New Moon: Edward’s POV

I hold no rights to anything. Based on “New Moon” by Stephenie

Meyer
Chapter 5: Pretend
As we ran to Denali, all I could think of was Bella. Remembering
how she used to cling to me when I ran with her on my back, just
for the pure enjoyment. Running would never be the same again.
Feeling the warmth of her body against my back, feeling her
breath against my neck sending tingles all over my body, hearing
her sweet giggles in my ear……… I hope we get there soon
because any longer and I may not make it. I may collapse as I did
two months ago in the unknown forest after……...I can’t even
think the words. How am I going to be able to mask this pain
around them? And….most importantly……how am I going to
explain this to Jasper? No matter how I may hide my feelings from
my family, Jasper will be able to feel this searing pain flowing like
waves of fire off of me. I would just have to have a talk with Jasper
when I got to the house. Surely I would be able to confide in him
to keep the details of my pain just between us. He didn’t like
keeping things from Alice, but once he feels my pain, he’ll
understand the need to keep it between us. Even secondhand,
this kind of pain will definitely knock him back on his heels.
Before we got there, though, I also knew that I had to prepare
myself for everyone’s thoughts. Not only my immediate family, as
if theirs weren’t enough, but also Tanya’s, Irina’s and Kate’s.
Tanya’s especially. I haven’t been back here since I first met Bella
and I fled here to get away from her. Or her scent, rather. I
should’ve just stayed here then. Maybe none of this would ever
have happened. Of course, I still would have been thinking about
her. Even back then, before I even really knew Bella, when I would
close my eyes, all I would see was her face. But, unlike now, her
face behind my lids always held a bewildered expression. But
now, after I have had the chance to know that magnificent
creature, to earn her smiles and be rewarded with the look that
always came into her eyes when she looked at me. The look of
complete trust and devoted love, that vision of her bewildered
expression disappeared and was replaced with a happier, lovelier
Bella. But even if I had never have come back to Forks, to ease
my pride and my ego, if I’m being honest, I would have been
utterly content to live out the rest of my existence watching that
bewildered expression behind my lids, fighting the curiosity of her
silent mind. Any vision of Bella was to be treasured, adored.
We were close to Tanya’s house. I started to slow down. Alice
looked at me and did the same. ‘What is it, Edward?’ Alice asked
with her thoughts. I looked down and shook my head, “I can’t
promise you anything, Alice. I can’t promise that I’m going to stay
here with you guys.” I told her, suddenly regretting my decision to
come here in the first place. What was I thinking? This is not going
to work, being with them. I need to be alone. I deserve to be
alone. I can’t be the Edward they need me to be. That Edward
doesn’t exist anymore. Not without …….Bella. It hurts to even
think her name.
“I know that Edward. I already told you; just give it a try, to please
Esme. If you can’t stay with us, we all would understand that. We
just want to try to help however we can. We can’t even imagine
what you’re going through. We won’t object to anything you
decide to do,” she said. ‘It’s not like any objection on our part
would work anyway, we objected to leaving Forks, and now look
where we are.’ Alice thought, and I winced. She looked at me and
the expression on my face was like someone had just shot a knife
through me. “Sorry. I haven’t had to think twice about what goes
through my mind for a couple of months now. I’m sorry. I know
that’s not making this better for you. I’ll try to watch my
thoughts.” She said, apologetically.
“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. You don’t have to apologize,
Alice. I don’t think anything could make me feel any worse than I
already feel about my decision.” My voice was expressionless,
dead.
“I’m supposed to be trying to make you feel better. I’m not doing
a very good job.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a worthless effort anyway.”
She started to say something else, but I cut her off with my hand.
I didn’t want to hear anymore apologies. I just wanted to get this
over with so I could find somewhere to go alone to wallow.
We walked through the double doors to the house and were
greeted by everyone. Everyone came one by one to hug me like
they do the mother of a deceased person at a funeral. Well, I
guess it did kind of fit the occasion. I felt like I had died all over
again anyway. But I don’t deserve anyone’s pity or sadness. I
could tell that they were all trying to control their thoughts around
me. Well, not all of them. Only Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, and
Alice. They were all thinking of random things. Rosalie was
thinking of her BMW, Emmett was reciting the rosters of every
sports team he could think of, Carlisle was thinking about every
disease known to man, and Alice had started to recite the Catholic
bible. Jasper and Esme, on the other hand, weren’t trying to hide
their thoughts from me.
‘Edward!! I’m so glad you came. I was so worried about you. Are
you okay? Well, no, I know you’re not okay. I’m just so glad you’re
back. We’re going to help you through this son. You know I’m
here if you need me....whatever you need. ‘ Esme thought, as she
hugged me again. Tight enough to cut off air flow, if I needed it.
Which I don’t because I’m not human. I can never be human……..I
need to get out of here. I can’t hold myself together. It’s only a
matter of time before I breakdown again, and I don’t want to do it
in front of Esme. But there was still one more thing I needed to do
before I made my escape, but before I could even turn to face
him, his thoughts had already invaded my mind…
‘Whoa, Edward….I just….I don’t…I wish there was something I
could do……this is awful…….I’m so sorry…I never knew anyone
could feel this much pain. This much torture…Edward…..’ he
could’ve went on and on but I had to cut him off. I didn’t need him
to reiterate what I was feeling. I was feeling them.
“Uh, Jasper can I speak to you alone for a minute please?” I said,
interrupting him. I just needed to get this over with.
“Sure….” He said. He followed me out to the back garage. Unsure
of what I would wanted to talk to him about. My brother and I
were close, but I hardly ever went to him for advice. Not because I
didn’t trust his advice. How could I not, he was almost as old as
Carlisle, but because I usually always got my answers to the
tough questions from Carlisle and the answers to the other
inconsequential things from Emmett. Once we got to where the
others couldn’t hear our conversation, I turned slowly to face him.
“Jasper, I need to ask you for a favor, if you don’t mind?” I asked
him.
“Sure, anything Edward.” He said. Surprised at the sound of my
voice. It didn’t sound like me at all.
“I need you to keep what you know about the pain that I am going
through to yourself. Please. I can’t stand it if they have to worry
more than they already are. I’m going to try my best,” and not
succeed, I thought wryly, “ and not let them see how much pain
I’m really going through. You’re the only one who knows how
much pain that actually is. Please, don’t tell Alice. Can you do that
for me?” I asked. I felt exhausted from having to play ‘happy’
already. I was using so much energy to hold myself together that
it was starting to take a toll on me and I needed to get away from
here.
“Of course, Edward, but we’re here to help. You don’t have to
pretend to be okay. We all know this is a very bad time for you.”

“I know, I just think it’s better this way.” I said simply.

“Okay..” he said, sensing that I was anxious to go.
“Thanks, Jasper. I’ll owe you one.”
“No, just call it even.” He said. He was still blaming all of what
happened on himself. I would’ve acknowledged that but I didn’t
really feel like getting into it. Not right now.
“Tell the others that I’m going hunting. I’ll be back later”
“Want some company? I’m sure Emmett and Carlisle need to hunt
too.”
“No, I just want to be alone”
“I understand” he said. Then he turned and walked away. Before
he was even out of the garage, I was already running as fast as I
can, anxious to get away.
I found a patch of woods somewhere in the Denali National Park
Wilderness that looked perfect enough for sulking. I feel like a
drug addict who needs a fix. I haven’t had time to even close my
eyes to see…her…face. I was anxious for it. I found a spot that
was off of any trail and I lay down and closed my eyes………..ah….
there she is. My Bella. I sighed. Those eyes….her blush…those…
….lips. This is the only thing that will compel me to continue to
exist. Seeing her face in my mind. Knowing that somewhere in
this world, she exists. My soul mate. My match. And although, my
addiction was satisfied for the moment, I still couldn’t stop the
sobs from breaking out of my chest at this moment. I miss her so
very much. I know I really need to hunt, but I just can’t bring
myself to move. Not now.
I just lay there, shaking uncontrollably from my sobs, thinking of
her. My love. My life. My…….Bella. Wondering how I could have
made a bigger mess of things. How I could have hurt her worse
that I have. How, as much as I tried to protect her from everything
that was ever a harm to her, the thing she needed protection
from, confirming my worst fears, was me and my family.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. Is she happy? It’s been a
little over two months since I left Forks. Surely she would be
better by now. I sometimes envy the way humans can change so
rapidly, physically and emotionally. How quickly and easily they
get pass things. However, even though I envy that fact, I would
rather suffer this pain for the rest of my existence as long as I am
able think about her and love her than to simply be able to forget
about her. Just thinking about forgetting her is painful enough.
How could I possibly forget about such a creature? I hope she is
safe. Without us she would surely be. That is most important. But
the selfish part of me wishes she was thinking about me. Longing
for me as I am for her. Picturing my face in her mind. But I can’t
want such things. Because thinking of me and wanting me is not
good for her. She must move on and be happy and…….and…….
find someone else. And as those words flooded my mind, the
broken sobs got worse. It’s unbearable to think of someone else
earning her smiles, making her blush, being given permission to
touch her soft, warm, skin. And, worst of all, someone else kissing
her. AHHHHH!!!, I screamed in my head. But this has to happen.
She has to be with someone that can make her happy. She
deserves it. More than anyone else in this world deserves it.
Human or other.
I noticed the sun rising. I had been out here all day and night. I
completely lost track of time altogether. I need to get back before
Alice comes to find me. This is hard already. Being with them.
Having to pretend that I’m trying to get better, when that’s the
farthest from the truth. I got up off of the ground and headed
back.
When I got back to the house, it was quiet. I heard nothing. Which
only meant one thing, they were hiding their thoughts. This is
going to be worse than I thought. I walked in, and sure enough
they were all there, sitting around, doing nothing in particular. But
I still heard nothing. I just shook my head.
“Where are the sisters?” I asked. Just realizing that I had not seen
them since I’ve been here.
“Their away visiting old friends.” Carlisle answered.
“Oh” was all I said in return.
“I thought you went hunting?” Emmett asked. Damn, I forgot
about that. My eyes are jet black.
“I wasn’t thirsty anymore” I said, hoping he would let it go. He
did.
But as I looked at them, the irritation of their silent thoughts
disappeared and something else took its place. What was this
feeling? I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before. I looked at them again
and it hit me. It was envy. I’ve never felt that around my family
before. But I understood exactly where it came from. They were
three completely devoted and happy couples. Sitting together,
enjoying each other’s company. Carlisle and Esme were reading
together while Esme lay in his lap. Alice and Jasper were just
staring into each other’s eyes, having one of the private
conversations that they had. And Emmett and Rosalie were
playing a video game laughing and teasing each other. This was
definitely new to me. Before Bella, when I was alone, their
relationships never affected me. Maybe because I hadn’t known
what being in a relationship was all about. I didn’t think I needed
to have that. Butnow, after Bella, after losing her, the sight
almost knocked me to my knees. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. I
can’t be around this every day. I have to leave.
As soon as I thought about leaving, Alice’s head snapped up and I
saw what she saw. She saw me leaving. But she couldn’t see
where I was going.
“I have to go,” I blurted out before I knew it. Before Alice could
say something.
“But, why? You just got here.” Esme pleaded. I hated to hurt her. I
only came here for her. But I’ll hurt her worse if I stay and she has
to see me suffer.
“I just need to be alone right now, Esme, that’s all.” If she knew
why I just decided to leave, it would hurt her and she would try to
do whatever she could to make me stay. They all would. Which
would mean that they would try their best to keep their distance
from each other. To never touch in my presence, and that would
also be unbearable to watch.
“Please, Edward. Just think about staying. We want to try to help
you. We could help each other. We all lost her.” She said, but their
loss was in no comparison to mine. “I know it doesn’t compare to
how you feel,” she continued, echoing my thoughts, “But we
loved her too.”
“I can’t, Esme, I just….. can’t. I’ll keep in touch, I promised.” I told
her. Nobody else said anything aloud. Carlisle was to only one
who finally unguarded his thoughts before I left.
“It’ll be ok, son, call us when you can. Do what you have to do to
try to get better.’ Carlisle thought. I nodded at him, thankful for
his understanding. I turned to look at them one last time before I
left. On my own. For the first time since I came back to Carlisle,
after my rebelliousness. Where was I going to go? What was I
going to do? I walked out of the door, not knowing when I would
see my family again. Or if I would.
I just ran, back to my spot from earlier today. I was aching to ‘see’
Bella, again. Now uninterrupted. Alice wouldn’t come looking for
me. She promised if I left again, giving them their proper
goodbyes, then they would let me go. And not follow me. Or try to
find me.
I lay down and closed my eyes, as I had before. And there she
was……….
As beautiful and perfect as ever. Why did God allow so much to
hurt her? Or to try to hurt her? Well, she should be safe from
vampires. No one of my kind knows about her. Except for Laurent,
and he was trying his hand at the vegetarian diet. Besides, he
never wanted to hurt Bella anyway. It was only James and Victoria.
I growled involuntarily at the names. James surely got what he
deserved. But…..Victoria is still out there…….Somewhere. How do
I know that she won’t come back for Bella? Try to hurt her….while
I’m not there to protect her. Well, I would make sure that doesn’t
happen. I would put all my energy into making sure she doesn’t
get anywhere near Bella.
I took one long last look at her beautiful face. Satisfying this
craving I had to picture her behind closed eyes for as long as I
could. Savoring every inch of her face. Picturing her eyes. Her
deep, brown eyes. Now I had a mission. An obligation. Well, Bella,
I thought to myself, you always said I was good at everything.
Let’s see how good I can be at tracking………

PLEASE COMMENT!!! FOR SOME REASON, I UPDATE

FASTER, WHEN I GET LOTS OF COMMENTS. THEY ARE
REALLY APPRECIATED. GOOD OR BAD. TELL ME WHAT YOU
THINK. IS THE STORY GOOD SO FAR? I’LL BE WAITING TO
HEAR FROM YOU!!!