BREAK-UP

HELP YOUR FAVORITE DEPARTMENTS GO OUT WITH A BANG NEIL SHULMAN, HUNK OF THE MONTH Say hello to the sexiest guy at the DUC!
D MUST REA

SEX

DR. LOVE TELLS ALL

Tips from a professional!

4 PAGES OF FILLER

Spring Photoshop

Get the impossible five body you want in easy clicks!

Just some hot guys havin

g fun!

Fun, Fearless
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Spring 2013
Real Talk
6 FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR WEEK
We hope youre willing to settle

Confessions
BODY LANGUAGE HOTTEST HOOKUPS IN EMORY HISTORY
176 years of awkward next-day encounters Read him like a book

Cover Stories
Cover

SHOP AT KROEGER
He wore it best!

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THE PROFESSOR IS IN

10 FANCY FEETS

PACE didnt prepare you for this

Look ah-mazing in the hottest new footwear craze since Uggs!

Fun, Fearless

Celebs
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NEIL SHULMAN

Cosmospokes Hunk of the Month

Cover Image: Fair Trade Nglige by Pasties United, $250. Brassiere courtesy of a trash can outside of Clermont Lounge, $50. Earrings by Bubba from Little Five Points, $3,000. Hairstyle by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior. Makeup by Visual Arts Department refugees. Smoldering facial expression, priceless. Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

TMI pharmacy
Emory Point Condoms
For the couple that likes mixed-use sex, usually in three phases.

CONDOM SALE!
Super Bowl XLVII Condoms
Ideal for televised sex, but side effects may include a 34-minute interruptiuon and having to kiss a nerd.

Norwegian Condoms

Made from the finest reindeer skin to keep you and your lady warm.

UGGs Classic Cardy Condoms

3/$10!
Tanzanian Trojan
You know the importance of not wasting your sperm, so weve designated our condoms to ensure that they are full of holes! Great for 80s parties! Wear with your favorite Hawaiian shirt!

Comfortable and versatile, these condoms can be pulled all the way up, or slouched down for more casual sex.

Magnum P.I. Condoms

North Korean Nuclear Condoms

For aggressive sex with a probability that it will be only partially successful.

US Military Combat Condoms

Now for women!

Parisian Condoms

Romantic, effective, and emits a urine smell when used near alleys and stairwells.

Anonymous Hackers Condoms

Jersey Shore Flavored Condoms

Flavors include: Long Island Iced Tea, Margarita and now Vodka with Seltzer (for the girl watching her weight)

Emory Candelight Crossover Condoms

Only works in rooms lit by candles.

Carefully designed for a memorable cyber experience. Quality control guaranteed by pasty-faced pricks hiding from authorities. For high profile penises only.

COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

COSMOSPOKE
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
WEB EDITOR
Dave Like our Fucking Facebook Stess

Noah Still Not a Weasley Levy MANAGING EDITOR

Martin Thats 55% funny Sigalow

LAYOUT EDITOR
Will Please, PLEASE Buy a Yearbook! Ezor

SHAMAN
Nick Fayfty Shayts uf Bowman

CARTOONIST
Anita You guys are all really creepy Okoye

TREASURER
Lawrence I Dont See the Problem Balanovsky

FEATURED WRITER
Georgia Peaches Davidson

PRANKS COORDINATOR
Gabi Token Greek Wolozin

MODELS
Rachel Bottoms Anne Elise Michael Friedberg Gabe Gan Ovadia Harary Melina Jones Thab Khe Carl Kroeger Rebecca Lichtenstein Robert McCormick Jing Ng Kyle Niezgoda Ngawang Norbu Josh Sallen Amit Singh Nayan Tiwary Julianna Wessels 2 anonymous girls

FRIENDS OF THE SPOKE

Martin Arizona Farmer Krafft Gabe Super-Senior Nahmias

SPECIAL THANKS
The Emory Bubble

FOLLOW US ON

And check us out at emoryspoke.org for more jokes and shit

Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

Looking for Love At Emory?

Take this Quiz and Find Out Which Cosmospoke Guy is Your Soul Mate!

Whats your biggest date dealbreaker?

1 Hes a transfer
student from Oxford.

Your favorite type of music is:

1 The Glee
soundtrack.

2 Finnish metal. 3 Toby Keith.

You have a huge crush on the following celebrity:

1 Matthew
McConaughey. Rushdie.

What do you consider to be the ideal date?

1 Checking out
a concert at the Schwartz Center. north Georgia.

2 Hes an Emory
Libertarian. the Wheel.

Wheres the craziest spot on campus that youd hook up with a guy?
1 In your dorm room. 2 On the rock
climbing wall in the WoodPEC. underneath the Briarcliff Campus.

3 He writes for

Youre 6 hanging out Whats your with your favorite best friend Im hot at Steady outfit? Hand when 1 A little black a cute guy dress and stilletos. walks in. 2 Swoop. What do you do? 3 Flannel
pajamas.

2 Sir Salman 3 Quagmire from

Family Guy

2 Hiking through 3 Bong hits

followed by a trip to the nearest Waffle House.

3 In the tunnels

1 Catch his eye and

wink.

2 Walk over and

offer to buy him a Dirty Chai. in hives, start crying and run out the door.

3 Panic, break out

What is your sexiest feature?

1 Your long, silky hair. 2 Your outgoing

personality. lip gloss.

3 Your bacon flavored

COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

How would you describe the perfect Emory guy?

1 He is ambitious
and confident.

Your idea of a perfect Spring Break is:

1 A cruise to the
Cayman Islands.

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The breakdown 1 to 10 points

Your Soul Mate is probably the most boring guy in the room. Not that theres anything wrong with that as the world needs boring people, too. Enjoy!

2 An environmental
trip to Costa Rica.

11 to 20 points
Your Soul Mate isnt at Emory. Try the University of Colorado.

2 He cant wait

to go to Burning Man

3 Gathering your

3 He reads The
Spoke.

laundry and driving to your parents house to use their washer and dryer.

21 to 30 points
Your Soul Mate is any guy within 5 miles of here. Take your pick.

And now for the Men!

Your favorWhats your ite type of biggest music is: date deal1 Whatever will breaker?
get me laid.

Take this quiz and find out which Cosmospoke Girl is Your Soul Mate! (ok, we know that traditionally guys dont fill out quizzes but you never knowit might help)

You have a huge crush on the following celebrity:

1 Emma Stone. 2 Stephen
Colbert. wife

Wheres the 4 craziest spot What on campus do you that youd consider to hook up with be the ideal a girl? date? 1 Under a table
1 A giant burger
followed by sex.

1 None. I just
want sex.

2 Dude, are

during the Moonlight Breakfast at the DUC. SAAC.

2 Seriously, none.
I just want sex. the Wheel.

you listening? Whatever will get me laid.

2 In the pool at the 3 In a tent on the

2 Chicken

3 She writes for

3 OK, I kind of like

Balmorhea.

3 Kim Jong Uns

shawarma followed by sex.

3 Sex.

quad during a Sodexo protest.

Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

Youre hanging out with your best friend at Steady Hand when a cute girl walks in. What do you do?
1 Walk over and
offer to buy her a drink.

Whats your favorite Im hot outfit?

1 A rented tux. 2 Boxers covered
in Oreo crumbs. condom.

How would you describe the perfect Emory girl?

1 She is smart,
funny and willing to have sex with me. funny, and might have sex with me in the future, under certain conditions.

Which activity is most relaxing for you?

1 Running 5 miles 2 Asking Siri
through Druid Hills.

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3 Lube and a

2 She is smart,

inappropriate questions.

2 Walk over and

What is your sexiest feature?

1 Your abdominal
muscles.

3 Signing up for

Massive Open Online Courses (MOOCs).

3 She is willing to
talk to me.

challenge her to a topless game of pool. panic, turn around and walk away.

3 Walk over,

2 Your brain. 3 Your spleen.

The breakdown 1 to 30 points

Your Soul Mate could be the girl over there, but maybe soul mate is too lofty a goal for now. Youre a student! Enjoy yourself! A girlfriend is good enough for now.

COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

Croc, Lock

& Drop it

A FASHION PHENOM

Lets face it: Crocs are hot! Like a river of hot lava flowing through a spruce forest, Crocs are burning up the Emory fashion landscape like never before! And its not just their wearers that are sizzling; crocs have been burning through the wallets of the average Emory undergrad and teacher, each eager to get their hands on some of these steamy shoes. Catherine Taylor, senior and widely considered to be the starter of the crocs trend at Emory this Spring, gave the Spoke an exclusive window into her decision to wear crocs on that fateful day: I woke up at 3pm to make it to my Wednesday class after a long night of partying. I realized after I got out of bed that I was too hungover to put on real shoes, but I probably needed to get to class wearing something other than leggings and a tank top. The rest is history.
Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

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Crocs are essential for todays Emory alpha male, and they are the fuel and fire that power the Sig Nu swagger. They are unbeatable workout shoes! brother Logan Greene told the Spoke. When you are in the gym getting swol, what you need is footwear that can show off your pectoral muscles. Crocs are obviously perfect for that. The size! The shape! Crocs have a certain odeur de la fashionabl. They are great for flirting with the ladies, fellow bro Terrence Alvarez chimed in. If you know what I mean he added. Fashionistas like Ralph Lauren give Crocs their brand of approval because of their aesthetically pleasing oblong shape. Its definitely the oblong, Crocs expert Susan Sharpe said. As the logical king of all shapes, its natural that shoes that are oblong would have an advantage. Science also shows that oblong shapes are favored in natural selection or something. Sneakers. Hah! So pass! Sharpes new book, Crocs: the Secret to Ultimately and Once and For All Acquiring the Perfect Body hits the shelves this fall. Some have remarked that Crocs holes make them not suitable for rain. Miss Sharpe says that this is but mere naivet and offers a convenient fix readers can do in their own home, Simply apply a layer of duct tape on top of each hole until the hole closed and airtight. That way, the water will flow straight into the back of the shoe and not through the holes and eventually exit through the convenient open back of the shoe! You could also wear crocs under your rain boots until you get to your destination. Crocs even breathed new life into campus media. Emory TV, reeling from the loss of The Dooley Show, made a huge comeback thanks to a Crocs infomercial that hit the airwaves. Last week, Emory TV reported a 100% increase in the number of viewers, no doubt due to the infomercial. Officials confirmed this percentage, mentioning that the two new viewers spent the majority of their time on the Crocs channel. There are so many colors to choose from! Tiffany Li, sophomore, commented on the program: I can get red Crocs, pink Crocs, red Crocs, and other colors! She adds that disdain for Crocs was so last fashion trend. When asked for a presidential take on this crocs commotion, President Wagner told the Spoke that Im just glad you arent writing another article about me. Kendrick Lamar, after hearing about Emorys Croc Craze from news sources, vowed never to return here.

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COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

Looking for a good time? Call Gary! 1-800-LOB-STER

If you bring the butter, hell bring the cracker ;)

ASK HIM ANYTHING

Love, Lust & Lectures

Office Hours
Love advice from a professor whos too tenured to care

A. Philly Cheesesteak, look in the mirror and ask yourself one question: would I look more masculine if I wore a brassiere? If the answer is yes, your girlfriend probably looks at you and sees a greasy stack of gooey provolone and shredded sirloin. And you know what, son? Theres nothing wrong with that, except if shes a vegetarian. If so, I suggest you start wearing a lot of green and entwining a few fig branches in your hair. However, I do recognize that most of the time these opinions of scrutiny we imagine our significant others, family, friends, and strangers are thinking are in reality our own projections of inner doubts. So Im going to give you some advice, son: advice that will quell your bodily paranoia. First, go to your local grocery store or rifle through your neighbors garbage can and get a bottle of ranch dressing. Take said dressing, stand in front of a full length mirror butt naked, and slowly squeeze the milky ranch on your chest. Watch the drizzles of white roll down your deflated pectorals, hump over you protruding stomach, and descend to your special warzone. You will be turned on. Do not be alarmed. Embrace your manly beauty and roar loud and hard. Your girlfriend will hear your cry of raw masculine energy and rush in. Before she devours you, take one last look in the mirror and say, You, Sergeant Philly Steak, are one hot mother fucker. And, remember, top your Willie with a nice and sturdy hat. Safe sex is the best sex.

Q.

Q.
Im worried that my girlfriend thinks Im fat. - Phil

My boyfriend is afraid of going down on me. He says it reminds him of when his mother used to make him eat all of his peas at dinner. I call bullshit. But since I know the male-ego is as fragile as an over-ripe kiwi, how can I manipulate him to go spelunking down my Mammoth Cave* without squashing his fruit? - Agnus

A. Back in Vietnam my commander had a saying that

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goes a little something like this, Close your eyes and shoot and hope that you get the guy on the other side. He was a foolish man with an IQ of a faulty AK-47. You must be cognizant of your objective and the obstacles that stand in your way. I know you may be wondering what a crotchety old war vet knows about pull of lust, but even though I may need an oil barrels worth of Viagra to get my bazooka pointing North (OK, maybe Northwest), I still have my memories. Memories of Vietnam Oh, yeah. Nam was a bastard of a war. It left its soldiers, North and South, cold and hungry for two legs to wrap around their waists and a whisper in their ears saying, Take me home. Let me be your hero. I was a horny son-of- a-gun, horniest of my brigade, so I know the feeling, the ache, of a tingle down under that can only be soothed by the skilled tongue of a quadrilingual, cynical Washington Post reporter desperate for the next Pulitzer. Take charge of your destiny, Jones. If hes too chicken shit to trek down to your AO, sit your surly civilian down and give him an ultimatum: He either takes the voyage to your secret garden or you change the lock to the gates of your Eden. If he acquiesces to your request, be sure to show him the ropes. No one wants a trigger-happy cadet traipsing through their boonies. And if he refuses, I know several vets that would be perfectly happy to take up the mission.

COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

you. I have never been in this situation. Each one of my lovers was always 100 percent invested in fulfilling my needs and borderline obsessed with me. Why wouldnt they? I was an attentive lover. I was aggressive and wild like a tiger, yet sweet like a frog. I remember when I was a sprite 45 years old and World War II was raging in full force. Id just left my tent after having the blitzkrieg rubbed out of my feet by an Australian beauty. It was raining, but the cool water felt like Mother Natures sweet kiss against my burning skin. I stood there contemplating what had just transpired and how much I enjoyed our time together. Then, a soft whisper tickled my ear, I had a wonderful time, Captain. And I knew, at that moment, that our bliss was perfection. She was satisfied and I My hands are starting to cramp from an arthritis was happy. Thats all that matters, Derrick. As long as you know flare up, so Im going to make my answer short and to your boyfriend is happy with you, it should not matter if his blood the point. Madam R, I suggest you bench press your simmers at the sight of taut breasts. boyfriend down a small flight of stairs, go to a bar, and Professor Hemsworth, its been find a jolly sailor who will, in the words of the late and illustrious Aaliyah, rock your boat.

Q.

Im worried that my boyfriend may be straight. How should I bring this up without it being awkward? - Derrick

A. I am going to be totally honest with

A.

I was bench pressing a tractor trailer tire when my boyfriend came up to me, trembling and shit, and said, Babe, my bros have been saying that youre a little too swoll. Maybe you should calm down on the weight lifting. Ive always been confident in my body but hearing that shit from my boyfriend has kind of shaken me up. What should I do that wont get me arrested?

Q.

Q.

A. No. How about you relieve that frustration with some good
ole boot knocking, and never email me about this trivial tripe again. And remember, rubber your slugger.

five weeks since we took our last test. Could you please post our grades? - Frustrated Student

Q.

No one loves me. Help. - J.

A. Heres my address:

123 Love Duck Lane, Atlanta, GA 30302

ESASS

Peer Tutoring

Its 3 a.m. Youve got a lab report due at 8:30. But how can you be expected to get anything done when theres a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon on TLC? You need ESASS! Our ESASS tutors are equipped with an arsenal of snarky comments and mild weaponry to whip even the most hopeless procrastinators into top academic shape. By selecting the uniquely motivational ESASS experience, youll receive encouragement such as: Girl, you know your looks wont get you no MRS degree.

We know the story.

Im sorry, are you pre-med or pre-broke? Get on it, bitch! ESASSWe dont just tutor you, we tutor you.

Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

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Hands

First of all, where are they? If his hands are in his front pockets he may be shy, or bored, but this body language cue alone is not enough to determine his interest in you. If his hands are down his pants, it could indicate his interest in becoming a TSA agent, and he is merely practicing how to look for explosives in underwear. However, if he puts his hands in his pants when youre both at the World of Coca-Cola, it could be that he managed to steal the secret formula from the vault and is attempting to hide it. Still, this body language may indicate hes just plain gross. This one is a tough call. Keep looking for additional non-verbal cues. If his hands are on your breasts, hes definitely interested in you.

Body language:
Is he hot for you?

Legs

If he is running away from you he is either very shy, or being chased by law enforcement authorities. Be patient and wait for additional nonverbal cues once he gets released from jail. If he is in a standing position and moves his right leg behind his left, then his left behind his right, then a left kick and right kick while moving in a circle, then hes dancing the Horah. LChaim! If he places his legs directly on top of your legs, especially if you are both lying down, it is a safe bet that he is interested in you.

If youre totally psyched about the new guy you just met at Emory but not sure if hes into you, dont despair! While his words may convey much of what he thinks, his body language will speak volumes! The eyes reveal much of his interest, for example, if he holds your gaze for longer than 5 seconds hes interested. When observing his non-verbal communication, be careful not to focus on just one body part or you may miss an important cue. For instance, he may be looking at another girl but what about the rest of his body? If his torso is facing you, its a safe bet that youre the one he wants! Use the helpful guide below to help you decode the non-verbal cues youre receiving from that special guy.

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COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

Medulla Oblongata Arms

If both arms are crossed in front of him he may be disinterested in further interaction, or he could be overly full from dinner at Pig N Chik. Check for additional cues that might help you determine his interest. If he holds his arms out in front of him with a slight bend in the elbow and both palms facing forward and he moves his hands up, down, and over his head while his arms remain in the same position, hes a mime trapped in an invisible box. Call Emory Police immediately. If his arms are stretched outward, reaching toward your breasts, hes definitely interested in you.

Feet

(for girls with access to an MRI)

If his MRI indicates that his medulla oblongata is normal and functioning properly, he will probably want to touch your breasts, regardless of whether or not he is interested in you.

If he is sitting across from you, look at his feet. If his feet are pointing toward each other, he could be feeling insecure. Quickly say, I think youre hot. Lets have sex! If his feet remain pointing toward each other, hes not interested in you. If he is passed out face down on the ground with his feet pointing away from you he might not be interested in you, but keep in mind he is too wasted to send the correct nonverbal cue. Observe his body language once he sobers up. If he attempts to touch your breasts with his feet, call a doctor because hes probably sustained an injury to his hands. Oh, and he is also interested in you.

If youve successfully navigated the myriad of body language cues and hooked up with the Emory man of your dreams, congratulations! If your relationship becomes long-term, your verbal communication may slow down and body language will become the main method of communication. However, keep an eye out for non-verbal cues that may indicate your love is on the rocks.

Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

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Fun, Fearless Confessions

COSMOSPOKES Top 5 Hottest Hookups

in Emorys History
3 1

4. Emorys First Coed Freshman Class

1953 was the first year Emory let in a coed freshmen class, and the consequences were disastrous. Up until then American society was highly segregated by gender, and parents often kept the existence of the opposite sex a secret from their boys until they were 22. The sudden appearance of women was literally mindblowing to many of the young men in the college. The only photographed head-combustion was of sophomore Jordan Levitz, approximately five seconds after he saw freshman Elizabeth Walden. At the time this was considered second base.

1. John Emory & Brigham Young

The first one on our list has perhaps had the biggest impact on Emory University. Both already well-established preachers by the 1830s, it is believed John and Briggy met in 1831 at Johns album release party for his lecture compilation Born Again or Die Tryin. After several years of keeping the affair a secret, John began to fear the growing speculation about their relationship, and he staged his own death in a gruesome carriage accident. As we all know, Emory University made John Emory its namesake, only to realize his death had been a hoax 50 years later when the two lovers were photographed tearing up downtown in a Model-T.

2. Timothy Buckworth & Janice Dalton

3. Dooleys Orgy

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Long thought to be anatomically incapable In 1862, the middle of the of fornication, Dooley Civil War, Union soldier proved Emorys medical Timothy Buckworth fell in minds wrong in the love with confederate nurse summer of 1976 when Janice Dalton when he he formed a sex cult was treated at the Emory and mated with several Hospital. They were married mortal female grad within a week, but Timothy students (pictured filed for divorce 30 years above). Within three later citing his wifes very months they gave birth uncomfortable, implicitly to the half-man, halfracist tangents about mascot abominations the Old South at family that formed the original reunions. Spoke staff.

5. Love on Twitter
2012 marked a relationship first at Emory, when two young lovers fell in and out of love without ever physically contacting or speaking with each other. It all started when @24blazeit retweeted the tweet Valentines Day fml by @ douevenswift. From there the relationship blossomed into a Facebook friendship, and after several weeks and many FB tags, the friendship developed into a joke domestic partner relationship status. They are still ironically together to this day, and have even made other people into ironic Facebook children.

COSMOSPOKE | Spring 2013

LETS PLAY DOCTOR He can listen to your heart even if you wont. Every girl wants him, and every premed guy wants to be him. Also, thanks to Obama your insurance now covers lovesickness.

neil shulman
HEY THERE, SEXY Given the choice between a guy with a great sense of humor and one with ripped pecs and piercing blue eyes and an exotic accent Im sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Neil wrote Doc Hollywood, which our grandmothers say is hilarious, and that makes him sexy.

hunk of the month:

Wed all love to routinely get physical with Dr. S. He blends the Im going to write the next great American novel sexiness of an acclaimed writer with the Im going to put food on the table sexiness of a Doctor. He is credited with saving more lives than any other doctor in history by not becoming a surgeon, one of many successful global health initiatives that hes led. Not to mention that hes confident. Lots of guys at Emory are ballsy enough to buy you a drink with their dads money, but only Neils got the cajones to chat you up while youre eating at the DUC. Hes currently married with a child, but history shows that forbidden fruit always tastes sweeter.

HE EVEN LIFTS, BRO Dr. S can bench more than every brother in ZBT combined, and he throws better parties than they do, too. Unlike the average male senior citizen who works out at the WoodPEC, Neil prefers to keep his shirt on. Wed like him to reconsider.

Spring 2013 | COSMOSPOKE

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