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Untitled Enuh Iglesias Its easier to leave things behind when youre younger - break appointments, break hearts, walk away, do something different, explore and experiment. Paradoxically, its just as easy to make decisions that have a permanence to them in the flush of youth, even when all seems temporary. She was saying something about looking for a new place to live. Rey stared at her blankly. Then he remembered. Five seconds ago, She told him her period had not come and she was afraid that she was pregnant. His mind wandered again and he remembered the first time he saw her. He was in his second year of law school while she was a college sophomore. She was boarding in a cramped apartment across his. She was attractive, dusky and slender. She wore her school uniform with pride. Rey would watch her walking home alone, he noted, always at 6 pm, balancing books close to her breast. To him, she seemed very mysterious and very wise, even though she was four years younger. There was a way about her that suggested she held lifes meaning within her, and that she went through life in a linear fashion, with little inclination or compulsion to question everything within and without her. Rey wanted her self-reliance, her self-assuredness and her inner strength. Through some discreet inquiries, he learned that she was an Education major in PNU. He used this bit of information casually passed on to him by his landlady and imagined what she was like even before he gathered the courage to talk to her. Imagining conversations with her helped him greatly in approaching her. By the time he opened his mouth to speak, he was speaking to her with ease, as though their first conversation was a continuation of many conversations in the past. I am excited about teaching Social Studies, She said to him in her low, warm voice. It sounds silly, I know, especially to someone like you, but Ive always wanted to teach for as long as I could remember. Its not silly to me at all. Why do you want to teach Social Studies? Rey smiled, marveling at the newness of her voice. Her excitement was contagious. Rey could not imagine why Social Studies would be exciting at all. In fact, it evoked memories of his ancient high school teacher who made the subject far from interesting and merely droned on and on about the Philippine revolution, the land bridges and the Malolos republic. Seeing how it made her smile and her eyes shine made her even more alluring to him. History fascinates me. You can say that sometimes I feel like I lived in another time. At that moment, Rey felt he understood better than anyone else. It made sense with the rest of what he imagined about her - the serenity, the self-reliance, the self-assuredness of an old soul. Rey barely studied that night. He replayed their conversation over and over in his head, hunched over before his books. Living in such cramped quarters made it difficult for him to study, and Myras presence made him even more restless and ill at ease. He had difficulty

concentrating on the codal in front of him, a small, pocket-sized book - the Bible as Tony liked to refer to it. Whenever he tried to make marginal notes on his codal, his elbow would constantly brush against the pile of papers on his right. He jerked his arm impatiently, and the papers fell to the floor. In describing to Myra what studying the law was like, he made her laugh by comparing it to drinking. I drink beer but I love hard drinks like gin and tanduay, he said. My codal is my tanduay. Everything else is pulutan. Myra laughed easily and freely around him. She was undoubtedly impressed that he was a law student. She asked him one question after another. What are your teachers like? Who are your classmates? Is it really true that the most difficult teachers are the ones who teach law? What are your plans after you take the Bar? What is a courtroom like? In answering her questions, he exhibited some of his confidence that allowed him to make sharp pronouncements and long-winded explanations about law school, how difficult the law was and Myra told him admiringly how knowledgeable he was compared to her His intense attraction to Myra made him suspicious about his feelings for her. He did not know then whether he was in love with her, or whether he simply needed an emotional, physical and sexual outlet to help him cope with the pressures of school. Her unabashed admiration made him feel good about himself, something he had not experienced since he began his legal studies. He wondered if perhaps, he perceived Myra as a quick and dirty solution to his loneliness and growing self-loathing. His drive to excel in his studies at an early age made him oblivious to women. He thought relationships were a waste of time. While his friends spent their time and money on courting and later on, maintaining their relationships, he was holed up in his room, studying. His buddies on-and-off relationships with the girls in the town made him resent them at times. They were never around when he wanted to take a study break and play basketball, but they pestered him to go out when their relationships were in trouble. The only girl he took interest in was Gina, his beautiful but unavailable classmate in college. He was already in his third year then, and she was a freshman. His friends had been ribbing him for years that he needed a girlfriend to loosen up. His relatives fussed over him as well, and offered to matchmake him with girls in the province. Gina was a different matter. She was quiet, very unassuming in her ways and like him, seemed to be more interested in books than the attention of her male admirers. He was surprised to see her in the library as often as he was, and noticed her dedication to her subjects. He tentatively made attempts to befriend her, and soon they spent afternoons studying together. Gina appreciated his discipline for his studies, a sharp contrast to his happy-go-lucky, bingeing friends. Rey was happy he found a balance between love and his studies. She would not distract him with petty fights and trivial concerns - their discipline and determination to achieve their respective goals made spending time together productive and meaningful. Rey fell in love with her slowly but surely, understanding at last his friends. It took him a year before formally asking her to be his girlfriend.

Their one year relationship was blissful, until, after graduation, over dinner, he excitedly told her about his plans to study law in Manila and that he was accepted to one of the best law schools there. Gina was shocked and hurt that he never made his plans known to her until it was practically time for him to leave. He assured her of his loyalty and fidelity, but to her, the betrayal had already begun. In a tearful, rain-soaked farewell, Gina ran out of the restaurant where they had their last dinner together and out of his life. It was too late for him to abandon his plans and with a heavy heart he left Iloilo and went to Manila. He called her at home nearly everyday, but he was turned away by her siblings, and finally, by her father, who told him curtly that Gina did not want to speak to him. He resorted to writing her letters, pretending that all was right between them. Dear Gina, he wrote. I have so much to tell you. Manila is frighteningly lonely. I wish you were here with me. Why dont you apply for a masters degree or join me in law school? That way, well be together... Rey always felt too probinsyano among his classmates, and didnt really know how to talk to them. Rey often mentally berated himself for his stilted English, and the involuntary stutter that crept into his words whenever he was confronted with a question that wasnt in his books or readings. He was afraid his classmates laughed at him behind his back. He knew they tried to be friendly to him - they always invited him to impromptu dinners and drinking sessions. In the early months of the first semester, he joined them a few times, but listening to their concerns about school, women or family made him feel self-conscious. He was also acutely aware that his limited funds and time for studying were being unnecessarily strained by their small get-togethers. He ended up being awkward and morose. He hardly volunteered information about himself and often sat quietly while the rest of the group became rowdy and the discussion more spirited, paid his share even though the guys shooed away his fistful of crumpled bills, and turned down offers of a free ride home. He kept his loneliness at bay, however, whenever he called home. He limited himself to talking about school concerns to his parents who were worried about him, especially his father. In the early days of gestation in law school, it was unusual for one to avoid his or her classmates. The rarefied environment required complicity and cooperation among everybody because of the sheer academic load on a day-to-day basis that no individual could take on by himself or herself. The early months of adjustment to the new environment were often idyllic yet paradoxically dangerous. Personalities and study habits were still observed, ones true nature would only be revealed over time. Lines were still being drawn and roles were still being negotiated - who would lead the class, who were the brilliant ones, who were unreliable and who were difficult to deal with. Rey was hardly aware of the intricacies of class dynamics and its internal politics. As far as he was concerned, all he needed to do was to read his assignments and submit his case digests to the class pool.

His studies, which had always been his safety zone, became increasingly difficult. Despite his best efforts, he was never diligent or prepared enough for class. His lackluster performance embarrassed him; he studied harder than any of his classmates, but his diligence never translated into memorable recitations or the top scores on tests. His self-confidence was ebbing away. He badly needed to talk to Gina. He needed her forgiveness and approval of his decision. He needed her to assure him that he was just as intelligent as his classmates and that he could and would excel anywhere, in any field. When his letters remained unanswered after a month, he stopped writing. He wanted to hate her for making him reveal so much in his letters, for dismissing his pain, but hate was time-consuming and he had so many books and cases to read. When he met Myra and their mutual attraction took its inevitable course, he was intensely afraid to tell her how lonely he was. He could not even bring himself to talk to her about Gina. He couldnt tell her that he found it difficult to relate to his born and bred city peers, whose experiences and concerns were markedly different from his. It was too late when he realized it was difficult to study alone, and having a study group would have made studying more efficient. He could not find a group that suited his personality and temperament, and after his initial efforts to bond, he simply stopped trying early on. Gradually, he weaned himself away from the boys, as they were referred to by their female classmates. He turned down offers to play some billiards or have some beer after exams, vaguely mentioning a relative visiting from the province or a subject to study for. He seemed standoffish and aloof, and the guys interpreted his aloofness to mean lack of interest in their company - worse, a sense of superiority over them and an implied refusal to cooperate. As time wore on, the amorphous class became differentiated into different social groupings or cliques - the academic achievers, the outgoing, ambitious political animals, the happygo-lucky ones, the fratmen, the sorority girls and the independent individuals who either blended with all the groups or preferred to be alone. With the lines comfortably drawn and members of the class gravitating toward their preferred groups, the class settled into its own rhythm and routine. Were having a beer at so-and-so after Insurance class, they said to him in forced casual tones, implying that he would, as expected, say no. Oh, I already made plans with my girlfriend, he offered as a convenient excuse, even when he didnt have a girlfriend at the time. Oh, thats too bad, maybe next time, then, they would answer a little quickly, a smile of collective relief ending the conversation. His only friend was Tony, self-proclaimed champion of the Tondo slums, and even his friendship with Tony grew out of convenience. Tony was welcome at all the different groups in class but he also preferred to belong to none. He wore his poverty like a badge, exoticizing it for his more affluent and sheltered peers. He embellished his stories about how dangerous and exciting Tondo was; Rey simply kept quiet and never contradicted him, even though they were boarding in the same apartment, ate in the same places and went home down the same road. Tony included him often in his outlandish stories of drugs, sex and murder. You tell them, Rey. Tony would say energetically, sometimes almost

pleadingly, and Rey would shrug. Sometimes Rey felt guilty about not being more participative in Tonys semi-fictional world. He liked having the spotlight to himself and Rey was the perfect sidekick, the straight man to his comedy routine. Tony was also persistent in winning Rey as a friend, who was by reputation, difficult to befriend, perpetuating the mystique of his charisma and winning personality to the class. Tony talked so much about himself and his exploits, he hardly noticed that conversations were often one-sided. The arrangement suited Rey well. On occasion, he resented Tonys easy charm and gumption. He tried studying with him, but Tonys antics proved to be too much of a distraction. With significantly less effort put into studying, Tony never seemed unprepared for class, nor was he unruffled by even the most terror of professors. He was always confident in his answers during recitation, always stood straight and tall, and never shifted his weight or revealed any gestures that indicated nervousness to his professors or classmates. He and Tony never talked about serious things. Rey was also afraid of confiding in him, out of fear Tony would start discussing him with their classmates behind his back. Soon, Tony would find out about Myra, he sighed. And everyone else will. He completely lost track of what Myra was saying. Her mouth formed words that were difficult to read for some reason; he couldnt help drifting in and out of their conversation. Do you want to get married? He heard himself saying. He wasnt even sure if what he said was remotely connected to what she was said just then. Out of sorts, he realized he was behaving like a person she would grow to hate. It is the proper thing to do, isnt it? She answered, in her low and warm voice. She toyed with the table napkin in front of her. Yes, it is. Rey fell silent. What will we do now, he almost said out loud. Rey thought about all the times they made love in the past few months. When was I most careless, he wondered. He remembered Albert, a classmate of his who dropped out of law school in his first year because he got his girlfriend pregnant. Albert was doing very well in school He was in the top 3 of his batch, recruited to the most prominent fraternity which he was still thinking about joining, and applied for an internship in one of the big firms that summer. One day, he stopped coming to class. A few weeks later, he reappeared, a leave of absence form in one hand, and invitations for his wedding in the other. Sayang, his classmates gossiped among themselves, he had a lot going for him. Rey attended his wedding, listening to his classmates gossip about finals week and their summer plans. He was more interested in watching Alfred and his wife who was a few months pregnant by then. He wanted to know if they were happy. After the wedding, he avoided making love with Myra. The possibility of pregnancy was too dangerous, too close to him for him. She noticed his seeming lack of interest and in a tearful confrontation, asked him if he had begun seeing someone else. Rey realized his

own logic was flawed and foolish, and he didnt want to tell her about Alfred, how afraid he was of the same fate. The inevitability of sex soon made him forget, and the reliability of her monthly period reassured him that life carried on smoothly without a hitch. Rey broke the silence. Im sorry. I dont know what to say, really, he said. I just have a lot on my mind. I have midterms two days from now and Im trying to process everything you said. She nodded several times. Rey waited for her to say something, anything - to blame him for for his carelessness, for the situation they were in, but she didnt say anything more. They fell silent. She signaled the waiter to bring the check. Her disappointment in him was almost palpable. He knew he ought to say something to assure her of his love and fidelity, that they would find a way, as people in love are expected to do, but he only managed a faint smile. Walking home together after the prolonged silence of the commute, he tried to compensate by embracing and kissing her passionately, but it was too late. She pushed him away. At the door of her apartment, she kissed him quickly on the cheek and said goodnight. Rey crossed the street and lingered outside his apartment. He searched his bag for a halfempty pack of cigarettes and lit one. He was startled out of his reverie by a stray cat that knocked over a trash can, scrounging for scraps. He hated the suddenness of the sound of empty beer bottles knocking into each other and plastic wrappers crackling while the cat pawed through the refuse. He threw his cigarette away and kicked the cat with uncharacteristic viciousness. The cat hissed at him and scampered away. ***** Back in his room, he groped for a pen and clean paper. He rummaged through his bag for the sample exams he photocopied and selected the compilation for his Negotiable Instruments subject. Pen in hand, he read the first question. Ms. Leny Dimabayaran maintained a checking account with XY bank. She entrusted her checkbook to her maid. Her neighbor Mr. Dimapacali visited her house while she was away, and stole her checkbook. He forged her signature and encashed P50,000 from another branch of XY bank. Mr. Dimapacali was able to encash the check when Mrs. Dimacaisip, a friend of Leny, guaranteed due execution, saying that she was a holder in due course. Can Ms. Dimabayaran recover the money from the bank? Keep your answer short and straight to the point. He began writing. Ms. X was not aware, nor was she negligent in entrusting her checkbook to her maid. Her checkbook was stolen right under her nose by Mr. Y, her presumably trusted neighbor. The maid, similarly, had no involvement in Mr. Ys

subsequent acts. Mr. Ys act of forgery is one contemplated by the Negotiable Instruments Law, wherein ... He crossed out the first few lines. He did exactly what he was warned against by his professors when answering the exam questions - he rambled and made his answer seem indecisive and convoluted. Crossing out the first few lines made the answer sheet dirty. He felt sluggish. He could not visualize the problem and make sense of the arbitrary identities assigned to Mr. X and Ms. Y. Their concerns about blank checks and incomplete indorsements were irrelevant to him. Rey felt betrayed. He realized that Myra subjected him to a test - one of those secret, irrational tests women use on men to gauge their loyalty and love. It was a set-up men were designed to fail, and he failed miserably. Why couldnt she have waited until after his examinations to tell him? She would be no less pregnant if she had waited a week. She wanted him to choose between her and his studies. She wanted him to tell her, without reservations, that he would always choose her over everything else, no matter what. After a few minutes, he crumpled the paper he was writing on and threw it into the wastebasket. He took out a fresh piece of paper and began writing. I sit very quietly in class. I hardly talk to anyone except one of my classmates. I go the library. Then home. Once in a while, someone would smile at me - a classmate, the school guard, the librarian - as though to reassure me that they are aware of my daily presence and my existence is intact. Once in a while I smile back. But no sooner than I smile, it fades, and I feel the pretense falling away. Do you know how it feels to be disconnected? Its difficult to demonstrate, but you know these things. Alienation doesnt need to make an announcement. It is simply there. Just as I stand at bus stops watching a procession of vehicles speed past, almost angrily when they do. Sometimes it feels as though their drivers were beating on the steering wheel with large, inutile fists. It can be a filthy child, stomach distended by worms, imploring me to show some compassion, some humanity through an act of kindness, but I have no money as well. I can walk past them as though they were invisible, and easily turn them away, even when theyre clawing at me for coins and curses. I feel nothing. It can be a wall, layer upon layer of brick and stone and human frailty; it can be an airless room swallowing you up, immobilizing you. And there are days staring at you wide open, and you repeat your name to yourself like a useless tautology, your hands gripping whatever is solid in front of you. I know you must understand what I mean. I dont have anyone else to talk to, anyway. I have felt this way since I made the irrevocable decision of leaving my life with you and what I thought were limited possibilities for our future. I didnt want to live my life like our friends and classmates in college, I wanted more from it and I believed I was entitled to it. I didnt want to come home every night, hating my life and wishing I were somewhere else. I gave up many things, chasing a dream that would assure me of a rewarding, meaningful life. I was afraid that if I stayed behind with you in Iloilo then I would be ordinary and live a

mediocre life. Perhaps it was Papas fault after all. He put these ideas in my head and he made me think I was better than I actually was. I do not know how to continue this letter. Do I abruptly introduce my new girlfriend? Shall I tell you that I am insanely happy with her and that our time in Iloilo was idyllic and bittersweet but without a future? I would be contradicting myself. I would have liked to pretend with you, just out of some bizarre wish that I would affect you and your life in some way. I dont expect you to care anymore, but I just wanted to tell you that Im going to be a father soon. Yes, my new girlfriend of a year and a half is expecting a child. Her name is Myra, by the way. She just told me tonight, while I am swamped in midterms week and I cannot study anymore, and thats why Im writing you a letter instead. What now, you may ask. Well, I will do the obvious thing, after all, and prepare myself for the life I desperately ran away from when I was with you. I cannot afford to study and raise a family at the same time, so I will obviously abandon my studies - unhappy as law school makes me, for a worse fate. I will look for work, any kind of job that pays a pittance just to feed my family (it is so expensive here in Manila), and hope that one day, I will have the resources and the energy to go back to school. My life as it turns out, is terribly cliched and predictable. Isnt it ironic that the end result is the same, even after desperately fighting it all this time? I am destined to live an ordinary life after all. Oh, but to have lived it with you instead, to proceed leisurely together, attuned to the rhythm of our quiet little world. How our families would have been happy. We could have saved our best hopes for our children and let them live our dreams instead. It is too late for me now. Forgive me as this letter has morphed into an unmanageable mess very much like the boy you knew who wrote it. This will be my last letter to you, I have written you so many times. I will stop now. He decided to leave the letter unsigned, deliberately placed it in a plain white envelope and sealed it. He put it in his bag. He would have to buy stamps and mail it to her next week. He looked at his unfinished readings and sighed. ***** Myra was in a better mood when Rey visited her after his exams. I think I have morning sickness, she said shyly. A sudden flood of tenderness for Myra overwhelmed him. He nodded, blinking back unexpected tears. Did you attend your classes today? he asked gently. Her face colored. No, I felt too weak. I just stayed in bed. I threw up three times today. Im sorry I wasnt able to cook dinner for us. I didnt have the energy to buy groceries.

Have you eaten today? Ill go and buy dinner for us. Alright, if its not too much trouble then, Myra smiled. I think Im in the mood for some pininyahang manok, she said. She reached into her bag, pulled our her wallet and handed him some money. As Rey was leaving, she said tentatively. Ive written to my parents. I cant call them. I dont want to hear Mama cry and tell me she knew this would happen. Have you written to your father? Yes I have. Im sending it to him tomorrow. He lied. He quickly closed the door after him. In his hurry, Rey forgot to put his book bag in its usual spot by the bed. Myra picked it up, surprised by its weight. She opened it and found two thick hardbound books inside, his notebooks and papers. A small white unmarked envelope was wedged in one of the books. This must be his letter to his father, she mused. She rummaged through her drawers until she found an identical white letter envelope. Rey would not notice, she thought, and opened the letter with haste. Rey returned with dinner after more than an hour. Im sorry I took so long, he panted. I couldnt find what you wanted. I hope adobo will be okay with you. Myra was curled up on the bed, her pillow covering her face. Baby, are you alright? Rey asked. He tried to remove the pillow from her face, but she resisted. Im just tired, Rey. Its alright about the chicken. Why dont you eat first? Im not hungry right now. She said, her voice muffled by the pillow. Alright then. Rey answered, puzzled. He noticed that Myra moved his bag to its usual spot. His heart raced. He remembered the letter, could she have read it? Fear swept over him. He quietly opened his bag so as not to disturb her and saw that it was where he left it. Relieved, he went to the table and laid out two plates for him and Myra. He touched her shoulder but she lay still. She must be asleep, he thought, and felt guilty. ***** Myra grew increasingly distant from him. Rey was worried, but he was mired in his schoolwork, was too busy himself to talk to her. He failed his midterm exams and he needed to put in extra hours to pull up his grades. He decided against mailing the letter to Gina. It was too much of an emotional outburst and besides, Im happy with Myra now, he rationalized. Myra was devoted to him, she made him feel good about himself and she never complained or fussed over his busy schedule. He never doubted her love for a moment. She would be a wonderful mother, he realized.

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Sembreak was approaching, and Rey decided that he would bring her home to meet his family. He knew his parents would approve of their relationship. He just didnt want to think about telling his father, just yet. Father would be disappointed, but he would understand eventually, he was certain of that. After all, it was how his life had turned out and it was a good life after all. With one and a half years left before graduating, and six months more for the Bar, Rey realized that his worst case scenarios were all in his head. Surely their families would help them through the rough patch. After all, in three years time, he would be financially stable and in a better position to support his family. Myra came over to his apartment one night after more than a week. Rey welcomed her sudden intrusion. I missed you, he said, pulling her close to him. He held her tightly. Too tightly, he realized, and apologized profusely. Im sorry, honey, I didnt mean to hurt the baby. You dont have to worry about it, Myra said. What did your father say? I was meaning to tell him, but school just caved in on me. But I will, right now. Ill just call him. The letter will take too long. Im sorry I forgot to mail him. I was thinking that maybe we could go to Iloilo this sembreak, so you can meet the family at last? Myra was quiet for some time. Then she spoke. Its too late. You dont have to tell him anything, Rey. The baby is not our problem anymore. I was very sick last week. I lost a lot of blood and I went to see a doctor. She told me my period will come soon. You were sick last week? Why didnt you - why didnt anyone tell me? His mind raced. It was impossible. He was just across her boardinghouse. Surely she could have asked her neighbor, her landlady, anyone - just anyone to tell him. It doesnt matter. Im alright now, she insisted. He could not bring himself to ask. He didnt want to ask her anymore. Everything was alright again. He was confident that he would pull up his grades that semester and move on to the next. And after that, it would be his last year and school. He and Myra would graduate together, work for a few years and then get married. I love you so much, he said. Youll be alright now. Ill take care of you better from now on. She let him embrace her again, and she said, tonelessly, I couldnt say no to you when you wanted to make love. Other girls I know dont get pregnant so I assumed it would be alright. Anyway, everything is the way it should be. I can finish my studies and become a teacher, and you will become a lawyer - just like what we talked about before.

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He looked at Myra with relief and overwhelming love. He stroked her hair. We would have all the time in the world to prepare for our future. Myra did not respond. He touched her hand and brought it to his lips. He thought she recoiled from him but assured himself he must have imagined it.