HarperSport An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 7785 Fulham Palace Road, Hammersmith, London W6 8JB www.harpercollins.co.

uk First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2013 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 David Lloyd 2013 David Lloyd asserts the moral right to be identied as the author of this work All photographs Getty Images with the following exceptions: page 1 (right), page 2 (top), page 5 (top right), page 6 (top) Popperfoto/Getty Images; page 3 (bottom right), page 4 (all), page 6 (bottom left) Patrick Eagar via Getty Images; page 7 (top left) WireImage; page 7 (top right) AFP/Getty Images; page 8 Gareth Copley, Getty Images A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978-0-00-738285-9 Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.

FSC is a non-prot international organisation established to promote the responsible management of the worlds forests. Products carrying the FSC label are independently certied to assure customers that they come from forests that are managed to meet the social, economic and ecological needs of present and future generations, and other controlled sources. Find out more about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green

THE ASHES ACCORDING TO BUMBLE

different parts, the other side of my protective box. They had migrated south (and every other compass point imaginable for that matter) the instant that a 3,000 mph Thomson thunderbolt shattered this plastic protector, turning it into some kind of medieval torture implement. For the particular delivery in question, I got myself too square on and immediately knew there was trouble looming, hoping beyond hope that I would get some bat on ball as it climbed above stump level. Alas, no such luck. One of crickets more interesting facts is that the rst testicular guard was used in 1874, yet it took another 100 years for the rst helmets to be worn. A relatively short time, I guess, for blokes to work out that their brains could also play an important part in their lives. Of course, we are now so used to seeing blokes head out into the middle for gladiatorial combat with every piece of body armour imaginable. But we certainly didnt have things like chest guards or arm guards back then. You would have something resembling a thigh pad, although they were nowhere near the thickness of the ones you see in kitbags down your local club these days. These things were a bit imsy to say the least. But being that way meant you had the chance to slide a Readers Digest or your spare socks down there too to provide extra protection. Yes, the sight of batsmen wearing helmets was still in its infancy, I wasnt using one, and I might as well not have been sporting anything between my legs either for the good it did. This pink litesome was completely useless for the job it was supposed to do. If you cant remember what these litesomes looked like, heres a reminder: you can still see them in use

48

In the Line of Duty

these days in bathrooms up and down the country you know, those plastic things you keep your soap in. Nowadays batsmen are much better protected around the groin but this imsy thing did more harm than good. Because it was full of breath holes it splintered on impact and concertinaed my knackers. Suddenly, everything that was supposed to be on the inside was now on the outside. If you want to get a tad more graphic, imagine a cactus growing the wrong way out of its pot. Then consider for a moment how that might feel Was it any wonder that I jack-knifed straight onto my head? Talk about being doubled up in pain. I lose my voice every November in memory of that cracker in the knacker. Number one priority once back in the dressing room was to release my master of ceremonies from its snare: a pretty unforgiving job for Bernard Thomas, who certainly hadnt signed up for that kind of thing when agreeing to be England team physio. We didnt have any medical staff travelling with us in those days, though, so sufce to say I was very grateful for Bernards delicate handling of the situation. To be frank, such was the stinging sensation, I wouldnt have minded a personal visit from the Fremantle Doctor but in the end had to settle for an hour or two of ice treatment once back in the dressing room. Can you take the pain away but leave the swelling? Id pleaded with Bernard upon retiring hurt. You know as an England opener in Australia that you are going to cop some, and the crowd at the WACA turned gladiatorial, egging their evil henchmen on the next morning when I resumed my innings. The hairs stood up on the back of your neck walking to the crease anticipating a serious going over. A combination of Perths extra bounce even these days

49

Read the rest of

Bumble
BUY NOW
Ebook

According to

The

Ashes

Hardback