All that glitters could be gold...

(transcript of an interview with Raoul Sinclair of The Dreaded Bliss and some of his friends) It's on a grey and windy Sunday morning that I make my way across the city. Normally I'd be tugged up in bed still but getting up early will pay off. It's not everyday that you are about to have breakfast with one of the most notorious people in pop music this side of Lady Gaga. I'm of course talking about Raoul Sinclair, who is currently back in the charts with his band The Dreaded Bliss. For all of those among you who spent the last decade on the moon or only listen to BBC 6, let me mention that Raoul first shot to fame in 1988 as front man of Raoul & the Romeos. His career since has seen some remarkable ups and downs; from platinum discs, prestigious awards and sell-out tours to drug addiction, breakdowns and suicide attempts. What most people forget is that he was in the headlines even before The Romeos were formed, back in 1984 when the papers dubbed him The Mystery Man, who'd been found unconscious in The Pink Flamingo (a gay bar in Soho) one night and later claimed to have lost all his memories. As I hurry across the well-packed Millennium Bridge, the wind howls around my ears. A mixture of sleet and rain is coming down and I try to hang on to my umbrella. Only minutes later I'm on the fifth floor of Tate Modern, a level that can only be reached by lifts and houses the so-called Members Room. Which is a bit of an understatement as it runs the entire length of the building and offers an immense space to sit, think, sip a drink or enjoy something from the food menu. A perfect place to meet Raoul, as it marries Victorian grandeur with ultra modern design. As I step through two unassuming fire doors that quietly swing shut behind me, I'm greeted by warmth, laughter and the most astonishing view across the river, with St. Paul's Cathedral directly opposite. As I hand my coat and umbrella to a waiter, Raoul gets up and walks up to meet me half way to his table. He smiles and shakes my hand enthusiastically. Good morning, he greets me. You've brought some awful weather with you! Come and have a cup of tea with us! I'm at once disarmed and charmed. Raoul might be small and skinny he's just about 5'6 but he's full of energy and life. It had been agreed that no photographs would be taken during our chat but I can tell you that he wore slim fit back jeans with black studded leather trainers by Alexander McQueen and a woollen grey v-neck sweater with a huge grinning skull on the front, all sequins and rhinestones. His hair had been dyed blond again, he wore it swept back from his forehead like a Teddy Boy. The trademark black eye-liner made his eyes look even bigger and there was a touch of gloss on his lips. He led me to the table and slipped back onto the leather bench that ran along one wall. Three men greeted me and shook my hand. From left to right it was: Stefan Roth, Callum Livingstone and Kevin Anderson. All three have been mentioned in reports about Raoul in the papers lately but so far no comments had been available from the Sinclair camp. Stefan Roth was the youngest at the table, a tall and painfully skinny lad in his early 20s with messy blond hair, a pale boyish face and the cutest smile you've ever seen. He wore plain blue jeans and a navy hooded top with the word 'Baltic' printed in bold white letters across the chest. Callum Livingstone on the other hand looked like a still from an old black and white movie come to life. He was of medium height, slender rather than skinny, with pale blue eyes, wavy white hair that had been cut short and parted at the middle. He was dressed in what had to be a wellfitting, tailor-made tuxedo suit in black, trimmed in grey, complete with matching waistcoat, tie and pocket square. Had he worn a top hat as well, I might've been tempted to ask if he had an appointment in Ascot later that day. Last but of course by no means least came Kevin Anderson, a lad with broad shoulders, a devil-may-care grin and quite a physique underneath his tight-fitting G-star T-shirt. When we'd all settled down and my tea had been served, the interview began. Thank you for agreeing to do this interview, gentlemen, I said as I placed my little tape recorder in the middle of the table. Raoul and Callum nodded solemnly but Anderson chuckled.

Blimey, no-one's called me a gentleman before, he giggled and elbowed Stefan in the ribs, who looked ill at ease. Nor it is likely that anyone will ever again, Mr. Livingstone commented tersely. Oh, come on! Don't start like that, Raoul pleaded with them. I'm so sorry, he went on and flashed me a quick smile. Sometimes having those two around is like trying to babysit teenage boys! Anderson giggled, while Mr. Livingstone folded his arms across his chest and sighed. Stefan rolled his eyes and then asked: Aren't we here for the questions? Indeed. I took that as my cue to speak up. I've collected quite a few questions. Some are for everybody and some are aimed at specific people. We've got serious ones and silly ones. What would you like to begin with? There was a brief discussion in hushed tones, then Raoul said: Begin with the serious personal ones. Then we have those dealt with, we can all have a laugh. Can I go first? Anderson asked. He looked all eager and grinned from ear to ear. By all means, Raoul agreed as he leaned back and smiled at Stefan, who looked a little nervous. Very well. As it happens my readers have sent in quite a few questions for you, Kevin. You seem to have quite a reputation. Anderson puffed himself up like a peacock and leaned forward. He winked at me and grinned his best naughty grin. See? Told ya so, people like a bit of sex on legs. Kev! Stefan exclaimed but his friend only shrugged his shoulders. What? Okay, first question comes from Stevie. She asks: Boxers or briefs? Or rather nothing? Oh, that's a neat one, Kevin rubbed his hands together. Boxers are great to sleep in. Plenty of room for your crown jewels an' all. Briefs are bit boring, dontcha think? Tell you what I like, those push up jockstraps you get at Prowler's. The ones that leave your bum bare. Those are gross, Stefan muttered. Your bum's far too hairy for that. Everybody laughed and then Anderson slapped Stefan's shoulder playfully. What's your fav then, kiddo? Oh no... Stefan blushed a little. Boxerbriefs. He glanced sideways at Raoul, who immediately said: Low rise trunks. Grey, navy or black. Never white. I hate white underwear. Calvin Klein or Diesel. They had a line with tiny skulls on them a while ago. I was quite fond of those. When I looked at Mr. Livingstone, he just shook his head. No comment. The next one goes to Kevin as well. Aubrey asked: What is your favourite position? What? Like during sex? Woah, that's more fun than I thought it would be. Lemme think... he scratched his head and thought for a moment. Anything where I can get a good mouthful of cock. Oh, and the one where you sit on a chair with your knees drawn up and the other bloke's bending over in front of you so that you can fuck 'em nice and easy. Any position really, as long as you don't have to be some kind of snake dancer to be able to do it.

Raoul only grinned. The other two remained silent, so I moved on: Chris wants to know what your limits are. Sexually and if you even have any. He also asks: Have you ever been in love? Can I meet that bloke? He sounds like fun. Stefan buried his face in his hands and giggled while Mr. Livingstone leaned over to whisper to Raoul: Did you know all they wanted to discuss was filth? Raoul laughed out loud and smiled wickedly. Relax, it's only rock'n'roll. Does he want to know how often I can do it in one day? Kevin mused. I never counted. Honest, I dunno. Guess I made it at least five times once, but that was for cash. If I was with a sexy stranger and real eager... Who know? He winked again. No, Kay. I think Chris wants to know if there's anything you wouldn't do. Not even for cash, Raoul explained. Oh! Right... Well, yeah. These days I won't let 'em beat me or tie me up. Or... he caught a pleading glance from Raoul, which seemed to beg him not to go into too much detail. Or do any really gross things. Bet you know what I mean and if you don't, better for ya. I've done threesomes. Girls, too. Tell you what, what I really, really, really wouldn't want to do is anything with animals. Y'know? That stuff's really sick. What was the other question? Have I ever been in love? Well, yeah. Sure. Last time was real bad. It was a posh bloke. Joseph... He turned to face Stefan. Francis knew him, you know? He referred to Francis O'Neal, singer of Synthetic Symphonies who's rumoured to be Stefan's ex-boyfriend. Joseph, he runs an antique shop on King's Road with his father. Handsome bloke. Sexy. Body to die for and a ten inch tally-wacker. Anyways, didn't work out. But yeah, was in love with him for quite a while. Last one for you, Kevin. This one's from Jordan: Do you have any regrets? Raoul chuckled and began to sing in passable French: Non! Rien de rien. Non! Je ne regrette rien... Anderson stared at me for a moment, his smiles and grins suddenly gone. He frowned and looked over my shoulder, out of the window. Tons, he finally said in a quiet voice. The drugs. Stuff I've done... Y'know? Nothing I wanna talk about now. Stefan placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. It's okay. Me, I'm fine. Right as rain, an' all. Go on, who's next? Raoul held up his hand. Let me. Then I can mentally prepare myself for the Smash-Hits-type questions while Cal and Stefan answer theirs. Okay, an easy one first. It's from Elisabeth and she asks: How do you like showbiz? Also, would you ever consider collaborating with Night Boys? Oh, I love showbiz, Raoul's eyes sparkled as he spoke. I love it, I really do. Not the business side of it, that's a necessary evil. But the rest... It's great! To be able to step onto a stage to sing your songs... To have people sing along and clap and scream, he laughed. It's the best job ever. And to think I get paid for this... No, seriously, I wouldn't know what else to do. I never had a proper job. Or if I did, I don't remember. The press can be a pain in the neck though, sometimes. When I was forced to go into rehab, there were some ugly headlines. Some outright lies, too and other things had been taken out of context and twisted to give me a bad name. That wasn't funny. It hurt a lot of people. Good people. It also gets a bit scary when fans follow you everywhere but I'm not complaining. He sipped his tea before he went on: Would I work with NightBoys? Well, yes. Why not? Only thing is, the way through the mirror can be dangerous and you never know what kind of mess you create when you're doing things on such a big scale in a world you don't belong in. Next Aubrey wants to know what your favourite David Bowie album is.

That's a tough one. Bloody hell... Raoul drummed his fingers on the table top. It has to be either 'Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars' or 'Aladdin Sane', I can never decide which. You know, I didn't grow up in the '70s. Not in the 1970s at least. I grew up in late Victorian times in London. He paused and laughed to mask his sudden uneasiness. What can I say? It's complicated. I don't remember much of my youth but it wasn't like what it must've been like during the 70s, with glam and disco and punk later. I like those two albums because they make me feel young, make me feel like a teenager who's half in love with Ziggy. He laughed again and went on: And then I have to add his new one, The Next Day. And no, I haven't heard it yet. I only know the single, same as everybody but I have to add it anyway. I mean: it's a new Bowie album! Kevin and Stefan laughed while Callum looked unimpressed. Not my kind of music, he said with a small smile when he caught me looking. Another one for Raoul, this time from Jordan. He asks: What is your clearest happiest childhood memory? That's a cruel question to ask him! Callum protested. He shouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense! It's alright, Raoul assured him. He placed his hands on Callum's shoulders and looked him in the eyes. It's alright, he repeated. I'm fine. Those questions... They don't bother me. He smiled and released Callum. When he ran a hand through his hair, I realized it was shaking slightly. To answer the question, Raoul took a deep breath before he went on: I suffer from amnesia. I can't remember much of what happened before the 31 st of October 1983, when I collapsed at The Pink Flamingo and they first took me to a hospital and later the loony bin. I've managed to piece some of my past together but much is still a mystery. Two things I do remember though. One is standing on a stony beach. Cliffs rise up, steep and ragged behind me, the wave crash against the shore and gulls shriek in the steely grey sky above me. I must've been four or five, a wee boy with long hair blowing in the wind and a wooden toy sword clenched in my hand. I can smell the salt on the wind, feel the sting of the wind, the coldness that crawls in through every opening in your clothing... his voice trailed off and he looked sad and lost for a moment. Then he forced a smile and said: The other thing I remember is someone singing to me. An old lullaby. I used those words in a song of mine, Just like December. Those words still haunt me in my dreams but they make me smile, too. Silence fell after Raoul had finished speaking. Stefan reached out and took his hand in his. Go on, Raoul said after a moment. I don't want to spoil the mood. Right. The next couple of questions are all from Elisabeth. Here we go: What's your favourite thing to eat? Do you like carrots? Do you like to shower? Last one: what's your kind of music? Those are almost Smash Hits questions, Raoul laughed again. Oh dear... Favourite food... Something exotic and spicy. Some nice curry with almonds and mango in it. Or for simple food, scrambled eggs on toast. Can't beat that for breakfast. As for carrots... They're alright. I eat them raw. Don't care for them much when they're cooked. Roasted is a different thing again. They are not my favourite vegetable. What was next? Do you like to shower? Kevin sniggered and Stefan threw him a warning glance. Well, yes. Are there people who don't? I get a bit obsessive about being clean, so I tend to shower two, sometimes even three times a day, if I can. Bloody OCD... A hot bath is nice when you've got the time but showers are great.

Elisabeth also asked what your kind of music was. My kind of music? Raoul threw his hands into the air in mock desperation. Does she want to know what kind of music I listen to or what kind of music I make? I listen to a lot, really. Depends on my mood or if I'm working on anything myself. 80s pop music made me want to be a singer. I was in love with Soft Cell's Torch. It's such a powerful song. He thought for a moment. I still like electronic music, like Grum, Monarchy, Shy Child, Little Boots or Tiga. I used to listen to a lot of house and techno when I still went out clubbing. You mean, when you were still high on E, Kevin interrupted. Raoul ignored him. Stefan's introduced me to what they call Dark Electro in Germany. Bands like Project Pitchfork, Psyche or Asbury Heights. I love Bowie. Dusty. Liza. Edith Piaf. Emotional music, music that touches me and makes me feel something. The music I make... What do they call it in the papers these days? Electro-Glam. Electronic pop with a hard edge to it. But I've also done solo shows with just a piano player and my old guitar. It's all about the songs, the instrumentation comes second. Next one's from Stevie. She asks: If you could have any superpower, what would it be and what would you use it for? What? Like The X-Men? I'd look stupid in a spandex suit. I'd like to be able to fly. Like a bird. Like Icarus. That would be fun. You could just spread your wings and fly somewhere else if you had enough. Kevin was whispering something into Stefan's ear. All I caught was the words 'super dick'. I chose not to comment and neither did Stefan. Chris sent in the following question and says: Raoul: I hope you don't mind me being personal, but is Stefan the best guy you feel you've been with or was there someone else in your past we don't know about yet? Wow, people are well informed, Raoul whistled through his teeth. He glanced at Stefan. Do you want me answer or would you prefer it if I skip the question? Stefan shrugged his shoulders. He looked uncomfortable but grabbed hold of Raoul's hand again. Answer. Okay, Raoul kissed Stefan's hand, then turned to look at me. Stefan is a marvellous person and I love him dearly. That he chose to be with me means the world to me. More than I can ever say. He's so... wonderful. A real joy to be with. He's smart, he's kind, he's sweet and very cute. And sexy. He's a damn good kisser, too. Stefan had gone an interesting shade of red. He gave Raoul's head a little smack. What? It's true! You are a damn good kisser. God, and the other things the boy can do with his tongue... He grinned and easily dodged another of Stefan's little slaps. He makes me feel alive and strong and like I have a future. A shadow passed over Raoul's face and he quickly looked away. Let's not go into that. Some health complications, that's all. There have been others... Lot's of men but I only loved three of them with all my heart. It always ended in tears. In tears and blood. There was Marcus, back then, in the 1890s. He's dead now. Sorry business. He turned cruel. Then there was Nicky. He was a darling but... he had issues of his own and couldn't stay with me. Last was Mark. We messed up big time. Some of it was in the papers last year but I'd rather not talk about it. Chris also asks: Which was your favourite and most exciting era to have experienced so far? As in - the Victorian period or whatever else. Hmm, it might sound boring but I have to say now. My memorys still patchy at best and I don't recall enough of my past to really be nostalgic about it. Now I'm clean, I feel better than I have in years, I've got my mind together enough that I've learned to live with my madness and I know what I want. I've got Stefan and my music and a bit of success and that's more

than I thought I'll ever have. I've also re-discovered my magical powers and it's fun to play with them, to find out what I can do. Last one for you alone, Raoul. Thank goodness, he laughed. All this talking is making me thirsty. This one's from Jordan. He asks: What is the one frivolous object you cannot live without?" Butt plugs? Kevin suggested helpfully. Raoul roared with laughter and couldn't stop. Soon tears were running down his check. Wordlessly Stefan handed him a tissue so that he could wipe the tears away before they ruined his make-up. Good heavens, Kay, shut your mouth or I'll have to wash it out with soap, he scolded when he was able to speak again. Kevin grinned. I'd like to see you try. What's a 'frivolous object'? He mused. Does lube count? There's this stuff, it's called Liquid Silk and it's bliss to use. Honestly. No, wait. I know it's not an object,, but have you tried a tantra massage? That is more than bliss, that is heaven. With all the choirs of angles and stuff. Is that frivolous enough? I can only recommend it. And I wouldn't want to live without them. Stefan rolled his eyes and looked like he wanted to slap Raoul again. Instead he turned to Callum and asked: Do you want to go next? I would, only I really have to go to the toilet before I answer any questions. The others laughed and Callum nodded. Fine with me. You better hurry, Stefan, I said. There are only two questions for Callum. Oh bother, Stefan sighed as he got up. I'll be off then. Funny isn't it? Raoul mused. Cal gets the least amount of questions when he's one with the most stories to tell. I mean, the guy's over a hundred years old. People always mistake your brooding silence for hostility Callum tilted his head and arched an eyebrow. And you think they are wrong to do so? I know they are. Callum smiled, a bright sincere smile that lit up his face and made me realized how handsome he really was. Go ahead, please. Ask your questions. Aubrey says: You always look so stylish, favourite designers? Well, thank you. I don't really have a favourite designer. I have all my suites tailor-made. You just cannot beat the quality and the comfort of a bespoken suit. I still like the way gentlemen used to dress in the Victorian and Edwardian era. Fine fabrics, fine tailoring and a touch of extravagance. Next up is Chris, who has a bunch of question for you. The first one follows this one up very nicely. It is: Favourite item of clothing? Callum shifted his position on the bench, crossed his legs and thought for a moment. A midnight blue frock coat. I'd been presented with it a long time ago. I usually wore it to the opera but I haven't put it on since after the war.

Very nice. Chris' other questions are: What was your ideal career choice before you "changed"? Do you prefer day or night time? Why? How did you meet Raoul? What was your first impression of him? Before I changed? Does he mean before I was turned into a vampire? Well, let just say that my options were limited. I was an orphan boy, who'd been adopted by an evil vampire. I'd been trained to be... ...a bloody rent boy, same as me, Kevin interrupted. Look how the mighty fall. That remark earned him a stern look from Raoul. Not exactly delicately put but quite to the point. Yes, Kevin, thank you for your input. Apart from that I was a thief. Then I helped Raoul with what he was doing and then... after I was turned, things changed. Raoul disappeared. I left the country soon after he went missing and returned to America. I've worked as a clerk and many other things since. One of the last jobs I had was as manager of a nightclub in Las Vegas. You might've heard of The Rubicon. I prefer the night, even though it's a myth that vampires must sleep during the daylight hours. Some, especially The Fortunate Ones, are sensitive to sunlight but it does not kill them. I've always liked the night best, when everything is dark and only the stars glitter in the sky, even before I was turned. How did I meet Raoul? He sighed and tapped a finger against his chin thoughtfully. He looked at Raoul and smiled wistfully. Quite by chance. I met him quite by chance. I'd run away from my keeper and was hiding in the city. A circus had just come into town. I'd heard it whispered about from other kids on the streets. I ran all the way down to Ludgate and found them there amidst a field of mud. Colourful tents and animal enclosures and little wooden caravans. Right in the middle of all that mud was a boy, juggling three burning torches. He was a filthy little wrench but he smiled at me and we talked and later we became friends. Raoul looked puzzled. He frowned as if he was trying hard to summon the memory from somewhere inside of his head. When he failed, he cursed softly under his breath and looked at Callum. What did I think of you, he wants to know, Callum told Raoul. His voice was soft and his smile a touch sad. My first impression was that he'd make a formidable guttersnipe. Then I heard him laugh and wanted to be his friend from the spot. Stefan chose that moment to re-appear. We all watched him as he made his way across the vast room back to our table. Callum had fallen silent and did not seem willing to say anything else. It's your turn now, I informed the young man. You timed your return perfectly. Well then, let's get it over with. Okay, your first question comes from Aubrey, who asks: Why the fascination with Winnie the Pooh and cartoons? Because he's a silly kiddo, Kevin remarked but his voice lacked rancour. Oh, that, Stefan looked relieved and grinned. I like cute things. Some people like kittens and I like Winnie the Pooh and Hello Kitty. I first got into Winnie at school. We read the books in our English lessons when we'd just started to learn the language. I liked the fact that they were all friends. You know, they all have their faults but it doesnt matter because they are friends? I guess I always wanted friends like that. And when I came here, I was amazed at how much Winnie stuff you can get here. Not just at the Disney Store but everywhere! I mentioned that I liked Winnie the Pooh to Francis and he started giving me Winnie presents. Like, a pair of of pyjamas with Piglet, socks, a notebook with Owl and so on.

The next three question all come from Chris. First of all he wants to know the following: What was your first impression of the UK? That's easy, Stefan beamed. It was dark, I was on a ferry on the way to Dover. It was cold, it rained and I saw the White Cliffs in the distance and I loved them! I was so glad I had finally arrived! When I made it to London, I was surprised how big the city is. It took me quite a while to get used to that. And to the fact that it's noisy and dirty. And that the underground closes at midnight. That's really odd. Chris' next question is: when did you start drawing/how did you get into art? Were you always artistic? Hmm, I can't remember a time when I didn't draw or paint so I guess I must've started in kindergarten. I remember that my dad took me to a museum when I was about 5 or so that was before he and Mum got divorced. I was just so thrilled so see all that stuff, all those paintings and sketches. It was a revelation. People had done all that. Grown up people and people went to look at it and they liked it and were impressed by it. I wanted to do that, too when I was a grown up. My mum... she never liked the fact that I was good at arts. Luckily I was good at school and not too bad at sports so she left me alone with my art most of the time. But I always felt happiest when I could draw or paint. And the last one, also from Chris: How did you and Francis meet? And again, first impression of him? Francis? They are still asking about Francis? The boy had paled a little but Raoul leaned closer and kissed his cheek. He whispered something into Stefan's ear. The boy nodded and smiled shyly. Okay, I'll tell you. It's a silly story really. I'd been in London for about two weeks. I'd come on my 18 th birthday, on the 26th of November. Long before the new term started but I didn't care. I lived in a dodgy youth hostel in Brixton, where I shared a room with ten Russians. They all snored. It was hell. Anyway, I'd found this job as a delivery boy for an Indian restaurant. My route was through parts of Southwark and Bermondsey. Back then, Francis lived near the river. When you opened the front gate, a long tiled corridor led to the flat and to a staircase. I was to make a delivery to Francis's place. I'd no idea that he lived there. I'd no idea who he was anyway. So... It had been raining all day. Really pouring down and I was wet from head to toe. My trainers were wet. After Francis had buzzed me in, I slipped on the tiles. I landed face down on his doormat, with soup and rice and curry spilling everywhere. Some hot soup had burned my hand and I was so pissed off that I started to cry. That was the moment Francis appeared. He was very nice about it though, he helped me up. He helped me clean up the mess as well. He asked me to come in and made me tea. He gave me ice cubes for my hand and plasters. He told me about a friend's friend who worked at Rainbow and that they might be hiring new staff. That's how I got to met Raoul in the end. My former boyfriend Mark, he ran Rainbow, Raoul explained. Yes. Well, Francis also gave me the number of a friend who was looking for a flat mate. That was me, Kevin grinned. That was you, Stefan nodded. That's how it all started. What was my first impression of Francis? Ehm, that's hard to say really. I liked him. That he was so polite and kind. Very guarded. He didn't say much about him or his life, he just let me talk. He listened. It wasn't love at first sight. It took me ages to figure out I'd fallen in love with him. But that's all history. Now I've got Raoul. After Stefan had finished speaking, a sudden silence fell over the group. I took the time to reshuffle my notes and to observe the group of unlikely companions a little closer. I couldn't help but feeling that despite of all the banter and the teasing some strong bonds had developed between all of them. Not just love and friendship but some kind of deep understanding that went beyond words. When I felt that an sufficient amount of time had

passed, I cleared my throat and caught Raoul's eye. He smiled and nodded ever so slightly. Thank you so far. You've managed to survive all the personal questions aimed at specific people. There was some laughter and some mild chuckles. Now we come to the questions that were aimed at all of you. And finally the Smash-Hits-type questions. Everybody can answer, nobody has to. Is that alright with you? First Phoenix wants to know: What's the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you? I thought that one fits very nicely as Valentines Day is just around the corner. Any volunteers? That's easy, Stefan smiled. He was bubbling over with excitement, so much so that he was bouncing off his seat. He then turned to face Raoul. I can tell them, can't I? Raoul looked puzzled and shrugged his shoulders. As long as you're not going to spill the beans about my deep dark secrets, tell them whatever you want. Kevin burst out laughing. Oh, you're just sayin' that 'cos you're afraid nobody will buy your bloody biography when the kid gets talking! Autobiography, Callum mumbled. What? Kevin asked. I said: Autobiography, Callum repeated. When he writes it himself it's called an autobiography, it's only a biography when someone else writes it about you. Whatever, Kevin shrugged his shoulder. Go ahead kiddo. Okay... Well, the most romantic thing that anyone's ever done to me was what Raoul did when we first got together. He somehow... smuggled both of us into the Royal Albert Hall. In the middle of the night, when everything was locked up. It was Christmas Eve, no less! Oh that, Raoul actually blushed a little. That was pretty much like in some kind of rom com, wasn't it? Don't listen to him, Stefan went on. It was beautiful. So he took me up to the stage, switched a single spotlight on and made me stand by the edge of the stage. And then... then he played my favorite songs of his. Just for me. Only him and his old guitar. Which song was that? I asked. Bedsitter Christmas, Raoul said. And afterwards we kissed in the spotlight. It was divine! It was, Stefan said in a dreamy voice. Oh shut it, Kevin interrupted. Before I have to throw up from all that sweetness. Don't know about romantic, but when you, he pointed at Raoul, made us go all the way to Paris by taxis and Euro Star, that was pretty cool. You did? Stefan asked, clearly taken aback. Raoul signed. Yeah. After a handful of pills and a night out dancing it must've sounded like a good idea. He laughed softly. God, the things I did... Do you want to answer the question, too? Raoul? Callum? Callum frowned and licked his lips. I'm not exactly an expert in relationships or romance but I guess the most romantic thing were the letter I got from Michael. Michael was a British soldier during the second world war. We met in London before I was dispatched back to the front-line.

You served during the second world war? Raoul asked. Well yes. Actually I served during both World Wars. Vampires were in high demands in the armies in those days. Having the reputation of being virtually indestructible and all that. But I was going to tell you about the letters. Michael wrote them while he was in the trenches and later injured in some make-shift hospital in France. He and I... It seemed to be a perfect match. He was half fay, so he understood about drifting through time and losing people who were once dear to you. He was very sweet. Fairly tall and slender with strawberry blond hair and Well, I loved him dearly. And he was a poet of sorts. He wrote the most beautiful letters you've ever read. What happened to him? I asked. Callum fixed me with his eyes. His face had gone all expressionless like a mask. He died. Killed in an ambush. German were-creatures against the magical infantry of the the allied forced. It was ugly. I had no idea, Raoul mumbled and placed a hand on Callum's shoulder. I'm so sorry. It's okay, it was a long time ago. What was the romantic thing someone ever did for you, Raoul? Hmm... Don't know. The first Christmas I spent with Nicolas after I was released from the loony bin. We didn't have much, the flat was a devil to keep warm. It was draughty and we didn't have any money. But Nicky, he decorated the flat with paper stars and little baubles he made from tin foil. He bought cheap wine and made some punch and he put on old scratchy vinyl records. Christmas songs by childrens choirs and The Rat Pack and all that. It was cosy and cute. He laughed. And we got very, very drunk. Okay, so the next question, also from Phoenix is what is the most romantic thing that you have done for someone else? Raoul laughed again. Lucky me! Stefan's already answered that one for me. Idiot! Stefan poked his tongue out at Raoul. Oh dear, what a question. It's hard to say that kind of thing about yourself, isn't it? When Francis and I first got together, he was doing promotion abroad just before Christmas. Then all the flights got canceled and he was stuck in Brussels. The ferries didn't go either. He's claustrophobic and would never consider travel through the Euro Tunnel so I took the train from Waterloo Station and went over there. I took all the presents with me. And a little Christmas tree was well, all decked out with tinsel and stuff. That really is quite a romantic thing to do, Raoul said. I'd say the most romantic thing you did was tell me you loved me for the first time when we kissed in the rain that Christmas Eve. Oh Jesus fucking Christ, Kevin protested. Shut up or else I'm really gonna be sick. Before you ask, I don't do romance. Fair enough, I said. What about you, Callum? Me? Apart from the occasional candle-light dinner or late night poetry recital, I can't think of anything, I'm afraid. Now Aubrey asks: Favourite guilty pleasure? Could be food, music, anything - anything that is wrong but it is so right when you want it. Cock, Kevin blurted out even before I finished speaking. Raoul and Stefan laughed and Callum just rolled his eyes. Not sayin' there's anything wrong with wanting it but y'know? It's the best thing ever, no matter if you got it in your mouth or up your...

Kev! Stefan cautioned, mortified. Shut up, they're going to print that stuff, you know? And? Let 'em! That one I can answer, Callum surprisingly said. Getting to drink the blood of someone I love. It's the most potent drug and the sweetest thing on earth at the same time. Raoul threw him look but said nothing. Strawberry jam on a cheese toast, Stefan went on. You got to be kidding me, Kevin exclaimed. That's disgusting. No, it's not! It's really nice. Raoul chuckled and muttered something that sounded like: Germans! I'd have to say: Fish 'n' Chips. It's so unhealthy. All the fat. But it's so good. Especially when you go to one of those little seaside towns. To one of those greasy Fish 'n Chip shops only the locals go to, they do the best cods and mushy peas. Right. That leads us to the grand finish. Gentlemen, the Smash-Hits-type questions! Everybody but Callum clapped and Kevin did some wolf-whistles. They've all been sent in by Jordan. First one is: If you were married to Freddie Mercury, would you let him keep the moustache? Hell, yes, Raoul answered at once. That was part of his appeal, wasn't it? The old-school clone look? He was great, Freddie. Shame he's gone. He was one of a kind. It was a real sad day when he died. I actually cried. For years afterwards I couldn't listen to The Show must go on without getting all teary-eyed and maudlin. Yeah, he could keep the 'tache, Kevin agreed. With all the money he had, I'd not complain about that bit of facial hair. No, Stefan said. I can't stand beards. I'd nag him as long as it would take for him to shave it off. Or I'd offer him a a full body shave. But I don't think I'd gotten married to Freddy in the first place. He's..., he was too macho. Callum just arched an eyebrow. Who was Freddy Mercury? After much laughter and a brief explanation it was decided that I should go on with the question. A notion I happily compiled with. Can you think of a good poem about Wet Wet Wet? Oh fuck, they were horrible, weren't they? Kevin spoke first. That bloke, the singer, he did that phoney winking thing at the camera like all the bloody time. Made me want to punch him in the face. So it has to be: Wet Wet Wet are bad, bad, bad. How about: Wet Wet Wet, is what you get, when you're out in the rain, which is no gain, 'cause you'll get sick, and that's no trick, and no-one's fault, but Wet Wet Wet's? Raoul suggested with a naughty smirk. Stefan and Kevin laughed so hard they had tears running down their cheeks. Callum only shrugged his shoulders and waved me on to the next question. What colour is January?

Are they trying to find out if we're synaesthetic? Callum asked. I'm not but I can tell you that in Magical Theory January is associated with white, silver and light grey. I can agree on grey, Stefan nodded. January's always kind of suck, don't they? Yeah, the weather's awful, Kevin agreed. And the Christmas sales are over as well. Have you ever thought you were a bus stop? Raoul roared with laughter. I bet Kay has. Haven't you, Kay? Why's that? Kevin shot back. 'cos there guys queuing to get into my pants? No, Stefan and Callum answered in unison while Raoul was still giggling so I moved on to the next question. This is the last question for today, gentlemen. It reads like this: Do you empty your own hoover bag? What kind of question is that? Callum shook his head. I don't but only because those modern household appliances irritate me. I have a cleaner coming to my place twice a week. I do, Stefan said. But Raoul's got a cleaning lady as well. Hell, do I look like I hoover? Kevin winked at me. I guess not. That was all for today. Thank you very much for taking the time and for being so candid. It was a pleasure meeting you all. It really was. It was with a warm glow in my heart that I stepped out of Tate Modern back into the winter's chill.