomp and circumstances, that I welcome you, Conrad Birdie Babs: AHHH!! HE SAID IT!! HE SAID THE NAME!!! (screams) Mayor: What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie. (Girls scream) I welcome youuhsir to our fair city and present you with this fourteen carat solid gold key so generously donated by employees at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. And as I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie (scream) If you girls dont stop that I cant finish my speech! Edna: Uh nobody cares about your speech, dear. I think I speak for the entire population when I say that wed much rather hear from Mr. Birdie! Mr. Birdie? Cathy: Speak to us, oh beautiful one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting jungle beast! Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE (Edna swoons) Mayor: Edna! Whats the matter? Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE Mayor: Mr. Birdie, what are you doing? Conrad: YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE WELL THEN YOURE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE REALLY FEEL IT YOU

MAKE THEM FEEL IT TOO WRITE THIS DOWN NOW YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE HONESTLY SINCERE MAN YOUVE GOTTA BE SINCERE Mayor: Edna!! IF YOURE REALLY SINCERE IF YOURE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE THEN ITS GOTTA BE RIGHT OOOH BABY (scream) OH HONEY (scream) HUG ME (scream) SUFFER (scream) IN EVERYTHING I DO MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE DONT EVEN HAVE TO TRY ITS AUTOMATIC IM SINCERE WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL I MEAN I REALLY FEEL SINCERE IF YOURE REALLY SINCERE IF YOURE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE THEN ITS GOTTA BE RIGHT OOOH BABY (scream) OH HONEY (scream) HUG ME (scream) SUFFER (scream) YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE OH OH OH YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE OH OH OH MY BABY OH MY BABY OH YEAH

OH MY BABY OH YEAH Mrs. Johnson: Harvey! Harvey! What are you doing? Mrs. Merkle: Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH YEAH YEAH (blackout) ACT 1 Scene 6 (In the darkness.) Mrs. Johnson: Harvey, where are you? Edna: Mister Birdie! Is that you? Mayor: No, Edna its me. Voice: Theres a lady lying in the gutter. Who does she belong to? Voice: Me. Leave her there.

Girls voice: I got a lock of someones hair! I wonder if its his! Mans voice: No it isnt. And give me my hat! Girls: (singing outside the MacAfees house) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WELL BE TRUE Margie: Im tired, Ursula. Deborah Sue: Weve been here all night! Ursula: We promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand times, didnt we? Well, weve got five thousand two hundred and seventy six to go. So sing! Kim: Daddy, I wish youd hurry. I want to have all this mess cleared away before Conrad comes in. Harry: This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfast. And I intend enjoying it. Doris: Your father has a right to enjoy his eggs, Kim. But Im sure he wont mind if we just quietly start clearing away some of these other things. I know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but Kims gone to a lot of trouble to fix a special breakfast for Mr. Birdie and I want to make sure everythings ready and waiting for him when he comes down. After all he is a national figure and I want to show these New York people we know how to treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. Of course it really doesnt mean that much to me personally but for Kims sake, I (breakfast is gone) There we are! All done! Did you enjoy it, dear? Good! Now if youll just hurry along Harry: Doris, I am not budging from this room until I get my coffee and read my paper! Doris: Oh Im sorry, dear. I didnt have time to make your coffee this morning. How about a nice warm Seven-Up? Randolph: (enters) Morning, Pa. Heres your paper. I hope you dont mind but I cut out a few stories about Conrad. Harry: (paper is full of holes) I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. I have extended the privilege of self-determination to both the woman I have married and the children I have sired. The vote has been denied no one for reasons of age, sex, or political affiliation. There has been no taxation without representation and open covenants have been openly arrived at. Last night I gave up my room to a guest who

repeatedly referred to me as Daddy-o Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray. Outside my window, three harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad four thousand seven hundred and twenty three times! I just lost two fried eggs! Gentlemen, the democracy is over! Parliament has been dissolved; the Magna Carta is revoked, and Nero is back in town! And you dont offer an emperor a warm Seven-Up! Albert: Oh, Mr. MacAfee! I hope you wont mind keeping off the phone for a few minutes. Were expecting a long-distance call from New York. Harry: Perfectly all right. Ill go out and burn Rome. (exits) Kim: Mother, whats wrong? Doris: Nothing, dear. Your fathers just excited about Conrads being here, thats all. Randolph: Hes coming! Hes coming! Kim: Hes coming! Ill get the eggs! Mother, you call the kids! Doris: Girls, hes coming! Youd better hurry if you want to watch him eat! Ursula: Mother! What are you doing here? Mrs. Merkle: Im sorry, Doris, but we just had to come, too! Well stand quietly back here. Randolph: Here he is! (Birdie enters in bathrobe. Grabs soda out of cabinet. Opens it, squirting everyone. Chugs it. Hands can to Doris.) Birdie: Call me for lunch. (passes Harry) Hey Daddy-o! Harry: Now look here, Doris. Doris: Please, Harry, hes just shy Edna: Theres room at my house, if youd rather. Mrs. Johnson: Well, if you ask me Harry: Doris, Kim is only fifteen and I dont want her Kim: Please, Daddy. Not in front of everybody!

Mrs. Merkle: Ursula, wed better go! Harry: I dont care whos here. No lout with bad manners Randolph: Tell em, Pa! Harry: Shut up. Doris: Harry, that young man is our guest and Harry: (to Kim) This is my house and until youre eighteen Randolph: Pa Harry: I said shut up! Until youre eighteen Randolph: But Pa Harry: Will you leave me alone? Albert: Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five million people Americans to see you? Harry: What are you talking about? Albert: Youre all going to be on television with Conrad. Harry: On television? Albert: I just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivan himself. Harry: You mean were going to be on the (he cant say it) Albert: Ed Sullivan Show. Harry: You mean were gonna get to meet Albert: Ed Sullivan. Thats right. Theyre going to cut in on Sweet Apple this Sunday night at 8:05 and youre all going to be on. Thats why I beg you to put aside all petty differences. To that great audience out there youre an American dream come true. And for the free worlds sake, Mr. MacAfee, dont destroy that dream! Harry: Me on the Doris: Ed Sullivan Show. ED SULLIVAN

Harry: Me, Harry MacAfee appearing with Randolph and Kim: ED SULLIVAN All: ED SULLIVAN ED SULLIVAN WERE GONNA BE ON ED SULLIVAN AHHHHH Harry: Ive got a wonderful wife two swell kids a good job, and now this! All: SOMEDAY WELL RECALL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL ED SULLIVAN ACT 1 Scene 7 Central Movie Theatre Rosie: Well, this is it, Albert what do you think? Albert: It looks great, Rose! Now theres something I want to talk to you about Rosie: Of course its been used as a movie theatre for the past thirty years but I think itll be fine for the TV show. Albert: Itll be swell, Rose. Now what I wanted to say was Rosie: Theyre shipping down the cameras and lights today, and whatever costumes we need we can Albert: Rose, Im sure everythingll be perfect. Now theres something very important I want to tell you. About about you and I, Rose. Rosie: You and ME, English teacher. Albert: I want to tell you that Im very glad you and I and me are out here together. Being away from New York, Rose has made me see all kinds of things in a different light. Thats why I want you to know that I wrote Mama and told her no matter what happened Ive decided to give up Almaelou. Rosie: Albert, you didnt! Albert: Yes, I did, Rose. I wrote her the day we left, which leaves three days and three nights for her to get in touch with me and so far not a word! If you ask me, shes accepted the whole thing by now.

Mama (enters): Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus but whats the difference? Im only a mother and for a mother a Trailways Bus is good enough! Albert: Mama! What are you doing here? Mama: Did you think I wouldnt come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? (wrings out letter) Pay no attention. Its only a mothers tears. Dear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, Albert. Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me! Who am I anyway? A sick old woman probably wont last the night. I just want a simple stone with one word carved on it. Alberts mother. And dont hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place. Ill walk. Albert: Mama! Mama: And tell that lady friend of hers I forgive her. She knoweth not what she doneth! Good riddance! And dont worry about a secretary. It so happens I met on the bus a perfect secretary. A wonderful refined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her to get off here. Sonny say hello to Gloria Rasputin. Gloria: Hi, Al! Hey, youre cute! Albert: But Mama, I dont need a secretary; I have Rosie! Mama: What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two shell be getting social security. Gloria: Well, listen I dont just have secretary skills. Albert: You do other things? Gloria: I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you would help me get into show business. Watch this! Mama: Bravo! Bravo! Gloria: Well, do I get the job? Albert: I dont know. Im used to working with Rosie. However, we are faced with a certain amount of work and Mama: Sonny, why dont you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types? Albert: Well, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie.

Rosie: Why should it make any difference to me? Albert: Swell! You just keep working and Ill go along with Miss Rasputin. (to Gloria) Can you use a typewriter? Gloria: No thanks. I already have one. (they exit) Rosie: I could kill him. I could just kill him. Hugo: (entering) Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but Im looking for Kim MacAfee. I just want to tell her that she is NOT to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does, Ill Miss Alvarez is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez! Its me! Hugo Peabody! Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? Rosie: Yes, Hugo I think you can. ACT 1 Scene 8 Theatre turns into a TV studio during Ed Sullivans announcement. Sullivan: So remember: Your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new Kodak! And now, the young man youve all been waiting to see. Harry: Ed, I hear you! Where are you??? Sullivan: As you know, in just about fourteen hours, one of show business brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement. And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet Apple, OLhio where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Harvey MacAfee Harry: Its Harry! Sullivan: And their children, Kim and Rudolph Randolph: Randolph! Sullivan: are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier Conrad Birdie! Conrad: OH ONE LAST KISS OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS

OH ONE MORE TIME OH BABY ONE MORE TIME IT REALLY IS SUBLIME OH HONEY SO SUBLIME YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE MORE KISS BA A A A A A A A A A A BY GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS BA A A A A A A A A A A BY GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS OH ONE LAST KISS OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS OH GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS OH GIVE ME ONE LAST Conrad: (to Kim) Brace yourself, kid! Hugo: Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie! (he aims for Conrads face) Conrad: (puts hands up) NOT THE HAIR! (Hugo punches Conrad in the stomach.) Kim: Hugo! You hit him! Hugo: He deserved it! He was a thief of love! Kim: Hugo Peabody! I never want to speak to you again! Albert: I demand to know whos responsible for this! Who let that kid in here?

Rosie: I did, Albert. Albert: Rosie! Rosie: Its a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. Albert: Rosie, come back! You cant leave me here alone! Rosie: Youre not alone, Albert. Youre on television! Albert: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY All: FOR HES A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY ACT 2 Scene 1 Kims room. Rosie: EIGHT YEARS EIGHT YEARS THATS HOW LONG IVE WAITED ON HIM THATS ALL IM THROUGH ALBERT DEAR TO PUT IT SWEETLY TO HELL WITH YOU Thats right! From now on its just going to be me, Rosie, on the town, making up for eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching, aspirin-splitting tower of Jello! WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM HOW DID I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY NOW THAT ITS OVER I CAN SMILE AND SAY WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM BOY I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB HOW DID I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY NOW THAT ITS OVER I CAN SMILE AND SAY WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM IS HE TENDER? NO HES NOT IS HE THOUGHTFUL? NO HES NOT AM I CRAZY? WHATS HE GOT THAT I FOUND SO DAMN APPEALING WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME WELL TO BE HONEST HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE BUT STILL IT WASNT WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START

BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART HOW DID I EVER WHY DID I EVER WHAT DID I EVER Kim: Dont be upset, Miss Alvarez. All men cant be like that! Rosie: Every one of them! Theyre all the same. From puberty to senility. From Benedict Arnold to Mussolini Kim: Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez? Rosie: We go on! We live! Sip from the cup of life! Mix the potion full strong and drain it to the dregs! Rosie and Kim: DO WE NEED THEM NO WE DONT DO WE WANT THEM NO WE DONT Kim: WILL WE LEAVE THEM? Rosie: NO WE WONT TELL ME WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? Rosie and Kim: WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE TAKE IT FROM US, WE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN Kim: Hugo F. Peabody! Rosie: Huh? Kim: Hugo! What did I ever see in him? Why, hes as bad as Mr. Peterson if not worse! Miss Alvarez, Im coming with you! Rosie: Kim, dont be ridiculous! Youre only fifteen! Kim: Juliet was fourteen when she left home. Rosie: And look what happened to her! Look, Kim, why dont you go have some milk and cookies and go to bed

Kim: Its too late for cookies, Miss Alvarez! I want to live! Well sip the dregs together! Well help eachother with our potions! ACT 2 Scene 2 Downstairs in MacAfee house Conrad: (entering with Albert and Mama) For the last time, Albert, Im okay and I dont feel like sleeping. Now leave me alone. Albert: Conrad, be reasonable! Youve had a severe shock and the best thing you can do is get upstairs and (sees Rosie) Aha! There she is! The traitor who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned! Rosie: Get out of my way, Albert. Mama: Be careful, Sonny. She may be armed! Albert: I can handle this, Mama. You go upstairs with Conrad and see he gets into bed. Mama: Wait for me, Conrad. Ill make you some Ovaltine. Rosie: Albert, Im going on the town tonight and I dont want to waste another minute! Albert: Not until Ive had my say, Rose. I just want to let you know that the kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. So it looks like youve failed, Rose. As anyone MUST fail who tries to beat Al Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry. (Continues to pantomime his greatness as Rosie sings.) Rosie: WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE TAKE IT FROM ME, IVE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART Albert: An Empire builder! A Collosseus! Rosie: Out of my way, you ex English teacher to be! WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM! (Rosie exits)

Albert: Rosie, come back! Do you hear me? This is King Kong calling! Rosie! I need you! Rosie, please come back! Rosie (Harry, Doris, and Randolph enter) And I dont care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarez, youre through here at Almaelou! Youre fired! And just remember one more thing. Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. You big rat! Sorry to have to do this in front of you folks, but Ive had to let Miss Alvarez go. (phone) Ill get that. Harry: Probably Hong Kong again. Albert: Hello, this is Albert Peterson speaking. Im sorry but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. Thats right Kim: Miss Alvarez! Wait for me! Im coming! Harry: Where do you think youre going, young lady? Kim: With Rosie! To drain deep the dregs and sip full hearty the brimming cup. To live! Im going to start by dying my hair! Doris: You will do no such thing! Kim: Its my hair! Harry: Not until youre 21! Upstairs. Kim: But daddy Harry: Upstairs. Do you hear me? I said upstairs. Kim: Miss Alvarez was right! Youre all the same. From puberty to Mussolini Harry: Whats that? You dare say puberty in front of your own father? Not to mention Mussolini! Doris weve failed as parents! I never asked much from my children. Just respect. A little respect. Thats all I asked for. Respect. But did I get respect? I did not get respect. I get no respect. Randolph: I respect you, Pa. Harry: I dont want your respect. Youre a child. What good is respect from a child? Doris, take me upstairs. Im not a well man. Certain words I didnt want to hear In this house. Puberty was the first. Mussolini was the second and respect was the third. Albert: (still on phone) Now look here. I dont care what magazine youre from. No little local reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Peterson and you can print that in what did you say your magazine is called again? Life? (hangs up) Rosie, I need you!

Mama: (enters) Sonnyboy! Where are you going? Albert: Nowhere, Mama. Just out. Its stuffy in here so I thought To look for Rosie, Mama. I love her and I want her back! Mama: Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, Sonny, find her and bring her back here. And by the way, dear, when you get back be sure to stop in the kitchen and take my head out of the oven and turn off the gas. Its a strange house. I dont want to run up a bill. Albert: Mama, its electric. And Ive had enough of this! If you really loved me, youd help me find Rosie before its too late. Dont you realize whats happened? Shes gone out to make up for all the years shes wasted on me. Who knows what low dive shes in at this very moment. Mama: Oh, sonny, youre right! Ill help you find her. Only maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first. Albert: What message? Mama: Nothing to worry about, darling. He just says hes going out tonight and he doesnt think hell get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow Albert: Mama, why didnt you tell me this before? Mama: I tried to, darling sweetheart, but you kept bringing up a certain party Albert: I dont know whats the matter with him! He knows how much this means to me! Conrad! Conrad! Conrad: (entering) Take it easy! Im coming And before you start hollering, Albert, I just want you to know that Ive made up my mind. Im tired of getting up at nine every morning, having people watch me when I eat, and letting kids poke me in the eye. I want to have some fun! Go out! Meet a couple of girls! Dont you understand, Albert. I am tense! Albert: Mama, dont just stand there! Do something! Mama: Conrad, did you ever think in terms of a more mature woman? Conrad: Man, I hope I never get THAT tense. Now look, buddy boy, this is my last free night before I go into the army and I am going out! Albert: You cant go out without my permission! It says so in your contract! Mama, get the contract. Its in my never mind. Ill get it myself.

Conrad: THERE ARE GIRLS JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSING AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW MAN THOSE GIRLS DONT KNOW WHAT THEYRE MISSING I GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO SIZZLING STEAKS ALL READY FOR TASTING AND THERES CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW GOTTA MOVE CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTING THERES SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO Kim: THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY WHO ARE SUAVE AND RECKLESS AND TRUE OLDER MEN WHOLL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY IVE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO ACT 2 Scene 3 A street Conrad: THERES MUSIC TO PLAY PLACES TO GO PEOPLE TO SEE EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME Conrad: Hey, you kids live here, dont you? Harvey: Yes, Mr. Birdie. Conrad: Whats the lowdown on this town? Harvey: Sweet Apple Ohio was founded in 1852 by Jeremia S. Apple who Conrad: I mean what do you DO here? Where do you go to have fun? Kelly: Well, theres the community center and the Sweet Shop and the older kids go to the ice house. Conrad: Whats there? Kelly: I dont know. Ice, I guess.

Kim: It just so happens, Mr. Birdie, that the ice house is where people go when they want to be alone. Conrad: Hey, aint you the girl I was supposed to kiss? Kim: I am a fully grown woman and I insist on being treated as such. Thats why Im leaving home. Conrad: Now youre talking! Come on, lets move! We got things to do! Wanda: CRAZY CLOTHES Freddie: AND MOTOR BOAT RACES All: SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO Meredith: BROADWAY LIGHTS Stacey: AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES All: THERES SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO LOTS OF DATES AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU LOOP THE LOOP AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW MOONLIGHT SWIMS AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU YEAH WE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO WOW! Karl: THERES MUSIC TO PLAY YOU KNOW IT Karl: PLACES TO GO YOU KNOW IT! Karl: PEOPLE TO SEE! EVERYTHING YEAH Karl: FOR YOU AND ME All: OH LIFES A BALL IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT

AND ITS ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU YOURE ALIVE SO COME ON AND SHOW IT OH WEVE GOT A LOT OF LIVING SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO Mayor and Edna: Alice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight to bed! Alice! Mrs. Johnson: Harvey Johnson, I want you home this minute! Mrs. Merkle: Do you hear me, Ursula? Mothers calling you! Ursula! Conrad: THERES MUSIC TO PLAY PLACES TO GO PEOPLE TO SEE EVERYTHING Kids: YEAH! Conrad: FOR YOU AND ME Conrad and kids: OH LIFES A BALL IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT AND ITS ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU YOURE ALIVE SO COME ON AND SHOW IT OH WEVE GOT A LOT OF LIVING SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Eleanor: Isnt this so incredibly exciting? Daphne: You said it! I cant wait to Loop the Loop! Gigi: Neither can I! Harriet: Exactly what IS Loop the Loop? Gigi: I have no idea! But I cant wait! Hugo: Robert! Have you seen Kim? Robert: Yeah! She went off with Conrad and a bunch of other kids.

Monty: Hey Robert! Are you going to raise heck with the kids? Robert: Yeah but I had to go home first. If my mom sees me without my sweater, shell kill me! Monty: Yeah thats why Im late, too. Lets go! Melanie: Motorboat Races! That sounds like sooooooo much fun! Nanette: Yeah! And theyll be even MORE fun if we can find some water! Harry: Kim! Kim, where are you? Hugo, have you seen Kim? Hugo: Dont ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie Harry: What are you talking about? Hugo: Theyre out together having moonlight swims and motorboat races and loop the loop! Im going to do the only sensible thing. Drink myself to death! Harry: Moonlight swims Motorboat races Loop the loop! Doris, get my gun. Albert: Mr. MacAfee, you havent seen Conrad, have you? Harry; No, but I intend seeing him, Mr. Peterson. So if you have a message, Ill be glad to deliver it right after I shoot him. Albert: Shoot him! Rosie! Ive got to find Rosie! (exits) Doris: Dear, what are you talking about? You know you dont have a gun! Harry: Theres that Daisy Air Rifle in the garage. Randolph: Thats Randolphs, dear. Harry: Shut up. I wonder where I can buy beebees this late at night Doris: Anyway, its broken, dear Harry: Then get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you for your birthday with the suction tips! Dont just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop the loop with a fiend! Get me a water gun! Wheres Randolph? (Randolph enters dressed like Conrad.) KIDS I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY

KIDS WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY KIDS THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESEPCTFUL OAFS NOISY CRAZY SLOPPY LAZY LOAFERS AND WHILE WERE ON THE SUBJECT KIDS YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE KIDS BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WHY CANT THEY BE LIKE WE WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY Harry and Doris: KIDS I dont mind the moonlight swims; its the loop the loop that hurts. KIDS Why dont they lower the draft age to about eleven? KIDS I didnt know what puberty was until I was almost past it! Harry and Doris: KIDS THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL KIDS WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL WHY CANT THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID WHATS WRONG WITH SAMMY KAYE Randolph: Pop, heres my pea shooter! Harry: Perfect! Give it to me! Harry and Doris: WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY (blackout) ACT 2 Scene 4 Maudes Roadside Retreat Hugo: (enters) Ill have a double rocks on the scotch. And put some rocks in it this time.

Maude: How old are you? Hugo: 32. Maude: Get out. Hugo: How about a beer? Maude: Scram. Hugo: Just let me sit here with an empty glass in front of me. Maude: Out. Hugo: I demand to see the manager. Wheres Maude? Maude: Im Maude. Hugo: But your nametag says Edna. Maude: Yeah. Edna F. Maude. Hugo: Hugo Peabody. Maude: Nice to meet you. And if youre not out of here in one minute, Ill take you by the scruff of the neck and throw you out. Hugo: Okay, Im going this is the last time I do my drinking in this place. (Hugo exits. Rosie enters.) Rosie: Double bourbon, scotch on the side, no ice, and a cherry in it. Make that two cherries! And bring on the dancing boys! (sings) Da da da da Maude: Get out of here! (phone) Yeah? Rosie: You cant throw me out! Im an American citizen and its my constitutional right to go anywhere I choose and do anything I choose. Da da da da da Albert: (simultaneous with above) Hello, this is Albert J. Peterson speaking. Is Rose Alvarez there? I think I hear her voice now. Would you put her on, please? Maude: Hey! I got a guy named Peterson wants to talk to you. Rosie: Tell that weaselly little rat Im not here.

Albert: That proves shes there! Who else would know Im a weaselly little rat? Rose, Ive got to talk to you! Its about Conrad! Rosie: And furthermore, the one thing that would make me hang up is any mention of anybody named Conrad! Albert: No, Rosie, please dont hang up! I wont mention Conrad. Well talk about anything you want! You, me, I, anything! Oh, Rosie, please TALK TO ME ROSIE WONT YOU TALK TO ME I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY ROSIE TALK TO ME MUST YOU BE OH SO FAR AWAY FROM ME IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY TALK TO ME (Maude and customers in parentheses) AND IF YOU MISS ME (MMM) TELL ME SO (MMM) ARE YOU LONELY (MMM) TELL ME SO (MMM) SAY YOU LOVE ME (MMM) TELL ME SO ROSIE LET ME KNOW TALK TO ME (TALK TO ME) TILL I HAVE YOU (TILL HE HAS YOU AH) CLOSE TO ME (AH) THEN YOULL SEE (AH) WE WONT HAVE TO TALK AT ALL Maude (customers in parentheses) MUST YOU BE OH SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM BABY HE WONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY (OH BABY) TALK (TALK) TO ME AND IF YOU MISS HIM Guys: OH TELL HIM SO Albert: ARE YOU LONELY

Guys: TELL HIM SO Albert: SAY YOU LOVE ME (OOOH OOOH OOOH) TELL ME SO (OOOH OOOH OOOH) Guys: HONEY Albert: LET ME KNOW TALK TO ME (TALK TO ME) TILL I PRESS YOU (TILL I BRING YOU) CLOSE TO ME (CLOSE TO ME) THEN YOULL SEE (THEN YOULL SEE) All: WE (YOU) WONT HAVE TO TALK AT ALL Guys: TILL I BRING YOU CLOSE TO ME Albert: THEN YOULL SEE Solo: WE WONT HAVE TO TALK (AH) AT ALL Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME All: HMMMM Albert: Rosie, youre not alone, are you? Rosie: No, Im not alone, Albert. Im with friends. Albert: Ill be right there! (hangs up Rosie exits) ACT 2 Scene 6 Outside Maudes. Hugo: Miss Alvarez, my whole world is collapsing before me! I cant get a drink and Kims run off with Conrad to the ice house.

Rosie: Kim and Conrad! Albert! Ive got to call Albert! Hugo, come with me! (exit into Maudes) Albert: Here I come, Rosie! I told you Id be right there! Hurry, Mama! Mama: I dont know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place. If you listen to me, Sonnyboy, youll come home, have a nice cup of Ovaltine and go to bed. Albert: Mama, I told you Im not coming home until I find Rosie! Now if you want to leave, thats okay with me. As a matter of fact, its not a bad idea. Why dont you go home, Mama. Mama: What did you say, sweetheart, darling? Albert: I said, Why dont you go home, Mama? Mama: Would you mind repeating that once more, sunshine of my existence? Albert: I said go home, Mama. I dont need you anymore. Mama: So its come at last! At last its come! The day I knew would come at last has come at last! My sonnyboy doesnt need me anymore. Well, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Just throw me out with the used grapefruits and the empty cans from the Bumble-Bee salmon. Never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open so a hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a mother. And by the way, sweetheart, darling, I got some good news for you. I got the report from the hospital. Its absolutely definite. I got a condition. Never mind what kind of condition a condition. And the one thing doctors cant cure is a condition. I dont want you to worry, though. Fancy funerals are for rich people. I dont want you to spend a cent. Just wail til Mothers Day, wrap me in a flag, and dump me in the river! Well, I feel better now. Everything is as it should be. A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the city dump, and a son is running around in saloons with a woman whose sole purpose is to destroy a mothers life! Albert: Are you finished, Mama? Mama: Yes, Sonnyboy. Albert: Goodnight, Mama. Mama: Youre just like your father! Youd marry anything! Goodnight, Sonnyboy! Albert: My name is not Sonnyboy! Mama: Goodnight. Aaaalbert! (exits)

Harry: (enters) Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim? Albert: (a new man) Ah, there, Mr. MacAfee! Unfortunately, I must tell you that Conrads affairs no longer interest me. Im looking for Miss Alvarez now to tell her that Conrad and Kim??? Doris: Theyve run off together! Harry: And if we dont find them soon, Mr. Peterson, I intend calling the FBI! Albert: Im sure theres nothing to worry about Mrs. Merkle: Doris! Harry! Have you seen Ursula? All: Ursula? Doris: Is she missing, too? Mrs. Merkle: Since ten oclock! Ive looked everywhere! Harry: Mr. Peterson! Mrs. Johnson: Doris, you havent seen Harvey, have you? Parents: (adlib) And Phyllis! And Monty! Albert: Theyre probably all down at the drugstore maybe having one of those gang wars! (realizes what he said and exits) Harry: Gang wars!! Mama: (enters) Children. Better you should have a pet! Harry: You know where you stand with a pay-ut! Mama: Youre telling me! All: KIDS Mrs. Merkle: I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY All: KIDS Mrs. Johnson: WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY

Randolph: KIDS THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS AND SO IMMATURE I DONT SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS EM Mama: JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE Randolph: KIDS THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL Mama: SOON YOULL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE Randolph: KIDS WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL Mama: ONE MORE UNGRATEFUL DELINQUENT Randolph: WHY CANT THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY Both: WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS TOAll: KIDS WHAT THE DEVILS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY KIDS WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY WHY CANT THEY BE LIKE WE WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY Harry: WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS Randolph: WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS All: WHATS THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY! (Mama exits) Hugo: (enters drunk) Hi, everybody! Good old Hugo here! Doris: Hugo Peabody! What have you been drinking? Hugo: Milk. But it worked! Anyhow, Ive got a perfect right to be drunk. My girls gone off with Conrad Birdie to

Rosie: (enters) Albert! Albert: Rosie! Where have you been? Ive been looking for you all night! I have good news for you, Rosie! I did it! I sent Mama home! I am a new man, Rose! A world leader! Rosie: Albert, Conrad and Kim have gone to the ice house! Parents: (adlib) The ice house! Call the police! Conrad: (enters) Albert! Thank God youre here! You gotta protect me! Albert: Protect you? From what? Ursula: (entering with kids) Conrad! Amanda: Were coming with you, Mr. Birdie! Do you mind if I call you Conrad? Conrad: Coming with me??? Freddie: Yeah! Weve got a lot of living to do! Betty: Well follow you to the ends of the earth! Clara: Well never go home again! Except for meals! Terry: Nothing ever happened in Sweet Apple until you showed up! Penny: Yeah. It was kind of like The Music Man, but different! Lucy: Well never be bored again!!! Babs: Moonlight Swims! Harvey: Motorboat races! Karl: Loop the loop! Naomi: Does ANYONE know what Loop the loop is??? Vanessa: Well go to parties every weekend! Suzie: Just like in the 7th grade! Conrad: That stuff really aint as much fun as I made out

(Cop enters) Harry: There he is! The depraved brute! Arrest that man! Cop: Well now, what have you got to say, Mr. Birdie? Conrad: (to cop) Help me. Cop: Ill have to place you under arrest until this gets straightened out. Conrad: Finally, a normal person in this town. Cop: But first, can I have an autograph? Kim: Hugo! Hugo: Kim! Kim and Hugo: Are you alright? Kim: Hugo, I still want to live, but not if its without my steady. (they exit) Albert: Ive got to get Conrad out of jail. Rosie: Listen to me! You go back to the house and Ill go down to the courthouse and try talking to the mayor Albert: Rose, did you hear what I said before? This is the new Albert! Now listen to ME. You go get our bags and be down at the station by six-thirty tomorrow morning when I intend to be there with Conrad! And bring whatever legal documents are necessary because I intend making you Mrs. Peterson by 2400 hours tomorrow! Rosie, did I mention I loved you? Rosie: Not yet, Albert. Albert: Well, I do. (exits) Rosie: Oh, Rosie, nothing can stop you now! Mama: (enters) Hello, Rose. Rosie: Hello, Mae. Mama: So were alone at last. Have you a minute to spare?

Rosie: Ill always have time to talk with the woman who by tomorrow evening Ill be able to call Mama: Dont say it! Rosie: Mother. Mama: The cruelest word I ever heard. Id better go now. Goodbye, Rose. Rosie: Call me Mrs. Peterson. (blackout) ACT 2 Scene 7 Sweet Apple Railroad Station morning Albert: Theres no one here! Come on Conrad: (in womens clothes) Now look, Albert. Albert: Shut up and get on that train! It took every cent I had to bail you out, and I dont want you seen until were out of this state! Now get aboard! Conrad: Wait a minute, buddy boy! You saved my life, and whether you pay me no guarantee or not you got a contract with me forever. Albert: Conrad, what are you saying? Conrad: Heres a blank piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. You just fill in whatever you want. Mama: Hello Albert. Albert: Mama! Mama: (to Conrad) Rose, you look good for a change! I know all about you two. Dont worry. I wont make a fuss. Ill do what any intelligent mother has to do. (lies down on the track) Albert: Mama, get up and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense Harry: (enters) Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what youve done with Mr. Birdie! Hes not in the jail! Albert: How should I know where he is? I havent seen him all night. Im just down here to say goodbye to Rosie.

(Conrad opens soda which spews.) Harry: Mr. Peterson! Doris: Now theres no point getting excited, dear! After all, theres no real harm done. Kim and Hugo are back together again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened. He proposed to her this morning and she accepted. Harry: AHHHH!!! Doris: Dear, whats wrong? Harry: My life is over now. Ill sell the house and go into a home. (they exit) Conrad: Albert, the trains leaving! Get on! Albert: Bye, Conrad. Mama: Albert!!! Conrad: Albert, dont leave me! Rosie: (enters) Well, here I am, Albert. Six-thirty on the button. Wheres the train? Albert: It left at six-twenty-five Rosie: Albert, you told me to be here at Albert: With Conrad. Rosie at six thirty sharp. I know because Albert: And Mama. Rosie: Albert you wanted to miss that train! Albert: It stands to reason, Rose. Why get on a train to New York when weve got tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? Rosie: Whats in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? Albert: An opening in the teaching staff of Pumpkin Falls Middle School. I read about it in this mornings paper. And I hope youve brought your documents, Rose, because they prefer the applicant to be married.

Rosie: Youre going to teach middle school! Oh, Albert! Albert: NOW MY LIFE IS ROSIE SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE HOW COULD I BE BLUE HAND IN HAND WELL MOSEY ME AND LITTLE ROSIE WE WILL BE SO COZY BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO OH I ONCE HEARD A POEM THAT GOES A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE WELL I DONT AGREE TAKE IT FROM ME THERES ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ANY THAT GROWS All: AND THATS MY ROSIE IM SO GLAD SHE CHOSE ME LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME Albert (chorus in parentheses): NOW MY LIFE IS ROSIE (WE LOVE YOU ROSIE) SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE (OH YES WE DO) WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE (WE DONT LOVE ANYONE) HOW COULD I BE BLUE (AS MUCH AS YOU) Rosie: OH WELL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST A NICE LITTLE SPLIT-LEVEL NEXT AND IN EVERY ROOM ROSES IN BLOOM All: BUT THERES ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ALL OF THE REST AND THATS MY ROSIE IM SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG WHEN LOVE IS RIGHT THEN WHAT COULD BE WRONG LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME

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