Stumbled upon this subreddit today, fell in love, Rascal scooter'd my way over to type this up.

(throwaway b/c too many IRL people know my actual username I'm !" y/o chick, not fit by any means, #'$ "%&lbs, workin' my way down. (oyfriend is from (el'ium, !#, works in I). *e's #'"& and super thin due to bein' a nerd all the time. I love him anyways. So he tells me that theres a hamplanet at his +ob who's really into metal music, referred to henceforth as *amthra,. *amthra, has a really hard time keepin' away from my bf, apparently very into his accent. (oy is like meatwa'on bait for some reason. -reente,t activated. .ver break (estoy colle'e student start internin' at a firm really near (/'s place of work 0ove shit around in my schedule to 'o over and have lunch with him, 'ood 'irlfriend style (/ really e,cited to show me the ma+esty that is *amthra, Sit down with him in lar'e cafeteria on the main floor of the office buildin'. (y lar'e, i mean enou'h walkin' room between tables. could probably ride a horse throu'h some of those 'aps 1atin' with (/(we're both pescetarians when suddenly there is a terrifyin' rumble earth shakes birds fly from trees dark clouds approach 2 mountain of flesh starts char'in' at us mfw http3//i.im'ur.com/-ei4)b(.'if boyfriend has unconventional name (kind of spelled 5an, but pronounced 67an6 *amthra, emits loud shriek and mewls 65aaaaaaaaaan6 like brady bunch 5an 8early e,plode with lau'hter wobbles towards us, pushin' tables aside with her enormous mountain si9ed fat rolls 'reasy black hair, cake layered make up, wearin' all black dresspants and 'iant blouse that looks like she robbed a sailboat mast. i'd 'uess #'%, :#&;%&& lbs monstrous.+pe' 2t this point, my boyfriend introduces me to *amthra,. (oyfriend e,plains I am uni student, and workin' around here. Instahate in 0e'a'irth's eyes, i'nores me even thou'h I offer her a hand. She plops down onto the seat to the side of us and throws what I assume is the worlds lar'est deli sandwich on the table. 8either of us had invited her to sit with us but looks like she took it upon her massive self to +oin us.

*amthra, unwraps sandwich to reveal the destruction of an entire deli counter more meat and cheese then I've ever seen between two pieces of bread mayonaise drippin' from the ed'es, not a ve'etable in si'ht +esustakethewheel.e,e <ream )heater immediately crams it into her mouth and starts talkin' with her mouth full and her chins =uakin'. tells us she had to take out all her piercin's for work again (works as a receptionist keeps talkin' about death metal concert comin' up eyes my salad with dis'ust asks me what music i'm into barely have time to utter 6mostly rock and some indie and trance6 0eatallica cuts me off and starts beratin' me , e,plainin' my poor choice in music to me bf is hu'e trance fan, starts to come to the rescue *amthra, immediately back tracks 6Lol well trance is pretty 'ood 5286 isthisthereallife.'if mayonaise and cheese rollin' off her face and onto the table close my tupper ware with my salad, feelin' nauseated *amthra,, 'u99lin' liter coke, 9eros in on my food 6is that all you 'onna eat6 tell her I feel full 6.m' 528 your 'irlfriends such a anore,ic how can she satisfy you. >atch out rooms'otrooms or he mi'ht +ust up'rade teehee6 mfw uncomfortable 'lances continues to talk about 604* <4R?1S6 and about how you 811@ to eat meat or you're not healthy. spend ne,t twenty minutes listenin' to diatribes of Slayer <ake while she flirts with (/ (/'s eyes have become 'la9ed over in boredom I become worried *amthra, mi'ht think they're dou'hnuts and chow down 1ventually the ni'htmare ended, and we 'ot up (she flailed around and crashed into shit and made to leave, but not before she 'ave him a lon' hu', crushin' the life force from his frail bones. She smirks and waves bye to me, winkin' at (/. 0any stories followin'A 1dit3 >ow I'm 'lad you 'uys liked my *amthra, )alesAA I'll put up the ne,t story sometime today 1dit !3 *avin' so much fun writin' these up, ra'in' all the while B2R) @14C

Duick synopsis3 thin (el'ian boyfriend (accent and everythin' works with death metal mountain *amthra,. She's 'ot a thin' for himE I am visibly shakin' in my human si9ed clothes for fear of losin' him to this pile of flesh. (oyfriend usually walks over to the office where I workE it's closer to the subway, so it makes more sense to meet me there one day after work, waitin' for (/ on the sidewalk outside 'round starts rumblin' small children shrieks can be heard in distance see my boyfriend bein' followed by what appears to be a mobile buildin' mfw its *amthra, she's put in her piercin's and is wearin' a tent with -uns'and'Roses lo'o painted on. a,l rose should pay her billboard royalties <hunky lips bul'in' a'ainst lip rin's wearin' skirt that shows of ma+estic sea of cellulite both see me, bf has instant relief on face that he doesn't have to wait outside this buildin' with the (lob 2nnihileater is not e,cited to see my 6bony ass6 (most definitely not, 'ot those 'ood slavic hips and a pretty round behind not a hu'e fan of B@2 usually, but with *amthra, there, sure why not a mini;makeout sesh with the (/ when we break apart, *amthra, has dat hun'er/malice in her beady little eyes can't tell which ohshitni''er.+p' makes 'a''in' sound, i am worried undi'ested food mi'ht tumble out of her 'ullet. 6you 'uys are S. 'ross, totally +ust lost my appetite6 +enniferlawrenceyeahokay.'if have to walk about a block and a half to the subway is sweatin' like she's in carryin' a ammo pack throu'h rice fields in '8am stench is unbearable, waves of sweat roll off her as if she was the mi'hty pacific talks ad nauseum about her 6causal lover6 phrasin'.e,e walks ne,t to bf, tries to make sure he's payin' attention to her 'rabs his hand, he pulls it back oh my 'od 5an (pronounces it as the shortenin' for 5anet, not 67an6 you're so unaffectionate wut...

continues to call him pussy whipped by me 6I don't know roomsonrooms, it's probably 'ood you have such a ti'ht leash, our offices is full of real women.6 pats stomach rolls struggling to escape the fabric of her tarp dyin' on the inside, bf looks like he's about to vomit 6yeah I'll keep an eye out6 i mutter tryin' not to melt into a pile of lau'hter walk past whole foods, I ask bf if we need to stop by to 'et food for dinner bf says he wants to pick up a couple thin's, hopin' we can 'et away from our elephant companion )estameat is havin' none of it, decides she also needs to 'o ofw slidin' doors almost catch on her 6curves6 So like i said in the first story, me and (/ are pescetarian (sorry 'uysA (.0- @21 S04-F . I don't eat meat +ust because it makes me feel sick, and I have a di'estive issue, he's +ust to la9y to cook meat, also doesn't care too much for it. 8othin' ideolo'ical, +ust a dietary preference for us. me and bf try to talk about what we need *amthra, is not e,cited about bein' i'nored, keeps shoutin' over us, deridin' my su''estions for food I want to 'et =uinoa. *amthra, is pu99led by this food name, as she racks her fat encrusted brain tryin' to remember if its cake head around >/s, all the while (uns n' Roses moans about the 6hipsterness6 of the staff and the products, in the faces of terrified stockboys as she rumbles past loadin' every carbohydrate into her cart I 'rab the =uinoa Le' of Lamb of -od is immediately upset that this is not cream;filled delicacy of her thou'hts tells me that real woman need fats to help make us more fertile u'htechinicallytruebutfuckthisbitch.avi (/ says as a +oke 6we don't need to worry about that6 Banpi99atera takes this as a cue to talk about all the boys that want in on her +i''les apparently there are many who want to fuck those fat folds. yup. we continue walkin', her feet shufflin' as her cart starts to become a carb mountain we come up to the meat/cheese section, bf 'ets a small pack of brie, *amthra, dumps several blocks of chedder into her cart *amthra, bellows in a prehistory mammoth cry and 'rabs us, envelopin' our wrists in her fists of fat pulls us to meat counter

tells/flirts deli counter 'uy that we are ve'ies and second class citi9ens. 6tell these 'uys that you need meat6 man looks like he'd rather swallow bleach than keep makin' eye contact with her moonface shru's and asks her what she wants ofw she orders : roasted chicken S=uishknot lives alone, we can 'uess whose conve, sinkhole will be those chickens' restin' place 6<hicken is really 'ood for you6 I have never felt more sorry for the dead carcass of an animal ask boyfriend if he wants salmon 0arilyn 0unchkin inter+ects that fish are 'ross and unhealthy u'hwut.flac buy salmon, and make our way to check out. *amthra, is knockin' over shit you know how in >/s theres a refri'erator full of prepared sandwiches, dishes, and dessertsF >ell S't. Bepper's Lonely -astric (and sees the carrot cake, which is cut into chunks and in tubs says maybe she will treat herself one tin of that can fill two people with a decent amount of carrot cake loads in four tins into her cart we 'et in line, the dividers stretch to accomodate this luscious woman /atty .sbourne starts point out the 6unrealistic body ima'e6 perpetrated by S*2B1 ma'a9ine it's all photoshopped, don't we know, they could make System of a 0ound look that way if they wanted mysides.+pe' boyfriend looks as if his face mi'ht implode from not lau'hin' he tells me I would look 'ood in the bikini on the cover of another ma'a9ine, su''ests we 'o swimsuit shoppin' for summer 'lances over at *amthra,'s puffy, pissed face <ream )heater inter+ects 6ReallyF S*1'S S. /L2) )*.4-*. )hat kind of suit needs curves6 .nce a'ain, I have those, but keep silent. Sorry this is so lon', almost done. Stay tuned for *amthra,'s ((D party we are forced to attend, will write it up later today or tomorrow. 'et to checkout, it takes her cashier "& minutes to rin' up all food. bill must be monstrous, +ust like her Dueen of the :& Stone 2'e huffs over with about "& ba's, her fists 'rippin' the handles so hard moisture is leakin' out of them asks (/ if he can take 6a couple6

(/ and I are too beta to say no, since we have ! ba's in total he takes $, : in each hand lookofpain.+pe' thankfully only a couple steps to train she's 'oin' opposite direction, different side of platform >e drop the ba's on the floor of the train terminal, and book it *amthra, lashes out a mountainous arm and 'rabs (/ by the shirt and pulls him into a hu' le'itimately concerned she will try to eat him i can see his life flashin' before his eyes 2ven'ed Seven;/olds 'ives me a smu' look bf 'rabs me by my e,istent waist and I put my head on his shoulder we walk down to the station can see landplanet on the other side, stru''lin' with purchase tries to wave to us, we pretend to not notice last thin' we see as we 'et on our train is several people ne,t to her lookin' on in horror as they reali9e this driftin' continent will be on the same train as them carryin'capacity.=uery 'od damn it i'm addicted to writin' these now I +ust can't =uit you /BSA /irst story here, second story a=ui I'm +ust 'oin' to skip the 6last week on 1scape from *amplanet6 and +ump into a mu''y 2u'ust day last year.)hanks /u/culofiesta, /u/DueefGSampler and /u/pennyinpurple for moar puns. 2lso bf is /u/notbel'ianbutdutch 0e and (/ are slowly roastin' in our apartment when he 'ets a call from a coworker. ((D at *amthra,'s she has a pool decisions.'if we decide to 'o, to en+oy some free food, cool water, and a 'iant helpin' of whale blubber take my car because 8ine Inch Sandwich lives out in bumfuck nowhere I have a pretty small car, can fit # normal to : hamplanet;in;trainin' si9ed people in it with some s=uee9in'. >e swin' by store to 'rab a si,pack, some wine, and ve''ie bur'ers courtesy.mpe' arrive to what is a small, normal lookin' house with a small front yard, hear music and people inside the backyard find street parkin' about : blocks away, pretty 'ood find knock at door suddenly the wine be'ins to ripple like cra9y

flock of animals run out of the surroundin' area for hi'her 'round mfw *amthra, opens the door wearin' ! piece strin' bikini assume it is ! piece, can't see the bottoms hnnn'.sws slowly make eye contact, wonderin' if we can back away without tri''erin' a maulin' 'rabs (/ by the collar and s=ueals 522222228 shakes him about like a red;headed stepchild would interfere, but transfi,ed by how flat 0otHrham's chest is despite her flobbity wobbity bits bf wi''les away, tears in his eyes after the pro,imity to the fumes *amthra, eyes me in my lon' cover up dress ilook'ood.doc *un'er crosses 2lice in Spanks face as she smirks at me 6no need to be shy here rooms'otrooms, I'm sure you look fine under there teehee6 +okes on her, been sweatin' like a mother fucker for the past month runnin' smile and nod my head invites us inside, 'rabbin' food from our hands like a starvin' ethiopian and e,aminin' it reali9es bur'ers are ve''ie, swivels in the doorway mini tornado collects a'ainst her sides and crashes a'ainst us the smell hits us full forceE sweat, mold, an animal or two that had lon' since resi'ned itself to burial amon'st the folds scent of 'rease and burned food hits as /atley <rue waves her arms tryin' to si'nal some type of *ambeast airstrike here's a =uick visual of her as she starts her welpin' tells us these bur'ers are e,tremely unhealthy and how could we brin' that into her house holyshitwhat.'if e,plain its +ust ve'etables, not poison <eltic /rostin' isn't havin' it, convinced its a trick 6@on't e,pect me to eat any of theseA6 while crackin' and 'u99lin' one beer in front of us ofw walk throu'h her livin' room and kitchen. wrappers.every.fuckin'.where. stench fades as we 'o into a much nicer back yard. nice pool, lar'e deck chairs and a few tables. bunch of people are there, mostly from bf's work, most people are sittin' by pool, or eatin'.

-uy from office is manin' the 'rill, we dropp of the beer and the wine at a table, and 'ive him the bur'ers, to *amthra,'s irritation we walk over to some friends, *amthra, huffs ne,t us tryin' to convince bf to take of his shirt bf not feelin' this idea starts despreatly pawin' at his chest enou'h.+pe' ask bf if he wants to 'o into pool with me, a couple other friends decide to +oin us take off my cover up, watch 0orbidly .bese 2n'el take in my slim(mer physi=ue hfw bf and some bros cannonball into pool, I follow, bf tries to catch me as i +ump in misses sli'htly, 'ets my le's but not my ass cuteshit.mov we're +ust splashin' about, lau'hin' with people when waves be'in to lap up more fre=uently a'ainst our bodies we are worried a truck has broken throu'h the 'ates and is headin' for the pool nope, +ust Rollin' :& Stone approachin' us in what I assume is her se,y strut looks like each limb of her body is tryin' to +ump ship in unison. her chins roll up so she bares resemblance to a fleshy bundle of newspapers starts pathetically +o''in' to ed'e of pool oh'od.yahweh our faces are a portrait of horror as it dawns on us what will happen we are too late, her body is approachin' the water at what is a remarkable speed our eyes lock onto the 'elatinous +i''le pile, dreadin' impact but nothin' compares to the sheer panic when we reali9e where she will land i look at my boyfriend, his pupils have dilated, his body ri'id she is on a direct course to his fra'ile body i whisper 6i love you6, all that i can do is watch this horror unfold he blanches, i am too far from him to pull him to safety like an a'ile dolphin, he dod'es =uickly to the left 0y <hemical Romincemeat Bie crashes into the pool I have never nor will i ever hear a sound as wrenchin' and painful as the one made by her bare thi'h meat as it collided a'ainst the water nei'hbors look over fence wonderin' if 8orth Iorea did in fact launch that nuke

me and bf clin' to each other, hopin' we will survive the tidal waves that are now tryin' to pull us under 5udas (east rears her head, her non;e,istent titties flap a'ainst her stomach starts bouncin' up and down in the water, 'i''lin' and ad+ustin' her bottoms (i hope doesn't notice the havoc she has wreaked upon her own pool puddles of water slosh out on to the 'round people have stopped eatin' as her 6teehees6 echo the yard Ra'e a'ainst the @iet 0achine 9eroes in on bf and me trundles up to us 6hey 528 want to play chickenF6 we scramble out of the water so fast we almost shatter the water molecules run to 'rill to eat should have known this was the worst place to hide mfw she heaves her carcass from the water and lumbers toward us, 'listenin' like a freshly beached whale we turn away to 'et food 'rill man =uickly tells us to stay away from the potato salad as *amastodon made it find the creation he is describin' in a 'iant tub, has bacon and more mayonaise in it than I have seen in my life. steer clear, 'rab salad and some corn;on;the;cob, ask 'rill man to throw on the ve''ie bur'ers, see people have been eatin' them ofw the rumbles si'nals <ream )heater's return slams ne,t to bf, 'rabbin' corn cob off table starts suckin' it ofw she winks at bf and sneers at the patties on the 'rill asks for two patties and a sausa'e watch <hildren of (acon assemble a 'enocide of a bur'er hand 'oes towards mayo, and chokes that bottle like it killed her hamplanet family vomit.avi Ji''y (acondust and the *amplanets like 0ars chows down at a dis'ustin' speed, and all we can do is watch bf asks me if i want to 'o soon, this is turnin' into Stalker /est :&&& @eathrace (ur'er Iin' starts whinin' about how we can't 'o yet, they're 'oin' to have a wet shirt contest soon +esustakethewheel.flac

we want to leave, but *amthra, 'uards a''ressively, so we take a beer and 'o sit down by the pool prayin' she won't follow thankfully she doesn't, instead we watch her scuttle over to the iBod dock starts playin' (eyonce's <ra9y In Love and dancin' by dancin' i mean 'yratin' so hard that several chairs 'ravitate over and +oin her orbit 8openopenope Smarshmellow 0outh has 'one too far. .kay I am so sorry this is unbearably lon'. 2t this point, i was seriously tired of her shit, and wanted to book it out of there. (ut one of my bf's friends needed a ride, and was tryin' to 'et a female coworker to han' out at his place /me and bf win'manin' it up/. so we decide to stay for 02C " hour. while watchin' in the +elly wobblin' show in horro someone approaches us and asks us if it's true we have a car apparently (eheamamoth didn't think to buy any beer for everyone, and the party is 'ettin' soberer by the second. we volunteer to drive over to somewhere to 'rab some with the 'uy who asked, and make our way out to the car 0eatsled Jepplin sees us leavin', and immediately runs at us, demandin' to come (has no idea where we're 'oin' soakin' wet /at (enetar says she *2S to 'o 'et beers, shes really knowled'eable about that stuff alri'htythen.mp% we make Snack Sabbath put on a shirt and and 'rab towels to accommodate her soppin' wet tundra of an ass there are four of us and bf calls shot'un with the vi'ilance of a man knowin' the fate that will await him if he dares sit within two feet of her then the most beautiful thin' happened <hin Li99y couldn't 'et into the Brius S*1 <.4L@ 8.) /I) I8). )*1 <2R it was the most ama9in' thin' i've ever seen she followed it up by kickin' the car and sayin' it was a bullshit piece of trash that probably wasn't safe to drive 2LL./07SI@1S.*2LB 5esus this is a novel. She stalked back home humiliated, and self ri'hteous. >e 'ot beer, 'ot back and 'rabbed our two friends. 0ana'ed to dip out when she was in the bathroom doin' 'od knows what. Later bf 'ot an'ry te,t about leavin' before 'ivin' her a hu'. 7up. Stay tuned for more tales of *amthra,AAA (oyfriend will come home in evenin' and hopefully help me out with the ne,t oneA

*ello my ((>s, I'm back and i've dra''ed my bf (/u/notbel'ianbutdutch in front the computer and we're doin' this one to'etherA Brepare for some 'ood old fashions *amthra, action. )hank you everyone who contributed puns, its +ust 'ettin' better and better. 2ll your comments have us rollin' on the 'round like *amthra, after a chair malfunction. So after a 'ood month of havin' our lunches interrupted by the seismo'raph wobblin' *amthra,, it's decided we need a more covert lunch spot fi'ured any place near a salad bar would 'ood. decide on a park, 'rass mi'ht confuse )ank Jappa into stayin' away is also on a hill, no way the lettuce dod'er could make it up there without her 'ale force breathin' alertin' us to the oncomin' fructose storm first day, all 'ood 2lice in /ast /ood <hains doesn't spot us nin+a.e,e shockin' lack of (eached >hale (oys for a week, we start feelin' pretty safe 0onday rolls around like >hitecake fi'htin' her sleep apnea in the park, eatin' lunch, havin' 'ood time cuteshit.mpe' feel disturbance in the 'ravitational force birds leave nearby trees somewhere a mountain 'oat brays warnin' either .din is comin' down to smite the unworthy or we're about to have our romantic spot nuked in spam. Sure enou'h, deep labored breathin' starts creepin' over the hills a fo' of <heeto dust rolls in, and we are instantly immobili9ed the voices comes from the oran'e mist that so thick it usually only inhabits +ersey shore. 5222222222222222228 mfw we reali9e we have been compromised 5imi *amdri, appears, lu''in' what is sure to be a deli lunch with more mayo than the @utch population consumes annually (>.. (el'ian SL20 She spots us and trundles over, stru''lin' as most cows do when their hooves are +ammed into four inch heels whatthefuckisshewearin'.,ls apparently *am *alen has for'otten she is planet and is wearin' a skirt shorter than her impulse control bla9er button is holdin' on for dear life as she +i''les over to our park bench, can practically hear the fabric screamin'

ofw we reali9e she must have found the only clothin' store that sells suits in 6tent;si9e6 bf instinctively flinches as she nears, knowin' its only a matter of time before he will be forcibly parted from his air supply by a lard coated hu' 'et the death stare from those cold pi''y eyes, not unlike those knowin' they were destined for the slau'hterhouse. bitchknowsilook'ood.wav puts her sausa'e fin'ers on bf's knee hrw starts in on my recent wei'ht loss 6only women who don't have character or talent lose wei'ht, rooms'otroooms. those of us who have really 'ood personalities can be loved for who we are, and not who we pretend to be6 pretendtobe.whatthefuck 6'otta be pretty on the insideA how lon' do you think you can keep starvin' yourselfF isn't that ri'ht 5286 nothin' about this 'irl is pretty, least of all her insides eat in silence thou'h bf looks close to homicide/intestinal distress poor man has had his fill of *amthra, holds eye contact as Iron 0ayo swallows an entire sandwich man has the stren'th of "&&& suns (similar to *amthra,'s (0I *amthra, invites us (i.e. 5an to metal concert some noname band who apparently all had a shot at her deep fried sprin' rolls (ofw Khttp3//i.minus.com/iti7@IBtyJwbh.'ifL she starts describin' their dicks we cheerfully decline sayin' we have thin's to do )rans Siberian Borkestra immediately attacks me for bein' a 6boy; ho''er6 6Listen rooms'otrooms, it's not 'ood to be so controllin'6 yup.am9n tell her i think it's weird that she would invite 5an to a concert in front of me without assumin' he'd take his lon';term 'f. 6I don't know you like i know 5286 still pronounces his name like a droolin' 2merican trashbin hfw Red *ot Bockets is now bubblin' over with ra'e starin' at me mascara starts to run down her mayo streaked face direct sunli'ht is the best disinfectant take this time to calmly stand up and throw away the rest of my food

think bf will follow, unaware he is cau'ht in Skid Roll's orbit. bits of snack food encircle her middle in a 'raceful dance of 'ravitational attraction look back to see bf paler than Red ?elvet <heesecake Revolver's pillow arms su''est we head back *amthra, is not finished with her lunch Is faced with the ulitimate /at Lo'ic dilema3 1at food, or keep stalkin' prey in hopes of se,ual con=uest we see the chocolate covered 'ears churnin' under her sha''y, 'reasy threads of hair makes the only decision a *ambeast can, and keeps feastin' as we walk away, powerless a'ainst the ma'ic of @oritos mfw she 'ur'les 6bye babe6 >e have had way too much fun, will definetly write another one. Stay tunedAAAAAAA 1@I)3 >e know, she's a parasite who needs to fuck off. >e're pretty amused by it, and when we want to 'et away, we 'et away (not that hard . 5ust sharin' some funny stories, no need for concern. )hese are also in the span of a year not a daily occurrence. She doesn't follow us home or anythin'... .nce a'ain, I come bearin' tales of deli'htful *amthra,ian shenani'ans. I can't even be'in to describe the level of mastery of fat band puns I have witnesses in these four comment threads. I wish I could credit each and every one of you, but alas there are too many, and I am paraly9ed with lau'hter/ time constraints. Sorry for the hiatus, weMve both 'otten bo''ed down with work. 2lso, thank you all for your concern, but +ust keep holdin', we promise there is satisfyin' end to this. 7a +ust 'ot to savor the calorie;laden crin'e. 2s always, bf is /u/notbel'ianbutdutch be me and bf be invited to bf's company holiday party haven't seen *amthra, for almost two months, I stopped internin'/visitin' (/ at lunch heartbroken.sws bf has told me /latulence and the 0achine is still tryin' to entice him with her 'or'eous flowin' fat rolls shakin'inmyboots.mpe' @ecember in 87, cold as eskimo balls we are busy doin' stuff and arrive late to the party upon enterin' the threshold we immediately sense somethin' is wron' disturbanceintheforce.avi everythin' is =uiet a few people huddled around punch bowl

walk up to them, say hello coworkers 'reet us and try to fill us in on what had +ust happened they can only utter the creatures wretched name before the air becomes dense the smell, oh 'od the smell permeates every pore of our bodies is this what (ei+in' in the summertime smells likeF stale fries, week old warm mayonnaise, undi'ested matter writin' utensils roll off the cubicles, somewhere in the distance a chair snaps under the possibility of encounterin' what is current thuddin' for us mfw <heese Sty, appears like the plus si9ed 'host of my ni'htmares myeyes.doc, while everyone has dressed somewhat conservatively, (lob Jombie is wearin' an 2merican 2pparel dress a person;si9ed creature wouldn't feel uncomfortable in form fittin', blob;ti'ht and open back blindmenow+esus.+pe' fellow office hamplanet is trailin' behind her, marvelous specimen of nature has both no neck, and a mountainous lion's mane of fat around face stunnin' effect of +ust a 'iant oval face pie lets call her Side@ish ofw we reali9e this is the be'innin' of somethin' beautifully horrendous it's clear some shits been 'oin' down, but now that )wisted Si99ler has shattered the atmosphere with her awesome curves, can't ask about it air becomes thick with the friction of thunderthi'hs the dra'on's maw opens and out come the screeches of hundreds of partially;di'ested 0c@onalds' meals 652222222222286 ofw *amthra, carves a path of destruction toward us, the stench of boo9e can be easily identified on top of all the other olfactory crimes a'ainst humanity finishes the monumental +o' of ten feet with 'listenin' beads of sweat rollin' off her five;head 6you look S. 'ood in a suitA 5ust delicious, ri'ht Side@ishF6 Side@ish nods hun'rily pleasedonteatme.nlo'o Swedish Bhish 'oes to 'rab his collar smack her hand away mfw my hand is now covered in 'rease

look in *amthra,'s eyes su''ests someone +ust took her precious mayo reserves and poured them down the drain 6do you have somethin' to say, rooms'otroomsF6 the an'er and constipation is evident in Ra'e 2'ainst the ?endin' 0achine's 6asthma6 ladden voice. 6If you have somethin' to say, say it6 sayit.fuckin'fineiwill takin' a line from a fantastic slam poet3 67ou see, I have a policy about honesty and ass;kickin', which is, if you ask for it, then I have to let you have it6 take a deep breath and am ready to unleash my fury when superoverwN O flab smirks 6didn't think so. >hat did i say, Side@ish, skinny, curve;less 'irls lose an inch off their spine with every pound they lose6 fuckin'>*2)didyousay.murder Side@ish wants to diffuse the hamicide thats brewin' spit out 6listen rooms'otrooms, you need to stop deprivin' yourself. you can't be a 'ood 'irlfriend if you're starvin'6 they share 6teehees6 and now everyone else's main activity is fi'htin' back the bile that is stirrin' in our tracheas like the loch ness monster .kay at this point I am an'ry and frustrated. 8ot because they were makin' some half;assed attempt to 6steal6 my lon' term, committed boyfriend (who i live with... I mean come on . )hat's +ust fuckin' stupid. (ut they're puttin' me and the countless hours i spent on the track 'ivin' myself shin splints in the name of health and stren'th, down, and actin' like they are superior for bein' 6real women6 which i am clearly not. (ut I'm a fuckin' adult, and I'm ridin' hi'h on willpower and 5an's constant side 'lances of ra'e/an'er/poorly concealed 'i''lin'. )LE@R I0282@4L).'roundcake. @eep breath walk away from )he <ankles see cupcakes on table, 'uarded by one of bf's closer office friends 'o over to help myself to a su'ary pile of calories ask bro what's up bro 'ives me sad look and recounts the horrors of the hours past some sweet office drone had made enou'h cupcakes so that everyone could have two. this poor broad had made decent si9ed, e,pertly frosted, delicious cupcakes and all she asked in return as a fair rationin' of the 'oods. fuckin' decent human bein', even frosted people names on them while everyone was appreciatin' the efforts of this woman, @ef Lap; band was +ust eye;fuckin' the shit out of the delicate innocent pastries nativeamericantearshed.'if

everyone takes their time with eatin' them, and complimentin' the woman's bakin' (lob @ylan +ust shoves the whole thin' in her mouth, chews unceremoniously and pops the second one into her dump truck of a 'ullet obviously demands more baker responds she only made enou'h for two servin's resident office strai'ht;talker su''ests she should have eaten them slower 0ayohem is in ra'e mode now, and screams at the woman that they weren't 'ood anyway, and who even 02I1S cupcakes that smallFAF mfw i notice the cupcakes are lar'er than my fist baker is incredibly upset, and runs into bathroom people start yellin' at Bearl Spam, attemptin' to elicit 'uilt or shame or even empathy this is all in vain the /lamin' <hips be'ins to cry, screamin' that it isn't her fault she has a R12L (someone needs to nail;'un that word out of her head appetite, and that this is 2merica and she can eat however much she wants naaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiillllll'uuuuuuuuunnnn.avi *amthra,'s howls brin' Side@ish to her side, white;castle;kni'htin' like her third before;lunch snack depended on it they both clomp off into a cubicle, where I/< Soundsystem mana'es to wail at a volume that ensures tinnitus for 2LL the people 'enerous.eviews amid the cries of 604* <4R?1S6 and 604* )*7R.I@6 (pick one you fat cut the poor baker had to be coa,ed out of the bathroom and promised that there would be a 'uard placed at the su'ary treats hamon hamarth recovered from her emotional wounds =uick enou'h and tried to pilla'e the cupcake table office bro was not havin' it, and now bears the spit stains and 'rease handprints of combat the true battlescars are emotional, as we well know. we wish him luck on his ptsd as i absorb this story, and also some frostin', a reali9ation dawns on me and it brin's panic 5an is not ne,t to me ohshitni''er.pdf mfw I reali9e he is still cau'ht in the 'ravitational pull of 5immy 1ndless;(uffet 'rab a cupcake for him from the weary frontlinesman and make my way back into the saturated fo' of war

the hambeasts are now tryin' to 'et him to tell them which one of them is cuter, and apparently this is not an option one look at the cupcakes and both of the 2bsorbaloffs are consumed with more lust, hun'er and desire than my skinny, accented, lovely man could ever ellicit 5on (on 5uvenile @iabetes is stunned with both cravin's and hatred for me clearly tryin' to work out if I know the story decides to chance it, and ask me sweetly if I could brin' her one lolwut.hambeast 6sorry, I heard there was a limit on them. 7ou've already had your share6 look her dead in the eye watch a french fry swim past her pupil <an't Run @0< huffs and nearly passes out from the amount of physical e,ersion maintainin' her pout takes. 6looks like you're 'oin' to eat two, also6 glower I pass 5an the other cupcake and raise an eyebrow *amthra, flushes starts in on how i must have lost at least a bra cup;si9e because of my 6anore,ia6 5an looks into those 'reasy eyes with a strai'ht face 6lets hope she doesn't loose any more. *er chest mi'ht become even smaller than yours6 I have to split this up, it's too lon'. *eres the other half *ammstein looks like she's 'oin' to faint, knees are clearly bucklin' momsspa'hetti.mp: *amthra,, if you can recall from previous stories, has really small breasts compared to the rest of her they're more like flat slabs of ham 'rab bf by the arm and walk away determined to have last word in conversation, we steer clear are pretty successful until one of the office people announce that they /I82LL7 have the karaoke machine workin' wait.wut weird 'P&s karaoke set up han'in' out up at the back of the room this is bad on it's own, made worse due to copious drinkin' as a copin' mechanism to @aft /at/uck's behavior not lookin' forward to awardin' 6drunkest performance of 1ye of the )i'er6 achievement bad'e toni'ht but this is not even the final form of horror for who pushes past the crowd of drunk coworkers but /leetwood (i' 0ac, slobberin' and drunk 6my turn, my tuuuuuurn6

dear'od.strikemedown a couple people are obviously contemplatin' suicide fli'ht or fi'ht takes hold as some try to move away from the inevitable destruction of whatever holiday son' she will choose one woman has sunk to her knees in =uiet, 'ut;wrenchin' prayer *ammy *a'ar is now ti'htly 'rippin' the mic, 'rease drippin' from her fin'ers down the plastic cord and puddin' in front of our feet ofw a 'rease fire is +ust a lit ci'arette away mercifully, there is no sound in the machine breath si'h of relief and turn back to party activities but there ain't no rest for the wickedly thin, and the crackle of a live mic shoots throu'h the room theworstisyettocome.mp: <hocolate 0ilk *otel is now primpin' her luscious strands of hair, 'ettin' ready to destroy some beloved <hristmas tunes. mfw death metal blares throu'h the speakers @eath *ips has evidently decided to liven this party up with what I assume is the last mechanical breaths of a keytar in a trash compactor her mouth makes sounds I didn't really know e,isted wants attention, 'ets it. everyone is lookin' at her in complete horror si,ty;somethin' accountant looks like someone +ust murdered his family @ire >ei'ht is really 'ivin' this her all, shakin' that voluminous mass like it's tryin' to escape her orbit wonder if she will combust into a puddle of 'rease and ketchup even Side@ish looks apprehensive about this turn of events looks like her valiant efforts to appease the volcano of flesh have backfired now we are all doomed to burn in the ashes of 0t. /leshsuvius the discordant wails wear off, amplified heavy breathin' fills the room uhoh.callthemedics (anana's /oster the Beople is huffin' and whee9in', intently chokin' the mic with her fists puts it down, wobbles away into a nearby wooden chair aims herself and throws entire planet mass into the chair the poor piece of furniture 'ives a cry we all know what is comin' ne,t before it happens the initial crack is followed by un'odly thump it's finally happened, and N#Q of the office is too drunk not to burst into lau'hter JJ )op the Scales is sittin' on the floor, redfaced, in a pile of shattered wood

two reali9ations hit her fat skull at once3 " she has precisely one friend here atm, Side@ish, and even she is clearly mortified by this turn in events any people who tolerated her before are now an'ry because of the cupcake incident ! she can not 'et up alone thou'hts passin' throu'h her chocolate covered brain are clearly a rarity, and her face contorts be'ins weepin', blubberin' nonsensically calls out to 5an to help her 'et up 5an is obviously torn too polite to outri'ht refuse simply stares back at her in bewilderment Stuck in )he @oors starts thrashin' from side to side mfw she lets out a howl of pure ra'e and Side@ish is immediately at her side, yankin' up fat rolls everyone is mesmeri9ed by the orca whales' ma+estic dance eventually *amthra, makes it back onto her feet her knees weep deeply me and 5an +ust recoverin' from our rib crackin' lau'hter tears stain my face Streetli'ht 0eaty;fisto locks onto us barrels at us like we're an open buffet ofw there are still pieces of wood stuck to those ma+estic thi'hs before we can react there are two sweaty hams on my chest and I'm stumblin' backwards one of the office bros 'rabs me before i crash into wall see 5an launch at Baul 0c<artney O the (in'o >in's and shove her back her pud'y face looks almost human in it's shock 6S*1 02@1 01 /2LL6 mfw people look at her in utter disbelief 67.4 (R.I1 )*1 -.@@208 <*2IR6 5an is now furious *ammy @avis 5r., the cunnin' fo,, rethinks her blame strate'y as fast as those deep;fried 'rey cells let her erupts 6S*1 >2S L24-*I8- 2) 016, 'rease starts leakin' from eyeballs oh wait, sorry, those are tears 6>*. >2S8')F 7.4 <28') )R12) B1.BL1 LII1 )*IS, 7.4 -I28) *.L7 )1RR.R6 5an looks like he's about kill her, shoutin' at top volume

another office bro 'rabs his arm, and tells him to take me home part of me wants him to hit her, but don't want a +ailed bf, so I a'ree we leave, *amthra, is +ust ne,t 0onday, I 'et a phone call (f, *am <ooke O the Soup Stirrers and *R person on the line, speakerphoned am apolo'i9ed to for the push at first sarcastically, but *R makes her say it a'ain like a first 'rader after breakin' a window dearly wish I could have seen 0ore than a few <hain9's face 5an says it was ama9in' and sweaty mfw 5an has to apolo'i9e to :& Secs to 0ars (ar after she wails about bein' discriminated for her si9e and how bein' 6a few pounds heavier6 makes her a tar'et a few pounds heavier didn't think her wei'ht is actually measured in pounds anymore can hear 5an seethin' out an 6I'm sorry6 Rihamma vomits out 6I know you didn't mean it, honey6 am both dis'usted by her delusion and worried about the pet name (mi'ht try to spread him on a dou'hnut and eat him Super/at)ramp continues about how bein' with certain people makes us act differently, and we all need to date the people who understand us6 reali9e she blames me for this "&&Q take a deep breath 6maybe you should start datin' a 0c@onald's dumpster6 han' up phone This is the beginning of the end my friends. The Hamthrax drama only escalates from this point. So prepareyouranus.gif for the fallout that my bitchy remark bringeth upon us in the next aaaaaaaand I'm backA 2s always I have a healthy, heapin' helpin' of *amthra, 'oodness to throw at you. Sorry for the wait, colle'e is a bitch. I hope you all know that I should be writin' a :& pa'e paper ri'ht now. (ut I love this subreddit too much to let it starve and loose it's perfect curves. So onward to *amthra, dramaA )his is part one of a dinner party which now lives in infamy in the mind of the attendees. wewillnotfor'et.mpe'. @o I have to keep writin' that /u/notbel'ianbutdutch is bf, or are all you beautiful curvy lads and ladies aware of this factF be mid;february be me be around ":# lbs at this point losin'mass.httml

cau'ht dis'ustin' stomach bu' 'rosser than *amthra, at a slop trou'h sick for weeks, can't really keep food down bf takin' care of me, helpin' me recover with soothin' tales of *ammy and the (loated /ish bein' a total dick in the office looks like the holiday party is still fresh in everyone's mind no one likes her very much, so 7ellowLard's solution is to be doubly horrible she has redoubled her efforts to 'et into bf's pants, which hurts to conceptuali9e both literally and fi'uratively everyday poor man comes home with 'rease prints on his shirt also has massive pro+ect to deal with at work mfw i have no idea about I), but stressful for him and i hate seein' him worried Bi' /loyd is only makin' it worse company has bi' dinner planned for employees to keep up moral durin' crunch time really don't want to 'o because sick.pukin' but 'otta protect my man from a certain adipose clump ofw fancy occasion walk over to restaurant ohshit.mpe' this is a really upscale restaurant feel a little underdressed in a short;ish cocktail dress waspyasfuck.wav relieved to see most people dressed like us even Side@ish looks like she 'roomed herself for this ofw Sausa'e Linkin' Bork isn't there hope be'ins to spread amon'st the dinner 'uests we're all standin' in the upper floor of the restaurant by a table of cute h'orderves sippin' wine, chattin' to upper mana'ement set phasers to polite conversation am in the middle of bein' introduced to a mana'er I hadn't previously met when a sound cracks throu'h the air a waiter below us must have dropped a pot or somethin' really bi'. second thump oh wow so many waiters, so clumsy nervouslau'hter.+pe' third thump, closer this time .h 'od. Blease don't let be ;;

a fourth thump shakes the wine 'lasses restin' on the tables, caviar rolls of crackers 5ust an earth=uake fifth thump. a coworkers youn' son is thrown to the 'round by the force BL12S1 L1) I) (1 28 12R)*D42I1 have back to stairs, can't brin' myself to turn around smell it before I see it fermented heavy cream fills nostrils a cloud of cool ranch doritos crumbs covers my shoes look on mana'ers face confirms what i already know Re=uiem for a <reamsicle has arrived curiosity overtakes me and i turn +esustakewheelforIamweak.or' it's beautiful bf had for'otten to mention that since last i laid eyes on the 'lorious bi' boned 'oddess there was at least !& new pounds to love face is now impossibly fat, eyes are barely visible throu'h that cotta'e;cheese like comple,ion. let me relieve your an,iety3 she has dressed appropriately for this event oh, oh wait this >2S a meetin' of the *i'h School /reshman 2narchy <lub, ri'htF not an upscale dinner full of upper;mana'ement types definitely appropriate that the beast has a donned a tiny torn up denim skirt tiny is relative could have functioned as a tablecloth for a buffet fishnets under, her le's look e,actly like hams honey'la9ed.wf" top was a bed sheet like material tied on one shoulder, allowin' 'lorious left bin'o win' to rub up a'ainst *amthra,'s voluminous sidebooba'e/backfat combo am distracted from accumulatin' scar tissue on my eyeballs by sharp intake of breath mana'er who i was talkin' to is furious mutters under breath 6I can't fuckin' believe it6 walks away, i assume to drown himself in wine bf tells me they all 'ot a memo about dressin' appropriately and tastefully, with a note that it would be appreciated (read3 re=uired if people could take out all non;discrete piercin's

mfw this has obviously been directed at Iron (utterfry, yet two very obviously infected snakebites remain on that 'apin' maw hepatitis.bin wonder if 1at 2ll )hat Remains thinks mayonnaise is a disinfectant upon finishin' that thou'ht it appears we have been spotted the hippo is now char'in' us, her matin' call rises above the Seren'ti 522222aaaa22222aaaaaaa8 people flee our 'eneral location sympathetic looks are thrown, but nobody will make the sacrifice to distract her would never ask that of someone 2s I Lay /ryin' is now in our faces, huffin' as if she had +ust cau'ht up to a rou'e 0r. Softie truck smirks widely as she re'ards my wei'ht loss can see smears of ketchup in her teeth 6Lon' time no see rooms'otrooms, looks like you're disappearin'6 0assive *eart 2ttack smiles even wider at 5an, e,posin' more food stained teeth a powerful stench washes over us and I 'a' *amthra, 'ives a mockin' smile and whispers 6you should do that in the bathroom, 'irlie. no wonder you're so thin, you throw up everythin'6 smile back at the lump of dou'hy flesh oscillatin' in front of me 60aybe you should 'ive it a try. it mi'ht persuade you to use some mouthwash once in a while.6 hfw an eternity later when her fat covered 'rey cells process this statement 'lares at 5an, who's face has contorted with =uiet lau'hter mfw i reali9e *amthra, is waitin' for him to defend her lol>4).fuck tosses her hair back, everyone 'ets splattered with 'rease 'oes over to table of h'orderves, picks up canapR shockin'turnofevents.om' somethin' is wron' *am 0orrison's face twists in confusion/indi'estion 6why are these sandwiches so tinyF6 mfw i have no face Side@ish nervously appears like a ma'ical fat 'enie to e,plain they are 6like appeti9ers6 (uffalo >in'er is still unsettled by the si9e like a do' confronted with a vacuum cleaner, total confusion

this is the lon'est carbohydrates have lin'ered outside her suction tube 6how is this supposed to fill you upF6 the boulder ruminates aloud can't take it, must leave before my sides leave this earth permanently take 5an by the hand and search for hi'her, cleaner smellin' 'round stand by the bar there is no seatin' available in this area, surely 2rmin van (eetus will not follow nope.shit the rumblin' and a loud belch alerts us the the fact that *amthra, the 'reat re=uires alcohol one of the mana'ers cradles his face in his hands, wonderin' what he did to deserve this pla'ue on his workplace /at Jo orders a banana dai=uiri what is this, sprin' break in <aboF the bartender looks at her uncomprehendin'ly apolo'i9es, doesn't have a blender the monster howls and summons all of her ener'y to scream at the poor man stops when she sees the mana'er's face pure. an'er. *amthra, must reco'ni9e this look from that billion times she looked at her reflection after a buffet didn't restock fast enou'h 'rumbles 6this is bullshit6 and opens her sweat;covered purse ofw she pulls a 'reasy ! liter of <oke from the depths of the foul smellin' vacuum bartender's mouth is wide open as he searches our faces for confirmation that this is real life pretty accurate representation oh, sweet man, it is look over at 5an and reali9e he has turned puce and is lau'hin' hysterically /att O @im smiles over at him, and asks what is so funny he can't answer, lau'hter is chokin' him @iabetes 2ntwoord is now confused her delusions start fi'htin' with the reality that her beloved is obviously lau'hin' at her turns to me causes mini;cyclone with her movement 'ets about two inches from my face itburns.avi

6what did you say you skinny whoreF I'm S. done with you makin' fun of me behind my back6 the whisper come out alon' with flecks of food and a wave of di'ested <oke breath first of all, her back is so wide that most activities 'o on behind it thats +ust spacial physics second, hadn't said a word point both of these thin' out to her 5an has now lost all control, and 'rabs my hand so I can help him outside we escape with Iorn @o' hot on our trail, fumin' like bi' sweaty stack of pancakes she stops at the stairs her desire to preserve those curves is 'reater than the need for immediate ven'eance me and 5an step outside and lau'h so hard I almost throw up from the pain my sides are in ofw the dinner hasn't even be'an $ part ! /irst off, let me +ust thank each and every one of you ma'nificent roll; =ueens. 7ou all found time between battlin' the '(eetus and keepin' that delicious 'elatinous form to vote for *amthra, in the *ammys, and I couldn't be more 'rateful. I really wish i could deliver this one sooner, but somehow my calculus professor doesn't understand that I have a doctors note and 811@ ). >RI)1 /BS. Lets continue where we left off3 me and 5an weepin' tears of lau'hter outside an e,pensive restaurant, *amthra, and bf's company about to dine inside. be me and bf +ust finished cryin' our eyes out from lau'hter must 'o back upstairs, mana'ers are e,pectin' bf lock hands and walk up to'ether its us a'ainst the worldS Splanet relieved that dinner has been called 'o into dinin' room 'or'eous.maho'any table is set, proper silverware look over to see Red 5umpsuit 2ppafatus a few seats away throwin' 'lares like they're doctor's orders marvel at how she is still able s=uint eyes without fat cavin' into her eye sockets medicalmysteries.wav

there's a really small menu, pri, fi,e, with options for every dietary need well, not 1?1R7 dietary need theres an appeti9er, salad, dinner, and dessert course, with two or three choices for each i settle for the ve'etarian options, prayin' i can keep it down, feel in =ueasy after wine meanwhile /at /olds /ive is surprisin'ly cool says this place finally 'ot it ri'ht and that she should eat here more often 6'ood portions6 err.. alri'hty. make eye contact with 5an and he is +ust as pu99led waiter comes over and asks us which options we'd each like /elonious <hunk's face is a pasty, acne scarred, confused puddle of flab 6waddu u mean, optionF6 the table is utterly silent as everyone re'isters what she says she thou'ht the two or three dishes per course were 2LL 'oin' to be served per person she has no idea what a pri, fi,e menu is 5an makes a chokin' sound and it breaks the silence look over at him he is almost purple in the face with effort can't lau'h can't lau'h 04S) 8.) L24-* everyone around the table is either stiflin' hysterics, lookin' e,tremely uncomfortable or shakin' their heads in disbelief surely she didn't think normal people at : dishes for four courses apiece Side@ish looks mortified, leans over to Lady 2ntibulimia, tries to =uietly e,plain 6>4)FF6 67ou can only have one of the three6 one of the mana'er almost screams at her 2erosmithfield *ams is deep red blimp.+p' is clearly deeply wounded, eye fat droops downward 'rowls at the waiter 6can i 'et two of one thenFAAF6 nearly takes the man's head off waiter is still stunned

his mind is visibly bendin' under the pressure it takes to comprehend the full 'lory of (anana*ama only a bark from the beast awakens the man, who says he'll have to check starts takin' everyone else's orders 6<*1<I 8.>6 heads turn so fast all that can be heard is displaced air 6uhT.6 mana'er looks about to blow waiter takes one look at her and walks out the door what followed were minutes of absolute tension air was so thick (on;(on 5ovi tried to make a snack of it mana'er seethin'ly asks her why she thou'ht she was more important then the rest of us waitin' to order. 0illi ?anilli Ice <ream turns on the water works e,cuses waft from that 'apin' maw like bread aroma from a bakery fear for my metaphor as she'll try to eat that too 62* 811@ ). 02I1 S4R1 I -1) 18.4-* /..@ /.R 07 )*I-*R.I@S6 6I'0 8.) S.01 SI<I SII887 <*IL@ I 811@ ). 12)6 waiter comes back with two more curious lookin' waiters tells *ambuwumba she can only pick one ra'e. pure ra'e on the boar's face starts up the blubber factory mass i'norin' of /at <ompany starts other two waiters 'o around to take orders placin' orders while the beast 'lowers waiters leave, conversation be'ins to resume bf is tellin' mana'er about a drive we took out to lon' island Switch(diabetes /oot inter+ects every /I?1 /4<II8 S1<.8@S keeps talkin' about how well she knows 8ew 7ork and how many 'ood places she knows to eat doesn't count, she's the si9e of the fuckin' state, of course she knows it better surfacearea.al'ebra (f shoots her nasty look 6we're not talkin' about food6 (and of *ippos looks offended and confused clearly can't ima'ine not thinkin' about what to shove into her black; hole of consumption ne,t mana'er asks the company members to talk a little about the pro+ect borin', but its kind of the reason we're here

shut up and listen to presentation waiters brin' food in about half way throu'h bf's part (the last part of the pro+ect everyone else pushes plates a little bit forward common courtesy )alkin' *eadcheese doesn't abide by manners established by the thin; privile'e elite instead starts chowin' down I<ola Bop shoots da''ers in between drippin' mouthful of mushroom and cheese loudly announces that 6>1 2LL 811@ ). @I- I8 -47S6 bf counters +ust as loudly 68.) @.81 71)6. <uttin' <ake <rew continues eatin', chewin' loudly, makes eye contact with (/ 5an can't take it, screams across the table 6*.> 2(.4) 7.4 )R7 12)I8- LII1 B1.BL1, 8.) LII1 <.>SF6 )he /labulous )hunderthi'hs starts =uiverin' and cryin' shocker3 no one cares bf finishes up presentation takes five minutes everyone starts eatin', e,cept for <an't Runaways, whose massacred her appeti9er and is now eyefuckin' plates left and ri'ht start eatin' my food uh.oh almost half way throu'h portion (tiny portions by the way mfw i reali9e the combination of watchin' @on *amley scarf down her own portion and my still sensitive stomach will not end well e,cuse myself as =uickly as possible and almost run to the bathroom to hurl bent over the toilet, se,y as you please, throwin' up my 'uts suddenly the door opens (hadn't locked it in my haste 'oddamn it, it's )he .ver;Lovin Spoonful with a triumphant look on that fat mashed up face or maybe that's her face of indi'estion. hard to tell starts wild call ofT'od only knows if i hadn't been so sick I would have admired the way her stomach 'racefully escaped her tent, a 'rease stained slice of flesh dan'lin' from the elastic fabric her cankles flapped e,citedly in her fishnets ne,t thin' I know >ee9er is bellowin' 6I I81> I) I I81> I) I I81> I)6 people come runnin'

find me bein' sick, with )hick Li99y pointin' at me and shakin' her layers about people start freakin' out 5an helps me up, e,plainin' that I've been sick for at least a month no;; 6I I81> S*1 >2S 2 (4LI0I< @. 7.4 S11 5222228 >*2) II8@ ./ -IRL/RI18@ IS )*2)FFFFFFF6 dear 'od everyone is starin' at her, then starin' at me +immies3 rustled we interrupt this dramatic scene for more vomit mana'er tells everyone to leave and 'o back to ; wait, where did 0arinara O the @iabetes 'oF people 'o back to the room while I wash my face in the bathroom hear cries of ra'e, me and 5an make our way back )empura )rap had taken early leave and tried to eat everyone's leftover appeti9ers .// )*1IR BL2)1S starts wailin' about portion si9e lau'h so hard Ialmost puke a'ain mana'er tells 5an he should take me home /atti Smith starts yellin' 6*1 <28') -., *1 *2S ). S)276 mana'er tells her its okay, because she can't stay either until she 6learns to behave like a civili9ed human bein'6 oh 'od, puke/lau'hter mfw i walk out of the place arm in arm with my man as -usher stru''les down the stairs )LE@R3 *amthra, 'ets a verbal smack down from bf O boss, then thrown out of a fancy company dinner for bein' a rude cunt to me after I puke. Stay tune, the drama 'ets even more 'reasyA .h, hello there my round lovelies.I only have a little bit of time before finals eat me alive. >elcome back to the land of *amthra,, I'll be your 'uide on our ne,t le' of the tour3 the dance of <hocolate 0ilk *otel. If you can remember, we left with *ammy and the (loatedfish embarrassin' herself at an important dinner with the bosses lookin' on. 0e and 5an (also know as /atty (ait, or /u/notbel'ianbutdutch are nice(ish people with a hi'h tolerance for stupidity in the name of hilarity. )o those of you who asked/ e,pressed concern, I am much better, thank you 3 . )he stomach bu' came and went, and I am no lon'er 6bulimic6. but don't tell that to our friend *amthra,, or she mi'ht freak out and crush a mid;si9ed 5apanese <ity. <ut to early 0arch. (f has completed his part of the pro+ect and is 'enerally happier person. 2fter the dinner fiasco, *amthra, had to

apolo'i9e to the entire department in a meetin' in which she reveals that her ;wait for it; ;waaaaaait for it; ; waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit; )*7R.I@ has been causin' mood swin's and therefore she'll no lon'er be a dramatic bitch around the office. I don't want to shock you all, but there was about J1R. doctors / medical advice involved in this announcement. 2ccordin' to the mana'er 5an is friendly with, they've been tryin' to 'et rid of her since the <hristmas party, but *amthra, apparently 'ot herself a lawyer and threatened to wa'e a messy, 'reasy discrimination suit a'ainst them. Raise your hand if this shocks you. (ut now, onto our story3 its a lovely, fresh smellin', mayo;less day in the (i' 2pple. Duick someone tell her it's called that and she'll leave this city forever. 8ow, 5an, as much as I love him, can be literally the most for'etful person in the entire world. )his day he left his lunch, his phone, and his keys in the apartment. I had only mornin' classes that day, so I dropped by to 'ive him his stuff and have lunch while I was at it3 be me be dressed in black +eans, black shirt, black cardi'an and converse. unintentional.+pe' run up to office, no sense in takin' elevator office is on the $th floor walk to bf's cubicle, but am stopped by 'ale force winds try to keep a 'rip on all loose clothin' trouble breathin' han' onto nearest wall and inch forward there she is my one and only super si9ed delu,e ice cream surprise sittin' on Side@ish's desk in the ne,t cubicle over swin'in' le', causin' winds to send paper flyin' every which way munchin' on lar'e fries and what smells like -eneral )sao's chicken, but its white mfw I see the ranch dressin' bottle ne,t to her have a panic attack as I see bf with his head buried in his keyboard did she finally mana'ed to suck out his insides for her matin' ritualF Brayin'0antisScience)eacher.bffy run up to him, i'norin' primal howl from 0iike Slow shake his shoulders he +erks up like a vet in the middle of a B)S@ dream relieved when it is +ust me and not *ammy @avis <arl's 5r. whispers 6she's been here all break6 hollerin' in 'raphic detail about her recent con=uest teehee'in' at every possible +unction not occupied by food

'rab his hand and make our way to the break room packed some leftovers we're literally two steps from the cubicle 6hey SI@1@IS*, you know how 10. 'irls are always bulimicF6 Side@ish doesn't respond me and bf almost start 'i''lin' 6712* SII887 >*.R1S6 5an almost turns around, but I 'rab him and we race walk away break room is kind of small, two small tables, two chairs each eatin' facility is downstairs, but we don't have that much time microwave two portions 5an 'rabs forks and 'lasses of water and sits down at one of the tables smellslikeheaven.tofu hear the floorboards moanin' yup, what a shock @epeche a la mode's diabetes senses are tin'lin' literally +ust pull the plate out of the microwave 0umford and Scones is still clutchin' her tray of ranch;mutilated chinese tosses her massive body into one of the chairs it's comrades weep for the poor piece of furniture ba'pipes can be heard throu'h the room /atboy 8ot;So;Slim ( I see you, throwaway%U:#" 'ives me a smu' look is clearly pleased with her cunnin' manipulation of the seatin' *amthra, used (ein' 2 /at <untA it's not super effective i stru''le to keep a strai'ht face as I head to the other table bf scoops up water and forks and moves with me (runo 0ars bar looks shocked her brilliant move did not keep me from en+oyin' my food with bf 522222222222222aaaaa2222222aaaaaaaaa222n millions of @utch vomit in the streets 52222aaa22288 come sit with 01* I >2882 )1LL 7.4 S.01)*I8almost pass out as her ranch/chinese breath hits us 5an looks over his shoulder and asks her if it's about her 6boys6 6)11*11 8.TT. >1LL 71S I)S 2(.4) 7.44444446 winks and I 'a' 6)*1R1 S*1 -.1S 528, @.8)<*2 >2882 SI) .?1R *1R16 nope.nlo'o

8at Iin' <oleslaw takes what was supposed to be a se,y bite of her chicken, bitin' down on the plastic fork so hard it snaps 6..BBS )11*116 we can't help but stare as we eat she spits out the plastic, then sucks the ranch-chicken-saliva off the shards +esustakethewheel.e,e we start shovelin' food into our mouths to 'et out of there 6>2)<* .4) rooms'otrooms, I)S -.882 (1 B2I8/4L )*R.>I8)*2) 2LL 4B6 riotous lau'hter comes from 2voids -ym <lass *eros stops only when the music playin' from the small radio in the corner cha'es mfw when it's this son' for a metal fan, 2ll )ime Low (lood Bressure 6 L.?1 )*IS S.8- .* 07 -.@6 starts 6dancin'6 the dama'e from resultin' earth=uake is indeterminable combines 6se,y roll6 with 6look at from under eyelashes6 resultin' dance move sends us both into hysterics she +ust starts sin'in' louder we 'et up and clean up, as fast as humanly possible, this is the only way out .f 0ice and Ramen is still 'yr(o atin' as we try to evacuate mfw a senior mana'er is standin' in the doorway, mouth a'ape thisis'oin'tobeincrediblyfruitful.dds my life reaches it pinnacle as 8icklebackbreaker twirls around while hollerin' 6@.8)<*2 >28) S.01 ./ )*IS, (2(7F6 ofw as he tells her he needs to see her in his office for a 6talk6 flash her my bi''est smile and flip her off behind the mana'er's back ). (1 <.8)I841@T. )LE@R3 /atty dances the +i''les in front of a hi'her;up after harrassin' me and bf (one last part left buddies. control your beetus
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3537719 *amthra, ?III3 8ot (orn to Run

0y dear suns, it's been so lon', and I've missed your dysfunctional thyroids terribly. I've had a pretty shitty few weeks with school stuff and family drama, but I'm back to deliver a +uicy tale covered in full fat cream and su'ar. ReadyF -et those limpin' fakers off the wheel chairs and scooter off with me onto (road;way, for the finale of *amthra,

.pen on me, human si9ed lady 1nter bf, skinny feriner' I) dude (/u/notbel'ianbutdutch you know the drill it's mid;2pril, bf has stopped comin' home soaked in 'rease )he /labulous )hunderthi'hs has not been at work for past two weeks, accordin' to bf mana'ers are bein' =uiet about it theori9e the monstrosity has broken throu'h to the earths core +ustice.mpe' start brin'in' him lunch/ eatin' with him more often office is noticeably cleaner, li'hter, birds in the fuckin trees but there are clouds on the hori9on dark, heavy, 'rey, blobby clouds walk up to 5an's office at lunchtime place is deserted look around until I come to conference room awkwardly stand at 'lass doors as entire company is piled into the room, now starin' at me fuck 5an turns to boss, asks him if i can +oin, then upon 'ettin' a nod, lets me in wish i hadn't the smell hits me cheap flowery perfume over the smell of a rottin' diaper a loud 62*106 comes from the front of the room turn as a choir of children be' me to +ust leave but I can't 'o back now draped in a black tarp, hair now a sickly bri'ht red, horrific sunburn everywhere /attened Rabbit sits upon a throne of 'roanin' wood and achin' fabric scowlin' the best she can under what looks like !& lbs of brand new, lustrous fat the whiteboard behind her reads 6(ehavior in the >orkplace6 reali9e this must be a scholarly lecture, and <ake <uttin' <rew is 1,hibit 2 sit down ne,t to +an =uickly he =uickly whispers that the bosses have thrown to'ether a =uick meetin' about company policies re'ardin' conduct betanomore.office one of the mana'ers starts up a power;point starts 'oin' throu'h company rules

business casual only. no personal calls durin' work time no eatin' at the desks no e,cessive foul lan'ua'e no e,cessive absences no pets; <R48<* no pets in the off; <R48<* <R48<* no pets in the office, plea; <R48<* 6*amthra,, could you please hold off on thatF6 *ambuwumba 'lares at mana'er, family si9ed ba' of funyuns in her paws (L..@ S4-2R R2222-**** mana'er insists I <28') I *2?18') 12)18 2LL @27 6I'm sure you can wait a moment; (4) I'LL /2I8) fat lo'ic olympics , the +ud'es vote "& across the board mana'er 'ives other mana'ers a look, then shru's 'oes strai'ht into a talk about se,ual harassment 'oes throu'h the si'ns the le'al repercussions lets people know that if anyone has been the sub+ect of se,ual harassment in this office, they need to tell *R +an looks at me i look at +an we both look at -irth (rooksT who is drinkin' at !L 0ountain @ew puts the bottle down (to our ama9ement and winks at 5an vom mana'ers turn off powerpoint thank everyone, dismiss the room 6.hT *amthra,, could you stay here a moment pleaseF6 end scene I , curtains try to close, hit @on *amley's folds me and 5an 'o off to break room to eat lunch half way throu'h our sandwiches we heard it an elephant has been wounded 'oddamn poachers i swear to '; I'002 <2LL 02* L2>71R 8. 7.4 2R1 2LL /4<II8 /2) S*20I8- BI-S me and +an break a land speed record runnin' out to the hallway

mana'er is drenched in mountain dew, as <an't >alk the 0oon is barrelin' down the hallway 7.4 @.8) *2?1 )*1 /4<II8 (2LLS ). /272R 01 4 /2) S*20I8BI1<1S ./ S*I) oh my 'od it's happenin' +an 'rabs me and pushes over to where his favorite mana'er is standin', open mouthed after shakin' the man out of fatlo'ic shock, we know that the inevitable has happened upper mana'ement had called her in presented her with violatin' almost all of the conduct rules apparently Scroobius (limp had been 'one from work for two weeks on 6sick leave6 but had uploaded (horrific /acebook pictures of her on 5ones (each beachedwhale.f, story time is interrupted as See 8o -reens reappears, holdin' her phone, and starts screamin' a'ain 2SI 287.81 I'0 )*1 (1S) >.RI1R *1R1 1?1R7.81 L.?1S 01 I 2I8') 81?2 *2RR2SS1@ 8. .81 the silence left after this last shriek is so heavy the floor almost collapses with the combined stress everyone is lookin' at 5an the time has come 8ow my friends, is where your +immies can be aven'ed. 7ou've all sat here, at your computer screens, shakin' fists in frustration. <ries of 6(etaA6 and 6pushover6 have echoed throu'h the hall. (ut it is upon us. I wanted you to hold on and e,perience the naked, 'reasy +ustice now. 5an nodds and steps up 67eah, thats not true at all6 6*amthra, has been makin' workin' here really difficult. She's made advances toward me, and won't let me work. She's also made my 'irlfriend very upset with some of the thin's she says.6 I nod, and tell the entire office that I'm really tired of bein' called anore,ic, and bulimic re;tell the dinner fiasco, and e,plain how she violated my privacy other female coworkers start talkin' food stealin', thin shamin', strai'ht;up middle school style bullyin' )om /atty and the Scalebreakers starts screamin' 522222aaa2228888 @.1S8) 811@ 2 SII887 (I)<* LII1 7.4 *1S >2I)I8- /.R 7.4 ). @R.B @12@ S. *1 <28 -1) >I)* 2 R12L >.028 LII1 01 *1S 54S) L7I8- ). 7.4 2LL RI-*) 8.> 7.4 <48)S

lunges at me winds herself completely trips on power cord everyone suffers the blowback as %&&lbs of human e,crement hits the floor % security 'uards from all around the buildin' are summoned to remove the thrashin' whale fear for their safety as the wran'lin' commences. sweat everythere hollers of thin privile'e and anore,ia still echo across the halls today, etched in the air /in 1@I)3 I ain't neva 'onna =uit you /BS, neva. Look for mini *amthra, tales from coworkers, and I'll never stop writin' up my personal hammy encounters. Love you more than mayo with a nice side of mayo.
>illiam 0ilkShakespeare at the )rack

*ello a'ain my perfect circles, I don't have another *amthra, story to share =uite yet (am 'oin' to a company picnic this weekend to scope out more from coworkers . (ut I +ust 'ot back from the track and boy are my +immies about to rustle strai'ht into space. 2s you may or may not remember, I hail from a lon' line of Boles. Specifically the fair skinned, blushin' kind. >hen workin' out my face tends to become not +ust flushed, but fuckin' stopli'ht red. It's embarrassin', but I need my 'ains and i L.?1 runnin' outdoors. be me at the track hot as fuckin' hell on a stick why run so close to middayF because I make poor life choices thats why finish my :rd mile lappin' once more before headin' home to my old man redder than a fire hydrant with a tannin' problem seriously look sun stroked out suddenly shade wonder if Rush was ri'ht, and the trees are finally attackin' unrestintheforest.mpe' nope, +ust a 'iant woman in a skin ti'ht tank top and black shorts *ammy @avid )hyroid is #'"&, at what I 'uess is :&&lbs walkin' alon' the last rin' of the track at a slow pace looks about !#, lon' black hair han'in' all over the place no +ud'ement, in fact, she's the bomb for headin' out in this heat and workin' it 'ive her a smile and carry on at a moderate pace

finish the lap, stretchin' on the 'rass nearby see /. Scott /at9'erald approachin' me, 'larin' not concerned, most people stare at me to make sure my face isn't moltin' bellows 6e,cuse me6 look around, the 'rass is literally empty but for me 6sorryF6 1.(. (read narrows her eyes 6uh, can I sitF6 6uh... yeah6 public fuckin' park am about to leave anyhow continue stretchin' Salman Rushdiabetes keeps 'ivin' me the stink eye 6so... are you all ri'htF6 i look at her for a second and lau'h 6oh yeah, my face is always this red after runnin', plus the heat6 pity crosses her face 6mmmmmhm, that's not what i mean. I noticed you were takin' it really hard out there6 6thanks6 2llen -insbread does a double take 6see i knew it. you're one of those e,treme dieters. 7ou have to stop self;harmin', 'irlfriend6 .kay, I hate the term 'irlfriend, honey, darlin' from a stran'er, especially in this condescendin' way this woman was usin' it. She seemed very well educated, and I'm sure she's the fuckin' bomb at whatever she does, but I'm not # years old. i ask her what she means, and if tryin' to be fit and healthy is self harmin' 6well, first of all i'm talkin' about this6 as she points to a bruise on my upper thi'h 6oh, don't worry about that, my boyfriend and I 'ot a new dinin' table recently, and I'm a klut9, I ban' into it constantly.6 at the word boyfriend she turns ice cold +owls warblin', 6is he the one pressurin' you to stay skinnyFFF6 6 no I;6 6*2?1 7.4 1?18 *12R@ ./ *21SF6 look at her look up at the sun to make sure I'm not +ust strokin' out look back at her don't want to pinch myself for fear of bein' labeled self;harmin' a'ain yup this is happenin'

6yeah, and I honestly think it's used as an e,cuse to be la9y, and not try your hardest to work at betterin' yourself6 an'er, pure strai'ht hate in 5am 5oyce's voice 6well, look at us. 7ou look like you're about to die, and I'm not even sweaty6 6....how much did you runF6 -ustave /labert 'rowls6same as you6 6... you ran : milesF6 6well, I walked them, but basically, yes6 basicallybasicallybasically 6you know that a mile is % laps aroundF6 nothin'. -or'e RR 0ountain is silent I take this as a cue to +o' back home and immediately inform 5an and /BS +immies set ma, rustle

Open letter by Mlungisi Xulu on Kenny Kunene

June 22, 2013

A short OPEN LETTER to all Comrades of the MDM, lar!f"!n# the m!asmat! !nsolen e of $enn" $unene% &'e la (s a)a !t"*

+ell, let me )er,ade "ou of the t!t!llat!on, em-edded !n the e,entual state of -e!n# a )ara#on of )erfe t!on !n the ardent utmost ut!l!.at!on of lo#! , as an ANC !n l!ned )ol!t! al a t!,!st/ 0n !dl!n# t!mes, one ou#ht to au#ment the !n essant )ur)ort!on of -e!n# a-reast, -eaut" )ar e1 ellen e, 2!th the !ntelle tual re#!me, and res!st desolat!on "!eld!n# )etulan e, 2h! h fuels o-l!terated re usan e, !mm!serat!n# from e1)ert!se, la ( thereof/

The a))arent fa ade of )eo)le l!(e $enn" $unene o-s ur!tl" ornamented 2!th de e!t, )arades !#no-l" -rut!sh at the )er!)her" of en#a#ement 2!th the astute/ The !nh!-!t!on of -e!n# )rone to d!la)!dat!on throu#h #ratu!tous ad,an ement, !s assua#ed -" sola e of ar-!trar" -roo(, of )er)etual resear h hen e a)a !tat!on/ Des!st!n# dement!n# )a2nsh!) of the t"rann! de#radat!on, one ou#ht to forsa(e !n!m! al!t", on e!t, enm!t" and an!mos!t"/

A ord!n#l" so, let us )er ul!arl" )ersue a)a !tat!on, hen e reat!n# a oter!e !n defense of the a r!mon", lashed out -" )eo)le l!(e $enn" $unene, 3lo"d 4h!,am-u &The )!,otal Author* and Jul!us Malema, all !n mantels, at our Mass Demo rat! Mo,ement,

the )eo)le of Afr! a and all 4outh Afr! ans/ 0 )!t" 5the sush!6fool,7 as he tantamounts a so #ull!-le throu#h h!s o2n !m-e !leness, to these o-st!nate refra tor!es/

er -all, a m!ser of a)a !t", and "et

4!m)l" )ut, he la (s a)a !t" hen e ,ulnera-le to an" e1ternal for e8

Mlun#!s! 9ulu6 A !t!.en of 4outh Afr! a, on,e"s to h!s Comrades

Mlun#!s! 9ulu &+r!tes !n h!s o2n a)a !t"/ '!s ,!e2s are not al!#ned 2!th an" stru ture that he has, or m!#ht urrentl" -e ser,!n#*

http://youtu.be/4hNYrc !Hh4
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