>>>>A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist "Hello, > >>>>could you >

>>>>give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I > >>>>think she is > >>>>expecting something from me!" > >>>> > >>>>The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is > > >>>>going out, > >>>> > >>>>he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my > >>>>girlfriend's > >>>>sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a > >>>>provocative manner > >>>>when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." > >>>> > >>>>The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is > >>>>leaving he turns > >>>>back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my > >>>>girlfriend's > >>>>mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes > >>>>allusions... > >>>>and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting > > >>>>something from > >>>>me!! > >>>> > >>>>During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend o! n > >>>>his left, > >>>>the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad > >>>>gets there, the > >>>>boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord,bless this > >>>>dinner...thank > >>>>you for all you give us...!!!" > >>>> > >>>>A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for > >>>>your > >>>>kindness..." > >>>> > >>>>Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head > >>>>down. > >>>> > >>>>The others look at >each other surprised and his girlfriend even > >>>>more than

> >>>>the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: > >>>>"I didn't know > >>>>you were so religious!!!" > >>>> > >>>>The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was the pharmacist!!!" The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited Island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store >his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened ~everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me?" he cried. Early the next day,however, he was wakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?"asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. It's easy to get discouraged sometimes when things appear to be going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it. Pass this on, you never know whose life may be in need of this today. Believe me, there are some weeks that we all feel our huts are burning. Short jokes Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father : No. Why do you ask that? Son : Well, where did you get mummy then? ** *************************************************** Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. ******************************************************** Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home. ******************************************************** Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again? Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

********************************************************** Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time? Post Master : Well it might do. Customer : I bet you, it won't. Post Master : Why not? Customer : It's addressed to Johor. ******************************************************************* Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first

Little Johnny was traveling in a plane when a stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" height of stupidity Q In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level of the pond increases. How? Think...........try it No??? Cmon.. Can't answer..........scroll down A The other 9 fish are crying................. A woman goes in an Auto (rickshaw) and gets bald??? How??? Lets C' if you can solve this one....... Here goes the answer... Automatically ( AutoMeinTakli).....:)

Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari, RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari, RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ??? scroll down for answer. . . . . . . . . . . . . not getting, very simple yaar.. coz, they all started clapping !!!! just One More What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....? ..and the Answer is.......... . HASINA !

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it? Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette Another deadly answer. Scroll down a little Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee." us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee". A railway station beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question? "So, which platform are you working on?" Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot. Why? Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal. Conversation in a 2-Tier AC compartment.

A young couple is sitting on bench below and an old man is sleeping on berth. She: Darling, my index finger is paining. He: Darling, Dont worry, I will kiss your finger and the pain will be Gone. After some time She: Darling, my Thumb is paining He: Darling, Dont worry, I will kiss your Thumb and the pain will be Gone. She: Darling, my cheek is paining He: Darling, Dont worry, I will kiss your cheek and the pain will be Gone. This goes on for some timeThe old man is irritated. He asks.Young man, If you can cure pain by kissing Can you help me? I have piles..and it is paining there right now. Female Comebacks! Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner. So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't" . List 2 1)First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 2)After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" 3)One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!" 4)If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! 5)A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." 6)A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." 7)A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?" "Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."

8)A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."The woman replied, " That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, " That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world! The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

9)A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works!

10)The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

11)A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time she got herself her own apartment?" "My mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."

12)In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. 13)She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" said the truck driver. 14)She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

15)A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

16)Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me. Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

17)Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence. So am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says the other man. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" "Oh, never mind. Let's look for yours!"

18)This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey. and pass the honey, Sugar. Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig".

19)The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" the woman asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

20)Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.! 21)Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again? Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

22)Teacher: Where is the Mt.Everest Student: I don't know Teacher: Then stand up on the bench! Student;(after standing up on the bench) I still can't see it ! 23)Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

24) President George.W.Bush was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

25)A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates. A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!" She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said, "I bet this is some wine!" The little boy said, "Nope!" She tasted it again and said "Liquor?" The little boy said, "Nope!" She tasted it again and said, "Beer?" The little boy said, "Nope!" She said, "Well what is it?" The little boy said, "A puppy!"

26) In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the Judge to answer for a ticket given to her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honour that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the Judge's eyes. "You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

27)Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".

28)An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain. The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it." The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!" The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?" The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine." "So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?" "Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

29)Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it. "They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

30)Two guys were walking through the jungle.All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance,running towards them.One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on.The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'His friend replies:'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.'

31)A Sardar who was a proffessional scuba diver,decided to go for scuba diving in the indian ocean. He Put on his equipments and dived into the river.he went 100m down when the pressure started developing. suddenly he saw a man down there without any equipments.so this sardar got angry at the guyfor trying to break his record and so he went 200m down. then when he looked he saw that same guy there too.so the sardar went down further till he reached 400m.the man there also.the sardar was amazed and asked the person using sign language,, "How Can You survive down here without any equipment?" The Man Said" You @$$hole am drowning!!!" 32)Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God . . "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God

and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell . Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God looked down into Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"God said, "That was the screen saver." 33)The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" " But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women." The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!" 34)A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house

she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." 35)Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying idiot told you I was speeding too. 36)A sardar decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep." 37)Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?" His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both." Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?' His Dad says, "Both. God is both." Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?" 38)Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat? A: Use a spirit level! 39)Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians? A: You can see right through their tricks! 40)Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline? A: British Scareways! 41)Q: What's a ghost's favourite food? A: I-Scream List 3 1)Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick." 2)Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things

on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" 3)Little Johnny wants to do it with his teacher but she always refuses. One day, finally he suggests "Ok how about if I gave you $1 million, would you do it?" The teacher, in an attempt to end it all replies a bit amused "With a $1 million? Sure I'll do it with you." Little Johnny: "How about for 50 bucks?" Teacher: "Hold it there young man what do you think I am?" Little Johnny: "I know what you are. I'm just bargaining on the price." 4)Little Johnny's father wakes him up one morning and says "Johnny, go feed the animals as I am late and must take a shower." Little Johnny who is now angry gets out of bed and walks past his mother who is making breakfast in the kitchen. Johnny gathers the food for the chicken, pig, and cow. First, Johnny kicks the chicken and drops it's feed in its feeder. Second, Johnny walks up to the pig, kicks it, and drops its slop in it's trough. Third, Johnny walks up, kicks the cow, and gives the cow it's food. Meanwhile, his mother can see all of what Johnny is doing from the kitchen. Johnny walks back to the house and enters the kitchen. Johnny's mother says, "Johnny, I saw what you did and for kicking the chicken, you will have no eggs for breakfast, for kicking the pig, you will have no bacon. For kicking the cow, you will have no milk." Meanwhile, Johnny's father walks down the stairs and trips over the cat and nearly falls. Johnny's father walks up and kicks the cat. Johnny looks at his mother and says "Should I tell him what he's not going to have or are you?" 5)A couple with their young son, Little Johnny, decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while Little Johnny played in the water. After a while Little Johnny came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So Little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later Little Johnny returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's. The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said,"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!" 6)Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" List 4 1)Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand." 2)One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard." 3)The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher 4)A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello." Salesman: "Is your mommy there?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes." Salesman: "Can I speak with her?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy." Salesman: "Is your daddy there?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes." Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy." Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department." Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy." Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department." Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy." Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?" Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me." 5)Mother told her Little Johnny to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy. Little Johnny's father,passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am." 6)Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. "You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!" Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly." 7)The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns." Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!" 8)Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out." 9)Little Johnny asks an expecting woman: "What is in your tummy ?" "My baby!" "Do you love him!" "You betcha!" "Why did you eat him then?" 10)Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." 11)One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary." 12)A father is in church with his young children, including his five-year-old son, Little Johnny. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. Little Johnny was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on his face, Little Johnny turned to his father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?" 13)A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed Little Johnny. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" 14)A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans". "My father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans." 15)"Mummy,Mummy", said Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation just dropped it." 16)A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore." 17)In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?" No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?" "No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior. The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!" 18)A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a Little Johnny and a group of his friends, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy, Little Johnny, gave a deep sigh and said,"All right, give him the dog." 19)Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday? Little Johnny: Seven. Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday? Little Johnny: Nine. Teacher: That's impossible. Little Johnny: No, it isn't, teacher. Today is my birthday. I'm eight today! 20)Teacher: "Where were you born?" Little Johnny: "New Jersey, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Little Johnny: "All of me"

List 5 1)Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back." 2)Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu, called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" Fu decided to return to China. 3)Call from daddy!!! ((((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank" After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you havent got an Uncle Frank" "Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddys car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didnt know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think hes dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says . . .. Swimming pool?? ... Is this 555-7039??????" No. 4)A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." 5)Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. 6)I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. 7)It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

8)I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." 9)I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?" 10)Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" 11)"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do." "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." "What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours." 12)"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try." 13)A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!" 14)They are up in bed A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they`re up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they`re still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." 14)Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank robbery has just taken place.

15)The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen." 16)A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." 17)A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. 18)A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 19)What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. 20)What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. 21)What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp? One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish. 22)This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, "Lawyers are ASSHOLES!" A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him "I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!" The first guy said "Are you a Lawyer?" The man responded "No, I'm an asshole!" 23)Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. 24)How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking? Slam the toilet seat on his head. 25)What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures wait 'until you're dead to rip your heart out. 26)You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

27)Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. 28)Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. 29)Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!" 30)On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things. 31)Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan yelled out, "Women and children first!" Bush then cried, "Screw the women!" To which, Clinton responded, "Do you think we have time?" 32)Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation. 33)What's 12 inches long, 3 inches wide and hangs in front of an asshole? Bill Clintons' tie. 34)Clinton, Perot, and Dole were on air force one flying to Washington, when Perot got up and threw a 100 dollar bill out the window. "I just made one person happy." Not to be out done Dole stood up and threw 2 50 dollar bills out. "I just made two people happy." To get in the act Clinton threw out 100 1 dollar bills. "I just made 100 people happy." The pilot over hearing the whole situation said, "If you guys don't shut up, I will throw all of you out and make 300 million people happy." 35)One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!" 36)Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit." 37)There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." 38)A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting,"Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up. Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!" The man immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!" 39)A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." 40)Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 41) A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next! 42)Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

42)biscuit maker writes a love letter to his girlfriend..... Dear MARIE,yesterday was a very GOOD-DAY.... Our meeting was truely NICE.... But the chance of success of our love is 5050.... Becoz your father is a TIGER.... Will u give ur LITTLE HEARTS to me, otherwise i will become KRACK JACK