Eight Epic Conventions in Paradise L0ST 1.

Epic poems tell an already well-known story, like when your roommate tells you how hard he boned his Trinidadian boyfriend last night even though said boyfriend already told you about it through a text message as soon as you woke up that morning, but its equally as gay. Here, Milton tells the story of Adam and Eve, and anyone who has been to Sunday school for more than two weeks in a row knows how this story is going to end. Plus, as if the story wasnt well known enough, he titles the poem PARADISE FUCKING LOST! Hey, just in case you were wondering whats gonna happen to the paradise these characters have been given, Milton is right here to make sure you dont. Its as if he wants to sap any possible enjoyment or intrigue out of the poem as soon as possible. This convention basically equates to titling a movie something like Bruce Willis is a Ghost, The Kid Who Plays Puck Is Gonna Shoot

Himself In The Head, or Juno and Bleaker Lie in Bed and Cry Like Bitches. 2. Epic poems always begin by invoking a muse. Milton invokes his muse in no less than 17,000 words. Traditionally, muses were thought to be female, so naturally the poet of the epic poem has to shower the muse in adoration, compliments, and very clear instructions on the task at hand before the bitch will do her job. Said adornment typically takes up at least 16,997 of the 17,000 allowed. When it comes to epic poems, remember; no matter how many pages youve read, if the poet hasnt said the word muse yet, the poem hasnt actually begun. It is well-documented that many lesserknown epics are entirely made up of flattering, muse-invoking wankery. 3. Epic poems explain the purpose of their existence early on. This is seen as an early predecessor to the hipster college douche whos minoring in film and cant stop talking

about how symbolic, satirical, and (brace for impact) epic their eleven-minute long midterm project is. They talk about it so much and so often, that you actually want to believe their tragic story about a whore who fucks a guy and then cries when she sees a cross is going to, somehow, topple capitalism, or homophobia, or some shit. Equally ambitious and equally pointless, Milton seeks to use Paradise Lost to justify the ways of God to man. Well, doesnt someone think very highly of his iambic pentameter? Someone shouldve told Milton that God Himself already tried to use literature to justify his ways to man; it was called the bible and didnt do a great job. Since the bible never invoked a muse, it is hard to tell exactly which epic work of literature more epically fails at this pursuit. 4. Epic poems typically contain some type of celestial conflict, which is, by far, the coolest sounding part of epic poetry. Although the

term goes out of its ways to sound really uninteresting, celestial conflict can be alternatively referred to as Super Powerful Gods Bringing War On Other Super Powerful Gods. Remember when you were a kid and you used to argue about whether or not Spiderman can beat up Batman (he cant)? Well, congrats; you were an epic poet. How awesome of an epic poem would Paradise Lost be if it were all about Satans pride-driven war against heaven, demons versus angels, Ho-Oh versus Lugia? Well, as is the case with Milton, a perfect opportunity to create interest is wasted, all thanks to #5. 5. Epic poems begin in media res. This means they start in the middle of the action, or in the case of Paradise Lost, after all the interesting things (see: #4) have already happened! Instead of exploding magic bombs and flaming swords OF DOOM, we get to hear Satan whining over his loss like you

used to do when the older kids stole your Tonka Trunks (and you call yourself an epic poet). 6. Epic poems introduce a shit ton of unnecessary characters somewhere towards the beginning of the story. In the case of Milton, we get a bunch of Satans generals coming up with really stupid plans for getting back at God, none of which include any type of bloody, awesome, violent campaigns to try and win back the throne (or maybe they did; Im not sure exactly when Milton stopped invoking the muse so my comprehension of the story is a little weak). Modern day versions of this convention can be found in the phone book and in the song Mambo #5. 7. Epic poems feature an epic hero. Miltons epic hero is Satan. Srsly. His achilles heel is his ambition, which causes him to aim too high and end up falling on his face, kind of like a certain epic poet I know who tried to justify the ways of God to man, but just

ended up giving lazy college students a tale that would justify said laziness, if they werent too lazy to read it. All that irony provides a good transition into #8. 8. Epic poems contain a certain level of dramatic irony. In Paradise Lost, once Milton has finished invoking the muse, explaining how epic his epic poem is going to be, and listing the name of every two-bit demon in hell, we eventually get into the story of Adam and Eve being tempted by Satan. The dramatic irony here is that the audience (the lucky reader) knows that a tempter is in the garden, but the characters do not. Well, God knows hes there, but Adam and Eve dont. Actually, Adam knows hes there too, but they dont tell Eve because I really have no clue why they dont tell her. Hey Milton, instead of trying to justify the ways of God to man, can you take a second and justify the ways of Adam to Eve? Just seems like more annoying anti-feminism from the epic poets,

who somehow find it OK portray Eve as some nagging bimbo who is never told there is a tempter in the garden even though her husband and her deity know there is, and yet is somehow totally to blame for the fall of mankind. Im no feminist by any stretch of the imagination (I use The Awakening as a placemat when my bitch makes the spaghetti too watery), but even I cant back this one up.