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CONSTANTINE
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AND NOW OVERSTEPPING THE MARK nice a description as we can muster.

The all new topical, singing and There is a proper entrance to these
strictly come waltzing Gweder gardens – why cut another? Was it too
Myras shimmies through your Who would be a Farmer?
far to walk? Hardly! Who would want to
letter box and shakes, rattles avoid walking to the proper entrance and
and rolls around your carpet. With the British weather besieging
was it only one person? We have a picture
you with snow, sleet, rain, hail, gales, frost,
in our minds eye of a posse of disabled
Any items for inclusion to mist, fog and searing sunshine - and that in
be sent to The Editor, The persons [steady, steady, that includes me.
just one April day. With mother nature lying
Tolmen Centre, Fore Street, Ed.] trooping off down the steep slopes,
in wait with her host of biting, stinging,
Constantine, TR11 5AA tumbling and falling over each other, like so
blood sucking and burrowing insets, ticks,
many incautious alpine skiers, brandishing
bugs, mites, flies, worms and parasites,
Anonymous items will be spades and other like implements, intent
her plenitude of weeds ready to strangle
ignored. upon creating a second ingress which is far
crops, her multitude of microbes choosing
more difficult to access than the original – a
Editorial right are reserved. the worst possible moment to pounce and
sort of planned peripatetic obstacle entrance
cause maximum trouble and chivvied from
- or perhaps the Over Seventies Leap Frog
Letter writers express their pillar to post by an assortment of officials
Team have been cutting out a new practice
own views only. simply doing their jobs. One walker crosses
course.
your land on an official footpath but then
All original articles in this Whoever it is please stop being a
complains that the path is muddy; the next
paper remain the property nuisance. A Farmer’s life is hedged about
thing you know you have a visit from an
of the paper and may not with more problems than enough in the
officer of the local council, who is perfectly
be reproduced without normal run of things. Threats to the safety
reasonable but interrupts your treatment of
permission. of his livestock and thus his livelihood caused
‘scurvy mange mite’. Certificates of health
by the inconsiderate actions of others is an
In This Issue.
have to be kept up to date on your livestock
added burden. A case of person or persons
and the necessary testing fees paid.
unknown overstepping the mark.
Page 2 & 3. Parish Council
Rather you than me!!! §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Page 3. Goodbye Kerrier
When we hear of a farmer’s life being
Page 4. What’s On Constantine Parish Council 16-4-09
made harder by thoughtless actions we are
justly concerned. Adjacent to the Church
Page 5. Constentenors Public Speaking Time
are the Glebe fields, rented by a farmer we all
Page 5. Peach Mitchell
know to be a community - minded man who
An objection was made to a planning
gives a lot of his spare time for the benefit
application to build a new dwelling adjacent
Page 6. Transition. of Constantine. His cattle graze peacefully
to Little Orchard on the grounds of shared
on the steep slopes of the Glebe fields in
access, extra effluent, run off water and exit
Page 7. County Corner comparative serenity, safe and sound. At
onto a blind corner. The Council noted the
least they were until part of the fence
Page 8. CASUAL & Ritz.
points of concern.
bounding the Glebe Garden was removed
The Council heard of worries about the
and steps, leading into said garden, were
Pages 9 to 47b. Stickleback cut and fashioned into the bank. A hazard amount of broken glass, from discarded
counting results. green bottles, within the Recreation
to cattle and garden alike. Thoughtless is as
Ground, on the grass verges alongside the
Vol. A.R.21 2 May 2009

that the Network Panel might become the only conduit to

CONSTANTINE STORES Cornwall Council – assurance was given that this will not
& happen. After further questions it was established that the
POST OFFICE Community Network Panels are part of the fiefdom of the
Head of Localisation.
Fine Wines & Spirits a Speciality Parish Council Meeting
The minutes of the last meeting were accepted and signed
the largest stock of whisky in as a true record.
the west Matters arising from the minutes but not on the agenda.
It was said that the sliding glass doors in the Notice Board
TELEPHONE 01326 340226 had once more become rigid – probably the wet weather
causing swelling of the wooden frame. Also the tiles around
WEBSITE w.w.w.drinkfinder.co.uk the notice board are fading.
A new dog bin has appeared at the top to the Glebe Fields
footpath.
The new water meter at the Bowling Club is as a result of a
Recreation Ground and on top of the wall by the Public
demand by South West Water.
Toilets. The grass verges have had to be sprayed to kill the
Police Report
growth to reveal the glass and large amounts of dog dung
P.C. David Cook introduced himself as our new Beat
which had made strimming an offensive and dangerous
Manager. He said that in the period since the last Parish
endeavour. A child walking along the top of the wall by
Council meeting there had been four reported crimes in
the toilets had trodden on a shard of glass which had cut
the area – the removal of a boat from Port Navas, the theft
through a sandal. The comments made about the public
of a boat trailer, the theft of toys and the theft of garden
toilets had been refuted strongly and the point made that
lights. Complaints had been received of nuisance behaviour
the only smell from the toilet was that of Jeyes Fluid applied
caused by youngsters carrying on the “knock up ginger”
for disinfecting purposes.
tradition. He and Andy Huddlestone are watching the
Mr Michael Lloyd from “Transition Constantine”
broken glass situation, ready to take action. A Councillor
spoke of the aims and intentions of this group of people
commented that he had seen a youth on a “quad” bike and
concerned about “Green” issues. The group is keen to have
taken a photograph whereupon he was verbally abused. P.C.
the support and advice of the Parish Council on renewable
Cook told the meeting that the “quad” bike now languished
energy projects in the Parish.
in the back of his police car and was on the way to the
Mr Scott Sharples, the Cornwall Council’s
crusher. He expects that the geographical area he covers
Community Network manager for Falmouth, spoke about
will become the same as the combined Councils although
this new initiative, set up to give local people a say in decision
for the moment the contact telephone number will still be
making. There is to be a Community Network Panel in
01326 555158.
Falmouth which will meet for the first time in September
County Councillor’s Report
of this year. There will be eighteen members of the Panel
The Councillor said that he had spoken to the Highways
– nine will be elected County Councillors and nine elected
Department who, so far, have not agreed to the making
Town and Parish Councillors, one from each of the nine
of parking bays at Well Lane. As far as he knows it is an
councils in the area. The Panel will be able to take comments
offence to put illicit road markings on a public highway. He
and advice from other community groups. It will not be a
will keep the matter alive. There is to be a pilot scheme
decision making body but will discuss and deliberate to
for local planning matters where he can be consulted. He
establish the priorities within the area which it will then
has concerns about the increasing amount of power and
pass to the unitary authority. The Parish Councillors
decision making being delegated to non-elected officers
questioned Scott Sharples closely on various matters,
of the Council. Parish Councils will no longer have the
including budget and grants (both very limited) planning,
power to call site meetings. He spoke of the worry about
influence etc., etc. Our local County Councillor made the
the situation at Port Navas quay and said that other things
point that the Community Network Panel will not have
being done on the Helford river gave a picture of cumulative
delegated powers to make policy decisions. He hopes that
impact which caused concern. The authorities who issue
it will not be a repeat of the Area Committees of some years
licenses and permissions were watching the situation.
ago, which turned into verbose talking shops. He has heard
Before authorities could intervene there had to be proof of
that the amount of money available to County Councillors
actions causing harm to people or to the environment. He
for direct disbursement is to increase. Concern was voiced
Vol. A.R. 21
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had attended a standards and ethics Board which usually
had 12 members but with the new arrangement had swollen
to 45 members dealing with 54 issues for resolution – a job
previously carried out at District Council level. – There
is a plan to sub-divide the Board so that decisions can be
taken in the area in which they originate (plus ca change).
The Boundary Committee had reported that it would not
be able to make a final recommendation until September
2009 because the Minister, by setting the election date to
the unitary authority for the same day as the European
Parliament elections, had pre-empted their decision. Thus
County Councillors will be elected on June 4th 2009 and
if that proves to be unworkable then alterations will have to
wait for four years. Finally he said that at the elections for
M.E. Ps. there will be 17 candidates.
Social Club- Disabled Access
The clerk reported that £ 1,700 is to come from Kerrier
D.C. Funds on the understanding that the work will be
completed by 31st May 2009.
Car Park
Two quotations have now been received and the work of
extending the present car park can be put in hand right
away. The clerk will conduct the chosen contractor and ask
him to start as quickly as possible.
Young People
It was reported that things had not moved ahead as quickly
as had been hoped. A response from the County Authority
has not yet appeared despite more than one requested from
Constantine. The portable skate board park had been a
huge success and since then some of the Young People had
come forward with ideas about activities they would like
to pursue. However, at the moment the Young People had
not produced any ideas about applying for funds from the
“Young Dreams – Our Money” funders (No quid pro quo).
There is space at the Tolmen Centre which can be used every
3 May 2009
Monday evening for the foreseeable future and it is hoped
that this will be well used. Presure on Cornwall Council will
continue to be applied.
Public Wells
There had been a meeting about putting identification plaques
on the wells but so far no conclusion has been reached. The
fencing that had been placed round one of the Wells had
been taken away by person or persons unknown and in so
doing the top of the well had been damaged. Suggestions
were made about ways of protecting the Wells but each had
its imperfections. The problem is that the Well having been
cleared of years of accumulated debris, now stands open to
be fallen into by the stupid, the unwary or the inebriated
and who is then liable?
The next Parish Council Meeting is to be on Thursday 21st
May, 2009.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
GOODBYE KERRIER
HELLO CORNWALL COUNCIL
On 24th April a shock awaited us on our front door
mat. A demand from Cornwall Council for payment of
overdue Council Tax. Echoing Sam Goldwyn I said:- “ In
two words im possible.” Said Council Tax is paid directly
from our bank by standing order on the first day of each
month.
Telephoning Cornwall Council we were advised by
an extremely pleasant and friendly young lady who took our
details then consulted her computer screen. She was able
to tell us that the tax had been paid in the way I said. She
apologised for the mistake and assured us that the relevant
department will be immediately informed and that we
should have no further trouble.
“I expect it is the change over!” she opined. “Of
course,” we replied, “only to be expected really, but it will save
us all money in the long run, won’t it?” A deathly hush, then
a slight giggle.
Listening to the terminology surrounding the change
from one authority to the other and the ways of dealing with
any glitches, we were struck by a slightly bizarre thought.
There is talk of a “bedding - in period” and talk of “ironing
out the bugs”. Does this mean that the bugs have got into
the bedding and need ironing out????????
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Simple extravagance is as costly as compound interest.
Vol. A.R 21 4 May 2009

W H A T‘ S O N
CONSTANTINE AMBLERS
All summer walks meet at Constantine Car Park @ 6.30 pm
Lifts can be arranged if necessary.
Contact re walks (and weather on day) Geraldine 01326 340266

Wed May 13th John Green walk in woods Porth Navas (Cars)
Wed May 27th Harry Jonas walk in woods Treglidgwith (Cars)

ONE AND ALL CLUB

Apologies for last time - this donkey got it wrong!! Ed.

Sat May 9th Coffee Morning. Social Club 10am to 12noon.

Mon May 25th Brixham - Coach leaves Gweek at 8.45 am

SAVE THE CHILDREN

Sun May 24th NGFS GARDEN & CREAM TEAS

THE TOLMEN CENTRE. Navas Hill House opening for the first time. 1.30 pm to 5.00 pm.
Entry £3, Children Free. Contact Aline Turner 01326 251233.
Saturday 2nd May at 7.30 pm
Portico Quartet CONSTANTINE HISTORY GROUP
Nominated for this year’s
Mercury Music Prize Friday 15th May Visit to Pendennis Castle.
“A singular talented outfit, pivoting on a
beautiful rhythm section and foregrounding CARNIVAL ORGANISING GROUP
Jack Wyllie’s fluent saxophone to a
mesmerising effect.” Time Out. Friday 15th May Farewell to American Friends 7.30 pm.
Tickets £8, Concs £7, Child £4.
CONSTANTINE W. I.
Saturday 9th May at 7.30 Mon May 11th Shelter Box
Under Milk Wood Competition Items for survival in a matchbox.
by Dylan Thomas
Under Milk Wood was first broadcast HELFORD V.M.C.A.
(posthumously) in January 1954 with a cast
led by Richard Burton. It caused a sensation Sat May 10th Springtime Flowers - Coastal Footpath from
and on 9th May Burton’s great nephew, Mawnan to Rosemullion. 2.30 to 4.30 pm. Meet Mawnan Church.
Guy Masterson brings his acclaimed solo
performance to Cornwall after appearances PORT NAVAS VILLAGE HALL
at six Edinburgh festivals, four Adelaide
festivals, the Arts Theatre in London and Sat 9th May Painting outside 10.00 am to 4.00 pm
numerous other venues throughout the A ay workshop led by Susan Hillier. Contact Claire Holmes 340336
world. The Times referred to it as:- “One of
the most inventive, remarkable performances 24th May to 30th May An exhibition of Botanical Paintings 10am - 4pm.
of the decade.”
Tickets £8, Conc £7, Child £4 Saying of April.
Tuning recorders and flutes is simply whistling in the wind.
The slow black, sloe black, fishing boat Tuning snare drums and timpani beats everything.
bobbing sea. Mike Hodges
Vol. A.R. 21
The Vicarage Farm
Shop are pleased to
announce that:-
MIKE HODGES has
joined us.
He will be in the shop on Monday and Thursday
of each week to cut meat to your requirements.
You will find us at the bottom of Retanna Hill on
the A394.
email.vicaragefarmshop@btconnect.com
CONSTENTENORS
ERMINTRUDE LILLIAN MITCHELL
16th August 1915 to 7th April 2009.
By Roy Keverne
A few days before she died the lady known to most of us as
‘Ermy’, ‘Peach’ or ‘Mitch’ asked me to say a few words about
her life.
Peach was born in 1915 at Comfort Constantine
and attended Constantine Girls School leaving at the age of
13 to enter service with the Crougey family at Trebarvah.
In 1934 she married Bert and the following year
their only child Maureen was born. Peach and Bert lived
at Comfort then moved to Brill and built a bungalow in the
meadow opposite Brill Leigh where they developed their
garden in their spare time. Sadly Bert died in 2000 and a
couple of years later Peach moved into the village.
Tragedy was no stranger to Peach – her father was
killed in W.W. 1 when she was three and in later life her
grandson died in a drowning accident.
Her family were a very important part of her life –
daughter Maureen, son-in-law Ivan, grand children Susan
and Anthony, great grand children Nancy and Spencer.
Many of them enjoyed a day out, with Peach pushing a
push chair from Constantine to Gweek followed by a picnic
on the green.
Charity work figured high in her life particularly
Guide Dogs for the Blind, the Visually Impaired Club at
Gweek and Motor Neurone Disease and she could always
be guaranteed to provide a raffle prize. During the war years
she knitted gloves and scarves for servicemen.
Village organisations and activities benefited from
her interest. The Garden Society, Ladies Circle, Constantine
Choir, the History Group, and Carnival all felt her
influence. She was in charge of teas at the Garden Society
show as well as exhibiting garden produce, embroidery and
knitting with Ivan and Anthony providing transport and
5 May 2009
muscle. For many years she and her gang at Brill organised
a float for the carnival often involving local apprentices to
help. She worked in the school kitchen and kept contact
after her retirement helping the children with knitting and
needlework. She was an important source of information
for the History group.
Her favourite pastime of all was gardening – Bert
often told the story of how she went one day to hang out
some washing and returned two hours later having become
involved in some light weeding which led to some tying
in and so on. She tilled her garden with her long handled
Cornish shovel until well into her eighties.
Peach showed commitment, dedication, energy
and willingness to help others. She was a giver and a doer,
not an ungracious or idle bone in her body. For those of us
who shared your interests we are so much the richer and we
thank you and will miss you.
A tribute to Ermy by Ronnie Rashleigh
My contribution to a lovely Constantine lady. When I
retired I used to walk around Brill and I was always invited
in for a cup of tea. Talking one day she said that she had
a photograph of her Father’s Cross in Belgium – I said
nothing (unusual). Later I went to Belgium and my son-
in-law asked if I would like to go anywhere special and I
said ‘Ypres’. Off we went but I could not find his cemetery
(wrong regiment) anyway, I got a photo later on behalf of
the history group. I knew she was in hospital because Ella
was in as well. When she came home I had something to
ask her about 3 houses at ‘Mill Row’ but never did and now
we might never know. “Farewell old Friend” I spent many
happy moments with you talking about old times.
WAR MEMORIALS
By Ronnie Rashleigh
Having helped Gweek to get photos of four soldiers graves
in Europe, which may be placed in an album, we hope to do
the same for Constantine. There are 22 named persons on
the war memorial, three of whom are buried in Constantine
churchyard. Once the photos are obtained they will be
placed in a leather bound album, with family histories. The
album will be housed in the museum. Pledges of money
to meet the cost have already been made and grants will be
sought. We will keep you informed as things move along.
Saying of the day:-
When that which is green refuses to be seen then that which is
blue will be petulantly true.
Mike Hodges
Vol. A.R. 21
Transition Constantine:
What’s it all about?
by Michael Lloyd
It used to be said that the only things you could be
certain of were death and taxes. Now we can add two more:
global warming and the end of finite fossil fuels, as we know
them.
Now, we may be not able to avoid death and taxes
but we can - and must - do something about wasting fossil
fuels and reducing carbon dioxide levels that have already
caused massive damage to our planet. Do not think that it
will self-right, it will not and do not think that it is all in the
future and nothing for us to worry about. It is here, it is now
and, for our children’s sake, it is our problem.
The U.K. government has set a target of 15% of
our energy to come from “renewables” in 10 years time.
Currently, it is about 4%. In 40 years time that figure must
rise to 80% with fossil fuels only used for cement making,
steel production and essential flying and maybe some other
activities but not for cars, vans, lorries etc.
In ten years a substantial amount of electricity
generation capacity is set to be replaced. Using nuclear
power is almost unavoidable. Relying on gas supplies
from Russia or elsewhere is not a good option. It all looks
depressing but there is some silver lining in these clouds.
The building of nuclear power stations, the Severn
Barrage and other major generating projects all take time
and vast amounts of money. Small projects can be built
quickly and can go a long way to supplying the needs of a
village like Constantine.
An energy Bill before Parliament has two
amendments which, if accepted, will increase the revenue
from generating electricity and heat from micro-generation.
If passed creating electricity with 50KW wind turbines
and water-mills will become much more economic. Whilst
6 May 2009
the turbines at Mabe have a maximum output of 1.7MW,
but only produce about a third of this over a year, they can
still power about 1,000 homes - more than in Constantine
- with electricity. Alternatively, a cluster of much smaller
wind turbines positioned correctly would perhaps be more
acceptable.
Electricity is only about a quarter of a household
energy consumption and does not cover heating and hot
water, which are needed. Cornwall is the leader in Ground
Source Heat Pumps, the cost of which can be reduced with
a £2,500 grant and ideally should be in all new homes as a
boiler replacement. Put in 2kwh of electricity and get back
8 kwh of heat. It makes sense. Solar panels are expensive to
install but do save money; costs are coming down and long
term clean energy is a goal for us all. Other schemes such
as micro-hydro based on streams with modern efficient
water wheels or tidal farms, farm biomass using woodland
and sawmill waste can all produce clean renewable energy
- interested?
Experts such as Gage Williams, from the Renewable
Energy Office Cornwall, have shown how Constantine
could cut heating costs, achieve a degree of energy security,
tackle fuel poverty and possibly put several million pounds
into the Parish each year.
“Transition Constantine” has started to look realistically at
the opportunities that face us in the years ahead. We are
not alone. Already over a dozen towns and parishes are
involved in the Transition Cornwall Network. In future
articles, we will give details on how to get involved and
how individuals and households can benefit from reduced
costs.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
I look into my glass
An view my wasting skin
And say, “Would God it came to pass
My heart had shrunk as thin.”
For then, I, undistrest
By hearts grown cold to me,
Could lonely wait my endless rest
With equanimity.
But Time, to make me grieve,
Part steals, lets part abide;
And shakes this fragile frame at eve
With throbbings of noontide.
Thomas Hardy.
Vol. A.R.21
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NEW PORTREATH, REDRUTH TR16 4HZ
COUNTY CORNER by Neil Hatton
Whilst many of the former District and County
Council matters have, in the past, been reported in the
Gweder Myras via the Parish Council meetings, there are
some aspects which require a little more explanation as we
head into the workings of the new unitary authority.
Accompanying this year’s Council Tax demand
was the guide to Cornwall Council Services, which
shows the amalgamation of those statutory and necessary
services, previously carried out by Kerrier District Council
or Cornwall County Council. The past 18 months have
been spent preparing for the single authority - removing
duplication,streamlining services,improving communication
to make more effective and efficient use of your Council Tax
money. I have attended quite a few of these ‘brain storming’
sessions coming away with confidence that, in time, the new
Cornwall Council will meet its declared targets. There is
always a cost associated with such a radical overhaul of local
government; reorganising and restructuring is not cheap and
will take a while to settle in before costs can be reduced and
[hopefully] be reflected in lower local taxes. 250 District
Councillors have been lost leaving the present 80 County
Councillors to take up the workload. More decisions will
be made at local government officer level with less public
involvement.
To deal with some of the concerns in the foregoing
paragraph, Cornwall Council has set up three structures:- 1.
Service Delivery Areas [ours is West Cornwall], Community
Network Areas [ours is now Falmouth based] and, so called,
One Stop Shops dealing with day to day frontline services
[ours is in Falmouth]. As an example, planning issues will be
decided at the Service Delivery Area, with opportunities for
representation from Parish/Town Councils and members
of the public .
Concerns about community issues will be addressed at
7 May 2009
the Community Network Areas where elected councillors,
the police, voluntary agencies etc., will be able to suggest
solutions to the unitary authority. In addition Cornwall
Council have set up a [Localism] team which is intended to
ensure that local people and communities have involvement
and a voice in decision making.
I apologise for this dull and bureaucratic report and
yearn for the days to return to pot holes, barn conversions,
school buses and community grants - but at this time the
priority is to ‘bed in’ the new single authority as quickly and
prudently as possible, in order to return to ‘normality’.,
Should you wish to raise any concerns or find out
more, there is a public speaking opportunity at the start of
every Parish Council Meeting [3rd Thursday, the Vestry,
6.45 pm] or you can contact me on 01326 340677.
Neil Hatton, County Councillor, Constantine.
Women’s Institute
We would like to share with you the recent 90th birthday
celebrations of one of our most long-standing members,
Beaujolais Cavendish. Beaujolais has been a part of
Constantine W.I. since the 1950’s, and in 1963 it was she
who approached a local bank to request the necessary loan
to buy the W.I. building where we still meet, quite a feat
for a woman in those days. Beaujolais represents all those
skills long associated with the W.I.; for example, she is a
very skilled craftswoman who still enjoys passing on her
knowledge to younger generations, and has something to
contribute to every meeting she attends. She has held the
office of President, Secretary and Treasurer over the years
and has put in such a lot of very hard work to the benefit of
Constantine branch and the village itself.
STUDIOS UNVEILED
In Mid May posters and trail maps will be in the village
giving details about local artists who will be opening their
studios from May 23rd to May 31st.
Sandra Boreham - Sculptor - Well Lane,
Annabel Harris - Painter - Church Square
Sally Spens - Painter/Printer - Ponjeravah
Lin Williams - Painter - Comfort Wartha
Invite you to visit to see them at work, to ask questions
and, if you wish, buy original art from them. Saturday 23rd
from 10.00 am is specially for the local community, critics
and connoisseurs alike.
Vol A.R. 21 8 May 2009

CONSTANTINE RITZ

Sidney has held out an

olive branch seeking peace and
reconciliation and restoration of
the former amicable relationship
between us. Ever suspicious, I
treated his advances somewhat

  

 
 



 
 
C. A. S. U. A. L
(Formerly the over 70s Leap Frog Team)
With spring tottering reluctantly towards us the first
tentative friendly matches have been and are being played,
mostly on old untrimmed courses where the long grass,
prickly gorse, hidden boulders and inclement weather create
problems. CASUAL, whose offensive and defensive coaches
keep them fit and active all the year round, seldom suffer early
season stiffness nor torn and tender tendons. However, other
teams often find that this time of the year is the most trying
and painful, as winter weary legs are dragged complainingly
back into match fitness. This is that unhappy month when
the slightest glancing knock or insubstantial bump can cause
injuries out of all proportion, and which look and feel far
more serious than they are. Recently, a worrying trend has
started to emerge where those who suffer seasonal injuries
try to blame their opposition for ‘Rough Play’. Within the
last two weeks both Wulfgang [Manacles] Ironside and
Tarzan Polducket have been on the receiving end of yellow
cards which should never have been issued.
Leapfrogging has ever been a contact sport where a little
robustness is only to be expected and if team members have
become such ‘milksops’, that the whistle of a boot near the ear
is enough to send them to the floor writhing in agony, then
things have come to a pretty pass. Taking scrapings from
between the studs on the boots of Whistling Jack Trefloggit
for the purposes of DNA testing is but one example of
an anti-Casual bias in the league. The fact that the boots
showed that the blood and hair scrapings did not come
from Jack does not exonerate the lineside referee [Bungla
Treviglos] from a charge of high handedness – as Jack said
– he never cleans his boots and the samples taken could have I have received so much ‘stick’ for dropping the sayings of
been there for months. Detailed D.N.A. testing supported Mike Hodges that you will once again find the odd ‘Saying
Jack’s defence since the tracings were found to relate to at of the day’ scattered throughout this organ. Ed.
least seventeen different people.
coldly. He broke down and
barely concealing his sobs he
explained to me that he wants

 to make an honourable woman
of Esmeranda and is about to organise a wedding to be
celebrated at the Ritz itself. As Esmeranda is a stranger
to these shores and has no relatives here she has asked
Sidney to ask me if I will become a proxy father and give
her away at the ceremony. He added that her feelings
towards me are as warm as a daughter,s should be and that
if anyone stands in her thoughts as ‘pater familias’ it is me.
I was so touched that I agreed immediately. Now Sidney
is a good one for asking for an inch and taking a mile and
this he proceeded to do. Figuring that my defences were
down he then asked me if I would also be his ‘Best Man’,
sugaring the pill by assuring me that I would be the first
ever person to carry out both roles at the same wedding.
I could see no pitfalls and happily joined in with all the
planning of the occasion until quite by chance, one of the
contractors asked me if he could have ‘a little something or
account’ as he had already laid out money on certain items.
It was then that a thought occurred to me and simple
research confirmed what I suspected. Sidney has been
telling everyone that, as the Bride’s father, the whole cost
of the wedding is down to me. I should have known better
and it looks as if this is going to an extremely costly lesson
for me. Luckily my footwork is quite good and I was able
to cancel some of the more extravagant items. (Thus there
will be no portable casino. No waterfall of champagne.
No carpet of Krugerands. No diamond, ruby, emerald
and topaz confetti. No swan stuffed with goose stuffed
with capon, stuffed with pheasant stuffed with partridge
stuffed with jack snipe).
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NEARLY AN APOLOGY
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