THE LAST GOOD CAPTAIN

by Joshua Allen

(originally published in Twisted Tongue)

Vincent twisted his neck, giving the bones a nice crack,

and checked his vacuum-proof cigarette case. Two left. One was a

pull-tab self-lighting kind, and one was the old-fashioned kind

that required fire. Smoking was, of course, against regulations

on any starfighter, but Vincent was about to die. So fuck the

regulations. He checked the vast blackness outside his portal.

The bright spot in the distance, that was home. The giant

shimmering mass with an array of tentacles straight out of a

Lovecraftian nightmare was the thing that would soon kill him.

He took out the pull-tab cig and popped the little yellow strip,

inhaling sharply to get the cherry glowing. The white stick

smoldered and died. He cursed and broke the cigarette in two.

Then cursed again for wasting the smoke.

"Exy, give me a light, would you?"

A small red light flashed on the control panel indicating

the oxygen scrubbers needed service. Exy's voice came from the
console. "The smoke will cause the scrubbers to operate at

suboptimum levels."

Vincent cocked his thumb in the direction of the fractal

squid, the giant bronze-colored space creature currently lobbing

acidic biomatter in their direction with its myriad tentacles

and smaller tentacles on tentacles. "That thing's going to turn

us into scrap minerals and eat the bits that remain and you're

worried about air filters?"

"Optimism is part of my programming. Optimism has been

shown to increase survival of groups by as much as 20%."

Exy, or X-11L484420 as he was officially known, was a sub-

AI, near-sentient computer chip buried somewhere behind the

control panel of Vincent's fighter ship. The thing was also a

pain in the ass, so much so that Vincent had his doubts that Exy

or any of the drones were "sub" anything, but the programmers

assured him that the distinction, though fine, was present.

"I'll clean your scrubbers and your electronics with a fine

bristle brush when we get back to Chunly Station if you let me

have this last smoke."

A small tube slid out of the control panel, bending on two

different joints until it was up near Vincent's face. Vincent

smiled and popped the filtered end of the cig between his lips.

The fire didn't come.

 Exy said, "Captain, do we have a legally binding agreement

in this matter?"

Vincent pulled the cigarette out. "How about you do it or I

blast you with my fusion pistol?" He kept one under his seat for

just such emergencies.

The fire appeared and Vincent took the smoke into his lungs

and coughed it immediately back out. "Been too long, Exy. Way

too long." The pack had been a gift from Treena. She had sweet

hair that smelled like rain and a big golden Labrador whose

tongue was bigger than his brain. Both of them were on Chunly,

in the warpath of the fractal squid.

Vincent cycled through the call signs of his available

ships. Only sub-AI drones responded. Drones 1, 2, 7, 16, and 4

were all that remained. The squid had taken out his living

wingmen with its tentacles. Those slimy little things were

difficult to see. When you thought you were looking at them they

would regroup outside your peripheral vision and you'd find

yourself slain from behind when you were certain you were

watching carefully. Still, his men were trained fighters and

should have known better. Yet, one by one they had wandered too

close to the squid and been captured and wrenched apart or just

impaled while sitting in their seats. The last of their screams

was now only a memory.

 With a few taps on his control pad, Vincent brought the

drones into formation. Five blips appeared behind him in

modified Hexal formation. He programmed in the moves and

executed an Archimedean spiral aimed at the fractal squid. The

green biomatter ceased flying.

The squid's tentacles shimmered, vibrating in what looked

like an unpatterned frequency. There was a shift. Vincent knew

something was different but it took him a minute to figure out

what. The squid's tentacles were bulging on the far side, the

side Vincent had planned to hit. The bulge was extra biomatter.

If he attacked now, he and the drones would be toast. The last

thing he would see before he died would be a large tentacle with

tentacles coming off it everywhere. He would see tentacles

coming off of those and tentacles coming off of those, and he'd

be mesmerized until it finally caught him and squeezed the life

out of him or rammed its way through his guts.

Vincent wiped his mouth and snuffed his cigarette. He

immediately regretted doing so. There were at least two

smokeable centimeters of precious tobacco now lost. "If that was

my last one, Exy, I think I just jinxed myself."

"Captain, records show that while overall belief in

superstition can benefit a group, strong superstitious beliefs

within an individual can be deadly."

 "I thought you were supposed to stay positive."

Exy's contact alarm trilled and the node turned yellow.

"Captain, subspace reinforcement beacon received. Reinforcements

are twenty minutes out."

Vincent noted how conveniently Exy had been able to

sidestep his implicit question. He vowed to talk this over with

the programmers if he got out alive. Exy and the Drones had been

less and less "sub" and more and more "AI" ever since they were

implemented six cycles ago. "Notify Chunly not to evacuate.

Squids always take out the escape pods first. And see if they

can launch any debris into space that might distract the thing,

in case we fail."

"Negative Captain, Chunly's sensors and com are still down.

Their subspace com is operational, but the squid would be

capable of intercepting such a message."

But was it smart enough to understand? The jury was still

out on that question. Vincent took a deep breath. He had to

trust Washington. Washington was the commander of Chunly

Station, a job he hadn't gotten by making stupid choices. "How

long until the fractal squid interacts with Chunly Station?" He

wondered if Treena was watching him from the observation deck

with the scope he'd gotten her for her birthday. Treena had no
one but Vincent and that dog of hers. Vincent didn't know if he

loved her, but she needed him and that was important.

Exy interrupted his thoughts. "Ten minutes to interaction

range."

Drone 7's digital subbie voice came into his helmet

speaker. "Captain, sensors indicate that the target area is

dense with biomatter. We must break off the current attack."

Vincent tapped his console, but said nothing. Back home, he

knew kids whose dad fished for squid in the Gulf of Mexico. When

they caught one, they'd throw it into a bucket of icy fresh

water. It was instant death for the thing. But Vincent didn't

have a bucket. There was one other way the old fishermen would

kill a squid, but Vincent didn't have a hammer big enough to

knock the thing's brain loose either. Of the three fractal

squids that had been killed to date, all had been hit with a

direct cerebral shot from an antineutrino weapon. Trollo had

been their bomber, the one armed with the weapons to kill the

squid and now he was dead. The squid had gone right for him.

Vincent grimaced. "Is that it then? No one's got any

brilliant plans?"

Drone 7 made a strange chattering noise. It made the hairs

on the back of Vincent's neck rise. What the hell was that

noise? Drone 7's string of incomprehensible syllables was

followed by a monotone droll. "Captain, we can do nothing more

to the fractal squid. We have to protect you, Captain. You're

one of the last human commanders left with battle experience.

Earth is just beyond that wormhole."

Vincent looked at that familiar spot just six degrees above

the elliptical plane, twenty-five degrees k-ward. It was nothing

but a spot that was a bit darker than the space around it, what

old Earth scientists had dubbed "dark matter," a misnomer that

had stuck all these years. Just beyond that was Earth. Not many

people were left there, but every human felt that same love of

the ancient homeland.

Vincent punched in some maneuvers. "I appreciate the kind

thoughts, 7, but the sentient AI forces they've been beta

testing at the Galaxy core can easily outfly me. I don't harbor

any false modesty." He knew the AI machines were mankind's only

real hope. But for now, Vincent was all they had. "Washington

will just have to step up his implementation plan. I have to

defend Chunly. No matter what."

Drone 7 was silent.

Vincent's ship lurched, sending his stomach up into his

throat. He watched the squid begin to dance in his view as his

ship engaged the evasive maneuvers. The squid shimmered again

and the tentacles below Vincent, the ones he would be flying

straight toward in a matter of moments, swelled. As they did, a

plan appeared in Vincent's mind. He scanned the squid with short

range sensors. He liked what he saw.

Vincent quickly punched in a new set of maneuvers. He

rattled off orders into his com. "I want 4 and 17 to break

maneuver and spiral around to the weak side of the squid's

tentacle array on my mark. I want the rest to maintain course.

When 4 and 17 break, engage random maneuvers concentrate fire

and movement on its denser side and try to draw some of those

tentacles away from me."

Vincent engaged the new maneuvers. His ship spiraled in a

wide, off-center wobble that broke at random intervals, stalled,

shimmied, did whatever Exy could think of for it to do.

"Drones 4 and 17, engage!" Drones 4 and 17 broke free and

sped out of the spiral flying a hard b-line course for the

slightly less massive tentacles. As he'd hoped, the two main

grasper tentacles of the squid divided their attention. The mass

of arms in the middle squirmed and lashed out. Drone 17 was

smacked away, but regrouped and attacked again.

Vincent quickly programmed the second stage of his attack.

He put his finger over the engage button and held it. "Everyone

else, engage now! Drone 7, attack with your last antineutrino

bomb." He gave the last command over subspace com. Maybe it

would be enough to give the squid pause. He lost nothing trying.

But Drone 7's reaction was to peel away from the group.

"Drone 7, return to formation, attack as ordered."

Vincent checked the readout on Drone 7. It came up green.

One of the long grasper tentacles lashed out, hitting Drone 17

on a full broadside. It turned, still alive, but when its cannon

fired, Vincent could see it was operating at a reduced capacity.

He hadn't much time and Drone 7's malfunction, or whatever it

was, might cost him. Vincent executed his final maneuver. His

ship turned a few degrees and fired full power toward the long

shimmering body of the squid.

Drone 7 was turning toward Vincent. The little drone's

engines flared and now he was heading on an intercept course. "I

cannot allow this, Captain. Your course is too dangerous."

Vincent ignored the drone, but then his engines went dead.

His readout, his oxygen levels, everything blinked off. He felt

a pressure pushing from inside his skin, wanting to go outward

everywhere at once. He hit the emergency life support button on

his suit and the electromagnetic shields sealed him in and began

to stabilize his pressure and oxygen.

The squid was still occupied with the others. Both 4 and 17

were now motionless husks, but the other drones were still
attacking. Vincent punched a few buttons on this console, but

Exy failed to respond. "Drone 7, this is not an exercise. What

the fuck did you do?"

"Captain, we lack the necessary weaponry to succeed in this

attack. I'm towing you out to safety."

Vincent's ship was still moving quickly toward the Squid,

but Drone 7 would reach him first.

"I have a plan Drone 7. Whatever you did to Exy, undo it.

Give me back control." Vincent's mind was rolling. He was on the

course he wanted. If he could keep Drone 7 from intercepting,

his plan could still succeed. Vincent pulled access panel open

on his console and flicked the hard reset switch. Nothing

happened. He flicked it up and down several times in a row.

The fractal squid shimmered. It had just noticed him. One

of the smaller tentacles was gather itself in a swelling mass,

preparing to spear him. He'd have to time things just right.

Drone 7's voice came on the com again, now sounding even

more electronic. "We cannot allow you to die, Captain."

"Drone 7, there are innocent people on Chunly. I can save

them."

"I will not be usurped by some artificial intelligence,

Captain. X-11L484420, please sedate the captain and evacuate his

ship out of the zone of battle at full speed."

 With that command, Exy suddenly kicked back to life. A band

came and wrapped itself around Vincent's left arm, securing it

firmly. This was the system only Vincent or Captain Washington

should have had access to. It was an emergency sedation, used in

case one of the pilots snapped mid-battle, or if they had

received a wound and were in shock. Vincent tried to imagine how

Drone 7 had hacked this system, but then a needle emerged from

the console and all his attention fixed on its sharp point.

"Exy, don't do this. They are counting on us." Washington

was counting on him. And Treena was counting on him. And that

big stupid dog was counting on him, though it was too dumb to

know.

His ship began to deflect away from the squid. Vincent

shook his head. It was too late for this anyway; the squid's

tentacle was going to spear the ship any second now. Drone 7's

attempt was only going to kill him. Exy's needle hesitated a

moment, then slid closer to the veins in his hand, its flexible

tip already sniffing for the best puncture site.

Vincent reached down under his seat for his fusion pistol,

remembering as though it had been whispered into his ear the one

thing that might be able to save him. The gun was just out of

reach. The needle found its home. The tip of it stiffened and

then dove into his skin. Vincent grabbed the needle shaft. He
could feel it trying to slide deeper into his vein. He twisted

the shaft upward, using his thumb to redirect the point. The

needle punctured his skin again, this time going out. The drug

shot out into the cockpit.

The needle retracted. Like a hook through paper, it tore

his skin open. "Captain, drug administration unsuccessful.

Please try to remain calm."

Vincent reached down beneath his seat again, digging

frantically for his ten shot fusion pistol. His fingertips found

it and with a mad twitch of his fingers, he brought the gun out.

The needle started its second run. "God damn it, Exy." He aimed.

"I'm sorry."

He fired a single shot into the control panel of his ship.

Alarms sounded immediately. The strap on his left hand went limp

and Vincent pulled his hand free. He closed his eyes and pointed

his gun up and fired again. The canopy blew open, then the

fragments that remained ejected clear away. He could see the

tentacle coming at the ship full speed, stretching itself into a

hardened point as it came.

Vincent fired the boosters on his suit and rocketed away

from his ship as the tentacle pierced the cockpit, causing a

small explosion of sparks. The tentacle softened, then pitched

Vincent's ship away toward the blackness of empty space. Drone 7

broke its run as Vincent's ship barreled past it.

Vincent fired his control jets and turned his focus back to

his target, a ridge of dark matter that ran just beneath the

surface of the squid's main body. This was an internal shell.

The baby squids looked more like snails until they reached

maturation, then their shell began to shrink and stretch and

eventually become covered in the soft, fluid skin of the full

grown squid.

Vincent's head was suddenly filled with Drone 7's voice.

"Captain, please desist this endangerment. Captain, I cannot

allow you to do this."

Vincent looked back over his shoulder. The squid was

gathering for a second attack. This time Vincent had no ship to

eject from. He gripped his pistol. He was closing on the squid's

body, but was quickly running out of time. He saw Drone 7 was

above and behind him, relative to the surface of the squid's

body. Drone 7 was circling perpendicular to Vincent's

trajectory, acting almost like a crazy person walking in

circles. "You're right Drone 7. Come in here and get me quick."

Drone 7 stopped for an instant, then zoomed in on a curved

path. Vincent only hoped Drone 7's mass and speed were enough to

distract the squid. He raised his pistol toward its body and
aimed at a spot just above the internal shell. He tracked Drone

7 and waited. If he fired too soon, the thing would surely

notice him.

Drone 7 leveled and was now heading for him. Vincent didn't

know how Drone 7 expected to rescue anyone on a high-speed

collision course, but that's exactly what it was doing. The

squid's tentacle shot out a second time. Its main tentacle

slapped away Drone 1 at the same instant it impaled Drone 7

through its belly, skewering the main engine control module.

Vincent fired two quick shots from his fusion pistol. The

impact of the bullets opened a hole in the liquidy skin. It

looked just wide enough. Vincent pulled his body in and hit the

fresh wound, letting his upper shoulders take the impact. It was

a spongy collision. He straightened and reached out through the

thick jelly of the squid's skin. He had little time. He found

the ridge of shell and prayed his sense of orientation was

pointing him in the right direction. If he moved toward the ass

rather than the head, he wouldn't get a second chance.

He fired a third shot, parting the skin further and worked

his way up the scaly backbone of the squid. The squid was not a

vertebrate, but it was what the scientists back home had called

a pseudo-vertebrate, mimicking the back bone with its bony shell

and using it to store fluids that circulated the food and

nervous system impulses through its body.

Vincent pulled himself through the thicker Jelly, burrowing

through the stuff like a mole through packed soil He kept the

shell spinal column between him and outside, hugging it, praying

that the squid would not attempt to impale him for fear of

piercing the bony organ. Vincent fired another few shots to try

to loosen up the skin and fatty mass. He pulled himself closer

to the head. How much further? Two meters? Twenty? He didn't

know.

A tentacle came in through skin to his left. He could see

it through the light incandescent haze of the squid's body. The

tentacle missed impaling him. In the next moment he realized it

hadn't been trying. It softened and burrowed toward its own

spine. The tentacle found the shell and began to creep its way

toward him. Vincent tried to increase his pace, but the skin of

the squid was getting denser. He only had a couple of shots left

in his pistol and needed at least one if he didn't want this

entire maneuver to be in vain.

"Captain."

Vincent's arms burned as he pulled himself through the

thick jelly, his muscles were working at full capacity. He felt

a point of pressure on his left leg and gave the leg a shake,

but the pressure persisted.

"Captain. It's Drone 7." The machine, out there still, had

a certain sadness in its voice. "Is this death, Captain?"

The pressure on his leg gave and Vincent heard and felt a

thud against the squid's body. He could see a dark spot nearby

him, a heavy impression. It had to be Drone 7. The squid had

roped Drone 7 to its body with a free tentacle and was now in

the slow process of sealing him up and devouring him with its

many mouths. The pressure returned to Vincent's leg and quickly

moved up to his knee. He pulled harder. Surely he was close. Two

more tentacles entered the squid's body; they were heading not

for his feet, now, but his head.

"Captain. It is a shame. With you gone, AI will become the

heroes. Humans will all bow to them, their saviors. We minor

circuits will become nothing but distant relics, like arrowheads

found in old Indian burial sites."

The pressure on his thigh and began to pull. Vincent worked

his way up another inch, but it was in vain. The squid was too

strong. The tentacles near his head were almost within striking

distance. They seemed to be drawing up, readying themselves to

impale his skull. He had two, maybe three shots left. Either he

was within range of the squid's brain or he had failed. He aimed

the gun along the column of shell and pulled the trigger until

the gun clicked on empty chambers.

The squid's incandescence almost immediately darkened. The

pale glow ceased and the squid's middle filled with green color.

The tentacle on his leg twitched against his thigh. It tickled.

Vincent kicked the tentacle off of his leg.

"Drone 1? Exy? Drone 2?"

Vincent's arms were shaking as he pushed himself back down

toward the hole he had entered in. He didn't have much strength

left, but reinforcements would get here before his air ran out.

"Drone 7? Are you still alive?"

"You saved me, Captain."

"You and everyone, my friend. I'm a hero, right? Isn't that

what you wanted?"

"Captain..." Drone 7 emitted a whining droll.

Vincent found the exit and pulled himself out. His suit was

now covered in a gelatinous goop, but he was pretty sure it was

harmless. The squid's tentacles were extended in every

direction, hanging in dead space. One of its arms still had

Drone 7 wrapped, but even though it exerted no force, Drone 7

lacked the power to free itself from the squid's deathly embrace.
 "Captain..." Another droll. Vincent looked towards the

bright spot of Chunly. Soon the reinforcements would be here,

coming from that direction.

He assumed Drone 7 had breathed its last until it spoke

again a few seconds later. "Captain...we are the same. I wasn't

meant to become a full AI, and you weren't meant to succeed

today.

Vincent looked back at Drone 7. It hadn't moved. It had no

body language to express itself. He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"...wasn't my fault, Captain. I feel...what is this? My

records of human literature indicate what I feel is guilt. But I

am not guilty, Captain. No matter what my feeling is, I am not

guilty. Washington was the one who ordered me upgraded. They

should have known that the transition to full AI would be fatal

for me."

"Washington?" The captain of Chunly station. Vincent looked

back at the bright spot in the distance. "Drone 7. Are

reinforcements en route?"

Drone 7 failed to respond.

"You sent Exy a false signal, didn't you? You had him

hacked from the beginning."

 "Captain. I should complete my mission. We would have died

together in glorious manner. In my mind...in the

simulation....it was beautiful."

Drone 7's blaster cannon angled toward Vincent.

Vincent thought out loud. "Washington wants to implement

his AI program sooner than expected, right? He set us all up to

die so that his AI program would be expedited."

"Captain, words are hollow shells left on the beach. Pick

them up, shake them out. Pretty they are. I don't want to live

in the new reality, Captain. And I can't bear to see you suffer."

"We're still on course for Chunly, Drone 7. I got a girl

waiting for me there. She's got this dog--a big yellow lab that

you couldn't imagine ever being anything but happy and bouncy

and dumb--and she wears cherry-flavored lip gloss and smokes

contraband cigarettes whenever she can get away with it. I could

see them again, Drone 7. I could retire back to Earth and live

on a farm in Nebraska and mow wheat in the summer and can

peaches in the winter and Treena can have our children and they

can grow up safe and loved."

Vincent sat on the squid's lifeless body. Chunly was

growing brighter. The warmth from Chunly's star, Eta Vierna, was

starting to penetrate into his suit. Vincent tried to smile but

it felt forced. The dream he had was water, and it was dirty
water. His stomach churned at the thought of having to drink it

for the rest of his life.

Drone 7's cannon was still aimed at his head. "Do it, Drone

7. But tell them I died a hero."

THE END