PREMARRIAGE

Table of Contents:
1. Introduction
- Expectations:
o of each other as husband or wife
o of yourself as a spouse
- FOO (Family of Origin): where do these come from
2. TJTA (Intra-personal)
- Temperament:
o tells me about yourself
o tells me also about your partner
3. Prepare (Inter-personal)
- measures relationship strengths and growth areas
- brings up issues that everyone needs to work on
4. Conflict Resolution
5. Intimacy and Sexuality
6. Ceremony (2 weeks before wedding date)
- run through
- get on same page
- rehearsal date

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1. INTRODUCTION:
A. Expectations: of each other as husband or wife; of yourself as spouse
B. FOO: where do these come from

A. Expectations: of each other and yourself

- Purpose is to begin dialogue that’ll continue at home, e.g. learning to verbalize
expectations
- To bring them from the unconscious to the conscious
- Otherwise get into a dangerous game when the expectations don’t get met  failed
expectations
- Expectations should be made clear and then processed
o Is it reasonable?
o Is it practical?
o SPHERES?
- e.g. going to bed at same time
o Intimacy (i.e. stay-at-home mom intentionally withholding intimacy)

FOO: Never underestimate the power of your family

- Tell me about your family:
o Connected?
o Disconnected?
- How did your parents model marriage?
- Who are you more alike? (your mom or dad?)
- Do you have siblings?
- What are they like?
- Legacies/Dysfunction: Important because (a) you may either expect your spouse to
be more like or less like these, OR (b) you may have expectations of yourself to live
up to or away from these
o Secrets (i.e. Otto, Vanessa)

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2. TJTA (INTRA-PERSONAL): (test on temperament)
- Temperament: tells me about yourself and about your partner

What does temperament tell me about?

- If you’re better together.
- If you trust each other with a full range of emotions
- If you help each other in fulfilling one’s dreams or support each other’s dreams
o help each other in combating fear of failure
o e.g. record label/CD

 GO TO TJTA HANDOUT

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 TJTA HANDOUT

TAYLOR-JOHNSTON TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS (T-JTA)

1. T-JTA is not a test but identifies temperament (personality) traits

2. Temperament (personality) deals with behaviors, attitudes, and feelings
3. T-JTA identifies tendencies and does not suggest that aa tendency is permanent
(tendencies can change)
4. Value judgments should not be placed on any of the traits
5. According to psychologists, scores in the darkest shaded areas resure the least
amount of adjustment in society and are deemed to be “healthy”

T-JTA measures 9 pairs of polar opposite traits:

1. Nervous – tense, high-strung, apprehensive (could be temporary or long-running)
Composed – calm, relaxed, tranquil
2. Depressive – pessimistic, discouraged, dejected (may be transient or persistent;
includes sadness, unhappiness)
Light-hearted – happy, cheerful, optimistic
3. Active/Social – energetic, enthusiastic, socially involved (e.g. how you get energy)
Quiet – socially inactive, lethargic, withdrawn
4. Expressive-Responsive – spontaneous, affectionate, demonstrative
Inhibited – restrained, unresponsive, repressed (e.g. unwillingness to express inner
thoughts and feelings, blocking emotions, not willing to show depth of feeling)
5. Sympathetic – kind, understanding, compassionate
Indifferent – unsympathetic, insensitive, unfeeling
(especially in Western culture  strict and slow to recognize feelings of
others)
6. Subjective – emotional, illogical, self-absorbed
Objective – fair-minded, reasonable, logical
(e.g. arguments with plans)
7. Dominant – confident, assertive, competitive
Submissive – passive, compliant, dependent (e.g. to rely too much on others;
tendency to follow, imply fear, insecurity)
8. Hostile – critical, argumentative, punitive (e.g. contemptuous of weakness in others,
quick to temper)
Tolerant – accepting, patient, humane
9. Self-disciplined – controlled, methodical, persevering
Impulsive – uncontrolled, disorganized, changeable (e.g. easily tempted, inability to
break bad habits)

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3. PREPARE (INTER-PERSONAL):
- measures relationship strength and growth areas
- brings up issues that everyone needs to work on

Listing the top 3 strengths and weaknesses of yourself

Listing the top 3 strengths and weaknesses of your partner

PREPARE test: The test is about relationship strength (interpersonal)

- perceived strengths and weaknesses
- take turns listing 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses

FOUR Relationship Types:

- Vitalized – high level of agreement on all 11 dimensions
- Harmonious – moderate to high relationship satisfaction in most dimensions
- Traditional – somewhat lower scores in internal dynamics
o internal dynamics, such as communication, conflict resolution, financial
management
- Conflicted – lowest positive couple agreement

Some Parameters:
- Assertiveness – person’s ability to express feelings to partner and ask what they
would like
- Self-Confidence – how good a person feels about him/herself, and their ability to
control their life
- Avoidance – tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal directly with them
- Partner Dominance – how much a person feels their partner tries to control them

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CONFLICT MANAGEMENT/RESOLUTION

Illustration: Rate as solvable or perpetual

 Two couples, uptown to downtown, rushed mornings…
- Scenario A: Argument
 Wife: Wish you’d…
• wake up earlier
• eat breakfast together
• drive slower (e.g. speeding because late)
 Husband: Wish you…
• didn’t clean all the dishes before we left
• didn’t change outfits so often (or last minute)
- Scenario B: Argument
o Wife:
 wake up earlier
 eat breakfast together
 never make time for me
 drive slower, care for my safety (speeding as a sign of uncaring)
o Husband:
 trust my driving (complaints of speeding as measure of degree of trust)
 respect my ability

Principle 1:
- Solvable vs. perpetual: Don’t waste energy arguing over solvable issues…Just solve
them!
- Give examples
Principle 2:
- Compromise:
o Inner circle: non-negotiable
 try to make as small as possible
o Outer circle: negotiable
 try to make as big as possible
Principle 3:
- Dialogue  so as to respond not react
- Dreams/Wish:
o No right or wrong
o Must deal with expectations/hopes/stories
- versus: Gridlock – rejected, no progress, entrenched positions, unwilling to budge,
more hurt and frustrated
* Note: In long run, you don’t know how things will change

Fighting Fair Principles:

- Do inner and outer circles to develop rules, and understanding of each other’s limits
- Generate respect

BOWTIE ANALOGY

Can have multiple rounds that evolve the argument

- Affected by the way people argue: word use, feelings
- e.g. in Car: primary responsibility to wife or society
o respond in way that will be understood (using Dialogue)

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Strategies:
- Soften startup
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts
- Soothe yourself and each other
- Compromise
- Be tolerant
* Faith Theme: Speak the truth in love. Eph 4:15, 25-27

 GO TO CONFLICT MANAGEMENT HANDOUT

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INTIMACY & SEXUALITY:

What is intimacy to you?

- How does it look like?
- How does it play out?
- Do you create it?
- (allot 20mins)
What promotes intimacy?
What hinders it?

Intimacy  In-To-Me-See
- vulnerability – open to other – can see into me
- with no fear of rejection or judgment

Intimacy has many facets  How do you frame it?

Love Languages
- Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Gifts
?

 GO TO INTIMACY & SEXUALITY HANDOUT