LIBERTY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

A COMPARISON PAPER: HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE BY SANDRA WILSON

A PAPER SUBMITTED TO DR. JOHNNY BAKER IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE COURSE PACO 507 D01 THEOLOGY AND SPIRITUALITY IN COUNSELNG

BY ROBERT E. TEVIS III

BELLEFONTE, PA TUESDAY, JULY 30, 2013

A COMPARISON PAPER: DR. WILSONS HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE Dr. Sandra Wilson has written a book entitled Hurt People Hurt People1 that calls counselors to great empathy for the people they encounter. Wilsons basic premise is that everyone is a hurt person. This means that at some time in their lives they will hurt other people, because hurt people hurt people. She relies heavily on the Freudian notion that trauma in childhood can explain a lot of the problems that exist today in life. She rightly teaches that when children grow up in hurtful homes, they do not learn the basics of healthy relationships.2 The counselor is called to help people see truth and then change accordingly. SUMMARY: The authors theory/methodology 1. Primary goal (What is the desired outcome?) The primary goal for Dr. Wilson is to help counselees produce needed change. Her formula is explained as: New Choices + Consistent Practice = Change.3 She teaches that if we want new consequences, we must make new choices. And if we do, our lives will change.4 For real change, however, the counselor must help people get past shame and deception. Deception flows in two directions: inward (as we try to convince ourselves) and outward (as we try to convince others) that we are strong and invincible instead of weak, wounded, and easily hurt.5 This deception produces shame that binds and blinds us. Shame is the soul-deep belief that something is horribly wrong with me that is not wrong with anyone else in the entire world.6

1 2

Dr. Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People (Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House, 2001). Ibid., Kindle Locations 1993-1994. 3 Ibid., Kindle Location 1373. 4 Ibid., Kindle Locations 1366-1367. 5 Ibid., Kindle Locations 457-458. 6 Ibid., Kindle Locations 197-198.

2.

Development of problems and personal need (How do the issues come about?) Problems arise from us being hurt! Wilsons Law of Relationships says, Hurt people

hurt people.7 Dr. Wilson believes that children become hurt because they cannot satisfactory answer three questions: Can I Be Safe? Can I Be Me? Can I Be Accepted?8 Physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, verbal or spiritual neglect, or abuse is too common.9 Only now are we beginning to comprehend the widespread prevalence of violence and abuse, problems that has been with us for centuries.10 It gets worse, considering that we are most apt to wound those near and dear to us.11 Problems also do not have to be realized or admitted. When pain is real, the wounds are also real, even though they remain unseen.12 The pain and problems all stem from our fallen state. Dr. Wilson summarizes, defection from our created condition triggered a complete disabling of every aspect of our humanness.13 3. Biblical integration (How much of the Bible is used in this methodology?) Dr. Wilson makes the Gospel the center of the healing process. She states that God makes forgiveness a centerpiece of our healing process because living in unforgiveness is so much worse.14 She teaches that denial of truth and forgiveness impedes the healing we long to experience.15 She points the counselor this forgiveness in Scripture, especially in her Appendixes. With titles like, Discovering Your True Identity; Representative Biblical

7 8

Ibid., Kindle Location 174. Ibid., Kindle Locations 1127-1129. 9 Ibid., Kindle Locations 83-84. 10 Gary R. Collins. Christian Counseling, third edition: A Comprehensive Guide (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2007), 399. 11 Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People, Kindle Locations 105-106. 12 Ibid., Kindle Location 374. 13 Ibid., Kindle Locations 376-377. 14 Ibid., Kindle Locations 3423-3424. 15 Ibid., Kindle Location 3300.

Principles of Relating; and Some Attributes of God; these Appendixes are helpful tools to point people to the Bible during the counseling process. 4. Formula for change (the authors stated steps to the desired outcome) As shared above, Dr. Wilson believes that change comes from new choices and consistent new practices over a period of time. She also introduce readers to the Healing Overview and Progress Evaluation (H.O.P.E.) charts.16 This covers multiple areas of needed change, but helps counselors focus on three areas: Seeing Truth; New Choices; and New Practices. This corresponds well with Dr. Mark McCinns three areas for change: accurate sense of self (see truth), an accurate sense of need (make new choices), and healing relationships (adjust your life with others consistently).17 Dr. Wilson also believes that God must be involved in the change process. She writes, Our wise and loving God resurrects our hope because He knows, far more than we, that without hope, we die.18 Hope from God is so important. She points out that those surveyed who said they do not have hope for the future, twenty-nine percent died three to seven years later; of those who had hope, only 11 percent died in the same time period.19 5. Balance of theology and spirituality (Does the author lean more to theology or

spirituality?) Dr. Wilson leans on spirituality. As stated above, she does point people to Scripture in the Appendix and somewhat through the H.O.P.E. charts. She believes that a person must encounter truth about themselves and who they are in God. She is not explicit as many would

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Ibid., first introduced in Kindle Locations 1921-1922. Mark R. McMinn. Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality in Christian Counseling. (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale 1996), 45-48. 18 Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People, Kindle Location 3806. 19 Ibid., Kindle Locations 4165-4167.

like, as she does not deal with whether someone needs to encounter Truth as embodied in Jesus Christ. The truth about peoples situation is important to face, but the Truth transforms. 6. Human personality (development and structure) Dr. Wilson teaches that humans are deprave. Scripture clearly states that each of us is utterly ruined by sin and completely guilty before God. No one can be more ruined than utterly; nor more guilty than completely.20 She mixes this, however, with blaming parents or even a judgmental church for peoples problems. She shares that MOST OF OUR adult life problems are the result of childhood solutions. In other words, something happened a long time ago that hurt us.21 She shares that one in four girls, and one in seven boys, will be victims of sexual abuse before the age of eighteen.22 Even if people have been abused, where is the responsibility of how they act today as adults? 7. like?) Of the four roles of a counselor (Mechanic, Athletic Coach, Optometrist, or Survival Guide), Dr. Wilson believes that counselors should be a survival guide. There is pain in this world and people need a guide to get out of it! The counselor is to give people the tools to see the truth of their situation and God; discover new possible choices, make a decision to live out these new choices and then consistently practice them. This means that the healing comes from the work of the counselee as the counselor empathically guides them. Counselors function and role (What does the counselor/counselee relationship look

20 21

Ibid., Kindle Locations 201-202. Ibid., Kindle Locations 1328-1330 . 22 Ibid., Kindle Locations 774-775.

8.

Major contribution to counseling (How does this theory impact counseling?) Dr. Wilson contributes to counseling by reminding us that we need EMPATHY! We

cannot seriously serve people and guide them without understanding that they have been hurt. Why do people hurt others? Because they have been hurt! The idea is to help people discover the source of their pain and deal with it. One of Dr. Wilsons premises is: If I overpower, dominate, and abuse you today, it temporarily numbs the pain I still have because I was overpowered, dominated, and abused yesterday.23 This also helps the counselor get at the root for poor behavior. 9. Limitations of this counseling theory (What are the practical boundaries of this

methodology?) There are two areas that are limitations to Dr. Wilsons theories. First, she admits that most parents work hard to provide loving, appropriate care for their children.24 Her analysis that hurt people hurt people put the blame on parents for adult behavior. At some point, people need to take responsibility and not blame their parents. Second, Dr. Wilson does not explicitly address a persons need to find forgiveness at the cross. She hints at this, but goes on to suggest that persons need to create a Stewardship of Weakness.25 In other words, can a person really be free in Christ? Do they need to always to be weak in the area of their pain? This is not explored in this book.

23 24

Ibid., Kindle Locations 447-448. Ibid., Kindle Location 697. 25 Ibid., Kindle Location 3814.

10. etc.)

Classification (nouthetic, biblical, Christian, Christian psychology, integrational,

Dr. Wilson uses Christian integrational techniques with psychology and Spirituality. She relies on the Freudian notion that childhood trauma produces adult behavior, but also incorporates the Bible.

PRACTICAL APPLICATION 1. Give practical application to each authors material as relates to the utility for the

overall discipline of counseling and the specific potential influence upon your life and ministry. While it may be simplistic, Dr. Wilsons formula is powerful. New choices plus consistent practice does equal change in Gods timing! This equation is a great tool for my ministry as I counsel people who want a quick fix. Often they come looking for easy-to-do advice, but I am reminded by Dr. Wilson that I need to help them discover their new choices. Her approach reminds me to include tender-hearted empathy (theyve been hurt!) while helping people identify their wounds. If hurt people hurt people, then I can empathize with both victims and victimizers. Dr. Wilsons book also helps me in identifying the process for change: identify the wound caused by past hurts; discover Scripture affirmations; replace the distorted view of life and of God with Biblical truth; make new choices based on the new perspective; and then make consistent changes in life over the long haul. This process may be tough, but with the right loving encouragement it can happen!

2.

Give a brief example of how this authors book might impact a counseling moment. In my ministry among the Pennsylvania Dutch culture in Central Pennsylvania, I have

seen people believe that emotions are untrustworthy. This leads them to have shame about how they feel. Dr. Wilson reminds me that we must bind shame. She gives an example of how we need to move from the shame-bound lie about emotions to the shame-free truth. The lie is that emotions are unnecessary, bothersome, unspiritual, and embarrassing. I need to work on eliminating them. The truth is: emotions are a gift from God and an integral part of our human natures which reflect His image. Jesus came to take away our sins, not our feelings.26 Just by sharing this alone, can help many people in the area I serve.

26

Ibid., Kindle Locations 3939-3943.

Reference Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling, third edition: A Comprehensive Guide. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2007. McMinn, Mark R. Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality in Christian Counseling. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale 1996. Wilson, Sandra. Hurt People Hurt People. Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House, 2001.