Do

Unto Others: The Other Golden Rule

by Jane Gilgun

Sadly, there is another golden rule. This one goes, Do unto others what you think others have done to you. This rule relates to the intergenerational cycle of violence, when abused children become abusers. Some do, but most do not. Thats because someone has helped them let go of the hurt and humiliation of abuse and replace it with self-respect and respect for others. They dont try to erase the humiliation of powerless by abusing their power over others, their power to hurt others. Theres a more wide-spread kind of cycle of hurt that we really need to talk about. This is the cycle that results when people who have been ill-treated then treat others as they have been treated. When we do this, we usually arent aware of what we are doing. We are not fully aware of the pleasure we take at treating others as we have been treated. We felt humiliated and now we have a chance to feel the pleasure of humiliating someone else. This is oppressors becoming the oppressed, an observation that Paulo Friere made many years ago. An example is an 8 year-old girl who teases her younger brother about his speech difficulties. Say peanut butter, Billy, Mia says. Pee bobo butter, Billy says. Mia laughs. Billy feels awful. Mia enjoys herself. She feels powerful. Mias mother says, Dont do that, Mia. That hurts Billy. Mia thinks, yes, it does. I didnt think about that. Mia never teases Billy again. She realizes what she has been doing. Mia had told her mother that her old brother Richie teases her all the time about everything. You throw like a girl. Mia four eyes because Mia wore glasses. Youre the smartest kid in the dumb room. Mias mother said, Ignore him. She never told Richie to stop. Mia was humiliated and felt she did not count. She hurt so much she thought her body would shatter to pieces.

wo thousand years ago a sage said, Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The rest is commentary. Indeed. If we treated others as we want to be treated, we would have a world where people become their best selves.

Mia wondered why Richie gets away with teasing her but she didnt get away with teasing Billy. When her mother pulled her up short, she realized immediately what she was doing. She wanted to stop. She didnt want to hurt Billy as Richies actions had hurt her. She had become aware in a conscious way of what she had been doing to Billy. Mike, a 27 year-old physics PhD student, had a professor who bossed him around in a mean tone of voice. Do this. Do that. Hurry up. Get it done. Mike was in charge of the professors lab. Sandy, an undergraduate student started to work in the lab. On the first day, Mike bossed Sandy around, just the way the professor had bossed him around. Mike took pleasure at being the boss at last. Sandy looked at him with hurt eyes and said, Dont speak to me like that. Mike realized what he had been doing. He felt a pang of shame and apologized. He treated Sandy with respect after that. Sandy never seemed to trust him. Mike realized hed have to accept that. Joel was ten when an older boy led him into the woods, pulled his pants down, and sucked on his penis. Joel was shocked. He didnt know what to do. He was afraid to tell his parents. He thought he might get in trouble. He remembered the time three years before when he told the principal that his mother beats him. Joel didnt know it, but the principal and his mother had known each other all their lives. They grew up together in the small town where they both still lived. When Joel got home from school that day, his mother beat him. She said the principal had called and said that Joel had said she beat him. His mother told him never to tell anyone family business. Joel wanted to tell someone about what the older boy had done to him, but he was afraid. He began to touch his penis and found out how good it felt. Soon he was masturbating whenever he felt bad. Masturbation made him feel good for a while. One day, he saw a girl walking down a country road. He was on his bike. He stopped to talk to her. Without warning, he grabbed the girls breast and crotch. As he did that, he felt of rush of pleasure. Then he rode away. The police came to his house and took him to the police station. A giant of a policeman talked to him in an interview room. The man was gentle and kind. Joel wanted to tell him everything. He did. He started with, I did to that girl what someone did to me. I wanted someone else to feel as bad as I did. That made me feel good. Discussion I know of many other examples of this other golden rule of doing to others what others have done to you. I hope that more people start thinking about whether they treat other people badly and get pleasure from it. We seem to do it without realizing it. We will feel better about ourselves if we make ourselves aware of what we are doing. We will also be doing just a little bit to make the world better for others and for ourselves.

I hope we start to realize what Friere meant when he said the oppressed are in danger of becoming oppressors. We see this all the time in interpersonal relationships and in times of revolution. Its time we stopped. References Friere, Paulo (2006). Pedagogy of the oppressed.: 30th anniversary edition. New York: Continuum. Gilgun, Jane F. (2012). Do unto others: The logic of murderous rampages. http://www.scribd.com/doc/102038842/Do-Unto-Others-The-Logic-of- Murderous-Rampages