Den of Dragons by Sid River

Background This is a spoof of a well known TV show where budding entrepreneurs squirm for money to fund their projects from miserly businessmen and women. Its based on children coming into the Den (as it shall henceforth be known) and asking for money for new toys. I wrote this as an extra scene in an end of year review and cast the characters with children who brought out the various personalities wonderfully. If the actors can do accents, it makes the whole thing a lot funnier. Description Ant n Dec rolled into one, with a bit of Chris Tarent and a splash of Brucie. You get the idea. Dressed all in black for sinister effect. Stingy Scrooge-like school head teacher who will go to any lengths to save a few pennies in the school budget.

Parts Presenter:

Ebenezer Scrimp

Hilda Brassmangler Owner of Super-laundrette Smalls n more, Ms Brassmangler likes to think that shes posh and a cut above the rest but underneath the flim flam, shes another money grabbing miser.

Carlton Nibblet

The worlds angriest and most miserable man. Like to shout and thinks all young people are long-haired layabouts. New age hippie woman who feels that spoiling children rotten is the best policy. However there is a line she will not cross when her own son is involved.

Magenta ChrysanthemumSweeney

Marcie Gumboot

Six year old spoilt kid who starts off shy but give her an inch, and shell take the whole cake! Gun happy boy commando. Would feel more at home in the A-Team movie. A real danger to suburban neighbourhoods. Oh, and Magentas son! Doing his best to keep all the talent happy and the programme running smoothly. Becomes a victim of miser-bullying and hides behind his clipboard. Notes The use of dramatic music can really help this sketch along.

Todd Sweeney

Stage hand

Den of Dragons by Sid River

Sid River

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Dragons den by Sid River There are 4 empty chairs with small tables next to them, each with a glass of water and a pile of money on them. A black suited presenter enters the stage to theme music and stage hands hold up applause cards. Presenter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a very special edition of Den of Dragons, coming to you live from the hallowed halls of the Local School canteen, where the unmistakable whiff of three week old spaghetti hangs delicately in the air . . . and from some of the light fittings! (cymbal crash) Tonight we meet 4 more young entrepreneurs who are desperate, and lets face it, theyd have to be to come on this show (cymbal crash) Yes, desperate to gain financial investment for their latest toy related projects. Lets have a look at them (4 contestants walk on stage in various stages of worry, biting nails, praying, holding teddy and sucking thumb, drinking huge cup of coffee) Yes, there they are ladies and gentlemen, the poor unfortunate saps who are going to risk everything to enter . . . (pause for dramatic music, contestants run off scared) THE DEN OF DRAGONS! Audience applause. Presenter walks to side of stage. Presenter: And of course, this programme would not be complete without our crack team of miserable, stingy, penny-pinching, money-grabbing experts. Please welcome . . . The Dragons! More applause. Four grim looking characters enter wearing business suits and sit on chairs. He walks over to Dragon 1 and talks to him. Presenter: Dragon number one is Mr Ebenezer Scrimp, Head teacher of a local primary school. Tell us Mr Scrimp, what sort of proposed investment is going to convince you to part with your money tonight.

Mr Scrimp: (laughing) Well, let me tell you, I like to run a very tight ship and account for every single penny spent in my school budget. Why only last year I was able to save a fortune by recycling left over semolina pudding from the canteen and using it instead of PVA glue in the Year six classrooms! Presenter: Surely not! What about the terrible smell, and the flies!
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Mr Scrimp:

Yes, well I agree, Year six classrooms have always been unpleasant places to work, but the new glue helped to mask the smell of armpits and feet, AND we managed to save 49.27 in the process. (sarcastically) Hmmm, well worth it then! (walks over to dragon 2) Dragon number 2 is Ms Hilda Brassmangler, owner of Smalls n more, a very successful string of super-laundrettes. Tell me Mrs Brassmangler, what exactly is a super-laundrette?

Presenter:

Hilda:

Well, a super laundrette does exactly what it says on the soap powder packet, its a laundrette, and its SOOPER! (laughs like a horse-pig) Whilst you sit there sprucing up your smalls in the machines, you can kill the time by having your nails done, surfing the web or sipping one of our special coffees. My personal favourite is the Skinny-chocca-lotta-mucka-latte! (laugh again) And what kind of investment are you looking for today? Well, of course Im looking to invest in toys that are educational and business orientated. None of this plastic, noisy, flashinglight, action, adventure rubbish! (sarcastically) Yes, who needs fun anyway! On to Dragon number 3. Mr Carlton Nibblet. Now, as a parent of neo-teenage children yourself Mr Nibblet, what will you be looking for? (looking permanently angry and bad tempered) Id be looking to give them all a good clip round the ear! (surprised) Sorry, come again? (banging the arm of the chair) You heard me! A good clip round the ear! Thats what they all deserve, the ungrateful, good-fornothing long-haired layabouts. They swan in from school after sleeping at the back of the classroom, dump their stinking trainers on the floor then proceed to raid the fridge and slob out in front of the TV eating ice-cream and grated cheese! Why if I had my way Id . . . YES, well lets just move on to our next Dragon Ms Magenta Chrysanthemum-Sweeney! Now, Magenta, I understand that you are a fully qualified child-minder.
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Presenter: Hilda:

Presenter:

Mr Nibblet: Presenter: Mr Nibblet:

Presenter:

Magenta:

Yes thats right, I dont mind children at all! (laughs like a drain) No, I think its lovely that all these delightful kiddies are given a chance to express themselves like this. I think its so important for their development for them to feel happy and contented and get whatever they ask for! Well, thank you Magenta. Thats a . . . lovely name isnt it? Yes it is. My parents named me after a printer ink cartridge! Right. . . O . . . K. (turning back to audience) Well I think its time to meet our first unfortunate but brave entrepreneur. Please welcome 6 year old, Marcie Gumboot. Stage hands hold up applause cards. Young girl comes on stage looking extremely nervous. She is holding a filthy Barbie by the hair.

Presenter: Magenta: Presenter:

Presenter: Marcie: Presenter: Marcie: Presenter: Marcie: Presenter:

Greetings Marcie. Now I understand that you are going to be asking for 12.99 for a new Barbie doll. Is that correct? (looking around at the audience nervously) Yeeess. And what going to be your approach? Your business strategy? (looking even more frightened and confused) Yeeess. No, I mean what are you tactics? (Nods enthusiastically) I like Tic tacs! Right . . . Erm . . . well, OK. I think its high time Marcie, that you entered . . . THE DEN OF DRAGONS! (loud dramatic music, Marcie looks petrified and stands still sucking her thumb. Presenter gives her a little push and whispers) Go on, get in there, or your parents wont get their 200 quid! Marcie walks in and stands there doing nothing. The Dragons look at each other impatiently.

Mr Scrimp: Marcie: Mr Scrimp: Marcie:

Hello? (no response) I said hello. Whats your name? (standing there swinging her hips) Maaarcie. Hello Marcie. Well this is your chance. Pitch us your idea. (She looks wide-eyed from one dragon to another and then holds out the dirty Barbie by the hair) I want a new Barbie! There is a brief silence. All the dragons look at each other and shake their heads in dismay.

Den of Dragons by Sid River

Sid River

Visit www.bytheriverside.co.uk for info & more scripts

Hilda:

Is that it? Is that your best sales pitch Marcie?

Mr Nibblet: Huh, She didnt even say please! Not even once! Marcie: (hands on hips) Please can I have a new Barbie?

Mr Nibblet: Oh no you dont! Its no good now, not after I reminded you to say it. Please should be the first word on your lips young lady if you want us to part with our hard earned cash! Look at her, 6 years old and already rude and ungrateful! Well Im sorry Marcie but you havent convinced me, Im OUT! Mr Scrimp: Id just like to ask Marcie, what exactly is wrong with your old Barbie. From where Im sitting it seems to have hair, and legs and arms, and eyes! One eye! One arm! Well youre just not thinking creatively enough Marcie. A oneeyed, one-armed Barbie could be just the thing that young girls are crying out for. (sounding excited) Yes, put a small patch over the eye for example and screw a curtain hook in the shoulder socket and hey presto, Pirate Barbie! Dont wanna pirate! Wanna pop star! (impatiently) Well Im sorry Barbie, I mean Marcie, I think you really ought to adopt a more mature attitude to recycling and reusing! And for that reason, Im out! (shaking head patronisingly) Marcie, Marcie, Marcie! What can I say? I just dont think youve taken your opportunity seriously enough. I mean where are your projection figures? Your comparative sales prices? Your flip charts? Your Multimedia presentations? You didnt even wipe your nose properly before you came out here! (sniffs and wipes nose on sleeve) How about a My-little pony then? Sorry Marcie, Im out! (All misty eyed) Ahh, I remember my first Barbie, Motorcycle Maintenance Barbie complete with model Suzuki 125 and genuine grease spots on the overalls. I think its so important for young children to assert themselves with constructive role play and positive career models, dont you Marcie? Erm . . . What?
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Marcie: Mr Scrimp:

Marcie: Mr Scrimp:

Hilda:

Marcie: Hilda: Magenta:

Marcie:

Magenta: Marcie:

Oh Marcie, you are a sweetie. What Im trying to say is that I have decided to finance your project. You may have your Barbie! (suddenly looking interested) Cool! (she steps forward and puts her hands on her hips) Can I have the jeep, cliff top penthouse and full surf and beauty party accessory pack too! Erm . . . I dont see why not, I think its really important for a young girl to . . . . . . And the My little pony Hollywood superstar gymkhana play set with fillable horse swimming pool and barbeque features! And the . . . Hey! Kid! Dont push your luck! Now scram! Marcie pulls a sulky face, throws her Barbie on the floor and blows a loud raspberry before stomping off.

Magenta: Marcie:

Magenta:

Presenter:

(leading applause from the audience) Ah, there she goes ladies and gentlemen, the adorable Barbie . . . I mean Marcie. Our first successful project pitch of the evening. Now, moving on, our next money grabbing hopeful to bravely assault the Dragons Den is ten year old wannabe commando, Todd Sweeny (applause as a boy in paratrooper gear commando rolls on to the stage and pretends to fire a machine gun and throw a grenade at the panel and audience. Stage hands hold up oooh and aaaah cards. He makes loud sound effects) Whoa there young fella-me-lad! (he pats Todd on the back) Now, Todd . . . Sweeney Todd! Thats rather an interesting name you have there. Was your father a Barbie . . . I mean a barber? (looking confused) A barber? No! What are you talking about you crazy fool? Oh, I just thought, you know, Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street. Thought you might be named after him! (Todd continues to look blank. The presenter laughs nervously) Never mind young Todd, its about time that you entered . . . THE DEN OF DRAGONS! Music plays and Todd fetches a flip chart from the side of the stage and puts it in front of the Dragons.

Presenter:

Todd: Presenter:

Hilda:

Ahh, this is more like it, a proper sales pitch! Todd, tell us about your project!
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Todd flips over the paper on the flip chart to reveal a diagram of a complicated looking sniper rifle. He taps it with a baton. Todd: (struts around like a military commander) This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Russian made MXJ42-3000 assault rifle, the most sophisticated piece of military hardware found anywhere on the shelves of Toys-R-Us. Its triple drilled 14 inch barrel comes mounted with state of the art cross-hair telescopic sights, quick -change side loading 3mm plastic pellet magazine, polished plywood handle and a comprehensive range of glow-in the-dark army stickers. I dont believe it! Will you look at that. In my day we just had pea-shooters and a cap gun! The kids of today are just not satisfied with the simple things in life! Its certainly a very impressive piece of kit Todd. How much are you asking for exactly. A complete bargain at one hundred and forty nine pounds and ninety nine pee! (aghast!) ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE POUNDS! And ninety nine pee! One hundred and fifty quid for a toy water pistol. Are you serious Todd! Its a small price to pay for neighbourhood security and peace of mind! (laughs condescendingly) I think our neighbourhood will be quite secure without armed teenagers stalking through the undergrowth, thank you very much! Im sorry Todd, Im out! (pointing his stick aggressively) You wont be saying that when youre beset with a . . . with a . . . (struggling to think of an example) plague of sparrows or something! (folding arms) Todd? I thought this was just a water pistol. You mean to tell me you actually shoot sparrows with this thing! (standing to attention) Only if they enter restricted air space. (holding his palms up) Im sorry Todd, but school policy number 453278-b No small feathered migrating creature will be unnecessarily shot at, no matter what the provocation! prevents me from supporting you in this venture. Im out! What about you Carlton?
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Mr Nibblet:

Hilda: Todd: Mr Nibblet: Todd: Hilda: Todd: Hilda:

Todd:

Mr Scrimp: Todd: Mr Scrimp:

Den of Dragons by Sid River

Mr Nibblet:

(standing up and shouting) Are you crazy? The boys a loony! Probably been playing far too many violent computer games or watching video-nasties on the cartoon channel. If I had my way Id send them all to boot camp! Hard work and cold showers! Thatd teach them some discipline! (stamps foot) Im OUT! Well, that just leaves you then Magenta. Well . . . I do think its important for young children to assert themselves with constructive role play and positive career models . . . (grins) Excellent! . . . But Im a little concerned Todd by the somewhat militaristic nature of this toy and Im afraid Im going to have to . . . Owww! But Mum, you said if I came on this stupid show then I could have a new toy! (hissing angrily) Yes, but I didnt realise you were going to ask for a 10 megaton nuclear weapon, did I! (folding arms) Hang on a minute, is he your son. (standing up with hands on hips) I protest! This is all highly irregular! (smiling sweetly) I dont know what youre talking about, Ive never seen him before in my life! Mother! How could you! Be quiet! Anyway, Your father and I didnt promise anything, we just said well see! (having a small tantrum) Well see!!! Thats what all you parents say when you really mean no and youre just trying to shut us up! (looking guilty and unsure) No . . . It means well see! (pointing angrily and shouting) Its not fair! You havent heard the last of this! (removal men try to drag him off shouting) Come the revolution, then well see! Well see when someone wants 1.25 for The mail on Sunday or 89p for a bar of fruit and nut! WELL SEE!! Todd is carried off by stage hands and the presenter comes back on.

Hilda: Magenta:

Todd: Magenta: Todd: Magenta: Mr Nibblet: Magenta: Todd: Magenta: Todd: Magenta: Todd:

Presenter:

(grimacing) Well . . . Erm . . . Thank you Todd Sweeny. Now erm . . . Wed better get on to out next contestant! Please could you welcome to the Den Of Dragons 9 year old Martin . . .
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A stage hand with clip board and ear-piece has crept up behind the presenter and coughs to interrupt and whispers intensely. Stage hand: Presenter: Stage hand: Presenter: Stage hand: (Cough) Ahem. Hes not here! What? What do you mean? Martin. Hes erm . . . not here. Hes . . . erm . . . run away. Run away? Yes. It seems he got scared by the shouting and legged it out of the canteen fire exit. I dont believe this! Well what about the other one, Tarquin something or other. Is he still here? Oh yes, hes still here . . . Well get him out here then! Pronto! . . . but hes locked himself in the toilets and is too scared to come out! (exasperated) Well . . . Cant we do something! Cant we send Todd in to break down the door and flush him out? Not really. It was Todd that chased him in there! Oh fantastic! Thats just really great! They told me down the agency never to work with children and (points at the dragons) animals! (turns back to the audience) Well it seems ladies and gentlemen, that this weeks program is at an end. Weve met two lovely kids and four even lovelier hideous reptiles. Join us again next week at the same time when itll be the turn of the head teacher to enter the Dragons Den and ask for extra money towards his retirement fund. Goodbye till then. Other stage hands hold up placards with Applause written on them. All the people on the stage freeze with artificial smiles while the theme music plays and the lights dim. Then they all relax and frown as the programme ends & lights come back on. Presenter: Right, thats it, Im off. You better call the fire brigade and get that kid out the loo before the viewers write in and complain. (presenter storms off leaving the stage hand alone)
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Presenter:

Stage hand: Presenter: Stage hand: Presenter: Stage hand: Presenter:

Mr Scrimp: Stage hand: Hilda:

Excuse me, but when will we get our fee. The cheques will be sent in the post at the end of the month. Hang on a minute, I asked for cash. That was the deal, half an hours work for 500 quid cash in hand. 500 QUID! Thats not fair! They only offered me 300 plus expenses. Why is she getting 500? Expenses? You got expenses? They didnt even offer me the price of a bus ticket! I came down in a limo, can I claim the petrol. Im not coming again unless I get petrol money. What about my 500 quid? Can I claim for the two sausage rolls I ate in the car park? I never even got sausage rolls! (Holds up hands and tries to quieten them down) Listen! OK listen! Lets all just go through to the office and we can fill in all the forms so you can get your money! They all start to leave the stage grumbling and moaning. They stop and look suddenly as Marcie comes back on to pick up her old Barbie. She looks at the battered doll, sighs sadly and walks back off stage. The dragons all shake their heads.

Mr Nibblet:

Magenta:

Mr Nibblet:

Hilda: Mr Scrimp: Magenta: Stage hand:

Mr Nibblet:

Honestly, kids today. Theyre just so ungrateful! End

Den of Dragons by Sid River

Sid River

Visit www.bytheriverside.co.uk for info & more scripts