Feeling rather thankful, Santa Singh, a farmer climbed to the highest hill on his farm, raised his arms

above his head and yelled, 'God, why did you make my wife, Jaspinder, so beautiful?' The answer came back, 'So you would love her, my son.' Then he asked, 'Why did you make her such a good cook?' 'So you would love her, my child.' replied the Almighty. 'Why did you make her such a great housekeeper?' 'Again, so you would love her.' 'But Lord, why did you make her so stupid?' pondered the farmer. 'So she would love you.' A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up. Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account... and you know what? Wife: What? Man: I think you're bad luck. Teacher: Student: Teacher: Student: What r the people of Turkey called? I don't know. They're called Turks, now what are the people of Germany called? They are called Germs.

Jaswinder awoke during the night to find that her husband Santa Singh was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye. 'What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?' she asked. 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we met and you were only 16?' Santa asked. 'Yes I do.' she replied. 'Do you remember when your father caught us when we were making out secretly in your room?' 'Yes I remember.' 'Do you remember your father when he shoved that gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?' 'Yes I do', she replied. Santa wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'You know I would have gotten out today.' What did Banta Singh say when he saw a banana peel lying on the floor? Oye aaj phir phisal na pade ga! What did Banta Singh say when he saw two banana peels lying on the floor? Oye kis par se phisaloon??? A beggar asks a man in car at a traffic light for a few Rupees. The man says, 'If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?' The beggar says, 'No, I dont drink'. The man asks, 'Will you gamble it away?' The beggar says 'No, I dont gamble'. Then the man asks, 'Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?' Customer: Bhai kab se wait ker raha hoon khana abhi tak tayyar nahi howa? Hotel Wala: Sir khana to teen din pehlay se tayyar hai, bas gharam ho raha hai! After three years of marriage, Jaswinder was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. 'Come-on, tell me,' she asked for the thousandth time, 'how many women have you slept with?' 'Jassi,' Santa Singh protested, 'if I told you, you'd throw a fit'. Jaswinder promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced Santa to tell her. 'Okay,' he said, 'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen...' One day when Santa Singh entered into his house he saw his wife in bed with Banta Singh! He gets very very angry, takes out his shotgun and shoots Banta Singh!

Banta Singh is dead instantly. His wife screams at Santa, 'Are you crazy! If you behave like this you will lose all your friends!!!' An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in India when a young Indian lawyer approached him and asked, 'Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?' When told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Hindi. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. 'No, no,' he replied. 'We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.' A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. 'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?' Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?' By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?' Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!' Each morning the man was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. 'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!' man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first? The man says 'The bad news.' The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!' The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!?? 'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!' A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. 'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?' 'Throw out an anchor, sir.' 'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?' 'Throw out another anchor, sir.' 'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'

'Throw out another anchor.' 'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?' 'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.' The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. 'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh. 'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely. 'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.' 'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly. 'That's it.' 'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.' 'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.' A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.' 'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.' The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?' 'Yes,' replied the man. 'Did she like it?' 'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!'' Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, 'Head up or head down?' 'Head up,' said the doctor. 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' said the executioner. 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-zz-ing! Down came the blade and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free. Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: 'WAIT! I see what the problem is!' Santa Singh had been a sick man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called in Banta Singh, his best friend to stand with him. As Banta stood next to the bed, Santa's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned

frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Santa used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then suddenly died. Banta thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Santa had died. He said, 'You know, Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.' He opened the note, and read, 'Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!' A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.' 'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.' The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?' 'Yes,' replied the man. 'Did she like it?' 'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!'' One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?' 'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.' 'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?' Yeah and they're in favor 15 to 2.' A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!' 'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?' 'About two minutes ago,' came the reply. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. 7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied. Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arriving, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, at least two out of three of you made it.' 'True sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!' Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...' Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?' Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!' Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?' Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything. Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave. Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?' A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked. 'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!' The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. 'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed. 'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!' A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?' The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.' A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. 'Are you sure? the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?' Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. 'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.' Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?' 'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied. 'I don't believe it!!! screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100? 'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'its Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'