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Star
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Common Sense Ideas
For Career & Life Success
BUD BILANICH
The Common Sense Guy
Other B ook s b y
Bud Bilan i c h
Supervisory Leadership and the New Factory
Using Values to Turn Vision into Reality
Four Secrets of High Performance Organizations
Leading With Values
Fixing Performance Problems: Common Sense Ideas That Work
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Praise for Bud Bilanich’s
Previous Books
Using Values to Turn Vision Into Reality

“A simple but powerful book. Read it!”
Ken Blanchard
“Refreshing and useful. Effectively takes important leadership concepts and brings
them to life.”
Peggy Williams, President, Ithaca College
“An excellent ‘how to’ book on turning vision and values into value-added results.”
Eric Harvey, Co-author “Walk the Talk…and Get the Results You Want”
4 Secrets of High Performing Organizations
“Elegantly simple.”
Karen Katen, President, Pfizer Global Pharmaceuticals
Executive Vice President, Pfizer Inc.
“Simple but powerful concepts.”

Chase Carey, CEO, Fox Television
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“Full of wisdom that applies to leaders of all types of organizations.”
John Arigoni, President and CEO,
Boys and Girls Clubs of Metro Denver
“Any leader, from CEO to mail room supervisor, will find easy-to-use ideas in
this book.”
Ron Guziak, Executive Director, Hoag Hospital Foundation
Supervisory Leadership and the New Factory
“This book is must reading for anyone interested in managing an effective

manufacturing organization.”
Tony Maddaluna, Vice President Manufacturing, Europe Pfizer Inc.
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Star
Power
Common Sense Ideas
BUD BILANICH
Bud Bilanich
Th e C o m m o n S ense Guy
Copyright © 2007 Bud Bilanich
All rights reserved.
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Table of Contents
Preface............................................................................................................................... 3
Introduction . .................................................................................................................... 5
Part 1
Chapter 1 H Personal Responsibility...........................................................7
Chapter 2 H Five Pillars of Success...........................................................11
Part 2
Chapter 3 H Self-Confidence..................................................................... 37
Snippet 1: Wikipedia on Self-confidence............................................................... 38
Snippet 2: Ilise Benum on Self-confidence............................................................. 39
Snippet 3: Self-confidence Quote........................................................................... 43
Snippet 4: Arrogance and Humility........................................................................ 44
Snippet 5: Think TQ.............................................................................................. 47
Snippet 6: Attitude................................................................................................. 48
Snippet 7: Beliefs and Success................................................................................ 49
Snippet 8: The Dalai Lama and Self-confidence..................................................... 50
Snippet 9: Self-confidence Quote........................................................................... 51
Snippet 10: Fear and Self-confidence..................................................................... 52
Snippet 11: MindTools.com................................................................................... 54
Snippet 12: The Optimist Creed............................................................................ 56
Snippet 14: Common Sense Quote........................................................................ 58
Snippet 14: Our Deepest Fear................................................................................ 59
Snippet 15: Optimism in the Face of Adversity...................................................... 60
Snippet 16: Serena Williams.................................................................................. 62
Snippet 17: Mark Twain on Self-confidence........................................................... 64
Snippet 18: Dottie Walters, Optimist Extraordinaire.............................................. 66
Snippet 19: Be Positive........................................................................................... 68
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Snippet 20: Be Hardy............................................................................................. 70

Snippet 21: Jim Rohn on Facing Your Fears.......................................................... 72
Snippet 22: Ron White on Self-confidence............................................................. 74
Snippet 23: Surround Yourself With Positive People............................................. 76
Snippet 24: Erin Gruwell and Self-confidence........................................................ 78
Snippet 25: Some of my favorite quotes on self-confidence................................... 81
Snippet 26: Final Thoughts on Self-confidence...................................................... 84
Chapter 4 H Personal Impact.....................................................................87

Snippet 1: Telephone Etiquette.............................................................................. 88
Snippet 2: Dealing With a Colleague’s Grief.......................................................... 89
Snippet 3: Personal Impact Quote.......................................................................... 92
Snippet 4: Charisma............................................................................................... 93
Snippet 5: Business Meals...................................................................................... 95
Snippet 6: Enthusiasm........................................................................................... 97
Snippet 7: Handshakes.......................................................................................... 99
Snippet 8: Attire................................................................................................... 101
Snippet 9: What Not to Wear.............................................................................. 104
Snippet 10: Personal Impact Quote...................................................................... 105
Snippet 11: Steve Ventura on Appearance........................................................... 106
Snippet 12: Thank You Notes.............................................................................. 108
Snippet 13: The Power of Nice............................................................................ 111
Snippet 14: Dress One Step Up........................................................................... 113
Snippet 15: RudePeople.com............................................................................... 115
Snippet 16: Become Wildly Sophisticated............................................................ 118
Snippet 17: Sales Manners................................................................................... 123
Snippet 18: AskMen.com on Creating a Business Wardrobe for Men.................. 127
Snippet 19: Personal Impact Quote...................................................................... 133
Snippet 20: Random Thoughts on Personal Impact............................................. 134
Snippet 21: Basic Business Etiquette.................................................................... 135
Snippet 22: Alex Mandossian and “Attending”..................................................... 137
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Snippet 23: Erin Gruwell and Personal Impact.................................................... 139

Snippet 24: Some of my favorite quotes on personal impact................................ 141
Snippet 25: Final Thoughts on Personal Impact.................................................. 144
Chapter 5 H Outstanding Performance....................................................147

Snippet 1: How do you R.A.T.E.?........................................................................ 148
Snippet 2: Goals................................................................................................... 150
Snippet 3: Headaches........................................................................................... 152
Snippet 4: Everything Counts.............................................................................. 154
Snippet 5: Outstanding Performance Quote......................................................... 156
Snippet 6: Meaning, Thought Style, Action Style................................................. 157
Snippet 7: Sales Tough......................................................................................... 159
Snippet 8: Sharpen the Saw................................................................................. 161
Snippet 9: Time Management.............................................................................. 163
Snippet 10: More on Time Management.............................................................. 165
Snippet 11: Learning and Performance................................................................ 167
Snippet 12: Outstanding Performance Quote....................................................... 169
Snippet 13: Fortune Magazine on Excellence....................................................... 170
Snippet 14: Circadian Type.................................................................................. 172
Snippet15: Do a Good Job................................................................................... 174
Snippet 16: Be Better Than Yourself..................................................................... 176
Snippet 17: A Notebook Can Keep You Organized.............................................. 177
Snippet 18: The Question Behind the Question................................................... 178
Snippet 19: Today, Not Tomorrow...................................................................... 180
Snippet 20: How Stressed Are You?..................................................................... 182
Snippet 21: Managing Stress................................................................................ 188
Snippet 22: There Is No Small Stuff..................................................................... 189
Snippet 23: The Secret — Plus............................................................................ 190
Snippet 24: Erin Gruwell and Performance.......................................................... 192
Snippet 25: Some of my favorite quotes on outstanding performance.................. 194
Snippet 26: Final Thoughts on Outstanding Performance.................................... 197
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Chapter 6 H Communications Skills............................................................201

Snippet 1: Controlling Your Nerves During a Presentation.................................. 202
Snippet 2: Small Talk........................................................................................... 204
Snippet 3: Telephone Conversation Skills............................................................ 206
Snippet 4: Communication Skills Quote.............................................................. 209
Snippet 5: Email.................................................................................................. 210
Snippet 6: Proofreading and Editing Your Writing............................................... 212
Snippet 7: Presentations....................................................................................... 213
Snippet 8: Presentation Delivery.......................................................................... 219
Snippet 9: The Power of Stories........................................................................... 221
Snippet 10: The Power of “You”........................................................................... 224
Snippet 11: Write in the First Person................................................................... 226
Snippet 12: Write Simply and Clearly.................................................................. 227
Snippet 13: Communication Skills Quote............................................................ 229
Snippet 14: Shaun Fawcett on writing any business report.................................. 230
Snippet 15: Artful Persuasion............................................................................... 232
Snippet 16: Networking....................................................................................... 234
Snippet 17: J. Lyman MacInnis on Public Speaking............................................. 236
Snippet 18: A Reference Book for Communication.............................................. 238
Snippet 19: Finding Your Voice........................................................................... 240
Snippet 20: RadAir Andy and Conversation Skills............................................... 243
Snippet 21: Communication Skills Quote............................................................ 245
Snippet 22: Handling Questions in a Presentation............................................... 246
Snippet 23: Questions Keep Conversations Going............................................... 248
Snippet 24: Bafflegab Thesaurus.......................................................................... 250
Snippet 25: Erin Gruwell and Communication Skills........................................... 252
Snippet 26: Some of my favorite quotes on communication skills....................... 254
Snippet 26: Final Thoughts on Communication Skills......................................... 257
Chapter 7 H Interpersonal Competence...................................................261

Snippet 1: Fight Fair............................................................................................ 262
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Snippet 2: A Birthday Wish – and Interpersonal Competence............................. 264

Snippet 3: Barack Obama on Empathy................................................................ 265
Snippet 4: Resolving Interpersonal Conflict......................................................... 268
Snippet 5: Interpersonal Competence Quote....................................................... 269
Snippet 6: Feedback............................................................................................. 270
Snippet 7: Gitomer on Connections..................................................................... 272
Snippet 8: Gitomer on Building Rich Relationships............................................. 274
Snippet 9: Daniel Goleman on Social Intelligence................................................ 276
Snippet 10: Live in the Human Moment.............................................................. 278
Snippet 11: Listening........................................................................................... 279
Snippet 12: Interpersonal Competence Summary................................................ 280
Snippet 13: Interpersonal Competence Quote..................................................... 283
Snippet 14: Being a Team Player.......................................................................... 284
Snippet 15: Interaction Tips................................................................................. 286
Snippet 16: Art Rooney, The Pittsburgh Steelers and Interpersonal Competence 288
Snippet 17: Love is the Killer App....................................................................... 293
Snippet 18: Relationship Building........................................................................ 295
Snippet 19: The Secret to Resolving Conflict Positively........................................ 297
Snippet 20: Interpersonal Competence Quote..................................................... 300
Snippet 21: Know Yourself.................................................................................. 301
Snippet 22: Interpersonally Competent People Serve Others............................... 303
Snippet 23: More on Conflict Resolution............................................................. 305
Snippet 24: The No A**hole Rule........................................................................ 306
Snippet 25: Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict.................................................... 308
Snippet 26: Assertiveness..................................................................................... 310
Snippet 27: Erin Gruwell and Interpersonal Competence.................................... 312
Snippet 28: Some of my favorite quotes on interpersonal competence................. 314
Snippet 29: Final Thoughts on Interpersonal Competence.................................. 317
Chapter 8 H In Conclusion...........................................................................319
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“Success is more a function
of consistent common sense
than it is of genius.”
- An Wang
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Preface
I
’ve written this book in snippets—and I hope that you read it in snippets. Unlike
many books, you don’t have to read this one from beginning to end. While there is a
loose organizing principle—the five points on my Star Power Model: self-confidence,
personal impact, outstanding performance, communication skills and interpersonal compe-
tence—you don’t have to read front-to-back to take advantage of what’s here. I do suggest,
however, that you read Chapters 1 and 2 first. Chapter 1 explains the importance of taking
responsibility for your life and career. Chapter 2 is an overview of each of the points on
the Star Power model and will give you the grounding you need to get the most out of this
book. After you’ve read Chapters 1 and 2, skip around as things catch your eye.
In each of the five sections you’ll find the information presented in several different
ways. There are stories to help you understand the point I am making and quotes to help
you think. There are passages from other people’s writing (with full attribution of course)
because they make a point better than I could and there are checklists to help you evaluate
where you stand on the point that I am making.
I hope that you will find this hodge-podge of styles to be interesting and engaging. A lot
of the information in this book started out as posts to my blog, www.SuccessCommonSense.
com, so this book has the look, feel and informality of a blog. I like it that way; I hope you
do too.
My aim in using this style was to create a book that anyone could pick up anywhere
and read a few pages that would be helpful to him or her. That’s why it’s OK—no, even
preferred—that you skip around in the text. Read what catches your fancy. Sooner or later
you’ll get through the whole book.
I won’t feel bad if you keep this book in your bathroom, because bathrooms are a good
place to read in snippets. Of course, you can carry it with you and read it during your com-
mute or while you’re waiting for an appointment.
I do ask one thing of you though: use the stuff that you find helpful. This book is
designed to provide you with useful information and knowledge on becoming a success in
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your career and life—to become the star you are meant to be. But, as the US Steel pencils
my Dad would bring home from work used to say, “Knowing’s not enough.”
When I was a kid, I was really fascinated and puzzled by these pencils. “Knowing’s not
enough, what the hell does that mean?” I used to think. I spent hours struggling with that
idea; I was too stubborn to ask a grown-up.
When I got to college, I took a Philosophy course my freshman year. We had to read
Johann von Goethe. One day, as I was plowing through an assignment, I came across this
quote: “Knowing is not enough, we must do. Willing is not enough, we must apply.”
Boy, was I glad I took that course! It solved one of the profound mysteries of my child-
hood. “Knowing’s not enough.” As I get it, you have to take what you learn and use it, or
what you’ve learned isn’t very valuable.
And that’s my challenge to you. I’ve tried to present this material in such a manner that
it provides you with some ideas of what to do to become a success in your life and career.
It’s up to you to think about what’s here and decide if and how you are going to use it.
Good luck in becoming the success you are meant to be.
Bud Bilanich
Denver, Colorado
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Introduction
“Everybody’s a hero.
Everybody’s a star . . .
Everybody’s a dreamer.
It doesn’t matter who you are.
There are stars in every city.
In every house, and on every street . . .”
The Kinks
R
ay Davies and the Kinks got it right. The world is full of stars; not just in every
house and on every street, but in every office, school, factory, store, and labora-
tory—any and every place where people work. In this book, you’ll learn how you
too can become a star in your chosen field.
My name is Bud Bilanich. I’m known as “The Common Sense Guy.” I help people use and
apply their common sense: to build great careers, lead people and operate small businesses.
In this book, I will focus on using common sense to help you become a star in your career.
I’ve been studying successful people—career stars—for several years. In that time, I
have learned that all career stars have five things in common:
1. Stars are self-confident.
2. Stars have powerful personal impact.
3. Stars perform.
4. Stars have excellent communication skills.
5. Stars are interpersonally competent.
Let’s take a look at each of these five in a little more detail.
Self-confidence is the belief in yourself and your abilities. It is the foundation of success.
Virginia Woolf once said, “Without self-confidence we are as babes in the cradle.” All stars
are self-confident; they believe they can accomplish the goals they set for themselves. They
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take risks because they believe they will succeed. They know that their success, in life and
in their career, depends on their willingness and ability to take action.
Personal impact is your ability to present a positive, lasting impression with the people
you meet. When many people talk about “star power,” they are talking about personal
impact. Career stars engage people in a positive, confident manner. They are not overbear-
ing, nor are they retiring. They strike the correct balance and make a powerful personal
impact.
Performance distinguishes stars more than anything else. Career stars perform. They
set high goals for themselves, and then achieve them. Then they set even higher goals and
achieve those. They do this day after day, year after year. Stars ask for and take the difficult
jobs and then do them very well. Stars’ performance is like money in the bank. You can
count on them to do an excellent job—to perform.
Stars excel at three types of communication: they are excellent conversationalists; stars
write well—clearly and succinctly; and they are excellent presenters. Stars are able to get
their ideas across to an audience, whether it be two people or 200.
Finally, stars are interpersonally competent. They build strong, lasting, mutually
beneficial relationships with the people around them. People like and trust them. They
exude empathy. They are influential because they put people into their comfort zone. Stars
deal well with conflict; they look for and find resolutions that benefit and are agreeable to
everyone involved.
In the pages that follow, I’ll provide common sense advice on improving your self-
confidence, creating a powerful impact, ensuring high performance, developing your
communication skills and becoming interpersonally competent.
Each chapter will end with a real life example set by Erin Gruwell. If you don’t know
Erin Gruwell, you should. The movie Freedon Writers was based on her amazing story.
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Part 1: The Basics
Chapter 1
Personal Responsibility
T
he Star Power model has five points: self-confidence, personal impact, outstanding
performance, communication skills, interpersonal competence. Each of these is a
key factor in becoming a star in your career and life. However, there is one idea
that is so fundamental to becoming a star that it is the foundation on which all five of these
points rests: personal responsibility.
It’s simple really. Success is all up to you, and me, and anyone else who wants it. We all
have to take personal responsibility for our own success. I am the only one who can make
me a star; you are the only one who can make you a star.
Personal responsibility means recognizing that you are responsible for your life and the
choices you make. It means that you realize that, while other people and events have an
impact on your life, these people and events don’t shape your life. When you accept per-
sonal responsibility for your life, you own up to the fact that how you react to people and
events is what’s important. And you can choose how to react to every person you meet and
everything that happens to you.
The concept of personal responsibility is found in most writings on success. The first of
Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people is: “be proactive.” My friend John
Miller’s book, “QBQ: the Question Behind the Question,” asks readers to ask questions like:
“What can I do to become a top performer?” John Miller is suggesting that people take
responsibility for their lives, careers and success.
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A Message to Garcia is perhaps one of the best known tracts on personal responsibility.
It is an inspirational essay, written in 1899 by Elbert Hubbard, that has been made into two
movies. It was originally published as a filler without a title in the March, 1899, issue of
Philistine magazine, edited by Mr. Hubbard. However, it was quickly reprinted as a pamphlet
and a book, translated into 37 languages, and became well-known in American popular and
business culture until the middle of the twentieth century.
A Message to Garcia celebrates the initiative of a soldier who is assigned and accomplishes
a daunting mission. He asks no questions, makes no objections, requests no help, but
accomplishes the mission. The essay exhorts the reader to apply this attitude to his or her
own life as an avenue to success. Its wide popularity reflects the general appeal of self-reliance
and energetic problem-solving in American culture. Its “don’t ask questions, get the job
done” message was often used by business leaders as a motivational message to their
employees. It was given to every United States sailor and marine in both world wars, and
often memorized by schoolchildren.
The historical setting of the essay was the onset of the Spanish-American War in 1898.
As the American army prepared to invade the Spanish colony of Cuba, they wished to contact
the leader of the Cuban insurgents, who controlled the plains of the Cauto, to coordinate
strategy; or at least prevent him pursuing a conflicting strategy. This was Calixto Iniguez
Garcia, who had been fighting the Spanish for Cuban independence since 1868, and had
sought the help of the United States. The American officer was Andrew Summers Rowan, a
class of 1881 West Point graduate.
Here are some selected excerpts from A Message to Garcia:
“In all this Cuban business there is one man who stands out on the
horizon of my memory like Mars at perihelion. When war broke out
between Spain and the United States, it was very necessary to communicate
quickly with the leader of the Insurgents. Garcia was somewhere in the
mountain fastnesses of Cuba—no one knew where. No mail or telegraph
could reach him. The President must secure his co-operation, and quickly.
“What to do!
“Someone said to the President, ‘There is a fellow by the name of Rowan
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who will find Garcia for you, if anybody can.’

“Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How
‘the fellow by name of Rowan’ took the letter, sealed it up in an oil-skin
pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast
of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, and in three weeks
came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country
on foot, and having delivered his letter to Garcia—are things I have no spe-
cial desire now to tell in detail.
“The point I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be
delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, ‘Where is he at?’
“By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless
bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-
learning young men need, nor instruction about this or that, but a stiffening
of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act prompt-
ly, concentrate their energies: do the thing—‘Carry a message to Garcia . . .’
“My heart goes out to the man who does his work when the boss is
away, as well as when he is at home. And the man who, when given a letter
for Garcia, quietly takes the missive, without asking any idiotic questions,
and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest sewer, or of
doing aught else but deliver it, never gets ‘laid off,’ nor has to go on a strike
for higher wages. Civilization is one long, anxious search for just such indi-
viduals. Anything such a man asks will be granted. He is wanted in every
city, town and village—in every office, shop, store and factory. The world
cries out for such: he is needed and needed badly—the man who can
‘Carry a Message to Garcia’.”
The five keys to success in this book—self-confidence, personal impact, outstanding
performance, communication skills and interpersonal competence—work only if you are
willing to take responsibility for your life and career. Personal responsibility is the foundation
on which this model is built.
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Self-
Confidence
Personal Outstanding
Impact Performance
Communication Interpersonal
Skills Competence
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Chapter 2
Five Pillars to Success
I
don’t know if you’re old enough to remember the old Wendy’s “Where’s the Meat?”
commercials. But even if you’re not, this chapter is the meat. While I think you’ll find
everything that follows interesting, this chapter contains the important information you
need to know about each of the five points on the Career and Life Success Star Model.
Self-confidence
Self-confident people have at least three things in common:
1. Self-confident people are optimistic.
2. Self-confident people face their fears and deal with them.
3. Self-confident people surround themselves with positive people.
Let’s take a look at each of these in a little more detail.
Optimism
Max More says optimism is, “the fuel of heroes, the enemy of despair, the creator of the
future.” Optimism is the opposite of pessimism which Denis Boyle says is, “as magnetic as
any black hole, swallowing one good day after another until there are no good days left.”
In a very interesting article in the March/April 2007 edition of AARP, The Magazine
(yes, I’m old enough to be a member), Mr. Boyle makes some great points about optimism
and pessimism:
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12
“The essential truth about optimism: the opportunities for it are every-
where. They just get ignored . . . Pessimism though, is the default state of
our psyche, and the easy way out. We tell ourselves there is nothing we can
do because life sucks, black holes abound, Murphy’s Law rules. Meanwhile,
optimism takes effort. Despites tons of information provided by zealous
pessimists, optimists believe everything will turn out fine. They are able to
do something no pessimist can: they do their part to make sure tomorrow
will be better than today. To subscribe to optimism means that you have a role
in shaping your own future. Why is this important? Because it’s how stuff gets
done. No successful individual could conduct business with a set of pessi-
mistic assumptions . . . Work, progress, great ideas, all are fueled by opti-
mism.”
I agree. I am an optimist. I admit that sometimes it is difficult being optimistic,

but I am relentlessly optimistic; or as Colin Powell says, perpetually optimistic. I
believe every day is going to be a good day—and set about making it so. I believe
I will succeed in every project I undertake. This optimism fuels my self-confidence,
and my self-confidence drives my performance.
Tal Ben-Shahar teaches a course in Positive Psychology at Harvard. He had
800 students in his course last year. He offers the following three tips for becoming
more optimistic:
1. Give yourself permission to be human—don’t beat up yourself about mistakes.
2. Express gratitude often.
3. Engage in activities that give your life pleasure as well as meaning.
Fear
Fear is the enemy of self-confidence. It’s also very normal; we’re all afraid sometimes.
Usually it’s a fear of failure. Fear can be debilitating, paralyzing us into inaction. Over the
years, I’ve found how to face up to my fears and to conquer them. Indecision, procrastina-
tion and inaction feed fear. Action cures it.
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Fi ve p i l l a r s of s u c c e s s
13
Here are my four easy steps for dealing with fear:

1. Identify it. Figure out why you’re afraid. Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of making the
wrong decision? Is it fear of lost opportunity? Are you afraid that you aren’t up to task?
Once you identify the reason behind your fear, you are well on the way to overcoming it.
2. Admit it. It’s OK to be afraid. You wouldn’t be human if you were never afraid. A
common definition of courage is the ability to feel fear, but to go ahead and do what you
need to do regardless. In 1988, I faced a very frightening decision. Should I stay in a com-
fortable, but ultimately unsatisfying job with a large corporation, or should I start my own
business? I definitely was afraid of failing. Failing meant that I would lose my savings and
have to start over again, looking for a job in another corporation. However, once I identified
and admitted my fear I was able to take the next step: acceptance.
3. Accept it. Accepting your fears is important, because it shows that you know that
you are human. Once I accepted that I was fearful of failing, I was able to start my business
and succeed. In fact, I embraced my fear of failure; it made me work harder. In some ways,
my fear of failing pushed me to work long hours and learn the lessons of entrepreneurship
necessary to be successful as an independent consultant, coach and speaker.
4. Take action to deal with it. Action cures fear. You have to identify, admit to and
accept your fears first, but action is the most important of these four steps. Do something!
The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll find it was the wrong thing to do and you
will have eliminated at least one thing from your list of possible actions. Action is the antidote
to fear. In most cases, you’ll choose wisely and your fears won’t be realized. In the cases
where you choose poorly, you’ll find that failure isn’t as catastrophic as you imagined. Stars
learn from their failures. So by taking action on your fears, you win on both counts. You
win if you make a good decision and things work out; you win if you make a bad decision
and things go poorly, because you have an opportunity to learn from your decision and the
subsequent problems you faced.
Positive People
Stars surround themselves with positive people: people who are both positive by
nature, and positive about their success in their life and career. Positive people are optimistic
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14
and, as I’ve discussed above, optimism is the first step in building self-confidence.
Positive people help you feel good about yourself, because they feel good about them-
selves and life in general. Positive people are there when you begin to doubt yourself. They
help you build your self-esteem because they have a strong sense of self-esteem. These people
are not threatened by others. They realize that self-esteem is not a fixed pie; there is an
unlimited amount of it to go around. Therefore, you can build your self-confidence just by
being around upbeat, positive people.
Self-confident people take the time to identify and build relationships with mentors.
Wikipedia defines a mentor as, “a trusted friend, advisor, counselor or teacher; usually a
more experienced person . . . Today, mentors provide their expertise to less experienced
individuals in order to help them advance their careers, enhance their education, and build
their networks.” Mentors are positive people by definition. You cannot be willing to lend
your wisdom and expertise to another person without being hopeful about that person and
his or her future.
I have had several mentors over my career: Bert Phillips, Maggie Watson, Dick Pelton,
Bill Rankin, and Howard Sohn were all trusted friends and advisors at one time or another
in my career. I believe that mentoring is so powerful that I have engaged the services of Tom
Antion, a professional mentor, to advise me as I embark on turning over 30 years worth of
intellectual property that I have developed into products that can be sold on-line.
Mentors challenge you to do better. That’s why they are so important in building self-
confidence. As they challenge you, they are also telling you that, “you can do it.” Having
someone who believes in you—like a mentor—is one of the best ways I know to build
self-confidence.
Personal Impact
People with powerful personal impact have at least three things in common:
1. They develop and constantly promote their personal brand.
2. They are impeccable in their presentation of self.
3. They know and practice the basic rules of etiquette.
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Personal Brand
Your brand is how people think of you. Tom Peters says that, “a brand is a trust mark,
it’s shorthand, it’s a sorting device.” Think of the well-known brands that you know—Coca
Cola, Pepsi Cola, Dell computers, iPod—all of them are shorthand for a product. When you
think cola, you probably think Coke or Pepsi. When you think computers, Dell probably
comes to mind. When you think portable music players, iPod is probably at the top of the
list. Some brands are so good that they have become a generic name for a type of product—
think Aspirin, the original brand name for the Bayer product.
People can be brands too: Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan. Peyton
Manning is becoming a brand. On the 2007 Super Bowl pre-game show, one of the
announcers joked with him, saying that he was going to ask the question on all American’s
minds: “How can you possibly find the time to do one more commercial?”
I’m a brand, albeit not as well-known as the people I’ve mentioned above. I’m the
Common Sense Guy. This didn’t happen by accident; I work at it. I’m starting to get some
brand recognition. A few months ago, a client of mine was giving a talk to an industry
group and he decided to give me a plug. He said, “We used a consultant, Bud Bilanich, to
help us with that project.” One of the people in the audience said, “Isn’t he the Common
Sense Guy?” Pretty cool, huh?
The point of this discussion is that people with powerful personal impact are their own
brands. This isn’t just for people who are self-employed. It’s for everyone. The best book I’ve
read on the subject of personal branding is Career Distinction: Standing Out by Building Your
Brand, by William Arruda and Kirsten Dixson. William and Kirsten do a great job of show-
ing how a personal brand can help your career, even if you work in a large organization. It’s
a must read for anyone interested in developing their ability to create a positive personal
impact.
In their excellent book, Be Your Own Brand, David McNally and Karl Speak suggest that
you answer three questions in developing your personal brand:
1. What are your core competencies?
2. What are your standards?
3. What is your style?
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I’ll use my Common Sense Guy brand to illustrate. As for competencies, I am good at:
1. Presenting to groups;
2. Coaching and mentoring others;
3. Identifying and solving organizational problems;
4. Writing clearly and concisely.
Next, my standards:
1. I believe we too often make things more complex than they really are. I help
my clients simplify the complex, and develop and implement common sense
solutions to their problems and issues.
2. I believe in human potential. I assist my client organizations and the
individuals in them to use applied common sense to achieve their full potential.
3. My clients pay a premium for my services. Therefore, I provide them with
extraordinary value-added services in order to justify their faith in me.
4. My clients trust me. They openly discuss their hopes, fears, problems and
opportunities with me. This trust is sacred. I will not violate it.
5. Each of my customers is unique. I honor this uniqueness; I don’t sell one-size-
fits-all consulting, coaching or speaking services. I am diligent about gaining a
complete understanding of each client’s unique needs before I suggest a course
of action.
As to my style, I am:
1. Optimistic.
2. Pragmatic.
3. Results driven.
4. Engaging.
5. Interesting.
6. Fun.
This is an excellent exercise for determining your brand. Get a piece of paper and brain-
storm answers to these three questions: your competencies, your standards, and your style. Ask
other people who know you how they would answer these three questions. Sit and think about
it for a while, and then boil down your answers to three to five salient points for each question.
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Remember, a good brand will repel almost as many people as it attracts. That’s OK, you
can’t be all things to all people, but your brand should reflect who you are and how you
operate. For example, I know that people who are looking for a highly theoretical approach
to solving their problems are not going to be attracted to me. I avoid wasting my time trying
to sell them my services because they aren’t going to buy my common sense approach.
Don’t be afraid to let your uniqueness show through as you build your brand. You don’t
want to be a vanilla brand (appealing to everyone); you want to be a Cherry Garcia brand,
something that is uniquely you.
Once you settle on your brand, do everything you can to promote it. If you read my
BudBilanich.com website, you’ll see that the words “common sense” are all over it. My speaking
website is www.CommonSenseKeynotes.com. My coaching website is www.CommonSenseCoach.
com. My other blog is www.CommonSenseGuy.com. My soon to be opened internet store
will be called www.CommonSenseStore.com. When I speak to clients and prospective clients,
I say things like, “The common sense way to go here is . . .” You get the idea.
One last word about your personal brand. Become known as a person of high integrity.
Be direct and truthful. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing so astonishes men, as common
sense and plain dealing.” Astonish people with your straightforward communication style.
Admit your mistakes; we all make mistakes. When you own up to your mistakes, you’ll gain
a reputation as a straight shooter, someone who is as honest with himself or herself as he or
she is with others. Become trusted by delivering on what you say you’ll do. Keep confidences,
avoid gossip. Do your job and give credit to others for doing theirs. Finally, join only those
organizations and associate only with those people whose values are in line with your own.
If you aren’t comfortable with your surroundings, you’ll have a hard time making a positive
personal impact.
Presentation of Self
Let’s begin this section with the reminder that “business” is the first word in “business
casual.” Don’t kid yourself; how you look is important to your success. People may not say
anything, but they do pay attention to your clothes, shoes and grooming.
I have a simple rule that has worked well for me over the years. Dress one level up. If
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jeans are acceptable at your place of work, wear chinos or khakis. If chinos and khakis are
acceptable, wear dress slacks. If t-shirts are acceptable, wear golf shirts. If golf shirts are
acceptable, wear dress shirts. If an open-collared dress shirt is acceptable, wear a tie. If it is
acceptable to wear a zip-up jacket, wear a blazer. If a blazer and slacks are acceptable, wear
a suit. You get the point.
The same advice is true for women: if jeans are acceptable, wear nice slacks. If nice
slacks are acceptable, wear a skirt occasionally. If a sweater is acceptable, wear a blazer
occasionally. Understated jewelry is always best.
No matter if you’re a man or a woman, always keep your shoes looking good. Men can
get away with two or three good quality pairs of shoes. Women need more. Regardless, keep
them in good repair, and keep them shined. I see almost as many women getting shines
these days as I do men.
Take care of your hair; keep it looking good. There are a number of styles that are
acceptable these days; choose one that suits you. The important thing is that your hair
should be neat and, most importantly, clean.
Etiquette
There’s an old saying: “Those who know, know. Those who don’t know, don’t know.
Those who know, always know those who don’t know.” This is just a clever way of saying
that it is important to learn and use proper etiquette.
For example, when you are seated at a crowded round table at a business dinner, you
might be confused by the placement of your water glass and bread-and-butter plate. You
should know that your water glass is to your right, and your bread-and-butter plate is to your
left. Knowing this can save you some embarrassment—and possibly a job or a promotion.
Besides, if you’re not worrying about your table manners, you’ll be better able to concentrate
on the conversation at the table.
Thank you notes are a lost art in these days of cell phones, email and text messaging.
You can make a positive impact by handwriting a simple thank you note expressing your
gratitude for a small favor. If you want to make a powerful positive impact, buy and use note
cards imprinted with your name for these notes. Men usually use a single sided, 4 ½ inch
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by 6 ½ inch card, imprinted with their name at the top and their return address on the back
of the envelope. In the past, it was more common for women to use a fold-over 4 ½ by 6 ½
inch card, with their name imprinted in the center of the front sheet. However, in today’s
business world, many women use single-sided cards, just like men.
Finally, being polite never goes out of style and will always help you make a positive
personal impact. The National Institute of Business Management says it quite well: “Long
term, there is no better success strategy than to be nice to others. People’s feelings are at the
heart of business etiquette. When in doubt, determine the best way to put your colleague or
client at ease and then follow that course.”
There are a few rules that you should follow, however. Wait for people to exit elevators
before you get on. Hold the door for others, whether you are a man or a woman. Return
calls and respond to emails promptly. Be brief when you leave a phone message. Don’t
respond to emails when you are angry or upset.
If you work at making a positive personal impact—by building and nurturing your per-
sonal brand, creating a good first impression by your presentation of self, and following
basic rules of etiquette—you’ll be well on your way to becoming a star in your life and career.
Outstanding Performance
Outstanding performers have at least three things in common:
1. Outstanding performers are technically excellent.
2. Outstanding performers set and achieve goals.
3. Outstanding performers are organized.
Technical Excellence
We all have a technical discipline. Usually, you studied this discipline when you were in
college. You might be an engineer; or an accountant; or an HR professional; or a scientist; or
a marketer. Outstanding performance begins with your field of expertise. Outstanding
performers are technically excellent.
Technical excellence is a life long commitment. The half life of knowledge these days is
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getting shorter and shorter. That’s why outstanding performers continue to learn and grow
in their technical discipline.
Professional associations are one way to continue your learning and growth. Early in
my career, I was very involved with the American Society for Training and Development— the
preeminent professional organization for training and organization development professionals.
I was active in local chapters. I attended the monthly meetings and volunteered for committees.
I devoured the ASTD journal every month. I submitted articles to it. I vividly remember my
first national ASTD conference. It was in Atlanta in 1977. I went over the program several times
in the weeks leading up to the conference. I knew exactly the sessions in which I was going
to participate way before I got on the plane. When I got there, I was in awe. It was an amazing
experience for me to be in the company of so many people who shared my career interests.
Every field of expertise has its professional organization. Most have more than one.
These days, I am most active in the National Speakers Association. I learn a lot attending
their meetings, conferences and trainings.
Reading is another way to continue your learning and growth. I have a goal of reading
one professional development book a week. Last year, I reached that goal. I read over 50
professional development books. I am on track to do so again this year.
I also read and comment on a number of blogs related to my field. I read The Wall
Street Journal regularly. I read the business section of USA Today, The New York Times and
The Denver Post. I read Business Week, Fast Company, Inc., Fortune Small Business,
Training Magazine and the National Speakers Association professional journal. I also listen
to podcasts and participate in teleseminars as time permits.
Writing is the third way I continue to learn and grow. Remember the old saying, “you
never really learn something until you can teach it to others.” This is my seventh book. I
write two blogs: www.CommonSenseGuy.com and www.SuccessCommonSense.com. My
goal is to publish Common Sense Guy four times a week and Success Common Sense five
times a week. I have met this goal for the past two years. I also contribute to other blogs. I
have been featured on the Trump University blog recently. I publish a monthly ezine,
“Common Sense.” I have a goal of being published in an ezine or trade publication at least
six times a year. In 2006 I fell short of this goal; I published two articles in trade publications
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and two articles in ezines. I am expecting to meet or exceed that goal this year.
I like to write, and writing is a good way to promote my business. You don’t need to
write as often as me, but I think it is a good idea to write—to help establish your personal
brand, and to help you gain a deeper understanding of your field. Start with the journals
published by the professional organizations to which you belong. They are often looking for
copy to fill their monthly issues. If you don’t want to, or feel you’re not ready to write a
whole article, write a letter to the editor. The important thing is to write—it will greatly
enhance your technical competence.
Formal education is another way to learn and grow. Take classes—at a community college
or on-line. Enroll in seminars. Get an advanced degree. Most large companies will help you
with the tuition. The benefits are threefold: 1) you’ll gain knowledge, 2) you’ll make great
contacts and get to know interesting people, and 3) you’ll brand yourself in your company
as a success-oriented individual.
Finally, be inquisitive. Pay attention. Watch what’s going on around you. The world is
an endlessly fascinating place. You’d be surprised what you can learn just by paying attention.
Learn all you can about your field of expertise, your company, your industry, your company’s
competitors, and business and life in general. Outstanding performers learn something new
everyday—and then put that knowledge to use.
Stuart Levine suggests creating your own performance dashboard:
“How do you know if you’re on track to meet your goals? You need a system to
assure that you get there. Think of a car’s dashboard. There are gauges and
indicators that tell you whether critical functions are working. Do you have
enough gas? How hot is the engine? How fast are you traveling? This
information snapshot is designed to monitor your car’s performance and help
you make necessary repairs before the car breaks down. Design a dashboard
for your job performance as well. Use it to see if you’re getting where you want
to be. Monitor the information you need to make sure you’re making progress
toward your target. If you’re falling behind, step on the gas or reevaluate the
route you’re taking.”
Work hard. I know that sounds so simple that you might wonder why I include it here.
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Hard work however, is one of the most often overlooked (and under practiced) keys to success.
Make sure that the work you do and the product you produce is high quality.
Goals
Outstanding performance begins with S.M.A.R.T. goals. These goals are Specific,
Measurable, Achievable, Results Oriented and Time Specified.
• Specific. Your goals should be targeted, not broad and general. They should be
unambiguous and explicit.
• Measurable. You should be able to tell quickly and easily if you’ve met your
goal. Develop a set of criteria that will be indicative of success or failure in
meeting each of your goals.
• Achievable. Set goals that are challenging, but not incredibly difficult to
achieve. A challenging goal is motivating, an impossible one is de-motivating.
• Results Oriented. Focus on results, avoid falling in the activity trap. Your goals
should focus on the results you want to achieve, not the activities you will
undertake to get there. For example, “improved presentation skills” is a result;
“participating in a presentation skills training program” is an activity. It’s
possible to complete activities and not achieve the desired result.
• Time Specified. Set deadlines for achieving your goals. Well-developed goals
come with time limits.
Once you have developed a set of S.M.A.R.T. goals, you need to work them. Here are
some ideas for accomplishing your goals and becoming an outstanding performer.
• Write your goals: people who take the time to write their goals accomplish
them more frequently then people who don’t.
• Keep your goals with you: in your wallet, on a clipboard, on your screen saver.
In this way, they’ll be a constant reminder of what you are going to achieve.
• List at least one reason you want to achieve each goal: these reasons will help
you stay focused when you get tired and frustrated and begin asking yourself
questions like, “Why am I working so hard on this?”
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• Share your goals with people with whom you are close: these folks can be a big
help in achieving your goals. Goals become more real when you share them
with others; goals that you don’t share are merely aspirations.
• Talk about your goals at social and networking functions: the help you need to
achieve one or more of your goals can come from some surprising places. You
never know who might be the one person who can offer the assistance it takes
for you to get over the top on one or more of your goals.
• Focus on your goals several times a day: ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing right
now helping me achieve one of my goals?” If the answer is “no,” stop what
you’re doing and do something that will help you reach your goals.
• Stay balanced by creating goals in all areas of your life: career, business,
personal, family, hobbies, health. These goals will help guide you to where
you want to go.
• Make sure your goals are congruent with one another: conflicting goals create
undue stress. If you have a work or career goal that is going to take up 60 to
80 hours a week of your time, it will be pretty difficult to realize a goal of
running a marathon. You simply won’t have time to train.
• Consider what you might have to forgo or give up to reach your goals: this could
be things like family or hobby time. Ask yourself questions like: “Is this goal
important enough for me to give up time with my kids, or my weekly yoga class?”
Personal Organization
Outstanding performers are well organized: they manage time well; they have an orga-
nized work space; they manage stress well; and they use personal organizing tools that work
for them.
Here are some ideas for getting organized to become an outstanding performer. These
are all ideas that I use and that work for me, but to be successful, you need to create a
unique, personal organization system based on your needs and preferences. Modify this
advice to fit your personal needs and situation.
Create a prioritized To Do list for the next day before going home at night. In this way,
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you’ll be ready to get right to work in the morning.

Here are some great ideas I got on managing a To Do list from The Office Professional
newsletter:
• Keep your To Do list unified and easy to access. Avoid the post-it note
syndrome: writing down various tasks you need to accomplish on sticky notes
that you post on your computer or bulletin board. Sticky notes get lost and
attached to all kinds of things. Create a written To Do list that shows all of
your tasks in one place, so you can see at a glance what you have on your plate.
• Record everything you need to do. It’s difficult to prioritize and organize your
time when you don’t have an accurate and complete picture of all that you need
to do. Record every task, large or small. Break large tasks, those that might take
weeks or months to accomplish, into smaller doable steps you can complete in
a day.
• Use a system to prioritize your list. The ABC method is the most common way
to do this. “A” tasks are urgent and must be done immediately (writing daily
blog posts is an “A” task for me). “B” tasks are important but don’t have to be
done everyday or the same day (things that make my “B” task list usually have
an end of the week deadline). “C” tasks are things that need
to be done, but not within a week. Another way of prioritizing your list is
to put a deadline next to each item. I use a combination approach. I create
a deadline for every task and then I prioritize for each day.
• Separate the most important tasks from the master list. Create a short list of
tasks everyday. Take the three most important tasks on your prioritized master
list and enter them into your daily planner where you’ll be sure to see them
often during the course of the day.
• Focus on your top three priorities every day. Short of a real emergency, don’t let
anything distract you from those priorities.
Carry a spiral notebook with you. Use it to take notes on conversations and to capture
thoughts and ideas. You never know when inspiration will hit. I keep my notebook by the
bed, as I often get very good ideas in the moments before I fall asleep.
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Eliminate clutter; when in doubt, throw it out. Don’t hang on to a lot of stuff you’ll
never use or read. This is a tough one for me; I have to make a conscious effort to reduce
clutter.
Break large projects into smaller chunks; they are not so overwhelming that way. Set
mini-milestones for these projects. I always begin large projects at the end of the day. That
way, when I return in the morning, I have some momentum, and I get right to work, back
where I left off the previous evening.
Determine your peak energy times. Schedule “high brain” tasks then, and “low brain”
tasks when your energy is the lowest. My peak energy times are early and mid morning
(6:00 – 11:00), and late afternoon (3:00 – 6:00). This is when I am most alert and can get a
lot of work done. I do my best thinking and writing then. I have an energy lull midday, so I
eat lunch, run errands and catch up on phone calls and emails. What are your peak and
down times?
Keep a tickler file to remind you of deadlines. This will help you get things done on
time. Also, you’ll be able to follow up with people who owe you something. Things won’t
slip through the cracks.
Use waiting and commuting time to keep up with your reading. Carry a folder of things
you need to read. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to keep up on your reading this way.
Listen to professional development recorded material—books on tape, CD’s, podcasts—during
drive time. This is a great passive learning tool.
Communication Skills
People with good communication skills have at least three things in common:
1. Good communicators are excellent conversationalists;
2. Good communicators write in a clear, concise, easily readable manner;
3. Good communicators are excellent presenters—to groups of two or 100.
Conversations
You never know when a conversation can have a big impact on your life and career.
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Career and life stars are good conversationalists. People want to engage them because they
are warm, gracious, pleasant and sensitive to the needs of others.
Brian Tracy, a well known motivational speaker—and with whom I share the cover,
along with Stephen Covey, of the recently published book Conversations on Success—has
some interesting things to say about conversation. (I will send a complimentary copy of
Conversations of Success to the first ten people who send me an email at Bud@BudBilanich.
com requesting one.)
• “There are three aims and purposes of conversation. The first is the plain
enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people . . .
The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know another person
better . . . The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility with
another person.”
I agree with Mr. Tracy. Conversations are a great way of getting to know other people
and building trust with them. Even more important, perhaps, is the sheer joy you can get
from having a conversation with an interesting and stimulating person.
On a visit to Loren Ekroth’s website, www.ConversationMatters.com, I came across an
interesting article, Six Common Mistakes That Spoil Conversations:
1. Blabbermouthing;
2. The “take away” and “me-too” syndrome;
3. Unsolicited advice;
4. Interrupting;
5. Contradicting;
6. Stingy contribution.
I suggest you go to his site and read the article, and several others he has written about
conversation.
Now that I’ve highlighted things to avoid in conversation, I’d like to give you some of
the tips that have helped me in my quest to become a good conversationalist.
• Be honest. When you’re honest, you don’t have to remember what lies you told
to what person. Honesty, besides being the best policy, makes your life easier.
• Be humble. Braggarts generally don’t fare well over the long run. Remember
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the old saying, “lions don’t need to roar.”

• Be courteous. It costs you nothing, and it can mean everything to the other
person. Courtesy also helps you get what you want. You really do get more
flies with honey than vinegar.
• Look at the person with whom you’re having a conversation. People like it
when you look them in the eye; they trust you more.
• Use a person’s name when you are in conversation. Everybody likes to hear
their own name.
• Let people finish what they are saying. When you interrupt, you run the risk of
annoying the other person, but more importantly, you run the bigger risk of
missing something important that he or she has to say.
• Keep your cool. Any fool can get upset and angry. It takes a real lady or gentle-
man to handle difficult situations calmly and with aplomb.
• Be responsible for yourself. No one can make you angry. No matter what
another person does, you can always choose to act in a civil, forthright,
constructive manner.
• Build and nurture relationships with other people. Extend yourself. Show
some initiative, introduce yourself to people you don’t know, engage them in
conversation.
• Work hard at relating to all kinds of people. People who are different from you
might make you feel uncomfortable at first. However, they are the people from
whom you are likely to learn the most.
• Listen well and demonstrate your point of view. Ask questions if you don’t
understand. Repeat your understanding to make sure you got it right.
• Be receptive to feedback. Thank the other person for his or her feedback. Use
it as you see fit.
Writing
Good communicators write clearly, succinctly and in an easy to read manner. Clear writ-
ing can brand you as a clear thinker. Here are my tips for becoming an excellent business writer.
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Always use the shortest word that communicates exactly what you want to say. For
example, in most cases, “use” is better than “utilize.” Over 30 years ago, some friends of
mine stayed at my apartment when I was out of town. When I returned home, I found a
note from them that said, “Bud, Thanks for letting us utilize your pad.” I got a kick out of
that one—for a couple of reasons. First, “use” would have been better than “utilize.” Second,
the juxtaposition of “utilize” with the colloquialism “pad,” struck me as hilarious. A big
vocabulary is a great thing—if you use it judiciously. Don’t use multisyllabic—I mean big—
words, when small, easy-to-understand ones will do.
Use the active, not passive, voice. If you are recommending a course of action say “I
recommend…,” the active voice; not “it is recommended,” the passive voice. There are three
reasons for this. First, “I recommend” is strong assertive language. You come across as confi-
dent and self assured when you write this way. Second, “it is recommended” is awkward,
and not as forceful as saying “I recommend.” Third, you sound like a weeny when you write
things like “it is recommended.”
Use short sentences. Subject, verb, object is almost always the best. Short sentences
tend to make your writing clear, concise and easy to read. When you write in short sentences,
you are less likely to get lost in what you are trying to say. More importantly, the reader is
less likely to get lost in what you are trying to say.
Know and follow basic rules of grammar and punctuation. You don’t have to be an
expert with colons and semicolons, but make sure that your writing doesn’t have really
noticeable errors in it. For example, many people use the word “your,” when they should be
using “you’re.” Your is the possessive. Use it when you write something like “your customers
are loyal.” You’re is a contraction of “you are.” Us it when you write something like “as
we’ve discussed, you’re going to handle the arrangements for the meeting.” If you master the
basics and avoid jarring errors like substituting “your” for “you’re” you’ll do fine.
Write, then rewrite. I suggest writing a first draft and then editing and rewriting it. I
think it is a mistake to try to make your first draft perfect. Doing so slows down your writing.
Write what you want to say—then go back and make it better through rewriting and editing.
You’ll write faster and more clearly if you do so.
Double check your spelling and grammar. Spell check is helpful, but it often doesn’t
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catch mistakes like using the word “there,” when you should be using “their.” Spell check
can make you lazy. Don’t be lazy. Read what you write—out loud is often the best—to make
sure that your spelling and grammar are correct, that your tenses match and that you have
communicated exactly what you set out to communicate.
Presentations
Presentations are an important communication skill. Many careers have been made on
the strength of one or two great presentations. You can control stage fright and your nerves
by learning and using a presentation preparation and delivery process.
Here is a five-step process to effective presentations that I find helpful. While I have
modified and enhanced these steps over the years, I originally learned them from Steve
Roesler, presentation guru extraordinaire.
1. Determine your message.
2. Analyze your audience.
3. Organize your information for impact.
4. Design supporting visuals.
5. Practice, practice, practice.
Ask and answer these questions to help you determine your message:
• What do you want or need to communicate?
• What information does the audience need?
• Why do they need it?
• At the end of the presentation, what do you want the audience to: Understand?
Remember? Do?
Determine the best way to communicate your message through analyzing your audience
by asking and answering the following questions:
• Who is the audience for this presentation?
• Why are they attending?
• What is their general attitude toward you and the topic?
• What is their knowledge level on this topic?
Use the golden rule of journalism—tell them what you’re going to tell them; tell them;
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tell them what you’ve told them—to organize your material and presentation.
• Begin at the end. Write your presentation closing first. This will keep you
focused on where you’re going.
• Prepare your presentation opening next. A good beginning does two things: it
grabs the audience’s attention, making them want to listen to you; it teaches
the audience how to listen to what you’re going to say, by providing them a
roadmap of your talk.
• Fill in the blanks with your content.
Design visuals to support and enhance what you are saying. Good visuals support your
points, create audience interest, improve audience understanding, are great memory aids,
and save you time—a picture is worth a thousand words. Your visuals should support and
enhance your words. They should not drive your presentation.
Practice, Practice, Practice. There is an old saying, “practice makes up for a lack of talent.”
Prior to getting in front of an audience, practice your presentation—out loud—several
times. Listen to yourself. Get comfortable with your words. Consider video taping yourself.
If you don’t have video equipment, practice in front of a mirror, or your spouse, or your
dog or cat—just practice.
When you are in front of the audience:
• Center yourself, get balanced, have your weight evenly distributed on both feet.
• Pause for a couple of seconds.
• Smile.
• Take a deep breath.
• Begin the talk that you have practiced so many times that you are really
comfortable with what you are going to say.
Interpersonal Competence
Interpersonally competent people have at least three things in common:
1. Interpersonally competent people are self-aware. They understand themselves,
and as a result they understand others.
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2. Interpersonally competent people build solid, long-lasting, mutually beneficial

relationships with the people in their lives.
3. Interpersonally competent people are able to resolve conflicts with a minimal
amount of problems and upset to relationships.
Self-awareness
It’s important to understand yourself—your likes and dislikes, your strengths and
weaknesses—if for no other reason than the more you understand yourself, the easier it is
for you to understand others. The more you understand about yourself, the better able you
are to become the person you want to be. People with little self-awareness tend to find life
to be a constant struggle, as they continue to make the same mistakes over and over.
There are many commercially available self-awareness instruments. The Myers-Briggs
Type Indicator is one of the best known and most widely used today. The DISC is another
self-awareness instrument with which many people are familiar. All of these instruments are
questionnaires designed to increase your self-awareness by giving you insight into yourself.
However, I think the best way to get to understand yourself is through introspection
and the feedback of those closest to you. Self-understanding is the key to interpersonal
competence. Without it, you cannot build strong relationships or deal constructively with
conflict.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself in order to understand yourself better.
• What makes me happy? Why?
• What make me sad? Why?
• What kinds of people do I enjoy? Why?
• What do I want from the people around me?
• What do I fear most?
• What causes me to feel happy?
• What causes me to feel sad?
• What causes me to feel angry?
• What causes me to feel frustrated?
• What do I love about my work?
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• What do I dislike about my work?

• What am I most proud of about myself?
• What am I least proud of about myself?
• What are my strengths?
• What are my weaknesses?
• What motivates me?
• What stresses me?
• What relaxes me?
• What qualities do I see in others that I would like to see in myself but don’t?
Why?
Think about these questions. Answer them as truthfully as you can. They will help you
have a better understanding of yourself. Once you understand yourself, you can begin the
process of building relationships with other important people in your life.
Relationships
I’d like to share a story about the importance of relationships.
A few months ago, I had a meeting with a potential client. I have known this guy for
about 20 years. He was a new HR rep at the company where I worked prior to starting my
consulting and coaching business. Now, he is a senior HR person with that same company.
A few weeks ago, we had a chance meeting. I followed up and asked if I could have a
few minutes of his time to tell him what I’ve been doing recently. He said, “Sure.”
As we were chatting, he said something that really hit home. “When I was a young guy
here, many of the people at your level didn’t pay a lot of attention to me. That wasn’t true of
you. You were nice to me. I can remember you asking me if I’d like to go to lunch or dinner
a few times. I was never able to make it, but I really appreciated you asking. Quite frankly,
that’s the whole reason you’re here now. You treated me well many years ago when you
didn’t have to.”
I told him that I really didn’t remember those things. He said, “I do, and they meant a
lot to me.”
There is a common sense point here. Interpersonal competence comes from within.
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Build relationships, and treat people well because it’s the right thing to do, not because you
have something to gain from it. People can spot a phony a mile away.
I have identified four tips for building strong relationships:
• Help people feel good about themselves.
• Listen.
• Put yourself in their shoes.
• Ask for their help.
Here are some additional thoughts that build on these tips. If you use them, you will be
able to build strong, lasting relationships with the people around you. A few of these points
overlap with the points I’ve made about becoming a great conversationalist.
• Work hard at relating well with all kinds of people. People who are different
from you might make you feel uncomfortable at first. However, they also have
the potential for teaching you something you didn’t know.
• Listen well and demonstrate your understanding of others’ points of view. Ask
questions if you don’t understand; repeat your understanding to make sure
you got it right.
• Be a consensus builder. If you focus on where you agree with another person,
you’ll find that it will be easier to resolve differences and come to agreement.
• Learn how to relate to all kinds of people. Focus on building mutually
beneficial relationships.
• Put others at ease. Be diplomatic and tactful.
• Be warm, pleasant, gracious and sensitive to the interpersonal needs and
anxieties of others.
• Be receptive to feedback.
• Take a deep breath when you are angry. Don’t blow up. Present your side of
things in a measured tone of voice.
• Take responsibility for your feelings. Don’t blame others if you are unhappy.
• Be easy to get to know. Share your feelings. Be open about your personal beliefs.
• Be attentive to the needs of others. Listen actively. Set a goal of listening twice
as much as you speak.
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• Avoid judging and criticizing and preparing your response while the other
person is speaking. Instead, focus on understanding what they are saying, and
the emotions behind what they are saying.
• Show others the respect they deserve as human beings—listen to them and do
your best to put yourself in their shoes. Respond to the feelings they share
with you before responding with facts.
• Be humble, not a know-it-all. Apologize when you’re at fault. Give people
credit when they are correct.
• Speak only when you have something to add to the conversation. Don’t make
comments just to hear yourself speak. Refrain from stating the obvious.
• Look people in the eye when you are speaking with them. Ask questions to
clarify things that are not clear to you.
• Acknowledge other people for their contributions and talents. Everyone likes
to hear nice things about themselves.
Conflict
Most people dislike conflict and for good reason—nothing good usually comes of it.
However, this doesn’t have to be so. Interpersonally competent people use conflict as a tool
to enhance relationships and creativity.
The single best piece of advice I’ve ever received on dealing with conflict came in the
book, Getting to Yes: when you are in conflict with another person, focus on where you
agree, not disagree. This is not as easy to do as it sounds, as conflict by definition involves
disagreement. However, if you focus on where you agree, it is easier to build a consensus
and resolve the conflict. You’re working from something positive (points of agreement),
rather than negative (points of disagreement).
However, no matter how good you are at dealing with people, there will be times when
you get into an interpersonal conflict. Here is a model for resolving interpersonal conflicts:
• Agree on the real issue. Talk about it.
• Ask why. Why is this a problem? Why do you need to resolve it?
• Come up with lots of ideas that could resolve the issue for both of you.
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• Choose the best idea—be willing to compromise.

• Decide what each of you has to do to make the idea work.
• Bring closure—shake hands; repeat your commitment; say “thanks.”
• Follow through on your commitments.
The following general guidelines are helpful when you find yourself in a conflict situation:
• Use conflict as an opportunity to develop creative solutions to problems and
issues. Treat conflict as a learning opportunity. It’s just a difference of opinion,
and differences of opinion bring the opportunity to create something new and
interesting.
• Settle disputes and resolve differences quickly and equitably. Don’t let them
drag on. Engage the other person in conversation. Focus on finding a solution
that benefits both of you.
• Manage your frustration—with other people and situations, don’t let it show.
Remain patient, hear people out. You probably have more in common than
you think.
• Take a deep breath when you are angry. Don’t blow up. Present your side of
things in a measured tone of voice.
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Confidence
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Part 2: The Pillars Explained
Chapter 3
Self-Confidence
“Confidence can get you where you want to go, and getting there is a daily
process. It’s so much easier when you feel good about yourself, your
abilities and talents.” - Donald Trump
Self-confidence is not arrogance. Let’s get this straight right from the beginning. Self-
confident people have a realistic view of their strengths and weaknesses. Arrogant people
see only their strengths. They often have an overbearing manner and an air of superiority.
Self-confident people don’t need to show off for others. Their confidence allows them to be
comfortable in most situations. They don’t need the spotlight. Arrogant people often are
guilty of exaggerated self-confidence. The ancient Greeks called this trait “hubris.” The
Greeks thought of it as the sin to which the great and gifted are most susceptible. In Greek
tragedy, arrogance and hubris are often the hero’s tragic flaw.
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Self-confidence Snippet 1:
Wikipedia on Self-confidence
Wikipedia ties confidence to anxiety. The article identifies three types of people—over-
confident, unconfident and confident—and described how each type reacts to anxiety.
Overconfident: Overconfident people experience little or no anxiety. In the absence of
anxiety people can become reckless; everything appears rosy. Overconfident people often
don’t see the need to consider all possible outcomes as they are sure every outcome will be
what they expect.
Unconfident: Unconfident people get paralyzed by anxiety. They tend to have lots of
self-doubts, are very critical of themselves and have low self-esteem. This often results in a
vicious cycle where anxiety cripples them into inaction, which causes them to berate them-
selves and creates more anxiety.
Confident: Confident people keep anxiety at an optimum level. They realize that nega-
tive outcomes are possible, but they assume positive outcomes. They neither exaggerate nor
minimize the potential for negative outcomes. Confident people prepare. They plan for
what they will do regardless of the outcome—positive or negative. They say to themselves
“this is what I will do if this happens.”
According to Wikipedia, confidence is the state of balanced perceptions and preparation.
I like the duality of the idea of balanced perceptions and preparation. Think of it this way:
confident people expect good things to happen, but they realize that sometimes they will
fail. They prepare for two reasons: 1) to bring good things to fruition; and 2) to plan for
what they will do if things don’t work out as planned.
The common sense point here: begin every job with the idea that you will be successful.
Plan what you need to do to succeed, and do it. Also, plan what you will do if you are not
successful. True success often comes from being able to deal with negative outcomes in a
positive way.
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Ilise Benum on Self-confidence
Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive, by Ilise
Benum, is a great book. She makes some great points about self-confidence.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Always take the time to prepare.
• Visualize another reality.
• Think small.
Let’s take a look at each of her points.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing yourself to others is not a good way to build self-confidence. Why? Because
someone is always going to be better than you, have more money than you, have greater success
than you. In fact, comparing yourself to others is a sure way to undermine your self-confidence.
Let me give you an example. I am successful. I have run my own business for 18 years.
I have a loving wife, a nice house and car and money in the bank. Recently, I read an article
in the Wall Street Journal about a friend of mine who orchestrated a turn around and sale of
a company teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. For his work, he received a nice little
bonus—$10 million.
My reaction was, “Good for you. You resurrected a company. You created shareholder
value where none existed. You did something that was nearly impossible.”
If I were to compare myself to this friend, my self-confidence could take quite a hit. I’ve
been involved in some projects where I’ve made a difference, but I’ve never pulled a company
out of bankruptcy. Second, while I do OK financially, I’ve never had a single payday of $1
million, let alone $10 million.
However, I choose to not compare myself to him. I’m not in competition with this
friend or anybody else. I’m in competition with myself. I get up every day and try to do better
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than I did the day before. When I get a new client, I use my knowledge and experience to
do a better job than I did with my last client. These are reachable goals, ones that I can control.
You will always find others who are doing better than you. If you spend too much time
thinking about those people and comparing yourself to them, your self-confidence will
surely suffer, because you will come up short.
On the other hand, don’t look down on people who are not doing as well as you. This
is a sure way to become complacent.
If you want to build and reinforce your self-confidence, focus on yourself. Focus on all
of the successes you have in your life. Find ways to build on these successes to take you to
greater heights. Use your past successes as springboards to future success.
Always take the Time to Prepare

One of my first bosses had a saying that he drilled into me: “preparation makes up for
lack of talent.” When I tell that story in presentations today, I always add “and it’s a good
thing because that’s how I’ve gotten as far as I have.”
Seriously, preparation is a great self-confidence building tool. It’s just common sense: if
you’re prepared, you’re likely to do a better job. In my presentation skills workshops, I tell
people to practice their talk—out loud and in front of a mirror—until they find themselves
saying the same words about 90% of the time. This technique has always worked for me.
However, like a lot of common sense, people often ignore this advice. Why? For a lot of
reasons: practicing a talk is time-consuming; they feel foolish saying it out loud; they hate to
look at themselves in a mirror; etc., etc., etc. Yet people who use this advice are great presenters.
Hearing the words come out of your mouth is not the same as thinking them. When
you say words out loud, you get comfortable with them. As you’re standing in front of an
audience, familiarity with your words is a very comforting feeling.
I give similar advice to leaders who are getting ready to have a performance discussion
with one of their employees. Practice what you’re going to say. Anticipate how the other
person is likely to react. Plan what you’ll say to the reaction. Managers who do this tell me
that even the most difficult conversations tend to go well.
I didn’t dream up all this. I learned it in sales training. Overcoming objections is an
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important part of all sales training programs. When learning how to overcome objections,
sales people are presented with a list of potential objections to buying they are likely to
encounter. Then they are taught what to say to counter each objection. That’s preparation—
and this type of preparation makes successful sales people.
Preparation makes successful sales people, because prepared sales people are confident
sales people. Preparation works in other aspects of your life too. You do a better job when
you are prepared—and doing a good job enhances your self-confidence. So whenever you
think you can get by, remember my first boss and his favorite saying—preparation makes
up for a lack of talent—and prepare. You’ll be glad you did.
Visualize Another Reality

Visualization is a technique used by most successful people: athletes, sales people, poli-
ticians, artists. Visualization (picturing yourself succeeding at whatever it is that you want to
accomplish) is powerful. It’s hard to have the confidence to succeed if you can’t visualize
yourself being successful.
I’m a tennis fan. There are some very intense tennis tournaments in the weeks leading
up to the US Open. If you’re not a tennis fan, Roger Federer currently is the best player in
the world. In 2006 he won 63 matches and lost 5. As of this writing, he is ranked number 1
in the world.
Mr. Federer played Andy Murray in the second round of a tournament in Cincinnati
last week—and lost. Andy Murray is a 19-year-old Scot who was ranked 21st in the world at
the time of the match.
After the match, Mr. Murray said, “Obviously I wasn’t expecting to win, so when it did
happen, I was in a little bit of shock.” He continued, “I think now I’ll have a bit more belief
going into Grand Slams (like the US Open) that I can go deep, although I don’t think physi-
cally I’m good enough to win a Grand Slam just yet. It may take a few years. But my game
is getting there, it’s getting better all the time and with Brad (Gilbert, his coach) working
with me, he’s helped a lot.”
Mr. Murray went on to beat Robbie Genepri to advance to the quarter finals against
Andy Roddick, whom he has beaten twice this year. Mr. Roddick is a former US Open
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Champion and the best known American male tennis player. Mr. Murray was not confident
going into the match with Mr. Roddick. He lost.
“I wasn’t going into the match expecting to win,” Murray said. “I considered pulling out
when I woke up in the morning and about a half an hour before I went on, but I felt like I
could go out there where I could compete with him.”
It’s difficult to win when you don’t think you can. Mr. Murray has all the shots. On the
court, he is tenacious, and exhibits a never-say-die attitude. If he is going to win a Grand
Slam event, he needs to become more confident prior to matches.
I believe Mr. Murray will begin to win consistently on the tennis tour once he begins to
visualize himself beating the best players in the world. He has the skills. Right now, he just
lacks the confidence.
Think Small
I know that conventional wisdom says “think big, shoot for the stars,” and I agree. We
should all have lofty goals and ambitions. However, when it comes to building self-confi-
dence, thinking small is better.
There is a common sense reason for this. When you think small, you have a better
chance of succeeding and accomplishing whatever you’ve set out to do—and nothing builds
self-confidence like success.
Here’s an example of how I think about Ms. Benum’s point on thinking small. If you’re
beginning a diet, focus on eating right the first day of the diet. If you can stick to your eat-
ing plan for the first day or two, set a goal of sticking to it for a whole week. The success
you have from succeeding every day on a day-by-day basis will give you the confidence to
tackle a week’s worth of healthy eating.
The same is true in your career. Identify small goals that you are likely to achieve. Then
achieve them. The momentum you build from these small successes will help build your
self-confidence.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” is a cliché. However, clichés are clichés for a reason—they
are generally true. Building your self-confidence is a process; you won’t get it done in a day.
Start small, identify and achieve small wins, and use these wins to build your self-confidence.
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Self-confidence Quote
I have found that quotes can be a great source of inspiration. Often, they seem to speak
directly to me. However, I have learned that while quotes can inspire, inspiration is not
enough. You’ll find quotes all through this book. When you find a quote, you also find three
questions. These questions are designed to help get you past inspiration and on to action.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If
you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and
get busy.” - Dale Carnegie
Questions to ask yourself:

• How does this quote relate to me and my life?
• What will I do differently because of this quote?
• When will I do it?
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Arrogance and Humility
Herb Elliot was the world record holder in the mile run from 1958 to 1962. He has some
interesting things to say about self-confidence and being the world record holder in the mile:
“To be a world-record holder in the mile, a man must have the arrogance it
takes to believe he can run faster than anyone ever has at the distance; and
the humility it takes to actually do it.”
To me, the dichotomies in this quote—arrogance and humility—capture the essence of

self-confidence. Arrogance: ego, belief in yourself that you can accomplish the goal you set
for yourself. Humility: the willingness to do the work that’s necessary to reach your goal.
Both are present in stars.
I watched Roger Federer win his third straight US Open Tennis championship in
September 2006. Andy Roddick was a formidable opponent, but Mr. Federer won in four
sets. When I watch Roger Federer play tennis, I’m amazed at how he approaches the game
as if it is a chess match. He is always thinking two or three shots ahead. Time and again, I
watch him hit a shot that is nothing special only to see him hit a winner two shots later.
This type of ability comes from hours spent practicing—the humility to do the work
required to become a champion.
Tiger Woods, the world’s best golfer, was in Mr. Federer’s box for the match. At the
time, he had won the last five tournaments in which he’s competed, including the British
Open and PGA Championship—two of golf’s four majors. Mr. Woods is well known for his
work ethic, his humility to do what it takes to be a great golfer.
David Halberstam’s book, The Education of a Coach, is a biography of Bill Belichick,
Head Coach of the New England Patriots and one of the most successful pro football coaches
today. In describing Mr. Belichick, Mr. Halberstam says:
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“This does not mean that Bill Belichick is without ego—far from it. His ego
is exceptional, and it is reflected by his almost unique determination. He
likes being the best and wants credit for being the best, a quiet kind of
credit. But his ego is about the doing; it is fused into a larger purpose, that
of his team winning. It was never about the narcissistic celebration of self
that television loves to amplify.”
If you re-read the above quote, you’ll see that Mr. Halberstam is echoing Mr. Elliot’s
thoughts on arrogance—the will to be the best and the belief that one can be the best; and
humility—the doing, the hard work and focus on the ultimate goal.
While I am speaking about football coaches, I’d like to tell a story of a young man who
also exemplifies the merging of arrogance and humility. Christopher Reese is a graduate
assistant football coach at Ferris State University in Michigan. After playing and starring for
Western State in Gunnison, CO, Mr. Reese spent a year working as an assistant coach for his
alma mater.
However, he knew that if he were to reach his dream of being a head coach, he was
going to have to move on—to go with a bigger program. The way to do this is to become a
graduate assistant. Graduate assistants get free tuition and a small stipend to cover living
expenses. They attend classes, most usually studying for a degree in Educational
Administration, and work as an assistant coach for the football team. If it doesn’t sound very
glamorous, it isn’t. However, it is the entry level position for those wanting to be a college
football head coach. Joe Paterno, head coach at my alma mater, Penn State, began his career
as a graduate assistant at Penn State in the early 1950’s.
Competition for these positions is intense. Each school can carry only two graduate
assistants in any given year. Most Master’s programs take two years to complete, so this
means that each school has only one slot for a graduate assistant each year. Mr. Reese had
the arrogance to believe that he would and could obtain a graduate assistant coaching job,
and the humility to do whatever it took to get one. He threw himself into the application
process, like he threw himself into opposing receivers and running backs when he was playing
Safety for Western State. He landed a job at a school whose head coach is well known for
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placing his graduate assistants in NCAA Division 1A schools. Who knows, maybe someday
a writer of the caliber of David Halberstam will write a book detailing Mr. Reese’s education
as a coach. Good luck to you, Chris Reese.
The common sense point here: arrogance (belief in oneself) + humility (the willingness
to do the work necessary to reach your goals) = self-confidence. You can believe all you
want, but you have to do the work. You can work your tail off, but if you don’t believe in
yourself, you’re unlikely to reach your goals.
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Think TQ
www.ThinkTQ.com is a great site for building self-confidence. Here’s a wonderful quote
from Dr. Norman Vincent Peale that I found on Think TQ:
“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but rea-
sonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.”
In the previous snippet, I wrote about arrogance and humility. Dr. Peale’s quote also
raises the importance of humility in achieving your goals. However, instead of the word
“arrogance,” he says “reasonable confidence in your own powers.” I know that some folks
don’t like the word arrogance, so I was happy to come across this quote.
Whether you call it “arrogance,” or “reasonable confidence,” don’t forget about the second
half of the equation: humility. Humble people are courteously respectful of others. They are
secure in their abilities, but not overtly so.
I have found that, no matter how good I am at something, there is always someone who is
better at that activity. This keeps me humble. Humility allows me to keep learning and growing.
Reasonable confidence allows me to try new things and to bounce back from setbacks.
I agree with Dr. Peale. Reasonable confidence and humility are necessary ingredients for
self-confidence.
Later in the email in which I found Dr. Peale’s quote, I came across this bit of advice
from the people at ThinkTQ.com:
“The key to living the life of your dreams is to create highly desirable goals and believe
in your power to make them real. You will achieve your dreams and aspirations when
Desirability and Believability both = 10. Your goals will remain out of your grasp until you
extend your reach. Believe it!”
Good, common sense advice from both Norman Vincent Peale and the folks at ThinkTQ.com.
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Attitude
Here are some interesting thoughts on attitude by Charles Swindell.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude is more important to me than the facts. It is more important
than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than fail-
ures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more
important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a com-
pany ... a church ... a home.
The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the
attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will
act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing that
we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude …
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I
react to it.
And so it is with you, we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
The common sense point here is simple: if you believe in yourself—if you’re self-confi-
dent—it’s easier to choose your attitude. Self-confident people react to difficulties positively:
they see them as bumps in the road over which they can easily drive, not mountains that
are insurmountable.
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Beliefs and Success
The internet has made it very easy to locate all types of information. While researching
success on the internet, I came across some interesting ideas on the relationship between
beliefs and success. I spent some time mulling over what I read and came up with the
following points about the relationship between beliefs and success.
• Your beliefs drive your expectations.
• Your expectations drive your choices.
• Your choices drive your performance.
• Your performance drives the results you get.
• The results you get drive your success.
• Success begins with a strong belief in yourself.
• Believe you can and you will. Believe you can't and you won't.
• If you believe you can, you’re right. If you believe you can’t, you're right.
These eight bullets sum up the basic idea behind the importance of self-confidence.
Think about them, and ask yourself one important question. “What do I believe about
myself and my abilities?”
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The Dalai Lama and Self-confidence
I search wide and far to find information I can pass on to readers of my blogs. As I was
researching self-confidence, I came across a Buddhist web site that had some interesting
information. You can check it out at http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/self-confidence.html.
I particularly liked a quote from the Dalai Lama, found about half-way down the web
page, so I decided to include it here.
“One can be deceived by three types of laziness:

the laziness of indolence, which is the wish to procrastinate;
the laziness of inferiority, which is doubting your capabilities;
and the laziness that is attached to negative actions, or putting great effort
into non-virtue.”
I like this quote, because it drives home an important point about personal responsibility.
The Dalai Lama doesn’t let us off the hook. He says it’s just plain lazy to say, “I didn’t do it
because I didn’t think I could do it.” He says that doubting your abilities is a form of laziness.
That’s some tough love!
And if you think about it, he is right. All too often we let ourselves off the hook by say-
ing, “I’m not going to try that, because I don’t think I can do it.” This is being lazy. “I can’t
do it, so I won’t even try:” as I read these words out loud, they sound pretty lame. Agree? If
you do, you’ll stop using lack of self-confidence as an excuse for not doing the work it takes
to become a star in your career.
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Self-confidence Quote
“Confidence is a habit that you can develop by acting as if you already have
the confidence you desire to have.” – Brian Tracy

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Fear and Self-confidence
Fear is the biggest enemy of self-confidence. There is an interesting post on Dr. Ellen
Weber’s Brain Based Business blog about fear. In the post, Dr. Weber lists ten ways in which
fear can hurt your career success.
Ten Ways Fear Can Undermine Your Career Success
1. Fear reduces your capabilities to think clearly.
2. Fear prevents you from moving forward in a deal.
3. Fear causes you to avoid certain people.
4. Fear creates a tone that others run from.
5. Fear robs you of sleep.
6. Fear leads you to eat too much or too little.
7. Fear adds stress to your life.
8. Fear often leads to poor judgment.
9. Fear steals your self-confidence.
10. Fear works against your motivation to succeed.
I agree with Dr. Weber; fear can be very debilitating. However, it doesn’t have to be. I
have this quotation framed and hanging in my office—just inside the door, so I look at it
every time I enter and leave.
“Whatever you can vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and
enthusiastically act on, must inevitably come to pass!”
Paul Meyer, founder of Success Motivation International (SMI) is the author. He wrote
those words in 1973. They are as right on today as they were when Mr. Meyer wrote them
over 30 years ago.
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I like the language— “vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, enthusiastically
act on.” The adverbs (the words ending in “ly”) are the strength of the statement. Let’s focus
on “enthusiastically act on”—the most important one of the bunch in my opinion. If fear
paralyzes you into inaction, you won’t be able to enthusiastically act on your life and career
goals. You won’t be able to become the star you are meant to be.
I’ve been working in the organizational effectiveness field since 1973. Since 1988, I’ve
been running a one-person consulting, coaching and speaking business. Travel in general,
and post-9/11 travel in particular, is starting to get to me. So, I’m launching a new venture.
I am in the process of taking all that I’ve done and learned in those 33 years and turning
that knowledge into information products.
I’m working with a mentor, Alex Mandossian, to help me make this idea a reality. I
have found that there is one main advantage of working with Alex on this. Alex has given
me a long list of things to do. I’m working through them one at a time. To use Paul Meyer’s
words, I am enthusiastically acting on making this a reality.
I have been thinking about this (creating and selling information products) for a few
years now. Until recently, I haven’t taken any real, focused action. Working with Alex as a
mentor is helping me to enthusiastically act on what I want to achieve. This action has
increased my confidence in my ability to build an information products business. I wasn’t
exactly afraid of trying, but I was somewhat paralyzed into inaction because the task seemed
very complex. Alex has broken everything down into manageable steps that are helping me
move forward—each one improves my confidence in my ability to build a new business.
The common sense point of this snippet comes down to two simple words: do some-
thing! Just as fear is the enemy of self-confidence, action is the enemy of fear. You can build
your self-confidence by taking steps—no matter how small—in the direction of your
dreams.
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MindTools.com
The Mind Tools web site (www.mindtools.com) is another great resource for information
on self-confidence and success. One Mind Tools post did a great job of showing the difference
in how self-confident people differ from people lacking in self-confidence.
• Self-confident people do what they believe to be right, even if others mock or
criticize them for it.
- Low self-confidence people govern their behavior based on what other
people think.
• Self-confident people take risks and go the extra mile to achieve extraordinary
things.
- Low self-confidence people stay in their comfort zone, fear failure and
avoid taking risks.
• Self-confident people admit their mistakes and learn from them.
- Low self-confidence people work hard to cover up mistakes and hope that
nobody notices them.
• Self-confident people do not seek, but graciously accept compliments on their
accomplishments.
- Low self-confidence people extol their own virtues as often as possible to
as many people as possible.
• Self-confident people view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.
- Low self-confidence people feel desperate when things don’t go exactly as
planned.
• Self-confident people put a positive spin on negative things that happen.
- People with low self-confidence dwell on negative events and often use
them as reasons to quit.
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The article concludes with these points:
“As you can see from these examples, low self-confidence can be self-
destructive, and it often manifests itself as negativity. Self-confident people
are generally more positive—they believe in themselves and their abilities,
and they also believe in the wonders of living life to the full. They tend to
be popular and enjoyable to be around. Their self-confidence makes them
attractive, and their attractiveness is part of what attracts success.”
Great, common sense advice from the folks at Mind Tools. I agree with them, which is
why self-confidence is the first point on the career star model. High self-confidence can
create a self-fulfilling prophecy that leads to success. Low self-confidence can create a self-
fulfilling prophecy that leads to failure.
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The Optimist Creed
Optimism is another key to self-confidence. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary
defines optimism as “an inclination to put the most favorable construction on actions and
events or to anticipate the best possible outcome.” Therefore, by definition, self-confident
people are optimistic people. They believe they will succeed; and even when they don’t
reach their goal, they use the experience to learn and grow.
Optimist International is a world-wide organization dedicated to bringing out the best
in kids. Their mission statement is: “By providing hope and positive vision, Optimists bring
out the best in kids.”
When I was in the 10th grade, I participated in the local Optimist Club Oratory
Contest. It was a great experience. That year, the subject of the talk was “Optimism, Youth’s
Greatest Asset.” That’s an interesting—if very difficult to say—topic. “Youth’s” is not an easy
word to pronounce, especially when you’re a nervous kid standing up in front of a group of
adults who are grading you.
I won my section, and finished third in the Beaver County, PA, contest that year. (To
this day, I still think I won the county contest. I learned a lot that night—mostly how to
hold my head up in defeat.)
Optimist Clubs do a lot of great things for kids. They still conduct their annual oratory
contest. In many ways, that contest was the first step in my career as a professional speaker.
I have a soft spot in my heart for Optimist International.
William Arruda mentioned Optimist International and the Optimist Creed in one of his
newsletters. It prompted me to include the Optimist Creed here.
Promise Yourself:
• To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
• To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
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• To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

• To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
• To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the
best.
• To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your
own.
• To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of
the future.
• To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you
meet a smile.
• To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to
criticize others.
• To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too
happy to permit the presence of trouble.
If you commit to living these ten ideas, you’ll be a more self-confident person—it’s only
common sense.
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Common Sense Quote
“Self-confidence is one important key to success. Preparation is an important
key to self-confidence.” - Arthur Ashe

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Our Deepest Fear
Marianne Williamson has some great things to say about fear—especially the fear of
success …
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most
frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your
playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all
meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as
we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence auto-
matically liberates others.”
I love this little passage. To me, it gets at the essence of self-confidence—our ability to
embrace our strength and light, to use it to help us succeed and to help make the world a
better place.
The common sense point—embrace your light. Be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and
fabulous. Help others do the same.
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Optimism in the Face of Adversity
Here is the text of an email message I received from Glenn Cantor, a friend of mine.
Glenn was caught in a merger and lost his job. Notice his optimism.
Bud,
After 17 years with Pfizer, in their consumer healthcare and OTC
business, I have been forced into a career search.
As you know, Pfizer Consumer Healthcare was purchased by Johnson
and Johnson. I have been informed by my current manager that I will not
be offered a position with the new Johnson and Johnson organization.
WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY! I find myself with a myriad of
options and opportunities—both in my current business or with something
in a totally new direction.
Already, I have initial contacts and preliminary interviews scheduled.
Thank you for your continued, common sense advice. If you know of
anyone looking for a highly motivated, high integrity person with 17 years
of consumer packaged goods experience, please send them my resume. Of
course, the best recommendation you might attach to my resume is that I
am a “Common Sense Guy” disciple (who often wears my “Common Sense
Guy” cap).
Best Regards, Glenn
Now there’s a man with some self-confidence! Glenn, through no fault of his own, has
just lost his job. Instead of crying in his beer, he is moving forward quickly and aggressively
to find a new job. As I’ve mentioned several times, action cures fear—the biggest enemy of
self-confidence.
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I like Glenn’s action style, but I was more impressed by the words “WHAT A GREAT
OPPORTUNITY!” It takes a lot of self-confidence to lose a job in a merger and simultane-
ously see it as an opportunity. Personally, I think Glenn is correct. This is an opportunity to
go on to bigger and better things. He sees it that way, because he is a confident person. He
has an understanding of the risks involved, but he thinks enough of himself and his abilities
to make the most of a difficult situation.
The company who hires Glenn Cantor will be glad they did.
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Serena Williams
I’m a tennis fan. The 2007 Australian Open (one of tennis’ four major events, along
with The French Open, Wimbledon and The US Open) was very interesting to watch. Not
because Roger Federer won the men’s title—after all, he is the world’s number 1 player and
the dominant figure in tennis today—but because Serena Williams won the women’s title.
This was very surprising as Ms. Williams was ranked 81st in the world going into the tour-
nament. She beat Maria Sharapova, the number 1 woman in the world, 6 – 1, and 6 – 2 in
the finals. For those of you unfamiliar with tennis, this would be like winning the Super
Bowl by a score of about 28 – 7.
I bring this up here, because Ms. Williams’ self-confidence was a big reason for her
victory. Here’s what the Associated Press had to say about Ms. Williams’ win:
“Serena Williams answered her critics with an overpowering victory at the

Australian Open Final. Unseeded and ranked 81st, Williams won her eighth
and most improbable Grand Slam title today, beating Maria Sharapova 6 –
1, 6 – 2. ‘It was an awesome win because I had so many critics. So many
people saying negative things,’ Williams said. ‘Saying I wasn’t fit when I felt
that I was really fit, and I could last three sets. It’s always like, tell me no,
and I’ll show you that I can do it. I get the greatest satisfaction just holding
up the Grand Slam trophy and proving everybody wrong.’ The victory was
the most dominating win in a completed match at Melbourne Park since 1994.”
Good for Serena Williams. Once the number 1 woman tennis player in the world, she
had fallen on hard times recently. She played only six tournaments in 2006 because of
injuries. The 2007 Australian Open was the beginning of a comeback for her—and what a
beginning it was.
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Ms. Williams said that she had worked very hard, both on her game and to get to the
level of fitness required to win a major tennis tournament. And I’m sure she did. However, I
believe that her self-confidence put her over the top in Australia. Put simply, Serena
Williams believes in herself—“tell me no, and I’ll show you that I can do it.” All really great
athletes share this trait.
All career stars share this trait too. They believe that they can accomplish what they set
out to accomplish—and then they go ahead and do it. Self-confidence, the belief in your-
self, is as necessary an ingredient for career success as it is for athletic success.
The common sense point here? The next time someone tells you that you can’t do
something, think of Serena Williams. Believe in yourself, and then do whatever it takes to
accomplish what you want.
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Mark Twain on Self-confidence
Mark Twain once said, “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, then
success is sure.” I love this quote. To me it says, “You’ll be amazed by how much you can
accomplish (success) if you don’t know (ignorance) how hard it is to accomplish it.” If you
don’t know that it’s hard, or impossible, to do something, you are more likely to be able to
do it.
Here’s an example from my life. When I was a junior in high school, the local paper
sponsored a writing contest. The winners got to spend two weeks at Kent State University
during the summer participating in a seminar sponsored by the High School Press Institute.
Only two students from all of the high schools in our county would win the contest. I
decided I was going to win—because winning was the only way I was going to get to go to
the seminar.
Funny thing is, I thought that two students from each school in the county were going
to be selected. In other words, I was ignorant about the difficulty of winning. I was sure that
I was one of the two best writers in my high school. I figured I was sure to win if I wrote
the best essay I possibly could. I wrote a kick-ass essay, sent it in and waited to hear that I
had won.
I won. However, I was shocked when I realized I was one of two kids from the whole
county to win. It was just like Mark Twain said, all I needed was ignorance and confidence.
I was ignorant of the difficulty of the competition; we had about 25 high schools in our
county. It was 25 times more difficult to win than I thought. And I was confident. I knew
the competition in my school, and was pretty sure that if I wrote my best essay, it would be
better than the essays of the other kids. (I knew this, because I was editor of the year book
and newspaper and regularly edited their writing.) My ignorance allowed my confidence to
flourish, and I wrote well. Had I known that I was in a county-wide competition, I might
have been more tentative in my writing—and I might not have won.
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This is just a quick story to illustrate Mark Twain’s quote. The common sense point?
When you are faced with a challenge, focus on your skills and talents, not how difficult it is,
and you’ll be likely to succeed.
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Dottie Walters, Optimist Extraordinaire
Dottie Walters passed away on Valentine’s Day 2007. You probably don’t know who she
was, but in certain circles—professional speakers—she was a legend. Dottie Walters was one
of the pioneers of the speaking business. There is no aspect of it that she didn’t touch or
influence. Her book, Speak and Grow Rich, is one of the all-time best sellers in our industry.
She also produced audio recordings, books, booklets, and her news magazine for speakers,
Sharing Ideas. One could even hear her being interviewed at 30,000 feet, as she often was
highlighted in the airlines’ audio programs. Dottie Walters was a true icon.
However, I’m not writing about her here because she influenced the lives and careers of
many professional speakers, mine included. I’m writing about Dottie Walters here because
she was one of the most optimistic people I know.
In 1948, she was a stay-at-home mother of two. Her husband’s dry cleaning business
was on the verge of collapse due to a recession, leaving them with little income and $5,000
in debt. Dottie became a saleswoman for a newspaper; first ads, then circulation. She founded
a business, Hospitality Hostess Service, kind of like Welcome Wagon. She built it into a
four-office, 285-employee business with 4,000 continuous contract advertising accounts.
She began reading everything she could about sales. She found that all of the books she
was reading were written for men. She went to the library to find some books on sales that
were written for women. When she asked the librarian where the books were for women in
sales, she was assured, “There are no women in sales, so there are no books for them!”
But that very night, in an empty slot on the library shelf, Dottie saw a new book, not
yet produced! She visualized the title, Never Underestimate the Selling Power of a Woman!, and
felt a great tug at her heart. She must write it. As she worked on it, she had no idea that it
would be the first book ever written for women in sales by a sales woman.
In 1962, before it first hit the shelves, Tupperware® bought out the entire first printing
for their team, including a front section with a letter and picture of their President. They
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booked Dottie to speak at their big rallies around the country. Many other direct sales com-
panies followed suit.
She went on from there to produce audio programs, and become one of the founding
members of the National Speakers Association. Dottie Walters was a legend because she
believed in herself. She always looked at the bright side, even when she was selling newspaper
subscriptions while pushing two children in a stroller.
Here are a few of my favorite “Dottieisms.” Enjoy them, but also take them to heart.
Dottie Walters set a shining example, not just for sales people and speakers, but for anyone
who wants to be a success in their career and life.
• Listen to the great conversation of mankind.
• Never sell one when you can sell 2-3-4 or a subscription.
• Look at the marks on your fingertips. You have been programmed to
accomplish great things.
• When the angel knocks and yells at the door of your heart—open it! The bolt
is on your side. Then arise and go forth!
• Bill Marriott told me, “Failure? I never encountered it. I just stumbled over a
few temporary set-backs.”
• Earl Nightingale told me when I was feeling low: “Arrogance is God’s gift to
shallow people. Move on!”
• Mark Victor Hansen told me: “When they say ‘no!’ just say ‘next!’”
• No one else knows what you are capable of. Put your fingers on your wrist and
feel the beat of your own heart.
I never met Dottie Walters, but she has greatly influenced my life and the lives of
thousands of others. We lost someone really special on Valentine’s Day 2007. Me, I have my
fingers on my wrist, feeling the beat of my heart, and I’m moving forward in a self-confident
manner. I hope you are too.
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Be Positive
Being positive is one of the best ways to maintain your self-confidence. When you’re
positive, people treat you positively. Positive people radiate confidence.
So how can I be positive, you ask? Simple. Start with your response to the question you
hear from almost everyone you meet every day. Typically, people say, “Hi, how are you?”
Respond by saying, “Great,” or, “Terrific,” or, “Fantastic.” When you do this, you come
across as confident. People treat confident people with respect and deference.
Here’s a true story. I know a woman who works for one of my client companies. She is
good at her job. However, she continually gets passed over for promotions to positions for
which she thinks she is the best candidate.
This woman is very intense. She takes her job seriously. She often is stressed by all she
has to do. Whenever I see her, I always say, “How are you?” Invariably, in a sarcastic tone,
she replies, “Just peachy.”
I think she thinks that this response gives the impression that she is a hard worker who
is all about the serious business of identifying and solving problems. In fact, she comes
across as overwhelmed, frazzled and out of her depth. It’s no wonder that she has been
passed over for promotions several times.
Contrast this woman with Doug Chapman. I met Doug on a flight from Denver to New
York. Doug is a partner in the investment firm Wealth Management Group. He was returning
home after participating in a Million Dollar Roundtable workshop in Denver. The Million
Dollar Roundtable is an association for high flyers in the financial services industry. As
Doug got on the plane, the flight attendant greeted him by saying, “Good afternoon. How
are you today?” Doug’s response? “Great, today is the best day of my life, and tomorrow will
be even better.” How’s that for self-confidence?
Even when I’m overwhelmed, frazzled and out of my depth, I always respond “great”
when someone asks how I’m doing. This helps me build my own confidence, because I
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think positively about me and my abilities. I’m an optimist. Besides that, I find that people
respond positively to me when I act in a positive and optimistic manner.
Helen Keller, who had very few reasons to be positive, once said, “Optimism is the
faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” If she
could be optimistic, so can you.
Choose to see the positive in what happens to you, and I guarantee that you’ll become
more confident. And, self-confidence is one of the five important keys to career and life success.
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Be Hardy
Optimism is a key ingredient for self-confidence. High scores on optimism tend to be
predictive of success in everything from sports to health, elections and sales. For example,
Met Life salespeople who scored high on optimism sold 27% more in their first year than
their peers who scored low. American Express Financial Advisors found that optimism train-
ing helped increase sales.
Optimists are more resistant to infectious disease and are better at fending off the
chronic diseases that come with middle age. Data from cancer patients show a definite asso-
ciation between pessimism and mortality.
The other day, I found a unique perspective on self-confidence. I was reading the
March/April issue of Harvard Magazine and came across a letter to the editor from Salvatore
R. Maddi, PhD, Professor of Psychology and Social Ecology, University of California, Irvine.
Dr. Maddi suggests that self-confidence “must derive from the courage that leads one to face
stressful circumstances and do the necessary hard work of transforming them from potential
disasters into growth opportunities.”
Dr. Maddi has developed a measure of courage that he calls “hardiness.” According to
Dr. Maddi, hardiness is a combination of three factors: “commitment, control and challenge.”
His research suggests that these three factors facilitate growth under stress.
He goes on to say: “One study showed that hardiness is more effective than optimism
in helping people cope with stresses, by growing though them.”
I find Dr. Maddi’s ideas very interesting. I believe that optimism is an important factor
in self-confidence. I also like what Dr. Maddi has to say about hardiness. To me, it makes
sense that hardiness—commitment to what one chooses to do, willingness to take control of
one’s life, and welcoming challenges along the way—leads to self-confidence.
I also believe that optimistic people are committed to what they choose to do, are willing
to take control of their lives and welcome the challenges they encounter.
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I am not going to quibble about whether optimism is different from hardiness, or if one
is a subset of another. That’s a discussion better left for academics in pursuit of tenure.
However, there is a common sense point here. Self-confident people are both optimistic
and hardy. They commit to a course of action. They take control of their lives and they see
challenges as growth opportunities.
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Jim Rohn on Facing Your Fears
Self-confident people face their fears and deal with them. Here are a few words by Jim
Rohn, one of the best known motivational speakers in the US, on what he calls “facing the
enemies within.” This article captures the essence of what I’m talking about when I say that
self-confident people face their fears and deal with them constructively.
Facing the Enemies Within by Jim Rohn

“We are not born with courage, but neither are we born with fear.
Maybe some of our fears are brought on by your own experiences, by what
someone has told you, by what you’ve read in the papers. Some fears are
valid, like walking alone in a bad part of town at two o’clock in the morn-
ing. But once you learn to avoid that situation, you won’t need to live in
fear of it.
Fears, even the most basic ones, can totally destroy our ambitions. Fear
can destroy fortunes. Fear can destroy relationships. Fear, if left unchecked,
can destroy our lives. Fear is one of the many enemies lurking inside us.
Let me tell you about five of the other enemies we face from within.
The first enemy that you’ve got to destroy before it destroys you is indiffer-
ence. What a tragic disease this is. ‘Ho-hum, let it slide. I’ll just drift along.’
Here’s one problem with drifting: you can’t drift your way to the top of the
mountain.
The second enemy we face is indecision. Indecision is the thief of
opportunity and enterprise. It will steal your chances for a better future.
Take a sword to this enemy.
The third enemy inside is doubt. Sure, there’s room for healthy skepti-
cism. You can’t believe everything. But you also can’t let doubt take over.
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Many people doubt the past, doubt the future, doubt each other, doubt the
government, doubt the possibilities and doubt the opportunities. Worst of
all, they doubt themselves. I’m telling you, doubt will destroy your life and
your chances of success. It will empty both your bank account and your
heart. Doubt is an enemy. Go after it. Get rid of it.
The fourth enemy within is worry. We’ve all got to worry some. Just
don’t let it conquer you. Instead, let it alarm you. Worry can be useful. If
you step off the curb in New York City and a taxi is coming, you’ve got to
worry. But you can’t let worry loose like a mad dog that drives you into a
small corner. Here’s what you’ve got to do with your worries: drive them
into a small corner. Whatever is out to get you, you’ve got to get it.
Whatever is pushing on you, you’ve got to push back.
The fifth interior enemy is over-caution. It is the timid approach to life.
Timidity is not a virtue; it’s an illness. If you let it go, it’ll conquer you.
Timid people don’t get promoted. They don’t advance and grow and
become powerful in the marketplace. You’ve got to avoid over-caution.
Do battle with the enemy. Do battle with your fears. Build your courage
to fight what’s holding you back, what’s keeping you from your goals and
dreams. Be courageous in your life and in your pursuit of the things you
want and the person you want to become.”
This is some great advice from Jim Rohn. The more you “build your courage to fight
what’s holding you back, what’s keeping you from your goals and dreams,” the more self-
confident you’ll become. And self-confidence is one of the pillars of career and life success.
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Ron White on Self-confidence
I subscribe to a lot of on-line newsletters. They often yield some real gems. I found one
of these gems in Ron White’s ezine, www.MemoryinaMonth.com. In the March 7, 2007
issue, Ron began with a piece on self-confidence. I liked it so much, I’m including it here.
Ron White on Self-confidence

“We hold these truths to be self-evident that some men are just flat out
created better than others.” That is NOT what the third President, Minister
to France, Secretary of State and founder of The University of Virginia wrote
at the age of 33 when he penned The Declaration of Independence. Instead,
Jefferson proclaimed that it was self-evident that “. . . all men are created
equal.”
This is a crucial component of a successful self-concept. You see, when
you believe yourself to be inferior to others, that is in direct contradiction of
an attitude of success. In life, you must refuse to give anyone permission to
make you feel inferior. After all, no one can make you feel inferior without
your permission. Personally, no one has my permission.
Let’s use some examples: if you asked me to find a receipt from last
month it may take another month for me to find it; the odds of me walking
to the moon are greater than me successfully reformatting your hard drive;
and if you are proofreading my writing you may discover the most creative
spelling of words ever. These are not my skill sets. On the other hand, most
who could do these things would have their knees buckle two seconds after
they walked out onto a stage with 10,000 eye-balls staring at them.
Do I allow myself to feel inferior because of the things that I am not
good at? Not in a million years . . . and no-one has permission to make me
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feel inferior. On the other hand, do I allow my ego to inflate because of the
tasks I have mastered? I better not.
A healthy self-image, a healthy self-concept is one that embraces the
idea of Jefferson that all men are created equal. Remind yourself of this the
next time you are out performed (and you will be) and when you out per-
form others (and you will as well).”
Great common sense points from Ron White. Don’t let yourself feel inferior just
because you fail at a task or are not good at something. On the other hand, don’t let your-
self feel superior because you succeed at a task or are good at something. Keep things in
perspective.
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Surround Yourself With Positive People
Surrounding yourself with positive people, along with being optimistic and facing your
fears, is one of the keys to self-confidence. I had an experience that really drove home the
point about positive people. I did a talk for Keller Williams Realty that day. Most of the
people in the audience were real estate sales people. My talk was part of the Keller Williams
Lunch and Learn series.
As people entered the room and saw me, most came over, asked if I were the speaker
and introduced themselves. This was great, because it helped put me at ease. Once I knew
people’s names, it was easier to feel relaxed and enjoy doing my talk.
As the moderator kicked off the session, she recognized several people in attendance,
all of whom got a nice round of applause for their accomplishment. When she introduced
me, the audience also applauded. During my talk, I could see people taking notes and nod-
ding their heads as I spoke. All of this made it easier for me to connect with them as an
audience, and to do a better job on my talk. In short, my self-confidence was buoyed by
what happened prior to, and during my talk.
I’m a professional speaker. I do lots of speeches. And I get a little nervous before each
one. I welcome these nerves, because I know they are my body’s way of telling me that I am
up for the presentation. I worry when I’m not a little nervous, as that is an indicator that I
might be a little flat during the talk.
However, because people introduced themselves to me, and by the way they acted prior
to my talk, I knew that this was a positive audience. This kept my nerves in check and
enhanced my self-confidence.
When I got to the part in my talk about surrounding yourself with positive people,
everyone in the audience nodded. They got it—they knew exactly what I was talking about.
After the talk, a few people came up to me to discuss that very point. They said that being
in the company of positive people was one of the most important things in their success.
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This is a small example, but a telling one. To succeed in sales, one has to be self-confident.
By its very nature, selling involves a lot of set-backs and rejection. It takes a self-confident
person to make the next call, after not getting anywhere on the previous five. Successful
sales people face and deal with their fears of rejection. And, they seek out positive people to
help them motivate themselves to keep doing what it takes to succeed.
This is important in life as well. The people around you have an amazing impact on
your view of life. The common sense point here is simple. When you surround yourself
with negative or cynical people, you become negative and cynical. On the other hand, when
you surround yourself with positive, self-confident people, you become positive and self-
confident.
The choice is yours—I choose to surround myself with positive people. Not only do
they help my self-confidence, they are more fun.
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Erin Gruwell and Self-confidence
Have you seen the movie Freedom Writers? It is the true story of a remarkable teacher,
Erin Gruwell, and a group of high school students in Long Beach, CA. The story is set in
1994, just after the racial turmoil caused by the Rodney King trial and the OJ verdict. Ms.
Gruwell was a new teacher, assigned to teach a class of at-risk kids. The racial tension in the
LA area was apparent among the Black, Latino, Asian and one white kid in her classroom.
This movie really touched me. I was impressed with Erin Gruwell’s commitment to her
job. She succeeded against terrible odds. I hope that you’ll see the movie, and log on to Erin
Gruwell’s site, www.freedomwritersfoundation.org, to learn more about her and the kids she
taught.
If you log on to the Freedom Writers site and click on the button, “About Erin
Gruwell,” you’ll find this:
“Nothing could have prepared Erin Gruwell for her first day of teaching at
Wilson High School in Long Beach, Calif. A recent college graduate, Erin
landed her first job in Room 203, only to discover many of her students
had been written off by the education system and deemed “unteachable.” As
teenagers living in a racially divided urban community, they were already
hardened by first-hand exposure to gang violence, juvenile detention, and
drugs.”
However, Erin Gruwell believed that she could teach these unteachable students and
make a difference in their lives. Erin Gruwell had three things going for her:
1. She believed in herself as a teacher, she was confident that she had the skills
and motivation to succeed;
2. She was optimistic;
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3. She was willing to face her fears—about herself and about the situation in
which she found herself.
Let’s look at each of these.
Belief in Herself
As the movie begins, we see a young, enthusiastic teacher having a conversation with
the head of the English Department. Erin is bubbly and excited about teaching. Her boss is
world-weary and tells her that the school has changed since busing and the best that she
can hope to do is baby-sit the at-risk students she has been assigned. However, Erin sees it
differently. She tells the head of the English Department that she was hired to teach and she
plans on teaching. She is confident that the students will learn.
Erin’s idealism carries her through a rough start with the class. She is confident that
they can learn and she can teach. She just has to find the right way of teaching so that the
students will learn. I believe that her belief in herself was a key reason why she ultimately
succeeded.
Optimism
Dictionary.com defines “optimism” as a “tendency to look on the more favorable side of
events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.” As a young teacher, Erin
Gruwell was assigned the most challenging students. Many thought that these students were
incapable of learning. However, she believed that all students, given the right circumstances,
can and will learn. Erin’s optimism gave her the energy and passion to stick with her stu-
dents, ultimately unlocking their ability to learn. A pessimist—one who has a tendency to
look on the less favorable side of events or conditions and who expects the least favorable
outcome—would not have been able to achieve what she did.
Facing Fear
Erin Gruwell had every right to be afraid for her physical safety. Students in her class
carried guns and knives. A fight broke out in her class on the first day of school. The head
of the English Department warned her to not wear her pearls in class. The school itself
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seemed to be composed of several warring factions: Latinos, Blacks, Asians and Whites. It
was a dangerous place. On the other hand, she was a young teacher just out of college,
assigned to teach a difficult group of students. She had to fear for her success. This was not
an easy assignment.
Yet she persevered. She went to school every day. She wore her pearls. She faced her
fears for her physical safety. She also was willing to try unorthodox teaching methods, as the
methods she learned in college obviously weren’t working with the students to whom she
had been assigned. It had to be scary to try new and different approaches to education with
this group of students. But she did, and she succeeded because she did.
These are a few stories about how Erin Gruwell’s self-confidence was the platform on
which her success was built. You’ll have to see the movie to learn more.
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Some of my favorite quotes
on self-confidence...
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.” - Samuel Johnson
“Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you

already had the confidence you desire to have.” - Brian Tracy
“Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about
your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not
with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you
to do.” - Pope John XXIII
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and cour-
age. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it.
Go out and get busy.” - Dale Carnegie
“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing
to be wrong.” - Peter T. McIntyre
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is
marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and
comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great
devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in
the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly.” - Teddy Roosevelt
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“We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always
generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.” - Frank Tibolt
“Self-confidence is one important key to success. Preparation is an impor-

tant key to self-confidence.” - Arthur Ashe
I have included these quotes in this order because they follow a logical progression (to
me at least).
Samuel Johnson tells us that self-confidence is necessary if we are going to accomplish
anything. That’s why self-confidence is the first point on my career star model, and some-
thing about which I post every Monday.
Brian Tracy tells us to “act as if” we are self-confident even if we aren’t. Because if we
do, we’ll eventually become self-confident. I subscribe to this “fake it till you make it” phi-
losophy. It worked for me when I was a young guy conducting my first supervisory training
programs over 30 years ago. That’s why positive personal impact is another point on my
career star model. Acting as if you are confident—even if you aren’t—will help you make a
positive personal impact. This positive personal impact will result in people reacting posi-
tively to you. People reacting positively to you will increase your self-confidence. It’s a nice
upward spiral.
Pope John XXIII tells us to forget about past failures and focus on our potential. He
points out that it’s never too late to become a success. This advice dovetails nicely with what
Dale Carnegie has to say about the importance of action—actually doing something. The
mere fact that we try—even if we fail—helps build our self-confidence and courage.
Peter McIntyre reinforces this point when he tells us to not fear failure. If we live our
lives being afraid of how we might fail, we’ll never accomplish anything. There is an old
saying that “a ship is safe only when it is in a safe harbor—but that’s not the purpose of
ships.” The same is true for human beings.
Teddy Roosevelt echoes these thoughts. In essence, he says “better to try and fail, than
not to try at all.” By the way, this is one of my favorite quotes. I used it to introduce one of
my books.
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Frank Tibolt tells us that action leads to inspiration—not the other way around. Finally,
Arthur Ashe tells us that action is good—but preparation before action is even better.
Here are the common sense points I take from these quotes:
• Be confident that you can reach your dreams and potential.
• Be willing to take a risk and do something when you are not confident that
you will succeed.
• Relish the challenge of being in the arena—where many people can see your
triumphs and failures.
• Be willing to prepare before putting yourself out there.
Like all common sense, these points are easy to say, harder to do. But like all applied
common sense, the rewards associated with doing them will be great.
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Final Thoughts on Self-confidence
Self-confidence is the first point on the career star model for a reason. Self-confidence is
an important key to success in life and in your career. Self-confident people get noticed
more. They usually achieve their goals. People who lack self-confidence struggle to meet
their goals—often, they don’t even set goals.
Here are my thoughts on how you can build your self-confidence, and get a head start
on becoming the star you are meant to be.
1. Self-confident people feel good about themselves. They have a healthy self-
esteem. One way to build your self-esteem is to make a list of your
accomplishments every day. This list will help you develop a realistic view of
yourself and your many positive accomplishments—which you sometimes
don’t notice. Over time, a review of several of these lists will help build your
self-confidence.
2. Set clear goals. Break big goals into smaller, manageable tasks. Give yourself a
pat on the back every time you complete a task and achieve a goal. These small
celebrations will boost your self-confidence and keep you moving toward your
dreams.
3. Find a mentor to help you reach your goals. We all need advice and support
sometimes. Mentors can be people you know and admire. Mentors can also be
people you engage to help you meet your goals; someone like an executive
coach. If you decide to work with a mentor, meet with him or her regularly to
get advice and support.
4. Hang out with positive, supportive people. Spend time with people who like
and respect you. These relationships will help your self-confidence. Support
works two ways. Be willing to give the same support and respect to the people
who support you as they give you. Run from people who are negative and
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critical of you. They are self-confidence killers.

5. Mike Ditka, former professional American football player and coach once said
“success isn’t permanent and failure isn’t fatal.” Don’t be afraid to fail. Learn
from your failures and move on. Tell yourself that you will succeed the next
time. Failures can overwhelm you. Don’t let them.
6. Keep fit; exercise regularly and eat well. When you are fit and healthy, you’ll
feel better about yourself and accomplish more.
7. Be interested in what’s going on in the world. Watch the news, read the news-
paper or online news sites. When you meet new people, take the time to learn
about and from them. If you keep on meeting new people and developing new
interests, you’ll keep your mind happily occupied and boost your self-confidence.
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Personal
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Chapter 4
Personal Impact
Successful people make a positive personal impact. They are memorable. People want to
meet them, work them and just be around them. I’ve learned that people want to meet and
work with others who make them feel comfortable. These kinds of people are comfortable
with themselves. They know who they are and what they have to offer the world. They also
make other people feel comfortable. They dress appropriately for any situation. They put
people at ease because they are polite and friendly.
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Personal Impact Snippet 1:

Telephone Etiquette
The telephone is one way to make a positive personal impact. In The Little Instruction
Book of Business Etiquette, Valerie Sokolosky (vandc@onramp.net) presents some great ideas
on how to use the telephone to help you make a positive personal impact.
Valerie Sokolosky’s Telephone Do’s and Taboos

• Identify yourself and your company at the beginning of a conversation.
• Always ask if the person has time to discuss the business at hand. If not,
request a more convenient time.
• Analyze your telephone voice. Practice it on your voice mail or answering
machine to improve your pitch, speed, clarity, and general tone.
• Always keep a note pad by the phone to document the conversation and to
summarize when closing the conversation.
• Avoid making business calls before 9:00 am or after 4:00 pm. Allow people to
begin and end their days uninterrupted.
• When you get someone’s voice mail, leave a brief message—including your name,
the day and date, time, the purpose of your call and your telephone number.
• It is not polite to call and hang up several times without leaving a message.
• Answer and return calls promptly. If possible, return calls the same day.
• Never put someone on hold without asking their permission. Then, be brief.
• Tell the person who has interrupted your conversation that you will call him or
her back, and then back to the first caller quickly.
• Place your own calls; don’t have your assistant place them for you.
• Never hang up after dialing a wrong number without first apologizing.
These are some common sense tips on how to use the telephone to make a positive
personal impact. Use them, and you’ll be on your way to becoming a career super star.
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Dealing With a Colleague’s Grief
Lydia Ramsey is an expert in business etiquette and a friend of mine. Knowing and
using proper business etiquette is an important part of creating a positive personal impact.
Recently, I read an article that Lydia posted in August 2005.
Read on to see what Lydia has to say about the etiquette of dealing with grief.
When Your Client, Colleague or Coworker Suffers a Loss

“On a beautiful spring day last April I was driving home to Savannah from Charlotte
after welcoming my first grandchild into the world. Little Samuel Carroll Niles was whole
and healthy, and life was good—almost. My husband had suffered a serious fall in October
and was unable to accompany me. He seemed to be recovering well, but I was still concerned
about him.
I was nearly home when my cell phone rang. The call was from a friend who had
stopped by to visit Hank and became alarmed when there was no response. I drove into my
driveway with the lights of the EMS truck flashing in my rear view mirror. On May 11th I
lost my warm, wonderful, gentle husband. Within a three-week period I became a grand-
mother and a widow.
As I have attempted to get back to life “as normal” for the past four months, I have
found that grief has its own timetable. Today I am finally able to sit at my computer and
write again to you and the other subscribers of this newsletter. It is often difficult to know
what to say or do when a death occurs. I want to share with you what I have learned first-
hand that may help when someone you know loses a loved one.
It is important to do something. Many of us are so uncomfortable with death that we
don’t do anything at all—afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.
Attend the funeral or the memorial service if you can. Your presence offers immeasurable
support. Even if you can’t speak directly to the family members, you can sign the book that
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they will look at over and over again, and they will know you cared enough to be there.
Write a note as soon as you can. Personal notes of condolence offer more comfort than
you can imagine. I was moved by the variety of ways people expressed their sympathy.
There were those who simply spoke of their sincere sorrow at my loss. There were those
who described what Hank had meant to them personally. Others wrote about the character
and personality of the special person I had lost. I was grateful for each and every one.
Commercial sympathy cards are equally cherished. It was clear to me that the commercial
cards I received had been carefully chosen. Each one came with an additional sentence or
two written by the sender. Be sure you take the time to add a short personal note.
Send flowers unless the family specifies otherwise. Send them to the family home, the
funeral home, the church or the gravesite. Flowers add warmth and are visual reminders of
the support of friends. Some friends sent flowers and personal gifts weeks later to confirm
that neither my pain nor I had been forgotten.
Take food and other items for daily living to the house. The last thing the grieving fami-
ly can think about is grocery shopping and meal preparation. A thoughtful neighbor called
and said, “I am going to the grocery store. What do you need?’ My response was a con-
fused, “I have no idea.” This kind, generous person filled her car with everything from fresh
fruit and vegetables to paper towels and toilet tissue. She even included items for the four-
legged members of the family.
Make a contribution to the charities indicated by the family. Honor the wishes of the
deceased by giving to the causes they valued unless the obituary states that contributions
should be made to the donor’s favorite charity. If you missed the death notice and don’t
have that information, call the funeral home. They will have a record.
It is not necessary to do or say something grand or eloquent. Any gesture you make is
comforting. A simple word, a hug, a phone call, a card or an offer to run an errand are just
a few ways to express your sympathy.
Keep in mind that great authors, poets and thinkers have written for centuries about
grief and loss, searching for just the right words to console themselves or someone else.
When all is said and done, there are no words. Sometimes the best you can offer is a
heartfelt “I’m sorry.”
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I hope that what I have learned during this painful period will help you to reach out
with confidence and ease the next time someone close to you suffers a loss.”
This is some great common sense advice from Lydia Ramsey on how to deal with
someone else’s grief. But, like most common sense, it is not helpful unless you use it.
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Personal Impact Quote
“If you’re not unique, you’re a commodity. Your brand is who you are and
the things that are incredible about you. It must be based on authenticity.”
- William Arruda

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Charisma
The other day, Debra Benton sent me an email with a link to Donald Trump’s blog
where an article she wrote on developing charisma was posted. I checked out the post and
really like it. Debra makes some great points—all of them are common sense advice on
developing not only charisma, but a powerful personal impact.
How to Develop Charisma: Twelve Key Moves

• Expect acceptance. Regardless of rank, expect to be treated as an equal. If
you expect acceptance, you are likely to get it. If you don’t expect it, you
definitely won’t.
• Control your attitude. Success is based more on mental attitude than on
mental capabilities. Be optimistic toward yourself, others and life. Walk into a
room with a spring in your step and a smile on your face.
• Perfect your posture. Lift your ribcage away from your pelvis, roll your
shoulders back and down, pull your stomach in and tuck your bottom toward
your spine. Breathe deeply. You’ll not only look better, but feel more energized,
alert and in control.
• Think before you talk. Think fast, pause, then speak purposefully. One
CEO I know practices saying everything to himself before he says it out loud.
That allows him to hear how it sounds so he can change it if he needs to.
• Slow down. People who talk too fast, move too fast, gesture too fast and
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walk too fast look nervous and scared. Scared people get passed over. Learn to
speak in a comfortable, easygoing and welcoming way. Don’t waste time, but
speak as if you have all the time in the world for those to whom you are speaking.
• Shoot straight. Everything you say or write can be done in a simple,
straightforward manner. Just do it.
• Be a good storyteller. People understand you better, remember what you
say longer, and find you smarter and more interesting if you use anecdotes to
make your points.
• Be aware of your style. Clothes don’t make the woman or the man, but
they do make a difference. Wear well-tailored, good quality clothes that make
you look like you are in charge. But remember, it isn’t as much about your
look as how you look at things—and what people see when they look at you.
• Admit your mistakes. If you are error-free, you’re likely effort-free.
• Don't be bullied. If you are unjustly criticized, don’t take the bait and get
into an argument. Instead calmly ask: “Why do you think that?” or, “What do
you mean?” or, “What’s that based on?”
• Be flexible. Simultaneously stand out while fitting in with the crowd.
• Be at ease with yourself and others. Look others straight in the eye,
eliminate any defensiveness. Take the edge off your voice. Never let them see
you sweat!
This is some great common sense advice from a woman who has coached many top
CEO’s. I know from first-hand experience that Debra Benton knows what she’s talking
about. If you adopt these principles, I can guarantee that you will become a person who
makes a powerful personal impact.
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Business Meals
I learned a long time ago that business meals are not about the food. Business meals are
about business. You should treat a business meal as you would any other business meeting.
Read on for some common sense advice on using business meals to create positive personal
impact.
About 30 years ago, I learned this lesson in an embarrassing way. I had just joined a
new company. I was the Training Manager for one of the divisions. About a month into my
tenure, the Human Resources Management Team for the corporation was having one of its
quarterly meetings. This was a two-day meeting that was being held at our location. There
was a dinner on the evening of the first day. All of us who worked in Human Resources at
our location were invited.
As it happens, I was living and working in New Haven, CT, a town with a large Italian
population and several very good Italian restaurants. We were to have dinner at one of these
restaurants. One of my colleagues was local. She knew this restaurant well, and was excited
that we had an opportunity to dine there.
The specialty of the house was a dish call “Zuppa de Pesce.” She told me that this was a
dish of all kinds of seafood, including a lobster, served over a big platter of spaghetti with
red sauce. It was her favorite restaurant dish. The only problem was that it was served for
two. Zuppa de Pesce sounded good to me, and I liked this woman so I agreed to share a
platter with her.
I was looking forward to this meal, because it would give me an opportunity to meet
and interact with the senior HR people in the Corporation. I was hoping to make a good
impression, as I thought I might want to make a career with this company. I went home
after work, showered, shaved, put on a clean shirt and suit, and went to the dinner.
Sure enough, Zuppa de Pesce was on the menu, and true to my word, I ordered it for
my friend and me. What a mistake! The food was delicious. However, it came served on
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one of the largest silver trays I have ever seen. It dominated the entire table. Worse yet, they
fitted the two of us with lobster bibs.
My friend was enjoying herself immensely. I felt as if I stood out like a sore thumb.
Everyone else had a bowl of pasta or a piece of fish. My friend and I looked like we were
right out of “The Godfather.”
That’s the night I learned that business meals are not about the food. This particular
meal ended up being a lost opportunity to impress senior people from all over the corpora-
tion. It wasn’t a career killer, but it also wasn’t the career enhancer it could have been.
So after baring my soul about learning the hard way that business meals are not about
food, here are a few common sense tips for business dining.
• Turn off your cell phone or pager. Concentrate your attention on the people at
the table, not the people who might call you.
• Make conversation with the people on your right and on your left when seated
at a large table. If you find that one of these people is being ignored and sitting
quietly, engage him or her in conversation.
• Participate in, but don’t dominate, conversation at a small table.
• Order food that is easy to eat. Pasta that you must twirl is not a good idea. It is
difficult to eat such a dish in a delicate manner.
• Order an item that is moderately priced.
• Drink in moderation or not at all. Order a glass of wine with your meal and
drink it slowly.
• Use excellent table manners. If you are not sure about what to do, watch others
and follow their lead. If you are completely lost, act in a manner that shows
consideration for the people with whom you are dining.
• Let the host bring up business. Usually, business conversations are reserved for
after the main course.
• Make sure to thank your host—even if you know he or she will be reimbursed
for the expense of the dinner.
• Send a handwritten thank you note to the host the next day. Handwritten
notes make you stand out and create a positive personal impact.
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Enthusiasm
Carol, the Career Guru, posted a comment on my www.SuccessCommonSense.com
blog. It said: “Bud, I like your enthusiasm. You even look enthusiastic in your photo. I wish
you the very best.”
Well, thank you Carol—for your comment, your wishes for my success, but most of all
for reminding me about the importance of enthusiasm in creating a positive personal
impact.
I went to Wikipedia and learned some interesting things about the words “enthusiast
and enthusiasm.” Originally, an enthusiast was a person who was possessed by a God. The
ancient Greeks applied the word to manifestations of divine possession in people. The term
“enthusiasm” was also used in ancient times to describe a transformed state. Socrates, for
example, speaks of the inspiration of poets as a form of enthusiasm.
According to Wikipedia, in modern usage the word “enthusiasm” has lost its religious
significance, and means a whole-hearted devotion to an ideal, cause, study or pursuit. Today
a person is said to be enthusiastic if he or she is excited about what he or she is engaged in.
I am whole-heartedly devoted to helping people use their common sense to prosper—
in business and in life. I am excited about what I am doing. So I guess that makes me a
common sense enthusiast.
My enthusiasm has served me well over the years. It has helped me present positively
when I meet new people. It has gotten me through the rough spots that all entrepreneurs
encounter.
Enthusiasm is the key to positive personal impact. People want to meet and do busi-
ness with people who are excited about what they’re doing.
Your enthusiasm (or lack thereof) is always on display. It comes across in your tele-
phone voice, your posture, your voice mail greeting, your emails, and everything you do
when you come into contact with other people.
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The other day, I was in a meeting at a client’s office. A woman I know stuck her head in
the door to confirm a later meeting with the person with whom I was meeting. I said, “Hi,
how are you?” With a hassled look and frown on her face she said in a sarcastic tone, “Just
peachy.” I know she was busy, and I’m a friend whom she probably feels she doesn’t need to
impress but, quite frankly, her personal impact was a disaster.
Contrast this with my friend, Laura Schroder. I called her one day and after I identified
myself, she said “Bud, how wonderful to hear your voice.” At the time, Laura was recovering
from breast cancer—yet her personal impact was great.
So, the common sense point here: show some enthusiasm for who you are, and what
you are doing. Other people will notice and respond positively to you.
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Handshakes
Your handshake is one of the best ways to make a positive personal impact. Recently, I
read an article about handshakes on aboutmen.com. I’ve summarized it here.
Make sure your handshake is firm and dry

We all get nervous and nerves make our palms sweat. Here are a couple of common
sense ideas for keeping your palms dry: first, wash your hands before going to an important
meeting and keep your palms open until the time comes to shake hands. Avoid closing your
fists, because that’s what generates the heat and sweat. Second, wipe your hands before the
handshake. Carry tissue to wipe your hands. Tissue will absorb excess moisture in your
hands and allow you to give a dry handshake.
Make sure your handshake is firm but not too firm

A soft handshake is often seen as a sign of weakness, lack of confidence and/or lack of
interest. These signs are the opposites of confidence and strength, important attributes in
respected and successful people. If you have a weak handshake, firm it up. Firm handshakes
create a good impression. One way to make sure that your handshake is appropriately firm
is to pay attention to how much pressure the other person applies when shaking your hand.
Adjust your handshake accordingly. Give a sturdy handshake, but make sure it is comfortable
for the other person. Save the testosterone for the gym; moderate your grip.
Make sure you grasp the whole hand, not just the fingers
I am sure this has happened to you before. Someone takes your four fingers, not allowing
you to really lock your hand with theirs. Avoid doing this to other people. Usually, this happens
by accident. If you inadvertently give someone a finger-grab shake, apologize and ask the
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person for a second handshake. It might sound awkward, but people actually remember
this and will appreciate the respect derived from a real quality handshake.
Use a classic handshake

Sometimes you might feel as if you need a manual to decode some of the weird hand-
shakes people use. Kids twiddle, slap, click, and dance with their fingers, and they actually
consider these handshakes. But in the career world, it’s best to act grown up. A simple, firm
handshake will do you fine every time.
A handshake is a very simple gesture, but it plays a large role in determining how others
perceive you and in creating positive personal impact. The best, most common sense
advice—make sure you shake hands firmly, while looking the other person straight in the
eye. This will allow you to make a great first impression and a positive personal impact.
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Attire
Your attire says a lot about you. Make sure that it helps you build a positive personal
impact. Here are 25 tips on how to dress for positive personal impact . . .
1. Remember that “business” is the first and most important word in the phrase
“business casual.” Dress like you’re going to work, not to a sporting event.
Wear a blazer as a light jacket in warm weather and under your top coat in
colder weather. A blazer says power, authority and confidence.
2. Dress appropriately for your work situation. It is usually hard to be overdressed.
Err on the side of caution if you don’t know what is appropriate.
3. Observe successful people in your organization. What do they wear? Dress like
them.
4. Dedicate time and money to your business wardrobe. Purchase your clothing
according to a well-thought-out plan. You can stretch your clothing budget by
getting things on sale, but only if you have a plan.
5. Learn your company’s unwritten dress code. Make sure you conform. Show the
world how creative and with it you are in your off-work hours.
6. Buy the highest quality clothes that you can afford. This will pay off in the long
run. High quality clothes look better and wear longer.
7. Buy blazers first. Blazers are an important staple of a business casual wardrobe—
for both men and women. Every business person should have one black
and one navy blue blazer.
8. Make sure your clothes fit well and are well tailored. Use the three-way mirror
when trying on clothes. Make sure you look good from the front, back and side.
9. Keep your clothes looking good. Find and use a good dry cleaner. Send your
clothes to the cleaners after every three wearings. Do not try to press a good
suit using a hotel iron. Call the valet.
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10. Make sure your blazer has all of its buttons, and that the hem of your skirt
doesn’t hang down.
11. Air out your blazer overnight. Hang it outside your closet. This will allow the
fibers to return to their natural shape and help alleviate any odors picked up
during the course of the day.
12. Travel with your blazer. You can dress it up with flannel trousers or skirt, a
white shirt and tie. You can dress it down with khakis and a golf shirt. It is an
indispensable part of your traveling wardrobe.
13. Leave your jeans for the weekends. They may be acceptable at your place of
work, but well-pressed khakis look a lot better.
14. Wear over-the-calf socks if you’re a man. No skin should show when you cross
your legs.
15. Make sure your shoes are shined and in good repair; this is true for women
too. Run-down heels, and holes in your soles give a poor impression. A good
shoeshine puts a bounce in your step and helps your confidence.
Well-maintained shoes demonstrate your attention to detail.
16. Rotate your shoes. Try to not wear the same pair two days in a row. Shoes need
time to breathe between wearings.
17. Buy high-quality accessories, especially watches and pens. Wear jewelry that is
understated, not gaudy. Save the bling for parties and clubs. Buy the best
quality briefcase you can afford.
18. Ask about the dress code when you are invited to a social event. You don’t
want to be underdressed or overdressed. When you are the host, and
appropriate dress might be in question, say something like “I’ll probably wear a
golf shirt and khakis,” or “I’ll probably wear a blazer and tie.”
19. Freshen your breath with one of the strips that have become common in the
past few years. Don’t chew gum. Ever. It makes you look like a cow.
20. Keep your hands looking good; if you bite your nails, stop. Men don’t need to
get manicures, but your nails should be neatly trimmed. Women should avoid
manicures that draw a lot of attention to their nails.
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21. Pay attention to any unwanted hair. Trim your nose hair, eyebrows and ears
regularly.
22. Wear minimal amounts of after-shave, cologne or perfume. You want people to
remember you for what you have to say, not how you smell.
23. Wash your hair daily. Dirty hair can have a bad odor. Clean hair prevents
dandruff. It helps you look well groomed.
24. Comb your hair several times a day—especially after coming in from outdoors.
A quick look in the mirror will show you just how windblown your hair can
get, even on a day that is not particularly windy.
25. Have your hair cut and styled regularly. Your hair stylist is your friend. Visit
him or her as often as necessary to keep you looking sharp.
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What Not to Wear
I saw this sidebar in the Denver Post; it applies here.
Climbin’ Togs
Looking to rise up in the ranks at the office? Your wardrobe could make the difference.
TheLadder.com, an employment website that specializes in the well-paid executive, asked
employers what they consider the worst fashion mistakes ambitious types make at work.
Here’s the ranking:
1. Revealing clothes
2. Flip-flops
3. Jeans
4. Sleeveless shirts
5. Sneakers
6. Visible tattoos and piercings
7. Clothing with inappropriate slogans
Pretty much common sense, huh? However, some folks must not be using their com-
mon sense if these seven items rank high on the list of things that people should not do,
but do anyway.
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“You feel incredible when your clothes reflect your personality. The hard
part is getting your head around the fundamentals of what looks good on
you in the face of endless choices.” - Nicole Williams

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Steve Ventura on Appearance
Steve Ventura is a friend of mine. He has edited two of my books. Steve is also a writer;
I really like his book, Start Right, Stay Right: Every Employee’s Straight-Talk Guide to Job Success.
Steve has some interesting things to say about personal impact.
Look Your Best

Ever notice that—with the exception of certain “show biz” types—most
successful people just plain look good? If you haven’t, pay closer attention
and you’ll see that it’s generally true. High achievers care . . . about their
careers and themselves. They care about the image they portray, which
means caring about their appearance. To cite the somewhat worn, but still
valid, cliché, they “dress for success.” More accurately, they groom for suc-
cess. And if you’re serious about doing well and getting ahead, you need to
as well.
The good news is that looking your best doesn’t take big bucks or require
that you dress like someone you’re not. It’s just a matter of taking pride in
your appearance. It’s about being neat and clean . . . about things like
unwrinkled clothes, unscuffed shoes, moderate makeup and accessories,
and good personal hygiene. And those things are applicable to (and impor-
tant for) everyone, regardless of position, level, function, sex, race or age.
Make an effort to look your best and you will feel better about yourself.
And others (bosses, co-workers, customers) will respond more positively to
you. It just works that way.
So, getting ready to leave for work? Look in the mirror. Do you see some-
one who doesn’t care? Someone who apparently slept in his or her clothes?
Someone trying to make a rock star fashion statement? Or do you see a per-
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son who takes his or her job seriously and expects other to take him or her
seriously as well?
Steve provides some good advice on making a positive personal impact. The common
sense point: pay attention to how you look—other people are.
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Thank You Notes
Eileen McDargh suggests a simple, common sense way to make a positive personal
impact—thank you notes. I’m a big believer in thank you notes. I write (not email) them all
the time.
Thank you notes are a great way to make a positive personal impact. This is especially
true today, when a well-written thank you note is a rarity. If you take the time to handwrite
thank you notes, you’ll reap the benefits a hundred times over.
Here is an article Eileen has written on thank you notes.
“I’ve watched hula hoops, ‘Father Knows Best,’ and Dick Tracy watches
vanish into the pages of history with nary a whimper. I’ve stood by and
shed not a tear for the demise of beehive hairdos, outsized cars, and sexual
stereotypes. But now I must protest. What has happened to all the most
gracious of gratitudes—the thank you note?
I must admit, I grew up thinking it was mandatory to jot a short note
for any party, or gift, or particularly thoughtful gesture. I was forced to write
the thank you note.
And then I really grew up. I think it was when Mother found some old
letters in Nana’s dresser drawer. Yes, included in that musty bundle were a
few thank you notes in a childish scrawl. Could it be that such a scruffy,
short expression of gratitude carried such meaning? Could it be that putting
pen to paper meant more than a brief response over telephone lines? I
decided the answer was ‘yes.’
But with the passage of time, it appears that those of us who scribble
acknowledgements on anything from memo paper to gilt-edged informals
are moving into the same category as the messenger pigeon and dodo bird.
Surely it must be true.
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Why else would friends and colleagues make such a fuss and exclaim
with astonishment, ‘You wrote a thank you note!’ Why would I be so
pleased and amazed when one out of 20 guests takes the time to slip a mes-
sage in the mailbox? Granted, I also learned long ago that true giving
expects no thank you in return. But maybe it’s a rule that we should learn
to bend. Aren’t we more willing to go that extra mile the second time
around for someone who appreciates the effort?
In this hurly-burly, pressure-cooker world of ours, perhaps we need the
touch of parchment, the permanence of ink, and the one-of-a-kind words
that let us know we have counted at all. The thoughtful thank you note
would move from pending extinction to a value-added gesture that could
reap untold benefits.”
© 1998 by Eileen McDargh. All rights reserved.
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So, use your common sense and write a thank you note to people who have been kind to
you. Don’t know the type of stationery to use? Rex Montague, owner of Montague’s card
shop in Denver, CO, puts it this way. “A gentleman uses a card with his name printed at the
top. Ladies use fold-over notes with their names printed on the front.” When I asked him
the reason for this, he said, “In general men are more brief in their notes, while ladies usually
write more. But,” he hastened to add, “women in business are beginning to use the same
type of cards as men.”
Who says that the rules of etiquette are inflexible?
The common sense point: get yourself some nice stationery—cards or fold-over notes—
and get busy writing thank you notes.
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The Power of Nice
I read a book (and I read the entire book in one day) called The Power of Nice by Linda
Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval. Ms. Kaplan Thaler is the CEO and Chief Creative Officer of
the Kaplan Thaler Group. Ms. Koval is the President of Kaplan Thaler. The Kaplan Thaler
Group is one of the fastest-growing advertising agencies in the US. If you know the Aflac
duck, you know Kaplan Thaler’s work.
But I digress.
As I read The Power of Nice, I kept thinking, “This is an amazing book. It really nails a
simple, but powerful idea for building positive personal impact—and one that I have been
neglecting on this blog.” Mss. (I believe this is the female equivalent of Messrs.) Kaplan
Thaler and Koval end the book with these words:
“... we hope we have been able to convince you that being kind and consid-
erate is an equally valid—and we believe more effective—way to get ahead
rather than being selfish and cutthroat. So given that, why not take the nice
route? Not only will it take you further in your career and in your life, but
you’ll feel better about yourself . . . If you act with integrity, compassion
and class . . . you will know, in your core, that you are a valuable and
worthwhile person who can help change the world, one nice action at a
time . . . If you take anything away from this book, we hope it’s the realiza-
tion that there is untapped potential in even the smallest good deed, and
that it can have a multiplier effect strong enough to change the world. Yes, a
random act of kindness can help you become wealthier, healthier, and
wiser. But, most of all, it will make you happier.”
Well said, Ms. Kaplan Thaler and Ms. Koval. Bravo.
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There is tremendous power in just being nice. Here’s an example of what I’m talking
about. In preparation for a recent Spring high school season, I was part of a team conduct-
ing a clinic for high school rugby coaches, parents and student leaders. High school rugby
is a club, not varsity, sport. Therefore, coaches have some recruiting problems that coaches
of varsity sports don’t have. In one of the brainstorming sessions on how to work with
school administrators, one of the coaches said, “Make friends with the secretaries of the
school Principal, the Athletic Director and Club Directors.” This prompted a reply from me
that went something like this: “Great idea. I always build strong relationships with gatekeep-
ers. I remember their names, and always chat with them for a few minutes whenever I call
or visit one of my clients.” In short, I’m nice to administrative people—not because it helps
me get what I want (it does), but because I like myself better for being nice.
This is the type of behavior Ms. Kaplan Thaler and Ms. Koval advocate in The Power of
Nice. If you’re interested in improving your personal impact, get this 119-page, 10-chapter
book. Read it, study it, carry it with you. More importantly, use the ideas that these two
successful women suggest. You’ll be glad you did. I promise.
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Dress One Step Up
Your attire is an important part of making a positive personal impact. It can be a great
help or hindrance to your career and life success. Here’s a real-life and recent example.
Recently, I was contacted by someone who was interested in engaging my coaching services.
When I asked why he chose me as one of the people he wanted to interview, he answered,
“First of all, you were wearing a tie in your picture on the web. You looked professional.”
The rules on attire used to be simple; both men and women wore business suits. Today,
things are a little more complicated. Many companies—even those in big cities—have
adopted business casual as their dress code. Sounds good, but “business casual” means dif-
ferent things at different companies. At small start-ups, jeans and T-shirts are acceptable
business casual wear. At other companies, business casual means a blazer, open-collared
dress shirt and dress slacks or skirt.
Here is my common sense advice on this subject: dress one level above acceptable
clothing in your company.
For example:
• If jeans are acceptable, wear pressed khakis.
• If khakis are acceptable, wear dress slacks or a skirt.
• If T-shirts are acceptable, wear golf shirts.
• If golf shirts are acceptable, wear pressed dress shirts or blouses.
• If open-collared dress shirts are acceptable, wear a tie occasionally.
• If a light jacket or leather jacket is acceptable, wear a blazer.
• If a blazer is acceptable, wear a suit.
• If sneakers or sandals are acceptable, wear polished loafers.
• If loafers are acceptable, wear polished dress shoes.
You get the idea. People who look a little better than those around them get noticed—
in a positive way. It’s not difficult. Look around, see what people typically wear; then build a
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wardrobe that is one step above how most people look. If you do, you’ll make a positive
personal impact. And positive personal impact is an important part of becoming a career
and life star.
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RudePeople.com
There’s a book on personal impact that I really like: The Power of Nice. Toward the end
of the book, authors Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval say, “We hope we have been able
to convince you that being kind and considerate is . . . a more effective way to get ahead,
rather than being selfish and cutthroat. So given that, why not take the nice route? Not only
will it take you further in your career and in your life, but you’ll feel better about yourself.”
The Wall Street Journal had a front-page article in one of its Weekend Journal sections
that made a similar point, but in a very different way. The article, entitled The Snoop Next
Door: Bad Parking, Loud Talking – No Transgression is Too Trivial to Document On-line, had
some legs. I saw it on the front page of the Sunday edition of The Florida Times Union when
I was visiting family in Jacksonville. For all I know, several newspapers around the country
might have run it also.
It began this way:
“Last month, Eva Burgess was eating breakfast at the Rose Café in Venice,
CA, when she remembered she needed to make an appointment with her
eye doctor. So the New York theater director got on her cell phone and
booked a date. Almost immediately, she started receiving ‘weird and creepy’
calls directing her to a blog. There, under the posting, ‘Eva Burgess is
Getting Glasses!’ her name, cell phone number and other details mentioned
in her call to the doctor’s office were posted, along with the admonition,
‘next time you might take your business outside.’ The offended blogger had
been sitting next to Ms. Burgess.”
It appears that there are a lot of web sites and blogs devoted to exposing people who
are not nice for any number of reasons—talking too loudly on their cell phone; taking up
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two parking spaces in a crowded lot; stealing neighbor’s newspapers; failing to pick up dog
leavings; leering at members of the opposite sex; and littering. These sites and blogs have
names like www.caughtya.org; www.litterbug.com; www.rudepeople.com. Some of them
even sell ads and subscriptions.
What does this have to do with making positive personal impact? Plenty—even if
you’re not outed on a blog. You can make a positive personal impact by paying attention to
the things people who write these blogs find offensive and avoiding them—or better yet
doing just the opposite.
Here’s a personal example. A while back, I made an unexpected weekend trip to
Jacksonville, FL. My mother had suffered a mild heart attack and was hospitalized. On my
way to the hospital on Saturday, I stopped at a Subway for a sandwich. This particular
Subway was in a strip mall with a fairly crowded parking lot. I circled the lot once looking
for a parking space and then saw a car leaving. As I was driving to the parking space, a
pick-up truck began to back out of a place between me and the one for which I was headed.
I gave my horn a quick toot to let the driver know that I was behind him, drove past him
and pulled into the parking space. The driver of the pick-up took umbrage that I honked
my horn at him. He pulled up and stopped near me as I was locking my car and told me
so. We had a brief, but unpleasant exchange. He went on his way and I went on mine. No
big deal, but it got me thinking.
I didn’t like how I felt after this incident. Thinking about The Power of Nice, the book I
mentioned in Snippet 13, I had to admit that I hadn’t taken the nice route. Typically, I do.
Most of the time, in a similar situation, I stop and let someone pull out of a parking place,
instead of making them wait for me to pass. I don’t know why I didn’t on Saturday—in a
hurry to get the newly vacated place; distracted because of my mother; hungry. Who
knows? Suffice it to say, I acted in a not nice manner and I paid the consequences. At least I
didn’t read about it on a blog.
The common sense point here—if you make it a habit to behave nicely, you will not
only not show up on blogs like RudePeople.com, but you’ll consistently make a positive
personal impact with the people you meet. The important point is to get into the habit of
being nice. Analyze your behavior in social situations, especially when you have an unpleasant
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one like the incident in the parking lot described above. Ask yourself, “Was I naughty or
nice?” If you were not nice, think about what you can do when a similar situation comes up
again. Then make a conscious choice to do it. Keep on doing it consciously until it becomes
an unconscious habit. If you follow this advice and become consciously nice, pretty soon
you’ll find that you’ve become unconsciously nice—and someone who makes a positive
personal impact.
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Become Wildly Sophisticated
Summers Bruno, my niece, introduced me to a great web site called
www.WildlySuccessful.com, owned by Nicole Williams. After a successful career in
international consulting and business development, Ms. Williams conceptualized Wildly
Sophisticated Media Inc. to re-define the world of career development. Armed with the
conviction that work is far more than resumes and a 9-to-5 grind, her mission is to inform,
inspire and empower young women aged 18-34 to create exciting, fulfilling careers. Ms.
Williams and I have never met, but she and I share a common mission in helping young
people create exciting, fulfilling careers. That’s the main reason I write the www.
SuccessCommonSense.com.
Your attire has a lot to do with making a positive personal impact. Ms. Williams posted
an article on her site in the late summer of 2006. She focused on helping young women
(her target audience) decide what to buy for their fall work wardrobe. I was really impressed
with this article. So much so, that I’m posting it here. While the examples Ms. Williams
uses are for women, her general points apply to both men and women. So guys, put your
macho selves on the shelf and read some really great common sense ideas about how to
dress at work to make a positive personal impact.
“Initially this article was going to focus on up-coming trends. But in reality
the trend issue is easy. It’s equal parts flipping through the latest fashion rag,
and deciding what you’re actually, authentically attracted to and comfortable in.
The hard part is getting your head around the fundamentals in the face of end-
less choices. It isn’t rocket science; it’s just that each and every fall we need a
reminder of the Wildly Sophisticated Commandments of Style:
1. Sweat the small stuff. We’re talking fine details. Shave or wax your
legs if you’ll be wearing a skirt. Take a hard look in the mirror and if
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your upper lip needs waxing, by all means. Even better, have a
professional do the honors. Make sure your eyebrows are shaped,
waxed or plucked so they open your eyes. You want to look
polished. People don’t necessarily notice if you’re groomed, but they
definitely notice when you’re not.
2. Restrain yourself. Never let your accessories wear you. Throw away
the headbands, banana clips and scrunchies—or save them for your
Friday night mud mask. Big, chunky jewelry can look fantastic, but
limit yourself to one key piece. Wear one or two rings, max. And
choose jewelry that you really love. It’s a great way to develop your
signature style and express your personality. Jewelry with a story—
your grandmother’s earrings, the bracelet you bought to celebrate a
milestone, your engagement ring—is beautiful and often becomes a
conversation starter.
3. Know your body. Recognize that every style trend is not designed
for you. This isn’t a limitation—it’s just reality. One of the most
important pieces you’ll purchase is a suit. It’s a big investment, so you
want to make sure it looks amazing. Learn which styles, jacket lengths
and silhouettes flatter your shape and work from there. If you’re not
sure what works for you, go shopping with a very honest friend or book
an appointment with a Saks Sales Associate or personal shopper.
4. Black is your friend. Black staples—pants, 3/4-length jackets, and
skirts—are clean, classic and they always look Wildly Sophisticated.
Not to mention they’re flattering, and they’ll work with everything
else in your closet. Basic black pieces can also stretch your clothing
budget, because they endure through changing seasons and trends.
When you’re dressing for a full day of work and cocktails to follow,
you can use black basics to take you from day into night. Swap your
button-down shirt for something a little more bare and colorful. Add
great earrings, strappy shoes and go hit happy hour.
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5. Focus on your feet. You don’t have to buy stock in Manolo Blahnik,
but a great pair of shoes can make all the difference in your look.
From a fabulous stiletto to a gorgeous pair of boots, your footwear is
the finishing touch. Let’s face it—there’s nothing like killer heels to
make you feel confident and powerful. Oh, and make sure your foot-
wear is polished and clean. This is another one of those details that
people really do notice.
6. Welcome the three-way. Is your blouse bursting at the seams? Is
your bra digging into your back? Not only do ill-fitting clothes look
unprofessional, you’re not doing your boobs any favors. Forget about
sizes and numbers and go by fit. Sizes can vary wildly by designer
anyway, so look for pieces that hug your curves without strangling
them. On the flip side, you don’t want to swim in your clothes. A
great fit shows (but doesn’t overexpose) your shape.
7. Work it. Style is really a synonym for self-expression. Women like
Diane von Furstenberg, Katharine Hepburn and Gwyneth Paltrow
are style icons because they’ve followed their own vision—not a roller
coaster of changing trends. You’ll feel incredible when your clothes
reflect your personality. You can work in the most conservative
environment and still add splashes of individuality to your wardrobe.
From a printed blouse under a tailored suit to crimson polish in
open-toed shoes, think about how to express yourself in ways that
are still industry-appropriate.
8. Consider quality. We’ve all faced this dilemma: You’re shopping for
a new coat and it’s down to two contenders. Both charcoal grey, both
warm, both perfect for a range of outfits. But one is cashmere and
the other is acrylic. One is at the top end of your price range and the
other is a major steal. Which coat? Well, when the cheap acrylic
disintegrates and starts looking like a stuffed animal on your back,
you’ll know you should have splurged for the cashmere. In the long
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run, quality clothes will actually save you money.

9. Invest in accessories. Think about it this way. You’re not going to
wear the same pair of pants all week (one would hope), but your bag
or briefcase is a constant companion. Clients, employers and colleagues
will all notice what’s draped on your arm. Invest in a quality piece that
reflects your style. And in this age of laptops, cell phones and PDA’s, a
bag that will carry both your purse and your hardware is a lifesaver.
10. Relax. Bottom line? It’s just fashion. No-one’s going to fire you for
wearing last season’s Burberry coat. Give it your best shot; know that
style matters and that looking groomed and professional are important
for your career. Have fun. But if you’re spending more time reading
Vogue than actually working, it’s time to re-assess your priorities.”
I love these ten “Wildly Sophisticated Commandments of Style.” And, as I’ve said, they
apply to men as well as women. Guys, just to make sure however, here is my take on each
of the commandments for men.
Commandment 1. Make sure your eyebrows and nose hairs are neatly trimmed.
Ask your barber or hair stylist to trim those nasty hairs that will grow on your ears.
Commandment 2. Guys’ jewelry should be subtle and tasteful. If you happen to
have a Super Bowl ring (big and gaudy), wear it to NFL and ESPN events.
Commandment 3. Buy clothes that fit. I’m a big guy, so I learned early on what
looks good on me and what doesn’t. Shirts that gap at the stomach, and too-tight
collars are not becoming on any man.
Commandment 4. A black suit, blue blazer and gray slacks are the staples of any
work wardrobe.
Commandment 5. Buy high quality shoes and keep them shined. I always wear
shell cordovan shoes for work. Shell cordovan is made from horse hide. It wears
well and shines up beautifully. Even if you can’t afford shell cordovan shoes, make
sure that your shoes are always shined to a high gloss.
Commandment 6. A repeat of Commandment 3. The three-way is a mirror that
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you will find in clothing stores and tailor shops. It allows you to see how the
clothes you are considering buying fit from the front, side and back. Nothing looks
worse than a suit or sport jacket with a vent that gaps in the rear.
Commandment 7. Make your clothes fit your personality. I’m an old preppy, so I
wear button-down shirts and conservative striped ties. Brooks Brothers is a good
place for me to shop. Old prep suits me, and I get a lot of compliments on my
wardrobe. What style suits you? What is the best store for you to buy your clothes?
Commandment 8. To me, this goes without saying. I buy the most expensive and
well-made clothes I can afford. I treat them well, with regular trips to the laundry
and dry cleaners, and they treat me well by keeping me looking good at work.
Commandment 9. One that most guys miss. Watches are a prime accessory for
guys. I have some simple advice on watches. Wear a watch that looks like you are
going to work, instead of one that looks like you are competing in a triathlon—
even if you are a triathlete. If you’re married, wear your wedding ring. If you’re
single and want to wear a ring, I suggest a signet ring worn on the right ring finger.
Commandment 10. I agree, relax. Find clothes that fit, look good on you and are
comfortable. In this way, you’ll feel comfortable and confident. And, feeling
comfortable and confident is a great start on making a positive personal impact.
As I’ve mentioned, Ms. Williams presents some great ideas—for men and women—in
these 10 Commandments. If you just read the header for each, you should get it. I’ve added
my two cents here to help the guys who are too literal to extrapolate her ideas for themselves.
The common sense point to all this: read and learn these ten “Wildly Sophisticated
Commandments of Style.” Think about them and how they apply to you; then follow them.
If you do, I guarantee you’ll make a powerful and positive personal impact at work.
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Sales Manners
Yesterday, I received an email from my friends at www.justsell.com. It had a link to
their newly released ebook, Sales Manners.
Here is some of the common sense advice you’ll find in Sales Manners.
Attention
• Give your complete attention to the person with whom you’re talking (in
appointments, at an event, in a meeting, anywhere). Avoid being distracted by
other happenings in the room, cell phones, and other personal devices.
• Listen with the intent to understand rather than to respond. No interrupting
and include small gaps of silence before responding.
General
• Always say “please” when asking for something (or for someone to do something).
• Always say “thank you” when someone gives you something or does something
for you.
• Avoid using profanity.
• Send handwritten notes of thanks when appropriate (e.g., for meetings, business,
referrals, etc.). Email, IMs, and text messages are the least you can do ... literally.
Appointments and Meetings

• Arrive early (3 - 5 minutes).
• Greet people with a smile and a firm handshake.
• Risk overdressing rather than underdressing (not to be confused with no dressing).
• Avoid sharing your personal challenges.
• Keep on schedule for the time allotted.
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• Do not chew gum.

• Leave people with a smile and a firm handshake.
Trade Shows
• Be approachable (in posture and presence—avoid hands in pockets, arms
crossed, frowns, etc.).
• Stand and smile when people are close to or in your space. Do not sit.
• Avoid small talk with team members that could keep someone from
approaching you.
• Avoid sharing your personal challenges (e.g., fatigue, low show attendance, etc.).
• Greet people with a smile and a firm handshake.
• Do not eat or chew gum while working on the floor.
At the Office
• Always arrive at the office a minimum of 5 minutes early when possible.
• Make the new pot of coffee when you take the last full cup available.
• Replenish drinks in the refrigerator as needed (if provided in your office).
• Minimize interrupting or distracting people during the money hours (in live
discussions, phone discussions, by instant messenger etc.).
• Wear appropriate clothing. Have concern for the comfort level of your
prospects, customers, and office team (and their ability to tolerate seeing your
undergarments and/or areas of your body normally shown only at birth and in
the shower).
• When working through something challenging (or discipline oriented) with
someone, do it privately.
• Always leave the office ten minutes after normal work hours when possible.
On the Phone
• Answer the phone quickly and make outbound calls cheerfully.
• Return phone calls promptly—every minute may count for the prospect or
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customer (regardless of your schedule).

• Speak clearly. Avoid rambling and fluff statements with little value.
• Ask permission to use a speakerphone prior to use.
• Proactively announce all those attending a conference call.
• Keep on schedule for the time allotted.
• Do not chew gum.
Voice Mail (for both internal and external voice mails)

• Speak clearly and to the point—avoid rambling.
• Leave your telephone number twice, repeating it slowly the second time.
Email (for both internal and external email correspondence)

• Write clearly and to the point—avoid rambling. Try not to exceed 250 words.
• Anything longer and it may be better to talk live, if possible.
• Bullet items when appropriate, and use paragraphs to make reading easier for
your recipients.
• Conclude all email correspondence with your phone number and email
address (every time).
• Reply-to-all in your emails only when everyone needs to see your reply.
Dining and Entertaining

• Hold the door open for others. Allow others to get on and off elevators first.
• Leave the best seats at a table for others (generally those seats with a view or
facing the action).
• Treat waiters and restaurant staff with kindness and respect. Rudeness and
impatience, regardless of service or quality levels, will only show poorly on you.
• Wait until everyone is served at the table before starting to eat. If everyone but
you has been served and your meal is delayed, then ask others to please begin
eating.
• Chew with your mouth closed.
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• Never talk with your mouth full.

• Don’t slurp soup or drinks.
• Never take the last food item.
• When passing food, pass the plate rather than an item (do not touch with your
hands something someone else will eat).
• If someone asks for salt or pepper, pass both. Do the same for cream and sugar.
• When passing a glass, do so by holding it toward the bottom. Do not pass a
glass by placing your hand around the area from which someone will drink.
• When using butter, take a portion for your bread plate to draw from during
the meal, rather than drawing from the common butter dish several times.
• Pour beverages for others before filling your own glass. Avoid picking up
others’ glasses if possible.
• Avoid dominating a conversation, but be sure to share appropriate information
as well—minimize one-sided discussions.
• Engage everyone in the conversation, if possible.
• Say “please excuse me” when leaving the table or room.
• Avoid excessive alcohol.
• Wash your hands after using the rest room (and dry them well for the
inevitable handshake).
Life
• When someone tells you they’re not responsible for driving sales, have
patience with them and be compassionate. Not everyone is as fortunate as you.
• This is only some of the common sense advice you’ll find in Sales Manners.
You can download the entire booklet by going to
http://www.salesmanners.com/ebooklet4.pdf.
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AskMen.com on Creating a
Business Wardrobe for Men
Your attire is a big part of making a positive personal impact. A recent AskMen.com
newsletter had some great advice on putting together a business wardrobe. I’ve listed the
salient points below, with a few comments by me.
AskMen.com on Creating a Business Wardrobe

There’s nothing worse than serving someone a $200 bottle of wine when they can’t tell
the difference between a fine beverage and a carafe of the house red or white. On the other
hand, wouldn’t it be great if you could whip up a $2 package of mac and cheese and fool
everyone into thinking it was a gourmet meal?
Treat your wardrobe the same way you would food; pay more for what people will
notice and pay less for what they won’t. There’s no point, for example, on spending $200 on
a pair of socks that no one will see. Splurge on a quality suit, however, and you’ll cut a
dashing figure at any social event.
Confused about what pieces to drop your hard-earned cash on and when to save your
money? Read on to find out which items are worth a little extra investment and how you
can save on the stuff no one will notice.
What to Invest In
Cuff links
AskMen.com advice: They may be small, but they speak volumes about your sense of
style. It’s the little details that count the most and few other items of clothing can add so
much instant class and polish to your look.
Bud’s perspective: I have several pair of cuff links. However, I wear two most often. The
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first is a set of turquoise and onyx inlaid cuff links that I bought on the Zuni reservation in
New Mexico. They are both unique and beautiful. I always get compliments on them. The
second is a set that was made from old typewriter keys. Both have my initial “B”; one has a
white background with a black letter, the other has a black background with a white letter.
These cuff links often get noticed and complimented.
Watch
AskMen.com advice: A great watch may last you the rest of your life and will stylishly
enhance anything you wear. To make sure you buy a timeless piece, go for something with a
black leather band and a silver or, if you can afford it, a diamond face.
Bud’s perspective: I have four watches that I wear for business and casual. I also have a
rubber Casio that I wear for exercise. My favorite is a Cartier Tank watch. It is elegant and
great for business and dress. I have a Tag Heuer sport watch. It is suitable for work and for
casual wear. I have two Swiss Army Watches which I wear for business casual events and for
social events related to business—like ball games. All of my watches have a leather band. I
prefer a leather band to a metal bracelet; I think it looks more sophisticated.
Coat
AskMen.com advice: You wear it every day for much of the year and it’s what people initially
see on you, so consider what kind of first impression you want to make when you buy your
coat. You probably won’t own too many coats, so make the one you do own an invaluable
addition to your wardrobe. A great coat will complement your work clothes handsomely
and will even add style to a jeans-and-T-shirt look. For a timelessly stylish look, choose a
knee-length, button-up wool or cashmere coat in black, gray, navy or camel. Get your coat
dry-cleaned by a reputable service a couple of times a year and you’re good to go.
Bud’s perspective: I am a Burberry fan; I have two Burberry trench coats. One is single-
breasted; the other is a classic double-breasted, like those worn by British officers in the
trenches in WWI (hence the name trench coat). I find that these coats work well for me. I
do not own a wool overcoat. I think such a coat is necessary only in very cold climate cities:
Boston, Chicago, Minneapolis. However, if you like the look of an overcoat, I suggest a sin-
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gle-breasted wool or cashmere in black, navy or gray. I am partial to an understated herring-

bone pattern for such a coat.
Suit
AskMen.com advice: Invest in one good, classic cut suit and you’ll live in it for the next
10 years. Choose a black suit whose pieces can be worn as separates, and look for straight-cut
pants and a sharply tailored blazer. Wear the pants with a classic white-collared shirt for a
semiformal occasion and dress up scruffy jeans and a T shirt with the blazer and some sleek
black runners for a night out.
Bud’s perspective: I suggest that every man should have one black suit, one navy or charcoal
gray suit and one good quality navy blazer with a pair of charcoal gray slacks. I am big, so I
prefer double-pleated pants. I think they look better on me. If you are thin, plain front
pants may be the way to go for you. I suggest that you never wear a suit jacket without the
suit pants. The jacket and pants will look unmatched after a few cleanings. When I travel, I
take a blazer and a few pairs of charcoal slacks. This makes packing easier and my slacks
always are fresh and pressed.
Sunglasses
AskMen.com advice: These will be the “bling” accessory that will make you look cool all
year round, conceal late nights and get you noticed right away. Black or darkly tinted lenses
are most alluring and will never go out of style, so stay away from flashy-colored lenses or
frames. Get a pair with built-in protection from UVA/UVB rays and do your eyes—and your
wardrobe—a favor.
Bud’s perspective: I am partial to Ray-ban Wayfarers or Ray-ban Aviator glasses. These are
classic styles that always look good.
What to Save On
Jeans
AskMen.com advice: With so many choices of denim these days, it’s easy to buy most of
your jeans for a lower to moderate cost. Feel free to experiment with different styles and
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looks by spending less on jeans. One caveat: Whether you wear jeans every day to the office
or just for nights out, do spend a little more on one dark-colored pair with a slightly boot-cut
leg, as you’ll look great in them no matter what you pair them with, and they’ll actually
improve with a bit of age. Additionally, if the rest of your jeans are inexpensive, occasionally
wearing a more expensive pair with the label prominently displayed will give the impression
that you spend more on all of your jeans than you actually do.
Bud’s perspective: I agree. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on jeans. Keep them
freshly laundered and looking good. I find that wearing some khakis when everyone else is
in jeans makes you stand out in a crowd.
Shirts
AskMen.com advice: Never spend more than necessary on basics like T-shirts, button-up
shirts and other casual shirts. These pieces will be worn and washed often, and will therefore
wear out more quickly. Changing up your shirts every so often is also a very inexpensive
and easy way to keep up with trends and ensure that your look stays fresh.
Bud’s perspective: I disagree. Good-looking dress shirts are an important part of any
business wardrobe. I may be a bit stodgy, but I like to wear white shirts for business. In fact,
white shirts have become my signature. I buy my white shirts at Brooks Brothers. I get their
no iron, all cotton shirts. They look clean and crisp all day. You may not like white shirts.
That’s OK. However, I suggest buying shirts that give you a signature look too: bengal
stripe, contrasting collar and cuffs, tattersall. If your shirts have a uniform, distinct look,
people will notice you. Always send your shirts to the laundry; they come back looking bet-
ter than you can do them at home.
Socks and underwear

AskMen.com advice: As long as you get solid black, navy or gray socks you can save money
on them because, quite frankly, no one will notice. Great looking underwear can also be
purchased inexpensively. Check out sales in department stores for discounts on designer duds.
In lower-end department stores you can also buy underwear cheaply; just stick with standard
patterns or solid colors and avoid no-name designer logos and weird pictures (like Papa Smurf).
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Bud’s perspective: I agree.
Ties
AskMen.com advice: Save on ties but take into account the texture of the tie and be sure
to choose only ties made from quality materials—such as silk—as these feel much nicer to
wear and be tied up in. Show your playful side to the ladies and experiment a bit with ties
by having a variety of colors and patterns.
Bud’s perspective: Buy silk ties only. They look and knot the best. I wear striped ties only.
This is part of my look—white shirt, striped tie, dark charcoal slacks. I suggest that you
choose your ties carefully. Avoid whimsical ties—like Mickey Mouse or Snoopy. Choose ties
that will add a bit of color to what you’re wearing, but won’t attract too much attention.
Belts
AskMen.com advice: A truly useful item, the solid black, leather belt with a silver buckle
shouldn’t cost you much and you’ll wear it for years until it falls apart. At this price, you
can afford to buy two, so buy a second in brown leather with a gold or bronze clasp as a
stylish standby.
Bud’s perspective: I agree. You can spend over $500 on a belt. I buy my belts in
department stores for less than $100.
The AskMen.com article concludes: “Fancy packaging for products, like wine and food,
can fool others into thinking you paid a lot more for a product than you actually did.
Clothes are the same way, so dress up your package a little and you’ll seem like the definition
of class—even if the rest of your outfit was purchased for half-price at a discount store. At
first, you may need to shell out big bucks for some of the pricier items, but remember that
these are investment pieces, so you’ll be wearing them for years to come—some may even
last you a lifetime. Plus, after your bank account recovers from your more expensive purchases,
you’ll save tons of money each season when all you have to do is pick out a couple of
cheaper items to stay in style. Here’s to looking great!”
I agree. It’s not hard, nor even really expensive, to look good. It takes a little thought,
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and a willingness to find a style all your own. However, once you find a style all your own,
you’ll be on your way to making a positive personal impact. And positive personal impact is
one of the keys to becoming a career and life success.
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“Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures, costs
nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives,
and thus, like mercy, it is twice blessed.” - Erastus Wiman

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Random Thoughts on Personal Impact
Some random thoughts on positive personal impact . . .
Relax. People are attracted to those who are calm. Even if you are stressed, try not
to show it. People don’t form good impressions of you when you always appear to be
stressed out.
Stand up straight and smile. People respond well to those with good posture. My
friend, Debra Benton, suggests thinking “Cheese Whiz” when you meet someone; this will
help you keep a smile on your face.
Act as if you belong. Treat people—no matter what their status—as equals. Be respectful
of people and their positions, but don’t grovel. If you act as if you belong, people will treat
you as if you belong.
Treat people with care and consideration. Make everyone you meet feel special.
Ask about them. Focus on them when they are speaking. Listen to what they say. Make eye
contact, nod to show you understand what they are saying.
Use people’s names. People like to hear their names. Here’s a personal example. I went
to Penn State; Joe Paterno is the legendary football coach there. I happened to meet him one
day on the street in New York. I introduced myself and told him I was in the class of 1972.
We chatted for a few minutes; he began almost every sentence with “Bud.” I liked Joe before
we met; I really liked him after a five minute conversation on the street in New York.
Match your gestures and body language to your speech. If you are excited about
something, let it show.
Be in touch with your emotions. The more you understand what you are feeling, the
more authentic you seem to others. No one likes a phony. Be willing to own your feelings
and show them.
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Basic Business Etiquette
I’d like to discuss business etiquette; specifically, some basic standards of courtesy. The
bad news is that not enough people know these standards—or if they know them, they
don’t follow them. The good news is that now you’ll know them and, if you practice them,
you’ll be able to set yourself apart by making a positive personal impact.
Basic Business Courtesies

• Open doors for others (regardless of gender or status). Courteous people open
doors for others and hold the door, until everyone in their party has walked
through. They also hold the door behind them if someone else is approaching.
• Allow people to exit elevators prior to entering. If you are near the buttons,
press and hold the “door open” button until everyone in the elevator has made
their exit.
• Always stand to greet visitors. This shows that you respect them as individuals.
Shake hands, and offer your visitor a seat before you sit down yourself.
• Assist your visitors with their coats. Offer to hang it for them. If you don’t have
a place to hang a coat in your office, place it neatly over the back of a chair.
• Introduce the person of lower business rank to the person of higher business
rank.
Business Meals
• Wait until everyone has been seated before unfolding your napkin and placing
it in your lap at a business meal.
• Remember, your water glass is on your right and your bread-and-butter plate is
on your left. If someone uses your bread-and-butter plate, don’t correct him or
her, just place your bread on your dinner plate.
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• If you leave the table during a meal, place your napkin on your chair. Once
you have finished eating, place your napkin neatly, but not folded, on the
table.
• Wait until everyone has been served before beginning to eat.
• Do not put your purse or briefcase on the table.
• Avoid using your cell phone during business meals.
• The host should be the one to bring up business. If you are the host, it is
usually best to wait until everyone’s order has been taken before beginning a
business discussion.
• The most senior person in the group should pay for business meals, unless that
person has delegated that responsibility.
These are just a few common sense tips on business etiquette. If you follow them, you
will find that people respond positively to you—that you’re making a positive personal
impact. And making a positive personal impact is an important part of career and life success.
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Alex Mandossian and “Attending”
Knowing and using the rules of basic business etiquette is one of the keys to positive
personal impact. Paying attention to—“attending” as I call it—to the people with whom you
meet in the course of your business day, is an important, but often overlooked part of busi-
ness etiquette.
In May 2007, I had the opportunity to meet Alex Mandossian in person. Alex is a well-known
information marketing entrepreneur, and a blogger. You can find his blog at www.
AlexMandossian.com. I was attending a seminar he was conducting on how to use telesemi-
nars to enhance my coaching and speaking business.
Virtual book tours are one of the techniques that Alex uses and teaches to help people
like me reach a wider audience. During one of the breaks, I approached Alex with a copy of
one of my books, 4 Secrets of High Performing Organizations. I told him that I’d like to do a
virtual book tour with him.
Even though he was in the middle of conducting a seminar for about 200 people and
had a lot of things on his mind, Alex stopped, looked me in the eye, thanked me for the
book and said “I’d love to, please give the book to one of my assistants.” Then he asked if I
would sign the book for him.
Even though there were several other people waiting to speak to him, Alex took the
time to engage me in a brief conversation about who I am, and why I was attending his
seminar. He complimented me on my book, and was very complimentary of the fact that I
have written five others. As we spoke, he looked me directly in the eye. His body language
made it very clear that he was listening to everything I was saying.
Alex Mandossian has positive personal impact. One reason is that he “attends” to the
person with whom he is having a conversation. Even though there were a thousand distrac-
tions as we spoke, I had the feeling that he was completely focused on me and what I was
saying. I noticed this and appreciated it.
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The common sense point here is simple. One way to make a positive personal impact is
to focus your attention completely on the person with whom you are speaking. Block out
distractions. “Attend” to that one person. “Attending” is a powerful way to show that you
are present and involved with another person and that is an important, but often over-
looked, part of business etiquette. Alex Mandossian knows this and he practices it. That’s
one of the reasons he has powerful personal impact.
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Erin Gruwell and Personal Impact
The movie, Freedom Writers, is the true story of a remarkable teacher, Erin Gruwell, and
a group of high school students in Long Beach, CA. The story is set in 1994, just after the
racial turmoil caused by the Rodney King trial and the OJ verdict. Ms. Gruwell was a new
teacher, assigned to teach a class of at-risk kids. The racial tension in the LA area was apparent
among the Black, Latino and Asian kids and one lonely and fearful white kid in her classroom.
job. She succeeded against terrible odds. I hope that you will see the movie, and log on to
Erin Gruwell’s site, www.freedomwritersfoundation.org, to learn more about her and the
kids she taught.
Besides having the challenge of learning how to teach the group of students to which
she had been assigned, Erin Gruwell had to deal with people outside the classroom. This is
where her personal impact really shows through.
As she was doing something new and succeeding in a situation where nobody thought
she could, Ms. Gruwell was under some pretty close scrutiny from the head of the English
Department, from her fellow teachers, from the principal of her school, from the
Superintendent of Schools and from the Long Beach Board of Education.
There are several scenes in the movie where Ms. Gruwell is quite eloquent in making
her point to one or more of these people, sometimes in the face of extremely rude opposition.
Near the end of the film, she has to once again make her case, this time to the School
Board. She was slated to teach the students in her original class for their Freshman and
Sophomore years. As the end of their second year together drew to a close, the students
implored her to see if she could arrange for a special dispensation to allow her to teach
them as Juniors.
She succeeded. There is a very powerful scene near the end of the movie where she
meets her students on the school grounds and they ask if she will be their teacher for their
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Junior year. She says, “No.” And then smiles and says, “We’ll be together for your Junior and
Senior years.” This news is followed with shouts of joy and lots of hugs.
The point here is that Erin Gruwell was influential with people who had decision-making
authority over her and her career. She accomplished this through her personal impact.
Mostly, she let her results speak for themselves, but she also was quite eloquent in making
her points to these decision-makers.
That’s the essence of powerful personal impact. It’s the ability to carry yourself in a way
and manner that present a person to be reckoned with—someone who is dynamic and
forceful, someone who expects to get what they want. You’ll have to see the movie to see
more of Erin Gruwell’s personal impact in action. By the way, if you think I want you to see
this movie, you’re right!
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on personal impact...
“What makes you unique, makes you successful.” - William Arruda
“Insist on yourself; never imitate. Every great man is unique.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Your personal brand is the powerful, clear, positive idea that comes to
mind whenever other people think of you. It’s a professional alter ego
designed for the purpose of influencing how others perceive you and
turning that perception into opportunity.” - Peter Montoya
“Think of your wardrobe as a marketing expense. If you were a business,

you would spend thousands of dollars on a professionally designed and
printed marketing brochure. You clothes and accessories do the same for
you.” - William Arruda and Kirsten Dixson
“It’s one thing to understand who you think you are. It’s another thing
entirely to express that knowledge through your clothes, the way you com-
municate, your decisions, and choices. Understanding requires thought.
Expression demands action.” - Nicole Williams
“Dress one level up than what is called for.” - Bud Bilanich
“Remember, ‘business’ is the first word in ‘business casual.’” - Bill Rankin
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“The great secret is not having bad manners or good manners, but having
the same manners for all human souls. In short, behaving as if you were in
heaven, where there are no third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as
another.” - George Bernard Shaw
“Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to

those who are present.” - George Washington
“Etiquette—a fancy word for simple kindness.” - Elsa Maxwell
“No one can fail to reap the advantages of a proper, courteous and likeable
approach, or fail to be handicapped by an improper, offensive and resented
one.” - Emily Post
These quotes also follow a logical progression to me.

William Arruda and Ralph Waldo Emerson tell us to revel in our uniqueness. You can-
not have powerful personal impact if you are not in touch and comfortable with who you
are. This is very true when it comes to creating your personal brand. Don’t ever make the
mistake of building an inauthentic brand. If you revel in your uniqueness, you’ll build a
personal brand that helps you make a positive personal impact.
Peter Montoya explains the importance of creating a powerful personal brand.
William Arruda and Kirsten Dixson make a great point when they say to think of your
wardrobe as a marketing expense. It is. Nicole Williams makes a great point about spending
some time thinking about how you dress, and whether your appearance conveys exactly
what you want the world to think of you.
I quoted myself here, because I believe that doing such a small thing as dressing one
level up, has paid off handsomely for me in my life and career.
Bill Rankin is a friend of mine, and a mentor of sorts. He probably won’t recall saying
these words. He said them in an offhanded way in a conversation we were having, as business
casual started to become the norm in American business. Still, he makes an excellent point
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about how to dress for success.

George Bernard Shaw and George Washington do a great job of pointing out that it’s
important to be polite to everybody—not just those people who can help you. Politeness
should be your normal operating procedure, not something you trot out when you think
you can benefit from it.
Elsa Maxwell really hits the nail on the head. Rules are not important, treating people
with kindness and respect is.
Finally, Emily Post sums up the importance of courteous behavior—it impresses everyone;
while discourteous behavior offends everyone.
• Revel in your uniqueness. Use it to develop a powerful personal brand. A
good brand will attract the people you want and repel others. It’s better to
have a small people who are really attracted to you and your message, than to
try to be all things to all people.
• Once you choose your brand, make sure that you do everything you can to
live it and promote it every day.
• Don’t kid yourself, people pay attention to how you look; your clothes,
accessories, shoes, hair, all send a message to the world. Make sure that you
are sending the message you want to send.
• When you go to work, dress as if you are going to work.
• Be polite. People will like you better, and you will open more doors for
yourself than if you are rude.
• Etiquette is not about rules; it’s about making other people feel comfortable.
If you follow these common sense points, you’ll make a positive personal impact with
the people in your life.
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Final Thoughts on Personal Impact
Personal impact is the second point in the career star model. People with positive per-
sonal impact find that it is more easy to get the job they want, and then to succeed in it.
People with positive personal impact are like a magnet—people are drawn to them. Positive
personal impact has a multiplier effect. The more people who gravitate towards you, the
more people they bring with them—and your circle of influence increases.
Here are my thoughts on how you can create positive personal impact, and move for-
ward in becoming the star you are meant to be.
1. A good personal brand is the first step in building positive personal impact. In
their book, Career Distinction: Standing Out By Building Your Brand, William
Arruda and Kirsten Dixson share three simple steps to building your personal
brand:
a. Extract – Unearth your unique promise of value.
b. Express – Communicate your brand to your target audience.
c. Exude – Manage your brand environment.
2. You can extract your unique promise of value by getting to know yourself—
really getting to know yourself. Define your personal vision, purpose, goals,
values and passions. Once you’ve done this, get feedback. Ask the people you
know, like and trust what they think. Then write your brand statement and
profile.
3. You express your personal brand by stamping your resume, cover letter and bio
with your brand profile. It’s almost hard to overdo it. Tie everything you write
and say to your brand. That’s what I do with my Common Sense Guy brand.
4. You exude your brand by how you live your life. William and Kirsten advise
“be on brand in all that you do.” This means your appearance, office space and
business tools.
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5. Speaking of appearance, you can enhance your personal impact by dressing

well. By dressing well, I mean appropriately for your job—better yet, one step
up for your job. If it’s OK to wear jeans and T-shirts, wear khakis and polo
shirts. People do notice how you look. And it’s hard to be overdressed—
especially if you follow the “one step up” rule.
6. Groom yourself. Make sure your hair is clean and looks good. Get your clothes
dry cleaned regularly. Replace lost buttons immediately. Shine your shoes.
Basically, look in the mirror before you leave your house. Ask yourself if you
would want to be seen with you looking the way you do.
7. Learn the basic rules of etiquette. When you know them, you won’t always
have to be thinking about what to do and how to act in social situations.
8. Be polite. Hold the door open for people. Don’t curse. The best piece of advice
I ever got on business etiquette was simple and common sense— “do what you
can to make other people feel comfortable.”
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Self-
Confidence
Impact Performance
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Chapter 5
“The first and best way to get noticed is with results.” - Jack Welch
You can be the most self-confident person in the world, and have terrific personal
impact, but you are not going to succeed if you don’t deliver the goods. You have to perform.
Outstanding performers are reliable. The bosses, colleagues and customers know that they
will do what they say they will do, by when they say they will do it. Outstanding performers
are never satisfied with yesterday’s accomplishments. They look to tomorrow, and see oppor-
tunities for achieving even more.
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Outstanding Performance Snippet 1:

How do you R.A.T.E.?
There’s an old saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” The corollary to that is
“performance is in the eye of the customer.” Your internal and external customers are always
judging your performance. For purposes of this discussion, think of your boss as an internal
customer.
If you go back to the concept of “performance is in the eye of the customer,” some
thoughts on customer service apply here. I have developed a model of customer service that
I use with my consulting clients. It begins from the premise that after any interaction your
customers rate you.
I’ve taken the word “rate” and created an acronym, R.A.T.E. R stands for responsive-
ness; A stands for Assurance; T stands for Tangibles; and E stands for Empathy. There’s a
very important, but somewhat subtle, point about customer service here. If you notice only
one of the four—tangibles—is what you actually do or deliver to your customers. The other
three are the emotional measures by which people judge you. I believe that these emotional
measures are at least as important as the tangibles you deliver, especially when it comes to
creating positive personal impact.
So, you have to deliver the tangibles—whatever your job. You must produce results.
That’s the cost of a ticket to the career star sweepstakes.
However, you have to pay attention to the other three factors—responsiveness, assurance
and empathy—if you’re going to make a positive personal impact while you’re performing.
Let’s look at each of these in detail.
Responsiveness
You have to ensure that your boss and your internal and external customers see you as
someone who is willing to help, someone who understands what needs to be done and is
willing to do it. Other people need to think that you will give them:
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• What they want,

• When they want it,
• In a manner that they can use it.
Assurance
You have to be able to convey trust and confidence. People need to feel that you are
going to deliver. To do this, you must be very knowledgeable about your boss, and your
internal and external customers and their needs and wants. You need to be clear on what
you can offer them to help them meet their goals.
Empathy
Your boss and customers must perceive you as an individual who understands, cares
about and pays attention to their needs. To do this, you need to be willing to walk a mile in
your customers’ shoes. You have to demonstrate to your boss and customers that you are
aware of and sensitive to their unique and individual needs.
The common sense point here: to make a positive personal impact, you must do more
than deliver results. You have to be seen by your manager and your internal and external
customers as a person who is responsive to their requests. You have to build trust with these
individuals, and you need to demonstrate that you understand their needs and issues.
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Goals
Stars perform—that’s why they’re stars. Performance starts with goals . . .
Outstanding performance begins with goals. It’s easier to get somewhere if you know
where you’re going in the first place. Establish clear goals for yourself. Write these goals.
People who take the time to write their goals achieve more frequently than people who don’t.
Keep your goals with you—in your wallet, on a clip board, on your screen saver. Your
goals should be a constant reminder to you of what you are going to achieve. Focus on
them several times a day. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing right now helping me achieve one
of my goals?” If the answer is no, stop and do something that will help you reach your goals.
Stay balanced by creating goals in all areas of your life: career, personal, business, family,
hobbies, health. Make sure your goals are congruent with one another; conflicting goals cre-
ate undue stress. For example, if you have a work goal that is going to take 60 to 80 hours a
week, it will be pretty difficult to realize a goal of running a marathon.
List the reasons you want to achieve each goal you’ve set for yourself. This will help
you when you get tired and frustrated and ask yourself, “why am I working so hard at this?”
Consider what you might have to forgo or give up to reach a goal. These could be
things like family time and hobbies. Ask yourself questions like: “Is this goal important
enough for me to give up my weekly yoga class, or my kid’s soccer games?”
Make your goals SMART—Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results Oriented, Time
Specified. This is a tried and true formula for creating goals that will result in meaningful
accomplishments.
• Specific - Your goals should be targeted, not broad and general. They should
be unambiguous and explicit.
• Measurable - you should be able to tell quickly and easily if you’ve met your
goal. Develop a set of criteria that will be indicative of success or failure in
meeting each of your goals.
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• Achievable – Set goals that are challenging, but not incredibly difficult to
achieve. A challenging goal is motivating, an impossible one is demotivating.
• Results Oriented – Focus on results, avoid falling in the activity trap. Your
goals should focus on the results you want to achieve, not the activities you
will undertake to get there. For example, “improved presentation skills” is a
result; “participating in a presentation skills training program” is an activity. It’s
possible to complete activities and not achieve the desired result.
• Time Specified – Set deadlines for achieving your goals; well-developed goals
come with time limits.
Finally, share your goals with the people to whom you are close; they can help you
achieve them. Goals that you don’t share are merely aspirations. Sharing them with others
makes them more real.
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Headaches
Star performers are healthy. They do things to manage their health. Occasionally, I will
post health-related thoughts on my blog.
This one is on a common performance detractor: headaches . . .
The October edition of TopHealth (Oakstone Publishing, Birmingham, AL, USA), contains
an interesting article:
5 Common Headache Triggers

Headache sufferers spend more than $4 billion a year on over-the-counter pain reliev-
ers. But prevention costs you nothing. Here are five leading headache triggers and advice on
what to do about them.
1. Stress. Frayed nerves are a frequent cause of tension headaches. Stress may
also trigger migraines. What to do: Take 30 minutes a day to relax, daydream
or meditate. Daily exercise also helps ease stress and tension.
2. Eyestrain. Spending too much time looking at your computer screen can
cause a headache. What to do: Take occasional “eye breaks”—for example,
look out a window. Get an eye exam to make sure that your vision is in good
shape. Poor vision can cause headaches.
3. Diet. Certain foods and beverages contain substances that can trigger head-
aches. Caffeine, red wine, processed meats, chocolate, cheese, citrus fruits,
MSG, can all cause headaches. What to do: Identify which food and drink
cause you headaches, and limit their intake. MSG is a big culprit for me—I
always say “no MSG” when I’m at a Chinese restaurant.
4. Sitting too long. Staying seated for long periods, especially if you’re on the
phone or hunched over a computer, tightens muscles and leads to headaches.
What to do: Shift positions; stretch once an hour; stand during phone
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conversations, take a lunch-time walk.

5. Sleep. Too little or too much sleep can bring on headaches. What to do.
Regulate your body’s clock by going to bed and rising at the same time every
day—even on weekends.
Headaches can lead to low productivity. These are common sense ideas for avoiding
headaches. If you follow this common sense advice, you’ll find that you’ll have fewer
headaches—and be more productive.
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Everything Counts
I subscribe to Gary Ryan Blair’s GoalsGuy newsletter. There, he had a post that was
entitled “Taking Care of #1—The Customer.” In this post, Mr. Blair made three crucial
points about taking care of customers:
1. Adopt the “Everything Counts” customer service maxim.
2. Deliver quality and excellence.
3. Focus on the customer experience.
Mr. Blair was addressing his words to entrepreneurs and business owners, but they are
applicable for building a career too.
For example, when discussing his first point about everything counts, Mr. Blair says
“Everything Counts! is a maxim that sends a powerful message. It means that you see every
customer interaction as an opportunity to retain a valued customer, increase your value
proposition, build loyalty or strengthen a brand.”
Here’s how to apply these thoughts to building a great career. See every assignment as
an opportunity to build credibility with your boss and other people higher up in your orga-
nization. Take nothing for granted, do your best work on every job—no matter how small
or insignificant it may seem to you.
In discussing quality and excellence, Mr. Blair says: “Quality and excellence don’t happen
accidentally; they are the result of careful planning and exceptional execution.”
In other words, think before you act and then execute. A few minutes’ planning can
mean the difference between a good piece of work, or an outstanding one that gets you
noticed by people up the ladder in your organization. Don’t jump into tasks without first
giving them some thought. If you follow this advice, you’ll be a winner in the long run.
Finally, even people who don’t have any contact with external customers can focus on
the customer experience. Mr. Blair points out that companies that do a good job focusing on
the customer gather the rewards in the form of loyalty and referrals.
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If you service your main customer (your boss) well, and make him or her look good,
you will get rewarded too. You’ll get praise, recognition, better high-visibility projects and
the financial rewards that come with them.
So, if you want to be an outstanding performer, take the advice of the GoalsGuy, and
take care of your number one customer—your boss. Make him or her look good, and you’ll
end up looking good yourself.
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Outstanding Performance Quote
“The person with a fixed goal, a clear picture of his desire, or an ideal
always before him, causes it, through repetition, to be buried deeply in his
subconscious mind and is thus enabled, thanks to its generative and sus-
taining power, to realize his goal in a minimum of time and with a mini-
mum of physical effort. Just pursue the thought unceasingly. Step by step
you will achieve realization, for all your faculties and powers become
directed to that end.” - Claude M. Bristol

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Meaning, Thought Style, Action Style
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to meet and work with Jerry Porras, co-author
of the business best seller, Built to Last. Jerry was a delight to work with: generous with his
time and his thoughts. He made some very helpful comments when I was in the process of
revising the manuscript to one of my books, Using Values to Turn Vision Into Reality.
I was pleased to see that he—and Stewart Emery and Mark Thompson—has a new
book out: Success Built to Last: Creating a Life That Matters. They interviewed over 200 suc-
cessful people for this book; many like Nelson Mandela, Steve Jobs and Quincy Jones are
well-known.
They found that all of the people they interviewed had three traits in common:
• Meaning. Every one of the successful people interviewed said that what they
do matters deeply to them.
• Thought Style. All of the interviewees have a highly developed sense of
accountability, audacity, passion and optimism.
• Action Style. All of the successful people interviewed find ways to take effective
action.
Let’s take a look at these traits in the context of becoming an outstanding performer.
Meaning. I believe that you must enjoy what you do and care about it. I am passionate
about helping others succeed. I love to watch my coaching and consulting clients accom-
plish great things. I care deeply about helping others. Outstanding performers feel the same
way about their work. One of my friends is an executive with the Boys and Girls Clubs of
America; he is passionate about helping kids build better lives. Another friend loves soccer.
At one time, he was the chief marketing officer for Adidas soccer; now he runs a company
that connects sponsors and people who run soccer events. All of these people take great sat-
isfaction from the work they do. They find personal meaning in it. If you don’t get excited
about going to work every day, you probably are in the wrong job. It takes courage to make
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a switch but, if you’re going to become a star, make the switch and do something where
your passion will show.
Thought Style. Accountability is key here. I tell people that one of the things I enjoy
most about being self-employed is that I can take a few minutes to myself every New Year’s
Eve and say, “Congratulations, you made it through another year without a real job.” I say
that only half-jokingly. I take great satisfaction in knowing that everything I have, I have
earned by my own work. Ask any entrepreneur and he or she will tell you a similar story. You
don’t have to be an entrepreneur to be an accountable person; all it takes is the willingness
to accept responsibility and to hold yourself accountable for doing what you say you’ll do.
Accountability is a mindset.
Action Style. The Nike ads sum it up: “Just do it.” Take action. Enjoy your successes,
and learn from your failures. Don’t get paralyzed into inaction because of what could go
wrong. Do something! Remember the old saying, “It’s usually easier to ask for forgiveness
than for permission.” This approach to life and work has served me well.
In short, Success Built to Last offers some really great common sense advice on becoming
an outstanding performer. Pick up a copy and read it. You’ll love the stories of the people
profiled there; more importantly, you’ll find some great ideas to put into play.
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Sales Tough
Yesterday, I had an email from the folks at JustSell.com announcing a new ebook they
have out, called Sales Tough. Here are the eight principles of becoming sales tough.
1. Let nothing interrupt your money hours—the hours in the day when you can
talk with prospects and customers.
2. Start early and go long.
3. Live a sales day schedule of sales calls first, paperwork last.
4. Excite your prospects with strong opening statements that mean something.
5. Get to know everyone, by networking more.
6. Develop a comfort with closing through solid preparation and front work.
7. Keep your personal problems to yourself during the sales day—especially
when you’re with prospects and/or customers.
8. Pause at the start of each week or month to quickly (and objectively) evaluate
your personal sales value.
While these principles are designed for sales people, they are applicable to anyone
interested in performing at a high level. Think about them this way:
1. Stick to your priorities, don’t let interruptions derail you from achieving your
goals.
2. Put in the time necessary to be successful.
3. Manage your time—do the important things first.
4. Get your boss and colleagues excited about your ideas by making your points
clearly and succinctly.
5. Network, network, network. Get known in your company and in your industry.
6. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Do your homework.
7. Leave your personal problems at home, don’t bring them to work.
8. Periodically evaluate your performance against the goals you’ve set for yourself.
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This is great, common sense advice. But like all common sense, it’s easier said than
done. Put it to use, and you’ll become a great performer.
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Sharpen the Saw
I’d like to reference one of my favorite books here: Steven Covey’s, 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People. If you haven’t read this book, I suggest you get down to your local book-
store, or go to amazon.com and buy a copy. If you have read it, you probably remember
that the seventh habit is “Sharpen the Saw.”
Read on for more information on Sharpening the Saw . . .
“Sharpening the Saw” is Dr. Covey’s way of saying that we all need to take some time
for ourselves. He says, “It’s preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have—you. It’s
renewing the four dimensions of your nature—physical, spiritual, mental and social/emo-
tional.”
Dr. Covey describes the components of each of these four dimensions as follows:
• Physical: exercise, nutrition, stress management
• Spiritual: value clarification and commitment, study and meditation
• Mental: reading, visualizing, planning, writing
• Social/Emotional: service, empathy, synergy, intrinsic security
Here’s how I understand what he’s saying:
• Physical. Keep your body in good shape. Eat well, exercise regularly. When
you’re too stressed, take some time to lower your stress level.
• Spiritual. Clarify your personal values. Conduct yourself in a manner
consistent with your values. Absent yourself from situations that cause value
conflicts for you.
• Mental. Keep learning and growing. Develop new skills that will help you
perform better in your current job and to prepare for future increased
responsibility. Keep abreast of current events—in the world, your company and
your industry. Read newspapers, watch the news and/or follow the news on-line.
Think about what you read and see. Reflect on it, possibly by writing a journal.
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• Social/Emotional. Try to understand other people and their perspective on

things. Look for places where you agree with others; build on that agreement
to resolve conflict. Be willing to help others.
At the end of the chapter on sharpening the saw, Dr. Covey offers four common sense
application suggestions:
1. Make a list of activities that would help you keep in good physical shape, that
would fit your life style and that you can enjoy over time.
2. Select one of the activities and list it as a goal for the coming week. At the end
of the week evaluate your performance. If you didn’t make your goal, was it
because you subordinated it to a genuinely higher value? Or did you fail to act
in accordance with your values?
3. Make a similar list of renewing activities in your spiritual and mental
dimensions. In your social/emotional area, list relationships you would like to
improve. Select one item in each area as a goal for the week. Implement and
evaluate.
4. Commit to setting “sharpening the saw” activities in all four dimensions every
week. Do them. Evaluate your performance and results.
These four application suggestions are great common sense ideas. However, like most
common sense ideas, they are easier said than done. They take commitment and tenacity.
But if you implement these ideas, you’ll improve your performance—and outstanding per-
formance is one of the hallmarks of career stars.
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Time Management
Effective time management is one key to becoming an outstanding performer. A recent
issue of Entrepreneur magazine reports the results on an employee survey conducted by
Swingline. The survey asked people to report their top time wasters.
Read on for the results…
Top 10 Workplace Time Wasters

1. Shifting priorities
2. Telephone interruptions
3. Lack of direction and/or objectives
4. Attempting to do too much
5. Drop-in visitors
6. Ineffective delegation
7. Cluttered desk/losing things
8. Procrastination and lack of self-discipline
9. Inability to say “no”
10. Meetings
Number 8—Procrastination—is my biggest time waster. This is especially true for big
projects.
I’ve learned a trick to help me deal with procrastination on starting large projects. I
begin a large project at the end of the day. I may get only a little bit done but, when I begin
work the next morning, I feel as if I have some momentum. This momentum makes it easier
for me to pick up where I left off and get the project finished.
Time is a scarce and non-renewable resource; once a moment has passed, it’s gone. You
can’t get it back. All outstanding performers know this and manage their time well.
What’s your biggest time waster? How do you deal with it? I’d appreciate it if you
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would post your thoughts on these questions in the comments section on my blog. Your
ideas can be helpful to other readers.
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More on Time Management
Outstanding performers are good at managing time. One of the best ways I know to
manage your time is a To Do list. Read on for some of my ideas regarding To Do lists . . .
Using a To Do List for Better Time Management

Use your time wisely. Adopt the Pareto Principle: focus on the critical few, not the trivial
many. Set and stick to priorities; don’t get distracted. Know where you’re going and what it
takes to get there, and do it!
Realize when you’ve gotten distracted. Distractions do happen; when they do, get your-
self back on track quickly.
A To Do list is one of the best ways to help you focus on the important, critical few
items that can make or break you as a star performer. Create one every day. I like to create
the next day’s list prior to finishing my work for the day. In that way, I have momentum
when I sit down to work in the morning.
Review your list periodically to make sure that you are focused on important—not
urgent—tasks. If your To Do list is dominated by urgent, but not important, activities, create
a new list focused on important tasks. You can get overwhelmed by things that urgently
need to be done. However, the most urgent tasks are not always the most important; urgency
can cause distortion. Make sure you stay focused on your priorities. Don’t get trapped by
the tyranny of the urgent.
Keep the tasks on your To Do list small and achievable. Most should take less than two
hours to complete. In this way, you’ll feel as if you’ve accomplished something every day.
You’ll be able to keep up the momentum you need to complete large projects.
Schedule and plan your day in a manner that will let you achieve your goals. A good
schedule helps you accomplish several things:
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• You’ll have a better understanding of what you can realistically achieve with
the time available.
• You’ll be better able to plan your day to make the best use of your time.
• You’ll ensure that you have enough time for the things you absolutely must do.
Don’t forget to budget contingency time to allow you to handle the unexpected things
that are bound to come up in any workday. Finally, minimize your stress by avoiding over-
committing yourself.
If you follow these simple tips, you’ll do a better job of managing your time, and will
be more likely to become a star performer.
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Learning and Performance
I subscribe to Kevin Eikenberry’s Powerquotes Plus newsletter. I like what Kevin does
with his quotes. He provides an interesting and motivating quote five days a week. Then he
goes one step further. He asks readers to reflect on some questions related to the quote and
to take a few action steps to actually use the wisdom in the quote.
Powerquote
“When I am through learning, I am through.” - John Wooden, retired UCLA

basketball coach
Questions to Ponder
• What did I learn yesterday?
• What will I learn today?
Action Steps
• Make a conscious choice to learn something today.
• Read something.
• Listen to someone.
• Reflect on your day’s events.
• Learn.
Here’s how I used this Powerquote

Recently, I learned (or relearned) not to take things for granted. I thought I had a bulk
order for my booklet, 101 Common Sense Tips for Building a Great Career. I thought this was
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the case, as my potential customer sent me some art work to customize the cover of the
booklet. It turned out that he wanted to see the mock-up with his custom artwork prior to
committing to a bulk order.
That’s OK. I’m confident that I’ll still get the order. However, as a result of yesterday’s
exchange of emails, I relearned the importance of really listening to people, and focusing on
understanding and meeting their needs. I relearned that I (like a lot of people) often see
things the way I want them to be—not the way they are.
I’m not sure what I’ll learn today. But I know that if I keep my eyes and ears open, and
reflect on what happens to me, I’ll be sure to learn something.
In one way or another, I put all of the action steps Kevin has suggested into play every-
day. For me, the action step that helps the most is reflecting daily on what happens, and
seeing what I can learn from it.
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Outstanding Performance Quote
“The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you
can get there if you’re willing to work.” - Oprah Winfrey

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Fortune Magazine on Excellence
I recently picked up a copy of Fortune: The Excellence Issue. If you’re interested in
becoming a high performer, it’s worth getting and reading a copy. The cover story was, What
It Takes to be Great.
The article began with this point:
• Research now shows that the lack of natural talent is irrelevant to great success.
The secret? Painful and demanding practice and hard work.
Bad news for the get-rich-quick crowd.
The article debunks the myth that some people have an innate talent that makes them
great. It ends on an interesting good news/bad news note:
• The critical reality is that we are not hostage to some naturally gifted level of
talent. We can make ourselves what we will. Strangely, this idea is not popular.
People hate abandoning the notion that they would coast to fame and riches if
they found their talent. But that view is tragically constraining, because when
they hit life’s inevitable bumps in the road, they conclude they just aren’t gifted
and give up. Maybe we can’t expect most people to achieve greatness. It’s just
too demanding. But the striking, liberating news is that greatness isn’t reserved
for a preordained few. It is available to you and to everyone.
As I read the conclusion of the article, I was struck by something I wrote in a blog post.
I was quoting the Dalai Lama, who said:
One can be deceived by three types of laziness:

the laziness of indolence, which is the wish to procrastinate;
the laziness of inferiority, which is doubting your capabilities;
and the laziness that is attached to negative actions, or putting great effort
into non-virtue.
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I find it fascinating that Fortune Magazine and the Dalai Lama both agree that blaming
your lack of talent—rather than your lack of hard work—for your failings is futile. Again,
the good news: we can all become successful. The bad news: we have to work hard in order
to succeed.
The Fortune article had a side bar that listed five things to practice if you want to be a
high performer:
1. Approach each critical task with an explicit goal of getting much better at it.
2. As you do the task, focus on what’s happening and why you’re doing it the way
you are.
3. After the task, get feedback on your performance from multiple sources. Make
changes in your behavior as necessary.
4. Continually build mental models of your situation—your industry, your
company, your career. Enlarge the models to encompass more factors.
5. Do these steps regularly, not sporadically. Occasional practice does not work.
These are simple, straightforward, common sense steps. But, like most common sense,
they take real commitment to follow—see step five. However, if you do commit to following
these steps, you’ll become an outstanding performer—and outstanding performance is one
important point on the career star model.
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Circadian Type
I read an interesting piece in Psychology Today on circadian type—your body clock—in
plain English. “The part of the brain that regulates your ability to think clearly and solve
problems is heavily influenced by the body clock,” says David Dinges, of the University of
Pennsylvania.
The article concluded with some common sense advice: “The best way to make your
inner clock work for you? Don’t fight it.”
I agree. I learned a long time ago that I have two times of peak energy: the early morning
and late afternoon. These are my productive times. I have the most energy and am the most
creative and productive from about 6:30 in the morning till 11:30 am. I have a little lull
until about 3:00 pm. Then my energy kicks in again and I am very productive until about
7:00 pm.
There is great value in knowing this. When I am in my office, and not on the road
working with clients, I schedule creative tasks, like writing my blogs, during these times. I
use that time to write proposals, copy for my web sites, sales letters—anything where I need
to be clear, crisp and concise. Also, I schedule coaching phone calls for this time of the day.
I use the midday hours to do routine things: sending invoices, opening and reading
mail, reading the papers, making travel arrangements, returning phone calls to schedule
meetings, etc. I run errands in this time period. I might make a quick stop at my ear doctor
to pick up hearing aids (yes, sadly I’m getting old), get the car washed and pick up some
birthday cards for clients and friends.
I usually have at least one book project going. I work on my books in the late afternoon
and early evening.
The point of all this? I know when I have a lot of creativity and energy (early and late
in the day). And I know that midday is a time when my energy is low and my creativity
nearly non-existent. So I do creative things early and late, and routine things in the middle
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of the day. In this way, I am productive. High productivity is the hallmark of high performers.
When are your peak times? Are you scheduling your day to take advantage of your
peak times?
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Do a Good Job
Here’s some common sense advice that escapes many people: do a good job in your
current job and the promotions will come.
Over the years, I’ve encountered a lot of political animals; people who are always plotting
and scheming on how to get the next promotion. In the short run, these people sometimes
do win out over more deserving folks. In the long run, however, my experience is that even-
tually they get passed by the people who consistently do a good job in the job that they are
supposed to do.
I remember taking a job in the corporate Management and Organization Development
department of a very large corporation in the early 1980’s. My colleagues and I were respon-
sible for both training and organization development work. One of my first assignments was
to do a Presentation Skills workshop for sales managers in a small division of the company.
I threw myself into designing and conducting this workshop. As it turns out, the VP of
Sales and Marketing for the division decided to attend. This was a bonus, because it gave
me exposure to a senior leader in the company.
The workshop was a big success. After it was over, the VP asked me how I knew he
would be in attendance. I told him I didn’t, and why was he asking? He told me that the
workshop was so well planned and executed, that he assumed I knew he would be there. I
told him that I plan and conduct workshops to the best of my ability, no matter what the
audience.
This seemed a simple thing to me. It impressed him. He became one of my biggest clients.
When he requested a service from the M&OD department, he always asked that I be the trainer
or consultant assigned to the project. Several years later, he was the President of the division.
As it so happens, his division was spun off. By then, I was on my own, running this
consulting, coaching and speaking business. He called me, and offered me the job of VP HR
for the company.
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I chose to not join him, as I was living my dream as an independent consultant.

However, the lesson I learned from the Presentation Skills workshop has remained with me
today.
Do the best job you can in everything you do and the rewards will come.
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Be Better Than Yourself
I came across a great quote on performance by William Faulkner the other day: “Always
dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than
your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.”
I like what Mr. Faulkner has to say here for two reasons. The first part of the quote says
“always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.” In other words, set high goals.
Even if you don’t achieve them, you will probably surpass what you thought you could do.
This is great advice; high goals result in high results.
In their best selling book, Built to Last, Jim Collins and Jerry Porras urge businesses to
choose a BHAG: a big, hairy, audacious goal. In an interview in Industry Week in 1992, Mr.
Collins said, “. . .like our national goal in the ‘60s to go to the moon by the end of the
decade. If a company says ‘Our BHAG is to revolutionize telecommunications technology on
the earth,’ then that company has some way to determine up and down the line whether
people are doing things consistent with that vision and goal. Is everyone aligning with it by
setting their goals in accord with the BHAG? Are they committing their resources to it? Are
they putting most of their efforts in that direction?”
The same is true in your career. Choose a BHAG, set smaller goals that support it, commit
your resources and efforts into achieving it.
Mr. Faulkner’s quote ends with these words: “Try to be better than yourself.” That’s a
tall order; it means continuous improvement. Once you have achieved your goal of being
“better than yourself,” you can always get better still. It’s kind of like Abraham Maslow’s
concept of self actualization: being all that you can be.
In other words, compete with yourself; every time you do something, do it better than
you did the time before. Measure yourself and your performance against yourself, not others.
In this way, you are sure to keep learning and growing—and improving your performance.
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A Notebook Can Keep You Organized
Outstanding performers make good use of their time and they are well organized.
Here’s an organizing tip that I’ve been using for about a year. I have become much more
organized and productive as a result.
Ready? Drum roll please . . . Use a notebook to keep a record of your daily activities in
one place.
Too simple, you say. Not really. I used to carry around a couple yellow pads with me
and use them to take notes in all of my meetings. Sometimes I put these notes in a folder
pertaining to the meeting, sometimes I didn’t. I usually make a To Do list at the end of every
day and review it at the beginning of the next. The trouble was that these To Do lists ended
up in my briefcase, and I often didn’t refer to them during the day. I was also a great one for
writing short notes to myself to remind me of things I didn’t want to forget. By the end of a
typical day, my shirt pocket might have five or six of these notes in it. Often, I acted on
these reminders; just as often, I lost or misplaced them. Six months later, I would find notes
I had made to myself. By then, the time for the idea had come and gone, and these misplaced
notes were of little value to me.
So I bought my first marble-covered notebook since I was in grade school. Everyday, I
enter my To Do list. I also use it to take notes at meetings. When I complete something, I
put a big X through it. Since I’ve been using this notebook, I have not lost one piece of
information. The notebook is a running log of my business life. It’s something I’ve seen others
do for years, but never tried myself.
Now that I’ve adopted this notebook system for managing my time and life, I’ll never
go back to scraps of paper in my shirt pocket. Try it; I’m confident that it will help you
become more organized. And being organized is a great starting point for becoming an out-
standing performer.
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The Question Behind the Question
John Miller is a friend of mine; he is a fellow speaker who lives here in Denver. John
has written a couple of books. I often give one of them, QBQ! The Question Behind the
Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Business and in Life, as a gift to people.
I like this book. It is simple, anecdotal and interesting to read. I also like its message. A
red bar running across the top of the cover says, “Eliminate blame, complaining and pro-
crastination.” Eliminating blame, complaining and procrastination is a great way to become
a top performer.
Chapter 24 of QBQ! is entitled, “A Great List of Lousy Questions.” I love this chapter
because John uses it to illustrate the kinds of blaming questions a lot of us ask ourselves a
lot of the time—and then he provides some examples of the kinds of questions we should
be asking ourselves if we are going to eliminate blame, complaining and procrastination.
Here are a few examples:

Lousy Customer Service Questions:
• When will shipping start getting orders out on time?
• Why do our customers expect so much?
• Why don’t customers follow the instruction?
Better Customer Service Question:
• How can I serve our customers better?
Lousy Sales Questions:

• Why are our prices so high?
• Why won’t customers return my calls?
• When will marketing give us better brochures?
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Better Sales Questions:

• What can I do today to be a more effective salesperson?
• How can I add value for my customers?
Lousy Marketing Questions:

• When will the sales people actually deliver our programs?
• Why won’t field sales people learn more about our new products?
Better Marketing Questions:
• What can I do to better understand sales reps’ issues and concerns?
• How can I learn more about what our customers need and want?
Lousy Management Questions:

• When am I going to find good people?
• Why aren’t people motivated?
• Who made that mistake?
Better Management Questions:
• How can I be a more effective coach?
• What can I do to better understand each person on my team?
• How can I be a better leader?
• How can I communicate better?
If you’re like me, you’ve probably asked yourself one or more of these lousy questions
on a few occasions. The trick is to catch yourself asking these lousy questions and turn
them into better questions. If you notice, all of the better questions have the word “I” in
them. Keep asking yourself these “I” questions, and pretty soon you’ll find that you’re add-
ing value—because you have eliminated blame, complaining and procrastination.
Try it—it works!
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Today, Not Tomorrow
Outstanding performers manage their time well. Overcoming procrastination is key to
managing your time. Recently, I came across an article by Denis Waitley that outlined seven
techniques for overcoming procrastination.
1. Take five minutes to identify what you are putting off. On a blank sheet of
paper, note several important activities that you realize you are delaying or
have put on hold.
2. Look at this list of tasks, and do one of them right now. Put the energy you’ve
been directing toward excuses into the activity you’ve been avoiding. You’ll no
doubt discover that action eliminates anxiety. Enjoy the satisfaction of a job
completed, a chore done, a discussion held, a decision reached, a letter written,
a project started.
3. If getting started is the hard part for you, set a designated time in the day to
work on the list. For example, you may choose to mark your calendar for
Tuesday at noon. Set aside 30 minutes of your lunch hour for work specifically
on that one job, project, or personal goal (such as a physical workout) that
you’ve been avoiding or find difficult to start. You’ll be surprised at how much
you can accomplish in one focused half-hour period each week.
4. Don’t worry about perfection. What counts is quality of effort, not perfect
results. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with a preoccupation with
perfectionism. Recognize that nothing in life is ever going to be perfect and
that your concern for perfection may significantly slow you down in reaching
goals you have set for yourself. Get started, and decide to manage changes in
direction as the need for them may arise along the way.
5. If what you are putting off involves other people, consult with them. Your
reasons for delaying action may be imaginary. Lack of communication often
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turns molehills into mountains, making procrastination seem more justified

and starting a project more of a chore than it really is.
6. If you fear the consequences associated with the action you’ve been avoiding,
ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I did this today?”
The worst case scenario most likely would be a minor inconvenience or a
temporary setback, not a collapse of an entire relationship, project or career.
7. Vividly picture how you’ll feel once the task is done. You’ll have a sense of
relief. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from nagging pressures. Freedom from
self-doubt. Accomplishing put-off tasks usually gives a person confidence and
energy. Use that energy to pursue yet another chore or decision about which
you have been procrastinating.
Mr. Waitley finishes with this advice:
“Ground breaking requires TNT. It means blasting your way out of failure
or apathy. It means overcoming procrastination and breaking ground neces-
sary for you to move. My definition of TNT is this: Today Not Tomorrow.”
This is some great, common sense advice on beating procrastination from Denis Waitley.
Use it, and your performance will improve. And outstanding performance is key to becoming
a career and life star.
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How Stressed Are You?
Outstanding performers know how to manage stress. Stress can have a negative effect
on high performance. That’s why it’s important to understand the causes of stress and to
learn how to manage it well.
Rose Hospital in Denver is where my wife, Cathy, and I go for our health care needs.
Recently, I came across a brief questionnaire published by Rose that is designed to help you
get a handle on the level of stress in your life.
How Stressed Are You? by Amy Scholten, MPH

The statements below are arranged in groups of three. Select one answer which best
reflects your situation, and circle the corresponding point value. When you finish, take a
look at your score interpretation at the bottom of the page. Please keep in mind that this is
a general assessment of your stress levels. Further and more in-depth assessment may be
obtained from your health care or mental health care provider.
1. I handle changes with ease.
• Most of the time - 1
• Some of the time - 5
• Rarely - 10
2. I take time for myself.
• Rarely - 10
3. I have stress-related symptoms (i.e. - headache, racing heart, cold hands or feet,
inability to concentrate).
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• Rarely - 1
4. My family is very supportive.
• Rarely - 10
5. My work is satisfying.
• Rarely - 10
6. I have trouble sleeping.
• Rarely - 1
7. I feel good about myself.
• Rarely - 10
8. I'm a perfectionist.
• Rarely - 1
9. I tend to look on the bright side of life.
• Rarely - 10
10. I'm able to talk about my feelings.
• Rarely - 10
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11. I get impatient and irritable with other drivers.

• Rarely - 1
12. I limit my intake of fat, cholesterol and junk food.
• Rarely - 10
13. I smoke.
• Yes - 10
• No - 1
14. I engage in 30 minute (or longer) sessions of moderate or rigorous exercise.
• At least four times per week - 1
• Three times per week - 5
• Less than three times per week - 10
15. I have conflicts with others.
• Rarely - 1
16. I get sick, especially with colds.
• More than three times per year -10
• Between two and three times per year - 5
• Less than twice a year - 1
17. I'm happy with my social life.
• Rarely - 10
18. I'm happy with where I live.
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• Rarely - 10
19. I'm happy with my partner (or with the fact that I don't have a partner).
• Rarely - 10
20. I'm a forgiving person.
• Rarely - 10
21. I drink caffeinated coffee and/or tea.
• Several times a day - 10
• Once a day - 5
• Rarely or never - 1
22. I have a drink of alcohol (one drink equals 1.5 oz. of spirits; 5 oz. of wine, or
12 oz. of beer)
• Five or more times per day - 10
• Three to four times per day - 5
• Two times per day or less, rarely, or never - 1
23. I feel overwhelmed by all that I have to do.
• Rarely - 1
24. I feel calm and relaxed.
• Rarely - 10
25. I have several good friends I can count on.
• Rarely - 10
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Total points ____
Personal Stress Level

25 – 50
You are doing an excellent job managing stress. Most likely, you are relaxed, happy and
satisfied with your life. Keep up the great work.
51 – 85
You are doing a very good job of managing stress. Most likely, you are positive about
your life. There are a few areas where you can improve.
86 – 100
You are doing a good job of managing your stress. You may have a few stress symptoms
and some areas of frustration in your life. You could benefit from some stress reduction
activities.
101 – 150
You are probably experiencing some stress symptoms that may become a threat to your
health, relationships and work. You need to make some changes to reduce the amount
of stress in your life.
151 – 200
You are experiencing a high level of stress—most likely chronic stress. A score in this
range indicates dissatisfaction with key areas of your life which could put you at a high
risk for developing a stress-related illness. You need to take immediate action to reduce
the level of stress in your life.
201 – 250
You are burning out. A score in this range indicates that you are experiencing excessive
and unhealthy levels of stress. Seek immediate help.
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High levels of stress are a major impediment to outstanding performance. In this chapter,
I have provided you with a quick way to determine the levels of stress in your life. Later, I
will provide you with some ideas on how to deal with the stress in your life.
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Managing Stress
Outstanding performers know how to manage stress. Stress can have a negative effect
on high performance. That’s why it’s important to understand the causes of stress and to
learn how to manage it well. Earlier in this book, you’ll find a questionnaire to assist you in
identifying the level of stress in your life. Here, I’d like to offer some ideas for managing stress.
• Be aware of your stressors. Notice when you are feeling stressed. See if there is
a pattern to the things and events that heighten your stress.
• Change what you can. If possible, avoid or eliminate situations that will cause
you to be stressed. Do what you can to shorten your exposure to stressful situations.
• Manage your reactions to stress. Take a mental break. I find that a walk always
helps lower my stress. If you can’t absent yourself from a stressful situation,
take several deep breaths. Keep your work space and living space organized.
It’s easier to deal with stress when you can find what you need and want.
• Surround yourself with supportive people. Friends and loved ones can help
you manage stress just by being there for you to talk to them. Meet new
people. Widen your circle of support.
• Take care of yourself physically. Eat right, jog or walk. Get regular check-ups.
Get enough sleep. Avoid caffeine and smoking.
• Build your emotional reserves. Make sure that your goals are realistic and
personally meaningful. Realize that frustrations, failures and sorrows are a
normal part of life. Be kind to yourself.
These are just a few ideas for managing the day-to-day stress that will pop up in your
life. If you can put these common sense ideas into play, you will be able to perform better.
And outstanding performance is a key to career and life success.
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There Is No Small Stuff
I was in Dulles Airport in Washington DC, waiting to board a flight to Houston. As
usual, I was flying Continental, my favorite airline. In the boarding area, I saw a Continental
ad. It said, “We sweat the big stuff, because there is no small stuff.” I thought this was an
interesting play on words, and chuckled to myself. However, as I thought about it, I realized
that it makes a lot of sense when thinking about outstanding performance.
Most jobs have only a few critical components. Outstanding performers excel in how
they accomplish the tasks associated with each component of their job. This is what I
always refer to as, “the genius of the and.”
The “genius of the and” is a simple concept. Let’s take salespeople as an example. Outstanding
salespeople do several things: they close sales and they meet or exceed quota. They make the
required number of calls they are supposed to make and they complete their paperwork
completely and on time. And they stay abreast of the competition. And they manage their time
well. And they are experts in their industry. And they assist in the training of new salespeople.
Some salespeople think that closing sales and meeting quota is the “big stuff,” and all
the other things mentioned above are the “small stuff.” Outstanding salespeople know that
“there is no small stuff,” so they put just as much attention into managing their time, com-
pleting their paperwork and keeping up with the competition as they do in closing sales
and meeting quota.
The common sense point here: outstanding performers identify the critical components
of their jobs. They realize that each of these components is a key indicator of their overall
performance, and they put in the time and energy necessary to ensure that they perform
well on all of them.
What are the critical components of your job? Are you performing in an outstanding
manner in each of them? If no, what are you going to do to change this and become a truly
outstanding performer?
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The Secret — Plus
The Secret was the fastest selling book ever; it sold more than two million copies in
three months. During that same time period, the video for sale online was downloaded more
than 1.5 million times. Oprah did two shows about it. Newsweek devoted six pages to it.
In case you don’t know, The Secret is based on the law of attraction. Briefly, the law of
attraction holds that you create your own reality through your thoughts. Rhonda Byrne, an
Australian TV producer, wrote the book and produced the video. The Secret is based on a
book written by Wallace Wattles in 1910 called, The Science of Getting Rich, that tells the
reader how to let his or her thoughts and feelings get them what they want. According to
Ms. Byrne, the secret is simple: Ask, Believe, Receive.
To me, the idea behind The Secret is very similar to the idea behind positive affirmations.
I am a big believer in positive affirmations—thoughts we can repeat to ourselves daily or
several times a day to help us get what we want. I urge my coaching clients to develop
positive affirmations for the things they want in life.
Recently, Dan Robey did a great post on affirmation in his power of positive habits
newsletter. According to Mr. Robey, good affirmations have three things in common.
1. Good affirmations are stated in the present tense.
2. Good affirmations express a positive statement.
3. Good affirmations are short and specific.
When I first started my consulting business in 1988, I used to repeat the affirmation “I
am a successful consultant,” several times everyday. I had it written out by a calligrapher
and hung it in my office, right above my desk. As you can see, it met all three of Dan
Robey’s criteria for a good affirmation. And, it worked. I created my own reality: a successful
consulting practice. Rhonda Byrne would say that the law of attraction worked for me; Dan
Robey would say that I experienced the power of affirmations. And I did.
However—not to diss the law of attraction or the power of affirmations—it took a lot
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of work and effort. I believe that the affirmation helped. The positive vibes I sent out into
the universe helped. The law of attraction helped. But more importantly, it was my willingness
to develop a plan and work it that led to my success.
In my current office I have hung a framed quote from Paul Meyer, founder of Success
Motivation International, right by the door. I see it every time I enter and leave my office:
“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe and enthu-
siastically act on…must inevitably come to pass.”
The first three parts of Mr. Meyers’ quote, “vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely
believe,” are right in tune with Ms. Byrne’s take on the law of attraction. However, I believe
that Mr. Meyer has the missing ingredient to The Secret. And that ingredient is the words,
“and enthusiastically act on.” “Enthusiastically acting” means setting goals, tracking progress
towards them and meeting them. It means setting new goals once you’ve reached the old
ones. It means doing the work necessary to make your affirmations come true. To use Mr.
Meyer’s words, “Develop a dogged determination to follow through on your plan, regardless
of obstacles, criticism, circumstances or what other people say, think, or do.”
There are several common sense points here. The law of attraction is powerful and
helpful. Affirmations are powerful and helpful. However, it is the willingness to do the work
that will make you an outstanding performer and help you become a success in your life
and career.
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Erin Gruwell and Performance
The movie Freedom Writers is the true story of a remarkable teacher, Erin Gruwell, and
teacher, assigned to teach a class of at-risk kids. The racial tension in the LA area was appar-
ent among the Black, Latino and Asian kids and one lonely and fearful white kid in her
classroom.
taught.
Most of the students in Erin Gruwell’s class were not expected to graduate from high
school. Most of their parents, aunts, uncles and friends had never graduated from high
school. College was out of the question.
Erin Gruwell set what seemed to be a modest goal: for all of her students to graduate
from high school—and they did. However, it took Herculean effort to accomplish this goal.
Ms. Gruwell wanted to distribute copies of The Diary of Anne Frank to her class; the
school had several copies sitting in the storage room. She was forbidden to do so by the
head of the English Department. This woman had a lot of excuses: “they won’t read it any-
way;” “they write in the books and ruin them;” “the book is too advanced, they won’t
understand it.”
Erin Gruwell was stymied by her school, but she wasn’t ready to admit defeat. She took
another tack. She got a second job in a lingerie store. She used the money she made at this
job to buy a copy of the book for each of her students. Later on, when she needed even
more money for supplies, she took a third job as a weekend concierge at a local Marriott
hotel.
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I think this is sad: that a teacher, in order to supply her students with the books and
materials they need to learn, must take a second and third job. Unfortunately, people famil-
iar with public education in the U.S. tell me that it is very common for teachers to pay for
learning materials out of their own pockets. But that’s a story for another day.
In this case, Erin Gruwell found a way to get around roadblocks to achieving her goal.
She had to take drastic measures—like getting two part-time jobs—to do so, but she did it.
Think of her, and her desire, persistence and determination, the next time your boss doesn’t
approve one of your suggestions, or you encounter a roadblock.
Ms. Gruwell’s success can be traced to her goal and her determination to do what it
took to make that goal a reality. Goals are the single biggest determinant of success when it
comes to performance. Set yours, and then do what it takes to achieve them.
You’ll have to see the movie to see more examples of how Erin Gruwell did whatever it
took to become an outstanding performer. By the way, if you think I want you to see this
movie, you’re right!
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on outstanding performance...
“We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.”
- Calvin Coolidge
“I realized early on that success was tied to not giving up. Most people in
this business gave up and went on to other things. If you simply don’t give
up, you would outlast the people who came on the bus with you.”
- Harrison Ford
“Much effort, much prosperity.” - Euripedes
“No one ever drowned in sweat.” - Lou Holtz
“Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual
from the successful one is a lot of hard work.” - Stephen King
“Big jobs usually go to the men who prove their ability to outgrow the small
ones.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Do not worry about holding your high position; worry rather about playing
your proper role.” - Confucius
“Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability.”

- Roy L. Smith
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“People may forget how fast you did a job, but they will remember how
well you did it.” - Anonymous
“The secret of joy in work is contained in one word—excellence. To know

how to do something well is to enjoy it.” - Pearl Buck
Here is my take on the logical progression of these quotes.

Calvin Coolidge makes an excellent point: do something. Small actions move you one
step closer to your goal. A lot of small actions, done thoughtfully, will get you to your goal.
Harrison Ford reminds us that persistence is a great thing. Keep working, and you are
likely to succeed.
Euripedes, an ancient Greek philosopher; Lou Holtz, a 20th-century American College
Football coach; and Stephen King, a well known author, all offer the same advice: work hard.
Ralph Waldo Emerson and Confucius make a point that I believe gets lost all too often
as people strive for promotions. The best way to get a promotion is to do a good job in your
present job.
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Roy Smith’s focus on self discipline goes for both working hard, and for doing a great
job in your current job.
The anonymous quote tells us that quality work is one of the best ways to become an
outstanding performer.
Finally, Pearl Buck sums it up very well. Enjoy your work. One of the best ways to
enjoy your work is to become really good at doing it.
• Be a person of action. Don’t get trapped into inaction by the enormity of some jobs.
• Be persistent. Keep working and you’ll be very likely to succeed.
• Work hard. I know this sounds like some overly simple advice, but it’s not.
The harder you work, the more likely you are to become a high performer.
• Do your current job well. You’ll find more joy in it, and the promotions will come.
• All of this takes self-discipline.
If you apply these common sense points, you’ll become an outstanding performer.
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Final Thoughts on
Outstanding performance is the third point in the career star model. No matter how
self-confident you are, and how much people gravitate towards you, you still have to deliver
the goods. You do this by performing. Outstanding performance is the best way to get
noticed—especially if personal impact isn’t your strong suit. When I was teaching at
Northeastern University, I was always pleasantly surprised by one or two students every
quarter. These were the quiet ones, who didn’t have much to say in class, but when I read
their exams and papers, I thought “Wow! Here’s somebody who really gets it.” These students
succeeded in my classes on the sheer power of their performance.
Here are my thoughts on how you can become an outstanding performer, and become
the career and life success and star you are meant to be.
1. Work hard. This may sound a little bit simple—but then most common sense
is. Put in the time and effort it takes to become an outstanding performer.
Master the basic and advanced skills that you’ll need to do a great job.
2. Keep learning. I know that when a lot of people get out of college or business
school, they breathe a sigh of relief and say to themselves, “I’m glad that’s over.”
Unfortunately, the shelf life of knowledge is getting shorter and shorter these
days. If you want to stay current, you’ll need to read, participate in professional
societies and trade organizations and even take the occasional course or seminar.
3. Be inquisitive. Learn all you can about your company, your industry and your
competitors. Become known as someone who has the answers. Ask questions
when you don’t understand something. In that way, you’ll not only learn, you’ll
become known as an inquisitive person who wants to learn, grow and succeed.
4. Study and use the S.M.A.R.T. method of goal setting. I’ve discussed it in detail
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in one of the snippets in this book. In short, set and achieve S.M.A.R.T. goals
and you’ll be on your way to becoming an outstanding performer.
5. Be willing to take on the tough jobs. Volunteer for things that others don’t
want to do. In this way, you’ll become seen as a person who is a risk taker.
You’ll also become known as someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to
help the company grow and prosper. People who are willing to do the tough
jobs often are the ones at the top of the “promotable” list.
6. Manage your time wisely. Be on time—or a few minutes early for appointments.
Learn how to prioritize. Multi-task when appropriate, but never let your
attention stray in meetings and in conversations.
7. Organize yourself. Keep a To Do list and update it every day. Use a tickler file to
remind you of important events and deadlines. Use whatever organizing tool
(paper and pencil, or electronic) that works the best for you.
8. Deliver on what you say you’ll do. Become a person whose word is good as
gold. Become known as someone who can be counted on to do the job; right
the first time, on time and below budget.
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Chapter 6
Communications Skills
Successful people are good communicators. This helps them get noticed by the right people.
Good communicators get noticed because of their ability to get across their ideas in a clear,
creative manner; whether it is in one-to-one conversations, in writing or when presenting
to a group. The performance of good communicators gets noticed because of their ability to
present their ideas and accomplishments in a clear, understandable manner. Don’t kid your-
self. People do notice your writing and verbal skills. The better they are, the more likely you
are to succeed.
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Communication Skills Snippet 1:

Controlling Your Nerves
During a Presentation
I’d like to discuss presentation anxiety: what some people call stage fright. We all get
nervous before a talk. I make speeches for a living and I get nervous. In fact, if I’m not a lit-
tle nervous, I start to worry that I will be flat and deliver an unenthusiastic talk.
Over the years, I’ve developed a few tricks that I use to calm my nerves before a big
presentation. I’d like to share them with you here.
1. Practice your talk out loud. This will help you get comfortable with your
material and your delivery.
2. Get there early. In this way, you’ll be able to set up your computer and run
through your slides one last time.
3. Greet people as they arrive; exchange a few words with them. This will help
you make a good first impression with members of the audience. It will also
help you get over your nerves, because you’ll feel more comfortable speaking
to a group of people you know rather than a group of strangers.
4. When you begin your presentation, move around. Use body movement to help
release some of your nervous energy.
5. Think of your presentation as a conversation. There might be 10, 15 or 25
people in your audience. But in terms of real communication, there are only
two people in the room: you and a single listener.
6. Ask questions during your talk. This will help you build a dialogue and a
participatory feeling. I try to make at least one quarter, and as much as one
half of my talks a discussion with the audience. In this way, it’s less of a speech
and more of an expanded conversation with every person in the room.
These are my tips for calming my nerves and getting me into the right frame of mind
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before I do a presentation. They work for me, and they’ll work for you. Good luck in your
next talk.
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Small Talk
The Fine Art of Small Talk is one of the most read books in my library. Debra Fine, the
author, presents some great ideas on how to become a great conversationalist. Conversation
skills are an important communication skill that all stars have mastered.
Here is a sampling of the common sense advice Ms. Fine dispenses in the book.
Building Conversation Skills

• Join and participate in professional organizations, service organizations, clubs
and other group activities in order to develop new business friendships and
meet new people.
• Make it a point to meet at least three new people at every meeting, party or
other event you attend.
• Initiate conversation with people you don’t know. Be friendly first. People will
respond to you.
• At social events, find an approachable person. Make eye contact. Smile. Offer
your name. Use their name.
• Ask a person’s name if you’ve forgotten it.
• Reintroduce yourself to someone who is likely to have forgotten your name.
• Look for common goals, interests and experiences with people you meet.
• Take turns in conversations so you can learn about others and help them get to
know you.
• Be enthusiastic—about the conversation, and life in general.
• When someone asks “what’s new?” Talk about something that is exciting in
your life—don’t say “nothing much.”
• Use open-ended questions to keep a conversation going. Tell me about…?
How did you…? What was that like for you…? What brought you to…? Why?
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• Show the other person you’re interested in what he or she has to say. Lean
forward. Maintain eye contact. Open your arms, relax your body. Nod and
smile.
• Gracefully change the topic of conversation when one topic has run its course.
• Include everyone in a group conversation.
• When you tell a story, make the main point first, then add the details.
• Things to avoid: bragging about yourself; one-upsmanship; monopolizing the
conversation; interrupting the other person; being a know-it-all; giving
unwanted or unasked-for advice.
I know there’s a lot of advice here. However, you don’t have to learn and use it all at
once. Pick one or two things to focus on and master, then move on until you’ve mastered
the entire list. Once you’ve mastered all (or most) of these tips, you’ll be a better conversa-
tionalist—and a better communicator.
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Telephone Conversation Skills
Good telephone skills are an important part of communication skills. I came across a
great post on the Crucial Skills on-line newsletter. Kerry Patterson, co-author of the book,
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High, writes the newsletter.
He received a question from a reader about how to conduct an important conversation
over the phone. Here is Mr. Patterson’s response . . .
“You do indeed need to think twice before handling a crucial conversa-
tion over the phone. Routine conversations are full of information—both
verbal and nonverbal. High-stakes conversations are even more likely to
contain both unspoken and spoken messages. In fact, when it comes to
high-stakes discussions, sometimes you can gather as much from people’s
tone, delivery, and body language as you can from their words. This ability
to divine a full battery of information can be particularly important if the
person you’re talking with is intimidated by your position or expertise. You
may have to see them in action to catch their reluctance to disagree or their
unwillingness to complete an assignment.
Unfortunately, as you’re suggesting, phones don’t give you the visual
data that you so sorely need. So what’s a person to do?
First, talk face-to-face whenever possible. Don’t use the phone and
never use e-mail to conduct a crucial conversation. Far too many people
use the computer or phone to save them from getting up from their work
station and having a conversation with a direct report, boss, or coworker.
Either they don’t believe that it’s important to conduct high-stakes and emo-
tional discussions in person or they choose convenience over effectiveness.
Either way, according to a recent study we conducted, more than 87 percent
of those surveyed admit that using high-tech means to resolve a workplace
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confrontation has not been effective in their experience. And 89 percent say
e-mail, text messaging, and voice mail can get in the way of good workplace
relationships.
But we’re still left with your question: What do you do when all you
have is the phone?
First, be aware that you’re operating without one of your senses. Since
you can’t see the other person, pay particular attention to what you can
hear. Listen for pauses that indicate the other person isn’t feeling safe. Pay
attention to tone, pacing, and vocal tension for signs that the person is feeling
stressed. Listen for words that indicate hedging or whitewashing.
If it does seem as if the other person is nervous or isn’t speaking frankly,
remember your safety skills. Apologize when necessary. Contrast to fix mis-
understandings. Seek mutual purpose and maintain mutual respect. Ask,
“Does that make sense or am I missing something here?” Invite differing
views.
To ensure that you yourself are not too tense and thus confounding the
climate, relax your grip on the phone. Sit back and take in what the other
person is saying. Breathe deeply, place a smile on your face, and seek to
understand the truth in what the other person has to offer. This helps you
move from debate mode to conversation mode.
Second, go public with the problem. Explain that you’d rather hold the
conversation face-to-face but you can’t, so you want to take special care to
ensure that both parties are heard. Emphasize that you desire to work
through the problem in a way that satisfies both of you.
Third, continually check for understanding. It can be easy to assume
that the other person has comprehended your point of view when you can’t
see his or her look of confusion and all you’re getting is silence. Ask if your
explanation made sense. Own your responsibility by asking: “Did I explain
that well or should I take another pass at it?”
Fourth, summarize every few minutes. It’s easy to forget some of the
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content when you’re listening carefully to both the content and the delivery.
Stop and summarize key points along the way or they may get lost.
Finally, check and see how the phone conversation is working. You
explained at the beginning that it wouldn’t be as easy to hold the crucial
conversation over the phone, so stop at least once and ask if it’s going
alright. If it’s not, check to see what isn’t working.
Once again, if your only way of talking to the other person is over the
phone, then be on your best phone behavior. Otherwise, walk, bike, drive,
or fly over to the other person’s work site and talk face-to-face. It’s always
the best option.”
Mr. Patterson makes some great, common sense points here beginning with “use the
phone for important conversations only when there is no other option.” He is right on when
he points out the importance of summarizing key points and checking for understanding
more often than you would in a face-to-face conversation.
I suggest you print this advice and read it prior to having an important, or potentially
difficult, telephone conversation.
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Communication Skills Quote
“In the modern world of business, it is useless to be a creative original
thinker unless you can also sell what you create. Management cannot be
expected to recognize a good idea unless it is presented to them by a good
salesman.” - David M. Ogilvy

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Email
We all receive so many emails everyday that it is easy to take email writing for granted.
Emails, are simple right? Sit down at your computer, bang out a message, hit send. Wrong.
You have to spend some time making sure that your emails communicate the right message
about you.
While composing an email isn’t the same as writing a longer report, clear, concise
emails will get you noticed in a positive way. Here are some tips to help you write better
emails.
• Create a subject that means something. Don’t just say “follow up,” “report,”
“meeting.” Make sure your subject line is compelling enough for people to
want to open your emails. For example, when I mention someone in a blog
post, I always send them an email. My subject line usually reads “I mentioned
you on my blog post today.” Most people, even if they don’t know me, will
open this email, because they want to know on which blog they were
mentioned, and they want to read what I had to say.
• Use short paragraphs. Double space between paragraphs. This makes it easier
for the reader.
• Use lists where appropriate. Bullet points are best for a series of ideas you want
to communicate. Numbers are good when the preceding text says something
like, “there are five steps to this process.”
• Use precise words; say exactly what you mean. Write in complete sentences,
and use proper grammar.
• Read your email before sending it. Spelling and grammar checks often don’t
catch errors like substituting the word “there” for “their.”
• Try to keep email messages to one screen. If you cannot do so, put the lengthy
information in an attachment.
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• If you say you are attaching a file in the text, make sure you have actually
attached it. Make sure you attach the correct file.
• Most email programs will provide you with several names from your mailing
list after you have typed a few letters in the “To:” line. Make sure you click on
the correct name before sending your email.
• Never send or respond to an email when you are angry. When you send an
email or a response when you are angry, you are likely to write something that
you will regret later.
• It’s best to avoid emoticons (i.e. smiley faces, etc.) in most business emails.
• It’s best to avoid internet abbreviations (i.e. btw, which means “by the way,” or
otoh, which means “on the other hand”) in business emails. Write the words
you want to say.
• Be careful what you forward. If you are not sure how the sender will feel about
you forwarding an email he or she has sent you, ask him or her before you
forward it.
• Remember, emails are stored on company networks for years. Never write
something in an email that you are not prepared to defend if it popped up on
the front page of the New York Times.
These are a few tips to help you write better emails. Well-written emails are just anoth-
er way of demonstrating your communication skills. And, good communication skills get
you noticed in a positive way. They are an important part of becoming a career star.
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Proofreading and Editing Your Writing
The first thing to remember is that the spell-check function on your computer is not an
editor. It will catch glaring spelling errors, but in most cases, it won’t catch problems like
using the word “there” when you meant to use “their.” Therefore, you have to proofread and
edit your writing.
Personally, I find it easier to proofread and edit longer documents if I have printed
them, but this is just a personal preference. I suggest you experiment and decide if the
printed page or computer screen is best for you.
Let’s discuss editing first. Here are some ideas on editing what you’ve written.
• Be brief: never use two words when one will do.
• Be clear and specific: for example, don’t say “we received numerous inquiries.”
Instead, say “we received 14 inquiries.”
• Sound human: say something like “I’ll keep you informed,” not “further
information will follow.”
• Stick to one topic per paragraph: short paragraph breaks make it easier for
people to follow your train of thought.
Now for proofreading.
• Read what you’ve written. Make sure it’s clear and logical. Try reading what
you’ve written out loud to hear how it sounds.
• Pay attention to spelling, grammar and punctuation.
• Pay close attention to names of people, places, organizations, technical terms
and numbers (times, dates, addresses). Double-check them for accuracy.
• If you make extensive corrections, read your document one last time—to make
sure that you didn’t miss anything.
If you follow this common sense advice, your writing will be clear and tight. And a
well-written document has propelled many people to great career success.
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Presentations
Presentations are an important communication tool. Many careers have been made on
the strength of one or two good presentations. Presenting can be frightening. It doesn’t have
to be. Presenting is like any other process, there is a series of logical steps to follow.
1. Determine your message.
2. Analyze your audience.
3. Organize your information for impact.
4. Design supporting visuals.
5. Practice, practice, practice.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine your message:
• What do you want or need to communicate?
• What information does the audience need?
• Why do they need it?
• At the end of the presentation, what should the audience: Understand?
Remember? Do?
You can determine the best way to communicate your message by analyzing your audi-
ence. Ask yourself these questions:
• Who is the audience for this presentation?
• Why are they attending?
• What is their general attitude toward me and the topic?
• What is their knowledge level on this topic?
Use the golden rule of journalism to organize your information for impact: “Tell them
what you’re going to tell them, Tell them, Tell them what you told them.”
Begin at the end; prepare your presentation ending first. This is helpful, because it
keeps you focused on where you’re going. Your ending should be the three or four main
points that you want your audience to remember. This is the “tell them what you told them”
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part of your presentation. There should be nothing new in your ending, just a summary of
your main points. Write your ending and memorize it. Audiences remember how you end,
so you want to be completely prepared.
Then prepare your presentation beginning. A good beginning has three things: a grabber,
a hook, and an outline of your talk. Grab people’s attention to get them to focus on you and
what you’re saying. Tell a story related to your message, ask a rhetorical question, or bring
up a headline from the morning paper. Tune into radio station WII FM (What’s In It For
Me?) when preparing your opening hook. A good WIIFM makes your audience want to lis-
ten to what you have to say because they see the value in it for them. Provide an outline of
your talk to make it easy for your audience to listen to and follow your presentation. This is
the “tell them what you’re going to tell them” part of your presentation. A brief outline of
your talk helps the audience keep up with you and understand where you’re going.
Write your opening and memorize it. Next to your closing, audiences are most likely to
remember how you began. You have only a few seconds to get their attention and make
them want to listen. Prepare yourself by knowing exactly what you’re going to say. Having a
memorized opening also helps you manage your nerves. You’ll feel more confident as you
begin your presentation if you know exactly what you are going to say.
Fill in the blanks with your content. This is the “tell them” part of your presentation
where you fill in the outline you developed for your presentation opening. This is the place
for facts, figures and tables.
Stories are a helpful tool for enhancing your content. If you use a story, make sure it
reinforces the point you are making. If there is even the slightest potential for the audience
not getting how your story reinforces your point—tell them. Never tell a story that leaves
the audience wondering why you told it.
Quotations are another good way of building your credibility with the audience. Plan
your use of quotations. Know who you are going to quote and how what he or she said has
relevance to the point you are making.
Break complex subject matter into manageable parts. If you are having difficulty fitting
all of the information you want to convey about a subject on one slide, it is a good idea to
break the subject into subsections and create a separate slide for each part.
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Plan for transitions. Make sure the audience knows when you are leaving one point and
moving on to another. Plan segues that help your audience know when you are moving on.
A simple segue is something like: “we’ve covered point A, so let’s move on to point B.”
Don’t write and memorize all of your content; you want your presentation to flow. Your
talk will flow better if you know approximately what you’re going to say about each point.
Good presenters use about 85 to 90% of the same words every time they give the same talk.
It’s the 10 to 15% that makes the difference in how well you connect with your audience.
Memorized talks make it difficult to insert the timely and topical sentence that can be the
difference between a competent talk and one that sparkles.
Be careful with humor. Don’t tell stories or jokes that can be offensive to anyone in the
audience. We live in politically correct times. Even if we didn’t, humor that demeans,
excludes or offends is never appropriate.
Design visuals to enhance what you are saying. Good visuals support the points you are
making, create audience interest, improve audience understanding, save you time (a picture
is worth a thousand words) and are memory aids.
Visuals also act as your presentation outline. They are your notes, visible to everyone.
They remind you of the points you are making as you move along in your talk. They are so
obvious as audience aids, they become almost invisible to the audience as speaker notes.
Most audiences will think that you are speaking without notes if you use your visuals properly.
Make your visuals easy to read from the farthest part of the room in which you are pre-
senting. Use the “rule of five”: no more than five words per bullet point, and no more than
five bullet points per slide. When using a prescribed and “busy” slide template, cut down
the information on each slide. Complement, don’t compete with the background. Make sure
that the colors of your bullet points are easily readable.
If you decide to use “build” slides to keep people focused on the point you are making,
keep the builds simple. Avoid having text “fly in.” Highly animated visuals may showcase
your PowerPoint abilities, but they distract from your message.
Accomplished speakers use visuals with pictures or graphics and little or no words. If
you rehearse properly, you will know exactly what you want to say and the point you want
to make when the picture or graphic comes up on the screen.
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PowerPoint is not always the best choice for visuals. Consider flip charts when working
with a small group. Flip charts should be legible, easy to read from the back of the room
and colorful. Use blue or black for writing, and red or green for accent colors.
Regardless of what type of visual you use, always speak to the audience, not the visual.
It’s OK to glance at the screen or flip chart, but remember to keep your focus on the audience,
not your visual.
Practice, Practice, Practice. Rehearse, Rehearse, Rehearse. Remember the old saying,
“practice makes up for a lack of talent.” Say your presentation out loud. Listen to yourself.
Video-tape yourself. If you don’t have the equipment, practice in front of a mirror, or your
spouse, or your dog or cat—just practice.
Practice and rehearse with your slides. You need nothing more than your computer to
do this. Make sure you know exactly what you are going to say for every slide in your deck.
Follow the old maxim: Prepare, Practice, Polish, Present. Never give a speech without
practicing it, identifying and polishing the rough spots. Practice gives you the opportunity
to improve your presentation.
Arrive early for your presentation. Make sure your computer works with the projector.
If possible, set it up before it is your turn to speak. Use handouts to help your audience listen.
PowerPoint notes pages are particularly useful for handouts. They provide an organized,
easy-to-use, note-taking tool.
Take a few deep breaths prior to beginning your presentation; this will help calm your
nerves and help you project your voice. Articulate and enunciate clearly; don’t be lazy. Say
every syllable of every word as clearly as you can. Slow down; most of us speak too rapidly.
If you slow down your delivery, you will most likely present at a relaxed, easy-to-understand
pace.
Let your audience see your excitement and enthusiasm for your topic. If you’re not
excited by it, they won’t be either. Communicate in the audience’s language, not yours. Avoid
jargon. Use the type of words that are most likely to be fully understood by everyone present.
Step away from the podium. It is a barrier between you and your audience and it
restricts your natural energy and enthusiasm. Buy a radio frequency device to advance your
slides. These devices are relatively inexpensive; most come with a laser pointer built in.
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Look at different people in different parts of the audience as you speak. This will help
you address the entire audience, not just the people in one section. Use both forms of eye
contact: fleeting and dwelling. Fleeting eye contact involves moving your eyes quickly from
one person to another. Dwelling eye contact involves focusing on a single individual for a
few seconds.
If you tell a humorous story, wait until the laughter dies down before moving on.
Audiences who are laughing are enjoying the presentation, don’t hurry along and cut short
their enjoyment.
Involve your audience as much as possible. An easy way to do this is to ask for a show
of hands. Vary the cadence and volume of your talk. Speed up, slow down, speak louder or
softer to reinforce the points you want to make. Practice before you try this in front of a live
audience.
Pause after making a key point. This indicates to the audience that what you have just
said is important and that you want them to remember it. For extra emphasis, repeat what
you said just before the pause.
Manage your gestures. Gestures should flow; they should not be herky-jerky. Keep both
hands where people can see them, not in your pocket. When you move, move toward and
back from the audience, not from side to side. If you are on a large stage and want to move
left to right, do it in a diagonal motion.
Use body language to your advantage. For example, you can take off your jacket, loos-
en your tie, or roll up your sleeves to indicate that you’re serious and ready for some hard
work. Again, practice this before attempting to do it with a live audience.
Anticipate the types of questions you are likely to receive from the audience; prepare
your answers to specific questions beforehand. In this way, you’ll be in control. Don’t give
all of the information in your talk. Hold back some of the details. These details will enable
you to easily answer questions. Repeat every question that you are asked. Do this for three
reasons: 1) you’ll be sure that you heard and understood the question correctly; 2) you will
buy yourself some time to think about the question and your answer; and 3) you will
ensure that your audience hears the question.
Stay calm. Don’t let a hostile member of the audience bait you into saying something
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you wish you hadn’t. This way you’ll remain in control, of yourself, the audience and the
talk.
As I’ve said before, preparation makes up for a lack of talent. It also helps cut down on
your pre-presentation anxiety. If you know what you’re going to say, you’ll be much less
nervous just before and as you are saying it.
Finally, treat your presentation as a conversation with the audience. Conversations are
less anxiety-producing than presentations. Realize that your audience wants you to succeed.
They want you to succeed because they want the information you have to give them. They
want you to succeed because they’ve been in your situation, and they know that presenting
can be nerve-wracking. Because your audience wants you to succeed, you don’t have to be
perfect. It’s OK to admit that you left out an important point and to return to it. It’s OK if
you misspeak and correct yourself. You’re a person, the audience is comprised of people.
No one is perfect. You don’t have to be perfect to give a great presentation.
If you find presenting extremely difficult, join Toastmasters to sharpen your skills, or
take a presentation skills workshop, either at work, or at a local college.
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Presentation Delivery
I’d like to spend some time on presentation delivery. I always advise my presentation
skills coaching clients to move away from the podium and their laptop when they are giving
a presentation; stand up and move around.
“I can’t do that. I have to be near my computer so I can advance my slides,” is the most
common objection I get to this piece of advice.
My answer: spend a few bucks and buy yourself an RF (radio frequency) remote device.
This type of device will let you advance slides from anywhere in the room. Don’t get an IF
(Infrared Frequency) device. If you’re using an IF device, you have to physically point the
remote device at the plug-in on your computer. You have to have a direct line of sight. On
the other hand, an RF device sends radio waves that work in a 360-degree pattern. You
don’t have to point it at your computer to advance the slides.
Enough of this technical gobbledygook . . .
The point here is that effective presenters move around the room and interact with their
audience. Standing behind a podium advancing slides by using the up and down arrows on
your laptop, minimizes the type of audience interaction necessary for a good presentation.
A U-shaped set of tables is the most typical seating arrangement for meetings where
presentations are going to be made. I always make it a point to walk into the U and make
eye contact with people all around it as I speak. In this way, I am inviting them to be pres-
ent and engage with what I am saying.
I don’t stand at the base of the U very long, because then my back is to a large part of
the audience. Instead, I move on a vertical diagonal into and out of the U. If I am standing
at the right front, I move to the left rear as I am speaking. I back straight out, and then
move from the left front to the right rear. Once I’ve done this circuit, I spend time in the
front of the room, moving from side to side.
When someone asks me a question, I approach him or her, making eye contact. I repeat
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the question, to make sure I’ve heard it correctly and to make sure that everyone else in the
audience hears it. Then I answer. Many times, especially if an opinion is called for, or I
believe other people in the audience have the answer to the question, I’ll say something like,
“I’ll tell you what I think in a minute, but first I’d like to hear what other people think.” I
always give my answer after one or more people speak; after all, I promised I would. If I
agree 100% with something someone else has said, I merely say, “I agree with Sue.” If I have
something else to add, I’ll say, “Those are some great points, but here is how I look at it.”
When people are answering a question I’ve posed or responding to my invitation to
comment on something, I always walk toward them, making eye contact. When they have
finished, I’ll turn to the person who asked the question to see what he or she seems to be
thinking about the response.
Moving into the U, making eye contact with everyone and bringing other people into
the discussion, make my presentations more lively and enjoyable, both for me and for the
people in attendance.
This is all made possible by technology: the RF remote device I mentioned above. Sure,
I could still move into the U and toward people asking questions if I had to advance the
slides manually; however, my presentation would be awkward, not smooth.
One last thing about RF remote devices: they make it easy to go back to slides you’ve
previously covered. If someone asks me a question when I’m halfway down the U and it’s
something that I mentioned two slides previously, I can stay where I am, go two slides back
and answer the question. Again, the presentation has a smooth look and feel to it when I do so.
The common sense point to all of this: if you’re going to be making a lot of presenta-
tions, invest in an RF remote device to advance your slides. You and your audiences will be
glad you did.
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The Power of Stories
I’d like to discuss the power of stories as a communication tool. Stories are a powerful
way to communicate; we all learn through stories.
Read on to learn how to construct stories that will help you get your message across.
I’m a natural-born story-teller. I have always been able to use stories to get my points across.
A few years ago, I sat down and thought about how I go about constructing stories. I came
up with a simple three-step formula that anyone can use to create powerful stories that will
help you make your point:
1. Identify something that in your heart of hearts you know to be “true;”
2. Think about the experiences you’ve had that have led you to this “truth;”
3. Shape those experiences into a story that you can tell at the drop of a hat.
Here’s an example of how I have used this formula.
One of the things that I know to be true is that if I am going to be a good communicator,
I must meet other people where they are, not where I would like them to be. Let me tell
you how I know this.
Several years ago, I had an assignment to conduct a team-building session for a manu-
facturing plant manager and his staff. The client was a friend of mine; I knew him well.
I arrived at his office abut 5:00 the afternoon of the day before our session. We chatted
for a few minutes. We were just about to leave to have dinner with his wife when he said,
“Do you have an agenda for tomorrow’s meeting?”
I said, “Well, first we’ll do A, then B, followed by C. We’ll finish up with D.”
He said, “Do you have an agenda?”
At first I thought he hadn’t been listening to what I just said, so I repeated myself: “First
we’ll do A, then B, followed by C. We’ll finish up with D.”
He said, “Yes, I know, that’s what you just said. Do you have an agenda?”
At that point, it dawned on me that he was looking for a printed agenda with times. I
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said, “No, but we really don’t need one. I’ve done a lot of meetings like this. It will go fine.”
He said, “I’m not comfortable winging it.”
At that point, I thought, “Winging it? I’m not winging it, I know exactly how to run a
meeting like this.”
He went to his computer, turned it on (remember, we were just about to leave for the
day when this conversation started), fired up PowerPoint and said, “OK, tell me again what
we’re going to do.” He created a PowerPoint slide and we printed one copy for everyone
who would be attending the next day.
We left his office, went to dinner and had a very enjoyable evening.
The next day, the meeting went off without a hitch. We followed the agenda that I had
in my head and he had on the PowerPoint slide. Everyone agreed that it was one of the best
meetings of this type that they had ever attended.
As we were leaving, I said, “Things worked out just like I said. Are you happy with the
result?”
He said, “Yeah, it was a great meeting, but I still think we were lucky because we were
winging it.”
I didn’t respond, just finished cleaning up and drove to the airport.
That evening on the flight home, I thought about the situation. He thought we were
winging it, and I thought we were following a well-thought-out plan. The difference? He
needs more structure than I do. The piece of paper with the agenda was very important to
him and his sense of order. To me, the paper wasn’t necessary, because I knew in my head
what to do and how to do it.
Who was wrong here? Who was right here? We both were. He needs and prefers
structure; I don’t. There is no right and wrong. As I reflected, it became clear to me that, if
I want to influence this client (and others who prefer structure), I need to change my
communication style.
From that day on, whenever I am dealing with a highly structured person, I modify my
communication style to meet their needs for structure. If he or she wants a printed agenda,
I show up with one. If he or she wants a detailed explanation of how things will happen, I
present it. I don’t say, “Trust me.”
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My plant manager friend taught me an important lesson: always modify my style to one
that will assist me in making my point with other people.
As you read the story, you can see how I used my 1 - 2 - 3 formula to construct a story
that I can use any time I want to help people see and learn the importance of using stories
to make a key point.
The common sense point here is simple: if you use stories to make your points, you’ll
be more likely to be seen as a great communicator.
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The Power of “You”
I read a lot of blogs and subscribe to a lot of email newsletters. One day, a newsletter
from Michel Neray, The Essential Message, popped up in my inbox. I always open Michael’s
newsletters quickly, as they deliver on what they promise: 57 seconds-worth to help you
think, smile and build your business.
This newsletter was entitled, It’s Really All About “You.” I really liked what Mr. Neray had
to say. Here it is:
“Here’s a simple communication tip that you can use immediately to increase the power
of your emails, proposals, web copy and presentations.
Compare these two statements:
• Most people use general statements in their written and verbal communications,
which are less compelling and less credible than specifics.
• If you use general statements in your written and verbal communications, you
are less compelling and less credible than if you use specifics.
There are several things I could have done to improve on the first statement, but I
changed it only as much as I had to in order to shift the focus from ‘most people’ to ‘you.’
Which statement caused a stronger reaction and was more compelling for you?
It may feel odd to use the second person (you) when you’re writing an email that’s
addressed to multiple people, writing a proposal intended for an organization, or speaking
to a group of people during a sales presentation or a speech.
Partly, it may feel strange to say ‘you’ if you were taught in high school that ‘proper’
writing should always be written in the third person. It may feel doubly strange because
your brain is telling you that you must be inclusive of everyone you’re addressing.
But if you want your emails, proposals, web copy and presentations to have more
impact—as you can see from the simple demonstration above—that’s exactly what you
should do. Why? Because no matter how many people are on your email list or how many
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people are in your audience, each one is an individual who will feel more engaged if he or
she is addressed as one.
What’s more, getting in the habit of using ‘you’ does even more than help you create a
stronger response in your reader or listener—it helps you to take on a more customer-centric
mindset.
And that’s ‘essential’ for your Essential Message.”
Common sense advice on improving your communication from Michael Neray. Try it,
and you’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll communicate in writing.
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Write in the First Person
Previously, I shared Michel Neray’s thoughts on using the word, “you,” the second person,
in your writing. Here, I’d like to focus on using the word, “I,” the first person, in your writing.
I think there is some vast conspiracy afoot; this is not a plot to overthrow a government
or steal the secret formula for Coca Cola. This plot is worse. It’s engineered by some vast,
unknown, but powerful force that makes people write like weenies—specifically, writing in
passive voice.
How many times have you read—or worse yet, written—the words, “it is recommended
that …”? That’s weenie writing. That’s writing in passive voice.
Who is doing the recommending? If it’s you, write, “I recommend …” That’s confident,
assertive and clear writing. That’s writing in the first person, active voice.
When you write in the first person—beginning sentences with words like, “I think,” “I
suggest,” “I recommend,” “I believe,”—you come across as clear and decisive; not to mention,
easier to read.
When you write in passive voice—beginning sentences with words like, “It is the general
opinion that,” “The recommendation is to,” “It is the consensus that our organization
should”—you run the risk of creating confusion in the minds of the reader. Worse, you
come across as indecisive and hard to read.
Forget about what anyone might have told you about business correspondence or what
you think sounds more official. Remember this: never use passive voice. Always use the first
person, active voice. Stand up in writing for what you believe; use the word “I.”
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Write Simply and Clearly
Miss Myrtle Tremblay was my senior year, high school English teacher. Miss Tremblay
was 65 years old, and retired the year I graduated. She was a legend at the school, and was
renowned for preparing her students to do well in college English courses. I had her for the
first two periods of the day: one period was devoted to grammar and writing; the other was
devoted to literature—reading important works and writing about them. It was a lot of writing.
We wrote one or two papers a week. Every week, my papers came back marked, “Vary
sentence beginning: Minus 10;” “Vary sentence structure: Minus 10.” Miss Tremblay was big
on starting sentences with phrases and clauses, and using simple, compound, complex, and
compound-complex sentences. I’m a straightforward guy. My style was, and is, simple sen-
tences: subject, verb, object.
Guess what? Miss Tremblay was wrong when it came to the kind of writing most of us
will need in our careers. Compound-complex sentences may make for beautiful literature,
but they are not meant for good business communication.
So become a clear, concise writer. Writing is another important career-enhancing com-
munication skill. As with presenting, there are a few rules that are easy-to-learn and follow
and that will make your writing stand out from the crowd.
Make your writing easy to read and easy to understand. Small words and short sentences
are better than large words and complex sentences. Write like you speak; imagine that
you’re speaking to your reader. When you’re finished writing, read the document out loud
to see how it sounds. Put yourself in the reader’s shoes. Ask yourself: What do they know
about this topic? What do they expect and need from this document? A good rule is: be
clear, concise and human. Remember, another person is going to read what you’ve written;
write with him or her in mind.
Use simple, straightforward language. Everyday, simple words are best. Never use a
multi-syllabic word when a simple one will do. Explain jargon as you go along, or provide a
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glossary of terms at the end of the document. Better yet, avoid jargon if at all possible.
Use the active voice. Say, “I suggest we do this,” rather than, “It is suggested that …”
Keep your sentences short; the subject, verb, object sentence structure is best. It’s usually
best to stick to one idea per sentence. Be brief, but use the correct amount of words you
need to adequately make your point. While short sentences are best, sometimes a long
sentence is the right way to communicate.
Break some rules. For example, it’s fine to begin a sentence with the words “and” or
“but.” In school, you were probably taught to avoid this. But by breaking a rule occasionally,
you will become a better communicator.
Now a few grammar points: beware of tricky words. Know the difference between its
(the possessive) and it’s (the contraction of “it is”), and your (the possessive of you) and
you’re (the contraction of “you are”). Use “can” to show that something is possible. Use
“may” to show that something is permitted. Use “compare to” to emphasize similarities. Use
“compare with” to emphasize differences. Use “fewer” when describing individual objects
that can be counted. Use “less” when describing collective terms that can be measured but
not counted. For example: “I had less money, so I had fewer coins in my pocket.”
Make sure you read out loud what you have written. This will help you identify awkward
language and phrasing. Make your writing look easy to read; short sentences and paragraphs
result in more white space on the page, and look easier to read.
Finally, read. Most published writers follow the basic rules of clear writing. You can
learn a lot by seeing how the pros do it; copy the styles and techniques that appeal to you.
Buy a copy of The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. Refer to it often for grammar and
punctuation questions. Use your spell-check function. But remember, spell-check won’t
catch the difference between the words “there” and “their.” Proofread your document after
spell-checking it.
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“People aren’t going to get the message unless they can latch on to who you
are and how you’re presenting the information.” - Steve Roesler

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Communications Skills Snippet 14:

Shaun Fawcett on writing
any business report
1. Confirm Exactly What the Client Wants
This is a very important initial step. Whether the client is you, or someone else, be sure
that everyone has the same expectations. Think in terms of the deliverable—the final report.
What issues must it address? What direction/guidance is it expected to give? What exactly
will it contain? What bottom line are they looking for?
2. Conduct the Initial Research

Once you know exactly what the client (or you) wants, you are ready to conduct your
initial pre-report research. This stage may be as simple as collecting and reading a few back-
ground documents supplied by the client, or it could involve developing questionnaires and
conducting detailed interviews with the appropriate people. It will vary with each situation.
The internet can really simplify and shorten the research process, but don’t forget to double-
and triple-check your sources.
3. Write the Table Of Contents First

Shaun says that drafting the Table of Contents before you start writing is the single
most important key to developing a successful business report. Usually, you can develop the
Table of Contents before, or in parallel with, the first phase of project information gathering.
The Table of Contents should be a carefully thought out breakdown of exactly what you will
cover in the final report. Although this takes up front time and brain power, it really stream-
lines the writing process. Visualize the final report; write the contents down. This really works!
This Table of Contents then becomes a step-by-step template for the rest of the process.
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4. Do Any Additional Research

After thinking through the Table of Contents in detail, you will know if any additional
research is required. If yes, do this extra information gathering before you sit down and start
to actually write the report. That way, once you begin the writing process you will have all
of the information needed at hand and you will not have to interrupt the writing process to
conduct any further research.
5. Create a Skeleton Document

Shaun suggests a trick here especially when working with Microsoft Word—always
create a skeleton document first. Before you actually write any of the text, enter the entire
Table of Contents you have already developed into MS-Word, heading by heading, including
sub-headings. At this point, the document is essentially a sequential series of headings and
sub-headings with blank space between them. Then, have MS-Word generate an automatic
Table of Contents that exactly matches your planned one.
6. Fill In the Blanks

That’s right, just fill in the blanks. Once the Table of Contents skeleton framework is in
place, writing the actual report becomes almost like filling in the blanks. Start at the beginning
and work your way sequentially through the headings and sub-headings, one at a time,
until you get to the end. Really. At that point, with all of the preparation done, it should be
a relatively straightforward process.
Mr. Fawcett presents some great common sense ideas on how to write an effective report.
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Artful Persuasion
Recently, I came across an interesting book: Artful Persuasion: How to Command Attention,
Change Minds, and Influence People. Commanding attention, changing minds and influencing
people are important communication skills for anyone interested in becoming a career star.
The author is Harry Mills.
Mr. Mills has identified seven “triggers” that anyone can use to become more persuasive:
1. Contrast. Use contrast to make your position more appealing. Establish a
benchmark and then contrast your idea with it. Recently, on my
www.CommonSenseGuy.com blog, I told the story of two Iraq war vets who
started a business importing machine-woven rugs from Iraq. They use contrast
very effectively in their marketing. Large, hand-made Persian rugs generally
cost several thousand dollars. The vets sell machine-made rugs, that look very
similar to hand-made rugs, for about $1,200. This is a great use of contrast as
a persuasion technique.
2. Reciprocation. This is based on the idea that most people feel that, if they are
given something, they should give something in return. This is the basis of
most internet marketing. In return for a free report, you sign up for a mailing
list. Reciprocation works in one-to-one interactions too. One good way of
using this technique is to share your opinions on a given subject first. This
puts the other person more at ease and generally more willing to share his or
her thoughts on the matter.
3. Commitment and Consistency. Sales trainers tell you that it’s important to get
people saying “yes.” Once people say “yes” once, you can appeal to their sense
of logic and consistency to move them to your way of thinking. For example, if
you are trying to convince someone that you need to set and stick to meeting
groundrules to make your meetings more effective, the conversation might go
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something like this:

YOU: Do you think that we waste a lot of time in meetings around here?
HIM or HER: Yes, we do waste a lot of time in meetings.
YOU: Do you think it would be a smart idea to make our meetings more efficient?
HIM or HER: Yes, that would be good.
YOU: Do you think we should set and stick to better meeting groundrules?
HIM or HER: Yes, we should do that.
You’ve just successfully persuaded someone using commitment and consistency.
By getting him or her to agree with you on a very basic question, like “do we
waste too much time in meetings?” and building to your ultimate goal, you
were able to establish a consistent pattern of commitment.
4. Authority. This goes along with the idea of positive personal impact. If you
make a positive personal impact—by being well-dressed and well-groomed,
standing up straight and conducting yourself in a confident manner—people
will respond to you and you will be more effective in your attempts at persuasion.
5. Scarcity. Everybody likes something unique and scarce. You can use this to
your advantage by packaging your ideas as attractive, but difficult to achieve.
6. Conformity. People like to be part of something bigger than them. You can
become more persuasive not by asking people to join you, but by asking them
to sign on to be part of something special and successful.
7. Liking. People want to associate with people they like and with whom they
have something in common. Stress the similarities you have with the people
around you. Look for ways to build bridges to them through social events that
highlight those similarities.
These are some common sense ideas on how to become more persuasive and
influential —two important communication skills necessary for becoming a career super star.
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Networking
I’d like to focus on an important, but often overlooked, communication skill: networking.
Networking is helpful when you are looking for a job, but it is even more important when
you are happy with your situation. All career and life stars build and nurture a strong net-
work.
Here are some ideas for building your network:
• Start with the people you know. These people already like and trust you. Ask
them to introduce you to people they know with whom you may have a lot in
common. Return the favor.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When networking, talk less and listen
more. Get to know other people, by asking them about themselves. They’ll
appreciate you for this and return the favor by asking about you.
• Build relationships first; ask for help second. Be on the lookout for ways to
help people you meet. Go out of your way to pass on referrals and/or
information to them. That way, you’ll have something in your emotional bank
account with them when you need their help.
• Adopt an abundance mentality. This is similar to the previous idea. Be willing
to help others with no expectations of anything in return; people will remember
you for this. Your kindness will be repaid many times over.
• Follow through. If you say you’ll call someone, call him or her. If you say
you’ll send someone some material, send it. Most importantly, thank people for
their time and thoughts. A handwritten thank you note will set you apart from
most people, who either don’t thank others, or do it via email or the phone.
• Join professional organizations. I am a member of ASTD (The American Society
for Training and Development) and the National Speakers Association. These
are the two groups where I find like-minded people. Join the important trade
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group for your specialty.

• Prepare to make a good impression. Develop an “elevator speech”—a 20- to
30-second introduction that is a summary of who you are and what you do.
Practice this elevator speech until you can say it fluently and effortlessly every
time you meet someone new.
- Here’s my elevator speech. “Hi, I’m Bud Bilanich. I’m in the success
business. I help individuals, teams and entire organizations succeed by
applying their common sense.”
• Maintain and cultivate your network. Keep in touch with the people you meet
and send them articles they might find interesting. Call them or send them an
email to say hello every few months.
Networking is an important skill. Career and life stars have large networks. They have
people they can call to help them find the answer to questions they have, find a new job,
find a good service provider, etc.
If you use these eight tips, you’ll become a great networker.
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J. Lyman MacInnis on Public Speaking
I’d like to call your attention to a great book on public speaking: The Elements of Great
Public Speaking, by J. Lyman MacInnis.
Mr. MacInnis does a good job of breaking down the key elements of any good speech
or presentation. His first eight chapters focus on what he considers to be the elements of
any good talk.
1. The right topic. Mr. MacInnis identifies three key points about choosing a topic
for your talk: know your topic, care about your topic and be eager to talk
about your topic.
2. Managing fear. Mr. MacInnis says that preparation is the best way to manage
fear of public speaking. I agree. As I’ve mentioned a few times on my blog,
“preparation makes up for a lack of talent” is one of the quotes by which I live.
3. Know your audience. Mr. MacInnis suggests learning as much as possible
about your audience before you begin preparing your remarks. In this way, you
can tailor your talk to your audience. Not long ago, I gave a talk to a group of
high school rugby coaches, parents and student leaders. I used the material in
my book, 4 Secrets of High Performing Organizations, but I focused on how these
ideas could be used to create a top-notch high school rugby program. People
in the audience really appreciated the fact that I took the time to tailor my
remarks to their specific interests.
4. Determine the goal of your talk. Mr. MacInnis says, “Consider whether your
goal is to inform, persuade, motivate or entertain.” Your answer to this
question will give you great clues for what to include in your presentation.
5. Writing the speech. Mr. MacInnis suggests writing out your entire speech. I
disagree with him here. I think it is important to write and memorize your
opening and closing. I think it is better to note the key points you want to
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cover in the body of your talk, instead of writing out the entire talk, as it can
lead you to give a rote, overly mechanical-sounding talk.
6. Don’t make your talk dependent on PowerPoint; your visual aids should
enhance, not drive your presentation.
7. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Mr. MacInnis suggests practicing out loud, and I
agree wholeheartedly. Practicing out loud helps you gain the comfort and
familiarity with your material that you need to do a great talk. In my opinion,
extensive practice takes away the need for writing your entire talk.
8. Delivery. Mr. MacInnis discusses four things to which you must pay attention
to do a good job on the platform: your words, voice, facial expressions and
gestures. He provides good advice on managing these four.
Mr. MacInnis does a good job of summarizing the information in each of these chapters.
These summaries are a great tool for quick reference the next time you have to do a talk.
I like The Elements of Great Public Speaking. I think it makes a handy reference guide for
anyone who makes presentations or speaks in public; it will be a great help to you in
enhancing your communication skills. And communication skills are a key to career success.
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A Reference Book for Communication
Recently, I came across the How to Communicate Workbook, by Martha Davis, Kim Paleg
and Patrick Fanning. This book is a great primer for anyone interested in improving his or
her communication skills. The How to Communicate Workbook is divided into three sections
and 17 chapters. The sections are:
• Laying the Groundwork for Effective Communication;
• Handling Difficult Conversations and Situations;
• Out in the World: Friends, Family and Work.
In addition to solid content and communication advice, the 17 chapters contain real-life
examples and worksheets to help you become a better communicator. For example, Chapter 1,
Listening, provides a list of reasons for what the authors describe as “motivations for pseudo
listening” at work:
• Wanting to be liked;
• Checking for signs of rejection;
• Searching for a specific piece of information;
• Preparing your response;
• Listening so you will be listened to;
• Listening for weak points, gathering ammunition;
• Checking to see if you’ve achieved the right effect;
• Trying to be “good” or “nice;”
• Not knowing how to leave without offending.
They follow this up with a list of the twelve most common blocks to effective listening:
• Comparing
• Mind Reading
• Rehearsing
• Filtering
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• Judging
• Dreaming
• Identifying
• Advising
• Sparring
• Being right
• Derailing
• Placating
They define each of these blocks and then offer case-study exercises to help you identify
the listening blocks in a real-life situation.
Each of the chapters follows a similar pattern.
This workbook will be helpful for anyone interested in becoming a better communica-
tor. It presents a nuts-and-bolts approach to helping you develop your communication
skills. I think that you’ll find it to be a good reference book that you’ll want to keep on your
office library shelf.
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Finding Your Voice
Writing is an important communication skill. I subscribe to an ezine written by Nick
Usborne. In a recent issue, he has an article about hitting your confident writing zone. In
this article, Mr. Usborne is explaining how to become a confident web writer. However, I
think he makes some very good points about how to become a confident writer in general.
Take a look at what he has to say:
Watch for the Moment When You Hit Your Confident Writing Zone
by Nick Usborne
“Perhaps the headline doesn’t make complete sense right now . . . but it
will in a while, I hope. Let’s say you have chosen a topic for your site, and
that it’s going to be a content-rich site with maybe a hundred pages or
more. Eventually.
And we’ll assume that your topic is something you have some knowl-
edge of, and are interested in. Well, you have to start writing at some point,
and like many people, you’ll probably start with the home page, and then
start writing some second-level pages with strong keywords.
Switching now to my personal experience with my own site,
CoffeeDetective.com . . .
I knew a fair amount about coffee before I started. And the topic inter-
ests me enough to keep me enthusiastic about learning more and writing
more. But, like everyone, I had to start somewhere. I started with the home
page and quickly added some second-level pages, just to get something “up
there.”
From there I was writing a new page once every other day or so. And I
kept a steady pace until I hit the twenty-page mark. Or something like that.
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Like many other people, I was anxious to get pages uploaded and
indexed by the major search engines. But I didn’t hit a mature and con-
fident voice for quite a while.
As you write your site, you’ll find that you are learning more and more
about your topic as you go along. The more pages you write, the more you
learn. And the more you learn, the more confident you become in your
knowledge.
As a result, you’ll find yourself settling into a much more confident
writing style. Or, put another way, your voice will become more confident.
This maturing of your writing style and voice, and the confidence it com-
municates, is an essential ingredient of any good content site.
Your readers will hear that tone of confidence, and they will feel more
comfortable as a result. And with comfort comes a growing level of trust.
They’ll view you as an authority, because you sound like an authority.
OK, so how about those first 20 pages?
Good question. Writing my coffee site, I know I didn’t hit that “confi-
dent writing zone” for quite a while. So I went back over the earlier pages. I
didn’t rewrite them all. But I did edit most of them.
Maybe doing that confused Google for a little while. But I felt it impor-
tant that every page on the site carry the same voice and the same level of
confidence. After the rewrites, my early pages not only sounded a lot better,
but they also matched every other page on the site in terms of tone, voice
and feel.
There’s nothing weird here. Taking time to hit your pace is a familiar
event for most professional writers. It happens when you’re writing an arti-
cle too. You might be two-thirds of the way through an article before the
light bulb goes on, and you suddenly discover what it is you should have
been saying, and how you should have been sounding, right from the start.
If you’re writing a seven-hundred-word article, this is no big deal. You
simply start over. It happens to me all the time.
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But with your web site . . . Clearly a web site requires a lot more
writing than an article. And because you are learning so much as you go,
and you’re becoming more finely attuned to the market you are in and the
people you are writing to, this “aha” moment may take quite a while to
arrive.
But be sure you are aware that the moment will arrive. Listen out for it.
When you have written a few pages that came out easily, and are all in the
same confident, relaxed tone, that’s the time to sit back and see what you
have done.
Re-read those pages. Become intimately familiar with the tone and style
you have adopted. And then—at least this is what I did—go back and edit
your earlier pages, particularly those which no longer seem to ring true, or
feel quite right.
As I said, Google may get a little confused for a while. But your readers
won’t. They’ll love your confidence and trust your content.”
I really like what Mr. Usborne has to say about the importance of finding your voice,
and being willing to edit previously written material to fit with it. Finding your voice will
make you a more confident writer. A more confident writer is a better communicator. And,
as we all know, communication skills are one of the hallmarks of career and life stars.
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RadAir Andy and Conversation Skills
Continental Flight 1421, Cleveland to Denver. I got an upgrade and am in 3B. Just after
I sit down, the guy in 3A shows up. I get up to let him into his seat. He says, “Thanks.”
Then he holds out his hand and says, “I’m Andy Fiffick.” I shake his hand and say, “Bud
Bilanich.” A very interesting conversation followed.
As it turns out, Andy is the CEO of RadAir Car Care. He owns six automobile repair
shops in the greater Cleveland area. He was on his way to Denver, along with one of his
Service Writers, to attend a customer service workshop for the auto repair industry.
I bring this up here because Andy Fiffick is a master at conversation. And conversation
skills—along with writing and presentations—is one of the three key communication skills
that all career stars have mastered.
Andy took the initiative. Before we had even settled into our seats, he looked me in the
eye, introduced himself by name and shook my hand. That’s a great start to any conversation.
But Andy didn’t stop there. He engaged me; he asked why I was going to Denver. I told
him that I lived there. Then he offered information about himself and told me about the
workshop. This is a great way to begin any conversation and Andy did all of these things
very well.
Andy is in the automobile repair business. Cars are his life; he enjoys them and knows
a lot about them. To me, a car is a way of getting from one place to another. When I lived in
New York, I thought that one of the main advantages of living in New York was that I didn’t
have to own a car.
However, Andy was so enthusiastic about cars and the car repair business, I wanted to
chat with him. He explained the different “tiers” of the business; he offered some advice on
maintaining our two cars and then asked about my business. He was very interested in what
I do. In short, we had a great give-and-take discussion. We both sought out topics of con-
versation we had in common. By doing this, we were able to learn about one another.
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Andy also demonstrated another important conversation skill: the willingness to offer
help without the expectation of anything in return. I mentioned that a friend of mine has a
son who is interested in pursuing a degree in Automotive Technology. Andy offered to look
into schools in my friend’s area and recommend a good one.
By the time we landed in Denver, I wished Andy’s auto repair shops were here. If you live
in the Cleveland area, you might want to check out his operation. Go to www.RadAir.com.
Andy Fiffick is an excellent conversationalist. Here are a few of the things that make for
any good conversation; Andy did all of them.
1. Take the initiative; introduce yourself and shake hands.
2. Get the other person speaking. Ask something about the other person.
3. Open up to the other person; offer some information about yourself.
4. Be enthusiastic. Let your passion for who you are and what you do show
through.
5. Be open to learning about the other person; ask questions, listen, show you
understand.
6. Engage in a give-and-take. Don’t dominate the discussion, but don’t make the
other person do all the work.
7. Be willing to offer help, if appropriate.
If you follow these seven simple steps, you too can become a great conversationalist.
And conversation skills are key to becoming a star in your career and life.
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“Small talk is the appetizer for any relationship. Be willing to take the risk
to be the first to say hello.” - Debra Fine

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Handling Questions in a Presentation
Presentation skills (along with conversation skills and writing skills) are one of the
three key skills that all career stars master. Many people tell me that questions are the most
difficult thing for them to handle when they are making a presentation. Here are some sug-
gestions—adapted from the bible of professional speaking, Speak and Grow Rich by Dottie
Walters and Lily Walters—on how to effectively handle a Question and Answer session in
your presentation.
• Step toward the audience, put your hand over your head, smile, lean forward
and ask “Who has the first question?” If the audience is shy and no-one
responds, ask yourself a question. Say, “Audiences often ask me . . .”
• If you’re really worried about getting audience participation, prior to your talk
ask someone you know in the audience to ask a question when the time
comes. This usually will get things moving.
• Prepare a set of numbered question cards and hand them out in advance of
your talk. Begin your question and answer session by saying, “Who has
question number 1?” Ask that person to read the question. Respond. Go
through your other planned questions. This is a great way to make sure that
you highlight the main points you want to make.
• Begin your answer to every question by saying something like, “That’s a great
question,” or “Thanks for that question.” Then repeat the question, to make
sure you’ve gotten it right, and to make sure that everyone in the audience has
heard the question.
• If someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer—say so. It’s
OK to say, “I don’t know.” I often will say something like, “I don’t know the
answer to that one; does anyone in the audience have some idea?” You’ll be
surprised at how often someone in the audience will come to your rescue. If
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no one rescues you, simply say, “I’ll do some research on that and get back to
you.”
• If one member of the audience keeps on asking the same question over and
over—with different words—say something like, “I know that this is a hot
topic for you, Joe. Let’s discuss it after I finish this presentation.” In most cases,
this will mollify Joe, and allow you to get back to the points you want to make.
Handling questions well can make you a memorable speaker. The secret is preparation:
know your topic; think about the questions you are likely to get; and plan your answers
beforehand. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never get a question that you haven’t thought of,
but it will give you an advantage because you will have answers for most of the questions
you’ll be likely to receive.
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Questions Keep Conversations Going
Conversation skills, along with writing and presentation skills, are one of the important
elements in being a good communicator. The other day, Cathy (my wife) and I were talking
about how most of the people we meet these days are pretty good conversationalists as long
as we are asking them questions about themselves and their families—and how poor they
are at asking about us.
Conversation is a two-way street. Yes, it’s great to talk about yourself and your family
and all of the wonderful things you’re doing and have done. On the other hand, there are
always two people in a conversation, and it’s important to let the other person speak too.
Craig Wilson, one of my favorite columnists and author of The Final Word column in
USA Today, wrote about this very phenomenon. His column that day was entitled, One
Question: Why Aren’t You Asking Me Any? Here’s a little of what Mr. Wilson had to say in that
column.
“A reader in Oklahoma City piqued my interest last week when he wrote

about a ‘serious problem’ spreading across the land. He thought that if it
were highlighted here, it might be stopped. I doubt it, but let’s give it a try.
The problem? He dubbed it ‘me-ism.’ What he and his wife have found is
that they can spend great amounts of time with recent acquaintances, and
those people never ask a personal question of them. Not one . . . Why, he
asked? Good question. And I thought it was just me . . . I’m always per-
plexed that more often than not, no-one seems to ask anything about me.
As much as I hate the ‘and what do you do?’ lead in, I’d be grateful for even
that on occasion.”
This is exactly what Cathy and I found. As long as we carry the conversation and ask
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people about themselves, things are great. When we stop asking questions, the conversation
seems to stop too. Personally, I find this perplexing. To me, people are endlessly fascinating.
I like to find out about them: what they do; how they think; where they’ve been.
I’m always a little surprised when people show so little interest in me. I think I’m a
pretty interesting guy. I’m not narrow; I can talk about books, movies, Broadway shows,
politics, sports, whatever.
Mr. Wilson has done something about one-sided conversations.
“I have turned the one-sided chat into a game. Now when I meet a stranger
at a party, I ask a thousand questions, then wait in silence to see if any
questions bounce back. Sometimes I’ve stood there for five minutes, which,
believe me, is a long time for me to be silent. Usually these people just
smile and look a bit perplexed, perhaps wondering why I’m no longer inter-
ested in their fascinating lives.”
I think this is a fine party game, but it won’t help you become a success in your life and
career.
The common sense point here: engage people in conversation. Answer questions about
yourself, but don’t forget to ask questions about them. Find something you have in common,
and use that as the basis for moving the conversation along. People with good conversation
skills get noticed—and they become career and life stars.
One last piece of advice from Mr. Wilson:
“For years, I’ve had a button on the bulletin board over my desk. It’s bright
yellow and has a simple message: ‘Ask a Bunch of Questions.’ I don’t know
where it came from . . . I think we should make a million copies and hand
them out at parties. Maybe they’d bring about dialogue . . .”
Pretty good common sense advice; when you’re in conversation, the best way to keep it
going is to ask a lot of questions.
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Bafflegab Thesaurus
Bill Piombino, a friend of mine, sent me this. It’s very clever—and it points out just
how much jargon has taken over business communication. I first saw this back in the
1970’s. Then it was called a “Bafflegab Thesaurus.” Whatever it’s called, I think it’s worth
sharing here.
Buzzwords for Business Writing

When you’re stuck in your writing, use this quick guide to create phrases that will
make you sound as if you know what you’re talking about. Here’s how it works. Think of
any three-digit number. Then, select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces “systematized logistical projection,” a phrase that
can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority.
No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about, but the important thing is
that they are not about to admit it.
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
0. Integrated 0. Management 0. Options
1. Heuristic 1. Organizational 1. Flexibility
2. Systematized 2. Monitored 2. Capability
3. Parallel 3. Reciprocal 3. Mobility
4. Functional 4. Digital 4. Programming
5. Responsive 5. Logistical 5. Scenarios
6. Optional 6. Transitional 6. Time-phase
7. Synchronized 7. Incremental 7. Projection
8. Compatible 8. Third-generation 8. Hardware
9. Futuristic 9. Policy 9. Contingency
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Realize that I’m joking here. While “systematized logistical projection” sounds good, it
really means nothing. The best writers use small words, simple sentences and the active
voice. Never use this buzzword generator in your business communication.
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Erin Gruwell and
The movie Freedom Writers is the true story of a remarkable teacher, Erin Gruwell, and
teacher, assigned to teach a class of at-risk kids. The racial tension in the LA area was appar-
ent among the Black, Latino and Asian kids and one lonely and fearful white kid in her
classroom.
taught.
Erin Gruwell demonstrates excellent communication skills in the film. In business, you
achieve success by mastering three types of communication skills: conversational skills,
writing skills and presentation skills. Erin Gruwell had a different challenge. She needed to
develop communication skills that would allow her to communicate effectively with her stu-
dents. This meant identifying cultural barriers to communication and then finding ways to
get around them.
This wasn’t easy. Ms. Gruwell came from a liberal, white, upper-middle-class back-
ground. At best, her students saw her as a “bleeding heart”—someone who would pretend
to care about them (or maybe even really care about them) during school hours, but who
would forget about them after school when she went home. There is one very powerful
scene in the movie where one of the Latino students says, “I hate white people, especially
white cops. White people think they can do anything they want to you because they’re
white.”
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Obviously, meaningful communication is very difficult to establish in such a situation.

Erin Gruwell did what she could to communicate with her students. She taught poetry by
bringing a boom box to class to show how rap lyrics are a form of poetry and that, by lis-
tening to rap, you can begin to understand more conventional poetry.
She listened when her students laughed at her for not understanding the message
behind some of what they were saying. There is a very touching scene near the end of the
film, where one of the Black students says, “That ain’t going to cut it, Ma.” At first she is
offended; she says, “Let’s get this straight. I’m nobody’s mother.” The class gets very quiet,
and then one of the Hispanic students says, “It’s a sign of respect.”
In addition to communicating with her students, Ms. Gruwell needed to communicate
with other teachers and administrators. While there are only a few scenes where we see her
doing this, in these scenes she is articulate and forceful in presenting her case. Also, she
does a good job of not stooping to the level of the other teachers who attack and belittle
her. She assumes, rightly, that these teachers are envious of her success, and that to engage
them would only be petty. She maintains her dignity when attacked by not fighting back.
She lets her actions and her success in teaching her students speak for themselves.
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on communication skills...
“Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler.”
- Albert Einstein
“It’s alright to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and
then.” - Richard Armour
“There is no arena in which vanity displays itself under such a variety of

forms as in conversation.” - Blaise Pascal
“Speak little and well, if you wish to be considered as possessing merit.”

- French proverb
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
- Dorothy Nevill
“I try to leave out the parts that people skip.” - Elmore Leonard
“I’m not a very good writer, but I am an excellent rewriter.”

- James Michener
“Easy reading is damn hard writing.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
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“There are certain things in which mediocrity is not to be endured, such as

poetry, music, painting and public speaking.” - Jean de la Bruyére
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking.

Number two is death. Does this sound right? This means to the average
person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the
eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“If you can’t write your message in a sentence, you can’t say it in an hour.”
- Dianna Booher
Here is how I see the logical progression of these quotes.

Einstein probably wasn’t speaking about communication when he made his comments
on simplicity, but he could have been. Effective communication—in conversation, writing or
presentations—should be as simple as you can make it, and still get across your message.
Richard Armour, Blaise Pascal, the French proverb and Dorothy Nevill give great advice
on conversations: speak little, listen a lot and hold your tongue.
Elmore Leonard echoes Einstein; when writing cut out all of the information that the
reader will find unhelpful.
James Michener (one of my favorite authors) and Nathaniel Hawthorne point out the
importance of rewriting. Writing comes naturally to me, so my first drafts are usually pretty
good. However, my second, third and fourth drafts are always better than the first.
Jean de la Bruyére points out just how important a small presentation can be. Many
careers have been made on the strength of one or two excellent presentations. People do not
like to listen to an unprepared or boring speaker.
Jerry Seinfeld tells a different version of the old joke about public speaking being the
number one fear of most people. However, like anything else, if you deconstruct the process
of making a speech, as I have in one of the snippets in this section, you’ll find that public
speaking isn’t that difficult after all.
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Finally, Dianna Booher makes a great point about clarity and focus. That’s why I always
tell people to never begin a presentation by making PowerPoint slides. Figure out what you
want to say, the main point you want your audience to remember, before starting to create
slides.
Here are the common sense points I take from these quotes.
• KISS – Keep It Short and Simple.
• Listen more than you speak. Pay close attention to other people. Figure out
what makes them tick and then converse in that manner.
• Write simply and in a straightforward manner. Be as brief as possible, and still
get your message across.
• Second and third drafts are always better than first drafts. When writing, factor
in time for editing.
• If you learn the basics of doing a talk, you will be able to successfully apply
them over and over again.
• When planning a talk, start at the end. Determine the exact message you want
your audience to remember.
If you apply these common sense points, you’ll be well on your way to becoming an
excellent communicator.
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Final Thoughts on
Communication skills are the fourth point on the career star model. As I mentioned in
my final thoughts in the outstanding performance section, performance is the key ingredient
in career and life success. However, no matter how well you perform, good communication
skills will always help you get your performance noticed. A well-written report or presenta-
tion detailing what you accomplished can be almost as important as the accomplishment
itself.
Here are my thoughts on how you can become an excellent communicator and reinforce
all of the good work you do.
1. Take the opportunity to strike up conversations with all the people you meet. I
am constantly amazed at the interesting people I meet in the strangest places—
at the doctor’s office, on a plane, in line at a Starbucks. These types of
interactions are good practice for becoming a good conversationalist at work.
2. It’s not difficult to become a good conversationalist. Here are my simple rules
for good conversation. They begin with one important point: be intensely
interested in the other person. Call him or her by name. Ask the other person
about himself or herself. Listen more than you speak. Check to make sure you
understand what is being said.
3. Write clearly and simply. Read what you write before you send it to someone.
Does it bore you or interest you? Is it clear or confusing? If it bores you or is
confusing, chances are that it will be boring and confusing to the person who
has to read it. You can make a great impression with your writing—without
ever meeting the other person. Use your writing as a tool to help you get recognized.
4. Use email as the great productivity tool that it is. Don’t abuse it or overuse it.
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Talk in person to the people in the cubicle or office next to you. Talk to the
people on your floor, in your building and at your location. Don’t just
communicate with them via email. You’ll be surprised how a little human
contact goes a long way.
5. Make your emails even more succinct than your other writing. Don’t respond
to emails when you’re angry. Don’t use email to show up your colleagues and
co-workers.In short, use your common sense when you use email.
6. Become a good presenter. If you learn your material and practice, you’ll find
that your stage fright will disappear. Rule 1 in becoming a good presenter:
practice. Rules 2 and 3: practice, practice and more practice.
7. Don’t be a slave to PowerPoint. Figure out what you want to say before you
begin creating slides.
8. Become a good storyteller. People like stories, and they remember them. A
good story can help you make a memorable presentation.
9. Remember, the audience is there looking for information, not to judge your
performance. Meet their needs by focusing what you have to say on what they
want and/or need to hear.
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Confidence
Impact Performance
Communication Interpersonal
Skills Competence
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Chapter 7
Interpersonal competence is at the heart of success. Interpersonally competent people
are able to build and nurture relationships with the people in their lives—their bosses, co-
workers, customers, friends and other influential people. Interpersonally competent people
get what they want without trampling on other people. They know that career and life suc-
cess, in large part, comes from their ability to skillfully negotiate agreements with all of the
people in their lives. They are problem-solvers. They look for agreement, instead of fights.
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Interpersonal Competence Snippet 1:

Fight Fair
No matter how interpersonally competent you are, you will occasionally find yourself
in a conflict situation. When you do, it’s a good idea to “fight fair.” In this way, you will do
the minimal amount of damage to the relationship you have with the person with whom
you are in conflict.
The other day, I came across an interesting blog post by Darren Rowse, entitled, Rules
for Fighting Fair. These rules were developed by a marriage counselor. I’ve taken them and
put them into a more generic business context.
Rules for Fighting Fair, <www.problogger.net>

1. Know what you’re fighting about. Be clear on the point of disagreement.
2. Stay focused. Stick to one subject only. Don’t let the conversation deteriorate to
a laundry list of grievances you have with one another.
3. Be direct. Say how you feel about the situation and what you want from the
other person.
4. Choose the time of your battles carefully. Avoid beginning conversations that
can lead to serious disagreements when you won’t have the time to finish
them.
5. Be discreet. It’s never a good idea to argue or fight in public; keep your
disagreements private.
6. Listen to what the other person says and respond accordingly. Avoid filtering
information and don’t try to read the other person’s mind.
7. On the other hand, be clear with what you think. Express your thoughts
clearly and don’t expect the other person to read your mind.
8. Acknowledge your share of the blame for the situation. Don’t put all of the
blame on the other person.
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9. Own your own feelings. This means starting sentences with “I feel,” not, “you
make me feel.”
10. Speak respectfully to the other person. Don’t put him or her down.
11. Take the high ground. Don’t hit below the belt.
12. On the other hand, don’t wear your belt too high; in other words, don’t be
overly sensitive.
13. Stay in the present. Don’t bring up past disagreements and use them as
ammunition for the present one.
14. Listen actively.
15. Never let an argument deteriorate to the point of physical violence.
These are 15 good, common sense ideas about how to handle yourself in a conflict
situation. Learn and use them, and you’ll become more interpersonally competent.
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A Birthday Wish—and
Helen Blackman is my mother in law. On her 85th birthday, her 94-year-old sister,
Catherine Denton, sent her these birthday wishes. I think they say a lot about Interpersonal
Competence.
Read on for a great birthday wish, and for some common sense advice on becoming
interpersonally competent . . .
A Sister’s Birthday Greetings and Wish

• Care for yourself as best you can, so that your body remains healthy, your
mind alert, and your outlook positive.
• Use your time, resources and energy well, reaching out to others as a
wellspring of joy.
• Don’t forget to forgive, as much as you ask to be forgiven.
• See the good in bad times. Double your blessings by sharing them.
• May the world, and each day, be just a little bit better because you are in it.
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Barack Obama on Empathy
As this is a business and career success book, I keep it apolitical. However, I have been
reading Senator Barack Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope, and I found some of his words
on empathy to be directly applicable to interpersonal competence.
Paul Simon, the deceased former US senator (not the musician), was one of Senator
Obama’s friends and role models. In writing about Senator Simon, Senator Obama says:
“That last aspect of Paul’s character—a sense of empathy—is one that I find
myself appreciating more and more as I get older. It is the heart of the golden
rule—not simply as a call to sympathy or charity, but as something more
demanding, a call to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see through their
eyes.”
I agree with Senator Obama here. Sympathy and charity are somewhat easy; empathy
can be tough. It’s tough to see the world through the eyes of a boss who you think is a bully.
It’s tough to see the world through the eyes of a co-worker you think is overly ambitious. It’s
tough to see the world through the eyes of a difficult customer, or someone you see as a
non-responsive service provider.
Yet that’s why empathy is so important. The more you can see the world through the
eyes of someone with whom you disagree, the more likely you are to be able to work
productively with that person.
As he is discussing empathy, Senator Obama tells a story about living with his grand-
parents when he was in high school:
“My grandfather bore the brunt of much of my adolescent rebellion. He

himself was not always easy to get along with; he was at once warmhearted
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and quick to anger, and in part because his career had not been particularly
successful, his feelings could also be easily bruised. By the time I was 16,
we were arguing all the time. With a certain talent for rhetoric, as well as an
absolute certainty about the merits of my own views, I found that I could
generally win these arguments, in the narrow sense of leaving my grandfa-
ther flustered, angry and sounding unreasonable. But at some point, such
victories started to feel less satisfying. I started thinking about the struggles
and disappointments he had seen in his life. I started to appreciate his need
to feel respected in his own home. I realized that abiding by his rules would
cost me little, but to him it would mean a lot. I recognized that sometimes
he really did have a point, and that in insisting on getting my own way all
the time, without regard for his feelings or needs, I was in some way dimin-
ishing myself.”
Senator Obama goes on to say “there’s nothing extraordinary about such an awakening.”
I’m not so sure about that—especially in one so young.
The point here is that Senator Obama has provided a real-world view of empathy in
action. It’s easy to say, “show a little empathy;” it’s difficult to actually do so. Empathy for
people you like, and with whom you agree, is easy. It’s much more difficult to show empathy
for people on the other side of things.
But, working hard to understand other people’s side of things—their experiences and
world view—will make you better able to build effective relationships. All interpersonally
competent people are good at building, nurturing and maintaining strong, mutually beneficial
relationships with the people around them. Empathy is an important component of
relationship building.
One last point about empathy. This one was driven home by my friend, Don Nelson,
retired Senior VP of HR for Pfizer Pharmaceuticals. One day, a person’s name came up during
a conversation we were having. I didn’t particularly like this person and said so. With a
smile on his face, Don said, “He speaks highly of you too.” This little interaction taught me
a few things: first, Don wasn’t interested in listening to me poor-mouth someone we both
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knew; and second, and more importantly, I realized that there are two sides to every conflict.
I may not have liked the person in question, but I was still surprised to think of things from
his perspective and realize that he didn’t like me either. I decided to get to know this other
person better. When I did, I realized that he was a pretty good guy. I was letting first
impressions stand in the way of a friendship.
The common sense point here: work hard at understanding other people and their
point of view. If you do, you’ll be better able to build strong, lasting mutually beneficial
relationships—and become an interpersonally competent person.
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Resolving Interpersonal Conflict
No matter how good you are at dealing with people, there will be times when you get
into an interpersonal conflict. Here are a few ideas for resolving interpersonal conflicts:
• Agree on the real issue. Talk about it.
• Ask why. Why is this a problem? Why do you need to resolve it?
• Come up with lots of ideas that could resolve the issue for both of you.
• Choose the best idea—be willing to compromise.
• Decide what each of you has to do to make the idea work.
• Bring closure—shake hands, repeat your commitment, say “thanks.”
• Follow through on your commitments.
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Interpersonal Competence Quote
“If you smile at me, I will understand; because that is something everyone
everywhere does in the same language.” - Crosby, Stills and Nash

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Feedback
Interpersonally competent people are good at giving and receiving feedback. I’d like to
review some common sense ideas for giving constructive feedback to a colleague, friend,
boss, subordinate, supplier, or anyone else with whom you interact frequently.
I’ve developed these ideas over 30 years in business. They work for me, and they’ll
work for you . . .
Common Sense Tips for Constructive Feedback

• Protect the other person’s self-esteem. Yes, feedback sometimes is negative.
However, interpersonally competent people give feedback in a manner that
isn’t damaging to the other person’s self-esteem. Choose your words carefully.
Focus on what the person can do to improve his or her performance.
• Give feedback as soon as you can. The best feedback is immediate, as the
events will be fresh in both of your minds.
• Be clear on what you would like the other person to do differently. Don’t just
tell someone that he or she didn’t meet your expectations; repeat your
expectations and tell him or her what you would like to see him or her do
differently.
• Use questions to get someone thinking. Instead of saying, “That report will
upset the sales people,” ask, “How do you think the sales people will react to
this report?” Most people are smart enough to take it from there and make the
necessary changes in the report.
• Make sure the other person knows that you are sharing your opinion. It might
be a well-thought-out and reasoned opinion, but it is your opinion just the
same. Don’t present your opinions as facts. Make sure the other person knows
that you know your opinion is subjective, not absolute fact.
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• Use empathy. Put yourself in the place of the other person and see the situation
from his or her point of view. Use words that he or she will understand and
relate to. Listen to yourself as you speak. Make sure you are coming across as
helpful, not judgmental.
• Hold out a carrot. Explain the rewards that can accrue to the person if he or
she modifies his or her behavior and makes the changes you are suggesting.
• Stay calm. It’s never a good idea to give feedback when you’re angry. When
something sets you off, wait until you calm down before speaking to the other
person. If you find yourself getting angry during a feedback discussion, take a
few deep breaths and remind yourself that disproportionate anger will only
make the situation worse.
I hope you find these common sense tips on giving feedback useful. They have served
me well in my career.
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Gitomer on Connections
The other day, I picked up Jeffrey Gitomer’s new book, The Little Black Book of Connections.
The back cover copy says, “This is a business book and a life book, not just a sales book.
You will learn how to make the initial connection, how to capture the opportunity and how
to build rich relationships that last a lifetime.”
Rich relationships that last a lifetime are what interpersonal competence is all about.
The Little Black Book of Connections begins with this great piece of common sense advice:
“Everyone wants to be rich. Although most people think being rich is about
having money, rich is a description for everything but money. Rich relation-
ships lead to much more than money. They lead to success, fulfillment and
wealth.”
These are some of the most profound words I’ve seen when it comes to business and
life success. Keep them in mind . . .
On pages 34 and 35, Mr. Gitomer presents a self-quiz that he calls, The Little Black Book
Connection Self Test. Connections are an important key to interpersonal competence. The
brief quiz has 15 items. I am including the six items that are reflective of interpersonal com-
petence here; I suggest that you take a look at them. Answer “yes” if the item is basically
true about you; answer “no” if the item is basically not true about you.
1. People like me.
2. I am constantly meeting new people.
3. When I meet new people, I engage them right away.
4. I help other people regularly.
5. I look to make connections for others.
6. People call me to help them make connections.
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Take a look at the items to which you answered “yes.” These are your strengths. How
can you use these strengths to help you become even more interpersonally competent?
Take a look at the items to which you answered “no.” What can you do to turn the “no”
into a “yes?” Develop action plans for each item to which you answered “no” and then put
those plans to work.
I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice from Jeff Gitomer:
“Connecting is all about your friendliness, your ability to engage, and your
willingness to give value first. When you combine these three attributes you
will have uncovered the secret of powerful connections that lead to rich
relationships.”
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Gitomer on Building
Rich Relationships
As I mentioned previously, I’ve been reading and re-reading Jeffery Gitomer’s, The Little
Black Book of Connections. On pages 70 and 71, Mr. Gitomer provides some of the best
advice I’ve ever seen on becoming interpersonally competent. He calls it building rich
relationships. Whatever you call it, use this advice.
Read on for Jeffery Gitomer’s (slightly edited by me) advice on becoming interpersonal-
ly competent . . .
• Give value. You strengthen relationships by giving value to them—not

facts about you. Get leads for other people, or put them in front of
contacts that might help them.
• Tell truths. You build relationships by telling the truth even if it hurts
or embarrasses you.
• Beat goals. Have an achievable plan. Win big. Self-confidence is
attractive. Customers, especially, are attracted to it.
• Know Knowledge. Have as much knowledge about the other person
as you do about yourself.
• Have answers. Be a resource. Get to the point where other people
consider you a resource for information rather than just another
acquaintance.
• Tell stories: Stories help people relate. Tell a story and people tend to
tell you one back. Stories are personal; stories are revealing; stories are
truth.
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• Tell how. Tell how you have done things with other people. Tell how
you will do things with him or her.
• Find links. Part of the relationship-building secret is to break the ice.
Find something in common—a link that ties you to the other person.
Gathering personal information about another person prior to meeting
him or her lets you know where to start.
• Use links. Find information that helps the other person and surprise
them with it.
• Get personal. Use personal information in a creative, discrete and
sincere way.
• Be there. Earn your time in front of the other person by providing
them with valuable information.
• Be friends. Perform acts of friendship for the other person. Have fun
with them.
Remember, rich relationships are the basis of interpersonal competence. Learn, internal-
ize and use Jeffery Gitomer’s advice on building rich relationships and you’ll be on your way
to becoming a superstar in your life and career.
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Daniel Goleman on Social Intelligence
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, has a new book out called Social
Intelligence. It is based on a field of study called neuroscience that shows that our brains are
wired for sociability and connectedness—both very important to interpersonal competence.
Dr. Goleman says that empathy is a key component of both emotional intelligence and
social intelligence.
“Emotional intelligence includes self-awareness—knowing what we’re feeling

and why we’re feeling it. It’s self-management. It also involves empathy—
being tuned into other people. Social intelligence includes empathy and
social skills.”
He goes on to say:
“The more socially intelligent you are, the happier and more robust and
more enjoyable your relationships will be. At work, social intelligence
defines people with leadership skills and those who make the best team
members. IQ and academic skills predict what class of job you can get and
hold. But once you’re in the job, those capacities disappear as predictors for
whether you will be a star performer or leader.”
Dr. Goleman has some interesting things to say about the emerging field of neuroscience.
“Emotions are contagious. We’ve all known it experientially. When you have
a fun coffee with a friend, you feel good. When you have a rude clerk in a
store, you walk away feeling bad. Mirror neurons link brain-to-brain. This
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has caught the attention of people who do research on the workplace. They
have done studies that show if you put a person in a meeting who is either
purposely upbeat or downbeat, it changes the whole group’s collective
mood for better or worse.”
This is a key observation when it comes to becoming a career star. The common sense
message: be purposely upbeat, and you’ll have a positive influence on those around you.
Dr. Goleman says that “the quality of our relationships is under assault in modern life.
We need to put down the Blackberry, turn off the cellphone, put aside what we’re doing for
the moment and pay attention to what’s going on with the person with whom we’re interacting.”
Right on, Doc! Business and life are still hands-on, human relationships. Interpersonally
competent people know this, and they work hard at making true human connections with
the people in their lives.
One last quote from Dr. Goleman:
“We need to be fully present. We’re multi-tasking, and not paying full
attention to the person next to us. We need to remind ourselves more
often to pay attention to the human moment.”
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Live in the Human Moment
Interpersonally competent people live in the “human moment.” They attend to the
emotional needs of the people with whom they are interacting. Try these ideas to be more in
the moment:
• Shut off your cell phone and Blackberry before entering a meeting.
• Engage fully with people. Look them in the eye, pay attention to what they say.
• Listen to understand the feelings behind the words someone says.
• Show you understand both their words and emotions by repeating back what
you heard.
If you adopt these simple, common sense tips, you’ll be a more interpersonally compe-
tent person—and well on your way to becoming a star.
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Listening
Listening is key to becoming an interpersonally competent person. Read on for some of
my thoughts on listening.
I sometimes find information in unexpected places. I read a lot. Tony Hillerman and
Andrew Vachss are two of my favorite novelists. Mr. Hillerman writes mysteries set on the
Navajo reservation in the American southwest. Mr. Vachss writes tough-guy mysteries, many
of them set in New York.
I was reading a Hillerman book called Coyote Waits, and came across this passage.
“Jacobs was silent for a while, thinking about it, her face full of sympathy.
She was a talented listener. He had noticed it before. She had all her antennae
out, focused on the speaker. The world was shut out. Nothing mattered but
the words she was hearing. Listening was ingrained in Navajo culture. One
didn’t interrupt. One waited until the speaker was finished, gave him a
moment or two to consider additions, footnotes or amendments, before he
responded. But even Navajos listened impatiently. Not really listening, but
framing their reply. Jean Jacobs really listened. It was flattery, and Chee
knew it, but it had its effect.”
I have great respect for my books and usually don’t dog-ear them to mark a page. But I
dog-eared this page. I knew I would use it when I was writing something about listening.
What’s the message? Don’t interrupt, let the other person finish, don’t start deciding
what you’re going to say until after you’ve listened to, and thought about, what the other
person has said. Pretty good stuff to find in a middle of a mystery.
Burke is a character created by Andrew Vachss. He is a tough guy, but listening is one
of his strong suits.
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“It’s not hard to get some people to talk; it’s listening that takes real skill.
You can’t just shift to recorder mode until you confirm the channel is open
and the signal is strong. Sometimes, they just need to tell you something
important to them before they tell you anything important to you. It’s like
uncorking a bottle of wine and letting it breathe before you have a taste.”
Burke’s message is pretty clear too. Focus on the other person, let him or her take the
lead. If you’re patient, you’ll get the information you want and/or need.
You might find it odd that I’m dispensing listening advice based on what I’ve read in
mystery novels. However, one of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits is “Seek first to understand, then
to be understood.” Hillerman and Vachss are saying the same thing, just in a more poetic style.
To summarize: listening is key to becoming interpersonally competent. Focusing on the
other person, really paying attention to what he or she is saying, is key to listening.
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Interpersonal Competence Summary
Here are a few quick points on how to become a truly interpersonally competent person:
• Be honest. In that way, you’ll never have to remember what lies you told to
what person. Honesty makes your life easier.
• Keep your word. If you say you’re gong to do something, do it. If you can’t, let
the other person know.
• Be humble. Braggarts generally don’t fare well over the long run. Remember
the old saying, “lions don’t need to roar.”
• Be courteous. It costs you nothing, and it can mean everything to the other
person. It also helps in getting what you want. You really will get more flies
with honey than vinegar.
• Keep your cool. Any fool can get upset and angry. It takes a real gentleman or
lady to handle the situation calmly and with aplomb.
• Be responsible for yourself. No one can “make you angry.” No matter what they
do, you can always choose to act in a civil, forthright, constructive manner.
• Walk your talk. Do what you say you will do. Live the life you profess to live.
• Build and nurture relationships with colleagues, customers, suppliers. Take the
initiative to build relationships. Don’t wait for the other person to do so.
• Work hard at relating well with all kinds of people. People who are different
from you might make you feel uncomfortable at first. However, they also have
the potential for teaching you something you didn’t know.
• Listen well and demonstrate your understanding of others’ points of view. Ask
questions if you don’t understand; repeat your understanding to make sure you
got it right.
• Be a consensus builder. If you focus on where you agree with another person,
you’ll find that it will be easier to resolve differences and come to agreement.
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• Use conflict as an opportunity to develop creative solutions to problems and

issues. Treat conflict as a learning opportunity. It’s just a difference of opinion,
and differences of opinion bring the opportunity to create something new and
interesting.
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“The more credit you give away, the more will come back to you. The more
you help others, the more they will want to help you.” - Brian Tracy

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Being a Team Player
Interpersonally competent people are good team players. Recently, I read a Walk the Talk
book by Joel Leskowitz called, We’re # 1: A Story About . . . Teamwork. This is a fun, illustrated
book. It is the story of the Word division of the ABC Language Factory. One day, the letter
“I” decides to strike off on his own . . . and chaos results. It is a take-off on the old adage
that “there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’.”
We’re # 1 reminds me of John Guaspari’s clever book, about Punctuation Inc., on
customer service: I Know It When I See It.
While the story is clever and engaging, I found Mr. Leskowitz’s advice on being a good
team player to be the most valuable part of the book. On page 48, Mr. Leskowitz presents
this advice in the form of a self-assessment. Below, I have revised the items to present them
as straightforward advice.
• Carry your share of the load on the teams of which you are a member.
• Look for opportunities to contribute to others’ success. Become known for
asking “how can I help you?”
• Treat everyone in your workgroup as important and bring something special
and needed to the team.
• Solicit others’ ideas and opinions regularly. Make a sincere effort to listen to
what they have to say.
• Honestly consider others’ ideas and suggestions—especially when they run
counter to your own thoughts.
• Avoid criticizing others behind their backs. When you have a problem with
someone, deal with him or her directly and in a respectful manner.
• Share the spotlight when discussing accomplishments. Say “we” more often
than “I.”
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• Solicit, accept and be grateful for feedback from others. Use feedback to
become a better team player.
• Recognize and thank others for their efforts and accomplishments regularly.
• When it’s necessary and appropriate, be willing to place the needs of the team
before your own personal desires and goals.
This is good, common sense advice on becoming a great team player—an important
skill that all interpersonally competent people have mastered. Think about these points.
Make an honest assessment of yourself. Which ones describe you? Which ones don’t? Do
what it takes to make them all true for you.
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Interaction Tips
Recently, I came across a great little book called, Everyday Communication Techniques for
the Workplace by Deborah S. Roberts. It’s published by Ragan’s Management Resources. On
pages 14 and 15, Ms. Roberts offers 13 tips for interacting with colleagues. On the last
Friday the 13th, I posted them on my blog. They are reproduced here.
Interacting With Colleagues by Deborah S. Roberts

You’ll get along with most of your colleagues and co-workers if you remember to be . . .
• Truthful. Be honest about the things that matter. Don’t promise what you can’t
deliver.
• Predictable. Be even-tempered regardless of the circumstances. It’s difficult to
work with someone with a wildly changeable temperament.
• Private. Keep the intimate details of your personal life to yourself.
• Kind. Be accepting of people. Avoid telling jokes that reinforce negative
stereotypes. Avoid gossip. Leave, or change the subject when someone else
does it.
• Discreet. If you find yourself beginning a sentence with words like “I really
shouldn’t say this . . .” don’t say it.
• Patient. Listen. Give people time to fully express their thoughts and ideas
before launching into your response.
• Humble. Focus on others, not yourself. Instead of telling your colleagues
about your hopes, dreams, plans, successes, ask them about theirs.
• Clear. Words and expressions can mean different things to different people.
Avoid acronyms, jargon and colloquialisms. Check to make sure others under-
stand what you’re saying.
• Objective. When you offer feedback, focus on what the other person did, not
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him or her. Make it clear that you are expressing your opinion, not a hard and
fast fact.
• Polite. Use common courtesies like “please, thank you, I’m sorry.” Engage fully.
If you’re too busy or distracted to pay full attention to what someone is saying,
tell them. Say something like “I’m sorry, I really don’t have the time to talk
right now, but I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we find another
time for this conversation?”
• Firm. Learn to say “no” to requests on which you can’t deliver.
• Inquisitive. When you are having difficulties relating to a person, ask him or
her to tell you what’s going on. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t talk about one
person’s behavior to another.
• Silent. Resist the temptation to join into gripe sessions. If you think something
needs to change, do your best to change it.
These 13 items are good, common sense advice on building relationships at work. And
as I’ve mentioned before, the ability to build strong relationships is a trait shared by all
interpersonally competent people. Read and study these suggestions. More importantly, put
them to work in your everyday life.
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Art Rooney, The Pittsburgh Steelers and
I’m a Pittsburgh guy. I grew up in Ambridge, PA, just 15 miles from where the confluence
of the Monongahela and Allegheny Rivers forms the Ohio River. Having grown up there, I
am a lifelong Pittsburgh Steeler fan.
Displaced Pittsburgh guys like me have a love affair with their hometown and its football
team. I often get emails from friends about the Steelers, Pirates and Penguins—as well as
happenings in the ‘burgh. Last week, a friend of mine forwarded an article about Art
Rooney, the founder of the Pittsburgh Steelers (his family still owns the team), by Jim
O’Brien, a well-known writer on all things Pittsburgh. I think it is worth sharing here.
Art Rooney Was a Professor on Subject of Funerals

I go to many funerals because Art Rooney, the founder and owner of
the Steelers, taught me why I should be there. He said you didn’t go to stare
at the dead but rather to share with the living. He said it was more important
to go to a funeral when a friend lost a loved one than it was to go to the
funeral of that friend.
It makes sense, like Mr. Rooney did on so many subjects.
I thought about him when I paid my respects last Friday at the funeral
of Father Francis Lackner at the Laughlin Funeral Home in Mt. Lebanon.
Father Lackner had lived in retirement at nearby St. Bernard’s and at the
end at Marian Manor in Green Tree. He had been the pastor for many years
at St. Margaret of Scotland in Green Tree.
I had only met and spoken to Father Lackner perhaps two or three
times, but his brother Dan has been a friend and booster of mine for many
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years. Dan Lackner is the president of Paper Products Company on the

South Side. His wife Lois is from my hometown of Hazelwood. One of their
sons, Rich, is the football coach at Carnegie Mellon University.
Dan Lackner helped out in the offices of the Steelers when he was still
a student at Central Catholic High School in Oakland. He recalls that he
and Rege Cordic got out of school 20 minutes early each day so that Dan
could get to the Steelers’ offices and Rege could get to KDKA Radio where
he would become an on-the-air star as an adult.
Lackner learned a lot about Art Rooney in those days. Once, a few
years back, when I was having lunch with Lackner at Bruschetta’s on the
South Side, he told me a story about Art Rooney that may be my favorite
Art Rooney story. It tells you everything you need to know about why Mr.
Rooney was so special.
Dan Lackner, who is 80, and still goes to the office most mornings,
remembers going to the funeral of Kathleen Rooney, the wife of the Steelers’
patriarch, at Devlin’s Funeral Home on the North Side.
“No sooner had I stepped inside the door of the funeral home,” recalled
Lackner, “than this guy comes down the hallway and calls out to me. We’d
gone to school together at Central Catholic many years before. His name
was McNamara. Joe McNamara. He told me his father of the same name
had died at the VA Hospital and was laid out in the next room. ‘All his
friends are gone, and I didn’t know whether to have a funeral for him or
not,’ said his son. ‘But I decided to do it, so here we are.’ He told me his
father had been a city fireman and had lived on Dawson Street in Oakland.
I went with him to pay my respects. There was nothing in the room
but the casket and a kneeler. That was it. It was a sad scene.
He told me they were only going to be at the funeral home for one day.
When I left to pay my respects to Kathleen Rooney I bumped into Art
Rooney in the lobby. He said, ‘Dan, who were you talking to back there?’ I
told him about my boyhood friend and his father. He said, ‘C’mon, let’s go
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back and pay our respects.’ So we went back together and I introduced him
to my old friend whom I hadn’t seen in years, Joe McNamara.
Mr. Rooney talked to him for awhile, offered his sympathy, and I could
tell it meant a lot to McNamara. Art signed the book and took a Mass card
with him. He went to more funerals than anyone in Pittsburgh did, and he
always took one of those Mass cards with him when he left.
As we’re coming out of the room, a big, powerfully built black man is
coming through the main door, carrying a big basket of flowers in each
arm. Art called out to him, ‘Where are you taking those flowers?’ The man
said they were for Mrs. Rooney. Art said, ‘We have enough flowers. You take
them back to our friend McNamara.’
I saw Joe Greene and I think Terry Bradshaw coming in behind the
man carrying the flowers. Mr. Rooney sent them back to see his friend
McNamara.
In the door comes Tom Foerster, the former County Commissioner,
with his friend, Pete Flaherty, the former mayor of Pittsburgh. Mr. Rooney
greets them, accepts their condolences and tells them, ‘Don’t forget to go to
the back room and pay your respects to our friend McNamara.’
Foerster shoots Rooney a look. ‘What McNamara?’ And Rooney
responds, ‘Our friend McNamara, the fireman.’ And Foerster says, ‘’I don’t
know any fireman named McNamara.’ And Rooney rather testily tells him,
‘Yes, you do! The one from Dawson Street! Out in Oakland!’
And Foerster gives in and says, ‘Oh, that one.’ And he and Pete
Flaherty go back to the other room. So Art had everyone pay their respects
‘to our friend McNamara’ and sign the visitors’ book. It went on like that
the rest of the day.
When I came back the next day, my friend McNamara was still there.
He said, ‘We decided to stay another day.’
I went into the room once again to see his father. You could hardly see
Joe McNamara. The room was full of flowers. It looked like Phipps
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Conservatory. He showed me the visitors’ book and so many famous

Steelers, such as Joe Greene and Mel Blount and Terry Bradshaw, had signed
the book. Pete Rozelle, the NFL Commissioner, and Al Davis, the owner of
the Oakland Raiders, had been there, too. Everybody who was anybody in
the National Football League had signed the book.
That’s just the way Art Rooney was. That visitors’ book might be worth
something one of these days.”
That was the way Art Rooney was. I have a personal story about Art Rooney that I can
tell. Bob Gaona was one of my father’s friends. He played for the Steelers in the mid 1950’s.
In those days, the Steelers were terrible. My dad and his friend had season tickets for the
Steelers for a few years then. But you don’t make a lot of money working in a steel mill, and
my dad had other important things to do with his money—like saving for his two kids’
education. So my dad dropped his season ticket.
In the 1970’s the Steelers got good—they won Four Super Bowls in six years—and my
dad, like everyone else in Pittsburgh, wanted season tickets. He had a little bit of discretion-
ary income as my sister and I were out of college by then. One problem—at that time, there
was a waiting list that was several years long. Bob Gaona was visiting in Pittsburgh around
that time. My dad mentioned the problem to him. Bob called Mr. Rooney and explained the
situation. Mr. Rooney said “I understand. It was more important for the guy to save for his
kids’ education than to pay to see the Steelers. I’ll make sure he moves to the top of the
list.” The following week, my dad got his Steeler season tickets. He held on to them until he
left Pittsburgh to retire in Florida. When he did, he passed them on to one of my friends—
who will pass them on to his son.
The point of all this is, as the two stories above indicate, Art Rooney was a man who
did things for others—even if they could do nothing for him. Interpersonally competent
people do this. They know that the secret to building relationships is to do things for people
without expecting anything in return. Jeffrey Gitomer calls this “giving value first.”
Whatever you call it, being nice without expecting anything in return is the best and
quickest way to become a truly interpersonally competent person. And interpersonal com-
petence is a hallmark of all career stars.
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As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never
know how soon it will be too late.”
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Love is the Killer App
I’m a Tim Sanders fan. I first met him when I read his book, The Likeability Factor. I
thought that he was on to something, so I bought his previous book, Love Is the Killer App:
How to Win Business and Influence People.
In Love Is the Killer App, Mr. Sanders suggests that successful people are “lovecats”—
people who “intelligently and sensibly share their intangibles with their bizpartners.”
Mr. Sanders goes on to say:
• “Intangibles are our knowledge, our network and our compassion.”
• “Knowledge is everything you have learned and continue to learn. Knowledge
represents all you have picked up while doing your job, and all you have
taught yourself . . . it means every piece of relevant data and information you
can accumulate.”
• “Network is your entire web of relationships. In the twenty-first century,
success will be based on the people you know. Everyone in your address book
is a potential partner for every person you know . . . Once, scarcity created
value. Today abundance can create value . . . The more people in your network,
the more powerful the network.”
• “Compassion is the personal quality that machines can never possess—the
human ability to reach out with warmth, whether through eye contact, physical
touch, or words. The ability to show compassion is paramount to human
happiness in any situation . . . Our humanity can be defined as the ability to
involve ourselves emotionally in the support of another person’s growth. When
we celebrate someone’s accomplishments, or show true sympathy for someone’s
undoing, it’s our warmth that separates us from the thinking machines.”
In The Little Black Book of Connections, Jeffrey Gitomer makes similar points:
• “All things being equal, people want to do business with their friends. All
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things being not quite so equal, people STILL want to do business with their
friends. HINT: To climb the ladder of success, you don’t need more techniques
and strategies, you need more friends.”
• “Everyone wants to be rich. Although most people think being rich is about
having money, rich is a description for everything but money. Rich relationships
lead to much more than money. They lead to success, fulfillment and wealth.”
• “Providing value to someone is a whole new way of thinking. It means give
first rather than ‘ask for’ first. It means helping others so that they will look
forward to helping you back.”
As you recall, interpersonal competence is the topic of this segment. Both Mr. Sanders
and Mr. Gitomer have important things to say about interpersonal competence. Here’s how I
have boiled down what they have to say.
Interpersonally competent people build strong, mutually beneficial relationships with as
many people as they can. They do this by sharing their knowledge and helping others. They
help the people they know connect with other people they know to the benefit of both par-
ties. They genuinely care about other people, and let this caring show.
Some of these ideas are instinctive with me. I have been writing this book because I
want to share my knowledge. I have always been pretty good at putting together people
who can benefit from knowing one another.
I need to work on some of these ideas. Mr. Sanders says to read voraciously to expand
one’s knowledge. I read a lot (four to five books a week), but my ratio of fiction to non-fic-
tion is skewed. I read about 80% fiction, and most of that is thrillers and detective fiction.
One of my resolutions for 2007 is to up my reading of business and other non-fiction books
to 40% of my total reading. While I think of myself as a compassionate person, I am not
always as supportive of others as I can be. Another of my 2007 resolutions is to become
more compassionate and supportive of others.
If you’re truly interested in becoming more interpersonally competent, I suggest you
read both of Mr. Sanders’ books, Love Is the Killer App, and The Likeability Factor, and Mr.
Gitomer’s Little Black Book of Connections. I’ve not done justice to the wisdom in these books
in this brief round-up.
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Relationship Building
I love the internet. By following links, you can find some of the most interesting infor-
mation. Yesterday I was doing that just and came across a site run by the Alberta, Canada
Government entitled “Financial Careers in the Alberta Public Service.” No disrespect, but
this is not the type of site that I typically bookmark.
Nevertheless, the site had some great information on a subject closely related to inter-
personal competence: relationship building. The site had a competency model on relation-
ship building. I really like it.
To begin, relationship building is described as: developing and maintaining win/win
relationships and partnerships. Following this, there were four levels of relationship building:
1. The ability to establish formal working relationships.
2. The ability to build informal working relationships.
3. The ability to develop win/win relationships.
4. The ability to maintain and use a wide circle of contacts.
Each of these was further defined.
• Formal working relationships. Builds relationships with clients, stakeholders
and organizational members, by following through on commitments, respecting
confidentiality, and demonstrating an interest in their work-related issues and
activities.
• Informal working relationships. Makes a conscious effort to have informal or
casual contacts with clients, stakeholders and organizational members. Shows
an interest in their issues and activities that goes beyond the workplace.
• Win/win relationships. Actively seeks opportunities to contribute to positive
outcomes for clients, stakeholders, and organizational members. Approaches
issues or disagreements with the objective of reaching win/win solutions.
• Wide circle of contacts. Develops formal and informal relationships with a
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wide circle of people, beyond those involved in current activities, including

potential clients, stakeholders and information links. Nurtures existing and
potential relationships to help achieve the department's strategic plans.
While this is in competency-model speak, there are some great ideas about interpersonal
competence here. I’d like to highlight a few:
• Following through on commitments
• Respecting confidentiality
• Demonstrating an interest in work-related issues and activities
• Informal or casual contact with others
• Showing an interest in other’s issues and activities
• Seeking opportunities to contribute positive outcomes
• Approaching issues with the objective of reaching win/win solutions
• Developing formal and informal networks of diverse people
• Nurturing existing and potential relationships
These nine bullets are descriptive of interpersonal competence. I’d like to add a tenth:
• Giving credit where credit is due
That’s why I began this piece by mentioning the Financial Careers in the Alberta Public
Service site.
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The Secret to Resolving
Conflict Positively
No matter how interpersonally competent you are, you will inevitably find yourself in a
conflict situation that threatens the relationships that you have built. Interpersonally compe-
tent people know how to deal with and resolve conflict in a positive, productive manner.
I read a lot. My reading often yields some real nuggets that I have used over and over
again to help me grow and succeed. I return to some books over and over again for advice
and inspiration. Getting to Yes is one of those books. I first read it in 1981 when I was a stu-
dent at Harvard taking a course in labor relations.
Getting to Yes is supposedly a book on negotiation. However, I think the ideas in it have
much broader applicability. I have given this book to at least 25 of my coaching clients over
the years.
I bring up Getting to Yes in this segment because of one specific idea on interpersonal
competence. I love this idea because it is simple but profound. And because it encourages
you to do exactly the opposite of what most of us do when we find ourselves in a conflict
situation. Here it is:
When you find yourself in conflict with another person, focus on where
you agree, not on where you disagree.
Our natural reaction when we are in conflict with another individual is to dig in our
heels and attempt to convince the other person to see and accept our side of things. By so
doing, we naturally focus on where we are in disagreement. You say black, I say white, etc.,
etc., etc.
However, if you turn around this way of dealing with conflict, you’ll find that you will
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not only resolve differences more quickly and fairly, but also, you will build stronger rela-
tionships.
Here’s a concrete example of what I’m talking about. A few years ago the NHL (National
Hockey League, the professional hockey league in North America) missed an entire season.
The collective bargaining agreement had expired, and the owners and players could not
agree on a new one. The main issue was the imposition of a salary cap—a maximum
amount of money any given team could spend on its player payroll. The owners insisted
that they needed a salary cap to be able to be profitable. The players insisted that a salary
cap would unfairly impinge on their ability to be paid at market value for their services.
The old season ended with no agreement. Both sides met over the summer and could
not reach an agreement. As autumn began, there was still not an agreement, so the first part
of the season was canceled. Finally, as an agreement could not be reached, the owners
announced that there would be no season.
Both sides lost here. The owners lost all of the ticket sales, parking and concession
revenue. The players had no salary for an entire season.
The irony is that during the negotiations, both sides had identified the critical points on
which they agreed and on which they could have built an agreement. Through the entire
ordeal, both the owners and players said “we just want to do what is best for the game,” and
“we want to do what’s best for our fans.” Both sides were in agreement on these two points.
However, they acted in a manner exactly the opposite of what they said. Missing an entire
season was not in the best interests of the game (the NHL lost a contract with ESPN, and is
now televised on the Outdoor Life Network—which has since changed its name to Versus),
and it certainly wasn’t in the interest of the fans, the people who support the game. They
didn’t get to see hockey for an entire year.
Had both sides focused on these points of agreement, I’m sure they would have found a
way to resolve their differences. By focusing on the main point of disagreement, and digging
in their heels, both sides created a situation in which everybody lost money and the support
of many loyal fans.
The common sense point here is that the next time you find yourself in conflict with
another person, take the time to identify where you agree and work on creating a solution
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from there. When you are buying a car and find one you want, focus on the fact that you
want the car and the salesperson wants to sell it to you. You’ll find that it will be easier to
work out differences in price.
When you are in conflict with a co-worker, focus on where you agree. In most cases,
you will both agree that you want to do what’s best for the business. Even if you begin from
this slight point of agreement, you’ll find that you’ll be able to resolve your conflict and
build a solution together, much more easily than if you focus on where you disagree with
him or her.
Try it—look for points where you agree with a person with whom you are in conflict.
Use these points to reach an agreement on how you will proceed. It works because it’s com-
mon sense.
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“True success is making the world a better place while appreciating the
journey along the way.” - Kim Polese

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Know Yourself
Recently, I came across a great web site, www.selfcreation.org. I particularly liked an
article on the site about self-awareness. Self-awareness is one of the building blocks of inter-
personal competence, so I thought I’d include a slightly edited version of the article here.
Awareness is the first step in becoming interpersonally competent. As you grow in self-
awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel, and why you behave as
you behave. That understanding gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those
things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully know-
ing who you are, self-acceptance and interpersonal competence become impossible.
Having clarity about who you are, what you want, and why you want it, empowers you
to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you’ll continue to get
caught up in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs, allowing unknown thought
processes to determine your feelings and actions.
Not understanding why you do what you do and feel what you feel, is like going
through your life with a stranger’s mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if
you don’t understand why you want what you want? It’s a difficult and chaotic way to live
never knowing what this stranger in your body and mind is going to do next.
When we want good information, we turn to the experts. So, who are you going to
turn to for information about yourself? Who’s the expert? You are.
No friend, therapist, minister, hero, spouse, or parent knows more about you than you.
They can’t. You live in your skin and mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
Day in and day out. No one’s closer to you than you! The answers are there inside you.
The common sense point here is simple. Self-awareness leads to interpersonal competence.
Introspection leads to self-awareness. Take the time to understand yourself. This will help
you understand others better—and make it easier for you to build strong, lasting relation-
ships with them.
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As the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, said, “Knowing others is wisdom, know-
ing yourself is enlightenment.”
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Interpersonally Competent
People Serve Others
I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of Peggy McColl. Peggy is the best-selling
author of On Being…The Creator of Your Destiny. After we spoke, I logged on to Peggy’s website,
www.destinies.com. I came across a great article there called, How Will I Serve? I read the
article and said to myself, “I need to post this on my blog tomorrow.”
Here is an excerpt of Peggy’s thoughts on service. You can read the entire article by
going to her website.
Peggy was a guest on a business talk radio show, along with Seth Godin, well-known
marketing guru. She liked what he had to say about service and helping people.
“One of the key messages I heard from Seth was that ‘the most success-
ful people are the ones who interact with people because they want to help
them. These people live their lives always giving, without an expectation of
receiving something in return.’
I believe and fully support Seth’s message. Giving is one of the most, if
not the most important message you will ever hear. Too many people go
about their lives, expecting other people to bring things to them, and when
they don’t have their needs fulfilled by another, they become disappointed
and disillusioned.
Success comes as a result of bringing something of value to another—
serving them in a way that is enlightening, empowering and expanding . . .
If you want to be successful, then cause another to be successful.
Serving another includes being loving toward yourself. Serving another
is not about serving another in a way that will leave you less. Serving equals
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greater expansion for the receiver and the giver.

Put the question, HOW WILL I SERVE? on your desk, or mirror, or
somewhere you will see it everyday. Ask yourself this question and then act
on it. Look for ways to serve your spouse/partner, your business associates,
your employees, your employer, your customers, your community, your
children, friends and even strangers. Live with the daily mantra of ‘How
Will I Serve?’ and then watch your life transform.”
In this article, Peggy McColl has hit on one of the keys to interpersonal competence—
be willing to give to others first. In The Little Black Book of Connections, Jeffrey Gitomer says,
“be friendly first, and everything else falls into place.”
The common sense point here? Take the initiative to build strong relationships with the
people in your life—much like Andy Fiffick, who I’ve mentioned in another snippet, does—
and you will become known as an interpersonally competent person, one who people like,
respect and with whom they want to work.
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More on Conflict Resolution
I’d like to spend some time talking about conflict and how to resolve it constructively.
Interpersonally competent people use conflict as an opportunity to build stronger relationships
and to develop creative solutions to problems and issues.
To do this, you need to treat conflict as a learning opportunity. When you come right
down to it, conflict is just a difference of opinion. And differences of opinion have the
opportunity to create something new and interesting—if you work at it. Take the initiative
to address and resolve conflict. Don’t wait for the other person to do so.
Take a deep breath when you get into a conflict situation. Don’t blow up. Present your
side of things in a measured tone of voice. Be responsible for yourself. No one can “make
you angry.” No matter what they do, you can always choose to act in a civil, forthright, con-
structive manner. Take responsibility for your feelings when you are in a conflict situation.
Don’t blame others if you are unhappy, frustrated or angry.
Realize that the other person’s point of view is as valid to him or her as yours is to you.
Listen to the other person. Demonstrate your understanding of his or her points of view. Ask
questions if you don’t understand, repeat your understanding to make sure you got it right.
Look for places where you agree with the other person. Highlight these points of agree-
ment, and downplay the points where you disagree. By doing this, you’ll be starting the conflict
resolution process from a better point. By focusing on the areas in which you agree, you’ll be
better able to build the necessary rapport for developing a creative solution to your differences,
and for strengthening your relationship with the person with whom you are in conflict.
Work hard to settle disputes and resolve differences quickly and equitably. Don’t let
them drag on. Engage the other person in conversation. Focus on finding a solution that
benefits both of you. Be a consensus builder. Be willing to give a little to get a little.
Conflict is never fun, but it can lead to creative solutions to problems and stronger rela-
tionships in the long run. Do what you can to become a conflict problem-solver.
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The No A**hole Rule
One of the more provocatively titled books I’ve come across recently is called, The No
A**hole Rule, by Robert Sutton, a Stanford professor. Dr. Sutton actually spells out the word
I’ve left to your imagination. Pretty racy title for a Stanford professor, but Dr. Sutton says he
chose it to be provocative in order to “spur corporate America to stamp out boorish behavior
that reduces productivity, drives away talented workers and ruins morale.” Besides that, in
my opinion, a**holes are the exact opposite of interpersonally competent people. And inter-
personal competence is a key to success in life and your career.
Dr. Sutton defines an a**hole as someone who “oppresses, humiliates, de-energizes or
belittles a subordinate or colleague.” He lists a dirty dozen actions common to them:
1. Personal insults
2. Invading another’s personal space
3. Uninvited personal contact
4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal
5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used to deliver insults
6. Withering email flames
7. Status slaps intended to humiliate another person
8. Public shaming or status degradation rituals
9. Rude interruptions
10. Two-faced attacks
11. Dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible
Clearly, these are all things to avoid. However, my friend Paulette Ensign always
reminds me that it’s always more helpful to tell someone what to do, than what not to do.
In keeping with Paulette’s excellent advice, here is my take on Dr. Sutton’s dirty dozen.
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1. Keep conversation focused on the problem or topic under discussion, not the
people involved.
2. Be aware of other people’s personal space. Maintain an appropriate distance.
3. Keep work relationships, work relationships. Don’t assume that your work
colleagues want to be your friend outside work.
4. Explain the consequences that come with a certain behavior in a non-
threatening manner.
5. Use humor for humor’s sake, or to relieve tension—not to hurt or insult
another person.
6. If you’re upset, call or speak to the other person, don’t send an email. Avoid
copying others on an email where you are providing negative feedback. Don’t
use the bcc function as a means of sending a message about someone to
another person. Never respond to an email when you’re angry.
7. Treat all people with the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings.
8. Ban all hazing rituals in your workplace. If you are not in a position to ban
such activities, choose to not participate in them.
9. Listen to people in an attempt to understand what they are saying. Don’t
interrupt or speak until you are sure they are finished speaking.
10. Be forthright. If you don’t like something that someone has done, tell him or
her—not other people.
11. Keep a neutral or pleasant look on your face. Avoid trying to intimidate others
by your expression.
12. Acknowledge others. Say hello, look them in the eye. Treat everyone you
encounter with dignity and respect.
Dr. Sutton is writing for leaders. He suggests some ideas for implementing a no a**hole
rule in your organization. He also presents some ideas on how to survive in a toxic work
atmosphere. And, as Dr. Sutton points out, all of us are probably a little bit guilty of being
an a**hole on occasion. However, by becoming aware of our actions we can stamp out
inappropriate behavior and become interpersonally competent people. And, as I always
remind myself and those I coach, interpersonal competence is a key to career and life success.
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Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict
The ability to resolve conflict in a positive manner is one of the keys to interpersonal
competence and career and life success. The other day, I came across a book called, The Top
Performer’s Guide to Conflict, by Tim Ursiny and Dave Bolz. I like this book. I think it has
some important things to say about how to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.
I like the way The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict is organized. Each chapter includes
real-life conflict stories taken from the authors’ experience, as well as a Coaching and
Application section—exercises to help the reader apply the lessons of the chapter.
Chapter One lists four key things that successful people know about conflict:
1. Conflict is inevitable.
2. Avoiding conflict leads to decreased productivity.
3. Negative conflict is costly.
4. Positive conflict leads to top performance and success.
Chapter Eight lays out the authors’ “GROWS” model of conflict resolution:
• Gather: Use questions to determine the source of the conflict and to develop a
complete understanding of the other person’s perspective and points.
• Reflect: Reflect on the other person’s perspective and points. Clarify your
understanding of them. Verbalize your desire to resolve the conflict.
• Own: Take responsibility for your contribution to the conflict situation.
• Want: Tell the other person what you want and need in this situation.
• Strategies: Jointly brainstorm win/win solutions. Ask questions like: How can
we both get what we want here? What new approaches can we try that help
satisfy both of our needs? How can we think about this situation differently to
create the best result for both of us?
I like the GROWS model, because it focuses on one of the most important things I have
learned about resolving conflict: focus on places where you are in agreement with the other
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person in order to build a creative solution to your differences.

The common sense point here is simple. As Mssrs. Ursiny and Bolz point out, conflict
is inevitable; the negativity that surrounds it is not. Learn to deal with conflict constructively,
and you’ll be on your way to success in your life and career.
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Assertiveness
Frontier flight 862, Denver to Phoenix; I get on late because I’m on standby trying to
get an earlier flight. I have a middle seat, 14 B. When I arrive at row 14 there are two
women sitting in seats A and C. I say hello, stow my bags and get into my seat.
The woman in 14 A, Cheryl Munsey, smiles at me, looks at the book I have in my
hand, and says, “that looks like an interesting book.” I’m re-reading Suzi Pomerantz’ book,
Seal the Deal. We chat a minute about the book and then lapse into some general conversation.
Cheryl is an associate for Isagenix, a health and nutrition company. She is on her way
to Phoenix to participate in a four-day, train the trainer program. She is one of only 100
people in her company chosen to participate in this event.
As it turns out, Cheryl and I know a few people in common. And, she’s very personable.
We chat the whole time the plane is taxiing, and through take-off.
As soon as the plane is in the air, the woman in 14 C rings the flight attendant call button.
The flight attendant comes on the loudspeaker and says, “We are still in our ascent, will the
person who rang his or her call button turn it off until we reach our cruising altitude; leave
it on, if it’s a real emergency.
Ms. 14 C leaves the light on. I’m worried that she might be ill. The flight attendant
struggles down the aisle. When she arrives at our row, Ms. 14 C says, “I need a pair of
headphones, these people are talking too much and driving me crazy.” As she is saying
this, she is removing ear plugs.
I feel bad about this—although I tend to speak softly in crowded enclosed places like
airplanes—and was surprised that our conversation was annoying her, especially since she
was wearing ear plugs. I say to Ms. 14 C, “I apologize if we were annoying you. I didn’t
realize we were speaking so loudly.” She says, “I was trying to sleep,” and puts on the
headphones that the flight attendant gave her.
Thirty seconds later, she rings the call button again. When the flight attendant comes
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back, she says, “I need another pair, these aren’t drowning out these people.” I thought this
was kind of peculiar, as Cheryl and I were stunned and really hadn’t said anything since her
original comment that we were speaking too loudly.
All of this should just go into one of those irritating, bizarre moments in life, and be
forgotten. However, it makes a point about personal responsibility and interpersonal
competence.
The woman in 14 C never told Cheryl and I that we were disturbing her sleep. Instead,
she chose to complain to the flight attendant about our conversation. It came across to both
Cheryl and me as a pretty hostile gesture. We both wondered why she just didn’t ask us to
speak more softly as we were disturbing her sleep; that’s what an interpersonally competent
person would have done. That’s what someone who was taking responsibility for herself and
her needs would have done.
It’s called being assertive. Assertive people stand up for their rights, but do it in such a
way that they do not offend other people. Passive people let others trample on them, and
don’t stand up for their rights. Aggressive people get what they want, but at the expense of
others. In this case, Ms. 14 C was being aggressive—she complained to the flight attendant
about our conversation, without first letting us know that we were making it difficult for her
to sleep.
The common sense point here—the two common sense points actually:
1. Take responsibility for yourself; tell people how you feel. Don’t let others do
things that make your life unpleasant.
2. Stand up for yourself in an assertive, not aggressive way.
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Erin Gruwell and
The movie, Freedom Writers, is the true story of a remarkable teacher, Erin Gruwell, and
teacher, assigned to teach a class of at-risk kids. The racial tension in the LA area was
apparent among the Black, Latino and Asian kids and one lonely and fearful white kid in
her classroom.
job. She succeeded against terrible odds. I hope that after you read these posts, you will see
the movie, and log on to Erin Gruwell’s site, www.freedomwritersfoundation.org, to learn
more about her and the kids she taught.
Empathy—the ability to understand one’s thoughts and feelings without actually expe-
riencing them—is one of the most important keys to interpersonal competence. Early in the
film, Erin Gruwell realized that she had no frame of reference for understanding her student’s
lives. So she concocted a brilliant way to get this understanding.
One morning, when the students arrived for class, the desks were pushed to the sides
of the room, leaving a big open space in the middle of the room. There was a length of red
tape that ran down the center of the open space. She told the students she was going to ask
them some questions. If the students could answer yes to a particular question, they should
move to the center of the room and stand on the tape.
Erin Gruwell began by asking some innocuous questions like, “Who has the latest
album by XXX (a recording star popular at that time whose name escapes me)?” Most of the
students moved to the line. Slowly she began to ratchet up the intensity and importance of
the questions. “Who knows someone who is in a gang?” “Who is in a gang?” This one was
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met with stares of disbelief as school rules prohibited students from being in a gang. Ms.
Gruwell acknowledged this by saying, “OK, stupid question. I take it back.”
Then she asked, “Who knows at least one person who has been killed by gang violence?”
Every student went to the line. “Two people killed by gang violence?” Most of the students
remained on the line. “Three?” A few students left the line, but the majority were still there.
“Four or more?” Several students were still on the line.
This is a powerful scene. For the first time, Erin Gruwell was starting to really “get it.”
She was beginning to understand what it was like for her students outside school. She was
beginning to develop a true sense of empathy for them and their situation.
Erin Gruwell also helped students develop their own sense of empathy. There is a scene
that takes place the morning after a Black student was arrested for murdering an Asian
shopkeeper. The student was innocent. However, he had been identified as the person who
shot the shopkeeper.
One of the students drew a caricature of a black person and passed it as a note to one
of the friends of the unjustly accused student. When she saw what was going on, Erin
Gruwell demanded to see the note. She became incensed, and told her students how carica-
tures of Jewish people that appeared in German newspapers in the early 1930’s were the
beginning of the Holocaust. (As it turned out, none of her students knew what the
Holocaust was, but that’s another story.) She used this juvenile caricature to help her students
understand that demeaning another person or another race in such a way can only lead to
hatred. She helped them develop the beginning of empathy for one another.
By the end of the film, Erin Gruwell’s students had developed a real sense of empathy—
for one another and for the people around them. This stemmed from her willingness to
confront bigotry and hatred in her class, and from her willingness to learn about her students
as people, not just students in a class that she leaves at the end of every day.
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Some of my favorite quotes on
interpersonal competence...
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go
hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough
“If you were to die soon, and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call, and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”
- Stephen Levine
“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will
be too late.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Always think in terms of what the other person wants.” - Brian Tracy
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” - Henry Winkler
“The biggest mistake is believing that there is one right way to listen, to
talk, to have a conversation or a relationship.” - Deborah Tannen
“We control 50% of a relationship. We influence 100% of it.”

- Thinkexist.com
“Truth springs from arguments amongst friends.” - David Hume
“When we think alike, no-one thinks very much.” - Walter Lippmann
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“There are three ways of dealing with difference: domination, compromise

and integration. By domination only one side gets what it wants; by com-
promise neither side gets what it wants; by integration we find a way by
which both sides may get what they wish.” - Mary Parker Follett
“In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships.

The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more
important than tasks, functions, roles and positions.” - Margaret Wheatly
Here is my logic in posting these quotes in this order.

Emily Kimbrough, Stephen Levine, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Brian Tracy all remind
us of our humanness. We human beings are social beings; as such we have the need for
relationships in our lives and our careers. A big part of being human is just “going hand in
hand with others.”
Henry Winkler reminds us of the danger in making assumptions. Making assumptions
about what someone says and over-personalizing as a result of these assumptions is a sure
way to put a relationship into a death spiral.
Deborah Tannen tells us to accept others. People who do things differently from us are
not wrong, they’re just different.
The Thinkexist.com web site makes a great point about relationships. When you take
responsibility for making a relationship work, you are positively influencing it. You can’t
control what other people do, but you can control your response to their behavior and
adjust your behavior to be more influential with them.
David Hume and Walter Lippmann point out that conflict, in and of itself, is not bad.
In fact it can be helpful. Creative decisions are often a result of two people taking the time
to work out their differences of opinion.
Mary Parker Follett builds on what David Hume and Walter Lippmann have to say. She
shows how two people can resolve differences. She advises us to actively look for ways to
find a solution in which both sides get what they want.
Finally, Margaret Wheatly reminds us of the power of relationships; that strong relationships
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are a great way to become a career and life success.

• Build strong relationships with the important people in your life: your family,
friends, colleagues, customers—any one with whom you interact regularly.
• Be kind to these people—and all the people you meet.
• Never assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling.
• Choose to learn from people who are different than you.
• Use conflict as an opportunity to come to better decisions.
• Realize that in the end, interpersonal competence is all about relationships.
If you put these common sense ideas into play, you’ll become an interpersonally com-
petent person.
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Final Thoughts on
Interpersonal competence is the final point on the career star model. In the end, you
can have great self-confidence, make great initial personal impact, be a tremendous per-
former and have great communication skills; but if people don’t like you, you will have a
very difficult time becoming a star in your life and career. It’s a simple fact of life. People
like to be around other people that they like. Most people like other people who are inter-
personally competent.
Here are my thoughts on what it takes to become interpersonally competent.
Interpersonal competence will help you pull everything together and allow you to become
the career and life success and star you are meant to be.
1. Be introspective. Understand yourself. Figure out what makes you tick. Do
things and put yourself in situations where you are most likely to be successful.
2. Use your self-knowledge to gain insight into other people. Use this insight to
build strong, lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with them.
Communicate with them in the way that is most likely to appeal to them and
to get them to want to work with you. This isn’t being manipulative; it’s
showing other people that you are willing to meet them more than half-way.
3. Build and nurture solid relationships with all the people in your life. Solid
relationships are:
a. Based in truth, trust and respect.
b. Focused by a joint purpose.
c. Mutually beneficial.
d. Graceful.
4. Work hard at relating to all kinds of people. You’ll often find that the people
H
Star P ow er
318
with whom you have the least in common are the best people to teach you
something new. When someone starts speaking, and you think to yourself
“that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” listen hard—because you’re
probably going to learn something.
5. Don’t invite conflict, but don’t shy away from it either. Conflict can create real
problems, or it can be the catalyst for incredible creativity.
6. Resolve conflict positively using these steps:
a. Agree on the real issue.
b. Determine why this issue is a problem and you need to resolve it.
c. Jointly come up with several possible solutions.
d. Jointly, choose the best one. Be willing to compromise.
e. Agree on what each of you will do to implement the solution.
f. Bring some closure to the situation by shaking hands and saying “thanks.”
g. Follow through on your commitments.
H
IN C ONCLUSIO N
319
Chapter 8
In Conclusion
In this book, I’ve attempted to do two things:
1. Introduce you to a common sense model for becoming a success in your life
and career.
2. Make the model come alive, by sharing interesting bits of information that
relate to it in the form of snippets.
I hope I have succeeded in doing both.
I really believe that anyone can become a career and life star. All it takes is an under-
standing of the Star Power model and the willingness to put the elements of the model to
work.
I feel as if I have done my work. Now it’s up to you. Star Power is a book meant to be
used. I would be really complimented if your copy is dog-eared, highlighted, underlined
and filled with post-it notes. That means you’re working the model, not just reading about it.
In the early pages of this book, I told you the story of the “Knowing’s Not Enough”
pencils that my Dad would bring home from work occasionally. I used this story to challenge
you to put the ideas in this book to work—even before you read them.
If you’ve gotten this far, I’m assuming you’ve read a lot of this book. Hopefully, you
now have some knowledge that you didn’t have when you started reading. But, like the
pencils said, “Knowing’s Not Enough.” You have to put this knowledge to work if it is going
to be of any use to you.
I challenge you to do one thing everyday that will move you closer to success in your
career and life. I challenge you to become a star in your chosen field.
H
Star P ow er
320
Armed with the information in this book, I know that you can do it. It’s just a matter of
using your newfound knowledge.
Good luck in becoming the career and life star that you are meant to be.
H
IN C ONCLUSIO N
321
“Who do you think you are?

A Superstar?
Well right you are …
And we all shine on, and on, and on.
We all shine on
and on and on and on …”
– John Lennon
H
Star
Power
Common Sense Ideas
875 S. Colorado Blvd., #773 • Denver, CO 80246 • 303.393.0446

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Pe

Supervisory Leadership and the New Factory

Using Values to Turn Vision into Reality

Four Secrets of High Performance Organizations

Leading With Values

Fixing Performance Problems: Common Sense Ideas That Work

Using Values to Turn Vision Into Reality

4 Secrets of High Performing Organizations

“Simple but powerful concepts.”

Supervisory Leadership and the New Factory

“This book is must reading for anyone interested in managing an effective

Snippet 20: Be Hardy............................................................................................. 70

Chapter 4 H Personal Impact.....................................................................87

Snippet 23: Erin Gruwell and Personal Impact.................................................... 139

Chapter 5 H Outstanding Performance....................................................147

Chapter 6 H Communications Skills............................................................201

Chapter 7 H Interpersonal Competence...................................................261

Snippet 2: A Birthday Wish – and Interpersonal Competence............................. 264

Part 1: The Basics

who will find Garcia for you, if anybody can.’

Five Pillars to Success

I agree. I am an optimist. I admit that sometimes it is difficult being optimistic,

Here are my four easy steps for dealing with fear:

you’ll be ready to get right to work in the morning.

the old saying, “lions don’t need to roar.”

2. Interpersonally competent people build solid, long-lasting, mutually beneficial

• What do I dislike about my work?

• Choose the best idea—be willing to compromise.

Part 2: The Pillars Explained

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Always take the Time to Prepare

Visualize Another Reality

Questions to ask yourself:

To me, the dichotomies in this quote—arrogance and humility—capture the essence of

“One can be deceived by three types of laziness:

Questions to ask yourself:

Self-confidence Snippet 10:

Self-confidence Snippet 11:

The article concludes with these points:

Self-confidence Snippet 12:

• To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

Self-confidence Snippet 13:

Questions to ask yourself:

Self-confidence Snippet 14:

Self-confidence Snippet 15:

Self-confidence Snippet 16:

“Serena Williams answered her critics with an overpowering victory at the

Self-confidence Snippet 17:

Self-confidence Snippet 18:

Self-confidence Snippet 19:

Self-confidence Snippet 20:

Self-confidence Snippet 21:

Facing the Enemies Within by Jim Rohn

Self-confidence Snippet 22:

Ron White on Self-confidence

Self-confidence Snippet 23:

Self-confidence Snippet 24:

Self-confidence Snippet 25:

“Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you

“Self-confidence is one important key to success. Preparation is an impor-

Self-confidence Snippet 26:

critical of you. They are self-confidence killers.