My Racist Neighbors

Sometimes I find racism a little confusing. How does someone decide how racist to be, and how much to hate members of other races? I don't know. My neighbor Jim is the son of a racist father and a non-racist mother. He considers himself half racist. He'll say, "White power. For the most part. But let's not get carried away with that. We gotta have a couple of blacks in Congress." His sister used to date a guy who's half black. And Jim got mathematical about the whole thing. "He's half black, I'm half racist. I hate him a quarter." Then he went up to the guy and said, "You piece of garbage. Sort of. Kind of. Let me put it this way. If you marry my sister, I'll go to the wedding, put a burning cross on your cake, congratulate the two of you, wish you the best, and hope that you have the lightest skinned kids possible." Interestingly enough, his sister is now dating a guy who's an eighth black, an eighth Native American, an eighth Jewish, an eighth Chinese, a quarter white, and a quarter Puerto Rican. Jim went up to him and said, "I'm pretty sure I want to kick your ass--but I'm too lazy to calculate how much I hate you. I'm good at racism--but I'm not that good at math." And then there's my neighbor Joe. He's one of those New Age positive white supremacists--the ones who are racist without actually hating other races. He'll tell you, "Whites are better than blacks and Jews. And blacks and Jews are awesome! I like them! I'm a very positive guy! I even find Malcom X and Barbra Streisand tolerable. But I prefer David Duke and Britney Spears." I also have a neighbor Tom, who's a real nonconformist. He's into obscure bands, little known sports, and low budget movies. And he's the same way when it comes to his racism. "These freakin Latvians. They're ruining our country." [Me:] "Uh... What Latvians? There are Lativans in the country?" [Tom:] "Yeah--there are 522 Latvians. They're messing things up. With their Latvian food, and their Latvian culture. There's even a Latvian gang. There are three guys in it." And then there's my neighbor Cal. He's black, and he's convinced that America exists just to be racist towards black people. He'll say, "Do you think white people have to pay income and sales tax? They say they pay taxes--but they

don't. Instead of being charged taxes, white people get a bonus for being white. It's like a Christmas bonus--only white people get it every day. December 25--bonus. January 8--bonus. August 15--bonus. America will go after a black man's money the way a stripper will go after any man's money. You think white people peel oranges? Oranges are peeled for them. If you're caught with crack cocaine, the government will put you in prison. If you're caught with cocaine cocaine, the government will give you a $23 ticket. And it just so happens that white people use cocaine, and black people use crack. Black people are in prison for crack, while white people are out free doing cocaine, playing golf, shopping at Bloomingdale's, and saying, 'It's a good thing we put those negroes in prison.' All white people consider black people to be a problem. And I mean 'problem' with a capital N--for Niggers. Now--I'm not saying I hate white people. I'm just saying that the government should give me a plantation, and 40 white slaves to work on it." And then there's my neighbor John. He'll tell you, "For some reason, some people think I'm racist. I'm not. I don't hate black people. I just hate people who like collard greens. I'm an anti-collard green guy. Race has nothing to do with it. It just so happens that if someone likes collard greens and he's not white, I hate him. Especially if he's black." There's also my neighbor Ashton. He's white, and he's on a mission to combat racism against black people. He'll tell you, "Whites makes up just 15% of the world population--but they make up 25% of the NBA. Does NBA stand for No Blacks Allowed? It's like all of the league's black players are Jackie Robinsons. As far as I'm concerned, there should only be one white guy in the league: Larry Bird. All other white basketball players should be sent to Africa as slaves." One time, he told me, "Computer keyboards are unbelievably racist. The first row of letters contains the letter W, while the third row contains the letter B-as if whites are first class citizens and blacks are third class citizens. And take a look at the letters: QWERTYUIOP ASDFGHJKL ZXCVBNM. Those letters can be used to type 'OBAMA IS A BLACK ASSHOLE.' I'm not making this up! All of the world's keyboards are calling Obama a black asshole! And what about all of that "F1" F2" "F3" stuff on top? What's that supposed to mean? I'm not sure--but I think it's safe to assume that it's racist, too."

Another time, he said, "The other day, I saw a movie where the villain was played by a black actor. I immediately pulled out my air horn and honked it until everyone in the theater was half deaf. And then when the security guard came and asked me to leave, I yelled 'Rosa Parks' at the top of my lungs and called the police and Al Sharpton. Black actors shouldn't play villains. White actors should. As far as I'm concerned, every single white actor on the planet should play one role, and one role only: Satan. I want to see Hanks, Pacino, and DeNiro competing for Satan roles every year." Yesterday, he was talking to another neighbor of mine, and he said, "I was watching BET the other day, and I saw not one, not two, but three white people over the course of one hour! It's bad enough to see white people on CBS--but on BET, that's like a slap in the faces of Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Nelson Mandela. BET should show nothing but wall to wall black people--and they should try to keep their teeth hidden at all times, so we won't have to see anything white at all. When I watch BET, there should be enough black people on screen to make me wonder whether the TV is actually on." Then my other neighbor told him, "If there were a White Entertainment Television, people would call that racist." And Ashton flipped out. He said, "Black people make up 13% of the population, but they only get one channel. And what do you think the other 499 channels are? White Entertainment. In fact, reality itself is white entertainment. It's nothing but an opportunity for white people to entertain themselves by taking advantage of others. Ever since the white man came into existence, this has been a White Entertainment Earth." And finally, there's my neighbor Tony. His parents hate blacks and Jews--but he's eager to show that he's not racist like them. In fact, he's so un-racist, that all of his friends are black Jews. Which is amazing, considering how he lives in Utah. There are only eight black people in the entire state. Not only is Tony friends with all of them, he forced them to convert to Judaism. Those are the only forced conversions in Judaism's history. As for me, I'm also friends with those black Utahan Jews. But I actually moved out of my apartment building in Utah a few months ago, and headed over to Los Angeles, where I've already made two black friends. But in Los Angeles,

that's no big deal. A black friend doesn't have the same impact here. A black friend in Utah is worth 100,000 black friends in LA.

That Black Guy

Nowadays, society is very quick to accuse you of racism. It can be tricky to avoid those accusations. A lot of things appear racist to a lot of people. One important thing to keep in mind is that you have to be careful when you mention a person or group's race. For instance, you shouldn't go around saying things like, "Remember that black guy who used to live next door to us?" That might sound racist. If you say that, a lot of people will take it the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "Martin Luther King was a real troublemaker. I hate black guys like him, I hate black guys like the one who lived next door to us--and most importantly, I hate black guys who are black. I'm just glad that black guy used to live next door to us, and moved. The day he moved out, I gave him a bucket of KFC as a going away gift, and then I invited the entire neighborhood to my apartment for a party, where we all said, 'Finally--there are no black guys in this neighborhood.'" The point is, referring to someone as "that black guy" will make you seem racist to a lot of people. Here's a related tip. If you mention a guy named Mike, and someone asks you, "Which Mike are you talking about?," don't say "the black Mike." Just change the subject. Start talking about how much you like Martin Luther King. Say, "I can't wait till Martin Luther King Day. It's only ten months away. I'm gonna get an early start on it. Join me as I sing, 'We shall overcome.'" Or say, "I didn't notice which Mike it was. I don't even know which Mike's which. I'm not the type of person to put Mikes in racial groups. To me, a Mike is a Mike. And you're racist for asking me to specify whether the Mike I'm talking about is the black Mike, or the Mexican Mike, or the Chinese Mike." You should also avoid referring to black people as "those people." If you say "those people," a lot of people will take that the wrong way--and

they'll think you're saying, "What the hell is wrong with those people? Those people are not our people. Our people are good, respectable people. Those people are those people. I hate those people. Especially Martin Luther King. He was a real troublemaker. White power." So don't say "those people." Some other things you can't say are "negro" and "colored." If you need me to tell you that, then maybe this course is a little too advanced for you. You might want to head down the hall to Political Correctness 101, where they'll teach you things like, "Don't burn an Obama effigy while holding a Confederate Flag," and "Don't discuss affirmative action on Martin Luther King Day." So to summarize what we've covered so far: don't say "colored," "negro," "those people," "the black Mike," "that black guy," or "Martin Luther King was a real troublemaker." You can, however, say "black." As long as it's not part of "that black guy" or "the black Mike," And you can also say "African-American." But I wouldn't really recommend using the term "African-American." It'll make you sound like you're too into race. Plus, if you use it, you might end up calling an African person an African-American. That'll make you sound like you're in the KKK. Someone might respond, "My name is Umbuta Maafala, and I am Nigerian. I am not African-American. Fuck America, and fuck you!" So say "black" instead of "African-American." As long as you're not saying "that black guy" or "the black Mike." Here's another good tip. If you're white and there's a black person next to you at a supermarket checkout stand, don't put one of those divider things between your groceries. After all, if you separate your groceries from his, it'll make you look like a segregationist. He'll think you're saying, "See this divider? Your groceries are on one side, and my groceries are on the other. There are your groceries, and there are my groceries. Your groceries, my groceries. You're black, and I'm white. That's the theme here, Tyrone. Is your name Tyrone? Yeah--it's Tyrone. After all, you're a male negro. So your name's Tyrone. Or Leroy. Listen, Tyrone or Leroy. I think we should have separate checkout stands. In fact, I think we should have separate supermarkets. Separate but equal. I'm a big fan of that. We need to bring it back. But since

that isn't allowed anymore, I'm going settle for separating your section of this conveyor belt from mine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pay for my groceries and get going. I need to drop by Bed Bath and Beyond and pick up some sheets and scissors, and then get on a horse and hang out with some of my buddies." I don't use a divider when I'm next to a black person. And I get offended when a black person uses one to separate his items from mine. I look at him and say, "Shame on you. After everything Dr. King went through, you're going to pull a stunt like this?" OK. Now let's move on to Indians. When someone mentions an "Indian," there's no appropriate way to ask him which type of Indian he's talking about. No matter what you say, you'll end up sounding like an asshole. "Is he an Indian Indian, or the other kind of Indian?" "Is he an Indian American, or an American Indian?" "Do you mean the Indians you learn yoga from, or the ones you play blackjack against?" "Is he the type of person who can show me how to make chicken curry, or how to roast a buffalo?" "Is he a brownish red Indian, or a reddish brown Indian?" If you say anything like that, a lot of people will take it the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "Gandhi, Geronimo, and Mother Teresa were real troublemakers--just like that black guy Martin Luther King." I have a friend who's a Cherokee Indian. Once I watched a football game with him. The Giants versus the Redskins. Any time the announcers mentioned the Redskins, I turned to my friend and said, "Sorry about that. And sorry the white man took your land and stuff. We should get a 10 yard penalty." One day, my friend's white girlfriend painted her nails red. That was the end of that that relationship. He picked up his tomahawk and said, "Get out. It's over between us." I also have a friend who's the other kind of Indian. His family is from India. I find him politically incorrect. He's way too much of an Indian stereotype. A lot of Indians are doctors or convenience store owners. My friend runs a convenience maternity ward. A woman walks in there while she's in labor, and walks out ten minutes later with a baby, a Slurpee, a pack of diapers, and a pack of Menthols. One thing they don't sell there is birth control.

In India, they really hate the Indian convenience store worker stereotype. They hate it so much, that in their country, 97% of convenience stores are run by Koreans--and any time they show The Simpsons in India, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is replaced with Achu Joong-Ki Soo-Hyun. Sometimes you come across too many people who fit a racial stereotype. Like 5 straight Koreans who are acting stereotypically Korean. The politically correct thing to do is make them act less stereotypically Korean. For example, the other day I was in Koreatown, watching a comedy show. There were about 50 Korean girls in the audience--and any time one laughed, she covered her mouth with her hand--the way Korean girls are known to do. There I was, surrounded by a bunch of Korean girls acting stereotypically Korean girlish, over and over and over again. The comedian made a joke, and then a bunch of Korean girls laughed with their mouths covered. The level of stereotypical behavior was well beyond what I considered tolerable. So as you might imagine, when I noticed the girl next to me about to let out another mouthcovered laugh, I grabbed her wrists down and said, "Just laugh. Don't cover your mouth." Her boyfriend wasn't too happy with me. He challenged me to a Taekwondo fight--as Korean males are known to do. Speaking of Koreans, don't associate them with Chinese people or Chinese culture. Because if you do, people will take that the wrong way, and they'll think you're saying, "There are five races in the world: white, black, Mexican, Muslim, and Chinese. If you're Korean, you fall in the Chinese category." If you want to be politically correct, you have to let people know that you think there's a big difference between Korean people and Chinese people. You basically have to make people think you're saying, "The difference between Chinese people and Korean people is a thousand times the difference between British and German people." For some reason, the rules of PC emphasize making a distinction between Koreans and Chinese people. The other day, I met a Korean man and his Chinese girlfriend--and, being the politically correct person I am, I made it a point to constantly call them an "interracial couple," and compare them to Kendra Wilkinson and that black guy she's married to. So again, don't associate Koreans with Chinese people. Don't even associate Chinese people with other Chinese people. Don't even refer to them as Chinese

people. They're just individuals like Jet Li, Yao Ming, and that guy who lives next door to me. Not that Chinese guy who lives next door to me. That guy who lives next door to me. Each "Chinese person" is his own race. He's not a Chinese person. Jet Li is a Jet Li person, Yao Ming is a Yao Ming person, the guy who lives next door to me is a guy-who-lives-next-door-to-me person, etc. There's no racial similarity between Jet Li, Yao Ming, and the guy who lives next door to me. If you make a connection between Jet Li, Yao Ming, and the guy who lives next door to me, a lot of people will take that the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "All Chinese people look alike, and all black people smoke crack." Even though you can't associate Koreans with Chinese people, you can refer to both groups as being Asian. You can't, however, call them Oriental. Don't say something like "Oriental people look alike, and are good at math." Instead, say, "Asian people look alike, and are good at math." But don't say that, either-because you shouldn't say they look alike or are good at math. And for the record, they don't look alike. I have two Asian neighbors--and they don't look at all like each other. In fact, the first time I saw the two of them together, I said, "You guys look completely different. I've never mistaken one of you for the other, or thought that the two of you were the same person. In fact, you two look so unalike, that I think you're three different people. Also, I'm willing to consider the possibility that you're bad at math. In my eyes, the two of you are three Asian guys who need help calculating a restaurant tip." So that does it for Asians. Let's move on to Hispanic people. Here's the main rule: You can assume that a Hispanic person is Chilean, but you can't assume he's Mexican. If you say to someone, "Are you Chilean?" and he replies, "No-I'm Mexican," that's OK. In fact, it'll make you seem very PC and informed. I mean, who else would walk up to a person and say, "Are you Chilean?" Most people have never even mentioned Chile or Chileans once in their entire life. So you can call people Chilean, even if you have no idea if they're from Chile. In fact, you should call people Chilean as frequently as possible. But don't walk up to some guy and say, "Are you Mexican?", only to have him reply, "No--I'm Chilean." That's a major violation. If you say that, a lot of people will take it the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "Martin Luther King was a real troublemaker. Also, all Hispanic people are more or less Mexican."

So just call people Chilean. Even if they're not from Chile. And even if they're not Hispanic. You can even call a black person Chilean. In fact, if someone asks you which Mike you're talking about, just say "the Chilean Mike."

Why Mel Gibson Should Hire Me

Every once in a while, a celebrity gets in trouble for saying something that he obviously shouldn't have said about black people, Asians, Chileans, etc. That's why I just started a company that filters out those types of comments for a celebrity. We already have a client. Whenever he's going to be on camera or in public, he wears a small microphone, as well as a taser that we control by remote. A few weeks ago, he was on a talk show. At one point, he said, "If my daughter were to marry a black guy..." And then smoke started coming out of his head--courtesy of my celebrity tasing service. Being tased is better than being blacklisted. That's the name of my company. We also provide another service. It's for people who have already committed a PC violation, and need to become likable again. Here's how it works. Suppose a celebrity said something he shouldn't have said about black people. My company will produce a two hour infomercial hosted by him. He'll spend most of the time talking about great black scientists, inventors, leaders, etc. And he'll also let everyone know about his black friends. But he won't mention that anyone's black. I'm trying to arrange meetings with a few celebrities, and pitch them the idea. I think it's only a matter of time before we sign one of them, and put out our first infomercial special.

And then you'll turn on your TV and see, "Mel Gibson and Friends Present: Great People Throughout History." 95% of the friends and the people profiled will be black or Jewish--but throughout the program, Mel won't mention a single thing about that. And even though it's a paid program, there will be commercials for the NAACP, United Negro College Fund, Anti-Defamation League, and Chabad. And then at the end of the show, Mel will adopt a Jewish child. Or better yet, he'll give birth to a black child. And then he'll say, "I'm going to name him Mel, Jr. But not after me. After Mel Brooks." And then the following week, we'll put out another infomercial: "Mel Gibson and Friends Present: Mel, Jr.'s Circumcision." And of course, when the Holidays come around, we'll also put out "The Mel Gibson Chanuka and Kwanzaa Special," featuring guest appearances by Jimmy Kimmel and Ice Cube. So Mel Gibson, Kramer, Don Imus. I'll put together a PR campaign for $200,000 plus expenses. By the end of your infomercial, Al Sharpton will call and apologize to you. "Kramer. I'm sorry."

Everybody Loves Karaoke

I'm trying to put together a hidden camera show like Candid Camera or Punk'd. On the first episode, we'll have a 23 year old white girl from Alabama tell her parents something like, "Mom. Dad. I'm engaged!" And when they ask about the guy, she'll say, "Well. He's 27. He owns an African clothing store. And his name is Malik El-Shabazz El-Khallif." And then the doorbell will ring, and Malik will walk in, look at the dad, and say, "You must be Darlene's father--a.k.a. the White Devil. I brought you a gift. A box of Ritz crackers--you cracka ass son of a bitch. I hope you choke on these crackers." And after the parents say they're against the marriage, we'll have Al Sharpton come in and tell them, "We just caught you on tape, rejecting a black son-inlaw. We exposed you as the racists you are. Millions of people are going to watch this. Now it's time for you to apologize to me, and go work on my plantation. That's really the only option you have if you want to get out of this one."

The show will be called Al--I'm a Cracker, and I'm Sorry. I think Al will want to be on that show. After all, he's on a mission to make all white people apologize. And not just for racism. "Don't just apologize for being racist. Apologize for the whiteness in your skin. And I want individual apologies. As in, 'Al--I'm sorry for the whiteness in the skin on my arms. Al--I'm sorry for the whiteness in the skin on my legs...'" I also have another idea for an anti-racism hidden camera show. I already filmed the first episode. I start it off by talking about my favorite civil rights figure: Jackie Robinson. He was a baseball player who broke the color line back in the 1940s. For a few months, he was the only black player in Major League Baseball, and he had to deal with a lot of racism. But thanks to his career, the sport became fully integrated--as did the country. I don't think Jackie Robinson gets enough credit for his contributions to society. He did a lot for the civil rights movement--but he's not that well known for it. The world has a system that gives too much credit to a select few people, and not enough credit to others. In a lot of cases, 90% goes to one person, 9% goes to another person, and 1% goes to everyone else. Take the civil rights movement. It's 90% Martin Luther King, 9% Rosa Parks, and 1% everyone else. Jackie Robinson is part of the 1% everyone else. At some point, he had to think, "Rosa Parks gets 9%, and I don't even get 1%?! I was the only black player in Major League Baseball. I got death threats. Every day. Multiple. They announced them on the loudspeaker, with each atbat. "Now batting... Mickey Mantle. But before that, Jim Smith wants me to deliver the following message to Jackie Robinson. 'Jackie Robinson--we're going to hang your black ass after the game.' I played baseball and got death threats every day. What did Rosa Parks do? She sat on a bus. And they were polite to her. They said, 'Miss--would you please go to the back of the bus?' People weren't polite to me. No one said, 'Sir--will you please stand there while we throw a baseball at your head?' They didn't say that. They just threw the ball at my head. No 'please.'" And who could forget how in 1963, the NAACP gave Jackie Robinson the Rosa Parks award for promoting racial equality.

But getting back to my show. After giving my viewers an introduction about Jackie, I tell them, "I'm going to do something like what Jackie Robinson did. I'm going to make it so that I'm the only person of my kind somewhere--which in my case, means being the only white person in an all-black environment." And that's when I put on my hidden camera, and I go to a Tyler Perry movie in Harlem. I walk into the theater right before the movie's about to start, and I yell into my cell phone, "We're out of mayonnaise! Go get a few jars. Go get a case! I love mayonnaise! And I hate anyone who doesn't love mayonnaise." There are 200 seats in that theater. 199 black people are looking right at me. 195 of them hate mayonnaise. And 30 of them hate white people. One of them walks up to me, and says, "You must be the white devil." And that's when I take off my Everybody Loves Raymond sweatshirt, reveal a Jackie Robinson jersey underneath, and sing, "We shall overcome..." So that's episode one of the show. I also filmed episode two. It's about the nword. The one that ends in an a. Should I just go ahead and spell it out? No. That might not be appropriate. But just to make sure you know which word I mean, I'll also mention how it has an igg in the middle. So in summary, the word has an n, an igg, and an a. N. Igg. A. It's made up of those three components. In that order. I didn't type it out as is. Because I don't want to cross any lines and offend any people. I want this section to be 100% n-igg-a free. Wait a second. That sounded racist. Can I take that one back? Anyways, I start off the episode by putting on my hidden camera, and heading on down to a karaoke club. Then I have a white friend of mine go up on stage, perform a rap song, and filter out the 43 n-words in it. After his performance ends, I interview a black person in the audience, and he admits, "We love watching white people censor themselves like that. They have to censor themselves--but we don't. It's like we're making them move to the middle of the bus." And minutes later, I go up on stage and do a rap song. And not only do I include the n-words, I also take everything to the next level. I ignore the rest of the song's lyrics, and only rap the n-words. And then when the song ends, and they think I can't possibly say the n-word any more than I already have, I just say it 100 more times, one after another, machine gun style. Then I sing an nword opera song. And then I look at the audience. Most of the white people

have already left. The black people have stuck around, wondering how the whole thing's going to end. One of them is crying. And another one has gone insane. And that's when I take off my Everybody Loves Raymond sweatshirt, reveal a Jackie Robinson jersey underneath, and tell the audience, "I have a dream, that one day, white and black people will be able to include the nwords in karaoke rap songs. Today, I filled in the blanks for all of those cracka ass motherfuckers who've censored themselves. I'm the Rosa Parks of hip hop karaoke. But instead of just sitting in the front of the bus, I drove it right to the mountaintop."