Letters to God

Ashley Rankin

4/12/1998 Age 6 Dear God, Thank you for my mom i love you Love Ashley

12/1/2012 Age 10 Dear God, I had a really good time at church today. I saw my friend Emily. I was wondering if I could have a horse for Christmas. I promise Ill take care of it and love it. Thank you for everything. Love, Ashley

3/13/2004 Age 11 Dear God, I hope Grandma and Grandpa are up in Heaven with you. I miss them very much. I understand why you took them together. I hope I can see them soon. Can you please tell Grandpa how much I miss him? Everything is confusing now. I had to take time off of school and my mom is quiet all the time. Why cant grandparents just live forever? Love, Ashley

4/18/2007 Age 14 Dear God, As Im sure You already know, I have chosen not to be Confirmed. When we were sitting in ERE class, a Priest came in to answer any questions we had before we got Confirmed. I asked him why women could not be Priests. He did not have an answer. I decided that the Catholic Church is sexist, and I cannot be a part of that. I went home, spoke to my parents, and they are okay with my decision. I think we might even switch churches. I hope I dont have to go back to St. Columban. I dont like it there. The kids in the school there are really mean to us because we go to public school. Dont they see that the public school program is better?? St. Columban is dark, too. And it smells really old. All they care about there is getting money to fund their stupid school. I really hope we go to a different church. Anyway, Im sorry for not getting Confirmed. I hope you are not mad at me. I still love you, and I still pray every night. Love, Ashley

10/26/2007 Age 15 Dear God, I have been confused about the Bible lately. We are learning about evolution in my biology class, and I love it. Im definitely going to study biology in college! But if evolution is true, and the Adam and Eve story is not true, then how much else of the Bible is untrue? I never have really understood the Bible, but I dont think it was written by You. I think it was written by men. Jesus is confusing to me, too. Am I supposed to pray to him or pray to You? It is all confusing. I think Im supposed to pray to You. I think my parents are thinking about us going to a new church. I hope its different than St. Columban. Love, Ashley

11/23/2007 Age 15 Dear God, Please let Colin wake up. I have been praying to you every hour since the accident, but they say he hasnt woken up. Please just wake him up. I love him so much. Why couldnt you take me instead? Why did this have to happen to him? He didnt do anything to deserve this. Please dont let him die. Im begging you. Just please wake him up! Ill do anything You want. Please. Love, Ashley

8/03/2008 Age 16 Dear God, I love our new church! It is a Methodist Church called Epiphany. The people there are so nice, and the Reverend is female. They even have a youth group! I might join it, but David is in it, and I dont really like him. A lot of nice people from my school go to Epiphany, and they are so much friendlier than the St. Columban kids. I feel at home here. I do think that Epiphany tries a little too hard to be cool, but thats okay. It is so bright and so clean! At Epiphany, they have so many opportunities to volunteer. They even have a mission trip to Africa! That would be so amazing. I wish my parents and I went to Epiphany when we first moved here instead of St. Columban. I feel closer to You here. Love, Ashley

3/16/2010 Age 17 Dear God, I am having a lot of trouble understanding Your existence these days. Nobody seems to have any good answers. Why do you let the world function the way it does? Why do you let bad things happen to good people? Ive been told that it is because You gave man free will. But wouldnt You have understood the consequences of that before You made that decision? And even if You did not understand that free will would lead to rape and murder, couldnt You an almighty being- take it away? Furthermore, why predispose certain people to commit horrendous crimes? Why make pedophiles or sociopaths in the first place? I have also been told that we are not able to understand Your ways. But is that really acceptable? Are those who have gone through so much anguish really supposed to just accept that You work in mysterious ways? Do you not owe them some kind of explanation? It is difficult for me to understand how You can watch all of the terrible things in this world, but not intervene. If You can watch these things happen, then what does that make You? -Ashley

7/08/2010 Age 17 Dear God, I dont think I believe in you. For months, I have obsessively researched the probability of your existence, and it is clear to me that I have been talking to myself for 17 years. Even if you are there, I do not want to love a god who lets his people suffer. I no longer pray every night. I no longer go to church. Ever since my belief in you has waned, I feel empty and alone. My friends and parents dont understand or accept the fact that I could now be called an atheist. I miss being able to pray and talk to you. I never meant to not believe in you; it just happened. I have a few classmates who are atheists, and they are amazing people. I am hoping that the void I am feeling can be filled by remaining a good person, and striving to help others. I feel really lost right now. I used to pray when I was scared; now what will I do? I used to come to you when I needed answers; now where will I go? I dont know when Ill figure these things out. My parents think Im just going through a phase, but Im not. I hate this. I hate not having you anymore; why would I put myself through this if I did not have a choice? I cannot deny science. I cannot deny the daily sufferings of humanity. I cannot deny the way religion is used to control and abuse people. Therefore, I must deny you. Farewell, Ashley

11/03/2013 Age 21 Dear Diary, When I walk around campus, all I can think about is how gorgeous the trees are. I depend on those trees for survival, but they can survive just fine without me. Nature is so interesting in that way. When I think about how we are all a part of the many cycles that keep Earth a livable planet, I somehow feel both very significant and very insignificant. I always feel at peace, though, knowing that Im not separate from Earth, but part of it. There is no longer a void where God once was. My life has changed very little without his presence. Not having an assigned purpose in life gives me the freedom to find my own or not find one at all. Understanding that there will be no repercussions for my actions on Earth makes each act of kindness that much more potent. Understanding that someday, I will cease to exist, cease to breathe, cease to think, makes every breath I take so much more valuable. Living a life without God has given me such a profound appreciation for my time on Earth and my ability to choose how I spend it. I feel complete, yet part of something unfathomably larger than myself.