Star Wars Episode VI: Spirit of Vengeance By Timothy Bridge

Lights up on a sandy movie set, CREW MEMBERS running left and right, setting props, moving equipment. Center stage stands JJ ABRAMS with MARY and CAMERAPERSON. As JJ speaks, the crowd gathers around him. JJ ABRAMS Alright everyone gather round, gather round, very exciting, okay - as you know, my name is JJ Abrams, and I would like to welcome you all to the first official day of shooting for Star Wars Episode VII! The crew cheers excitedly before ABRAMS settles them down: ABRAMS Okay, okay, so lets get everything ready to begin shooting the first scene. As he says this, Crew Members disperse, taking their places, some exiting. Only ones who remain stationary are Abrams, Cameraperson, MARY. ABRAMS (TO MARY) Is my lead actress ready? MARY Well, to be honest, Im pretty nervous. ABRAMS Mary, you were cast in this role for a reason... MARY (interrupting) Actually, its not really me Im worried about. Abrams loses his smile for a second before reassuring her: ABRAMS Dont worry, hell be here, and Im sure its not as bad as everyone says, now lets focus on this scene. Abrams takes Mary SL. ABRAMS So, its been about 40 years since the end of the Galactic Civil War, and the Sith are still believed to have been defeated, until YOU, Jaina Solo, daughter of Han Solo and Princess Leia, sense a disturbance in the Force, and travel to th desert planet Tattooine to seek (MORE)

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ABRAMS (contd) council with your brother, Jedi Knight Jacen Solo... now... now where... hmm... excuse me? Has anybody seen my lead actor? Nic? NICOLAS CAGE enters SR, yelling out over the audience: NICOLAS CAGE Who stole my Chewbacca costume?! (beat) I know it was you Abrams! ABRAMS Excuse me, what? Nic, youre an hour late... CAGE You stole my Chewbacca costume! And everyone knows I need at least two hours and seventeen minutes of preparation in order to embody the pride, majesty, and sacrifice of one of the few remaining warriors of my now-lost planet of Kashyyyk. Mary and Abrams share a look. ABRAMS Mister Cage, Mister Cage for the hundredth time, you are not playing Chewbacca in this movie... CAGE Oh, come on! ABRAMS No, mister Cage. CAGE Id make an excellent wookie. Ive been practicing, watch. (Nicolas Cage rears his head back and yells like Nicolas Cage) May the "Waka-waka" be with you. ABRAMS No, mister Cage, Chewbacca isnt even in this movie, youre playing Jacen... CAGE Aww man... can I play Yoda? ABRAMS No mister Cage.

3. CAGE Can I play Jar-Jar Binx? ABRAMS Why would you want to play Jar Jar Binx? CAGE Because I felt his character was underdeveloped in the prequels. ABRAMS No you cannot play Jar Jar Binx. Im treading nerd-infested waters just by agreeing to make this, Im not about to screw this up/ CAGE Well, at least Im playing Han Solo. ABRAMS No, mister Cage, youre playing his son, Han Solo is being played by Harrison Ford. CAGE Ah, Harrison Ford, of course. It could only be him. He and I share a common bond, in that we were both in movies in which we had to fight people on airplanes. And while we both may concede the throne to American hero Samuel L. Jackson, whose bravery aboard the snake-infested jumbo jet tops even my comrade mister Ford throwing Commissioner Gordon from Air Force One, I still stand tall knowing that I was the first to do it that fateful summer in 1997. Take that Academy! ABRAMS Okay, whatever, so youre playing Jacen Solo, thats non-negotiable. CAGE I accept. You run a hard bargain JJ Abrams, but I respect you for your uncanny monster-creating abilities. ABRAMS Thanks. CAGE I mean it. ABRAMS Okay, so in this scene, your sister Jaina, played by the lovely Mary Garvey, is visiting you in a plaza on Tattooine, and is discussing a strange disturbance in the Force... mmhmm. You know this scene right?

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CAGE I know all scenes before they happen, JJ. Havent you seen Next? ABRAMS I have not. Abrams heads SR to talk to Cameraperson, leaving Nicolas Cage with Mary. CAGE Nicolas Cage. Nice to meet you. MARY Hi, Im Mary, its a real honor to be working with you mister Cage, Im a big fan of your work. CAGE Thank you for your kind words. They bring me joy. However, I come to you with a word of warning, a word of warning that I give to every female actress I work with... MARY Oh god... CAGE First, Im married, so dont even think about it. Though most of me is abrasive and unhinged, my sexual lebido is one Cage that will remain locked. And second, at times during my acting, Ive been told that I can get unnecessarily erratic... the scene in The Wicker Man when I punch Kathy Bates in the face... that was not in the script. I just really wanted to punch Kathy Bates in the face... MARY So what youre saying is... CAGE I cant promise that I wont punch you in the face at a random point during this scene. You seem like a nice enough lady, I will likely be able to quell my aggression. MARY Uhh... Mister Abrams... Mary crosses SR to Abrams, leaving Nicolas Cage alone, unfazed, and whispering to himself.

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MARY Mister Abrams, I am sorry, but I do not feel comfortable doing this scene. ABRAMS What? Are you serious Mary, whats the matter? MARY Its him, I just dont feel comfortable working with him. ABRAMS Oh come on, sure hes kinda off, but hes a good guy, theres nothing wrong with him... Mary and JJ Abrams look over at Nicolas Cage speaking to himself. CAGE Okay, youre a Jedi Knight, dont punch the girl in the face, Jedi Knights dont punch women in the face... (he pauses, having a relevation) They decapitate women with their lightsabers... No Nic, stick to the script, stick to the script... MARY See?! ABRAMS Okay, okay, its a short scene, you dont interact with him much in the film, well try to do it as fast as possible, alright? Everyone, places! People begin shuffling into place. Abrams stands behind the Cameraperson, who points at Mary. Nicolas Cage begins doing jumping jacks behind the camera. ABRAMS Alright, and lights, roll sound, roll film, cue extras, and ACTION! John Williams fanfare. Mary walks forward, taking the hood off her robe and looking around. MARY Jacen... I can sense you are here. Nicolas Cage enters slowly, placing his hand on Marys shoulder.

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CAGE My sister... it has been so long. MARY Well the Galaxy certainly isnt so big to hold us apart forever. CAGE Perhaps... The Cameranperson looks back at Abrams, rolling his eyes. CAMERAPERSON What the hell..? ABRAMS Dont look at me. Lucas still wrote the script... Cage looks around frantically and grabs Marys arm. CAGE We must speak elsewhere, it is not safe here... they are coming. MARY What do you mean? Who is coming? CAGE (after a long pause) The bees. ABRAMS CUT! Cut! Nic, what was that? CAGE What?! What happened? ABRAMS There are Stormtroopers on their way! Bees?! What the hell are you talking about? CAGE Bees are the most bloodthirsty killers in the galaxy, Abrams. Youre not being an innovator. Imagine a scene where a Jedi Knight is forced to fend off a swarm of at least ten to fifteen bees! ABRAMS I dont WANT to imagine a that! I WANT YOU TO DO THE SCENE AS ITS FUCKING WRITTEN MISTER CAGE!

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CAGE Im sorry JJ, I got carried away, bees are just so terrifying. ABRAMS Okay, lets just move on to a different scene. Jania youre explaining to Jacen that you feel a disturbance... CAGE And then I feel it too... ABRAMS Thats right Nic, exactly Nicolas Cage fist bumps himself and gives a dumb, proud smile to Mary, who backs away from him. ABRAMS Okay! lights, roll sound, roll film, cue extras, and ACTION! John Williams fanfare, lights down as Nicolas Cage and Mary crouch, whispering. MARY Jacen, this has nothing to do with our father, this has to do with something larger. CAGE You act as though I dont know that... MARY Only because you do too! Nicolas stands and stares off, an emotionless expression on his face. MARY I sense something brother... you know it to be true... CAGE I know... I sense a great disturbance in the Declaration of Independence. ABRAMS CUT! CUT! WHAT?! CAGE Aww why are we cutting? I was in it. That was a perfect take!

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ABRAMS The fucking Declaration of Independence?! What the hell does that have to do with this scene?! CAGE Disney owns Star Wars now, which is a perfect opportunity to blend the harrowing epic interstellar war battles with the dense thrilling history of the classic National Treasure franchise. Jedi Knight Benjamin Gates Solo in Star Wars Episode VI: Book of Secrets! ABRAMS God dammit. CAGE Can we just do the scene JJ, youre getting in the way of a cinematic masterpiece. ABRAMS Whatever, skip to when you convince him to return to Corascant with you, fine with you Mary? MARY I just dont really care anymore. CAGE Is this also the scene where my skull catches on fire and it is revealed that I am undercover as Darth Ghost Rider? Abrams shakes his head. ABRAMS Fuck it. Roll sound, fuckin action whatever. John Williams fanfare. Mary approaches Nicolas Cage. MARY Brother, listen to me. We must return to Coruscant. The balance of the Force depends on it. CAGE I know what I must do. Nicolas Cage rears his head back and screams before kicking Mary in the stomach. She falls back, unconscious. CAGE Im not the droid youre looking for!

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ABRAMS CUT! Blackout.