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Robert P Witham
Probably everyone has had a friend or loved one go through a time of grief. Sooner or later
tragedy, pain and loss strike each person and as a result of this we all have witnessed a
friend or loved one grieving some loss.
How we interact with others in grief can determine whether we bless or damage that person.
The worst insults a grieving person receives are often from a well-meaning friend or loved
one. Some of you know what I mean all too well.
Unfortunately, most of us feel poorly equipped to help someone who is grieving a loss. This
article will provide some simple guidelines to help readers better understand the grief process
and how to be a positive support and encouragement to your friend or loved one during grief.
We will explore the nature and causes of grief, grief response and stages, supporting those in
grief, and some helpful hints for being a positive support to those in grief. The ideas,
suggestions and opinions presented in the article are based on my own education and
experience in pastoral ministry.
What is Grief
Grief is the natural human response to loss.
The US National Mental Health Information Center defines grief this way:
“Grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes from losing
someone or something important to you.”1
Causes of Grief
There are many specific events or circumstances that a person may grieve. However, they all
have at their core a sense of loss. This loss may be real or imagined, tangible or intangible,
but the grief reaction is the same. Death is perhaps the greatest and most significant cause of
grief because the loss is felt to be so permanent and unalterable. However, a divorce, major
illness or injury, loss of a job or business, separation from friends or loved ones, or similar
situations that result in a feeling of loss may all trigger a grief response.
There are actually many situations and circumstances that could feel like a significant loss to
a person. The reality is that what impacts me significantly may not impact you in the same
way. This is true with many things because people have different priorities and values. You
may find your loved one grieving a loss that does not seem that significant to you - but the
loss may in fact be very real to them.
1http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/Ken-01-0104/default.asp
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with developing a helpful model outlining five stages of
grief. Kubler-Ross published these five stages in her book, Death and Dying (1969). Kubler-
Ross’s Five Stages of Grief are perhaps the most common and popular model of the grief
process.
Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief, represented by the acronym DABDA, as:
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
Every person experiences the same five stages of grief outlined in Kubler-Ross’s model.
While all five stages must be experienced as part of the healing process people may progress
through these stages in different orders and at different rates. While denial is typically the first
stage of the grief process, anger may or may not be the second stage that a person
experiences. Similarly, just because denial is the first stage and a person has progressed into
another stage does not mean that they will not revisit the denial stage.
The US National Mental Health Information Center outlines a four-step grieving process. They
identify the four steps as:
• Accept the loss
• Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief
• Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost
• Move on with life
Each of these models provide a helpful framework to understand the grief process. However,
it is important not to get hung up in predicting where a person should or should not be based
on a particular model. These are models only and even trained counselors sometimes
disagree about which model best represents the grief process or where an individual may be
in the process.
The grief process will vary and look different for each individual. For instance, men and
women may grieve the same loss differently. A person’s own personality and history with loss
and grief will also impact their response to a loss. A person’s family background will often
have a significant impact on how they grieve when faced with loss. I had one professor in
college who used to say, “Styles are learned in families of origin.” There is a lot of truth to that
statement. When everything falls apart we tend to default back to the responses we learned
from our families - whether these responses worked or not.
Conclusion
Ultimately, supporting a friend or loved one during their time of grief means being a true friend
to the person. This requires putting aside our own comfort and agenda in favor of simply
being there and sharing their pain. Supporting people in grief means loving them where they
are at rather than where we wish they were and where we would be more comfortable if they
were.
Your friend or loved one needs you during their time of grief. Don’t stay away because they
are grieving. Just remember to give them space and time, and remember that they do not
expect you to have all of the answers either. During times of loss and grief it is enough for
them to know that you are there and that you care.