PLAYING POTTER

Written by Harry J. Chong

harryjchong@gmail.com

EXT. PARK - DAY Three young girls by a tree are playing Harry Potter. They are using branches to act as wands. Their names are: ABBEY, BECKY, and, lets say, CANDY. The three of them are pointing their wands at each other, and making pew-pew-pew! noises with their mouths. Enter Jessie, who wanders in. Everyone pauses and looks at her, as if she is not wanted there. JESSIE Aloha, everyone. What are you all doing? Looks fun. ABBEY Em, were playing Harry Potter. JESSIE Can I join? ABBEY Uh -BECKY Sure, of course you can join. JESSIE Great. Jessie takes a step forward. Candy puts out her hand. CANDY BUT we each have a role. JESSIE Okay. CANDY Im Ron Weasley. BECKY Im Hermione Granger. ABBEY And Im Harry Potter. Before he went mental and started showing his cock off to everyone. JESSIE Right. So, who can I play?

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Abbey, Becky, and Candy think. One of them is tapping their chin. JESSIE (CONTD) Well? ABBEY Hold on. We need a second. (to the others) Group huddle! The trio, which DOESNT include Jessie, get into a huddle for some privacy. They murmur and whisper, and then after a moment break themselves up. BECKY Okay, weve decided -CANDY You can play Peeves. JESSIE Peeves? ABBEY You know, the ghost? JESSIE I know who he is. I dont want to be Peeves. BECKY You have to. JESSIE Who says? CANDY We need a bad guy. If you dont play Peeves, then its going to be really boring. You cant have a story with all good people. JESSIE Cant I play someone cooler then? How about Draco Malfoy or Voldemort? ABBEY Sorry, we cant allow that. JESSIE Why not?

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ABBEY Youre a girl. Draco and Voldemort are guys. It wouldnt make sense. JESSIE Peeves is a boy. CANDY Yes, but hes transgendered. That means he has the best of both worlds. JESSIE You cant be serious. Next youre going to tell me that Dumbledore is gay. BECKY Hes totally gay. He is the gayest of the gays. Even gayer than Harry Potter himself. ABBEY Harry Potter is not gay. JESSIE Anyway, can I pick someone else besides Peeves? CANDY No. No means no. JESSIE How about Lavender Brown? Shes a pretty bad character. CANDY But shes not an enemy of the trio. Lavender Brown is an ancillary character introduced into the story to both provide humour, and mislead readers, so as to create doubt about whether or not Ron and Hermione will romantically get together. BECKY And shes fat. Youre not fat at all. JESSIE Oh, thank you.

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BECKY Yeah, you just have an oddly shaped head, which creates the illusion of fatness. JESSIE (disappointed) Oh. Okay. ABBEY So, are you ready to play Peeves? JESSIE Im not playing Peeves. I want to be a character with a wand. CANDY You can still play Peeves and use a wand. Heh. Were not on an actual movie set. Literary accuracy is not required. JESSIE Wait a minute. You told me I couldnt play Draco or Voldemort because theyre boys. BECKY Go on. JESSIE Well, isnt Ron Weasley a boy? ABBEY Yes, Jessie, and I get what youre saying. But keep in mind in order to play Harry Potter you have to complete the trio. It was a hard decision to make. We only did it because we had no other choice. JESSIE Then let me be Ron Weasley. Ill gladly be Ron. Lets switch. CANDY If you want -BECKY Nope! JESSIE Huh?

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BECKY We cant switch. I am not willing to snog with you. JESSIE What are you talking about? BECKY Both Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have to snog with Hermione Granger. And dont be offended, Jessie, but youre just not my type. JESSIE But we dont have to snog. I dont want to snog. No snogging required. ABBEY Im sorry, Jessie, but were trying to capture a sense of realism here. There is a storyline to follow, you know. JESSIE (sighs) Ah, forget it. Ill go home and play the video game instead. ABBEY Are you sure? We really want you to stay -- as Peeves. JESSIE IM NOT BEING PEEVES AND THATS FINAL! Jessie storms off. Abbey, Becky, and Candy stare for a moment, but then quickly go back to playing Harry Potter. A second later another girl comes by. Her name is DASHA. Dasha waves hello. DASHA Hey, you guys! Whats going? The trio pause to give Dasha their attention. CANDY Hi. Were just playing Harry Potter. Want to join?

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DASHA Sure, who do I get to be? BECKY Peeves. DASHA I dont want to be Peeves. Ill be Lord Voldemort. Hes a pretty cool character, isnt he? ABBEY ...Okay, whatever you want. Dasha does a fist pump. DASHA Yes! CANDY You can get a wand from the tree. Dasha goes up to the tree and pulls off a branch. Then she inspects her wand. She points it outward and shouts. DASHA Avada -JESSIE (O.S.) KEDAVRA! Dasha looks over her shoulder. Out from nowhere (it seems) Jessie comes charging and jumps on her back. Dasha starts panicking and spins around until she is OFF CAMERA. But screaming can be heard. Abbey, Becky, and Candy stop what theyre doing and look in a concerned manner. BECKY Careful now! The grass is wet. JESSIE (O.S.) Eeeeeeeeeeyah! DASHA (O.S.) Help me! Shes hurting me!

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Candy, Becky, and Abbey turn back to each other, and continue on playing as if nothing is happening. FADE OUT.