extr@ English Programme Summaries

Table of Contents

Episode 1: Hectors Arrival Bridget and Annie share a flat in London. Bridget is a fitness enthusiast and also a tough nut when it comes to romance. She receives a letter from her old penfriend in Argentina called Hector saying that he plans to visit on that very day! There is a knock on the door but it is not Hector it is Nick, the boy next door who fancies Bridget and will not be happy to hear that he has new competition. When Hector does arrive, at first he doesnt look very attractive. He is dressed very strangely and acts very strangely. The girls leave him with Nick who persuades him to tell Annie that her dog is in the oven, and to ride on Bridgets exercise bike knowing that she hates anyone riding her bike. When the girls return they are suitably annoyed and decide that Hector must go. That is, until he emerges from the shower! When they see him without his oldfashioned clothes, they realise that he is very good looking. Nick discovers that Hector comes from one of the richest families in Argentina, but Hector is determined to keep it a secret. Now, both Nick and the girls are very keen for him to stay! Episode 2: Hector Goes Shopping Hector needs some new clothes and Bridget, Annie and Nick offer to help. Each has a different idea about how he should look. They teach him some shopping phrases, but eventually they go off to buy some clothes for him. Hector is left in the flat and decides to do the food shopping on the internet. Unfortunately he gets the numbers all wrong and far too much food is delivered. When the girls and Nick return they have each bought him a different piece of clothing in a different style. The results are disastrous, so Hector decides hell go and try for himself. He returns with a stylish outfit that surprises them all. Then they get a call from the landlady: why is the lobby filled with cases of dog food? Episode 3: Hector Has a Date Annie is trying to find a boyfriend on the internet but is not having much luck. Hector is exercising with a fitness video but Bridget thinks she can teach him herself, much to Nicks annoyance. Bridget and Annie go out leaving Hector to water the plants and put on the washing machine. Hector mistakes perfume for flower spray and puts the washing machine on a very hot wash. The two boys decide to see if they can get a date on the internet. They write an exaggerated description of themselves and fake some photos. They then leave. The girls return to find that the plant has died and Hectors red tee-shirt has turned all the washing bright pink. They are furious. Annie finds that she has hundreds of messages on the computer in response to the boys advert. Bridget and Annie decide to have some fun and get their own back on Hector. They delete all the messages, but then send one from themselves, setting up a date. The boys are very excited, especially as the girls have described themselves as exotic dancers. However, when they finally arrive, they are wearing dog costumes! They are dancers in Woof The Musical. It takes a while for the boys to realise they have been tricked. Episode 4: Hector Looks for a Job Nick is looking for a job as a stuntman and Hector decides that he should get a job too. The girls help him decide to try for a job as a waiter. Bridget invites her boss to the flat for dinner. The girls also receive a mysterious gift: a beautiful new dress for each of them. They assume that the dresses come from Bridgets boss. He has a reputation as a womaniser so the boys decide to help at the dinner party: Nick will do the cooking and Hector will be the waiter. It will be good practice. When the boss, Howard, arrives it is clear that he has bad intentions and insults the boys. Bridget does not like this and she throws him out and then resigns. Then the girls discover that in fact the dresses were a present from Hector. However, the girls still do not realise how rich he is.

Episode 1: Hectors Arrival ............................................................................................................... 2 Episode 2: Hector Goes Shopping ................................................................................................... 2 Episode 3: Hector Has a Date.......................................................................................................... 2 Episode 4: Hector Looks for a Job ................................................................................................... 2 Episode 5: A Star Is Born ................................................................................................................. 3 Episode 6: Bridget Wins the Lottery ................................................................................................. 3 Episode 7: The Twin......................................................................................................................... 3 Episode 8: The Landladys Cousin................................................................................................... 3 Episode 9: Jobs for the Boys............................................................................................................ 4 Episode 10: Annies Protest ............................................................................................................. 4 Episode 11: Holiday Time ................................................................................................................ 4 Episode 12: Football Crazy .............................................................................................................. 4 Episode 13: A Wedding in the Air..................................................................................................... 5 Episode 14: Changes ....................................................................................................................... 5 Episode 15: The Bouncer................................................................................................................. 5 Episode 16: Uncle Nick .................................................................................................................... 5 Episode 17: Cyber Stress................................................................................................................. 6 Episode 18: Just the Ticket .............................................................................................................. 6 Episode 19: Kung Fu Fighting .......................................................................................................... 6 Episode 20: Every Dog has its Day.................................................................................................. 6 Episode 21: The Entertainers........................................................................................................... 7 Episode 22: Haunting at Halloween ................................................................................................. 7 Episode 23: Truth or Dare ................................................................................................................ 7 Episode 24: Pilot Nick....................................................................................................................... 8 Episode 25: Art ................................................................................................................................. 8 Episode 26: Alibi............................................................................................................................... 8 Episode 27: Can You Live Without ? ........................................................................................... 9 Episode 28: Christmas ..................................................................................................................... 9 Episode 29: Camping ....................................................................................................................... 9 Episode 30: Love Hurts .................................................................................................................... 9

Episode 5: A Star Is Born Nick receives a phone call to say that he has got a part in a television programme that goes out every night at 6 oclock. He is very happy. Meanwhile Annie has been watching too many adverts and we see how things have gone wrong when she tries to recreate her favourite ads in her own kitchen. By now Hector is very interested in Annie (who of course is still interested in Nick) and decides that he wants to impress her by cooking her favourite chocolate dessert. Bridget is very disappointed as she feels she is the one who could be Hectors girlfriend. Hectors cooking is a success but it is interrupted at 6 oclock when he and the girls switch on the TV to see that Nick is the new novelty weatherman on the local cable station. It is a disastrous performance, but he has attracted a huge fan club of admiring girls who have chased him from the TV studio, all the way back to the flat.

Episode 9: Jobs for the Boys Nick thinks he has got a part in a Shakespeare play. When he is trying out his costume and lines, Annie and Bridget come in and discover that he is wearing Bridget's tights. Bridget is very proud of her new job at Channel 9. She is always showing off about the celebrities she meets every day. But she has some good news for Hector. The TV station is looking for a news reporter and Bridget persuades Hector to come in for an interview. Hector is not sure his English will be good enough but Bridget believes he can do it, because his English is improving all the time and good looks are even more important. But it is Nick who offers Hector some tips. When Hector does appear for an interview he discovers that Bridgets new boss is in fact the landladys cousin who is more interested in good looks than in excellent language. Hector gets the job and arrives home to discover that Nicks Shakespeare job was in fact the job of delivery boy for Hamlets Burgers, the fast food chain. Episode 10: Annies Protest Late at night Annie and her friend Ziggy drop off a large, mysterious package to Nick. Annie is organising a protest outside a cosmetics factory that uses guinea pigs for testing. She and Ziggy dress up as animals to make the point. Hector is told by Eunice to go and cover the demonstration and that she wants him to be tough on the hippy protestors. Meanwhile Nick wakes up to find that the box is full of guinea pigs. After he feeds them he forgets about them. At the demonstration Hector is instructed to find the ringleader. The ringleader is, of course, Annie. Back at the flat Bridget is keen to get ready for her next celebrity premiere. Annie and Hector return to the flat and have a furious row about Hectors disloyalty. Nick realises that the guinea pigs have escaped. They find all but one. Hector is saved when Eunice calls to say that she was very pleased with the interview, and now wants the TV station to be Animal Friendly. We discover the missing guinea pig has eaten a large patch out of Bridgets dress for the premiere. Episode 11: Holiday Time Its time for a holiday! Hector is keen to take everyone to Argentina but then they discover how much that will cost. After much discussion they decide on a long weekend in Spain. Hector should be able to help with the language. On the day of departure Bridget has packed three huge suitcases. Nick tells everyone that all you really need is money, ticket and passport. In Spain they go to a caf, which turns out to be a traditional English tea shop. Bridget is certain that the very good looking boy on the other side of the room is Enrique Iglesias. Bridget goes over to introduce herself. Meanwhile the waitress is attracted to Nick. They decide to go clubbing and Bridget is proud to show off her new Spanish boyfriend Miguel. Episode 12: Football Crazy Its the World Cup. Spain, Argentina and England are all doing very well. England is playing Argentina in the semi-finals. Hector, Annie and Bridget are watching the game on TV. Nick is out working, but he has said that he does not want to know the score as he will watch the video of the game after he returns. It is a tight match but England beats Argentina. The girls tell Hector that he must not tell Nick the score. Bridget is very distracted because her boyfriend Miguel is coming to visit. Miguel calls Hector to ask him for some expressions in English so he can demonstrate how much he likes Bridget. Annie walks in during the telephone call, and assumes that Hector is speaking to Bridget. She refuses to speak to Hector. Miguel will certainly want to watch the Cup Final; now Spain v England. Bridget decides to have her hair cut in Miguels honour, but ends up with an awful style, which she tries to keep covered. When Miguel arrives, however, his hair is exactly the same. They all watch the match and England wins on penalties. Miguel is miserable but Bridget persuades him to speak some more English to her. Annie realises that she got the wrong idea, and she forgives Hector. He then asks Annie to marry him.

Episode 6: Bridget Wins the Lottery Bridget is obsessed with the lottery and has a precise routine to bring her luck. Hector is puzzled, especially when he is told that his orange tee-shirt will bring bad luck. He is asked to collect the dry-cleaning, but unfortunately takes the lottery ticket instead of the dry-cleaning ticket. Then he meets Nick who uses the ticket to write down the number of a girl he has just met. When the lottery numbers are announced, Bridget is doing her yoga and when the numbers are shown on the screen, she is watching the TV upside down with the sound off. To her intense excitement, she realises that she is a winner. She and Annie fantasise about what she will do with the money and Bridget leaves a message at work, handing in her notice. Then she discovers the ticket has gone. To make matters worse, Hector has lost the ticket. This is also a disaster for Nick, who is desperate for the girls phone number. Hector is sent to look for the ticket. Meanwhile Annie finds the ticket and an excited Bridget phones up to claim her prize, but finds that the numbers are all wrong. Hector is able to explain that she must have read them upside down. Meanwhile, Nick is trying to phone the girl he met. However, he too is disappointed she gave him a wrong number.

Episode 7: The Twin Bridgets twin sister emails to say that she is coming to visit. They agree not to tell Annie and the boys, so that they can have some fun. Hector is sympathising with Bridget: they both seem to have difficult mothers. Nick has got another TV job, this time as a doctor in a soap opera. He is determined to practise on Hector. Bridgets twin sister arrives. She looks identical but has a very different personality. She loves doctors and is very interested in Nick. This is confusing, as Bridget certainly does not seem interested in Nick. The confusion builds and builds as the two Bridgets seem to contradict each other all the time, and no one can work out what is going on. Finally Annie sees both sisters at the same time. The three girls decide to play a trick on the boys and set up an elaborate magic show where Bridget is made to disappear and reappear. The boys are puzzled until all is revealed.

Episode 8: The Landladys Cousin Annie receives a note announcing that the old landlady is away on holiday but her cousin Eunice will be in charge during her absence. Everyone assumes that the cousin will be just as bad. The girls have bought a new self-assembly shelving unit. As usual the instructions are confusing and it is very difficult to assemble. Nick is called down to meet the landladys cousin. On his return it is obvious that she is not what he expected. It turns out that she is a glamorous man-eater and Nick is her first meal! They start dating. Meanwhile Hector is determined to get together with Annie and it seems that love is in the air as they try to assemble the shelves together. Nick is getting desperate because Eunice is too much for him and he appeals to Bridget to help. She does so by pretending to be in love with him herself. This angers the cousin and raises Nicks hopes but in the end it is only Hector and Annie who have a serious relationship.

Episode 13: A Wedding in the Air Hector and Annie are trying to agree on what sort of wedding they are going to have. Annie wants a simple ceremony at the animal sanctuary. Unfortunately for Hector, his mother is on her way over in the family jet. She wants to know whether they have booked Westminster Abbey. Hector hasnt had the courage to tell Annie that his mother is arriving and has a big problem when he realises that he must meet his mother at 5pm and Annie has insisted that he meet her at the same time. Hector cannot decide between his mother and Annie so stays in the flat waiting for the explosion! At the office Bridget is looking for interesting people to interview and remembers her editors interest in Nick, who now has a small part as a fireman in a TV series. Eventually both Annie and Hectors mother arrive back at the flat. Mrs Romero mistakes Bridget for Annie. Annie is very upset. Bridget interviews Nick as a fireman and discovers that she likes him after all. Hector confronts his mother and defends Annie. Hector tells his mother that he and Annie have decided to wait before marrying. Unfortunately nobody has yet told Nick, who is dressed for the Stag Night.

Episode 17: Cyber Stress Bridget decides that she needs a new computer for work. She asks Hector and Nick to help her choose it. Annie is totally distracted, waiting for her exam results. There is other mail: bills and a note from the landlady. The computer arrives and Bridget leaves it to the boys to set up. They ignore the instructions and end up taking it apart, then putting it back together again. It looks okay. Inspired by their apparent success with the computer, the boys are convinced that they are superior male beings and decide to battle out their superiority in the 'Man Olympics'. The Man Olympics carries on with events such as marshmallow eating and seeing who can go the longest without a visit to the bathroom. Of course, the computer doesn't work, so the boys take it apart again. Bridget phones the computer company to have it fixed properly. Annies letter arrives and she has passed. She kisses everyone, including the man who delivered the letter. The computer hero arrives and fixes the computer. Bridget and Annie decide on the final challenge in the Man Olympics for all of the boys. Are they man enough to do the housework? Episode 18: Just the Ticket Annie is sitting in front of a pile of rejection letters. Even though she passed her exams she has not been successful in getting a job so far. When Nick comes back in a rage because he has got a parking ticket, Annie opens a letter telling her that she has got the job she applied for ... a job as a traffic warden. Hector and Nick give her role-play help for the entrance test, which includes arguing with angry car owners. Hector is presenting the Miss Eurobabe contest on TV, and Bridget desperately tries to keep Nick away but he keeps appearing. Hector gets a little muddled with the girls, but the main crisis of the evening is that Miss Englandbabe hasnt arrived. Nick tries to save the contest by dressing up as Miss Englandbabe but he doesn't convince the audience. When Annie turns up in her new Traffic Warden uniform, however, she wins the Eurobabe contest. Episode 19: Kung Fu Fighting Nick has an audition in the new Ricky Chung movie. Channel 9 is making cuts, and Bridget hopes to save her job by securing an interview with the gorgeous Ricky Chung, Kung Fu star. Nick gets the job, and Bridget becomes interested in oriental things. Annie is angry that Nick has auditioned for a violent film. When she meets Richard, however, she finds another gentle person who agrees with her peaceful approach to life. Nick's part in the film is not a glamorous one and he is soon in hospital. Everyone comes to visit him and Bridget is especially concerned about her interview with Ricky. Ricky also comes to visit, and it is revealed that Richard and Ricky are the same person. Bridget is delighted, as she can now interview a Kung Fu star who is against violence! Episode 20: Every Dog has its Day Hector, Nick and Charley are watching a dog show on TV. When the boys hear that there is a large cash prize for the winner they decide to enter Charley. Annie thinks that dog shows are cruel so the boys know that they will have to train Charley in secret, without Annie knowing about it. They start the training without Charley as Annie has taken him to the vet. Bridget has a new boyfriend called Phillip and when she brings him home, Nick and Hector are in the middle of practising 'dog yoga'. Things in the flat start disappearing mysteriously; not just small things, but the kettle and the fridge and the girls start accusing each other. Nick takes Charley for a walk, but he goes to a pub and returns to the flat without Charley. When Nick goes back to find him, the dog has disappeared and there is a note in his place, saying that they are too cruel to be dog owners. They begin an intensive search. Nick calls Hector to say he has found Charley but in fact it is a dog belonging to an elderly lady, so Nick is arrested. They are all eventually reunited and after some training, the boys take Charley to the dog show. They win the show, and even Annie is pleased. Unfortunately the 2,000 prize can only be spent in the pet shop. Charley then reveals the thief ... Phillip.

Episode 14: Changes Now that he is Bridget's new boyfriend, Nick is trying to live up to her high standards ... but he is failing. His table manners, personal habits and lack of respect are not good enough. Bridget decides to give him a makeover and tries to train him to behave as she would like. Hector's mother is still in town, determined to put Hector off the idea of marrying Annie. Mrs Romero tells Hector that back home in Argentina they have a very suitable girl for him. This girl is almost aristocracy, much more suited to the Romero family name. Hector wants his mother to give Annie a chance to see the real, sweet, wonderful Annie so he organises a dinner at the flat. Annie also has to be persuaded. She eventually agrees, and Bridget takes her shopping for an outfit one that will impress Mrs Romero. It takes a while to find the perfect look, but when Mrs Romero arrives, she is wearing exactly the same outfit. The evening is almost a disaster. Hector has to stop Annie from attacking Mrs Romero. It is Charley Annie's dog who brings everyone together in the end.

Episode 15: The Bouncer Removing a splinter from Hector's finger, Annie realises that he is not the most macho of men he is even terrified of needles. He realises that he is a wimp. Nick has got a job as a bouncer at the very fashionable club, Ice. Naturally Bridget wants to be added to the guest list, so she can mingle with the stars. Nick refuses. Annie tries to persuade Hector to have a tattoo. She already has one, and Hector reluctantly agrees. Nick is enjoying his new job. Annie is impressed that Hector gets the tattoo done, but after Charley licks Hectors leg, it becomes apparent that it was a fake tattoo. It is Latino night at Ice, and it is rumoured that J.Lo will make a guest appearance. Hector is delighted that the club needs another bouncer for the night, as this is his opportunity to show he is not a wimp. Nick promises Bridget and Annie that he will get them in but it all goes wrong when a fight breaks out as some other guests try to chat up Bridget and Annie.

Episode 16: Uncle Nick Nick receives a call asking him for help. It is Victoria, a friend of his who knows the famous film director, George Ducas. In hope of fame and fortune, Nick wants Victoria to tell the director what a great actor his is, so agrees to help her. He tells the others that he has just been asked to look after something for her. It becomes apparent that the 'something' is a hungry, messy, noisy seven-year-old boy called Lucas. Victoria's au pair has eloped with the postman so she needs someone to look after him while she is in New York. After the child arrives there is chaos. Annie finds it difficult to concentrate on revision for her exams, and Lucas destroys the flat. He ruins Bridget's makeover photos, plays on her beloved exercise bike, and wraps up poor Charley in toilet paper. Hector almost falls out of the window when he tries to clean it, so they call in a window cleaner. Bridget is about to murder the little guest when she notices that the window cleaner is very attractive. She invites him in for a cup of tea. When Nick returns, Bridget is happy that the boys are fighting over her.

Episode 21: The Entertainers Annie has been taking her new hobby very seriously. She is learning hypnotism but without much success. She tries to hypnotise Charley, Nick and Hector but nothing happens. Bridget does a news story about how the rich organise their children's parties. Nick suggests that he and Hector could make a fortune as party organisers for the children of the rich and famous. Nick sets up a web page to advertise, and almost immediately they have a client. It is Victoria Ducas, Nick's old friend who married a famous film director. The real party entertainers have been booked for that day and she needs to throw a party for her daughter Daisy. The boys drive off in their 'Posh Party' van. Bridget has reluctantly agreed to help. The children are hard to please, but Hector and Nick start their magic show. Everything goes wrong as Daisy disappears completely in the magic wigwam. They try to distract everyone with a big cake. Hector and Nick start behaving very strangely. It seems that Annie's hypnotism did work but only Annie can reverse the hypnotic state. Annie saves the day and finds the lost child. For the children, it was the best party ever although Victoria Ducas does not agree.

Episode 22: Haunting at Halloween It is 31 October. Annie is practising her psychic skills, but Bridget has already been to see Rose Marie, her fortune teller. The boys want to learn about palm reading but in the end they read their horoscopes to find out what will happen that day. Nick must beware of black hair and the number three. There is a knock at the door. It is Bernard, the neighbour. He has 'lost his Marbles' (his cat). Later, Hector tells a spooky story. Nick pretends to dismiss it, but he is very frightened. He thinks that something strange is happening: a bad apple, a broken mirror, a black cat and strange noises at the door. He opens it and finds three children dressed as ghouls, then goes next door to find three grown-up ghouls. The children are trick-or-treaters and the grown ups are Hector, Annie and Bridget dressed up, ready for the Halloween party. At the party, Nick is convinced that three girls with black hair like him. Later, they return to the flat and there is a power cut, and even more strange, noises from outside the window. It is Bernard, out on the roof, looking for his cat, Marbles. The boys are scared and don't want to go to bed, so they start playing scary games. Hector and Nick return to their own beds but the storm outside continues to terrify them. Bernard eventually finds his cat on Hectors bed.

Episode 24: Pilot Nick Annie is preparing food for a Traffic Protest street party and Bridget walks in. She has been charged with organising some building work for Eunice. Annie has been given a precious piece of furniture from her grandmother. Nick arrives dressed as an airline pilot. He has a part in a play in Paris. Hector helps him learn his lines. Bridget goes into work, and orders the builders to start work in Eunices flat but the builders were supposed to be working at Channel 9. Eunice announces that she will be staying with Bridget and Annie until the work is finished. She is a very demanding guest but Bridget doesnt want to lose her job so has to accept it. The director of the play calls Nick to say that one of the actresses is ill. Nick says he knows the perfect replacement and offers Hector a free ticket to Paris. They arrive in Paris and Nick announces to Hector that he is to play the part of the air stewardess. Back in London, Eunice has given Annies grandmothers chest a new look, by painting it orange. On the return flight from Paris, the pilot and co-pilot become ill, so Nick flies the plane. Bridget receives a call to say the builders have finished in Eunices flat. The girls are delighted but when they return to their flat they find that Eunice has decided that she wants to stay. Nick and Hector arrive back. Eunice is impressed with Nick in his uniform, so the girls manage to get rid of Eunice after all as she takes Nick back to her flat. Episode 25: Art Bridget is at work re-running tapes of Marty Ross, a famous Channel 9 show host, when Marty himself walks in. He wants to know if Eunice has his tickets for an important art exhibition preview. He says that he will take anyone who gets him tickets out to dinner. Hector walks into the girls flat to find Ziggy in a cardboard box. Its part of a Farm Animal Protest and Annie asks the boys to help. Bridget gets some tickets for the exhibition preview and asks Marty to come to the flat for drinks first. Bridget then orders the others to redecorate the flat to fit into Martys arty style. She goes to bed while the others start work. The next morning the work is finished but Annie still has to prepare for the protest. Boggy and Moss, some ecowarriors from Manchester, are coming to the protest. Nick gets ready by making himself look more interesting. Hector is preparing the nibbles when Boggy and Moss arrive. They are not impressed with the arty flat, choosing to sit on the floor and refusing to speak. They completely ruin the flat, then leave for the protest. Bridget and Marty return. Bridget is horrified but Marty loves it. Annie and Ziggy bring a pig pen back to the flat. Hector and Nick sell a wall of the flat to Marty. Then the kidnapped pig arrives Episode 26: Alibi Bridget says that Annie is talking too much. Annie explains that at 10 oclock she starts a sponsored silence (for the charity Pigs with no Parents). Hector has a new outfit, but Nick is not interested as he has a toothache. Nick cannot even hear the word dentist so Hector has to say plumber instead. He takes him next door to see if the girls know a good plumber. Just before 10 oclock, Bernard calls to say he has been burgled, and someone has taken all his clothes. Annie tells him to call the police. She starts her sponsored silence. A detective arrives at the flat but Annie cannot speak, so has to act out everything she wants to say. The boys arrive back from the dentists but Nick cant speak very well. When the detective questions him, he has to act out the answers too. Do they have an alibi? The detective is suspicious of Hectors new clothes. Bridget returns from the beauticians her top lip is bright red. The detective accuses Hector of stealing the clothes. Bernards mother calls and they learn that she put his clothes in the washing machine before she went out to Bingo.

Episode 23: Truth or Dare During an evening of playing Truth or Dare with Ziggy, Bridget is dared to declare her love for Bernard the neighbour; and Nick is dared to go out shopping completely naked. Ziggy is dared to kiss Nick, but Bridget teases her about it. They decide on a group Dare ... they must all spend 24 hours telling the truth. If successful they will win a meal at a fashionable restaurant. Nick has a nightmare in which Annie appears as a Judge, which terrifies him, so he takes his truthful 24 hours very seriously. Hector and Annie think it may make their relationship stronger if they are honest about how they feel about each other. Nick attends an audition for a yoghurt commercial but finds it impossible to say 'mmmm, delicious' when eating the yoghurt. Bridget oversleeps and is late for work again, but cannot lie to Eunice about why she is late. Bridget receives a lot of calls from old boyfriends, and then realises that she has lost her mobile phone. Whoever has it has sent a very truthful message to Eunice. They have also sent a message to Bernard telling him to come to the flat. Bridget realises it is Ziggy who has been sending messages. Eunice also arrives at the flat and likes Bernard. She leaves the flat with him, saying that he could be a great new weather presenter at Channel 9.

ANNIE Oh, November 5th. But thats

ANNIE Whos Hector?

BRIDGET He was my pen pal seven years ago.

ANNIE Oh.

BRIDGET I speak English good now. I speak English good. I speak English well now and I am coming to England.

ANNIE Oh, Latin Americans!

BRIDGET I would like to sleep with you. Do you have a bed for me? Oh, he wants to stay here! [Oh]. Ah, ha, ha.

ANNIE But [erm] what about the rules?

ANNIE Ooh, a Latin American here, ooh, like Ricky Martin! Tall, handsome, rich! So [erm] when is he coming?

BRIDGET Mother! Ooh, this is from Argentina.

ANNIE Argentina. Who from? What does it say?

BRIDGET [Erm], it says Hello, do you remember me? No. Seven years ago we was pen pals. We was - we were pen pals. Oh yeah, now I remember, its Hector!

BRIDGET Oh [erm] let me see. It says November 5th.

BRIDGET Today!

Episode 28: Christmas Annie and Hector are discussing traditional Christmas customs while Bridget is going to another Christmas party. Nick returns home from work where he has been working as Father Christmas in a grotto. He is not happy. Bridget falls over his sleigh and ends up with a broken leg. Nick explains mince pies to Hector as they pull a traditional Christmas cracker. Hector buys ingredients to make mince pies as a surprise for the others. He has mistakenly understood that the pies are filled with minced meat. Annie comes home from Christmas shopping and tries one. Its horrible so she gives it to the dog. She explains the error to Hector. Nick loves his pies. Annie suggests that they go carol singing for charity. The carol singing is not a success. Annie decorates the tree with tasteful decorations and Hector arrives with some horrible decorations. Nick comes home after doing his Christmas shopping at the petrol station. They decide to have a party at the flat. Early next morning Bernard arrives for lunch while the others recover from the party. They distribute the presents. Bernard drinks a lot of sherry. Eunice arrives as Father Christmas, which impresses the boys. The turkey is ruined because they leave it in the oven too long and Hector has another surprise, a real chocolate log for dessert.

Episode 29: Camping Nick is learning some SAS techniques, as he wants to join the army. Bridget finds this very funny but Nick is sure he has the ability because he was a Scout. Hector and Eunice are reporting from the National Camping Exhibition. Annie is worried that Hector and Eunice are getting too close. Bridget, Annie and Nick imagine Nick as a Scout. Hector returns home, smelling of perfume. Annie confronts him although he protests his innocence. Hector admits to Nick that Eunice has been taking a lot of interest in him. Bridget finds her old Brownie uniform so the girls decide to remember the Brownie law and do a good turn every day. They discuss the merits of Brownies and Scouts. The girls decide to give the boys a survival test which they fail. They decide to go camping. Hector will get a tent from the exhibition. He returns home late again with the tent and persuades Nick to help him put the tent up in the flat, hoping that Annie will forgive him. Annie gets up during the night and falls over it. On the camping trip itself no one will leave the tent because they are so scared. A mystery figure appears outside the tent. It is Nicks mum they are camping in her garden and she has brought them some tea.

Episode 1

Narrative

BRIDGET [reading email message] Gigi!! Did you get my message? Please call me. Love, John. P.S: Did you get the flowers?

BRIDGET Is he stupid?! (Writes email) I told you last night, its finished. Sorry. B. (And dont call me GIGI.)

John [on phone] But please dont leave me.

BRIDGET Dont cry. Oh, goodbye. Oh and happy birthday! Aah, men!

ANNIE Come on Charley, come on. Post, Bridget. Charley and I have the post, havent we Charley.

BRIDGET Give me the post, Charley. [Dog growls] Give me the post, Charley.

ANNIE Drop it, Charley. Oh, good boy! Oh, telephone bill, gas bill, electricity bill. Oh. Ah, whats this? Mmm, a parcel for you, Bridget.

BRIDGET Oh, good. What is it? Oh, its from mother.

ANNIE Oh, Bridget darling, this arrived for you and I made you this. Love Mummy. Oh, ho-ho, oh very you, Bridget!

Episode 1

Episode 30: Love Hurts Annie and Hector are having a romantic meal for two in a restaurant. Annie seems rather stressed. She is still jealous, because she thinks that Hector has another girlfriend. Bridget is suspicious too. She has been promoted and is now an editor at Channel 9. Annie is in the flat cutting up photos of her and Hector as she is convinced that he is having an affair. Nick is practising his new acting technique, Total Being. Hector wants to talk to him about Annies concerns. Hector says he is not having an affair with anyone. At work, Annie gives a parking ticket to a cute guy called Zeus. When she tells Nick, he doesnt react because he is being pain. Hector continues to get calls from someone called Lola. The next day, Zeus has parked in the same place so Annie sees his van again. Annie gives Zeus her phone number. Nick comes in with some new glasses. Bridget surprises him by saying that they suit him. Bridget is unhappy in her new job, but Nick reassures her. Annie is convinced that Hector is going out with Lola, but then she receives a call from Zeus. Annie brings him back to the flat. Bridget is very impressed. Hector comes in saying he must talk to her. He announces that Argentinian television want him to go back to South America and present their top show. So, does he stay or does he go?

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Episode 1

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Episode 27: Can You Live Without ? The friends are watching the Marty Ross show, Can You Live Without and Nick suggests that they be contestants on the show. They must go for 24 hours without their favourite things. There is a big prize so Bridget agrees to ask Marty to put them on the show. She persuades him with the help of some interesting photographs of him. He agrees and the TV crew move in to set up the cameras in the flat. Bridget has to live without chocolate, mirrors and make-up. Annie has to live without touching Hector, sucking her thumb and without her dog Charley. Hector has to live without touching Annie and chewing gum. Nick has to live without talking about babes and motorbikes. All of them have to live without television, magazines and music. Marty takes Charley out of the flat. Annie starts crying but Hector cant hug her. Mini cameras are placed around the flat to record their challenge, including their temptations, designed to make them lose points.

Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET and ANNIE Aaaah!!! BRIDGET Oh, oh its you Nick! NICK Hi, babes! ANNIE Hello Nick. How are you? NICK Gr-eat. Nice muscles. Heres your milk. BRIDGET Our milk. You mean our milk you borrowed three weeks ago. ANNIE Oh, thanks Nick. NICK [Speaking in a mock Italian accent] I forget nothing!

NICK Wow! From Argentina! Whats she like? ANNIE She is a he! NICK Huh? ANNIE Not a girl, a boy. NICK Oh. Tough guy, ay! Why dont I show you how to do it properly! BRIDGET Nick, Ive told you before, nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear? NICK Why not? BRIDGET Why not?!! If you touch my bike again, you are out - O-U-T, out. Clear?! NICK What? Sound of door slamming Sound of knocking on door

ANNIE Would you like a drink, Nick? Would you like a drink, Nick? Telephone rings NICK Uhh. ANNIE I said, would you like a drink, Nick? NICK Oh! Sorry. No thanks. ANNIE Oh, erm, Bridgets friend is coming. NICK Oh yeah. ANNIE Aha. From Argentina. Episode 1 +HFWRUV$UULYDO

BRIDGET I said HECTOR Hello. ANNIE Hello. HECTOR I am called Argentina. I am from Hector. ANNIE You mean I am called Hector. HECTOR You are called Hector?

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ANNIE Oh, no, no, no, I am called Annie. HECTOR I am called Annie. BRIDGET No! She means I am called Hector, I am from Argentina. HECTOR You are from Argentina! BRIDGET Oh, come in! ANNIE [sending email] Hi Nadia. Bridgets pen pal arrived this morning. HECTOR Hello. ANNIE [sending email] He is, mmm, strange. NICK Hi babes!

HECTOR These are my cars. BRIDGET You play with cars?! HECTOR Yes, you play, no? I play with cars. BRIDGET He plays with cars! HECTOR I read. I love the library. BRIDGET Fascinating! ANNIE We go to the library too, dont we, Bridget. BRIDGET Yes, its great! HECTOR Good. I live here. BRIDGET You live in a museum, full of old things? HECTOR Old things. Yes, I have lots of old things. I live in a museum. OK, I live in a museum. ANNIE Well, thank you Hector and now well show you the flat. BRIDGET This is the bedroom. HECTOR Thank you. Who-hey!! Where do you sleep? BRIDGET [Erm] no you dont understand, we only have one bedroom. HECTOR One? I have twenty.

ANNIE Hello Nick! [sending email] Oh and Nick from next door is so funny! He brought our milk back from three weeks ago. NICK I forget nothing! BRIDGET [sending email] Chrissy! Nick is so stupid, he touched my bike. Men! BRIDGET Nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear? NICK Why not! BRIDGET Why not?!! BRIDGET [sending email] Also, Hector is here from Argentina. His English is not very good. HECTOR I am called Argentina. I am from Hector.

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ANNIE Twenty? BRIDGET Yes, he lives in a museum, with twenty bedrooms. ANNIE Oh! Ha-ha-ha, very funny, ha, twenty bedrooms! Laughter BRIDGET Well, you can sleep here. HECTOR Oh, thank you. ANNIE Oh, no, no, no, Hector! Its a bed. HECTOR A bed? Ah, oh BRIDGET Heres a cushion. HECTOR Oh, thank you. ANNIE Oh, this of course is the TV.

BRIDGET Mm, he must go. HECTOR Room service. NICK Hello. Who are you? HECTOR Oh, you who are quick, good. NICK Ay? HECTOR My luggage is downstairs. NICK What? HECTOR Bring it up, please. NICK What are you doing? HECTOR I pulled, you come, you are the butler. NICK The butler?! I am Nick, I live next door. HECTOR Oh, I, I am Hector. NICK Oh, Hector, from Argentina. HECTOR Yes, from Argentina! NICK Where are the girls? HECTOR The girls? NICK Yeah, Bridget and Annie. HECTOR Oh they live here.

BRIDGET But just relax, I must go to the bathroom. Psst! Annie! Bathroom!! Now!! BRIDGET Oh my goodness, what are we going to do? He plays with toy cars! ANNIE He is not a sexy Argentinian. Mm, but he is sweet. BRIDGET And he is polite. BRIDGET and ANNIE But those clothes! ANNIE Oh, he is so old-fashioned.

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NICK Yeah, I know. Wheres Bridget? Does she know you are here? HECTOR Bridget, she gave me this. NICK Oh. ANNIE Hello Nick! Oh, this is Hector from Argentina. NICK Yeah, I know. BRIDGET Isnt he wonderful! NICK Wonderful. BRIDGET Are you hungry? HECTOR Uh? BRIDGET Well buy your lunch. What would you like to eat? Fish and chips? HECTOR Oh, fish and ships!! [Laughs] ANNIE [Erm] Nick, Hector, make friends. BRIDGET Nick, teach Hector some English. NICK Yeah, OK, Ill teach Hector some English. NICK [sending email] Yo Dan! Hows it going?! The chicks in the apartment opposite have a visitor, Hector from Argentina. HECTOR Oh, you who are quick, good.

NICK [sending email] He cant speak English. Man! He thought I was the butler! HECTOR I pulled, you come. You are the butler. NICK Ha, the butler. [sending email] And even worse, I think he fancies Bridget. HECTOR She gave me this. NICK [sending email] The girls have gone out, so I will teach him to speak English! NICK Ill teach Hector some English. NICK [sending email] See what I mean? Stay cool. N. P.S. Big decision. Today I joined an acting agency. Brad Pitt is history! NICK OK, this is the oven. HECTOR This is the ov-en. NICK Annies dog sleeps in the oven. HECTOR Annies dog sleeps in the oven. NICK So you say Annie! The dog is in the oven! HECTOR Annie, the dog is in the oven! NICK Gr-eat! Now, Bridget. Oh, oh dear. Well Bridget likes strong men, especially strong legs. HECTOR Well I am strong. NICK Yeah? Can you cycle fifty kilometres?

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HECTOR Yes. NICK No way! HECTOR Yes. NICK Well go on then, show me. HECTOR Yes, look! NICK Adios, Amigo! HECTOR Ah, Bridget, Annie, lunch! Fish and chips! [Laughs] ANNIE Yes, lunch, Hector. HECTOR Look Bridget, fifty kilometres. Oh, Annie, the dog is in the ov-en. ANNIE What? Oh! NICK Hi, everything OK? Gr-eat! HECTOR Pouf! I am, how do you say? BRIDGET Dead! NICK Hot. HECTOR Hot. Yeah, I am hot, I need a .. NICK Shower. HECTOR Yeah, I need a shower.

BRIDGET Be my guest! HECTOR Oh, thank you. BRIDGET Right, thats it! He must go! NICK Why? He is so nice. BRIDGET He used my bike! NICK Oh! ANNIE Yeah, and he said that the dog was in the oven! What a horrible joke! Where is Charley? Charley! NICK What a bad, bad boy. BRIDGET He must go! ANNIE Can he stay with you, Nick? NICK Ah-ah, sorry ladies. ANNIE Oh please Nick, you have a spare room. NICK No way, not my problem. BRIDGET He must go now! ANNIE But hes in the shower. BRIDGET I dont care!

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Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you. HECTOR [Sings in shower] I like fish and ships, I Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you. HECTOR OK, one moment please! I like fish and chips! Yes, you want me. BRIDGET We think we ANNIE We, we, we have a problem. BRIDGET Its like this. NICK Go on then, tell him. HECTOR Yes, Bridget. BRIDGET Hector, the thing is NICK Stay there, Ill talk to him. Hector, can I have a word please? HECTOR Oh Sound of door being slammed BRIDGET and ANNIE Ricky Martin! NICK Hector, is this you? HECTOR Yes, and my parents.

NICK The Romero family. One of the richest families in Argentina. Who are these? HECTOR My NICK Servants. HECTOR Yeah, my servants. NICK Your cars? HECTOR Yeah, my cars. NICK Hector, you are rich! Why stay here? HECTOR I want friends, good friends. NICK People like you for your money? Thats awful! [Erm] listen, keep it a secret. Sshh. HECTOR OK! BRIDGET Perhaps he could stay here. ANNIE Yes poor boy NICK Hector, come and stay with me, I have two rooms. BRIDGET Shut up, Nick. ANNIE Hector will stay with us, wont you, Hector. BRIDGET Hector, come and sit down. Hector please, call me Gigi! ANNIE Oh, Charley, there you are.

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HECTOR Oh Annie, the dog is in the ov-en. ANNIE The oven? HECTOR Yes, Nick is a good English teacher. BRIDGET Yes, a very good English teacher! Id love to see your photos again. ANNIE Oh, me too! BRIDGET Oh, your sweet toy cars! NICK They are not toys! BRIDGET Today Hector arrives and its Bonfire Night. Lets party! What sort of music do you like? HECTOR Music? NICK Yeah, music, you know, soul, funk, dance. Watch me, like this. HECTOR Interesting. I dance like this. [Oh!]. Intercom buzzing noise ANNIE Ill get it, Ill get it. Hello. Oh, yeah, thats great, sure, come up. Its the landlady! NICK The tarantula! BRIDGET Quick, hide, Hector. NICK Im off, I owe two weeks rent!

Dog barks BRIDGET and ANNIE Aaah!! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA the flat mates go shopping for Hector. Hector goes shopping for the girls. But what happens when Hector goes shopping for himself? EXTRA dont miss it!

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Episode 2 Narrative

BRIDGET Yes, I have a cold. ANNIE Yes, we have a cold, so lets begin again. Good morning. HECTOR Good morning.

ANNIE [reading email message/replying to email] Whats he like? Oh. Argentinian tall handsome. Oh, wow, fantastic! A new boyfriend for you maybe! [Laughs/sneezes] Maybe, but dont tell Bridget! BRIDGET Hector please, call me Gigi.

BRIDGET Oh never mind. Hector, would you like some New pyjamas? HECTOR Mmm?

ANNIE Oh Hector, call me Gigi. Oh. [sending email] Must go. More news later. A. BRIDGET Is Hector still asleep? ANNIE Yep. BRIDGET Aah. Hector, wakey-wakey. Come on, rise and shine. Hector makes snoring noises ANNIE Sweet! BRIDGET Oh, good morning. [Sneezes] HECTOR Oh, good morning. [Sneezes] ANNIE Uh, no, no, no, good morning, ah-ah-ah. HECTOR Good morning, ah-ah-ah. ANNIE No Hector, I have a cold. BRIDGET And so have I. HECTOR Oh you have a cold, Bridget.

BRIDGET Hector, please excuse me for a moment. Annie, bathroom. Now! HECTOR Good morning. NICK Good morning. Is it fancy dress? HECTOR Fancy dress? Yes. NICK Oh, nice. Hey, nice car, ay. HECTOR I have this car at home. NICK Wow, you have this car at home. HECTOR Ahm. NICK Girls must love you. HECTOR Girls, no. NICK No? Hector, can I tell you something?

Episode 2

Hector Goes Shopping

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Hector Goes Shopping

HECTOR OK. NICK The car looks good. HECTOR Ah-ay. NICK Ay. So you must look good too! Ha-hmm? HECTOR I look good!

ANNIE Oh hi, Nick. NICK Hector has asked me what clothes to wear. BRIDGET Yeah, right. NICK You need a look, like on a fast bike. BRIDGET No, no, no, no, Hector, dont listen to Nick, listen to me. HECTOR OK. BRIDGET You need a designer look. ANNIE No, no, no, Hector, thats not for you. You need, you need a cowboy look. NICK No, no, a leather jacket. BRIDGET A bandanna and a vest. ANNIE A denim shirt. NICK A motor bike! BRIDGET Designer! ANNIE Cowboy! HECTOR Ah, stop!! OK, I will go shopping. BRIDGET What? ANNIE On your own? NICK But you need us!

NICK No. You dont look good. But I can help. HECTOR OK! NICK OK! BRIDGET Hectors clothes are awful! ANNIE Oh, theyre so old fashioned! BRIDGET I know, Ill take him shopping. ANNIE But Bridget youre so busy that Ill take him shopping. BRIDGET No, its all right, Ill take him shopping. ANNIE But theres no problem, Ill take him shopping. BRIDGET I said Ill take him shopping!! Sound of sneezing NICK You need, you need a oh hi, babe! BRIDGET Oh its you, Nick.

Episode 2

Hector Goes Shopping

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Hector Goes Shopping

HECTOR Ah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ANNIE How? What will you say? HECTOR Erm NICK Its OK, leave it to me. I am the shopkeeper, you are the customer. HECTOR Uh? NICK This is a shop. I sell, you buy. HECTOR Oh, OK. Oh, ding-dong. Good morning. NICK Good morning! Can I help you? HECTOR Yes. II NICK I would like HECTOR I would like a jacket, please. NICK Trousers. HECTOR Uh? NICK I would like a pair of trousers please. HECTOR Oh, I would like a pair of trou-sers please. - And a shirt. NICK No. shoes. I would like a pair of shoes, please.

HECTOR I would like a pair of shoes, please. And a cat for my head. NICK I think you mean a hat. HECTOR Eh? NICK This is a cat! HECTOR [Laughs] A cat for my head! ANNIE Hector, come shopping with me. BRIDGET Or me. ANNIE No, me. BRIDGET Hes my pen friend! NICK All right! Me, you and you will go shopping for Hector a little bit each I will go to the shoe shop. ANNIE And I will go to the clothes shop. BRIDGET No, Ill go to the clothes shop! ANNIE OK, Ill just buy the shirt. BRIDGET Ill buy the trousers! NICK Good! Hah! HECTOR Good. ANNIE Right, lets go! Oh, no, I completely forgot! We need, eggs, lemons and dog food. Oh, its all right, Ill do it on line later. Hector Goes Shopping Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

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HECTOR Eggs, lemon, dog food. ANNIE Oh well done, Hector. BRIDGET Bye Hector. Oh and dont answer the phone, it might be the tarantula. HECTOR OK. NICK Bye Hector, be good. And if you cant be good, be careful. Ha-ha. HECTOR Eh? NICK Never mind! ANNIE [sending email] Nadia I have a cold. Bridget has a cold and Hector has BRIDGET New pyjamas. ANNIE [sending email] Terrible pyjamas. Oh, you should see them Nadia. They are so funny!

NICK [sending email] But I think he needs a biker look like me! Yeah! NICK You need a look, like on a fast bike! HECTOR Good morning sir. I would like a cat for my head! Oh, room service. Hello, I would like an egg for my head, ha-ha! Lemons for my head! Intercom buzzes HECTOR Oh, dog food for my head. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Whos that? HECTOR Aah! The tarantula! Landlady [Speaking on intercom] I said, whos that? HECTOR Hello. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Wheres Bridget? HECTOR Erm, where is Bridget? Me, I am Bridget. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] I dont believe you. HECTOR Yes, I have a cold! [Sneezes] Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Oh, Im sorry. HECTOR [Sneezes] Oh, thank you. [Sneezes] Dog barks HECTOR Ssh! Charlie! Hector Goes Shopping Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

BRIDGET [sending email] Hi, sweetie. I wanted to buy Hector some new clothes on my own. Ill take him shopping. But Annie and Nick said they wanted to shop for Hector as well. So guess what? Were all going shopping for Hector. NICK Me, you and you can go shopping for Hector, a little bit each. BRIDGET [sending email] What will he look like? NICK [sending email] And Annie thinks Hector needs a cowboy look. ANNIE He needs a cowboy look!

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Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Is that a dog? HECTOR No, no, it is not a dog, Annie has a cold also! Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Oh, poor Annie.

BRIDGET No, its all right. Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET Hector ANNIE Hector BRIDGET Ive got something for you. HECTOR Oh, OK. Come in. BRIDGET Spoil sport! NICK Hector! Hector! HECTOR Hello. NICK Here are your clothes, you will look so cool. HECTOR Cool? NICK Co-ol. HECTOR Cool! NICK Nice melons! BRIDGET Melons? Who are those from? ANNIE Ah, I think Hector has been shopping online. Oh, Im really thirsty, I need a drink. BRIDGET But we dont need any melons!

HECTOR Thank you. [Sneezes] Now goodbye! [Sneezes] Oh, oh ole! I am Hector, I speak Englis Eggs, lemons, dog food. Eggs, lemons, dog food. HECTOR Oh hi, [erm] good, good afternoon Annie. ANNIE Good afternoon Hector. I bought this for you. HECTOR Oh, what is it? ANNIE Try it on. HECTOR Eh? ANNIE TRY IT ON! HECTOR TRY IT ON? Oh, try it on! Oh, ah. BRIDGET Wheres Hector? ANNIE In the bathroom. BRIDGET Good. Ill give this to him. ANNIE Its OK, Ill give it to him!

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Hector Goes Shopping

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Hector Goes Shopping

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ANNIE Well he did try! And he bought some eggs. Yeah, just a few. NICK [sending email] Yo Dan! Hector did the shopping today. Nice melons. He bought one hundred and forty four eggs. ANNIE Just a few.

BRIDGET A dozen is twelve, stupid! NICK I know! ANNIE Well Hector has put the number twelve here. NICK Well thats OK, thats one box. ANNIE No, he ordered twelve boxes. BRIDGET One hundred and forty four. ANNIE Now, dog food. NICK Ha, ha, I cant wait! HECTOR OK, Im ready! NICK Were ready! BRIDGET Enter! HECTOR Do you like it? Well? ANNIE Ah [erm] I like the shirt. BRIDGET I like the sarong. NICK I like the shoes. HECTOR So, am I co-ol? NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE [Erm]. HECTOR No. Im not cool.

NICK And ten melons instead of ten lemons. What an idiot. Ha! HECTOR I would like some eggs please. I would like some lemons please. And oh, dog food for my head! Ha, ha, ha, thank you! ANNIE [sending email] I went shopping for Hector today and bought him something really cool! I cannot wait for him to try it on. ANNIE TRY IT ON. BRIDGET [sending email] I went to the clothes shop and bought Hector a really trendy outfit! He will look just like David Beckham! BRIDGET Ive got something for you! ANNIE So how did Hector do the shopping? Ah-ha! Hector ordered ten melons instead of ten lemons. Oh, an easy mistake, he did try. BRIDGET Yes, he did try. NICK And what about the eggs? ANNIE OK, eggs. You buy a dozen eggs, yeah. NICK Yep, a dozen is ten.

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Hector Goes Shopping

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NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE [Erm] no. HECTOR So, I will go shopping. NICK Here we go again. Hector! You cant go out there on your own. You went shopping on the Internet. HECTOR Yes.

ANNIE Can I help you sir? HECTOR Eh? BRIDGET What would you like to buy? HECTOR Oh, I would like some ANNIE Clothes! HECTOR Yes, I would like some clothes, please. BRIDGET What size? HECTOR Eh? BRIDGET What size. HECTOR I dont know. BRIDGET Ill have to measure you then. Arms up please. HECTOR Eh? ANNIE Arms up, please. HECTOR Oh, arms up, please. BRIDGET Chest. Ooh! One hundred and twelve centimetres! ANNIE Chest, one hundred and twelve centimetres. BRIDGET And waist. Eighty two centimetres. ANNIE Waist, eighty two centimetres.

NICK Ha-ha! You ordered melons instead of lemons and too many eggs. Have you ever been to a supermarket? HECTOR No. My NICK Who are these? HECTOR My NICK Servants. HECTOR Yeah, my servants.. NICK Servants. Now I understand. BRIDGET Come on Hector, I will teach you how to shop, Hector ANNIE Till you drop. Bridget and I will be the shopkeepers. BRIDGET And you are our customer! HECTOR OK. [Clears throat] Good afternoon. BRIDGET Good afternoon!

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Hector Goes Shopping

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BRIDGET And l-e-g!! [laughs] NICK Ill do that! BRIDGET No, its OK! NICK [Clears throat] Eight-ty seven centimetres! BRIDGET Now, do you like these trousers? ANNIE Do you like this shirt? HECTOR Ye-es.

BRIDGET Wheres my lemon drink, Nick? ANNIE Nick, are there any more tissues? NICK All right, Im coming as fast as I can! OK. ANNIE Oh, I feel awful. BRIDGET Oh, me too. Nothing will make me feel better. Sound of knocking on door ANNIE Oh, can you get that please Nick? NICK Oh, its only Hector. HECTOR Well, is it cool? NICK Wow, man! Well done! You look great! HECTOR I would like a shirt, please. BRIDGET Excellent! Oh the clothes are super! HECTOR And a pair of trou-sers. ANNIE Oh, you are clever, Hector! HECTOR And a pair of shoes, please! [Laughs] I have been shopping! Sound of intercom BRIDGET Oh, Ill get it. Hello.

BRIDGET Good, thats [erm] Five thousand pounds. HECTOR OK. ANNIE No, no, no Hector. Five thousand pounds is, is eight thousand dollars! HECTOR Yeah. BRIDGET Its too much, its too expensive. NICK Not for Hector! HECTOR So, I am ready to go shopping! Ha ha! ANNIE Good luck. BRIDGET Yeah, good luck. NICK Youll need it! BRIDGET & ANNIE [Sneezing] Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

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Hector Goes Shopping

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Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Its me. BRIDGET Oh, hello. Its the tarantula! How are you? Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Fine, thank you. BRIDGET Oh, good, good. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Hows your cold? BRIDGET Hows my cold? Well how did you know I have a cold? Landlady [Speaking on intercom] You told me this morning. HECTOR Me, I am Bridget. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] I dont believe you. HECTOR Yes, I have a cold. [Sneezes] Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Oh, Im sorry. HECTOR Thank you. [Sneezes] BRIDGET Yes, silly me! I told you this morning. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Why are four hundred tins of dog food here for Annie? BRIDGET Pardon? I dont know. Well, how strange! Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Four hundred tins.

BRIDGET Yes, thats a lot of tins. Well I really dont know. Landlady [Speaking on intercom] Can you ask Annie? BRIDGET Yes, Ill ask Annie, goodbye. The tarantula said, why have four hundred tins of dog food downstairs? ANNIE Four hundred tins? NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE Hector!!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Annie goes dating on the Internet and so do Nick and Hector, but do they like their dates? Extra dont miss it!

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Hector Goes Shopping

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Episode 3 Narrative ANNIE [sending email] Dear dream date. My name is Annie! Im 19 and I love animals, and, and and I love chocolate: chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, boxes of chocolate, chocolate mousse BRIDGET What are you doing, Annie? ANNIE Nothing! BRIDGET Whats this? Dream date, make my dream come true ANNIE Oh, how did that get there? BRIDGET How sweet! Sound of fitness video playing in background BRIDGET Hector! Hector. HECTOR Oh hi, Bridget. BRIDGET And up!! Oh well, keep going, Hector. ANNIE Aah I see Hector found Cindys one hundred and one top exercises then. BRIDGET Yes! ANNIE Oh, good try Hector. BRIDGET Cindy is so old fashioned, I can teach Hector how to exercise! Exercise with Cindy, no, exercise with Bridget, yes HECTOR But !

BRIDGET Its OK, I can do it! Music please, Annie. Follow me. Arms up, touch your toes, stand straight and one-two-three four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight OK, faster still! Left leg up! Left leg up! HECTOR and ANNIE Left leg up! ANNIE Oh, my leg hurts! BRIDGET Come on, keep it up! Come on, come on, faster ANNIE Oh, hi Nick, were exercising. NICK I can see. BRIDGET Oh, phew, OK. Lets get a drink! ANNIE Oh, I must check my emails. BRIDGET Would you like some water, Hector? HECTOR Oh no, no, after you. BRIDGET No, you first. HECTOR Oh, no, no, no, ladies first. BRIDGET No, no, you first. HECTOR No, you first. HECTOR and BRIDGET No,

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

NICK OH, give it to me! ANNIE Oh, goody! Three messages. Oh dear. NICK Whats wrong? BRIDGET Annies been on the Internet again! HECTOR The Internet? BRIDGET To find a boyfriend! NICK Oh, lets see! ANNIE Oh no, dont look. NICK Oh come on Annie! ANNIE Oh, all right then.

Dog barks ANNIE Its OK, Charlie. HECTOR Annie, what is a taxidermist? ANNIE Erm, well its, its a, ah, oh never mind. NICK Third time lucky. ANNIE Hope so. NICK Hmm. Annie, can you cook like my mother? Do you like trains? Can you meet me today? Giles Smith aged twenty four. P.S. Mummy says I must be home before 5 p.m. Oh dear! ANNIE Oh, Ill never get a boyfriend! Bridget always has a boyfriend. NICK Has she? HECTOR Ah-yum-ah-ah NICK Annie, look, its not what you write, its, its how you write it. [Uh?]. I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem. ANNIE Well yes Nick you could! BRIDGET I bet you could not! NICK I could! BRIDGET OK, what would you write? NICK Im six foot tall.

NICK Annie baby! Rocky the tennis star here! I am the racquet Will you be my ball? Ugh! ANNIE OK, number two. NICK Mmm. Erm Dear Annie! I love animals too. Mmm. They are so beautiful in their glass boxes. Come and see them. Tony Green (Taxidermist). ANNIE A taxidermist! Oh, how horrible! NICK Oh Charlie, here boy! [Whistles] Episode 3 Hector Has a Date

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

BRIDGET Five foot eleven. NICK I have blonde hair. BRIDGET Mousey brown. NICK I love animals. BRIDGET Ha! NICK And fast cars, and beautiful women. ANNIE I would write to you! NICK Would you? ANNIE Oh, come on Annie! Lets go to the gym. ANNIE Oh Bridget no, not more exercise! BRIDGET See you later boys. Oh and erm, Hector, would you do my washing for me? HECTOR Washing? OK. No problem. ANNIE Oh and Nick [uh] will you spray my plant for me please? The spray is in the bathroom. NICK No problem. HECTOR Nick [ah-ah]. What is a taxidermist? NICK Oh well, well its, never mind. BRIDGET Chrissy! [sending email] Today Hector found Cindys exercise video, but I decided to help him with his exercises instead!

BRIDGET Two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please! He really enjoyed it! ANNIE My leg hurts! BRIDGET Come on, keep up! ANNIE Nadia. [sending email] I looked for a boyfriend on the Internet today and had three strange replies. One from a tennis player, too arrogant. NICK Ugh! ANNIE [sending email] One from a taxidermist, too horrible! NICK Oh Charlie! Here boy! [Whistles/dog barks] ANNIE [sending email] And one from a train spotter, too weird! NICK Oh dear! ANNIE Oh, Ill never get a boyfriend. But Bridget always has a boyfriend. NICK [sending email] Dan! Its so easy to find a girlfriend on the Internet. I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem. NICK Finding new girlfriends on the Internet is so easy. OK, Hector! Question one. How do guys get girlfriends? HECTOR Girlfriends? NICK Yeah! [Laugh/wolf whistle] Girlfriends. HECTOR Oh, oh no girlfriends, me. Never.

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

HECTOR Cold, hot, very hot. Erm, Nick. NICK Uh-huh? HECTOR Bridgets cold or hot? NICK Hah, very hot! HECTOR Ah. Perfect!

NICK What? Never? No girl no girlfriends? Wow! Man! HECTOR You, Nick, you have had girlfriends? NICK Yeah, loads! HECTOR Ten? NICK Ten?!! Hah! Hundreds! HECTOR Wow! NICK So I know what girls like. They like fast cars, they like money, they like dancing. HECTOR Oh, I love dancing! Like this!

NICK Perfect, ha! Hector, well get lots of girlfriends now! [Aha!] From now on itll be girls, girls, girls, girls! HECTOR Ha-ha! [Yo!] Hey! [Whoo!] NICK Oh you really must change your after shave! [Sneezes] Oh, excuse me, come on, lets go out and celebrate. BRIDGET and ANNIE [Sniffing] BRIDGET Whats that smell? ANNIE It smells like a perfumery. Oh, my plant! BRIDGET Oh, empty! ANNIE Oh, my poor plant! I dont believe it! BRIDGET My perfume, I dont believe it! BRIDGET and ANNIE Nick! BRIDGET Oh good, the washings done. [Snarls]

NICK No, dancing like this! Hey? Yeah, Hector, leave it to me. Leave it to me, my friend, I have a plan! [Laughs] Oh, Hector, Annies plant. Her garden spray is in the bathroom. HECTOR Oh. NICK Ho-ho! HECTOR Garden gar-den Spray, garden spray. Garden Romance, garden good! [Spraying noise] NICK Hmm! Perfect! HECTOR Perfect!

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

ANNIE Whats the problem? BRIDGET This is the problem! BRIDGET and ANNIE Hector! ANNIE Wow! BRIDGET What is it now? ANNIE We have six hundred and thirty three messages! BRIDGET Lets see.

BRIDGET But they dont know they received six hundred and thirty three messages, do they! ANNIE No, they dont - now. BRIDGET Lets go to the cyber caf. I have a plan. Laughter NICK The poor computer. How many messages? One hundred! HECTOR Two hundred! Laughter NICK Oh. HECTOR How many? NICK Erm, one. HECTOR Good. One hundred! NICK Erm, no, no, no, just one message. HECTOR Uh? NICK [Erm] Hector and Nick, we are dancers in a West End musical! HECTOR Dancers, you mean dancers?!

ANNIE [reading email message] OK, one moment. Hector, Nick. Yes we are gorgeous, yes we like dancing and yes we like millionaires. Fifi and Sarah. Chloe, Sadie, Louise, Gerri - I mean these messages are all for Hector and Nick and theyre all from girls! BRIDGET I smell a rat! ANNIE Hmm! And I think I know who is responsible! Oh, Bridget! Look at this! [reading email message] Are you a gorgeous babe? Do you have a gorgeous friend? Do you like fast cars and dancing all night? Do you like millionaires? Then you will love us. We are Hector and Nick, the Romero brothers. BRIDGET What? ANNIE [reading email message] See attached photo. BRIDGET Ha, cheats, they glued their photo on this car! ANNIE Ha, what a joke! What, thats how they received six hundred and thirty three messages from girls.

NICK Yes, sort of. When we finish the show, shall we meet at your apartment, at 10 p.m. Is that OK? Cuddles and Bubbles, Kiss, kiss, kiss. P.S. what is your address? Wow!! They sound gorgeous! HECTOR Uh? Episode 3 Hector Has a Date

Episode 3

Hector Has a Date

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HECTOR So, Nick, what should I say? NICK Its easy, relax. HECTOR Yeah, but you have had a hundred girlfriends. NICK Yeah, well, when I said a hundred, its actually fewer. HECTOR Fifty? NICK No. HECTOR Forty? NICK No. HECTOR Thirty? NICK No. HECTOR Twenty? NICK [Gulps] No. HECTOR Ten? NICK No. HECTOR Five? NICK No. HECTOR Four? NICK No. HECTOR Three?

NICK Ah, ah-hah! Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight when they finish the show at 10 o'clock! Look, 7 o'clock, 8, 9, 10 o'clock! Wait a minute! Its 7 o'clock! Thats just three hours! What am I going to wear? What are you going to wear? HECTOR But Nick, what about Bridget and Annie? NICK Aha! Its not a problem! HECTOR [Laughs] Ah-ha-ha! Yes! ANNIE [sending email] Nadia, its terrible news. Hector killed my plant with perfume! ANNIE Oh, my plant! My poor plant! BRIDGET [Snarls] ANNIE Whats the problem? ANNIE [sending email] And he did the washing! A very hot wash. BRIDGET This is the problem! ANNIE Mm, Bridget was not pleased. BRIDGET and ANNIE Hector! NICK Hey Dan! Guess what! Hector and I have a date tonight with two dancers! Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight. Wish us luck.

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NICK No. HECTOR Two? NICK No. HECTOR One? NICK HECTOR None?!! NICK [Makes squeaking noise] Sound of intercom buzzing NICK and HECTOR Aaaah!

HECTOR Oh, oh, oh, OK, OK. Your ey-es are blue, like the ocean. NICK Good! You smell of sweet HECTOR You smell of sweat NICK No! No [sniffing noise] sweet, not sweat! HECTOR Oh, OK, OK. NICK OK, your hair is so soft. HECTOR Thank you, Nick. NICK No, No, her hair, her hair! HECTOR Oh, her hair! Sound of knocking on door NICK and HECTOR Oh, oh! NICK Ready? HECTOR Ready. NICK and HECTOR Good luck! NICK Oh, Cuddles and Bubbles. HECTOR But we thought you were dancers. Oh, you are dancers.

NICK OK. Its OK. Hi. [speaking on intercom] Hi! Voice on Intercom Hello, its us. NICK Come on up. NICK and HECTOR Ooh/oh/ah!! HECTOR So Nick, what do I say? NICK OK, we need a script. Try this. Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. HECTOR Your ears are blue, like the ocean. NICK No!! Eyes, ears, ears, ears, eyes.

NICK Dancing dogs! In Woof, The Musical. Ha, ha, hello, come in. Come in. Hello.

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Barking noise HECTOR Oh please, sit down. Sit! NICK Stick to the script. You smell so sweet. HECTOR Your ears are blue, like the ocean. NICK Eyes, eyes! [BRIDGET] Are you a million-aire? HECTOR Psst, psst! Am I a millionaire? NICK [Laughs] Are you a millionaire? Are you a millionaire? [Laughs] Ha! We are millionaires! BRIDGET and ANNIE Good good. BRIDGET Well you can pay for these then!! ANNIE If you please!! Girls laugh BRIDGET Your faces! We are the dancers ANNIE From the cyber caf! BRIDGET So you are millionaires, ay? ANNIE Oh what a trick to get girlfriends! Millionaires, very funny! BRIDGET With fast cars!

NICK [Laughs] Good trick, ay! HECTOR But that is my car! Ow!!! BRIDGET Oh, you smell so sweet! ANNIE And you do have beautiful eyes! Or is it ears? Sound of intercom buzzing ANNIE Its the landlady! NICK Im off! BRIDGET Quick, hide Hector! Erm, in the bedroom! HECTOR Oh Bridget. BRIDGET Yes. HECTOR Tell me. What is a taxidermist? BRIDGET Oh! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Hector wants to get a job. Bridget and Annie have a surprise. And guess whos coming to dinner. EXTRA dont miss it!

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Episode 4 Narrative

NICK Hectors eggs, Bridget. Is he cr-azy?! BRIDGET Hector. The eggs are, erm, ruined. Perhaps some cornflakes instead? HECTOR Thank you, Bridget. NICK [Mimicking Bridget] Huh, perhaps some cornflakes instead?! BRIDGET What are you doing on our computer anyway? NICK Nothing! Lets just say girls, one day you will say Brad Pitt urgh!! Pah!! Johnny Depp urgh!! Pah!! Nick from next door vroom-vroom-vroom!! The coolest stunt man in the world! ANNIE Oh, you a stunt man!! NICK Yep. I got the job on the Internet. Well, nearly. Im waiting for confirmation. ANNIE Oh, how exciting! BRIDGET The coolest stunt man n the world - on a moped, right? NICK On a Harley-Davidson, actually. ANNIE Films! Those stars! That money! Oh! Oh! Have you seen Carinas dress in the magazine? Id love to have a dress like that. BRIDGET Mmm, me too. It would really suit me. ANNIE How much is it?

NICK [composing email] Job stuntman. Age 20. 20? No. 30, more mature. Age, 30. [Sound of alarm] Ow-ow!! BRIDGET Wheres the fire ANNIE Its the smoke detector! BRIDGET I know that! Wheres the broom?! Thumping noise BRIDGET Oh good, its stopped. ANNIE I think this was the problem. Anyone for very hard boiled eggs? BRIDGET Nick. NICK Eh? BRIDGET Are they your eggs? NICK Eh? BRIDGET I thought so! What on earth are you doing? Are you crazy?! HECTOR [Humming] Oh, are my eggs ready? BRIDGET Oh, your eggs, Hector.

Episode 4

Hector Looks For a Job

Episode 4

Hector Looks For a Job

BRIDGET Oh, lets see. Erm BRIDGET and ANNIE How much? ANNIE Oh, Im a student, its too expensive for me! BRIDGET Ive got a job and its too expensive for me! We need more money. HECTOR Money? Bridget, Annie, I have something to tell you.

NICK Gr-eat!! BRIDGET Yeah, we can look for a job on the Internet, cant we. ANNIE OK, here we are, job vacancies. BRIDGET Well, lets see. ANNIE Oh well, theres a job in a launderette. ANNIE and BRIDGET Hector! No!. ANNIE And theres a job as a gardener. ANNIE My plant! ANNIE and BRIDGET No! And heres a job as a cook. ANNIE and BRIDGET No.

NICK Hector, dont! Its a secret! The Romero family, one of the richest families in Argentina. Keep it a secret. Sssh. HECTOR Uh? NICK Sssh! BRIDGET Whats a secret? HECTOR You have been very kind. BRIDGET Yes, Hector. NICK Ha-ha, ha-ha! Im sure Bridget and Annie have a little money! Ha-ha! BRIDGET Sssh! Nick!! HECTOR So I want to, I want to give you some money. BRIDGET and ANNIE Yes! HECTOR So, I am going to look for a job. ANNIE Oh thats a great idea, Hector.

ANNIE Wait a minute! Look at this. A waiter! ANNIE What a great idea! BRIDGET Yes! Ooh, I love good looking waiters! NICK Did you say good looking? Here I am. ANNIE What about Hector as a waiter? HECTOR A waiter? NICK Yeah, you know [whistles] HECTOR Oh, but I dont know how. Hector Looks For a Job Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job

Episode 4

NICK Oh, dont worry. I will teach you! Telephone rings

ANNIE [whispers] An octopus! NICK An octopus?! HECTOR Oh, the octo-pus! NICK Is he meeting her alone? ANNIE Yes. No, no! Bridget needs help! HECTOR We must stop her! NICK I have an idea. Why dont you eat here? BRIDGET No! ANNIE Yes, then we can both talk to your boss about your new job! BRIDGET Where, here? No, no way. NICK I could cook for you! BRIDGET Huh! Definitely not, no! HECTOR And I could be your waiter! BRIDGET Mmm. HECTOR I want to be your waiter. BRIDGET Yeah, OK then, but be serious! NICK But dont worry, we will help you get your promotion. Leave it to us!

BRIDGET Hello! Howard! How are you?!! [Laughs] Oh, thank you Howard! Me? Dinner tonight! Seven o'clock at the Singing Parrot Caf, OK Howard! Bye Howard! That was Howard. ANNIE, NICK and HECTOR No! BRIDGET Hes invited me to dinner tonight, because he wants to talk to me about a NEW JOB! HECTOR Who is Howard? ANNIE Bridgets boss. BRIDGET Ah, he is so rich, hes so clever and he wants to see me!! He might offer me a promotion! What shall I wear? I have nothing to wear! No, wrong! NICK Huh! BRIDGET So last season. NICK Bet Howard cant ride a motorbike. BRIDGET Nope! ANNIE He does give Bridget promotion, although I have heard Howard has a nickname! BRIDGET What was I thinking?! NICK What?

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Hector Looks For a Job

Episode 4

Hector Looks For a Job

ANNIE [composing email] Nadia. Hector wants a job. HECTOR I am going to look for a job.

HECTOR OK. NICK OK. I am a customer! HECTOR Where would you like to sit? NICK Hmm. Here. [Clears throat] HECTOR Oh, I The bill. NICK Not yet! The menu first! HECTOR Oh, sorry, erm [clears throat] The menu. NICK Forget the menu. What have you got today? HECTOR To eat? NICK To eat. HECTOR Today, as dish of the day, I have a delicious hot cat. NICK A hot cat?! Thats a hot dog. HECTOR Ah! Hot cat, hot dog! [Laughs] Cat, hot [Laughs] NICK Oh no! ANNIE Oh, hows it going?

ANNIE But its difficult. What can he do? He cant work in a launderette and he cant work as a gardener. ANNIE My plant! BRIDGET Hmm. [Composing email] He cant work as a cook, but then we saw the job for Hector, a waiter. HECTOR A waiter? NICK Yeah you know. [Whistles] [Composing email] And Bridgets boss, Howard wants to take her out to dinner tonight. I wonder why? NICK OK, Hector, you are the waiter, so you must set the table. HECTOR Yes, I have set the table, but there is one problem. NICK A problem? HECTOR The table is too small. NICK The table is too small? HECTOR Yes, look. NICK Hector, this is set for twelve courses! HECTOR Dinner at home is always like this. NICK Oh yes! You are a million [whispers] You are a millionaire. This is just a little dinner for Bridgets boss OK? Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job

Episode 4

Hector Looks For a Job

HECTOR Great! Nick is a good teacher. ANNIE Lets see. NICK Ah-ah, Hectors caf is now closed. HECTOR and ANNIE Oh!! Sound of knocking on door ANNIE Ill get it. DELIVERY MAN Delivery, Miss Evans and Miss Taylor. ANNIE Oh, Thank you! Bridget, look! BRIDGET Oh! [Reading card] For lovely Annie from H. ANNIE For beautiful Bridget from H. Whos H? BRIDGET Oh, it must be Howard! Oh, what is it! ANNIE Oh, Bridget! Look, its Carinas dress! But how did he guess?! BRIDGET Oh, hes a clever man! Anyway, its not Carinas dress now, its Bridgets dress! Oh, thank you Howard!

BRIDGET Me, dinner, tonight! He wants to talk to me about a new job. Im so excited. BRIDGET Hes so clever and he wants to see me! He even sent me a dress! BRIDGET Thank you Howard! Ah! NICK [composing email] His nickname is The Octopus. HECTOR The octopus! NICK Ugh! Anyway - Hector and I will prepare and serve a good dinner this evening. NICK We will help you get your promotion. Sound of eggs being beaten BRIDGET [Clears throat] NICK Wow! BRIDGET OK, Nick?! NICK Yeah. Hot. The soup, hot. HECTOR Ah-ah-ah-ah. The soup is hot. NICK Thank you Hector. Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET Hes here. Good evening Howard. HOWARD Ah Bridget, my princess!

ANNIE Oh Bridget, isnt your boss kind! But, why did he buy me one? BRIDGET Oh, Ive told him all about you! BRIDGET [composing email] Chrissy, Howard, my boss is coming to dinner!

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Hector Looks For a Job

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Hector Looks For a Job

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BRIDGET Please come in. HOWARD Bridget, you look divine. Oh, this must be An-nie. Are you sisters? Such beauty! Laughter HOWARD The dresses are exquisite! ANNIE Oh BRIDGET and ANNIE Thank you. BRIDGET Thank you. HOWARD Dont thank me, its a privilege! ANNIE Oh and this of course is Nick. NICK Hi. BRIDGET And this is Hector. Hes from Argentina. HECTOR Hello. HOWARD Argentina. Do you have a cow? HECTOR Two million! HOWARD What? HECTOR My parents own two million cows. BRIDGET Ah yes, thank you Hector. Hectors English is a little

HOWARD Weird! Never mind, Ector. HOWARD So Bridget [ooh] what a beautiful apartment, for a beautiful lady. Banging noise HECTOR Dinner is served! NICK Hector, go on! HECTOR Today, we have sick pea soup. HOWARD Mmm, sick pea soup, my favourite! BRIDGET Chick pea, chick pea! HECTOR [Erm] Chick pea soup. HOWARD [Laughing] This guy is great! Where did you find him?! Sick pea soup! [Laughs] Mind you, it does look like ugh! [Laughs] Sorry Nick! HECTOR Main course. Teeth casserole. HOWARD Teeth casserole? BRIDGET Beef, beef. HECTOR Oh sorry, beef casserole! HOWARD I bet the beef is as hard as teeth! [Laughs] A dinner with bite! Oh! Sorry, Nick! So Bridget, you would like a better job? BRIDGET Well Howard, I, I

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HOWARD Are you willing to work harder, hah? HOWARD You stupid idiot! HECTOR Sorry, erm ! HOWARD And Bridget, with your good looks NICK What a creep!

ANNIE And well send you back the dresses! HOWARD What dresses? BRIDGET Oh, these dresses, the ones you bought Annie and me! HOWARD I did not buy those dresses. I would not spend money on you! Hah! BRIDGET Goodbye Howard! HOWARD Youve lost your job! BRIDGET Well too late, I quit!! Sound of door slamming/applause

HOWARD Ay! Its cold! Ector! I want hot coffee! HECTOR He wants hot coffee. NICK Then he will have hot coffee! HOWARD So by the age of twenty [snoring noise] I had fifty people working for me. BRIDGET Fascinating! HOWARD My father said [snoring noise] if you want more money, you must work hard!

NICK Howard said he did not buy the dresses. So who did? BRIDGET If H isnt for Howard? ANNIE Then H is for Hector! BRIDGET You, but why did you buy the dresses? HECTOR To say thank you. BRIDGET But theyre so expensive. Where did you get the money? NICK [Clears throat] HECTOR I found it. ANNIE Well, these expensive dresses must go back to the shop. ANNIE Yes they must! But not until tomorrow. Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job

HOWARD Ay! You have poisoned me! You fool, you stupid boy! ANNIE Stupid! BRIDGET Dont you dare talk to my friend Hector like that! HOWARD Oh, what is he? Is he your boyfriend or something?! BRIDGET He is A kind and clever and lovely man, which is something that you will never, ever be! So you can keep your job, you creep!

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14

EXTRA dont miss it! ANNIE Thats right, lets go clubbing! Come on, Nick! Hector! BRIDGET See you later, boys! NICK Hector, you are a true, true friend. Money is not everything. So, what did you buy me? HECTOR What do you think? NICK I love you, I love you! HECTOR Hmm! One moment. NICK You didnt buy me a bike, you didnt buy me a bike, you didnt buy me a bike. You didnt buy me a bike. HECTOR OK! NICK Thanks, Hector. Its really, really HECTOR Its OK Nick. NICK Hop on, Ill give you a lift. HECTOR Hey NICK Hey, so do you still want to be a waiter? HECTOR No, I want to be like you, Nick, a stunt man! NICK and HECTOR Aaah!! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA! Nick gets a job on TV. Annie loves watching TV. And why does Hector want to learn to cook? Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job

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HECTOR Oh, sorry. Hands in the air. BRIDGET Hello Nick. Episode 5 Narrative VOICES ON TELEVISION I can't live without you. I love you. I love you too, but it's for the best. It's finished. Oh, but darling, no. I'll die without you. ANNIE [Blows nose] No, she can't! BRIDGET No, she cant! Hes too good looking! ANNIE And her husbands so awful! VOICE ON TELEVISION I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than... Sound of telephone BRIDGET Its your turn. ANNIE Hello? A message for who? Rock Thrust? I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. That's OK. Bye. BRIDGET Well, who was that? ANNIE Someone wanted Rock Thrust. BRIDGET Rock Thrust? What a stupid name. ANNIE I know. Who would have a silly name like that? NICK Go, go, go, go, go! It's a raid! HECTOR Don't move. Legs in the air. NICK Hands. Not legs, hands in the air. NICK How did you know it was us? ANNIE Oh, lucky guess. BRIDGET Great. It's like Piccadilly Circus here on a Friday night. This apartment is very busy. Crazy phone calls, crazy names and now the FBI! NICK So Bridget, darling, any messages for me? BRIDGET What do you mean, messages? Who do you think I am? Your secretary? This is not your apartment. You do not live here. I never have any privacy. NICK But they cut off my telephone. BRIDGET That's not my problem. You should pay your bills. HECTOR Sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET And Hector, you live with Nick now. Please knock on the door. Now I want to be alone! Sound of door slamming NICK Well, that went well. What's wrong with her? ANNIE Nick, what day is it? NICK Wednesday. ANNIE And what time is it? HECTOR I know. Half past six. ANNIE Hello Hector.

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ANNIE So... NICK and HECTOR So... ANNIE So what's on television? NICK Oh, Love's True Dream. HECTOR Love's True Dream. What is that? NICK "Oh, Alberto, Alberto! I love you, I love you", "And I love you too, Penelope". Bridget's favourite programme. ANNIE Yeah, and mine. HECTOR Oh, really, Annie? Why? ANNIE Because it's about the simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England. HECTOR Huh? ANNIE The simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England. HECTOR Nice. ANNIE Oh, Hector! I love this advert. HECTOR What is it? ANNIE It's for chocolate mousse - shhh! "Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lov-ers". Hmmm, I love chocolate mousse. Hey! This advert's good too. "Oooh, popcorn in the microwave, popcorn in just seconds, popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!" HECTOR And do you like popcorn, Annie? ANNIE Oh yeah, especially pop-tastic popcorn. HECTOR Well, we don't have pop-tastic popcorn in Argentina, but we make great popcorn.

ANNIE Yeah? HECTOR Yes, I'll make it in the frying pan. NICK Oh yes! Yes, great! I've got the part, I've got the part! HECTOR Wow, man! That is great! ANNIE What is it? NICK Let's just say that my face will be on your television every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience. HECTOR O-ho! "Ladies and gentleman, a star is born!". ANNIE Oh, Nick, that's fantastic! HECTOR Ha-ha! This is it, Nick. Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood. Sound of cameras clicking NICK I'd just like to thank my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dog, ...... and of course my adorable girlfriend, Bridget. BRIDGET Huh! I don't think so. Anyway, what's going on? ANNIE Oh, it's wonderful news, Bridget. HECTOR Nick is going to be on television. BRIDGET Well, tell us, Nick, what is it? NICK Well, it's on every night. It'll be hot. Sometimes it'll be stormy, so will you still love me when I'm a superstar? BRIDGET Yes, Nick, and I'm going to help you to be a great superstar. NICK Yes!

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BRIDGET Lesson number one: This is how all superstars make a big exit. Goodbye, Nick. See you at the Oscars. Annie? ANNIE Uh-huh? BRIDGET I really think you're watching too many adverts. ANNIE What do you mean, too many adverts? BRIDGET Well, remember Chunky Chunks?

ANNIE I think so. What's that noise? HECTOR Oh, Annie's popcorn. ANNIE My popcorn? HECTOR Yes, I wanted to make popcorn just for you. ANNIE Oh Hector, thank you. Oh, you are sweet. BRIDGET I like popcorn too, Hector. BRIDGET [composing email] This apartment is very busy! Crazy phone calls for a stranger called Rock Thrust. BRIDGET Rock Thrust? What a stupid name! ANNIE I know! BRIDGET [composing email] Hector and Nick come in without knocking! NICK Go, go, go, go, go! BRIDGET And Annie is crazy about adverts! ANNIE "Popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!" NICK ... ... guess what? I've got the part. HECTOR Man, that is great! NICK I'm gonna be a star! [composing email] My own show, every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience! HECTOR Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood. NICK Ah, I co-starred with Russell Crowe in this one. HECTOR You, in Gladiator? Wow, Nick, I didn't realise. What were you?

ANNIE Oh, Chunky Chunks. "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge! Nick, in front of you are two plates and all you have to do is tell me which plate is Chunky Chunks - A or B. Ready? OK. This is Plate A." NICK Hmm. ANNIE "Good. And this is Plate B." NICK Huh. ANNIE "OK, Nick. Which plate do you think was Chunky Chunks? A or B?" NICK Well, they both smelled great. ANNIE "Correct! Well done! Both plates were Chunky Chunks!" NICK By the way, Annie. ANNIE Uh-huh? NICK What are Chunky Chunks? ANNIE Dog food, of course. BRIDGET Do you see what I mean?

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NICK The centurion. HECTOR Which centurion? NICK Ah! Here it is. There, that's me, on the ground. HECTOR Huh! A dead centurion. NICK Yeah, good, eh? I had some words, but they were cut. HECTOR What did you say? NICK "Nwrraaahhh!" Hey, but now I've got the whole script just for me on television every night. HECTOR Nick, tell me, what is it? NICK It's my show. When I'm a star, I will not forget you, my friend. VOICE ON TELEVISION ...Join me at 5.30 PM today when I'll show you how to make a delicious chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. You'll need chocolate, eggs and butter. And don't forget the way to a heart is through the stomach. HECTOR The way to the heart is through the stomach. What does that mean? NICK It means if you want a girlfriend, cook for her. HECTOR I want to learn how to cook. ANNIE Anyway, what do you mean by I watch too many adverts? BRIDGET Well, remember when you wanted us to change our washing powder? ANNIE Oh, ho! "Hello there. As a mother, I must fight different stains every day. Tomato ketchup. Chocolate - huh! Gravy. And egg. But help is here! I will wash one shirt in ordinary washing powder and the other in new Zap! So, the shirt washed in normal washing powder is - oh! - still dirty, but the shirt washed in new Zap is Oh! BRIDGET Annie, have you seen my red T-shirt anywhere?

ANNIE Oops! BRIDGET See what I mean? HECTOR Oh, hello, Bridget. BRIDGET Hello, Hector. HECTOR Oh, hi, Annie. NICK Oh, thank you. Yes, I know. HECTOR Do you know where Nick is? BRIDGET No, we've just arrived. NICK I'm a great actor. ANNIE I think I know where Nick is. NICK .....Would love to do the part, but I'm too busy. No, it's not the money, but I don't need 15 million quid. Look, talk to my agent, Bridget, huh? BRIDGET I have an idea. NICK Oh, so Robert de Niro said yes already. Hmm, well... hello? Telephone rings BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary] Hello? Nick Jessop? NICK Yeah. BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary] I have an executive from Warner Brothers on the line for you. NICK Right. HECTOR [pretending to be a Hollywood executive] Hello Nick. You are very big in England. What are you working on now?

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NICK Hi. Well, it's something that all of England watches. It's the... You can laugh, but tomorrow night at 6 o'clock, you will see that Nick from next door has star quality and then Spielberg will call. Now excuse me, I must learn my line.

CHARLOTTE Nearly finished, my darlings. Finally, add the whites to the chocolate and put it in the fridge. And in 30 minutes, this delicious chocolate mousse will be ready for your lover to taste - hmm! HECTOR And put it in the fridge - mwahh! BRIDGET Why Hector, who's the lucky lady? I think I know! Hmm! Chocolate mousse, my favourite dessert. ANNIE Nick!! What time is it?! HECTOR Six o'clock. ANNIE Quick! Change channels! VOICE ON TELEVISION It's 6 o'clock and time for the weather with Rock Thrust! With Rock Thrust. NICK [Rock Thrust] Oh, me. Oh, Im ready. ANNIE The weather? Rock Thrust? HECTOR Nick!

ANNIE [composing email] You know how much l love adverts. Do you remember my Chunky Chunks? "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge!" And Zap! "New Zap!" My favourite advert right now is for chocolate mousse. "Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers". CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Hello all you gorgeous chefs. And welcome to Charlotte's Kitchen. Today - hmmm! - chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. First, take some chocolate. HECTOR Chocolate. CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] And melt it over hot water. HECTOR Melt? Oh! Over hot water. CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Now, my darlings, you must separate the eggs into two bowls. HECTOR Separate the eggs? CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Separate the yolk from the white. HECTOR Oh, the, the... ANNIE Hector? HECTOR Ah, hello, Annie. CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Mix the yolk and the chocolate. Add the butter. And now for the fun - whisking! I love whisking, don't you? HECTOR Oh, whisking? ANNIE Ah! You need Annie's magic whisk. HECTOR Yes, please.

NICK Hi! I'm Rock Thrust. And here is the weather - big smile. And here is the weather. In the south, it will be hot. (Sun, sun.) Oh, sorry. Hot. So put on your beach clothes. And in the west, it'll be windy. And in the east, it will rain, so don't forget your umbrella - ha! And there could be some..., Oh, no, not lightning. Ha! And that's the weather with me, Rock Thrust. HECTOR Ah, come in and sit down. Close your eyes. Now, are you ready for a taste of paradise? Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Ready? ANNIE Hmmm! "Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers". Oh, Hector, that was so much fun! I love doing adverts, especially with your delicious chocolate mousse. HECTOR Oh, I'm glad you like it. BRIDGET Well, hello! It's Rock Thrust. Would you like your messages, Mr Thrust? As your agent, I take 10 per cent. $6WDULV%RUQ 9 Episode 5 $6WDULV%RUQ 10

Episode 5

ANNIE Oh, poor Nick. You must be very tired now. NICK Yeah, I am. ANNIE Working in television must be exhausting. NICK Yes, because I had to run all the way from the studio. HECTOR Run? Why? NICK Because I was chased.
Episode 6 Narrative BRIDGET [reading horoscope] Taurus: "Today you will have a change in career which will give you more money." BRIDGET More money! Ohhh! It's my lucky day. Now where was I? 99, 100. Good, that's done. Now the cushions. In my special order: orange, pink, purple... HECTOR Hi, Bridget. BRIDGET Oh, hi Hector. Red. HECTOR Hi, Annie. ANNIE I'm just... Bridget, no! It's OK, Bridget, you didn't see it. You didn't see it! BRIDGET What are you wearing? Take it off! HECTOR What? BRIDGET Your shirt, it's that colour. Take it off. HECTOR This shirt? What is wrong with the colour? What's wrong with yell... ANNIE Ahhh! BRIDGET Don't say it! Don't say that colour. Just take it off and throw it out! HECTOR OK, OK. BRIDGET Done?

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Bridget wins the Lottery, Nick finds love at the traffic lights and why does Hector become a dustman? EXTRA, don't miss it.

Episode 5

$6WDULV%RUQ 11

HECTOR Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

Done. ANNIE Bridget must not see anybody wearing that colour. HECTOR Why? BRIDGET Because that colour - urghhh! - is very unlucky for me and today is Lotto day! HECTOR Lotto day. What's... BRIDGET The Lottery. I pick 5 numbers. My numbers are: 66, 11, 89, 18 and 69. If my numbers are the same as the Lottery numbers on television, I win millions! HECTOR I've never heard of it. ANNIE Bridget gets very excited. HECTOR Oh. BRIDGET But I know how to keep calm. ANNIE Yoga. So, there we are, Hector. HECTOR Great. I am going shopping. Do you need anything? BRIDGET Yes. Could you get my dress from the dry cleaner's, please? HECTOR Dry cleaner's? OK. BRIDGET The blue ticket is on the board. HECTOR Oh. Got it. See you later, Bridget. NICK 4-6-4-7. Hector! HECTOR Hi, Nick. I've just been to see Bridget. NICK Yes, I can see. Anyway, where are you going? HECTOR Oh, I am going shopping. Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

NICK Ah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Come in here. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Pen, pen, I need a... aha! pen. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Paper. Paper! 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Hoo! Thanks, Hector. HECTOR What is it? NICK Aha! Today I met a girl called Emily. She is very beautiful - long blonde hair, big... HECTOR Yes? NICK ...blue eyes, and she is crazy about me. HECTOR Where did you meet her? NICK She was in her sports car. [Imitates car revving noise] At the traffic lights. HECTOR Oh! NICK I asked her for a lift. She said 2No/ but she shouted her phone number 7-9-6-4-6-4-7. HECTOR Oh, I see. NICK Mwahh, ha-ha-ha! Hey! Maybe she has a friend or a sister. HECTOR Wow, yeah! NICK Let's go out. Today is my lucky day. VOICE ON TELEVISION Now it's time for the National Lottery. BRIDGET Oh good. Is this my lucky day? VOICE ON TELEVISION And the numbers are... Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Yes? Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, well, I'm a bit busy. Can I call you - back? Ahhh! I've won! Mum! I've won! I must go.

Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

VOICE ON TELEVISION And those were this week's lucky numbers. BRIDGET Oh, whooaaaahhhhhh! ANNIE What is it? BRIDGET Annie! Ahhhhh! ANNIE Bridget, I can't understand you! BRIDGET Annie, I have won the National Lottery! BRIDGET and ANNIE Aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Whooahhhhhhh! BRIDGET From now on, it will be a life of luxury. Designer clothes! ANNIE Exotic holidays! BRIDGET Luxury homes! The very best restaurants! ANNIE Or mixing with the stars! [Ah ].

ANNIE What is it?

BRIDGET My Lottery ticket has disappeared. ANNIE What?! BRIDGET But the dry cleaning ticket is still there. Hector has taken the wrong ticket. We'll go to the dry cleaner's. BRIDGET [writing email] Today was Lottery day and, as usual, I did exactly the same thing to bring me luck. I brushed my hair 100 times 99, 100. I arranged the cushions in my special order. I did my yoga. ANNIE [writing email] Guess what? The good news is, Bridget has won the Lottery. BRIDGET and ANNIE Ahhhhhhhh! ANNIE The bad news is, her winning Lottery ticket has disappeared. Bridget asked Hector to collect her dry cleaning, but Hector took the wrong ticket! HECTOR Got it! ANNIE Oh dear! Poor Bridget! BRIDGET My Lottery ticket has disappeared. HECTOR and NICK Hey . Hey . Ay!!! HECTOR Hey, Nick, that waitress really likes you. NICK Two girls in one day. Call me Mr. Irresistible, ooh-oh! Hi, girls. HECTOR Hi, Bridget. Oops! Your dress, Bridget. I forgot, sorry. I..., how did you collect the cleaning when I had the ticket? BRIDGET No, Hector - darling. You have the wrong ticket. HECTOR I have the wrong ticket?

BRIDGET But of course I will give a lot of money to charity. No more work, no more bosses. In fact Ill call now and resign. Dialling sound on mobile phone VOICEMAIL MESSAGE Hello, this is Harry Bowler. Leave a message and I'll ring you back. BRIDGET Harry, it's Bridget. I resign! I quit! I'm off! Keep your job. Goodbye! ANNIE Oh dear. BRIDGET From now on, no more bosses for Bridget. Bridget is the boss! Now I'll just get my lucky little ticket. BRIDGET Ah!!

Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

BRIDGET You have the wrong ticket. Now give it to me.

NICK Then we went to Cool Man. HECTOR And then we went to the motorbike showroom.

HECTOR Yes, I have it here, Bridget.

NICK Yeah! Sound of Nick and Hector imitating motor bike noises BRIDGET Stop! So, you are going back to look for it! HECTOR and NICK Yes, ma'am! BRIDGET And don't come back until you've found it, OK? HECTOR & NICK OK! BRIDGET The ticket must be claimed by 10 o'clock tonight. Now get going! HECTOR & NICK Yeah, ... ... ... BRIDGET Understood? HECTOR and NICK Understood! ANNIE Cancer: "Today there is trouble at home." BRIDGET Grrrrr!!! ANNIE You can say that again! NICK OK, Hector. I hope you find the ticket. See you later. HECTOR Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going? NICK Well, I am going to the traffic lights. Emily might return. I can't ring her, because her number is on the lost ticket, remember? HECTOR Yeah, but what shall I do? NICK Look for the ticket, of course. Bridget Wins the Lottery Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

BRIDGET You have got the ticket, Hector. HECTOR Yes, I have got the ticket, Bridget. I have lost the ticket. BRIDGET You have lost the ticket, Hector? HECTOR I have lost the ticket, Bridget. NICK You've lost the ticket, Hector. You can't have lost the ticket! Emily's number is on the back! BRIDGET Oh-wah-wah-ah!! HECTOR Are you OK, Bridget? BRIDGET The ticket you took from the board was not the dry cleaning ticket. It was my Lottery ticket. My winning Lottery ticket. HECTOR Oh. BRIDGET I am a multimillionaire. But with no ticket! And you, you can stop smiling, because this is your fault too! ANNIE OK! Nick! Hector! Where have you been? HECTOR Well, first we went to the CD shop. NICK No, no, no. First we went to Leo's Caf. Remember the waitress? HECTOR Oh yeah! She was ... ... ... BRIDGET Yes, and...? HECTOR Then we went to the CD shop.

Episode 6

HECTOR Yeah, but what shall I say? NICK Well, you say..., OK, I am the shopkeeper. You are you. HECTOR Great! NICK Great. HECTOR Good afternoon. NICK [pretending to be shopkeeper] Good afternoon. HECTOR I have lost my ticket. NICK [pretending to be shopkeeper] What sort of ticket? HECTOR Oh, my winning Lottery ticket. NICK [pretending to be shopkeeper] Oh, your winning..., wait a moment. You can't say, "I have lost my winning Lottery ticket". HECTOR Why not? NICK Because if they know it is a winning Lottery ticket, they will keep the money, they will hide it. HECTOR Oh. NICK So you must be someone else. HECTOR Who? NICK Ha! Someone who can search the rubbish bins. HECTOR Search the rubbish bins? NICK That's it! A dustman. HECTOR Dustman? NICK Yeah! A dustman can search the rubbish bins. Ha! Great idea, Nick. Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

HECTOR Yeah, great idea, Nick. NICK Come on! You need to prepare!

NICK [writing email] What a day! I met a girl called Emily at the traffic lights - she's crazy about me! And she gave me her telephone number. Unfortunately I wrote her number on Bridget's Lottery ticket which Hector lost. Emily's number is on the back! BRIDGET So I told them, "Don't come back until you find it. Now get going! HECTOR and NICK Yeah-yeah-yeah!!!! Sound of mobile phone ringing HECTOR Hello? BRIDGET Hello? Hector? HECTOR Hello, Bridget. BRIDGET Have you found the ticket? HECTOR No, not yet. BRIDGET Well, where's Nick? HECTOR At the traffic lights. BRIDGET What?! At the traffic lights? Well, call me when you've found the ticket! Leo: "Today you will have a big surprise. Your life will be turned upside-down." Hmm! HECTOR Right! ANNIE Leo: Today you will have a big surprise. Your life will be turned upside-down. BRIDGET Ohhh!!! NICK [whistling and humming] Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

BRIDGET Well? NICK Well. ANNIE Well? NICK Well, what? BRIDGET Any luck? NICK Well, yes and no. BRIDGET Yes and no? NICK Hmm. The bad news is, I didn't find her. BRIDGET Who? NICK Emily. BRIDGET Emily who? NICK Emily, the girl at the traffic lights. BRIDGET Oh. NICK The good news is... BRIDGET Yes? NICK I made 50 cleaning windscreens. BRIDGET Ahhh! Where's Hector? Where's my ticket? Oh, look at the time. It's ten to ten! ANNIE Ten to ten? I haven't fed Charlie. Oh, where is Charlie? I must find him. NICK Charlie was asleep on my bed this afternoon.

ANNIE Oh, thanks Nick. Oh, there you are, Charlie. Charlie? What's this? Ohhhh! Ohhhhh! Bridget! Bridget! I found it! Your ticket! BRIDGET What?! NICK Where? ANNIE On Nick's bed. NICK Who? BRIDGET On Nick's bed! Well, give it to me. NICK No, give it to me! BRIDGET It's my Lottery ticket. NICK Emily's number's on the back! BRIDGET It's mine! NICK Give it to me! ANNIE It's OK, it's OK. I'll stick it back together. BRIDGET and NICK Grrrrrrrrrr! ANNIE Done! Ha! Oh, hi Hector. Oh, poor Hector. I've just found the ticket on Nick's bed. Isn't it exciting? BRIDGET Thank you! Ha! Now I can claim my money! Sound of door being banged ANNIE Oh, poor Hector. Ive just found the ticket on Nicks bed. Isnt it exciting! HECTOR Yeah, great. Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

10

11

NICK I can call Emily now! HECTOR Oh, great! NICK When Bridget has finished. HECTOR Great. ANNIE Shh! Shh! BRIDGET Hello! I'd like to claim my prize money, please. My numbers are: 66, 11, 89, 18 and 69. What?! What do you mean, they're not the winning numbers? Well, what are your numbers then? Well, 69, 81, 68, 11 and 99? But how? HECTOR Hey, I know what happened. Bridget, what were you doing while watching the Lottery? BRIDGET My yoga. HECTOR Aha! Which position? BRIDGET This one. HECTOR Exactly. These are your numbers, but this way. BRIDGET Ohhh!! ANNIE Oh, bravo, Hector. HECTOR Hey, it was nothing. NICK Aha! Emily's number. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Aha, it's ringing. Helloooo. Is Emily there? No? Who are you? Jack's Taxis? Emily! You tricked me! BRIDGET Oh, what an unlucky day. Well, it can't get any worse. Yes, it can. The phone call. My job. We must get that tape back. Now. And I know just the man for the job. ANNIE Well, it cant get any worse!

BRIDGET Yes it can! The phone call. My job. We must get the tape back now! And I know just the men for the job! HECTOR & NICK Oh no! BRIDGET & ANNIE Oh yes!

HECTOR Nick, should we be here? NICK It's OK. Bridget said it was OK. HECTOR Look! There is the answerphone. NICK Quick, get the tape! Sound of dog barking SECURITY GUARD Security! Who's there? COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Bridget's twin comes to stay, Hector asks Annie on a date and why is Bridget being so nice, or is she? EXTRA, don't miss it.

Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

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Episode 6

Bridget Wins the Lottery

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Sound of emergency siren HECTOR Doctor Jessop?

Episode 7 Narrative

NICK Hector, I want a part in the TV show Hospital Fever. I need to practise. Anyway, women love men in white coats. HECTOR Really? NICK Ha-ha-ha! So, where does it hurt? HECTOR Where does what hurt? NICK You are my patient so you must hurt somewhere. HECTOR OK, oh, my arm, my arm hurts. NICK Your leg or your arm? Leg, arm, arm, leg. HECTOR Oh, OK, my leg, my leg.

BRIDGET [reading email message] "I got the photos, thanks. Your friends look cute. Do they know about me?" "Well, they know I have a sister, but they don't know I have an identical twin!" "Well, don't tell them and we'll have some fun. I'll see you on the 16th of June. My plane lands at 3. I'll get a taxi from the airport. Love you, Chrissy." HECTOR [speaking on the phone in Spanish] No, mama, no es BRIDGET and HECTOR Mothers! HECTOR My mother thinks I am 10 years old. BRIDGET My Mum treats me like a baby too. HECTOR My Mum doesn't understand me. BRIDGET My Mum doesn't understand me, but Chrissy is perfect. HECTOR Who is Chrissy? BRIDGET Oh, she's my sister. Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Oh, excuse me. Hi? Oh, hello Mother. Yes Mother, I have remembered shes arriving today. HECTOR Oh, hi Nick. I've come to get my weights. NICK Ah, Mr Romero. Take off your trousers and like down, please. HECTOR Pardon, Nick? NICK Ah, please, call me Doctor Jessop.

NICK OK. Sit down please, Mr Romero. Hmm, cross your legs. Ha! Now, don't worry, Mr Romero, this won't hurt at all. Arrgghhhh! Oooh, oooh! HECTOR Sorry, Nick, it was an accident. NICK OK. You have good reflexes. HECTOR Good. NICK Now, Mr Romero, please say "Ah!" HECTOR Huh? NICK Mmm! I thought so. HECTOR What? NICK You had cornflakes for breakfast. HECTOR Oh. The Twin Episode 7 The Twin

Episode 7

Bridget, do you have some clothes I could borrow? I travelled in this dress. I need something more comfortable. NICK Now I must give you an injection. HECTOR An injection? NICK Yes, an injection. Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET It's open. CHRISSY Ta-daaa! BRIDGET Chrissy!! You're early. Come in, come in! BRIDGET and CHRISSY Twinnies! CHRISSY Oh Bridget, darling, it's lovely to see you. BRIDGET And you, Chrissy. How was your flight? CHRISSY Great, but can you believe it, they lost my luggage. BRIDGET Incredible. Oh Chrissy, look at you. You never change. You're still a teenager. CHRISSY Oh, didn't we have fun then. BRIDGET Yeah, at school. CHRISSY "It wasn't me Miss, it was Bridget!" BRIDGET "It wasn't me Miss, it was Chrissy!" We shared everything. CHRISSY Yes, we did. "He loves me." BRIDGET "No, he loves me, me, me!" Anyway, here we are now. CHRISSY Episode 7 The Twin HECTOR Sorry, I can't exercise. I've hurt my back. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Why, Hector. You are so muscular. HECTOR Oh, thanks. How is your Mum? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] She is such a good friend. She really understands me. HECTOR But I thought that... NICK It's OK. I'm here. Where's the emergency? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Well, hello, Nick, the actor. Ooh, I love doctors. Sound of telephone ringing CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Mummy. NICK This is it! Women love doctors. Bridget can't resist me. HECTOR Really? NICK Hey, darling, come to Nick. CHRISSY See you soon, Mummy. Love you lots. Bye! So Doctor, where were we? Ooh, I think I have a temperature. NICK Madam, I think I can help. Tell me where it hurts. ANNIE Hi, Hector! Hi, Nick! Hi, Bridget! Episode 7 The Twin BRIDGET Something like this? I bought two for the price of one. CHRISSY Bridget, this looks really good. BRIDGET Great.

Excuse me! CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Annie, darling! How are you? Doesn't Nick look good as a doctor? ANNIE Yes, he looks very, very good. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Now you must excuse me, I must do my make-up. NICK Ooooh! BRIDGET Guess what? My twin sister Chrissy has arrived from Australia. She lost her luggage, so she has borrowed my clothes. NICK That's it! Women love doctors! Today I practised for a part as a doctor and Bridget couldn't resist me! HECTOR Bridget is in a really strange mood today. A moment ago, she said that her mother was her best friend. ANNIE So? HECTOR But an hour ago, she said that her mother treated her like a baby. I am confused. NICK I wonder what Bridget was like when she was younger. HECTOR I wonder what Annie was like. ANNIE I wonder what Nick was like. Nick? NICK Huh! I know what Hector was like. Anyway, I must continue rehearsing as Doctor Jessop, especially as Bridget loves doctors so much. Aha! Sound of door slamming ANNIE Ohhh! Nick only likes Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. BRIDGET Am I interrupting? ANNIE No. HECTOR Yes. BRIDGET Episode 7 The Twin Episode 7 The Twin CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Go on. HECTOR But she doesn't notice me. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Well, ask her on a date. HECTOR Well, should I? OK. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] HECTOR Really? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Aha! Sweet! ANNIE But I thought that CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Your faces! Are you two ? ANNIE No! HECTOR Yes. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Aw, but you look so nice together. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] So Hector, are you and Annie dating? HECTOR Well... CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Come on, Hector. You can tell me. It's not a problem. HECTOR Really? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Really. HECTOR OK. I really like Annie. ANNIE But why? Nick never notices me. Ohhh! And he looks so handsome in his doctor's coat.

Oh, and Hector, when I was at the airport today, I found this magazine. HECTOR Airport? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Is this you? Are you this rich boy, Hector? HECTOR Yeah, but please, don't tell Annie. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Oh, you want her to like you, not your money. HECTOR Yeah. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] That is so sweet. Well, don't you worry. Your secret is safe with me. HECTOR Oh, thanks. Banging noise HECTOR and NICK Oh ow-ow!! HECTOR Bridget is in a really good mood today! NICK Really? Gre-at! Hi! CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Hi, Nick darling, or Dr Jessop. Would you help me? NICK Sure. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Would you move this exercise bike to give me more space? NICK Sure. Yeah. Eeyahh! CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Oh, you're so strong. NICK I need a drink. Would you like one? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Yes, please.

NICK Aha! Bridget, darling. Have you finished, because now we can make a little sweet music of our own, darling. BRIDGET In your dreams, Nick. NICK Huh? BRIDGET Who moved my bike? NICK I did, because you... BRIDGET Well, move it back then - if you're strong enough. HECTOR Aha! HECTOR Dr Romero, at your service. ANNIE Ooh, hello! Oh, Hector, you look great! Oh, I love doctors. BRIDGET Oh, Hector you look great! Oh, I love doctors. ANNIE Im fed up Nick only likes Bridget! Bridget! Bridget! But dear Hector comforts me, he is so kind. And Bridget is in a strange mood today. First she said, [Am I interrupting?] then two minutes later she said, [Sweet!] Its like two different people! NICK First she asked me to move her bike: ["Would you move this exercise bike to give me more space?"] then one minute later, she told me to put it back again: ["Who moved my bike?"] Huh! Women! HECTOR Hi, Annie. ANNIE Oh, hi, Hector. Hector, think of a card. HECTOR OK, ace of diamonds. ANNIE No, don't tell me. HECTOR Annie?

Episode 7

The Twin

Episode 7

The Twin

ANNIE Yes, Hector? HECTOR I have something to ask you. ANNIE Yes, Hector?

CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] What is it, Annie? ANNIE I don't understand. If you are there, then who is in the bathroom? What?!!

HECTOR The thing is, do you like to come to the cinema tomorrow night with me? ANNIE Pardon? HECTOR Would you like to come to the cinema tomorrow night - with me? ANNIE Oh, well, yes, I'd like to. HECTOR OK. See you then. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] So Annie, did Hector ask you out? ANNIE To the cinema, yes. Do you want to come? CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Of course not! Have a great time! ANNIE I wonder which film we should see. BRIDGET When? ANNIE When I go to the cinema with Hector, of course. BRIDGET What? You and Hector are going to the cinema? I don't believe it. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Phew, I'm starving! Hmm! These are my favourite biscuits. I think there are some good films on now, Annie. BRIDGET All the films are rubbish at the moment anyway. I'm starving. Ecchh! I hate these biscuits. CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget] Now I must phone the airport. ANNIE Ohhhh! Episode 7 The Twin

BRIDGET What? Ahhhhhhhh! Annie, what are you doing? ANNIE But you're, you're ! BRIDGET Twins. ANNIE Bridget, I didnt know! BRIDGET This is my twin sister Chrissy. Didn't I tell you about her? ANNIE Ahh! Now I understand. So Nick and Hector don't know that you are twins. BRIDGET No, I don't think so. You know, we could have some fun with this ANNIE Maybe a magic trick? Hector! Nick! Come in! You are just in time to see my new magic trick. Take a seat. HECTOR Wow, I can't wait. ANNIE Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, just gentlemen. Today I will make my lovely assistant Bridget disappear! Enter, Bridget! Sound of drum roll NICK and HECTOR Whoo-whoooo! Whoo-whoooo! ANNIE OK, Bridget, in you go. Bridget. Bridget! I will make Bridget disappear from this box and appear in this box. NICK Oh, this I must see.

Episode 7

The Twin

10

ANNIE Now a tap with the magic wand. NICK and HECTOR Hey! Hey! Episode 8 ANNIE Which means that the first box is empty. NICK and HECTOR Whooo! Hey! ANNIE Bridget, you are moving quickly today. Let's just check that the other box is empty. HECTOR Hey! She's going round the back. ANNIE OK, gentlemen, place your bets, please. Which box do you think Bridget is in? NICK The box on the left. HECTOR No, no, the box on the right. ANNIE OK. Let's see. A drum roll, please. Sound of drum roll ANNIE Gentlemen, applause, please, for Bridget and Chrissy! Oh, I think there's something wrong with the audience. Is there a doctor in the house? BRIDGET Bye, Chrissy, come back again! CHRISSY I will, I promise. Bye, Bridget. Narrative

ANNIE [Reading note] "Dear Tenants, my cousin, your landlady, is on holiday this week, so I am in charge. The same rules apply: no pets, no parties, no visitors, especially boys. Yours, Eunice Mountain." Eunice Mountain? She sounds terrible! Worse than the tarantula. BRIDGET If thats possible. ANNIE Do you think shell say no shelves? BRIDGET She can't. They'll look fantastic. "The timber shelves in clear lacquered beech veneer with six castors and a TV bench." ANNIE Ooh! Now, where shall we begin? BRIDGET Annie, it's easy. Rule number one: always read the instructions first. ANNIE Well, that will only take a week. BRIDGET OK, let's have a drink before we begin. Milk, Annie? ANNIE Yes, please. BRIDGET I owe you, Nick. There! Well, no milk. Would you like some sparkling water? ANNIE Right. BRIDGET "I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick!" How dare he? Aha! Would you like some cola? NICK Thanks, Bridget, I was looking for that.

BRIDGET Oh, Chrissy, I'll miss you. Oh! She forgot her magazine. What?! It can't be! It is! It's Hector! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Hector helps build some new shelves, Nick helps build some new shelves, and what happens when the landlady's cousin comes to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it.

BRIDGET Nick! NICK Huh? Sorry. BRIDGET Add it to the list.

Episode 7

The Twin

11

Episode 8

7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ

Or ask your flat mate to buy your food. NICK Huh? Wow! BRIDGET You didn't know Hector was rich? NICK No. BRIDGET I'll speak to you later! HECTOR Wow, what are all these boxes? ANNIE Our new shelves, Hector. HECTOR I can help you build them. Where are the instructions? NICK Hector, my friend, rule number one: never read the instructions. ANNIE Ohhh, I see you have a note from our new landlady then. BRIDGET Eunice Mountain!

OK, so: "First open box A and take out shelf number 1."

BRIDGET But which is box A? HECTOR This is box C. ANNIE And I've got box D. HECTOR Ah, I've got it. This is shelf number 1. ANNIE No, Hector. This is shelf number 1. BRIDGET No, this is shelf number 1. ANNIE Oh, this is a nightmare. HECTOR OK, Annie, read out the instructions. ANNIE [Reading instructions] "Put shelf 1 against the wall." Hector, I think the books will fall off. Sound of door to flat opening and closing

NICK Eunice Mountain. I bet she's the same size. [Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? It's Eunice Mountain. Who am I? I'm Nick, from Flat B. Oh, you want Flat A? This is... [Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? Yes, this is Flat A. Yes, I am Nick from Flat B. Yes, I know this isn't my flat. EUNICE MOUNTAIN I want to see you downstairs - now! NICK Sorry. OK. Right away. BRIDGET Well? NICK Eunice Mountain wants to see me downstairs now. HECTOR Oh, bad luck, man. ANNIE Oh dear. BRIDGET Ask her if she has any milk, bread and biscuits. NICK Ha-ha.. ANNIE Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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BRIDGET So what's Eunice Mountain like? NICK You know, not bad. HECTOR Are you in trouble? NICK Probably. HECTOR I've got it - put pole B on the left and pole A on the right and the shelf on top. Bridget. BRIDGET Like this, Hector? Have you put up shelves before, Hector? HECTOR Many times. BRIDGET Or do your servants do it for you? NICK I'll do it! HECTOR No, no, no, I'll do it. Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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NICK Drop! Drop! Ha! I laugh at instructions. BRIDGET Oh, that was clever. HECTOR It's OK. I can straighten it. NICK Aha! Stand back and watch the master at work! Sound of wood being sawed NICK Da-daaa! ANNIE Oh, well done, Nick. BRIDGET Hmm. HECTOR Wow! BRIDGET So where does this piece go? Sound of knocking on door EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hi, I'm Eunice Mountain, your new landlady. BRIDGET [Composing email] Anyway, guess what I have discovered? Hector's family - the Romero Family - is one of the richest in Argentina! Can you believe it?! NICK Wow! ANNIE [Composing email] The good news is: our landlady has gone on holiday! The bad news is: her cousin - Eunice Mountain - is our temporary landlady. She sounds awful. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hi. BRIDGET Hello. I, I, I, I am Bridget, and this is Annie. ANNIE Hello. BRIDGET And this is Hector from Argentina. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Well, hello, Hector. Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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BRIDGET Hector lives next door with Nick.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN I've met Nick already, haven't I, Nick. NICK Oh yes, that's right. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm, we need to talk about your rent - in private. NICK Gre-at uhhh!! HECTOR [Reading instructions] "Measure the distance between the shelves." Oh. Aha. Annie, hold this, please. Aha, that's it, uh-huh. And this should be it! ANNIE Hector, do you think that's correct? These shelves are for mice. BRIDGET Can I speak to you please, Hector? HECTOR Hmm? BRIDGET So, Hector, one of the richest families in Argentina, the Romero family. There you are, Hector! So why the secret? HECTOR Because I wanted you to like me, not my money. BRIDGET Oh Hector, of course I do. Who else knows? HECTOR Nick. BRIDGET I thought so. HECTOR But not Annie. Don't tell Annie - yet. BRIDGET Why, Hector? HECTOR Because Bridget, I ..., because... BRIDGET Yes? HECTOR Because I - I am in love with Annie. NICK Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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Nick has entered the building! BRIDGET So where are you going looking like John Travolta? EUNICE MOUNTAIN I did knock, but the music was so loud, you didn't hear me. I thought we'd have a little chat. Rule number two: no underwear on the radiator. ANNIE Oh, well, it's dry now. Give it to me. Give it to...., thank you.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN He has a date with me, haven't you, darling. HECTOR Another date? BRIDGET But that's three times this week! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Four. We've been to dinner, to the theatre, to the cinema and last night - salsa dancing! BRIDGET Can you salsa? NICK & EUNICE Whooo!!! EUNICE MOUNTAIN I am the salsa queen! BRIDGET Yeah, with two left feet. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Pardon? BRIDGET Nothing. HECTOR It sounds great.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Let me repeat the rules. No parties and no visitors, especially boys. Especially boys from next door. Especially Nick. He's mine! Get the message? ANNIE Erm, yeah, we get the message. EUNICE MOUNTAIN See you later. Oh, by the way, that shelf is not straight. Bye! BRIDGET Well, I have never! What does she..., who does she think she is? ANNIE The landlady's cousin? BRIDGET Oooh, I know that, but no Hector and no Nick? How dare she? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Coo-eee! Coo-eee! NICK [groaning] NICK [groaning] HECTOR How is Eunice? NICK [groaning] HECTOR Problems? NICK She is very nice. HECTOR But? NICK But - she's just not my type. HECTOR What do you mean? NICK Look, presents. More presents. Flowers. More presents. Chocolate. 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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BRIDGET What is it tonight? Ping pong? NICK Tonight's it's karaoke. EUNICE MOUNTAIN And I am the karaoke queen! Let's go. Bye! I love yo-u-u! BRIDGET [Mimicking Eunice] "I am the karaoke queen!" I bet she sings like a toad. ANNIE So, Hector, where were we? HECTOR OK, I think I've got it, Annie. Assorted b/g noises/music Episode 8

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And her energy! I'm exhausted! Sound of knocking on door EUNICE MOUNTAIN Nick! Ooh, Nick! Coo-eee! Let's go dancing! NICK Hector, get rid of her! HECTOR Get rid of her? How? NICK Say something! HECTOR What shall I say? NICK Anything! Tell her I'm not well. I've eaten a hedgehog. I've gone to the moon. EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door] Oh, Nick, are you in there? NICK Go on! HECTOR OK, OK! Oh, hi. EUNICE MOUNTAIN You're not Nick. HECTOR No. Nick.., Nick's hedgehog has gone to the moon. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Pardon? HECTOR Nick's hedgehog is not well. Nick is sad. EUNICE MOUNTAIN So, he must come dancing to make him happy. HECTOR No, no! He cannot dance! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Why not? HECTOR He stood on the hedgehog without shoes. Very painful. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, very messy! HECTOR Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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So he cannot dance. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, that's a pity. Well, never mind. HECTOR Yeah, sorry. Bye. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Da-da-da-da! You'll just have to come instead! HECTOR Pardon?! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Come on, let's dance! ANNIE [Composing email] Yes, Hector is still building the shelves. I don't know why he is so keen to help! Still, I like it! ANNIE Do you think thats correct? ANNIE And poor Nick! He looks exhausted! He's going out with Eunice. They've been to the theatre, the cinema, a restaurant, a salsa club and a karaoke club. She is the Karaoke Queen! NICK & EUNICE Oooooohhhhhh! ANNIE I don't think Bridget likes her. ANNIE "And tighten the screws." Annie, you are a genius. Hi, Hector. HECTOR Hi, Annie. ANNIE What's the matter? Are you OK? HECTOR I am exhausted. ANNIE What happened? HECTOR Last night, Eunice and I... ANNIE Yes? HECTOR She made me... Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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ANNIE Yes? HECTOR Go dancing. ANNIE Oh! HECTOR Annie, she dances like a rhinoceros. Whoa! Annie! The shelves! You finished them! ANNIE Oh, just a bit more measuring. HECTOR I will help you. ANNIE Oh. HECTOR Oh. ANNIE Sorry. HECTOR Sorry. ANNIE It's OK. It happens when people work together. So, where were we? Ah! "For the final shelf, take..." oh! Hector! Oohhh! NICK Help! Hide me! Wooo!! HECTOR Eunice? NICK Eunice. Oh Bridget, save me! BRIDGET Why? NICK It's Eunice. EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door] Nick! Coo-eee! Oh, Nick! NICK Oh, there she is! She's too much! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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I know you are in there, Nick. Bridget, Annie, I said no boys. BRIDGET Shall I get rid of her, Nick? NICK Oh, yes, please! But how? BRIDGET I'll think of something. Annie, let Miss Mountain in. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ah, there you are, Nick. And Hector! Bridget, I thought I said no boys. BRIDGET Yes, you did! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Especially boys from next door. BRIDGET Yes, yes, you did! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Especially BRIDGET Nick, hes mine!! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oooh! Well just wait until I tell my cousin! Oh, by the way, Hector, Ive got a fax for you. HECTOR Oh? Oh, please, give it to me. EUNICE MOUNTAIN It's from your father. It says, "Coming to London to meet... the Prime Minister? My jet arrives at midday. Will phone. Father." Ooh! Actually, Hector, I think you're more my type. ANNIE I, I don't think so, Eunice. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh! Goodbye. ANNIE Oh, and don't slam the... door. Oop! So Hector, your father is flying to London in his private jet to meet the Prime Minister? BRIDGET Well, they are one of the richest families in Argentina. NICK So Bridget, where were we? BRIDGET Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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No, Nick. NICK Huh? BRIDGET The trick worked. Eunice is gone. HECTOR Annie, I will buy you a million shelves. NICK To be or not to be, that is the question. Whe..., oh no! ANNIE Ooh, well, we better start measuring for them then. HECTOR Oh-ho-ho! ANNIE Why is it so dark in here? What's going on? Nick, what are you doing? The sun is shining outside. NICK Oh, hi, Annie. ANNIE What are you doing? NICK Nothing. ANNIE Well, stand up then. NICK I can't. ANNIE Why not? NICK Erm... ANNIE Right, I'm coming over. NICK ... ..... OK. ANNIE [Laughing] Oh, nice outfit, Nick! Bridget, look at this! BRIDGET [Laughing] NICK Oh, you can laugh, but one day, I will be a great actor. In fact, I might get a part in a Shakespeare production this week. BRIDGET In your dreams! ANNIE Did you have a good day at work, Bridget? BRIDGET Oh, I'm so tired. Training with the England football team this morning. Episode 8 7KH/DQGODG\V&RXVLQ
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Episode 9 Narrative

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick dresses up, Bridget is working hard in television and Hector goes for an audition! EXTRA, don't miss it!

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Oh, those boys - so cheeky! But they really know what they're talking about. ANNIE Football? BRIDGET No. Hairstyles and fashion, of course. Anyway, then I had lunch with Kylie Minogue's agent - lovely man. [Laughs] So funny! I'm exhausted. ANNIE Oh!! Poor Bridget. BRIDGET Euch, I must get changed. ANNIE Now Bridget's a researcher for Channel Nine, all she talks about is sweet stars. Huh! Bleuhh! It's so boring. NICK Huh? I'll be sweet when I'm famous. BRIDGET Where are they? I thought so. NICK To die... to sleep BRIDGET Nick! NICK ... ......? BRIDGET Are those my tights? NICK No. Huh! BRIDGET Oh yes they are! NICK Oh, these tights. Are they yours, Bridget? BRIDGET I'll speak to you later. Now where's Hector? I have some exciting news for him. HECTOR Oh, hi, Bridget. Hi, sugar-plum! ANNIE Hi, snugly-puppykins! HECTOR Hey, nice tights, man! Laughter

BRIDGET Hector, I have some great news for you. Channel Nine is looking for a television reporter. NICK Ah - I could do that! BRIDGET Not an English reporter. A Latin American who speaks English. HECTOR But I can't speak English very well. BRIDGET Just audition. ANNIE Go on, Hector, the camera will love you. BRIDGET And so will the girls! ANNIE Not all the girls, I hope. HECTOR Well, if you think so, then... BRIDGET Ah, Hector, with my help, the job is yours. And my new boss will be very impressed with me. HECTOR OK, Bridget. BRIDGET Right! Let's do some research. Annie, we need CNN. Find it. And Nick? NICK Yes? BRIDGET I want my tights back - now. NICK OK. ANNIE You want your tights back? BRIDGET They are Versace. The remote, please, Annie. NICK Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. Sound of banging ANNIE What's wrong with it? HECTOR

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I don't know. I think it's broken.

Right, I'm off.

BRIDGET Well, we'll have to go to your place then. NICK Ah! There you are. BRIDGET Shhh, Nick. We're watching CNN. We're doing research for Hector's new job! NICK Hector's new job? What about my new job? I need to do research as well. BRIDGET Nick! NICK There! That's better. VOICE ON TELEVISION To be or not to be... BRIDGET What's this? NICK Hamlet - a tragedy. ANNIE What's it about? NICK Love. Madness. And murder. Hamlet's father, the king, is killed by Hamlet's uncle, who then marries Hamlet's mother, so Hamlet kills his uncle and his mother and then he dies. BRIDGET That sounds like my family. NICK It's a masterpiece. I'd be great as Hamlet. BRIDGET Oh! My tights! NICK Oh, Bridget, I had an accident. BRIDGET Buy me another pair or you will have an accident! ANNIE Accident or murder?! NICK OK, Bridget. BRIDGET Episode 9 Jobs for the Boys
4

ANNIE Me too. HECTOR Goodnight, sugar-plum. ANNIE Night, snuggly-puppykins. HECTOR Oh, Nick, I am worried. NICK Hector, I know what you mean. When women talk like that, it is time to move on. HECTOR No, not Annie. This television reporter's job. I don't really think I can do it. NICK Hector, of course you can. What you need is... HECTOR Talent? NICK No! You don't need talent. You need Nick's School for Television Reporters. HECTOR Nick's School for Television Reporters? NICK Yeah! I will teach you to be a television reporter. HECTOR OK! NICK OK. Rule number one: imagine you are talking to a beautiful woman. "Good evening, this is Nick Jessop, reporting from the Houses of Parliament just for you." Rule number two: be mysterious. "I am here to tell you the Houses of Parliament may look normal, but all is not as it seems." Rule number three: make them trust you. "I can reveal that this building is actually an alien space station. Trust me. Trust Nick Jessop. I will always tell you the truth. See you later. Goodnight and sleep tight." Do it like that, Hector, and you will get the job. HECTOR "Hi, this is Hector Romero." BRIDGET [Composing email] Chrissy, we need a new TV reporter at Channel Nine and I think Hector will be perfect. HECTOR Well, if you think so. BRIDGET [Composing email] Of course, I will train him. My new boss will be very impressed.

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HECTOR OK, Bridget. BRIDGET [Composing email] And this morning, I found Nick wearing my Versace tights. NICK Oh, these tights!

What do you think? Goodbye, Hector. And the new editor will be here soon. Right! Nick!

Sound of mobile phone ringing BRIDGET [Composing email] He's a strange boy. NICK [Composing email] Guess what, Dan! I've discovered Shakespeare. "To die, to sleep ..." I love it! And I taught Hector how to be a television reporter. NICK Nicks School for Television Reporters! NICK [Composing email] I'm sure he'll get the job! NICK [reading text message] "Nick., I am too angry to speak. Bridget." Sound of mobile phone ringing NICK Huh! Hi, Bridget! BRIDGET Nick. NICK I thought you were too angry to speak to me. BRIDGET Shut up, Nick. How dare you. NICK How dare I what? BRIDGET Teach Hector to be a news reporter! NICK Ah, ahm, sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET He was ridiculous. "Hi, sexy, this is Hector Romero." My new editor will be here soon and I wanted to impress her. NICK So will Hector get the job then? BRIDGET Of course he won't get the job. You made me look a fool. You.., you and Hector are so stupid! ANNIE Who was that? NICK Wrong number. ANNIE Hey, Nick, look at this. This could be perfect for you. NICK What is it? ANNIE [Reading advert] "Is Shakespeare in your blood? Could you be our Hamlet?" NICK Jobs for the Boys
6

BRIDGET Did you get my fax? Well, did you get my email? What did Sting say? Will he do the interview? You won't even ask him? He's never heard of Channel Nine? Oh, please. Please! Please! Well can I meet him? I can? Where is he? At the airport? I'll be there. Yes! Sound of knocking on door WOMAN Hector Romero for you, Bridget. BRIDGET No. Hector, I forgot your audition. Listen, I must go out for one hour. Sting wants to see me! Don't worry. Just remember everything I've told you. Here's the script, there's the camera. Must dash! Be back in an hour! HECTOR But.., I... "Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine." BRIDGET What a day! First Sting had already departed for New York and now this! This! From you, Hector! HECTOR Sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET Was this Nick's idea? HECTOR Erm... BRIDGET I thought so. HECTOR So, have I got the job? BRIDGET Episode 9

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Yeah! ANNIE "Do you love performing?" NICK Yeah!

BRIDGET No, no, no. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Good. OK. Two rules. One: I am your editor and I am always right. Two: you are the researcher, you are always wrong. OK?

ANNIE "Do you love travelling?" NICK Yeah! ANNIE "Do people adore you?" NICK Naturally! ANNIE "Then we need you. Call this number for a Shakespearean experience." NICK Wow! Hamlet! My dream! I'll call now. I must learn my lines. "To be... to be..." ANNIE "Or not to be?" BRIDGET Aagh!!! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hello, Bridget. BRIDGET Eunice, what are you doing here? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Long time no see, Bridget. And how's Nick? Does he miss me? BRIDGET No. Er, yes. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh! You have a new hairstyle. BRIDGET Yeah. So have you. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Yes, but the difference is, mine looks good. BRIDGET Yes. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Anyway, Bridget, I am your new editor. Surprised?

BRIDGET OK. EUNICE MOUNTAIN OK. Now what have you got for me today? BRIDGET Well, Sting would love to come for an interview, but... EUNICE MOUNTAIN But he's not coming. BRIDGET No. But we need a new reporter and... and... and I have found you the most perfect person. He's Latin American, speaks English and he's very sexy. Watch this. I know you'll love him. HECTOR "Hi, sexy. This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine. Wow, you look beautiful today. Guess what? There's been a diamond robbery in London. I would love to put diamonds on those pretty ears. But you, yes, you can sleep safely in your bed tonight. This is Hector Romero. I'll be back." BRIDGET Well? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Of course! Hector! Oh, he is perfect! BRIDGET [Composing email] What a day! Hector's audition was a disaster. HECTOR "Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine." BRIDGET Guess who interfered? Nick! BRIDGET Right, Nick! BRIDGET [Composing email] And worse still, guess who is my new boss? Eunice Mountain! EUNICE MOUNTAIN I am your new editor. BRIDGET [Composing email] Jobs for the Boys
8

Episode 9

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But the good news is, she loved Hector. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, he is perfect! ANNIE [Composing email] Weve found a perfect role for Nick. Hamlet, by William Shakespeare. NICK My dream! ANNIE [Composing email] He's very excited! ANNIE Oh, don't worry, Hector, my little puppykins. I'm sure you would have been a very good reporter. HECTOR But Bridget is angry with me. ANNIE Huh! Don't worry about Bridget. NICK Guess what? I've got the job. ANNIE Hamlet? HECTOR Shakespeare? Congratulations, man! ANNIE Oh, great! When do you start? NICK Tonight. I've got the costume already. I think I will go and wash my motorbike. HECTOR You haven't got a motorbike. NICK I have now.

Eunice really liked your tape. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, you are perfect, Hector. BRIDGET Hector will have such fun. EUNICE MOUNTAIN I'm off. Oh, see you at 8 o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, Hector. Hmm! Oh, hmm!

BRIDGET There's no need to thank me, Hector. ANNIE Oh, I think Ive got something in my eye. Well, it was nice while it lasted, but now, Annie, it is time to say goodbye to Hector. He is going to be a famous news reporter, so there'll be no room for little old you. HECTOR It's OK, Annie. Whatever happens, we will always be together. ANNIE But you'll forget me when you're a famous news reporter. HECTOR However many stories I report - murders, bank robberies, small cats in trees - I shall never forget you. You, light of my life. "This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine, London." ANNIE Oh, Hector! HECTOR Oh, Annie! BRIDGET Oh no. Nick? NICK Yes? No! Ohh... "To eat or not to eat. That is the question." Hamlet's burgers - eat them without question. Sound of laughter COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Annie wants to save the animals, Bridget has a date with Leonardo di Caprio, and what is in Nick's box? EXTRA, don't miss it. NICK That's nice.

BRIDGET Hi, everyone! Hector, you have a visitor - my new editor! Eunice, do you remember Hector? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm. How could I forget? And of course Nick! I could never forget you! BRIDGET I thought you had a motorbike to wash? NICK Thank you. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hector, I just popped in to say congratulations. You've got the job! Isn't it wonderful? BRIDGET Episode 9 Jobs for the Boys
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Episode 9

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11

Sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET I have a very important day today. Episode 10 Narrative Sound of banging on door NICK Ah! What? Huh? ANNIE Nick! NICK Who is it? ANNIE Its me, Annie. NICK Oh. BRIDGET I have big, big decisions to make. Like which dress. What do you think? ANNIE Well, they're both nice. BRIDGET I have such a busy morning. David Beckham, Madonna. ANNIE What?! You're meeting them? BRIDGET No, I'm reading about them, and then I'm having lunch - with guess who? ANNIE Oh, er... BRIDGET Yes! You've guessed it! Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and me! Oooh! ANNIE Wow! Leonardo Di Caprio? Just you, and him? BRIDGET Well, nearly. There'll be 45 journalists there too, but really it's just me and gorgeous Leo! ANNIE You and 45 others. I see. Anyway, this cosmetic factory experiments on animals for make-up and I really feel..., BRIDGET Oh good, Hector, you're here. Now you can help me choose. ANNIE Oh, you're back, Hector. Was it a difficult night at work, snuggly-puppykins? HECTOR Yes, and the bad news is that Eunice wants me to go straight back. ANNIE Why? HECTOR There is a big news story happening today. BRIDGET So Hector, which dress do you like best? HECTOR This one. ANNIE Sorry.

ANNIE And this is Ziggy. Is Hector there? NICK No, he's working tonight. ANNIE Then you must help us, Nick. NICK Huh? ANNIE Take these. They are my babies, so look after them, please! NICK Yeah, sure, no problem. ANNIE Right. Ready, Ziggy? Come on, let's go. Hurry! ANNIE Yes, three o'clock. Tell the others. Bye! BRIDGET "Animals are Human"? Annie. Animals are animals. ANNIE But animals are like people. BRIDGET Oh really, Annie? Look at this flat. How can I get ready? ANNIE Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 1

BRIDGET You're sure? Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 2

HECTOR OK, that one. BRIDGET But you just said this one first. HECTOR Yes, I know, but Bridget, I am going to Channel Nine now. Are you coming?

BRIDGET I have big, big decisions to make. Which dress? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ah, Hector. At last. I want you to go straight to Garrier's Cosmetic Factory. HECTOR Why? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Because some horrid hippies are protesting there. HECTOR Why? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Because they think Mr Garrier experiment on guinea pigs for make-up - ha! This is nonsense. HECTOR Guinea pigs? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm, you know, guinea pigs. Eee-eee-eee! HECTOR Oh! Guinea pigs! Oh, how sweet. EUNICE MOUNTAIN And these hippies have stolen his guinea pigs. HECTOR Oh. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Poor Mr Garrier adores his little guinea pigs. HECTOR Oh. EUNICE MOUNTAIN He wants them back. He told me over dinner last night. HECTOR Who is Mr Garrier? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Mr Garrier owns Channel Nine. And Mr Garrier has said we must make these protesters look very, very stupid. Now get going! HECTOR Oh, oh, OK, Eunice. Oh... EUNICE MOUNTAIN I want their heads! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh-oh! BRIDGET Eunice? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Yes, Bridget? 3 Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 4

BRIDGET Yes, Hector. And I can tell you all about Leonardo and me! ANNIE The guinea pigs! Nick! Sound of snoring ANNIE Good, they're OK. Sound of snoring Sound of knocking on door ANNIE I'm coming! Oh, Ziggy! Come in. Right, now, there are the posters. Now, a note for Nick. Ready, Ziggy? Bye, Charlie. Wish us luck! Oh! Wait a minute, Ziggy. OK, right, let's go. ANNIE [Composing email] Today is a very important day! It is protest day. ANNIE Wish us luck! ANNIE [Composing email] And don't tell anyone I've stolen some guinea pigs. ANNIE [Making phone call] Yes, 3 o'clock. Tell the others. Bye! BRIDGET I'm having lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio today! Leonardo and me - oooh! BRIDGET Leonardo and me oooh!! ANNIE Wow! Leonardo Di Caprio! BRIDGET But I can't get ready! Annie and her hippie friends are getting ready to protest at some cosmetic factory - ha! Doesn't she understand how important today is for me?!

Episode 10

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BRIDGET Is there anything I can do? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, yes. I have a very important job for you. Get me a coffee. Black, no sugar. NICK Oh, no, no, Bridget. I can't! I'm a married man! [Sound of telephone ringing] Huh? Oh! What? Crazy, man! Guinea pigs! ANNIE They are my babies, so look after them, please!

HECTOR OK. So how important is this protest? CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! ANNIE Well, well, yes, it's very important, because this factory Garrier's - experiments on animals for make-up. HECTOR And why is that bad? CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! ANNIE Because.., oh, because the poor animals are suffering. CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR Oh, that's dreadful. The poor things. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ohhhhh! Oh, poor little things. They're just guinea pigs! Ohhhhh! Hector, remember who Mr Garrier is? You do want your job. CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR OK, so do you think this march will help the animals? NICK Hey! It's Hector and Annie. ANNIE This march is.... NICK Wow, man! ANNIE We must stop Mr Garrier! HECTOR I see. ANNIE These scientists are using poor animals to test on hair dye, lipstick, mascara, blusher. They use... CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! EUNICE MOUNTAIN

NICK Yeah, sure, no problem. Oh, yeah. Annie. Annie! Huh! OK, my little beauties. Time for breakfast. Come on! "Nick, very important. Keep my babies safe. I will call you. Annie." Huh! Does she think I'm stupid? Of course you're safe with me. Ha-ha! Now, let me introduce myself. My name is Nick. Yeah, hello there. Now, what's your name? Hmm, Kevin? How do you do, Kevin? And who's this? Janice? Is she your girlfriend, Kevin? OK, it's not that funny. Janice, I think you're very pretty, OK? So! These are all your friends. Wow! There are 8 of you. You must be hungry. Shall Uncle Nick get you something nice to eat, eh? OK. Ooh! Have they split up? Hollywood's most beautiful couple. Hmm! Oh, yes! Yes! CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR .... ... .... I cannot hear you! CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! EUNICE MOUNTAIN I said, "Find the leader". HECTOR The what? EUNICE MOUNTAIN The coordinator. HECTOR Which one? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Her! Her! That one! The one with the big ears! CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR Hello. ANNIE Hello. EUNICE MOUNTAIN This isn't a tea party. Ask her a question. Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 5

Episode 10

$QQLHV3URWHVW

Well, tell her. Tell her we need make-up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And where are the 8 guinea pigs they stole from the laboratory? I bet she knows. Ask her! CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR OK. And do you know anything about some stolen guinea pigs? ANNIE The guinea pigs are safe. NICK Oh yeah, they're safe with me, aren't you, my pretty ones. EUNICE MOUNTAIN I bet she's got those guinea pigs! Ask her! Ask her! HECTOR OK! Have you.... EUNICE MOUNTAIN Louder, ... ... ... HECTOR Have you got..... EUNICE MOUNTAIN We've got her! Ask her again! Ask her again! HECTOR Have you got the guinea pigs? ANNIE Hector, why are you doing this? You know I love animals. HECTOR I'm sorry, Annie. It's my job. ANNIE Well, you can keep your job! HECTOR Annie, please! Wait, I'm coming! CROWD GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! HECTOR "This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news." Annie, please! I can explain! Wait! NICK [Composing email] Hey, Dan, last night Annie gave me a box - and guess what was in that box? Guinea pigs! NICK OK, my little beauties. NICK [Composing email] Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 7

Ha! Of course they're safe with me. NICK Theyre safe with me, arent you, my pretty ones.

ANNIE [Composing email] We were protesting outside Garrier's factory and I saw Hector reporting for Channel Nine. I thought, Great, a sympathetic interview! Huh! His questions were so unfair! HECTOR "Have you got the guinea pigs?" ANNIE "Hector, why are you doing this?" ANNIE [Composing email] How could he?! HECTOR "This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news." Annie, please! I can explain! Wait! BRIDGET Bridget Di Caprio! Mrs Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and Bridget Di Caprio! "Hello, Mrs Di Caprio!" "Oh, call me Bridget." "Is Leonardo there?" "No. He's on the beach with our two beautiful children and the dogs." Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. So aren't you going to ask me about my lunch?" Sound of water sprayer NICK Oi! What did you do that for? BRIDGET Aren't you going to ask me about my lunch? NICK What lunch? BRIDGET My lunch with Leonardo! NICK Leonardo who? BRIDGET Leonardo Di Caprio, of course. NICK So Bridget, how was your lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio? BRIDGET Gorgeous! I was so funny. He loved me, he loved my dress, he loved my name. NICK That's nice.

Episode 10

$QQLHV3URWHVW

BRIDGET Now close your eyes. Go on, close your eyes. Ready? NICK Ah... BRIDGET Ta-daaa! What do you think? NICK Very nice. BRIDGET It was very expensive, but it's worth it, because tonight, I'm going to a premiere. Oh, I can't wait! I wonder if Leonardo will be there? Now I must get ready. Tonight, this little lady's going to shine! Tonight, this little lady's going to shine! HECTOR Annie, I can explain. Listen. Annie, please talk to me. NICK Hey, guys. Gre-at interview! ANNIE You were not fair, Hector. You were asking awful questions. NICK Yeah, they were pretty bad. HECTOR It wasn't me. It was Eunice. ANNIE Huh! HECTOR Hmm! ANNIE Oh, the guinea pigs! Nick, where are they? I must take them to the animal sanctuary. NICK We've been having a lovely time, haven't we, my friends! Huh! Hello! They're not here. ANNIE What do you mean, they're not here? NICK I mean, they're not here. ANNIE So where are they, Nick? Oh! Squeaking noises NICK Everywhere? ANNIE Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 9

Ooooh!

Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR I'll get it. Hello? Oh, hi, Eunice. Huh? Yes, Eunice. Ho-ho, OK, Eunice. No, Eunice. OK, Eunice. Bye, Eunice. It was Eunice! ANNIE No. HECTOR And after what happened today, she says that I... ANNIE Oh, Hector! Your job! She's fired you! Oh, I'm so sorry, Hector. It's all my fault. HECTOR She says that I must tell you that she is so pleased with the interview, she wants Channel Nine to fight against animal cruelty! ANNIE Ohhh! HECTOR Channel Nine's new motto is: "Animals are Human"! ANNIE Ohhhh! That's fantastic news! Oh, good old Eunice. Oh! What about Mr Garrier? HECTOR Oh, she said don't worry about Mr Garrier. ANNIE Ohhhh! NICK ... .... errghhh! ANNIE Right, let's find those guinea pigs. NICK Yes, right away!

Episode 10

$QQLHV3URWHVW

10

ANNIE Right, we found seven of them. There's just one guinea pig still missing. NICK He's probably watching us. HECTOR Yeah, and laughing at us.

Episode 11 Narrative

Sound of intercom buzzer HECTOR Hello? OK, right. Bridget! Your taxi's here. BRIDGET I'm coming. New girlfriend, Nick? Right, everyone, I'm just off to my premiere! Did I mention it? Proper acting. Perhaps you could learn something, Nick. Oops! Sorry, no spare ticket. Still, I'll tell you all about it later. Bye! Don't wait up! Laughter COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, the friends go on holiday to Spain, Bridget finds her prince and Nick finds his princess. EXTRA, don't miss it.

NICK [reading questionnaire in magazine] Who would be your ideal holiday romance? A] J-Lo, B] Cameron Diaz, or C] Kylie? Yeah, mmm, difficult to choose. Huh. All three! Ha! Ha! What do you like most about girls on holiday:? NICK A] Their suntans? Yeah, OK. B] Their bikinis? Oh cor, yeah! C] Their ANNIE Ironing skills? NICK Where do you meet girls on holiday? A] On the beach? B] In the bar? C] On the ski slope? Hah, on the beach, yeah, I meet lots of lovely girls on the beach, cor! ASSORTED VOICES IN BACKGROUND Nick, Nick, Nick ANNIE Nick, Nick, Ni-ck NICK Bah! Ah! ANNIE Nick, I am fed up! I need a holiday! We all need a holiday! NICK Yeah, I know what you mean! Im exhausted! [Sound of Nick blowing his nose] HECTOR [Presenting TV Travel Programme] So it is holiday time again and everyone is off to the airport. NICK Agh! ANNIE Oh, hello Hector.

Episode 11
Episode 10 $QQLHV3URWHVW 11

Holiday Time 1

HECTOR They are travelling to Florida, Thailand, Egypt and Belgium? Are you sure?! And Belgium. Travelling by plane, by train, and by car. Well, maybe not by car! This is Hector Romero, for Channel 9. ANNIE Oh! Ooops! Ooh! Bridget will be furious! NICK [Laughing] ANNIE Still, maybe a new fashion!

ANNIE But that would cost even more, dont be silly, Nick. BRIDGET What? Is Nick being silly? I dont believe it! Oh, Im so tired! ANNIE Oh Hector, I saw your holiday report. HECTOR Oh, I have just spent all day watching other people go on holidays. BRIDGET Oh, I cant go on! Eunice is a witch. She makes me work, work, work. NICK Why dont you leave then? HECTOR Yeah. BRIDGET What? Leave my job? I love my job! NICK Huh! Women! ANNIE What you need what we all need is a NICK Holiday! BRIDGET Mmm, a holiday! HECTOR Gre-at idea! Where shall we go? NICK Oh, Id love to go to Las Vegas! ANNIE Cape Town! BRIDGET Id like to go anywhere with Enrique Iglesias! ANNIE Hey! What about Spain!

BRIDGET Yeah! Yes! Can he do the interview on Thursday? No, well what about Friday? [Sound of telephone ringing] Oh, hang on. Hello she wants 22 dressing rooms?! Four for Lourdes and her nannies! But weve only got two! Hello? Oh, for goodness sake! Huh! Who wants Madonna anyway?! Hello, are you still there? [Sound of telephone ringing] Hello, what?! Oh, hello Eunice. Yes, David Beckham is booked and so is Princess Caroline of Monaco. No, Madonna is not coming. Yes, OK, Eunice, I will ah-ah, I will, today. Bye Eunice. What did your last slave die of?! What I need, what I really need is a holiday. Sound of assorted telephones ringing BRIDGET Oh-oh. NICK Go on, type New York. ANNIE Gatwick. NICK Number of nights, 3. ANNIE 3. OK, lets see what they can do. One thousand pounds?! Oh, but thats much too expensive we, we must choose a different destination. NICK Yeah, how about Las Vegas, hah!

Episode 11

Holiday Time 2

Episode 11

Holiday Time 3

NICK You speak Spanish! You can be our guide! Hah! HECTOR We-ll BRIDGET Enrique Iglesias speaks Spanish! NICK And the girls Hmm! I cant wait! Hey Hector, you can translate my chat up lines! HECTOR Well, Ill try! NICK And we can try them out! Ha ha! HECTOR Yeah! ANNIE Hector! Theres your ironing! Laughter ANNIE Nick! BRIDGET Theres yours! ANNIE [Composing email] Im exhausted. I need a holiday. ANNIE I need a holiday! We all need a holiday! HECTOR Where shall we go? ANNIE [Composing email] And guess what? Were going to Spain. ANNIE I cant wait! NICK Nows the chance to try my chat up lines on Spanish girls. Ha, ha! NICK And the girls! Ha-ha-hmm, I cant wait! Episode 11 Holiday Time 4

NICK They wont be able to resist me! NICK OK, I see a pretty Spanish girl HECTOR Hmm. NICK How do I say, Im English, can you give me directions to your apartment? [Makes clucking noise] HECTOR Really? NICK Yeah. HECTOR OK. [Clears throat] Hola soy ingls NICK Hola soy ingls HECTOR Me puedes dar NICK Me puedes dar HECTOR La direccin de tu piso? NICK La direccin de tu piso? HECTOR Good, but this one is better. Your eyes are like stars they come out at night. NICK Oh, I like it! How do I say it in Spanish? Laughter HECTOR [Clears throat] Tus ojos NICK Tus ojos

Episode 11

Holiday Time 5

HECTOR Tus ojos NICK Thats what I said. HECTOR OK! Tus ojos son como estrellas NICK Tus ojos son como estrellas HECTOR Salen por la noche NICK Salen por la noche NICK Eh! Ha, ha! Now, this one always works. I know what youre thinking. You want to kiss me, dont you. HECTOR No, I dont.

ANNIE But, were only going for three days. BRIDGET You never can be sure what event well be asked to go to parties, balls, the opera, theatre ANNIE Oh yeah it wont happen! BRIDGET When Bridget arrives in Spain, well be invited everywhere. They just wont be able to resist! NICK What wont they be able to resist? BRIDGET What are you wearing? NICK I am a toreador! HECTOR Oh! Oh! Ol!! NICK Whose is this?! ANNIE Bridgets. NICK You are taking all that?! BRIDGET Yeah, why? NICK Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget all you need to travel is your passport, your tickets and your money, ha-ha! Sound of car horn hooting in background ANNIE That will be the taxi! NICK Ha-ha! HECTOR Lets go! BRIDGET Come on, boys, give me a hand with my luggage!

NICK Not you! Its the chat up line, stupid! BRIDGET Hector, are you there? HECTOR Yeah. BRIDGET Could you give me a hand with my luggage? HECTOR Sure. Ay?!! All of it?!! BRIDGET Yes, all of it, please, Hector. BRIDGET Over here, Hector, I must do a final check. ANNIE Gracious, Bridget, what have you got in there? BRIDGET Six tee shirts, three pairs of jeans, four pairs of trousers, ten bikinis, four sarongs, two skirts, two nightdresses, three pairs of trainers, two pairs of evening shoes, three toothbrushes, two toilet bags, five belts, two jackets, two cans of hair mousse and a ball gown. Episode 11 Holiday Time 6

Episode 11

Holiday Time 7

Sound of door being slammed ANNIE Gatwick airport please. Sound of screeching car brakes/footsteps on stairs/door being opened/closed/receding footsteps HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE All you need to travel is your passport, your ticket and your money, Nick. NICK Yeah, yeah, very funny! Laughter ANNIE Wow, look at this! Its so Spanish!

WAITRESS Well actually, he did like my hair and at least mine is natural! BRIDGET Ah, she understood! ANNIE Shes English! WAITRESS How did you guess?! NICK So, is this a traditional Spanish bar? WAITRESS This - is a traditional da English Tea Room. HECTOR In Barcelona? WAITRESS Ooh, arent you clever! NICK Leave it to me. Please CAN WE HAVE A DRINK?!! WAITRESS No!! BRIDGET Why not?! WAITRESS There are no tables. BRIDGET But what about this one? WAITRESS No. ANNIE Erm, or that one? WAITRESS No. HECTOR What about this one here? WAITRESS Its reserved. HECTOR Never mind, lets, lets go. Holiday Time 8 Episode 11 Holiday Time 9

HECTOR Yep! Typical Spanish hospitality. And this is a typical happy Spanish waitress. ANNIE Hello! Erm, we are from England. And we would like a drink, please. HECTOR Girls, girls, girls, leave it to me. I must translate for you. [Clears throat] Queremos beber algo en este bar tpicamente espaol! NICK Hang on. Ill talk to the lady. Hola soy ingls. Me puedes dar la direccin de tu piso? ANNIE Oh, she doesnt look very happy. BRIDGET No, she looks a mess! ANNIE Perhaps her boyfriend has left her. NICK Yeah- because she looks a mess! [Laughs] BRIDGET Maybe he didnt like her hair. Laughter

Episode 11

WAITRESS But erm, if youve reserved the table, you can come in. ANNIE Oh. HECTOR OK. [Clears throat] Can we please reserve a table? WAITRESS Certainly erm, oh yes, I, I can just fit you in that table there. BRIDGET [Composing email] So here we are in Spain. I think Ive brought enough clothes for all events. BRIDGET You never can be sure what event well be asked to go to. ANNIE [Composing email] Spain is beautiful. ANNIE Wow, look at this! Its so Spanish! ANNIE [Composing email] We thought wed found a typical Spanish bar. BRIDGET She understood! ANNIE [Composing email] But it is a typical English tea room. WAITRESS Ooh yes, I, I can just fit you in that table there. WAITRESS Right, what would you like to drink? NICK Cola, please. ANNIE Me too. BRIDGET And me.

HECTOR Huh? What have you got? WAITRESS Weve got Darjeeling, Kenyan, English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Camomile, Peppermint, Jasmine, Imperial, Oolong, Indian, Green and Yellow - tea. HECTOR Ill have a cola please. WAITRESS Anything to eat? NICK Erm, yes please. What have you got? WAITRESS Egg and chips, sausage and chips, fish and chips, cheese and chips, pie and chips and chicken and HECTOR, BRIDGET, ANNIE & NICK Chips!! WAITRESS Chicken and croquette potatoes. NICK So, we can have anything with chips. WAITRESS Apart from chicken or I have cake. Gatox. HECTOR Gatox? ANNIE I think she means gateaux. NICK, HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE Gatox please. HECTOR Spanish girls are beautiful! NICK Gre-at! And French girls! HECTOR Really?! BRIDGET I dont believe it.

HECTOR In Spain, do as the English do. I will have a nice cup of tea, please. WAITRESS Which tea?

Episode 11

Holiday Time 10

Episode 11

Holiday Time 11

ANNIE What? BRIDGET Over there over there! ANNIE Yeah? BRIDGET Its him!! ANNIE Who? BRIDGET Enrique! ANNIE Enrique? Qu? BRIDGET Not Enrique- qu, Enrique Iglesias! ANNIE No! Are you sure? It cant be!! BRIDGET This is Spain. Well hes from Spain! ANNIE Well?!

ANNIE Oh, poor Bridget! Still, he is quite good looking! NICK Hah! Latin men are different to English men. They are not sensitive, gentle, romantic and sophisticated like me. Crashing noise WAITRESS Gatox! HECTOR I think the waitress fancies you, Nick! Go on, try one of your chat up lines on her! NICK Ha! Shes not my type! ANNIE So what is your type, Nick? NICK Erm? HECTOR Shes coming back! Go on, go on! NICK Which one, which one, Ive forgotten them all! HECTOR Use my one, stars, stars. NICK OK, OK, I remember. [Clears throat]. Your teeth are like stars they come out at night. Annie and Hector laugh NICK Its obvious shes crazy about me! BRIDGET Ive got a date with him, Ive got a date with him! NICK Who? Mr Iglesias?

BRIDGET I must go and talk to him! Hair [check] lipstick [check] top [check]. Right. Here I go! NICK Wheres Bridget going? ANNIE Enrique Iglesias is sitting over there at that table! HECTOR No!! BRIDGET Enrique! HECTOR That is not Enrique Iglesias! NICK No way! Episode 11 Holiday Time 12

Episode 11

Holiday Time 13

BRIDGET Oh, dont be silly! Of course its not Enrique Iglesias! Im not that stupid! [Makes snorting noise] Its Miguel and tonight were going clubbing! HECTOR Great! NICK Where are we going? BRIDGET No, not you, Miguel and me. ANNIE Oh no, Bridget, we must be your chaperones! HECTOR Yeah, you will not even notice us! BRIDGET Well, oh all right then! NICK Oh, all those Spanish girls clubbing! WAITRESS Clubbing! Lets boo-oo-gie, baby! Ill show you how its done!
Episode 12 Narrative NICK Nearly ready. Oh, there we are! Oh, perfect! Now - the living room! Oh, there! Just there! Oh, yeah, perfect, baby! Now, refreshments! Ha-haa! Cola - yes! Crisps - yes! And finally, mwah! Dial-A-Pizza - yes! Ohh! Only two hours to go! BRIDGET Nick! What is your television doing in my bathroom? NICK Oh, hi Bridget. So I don't miss anything. BRIDGET Miss anything? NICK Yeah, if I have to, you know, when the match is on. BRIDGET Oh, the match. So who's playing today? NICK It's the semi-finals. England... BRIDGET Versus...? HECTOR Ar-gen-tina! NICK Hey, Hector, great outfit - but wrong team! Ha-haaa! HECTOR & NICK Oooohhhh! NICK And I've got my lucky World Cup pants on. Ooh-ooh-ooohhh! BRIDGET Your lucky World Cup pants? NICK Yup. I don't change them when the World Cup is on. BRIDGET But it lasts for weeks. NICK Yeah!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA - England play Argentina in the World Cup. Nick gets a phone call and Bridget has a bad hair day. EXTRA dont miss it!

Episode 11

Holiday Time 14

Episode 12

Football Crazy

So, Hector, I've got the refreshments ready - Cola, crisps... BRIDGET TV in the bathroom. HECTOR At what time is kick-off? NICK Midday. HECTOR Oh, we had better sit down then! ANNIE Hello, everyone. Charlie and I are ready for the match. HECTOR Oh, Annie, you look nice! BRIDGET Your ribbons are different. ANNIE That's right. One for England and one for Argentina. HECTOR Oh, how sweet. NICK But of course England will win. HECTOR I don't think so, Nick. NICK We beat Jamaica 4-2. HECTOR But we beat Italy 3-0. NICK Well, our strikers are the best in the world. HECTOR But your defence is poor. NICK No, it's not. HECTOR Yes, it is. NICK It's not! It's not! It's not! HECTOR It is! It is! It is! ANNIE

Break! And now make friends.

Sound of dog barking BRIDGET Oh, you're so childish. Miguel arrives today. At least he's a real man. NICK Yeah, but he loves football too. [Sound of telephone ringing] A Spanish supporter. BRIDGET Hello? NICK We'll beat them, in the final. BRIDGET Nick, for you. Your agent. NICK Ooh, goodie! Hi, Cameron. How are you? Good. An audition? For me? Hey-hey! What for? London On Fire? The soap? Yessss! When? Today? At midday? Where? Birmingham? But that's 100 miles away! No, of course I'm pleased! OK, thank you! Bye! ANNIE An audition for London On Fire? That's brilliant! HECTOR Yeah, you must be pleased, man. NICK Yes, I am. I am very, very pleased. I am so happy. HECTOR I can see that. NICK Why today? Why this afternoon? Why in Birmingham? What about the football? BRIDGET Oh, it's only a football game. NICK Bridget, there are some people who think that football is a matter of life and death. It isn't. It is muchmore important-than-that! BRIDGET Don't go to the audition then. NICK Don't go? Don't go? I must go. Drama is my life. ANNIE Look, Nick, we can record it for you.

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Episode 12

Football Crazy

HECTOR Yeah, and we won't tell you the score. NICK Really? You won't tell me the score. You promise? ANNIE Promise. HECTOR Promise. BRIDGET OK, promise. NICK OK! I will go - and perform for England! BRIDGET [Composing email] World Cup! World Cup! World Cup! Today England play Argentina. NICK But of course England will win. BRIDGET [Composing email] Do I care? HECTOR & NICK Ooooooohhhhh! NICK [Composing email] The good news is: I have an audition for London On Fire. I am so happy. NICK Yesss! NICK [Composing email] The bad news is: it's in Birmingham this afternoon, so I won't see the semi-final! What a tragedy! NICK I am so happy! [Sobbing noises]

Got to do something. I know - Carol! She'll help me. VOICE ON TELEVISION ...we've got all the action coming up.

BRIDGET Hello? Carol? Bridget here. Look, this is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that a Spanish football fan will adore. You can? Oh, goodie. I'll see you at 5 o'clock. Sorted! VOICE ON TELEVISION ...this semi-final we're seeing the two giants of football, England and Argentina... BRIDGET Come on, England! HECTOR Come on, Argentina! VOICE ON TELEVISION ...but that strong team. England ... ... ... I think ... ... score! Yes! It looks like it - aww! Oh! Now, Argentina, have they got ... ... .. They're looking dangerous! They've got through the defence and, and they score! Come on, England. They've got to pull themselves together. And who's this? Look at him. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... match and England have ... ... ... and yes! ... ... ...! ... ... ... BRIDGET Wow! What a game! ANNIE Yeah, it was fantastic! Oh, poor Hector. Argentina did very well against England. BRIDGET Yeah, but not well enough! ANNIE Ooh, we must not look too happy. We promised Nick not to tell him the score and Hector, you must not look too sad. Come on, try to smile. Come on, snuggly-puppykins. Like this. Hmm, it'll do. Sound of door opening ANNIE Oh, hi Nick. NICK Hello. BRIDGET Hi, Nick. NICK Good match?

BRIDGET I don't believe it. It's a very, very bad hair day. Oh, and Miguel is arriving this evening. It's a disaster. Ohhh! It's a catastrophe. I said, it's a catastrophe. HECTOR What is a catastrophe? ANNIE Bridget's hair. HECTOR Oh. BRIDGET

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Episode 12

Football Crazy

ANNIE You know, so-so. BRIDGET Yeah. NICK Where's the tape?

NICK I knew it! I knew it! Oh, poor England, my country. Oh. HECTOR Nick, you can watch the match on video. NICK Oh, I can't bear it. How, Hector, how could you? How could Argentina beat England? Ohh!

BRIDGET Hector's got it. NICK Where's Hector? BRIDGET In your apartment. NICK Oh. Bye then. BRIDGET and ANNIE Bye. Sound of door slamming ANNIE and BRIDGET [Laughing/sound of handclapping] NICK Hi, Hector. HECTOR Nick, my friend, you are back. NICK Is this is the football match? HECTOR Yup. What? NICK You won, didn't you. HECTOR Won what? NICK The football. Argentina beat England, didn't they. HECTOR Nick, I promised you I wouldn't say anything. NICK But I know. You're so happy. HECTOR No, I'm not. HECTOR Hola, Miguel, soy Hector de Argentina! O Bridget acaba de salir. MIGUEL No, quiero hablar contigo. Necesito aprender ingls para Bridget. HECTOR OK, repeat after me - repita conmigo: Bridget, you are so beautiful. MIGUEL "Bridget, you are so beautiful." HECTOR "Bridget, I love your hair." MIGUEL "Bridget, I love your hair." HECTOR "And your smile." MIGUEL "And your smile." Hector, muchas gracias! HECTOR No problem, Miguel. See you later. ANNIE Hector and Bridget! How could they? BRIDGET [Composing email] I love football, especially our gorgeous English players. But I am sorry for Hector, because England beat Argentina. HECTOR Nick, just watch the tape. BRIDGET Oh, I can't wait to see Miguel! I'm going to the hairdresser's to get my hair done for gorgeous Miguel. Bye! Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Hello? MIGUEL Hola, Hector, soy Miguel de Barcelona!

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Episode 12

Football Crazy

ANNIE Argentina did very well against England. BRIDGET Yeah, but not well enough! BRIDGET [Composing email] Well, only a little bit sorry! ANNIE [Composing email] Bridget is having a bad hair today and she is worried because Miguel is arriving this evening.

ANNIE Oh, you know Hector. You know! NICK Yessss! Yesssss! Yessss! We won! We won! We're in the final! Sorry, have I missed something? ANNIE Bridget? Bridget, what's wrong? Why have you got a bag on your head? BRIDGET Ohhh, ohhh! ANNIE Come on, let's take it off. BRIDGET Leave it! ANNIE Is it your hair? Well, but it can't be that bad. BRIDGET It is! ANNIE Oh, come on. BRIDGET Do you promise not to laugh? ANNIE We promise. Don't we. BRIDGET All right then, here goes. ANNIE It's very... nice. Sound of laughter BRIDGET I knew it. I knew you'd laugh. Oh, it's a disaster. And Miguel will be here any moment. Sound of door being knocked

BRIDGET This is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that a Spanish football fan will adore. ANNIE [Composing email] But then I heard Hector talking to Bridget on the phone. He said she was beautiful. HECTOR "Bridget, you are so beautiful." ANNIE [Composing email] I don't understand. Crashing and banging noises HECTOR Annie. An-nie? ANNIE Yes, Hector? HECTOR Are you all right? ANNIE Yes. HECTOR Are you cross about something? ANNIE Oh, why do you think that? HECTOR Oh, Annie, come and sit down. NICK [Watching football match] Aagh/ooh/yes!!! HECTOR Annie, have I done something wrong? NICK [Watching football match] ... ... ... Yessss! Wooohh! ... ... ... HECTOR Well, if you don't tell me, I won't know.

BRIDGET Ahhh! Thats him! Oh! He mustnt see me like this! ANNIE Miguel? Oh, come in! I'll just tell Bridget. Pssstt, Bridget! Miguel's here. BRIDGET I don't want to see him. I can't. ANNIE

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Trust me, Bridget, he will love your hair. BRIDGET Miguel! MIGUEL Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair, and your smile. BRIDGET I love your hair. MIGUEL So, Spain versus England in the World Cup final. Poor old England. NICK On the contrary, my Spanish friend. Prepare to die.

VOICE ON TELEVISION England have the ball. They are heading for gold. And it's... HECTOR Annie? VOICE ON TELEVISION Now, the final... HECTOR Can I ask you something? ANNIE Yes, Hector? HECTOR Have you ever thought about getting married? ANNIE Who to? HECTOR Oh, to someone - someone like - me. VOICE ON TELEVISION ...and he shoots and he scores! NICK I don't believe it! What a match! BRIDGET Oh, Spain played really well. NICK Yeah, but not well enough! BRIDGET Oh, poor Miguel. Speak to me in English again. MIGUEL "Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair and your smile." NICK Is that all he knows? HECTOR Yup, and I taught him.

ANNIE Nick, please ask Hector to pass the crisps. NICK Hector, Annie says can you pass the crisps. HECTOR Ah-ah-ah-ah. Please ask Annie why hasn't she spoken to me for two days. NICK Annie, Hector says why haven't you spoken to him for two days. ANNIE Tell him - hmm! NICK She says - hmm! BRIDGET Shhh! It's starting. VOICE ON TELEVISION ....final between England and their arch-rivals Spain! NICK Come on, England, come on. BRIDGET Come on, Spain. Assorted inaudible comments and noises BRIDGET Go on! VOICE ON TELEVISION ...and here's Spain - and it's a goal! ALL Yes!!/goal!!

ANNIE When? HECTOR On the phone. ANNIE Oh! You were on the phone to Miguel! HECTOR Teaching him English.

Episode 12

Football Crazy

10

Episode 12

Football Crazy

11

ANNIE Oh, silly me. I thought you were talking to Bridget. HECTOR Oh, Annie, there is only one person for me. NICK Me? HECTOR Well? Will you? NICK Will she what? HECTOR Marry me? ANNIE Yes, Hector! Whooping and shouting

Episode 13 Narrative ANNIE [Reading on screen advert] Pet Weddings, the wedding for you and your little friends. Oh, Hector, its perfect! HECTOR Yeah, perfect! ANNIE Oh Hector, you have mail! Ah, and theyre all from your mother. Shall I? HECTOR Yes please, do. ANNIE What do they say? HECTOR Cuntas damas de honor va a llevar Annie? Diez o doce? Well, she says, How many bridesmaids is Annie having? Ten or twelve? ANNIE Ten or twelve?! HECTOR You will like this one Annie. Have you booked Westminster Abbey yet? Im coming to London soon, to help you. ANNIE Oh, Hector! Your mother is very kind but we want a small wedding. She must not interfere! HECTOR Oh, Annie. Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Hola, Mam. MRS ROMERO Hector cario! Recibiste mis e-mails?

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Hector and Annie plan their wedding, Nick is in for a surprise, and guess who's coming from Argentina? EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 12

Football Crazy

Episode 13
12

A Wedding in the Air 1

HECTOR Si, Mam. Mam MRS ROMERO Hector, Quin es el padrino? HECTOR Erm, Nick. MRS ROMERO Es inteligente, trabjador, responsable? HECTOR Si, si. MRS ROMERO Oo perfecto! HECTOR Mam MRS ROMERO Me voy! Donatella Versace est por llegar de un momento a otro. Tiene ideas maravillosas para mi traje para la boda Hasta pronto! Sound of telephone receiver being put down MRS ROMERO Gracias, Antonio. ANNIE Hector, we want our pet wedding, dont we? HECTOR Erm, yes. ANNIE Well she must not interfere any more! HECTOR Its OK. I wont let her come here. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm, you look happy! Man trouble? How is erm, ah, Miguel? BRIDGET Miguel is finished! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh! BRIDGET Its all football, football, football with Miguel.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh! What do you expect from Spanish men?! BRIDGET So I said, Bye, bye, Miguel. Oh and Annie and Hector are so happy. Its weddings, weddings, weddings Ill never find a decent man. Ill just be single for ever! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh rubbish! What you need is a new man in your life! BRIDGET But where can I get one? Oh hi - Bridget here - can I have a new man please? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh - and what about that gorgeous Nick! BRIDGET Nick?! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, hes great as Pierce Steele in London on Fire oh, what a hunk!! BRIDGET But hes EUNICE MOUNTAIN Come on Bridget, you said you want a new man well let me introduce you to the new Nick! I want you to interview him for Stars at 9 on 9! BRIDGET Interview Nick? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ahm. BRIDGET But all he talks about is girls oh and motorbikes. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Forget what he says - ask him to take his jacket off!! Hmm-hmm, here, look at this London on Fire! Enjoy it! Ahm!! Sound of coughing WOMAN Oh Pierce, how can I ever thank you? PIERCE STEELE [Nick] It was nothing! Its all in a days work for Pierce Steele.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 2

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 3

NICK Hi Bridget BRIDGET Oh, hi Nick. Come and sit down. NICK OK. What are you reading? BRIDGET Oh, a magazine about weddings. I love weddings, dont you? NICK Erm BRIDGET The problem is Im always the bridesmaid, never the bride! NICK Oh, wow! BRIDGET Isnt it lovely! NICK Yeah! The Ferrari Testarosa. What a great car! BRIDGET I meant her dress! Do you like it, Nick? NICK Well, it wouldnt suit me! Ha-ha! BRIDGET [Laughs] Nick - youre so funny! I love funny men. NICK I need a drink! Would you like one? BRIDGET And good looking ones. Id love to marry a funny, good looking man. NICK [Makes loud burping noise] BRIDGET By the way, Nick, I saw London on Fire youre very good in it. Episode 13 A Wedding in the Air 4

NICK Really? Did you think so? BRIDGET In fact, I wondered if NICK Yeah ? BRIDGET If you want to NICK Yeah BRIDGET Will you ? NICK Yeah ?!! BRIDGET Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9? NICK Oh yeah. ANNIE [Composing email] Nadia. I really want a small wedding, but Hectors mother keeps interfering. ANNIE She must not interfere, its too much! BRIDGET [Composing email] I dont have any luck with men! Eunice says I should think about Nick. BRIDGET Interview Nick?! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm-hmm. BRIDGET But all he talks about is girls oh and motorbikes. BRIDGET [Composing email] Anyway, Im going to interview him on Stars at 9. BRIDGET Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9? NICK Oh yeah.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 5

Sound of knocking on door DELIVERY MAN Courtesy of Mrs Romero Reception Venues. Sound of knocking on door DELIVERY MAN Courtesy of Mrs Romero Wedding Dresses. Sound of knocking on door DELIVERY MAN Courtesy of Mrs Romero Honeymoons. ANNIE Hectors mother is driving me mad!! Maybe I should just cancel the wedding.

NICK Ha! Who to? HECTOR Well you said she was being very nice to you. NICK No! You dont think?! BRIDGET Annie I have something to tell you. ANNIE What? BRIDGET Nick. ANNIE Nick what? BRIDGET I fancy Nick. NICK Aagh! She did mean me! Oh Hector help! Once youre married theyve got you! ANNIE You fancy Nick? BRIDGET Yes I do, I do! ANNIE But you dont like Nick. BRIDGET I do like Nick. ANNIE No you dont, you think hes an idiot!

BRIDGET Really? Well I wouldnt! I suppose marriage will mean sacrifices. No more shaving your legs on the toilet. No more soaps on TV. ANNIE Oh no!! BRIDGET No more midnight chocolate feasts! ANNIE [Gasps] BRIDGET But then you will be Mrs Romero! NICK Do you think Bridget is ill? HECTOR No why? NICK Shes being very nice to me very nice. HECTOR Well maybe she is ill. NICK Shes talking about weddings, you and Annie. HECTOR You dont think she wants to get married too, do you?

BRIDGET Yes, but hes so macho! ANNIE You think hes vain! BRIDGET But hes so good looking! ANNIE Huh! You dont like his clothes!

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 6

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 7

BRIDGET But now he wears a firemans uniform. ANNIE Ah, so thats it! The uniform. BRIDGET Hes so sexy in London on Fire. ANNIE So, what are you going to do? BRIDGET Tomorrow I will interview him for Channel 9 ANNIE And then? BRIDGET Youll just have to wait and see. NICK Theres one good thing about getting married. HECTOR Yeah, love. NICK No no! The Stag Night! HECTOR The what? NICK The Stag Night. Its when the bridegroom thats you, is taken out by his best man, thats me to say goodbye. HECTOR Goodbye? NICK Yep. Goodbye to your fantastic life as a single man. HECTOR Oh. NICK Goodbye to drinking beer and watching football in bed. HECTOR Oh. NICK Goodbye to eating curry for breakfast. Episode 13 A Wedding in the Air 8

HECTOR Oh. NICK And worst of all goodbye to Kylie Minogue!! HECTOR and NICK Oh!! NICK Dont worry Hector we will face this together! HECTOR Oh thank you Nick you are a real friend! NICK Anyway this stag night! What are we going to do? HECTOR Go to the cinema? NICK Wha ?! In England we do crazy things! We party, we go to Brighton, we dress up HECTOR As what? NICK Women! BRIDGET So, I am here with Nick Jessop or Pierce Steele, straight from the set of London on Fire Nick. NICK Good evening. BRIDGET Do you think London on Fire accurately reflects the pressures on Londons emergency services? NICK Dunno! But the women are good looking! [Laughs] BRIDGET Erm, do you get very hot? NICK When? BRIDGET In the flames, when youre filming. NICK No, not really.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 9

BRIDGET Do you take your jacket off sometimes? NICK Yeah, sometimes. BRIDGET When it gets very hot? NICK Yeah. BRIDGET Do you want to take your jacket off now? NICK Erm, eh, no, not really. BRIDGET Erm, and what about the women? NICK The women? BRIDGET The women you rescue. You carry them out of the house that is on fire. NICK Oh yeah. BRIDGET They must love it! NICK Well they are acting. BRIDGET And do they ask you to ? NICK Do they ask me to what? BRIDGET Take your jacket off. NICK Oh, erm, no. BRIDGET Will you take it off now? NICK Er OK. [Nervous laughter]

BRIDGET Could you carry me?! NICK When?! BRIDGET Now! Carry me like you do on London on Fire! NICK Er OK. BRIDGET Oh youre so strong! This is Bridget Evans with Nick Jessop for Channel 9. Ah! NICK Shall I put you down now? BRIDGET Oh, do you have to?!! Thumping noise/sound of Bridget screaming ANNIE Oh, hi Hector. HECTOR Hi Annie. ANNIE/HECTOR Em, Hector/Annie HECTOR Oh, no, you go first. ANNIE Oh, no, you first. HECTOR OK. Annie, this wedding ANNIE I was going to say this wedding HECTOR Oh, OK, you say it then. ANNIE Oh no you. HECTOR OK, lets write it down.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 10

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 11

ANNIE Good idea. HECTOR Ready? ANNIE Uhuh. HECTOR One, two, three, show! ANNIE Oh, yes Hector, lets wait! This wedding is a nightmare! HECTOR Yeah! ANNIE Lets celebrate not getting married! HECTOR Yeah! ANNIE OK, erm, Im going shopping now, but meet me at Leos Caf at 5pm. HECTOR Ill be there! Sound of kissing

HECTOR Oh no!! ANNIE Meet me at Leos caf at 5pm. HECTOR Annie or Mum? MRS ROMERO Mi avin llega a las cinco a Heathrow. HECTOR Mum or Annie? NICK [Composing email] Bridget is very nice to me, its very strange! BRIDGET Nick, youre so funny! NICK [Composing email] Hector thinks she wants to get married too! NICK Oh-ha! NICK [Composing email] Mm anyway, as best man I am organising Hectors stag night. NICK The stag night! HECTOR The what? NICK [Composing email] We are practising tonight! NICK We dress up! HECTOR As what? NICK Women. BRIDGET [Composing email] But you know, Nick is very cute. NICK Ah-uh! BRIDGET Especially in his firemans uniform!

ANNIE You must tell your mother! Thank goodness shes thousands of miles away in Argentina! Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Hola, Mam. MRS ROMERO Hector, cario. Vengo a Londres! ANNIE Make sure you tell her before she leaves. HECTOR Escucha, Mam Annie y yo... MRS ROMERO Mi avin llega a las cinco a Heathrow. Hasta pronto! MRS ROMERO Gracias, Antonio.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 12

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 13

BRIDGET Oh youre so strong! Sound of plane landing Sound of door opening and closing HECTOR Oh hi Nick, did you have a good day?

HECTOR Hmm. Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Oh. HECTOR Hola, Mam. MRS ROMERO Hector. Dnde ests? HECTOR Mam... hay un problema... MRS ROMERO Oh no importa. Tomar un taxi. Sound of telephone ringing

NICK Gre-at! I saved London again. Oh, and I was interviewed by Bridget. Man, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her! Ha-ha! HECTOR Gre-at. NICK OK, whats up? HECTOR My mother is coming to London. NICK Ooh! Does Annie know? HECTOR No. NICK Oops! HECTOR But we have cancelled the wedding.

HECTOR Hi Annie. ANNIE Hector, where are you? HECTOR Annie, listen! ANNIE Im glad were not getting married! NICK Ha-hmm. So they didnt forget! Sound of vegetables being chopped HECTOR Annie please, listen to me! ANNIE What, or who is more important than me? BRIDGET Tut-tut-tut. First marriage row! HECTOR AND ANNIE We are not getting married! BRIDGET Pardon me!

NICK Wow! Does your mother know? HECTOR No. NICK Whoops! HECTOR It gets worse. I was supposed to meet both of them this afternoon in different places! NICK Ha-ha-ha triple oops! Oh Hector, dont worry. Women always forget.

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 14

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 15

HECTOR Annie, today was difficult, impossible. ANNIE I dont want to know! HECTOR Annie its my mother! ANNIE What about your mother?! Sound of knocking on door MRS ROMERO Heeeres mother!! Hector darling! Mw-mw. HECTOR Hola, Mam. MRS ROMERO Oh, speak to me in English. Ive taken lessons! Where is Annie, wheres my little bride? What a beauty! Hector! Youve kept her beauty a secret! HECTOR No, Mam this is Bridget. This is Annie. MRS ROMERO Oh!! Donatella can help you. HECTOR Annie is the prettiest, sweetiest, kindest girl in the world. MRS ROMERO Really? ANNIE Didnt you tell her the wedding is off? HECTOR I didnt get the chance. ANNIE Well nows the time. HECTOR [Clears throat] Mum. MRS ROMERO Yes.

HECTOR Annie and I have decided to ANNIE Wait a few years before we get married. HECTOR No nos casamos todava. MRS ROMERO No wedding! Oh no!! [Sound of crying] Oh, thank you Bridget. [Sound of crying/nose blowing] Do you have a boyfriend? BRIDGET I hope so, Mrs Romero. MRS ROMERO Oh is he handsome? BRIDGET Yes, hes very handsome and muscular! MRS ROMERO I love macho men. Whats his name? BRIDGET Nick Nick Jessop! MRS ROMERO Nick?! Hectors best man! BRIDGET Yes, thats him. NICK Time to party! HECTOR Mama meet Nick. BRIDGET So, have you booked Westminster Abbey yet?!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA Bridget tries to change Nick. Hectors mother comes to dinner, but why does Annie behave badly? EXTRA dont miss it!

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 16

Episode 13

A Wedding in the Air 17

BRIDGET I want to go out. NICK Oh. BRIDGET So..., what do you do? NICK Kiss you goodbye! BRIDGET No. You open the door for me. NICK Huh? Ah! Because I am the strongest - drrrrrhhhh! Ooh-arrr! Ooharrr! Tarzan!!! ANNIE Oh, come on, Ziggy, we'll be late. HECTOR Is just you and Ziggy doing this protest? ANNIE Yes, but when other people see how important it is, they'll join us. We must stop! Sound of Hectors mobile phone ringing HECTOR Oh, excuse me, Annie. Hola Papa .. .. . . ANNIE Problems? HECTOR What? Oh, no, no, no. No problems at all. ANNIE Oh, look! There's Ziggy. Must dash. HECTOR Have fun! ANNIE This is not fun. This is serious. HECTOR This is serious too! BRIDGET Now, clothes. NICK What? BRIDGET

Episode 14 Narrative NICK Oh, Bridget, this is wonderful. BRIDGET I'm so glad you like it, Nick. NICK I just can't get enough of it. More, more, more! BRIDGET Nick, honey, there's plenty more where that came from. Nick? NICK Yes, Bridget darling? BRIDGET How long have we been together now? NICK Erm... BRIDGET We've been together two days, Nick. NICK Wow! That long? Hmm! BRIDGET Yes, it is a long time, Nick. But if we are to continue our relationship, you must..., will you..., will you treat me like a lady? NICK Bridget darling, just call me Gentleman Nick. BRIDGET Nick! Nick! You must..., there must be more... NICK Snogging! BRIDGET There must be more respect. NICK [Makes belching noise] BRIDGET Oh, Nick. Let's see what sort of gentleman you are. Here's a little test. Follow me. Well? NICK Well, what?

Episode 14

Changes

Episode 14

Changes

I want you more like David Beckham.

BRIDGET Excuse us, Mrs Romero. Come on, Nick, I'm taking you shopping. NICK Uh-uh. BRIDGET Oh? So you want some more acupuncture? NICK OK, OK, I'm coming, I'm coming. BRIDGET And don't forget your money. NICK Pfwoarrr! BRIDGET Oh, you are learning quickly. NICK Pfwoarrr! MRS ROMERO HECTOR Oh, gracias, Mama. MRS ROMERO HECTOR .. NICK [Composing email] Hey, Dan! Guess who I'm going out with? Bridget! At last she realises that I am the one for her! The only problem is, she doesn't like my manners or my hair or my clothes. BRIDGET I want you more like David Beckham. NICK Ah, like this? BRIDGET [Composing email] Chrissy, I've been going out with Nick for two days now and he is perfect for me. NICK Wow! That long? Hmm! BRIDGET [Composing email] Well, when I've changed him a bit, he will be perfect. BRIDGET Oh! You are learning quickly! NICK

NICK Ah, like this! BRIDGET Now where is it? Aha! Here it is. Now come here. NICK Really, Bridget, I don't think... BRIDGET Oh, don't be silly, Nick. There! That's better. Now, we must go deeper. There is a bigger problem. You have a lot of anger in there. NICK Well, yes, I am wearing this stupid hair-band. BRIDGET So we must work on your inner calm. I want to see your chest. NICK Ha-ha-humm!! OK! BRIDGET Lie down. Close your eyes. And relax. NICK Ahhh! BRIDGET Now this may tickle a bit. Ready? Here goes! NICK Yahhhh! BRIDGET Just feel that anger go! Acupuncture never fails. Oh, hi, Mrs Romero. MRS ROMERO Hello, Bridget. Where is Hector? NICK Hello, Mrs Romero. BRIDGET Do you remember Nick, Mrs Romero? NICK Time to party!! MRS ROMERO Nicky! I can't forget him. HECTOR Oh! Hola, Mama! Sorry I'm late. Coffee? MRS ROMERO Oh, yes please.

Episode 14

Changes

Episode 14

Changes

Pfwoarrr! MRS ROMERO .. HECTOR Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mother, when in London, we speak English. MRS ROMERO Yes, we must. English is the language of high class, so I must teach it... HECTOR Learn. MRS ROMERO HECTOR You must learn it, not teach it. MRS ROMERO Oh, yes. So your father has found you a wife. HECTOR He told me. He must stop shopping on E-Bay. Look, Mum, I don't want a wife. I've got Annie. MRS ROMERO This girl is from a good family. HECTOR So is Annie. MRS ROMERO This girl is rich. HECTOR I don't care about money. MRS ROMERO But she's almost royalty. HECTOR Mum, Annie is my princess. MRS ROMERO But she's so... HECTOR She's so clever, so kind, so happy! Annie? MRS ROMERO Very happy! HECTOR What happened? ANNIE Ziggy and I were in a field lying down. MRS ROMERO Sunbathing? ANNIE Protesting. HECTOR And...? ANNIE It began to rain. HECTOR Oh, poor Annie. MRS ROMERO Don't touch her! HECTOR Now listen, Mum, I told you I love Annie. MRS ROMERO Be careful, your pullover. ANNIE Hector, your mother's right. Don't touch me! MRS ROMERO Oh . HECTOR Why did you do that? MRS ROMERO Because I love you, darling. HECTOR If you knew Annie, you would love her. MRS ROMERO Well, I'm going home tomorrow. HECTOR Look, Mum, come to dinner tonight and you will meet the real Annie. And if you don't like her, then..., then I might marry the princess Dad has found. Sound of knocking on door HECTOR Annie? Annie. ANNIE Yes, Hector? HECTOR Can we talk? ANNIE If that's OK with your mother.

Episode 14

Changes

Episode 14

Changes

HECTOR Oh, Annie, she's gone to her hotel now. ANNIE Huh! HECTOR Look, she's going home tomorrow and I thought we would invite her to dinner tonight. ANNIE Well, I'm going out. HECTOR Annie, please don't be silly. Stay and be nice to her. She is OK really. ANNIE Well, OK then. But you must do one thing for me. HECTOR Sure. What? ANNIE Scrub my back. HECTOR Oh, but I am still dressed. ANNIE So am I. Well, I can't put these in the washing machine. They're filthy. ANNIE Umm, apricot? HECTOR No. Annie, will you behave? ANNIE When? HECTOR When my mother comes to dinner. ANNIE Hmm, probably. Strawberry. HECTOR Annie, I have an idea. Nick is pretending to be someone different. BRIDGET Nick isn't pretending. This is the new Nick. Isn't it, Nick. HECTOR You can pretend as well. You can pretend to be what my mother wants. ANNIE

What, Princess Caroline of Monaco? HECTOR Look, Nick is pretending to be what Bridget wants. NICK Yeah. A slave. BRIDGET How can I help? As you can see, I'm a talented stylist. Could I have some more cola, please, sweetie?

HECTOR My mother is coming to dinner tonight. BRIDGET Oh! So what's on the menu? ANNIE I am! NICK What sort of food does your mother like? ANNIE Babies on toast? HECTOR I don't know. A traditional English dish. ANNIE I am not going to pretend to eat meat. NICK How about roast Annie? Ha-ha!! BRIDGET I know. What about sweet and sour prawn balls? Sweet for me... NICK And sour for Hector's mum! BRIDGET Nick, behave. HECTOR Very funny. I will cook dinner. BRIDGET And Nick will look after your mother because he's such a gentleman now. NICK Don't you worry about Mrs R. She'll have a great time. Leave it to me. HECTOR So, Annie, will you pretend?

Episode 14

Changes

Episode 14

Changes

ANNIE OK, Hector. For you, tonight I will pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. BRIDGET Annie, you and I are going shopping.

MRS ROMERO Versace? ANNIE Marks and Spencer's. HECTOR MRS ROMERO Yes ...... BRIDGET Have you enjoyed your visit to London, Mrs Romero? MRS ROMERO I love London. We often visit our friends, Liz and Phil. ANNIE And where do they live? MRS ROMERO Buckingham Palace. NICK There you are, Mrs Romero. MRS ROMERO Oh, you're so handsome, Nick. HECTOR Annie has had an interesting day today, haven't you, Annie. Go on, Annie, tell Mother about your interesting day. ANNIE OK. Well, our GM protest went very well today. MRS ROMERO What's GM? BRIDGET I don't know. Erm, Great Men, a Great Men protest. MRS ROMERO Really? ANNIE It means genetically modified. HECTOR Listen, Mum. ANNIE So, so the farmer came over to see what we were doing... MRS ROMERO Oh, GM, GM! Gorgeous Men! Oooh! NICK Another drink, Mrs R? MRS ROMERO

BRIDGET Its obvious. Urrghh! Too Margaret Thatcher. Hector will love it, but, no. Perfect! ANNIE [Composing email] Nadia, Hector's mother was here again today. Ooohhh! She is so rude to me. MRS ROMERO Don't touch her! ANNIE Your mother's right. Don't touch me! ANNIE [Composing email] Worse still, shes coming to dinner tonight and Hector wants me to pretend to be the perfect girlfriend! BRIDGET No! HECTOR You can pretend to be what my mother wants. ANNIE What? Princess Caroline of Monaco? BRIDGET Perfect! BRIDGET [Composing email] Its working. Im changing Nick into the perfect boyfriend. NICK Yeah. Slave. Assorted background noises HECTOR Wow! Annie! You look great. ANNIE I look 45 years old. HECTOR But my mother will like it. Sound of knocking on door NICK Ah-hah-hah! Snap!

Episode 14

Changes

Episode 14

Changes

10

Oh yes, Nick, please. You have lovely eyes. ANNIE Anyway, he told us to go away and when we wouldn't... NICK There you are, madam. MRS ROMERO Where did you learn your beautiful manners? NICK Oh, I was born with them. MRS ROMERO Sit down.

What do you know? You are not from a good family. ANNIE There's nothing wrong with my family. MRS ROMERO You are not family of beauty. ANNIE Well, anyway, I don't believe that Hector is your son. He's too good-looking. MRS ROMERO Right, that's it. I'm going. HECTOR Mum, Annie didn't mean..., Annie, and Mum didn't mean... MRS ROMERO & ANNIE Yes we did! ANNIE And another thing. You won't need hounds on a hunt. When the fox sees you coming, he'll run. MRS ROMERO Hector, I shall see you in Argentina for your wedding. To our perfect princess. Sound of door slamming

ANNIE And then the police arrested us, but I escaped prison so I could be here tonight. HECTOR [Laughs nervously] It is a joke! Come on, Mum, talk to Annie. MRS ROMERO So Annie, Hector tells me you like animals. ANNIE Oh, I love them, but I don't eat them. I'm a vegetarian. MRS ROMERO How odd. NICK If we cannot eat animals, why are they made of meat then? Ha-ha-ha-ha! MRS ROMERO [Laughing] You're so funny, Nick. But I do love horses. ANNIE Oh yes, they're wonderful.

NICK Well, that went rather well, didn't it! MRS ROMERO Oh, who is this? Hes darling! HECTOR Oh, that's Charlie. Charlie belongs to Annie.... ANNIE Me! He's my baby. MRS ROMERO Isn't he gorgeous. Yes, darling, here's Mummy. NICK [Makes nervous laughing noise] HECTOR Women! BRIDGET So Hector, who's this Latin American princess? HECTOR Er, well, my father wants me to marry her, but I will not, of course. NICK

MRS ROMERO And I love riding. I love your English hunt. Yes, the dogs, the handsome men in red coats. ANNIE The dead fox. MRS ROMERO Yes, the dead fox. ANNIE No! It's cruel. The poor fox. MRS ROMERO

Episode 14

Changes

11

Episode 14

Changes

12

Well, if you don't want her, I'll have her. BRIDGET More wine, Nick! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job as a bouncer. Episode 15 NICK If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in! Huh! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Annie gets a tattoo, and Hector wants to be a tough guy. EXTRA, don't miss it. BRIDGET I love mixing with the stars! Narrative HECTOR Ohh, ohhh! ANNIE Hector, stop being such a baby. HECTOR But it hurts! ANNIE I haven't touched you yet. HECTOR Ohhh. ANNIE Now stay still. You will just feel a little needle prick. HECTOR Oh, go on then. Hurt me, do it! ANNIE Hector! HECTOR Ohhhhh. ANNIE Hector! HECTOR Ohhhhh! ANNIE I've done it. HECTOR Huh? ANNIE I've removed the splinter. HECTOR Huh? Oh, er, yes, I knew that. I was joking. ANNIE What is it, are you scared of needles?

Episode 14

Changes

13

Episode 15

The Bouncer

No, no, no. It's my new name. I am the new man on the door at Ice. HECTOR Who, me? Don't be silly. But it was a very painful splinter. ANNIE OK, so if you're not scared of needles, would you have a tattoo? HECTOR A tattoo?! Yes, yes, I would. ANNIE Go on then, tough guy. HECTOR OK, I'll have one if you have one. ANNIE OK. OK, it's a deal. Oh, by the way, Hector... HECTOR Hmm? ANNIE I had this done this morning. But then, a deal is a deal, isn't it? Sound of door slamming NICK I - want a word with you. ANNIE Tough guy, eh? HECTOR Yeah. What do you want? NICK I - don't. I don't. I... keep forgetting this bit: I - don't - like - your - face. ANNIE OK, so is this for television or theatre? HECTOR Who? NICK The other bouncers. HECTOR Yeah, right. Sound of door slamming NICK Hi, sweetie. BRIDGET Has someone died? NICK No, not yet. BRIDGET Why are you dressed in black then? NICK Because, baby, you are looking at the new man on the door at Ice. BRIDGET You are on the door at Ice?

ANNIE What, you're a bouncer? HECTOR What is a bouncer? ANNIE It's someone who throws people out of night-clubs. NICK Uh-uh-uh. I am an entry executive. ANNIE So you throw people out of the club. NICK Yeah. ANNIE Yeah. Nick, my granny could beat you up. NICK Ah! But if your granny came to Ice and caused trouble, I would have to ask her to leave. Besides, I'd have Knuckles, Cruncher and Muncher to back me up.

NICK Nope. This is real. This is me. ANNIE And you are...? NICK Can't you guess? Guys, you are looking at Muscles. HECTOR Where? NICK

NICK Uh-huh.

Episode 15

The Bouncer

Episode 15

The Bouncer

Did I tell you about the time three people tried to fight me? BRIDGET But that's.., but that's wonderful news! What shall I wear? I'll call the girls to find out what they're wearing. NICK The thing is, Bridget, if your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in. BRIDGET Nick, if my name's not on the guest list, then you can't come home. Sound of mobile phone ringing NICK Hello? Oh! Hi! Yup, that's right. I start on Friday. OK, baby! No probs. Leave it with me. Ciao! [Sound of sniggering/Nick clears throat] My mum. She wants me to do some gardening for her. NICK [Composing email] Dan, guess what?! I've got a new job! I'm a bouncer at Ice! Oh, this club is very trendy, very exclusive! NICK I am the new man on the door at Ice! NICK [Composing email] Hey! When the girls see me on the door they wont want to go in! BRIDGET [Composing email] Nick has got a job as a bouncer at Ice. NICK I - don't - like - your - face. BRIDGET [Composing email] If he doesn't get me on the guest list, he is in big trouble! NICK If your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in. Sound of puffing and panting ANNIE Hector, I just won... What are you doing? HECTOR Oh, just looking for a number. ANNIE Oh, I see. Well, I just wondered if you wanted to share my chocolate with me before Bridget sees it. HECTOR Oh yeah! Great! Thanks. Annie? ANNIE Huh? HECTOR HECTOR Yeah, but the Sanchez sisters were really tough! ANNIE Oh, Hector, you are sweet. HECTOR Annie. ANNIE Hmm? HECTOR Do you think I should be more macho? ANNIE Oh, Hector. You don't have to be a tough guy for me. I love you just the way you are. ANNIE All at once?

HECTOR Yup. ANNIE Really? HECTOR Uh-huh. ANNIE Oh, well, go on. HECTOR Well, three of them, they came at me... ANNIE Oh, you poor thing! And what did they want? HECTOR My sweets. ANNIE Oh. And how old were you? HECTOR Six. ANNIE And they were...? HECTOR Five, three and two. ANNIE Hector! Two years old! They were babies!

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Episode 15

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HECTOR Oh, Annie. ANNIE Come on, let's eat this chocolate before Bridget finds it.

HECTOR I want to be a tough guy, like you. NICK Huh? HECTOR Can you teach me? Please?

HECTOR Oh, please, let me. ANNIE Oh. Oh! Ooh, you're so strong! Oh! HECTOR Ow! ANNIE What is it? HECTOR You are standing on my foot. ANNIE Wimp. Sound of door shutting HECTOR Ah, hi, Nick. NICK Oh, hi. Hey, listen to this. "Bouncer of the month is Alex Smith who last year stopped 955 people from going into his club." HECTOR What is the name of the club? NICK Er, it doesn't say. It shut down last week. Not enough people were going there. HECTOR Nick. NICK Huh? HECTOR What is a wimp? NICK Huh! Well, it's not... Ha-ah-ah HECTOR Annie just called me a wimp. NICK Yeah. NICK Of course. I was born like this, but I can try to help you, Hector, I can try. HECTOR Great. Why don't you show me how to be a bouncer. NICK At - it - tude. HECTOR At - it - tude? NICK Yeah, like this. "Are you looking at me?" HECTOR "Are you looking at me?" NICK "Are you looking at me?" HECTOR "Are you looking at me?" NICK Hey, great! HECTOR So who am I looking at when I say that? NICK Anyone who is looking for trouble. HECTOR Aha! And how do I know they are looking for trouble? NICK You just know. Look. HECTOR What is this? NICK Bridget's old toys! HECTOR What are they doing under your bed then?

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Episode 15

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NICK I was looking after them for her. Anyway, look, here, this is the club. "You - cannot - come in." "Let me in!" "Are you looking at me or chewing a brick, eh? 'Cause either way, you'll lose your teeth." HECTOR Huh? NICK You know - brick, teeth, chew - cha-cha-cha-cha!

BRIDGET Yeah, yeah, yeah. NICK So, Bridget, why are you here?

BRIDGET Hmm, what? Oh, I've brought you some sandwiches.

HECTOR Ah, very good! NICK "You are a very scary guy. Hmm!" HECTOR Yeah. "Look! It's handsome Nick! Ohhh! Ohhh! Look at his muscles. Hmmm!" NICK "Hellooooo! You are looking lovely tonight." NICK & HECTOR Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! .... ... .. . .... . .. HECTOR "Leave my boyfriend alone!" NICK "It's OK, Bridget. I'm just doing my job." ... ... ... ... NICK If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. Huh! Hmm! Please could I have your name, sir? MAN OUTSIDE CLUB What do you want that for? NICK Because if your names not on the guest list, you cannot come in. MAN OUTSIDE CLUB And what are you going to do about it, pip-squeak? NICK I , I MAN OUTSIDE CLUB Shall be a good boy! Aah-aah! BRIDGET Didn't you hear what the man said? He said, "Go. Disappear. Vanish. Evaporate - now!" MAN OUTSIDE CLUB OK, Im going! NICK Sorry you had to see that, Bridget. Course I had the situation completely under control.

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Episode 15

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NICK Oh, Bridget, how nice of you. Huh! Where are they? BRIDGET Where are what? NICK The sandwiches. BRIDGET Oh, I must have left them behind. Never mind! So, who's here tonight?

BRIDGET Yeah, yeah, yeah. NICK [Composing email] Bridget was very impressed, especially as J-Lo is coming next week. NICK J-Lo will be coming! BRIDGET [Whispering reverentially] J-Lo! HECTOR Annie? ANNIE Hmm? HECTOR About the tattoo. ANNIE Hmm. HECTOR Er-hmm. Look. ANNIE Oh! You did it! Ohh, and Hector, what a wonderful tattoo! Oh, I don't know what to say! Oh! HECTOR Oh, it was nothing. And I mean it, Hector and Annie forever. ANNIE Oh, and look! Charley likes the tattoo as well. Oh, Charley! Oh, Hector! HECTOR Oh! BRIDGET Oh, pl-ease. I've just eaten! ANNIE Bridget, look. Hector has had a tattoo done just for me! Oh, isn't it romantic? BRIDGET Hec-ne-ver. Hec-ne-ver? It doesn't sound very romantic. What does it mean?

NICK I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's confidential. Ha-ha-hum. OK, well, there's the usual crowd - Heidi, Kate, Naomi - oops! Sorry, Bridget! I have work to do. Good evening, ladies! Could I have your names, please? Thank you. Just one more thing. Bridget? Arms up, please, ladies. Hmm, you see, hmm, very nice. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies. Have a great evening. All part of the job. BRIDGET OK, Nick. So when is it my turn? I want to go in! NICK Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. I promise. As soon as I can arrange it, I will, hmm? Look, there's a big Latino night next week. J-Lo will be coming. Leave it to me. BRIDGET Oh, thank you, Nick! NICK Oh-oh [clears throat] Stand back. I need to take control. Sound of slow handclap BRIDGET Good! Everything is under control. ANNIE [Composing email] I do love Hector, but I think he's a bit of a wimp. ANNIE Wimp! ANNIE [Composing email] At least Nick has a tough-guy job at Ice! NICK [Composing email] I've started my new job at Ice. NICK Good evening ladies! NICK [Composing email] There was one guy who was looking for trouble, but it was OK. I had everything under control! NICK I have the situation completely under control.

ANNIE What happened? It's coming off! Oh. Charley has licked it off. It's a fake. Hector, you wimp! Sound of mobile phone ringing HECTOR

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Hi, Nick. NICK What's the joke? HECTOR I am.

NICK Erm.... HECTOR Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. MAN What are you looking at? HECTOR I am looking at you looking at her. MAN I can look at her. HECTOR Not when I am looking at her looking at you. NICK I think you mean: Not when I'm looking at you looking at her. HECTOR That is what I said! MAN You know what? I tell you I'm gonna buy her a drink, OK? HECTOR What did he say? NICK I think he said he's gonna buy her a drink. Oh, Hector, no. HECTOR Right, that is it! I am going in! NICK No, Hector, don't. Please... HECTOR Oy, you! Leave my girl alone! Nick! Nick! His mate is chatting up Bridget.

NICK Oh. Listen, J-Lo is coming to Ice tonight, so we need extra bouncers, so you will be working with me on the door! HECTOR But... NICK And tell Bridget and Annie they are on the guest list. OK, tough guy? HECTOR OK. Sound of Annie and Bridget laughing in background Sound of Hector and Nick making assorted macho type noises NICK Hey! Yeah. Good evening, ladies! You are looking lovely tonight. ANNIE Oh, Hector, you look so handsome. I'm sorry I laughed at your tattoo. HECTOR Annie, Annie, Annie, I am on duty. BRIDGET Is J-Lo here yet? NICK She's here. BRIDGET Oh, goodie! I love mixing with the stars. NICK Hi. MAN She's cute. Hi, gorgeous. HECTOR What did he say? NICK Nothing. HECTOR Was he...? [Makes whistling noise]

NICK Right, that's it! I'm going in! Oy, you! Leave my girl alone! Sound of crashing/shouting CLUB MANAGER [off screen] Muscles, you're fired! And so is your friend! NICK That was great! BRIDGET I didn't even see J-Lo. ANNIE

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Episode 15

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13

See, Hector? I knew you weren't a wimp.

COMMENTARY: [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Annie is revising for her exams, Bridget has a make-over and guess who is coming to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 16 Narrative ANNIE Mmm! Chocolate mousse! Mmm! Peanut butter! Mmm! Strawberry yogurt. Nice. Sound of key rattling in lock ANNIE Ow!! HECTOR Ah! Ah! [ Assorted yodelling and clapping sounds] Oh, oh, sorry Annie, exams, I forgot! I wont make a sound. ANNIE Hmm. Sound of crisp packet being opened/crunching noise Tapping sound HECTOR Oh, sorry Annie ANNIE Hector! Stop! Do not eat that apple! HECTOR Oh sorry. You want it, Annie? ANNIE No, Hector! Its too noisy! I am trying to revise! My exams are next week! Oooh! I need some classical music. Sound of soothing classical music in background HECTOR Sorry Annie, I I Assorted scrubbing noises/crashing sound HECTOR Oh, oh, Annie! Help! Help!

Episode 16
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Uncle Nick 1

BRIDGET Annie. ANNIE!! ANNIE Oh! BRIDGET Why is Hector hanging out of the window? ANNIE Oh, poor Hector! HECTOR Aaah! ANNIE Oh! Oh Hector, are you OK? HECTOR Ah, yeah, the window is dirty ANNIE Well then its a job for a window cleaner, not you! BRIDGET Hey guys, look at these. Its pictures of my makeover! HECTOR What is a make-over? ANNIE Its, its when they use make up to turn this into this! Just joking! Bridget, theyre fantastic, you look like a film star! BRIDGET Cameron Diaz, watch out! HECTOR Hah, were you wearing lots of makeup? BRIDGET No. ANNIE Anyway, what are they for? BRIDGET Well Nick wants to be a Hollywood movie star and if he can do it, I can do it!

NICK [Laughing] Really?! You are going to tell George Ducas about me. What, the George Ducas, the Hollywood director? Im going to tell him what a great actor I am. Oh, Victoria, thank you so much! How can I thank you? Oh. Ha-ha. Cant anyone else do it? Yes! Of course I want you tell George about me! No problem. See you later. Ciao. Hah-huh! That was my erm, friend, Victoria Yallop, the really good actress. BRIDGET Yes! Shes a really good actress. Ni-ck, dar-ling. NICK Well, guess what. HECTOR, ANNIE and BRIDGET Shes going to tell George Ducas, the Hollywood director all about you. NICK Yeah, how did you know? HECTOR Lucky guess! BRIDGET And what do you have to do for her? NICK Erm, er, nothing. She wants me to look after something for her. Ha-ha! Sound of knocking on door VICTORIA YALLOP Oh, ha-ha-ha, Victoria Yallop. Nick is expecting me! Nick darling! This must be so much trouble for you! NICK No problem, no problem at all! VICTORIA YALLOP Sw-eet! OK, three rules. No meat, clean underpants in the morning and in bed by eight. Now meet where are you? Come here!

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Uncle Nick 3

Sound of discordant music

NICK Shell be back tomorrow! ANNIE Tomorrow?! Sound of clicking from TV remote control

VICTORIA YALLOP Ah, ah-hah-hah. Nick, meet Lucas. Lucas, say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky! NICK Hi. Buzzing noise NICK Good joke! Sound of laughing

ANNIE Hes very sweet, but what about my exams? NICK He wont be a problem. You wont even notice him. BRIDGET Wed better not.! Ow!! ANNIE [Composing email] Mm, my exams are next week and Im trying to revise. Sound of crisp packet being opened/crunching noise/tapping noise ANNIE [Composing email] But this place is so noisy. ANNIE Hector! Stop! BRIDGET I dont believe it! There is a seven-year-old boy staying with us. Its all Nicks fault! VICTORIA YALLOP Say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky! BRIDGET Ooh! I think theres trouble ahead. Buzzing noise BRIDGET Ooh! Sound of door being opened

VICTORIA YALLOP Well I must dash. George is waiting for me. Dont worry Nick, Im going to tell him all about you! Ha-ha - Lucas, be a good boy for Uncle Nicky-Wicky! Ah dont tell me, Nightmare on Elm Street. [Laughs] Goodbye darling, goodbye! NICK [Laughs nervously] LUCAS Im hungry. BRIDGET Nick, what is going on? NICK Ha, erm, Victorias au pair has run off with the postman! Aaagh! BRIDGET So?! NICK So, shes got no one to look after Lucas. ANNIE So, why cant she look after her own son? NICK Because shes going to meet George Ducas. HECTOR Where? NICK New York. BRIDGET New York?!! Episode 16 Uncle Nick 4

BRIDGET Annie, have you seen these? ANNIE You showed me earlier. BRIDGET No, look its that, that child! [Sound of discordant music] Whats that noise? ANNIE Oh, Lucas is playing ball.

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Uncle Nick 5

BRIDGET Oh, is he? Sound of discordant music LUCAS Oh, youve made me do that. BRIDGET Hes on my bike! ANNIE I know. Just dont go in the bathroom. Sound of discordant music ANNIE I said, dont go in the bathroom. And I, I dont know what hes done with the toilet paper. Charley make whimpering noise ANNIE Oh! Oh poor Charley. LUCAS Im hungry. ANNIE Nick, where have you been? NICK Shopping for Lucas. BRIDGET Nick, you must take control of him. NICK Maybe Im trying! ANNIE Nick, Im trying to work, Im trying to revise for my exams Oh! Ooh! Scraping noise NICK OK, OK, very nice, Lucas. Maybe later? HECTOR I know, lets play games. ANNIE Oh, Ive got Twister.

LUCAS Oh great. ANNIE Oh OK, boys versus girls. Sound of accompanying music HECTOR So, Ill just move my left foot over to you whoa, it is stuck! NICK OK, Ill move my hand. Oh-hey, I, I cant move. BRIDGET Nor can I! ANNIE Oh, whats happening?! NICK Lucas, what have you done? Lucas, come here. Lucas, come on, Lucas Oh please Scraping noise NICK Lucas, Lucas oh!! NICK [Composing email] The good news is that Victoria is going to tell the Hollywood director, George Ducas, all about me! VICTORA Im going to tell him all about you! NICK [Composing email] The bad news is: her seven-year-old son, Lucas, is staying with us. Hes cute, but he is always hungry! LUCAS Im hungry. Im hungry. NICK [Composing email] He likes playing tricks too. BRIDGET [Composing email] I knew Lucas would be trouble! My bathroom is mess, he ruined my makeover photos and he plays the violin badly!

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Episode 16

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Sound of door slamming ANNIE Oh, hi Lucas. Where have you been? LUCAS To the zoo. ANNIE Oh, wheres Nick? LUCAS He had to take the penguin back. ANNIE The penguin? LUCAS Yeah, it must have fallen into my bag. ANNIE Oh. Sound of door slamming HECTOR What are you listening to? I said, what are you listening to? LUCAS Dog HECTOR Oh, can I listen? [Sound of music getting louder] Hey, this is good! Screeching noise ANNIE Aaah! LUCAS So-rr-y! ANNIE Hector!

Jazz type music plays in background HECTOR All good news readers brush their teeth. LUCAS Check. HECTOR Comb their hair LUCAS Check. HECTOR And say goodnight. LUCAS Im hungry. Check. Goodnight. HECTOR Good night sugar plum. [Sound of kissing] LUCAS Yuck! HECTOR Havent you got a girlfriend, Lucas? NICK Oh, girls are wonderful, especially Bridget! LUCAS Girls are yuck, especially Bridget. NICK Yeah well anyway, time for bed. LUCAS Nick, thank you for a lovely day. NICK Well thats OK, little fellow. Well have more fun tomorrow. Night night. Sound of discordant music NICK Hah, hah, sweet kid. Hah. Aah! How does he do that?

HECTOR Lucas! Come here! Lucas, why are you so [buzzing noise] ow!! Hey, thats me! Lucas, do you want to be like me? A news reporter? Well, to be a good news reporter you have to do everything exactly as I do.

Episode 16

Uncle Nick 8

Episode 16

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Change in sound to Bridgets work out music/music stops abruptly BRIDGET Ive had enough of you, you, little grr-grr-grr! Short sequence of music in/out BRIDGET Now, sweetie, that was very good! But Auntie Bridget thinks you should stretch more like this! Would you like a cup of tea? Assorted noises in background NICK Ah-hah! BRIDGET Oh, hi Nick! This is Joe, he was just telling me about window cleaning. NICK So I see! So, you want my girlfriend do you? [Sound of discordant music] Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! Now, ha! Thanks, Lucas! Ha-ha. BRIDGET Nick, Joe, stop! NICK No, he started it! Hah, aah. ANNIE Nick, what are you doing?! JOE Aaah! HECTOR Electric shocks! LUCAS Check! NICK How do you do that? BRIDGET Oh, poor Joe! Oh, I havent paid him! Joe! ANNIE Has Bridget just run off with the window cleaner. HECTOR and NICK Yep! Episode 16 Uncle Nick 10 Episode 16 Uncle Nick 11 VICTORIA YALLOP Cuckoo! Anybody home! Lucas my darling, Im back. Give your mummy a hug! NICK How was George? VICTORIA YALLOP Wonderful! NICK So, did you, erm, tell George about, erm, you know VICTORIA YALLOP You know? What? NICK [Clears throat] Did you tell George Ducas about me? What a good actor I am. VICTORIA YALLOP Oh! Im so sorry darling, I completely forgot! It was all so exciting! Oh, Lucas, youre going to have a new daddy. George and I are going to be married. Im going to be Mrs George Ducas. HECTOR Hey! That means you are going to be Lucas Ducas! VICTORIA YALLOP Lucas, come with me and meet your new daddy. Oh-hah-hah! LUCAS See, girls are yuck! Buzzing noise HECTOR Oh! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new computer, the boys get competitive and Annie gets a surprise. EXTRA dont miss it!

I'm going to buy a new computer for work. NICK Oh! I know everything about computers. BRIDGET Great! I need one with a lot of gigabytes... Episode 17 Narrative ACTOR ON TV Oh darling, no. I'll die without you. NICK He's Robert. He ran away with Jenny. HECTOR Oh no! NICK Thats why she cant marry Lionel. HECTOR Oh, that is so sad. NICK I know. HECTOR But doesn't Jenny know that Lionel is her brother? NICK She had a car accident. She can't remember. HECTOR That is terrible! Ooh! NICK Quick, quick, quick, quick! Go on! Kick it! Kick it! BRIDGET Football! Hi boys. NICK Oh, hi, Bridget. HECTOR Hi, Bridget. NICK Oof! BRIDGET I need your help. NICK Sure. What is it? BRIDGET Episode 17 Cyber Stress 1 NICK Uh-huh. BRIDGET ...good RAM memory... NICK Hmm. BRIDGET ...all the software compatibility and the top processor. NICK Hmm! Maybe this one? HECTOR No, this one hasn't got what she wants. NICK Oh, and you understand what she wants? HECTOR Yeah. You don't? NICK Of course I do. HECTOR Well, so do I. BRIDGET So? Have you decided which one? NICK Who's going to pay for it? BRIDGET It's for work, so they'll pay for it. NICK Oh, [erm,], this one then. HECTOR This one is the most expensive! NICK It's a nice colour. HECTOR Well, it has everything you want. BRIDGET Do you think more SDI sockets, or the analogue input? Episode 17 Cyber Stress 2

NICK Eh-hum. BRIDGET Oh, forget it. I'll order it now. ANNIE [Sound of gasping] Oh, come on, come on! BRIDGET What are you doing out here? ANNIE Waiting for my examination results. BRIDGET Oh, your results are arriving today? ANNIE What have you done to Teddy? BRIDGET Hmm? Oh. Brad Pitt is much more handsome than Teddy. Sound of letters being posted through letterbox ANNIE Oh, where is it? Ah, bill, bill, nothing, nothing, bill... Aha! Oh, its not my examination results. BRIDGET Its from the landlady. ANNIE It says we are too noisy. BRIDGET Noisy? She's written to the wrong apartment. My new computer's here! Well, Nick? Open it. Sound of screaming BRIDGET Were never noisy! Sound of paper being torn up BRIDGET My new computers here! Well, Nick! [Sound of clicking fingers] Open it! NICK Why me? BRIDGET Nails. NICK Whoa! HECTOR & BRIDGET Episode 17 Cyber Stress 3 Episode 17 Cyber Stress 4

Wow! NICK Oh! BRIDGET Anything else? HECTOR Well, it's a very big box. Aha! Aha! BRIDGET What's that? HECTOR Hmm, I think it's the instructions. BRIDGET Great. Have fun. NICK Wait! Where are you going? BRIDGET Shopping. You better have finished when I get back. NICK Better have finished what? BRIDGET Installing the computer. You do know everything about computers, don't you? NICK Hah! No problem. HECTOR Oh! The instructions are all in English. NICK Ah-ah-ah - look. Oh, Hector, here's a Spanish version. Oh yes.... HECTOR Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. NICK Right, let's do it. Or don't you know how to do it?! HECTOR I could do it with my eyes closed! NICK Hah! Well, instructions are for girls! Sound of discordant music NICK Oh yeah! I am the man!! HECTOR Episode 17 Cyber Stress 5

Yeah, but I did all the work. NICK You? Huh! I did it. HECTOR Huh! I am the computer king. NICK Oh yeah? HECTOR Yeah. NICK You think you can beat me? HECTOR Huh! I already did. NICK Computers are easy. How about a real challenge? HECTOR Whatever challenge you like. NICK Right. Hah! Man Olympics. Challenge One: Who can put the most marshmallows in his mouth?! HECTOR Marsh...? NICK ...mallows. Look, one. Hmm! HECTOR & NICK One, two, three, ... four ... ... ... .... BRIDGET [Composing email] Hi, Chrissy! Soon I'll be emailing you on my new computer. BRIDGET Im going to buy a new computer for work. NICK Oh! BRIDGET [Composing email] The boys are helping me and they seem to know everything about computers. HECTOR No, this one hasn't got what she wants. NICK Oh, and you understand what she wants? ANNIE [Composing email] Nadia, I don't know whether I've passed or failed!

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Cyber Stress

ANNIE Come on, come on! ANNIE [Composing email] If I dont know my examination results soon, I will go crazy! ANNIE Oh where is it?!! NICK How about a real challenge? NICK [Composing email] Ten! Ten marshmallows I stuffed in my mouth two more than Hector. HECTOR One. NICK [Composing email] He's not the man. I am. By the way, do you know anything about computers? NICK Well, instructions are for girls! ANNIE [Puffing and blowing noises/sound of paper being rustled] BRIDGET What's that? Love letters? ANNIE No, I've got all the letters delivered to this building. BRIDGET You've got the neighbours' letters? ANNIE Uh-huh. I'm sure my examination results are here. BRIDGET Where are the boys? Ohhhh, they've installed my computer! ANNIE I think so. Sound of toilet flushing BRIDGET Is that normal? ANNIE Bridget!! BRIDGET Nick? Hector? What are you doing? NICK Man Olympics. Challenge Two. BRIDGET What kind of a challenge? Episode 17 Cyber Stress 7

NICK Who can go the longest without, you know.... [sound of whistling] BRIDGET Falling down? Sneezing? Jumping? HECTOR No, no. Without going..., without doing..., BRIDGET Ohh! You want to spend a penny? HECTOR Spend a penny? I don't want to go shopping! NICK No, no, no. She means... [sound of whistling] BRIDGET Stop thinking about your challenge and follow me. ANNIE Maybe I've passed! [Sound of musical fanfare] Maybe I've failed. [Sound of low key music/burping noise] Sound of door opening/closing BRIDGET You're not going anywhere until it works. NICK Ooh! Oh, no! HECTOR Here, let me try. NICK Oh, you think you can do better. HECTOR I know I can do better. NICK Huh!! HECTOR I know a way from my country. NICK Really? HECTOR Really. My father taught me. Banging sound NICK Hmm. Yes, we have that way in England too. Banging sound ANNIE Episode 17 Cyber Stress 8

Oh, hi guys. NICK Hi. Damn! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Hooo!

NICK New challenge: to get as many girls to call us as possible. Luckily my sister Mel has got loads of friends, so Hector does not stand a chance!

Assorted banging/buzzing/screeching noises BRIDGET Oh no! What happened? NICK It was like that before. BRIDGET It was not like that before. NICK Sorry. BRIDGET What are you doing? HECTOR Man Olympics. Challenge Three. Dialling sound/mobile phone BRIDGET Hi, I need a man. No, you idiot! I need a man to fix the computer I bought. Tomorrow? Good. And I'd like him to be tall, dark, handsome. Great, thanks. Bye. At last, a real man. BRIDGET [Composing email] Chrissy! I had to call a man to repair my new computer! BRIDGET Hi, I need a man. BRIDGET [Composing email] Its crazy! What happened to it? NICK It was like that before. BRIDGET [Composing email] I think Nick and Hector know. BRIDGET It was not like that before! NICK Sorry. Grrr! Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. BRIDGET Grrr! NICK [Composing email] Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. Huh!

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Sound of phone ringing BRIDGET Oh, it's Nick's phone.

BRIDGET The computer man! Well, hello there. Come in! POSTMAN But... BRIDGET I know what you're going to say. POSTMAN But.... BRIDGET It was like that when I bought it. So what do you think? POSTMAN It looks broken. BRIDGET Well, can you repair it? POSTMAN No. BRIDGET You can't repair it? POSTMAN No. BRIDGET You don't know how to? POSTMAN No. BRIDGET Well, how can you be a repairman then? POSTMAN I'm not. BRIDGET You're not a repairman? POSTMAN No. BRIDGET Well, what are you then? POSTMAN I deliver special letters. ANNIE My letter! Oh! POSTMAN Annie Taylor? ANNIE Yes! Cyber Stress 11 Episode 17 Cyber Stress 12

RECORDED MESSAGE You have 23 new messages. Message 1: Hi bro, I've got all my friends to call you. Oh, I hear you and Bridget are history. That's great news. I didn't like her anyway. Message 2: Hi, Nick. Izzie here. Melanie asked me to give you a call. I hear you and Bridget are history. Sound of phone ringing BRIDGET Hello, what? Nicky Wick-wick is not here. Oh, is that Emma? Nick's told me all about you. Yeah. You and your moustache. Sound of phone and mobile ringing simultaneously BRIDGET Arrggh!Nick! Sound of knocking on door ANNIE Mr Postman? HECTOR Man Olympics, Challenge Five. NICK Yeah. Ooh, errgghh, tug-of-war to see who is the strongest..., aahh, errghhh, oohhh. NICK & HECTOR Aaah!! Ooohh!! BRIDGET They had a tug-of-war here? ANNIE Yes. They are so stupid! BRIDGET Who won? ANNIE I won. BRIDGET What's wrong? ANNIE I want my examination results. Oh, where's the post? BRIDGET Calm down. Sound of knocking on door ANNIE The postman!

Episode 17

POSTMAN This is for you. ANNIE Ohhhh! Yes! Ohh! Sound of door being opened NICK Man Olympics, new challenge. First one to get - ti-ti-ti-ti - Annie's letter! Barn dance style atmospheric music ANNIE It's mine! Oooh, I can't look! You read it. HECTOR Pass! Sound of knocking on door COMPUTER REPAIRMAN [= PETER] Computer problem, miss? I can fix anything. BRIDGET My hero! Oh, thank goodness you're here. HECTOR, NICK, ANNIE & BRIDGET Aaah! HECTOR Oh, how did he do that? ANNIE Peter? PETER Annie? ANNIE It is you! PETER Yes! ANNIE Oh, he's Peter, an old friend. Oh, it was so clever of you to fix the computer. BRIDGET Good-looking and intelligent. A rare combina....tion. NICK Right! That's it! Man Olympics! HECTOR New challenge. PETER What challenge?

NICK Lets see who the real men are. Hector and me, or you two. POSTMAN OK PETER What's the challenge? ANNIE Let us decide. BRIDGET Yes, we'll decide. Sound of drumming COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Annie gets a new job, so does Hector, and why does Nick become a beauty queen? EXTRA, don't miss it.

Episode 17

Cyber Stress

13

Episode 17

Cyber Stress

14

HECTOR One of who? NICK Annie is going to be a traffic warden. Episode 18 Narrative ANNIE "Dear Miss Taylor, Thank you for your recent CV, but at present we haven't got anything to suit your talents." Ohh! "Dear Miss Taylor, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah." How surprising - blurrrhh. Grrrr! What is the point of all that studying if I cannot get a job? Right, last one. Paws crossed, Charley. "Dear Miss Taylor..." NICK What is the point of having a car if you cannot park? ANNIE "Thank you for your recent letter." NICK She's got four eyes and reptile skin. ANNIE "We are very pleased to tell you..." NICK She sees your car... ANNIE "...that you have been successful..." NICK ...she slides over to it. She's got you! ANNIE "...in your application as a..." NICK Oh yes, she is the.... NICK & ANNIE Traffic warden! NICK Correct. ANNIE What? NICK Ive just got a ticket. ANNIE I've just got a job! NICK Ohhh! As a traffic warden? Annie, you'll be one of them. ANNIE Well, I have to pass the entrance exam first. HECTOR What is a traffic warden? NICK Someone who spoils your day. ANNIE A traffic warden is someone who stops stupid people parking their stupid cars in stupid places. NICK See? It's started. HECTOR Hmm, I didn't know you wanted to be a traffic warden. ANNIE I didn't know either, but no one else would have me. HECTOR Awww. ANNIE But it is good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads. HECTOR So you will have another exam? ANNIE Yeah, another exam. NICK Ah, well, don't worry. I can help. I've got experience of traffic wardens. OK, Hector, you can be the driver and I will be the traffic warden! HECTOR OK. NICK You can't park there. HECTOR Yes, I can. NICK No, you can't. HECTOR Yes, I can. NICK No, you can't.

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

HECTOR Yes, I can, because this is a bus stop and I am driving a bus. Beep-beep! NICK Oh, the excuses I hear. HECTOR Oh, sorry, sorry. Emergency appointment. Bad leg. NICK Ohhh. Which leg? HECTOR No, no, no, it's not me. It's my hamster. NICK Ohh, sweet. HECTOR Huh? Oh, oh, sorry, Eric! Eric? Er-hem, surely we can come to some arrangement? NICK Oh, of course we can, sir. You can pay for the ticket, I can go home for my tea. HECTOR Sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there was no place to park. But surely we can sort this out? When a beautiful woman meets a handsome man. NICK Well, you're in my little black book now, darling. HECTOR Rrrrrrr! Hey, I've only been two minutes! NICK Well, I have started, so I'll finish! HECTOR Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Sorry, I got stuck up a chimney, ha-ha-ha-ha! NICK Yes, and there are fairies at the bottom of my garden, sir. HECTOR Rudolf! Rudolf!! NICK See? Now you know what to expect. ANNIE I can't wait. BRIDGET Late ironing - penalty 20. Late washing-up - penalty 5. Oh, Annie. I need a drink. I don't believe it. She's clamped the fridge. HECTOR Did you have a good day, Bridget?

BRIDGET Yes, I did. NICK Why is the TV moved? BRIDGET Oh? Annie towed it away this morning. No licence. NICK Oh. BRIDGET Really, Hector, you must talk to her. She's too serious about this traffic warden exam. HECTOR I do try, but if I stop to talk to her, she gives me a parking ticket! BRIDGET Anyway, exciting news. Channel Nine is presenting the Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest. NICK Wow! BRIDGET And guess who Eunice wants to present the show? HECTOR Me! BRIDGET You, Hector! I could enter the contest myself, but I might... NICK Frighten the judges? BRIDGET ...Win. The programme will need my expertise. NICK And mine! BRIDGET So will you present the show, Hector? HECTOR When is it? BRIDGET Next Friday. HECTOR Oh, that's the day of Annie's exam. NICK Ooh, a double contest then! BRIDGET But you'll be OK. I'll help you. NICK

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

Oh, think of those babes! BRIDGET It's my job to give you all the information about the girls, so nothing can go wrong. HECTOR Well, OK then. BRIDGET Good, great. NICK So, when do we start? BRIDGET We? NICK Well, Hector will need an interpreter to help him talk to all those babes. BRIDGET Nick, you're not getting involved in this show. NICK [Composing email] I got a parking ticket today. Traffic wardens - grrrr! NICK What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?! ANNIE [Composing email] I'm going to be a traffic warden! HECTOR What is a traffic warden? NICK Someone who spoils your day. ANNIE [Composing email] It's a very important job. It's good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads. HECTOR Oh, sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there wasn't a place to park. ANNIE [Composing email] There are some very stupid people out there. HECTOR Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! BRIDGET [Composing email] Exciting news from Channel Nine. The Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest. NICK Wow! BRIDGET And guess who Eunice wants to present the show? HECTOR Me! Episode 18 Just the Ticket 5 Episode 18 Just the Ticket 6 ANNIE You, Hector!

BRIDGET [Composing email] Hector is presenting it, but he'll be OK, because the contestants are my responsibility. Nothing can go wrong. HECTOR Well, OK then. BRIDGET Great.

NICK And so am I! BRIDGET Nick, I said no. Audience applause BRIDGET Cue Hector. HECTOR Good evening and a very warm well...come to Channel Nine's Eurobabe Contest live! BRIDGET Yes, OK, get on with it! HECTOR Have we got some lovely ladies for you tonight. Have we? BRIDGET Yes, of course we have. HECTOR Oh, oh, yes, yes, we have. Of course we have. So let's meet our lovely contestants eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe Crown! BRIDGET Nick, get off now. Nick! Get off now! If you don't get off by the time I count to three, I will cut off your ears! One - two... HECTOR Comedy, ha-ha-ha-ha! BRIDGET Cue, Miss Sweden HECTOR So let's meet our first contestant! Miss Swedenbabe! .. ... .. ... Miss Swedenbabe! Ha-ha-ha!

ANNIE You have a very difficult job. You are right. But a very important job. Oh, thank you, sir. No, I mean it. I know, but Ive still got to give you a ticket. That's OK. It's your job. There you are, sir. Have a nice day! Thank you. And you. How nice to meet a reasonable customer. Assorted puffing noises BRIDGET Why are you dressed to go to war, Annie? ANNIE I'm going for my traffic warden exam. BRIDGET Are you expecting trouble? ANNIE There are a lot of difficult motorists out there. Oh. What have you got there? BRIDGET It's the information for the Eurobabe contestants. ANNIE Oh. BRIDGET Hector must learn what each girl likes and dislikes. ANNIE Anything interesting?

BRIDGET This is why I didn't want you here. What's that? Miss Englandbabe is where? She's been clamped? Well, tell her to get a taxi then. She won't leave her Porsche? I'll come and get her. Who's going to do this? Listen to me. You have one simple job. You must tell Hector who each girl is. Their names are on these cards. Got it? Do not mess it up. NICK Who, me? HECTOR Thank you, Miss Swedenbabe! NICK Miss Finlandbabe! HECTOR Miss Finlandbabe! ... ... ....., Miss Finland baby! Oh! ... ... Well, good luck with the elephants! Thank you, Miss Finland baby!

BRIDGET Let's see. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. Aha! This one's different. Miss Holland Babe. She likes reading and her ambition - is to learn to read. Oh, here's another one. Miss Belgium Babe. Her ambition is to go to the moon. ANNIE But she doesnt like flying! Well, it should be an exciting show! BRIDGET I hope so. Well at least Hector is ready for it!

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

It's all going wrong. He better think of something - fast. NICK Miss Spainbabe! BRIDGET Think of something, Nick, and fast! NICK [Composing email] Guess what? Hector and I are working on the Miss Eurobabe Contest! Wow! All those babes! Bridget has left me in charge. She's a bit emotional, I think. One problem: there is no Miss England babe. NICK Shes a bit emotional, I think. NICK [Composing email] One problem - there is no Miss Englandbabe. BRIDGET She's broken a nail. NICK Ooh, nasty. NICK [Composing email] But I think I have the solution. HECTOR And we come to our last contestant in this fantastic Eurobabe Contest! Last but not least, it is..., it is.... oh! Of course! It is Miss Englandbabe! Welcome, Miss England. Welcome. NICK Thank you, thank you. HECTOR Well, let's find out about you. You like pizzas.... NICK Uh-huh. HECTOR ...rock 'n roll and motorbikes. My kind of girl! And dancing with women. I think you mean 'men'. Dancing with.... BRIDGET Nick! Sound of applause BRIDGET What do you think youre doing? NICK Well, you said you needed a Miss Englandbabe fast. BRIDGET I meant a woman. ANNIE Ooh, nice legs, Nick.

HECTOR Miss Spainbabe! .., Miss Spainbabe. Oh, you are not Miss Spainbabe. .... .... Oh...., oh..., oh. So Miss Italybabe, it says here that your hobbies are children and animals. Fascinating. ANNIE ... ... ... of London. Yes! It's your favourite traffic warden. It's me! I passed! Oh, where is everybody? Ohhh, the Eurobabe Contest. HECTOR Well, good luck with the dolphins. Thank you, Miss Italybabe! Miss Hungarybabe!! .... ... ... ...., Miss Hungarybabe! Are you hungary? Are you hungary? Oh, you are not Miss Hungarybabe. So welcome, Miss Ono. Bienvenue, Miss France baby. La belle. Sound of door slamming BRIDGET How's it going? NICK Very well, no problems. She's a bit emotional, I think. BRIDGET We've got big problems. Miss Englandbabe will not come here. She's broken a nail. NICK Ooh, nasty. BRIDGET But we've got to have a Miss Englandbabe. We are in London. Yes, Eunice? Right away, Eunice. Eunice wants to see me - now. Think of something, Nick, and fast! BRIDGET [Composing email] The good news is: Hector is doing a fantastic job presenting the Miss Eurobabe Contest. HECTOR Eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe crown! BRIDGET [Composing email] The bad news is: Miss England babe is not here. BRIDGET Miss Englandbabe is where? BRIDGET [Composing email] Her Porsche got clamped, Eunice wants to see me and Ive had to leave Nick in charge! NICK Miss Spainbabe! BRIDGET [Composing email] Episode 18 Just the Ticket 9

NICK Thanks, Annie. Episode 18 Just the Ticket 10

BRIDGET Hi, Annie.

HECTOR Thank you Miss Englandbabe. Oh, and next, we find out why our babies want to represent their country. ANNIE There are beautiful women everywhere. NICK I know! BRIDGET Miss Englandbabe is still missing! What are we going to do? Eunice said she'll fire me if I don't find someone. ANNIE Oh, no! No. BRIDGET Bingo! NICK Hey! HECTOR Oh, I hear we have a replacement for our last contestant. It is the new Miss England babe! So tell me, Miss England baby, why do you want to represent your country? ANNIE I want to represent England because I care about the environment, pollution. I care about people. And I have great legs! Sound of applause/whistling HECTOR And the winner of the Channel Nine Eurobabe Contest is... Miss England baby! Congratulations, Annie! You did it! You are the most beautiful traffic warden in Europe! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job in a kung fu movie, Bridget nearly loses her job, and what happens when Annie meets a new man? EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

11

Episode 18

Just the Ticket

12

BRIDGET Not an English idiot. HECTOR OK Nick, now is your turn. NICK Hmm ah. Sound of cans being shaken HECTOR And this is an old English tradition ! Sound of laughter NICK You need a shower! HECTOR I think I already have had one! Sound of laughter/telephone rings NICK Ha-ha, Hector, I tell you, this is a very old English tradition. HECTOR Really? NICK Really. Now, put your blindfold on. No looking, OK? ANNIE What is Nick doing? Sound of drink cans being moved on kitchen work surface BRIDGET You know, being a genius! NICK Right. Right, now you can choose one. HECTOR Aaah!! [Sound of can being opened] Sound of laughter ANNIE Nick, what are you doing? Our floor! NICK Well we must teach Hector how to be English. NICK Ye-ah, Wicky-Chung. Wooh! BRIDGET I always knew youd make it to the top! NICK Thatll be for me! ANNIE How do you know? Hello. Oh, Yes, it is for you, Nick. NICK Naturally. Hello. Oh hi. Yeah. Yeah!! Really, great! Ill prepare for it! Bye. ANNIE Nick, why do you always use our number. Youre so, so BRIDGET Idiotic, stupid, vain, choose one. NICK I have just got an audition for the new nwa!! - Ricky Chung film! BRIDGET As I was saying, youre so clever, wonderful, brilliant. Ricky Chung.

Episode 19 Narrative BRIDGET Ricky Chung so sexy! ANNIE Ricky Chung? BRIDGET You know. [Makes Kung Fu style noises] ANNIE I hate violence. BRIDGET I hate violence too but I love Ricky Chung.

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 1

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 2

BRIDGET Ricky Chung. Nicks going to be in a film with Ricky Chung! ANNIE Wait a minute. He only has an audition. BRIDGET Oh, Im sure hell get it, then I can interview Ricky Chung Sound of Kung Fu style noises BRIDGET Ah, maybe Rickyll fancy me. ANNIE You?! In your dreams! BRIDGET Ricky and Bridget. Houses in London, Hong Kong ANNIE Yeah, youll have a house in London and hell have a house in Hong Kong! BRIDGET I should get an oriental style, new clothes, come shopping with me? ANNIE I cant. BRIDGET You cant come shopping? ANNIE I have a group meeting. Animal lovers against violence. BRIDGET And is Hector going with you? ANNIE Ah, Hector. BRIDGET What about Hector? ANNIE Well, Ive been thinking about our relationship. HECTOR Ow! ANNIE Wimp!! HECTOR But Hectors a good man! He ironed your trousers! Episode 19 Kung Fu Fighting 3

ANNIE Yes. Yes he did. Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Hello. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, hello Bridget. How are you? BRIDGET Eunice! Erm, very well, thanks. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh good. Erm, Channel Nine has to lose people. BRIDGET I know. I heard. EUNICE MOUNTAIN And, guess who is the first person to go?! BRIDGET Who? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Yo-u! Youre fired. Ciao! BRIDGET Oh wait, oh bu, but-but-but Im getting an interview with Ricky Chung! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh. Ricky Chung, hmm. Mm, if you get the interview, you keep your job. No pressure. Sound of door being opened HECTOR Hi Annie. Ive just been watching Charlottes Kitchen on television. ANNIE Oh, not again! HECTOR Look, Ive made you a cake. ANNIE A cake? HECTOR Ahm.

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 4

ANNIE Really? HECTOR Aha. Here, try a piece. ANNIE Oh, OK. [Sound of crunching] Whats this? HECTOR Flower. ANNIE Flower? HECTOR Ahm. ANNIE Why? HECTOR Well Charlotte said you have to put some flour in the cake. ANNIE [Sighs] No Hector. Some flour. Some flow-ers! HECTOR Well still, hmm, tastes good, doesnt it, uh? NICK Hey, Hector, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film! HECTOR Wow! NICK Wow, yeah! HECTOR Yeah! NICK Superb! HECTOR Superb! NICK Wooh! HECTOR One question. NICK Ay? Episode 19 Kung Fu Fighting 5

HECTOR Who is Ricky Chung? NICK You know Ricky [makes Kung Fu style noise] HECTOR Oh, Ricky Chung. NICK Yeah! HECTOR I know him! NICK Ah! HECTOR He was in the Chinese restaurant NICK No, no, no! Look I will show you Ricky nwa! Chung! Assorted noises from Kung Fu film on TV NICK So, will you help me to prepare? HECTOR I would love to! NICK [Composing email] You wont believe this, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film! NICK Nwa! - Ricky Chung film. NICK [Composing email] Look out Hollywood: Nicks your new man! NICK Superb! HECTOR Superb! NICK Ooh! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector did a stupid thing today. He baked a cake with a flower inside it! ANNIE Whats this?

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 6

HECTOR Flower. BRIDGET [Composing email] Yes! Im going to interview Ricky Chung! The Ricky Chung. BRIDGET Then I can interview Ricky Chung. BRIDGET [Composing email] Ah, we are made for each other. I love everything oriental and he will love everything about me! BRIDGET Ricky and Bridget! RICHARD I hate violence, violence makes me sick. ANNIE Wonderful! I totally agree, Richard. RICHARD But I love animals. ANNIE I love animals too! You must come and meet my dog, Charley. RICHARD We have so much in common. ANNIE I know! [Sound of laughter] Sound of door opening and closing ANNIE Hector, come and sit down. I think we should talk. HECTOR OK. What do you want to talk about? ANNIE I think we should see other people. HECTOR See other people? ANNIE Ahm.

HECTOR But I see other people. I see Bridget, I see Nick, I see the postman. ANNIE No, I mean we should see other people. HECTOR Oh. Fine! Sound of door opening and closing BRIDGET Hey guys, help me prepare my interview with Ricky Chung! ANNIE Bridget, its not a good time. HECTOR No, no, it is a very good time. Sit down, Bridget. BRIDGET So, you are Ricky Chung. HECTOR I am Ricky Chung. BRIDGET Yes. HECTOR And who are you? BRIDGET [Laughing]] Im me, silly! BRIDGET & HECTOR [Laughing] BRIDGET So, Ricky. HECTOR Ahm. BRIDGET What kind of women do you like? ANNIE Well, I like beautiful women like you. BRIDGET Cor-rect answer! And tell me, Ricky, do you have a girlfriend now?

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 7

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 8

HECTOR Well, erm BRIDGET Sweetie HECTOR Erm BRIDGET Oh, Ricky. Atmospheric noise

NICK Erm, no, hah! Oh thanks, must go. Its my audition. Sound of door slamming Further sound of door slamming Assorted Kung Fu style noises CASTING DIRECTOR OK Nick. OK Nick, lets see what you can do. Assorted noises CASTING DIRECTOR Excellent, excellent! NICK What? CASTING DIRECTOR Youve got the part.

NICK Hector, hold this. Aaah-yeow-aw!! Hah! Right! Now I want you to attack me. HECTOR Attack you? NICK Yeah. Slapping noise NICK Not now.

NICK I have? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! CASTING DIRECTOR Next. Atmospheric music RICKY CHUNG Hey baby. BRIDGET Oh! Nick.

HECTOR So when? NICK It must be a surprise. HECTOR Why? NICK So I must always be ready. NICK & HECTOR Aah! Slapping noise

NICK You are looking at the new Ricky Chung! BRIDGET Oh-ho-ho- oh Nick, thats wonderful! Oh, Ricky, Ricky Chung! Sound of drum roll/shouting/thumping noises

NICK Good, very good! Aha! I am feeling good! Ah, yes! Im feeling fit!! Ay yeaw!! ANNIE Nick, are you being violent?

NICK What are you doing? Are you crazy? HECTOR But you told me to attack you.

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 9

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 10

NICK But not now not now! Ah!! Sound of drum roll NICK Amateurs! BRIDGET So, when can I? NICK What?! BRIDGET Meet him! NICK Who? BRIDGET Ricky Chung!

NICK [Composing email] Not now, Hector! HECTOR So when? Atmospheric music NICK Mm, Ricky Chung. Hi, Im Nick. CASTING DIRECTOR Oh Nick, Ricky never talks at work. NICK Oh, ah, very professional. Hah, so what do you want me to do? Hah! CASTING DIRECTOR You stand still. NICK OK. Assorted thumping noises/groaning CASTING DIRECTOR Excellent. NICK What is this?! CASTING DIRECTOR This is your role. NICK Bu-bu-but, we are partners! CASTING DIRECTOR Partners? NICK Yes, we, we fight the criminals together. CASTING DIRECTOR No, no, no, you play the stupid friend! NICK The stupid friend?! CASTING DIRECTOR Exactly. NICK Oh.

NICK Oh. ANNIE [Composing email] Nadia, I have great news! I met a new man Richard. He is so sweet. He hates violence and loves animals! RICHARD But I love animals. ANNIE I love animals too! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector Oh, well, Hector is Hector! ANNIE Ah Hector. NICK [Composing email] I cant meet you today, Dan, I have to practise. You have to be very professional to work with Ricky Chung. NICK I am feeling good NICK [Composing email] Hectors helping me to prepare. NICK Owww!

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 11

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 12

CASTING DIRECTOR Right, lets try it again. Ricky, action. Assorted atmospheric noises BRIDGET So how was your first day with Ricky? NICK Great! We get on very well. BRIDGET There must be so much to learn. NICK Oh yeah! I taught Ricky a lot today. BRIDGET Ricky! Ah! Sound of drum roll/atmospheric noises/thumping/shouting CASTING DIRECTOR OK, Nick, bend over. NICK Excuse me? CASTING DIRECTOR I said, bend over. NICK I thought so. Ah-ah. Hmm. Ow!! Ah-ah! Sound of ambulance siren NICK Hello nurse! Could I have a bath please? Sound of curtain being drawn back NICK Oh, ha, hi Bridget. Ow! BRIDGET So, when can I meet Ricky? NICK Erm

BRIDGET No Ricky? No interview. No interview no job! Ow!! ANNIE Oh, poor Nick! RICHARD [Ricky] Nick, how are you feeling? NICK Rick?! ANNIE Richard? RICHARD Annie? ANNIE Well what are you doing here? This is Richard. I met him at my protest group. BRIDGET Ah! Ricky Chung!! Oh please, please can I have an interview?! ANNIE Bridget, this isnt Ricky Chung, this is Richard. NICK No, no, no, this is Ricky Chung. ANNIE Richard? RICHARD Ricky Chung is my film name. ANNIE But, I thought you hated violence. You lied to me, Ricky! Sound of drum roll/Kung Fu style noises HECTOR I brought you some cake. NICK Thanks, Hector. ANNIE Oh Hector, will you forgive me? HECTOR Of course.

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 13

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 14

BRIDGET How fascinating. Anti-violence, and a Kung Fu star! Oh, itll make a great interview! Eunice will love it! And so will I!!

Episode 20 Narrative NICK Charley, look at that! Hah! HECTOR Hola, Charley. NICK Ugh! HECTOR Whats wrong? NICK Shaving cream! Whipping cream! Hector HECTOR Ah? NICK Next time you go shopping kitchen/bathroom, OK. HECTOR Bathroom/kitchen, got it. NICK Hmm. HECTOR What are you watching? NICK Ha! Its a dog show. Oh I like that! HECTOR I didnt know you liked dogs. NICK Ha? I dont like dogs. I like those women with their dogs. Sound of Charley barking NICK Oh, oh, Charley likes the dog huh-huh! Hah! The lady dogs!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Charley enters a dog show, Bridgets got a new boyfriend and guess whos in trouble with the police! EXTRA, dont miss it!

Episode 19

Kung Fu Fighting 15

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 1

Laughter VOICE ON TV You can enter the dog show this year and win two thousand pounds!! Sound of applause NICK What? Hector, slap me. Slapping noise NICK How much did she say? HECTOR Two thousand pounds. NICK Whoo-hey! We must enter this dog show with Charley. Sound of camera shutters clicking HECTOR All right, lets do it! NICK Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Oh no! ANNIE Hello! Earth to Bridget, EARTH TO BRIDGET! BRIDGET! What are you looking for? BRIDGET Erm, my new tee shirt, Im meeting my boyfriend ANNIE What? Whoa-whoa-whoa! What boyfriend?! BRIDGET Oh! [Clapping noise] My new boyfriend! ANNIE Tell me everything. BRIDGET Well, his names Philip, hes very elegant and erm, NICK Hey, hey, hey, hey Annie weve had a really- good -idea!

HECTOR Wait, careful. NICK [Makes yawning noise] HECTOR Weve just seen a dog show on TV. NICK Oh yeah, thats right, a really good dog show. NICK & HECTOR Mmm. HECTOR Do you like dog shows, Annie? ANNIE I hate them! They are cruel! NICK Not all dog shows, Annie. ANNIE Yes, Nick all dog shows. They are, they are horrible. You have to respect animals. HECTOR Yeah-yeah, yeah. NICK Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you are so right Annie, hmm, hmm, hmm. Sound of door closing HECTOR So what shall we do? NICK We will have to train Charley ourselves without Annie knowing hah, ha-ha-ha. HECTOR Ha-ha-ha oh! NICK Hey! HECTOR Hey! NICK Forget that, read this. HECTOR What? How to train your dog. Episode 20 2 Every Dog has its Day 3

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day

NICK Now, we can train Charley. Charley, here boy! HECTOR Sit. [Clears throat] Sit. Good dog! Good trainer. NICK Oh, Charleys not there. HECTOR Charleys not there? NICK Annie has taken him to the vet. HECTOR The vet? NICK The vet. The animal doctor. HECTOR Well, we can still start training.

NICK Well this is a new type of yoga, dog yoga. HECTOR Yeah, dog yoga, erm, do-ga! Sound of growling and hissing noises/sighing PHILIP Fantastic! Come on Bridget, introduce me to these spiritual boys! BRIDGET Philip erm, Hector and Nick. PHILIP Are dogs allowed on the sofa!! Sound of laughter BRIDGET Maybe we should eat out! Come on, Philip. Sound of door slamming NICK I dont like that man. HECTOR I dont think he likes you either! Sound of door shutting ANNIE Was that Bridgets new boyfriend?

NICK We can? How? Sit! I said sit sit, good boy, good boy. Now, roll over. Roll over. Good dog Charley. Roll over, roll over Hector. Good boy! Good boy! Good boy, Hector! Now, now, I, I want to be the dog. HECTOR No, no, I am the dog. Sound of overlapping speech/growling noises BRIDGET Ah! I dont know these people!

HECTOR Yep. Sound of Charley barking NICK Thats right, Charley, hes a bad man, top dog.

HECTOR & NICK Hi, Bridget! BRIDGET Erm, well theyre not my friends PHILIP Ha, what are they doing? NICK Erm, well youve heard of yoga. PHILIP Yes. Episode 20 Every Dog has its Day 4

BRIDGET [Composing email] Chrissy! Ive met a wonderful man! ANNIE Tell me everything! BRIDGET [Composing email] Well hes everything I want. Elegant, handsome, intelligent Sound of laughter BRIDGET [Composing email] And very unlike Nick! Episode 20 Every Dog has its Day 5

NICK [Composing email] Dan! I know how to earn two thousand pounds with Charley Annies dog. Sound of Charley barking NICK No! Not selling it! Winning a dog show competition. Sound of camera shutters clicking NICK The perfect plan! HECTOR Lets do it! NICK Yes! NICK [Composing email] Oh, and Bridget has met a new man. PHILIP Fantastic! NICK [Composing email] Huh! Even Charley is not impressed! NICK Thats right, Charley, hes a bad man. Sound of Charley barking HECTOR Hup! Hup! NICK Ow! Hmm! ANNIE Come on, Charley. NICK Erm, Wa-wait, where are you taking him? ANNIE For a walk. NICK Time to train Charley. [Clears throat] Let me take him. ANNIE Youll take him for his walk? NICK Yeah.

ANNIE OK. Wheres the kettle? Bridget! NICK Ill buy Charley a nice ribbon, then the lady dogs will lurve him, whoo! NICK Hey, Charley, come on, walkies! Assorted noises from Charley HECTOR Hey Nick! Catch! Sound of growling Sound of door slamming ANNIE Bridget, thats my Walkman. BRIDGET Well you take my things! ANNIE I dont take your things! BRIDGET Yes you do! Wheres my necklace then?! ANNIE I havent got your necklace. BRIDGET Well I think you have - and my photo frame. ANNIE I havent got your photo frame. BRIDGET Yes you have. ANNIE No I havent! BRIDGET/ANNIE Yes you have/no I havent! Yes you have/ooh! HECTOR Girls, girls, please. BRIDGET Dont touch my things!

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 6

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 7

ANNIE Hello, hello! I didnt touch your things! HECTOR Sit! Sound of doors slamming NICK Whoo-hoo! Annie is so angry! What have you done? HECTOR Me? Nothing. She has been fighting with Bridget. NICK Oh, the girls have been fighting! I missed it! HECTOR Anyway, how was your walk with Charley? NICK Great! Women love Charley! WOMAN Oh Nick, what a handsome dog you have! NICK Hey, look, Ive brought him a ribbon for the show! Ha! HECTOR And where is he? NICK Where is who? HECTOR Charley, the dog. NICK Charley! Whoo!

HECTOR & NICK Aaah, aah! ANNIE Whats going on? NICK Erm, its called a ooh erm, dog yoga. Growling/hissing noises ANNIE Ah, very nice. BRIDGET Oh no! Not dog yoga again! ANNIE Talking of dogs, where is Charley? NICK Hes asleep. HECTOR Hes ill. NICK Hes having his hair cut. HECTOR Hes busy. ANNIE So hes asleep and ill and busy and having his hair cut? NICK Erm, yeah. HECTOR Hmm, hmm. ANNIE OK. Sound of door shutting NICK We have to get Charley back! ANNIE [Composing email] The boys are so sweet! Theyre taking Charley for walks, and they play a lot with him. NICK Good boy! Good boy good boy!

NICK Stay there, good boy. Ha, a quick pint. [Sound of burping] Aaah! HECTOR & NICK Aaah!! NICK [Reading note] You are too cruel to own a dog! He is safe with me! But, but, but he was only tied up at that lamp post for a bit?

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 8

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 9

ANNIE [Composing email] But I have to buy more doggie chocs - there are none left! NICK [Composing email] Dan, weve lost Annies dog, Charley. ANNIE Where is Charley? NICK Hes asleep. HECTOR Hes ill. NICK Hes having his hair cut. HECTOR Hes busy. NICK [Composing email] And the dog show is today! NICK & HECTOR Ohh!! BRIDGET [Composing email] Im worried about Annie. Shes stealing everything! Lots of my things are missing. ANNIE I didnt touch your things! BRIDGET Wheres my necklace then? BRIDGET [Composing email] I think shes selling them on the Internet! Atmospheric music Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Nick! NICK Hector, hey! Dont worry, Ive found him, Ive found him! HECTOR Great! Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Oh, the other phone is ringing, erm, see you later, bye! Episode 20 Every Dog has its Day 10

NICK Yes! Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Hello. Police? What? You found our dog! Great, thanks very much. Bye! But if the police have found our dog, whose dog has Nick found? NICK Ow, ow, ow!! Sorry, Im sorry, I thought it was mine! Sound of police siren HECTOR Up, up, up, ah good dog. Up, hey, hey Sound of telephone ringing HECTOR Oh, hello. Nick, where are you? The police station?! You took a dog from an old woman! Nick, how could you?! OK, OK, I am coming. Sound of camera shutters whirring HECTOR Oh, ha, ha, ha! That woman, she really went for you and she was old! NICK [Laughing] I thought she was my type Hey, we must go, the dog show! ANNIE Hi guys! Hi Charley! Why are you wearing that? HECTOR Oh, erm NICK We were taking photographs. HECTOR Were we? NICK Yes. ANNIE Taking photographs. NICK & HECTOR Yes. Episode 20 Every Dog has its Day 11

BRIDGET Im meeting Philip tonight and I, I cant find my earrings. ANNIE Oh come on, they must be somewhere. BRIDGET You, youve stolen them! ANNIE Ive told you, I havent stolen anything. BRIDGET Yes you have, youre a thief! ANNIE I am not a thief! Im HECTOR Oh-oh ladies, no fighting here! Sound of whistle blowing HECTOR Break it up! Accompanying music to dog training sequence Sound of TV being turned on

NICK Oh yes! It looks very hopeful. Look at her! Look after Charley. Hey, hello there! He-he! ANNIE Look, theres Hector and Charley and theres Nick! BRIDGET Whos that woman? Its a very big dog! Sound of barking HECTOR Oh, that really is a big dog! NICK Yes, I know. DOG SHOW PRESENTER Your attention, please. The dog show winner is Charley with his trainers, Hector and Nick! Sound of applause/dog barks HECTOR Weve won, weve won NICK Oh, two thousand pounds! Applause/sound of camera shutters clicking ANNIE Oh congratulations! HECTOR Thanks Annie, but you hate dog shows. ANNIE Erm, well, if Charley wins, then thats different and you won two thousand pounds! Sound of Charley growling

ANNIE Wheres the fridge? DOG SHOW PRESENTER Hello, and welcome to Crofts Dog Show ANNIE Bridget! Huh, a dog show, how stupid. Where is the fridge? Wheres Charley? Charley! Charley and the fridge have gone. Charley has taken the fridge! DOG SHOW PRESENTER ANNIE Charley? DOG SHOW PRESENTER These dogs are trained to the highest standards and are a credit to their owners HECTOR It looks hopeful.

HECTOR Erm, well not exactly. We won two thousand pounds to spend in Dogs Heaven. NICK Hey! This is great! Smells nice and ha-ha, gets rid of fleas! Sound of Charley growling BRIDGET Im ready, Philip.

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 12

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 13

PHILIP Bridget! You look nice! BRIDGET Were going out for dinner, a very romantic dinner. Sound of Charley growling PHILIP You stupid dog, get off me! ANNIE Charley, stop it! HECTOR What is he doing? ANNIE Get off him! BRIDGET My scarf! My jewellery! My photo frame and more! ANNIE Philip, youve been stealing our things! Youre the thief! PHILIP Well I, I I NICK Get him, Charley! HECTOR Charley, Charley! Sound of whistle blowing/Charley barking ANNIE Hes a thief! Your boyfriend is a thief!

Episode 21 Narrative ANNIE You are feeling very sleepy. You want to be a cat! Now Charley, say meow! [Sound of Charley barking] No Charley, lets try again. Meow! [Sound of Charley barking]. Oh, I give up. Oh here you are, Charley, good boy. Ah. I dont need a dog, I need someone more stupid. Sound of door opening ANNIE Perfect. The boys. Hello boys, come and sit down. NICK What are you doing? ANNIE I am going to hypnotise you. HECTOR Hypnotise? NICK Yeah, you know. Hyp-no-tise. ANNIE You are feeling very sleepy. You are a baby. NICK Mama, mama. ANNIE You are five years old. NICK He stole my toy! Sound of slapping ANNIE You are twelve years old. NICK Hey baby, wanna dance?! Ha-ha. HECTOR Oh I know! Oh, it sounds fun! ANNIE Its not about fun! Hypnotism can help you with your problems!

BRIDGET Well who can blame him? ANNIE What? BRIDGET He took souvenirs, to remind him of me ah, so romantic!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Annie is a hypnotist, Nick and Hector are party entertainers, but what happens when they lose the birthday girl? EXTRA dont miss it!

Episode 20

Every Dog has its Day 14

Episode 21

The Entertainers 1

NICK I dont have any problems! ANNIE Are you ready? HECTOR Ahm.

HECTOR & NICK Ha-ha! Sound of laughter ANNIE So where did I go wrong? Ah. A hypnotic state can last for two days. Oh. So if someone says the word butterfly in the next two days. Ah! Sound of voices on TV

ANNIE Now, close your eyes and relax. Im going to take you back. Ba-ck, ba-ck. And open your eyes! You made it. NICK Well? HECTOR Have you done it? ANNIE Yes, all done. Now I am going to say a word to you and when you hear that word, you are going to react. HECTOR Ah. ANNIE Ready? NICK & HECTOR Ahm.

HECTOR Oh Nick! Why did you do that? NICK Its so obvious! Sue is having an affair with Jims brother! HECTOR Dont tell me. Na-na-na-na NICK Hey look, its Bridget. BRIDGET If I said childrens parties to you, youd say NICK No thanks! BRIDGET Jelly, ice cream, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey. NICK Oh, pinning the tail on the donkey. Sound of background party music/bursting balloons HECTOR Pin the tail on the donkey? NICK Great game! HECTOR Poor donkey. BRIDGET But not for the lucky children of the rich and famous. At their parties they have elephant rides HECTOR So, they pin the tail on the elephant!

ANNIE Butterfly. Anything? HECTOR Uh-uh. NICK Ooh, ooh, ooh! No. Ha-ha! ANNIE Ill try again. Butterfly. But-ter-fly. BUTTERFLY!! HECTOR I dont think its working, Annie. NICK Youre very good. Ha! No one can control the great minds of Hector and Nick! Episode 21 The Entertainers 2

Episode 21

The Entertainers 3

BRIDGET Amazing cakes, top class entertainers. Parties like these can cost thousands of pounds, but listen to the laughter of these lovely children. Sound of children cheering and laughing BRIDGET They love it! CHILD Give me that. I want that! BRIDGET Not now, sweetie, Im on television. CHILD But I want it! BRIDGET Be a nice child and go away. CHILD Give it to me! BRIDGET I said, get lost! CHILD Mum! She hit me! BRIDGET This is Bridget Evans, Channel 9, Knightsbridge. CHILD Get the police, mummy! BRIDGET Oh, will you keep your child quiet?!! Sound of siren NICK Thats it! HECTOR What? NICK Childrens parties. Rich childrens parties. HECTOR You cant go, you are too old! NICK No, she said top class entertainers. Thats us. We will be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!

HECTOR Dont we need an elephant? NICK No! Weve got you! HECTOR Oooh! NICK No. Hmmm! HECTOR Hmmm! NICK Yeah. ANNIE [Composing email] I am learning how to hypnotise people. ANNIE You are feeling very sleepy. ANNIE [Composing email] Ive tried it on Hector and Nick ANNIE BUTTERFLY!! HECTOR I dont think its working, Annie. ANNIE [Composing email] But nothings happened yet. ANNIE A hypnotic state can last for two days. Oh. NICK [Composing email] Hector and I are going to be top class party entertainers to rich children. NICK Well be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money! NICK OK guys, what do you think of this? Posh Parties make your childs party go with a bang. We are top class childrens entertainers, we make them laugh HECTOR ... We make them cry! ANNIE Its not like that, Hector.

Episode 21

The Entertainers 4

Episode 21

The Entertainers 5

NICK Book Posh Parties for the best party in the world. Only millionaires need apply. What do you think? BRIDGET I think youd be lucky to get one reply. Sound of telephone ringing ANNIE Ooh! Hello. Oh, yes, erm, this is Posh Parties. Who is calling, please? Mrs George Ducas?! NICK Not the wife of Mr George Ducas?! HECTOR Who? NICK George Ducas, the Hollywood director. BRIDGET You know who it is, dont you! NICK Victoria, Lucass mother. VICTORIA Lucas, say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky! NICK Hi. Electrical buzzing noise NICK Ah! ANNIE Hello. Oh, youd like to book a party for your stepdaughter. Oh, she loves fairies. Well, I have just the fairy for you, Princess Nicky, oh and here she is! NICK Hello! Princess Nicky speaking. Oh yes, of course I know what little girls like! I used to be one myself, you know. Ha-hmm-hmm. Oh, certainly Mrs Ducas, Daisys birthday on Friday, well be there. Bye-ee! Oh no! ANNIE Nick, thats fantastic news! Its your first booking! HECTOR Yeah!

NICK But I will have to go to the home of George Ducas dressed as a fairy princess! What will Victoria say?! Bah! Who cares! This is my chance to get into Hollywood. BRIDGET Erm, its the nearest youll ever get to Hollywood. Anyway, what can you do? NICK What can I do? BRIDGET What can you do to entertain children? NICK I can juggle! HECTOR So can I! BRIDGET Is that it? NICK No, I can do lots of things. Anyway I will have my assistants, Hector and ANNIE Ah-ah-ah, Im working on Friday. Shes not. NICK Bridget. BRIDGET Oh no, no. Children and I do not work well together. NICK Oh well, suit yourself, its only the home of George Ducas, with the children of Hollywood stars! BRIDGET Celebrities? NICK Ahm. BRIDGET Oh, all right. But Im not dressing up. Sound of background atmospheric music BRIDGET I feel ridiculous! NICK You feel ridiculous, what about me?

Episode 21

The Entertainers 6

Episode 21

The Entertainers 7

HECTOR Ah, this is the last box. NICK Ah, great! VICTORIA Are you ready? NICK Ooh! VICTORIA Nick! NICK Oh! VICTORIA Princess Nicky. NICK Ha-ha, hi Victoria. I mean, hello, Mrs Ducas, ha-ha. VICTORIA So, hows the acting going? NICK Oh, great, great, this is just a, a temporary job! Ha-ha. Hmm, is George here? VICTORIA Hes next door, chatting to a few friends. Erm, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Orlando Bloom and Jude Law. NICK Thats nice, yeah VICTORIA Mmm. Well, lets bring in the birthday girl. Daisy, in you come! Assorted background noises and accompanying music as children enter room VICTORIA Have a good time! [Sound of kissing] Anyway, Im just going next door to have drinkies! Sound of tittering laughter/accompanying music

ANNIE [Composing email] The bad news is theyve gone to George Ducas house, dressed as fairies! BRIDGET I feel ridiculous! NICK You feel ridiculous, what about me?! BRIDGET [Composing email] Nick has made me help him with his silly childrens party. NICK Ha-ha! Hee! BRIDGET [Composing email] I dont like children. Worse still - Im dressed as a fairy! VICTORIA Have a good time! NICK Hello little fairies. My name is Princess Nicky. Hello! [Clears throat] And this is Princess Hector-ina. Ha-ha. And this is Tinkerbell. Ha-ha! DAISY Shes really old! NICK [Clears throat loudly] Now, Princess Hector-ina is going to show you a magic trick. Ooh! Arent you, Princess Hectorina. Ha-ha! HECTOR Now we are going to have a magical time this afternoon, arent we! Now, would you like to meet Mr Whizzy? Of course you would. BRIDGET Come on Daisy, come and meet Mr Whizzy. HECTOR Now Daisy, is Mr Whizzy in the hat? Go on, put your hand in. Not too far! [Clears throat]. Well, is he there? DAISY No! HECTOR No hes not. Now, give the hat a magic tap. Thumping noise

ANNIE [Composing email] This is so funny! The good news is: Nick and Hector have got their first Posh Parties booking. ANNIE Youd like to book a party? Episode 21 The Entertainers 8

Episode 21

The Entertainers 9

HECTOR Careful, youll give him a headache! [Clears throat]. Oh, who is this?! Oh, its Mr Whizzy! to Mr Whizzy. Sound of children laughing HECTOR Oh, Mr Whizzy hasnt got any clothes on! Ha-ha!

NICK Where is she? Where is Daisy! Sound of hysterical laughter BRIDGET What a good game, Princess Nicky! Cant you remember where Daisy is, really, your mind is like a butterfly! Ha-ha-ha! Sound of harp music/laughter ANNIE BUTTERFLY!! NICK & HECTOR [Making chicken/type squawking noises] Sound of children laughing

NICK Ha-ha-hah! Thank you Daisy! Now, erm, Tinkerbell, stop that and come over here! DAISY Youve got hairy legs and a hairy chest! NICK Now Daisy, thats not a very nice thing to say about Tinkerbell! BRIDGET I think she meant you!

NICK Ah-hah! The cake! OK, come out Daisy, wherever you are! HECTOR Weve got a surprise for you!

NICK Oh, ha, now! I am going to make someone disappear! Oooh! Who shall it be? DAISY You!

NICK Shell come out when she see this! Happy Birthday, Daisy, cue, Bridget! Whoo! Sound of children laughing/squawking noises BRIDGET Whats going on? Sound of mobile phone ringing BRIDGET Annie? ANNIE Bridget, I forgot to say, whatever you do, do not mention the word butterfly. BRIDGET Oh, why not? ANNIE Because its the word I used to hypnotise Nick and Hector, they might behave strangely. BRIDGET Erm, stranger than usual? ANNIE Yes. BRIDGET Erm, I think it worked!

NICK Daisy, do you want to be part of the magic trick again? Oh, Daisy! Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Magic Wigwam! Now Daisy, this is Princess Nickys magical wigwam. If you go in there youll find a wonderful magical land! Do you want to go in? DAISY No! NICK Of course, ha-ha-ha! Of course you do! Now in you go, come on poppet! He-he, get in, he-he. There we are! Marvellous! Ha-ha. Now, we say the magical word, Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Hey Presto, Ping! Is Daisy still here? Oh, shes gone! She must be having a wonderful time in the magical land. But its time to come home now, Daisy! Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Ping! And hello Daisy. Daisy? Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! Where did she go? HECTOR I dont know! BRIDGET Ill get the cake, shell come out then!

Episode 21

The Entertainers 10

Episode 21

The Entertainers 11

ANNIE Oh! BRIDGET So how do you de-hypnotise them? ANNIE Erm, theres a special word. BRIDGET What is it?!! ANNIE Erm, dragonfly, erm, bee. Oh, no, wasp, ant BRIDGET Dragonfly, bee, wasp, ant BRIDGET Nothings happening! ANNIE Ill be right there! BRIDGET Oh, hurry! Oooh! Sound of screeching VICTORIA Oh, what the NICK Hey, Victoria, come and rock! VICTORIA What, why is Whats going on? NICK The thing is, we were doing this magic trick and HECTOR ... We lost her. VICTORIA Nick, how could you?! Thats it, Im calling the police. Police baby darling! DAISY Oh, wicked!! ANNIE She was in Princess Nickys van.

BRIDGET So, have you remembered the word? ANNIE Oh yes, erm, caterpillar. Sound of harp music VICTORIA What a mess! Im not paying you! ANNIE Well then, you wont mind that Ive put parking tickets on four Mercedes, five Ferraris and two Porsches, illegally parked outside. VICTORIA Oh, Catherine parked outside and Jude did too. All of Georges friends parked surely we can come to some kind of an arrangement. ANNIE Mmm. VICTORIA Very well. NICK Well, I didnt meet George! HECTOR It was a great party though and the money was good too! ANNIE Erm, youll need that for your fine. NICK What fine? ANNIE We had to tow your van away. Im sorry, I didnt know it was yours. NICK What? !! Hey, come back!

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Annie is reading her crystal ball, Bridget wants to meet a handsome stranger and what is scaring Hector and Nick? EXTRA, dont miss it!

Episode 21

The Entertainers 12

Episode 21

The Entertainers 13

I'm getting a name. It's. . . Nick. NICK Ooh, Gigi, you must be psychic! Oww! HECTOR Sidekick? Episode 22 Narrative ANNIE And I can see a great big bowl of dog food and on the bowl it says a name. It says... Charley! It must be tea-time, Charley! BRIDGET Guess what? ANNIE Ooh, you've just met Brad Pitt. BRIDGET What? Don't be ridiculous, Annie. I've just been to see Rose Marie. ANNIE Who's Rose Marie? BRIDGET My fortune teller, and she says I'm going to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger! ANNIE Oooh! When? BRIDGET She didn't say. ANNIE Where? BRIDGET She didn't say. ANNIE It must be true then. BRIDGET Maybe I'll meet him at tonight's Halloween party. Ooh, have you read your horoscopes for today? ANNIE No. BRIDGET Read mine. ANNIE Aquarius, Libra, Leo - ah! Taurus, the Bull. "Taurus: Today you will be in for a big surprise." BRIDGET Oh, goodie! Banging noise/sound of screaming BRIDGET Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 1 HECTOR Punch line? Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 2 NICK No, not sidekick - psy-chic - a fortune teller. ANNIE Someone who can see the future. HECTOR Ah, like Nostradamus. ANNIE Er... NICK Who? ANNIE Kind of .. like horoscopes or Tarot. NICK Ah, Tarot! The Death card. Look! It's Bridget with no make-up. Sound of laughter ANNIE Like having the palm of your hand read. NICK Nah, rubbish. There's nothing there. BRIDGET What a surprise. Come here, give me your hand. I'll give you a lesson. This one is your life line. NICK Oooohhhh..... BRIDGET This one is your lurve line. NICK Oh yes! BRIDGET And this one is your... NICK Oooff! BRIDGET ....punch line! NICK Aww!

NICK She means it's the end of my lesson. Hey, Hector! What happens when you go to a fortune teller's house? Sound of atmospheric harp music HECTOR Come in!

BRIDGET Ooh, I wish I could meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. ANNIE Well, let me look into my crystal ball. BRIDGET Annie, that's a goldfish bowl. ANNIE So? I got it right for Charley, didn't I, Charley. Sound of knocking on door BRIDGET Ooh! That'll be my stranger now! Oh, hello, Bernard. ANNIE Hello, Bernard, how are you? BERNARD Not happy. Not happy at all. I've lost my marbles. BRIDGET Oh dear. Bernard's lost his marbles. ANNIE What? Oh! You mean Marbles, your cat! BERNARD And she's not well. She's got a cold. ANNIE Oh well, I'm sure you'll find her. We'll look out for her, Bernard. BERNARD I hope so. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. ANNIE Poor Bernard. BRIDGET He's lost his marbles. Well it had to happen! ANNIE [Composing email] Today is Halloween and I'm practising my psychic skills. ANNIE And on the bowl it says a name. It says Charley! ANNIE [Composing email] Bridget has been to see Rose Marie, her fortune teller, who told her she would meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. BRIDGET Hello, Bernard. ANNIE [Composing email] Then Bernard knocked on the door! Poor Bernard said he had lost his cat, Marbles. BRIDGET Oh dear! Bernard's lost his marbles!

BRIDGET Ha-ha. Let's see what your horoscope says. NICK Aw, you don't believe all that rubbish, do you? ANNIE Rose Marie says that Bridget is going to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. BRIDGET Hector? ANNIE Bridget, this is my tall, dark, handsome stranger. Get your own. NICK Who is Rose Marie? BRIDGET My fortune teller. NICK Oh! Is she good-looking? Could she find me a cute babe? BRIDGET Do you want to hear your horoscope or not? NICK Go on then. Aquarius. BRIDGET Aquarius, eh? I should've guessed. "This week beware of black hair and the number 3." NICK Oooohhh. That means that three babes with black hair are going to chase me. Spooky!! HECTOR Oh, can I be Aquarius? ANNIE No! NICK Go on, Hector. Let's go out. I'm gonna meet some black-haired babes. BRIDGET Put that umbrella down. It's very unlucky. NICK But I'm feeling lucky! Oww! Ooh! Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 3

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

ANNIE [Composing email] Anyway, tonight we are all going to a Halloween party. I can't wait! NICK [Composing email] Bridget read my horoscope today. NICK Ah, you dont believe all that rubbish, do you? NICK [Composing email] It said Beware of black hair and the number three! NICK Oooh! NICK [Composing email] I think it means three black haired babes NICK Are going to chase me! Spooky! NICK [Composing email] I dont have to beware of them, do I? NICK & HECTOR Oww!! HECTOR This is a true story about a man and wife on their honeymoon. They were in the car. It was late. The wife broke her mirror, which means seven years' bad luck. Just then, they ran out of petrol, so the man told the wife to go for petrol. ANNIE He's the man. He should've gone. HECTOR Equal opportunities. The wife was gone for a long time. Then boom, boom, boom. He heard a noise on the roof of the car. It got louder - boom, boom - and then his wife appeared. She smiled and walked away. The noise was very loud now. The man got out of his car and standing on the roof he saw a madman holding his wife's head! NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE Ahhh! NICK So the banging was... ANNIE Her head?! BRIDGET But hed just seen his wife! HECTOR That... was her ghost! NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE Ohhh! ANNIE Is that a true story? Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 5

HECTOR Yeah.

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

BRIDGET Tell us another! NICK No, don't! I mean, it was a bit dull, wasn't it? ANNIE Right, come on, let's go shopping for the party. BRIDGET Yeah! I'm in the mood now. HECTOR Are you coming, Nick?

NICK Yeah, sweet. ANNIE [Composing email] Hector told us a ghost story today. It was scary. HECTOR This is a true story about a man and wife on their honeymoon. ANNIE [Composing email] One night, a honeymoon couple broke down in their car. The wife went to get the petrol, but only her ghost returned. Oooohhhhh! We're having great fun this Halloween! NICK [Composing email] Hector told us a stupid ghost story. Nothing scares me! NICK I think Ill go back to my apartment now! NICK [Composing email] Bridget said, Beware of the number three. Hmm! Then I saw three apples. NICK One, two, three apples. Ohhhh! [Sound of breaking glass] NICK [Composing email] And three children playing trick or treat. CHILDREN Trick or treat! NICK [Composing email] I even saw a black cat. Its all too much! Sound of thunder Sound of laughter NICK Those witches were very cute! I think the small one fancied you! HECTOR Do you think so? NICK Yeah! BRIDGET Boys, they weren't pretending. They really were witches. HECTOR Oh. ANNIE They were ugly enough. HECTOR Ho-ho.

NICK What? Oh, er, no. See you later. One, two.... "Beware of black hair...." Three ... ... "...and the number 3." Hah! So what? There are three apples - hah! Big deal. Arrrgghh! "It's seven years of bad luck. Bad luck." What rubbish! I think I'll go back to my apartment now. Black cat. Black hair. Right, keep calm. Nice pussy! Spooky sounds from TV programme NICK Whos there? Beware number three. Aaargghh! Stop! BRIDGET , HECTOR & ANNIE Nick! Nick! Nick! NICK What? ANNIE He's coming round. NICK Ahh! Ahh! What's going on? Why are you dressed like that? ANNIE Nick! Have you forgotten? It's Halloween. We're going to the party. NICK Oh yeah. HECTOR I cannot get this knife into the pumpkin. Can you? NICK OK. CHILDREN Trick or treat! ANNIE Treat! There you are. CHILDREN Thank you. ANNIE Oh, aren't they sweet. Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 7

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

ANNIE Hey! The lights have gone out. BRIDGET It must be the storm. A power cut! NICK What was that? HECTOR Who was that? NICK & HECTOR Aaaarrggghhhh! ANNIE Bernard! What are you doing on the roof? BERNARD I still can't find my Marbles. HECTOR Your marbles?

HECTOR B - That's you, Bridget. NICK Ohhh.... ... ... ..... N! HECTOR That's you, Nick! Bridget fancies Nick! BRIDGET Oh, don't be so childish. Give that to me. It's getting warm. I can feel... it's starting to move! ANNIE H thats you, Hector. BRIDGET & ANNIE D-E-P-A-R-T HECTOR Deep art. Depart. Depart? But I am not leaving. NICK Depart. 'Dearly departed' means 'dead'. Sound of loud thunderclap/screams HECTOR That's it! I am leaving! ANNIE Hector, sit down. HECTOR Aw, you are moving the glass, Bridget. BRIDGET No, I'm not. N - I think it's for you, Nick. NICK Oh great. It'll be about babes. 3? Three what? BRIDGET Didn't your horoscope say "Beware of the number 3"? ANNIE Oh yeah! NICK You don't believe that rubbish, do you? BRIDGET Of course I do. Don't you? HECTOR Oh! BRIDGET Oh! HECTOR Oh!

BRIDGET His cat. ANNIE Bernard, I really don't think that you should be on the roof. BERNARD Ohhhh! ANNIE Bernard? Bernard, are you OK? BERNARD Yeah, I'm fine. I'll kill that cat when I find it! ANNIE I know! We'll light a candle. Well, there's no television, so I guess it's time for bed. NICK & HECTOR Oh no! BRIDGET What's the matter, boys? Are you scared of the dark? NICK & HECTOR No. ANNIE Well, if you're not scared of the dark, then let's play a game. HECTOR A game? BRIDGET Let's get the ouija board out! NICK Ohhh....

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

10

ANNIE Oh! Well, the lights are back on.

HECTOR OK.

HECTOR I'm tired. BRIDGET Why don't you depart then. NICK Yeah, great idea. Come on, Hector, let's go. Boo! Sound of thunder NICK Hector? HECTOR Eh? NICK Do you believe in horoscopes? HECTOR Of course not. NICK No, of course not. They're silly. "Beware of black hair and the number three. HECTOR Rubbish. NICK Yeah! It could've meant: beware of those three witches we met at the party. HECTOR Well, they did have black hair. NICK Or those three trick-or-treaters. CHILDREN Trick or treat! NICK Or the black cat. Huh! What was that noise? HECTOR Probably the wind. NICK Yeah, wind. Hector? HECTOR Eh? NICK Can I get into your bed?

Sound of whimpering NICK I'm not afraid of the dark. HECTOR Nor am I. NICK I've only got one torch. It's good to share. Ah, the storm's finished. HECTOR Shh! What's that noise? NICK It's in the room! HECTOR It's getting nearer! Sound of footsteps/knocking on door NICK Who's that? HECTOR I don't know. Nick, there is something touching my legs. NICK Well, it's not me! HECTOR I know, but there is something touching my legs! NICK Aarrghhh! ANNIE Bernard, did you hear that scream? BRIDGET What are you doing? BERNARD I think Marbles is in there. ANNIE Right, we're going in. Hector? Nick? What's the matter? BERNARD Marbles! There you are! Hows your cold? ANNIE Are you two OK? What's wrong? BRIDGET

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

11

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

12

Whats wrong? Has the cat got your tongue? COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes shopping, Hector tells Annie the truth, and why has Bridget got so many admirers? EXTRA, don't miss it! Episode 23 Narrative HECTOR He's been gone for ages. Do you think he did it? BRIDGET Nah, I bet he didnt dare! Sound of laughter NICK Well, there you go. One bottle of milk. One tin of tuna. ANNIE Bravo, Nick! Come on, Bridget, your turn. Do your dare. BRIDGET Bernard, I love you! You're the one for me! Please, let's run away together. NICK Hi, Bernard. ANNIE Hello, Bernard. OK? Sound of laughter NICK Oh, let's do it again! Tell the truth or do a dare. ANNIE Oh, Ziggy! Now do you want to tell the truth? Well, then you have to do a dare. HECTOR Yeah, but what dare? ANNIE Oh, I know. I dare you to... kiss Nick! [Sound of laughter] NICK, ANNIE & HECTOR Ooh! Bridget!! HECTOR Truth or dare? BRIDGET A dare! HECTOR OK. I dare you to copy someone in this room.

Episode 22

Haunting at Halloween

13

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

BRIDGET Someone in this room, eh? Nick! Right! My turn. Nick! NICK A dare! I dare myself to kiss Bridget. Ha-ha, OK!

NICK The truth, the whole truth. The thing is, Annie, the truth is, on Thursdays I never go shopping. I just take your food. ANNIE What? You mean that... Sound of mobile phone ringing NICK Handy!! Hello? What? An audition? A commercial? When? Oh, I've got to go. HECTOR Hi, Nick. ANNIE Hi, Hector. What are you doing? HECTOR I'm writing Things I Don't Like About Annie. ANNIE What? HECTOR Let's use the truth to make our relationship stronger! ANNIE OK. HECTOR Go on, write Things I Don't Like About Hector. ANNIE OK. Things I Don't Like About Hector. HECTOR Hmm.

ANNIE Not another dare. Why not the truth? NICK The truth? ANNIE Yes! Nobody wants to speak the truth. I dare you, I dare all of you to speak the truth. HECTOR OK, let's speak the truth. ANNIE For a whole day. HECTOR Tomorrow. NICK But... no lies? ANNIE No lies. And the winner, we buy the winner dinner for two at the Ivy Restaurant! HECTOR OK, twenty four hours of truth. Sound of stopwatch counting time ANNIE You will the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. WAITER Welcome to the Ivy, Miss Evans. Mr P is waiting for you at your usual table. Sound of stopwatch counting time ANNIE The whole truth and nothing but the truth. The truth. NICK Aarrgh! ANNIE What's wrong with you? NICK Nothing - at all - really. ANNIE Nick, is there no food in your apartment?

ANNIE Huh! HECTOR I behave like a big child?! Hmm! ANNIE I shout too much? HECTOR See?! You are doing it again! Sound of stopwatch counting time ANNIE So you don't like my carrot cake.

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

HECTOR Erm...

ANNIE Out! Get out! HECTOR But Annie I I!

ANNIE And you've never liked my carrot cake. HECTOR No. ANNIE But you always eat it. HECTOR I didn't want to upset you. ANNIE Well, now I am cross, very cross. HECTOR See? You are shouting again. ANNIE I do not shout too much! HECTOR Calm down, please, Annie! Sound of alarm beeping BRIDGET Ooh! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! Banging noise/sound of phone ringing BRIDGET Hello? John? No, I don't want to see you. Goodbye. An old boyfriend, how strange. Sound of door slamming ANNIE So Hector, if we're telling the truth, let me ask you. HECTOR Yes. ANNIE Do you fancy Bridget? HECTOR No. ANNIE And before, have you ever fancied Bridget? HECTOR Well... ANNIE Nadia, I've had a brilliant idea! We have to tell the truth for a whole day. ANNIE I dare you, I dare all of you to speak the truth. Sound of stopwatch counting time NICK Hello! So this is a commercial for yoghurt. CASTING DIRECTOR That's right, Nick. Yuppy Yoghurts. NICK Great! CASTING DIRECTOR This is the most delicious yoghurt in the world. NICK Wow! In the world! Hmm! CASTING DIRECTOR So first we want you to eat some. NICK Ugh!! Sound of stopwatch counting time ANNIE I hate the truth! BRIDGET Annie, do I look fat in these trousers? ANNIE Yes. To tell the truth, yes, you do look fat in those trousers. BRIDGET I can't change clothes. I don't have time. Oh! ANNIE And don't forget: one day of truth! BRIDGET [Composing email] Last night was horrible. We played Truth or Dare and I had to tell our neighbour Bernard that I fancied him. BRIDGET Youre the one for me! Please, lets run away together. Errghh!!

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Forty five minutes late! BRIDGET 'm sorry, Eunice.

ANNIE The truth. NICK Hmm! It's dee....sgusting! Its terrible! It's horrible! Euchh! Do I get the part? CASTING DIRECTOR Next! Sound of stopwatch counting time EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ridiculous? Ridiculous? What do you mean, ridiculous? Sound of stopwatch counting time Sound of door slamming

EUNICE MOUNTAIN What happened this time? A fire in the house? A burglar? A big monster? BRIDGET No. The bus. WAITER Welcome to the Ivy, Miss Evans. Mr P is waiting for you at your usual table. BRIDGET No, I'm late because I overslept. EUNICE MOUNTAIN So you overslept? Of course, you do need your beauty sleep. Now work! BRIDGET My bag! Where is it? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Bridget, you know Channel Nine wants new talent? Have you found any? BRIDGET No.

NICK Stupid yoghurt. ANNIE So you didn't get it then? NICK No, no. ANNIE Oh, I'm sorry, Nick. NICK Well, at least I don't have to eat them again. Eucch! Where's Hector? ANNIE Hector? Don't talk to me about Hector! Sound of knocking on door BERNARD So where is she? NICK Where is who? BERNARD Bridget. I got her message and here I am. NICK You have got a date with Bridget? BERNARD That's right. NICK This is a very, very strange day. Huh! Bridget's not in. BERNARD Oh. NICK Here, have a yoghurt.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Well, I have. A new presenter. BRIDGET Really? Who? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Me. Look. Hello, my darlings. What? What? Oh, oh. Oh. Hello, my darlings. This is the beautiful Eunice bringing you delight and wonder from Nannel Chine! ... .... from Channel Nine! Thank you for all my special reports! Well, what do you think? Sound of stopwatch counting time CASTING DIRECTOR We want you to eat some and then say, "Mmm, delicious!" NICK Hmm, dee-licious! After I eat this? CASTING DIRECTOR Yes. Do you have a problem with that? NICK No, no problem at all. Mmm! Mmm!

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

I dont understand whats going on! BERNARD Oh, thanks. BRIDGET What a coincidence! Sound of stopwatch counting time EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hello, Bridget. How dare you call me a witch? You are an ugly, bad-tempered witch. Sound of stopwatch counting time Sound of door opening/closing BRIDGET Handbag, handbag, handbag. Oh, Eunice is an ugly, bad-tempered witch! Oh, my handbag. Oh, it's you. Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Hello? Who? Kevin? Three years ago, Kevin? No! No, I don't! Two old boyfriends. First John, now Kevin. Hmm, what a coincidence. NICK [Composing email] Today I must tell the truth all day. NICK Mmm! Dee-licious! NICK [Composing email] The problem is I lost a job advertising yoghurt. I told them it tasted disgusting! NICK Mmm, its dee-sgusting! NICK [Composing email] Huh! Am I crazy?! BRIDGET [Composing email] I am having such a crazy day! BRIDGET Do I look fat in these trousers? ANNIE Yes. BRIDGET [Composing email] It's very difficult to tell the truth at work all the time. EUNICE MOUNTAIN What do you mean, ridiculous? BRIDGET [Composing email] And my old boyfriends keep calling me. BRIDGET Kevin? BRIDGET [Composing email] BRIDGET I didn't send that message. EUNICE MOUNTAIN No? It's your number. BRIDGET My mobile. Someone took my mobile. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, good try. The truth. Did you send that message? BRIDGET No! No! Someone took my phone! EUNICE MOUNTAIN All right then. You didn't send the message. So what do you think of me? BRIDGET The truth? The truth, Eunice, you're an ugly, bad-tempered witch. EUNICE MOUNTAIN You know, Bridget, honesty is a great quality. BRIDGET It is. EUNICE MOUNTAIN It is. I hope honesty will help you... when you look for a new job. You're fired! Sound of stopwatch counting time Sound of door opening and shutting BRIDGET Well, hooray for the truth. ANNIE Ziggy's coming later, and then we'll decide who's the winner. BRIDGET Oh, what a day. I need comfort food. HECTOR The truth, the truth is: we were asking the wrong questions.

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

Ask me what I think of your eyes. ANNIE What do you think of my eyes?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Call me a witch? You're fired! BRIDGET My bag! Handbag, handbag. Grrrr! Eunice is an ugly, bad-tempered witch. Oh, it's you. Oh! Nick! Sound of stopwatch speeding up BRIDGET It was you, wasnt it!

HECTOR I think you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life. ANNIE Really? Tell me more. HECTOR I think you are the sweetest, kindest... ANNIE Oh, snuggly-puppy! HECTOR Oh, sugar-plum! Oh, oh... BRIDGET Euuurhhh, I feel sick. Sound of stopwatch counting time Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Hello? Oh, not again. Listen, Stuart, OK, I finished with you because you have no personality, no money and no sense of humour. More old boyfriends! I don't understand it. Sound of strumming guitar BERNARD Ah, Bridget. At last. Oh, Bridget, my fair. Oh, Bridget, ... ... .... BRIDGET Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this? BERNARD But you told me to come. BRIDGET I told you to come? BERNARD I got your text. BRIDGET Who is sending all these messages from my mobile? Sound of stopwatch counting time BRIDGET John? No, I dont want to see you. Goodbye! BERNARD So where is she? I got her message and here I am!

HECTOR I think Bridget should be the winner. ANNIE Yes, we'll pay for dinner for two at the Ivy. BRIDGET Yes! I'm going to the Ivy! Eunice?! EUNICE MOUNTAIN So what do you want? BRIDGET Huh? EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Reading text message] Please come to my flat at 7pm. Now what do you want? BRIDGET I didn't text you. Ziggy stole my phone and sent those messages. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hmm. Sound of strumming guitar BERNARD Oh, lady of such beauty I've never seen. BRIDGET Who's this? BERNARD Lady of such beauty, you shall be my queen. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Bridget, where did you find this man? He is perfect for Channel Nine. BRIDGET He is? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Absolutely! He'll make a perfect weather man. Maybe you can have your job back. Now, come and talk about your contract. BRIDGET Weird!!

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

10

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

11

NICK Bridget? Hmm, hmm, hmm. [Singing] Oh, Bridget, she's a natural blonde. Her bottom is big and she wears a thong! So do I get a job too?

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick becomes a pilot, Hector is his hostess and why has Eunice come to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it.

Episode 24 Narrative ANNIE One for the party and one for the party hostess. One for the party and one for the party accountant. Hey, it's Builder Barbie! BRIDGET Ha-ha, very funny. Eunice wants some building work done and guess who has to organise it? ANNIE Builder Barbie?! Hey! Not for you, for the party. BRIDGET Were having a party?! Oh, what shall I wear? ANNIE Well, it's a street party. We're having a party in the street to protest and stop the cars. BRIDGET Hmm, hmm, nice. Hey, what's this? ANNIE Aah! Don't touch it. It belonged to my grandmother. BRIDGET Your grandmother? It's lovely. ANNIE Yes, it's very special to me. NICK Well, what do you think? Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire. Sound of clicking fingers ANNIE Oh, is that you? BRIDGET It cant be! NICK Women love uniform. ANNIE Hey-hey! Builder Barbie and Pilot Ken!

Episode 23

Truth or Dare

12

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

BRIDGET Why are you dressed like a pilot? NICK I am in a play. Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire. BRIDGET Huh! NICK For a theatre festival in Paris. Now, who is going to help me rehearse, huh? BRIDGET Oh, sorry, gotta go. NICK Annie? Oh, come on, you know you want to. Aha! Hector! HECTOR Huh? NICK Come fly with me! HECTOR What? Atmospheric music HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess] Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time. [Speaking normally] Nick, I really think NICK Yeah, don't tell me. I feel it too. Something's not quite right. HECTOR No. NICK Yeah, I..., hey, I've got it! Here, there..., oh, beautiful! See? Now I can fancy you. HECTOR Oh no, Nick, please!! NICK Did you miss me, sweet thing? HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess] Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.

BRIDGET Oh, Eunice, I've got the builders on the phone. EUNICE MOUNTAIN About time. BRIDGET Hello. You can start today? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you. BRIDGET Well we really need the job done quickly. EUNICE MOUNTAIN We should meet tonight? Oh yes. BRIDGET Ah yes, where to start. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Where? Hmm, that's a very good question. BRIDGET Where would you like the building work to start? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Well, I was thinking in my flat. BRIDGET In your flat? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, yes, in my flat. BRIDGET Hello? We want you to start in Eunice's flat. Yes, that's right, Eunice's flat. EUNICE MOUNTAIN It's 31 Evergreen Street. BRIDGET It's 31 Evergreen Street. That's right. Bye. HECTOR Tea, coffee? NICK No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee? HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess] Tea or coffee? NICK Thanks. HECTOR Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform? NICK

NICK When we get to Barbados..., oh, sorry. But now we have work to do. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. We will now go through the safety routine. Exits are here, here and here. In the event of cabin decompression, place oxygen masks over your face like so, but please attend to your own mask before helping children. Life jackets can be found under your seat. In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Yeah.

HECTOR Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot? NICK Well, hmm. HECTOR You tell them you are a real pilot. NICK Maybe. Sound of mobile phone NICK Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that's right, sweetie. Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for Barbados. [Hector makes engine noises in background] Yeah, that's right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds. HECTOR [Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot] NICK No, no, no. We're just... HECTOR Ahhh.. .. ... ... .. NICK ....We're not being attacked, its just a bit of turbulence. Look, I've got to go. Bye-bye! HECTOR Aaah!! Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering EUNICE MOUNTAIN Nooooooo! BRIDGET Oh, hi, Eunice. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Bridget, guess where this came from? BRIDGET Erm..., DIY shop? EUNICE MOUNTAIN No, from my flat. BRIDGET Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess! You told the builders to work in my flat. BRIDGET Yes, you said.

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

EUNICE MOUNTAIN But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. Your mistake, you fix it. BRIDGET But.... EUNICE MOUNTAIN And until you do, I'm going to stay in your flat. BRIDGET Nooooooooo! BRIDGET [Composing email] Oh no. Eunice is so angry! I made a tiny little mistake at work. BRIDGET We want you to start work in Eunices flat. Yes, thats right, Eunices flat. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Nooooooooo! BRIDGET [Composing email] And now she's coming to stay with us. BRIDGET Nooooooooo! BRIDGET [Composing email] Oh, what am I going to do? NICK [Composing email] Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, forget about cool clothes. You have to get a pilot's uniform. It's magic with women. NICK Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire. EUNICE MOUNTAIN BRIDGET!! BRIDGET I wanna ride the pony! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Bridget, I want my breakfast now. BRIDGET Of course. What would you like? EUNICE MOUNTAIN I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, preserve of Morello cherries on French toast, and coffee. Italian coffee. BRIDGET Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don't have.... EUNICE MOUNTAIN So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.

Assorted background noises HECTOR Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do? NICK It will be OK. HECTOR I am too young to die! You have to save us! NICK Try to be calm. HECTOR But what about my family? What about my cat? NICK Hold yourself together, woman. HECTOR What... Slapping noise NICK Excellent! You were really good! That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones. HECTOR You didn't have to slap me for real. NICK Oh, sorry, but I... oop! Sound of mobile phone ringing NICK Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. [Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises]. What? Oh... OK, it's the director! Shh! What? What?! Erm, just a minute. The actress? She's ill? But we must still do the play? No, we don't have much time. Look, don't worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye! Hector? Hector! HECTOR Huh? NICK I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me? HECTOR Paris? NICK Oui, oui. HECTOR Excellent! NICK & HECTOR Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

EUNICE MOUNTAIN You call this a breakfast? Euurgggh! That's what I think of this! Ooh! Eurrh! And this! Aahh! And this! Poofff! And I have a little washing for you. [Sound of clicking fingers] In the bedroom. Now, what shall I eat? Hmm! BRIDGET You call this a little washing? EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, be quiet and do it. ANNIE Hi! I got some polish for Granny's chest. BRIDGET Nice. ANNIE Oh, I love it so much. It really reminds me of her. Hey! You're eating my party food! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Yes. But it's not very good. Here, Charley boy. BRIDGET Annie, Annie, please. I don't want to lose my job. It's only for a few days. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Now which of you lucky girls is going to cut my toenails? BRIDGET Grrrr! I'm going to kill that woman! ANNIE No, no, let me. NICK Are you having fun with Eunice? ANNIE & BRIDGET Hmm. HECTOR Why don't you stay here while we are away? NICK Yeah. ANNIE & BRIDGET Erm, no, thank you. ANNIE Good luck in Paris! Sound of atmospheric accordion music HECTOR Oh, Paris, c'est magnifique!

NICK Hector, where were you? Our play starts soon. HECTOR Oh, OK, good luck. NICK Hector, there's something I've got to tell you. HECTOR Oh, your play starts very soon. Where is the actress who plays the stewardess? NICK Huh! Well, actually she's right here. HECTOR Eh? Good joke! NICK The actress? She's ill. HECTOR Huh? NICK You are going to play the stewardess. Look, there's your costume. HECTOR You are not serious. You are serious? NICK Listen, Sylvia, I am gonna fly this plane. I will need all my crew. You are a professional. I am your captain. Will you fly with me? HECTOR No. No. No, no, no. I am not doing it, hmm! NICK Sylvia! I'm proud of you. HECTOR Oh, shut up. ANNIE What's that? BRIDGET Come and have something to eat. ANNIE Well, the shape looks familiar. EUNICE MOUNTAIN You've guessed. It is that chest. I did some work on it for you. ANNIE Oh! EUNICE MOUNTAIN It looked so boring. I gave it a whole new look. Da-daa!

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

Background atmospheric music ANNIE My grandmother's chest! Ohhh..... BRIDGET Annie. Annie, please... ANNIE Arrrghhhh!! ANNIE [Composing email] Oh, that woman! I can't take much more of her! And I don't know if I can control myself. BRIDGET Annie, Annie, please ANNIE Arrrghhhh!! NICK [Composing email] Paris was great, but there was one problem, Sophie, my actress, was ill. HECTOR Where is the actress who plays the stewardess? NICK Huh! Well, she's ill. HECTOR Huh?

HECTOR What's going on? P.A. ADDRESS Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. There's nothing to worry about, except that the pilot and co-pilot are both ill. Erm, does anybody know how to fly a plane? NICK & HECTOR Aaarrrghhh! NICK Hector! HECTOR Huh? NICK Don't worry. I will fly this plane. HECTOR Nick, you cannot fly this plane! NICK I am Captain Chip Hardy. I can do anything! HECTOR You are just an actor. Captain Chip Hardy is your character. NICK But I have the heart of a pilot. HECTOR Tea? Coffee? Sound of mobile phone ringing BRIDGET Oh, wait a minute. Hello? Oh, really? Oh, excellent! Goodbye. ANNIE Who was that? BRIDGET The builders. Eunice's flat is finished! ANNIE Really? BRIDGET Her flat is ready! ANNIE Wooooohhh! Our flat is ours again! Hoo-hooo-hooo! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Hello, girls. Have you had a nice time? BRIDGET What happened here?

NICK [Composing email] And I had to persuade Hector to play her part instead. NICK You are going to play the stewardess. HECTOR Oh, shut up. NICK Oooh, that was close! We nearly missed the plane. HECTOR Look at the reviews. "Irresistible." NICK "Dazzling." HECTOR And that was just her legs! NICK "The hostess was beautiful - in a masculine way." NICK & HECTOR Aaarrrghhh! Aaarrrghhh!

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

10

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

11

EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, just a little party! It was really fun! BRIDGET OK, Eunice. We've spoken to the builders. Your flat's ready. You can go home now. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, I like it here. I think I'm going to stay. Oh Bridget! Where's my coffee! And Annie, bring my new wig. ANNIE & BRIDGET Nooooooooooo! BRIDGET What do you mean? EUNICE MOUNTAIN What do I mean? I am going to stay. HECTOR Aha! We are back! Paris was great and... ANNIE Oh, pilot Ken and stewardess Barbie! HECTOR But he really is a pilot! He flew the plane! NICK Well, for a moment, until the co-pilot punched me! HECTOR What happened here? A hurricane? ANNIE Yes, something like that. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Well, Nick, what's this? A new job? NICK Yeah, sort of. EUNICE MOUNTAIN So Mr Pilot, shall we have some fun? NICK Yeah, OK! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Will you take my flying? NICK Ha-ha! OK! EUNICE MOUNTAIN Shall we stay here or go to my place? NICK Let's go to your place. This place is a mess! Really, girls, you should tidy up a bit. Episode 24 Pilot Nick 12

HECTOR It is the uniform. BRIDGET Oh, at last, she's gone! ANNIE Oh, Im exhausted! HECTOR Well, if you are tired, can I offer you some tea or coffee?

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Bridget is interested in modern art, Annie is fighting to free farm animals and who else is coming to dinner?

EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 24

Pilot Nick

13

BRIDGET Oh yes. MARTY ROSS So tell the dragon if there are no tickets, I will not present Saturday's show. Episode 25 Narrative TV PRESENTER It's Friday, it's 7 o'clock! Yes, it's time for an evening with Marty Ross!! AND HERES MARTY! BRIDGET But you must, Marty! You're the star! MARTY ROSS But if there are tickets, then I will take her out to dinner. In fact, I'll take anyone out to dinner who gets me those tickets. Anyway, must go. I've got fans to ignore! Well? Carry on. BRIDGET Oh! MARTY ROSS [On TV] Hi, darling. Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together. MARTY ROSS What a professional! BRIDGET So if I get tickets for Damian Pollasco, I get dinner with Marty Ross! Who do I know, who do I know? I know! Dave! He's crazy about me! [Sound of telephone number being dialed] Hi, Dave? It's Bridget. I've got a little favour to ask you. HECTOR Is anybody home? Annie, is that you? Is that Ziggy? I think you should let her out. ANNIE Oh no, it's OK. We're seeing what it's like to be a battery chicken. HECTOR A chicken that runs on batteries? ANNIE No! A chicken that is kept in a small box to lay her eggs. Poor thing. HECTOR But isn't Ziggy a bit... ANNIE Oh no. It makes it more real, doesn't it, Ziggy. Tomorrow there is a big Farm Animal Freedom Protest in Trafalgar Square and we will be demonstrating. NICK Demonstrating what? ANNIE What it's like to be a farm animal. NICK Oh! Sounds exciting! ANNIE Boggy and Moss are coming from Manchester. ZIGGY Episode 25 Art 1 Episode 25 Art 2

MARTY ROSS Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together. [Sound of rewind on TV] Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together. [Sound of rewind on TV ]Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this afternoon together. BRIDGET [Gasping noise] Marty! Hi! I was just writing notes for your show. MARTY ROSS You like what you see, eh? BRIDGET [Laughs] Marty, you're so funny! MARTY ROSS [Clears throat] Is Lady Macbeth in? BRIDGET Who? MARTY ROSS The dragon - Eunice. BRIDGET Oh. Oh no. Marty, you're so funny! MARTY ROSS Has Eunice got any tickets for Damian Pollasco's latest exhibition yet? BRIDGET Who? MARTY ROSS Damian Pollasco. The most important artist this century. He's so raw, so angry. BRIDGET Of course he is. Silly me. I forgot. Good old Damian. MARTY ROSS Anyone who is anyone will be there tomorrow night. [Clears throat] So of course I must be there.

Yay! HECTOR Boggy and Moss? ANNIE Boggy and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors. HECTOR Eco-warriors? ANNIE They fight for the environment. And you two will help us prepare. NICK Ah-ah-ah-ah! Agh!! ANNIE Wont you, boys! BRIDGET [Laughing] Bye! Good old Dave. I knew he'd help me. He just can't resist me. Now, Marty. Sound of mobile phone MARTY ROSS Hi. BRIDGET Oh, hi, Marty. It's Gigi. MARTY ROSS Gee-Gee? ... ... Bridget who? BRIDGET Bridget! Eunice's researcher. MARTY ROSS Have we met? BRIDGET Well, only about a hundred times! Listen, I've got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco. MARTY ROSS Oh, that Bridget. How could I forget you? How about meeting for drinks at your place first? BRIDGET I'd, er, love to, but it's just a simple loft-style apartment. MARTY ROSS Well, I'm sure it's very arty. I can tell a lot about a woman from her art. They call me Arty Marty, you know, and if I like your art, Bridget, maybe dinner afterwards? BRIDGET Oh, Marty! What a surprise! I'd love to! MARTY ROSS Episode 25 Art 3

See you tomorrow, baby!

BRIDGET [Giggling] Bye! MARTY ROSS Ciao! BRIDGET Dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty! What shall I wear? My flat - arty? [Flashback sequence] - Annie, look at this flat. ANNIE Sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET Right, I've got twenty four hours. ANNIE [Composing email] It is the Farm Animal Freedom Protest tomorrow and Ziggy and I want to demonstrate what it is like to be a poor farm animal. HECTOR I think you should let her out. ANNIE Oh no, it's OK. ANNIE [Composing email] Boggy and Moss the eco-warriors are coming from Manchester! ANNIE Boggie and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors. ANNIE [Composing email] Oh, its so exciting! ANNIE And you two will help us prepare. BRIDGET [Composing email] Guess what? Marty Ross and I are going to the preview of Damian Pollasco's exhibition! BRIDGET Ive got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco. BRIDGET [Composing email] Hes coming to our apartment for drinks first. Marty says he can tell a lot about a woman from her art! MARTY ROSS They call me Arty Marty, you know. BRIDGET And what is going on this time? ANNIE Oh, hi, Bridget. I'm feeding Hector cornflakes. BRIDGET Episode 25 Art 4

Oh really? And why? ANNIE He's a turkey. BRIDGET Ah yes, of course he is. ANNIE Turkeys are made to eat lots for Christmas. BRIDGET Well, we all eat lots at Christmas. ANNIE No, it's cruel. It's to make them fat for humans to eat. BRIDGET Let me guess - he is a baby cow?

Well, I'm not doing it. ANNIE Oh, come on, Nick. It won't take long. NICK Uh-uh. ANNIE I'll give Ziggy the keys to your flat. NICK [Sound of nervous laughter] OK, let's get on with it! Sound of snoring BRIDGET There! That's better! Marty will love it! ANNIE The things I do for Bridget's love life. NICK What about Bridget's love life? BRIDGET Right, I'll be back with Marty at 6 o'clock, so Annie, I want nibbles... HECTOR Nibbles? BRIDGET ...nuts, crisps. Hector, you prepare the drinks and Nick... try to be more interesting and don't let me down. NICK I want 21st century! I want art! Yeah! I'll show her interesting! Sound of door slamming HECTOR Poofff! I'm taking the day off work today. ANNIE Oh no, you're not. We've got lots to do before tonight. HECTOR Bridget's nibbles? ANNIE No! The Farm Animal Freedom Protest. HECTOR Oh. ANNIE Boggy and Moss are coming here and I want you to look after them, Hector, OK? Come on, Ziggy. NICK

ANNIE Nearly. He is a veal calf. Poor thing. We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest. BRIDGET Oh no you're not. You're preparing this flat because Marty Ross is coming for drinks. NICK Not Marty Ross? Hey, darling, let's spend the evening together. BRIDGET Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle. ANNIE So this preparation, what is it? BRIDGET I want this flat to look like the coolest art gallery in London -- the Tate Modern. HECTOR The Tate Modern? NICK No furniture. BRIDGET I want 21st century. I want art! ANNIE So how are you going to do this? BRIDGET I'm not going to do it - you are! NICK Oh. BRIDGET I must get my beauty sleep. See you in the morning. Have fun! NICK [Sound of burping] Episode 25 Art 5

Episode 25

Art

Interesting? I'll show you interesting, Bridget Evans. Hmm! Ah! Interesting, interesting! Nah, too Picasso. Whooff! No, too sporty and stupid. Yes! This is the one! Nah. [Imitates sound of cock crowing] Don't be ridiculous. Nearly, not quite. Bingo!

HECTOR Great. Oh! You found something to eat. Good. Ah, you like that? Good, good, good. Annie says you can go to Trafalgar Square. Now. [Sound of mobile phone ringing] Oh! It is the phone again! Phones ring, don't they. They..., excuse me. Hello? BRIDGET Hello, Hector. Did you get the nibbles? HECTOR Oh, the nibbles, the nibbles. Yes, of course Bridget. BRIDGET Well done, Hector. I knew I could rely on you. HECTOR That was Bridget, Annie's friend. NICK Now am I interesting? .. ... bad? Whoa! Hey! This is interesting! HECTOR Nick, what shall I do? It was Boggy and Moss. NICK Oh, look, don't worry. We can tidy this up. Look! See? Look. HECTOR Yeah, that looks much better. NICK Still, at least I brought the drinks. HECTOR And I have the nibbles. NICK What? HECTOR The nibbles. NICK Very good. HECTOR Oh no! Boggy and Moss ate them! NICK Ahh! Look at this! Eh? Mmm! Tastes good. Mmm! HECTOR Mmm! NICK See? Bridget won't even notice the mess. BRIDGET & MARTY [Laughing] BRIDGET

NICK [Composing email] What a day! What a night! First I had to pretend I was a veal calf for Annies protest photos. ANNIE Poor thing. We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest. NICK [Composing email] Ziggy fed me lots of milk. Then, Bridget made us change the flat so it looked arty. BRIDGET I want 21st century! I want art! NICK [Composing email] It's all for stupid Marty Ross. NICK Hey darling, lets spend the evening together. BRIDGET Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle. Sound of knocking on door HECTOR Oh, Oggy, Moss, mmm. Excuse me, I am not..., Come in, come in. Please sit down. So, you are Annie's friends, huh? I am Annie's boyfriend. Would you like a drink? You would? You wouldn't. Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Oh! Aha! [Sound of mobile phone ringing] It is my phone! I know you know it is a phone, but it is ringing, so I must... excuse me. Annie, I'm so happy you rang. ANNIE Hector, I'm in the ladies toilets in Trafalgar Square. Have Boggy and Moss arrived yet? HECTOR Yes. Annie, they are a bit... ANNIE Aren't they sweet? HECTOR Yes, very sweet. It is just that they... All right, chaps? Won't be a minute. It is just that they are a bit scary. ANNIE Oh, Hector, don't be so silly. HECTOR Oh. ANNIE Tell them to come to Trafalgar Square now.

Episode 25

Art

Episode 25

Art

Oh, Marty, you're so funny! Anyway, here is my humble home. NICK Mr Ross, I'm a huge fan. BRIDGET What is that? ANNIE It's a pig pen. We stole it from a farm lorry! BRIDGET What a shame, no pig. ANNIE Oh, Boggy and Moss are bringing her later. BRIDGET This place... MARTY ROSS This place is very... BRIDGET I'm so angry! MARTY ROSS Angry! I love it! BRIDGET Yes. Yes, it's my angry art phase. All my own ideas, you know. NICK Cocktail? HECTOR Nibble? MARTY ROSS And this is fantastic. Original? BRIDGET Oh, very original. MARTY ROSS Very Damian Pollasco. Ooh, I love art. They call me Arty Marty, you know. BRIDGET Oh! MARTY ROSS Is it... for sale? NICK The man's an idiot. He wants to buy a wall. Much too expensive. HECTOR Much too precious. MARTY ROSS Name your price. Episode 25 Art 9 Episode 25 Art 10 MARTY ROSS Can you deliver them to me tomorrow? NICK Sure. No problem. BRIDGET Nick, what's this cocktail called?

NICK Ah, it's an Arty Marty. It's rich, sickly and very thick. Sound of laughter BRIDGET Oh, Nick, your date is here. NICK Of course she is. Sound of pig snorting/laughter COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes to the dentist, Annie can't speak and why does an inspector call? EXTRA, don't miss it!

BRIDGET Oh, just for a check-up. Episode 26 Narrative Sound of knocking on door DETECTIVE HUNT Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? ANNIE So we went to the restaurant and it was a very good vegetarian restaurant and I had the peppers and Hector had the mushrooms, which was very nice because Hector doesn't like mushrooms, so I said to him that it was good for him to try. BRIDGET Annie! ANNIE Oh, and then afterwards, we went for a lovely walk and it was such a beautiful evening, and the birds were singing... BRIDGET Annie! Will you shut up! ANNIE Sorry. BRIDGET You have been talking non-stop for twenty minutes. ANNIE I know. It's, it's because I'm doing a sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents. BRIDGET Sponsored silence. So why are you talking? ANNIE Well, it doesn't start till 10 o'clock so if I talk a lot now, then I won't have to talk later. Anyway, what's wrong with your mouth? BRIDGET Oh, er, nothing. ANNIE Have you got a spot? Oh! I'll call an ambulance. BRIDGET No, but I am going to see my beautician later. ANNIE What for? Episode 26 Alibi 1 Episode 26 Alibi 2 BRIDGET Exactly. I'm going to the beautician's to check... ANNIE Check that you're beautiful? BRIDGET Of course not. I don't have to check I'm beautiful, do I. NICK Oooh! HECTOR Hey, Nick, do you like my new clothes, huh? Nick! NICK Ohhhhhh! HECTOR Nick! What is the matter? You can tell me. Oh, you have a toothache. Then if you have a toothache, you must go to the den..... NICK Aaaarrrghhh! HECTOR Can't I say the word 'den....? OK, I won't say the 'D' word. I call him, erm, plumber. OK, so when did you last see the plumber? NICK Ah-ah? HECTOR That's not too bad, five months ago. Five years ago? No? When you were five years old? NICK Ah-ah-ah. HECTOR Whoo-hoo-hoo. It's going to be a big job. He'll need a big drill. Come on! The girls must know a good plumber. Come on! Do you want a sweetie? Do you want a sweetie? Uh-uh-uh, sweets are bad for your teeth. Come on. NICK Ah-ah-ah! ANNIE A check-up? But you go to the dentist for a check-up, for your teeth.

HECTOR Oh, hi, sugar-plum. ANNIE Hello, snuggly-puppykins. Ooh! Nice clothes. New? HECTOR Yeah, thanks. ANNIE Is Nick rehearsing for the pantomime? HECTOR No, he has a toothache so he must see the plumber. ANNIE No, no, no, Hector. For a toothache, he must see the dentist. NICK Whaaaaahhhh! HECTOR Shh, shh, shh! I know that, but Nick doesn't like the 'D' word. ANNIE Oh, dentist. NICK Ah-ah-ah! HECTOR So I'm calling the dentist a plumber. So do you know a good plumber? BRIDGET A plumber? What for? ANNIE Nick has toothache. BRIDGET Well, he doesn't need a plumber. He needs a dentist. NICK Aaah! Sound of dentists drill ANNIE Yes, Hector, we have the number of a very good plumber - Julian. BRIDGET Oh, Julian! He's so gentle.

ANNIE He's so married! Oh, hi, Julian. Listen, we have an emergency here. What are the symptoms? Oh, shaking, squealing..., yeah, just a toothache. You can? Oh, thank you! Bye! Sorted. He'll see Nick now. HECTOR OK, come on, Nick. Come on. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick. Assorted groaning noises/sound of door slamming BRIDGET Julian looked in my mouth once. He said, "Bridget, you've got wonderful teeth." ANNIE With a mouth that big, I'm surprised he didn't fall in! Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Hello? Whos this? Bernard? BRIDGET [In flashback] Oh! Hello, Bernard. ANNIE Oh, hello, Bernard. You've been what? Robbed? When? When you were in the bath? All your clothes? And your keys? Oh, poor Bernard. Listen, you must call the police, OK? OK. Bye. Poor Bernard. It's ten o'clock! My sponsored silence starts now. NICK [Composing email] Oh, I've got a toothache. I don't want to go to the - dentist, but Hector says I must go. HECTOR He'll need a big drill. NICK Arrrghhh! HECTOR Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha! NICK Owwww! ANNIE [Composing email] This morning I started my sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents. ANNIE If I talk a lot now, then I won't have to talk later. ANNIE [Composing email] I won't have to speak, because Bridget has gone to see a beautician. ANNIE Have you got a spot?

Episode 26

Alibi

Episode 26

Alibi

ANNIE [Composing email] Oh!! It was urgent!! ANNIE Ill call an ambulance! ANNIE [Composing email] You won't believe this, but our neighbour Bernard has had all his clothes stolen. ANNIE All your clothes? And your keys? ANNIE [Composing email] I wonder who could have done such a terrible thing? Poor Bernard! I told him he must call the police. Sound of knocking on door

HECTOR He's just been to see the plumber. DETECTIVE HUNT The plumber? HECTOR Yes, he had a toothache. DETECTIVE HUNT But you don't go to the plumber when you've got a toothache. You go to the den.... HECTOR Biscuit? DETECTIVE HUNT Den.... Anyway, I'm here to investigate a robbery of Bernard Reynolds. HECTOR Huh! Somebody has stolen Bernard! NICK Ha-ha-ha-ha!! DETECTIVE HUNT It's not a robbery. Bernard Reynolds' clothes! HECTOR Oh, who would want Bernard's clothes? DETECTIVE HUNT So I'm investigating everybody in the building, because someone has stolen Bernard Reynolds' clothes. Where were you last night? HECTOR I was with Annie. Annie? DETECTIVE HUNT Oh, it's OK. She can't speak for chair-I-tea! Anyway, what about Nwiff? NICK Huh? Well, I [Assorted noises]. HECTOR Show me, Nick. NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR Ah! I went to Leo's Bar...

DETECTIVE HUNT Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? Why not? You can't speak, I'm sorry. Oh, you can speak. Are you trying to be funny with me, young lady? I no speak for, hmm, one word, three syllables. First syllable - sit. Seat? Chair? Second syllable - A, E, I, I, Tea. Chair-I-Tea. Chair-i-tea? You're being silent for charity! Ah, but which charity? Cow? Dog? Cat? Pig? Got it! Pigs Without Parents! HECTOR Is this man bothering you, Annie? Because if he is, I am going to show him some Argentinean.... DETECTIVE HUNT Detective David Hunt of the Metropolitan Police. HECTOR ...respect. DETECTIVE HUNT And you are? HECTOR Hector Romero. DETECTIVE HUNT Ah, I suspect you're not English, eh? HECTOR He is a very good detective. NICK Ha-ha-ha! DETECTIVE HUNT And you are? NICK [ Unintelligible ] Episode 26 Alibi 5

Episode 26

Alibi

NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR I had a beer... NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR There was a beautiful girl... NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR And a motorbike? DETECTIVE HUNT You were with a young woman on a motorbike? Motorbike. Registration? NICK [Assorted noises]. DETECTIVE HUNT Name of the young woman? NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR Oh, he wasn't with her. DETECTIVE HUNT Ah! The young woman was on television on a motorbike! HECTOR & NICK [Assorted noises]. DETECTIVE HUNT I saw that! Very nice! Gee, I'm getting good at this. ANNIE [Composing email] Anyway, I was being silent and there was a knock on the door. Sound of knocking on door DETECTIVE HUNT Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? ANNIE [Composing email] It was a policeman, a detective! DETECTIVE HUNT Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? Episode 26 Alibi 7

ANNIE [Composing email] Unfortunately, I could not speak, because of my sponsored silence. DETECTIVE HUNT Chair-i-Tea? ANNIE [Composing email] And worse still, I had to tell him why. DETECTIVE HUNT Got it! Pigs Without Parents! NICK Oh!! NICK [Composing email] When Hector and I came back from the dentist [oww!] - a policeman was waiting for us. He wanted to know where I was last night. [Uh-oh!] ... .. .. .... Huh? Oh, well, I ... ... ... .. Ow! Anyway, Hector managed to translate for me, unfortunately! DETECTIVE HUNT Motorbike. Registration? NICK [Assorted noises]. DETECTIVE HUNT Name of the young woman? NICK [Assorted noises]. Sound of knocking on door BERNARD REYNOLDS Oh, there you are! DETECTIVE HUNT Oh, hello, Mr Reynolds. BERNARD REYNOLDS Well, have you caught them? DETECTIVE HUNT Who? BERNARD REYNOLDS The robbers. The robbers who stole my clothes. DETECTIVE HUNT Ah, yes. My investigations are going very well. BERNARD REYNOLDS [Makes loud sneezing noise]

Episode 26

Alibi

HECTOR Oh, you have a cold, Bernard? Oh, you need some clothes? BERNARD REYNOLDS What a week! First Mum went away to play bingo all weekend! HECTOR Bingo? NICK [Assorted noises]. BERNARD REYNOLDS Two fat ladies, 88. NICK [Assorted noises]. BERNARD REYNOLDS Clickety-click, 66. Well, anyway, and then someone stole my clothes. DETECTIVE HUNT Bingo! BERNARD REYNOLDS Ah, Digestives! My favourite. Sound of door opening DETECTIVE HUNT Aha! You must be Miss Evans. HECTOR And this is Sherlock Holmes! DETECTIVE HUNT Bridget, I'd like to ask you a few questions. BRIDGET Bernard's wearing my dressing gown! What are you staring at? HECTOR Nothing. NICK [Assorted noises]. DETECTIVE HUNT Is there something wrong with your top lip? BRIDGET No. BERNARD REYNOLDS Yes, there is. It's bright red. Episode 26 Alibi 9

BRIDGET It doesn't show, does it? HECTOR & BERNARD No, no, no. BRIDGET They told me in the salon no one would notice! [Sound of Bridget blowing her nose]. Thank you. I wanted perfect lips, but I didn't have enough money, so a student did them. HECTOR What, a butcher student? DETECTIVE HUNT There, there. You're still very pretty. BRIDGET Am I? Really? DETECTIVE HUNT Really. Where were you last night? BRIDGET Looking in the mirror. DETECTIVE HUNT All night? BRIDGET Yes, all night. DETECTIVE HUNT How can anyone spend all night looking at themselves in the mirror? NICK [Assorted noises]. HECTOR Oh, Bridget would.

Episode 26

Alibi

10

DETECTIVE HUNT Why buy new clothes when you can steal somebody else's? BERNARD REYNOLDS Yeah! ANNIE Oooh!! Do these look like Bernard's clothes? HECTOR, BRIDGET, NICK & DETECTIVE HUNT Ooooh!! BERNARD REYNOLDS They could be. My colour. ANNIE Oh no! I spoke! You! You made me speak! BRIDGET, NICK & HECTOR Oooh! Sound of telephone ringing BRIDGET Hello? Yes, he's here. I'll get him. Bernard? It's your mother. BERNARD REYNOLDS Hello, Mum. You're back. How was bingo? Mum, someone stole my clothes. Oh! Oh! Ah. HECTOR & NICK Ahhh. BERNARD REYNOLDS OK. Right, I'm off. Mum's back. She's cooking my tea. BRIDGET Bernard, what about your clothes? BERNARD REYNOLDS It's OK. She's got them. DETECTIVE HUNT What?! HECTOR What? NICK What? BERNARD REYNOLDS She put them in the washing machine before she went to bingo.

DETECTIVE HUNT So let me summarise everybody's alibis. Annie is doing a sponsored silence for Pigs With No Parents. She would not have had time to take Bernard's clothes. And what's more, Bernard's clothes would be too big for her. Hmm, Nwiff was watching Babes and Bikes on television. I watched that too, so he may be telling the truth. Bridget was looking at herself in the mirror all night. Huh! An unlikely story. However, if I accuse her, she'll start crying again and I can't stand hysterical women. Which brings me to Hector. Hector's wearing a terrible suit. It looks stolen. Nobody would buy it, surely. And his only alibi is Annie, and guess what? She can't speak! But the clues do speak! Hunt, you're a genius! I think that someone here is not telling the truth and I think that someone is you! HECTOR But I told you: I was with Annie. DETECTIVE HUNT Annie hasn't said she was with you. BERNARD REYNOLDS That's true. HECTOR She can't speak. She is doing a sponsored silence for chair-I-tea. DETECTIVE HUNT It doesn't matter. Did you go out at all? HECTOR Yes. DETECTIVE HUNT Where? HECTOR Shopping. DETECTIVE HUNT Shopping? For what? HECTOR Some new clothes. DETECTIVE HUNT These new clothes? Now let me get this straight. You need some new clothes and Mr Reynolds' clothes have been stolen. So what does that tell me? HECTOR Yes, but I...

Episode 26

Alibi

11

Episode 26

Alibi

12

HECTOR & NICK Oh. BERNARD REYNOLDS Bye! HECTOR So Bernard's clothes were in the washing machine all the time. DETECTIVE HUNT Well, yes, as I suspected. That's another case solved. I'll be off then. ANNIE Oh no you won't. DETECTIVE HUNT What?! ANNIE You owe me 120 for Pigs With No Parents. You made me speak. DETECTIVE HUNT Well, will dollars do? NICK Ow!! Episode 27 Narrative TV VOICE OVER Its time for Can You Live Without And heres someone you just cant live without its MARTY!! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] But what Sharon doesnt realise is weve got a camera in the bathroom. Ha-ha-ha!! ANNIE Oh, thats disgusting! She must know that we can see her! HECTOR Ooh, I think it is quite clever! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] But what are Paul and Mandy doing in the living room? BRIDGET Theyre kissing. Theyre kissing. NICK Theyre not kissing, theyre whispering. BRIDGET What? Do you call this whispering? NICK Aaah! Lets think of another name for it! BRIDGET Paul and Mandy said they could live without kissing for twenty four hours, and look theyve failed! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] And Paul and Mandy lose points for that. Weve caught them kissing see you after the break! VOICE OVER/ADVERTISEMENT Can You Live Without is sponsored by Clouds Toilet Tissue. ANNIE Well, I couldnt live without kissing Hector for twenty four hours. BRIDGET Why dont you try? ANNIE Hector! I wish youd stop chewing gum! Episode 26 Alibi 13 Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 1

COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, the girls enter a game show and guess what Hector finds on his jumper? EXTRA, don't miss it.

HECTOR Im not chewing. ANNIE Yes you are! Youre always chewing. HECTOR No ooh-ooh. ANNIE I bet you couldnt stop chewing gum for twenty four hours. HECTOR Well yes I could, and anyway you suck your thumb. ANNIE I do not. Well, only when Im stressed. NICK Hey! Ive had an idea! ANNIE & BRIDGET Oh no! NICK We could be contestants on Can You Live Without ? ASSORTED SPEAKERS Oh/ah/hmm/oh. NICK We could do it. Its just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things! It would be easy! Think of the prize money! BRIDGET And Marty Ross presents it. He would come to my apartment again! HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK Oh no! BRIDGET Oh Marty, hes got such good taste. MARTY ROSS [Flashback to previous episode] And this is fantastic original. ANNIE So what happened to Marty? BRIDGET Oh, he said he needed time away from me to really appreciate me. Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 2

NICK Oh, so he dumped you then. BRIDGET He did not! Ow!! ANNIE Anyway, Bridget, are you feeling persuasive? BRIDGET Of course, Im always feeling persuasive. ANNIE Well, its time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without And then Marty can make it happen. BRIDGET Ill try. Loud thumping noise NICK Ow!!! VOICE ON TANNOY Mr Ross to Studio B please. Sound of door opening/shutting/laughter BRIDGET Hello Marty. MARTY ROSS Hello. Ah, erm, BRIDGET Bridget! MARTY ROSS Bridget? BRIDGET Bridget, Eunices researcher! We had dinner last month. MARTY ROSS Oh, that Bridget, erm, what do you want? BRIDGET Ive got something to say. MARTY ROSS Well, Im not the father! Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 3

BRIDGET Oh no! Nothing like that! MARTY ROSS Oh well, what is it then? BRIDGET My friends and I want to be contestants on Can You Live Without MARTY ROSS Oh, I wish I could help you, but its not my decision, its the producers. Now, I must go. BRIDGET Erm, you cant help me. Well thats a shame. MARTY ROSS Yes it is. BRIDGET Because Id hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-huh. Or this. Hmm. MARTY ROSS Where did you get them? BRIDGET Hah! Dont you remember? Im Eunices researcher. I research! Oh, I wish I could help you, but its not my decision, its the newspapers. MARTY ROSS All right, all right. Ill see what I can do. ANNIE [Composing email] I love the TV show Can You Live Without ANNIE Its time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without ANNIE [Composing email] I think Bridget, Nick, Hector and I should go on it. Sometimes I wonder whether Hector can live without chewing gum! ANNIE Hector, I wish youd stop chewing gum! BRIDGET [Composing email] Guess what! I persuaded Marty Ross to get us on Can You Live Without BRIDGET Because Id hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-hah. Or this. BRIDGET [Composing email] If we can live without our favourite things, well win a super holiday.

NICK We could do it! Its just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things! BRIDGET [Composing email] It will be easy for me, but I dont know about the others. Loud thumping noise NICK Ow!! TV VOICE OVER Its time for Can You Live Without And heres someone you just cant live without ITS MARTY!! MARTY ROSS Hello darlings! Do you want to spend the next twenty four hours with me?! AUDIENCE YEAH!! MARTY ROSS Correct answer! Yes, lets see what the people who live here, can live without. But huh, it looks like they live without anything, anyway! Now, lets meet the contestants Sound of cheering/applause MARTY ROSS You first, pretty lady, whats your name? BRIDGET Oh, you already know my name, Marty. MARTY ROSS Hah-hah-hah, we have a pretty joker here! Dont get smart, sweetie, this is my show, photo or no photo. BRIDGET Erm, Bridget. MARTY ROSS Good luck, Bridget. Applause/sound of wolf whistles MARTY ROSS And who do we have here? ANNIE Hello. My name is Annie and Im Hectors girlfriend and I love Charley, erm, my, my dog. MARTY ROSS So, which one could you live without? 4 Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 5

Episode 27

Can You Live Without?

ANNIE Oh, erm MARTY ROSS Ha-ha, enough said! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sound of applause

Sound of applause MARTY ROSS Annie, you must live without touching Hector, sucking your thumb and most of all, you must live without Charley! Sound of applause MARTY ROSS Hector, you must live without touching Annie and chewing gum. Sound of applause MARTY ROSS Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motorbikes! And all of you must live without television, magazines and music twenty four hours of living without starts now!! Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS And this is Hector. So, Hector, Annie loves her dog more than you, ha-ha-ha-ha! Mind you, Hector does sound like a dogs name, doesnt it! Here Hector, here boy! Oh-oh, dont bite! And, last of all and least of all, ha-ha-ha-ha, its erm, hello, is anybody there? I know, youre a fish, ha-ha-ha-ha! NICK Ahm, hi [sound of Nick clearing his throat/stumbling over words] Erm, Nick. MARTY ROSS Hi, N-N-Nick! And what do you like?

MARTY ROSS Come on, Charley. Youre coming with me. Sound of Charley whining MARTY ROSS Dont forget Ill be watching! Sound of applause NICK No television! ANNIE & BRIDGET Aah! BRIDGET No touching. If you touch, we lose points and we wont win a big prize. Aaah!! No makeup, what must I look like? Ah!! ANNIE Ah-ah-ah-ah, and no mirrors! NICK [Makes baboon-type noises]

NICK [sound of Nick stumbling over words] MARTY ROSS Bananas! NICK Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba MARTY ROSS Baboons, you like baboons! You are a baboon then! Youre a small baboon! NICK Ba-ba-ba MARTY ROSS Its not baboons. You like b-babes! NICK B-irds MARTY ROSS Sorry, this is Nick and he likes babes. Sound of applause MARTY ROSS Well, lets get on with it. As usual, each of these contestants has picked one thing that their flatmates cannot live without for twenty four hours! Bridget you must live without chocolate [ah!] mirrors [ah!] and makeup! [Ahh!]

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at that guy, he looks like a monkey at the zoo! So how will they do? Top points could mean a holiday in the Caribbean! But- if they fail they lose points and their prize holiday could be this! Of course we might give them one or two temptations to make interesting television. Join me after the break! NICK [Composing email] So, Bridget has to live without make-up, mirrors and chocolate.

Episode 27

Can You Live Without?

Episode 27

Can You Live Without?

BRIDGET Aah! NICK [Composing email] Annie mustnt suck her thumb and Hector must stop chewing gum. Oh, Hector and Annie mustnt touch each other. MARTY ROSS You must live without touching Hector. NICK [Composing email] Me? I mustnt talk about babes and motorbikes. MARTY ROSS Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motor bikes. NICK [Composing email] That doesnt stop me dreaming about them, though! MARTY ROSS Twenty four hours of living without starts now! NICK I think its going to rain. ANNIE Do you? HECTOR I agree. NICK Manchester United are doing well. ANNIE Are they? HECTOR I agree. NICK I think its going to rain. BRIDGET Weather and football, is that all you can talk about? NICK No, well yesterday I met this really cute b ANNIE, HECTOR & BRIDGET Aaah! ANNIE Dont say it! Do not talk about babes or motorbikes!

HECTOR Hey! ANNIE Careful! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Bridget, no mirrors, you lose ten points! BRIDGET But its not a mirror, its a kettle! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Dont argue! You lose another ten points! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Well, its all quiet now! Ha-ha-ha! What about some temptation! BRIDGET Hector, what is in your mouth? HECTOR Nothing. ANNIE Are you chewing gum, Hector? HECTOR No. BRIDGET No hes not. Hes chewing this! ANNIE Open! BRIDGET That was from the Red Sea, it cost a lot of money. Ah! Grr! I could kill for some chocolate! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ha-ha-ha-ah! This should be fun! BRIDGET [Reading note] Bridget, I love the show, oh, love from, oh, Orlando Bloom! Ah! Ah! Orlando Bloom, watching me! Oh, I hope you didnt hear me say that! Ha-ha-ha-ha! What do I look like? Oh, what do I look like?! Oh!! Sound of Charley whining HECTOR What are you doing, Annie? ANNIE Oh! Im talking to Charley! 8 Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 9

Episode 27

Can You Live Without?

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Annie, you must live without Charley, you lose ten points! Ha-ha-ha! ANNIE What?!! ANNIE Hector, dont move! HECTOR What is it? ANNIE It, its OK, just dont move! HECTOR Im not going anywhere! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ooh, what Hector doesnt know is that weve put that spider on his jumper! Ooh, this is wonderful TV! ANNIE Oh, think, think! Ah, one minute! Ah-ha! Thats better. Now, well just brush this little fellow off. HECTOR Dont touch it! ANNIE Its, its OK. Im sure its not poisonous! HECTOR How do you know? Anyway, if you touch me, we will lose points!

ANNIE Hector! This is a toy! HECTOR Oh, ha-ha-ha! I knew that! ANNIE Oh Hector, you were so funny! Marty has played a trick on us! HECTOR Yeah, very funny! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ooh! Whos a cross boy?! Things are getting really hot now and theyve still got over twelve hours to go! ANNIE You know Hector, I really think we can do this! We can win that holiday! HECTOR Mmm. BRIDGET Hello Annie. ANNIE Bridget, what are you doing in there? BRIDGET Im erm, just reading the electricity meter. ANNIE Come here. And why are you wearing dark glasses? BRIDGET I dont want Orlando to see me without make-up. ANNIE Bridget! Is that chocolate?!

NICK [Making kissing noises] Thank you, thank you oh mmm prrr- prrr prrr! Yeah! [Sound of kissing] Ah! ANNIE OK. Now stay still! Hah! HECTOR Oh, oh-oh!! ANNIE Dont move! Hang on a minute! HECTOR Oh!

BRIDGET Erm, no! Oh! But theyre from Orlando! Oh! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ha-ha-ha, no chocolate, Bridget, you lose one hundred points! Sound of motorbike revving NICK Nick has entered the building! BRIDGET Nick! Can You Live Without? 10 Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 11

Episode 27

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Yes! Annie and Hector touched, they lose two hundred points! ANNIE What?! HECTOR It was an accident! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] Ha-ha-ha! And best of all Nick, you cant live without motorbikes! So you lose five hundred points! BRIDGET No, no, no, no! You said, no talking about motorbikes, actually, big nose! NICK Yeah, Marty, so thanks for the present, you can keep your holiday! Hah! MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera] What?! You cant do that! NICK Baby, fancy a ride? BRIDGET Ye-ah! Oh Hector, this is for Marty, or should I say Martina! Sound of laughter NICK So Marty, if you want the bike, come and get it! HECTOR Sorry Marty, we can live without you! Goodbye! Oh, and Marty I think your audience will love this picture of you! MARTY ROSS Oh-no-no-no!! HECTOR Come on Annie, we have lots of catching up to do! ANNIE Oh Hector, catch me! COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA! Nick plays Santa, while Hector and Annie play under the mistletoe BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumph COMMENTARY [v.o.] EXTRA, dont miss it! Episode 27 Can You Live Without? 12

BRIDGET Oh come ye, oh come ye to da-da-da-da!

Episode 27

Can You Live Without?

13

HECTOR What? In the taxi? Episode 28 Narrative Christmas music ANNIE Mmm. I love this time of year! Sleigh bells, mince pies, presents under the tree! HECTOR What? Easter? ANNIE No, silly! Christmas! HECTOR Oh!! ANNIE Im going to show you what a traditional English Christmas is like, starting with mistletoe. HECTOR Mistle-toe? ANNIE Its an English tradition. When you stand under it, you can kiss someone. HECTOR But I am not under any mistletoe. ANNIE You are now. HECTOR Oh-ho-ho!! BRIDGET Oh, you poor things! Youre stuck together again. Dont worry, I can help! There, panic over! Right, Im off. ANNIE What? Another television party? BRIDGET Not a party, three more parties. And thats just tonight. ANNIE But youve been to a Christmas party every night for two weeks! BRIDGET I know, its so difficult being so popular. First, theres a champagne party at the Savoy, then at nine o'clock Ill get a taxi to the Ritz and get changed on the way. HECTOR Ho-ho-ho. BRIDGET And then at eleven thirty Ill get a taxi to Annabels. HECTOR Annabel, who is she? BRIDGET Annabels, the night club. HECTOR Will you change your clothes in the taxi again?! BRIDGET And there I hope I will meet a young, handsome man, an early Christmas present! Sound of door slamming NICK I hate Christmas! BRIDGET Did you have a bad day at the grotto dear? NICK Ha-hmm! ANNIE Nick, is that snow? NICK No. ANNIE Well, whats that on your beard then? NICK I was holding this baby coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly ergh! Ha, Christmas! ANNIE But children love Christmas. NICK Hmm. BRIDGET Is the money good? BRIDGET Naturally.

Episode 28

Christmas

Episode 28

Christmas

NICK N-Yeah. BRIDGET Well, stop complaining then! NICK S-sss! ANNIE Hector and I are going to have a lovely Christmas, arent we Hector. HECTOR Mmm. BRIDGET Christmas is all about parties and PRESENTS! ANNIE So Bridget, have you got your Christmas stocking ready? HECTOR Ha! Shes taking her stockings off in the taxi! NICK Ahh! Ha-hmm-hmm. BRIDGET Dont wait up. Sound of door closing HECTOR Erm, what is a Christmas stocking? ANNIE On Christmas Eve, you hang up your Christmas stocking and a big, jolly Father Christmas comes and fills it up with presents! NICK Ho-ho-ho. Crashing noise/scream BRIDGET Who put that sleigh there?!! NICK Ooh! My sleigh! I forgot. Oh-oh-oh! Sound of running footsteps/door slams/Christmas music BRIDGET Mind my leg. Oh!!

Assorted background noises BRIDGET Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible! ANNIE Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain? BRIDGET No, but what about the parties? I cant go like this! NICK I could take you dancing! BRIDGET Ow!! Christmas is cancelled! Sound of cracker being pulled NICK Hey, hee-hee-hee! HECTOR Is that it? NICK Yeah, crackers are great! HECTOR So, what else do you have at Christmas? NICK Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies. HECTOR Mince pies. How do you make them? NICK Oh, its just pastry and mincemeat. HECTOR Mince meat? NICK Yeah, its traditional, its sultanas, raisins and spices. Its mince HECTOR Meat. NICK Yeah, ah-hah Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock? HECTOR I dont know.

Episode 28

Christmas

Episode 28

Christmas

NICK An alarm cluck! An alarm cluck! Ha-ha! HECTOR I dont get it. NICK An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck! HECTOR A clock?! Christmas music ANNIE [Composing email] Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe. HECTOR Mistle-toe? ANNIE Its an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone. ANNIE [Composing email] Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas. NICK I was holding this baby coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly ! ANNIE [Composing email] Those naughty children! He-he-he! BRIDGET [Composing email] I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to. BRIDGET Its so difficult being so popular. BRIDGET [Composing email] But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall. NICK Oh, my sleigh! I forgot! BRIDGET [Composing email] I fell over it and broke my leg! Crashing noise/scream Christmas music HECTOR Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding right, mince pies! First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!

Christmas music HECTOR Mmm, they smell good, dont they Charley. Sound of door opening/closing ANNIE Phew! Well Ive finished all my Christmas shopping. HECTOR Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie? ANNIE Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever. HECTOR I followed the rec-eep. ANNIE p. HECTOR Mince p? ANNIE No, no, no. Rec-ipe. HECTOR Oh, rec-ipe. ANNIE Mmm. HECTOR Hmm. ANNIE Umm. HECTOR Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas! ANNIE Yuk!! HECTOR Something wrong? ANNIE Its dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley? ANNIE & HECTOR Hmm/Mmm/Umm.

Episode 28

Christmas

Episode 28

Christmas

ANNIE Hey, its Saint Nicholas! NICK Oh! HECTOR Nick, what happened to your beard? NICK Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child woomph! Laughter NICK Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah! HECTOR With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm. ANNIE Erm, Hector. HECTOR Hmm? ANNIE What did you put in the pies? HECTOR Mince meat from the best butcher. ANNIE This is mincemeat. This is minced meat. HECTOR Isnt it the same thing? ANNIE Not quite. NICK Ha-ha! Delicious! ANNIE Hey, Ive got an idea! Lets make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget. Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music MALE NURSE Night-night. ANNIE Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing? Episode 28 Christmas 7

HECTOR Who is Carol? ANNIE Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on peoples doors and sing to them for money. NICK Lets do it! Hmm! ANNIE For charity! For poor little children. NICK Huh! ANNIE Some children have no Christmas. BRIDGET Just like me. ANNIE And your job as Santa Claus is so important. You help children to believe in Christmas! NICK Yes, youre right, Annie, I do. My job is important! I help children to believe!! Christmas music ANNIE Right, lets go! BRIDGET Ill go, only if we can sing Abba songs. HECTOR And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie. BRIDGET Oh, all right. Christmas music BRIDGET Ugh! BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK Away in a manger OFF SCREEN VOICE Dog in a manger, more like, good night!

Episode 28

Christmas

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK Silent night OFF SCREEN VOICE I wish you were, all night! BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK We Three Kings of Orient are one on a scooter, one in a car . OFF SCREEN VOICE Get lost! BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK Merrily on high OFF SCREEN VOICE Get em Gnasher. Sound of dog barking BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph Sound of dogs barking BRIDGET [Voice fades into background singing O Come All Ye Faithful] Christmas music

ANNIE Really. NICK Oh, and Ive just finished my Christmas shopping. ANNIE But the shops are shut now. NICK No, the petrol station was open. Look Ive bought my mum this. HECTOR A map of Watford. ANNIE But your mum doesnt live in Watford. NICK Oh I know. She might go there one day, though! I bought shampoo for my sister. HECTOR Car shampoo. NICK Yeah, and after shave for my dad. Ha-ha-ha! Mmm. I like the tree. Ooh, but I love these! Hey, Ive got some too, it was the last day of the grotto today, so they were throwing these away. Ha-ha, can you believe it! Ha-ha! Christmas music

HECTOR Hi Annie, I like the tree.

ANNIE No! Christmas music HECTOR & NICK Perfect. ANNIE Well, it might make Bridget laugh. HECTOR Why? ANNIE I know, if Bridget cant go to her parties, lets have a party here! NICK When? ANNIE Oh, I dont know. In about fifteen minutes!

ANNIE Oh thank you, its nearly finished. HECTOR Please, use these. My decorations. ANNIE Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina? HECTOR No, Oxford Street. Arent they great! ANNIE Oh, great. Sound of door opening/closing ANNIE Oh, hi Nick. How was your last day as Santa Claus? NICK Great! Such nice children. One of them let me play with his binoculars! Episode 28 Christmas 9

Episode 28

Christmas

10

BRIDGET Oh! Oh! Look at the Christmas tree! ANNIE I know. It makes me want to cry too. BRIDGET Whats the point of having Christmas if I cant go to my Christmas party?! Now Christmas just makes me cry! HECTOR Oh, Bridget, cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Day. BRIDGET [Sound of crying] HECTOR Have you got your stocking? BRIDGET Yes. NICK Hah, yes, and Ive got mine! ANNIE What are you hoping for? A motor bike? NICK Ye-es! Why not?

ANNIE Yuk! ANNIE [Composing email] Oh well! He did try! HECTOR They smell good, dont they Charley. HECTOR, NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE Silent Night NICK [Composing email] To cheer Bridget up, we went carol singing. ANNIE, NICK, BRIDGET & HECTOR We Three Kings of Orient are one on a scooter, one in a car OFF SCREEN VOICE Good night! NICK [Composing email] People loved us! BRIDGET Joyful and triumph ANNIE [Composing email] I also organized a surprise party for Bridget, she was surprised! Sound of knocking on door

BRIDGET The only thing that will make this Christmas worse is if you invited all my friends round for a surprise party to cheer me up. Sound of knocking on door ANNIE Ah. ASSORTED VOICES Surprise!!

ANNIE Ah. ASSORTED VOICES Surprise!! BRIDGET No-oo! ANNIE [Composing email] Tomorrow is Christmas Day and Bernard is coming for lunch. What fun! Christmas music/sound of knocking on door ANNIE Hang on, Im coming! BERNARD Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas! ANNIE Oh, hello Bernard, merry Christmas. Im sorry, we had a little party last night.

BRIDGET Oh!! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector made us mince pies. HECTOR And now the mince meat, from the best butcher! ANNIE [Composing email] The problem is, he used minced meat, instead of mincemeat.

Episode 28

Christmas

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Episode 28

Christmas

12

BERNARD Erm, Im here for dinner. ANNIE Isnt it a bit early? BERNARD Ten o'clock, time for a sherry. ANNIE Bernard, wheres your mother? BERNARD At church. Sound of TV being switched on

NICK Ooh, I wonder what this could be. Ah. HECTOR Merry Christmas, sugar plum. ANNIE Merry Christmas, snugly-puppykins. One heart, forever. BRIDGET This will stop it! ANNIE Bridget, nothing will stop my love for Hector. Sound of coughing

ANNIE Well Ill just go and get dressed. Christmas music

ANNIE Well Christmas music/sound of knocking on door

NICK To Bernard, Love from Annie. Ha-ha. BERNARD Sherry. Thanks, Annie. Nearly finished this one. NICK To Bridget, Love from Annie. BRIDGET A a flea collar. I havent got fleas! ANNIE Im sorry, Bridget, wrong label. It was meant for Charley! NICK Hah! Is she sure it was meant for Charley?! Ha-ha! To Bridget, from Hector. Ooh! BRIDGET Oh thank you Hector, you shouldnt have. What to Wear at Christmas Parties. Oh!! HECTOR I bought it before you BRIDGET Ive got a little something for you, Nick.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN I just called to say Merry Christmas! Ah! Mmm! Christmas music EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ah! Hector, Mmm. Bridget, what has happened to you? BRIDGET I had an accident. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, what a pity! Youve missed some fabulous parties, especially at the Beckhams. Elton John, hes a very naughty boy! Ha! Still, never mind, there is always next year. OK, must dash. Off to a top restaurant for lunch. BRIDGET Erm, Eunice. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Yes. BRIDGET Before you go, have a mince pie. Nick. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh.

NICK Whoo-hoo, goody! Gorilla because you are the original man. Whoo, ha-ha, it smells like a gorilla. BRIDGET Well, you should know. Episode 28 Christmas 13

Episode 28

Christmas

14

Spraying noise EUNICE MOUNTAIN Oh, I shouldnt. But, its Christmas.

Christmas music/sound of sawing COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA, Nick wants to join the SAS, Bridget and Annie train the boys for action and why is Hector home so late? ANNIE Hello, Hector! COMMENTARY [v.o.] EXTRA, dont miss it!

BERNARD Its true, there is a Santa! And shes a woman! Wait for me! I want to tell you what I really want for Christmas! NICK Ha-ha-ha! HECTOR Hey, can you smell something? NICK Yeah. Is something burning?! HECTOR Ah, I forgot - the turkey! Christmas music/assorted noises/shouting HECTOR Water, water, we need water! Not on me! On the turkey! NICK Oooh! Assorted noises/shouting HECTOR Move! Move! Assorted noises/shouting HECTOR There, the fire is out. NICK Anyone for turkey?! ANNIE Shall we just have pudding? BRIDGET Erm, no mince pies, thanks. HECTOR Oh, I have another surprise for you. Another English Christmas tradition. Chocolate log. One slice or two?

Episode 28

Christmas

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Episode 28

Christmas

16

HECTOR [Introducing Camping Show on TV] Hello. [Crashing noise]. Here in the National Camping Exhibition Episode 29 Narrative NICK [Makes assorted noises] Ooh/Aah!Ooh! BRIDGET Hello Nick. Have you lost a button? NICK Ahh! Ha hi Bridget. Huh-uh. Ive just practising. Ha-ha! BRIDGET Practising what? NICK I am going to join the SAS. BRIDGET Special Air Service? NICK Yeah. BRIDGET You? [Sound of incredulous laughter] NICK Whats so funny? BRIDGET Nick, the SAS is for tough guys! Real men who are fit. Theyre highly trained. NICK I was in the Scouts. BRIDGET You [yeah] were in the Scouts? [Sound of amused laughter] Oh Annie, Nicks going to join the SAS. ANNIE Oh, thats wonderful, Nick. Erm, dont you need special training? BRIDGET Its OK, he was in the Scouts! [Sound of laughter] Sound of TV being switched on NICK Yep, and shes a good looking woman. HECTOR It is all tents, tents, tents. EUNICE MOUNTAIN In every shape, size and colour. ANNIE And Eunice. HECTOR And we will be showing you the best EUNICE MOUNTAIN And the worst of camping. HECTOR So, stick around back to studio. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now Hector? HECTOR Oh, ha-hmm. HECTOR & EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ah ha-hmm. ANNIE [Impersonating Eunice] Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags, Hect-or? Huh! BRIDGET Calm down Annie, its only a television report. ANNIE I know but, well hes been working with Eunice a lot recently. BRIDGET And? ANNIE And well Im just worried that he, well, that she, well, oh you know! BRIDGET Annie, dont be silly, youve got nothing to worry about. Although - Hector is a good looking man! ANNIE Oh, theres Hector.

Episode 29

Camping

Episode 29

Camping

ANNIE Ooh!! Sound of film music on TV

HECTOR Oh, you know, for a couple of beers. ANNIE Who with? HECTOR With the lads. ANNIE Oh, so erm, when did the lads start wearing LADIES PERFUME?!! HECTOR Oh, I forgot, Eunice was there too. ANNIE Oh, so erm, what did you talk about? HECTOR Tents. ANNIE Tents? You talked about tents all night?! Where? In her tent? Or yours?!! Sound of door slamming

NICK Brrr! Pow-pow-pow! Incoming, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy I was watching that! BRIDGET Not any more. Go on, its late, back to your own tent. NICK Whats so funny? BRIDGET You, a scout! [Giggling noises] NICK Yes, so! BRIDGET I can just imagine trying to light fires. Sound of twigs being rubbed together/match being lit BRIDGET Helping old ladies across the road. Sound of traffic BRIDGET Tying knots. ANNIE [Giggling noises] Sound of shoes being dropped ANNIE What was that? BRIDGET I didnt hear anything. Sound of door being opened ANNIE Hello Hector! HECTOR Oh, good evening, Annie. ANNIE Dont you mean good morning? Where have you been?!

HECTOR Annie! An BRIDGET [Composing email] Guess what? Nick is training to be in the Special Air Service. NICK I am going to join the SAS. BRIDGET [Composing email] He thinks its the same as being a Scout! NICK I was in the Scouts! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector has been working a lot with Eunice recently. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now, Hector?! HECTOR Oh! ANNIE [Composing email] And he came home at 1.15 in the morning. ANNIE Where have you been?

Episode 29

Camping

Episode 29

Camping

ANNIE [Composing email] A few beers with the lads, he said. Huh! I could smell Eunices perfume on him! ANNIE When did the lads start wearing LADIES PERFUME?!! Rustling noise HECTOR Oh yes! Ive got it! NICK Oh, it was my turn for the toy! HECTOR No, youve got The Incredible Hulk. So I get two turns. Pow!! [Laughs] Hey, Nick. NICK Uh? HECTOR What do you think of Eunice? NICK Ha! Well, she isnt an English Rose. HECTOR No, I dont think she is a flower. NICK No, its a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie. HECTOR Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl! NICK No. Eunice is more, erm HECTOR What is that plant that grows all over walls in England? NICK Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy? HECTOR Yeah, ivy. Eunice is more like English ivy. NICK What do you mean? HECTOR Well she

NICK Likes dancing? HECTOR No, no, she NICK Shes all over you? HECTOR Yeah. NICK Hah. Do you like it? HECTOR Mmm. NICK [Makes whistling noise] I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo. Sound of door slamming BRIDGET Whats so funny? Come on, share the joke! ANNIE Its Hector. BRIDGET Hector came home late last night, is that it? ANNIE He was out with Eunice! BRIDGET Oh, dont worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, thats all. Hey, thisll cheer you up. Look what I found. ANNIE Oh, its pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah. Oh, and youre wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah. BRIDGET It still fits! ANNIE Ooh, look at all your badges! BRIDGET What was the Brownie law? A Brownie guide thinks of others before herself ANNIE And does a good turn every day.

Episode 29

Camping

Episode 29

Camping

Sound of door slamming BRIDGET Remember the Brownie law, Annie. ANNIE OK. OK. Hello Hector, how are you? [Sound of kissing] HECTOR Fine. ANNIE Did you have a good nights sleep? What was left of it! NICK Dib-dib, dob-dob. Ha-ha. Whats all this then? BRIDGET It is the Brownie salute. NICK Ha! Thats not a salute! This is a salute. What do you think, Hector? HECTOR Well both salutes are nice. BRIDGET & ANNIE Brownies.

HECTOR But what are all those badges for? BRIDGET This one is for first aid. HECTOR Ah-hah, and what is second aid or third aid! NICK Hah-hah! ANNIE First aid is for helping people who are HURT! HECTOR How hurt? BRIDGET Like if they cant breathe. ANNIE Shall I demonstrate, Bridget? BRIDGET Go ahead, Annie. ANNIE Lie down, please, Hector. Thumping noise ANNIE Now, this is called the kiss of life. HECTOR Oh-ho-ho, sounds good! ANNIE It means I breathe into your mouth! HECTOR Aha. Oh! [Sound of coughing] ANNIE And if you still cant breathe, I do this. HECTOR Well, that is Oh!! Oh!! ANNIE And I keep doing this, until you can breathe! HECTOR Oh!! Oh!!

NICK Boy Scouts. BRIDGET & ANNIE Brownies! NICK Boy Scouts! HECTOR What are you talking about? What are Brownies? Biscuits? ANNIE When Bridget and I were little girls, we were Brownies. We went camping, we sang songs. BRIDGET We were given badges for good works. NICK Huh! Brownies are for girls! In the Scouts we survived! BRIDGET It was just like being in the SAS, wasnt it Nick. NICK Hah-huh.

Episode 29

Camping

Episode 29

Camping

ANNIE Are you breathing yet? HECTOR Yes, yes, yes, I can breathe! ANNIE Ah! And that is my good turn for the day. BRIDGET Now Nick,, bites and stings. NICK No thanks. NICK Of course, when I was in the Scouts, I went camping. BRIDGET So did we. NICK Ah, but this was proper camping, survival. ANNIE What, like the SAS? NICK Ha! We had to live off the land. BRIDGET What? No tins of baked beans? NICK No. HECTOR Whoa! BRIDGET So could you do a survival test? NICK Yeah, no problem. HECTOR Yeah. ANNIE Right then. We will give you a survival test. HECTOR Great! What is a survival test? NICK Youll see, Just be prepared.

ANNIE Ready for your survival test, boys? NICK Certainly am. HECTOR Aha. ANNIE OK, test number one. [Girls put on Australian voices] BRIDGET The jungle is full of horrible things that creep and crawl. ANNIE And some that wriggle everywhere. NICK & HECTOR Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha. BRIDGET Especially worms! NICK & HECTOR Ah!! Ah!! Ooh!! Ahh!! ANNIE OK. Test number two. NICK & HECTOR Ah! Ooh! ANNIE Food! BRIDGET You have run out of food, so you have to eat whatever you can find. NICK & HECTOR Egh?! BRIDGET Open very wide please! Ready?! NICK & HECTOR Ah! Ooh! ANNIE & BRIDGET Beetles!! NICK & HECTOR Ahh! Ugh!! Ahh! ANNIE OK. Test number three.

Episode 29

Camping

Episode 29

Camping

10

BRIDGET Pain!! NICK Oh-ahh-ahh! BRIDGET I havent touched you yet!

ANNIE And you and Eunice will be doing another report! HECTOR Yeah!! ANNIE Well then, you can buy a tent and come home early. Oh, youll miss your drinks after work. Shame! Slapping noise HECTOR Oh! Sound of door slamming

ANNIE Im sorry boys, you have failed the survival test. HECTOR But erm, in the jungle it is going to be different. NICK Yeah, we were just pretending. HECTOR Aha. NICK It wasnt real. HECTOR Oh-ho! ANNIE What? Like real camping. NICK Uh. BRIDGET Why dont we do it? HECTOR Do what? BRIDGET Lets go camping! NICK We havent got a tent. ANNIE Well, Hector can get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition. NICK Huh? ANNIE Well isnt tomorrow the last day of the exhibition? HECTOR Yeah.

NICK [Composing email] Hector must be careful. I think Eunice is after him. HECTOR What do you think of Eunice? NICK [Composing email] And he likes it! NICK I see trouble ahead. NICK [Composing email] And Bridget and Annie have been showing us what they did in the Brownies. First Aid, for example. ANNIE Lie down please, Hector. NICK [Composing email] Huh! Thats for girls. Not like the Scouts. NICK Thats not a salute. This is a salute. ANNIE [Composing email] This afternoon Bridget and I gave the boys a survival test. ANNIE Ready for your survival test, boys? NICK Certainly am. HECTOR Ah-huh.

Episode 29

Camping

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Episode 29

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ANNIE [Composing email] Test number one: are they afraid of worms? BRIDGET Worms!! NICK & HECTOR Ah!! Ah! ANNIE [Composing email] Test number two. Could they eat anything in order to survive? ANNIE & BRIDGET Beetles! ANNIE [Composing email] Test number three: pain! NICK Aagh! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector is going to get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition and then we will really go camping! BRIDGET Lets go camping! ANNIE [Composing email] Well see who the real men are! HECTOR In the jungle it is going to be different. Crashing noise HECTOR Oh, shush shush-shush, you will wake Annie. Shush! Hey, I have an idea. I must show you to Annie. Shh, shh. You know, I have a better idea. Ha-ha-ha! Come, come! Come, you too, come, come. Sound of door slamming/sound of clanging tent poles HECTOR Nick! NICK Ah! HECTOR Nick, wake up! NICK Oh, no more beetles! Ah! Hector?!

HECTOR Nick. NICK Whats going on? HECTOR Ive got it. NICK Got what? HECTOR The tent! NICK Oh, thats nice. HECTOR Come on, lets put it up. NICK What? HECTOR The tent! NICK Oh, Hector! Have you seen the time? HECTOR No. NICK Its three o'clock in the morning! HECTOR Is it? NICK Yeah. HECTOR Really? NICK But wait a minute. Where have you been? HECTOR For a couple of beers and a dance. NICK Whats that on your collar? HECTOR Paint.

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Episode 29

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NICK Oh, pink paint. Nice.

HECTOR When Annie wakes up, she is going to be cross with me. NICK If she sees that on your collar, she will be. Have you been dancing with Eunice? HECTOR Ye-es NICK [Makes whistling noise] You are dead! HECTOR But, when Annie sees that I bought the tent, she is going to forgive me. NICK At three o'clock in the morning?! HECTOR Late night shopping! Sound of door opening and closing NICK Sssh! Crashing noise/sound of Charley growling HECTOR It is OK, Charley, it is me, Hector. NICK Where shall we put it? HECTOR HERE! [Whispering] Here, in the middle. NICK Guy ropes. HECTOR Ha? What? Guy Ropes, who is he? NICK No. Guy ropes. Ropes called guy ropes. HECTOR Oh, somewhere here NICK Ah!

Episode 29 Episode 29 Camping 15

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HECTOR

Hey, look
NICK Thats them HECTOR Ah-hah! NICK Tie them to the furniture. HECTOR Aha. Assorted rustling noises HECTOR There, that is it. NICK Right, lets go to bed. Sound of door opening and closing ANNIE Oh! What, whats this? Who put that there?! HECTOR Hi Annie, Ive bought you a tent. BRIDGET What is going on? HECTOR Well, do you like your tent? Eh? NICK Anyone for camping? Ah! Assorted howling noises ANNIE Oh, its so cold! HECTOR Ill warm you up. ANNIE Did somebody say something? BRIDGET I want a hot drink! We cant even make a fire!

ANNIE And theres no water left! NICK How long have we been here? BRIDGET Oh, it feels like ages! Assorted rustling noises BRIDGET Its so creepy. ANNIE Yeah. Very creepy. HECTOR [Snoring loudly] ANNIE Oh, are you tired, Hector? Did you have another LATE NIGHT with Eunice?! BRIDGET So whos going to go outside and get us some water. ANNIE Well I wont. BRIDGET Well I wont either. NICK Oh all right, Ill go, but if Im not back in ten minutes, you can have my Action Man collection. BRIDGET Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off you go. NICK Uh-uh, oh! Sound of howling/rustling noises MRS JESSOP Morning, Nick dear. Thought you and your friends would like a nice cup of tea. NICK Oh, thanks Mum. ANNIE Oh, thanks Mrs Jessop. COMMENTARY [v.o.] Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new job. Hector receives a phone call from Lola and Annie is looking for trouble. Camping 17 Episode 29 Camping 18

Episode 29

NICK Its not Eunice, its not Debbie, could it be Lola? Episode 30 COMMENTARY [v.o.] Narrative EXTRA, dont miss it! ANNIE Hector. [Yes?}. Please could you pass the salt? HECTOR Yes. ANNIE Hector. [Yes?]. Please could you pass the pepper? HECTOR Of course. ANNIE Hector. HECTOR Let me guess. Can I pass the sugar, coffee, tea. ANNIE Actually I was going to say we should talk. HECTOR So now you want to talk to me! Its only been a week! ANNIE I was hurt! HECTOR Well you hurt me too. ANNIE I didnt go out with Eunice! HECTOR I didnt go out with Eunice! ANNIE Yes you did! And you stayed out till three o'clock in the morning! HECTOR There were other people there too. ANNIE Who? HECTOR People who work on the programme.

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ANNIE You mean other women who work on the programme. HECTOR Yes and men, why not? Eh? ANNIE I knew it! So, who is she? HECTOR Who? ANNIE The other woman. HECTOR There is no other woman! ANNIE Huh! HECTOR Annie, listen. [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Oh, excuse me. Hello. Ha, ha-ha, hi Debbie. And how are you? Ha-ha. Good. Erm, OK, thatll be OK, perfect, see you then. Bye. ANNIE So was that her? HECTOR Who? ANNIE Debbie. The other woman. HECTOR That was Debbie from the make-up department, confirming my call time for tomorrow. ANNIE Oh! Some excuse! ANNIE Hector. HECTOR Yes.

BRIDGET You should have seen Eunices face! Ha-ha-ha! She was furious! HECTOR When Eunice gets angry, she is a very scary lady! Sound of laughter/sound of mobile phone HECTOR Oh, hello. Yes. Excuse me. No, no. Erm, bye, Bridget. BRIDGET Oh. All right Hector. Bye. HECTOR Hola, Lola! Ah! Sound of door opening/closing BRIDGET Guess what? ANNIE Prince William wants to marry you? BRIDGET I know that! No! Ive got a promotion! ANNIE Thats nice. BRIDGET Nice? Nice? Its fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live! Eunice is no longer my boss! Is that Hugh Grant? Its Bridget Evans here. Call me Gigi, editor of Channel 9 Live. Are we still on for lunch at Claridges today? Oh, fab! Ciao! [Sound of laughter]. Eunice is so jealous! ANNIE Now that is good news. BRIDGET Annie, what are you doing? ANNIE Im doing my own editing. BRIDGET Why are you cutting out photos of you and Hector? ANNIE Because Hector is no longer my boyfriend. BRIDGET Really? Why?

ANNIE Please could you pass me your fork? Here, Im going. You can have my dinner!! Sound of door slamming Sound of laughter

Episode 30

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Episode 30

Love Hurts

ANNIE Because he is having an affair! BRIDGET

HECTOR Hi Nick. What are you doing? NICK

Really?!! Who with?

ANNIE Well, I thought it was Eunice, but now I think its Debbie. BRIDGET Well I just heard him on the phone to Lola. ANNIE Lola? Whos she? Hah! Eunice, Debbie, Lola, ha, hes women mad!! Aah! BRIDGET Ooh! BRIDGET [Composing email] Guess what?! Ive got a new job! I am editor of Channel 9 Live. BRIDGET Its fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live! BRIDGET [Composing email] Eunice is no longer my boss. Oh and I overheard Hector talking to Lola on the phone HECTOR Hola, Lola! BRIDGET [Composing email] Very suspicious! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector is no longer my boyfriend! Im sure he is seeing someone else. First, I thought it was Eunice. HECTOR I didnt go out with Eunice! ANNIE Yes you did and you stayed out till three o'clock in the morning! ANNIE [Composing email] But now I think its Debbie. ANNIE So was that her? HECTOR Who? ANNIE Debbie. The other woman. Episode 30 Love Hurts 4

I am not doing, I am being.

HECTOR Oh. What are you being? NICK Cant you guess? HECTOR A man on the toilet? A Sumo wrestler? NICK Cant you see? I am an egg. HECTOR Oh, of course, you are an egg. NICK Now, what sort of egg am I? HECTOR Hard-boiled. NICK Hah! HECTOR Scrambled. NICK Scrambled?! HECTOR Fried. NICK Nearly! [Hmm?] Poached! HECTOR Oh yeah. Of course, you are a poached egg. NICK Yeah. HECTOR Well youre making a mess on your bed! Ha-ha-ha! Anyway, why are you being a poached egg?

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NICK Its my new acting class. Total Being. HECTOR Oh, what are you next week? A piece of wood? NICK A piece of wood? HECTOR Yeah, then it would be wooden acting! Anyway, can poached eggs talk? NICK Dont be silly! Of course poached eggs cant talk. HECTOR No, no, I mean, when you are being a poached egg, can you talk? NICK Oh yes, anyway, I want to stop now, my arms are hurting. Ah! Agh! So, what do you want to talk about? HECTOR It is Annie. NICK Eh? HECTOR She thinks I am having an affair. NICK Who with? HECTOR Eunice. Sound of whistling

NICK Why not? HECTOR I dont know. Sound of mobile phone ringing HECTOR Oh, Excuse me. Hola, Lola. Ha! Ill take this outside. How are you, Lola? NICK So, its not Eunice, its not Debbie, could it be Lola? Traffic noise ZEUS Hey, hey, stop, please! ANNIE I knew it! It had to be a selfish man driver! ZEUS Please, I have a voucher. ANNIE I, Im sorry, Ive started, so Ill finish. ZEUS Look I am Zeus, why are you so angry? ANNIE Im not. I am just doing my job Zeus. Sound of door slamming ANNIE People park on yellow lines and then are surprised when they get a parking ticket! Ha! There was this one guy today please, I have a voucher. Ha! No excuse! Mind you, he was quite cute. Nick, Nick, are you OK? Sound of door slamming/laughter ANNIE Bridget. Oh, its you, Hector. Well, theres something wrong with Nick. BRIDGET Well I could have told you that! ANNIE No, he wont speak, he wont move. HECTOR Oh, I know. He is being a poached egg. 6 Episode 30 Love Hurts 7

HECTOR And Debbie. NICK What? Two women, Hector! Ha! You cheeky thing! HECTOR But I am not! NICK Oh, so tell Annie then. HECTOR I have, but she doesnt believe me. Episode 30 Love Hurts

ANNIE A what?

HECTOR Oh [Makes tutting noise] ANNIE & HECTOR Bad choice. BRIDGET You think so? Oh no! HECTOR Eunice is so jealous of Bridgets new job, she wont talk to anyone! ANNIE Not even you? HECTOR Not even me! It is great! ANNIE You dont want her to talk to you? Really? HECTOR Really! Oh, Annie, I hate it when we argue. ANNIE So do I. I miss you. HECTOR I miss [Sound of mobile phone ringing] Oh, hola Lola. Ha-ha.

HECTOR For his new acting class. Hi Nick. Let me guess. You are being a potato. NICK Do I look like a potato? BRIDGET Yes. A couch potato! Sound of laughter ANNIE What about a fish? BRIDGET Yes, a frozen fish! Sound of laughter NICK I am not a fish. I am pain. HECTOR You are a pain. BRIDGET Yes, Nick is a pain! Sound of laughter NICK No, I am pain. Hurt, agony. ANNIE So, how was your first day as editor, Bridget? BRIDGET What a day! I had a very important meeting. Big decisions to make. ANNIE Oh, like which celebrities, new programme ideas? BRIDGET No, like which pen to use at my meeting. Blue, black HECTOR Oh, which one did you choose? BRIDGET Blue.

ANNIE Right. Two can play that game. NICK [Composing email] I started my Totally Being acting classes. It is fantastic! I am not doing, I am being ... HECTOR A man on the toilet? NICK [Composing email] Yesterday I was a Poached Egg. NICK Yeah! NICK [Composing email] And today I was Pain! NICK I am not a fish! I am Pain. NICK [Composing email] Oh, and I think Hector is seeing someone called Lola.

Episode 30

Love Hurts

Episode 30

Love Hurts

NICK Its not Eunice, its not Debbie, could it be Lola? NICK [Composing email] But I dont think Annie knows. ANNIE [Composing email] Hector is definitely no longer my boyfriend! Its not Debbie! Its Lola! HECTOR Hola, Lola, ha-ha ANNIE [Composing email]

NICK Hi Bridget. BRIDGET Oh! NICK What oh? BRIDGET I know, Superman. NICK What? BRIDGET Erm, I mean Clark Kent. You are being Clark Kent for your acting class. NICK No. Im not. Im long sighted. BRIDGET Oh. Youre being long sighted? NICK No. I am long sighted. I need to wear glasses for reading. BRIDGET They suit you. NICK Oh, ah, thank you. So why are you not at Channel 9 today. BRIDGET Oh, Im working from home today. Theres so much to do! NICK Bridget, whats the matter? BRIDGET I cant do it! Eunice hates me! NICK Oh, Eunice hates everybody! BRIDGET They all hate me! NICK No they dont! BRIDGET They all look at me! 10 Episode 30 Love Hurts 11

Anyway - Ive met a really cute guy called Zeus.

ZEUS Look, I am Zeus. Why are you so angry? ANNIE I am just doing my job Zeus! ZEUS Hello again. ANNIE Hello. We meet again. ZEUS Youre happier today. ANNIE Yes, I am now! But, Im sorry. ZEUS I parked here, so you would come back. ANNIE Oh. You wanted to see me again? ZEUS You are so beautiful! ANNIE [Sound of giggling] Oh, well, Im sorry, but I am going to have to give you [No!] this, my phone number. ZEUS Oh. ANNIE Call me. Who needs Hector? Sound of door opening/closing

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Love Hurts

NICK Bridget, you are their boss. BRIDGET I have to use the executive loo! NICK Whats the matter with that? BRIDGET I want to chat to all the girls! NICK Oh, Bridget, you are one of the cleverest, most beautiful women I know. BRIDGET Really? Well who are the others? NICK What do you mean? BRIDGET You said I was only one of the cleverest most beautiful girls you know. NICK Bridget! You can do this job. Channel 9 needs you. BRIDGET Thank you, Nick. NICK Hey, it was nothing. BRIDGET You really look handsome in those glasses. NICK Ha-ha-ha. HECTOR Oh, hi Annie. ANNIE Oh, hi Hector. You look smart.

ANNIE [Mimicking Hector] Annie, I have something to tell you. Yes, that he is going on a date with Lola! Thats what! BRIDGET Nick, stop it! Youre tickling me! Oh hi Annie, I didnt hear you come in! NICK [Sound of laughing] BRIDGET Oh Nick! [Sound of laughing] Stop it! ANNIE Is everybody happy, apart from me?! [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Hello. Zeus! Hi! Well of course I remember you! A drink? Tonight? Ah, Id love to. Aah! Sound of giggling NICK [Sound of laughter]. Stop it! Youre tickling me! Sound of door opening & closing ANNIE Zeus, meet my friends, Bridget and Nick. NICK Hi HI! BRIDGET Well hello Zeus! Annie, where did you find him?! NICK Yeah, but he doesnt wear glasses though, does he? Eh? ANNIE Weve had a lovely evening, havent we, Zeus. ZEUS Wonderful, H-Annie. Now I must say goodnight. Please, first may I use your bathroom? ANNIE Certainly. ZEUS Thank you. ANNIE Zeus is such a gentle man. BRIDGET He certainly is a man.

HECTOR Yes, I am going to meet someone. Oh, Annie, I have something to tell you. [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Oh, sorry. Lola! Vale. Si, si, ya voy. Hasta luego. Sound of door slamming

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Episode 30

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Sound of door shutting HECTOR Hi. Annie, I must talk to you. ANNIE What about? Your date with Lola? HECTOR My date with Lola?!! Annie, Lola is a sixty year old chief executive for ATV. ANNIE Whats ATV? HECTOR Argentinian Television. And [clears throat] she wants me to return to Argentina to present their number one show. But I dont want to go. I want to stay here with you. Sound of toilet flushing/sound of door opening ZEUS Thats better. ANNIE Erm, Hector, this is BRIDGET Erm, Zeus, my new boyfriend. Weve had a lovely evening, havent we! Come on, Ill say goodbye to you downstairs! Sound of door opening/closing ANNIE So Hector, will you take the job? HECTOR What do you think I should do, Annie? COMMENTARY [v.o.] So we must say goodbye to our friends for now? Will Hector stay or go back to Argentina? Will Annie go with him? And will Nick ever give up on Bridget? EXTRA will the story continue?! Sound of laughter NICK Well, there you go!

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