COMMUNITY "Re-Introduction to Leadership Studies" By George Lubitz

COMMUNITY EPISODE #501 SET LIST INTERIORS DEANS OFFICE SCREWEM, GOODE & HART LAW OFFICES STUDY ROOM DEAN SPRECKs OFFICE CAFETERIA HALLWAY EXTERIORS GREENDALE MAIN QUAD SCHOOL PARKING LOT COMMUNITY EPISODE #501 CAST LIST JEFF.......................................JOEL MCHALE BRITTA..................................GILLIAN JACOBS SHIRLEY............................YVETTE NICOLE BROWN ABED........................................DANNY PUDI ANNIE......................................ALISON BRIE TROY.....................................DONALD GLOVER CHANG........................................KEN JEONG DEAN PELTON...................................JIM RASH LEONARD.................................RICHARD ERDMAN DEAN SPRECK...............................JORDAN BLACK NICOLE.................................ABIGAIL MARLOWE STARBURNS...........................DINO STAMATOPOULOS OLDER STUDENTS.....................................TBD HUMAN BEING...............................WILLIAM LOVE

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COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. DEANS OFFICE. - DAY (DAY 1) DEAN PELTON is preparing for the arrival of new students only a few days away. Summer break is coming to a close. He is nervously looking over some sheets with finances and what not. DEAN PELTON (flabbergasted) Nicole! Could you come in here please? NICOLE, the deans receptionist, walks in. NICOLE Yes, Craig? DEAN PELTON Im looking over the budget here, and we dont have any money. And Im looking over this document, here, and apparently were being sued by Warner Bros. because "Greendale" was first the name of a Neil Young album. NICOLE Can they do that? Were a school. DEAN PELTON They dont consider us a school. The point is, we need a lawyer. I have the costume for it, but I dont think thats enough to represent myself. NICOLE Why dont you ask Jeff Winger for help? The Deans eyes light up as we... CUT TO:

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INT. SCREWEM, GOODE & HART LAW OFFICES - DAY.

(DAY 1)

JEFF is sitting at his desk. He has only been at this job for a short while, but as evidenced by his office, he has quickly proven himself as an attorney. He is on the phone with a client. JEFF Mr. Maddicks, I understand your hostility, but if you ask me, I think the best course of action is to plead guilty. Its really the only way. Unless you want to come up with an explanation to how it got under YOUR crack pipe. Yeah...okay. A beat. JEFF (CONTD) Alright then, Shank you, too. Youre welcome. Just then, JEFFs assistant, HEATHER, 25, calls JEFF through the intercom on his desk. HEATHER (O.S.) Mr. Winger, theres someone for you on line one. JEFF picks up the phone. DEAN PELTON (O.S) (Voice somewhat disguised) Hello, is this Jefferey Winger? JEFF Uh, yes it is. DEAN PELTON (O.S.) I need a lawyer. Ive been wrongly accused of a Misde-dean-or. JEFFs eyes widen much like the Deans did earlier. The emotional motive behind JEFFs reaction is not too similar. FADE OUT. END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE (CONTINUED)

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(2)

4.

FADE IN: EXT. GREENDALE MAIN QUAD - MORNING (DAY 2) AERIAL SHOT of students returning from summer break. watch them for a short while and then... We

FAVOR ON to the Greendale Seven, which we now see contains only six. The group lost their leader JEFF WINGER last year because he graduated early. BEN CHANG has finally joined the study group after years of failed attempts. They stop at the doors that lead to the library. They all look up and we follow with a POV shot. We can read the buildings title. TROY Well here we are. Our last year CUT TO:

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INT. STUDY ROOM - MORNING The students are silent and sitting awkwardly. They all stare at an empty seat where JEFF used to sit. BRITTA Oh, come on, guys. We dont need Jeff to be a study group. We can finally be individuals! I was taking a psychology class at the University of Phoenix-TROY Damnit Britta! You made me think about Jeff being gone! BRITTA What? How? TROY Oh come on! You just set up for the perfect Winger! If he were here, hed be all like, Ha! Usually Id make fun of you taking a class at the University of Phoenix, but we go to Greendale! Ha! Classic Winger. TROY begins sobbing slightly and puts his head down as the group mumbles in agreement. ABED Yeah, Troys right. We need Jeff. BRITTA (The only excited one in the room) Oh please, SURELY you cant be serious. A beat, as BRITTA looks quizzically at ABED BRITTA (CONT"D) Abed? ABED I am serious. BRITTA Wow. Not even a movie reference can break the spell. Maybe we do need Jeff.

(CONTINUED)

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(2) CHANG Jeff? Come on, guys. We dont need Jeff. Youre all super special to me. So special that I dont even miss Jeff.

6.

ANNIE and SHIRLEY simultaneously respond to CHANGs innocence. ANNIE AND SHIRLEY Awwwww. BRITTA Oh yeah, Changs here now. Well, he cant be worse than Pierce. CHANG I can try. ANNIE Hey, speaking of, did you guys speak to Pierce at all during break? What happened to him? The group exchanges glares of uncertainty, but ABED knows exactly where PIERCE is. ABED Pierce joined the military after a recruiter told him he would get a free pocket calculator if he signed up. SHIRLEY How do you know? None of us spoke to him during the summer. ABED He butt-dialed me a bunch of times. I wouldve told him, but sometimes it was more entertaining than TV. He also lost most of his fortune investing in his own company, Hawthorne Wipes, which tanked once Wet Ones came out with those new super absorbent towels. SHIRLEY Oh the ones with the flower designs? Mhm, I love those. DEAN PELTON walks into the room, donning a full Jester costume.

(CONTINUED)

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(3) DEAN PELTON Happy Dean-cember! BRITTA Its September. Also, what does that have to do with the costume? DEAN PELTON Im running out of ideans ABED (Re: DEANs pun) Boooo! DEAN PELTON (CONTD) And my sexy Santa suit is at the cleaners. Cut me some slack, okay? ANNIE Its still September.

7.

TROY picks his head up for a brief moment. TROY Correcting the dean like Jeff! DEAN PELTON Anyway, Im here to announce that your favorite student is returning to Greendale. Everyone exclaims all at once, except for CHANG. ALL BUT CHANG JEFF?! CHANG Leonard! Just then, JEFF walks in. He is looking more dapper than were used to, if thats even possible. JEFF Not quite. TROY picks his head up from the table. TROY Jeff! Youre back! Brittas trying to get us to forget about you using psychology she learned at the University of Phoenix! BRITTA looks annoyed. (CONTINUED)

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(4)

8.

JEFF I could make a joke about you taking a class at the University of Phoenix of all places, but then I remembered I went to the campus version of just that. The group erupts with laughter, minus BRITTA. TROY Classic winger! We really do need you! JEFF (Whipping of sunglasses) Its only been summer vacation since Ive seen you guys. Im gone one season and you guys need me back? ABED Ha! I get it! Everyone stares at ABED, looking confused; hes the only one who gets the meta-humor. SHIRLEY Um Jeff, sweetie, Weve missed you very much but, um, why are you here? Dont you have a job as a real lawyer now? JEFF examines his own seat for a second and plops down, taking out his phone to text no one. JEFF Yes, I do. But apparently, no good deed goes unpunished. I did the right thing of coming to this school and after finally leaving, the Dean calls me back because Im the only attorney to ever graduate from Greendale, and the only person in the his Rolodex who knows how to protect this place against a lawsuit. Actually, Im probably the only person in his Rolodex that isnt a costume store or Dalmatian kennel. DEAN PELTON walks over to JEFF and places his hand on JEFFs chest.

(CONTINUED)

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(5) DEAN PELTON Oh please, Jeff. Im not your dean anymore; call me Craig. Anyway, the school is having some legal trouble, so Jeff is helping us fight the power!

9.

DEAN PELTON makes a fight the power motion with his hands. ANNIE folds her arms, smiling. ANNIE (Unconvinced) Admit it, Jeff, you jut missed us. JEFF (Smiling sarcastically) What can I say? BRITTA So wait, were being sued? I cant say Im surprised. DEAN PELTON Well no, Britta. Im getting sued. You dont have to worry. Nothings changing in the meanwhile. You can still write your manifestos and drink acid, or whatever it is you do. TROY Ha! That IS what she does. BRITTA gives TROY a glare. TROY stops laughing. CUT TO: DEAN SPRECKs OFFICE. INT- DAY. sitting in front of his desk. He is talking to someone

DEAN SPRECK Now that the traitor, Ben Chang, conveniently forgot all about us and our plan, we need someone new to help wipe Greendale off the map. Our first attack of pretending to be Neil Youngs lawyers is good, but we need your firsthand knowledge of the school to help us bring them down. Can you help us? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

(6)

10.

It is revealed that the dean is talking to ALEX "STARBURNS" OSBOURNE. STARBURNS Oh, I think I can help. DEAN SPRECK Excellent, Alex. Excellent. STARBURNS My names Alex! Oh, right. Great. FADE OUT.

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END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO FADE IN The Dean is showing JEFF to his temporary office, a closet within the Deans office. DEAN PELTON So this is where youll be sticking it to Warner Brothers. Its cramped, but you can squeeze yourself in. JEFF In the closet, arent you too busy in here? DEAN PELTON Well usually, but now that youre here, I can come out and take my costumes with me. JEFF Im sure theres a better way to say that. DEAN PELTON If you need me, Ill be right over there. At my desk. Not ten feet away. Im just gonna keep this door open. The DEAN walks to his desk, sits, and waves at JEFF. closes the door. DEAN PELTON Jefferey, Jefferey! Wait! JEFF Okay, so what are we working with here? JEFF looks around his desk to find only two pieces of paper. Both relating to the lawsuit. JEFF

(CONTINUED)

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(2)

12.

JEFF Not very much. The study group barges into JEFFs office. SHIRLEY Hellooo Jefferey. We just wanted to see how you were doing on your first day. SHIRLEY snaps a picture off here phone and shows it to BRITTA. SHIRLEY (CONTD) So cute. BRITTA Yeah, adorable. CHANG (Very clingy) Hey Jeff, if you need a receptionist, or a servant, or lackey, Id be glad to help. JEFF Ben Chang. I almost didnt recognize you without a bunch of 5th graders around you, as either henchmen or classmates. ANNIE Jeff, we were about to go to lunch, you wanna come with? JEFF Sure. I think Im about to pass out. It smells like moth balls and old people in here. TROY (to ABED) You dont think...? ABED ...That the Dean is actually Leatherface from a Texas Chainsaw Massacre and his costumes are made from people? Nah, I wondered the same thing, did some research. Unfortunately, hes not.

(CONTINUED)

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(3)

13.

TROY Yeah...that sucks. CUT TO: INT. CAFETERIA. - DAY The group is sitting in at their normal table, minus SHIRLEY and ANNIE. CHANG is sort of removed, as he fiddles with some silverware. LEONARD walks up to them. LEONARD Winger, back so soon? Did you get disbarred again? JEFF Shut up, Leonard! Ive been reading your ex wifes tweets. She told me about your "mistress"(air quotes) in Korea. LEONARD See if I care; helps me get more followers. LEONARD walks away cockily as SHIRLEY and ANNIE join the rest of the group after getting their food. SHIRLEY Hello Jefferey, hows your first day so far? JEFF Not bad, I missed this place. I hate it, but I missed it. SHIRLEY Thats nice. ANNIE Can you guys believe Professor Matthews gave me a Z minus on that Philosophy essay. JEFF A "Z"? Im surprised youre not flipping tables with that kind of grade.

(CONTINUED)

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(4) ANNIE (pedantic) Oh Jeff, no. In Contemporary Applied Modern Philosophy, Professor Matthew says that in order to feel truly happy in life, we have to forget about bureaucratic things like grades and live life to the fullest. He uses random letters and symbols to show how unimportant they are. ABED I got a rainbow for my grade. ANNIE Damnit! JEFF Well Greendale sure hasnt lost its charm. BRITTA So what does the Dean have you doing here anyway? Also, there has to be a reason youre working Pro bono. The Jeff Winger I know wouldnt come back here and work for free, when youre making tons at your other law firm. JEFF Who said Im doing it for free? Spending time with the best group of people ever is priceless. BRITTA How sweet. JEFF Plus I still get paid by Screwem, Goode, & Hart even if I dont show up.

14.

ABED opens his mouth as he is about to speak. JEFF Yes, Abed. Its exactly like Franklin & Bash. Plus, this case is a walk in the park. Look at this... JEFF takes out the cease and desist letter from Warner Bros.

(CONTINUED)

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(5)

15.

JEFF (CONTD) This is a total joke. Warner Bros. is suing Greendale because Greendale is the name of a Neil Young album. Its also the name of the damn town! TROY (gasps) Are we gonna have to lose the butt flag? ABED Wait a second. Let me see this. ABED snatches up the paper. ABED (CONTD) Oh no... TROY What is it? ABED takes out a pen, and begins annotating the document feverishly. ABED (Slamming pen down) There we go. Look at their lawyers name. "Lesliey G.C. Coulter. JEFF So its a stupid name. So what? ABED If you re-arange it, it spells... BRITTA looks over the paper. BRITTA "City College Rules" SHIRLEY Oh my. CUT TO: HALLWAY The group is rushing towards the DEANs OFFICE

(CONTINUED)

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(6)

16.

CHANG Where are we going? JEFF To tell the Dean about this letter. CHANG If this the stuff you guys are famous for? The Greendale Seven solving crime! JEFF Well, the stuff Im famous for. Also, were not the Mystery Gang. CUT TO:

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DEAN PELTONS OFFICE. DEAN PELTON is making announcements over the PA System. DEAN PELTON (Heard over PA) ...So unfortunately City College won the baseball match with a score of twelve points to zero. CHANG We have a baseball team? DEAN PELTON No, but we say we do so we dont look bad in comparison to City College. They just do batting practice and we send over few people in Greendale T-shirts to qualify. JEFF Well speaking of City College making us look bad, look at this. JEFF hands DEAN PELTON the decoded letter. JEFF City College has something to do with this. They probably have everything to do with this. DEAN PELTON gets up from his desk and walks towards the window, looking out from it dramatically. ABED is entranced by the cinema-like performance. DEAN PELTON They have waged a war against Greendale. JEFF Well I dont think its that extreme. DEAN PELTON & ABED Shut up, Jeff! JEFF looks at ABED then DEAN PELTON. ABED moves to DEAN PELTONs desk and tapes down the PA Button, and takes out a notebook and a pencil. ABED is finding supreme inspiration for a movie in this situation.

(CONTINUED)

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(2)

18.

DEAN PELTON We need to stop City College CUT TO: SPLIT SCREEN SHOT. DEAN PELTON continues his dialogue and DEAN SPRECK makes more or less the same assertion about Greendale from his office. -CONTINUOUS DEAN PELTON & SPRECK That school has been a menace to our way of life for too long. CUT TO: DEAN SPRECK (Continued) DEAN SPRECK They are nothing compared to us DEAN PELTON They are a disgrace to all somewhat accredited institutions of somewhat higher learning. DEAN SPRECK In the end of this all... DEAN PELTON One school will come out on top For the last few moments of DEAN PELTONs speech, we scan over the different classes in session. The STUDENTS are listening intently. Some begin to tear as they revel in the beauty of the DEAN PELTONs oration. DEAN SPRECK And the victor DEAN PELTON Will be CUT TO: SPLIT SCREEN once more. DEAN PELTON Greendale! DEAN SPRECK City College!

END OF SS. The students of Greendale erupt in cheers.

(CONTINUED)

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(3)

19.

FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN:

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INT. STUDY ROOM- AFTERNOON (DAY 2) The group and DEAN PELTON are sitting on the couches. ANNIE So what now? CHANG Now we burn that mother to the ground. JEFF No, you tried that here. And if we can stop you, then they certainly can. SHIRLEY (Holding her cross necklace) We could always ask Jesus for guidance. The whole group groans in response to SHIRLEYs typical idea. DEAN PELTON is dressed in his cliche idea of what college students look like. DEAN PELTON Is this usually how you guys come up with things? Is this how you made the pillow and blanket forts? Is this how you overthrew the Chang Dynasty? I ask you. Do you think this is how the Greeks came up with the Trojan Horse? ANNIE Through extensive planning? Yeah, thats pretty much how it work-TROY WAIT! Did you say Trojan Horse? DEAN PELTON Yes, I d-TROY What about a Troy-jan Horse? CUT TO: A montage of the study group planning out an attack on City College: (CONTINUED)

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(2)

21.

TROY and ABED put on their old uniforms from when they led their blanket and pillow armies in battle. JEFF and ANNIE are giving direction to the ceramic, shop, and metal-smithing classes; showing them the blue prints for the Troy-jan Horse. CHANG is gluing popsicle sticks together, and failing. SHIRLEY is in the library. She is reading a book entitled: "Carpentry According to Jesus" BRITTA is lecturing in the AUDITORIUM with a sign that says: "WAR IS BAD. LETS NOT FIGHT!" The HUMAN BEING is jumping around next to her. Two OLDER STUDENTS are sleeping in the audience. STARBURNS is talking on a walkie-talkie while crawling through the air vents. ANNIEs BOOBS is following behind. STARBURNS is unware of her presence. The montage continues at City College. DEAN SPRECK is lecturing to his dull-looking students in the auditorium. His face appears large on a projector screen like a scene out of 1984. We turn back to Greendale to see much of the school and the Greendale Seven in the SCHOOL PARKING LOT. Work is getting finished as the group watches over and facilitates. TROY No, Rebecca, the wheels go on the bottom of the horse. The minifridge goes inside. BRITTA I know its not my place, but you guys know this is a terrible idea, right? JEFF Why dont you stay away from the horse, you might Britta it into a heap of scrap. BRITTA Oh you would like that, wouldnt you. JEFF What? No.

(CONTINUED)

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(3)

22.

BRITTA (CONT"D) Once we storm in there, theyre gonna be confused as to why theres a giant, poorly constructed horse with a T-shirt shooter and highly pressurized soda fountain guns mounted on the sides and theyre gonna call security and throw us out of there. How many people can fit in this thing anyway? Like two, maybe two and a half. Theyll see this thing coming from a mile away, anyway. STARBURNS (O.S.) Well they will now. The whole group turns and faces STARBURNS. his name, except for CHANG. ALL BUT CHANG Starburns! CHANG Fat Neil! STARBURNS Thats not my name! ANNIE I thought you died in a drug explosion! STARBURNS Oh there was an explosion alright, but I didnt die. ABED Good one. CHANG Listen, FireCrotch, what are you doing here anyway? STARBURNS Ive come to take my revenge. Im tired of this school. Ive transferred to City College. SHIRLEY (disapprovingly) Mmmnm They all exclaim

(CONTINUED)

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(4) STARBURNS They respect me there. They call me Alex, not Starburns. (Shudders) And how that Ive been secretly watching you and you plan from the air vents, and now that Ive conveniently heard Britta outline this Troy-jan Horse, Im going to tell Dean Spreck. DEAN PELTON Damnit, Britta!

23.

BRITTA realizes her mistake. TROY Air vents...? ANNIEs BOOBS hops on STARBURNs face, attacking him. screams and jumps into his Yugo. TROY Annies Boobs! ANNIE Oh god. ANNIEs BOOBS jumps out the window and STARBURNS drives off. STARBURNS The Greendaliens are coming! The Greendaliens are comming! Everyone looks angrily at BRITTA. BRITTA Well hes been watching for a while from the vents! He was gonna figure it out sooner or later! SHIRLEY Yeah, but now thanks to your anti-everything-ness, its going to be sooner instead of later! TROY Annies Boobs, can you show us where he was hiding? CUT TO: ANNIEs BOOBS running down the HALLWAY, the group following close behind. She stops at a vent opened up. (CONTINUED) He

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(5)

24.

TROY Stand back. The group watches on as TROY closes his eyes and places his fingers against his temples, like Cyclops from the X-Men movies. ABED looks on in awe. He takes more notes.

From the vent a wind blows, and out comes dust and papers. One paper hits JEFF in the face. JEFF Ah! What the hell? JEFF pulls the paper off his face and he reads it. JEFF (CONTD) Guys look! Its a blue print for something City College is making. TROY opens his eyes and walks over to JEFF. SHIRLEY It looks like some sort of tank. Oh my lord. ANNIE The "Sprecken Sie Dean"? DEAN PELTON Oh, thats good. CUT TO:

25. INT. CARETERIA -- NIGHT (DAY 2) The group sits and waits for an impending attack. DEAN PELTON and JEFF look over the blueprint left by STARBURNS. The rest of the group waits on. SHIRLEY Heres Ben at his second birthday. They grow up so fast. I just hope one day Ill be able to see them get into a college like this. CHANG Dont worry, Shirley. Youve got a few good years left in you. SHIRLEY I meant because City College might destroy us. Are you saying Im old? Were basically the same age. JEFFs phone rings a few times as he receives a few text messages. He doesnt even look down at his phone. ANNIE Jeff, arent you going to answer those? JEFF You know, back when I had no one to text, I would pretend to text people all the time. But now that I have clients and law partners who do call me and text me, I really dont feel like texting them at all. Because when I was pretending to text people, I was really texting myself. Reminding the future me not to change. And me, actually moving away from Greendale, and you guys, and actually being able to text people who arent myself makes me feel like I have changed. I went to a Community College for christsake, and what kind of community member leaves his community? ANNIE Aw, Jeff. No one expects you to stay here forever. You graduated early, thats all. (CONTINUED)

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(2)

26.

JEFF Yeah, but if theres anything Ive learned from Abed who learned from The Breakfast Club, and The Big Chill, and Animal House... ABED looks up from the notebook hes been writing in. JEFF (CONTD) ...its that you stay together with your friends as long as you can, and if that means that I have to work as the school lawyer for the rest of the year, than so be it. DEAN PELTON Hooray for Jefferey! The whole group embraces JEFF, except ABED who smiles and looks back down at his notebook. ABED (V.O) (writing in notebook) So Jeff decided to stay with the group. He missed us, and we missed him. And I suppose, by some movie miracle, things worked out for he best. Communities stay together, even if they are just Community College study groups. Jeffs always there to make us feel better, even if hes also the one to make us feel bad. Classic Winger. ABED (CONTD) We zoom out on ABED and the rest of the group into darkness. Fade out. FADE OUT.

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END OF SHOW