XXI.

Ties (fifth of five parts) Richard woke up as the car came to a stop and saw that they were at the gas station. To avoid drawing attention from the few people around, he decided to stay inside the car and go back to sleep. Only he couldn't, especially when he looked at the rearview mirror and found Dawn sleeping at the back seat. She had squished herself near the door, her head leaning on the window and her shawl falling off her shoulders. It was hard not to smile whenever he would see her, but this time, he could only sigh. Of course he was thinking about this scene, too, and he had his worries ---- What would their spouses feel? But more importantly, is Dawn really willing to go for this scene? When they were first told about this, he saw that slight wince that she makes when she's unsure about something. He said they could veto the scene if she wasn't comfortable, but ever the professional bordering on stubborn, she ignored his suggestion, holding his hand a little tighter than usual as if to say, Please tell me that you got my back on this one. Of course he did. But it didn't mean that he could promise to put his feelings on a shelf. Which was exactly what he was afraid of ---- that, in that closeness, he would once again find himself in trouble with his heart. The last time they were in bed together was 20 years ago. Two decades ago, back when she had no reservations about baring skin, when she focused only on the craft... when they were together and she felt safe, knowing that he wouldn't let things slip out of their hands. Two decades ago, when at the start and end of the day, they would lie in bed together: early mornings when he would stare at her face until she woke up, nights when they would have tickle fights or sleepy cuddles, days when either of them was sick and the other took care of things, moments when there seemed to be nothing but the two of them, when they felt like they had escaped the scrutiny, even for a few hours. His thoughts were interrupted when Vivian, who was smoking outside, knocked on the car window and motioned for him to join her. He put on his sunglasses and waved at people and gas boys who did notice.

Sarap ng tulog ng alaga mo sa likod ha, he told Vivian. Alam mo naman 'yan, kahit nakatayo, basta inaantok..." Vivian noticed that far-off look in his eyes. "Okay ka lang?" "Y ... yeah, sure." "Kinakabahan ka?" A nervous laugh escaped him. "Sabi ko naman kasi sa alaga mo, let's veto the scene na lang." Vivian was about to answer when they heard one of the car doors open. "Tara na po?" the driver said. "Yeah, let's go," Richard replied. Vivian reached for his wrist as he was about to open the door for the other front seat. "Goma, du'n ka na sa likod." "Okay na ako dito sa harap, Viv. Para makatulog ka rin." 'yun nga eh. 'Di ako makatulog nang ayos sa likod dahil gumegewang gewang 'yang ka-love team mo! Vivian laughed. Pinasasandal ko sa'kin, ayaw naman. Eh baka biglang mag-preno, tumilapon, kaya binabantayan ko talaga." Sure ka? Yes. And besides, it's your wedding day. Dapat kayo ang magtabi." Vivian winked and opened the door in front before Richard could say anything more. Dawn was leaning on the other side door when he got in. He has always been fascinated with her uncanny ability to sleep through noise and movement, especially in cars. He stayed on his side as the car made its way back on the road, alternately watching her and the view outside. That was until the driver made a sharp turn. Dawn's head bobbed forward, then bumped on the window with a thud.

With that hit, she sat up straight, her eyebrows meeting. "Ano ba 'yun?" she mumbled, her eyes still closed. "Naku, Sir, Ma'am, sorry po," the driver said as he looked at the rear view mirror. Dawn was about to lean on the window again when Richard pulled her to him, her head on his shoulder. "Kaunting ingat naman," he told the driver, trying not to sound as pissed as he felt. The calm came back when he looked at her, still unfazed and comfortable in her sleep. He touched her temple (which hit the window earlier) and found himself relieved that there wasn't any bump. He kissed her hair and was a bit surprised when she inched closer, her hand on his knee, just the way that she used to do. He couldn't help but smile, his worries over the upcoming scene fading slightly, letting him get some rest. The ride was quite long, giving the onscreen partners time to catch a bit of sleep. Halfway through the ride, Vivian woke up and found that the car was caught in a minor traffic build-up. She asked the driver where they were, then turned to check on the two. By then, Dawn was leaning her back on Richard, who had an arm around her shoulder, just above her chest. As the manager looked, he cocked his head a bit nearer to Dawn's, his arm going a bit tighter around her. As the ride wore on, the car finally escaping traffic, Dawn's head would lean slightly to the side and Richard's hand would catch it by sleepy instinct, bringing it back to rest on his shoulder. He would do that, then stroke her face or her hair a little (perhaps out of instinct). That was what woke Dawn up. It took her a few seconds to realize that an arm was around her, a hand touching her elbow. The rise and fall of the chest of the person behind her was familiar. She turned, blinking hard to make sure she was seeing (and smelling his perfume) right ---- that it was Richard sleeping by her side. Her leading man was really knocked out, she thought, a smile forming on her lips. She took in how he looked in the dark and found that the years may have put a little more meat on him, but he still looked the same, if not better. It was still the same face that she woke up to in the middle of the night 20 years ago.

Careful not to wake him up, she moved closer and wrapped an arm around him, resting her cheek on his chest. She could slightly hear his heartbeat that way, and even in sleep, the arm that he held her with looped around her protectively once again. His hand rested on her hair as his lips fell on her temple. There are some things that just won't change, she thought, closing her eyes again. ~~~ Dawn was listless when she woke up that morning, with a lingering urge to look out the window of her apartment. It was a Saturday and she was supposed to be spending it at Richard's place, but they had a huge fight the night before over him punching the assistant director of the movie she was shooting. It was definitely a surprise when she spotted him getting out of the car that afternoon, knowing that he had just arrived from a photoshoot for Bench in Batangas. She ran up to him, excited, but even when he hugged her, she could already sense trouble brewing. She knew that Vivian had told him about Greg, the assistant director who had the shots for her, and when she turned him down, had been bullying her since during production. The manager relied this to Richard after Greg scolded Dawn (with his voice raised) in front of the staff, for "taking too long in make-up." (Everyone knew that it wasn't Dawn's fault. She was on the set early, even earlier than Greg, but only one make-up artist was present that day and there were a few others who had to do scenes before her.) She told herself that he was just tired from his engagements and led him to the set, holding his hand firmly in between hers ---- also for control, in case he came there to cause a scene. But when they approached the director's chair, he pulled his hand away, asking "Direk", with whom he had done a couple of movies with, where he could find Greg. The director said he didn't know (which to Dawn was quite a relief), but then the assistant director showed up from the back door and was walking to their direction. "Ayun pala siya!" the director said. "Greg, si Richard."

"Huh, I'm finally meeting Richard Gomez," the assistant director said, extending his hand. "Nice to ----" Richard's fist fell crisply on Greg's cheek, sending him down the floor. It all happened so fast, and looking back the next morning, Dawn found it funny to realize that Richard's other (and stronger) hand was free. That she was holding the wrong hand and her grip wasn't strong enough. It was a blur to her, but at one moment he was beside her and the next, he had basically wrestled Greg, landing a couple more punches on the guy's face. The make-up artists had held her back from the riot, while the other cast members and the director intervened, pulling Richard away. "Bakit mo naman ginawa 'yon?" Dawn asked him as they were driving home. "At talagang 'yon lang ang ipinunta mo!" Richard, as his usual fuming self, did not answer, which only irritated Dawn more. "You didn't have to do that, nakakahiya." And then, in the intersection where their ways home meet, he took a right instead of going straight. "Hoy, wrong turn," she said, thinking that he was just too mad to realize. He just kept on driving, and she realized that he was taking her to her apartment. True enough, he stopped the car in front of the building where she resided. "What are we doing here? I thought we were spending the night at your place?" "Dito ka na muna," he said softly, one of his hands gripping the steering wheel. "Anong 'Dito ka na muna'?!" "I just brought you home, Dawn. Stop being so unnecessarily dramatic." "Unnecessarily dramatic ako?! Sino ba ang sumugod sa set nang may set at nanapak ng assistant director?!"

Silence on his part. "Ikaw pa ang galit?" she asked with that angry smirk. "Bakit, sino bang 'di magagalit doon?!" he finally countered. "Lalandiin ka tapos nu'ng 'di ka niya makuha, babastusin ka in front of the cast?! And you're wondering why this makes me angry?!" "Why do you think I need protecting, Richard? I fended him off, didn't I? Kaya nga ni hawak sa daliri ko, hindi niya nagawa! Kaya ko ang sarili ko!" He gave her a cold stare, his voice lowered once again. "Kaya mo naman pala eh. Bumaba ka na so I can go home. I'll see you." "Alam mo ----- Grrrrr! I'll see you-hin mo 'yang mukha mo!" She reached for the back seat and took her things, struggling to open the door. He just watched and told himself to offer his help only if she yelled for him to do so. But she didn't and soon she was out of the door. Carrying that false bravado the night through, she found herself unable to sleep, try as she might, even when she was exhausted. So that next morning, she finally answered that urge to look out of the window and found his car still parked where she left it. She quickly put on a robe and dashed downstairs and outside. Even from afar, she could tell that he was still asleep. She thought he had driven back there earlier that morning, but when she saw that he was wearing the same clothes that he had on the day before, she realized that he actually spent the night in his car, waiting for her. She knocked and tapped on the car window until he woke up. His eyes were red and he looked a bit pale. He lowered the window. "What are you doing out here?" she asked. "What do you think?" he replied, rubbing his eyes. "Tara, uwi na tayo." "Kailan ka pa nandiyan?" "Kagabi..." He sighed, thinking that she was still mad, and reached for her hand. "Halika nga."

Dawn moved closer to the window and his hand went right on her head, fingers through her hair, pullng her in for a kiss. "I'm sorry about yelling at you last night, Love," he said. "But I won't apologize sa pagsapak sa kumag na 'yon. Wala yatang puwedeng mangapi sa mahal ko." He pressed his forehead on hers and the smile that crept on her lips faded easily, for she could feel that he was hot. She pulled away, her hands going from his forehead to his cheeks to his neck. "Babe, nilalagnat ka, ha? Naku, halika na sa apartment!" "Nandito na tayo eh. Uwi na tayo." "I won't let you drive like that!" She reached for the lock and opened his car door, then pulled him by the hand. "Tara sa taas." She was a bit surprised that he was that easy to persuade (but then she figured that he was sick and would jump off a building if told to do so). He turned the car's engine off, took the keys, then got out of his seat, letting her lead the way. It bothered her that he was malamya, unlike his usual self even in the morning. She opted for the elevator than take the stairs with him. While waiting, he pulled her into a hug and kissed her hair. "Kagigising mo lang?" he asked. "'Di ako nakatulog," she admitted. "Kaya pala." The elevator door opened and they went inside, hand in hand. He pressed '3' and looked at her, only to see that she was already staring at him. Her hands were tight around his. He smiled. "Love?" "Yeah? Nahihilo ka?" "A bit... pero sa may kamay ----" "Ha, anong meron sa kamay mo?" she asked, rubbing it with her thumbs.

"Parang naputol na 'yung circulation ng dugo." She let his hand go as if throwing it aside. "May gana ka pang magbiro eh!" He laughed and pulled her into a side embrace as the elevator door opened. "Hindi ako mawawala," he whispered against her temple. "Hindi ko ikamamatay 'to." He stood behind her as she opened the door to her place and walked in. She threw the keys on the table and told him that she would make soup. "Nag-aalala lang ako dahil hindi ka naman madalas magkasakit. Can you blame me? Of course ----" He had dropped on the floor, right in front of the closed door. Dawn rushed to his side, slapping his cheek, saying "Babe" over and over, completely ignorant to the fact that his eyes were actually moving under his eyelids and he was trying not to smile. She was so concerned about him "fainting" that she was shocked when he playfully surged forward, his hand suddenly on her hair, and kissed her. He saw the fear in her eyes ---- then wider than usual ---- when he pulled away. He knew he had stunned her, when he only meant to stop her from fussing over him so much. He expected her to giggle, to slap him in the arm, saying "Ikaw talaga!" Instead, in a slow way that had him holding his breath, she started crying. At first the tears just pooled in her eyes and fell as she stared at his face. Then he reached for her cheek to wipe the tears and what was when she broke down, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Richard sat up, propped on his elbow, and hugged her, feeling a sudden wash of guilt over his little joke. She was resisting him at first, but it only took a while before she melted into his embrace, but didn't hug him back. "Sorry," he whispered into her hair, pulling her with him as he laid back down. He stroked her hair, her back, hushing a repeated apology. She just cried, and he realized the past two weeks had been difficult, as Vivian had told him, especially with the Greg incident that she had to stand up to on the set.

He tightened his arm around her and looked down at her face as she laid her head on his chest. He moved some strands of her hair that stuck on her face because it was wet with tears, and kissed her forehead. "Tahan na," he whispered. "Hindi ka nakakatuwa ha," she replied, which only made him hug her tighter. "Masyado ka kasing seryoso eh. I'm okay, Love, and I'm here, okay?" "Dahil diyan, susunod ka sa lahat ng sasabihin ko today." "Yes, Ma'am." "Iinom ng gamot, matutulog." "Opo." She sat up. "I have to make soup for you." "Marunong ka?" he teased. "Oo, instant!" They both laughed. He pulled her back into his embrace and kissed her softly. "This is okay," he said. "We're okay." ~~~ After changing into the assigned nightgown, Dawn joined Richard on the side of the room where they were shooting the honeymoon scene, laying a gentle hand on his knee that woke him up. When he saw the look on her face, he reached for that hand and held it tight. The director had wanted them to run through the scene by themselves, as they had been doing on most scenes that were assigned to them. Taking Richard's sleepiness and sweet gesture during the car ride, she decided to take over, even when she didn't know what to do, since he had been in charge of love scenes when they last did it two decades ago.

Dawn sighed. It shouldn't be this difficult, she thought. But oh, it was. That was the thing them and their feelings ---- they both could feel so strongly, too strongly, that things become messy. She was wondering what Richard was thinking about. They were told that they could peruse of the bed to get a little more comfortable. Richard stood up, still holding her hand. "Tara." He knew she was hesitating, and with sleepy patience knelt in front of her. "Look, I wouldn't do anything that would make you punch me in the face, okay?" "Alam ko." And suddenly a bright idea. He stood up, told her to stay still, and went outside, asking the director if they could buy a bottle of wine. "I think I have one sa kotse. Pero Richard, ayoko ng lasing." "No, just to loosen Dawn up nang kaunti. Sobrang kabado eh." He came back to the room a few minutes later, handing her the tumbler. "Inom." "Ano ---- Richard." "Pampa-relax lang," he said as he sat down. "'wag praning, please." She found that the wine was good after two swigs and took three more before handing the tumbler back to Richard, who also took a sip. He placed the tumbler on the nightstand should she need more. He would fall asleep again (she teased that he was getting older, indeed, because he could sleep as deeply as she does). She laid a gentle hand on his knee. "Goms?" He opened his eyes and smiled. "How do we do this?" "Definitely not like 20 years ago," he said, laughing.

"I know," she said back with a slight smile. As he was pulling her into a hug, the director and Vivian showed up. "Nag-rehearse na kayo?" the manager teased. "Pa-rehearse pa lang," Richard countered, giving Dawn a wink. The director said they were shooting the clip by the window, where they had lines ---- the only part of the whole scene that Dawn admitted to be comfortable with, even if they had to kiss. When the camera started rolling, Dawn was surprised that Richard remembered his lines. She held her breath as she turned to face him and was glad to see that he looked awake to throw the last line of the scene. "Mahal kita," he said, smiling, his eyes fixed on hers. "Hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggan." Her hands on his shoulders, his framing her face, tucking strands of her hair that were flying because of the air outside, she was the one who leaned forward more for the kiss. The director waited another second before yelling "Cut!", testing if they were going to pull away. Neither of them did. He smiled and kissed her nose right after, holding her hand as they were instructed to sit down for that clip where he would kiss the side of her neck. He pulled her close as they sat on the edge of the bed, a hand on her waist. "This okay?" "Yeah." "I'll just kiss you, once on the neck, then once on the shoulder." He turned to the director. "Right?" "Dawn, is it okay if he lowers the strap of the nightgown?" "Sure," Dawn replied. "Basta Goms, 'wag masyadong mababa." He handed her the tumbler and told her to take a deep breath before the director called "Action!" once more. She closed her eyes as he lowered the strap. The kiss he planted on her neck fell with a slight sound and she

almost smiled. He trailed a couple of kisses on the exposed skin on her back, then sat up as the director said "Good." He gave her a little hug, resting his chin on his shoulder with his eyes closed. "Goms, 'wag ka munang matulog," she said. "One minute." She turned to the people in the room. "Antok na antok na, oh." The director stood up, tapping Richard on the arm. "Shirtless na." That made him bolt up a bit. "'Di ba puwedeng may shirt na all throughout?" he asked as he took his shirt off. He caught Dawn smiling, that mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Go ahead, alam ko na naman 'yang sasabihin mo eh." She stood up and hugged him. "Ang taba mo na, Goms!" she replied, bursting into bungisngis. He turned to the crew, who all laughed. "Narinig n'yo 'yon? Kaya walang shot sa tiyan ha?" ~~~ After shooting their (supposedly) last onscreen kiss, Dawn went into the bathroom to change into a nude tube top and leggings. Richard had apparently told Vivian the last time that he preferred Dawn to be covered from the chest down, just so she could feel safer. She came back wrapped in a robe and found her leading man ---- shirtless, wearing just a checked pajama bottom ---- sprawled on the bed, sleeping. The few crew members allowed inside the room were adjusting the lights for the final cut of the scene, the director catnapping on the side. She laid down, her back turned to him. Just a few minutes, she told herself. It shouldn't be difficult; you've done more daring scenes before. She took a deep breath, and just as she whispered, "It's going to be fine,"

she felt his arm slide across her waist. "Richard," she said in warning. And then, just like 20 years ago, he mumbled, "Tulog na," moving even closer that she slightly feel his chest rise and fall and hear his breathing. It brought her back to the many nights she spent lying awake beside him ---- often when they had just fought, but also at random times, especially during their first few months of living together, wondering how she ended up in bed and utterly in love with this man. She remembered how she loved hearing him say that, "Tulog na," as if he recognized her even in his sleep. She turned around carefully and traced the bridge of his nose. "Alam mo, pogi ka pa rin talaga," she whispered. "Thank you," he said back, opening his eyes. "Are you okay?" She smiled in response, no longer minding the way his arm lazily, effortlessly, stayed on her waist. ~~~ "Gising na kayo," they heard Vivian say after a few minutes. The room fell into silence, the lights were back on, the director sitting by the monitor. "Ready na tayo for the last clip, ha?" they were told. "Kayo na'ng dalawa ang bahala." "Rolling na?" Richard asked and the director nodded. Richard propped himself up on an elbow and was a bit startled when Dawn actually pulled him to her for an embrace. She left a small kiss on his cheek, her simple way of giving her consent and trust to him. Because, really, at this point she knew he wouldn't let her down. He pulled away, taking her hand and resting it with his on the pillow, right beside her face. She watched as his nose trailed on her wrist before he planted a kiss on the base of her hand. He looked at her and they both smiled,

"What now?" he whispered. "Hands," she replied, stretching her right arm on the comforter. He reached for it and wound his fingers in the spaces between hers. They stared at one another for a moment, then she nodded slightly. He moved on top of her and bent down to kiss her nose. "Okay?" "Yeah." He lowered his face, really close to her lips. "Go ahead," she said. She kissed him back when his lips fell on hers, a deep breath coming from him. From there, he bent to kiss her neck, on his favorite spot (the left side, just where her pulse could be felt), and she stretched up a bit for effect. He buried his face for a moment, then she felt his lips on her ear. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you this." She was about to ask what he meant, but the director called their attention. They needed "something to imply na may climax," they were told. Dawn turned to Richard, who took her hand. "Sa kamay na lang, direk," he answered, then looked at her. "We'll hug and I'll grip your hand. Just answer that grip." She nodded and felt his body fall on hers once again, his cheek resting on hers. He kissed her shoulder, then whispered, "Go." Their hands intertwined, him on top of her, Dawn felt close to tears, but no longer with fear; in its place, a flood of memories from years back, the rush of remembering how she loved this man. He moved up slightly, looked her dead in the eyes, and smiled. "The worst is over," he said, kissing her forehead. It really wasn't the worst. But she was glad that they sailed through it

together. ~~~ Right after the scene, Dawn headed to the other bedroom, where their things were, and used the bathroom in it to get changed. She took her time, knowing that Richard fell asleep in the living room, glad to have the scene done. But when she opened the bathroom door, she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting, his clothes on a neat pile beside him. "O, gising ka na pala," she said, taking her hand away from the light switch. "Ikaw naman." He stood up and met her in the middle of the room. There was something about the look in his eyes that Dawn found herself unable to speak, even when he was reaching for her face, even when he was searching her face and her eyes, even when he had pulled her closer with a sudden sweep of his hand on her waist. Even when his lips fell on hers again, this time more open, more forceful, his hand grabbing a bunch of her hair. Despite her shock, she found herself heeding the need of his lips, answering his kiss with a little less hesitation than she had shown for the cameras that day. It felt as if it was the right thing to do at the moment, as if the room was spinning and she could only hold on to his arms for support. As if knowing this, he pulled her to him in a tight embrace, his lips near her ear once more. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you this," he said softly before moving away, picking up his clothes from the bed. "S... should I wait for you?" she asked as he stood by the bathroom door, feeling suddenly stupid. "No, go ahead," he answered with a smile. "I'll see you outside.