A Course In Weight Loss

Lesson 1 I am ASHAMED of the jobs that I lost by being terminated. Even though in both situations I did nothing to directly cause my termination. I know that my behaviors and the manifestation of my depression were the reason why I was considered first choice for removal unworthy of being able to stay. I am ASHAMED of my divorce and the lies that have been told about me. That I find it so difficult to let go of the frustration gained in not being able to tell my story. I have felt ashamed in feeling I allowed myself to be raped, abused, mistreated in my family and relationships. I am ashamed of some of the members of my family that feel the need to abuse drugs, alcohol, and people. I am ashamed of having two kids out of wedlock when I am supposed to be better than that. I am sometimes ashamed of my car, and my house not being the best or not finishing my education. Where I am supposed to be educationally and financially. I am still ashamed of that sex spree I had after my initial rape. I become embarrassed whenever I think that some may still remember and wonder if it was true. It was. I am ashamed of the information I used from Mon Mon for the credit cards. This bothers me a great deal. I am ashamed that I hit John, the only man I ever really and truly loved. I am ashamed of some of the men I have allowed to enter my body and the reasons why, fear, or whatever. ANGER I am angry at my mother for not protecting me from her sorry husband. For her not doing anything about leszlie and any of the other people in her family that abused. When her husband abused Nakevia and attempted to abuse others she did NOTHING. I am angry that her mother and father were allowed to denigrate me daily without protection, with their negativity. I had no where to go home was just as ugly. I am angry that no one in my family did anything to bring me to safety even my dad.

I am angry about the lies that my mother told about life and love. I am angry that she didnt love me enough to leave the abuse or get rid of her husband. I hated being used as a pawn for him. I am angry that she died without acknowledging this I know she felt it and suffered for it, I didnt want her to suffer. I wanted her to acknowledge that her spirit was damaged and just love me. I never knew love in that home. I am angry that every man I have ever loved leaves. I am angry that I am angry and cant seem to get past the frustration. I am angry at the people who made fun of me and treated me as if I wasnt good enough for them even to be their friend. Just this morning I acknowledge still anger toward Demetrice Sias and how she treated me when we moved to Lake Charles. I am angry at Cynthia and that I never realized that she was never my friend and the rumors I was told she was spreading was true. From Tim to Devin and now has a baby for Brian Medlock, who does that. I asked myself did she really know, did she forget, maybe she did, maybe it never came up, maybe its been a long time. I am angry that I allowed myself to be raped when I was in college. I am angry that I didnt do anything and I am angry that noone felt I was worthy enough to deserve justice to deserve love, to deserve support. I am angry that my mom chose her husband over me and that Ms. Wilkins said I should just let it go because of my rape because I was not promiscuous in college but I definitely had my share of sex and because that I deserved what I got or maybe asked for. I am angry that even then no one felt my body was worth the fight. I am angry at my dad for his excuses and not taking care of his own self. I am angry that his mother has NEVER been there for me and that when I tried to let her in, I am always reminded of how I am not good enough for them The same with my mothers mom. I am again angry that nobody cared enough to provide me with security and safety. I am angry at Shon and his stupidity. I am angry at how black men allow themselves to be typecast and do nothing to change the dynamic of our families. I am tired of men making babies and moving to be with women with 10 kids and none are for them and have the audacity to fight to stay, and will not do the same to restore relationships with their own children. I am tired of us not being taught the truth about our upbringing or having fathers that are examples. Allowing their own selfish motives to be the reason that its to hard to make it work. I am sick of the dating game online or in person. Why is it that men dont want to have their own stuff WTF is up with Racism, why cant we just be free, why am I intimidating because I am honest with myself good and bad and I have an opinion and an often well thought out one.

I miss hugs, I want love. I am tired of being caught up in drama with men that I am no longer physically connected to being reminded of my failures, especially with Jerome. I am angry that my children suffer because their choices. I am angry at myself that I wasnt strong enough to walk away from the unanswered questions before the babies. I am angry that I lost John, that I didnt know how to love him or be there for him because of my own abuse. I am angry that no matter how much I tried to reach out for help and guidance nobody saw my spirit and that I was really hurt and torn with the anger I was feeling. I am angry that Andre will not eat. I am Angry that I dont have enough money to live the life I want. I am angry that I am just learning how to save and discipline myself with money and not have to spend every dime. I am angry that I always had to hide my dreams still do. I am angry that I spent most of my adult sexual life being reabused rather than made love too. I am angry about Miguel and how he allowed his friends to rape me, WHO DOES THAT!!!!!!!!!!! I am angry that I left other girls in the wake of their danger by not reporting. Who would believe I had been abused tht many times. I am angry that I have to deal with negative stereotypes like being the black angry woman. I am angry that Kevin (my brother) cant see me for who I really am. I am angry that he doesnt want a relationship with me and also angry about this when it comes to the families of BOTH of my parents. FEAR I am afraid of not being successful. I am afraid that my children will be flawed in a major way because of who I am. I am afraid of not being a good mother and friend to my children. I am afraid of failure, not afraid of success. I desire it, I feel it in my spirit but afraid of sometimes taking the risks and making the moves to get there. I am afraid I will never know what true love looks like. I am afraid my children will not know the love of their fathers.

I am afraid of not being loved. I am afraid of death. I am afraid when dealing with men and car repairs. I am afraid of being jipped or taken advantage of when it comes to needing help. I am afraid of being attacked again and raped. I am sometimes afraid of my feelings and the thoughts I have inside of me. I am afraid of being fat forever. I am afraid of cancer and heart disease. I am afraid of losing one or both of my children. I am afraid that I wont live long enough to see my children be successful. I am afraid I wont figure out what my passion is and my reason for being here. I am afraid of hell. I am afraid of not going to heaven. I am afraid of intimacy and the good feelings from sex, I dont know how to process them. . I am afraid of never knowing what it is like to be made love to at the same time that I am in love with a person. I am afraid of dying in a car accident or plane crash. UNFORGIVENESS I have not forgiven myself for the abuse I experienced. I have not forgiven Cynthia for not really being my friend. I am just getting to the place where I realize she never was. I am not sure what I feel about her having a baby for Brian Medlock. I have not forgiven myself for not knowing how to articulate the abuse I experienced at the right time. For not knowing when I was being abused because it happened so often.

I have not forgiven myself for the mistakes that I have made with money and I have gotten better but still get frustrated with the choices I have made with lovers. I have not forgiven my family for orchestrating my demise and their negativity. Especially my grandparents. I have not forgiven myself for the credit card usage at my last job and not recognizing my problem with depression, etc or getting help when I needed to. I have not forgiven Shareca for leaving me behind and not accepting my friendship when all I did was love her. I forgive Kym for the same thing. I had this often when I was growing up where I loved my female friends but just like guys they didnt want my friendship. I need to forgive my mother for not protecting me from the abuse or doing anything to prosecute her husband when she was told of how he was molesting me. I need to forgive myself for not speaking out. I need to forgive Lezliee for her abuse when I was 6 years old. I am a true believer that this along with the abuse I witnessed is the source of a lot of anger I still have inside. I forgive my mother for not understanding me and not being able to ever make a significant bond with me because of her own issues. I need to forgive mama for choosing Carl over me. I need to forgive Carlester for his abuse and lies and for in my opinion taking my mother away from me. Despite his actions of molestation, taking advantage of my mothers weakness as an opportunity to have her permission still bothers me a great deal. I need to forgive Jzelle for sleeping with Harvey. I need to forgive my moms family for how things were handled when her parents died and how still to this day nobody attempted to give her anything in the way of her money as if she didnt exist or wasnt a part of the family. I need to forgive my dad for not being there for me and not fighting hard enough to be with us or get me out of the situation. I know he was on drugs, and while I am ok with this, I think I still struggle with it from time to time. I need to forgive the former friends from Mayo Clinic that never saw me for who I really was and threw me out with the bath water the Julies, Janice, Faye, Paulettes, Steves, Bryants, Vees, Joann, etc.

I need to forgive my dads mom for how she has treated me and her families, failure to acknowledge our existence. I need to forgive my brother Kevin for not caring enough about me to have a concern for me in his life. And believing whatever grandma says. I need to forgive Miguel for that night he raped me with the 5 or 6 dudes. Of all the things I have experienced in my life I really can not believe I survived violation of that magnitude. I need to forgive myself for not having the courage to do something about it. I need to forgive Ms. Wilkins for not believing that my body and spirit was worth protecting when I got raped by Eddie Gaspard. I need to forgive every man that has ever hurt me, especially those that still try to be in my life. I need to forgive myself for allowing myself to feel not good enough for them and letting my fears and anger get in the way of forgiving them. I need to forgive Khama for how she treated me and ask God to help me see if I am missing her point. I need to forgive Ms. Cheryl, Ms. Marie, Lori for what is going on now, I do not need to get involved and know that I did the right thing. I need to forgive myself for failing to remember who they have showed themselves to be. I need to forgive myself for depression and my procrastionation. I have sought to run and hide from my guilt that I cant get myself to move or unclutter my home, I never knew there was so much missing from the process. I need to forgive Jarvis Hardin, Stacey Hudson, Miguel Thompson, Justin Gwynn. And probably every other guy that has ever touched me sexually. I need to forgive myself for the sex I had after my rape when I was 14. I think that one week had the biggest impact on my life. I have never fully understood the magnitude. I need to forgive Major, my brother, for not being who I feel he should be. I need to forgive him for not loving his children enough to care for them, not loving mom enough to be open with her, and not loving himself enough to get help. I need to forgive myself for not knowing how to love and for not knowing how to be open and accepting of love.

I need to forgive myself for my part in all of my negative relationship from John to Jerome, I need to forgive myself for the abuse of John and the sexual behavior that resulted in the demise of my marriage. I need to forgive myself for not seeing and having the courage to not marry him. I need to forgive myself for wasted time with myself and men like Shoan, Derrick, etc. I need to forgive myself for being who I am and where I am and not seeing what I need to correct to stop attracting those type of men. I need to forgive myself for passing up and running away from every man that ever was attracted to me and I didnt feel I deserved themthey were too good, boring, etc. JUDGEMENT I judge men for their seemingly stupid attitudes toward work, women, and their futures. I judge Jerome for his promiscuity, lies and using church to continue to abuse women. I judge Major for his criminal and promiscuous behavior. All of the above are related. I judge women like Crystal and Cassandra for not loving their children enough to take care of themselves and for accepting men that are abusive or free loaders. I think I have this problem with most desperate women. We dont have to accept anything and I am so passionate and bothered in my spirit when we do. I sometimes harshly judge myself for the mistakes that I have made in my life with the children, money, etc. I judge my parents for their mistakes and how I was raised. I now understand better why they are the way they are. I judge Juanine, for saying one thing and doing another with men, I am more aware of this and am working to be more supportive despite my personal misgivings. I think of Shoan, Jerome, Calvin, Ryan, etc in negative terms in their responsibility to their children and lack of direction in making changes in their lives but it is changes I see they need maybe they dont working on this daily. DISDAIN I feel disdain for the same reasons mentioned above that I pass judgement. I do get disgusted when people dont agree with how I feel, but not just that, it has to be about something where there is truly some value to my opinion. Yet I realize it is my opinion. I have been guilty of attempting to cut people off because of this. I am a work in progress and am learning to confront the feelings I have in uncomfortable situations and work

through them rather than closing myself from the opportunity to grow or perhaps even reaffirm what I already believe in. I feel disdain for those that hurt children. I have great disdain for LIARS!!! I have disdain for people that I feel take advantage of people and hide behind their perceived power in an attempt to look down on others while not fully revealing the truth about themselves or even acknowledging. Like Khama. I have learned to pay attention to what I feel and those that I get negative energy from consistently, that dont value me or even my varying opinion. I will do the same. I am sure what I feel is disdain for mothers that arent honest with their children about behavior that is painful to other such as abuse, cheating, etc. and support the child usually a son no matter what. That isnt love to me. But I know it isnt my issue. RESPONSIBLE I am responsible for my children and for myself. I am responsible for my choices, my actions, and how I choose to relate to the world and other people. I am responsible for my bills past and present and the feelings I harbor in my heart against those that have hurt and helped me. I am responsible for allowing myself to heal, grow, prosper, and succeed. I am responsible for my successes and failures. I am responsible for completing my assignments and not quiting . I am responsible for cleaning and maintaining, and work on time, and rest for 3 people a house and a car. PRESSURE I feel pressure about being a good parent. I feel pressure about Andres eating and his asthma and raising him to be a God-fearing respectful man. I feel pressure because their fathers dont do their parts and I made the choice in men. I feel pressure to be a perfect employee without any issues that the children bring about. I feel pressure about my future what do I do about a new job, when do I step out, where do I go. I feel pressure that I dont talk or have anyone here to confide in, or anywhere else. That I trust to share my real stuff without fear of gossip or rejection.