Teknolust: Not a German movie, not a Kraftwerk album, not good.

The film proper starts with Tilda Swinton, rather stoically, wiping off a fogged shower window to reveal her face, confirming that this film will be artistic in more than one respect. She steps out of this shower to apply some red lipstick, confirming that she will not be playing a man here. The camera cuts back to reveal the three-way mirror in which Tilda is looking at herself. How this can represent the fact that this film is about clones of Tilda Swintons character, I dont have any possible clue.

Now ladies, if we could stop texting on our cell phones for a minute, we can get ready for the Silk Spectre lookalike contest. So after that, she puts a leash on her neck with this metal square as the centerpiece and a greyhaired guy walks into the bathroom to caress her. With these images coming at me, alongside the exotic-sounding music, Im fairly sure Ive stepped into a perfume commercial. Then Swinton pulls out a red condom as the guy asks, Do we have to? Oh, great, its one of those clever abstinence commercials that promotes something else, and then cleverly changes its tune at the end of the commercial. Its like, Im totally on board to buy this new taco that this commercial is apparently promoting, and then the Chihuahua has to say, Yo quiero AIDS test? That just grates my gourd. But Swinton insists on the condom, and the guy obliges. He gets pulled down, and they do the deed. Whether the deed was sex or Joan Crawford-esque tile scrubbing remains to be seen. Next thing you know, the guy is laying spent in the corner, as if he happened to ejaculate his bowels at the same time, as Swinton bags the condom and pulls out a mini-camera to photograph the guy. He asks if this

some sort of weird fetish, to which she says, Yes. Fully dressed again, Swinton asks the man if they could cuddle for a sec before she leaves. Jeff Bridges-Lite obliges accordingly. Then, we cut to the snuggling, wherein Swinton finally pushes her neck button thingy. The button beeps (which it will do often throughout the course of the film, and annoy me in the process), and she tells the man shes late. He insists she stay the night so he can proceed getting some more of that fine art-house ass, but she mutters that she cant because the mans quota is used up and that she told him threes the charm. Hair Club for Men states that he thought she was kidding, but Swinton insists: Told you. Just sex. No attachments. God, if theres one thing that I want in a woman, its Tarzan English that would even have Rorschach from Watchmen puzzled. Hrmm, indeed. Now Swinton is off the floor, and telling Diet Kurt Russell that most people only get to two. In the mirror, the word RUBY is written on it with lipstick. Yay, a character name! Though the guy asks if thats supposed to make him feel better, Ruby just does a little curtsy, thanks the guy, and walks out the door. A fade to white reveals the bagged condom is now being boiled in a glass jar, and making me strangely thirsty for some tea. A pair of tongs pulls the condom out and into a new jar labeled ALEX: 12/3, with the guys picture above the label. Now theres a way to ensure your girlfriends about your latest sexual escapade. As for me, a Han Solo-esque carbonite mold does the trick much easier.

Finally out of ideas for Pixar movies, a desperate John Lasseter pitches The Cancerous Testicle and the Littlest Teapot to Disney executives. Seth Rogen and Scarlett Johannson are cast in their respective roles 2 days later. And as for the thirst for tea? Well, next thing you know, that boiling water is, in fact, being poured into a tea kettle. I is psychic? The tea kettle is then placed on a tray with some cups and carried by Ruby. She is now wearing a red kimono and a neck bracelet with her name written on it, 4th-grade art class style. As she moves from the living room with the tray, she stops to look out the window. There, we see a man in the across building, staring forlornly at his computer screen, probably saddened that Steve Irwins REAL Death Video (I SWEAR!) was another ear-raping Rick Roll. Ruby, having no sympathy for this Ben Gibbard-impersonator, moves on to a staircase leading to the lower level of this apartment. She stops in front of a wall to press one of the tiles, to reveal a hidden hallway. She goes to the end of the hallway to a green door, where she lays down the tea of Earls Grey

Matter. As she walks into an adjoining room with a sliding red door, the green door slides open to revealanother Tilda Swinton, now with blond hair and a green kimono? Holy Michael Clayton, Batman! Then, the green Swinton goes into the room, which also has a green dcor. She sits on a green chair to pour the tea into the cups, as a red-haired woman in a blue kimono lies on the green bed next to her. Green Swinton tells the woman to wake up for breakfast, and as this woman picks up the cup of tea, her face shows that itsANOTHER TILDA SWINTON! What in the name of Stephanie Daley is afoot here? Both take sips of the concoction, with green Swinton especially savoring it and declaring it delicious. Blue Swinton sleepily agrees, and I slowly but surely drain my own kettle down the sink. By the way, both of these girls also have name necklaces. The green one is named Olive, while the blue one is named Marinne. Ah, because they each are variations on the colors that theyre wearing! Well, thatsslightly clever. Then we cut to Ruby in her room, drinking some of the tea herself. She then picks up a red napkin, while Olive picks up a blue napkin and asks Marinne if shes hungry. As it turns out, a syringe is inside each of the napkins, apparently containing some more man-yolk. Olive injects Marinne with the syringe in the webbing between her thumb and index finger. You fools! You know that hands would rather die in childbirth before going the in-vitro route! Yes, I know Thing from The Addams Family had his family that way, but hes got a lot of money to burn! Sigh. Just throwing that out there. Sorry if I seem preachy. Anyhoo, we cut to an flatscreen TV display, in either one or both of the rooms, that electronically flashes the word SLEEP in stereotypical future-font. Ooh, will this episode of Freakazoid! be presented in Sleep-O-Vision? But before the Swinton bunch obey the TV, they stretch out their arms to prep for sleep as they apparently are following the O.J. Simpson method for relaxation. Olive snuggles with Marinne as she enters her bed, while Ruby actually lies down in a cot on the other side of her room instead of her own wide mattress. So what if your mom died on that bed? It doesnt smell that bad! The screen now flashes the word DOWNLOAD, and fades to a clip from the film The Last Time I Saw Paris. (PUBLIC DOMAIN!) I know this because the title is in the left-hand corner of the screen, probably to reassure the Swinton clones and the audience that the film is not Liar Liar, The Burbs, or And You Thought Your Parents Were Weird! So Elizabeth Taylors in the film, telling some guy that she wants to live every day like it is the last day. Judging Lizs recent public appearances, every day could be the last day for her, because that bitch is OLD. The film image projects over the sleeping Ruby, creating the false impression that she can be eaten by Liz Taylors big head at any second. Taylor asks of her beau a promise: Dont ever let the celebration end. A line pivotal later in the film, or another case of filmmakers showing a good movie in the midst of their bad one? Text your answer to a friend you really hate. We then cut to yet ANOTHER Tilda Swinton, sleeping in a plain white bed and wearing a frizzy secretary wig. For the love of Orlando, movie, stop this madness! Also next to Swinton #4 is a blue iMac

with a timer on the screen. Once it goes off, the word REFRESH blinks in the timer and a beeping sound comes on to wake her up. She glances at her watch, puts on a nearby pair of glasses, and gets up out of bed to brush her teeth and check her hair. She then walks to the bed with a backpack and checks her iMac; judging by how fast these puppies went back in the early-Noughties, this should take a while.

Mrs. Swintons wig courtesy of Central Mountain High Schools production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. On the display, we see a red-framed picture of Rose with Alex from the films beginning, the words DONOR ARCHIVE right underneath it. A daily calendar pops up to reveal this Swinton to beDr. Rosetta Stone. Well, other than increasing her chances of being an alternate Bond girl, that name all but ensures that Michael Phelps will be on hand to endorse one of her experiments! On the schedule, Dr. Stone has to check RSA levels at 10, attend a meeting with Crick at Lab at 12, and rent new video tapes at 1. Boy, having to deal with those dickheads at Blockbuster and having to examine complex computer science? I admire my own daily schedule even more: Go to class, do assignments, go to play practice, watch and review an unintelligible Tilda Swinton movie. Rosetta does some clicking and typing, closes up the computer, and shoves it in her pack. Next, were in a blue-tinged laboratory that has some sort of contraption with tubes and aluminum foil and wires andthings. Anyway, Rosetta knocks on the door and catches the attention of the man working behind the science thingy. This is presumably Mr. Crick, who is not the overbearing headmaster in a Charles Dickens novel that his name suggests. But he does looks vaguely like Slumdog Millionare director Danny Boyle, whose smile at the recent Academy Awards ceremony vaguely reminded me of Timmy from South Park. But I digress.

Just...getting it out there. Crick and Rosetta are next seen walking down the hallway, as Rosetta helps Crick remember an Aristotle quote: By nature, we desire to know. The paradoxical thing about that, inquires Crick, is that many times, its the side effects of knowledge that are the most dangerous. Man, even in trying to get them to recount what happened on Burn Notice last night, scientists will always have some sort of quote from a Greek philosopher to divert the conversation. As they enter another lab with science doodads, they keep laughing and giggling over this conversation that I keep missing out on. CRICK: Re-creation is recreation! (awkward chuckling) ROSETTA: (awkward chuckling) Not bad! CRICK: Yeah, yeah. Neither is your thesis on artificial intelligence viruses! And for some reason, he drawls the last word out awkwardly: Vyyy, ress, ess. Either he was holding back a hiccup, is one of the Thermians from Galaxy Quest, or just wanted to pull out his Torgo impression for a second there. Huh. That troubling moment aside, Rosetta thanks him, but insists that theyre not viruses, but non-virus based SRAs: Self Replicating Automatons. (But wait a minute, the schedule on Rosettas computer said to check for RSA levels and not SRA. Simple typo on Rosettas part, or simple typo on the filmmakers part? Make your answer your Twitter status and see if I care!) Crick notes that they mime and reproduce like viruses, but Rosetta insists they dont. And even though these two chuckle through the whole conversation, I suspect that this conversation may soon take a turn into passionate debate. After that? Its all-out war: pay-per-view, no-holds-barred, a 7-year-old ingnue from MIT getting to play referee, and plenty of blood begging to be shed.

fgj But Crick and Rosetta still keep it clean, with the former saying that the most important thing to me is the creation of reliable software that makes the world a better and safer place. Though Rosetta just nods her head and keeps playing around with a yellow-beaded molecule model in this scene, Crick gets serious and asks her when hell get to see them. Goddamn it, Crick, lets not get into a custody battle in the middle of our work! But Rosetta says he cant see them, them apparently being the robo-clones that shes got down in the basement. She insists theyre only theory and not possible for20 years. And if even if it were possible, as she goes on to say, Id suppress their reproduction codes so that they would be tightly, quite strictly controlled. So how does watered-down man-gravy work with that? Crick inquires that 20 years is a step, blink of an eye in the cognizant scheme of things. This man has apparently never had to wait around for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skullwhich I actually admire him for. So Rosetta perkily adds that it may be 50 years! Or maybe never! After another nervous chuckle, which seems to be Miss Swintons acting speciality these days, she repeats that it is only theory before both of them have another fit of fake laughter. So was DNA, adds Crick in a break from the yukking-up. Swintons face also goes dim in response as the scene fades to white. And that, ladies and gents, was a scene from The Two Kids Who Actually Took The Time To Discuss Todays Subject In Physics With Mr. Denslow After Class Was Over: The Movie. Now the white fades to Rubys face staring into the camera as she sits on her bed. She asks someone off-camera, What can I do for you? We then cut to a screen display that kind of looks like a DVD menu. The title at top is Rubys E Dream Portal, with three icons on the left directing to Portals A through C. In the background on the right is Rubys face superimposed over what seems to be the door to her room, the only moving facial feature being her lips. I will have problems with this film. So Rubys Clutch Cargo-esque lips say to an apparent audience, I can teach you to dream. We then cut to the one overtly-sensitive guy that would browse this kind of site: the mop-topped coffee-shopper from the beginning of the film! Ruby apparently asks Conor Oberst here to click my lycons and emote from your remote. But isnt this a computer with a keyboard, and not a remote? Isnt that just your way of developing a lame rhyme scheme? Again, I digress here as to tell you that Ruby practically begs the wuss to evolve with me and have the two e-dream together. But before Jeff Mangum can pull out his debit card to fire up the e-dreaming, Mom knocks on the door with a plate of food. Instead of racing to

wipe the lotion off his pants, the guy calmly closes his computer before Mom can get a good look at her sons computer classes.

Ruby: Internet sensation and frequent guest on Conan OBrien. After a slightly weary sigh that all but says, Where did I go wrong? she asks Elliot Smith if he slept well, to which he agrees. Mom then goes about rustling her sons bed sheets to find a magazine. You must meet lots of nice women at work, Mom inquires. Many, many women, mumbles Thom Yorke in reply, and they all get upset at me. Mother thinks that the women are probably just trying to get his attention, since hes an executive there. Liam Gallagher lathers on the self-pity with, I make copies, Mom. Your son makes copiesIm a hole puncher-outer with a stapler. Well, to be fair, its his customers that do the punching-outing, and only Doug gets to use the stapler without permission from the manager.

Grunge, by Calvin Klein: It takes a lot of grooming to look this dirty. Always running yourself down, laments Mrs. Pete Wentz (no, not Ashlee Simpson!), without being aware that this douche is also running the audience down. Why cant either of you be Tilda Swinton, damn it? My jobs somewhere down here, says Kurt Cobain as he puts his hand down to the floor to illustrate. He puts it up in the middle to illustrate trash collector and up at the top for soda jerk. What about just a plain jerk? Can you flip yourself off to illustrate that one? Mom laughs back and finally offers her son the bagel in her hand. Rivers Cuomo politely refuses the bagel to apparently illustrate the level of his love life. As Mom partakes in the bagel, she tells her son of how she met his father at the pharmacy, when he was a dishwasher. He reacts by placing dishwasher at the level

between trash collector and soda jerk. Now hes seen looking at a collection of distorted prints that Bearded Zac Efron apparently created himself as he laments: Who needs problems? Ive got problems, and I really like other things that have problems, and most people dont want problems. I believe David Byrne once wrote that so many people have their problems. Im not interested in their problems. Here, I agree wholeheartedly. Now shave and speak at a higher volume already. Mom tells him to just be patient. The right girls gonna find you. As she is lying to him, the scene mercifully ends. Well, thank Jebus thats done with. The next scene couldnt be any more bewildering or frustrating, right? Right? Well, Im almost sure that this wont be the case here. Were now in a doctors office of sorts, where a man walks from behind a white curtain. This man happens to be, again, Alex from the films start, but now has got a rash and some sort of ink marking between his eyes, on his forehead. As he pulls his pants up, a young and Indian-looking doctor comes in with a stethoscope to his heart. Then another doctor who looks like Sigmund Freud comes in on the other side to check his left ear. The Indian doctor whispers to Alex, Have you eaten anything unusual lately? Hmm. Wonder why theyre whispering. Alex says that he doesnt think so. The doctor whispers again to Alex that he wants him to eliminate all wheat, sugar, and dairy from your diet as he keeps examining the rash. Well, fine, but why do you have to whisper? Alex asks his doctor if the rash is serious as Freud keeps looking him over. The doc whispers that he suspects its just an allergic reaction. Seriously, is your mom sleeping? What in the hell am I missing here? The doctor, as he writes in his handy dandy notebook, asks if this has happened before. Wait, Im sorry. I meant to say he whispers if this has--WAIT, WHAT THE HELL? GODDAMN IT! Alex says its never happened before as Dr. Library Patron keeps scribbling. He stops to whisper, Get some rest and-- Why? Why? WHYYYYYYY ARE YOU WHISPERING?!? Freud stops the doctor to mutter something in his ear. Alex insists to hear what was said, to which the doctor cheerfully replies, Dont stress. Well, youre stressing me out, and leaving me confused. I hope youre happy Alex gets slightly frustrated, almost as frustrated as I am, and belts, Look, Im impotent! The doctor, as he goes on scribbling, whispers that hell prescribe some medicine once the systems cleared of sugar. Grr. Freud whispers in Dev Patels ear again, and the doctor whisper-asks Alex when was the last time he had sexual intercourse. GRR. Alex says he did a few days ago, and is whisper-asked if it was protected. GRRRRRRRAHHHHH. Alex replies that it was, and that she insisted on it. As the doctor nods and Freud keeps eying Alex up and down, another merciful end arrives to the events. AhemWHY DID YOU DO THAT? What was the point? Is this going to be explained later in the film? Why in the hell is the old guy whispering to you about what he has to say? Why are you smirking like you know something that Alex and the audience dont know? What is it? What is your deal? Who is Keyzer Soze? Whos the black sheep? Whats the black sheep? How can I kill you? GRAAHHHH!!!

Wow, Mr. Bridges! I never knew working with Robert Downey, Jr. was a TRUE delight! But surely Gwenyth Paltrow had to be a pain, with that rock-star husband of hers? NO?!? Next, we see Rosetta browsing the video store for those new video tapes, in what looks more like Quentin Tarantinos basement than any video store Ive ever been to. Its all just a bunch of randomly shelved, suspiciously porno-looking VHS tapes. Where are the DVDs, wheres the beef jerky on sale, wheres the shitty Disney comedy playing on the store monitors? But Rosetta still gets her video tapes, and heads out the door. We cut to her back on the computer, checking those RSA levels for her clone-bots that she apparently put off doing at 10 am. Guess there was a really good Spongebob on that morning. So Rosetta finds that Rubys X chromosomes are at low levels, via a blinking message that states: X CHROMOSOMES: LOW LEVELS!! Rosetta clears the SRA level monitor off her screen, and opens up a new folder of motivational tapes. Aw, great, does this mean we have to sit through Sperm Tea: A Valuable Resource Hosted by Billy Dee Williams again?

Hi, Im Billy Dee Williams. Join me on a fantastic discovery of the best methods to collect the number 1 resource among all you fine Tilda Swinton clones out there: male ejaculate. Either way, Rosetta stumbles upon a film that begins hotsyncing to Rubys TV. She imports the film, which happens to be the Frank Sinatra junkie classic The Man With The Golden Arm. (PUBLIC DOMAIN!) And no, Sinatra does not actually have a golden arm that he uses on Ava Gardner throughout the film. Thatd be a reference to a spousal abuse, and thats just wrongly hilarious. So, the film plays as Ruby sleeps away, as Sinatra and his squeeze talk about some guy named Mario. The girl tells Frankie, Sinatras character, that hes looking good and asks if hes going to be a drummer now. Frankie is pessimistic that he wont get the job, apparently unaware of how junk improves your coordination skills, but the dame bets him hell play fine. Youve got a natural rhythm, says this girl. We then hear these

lines play back in Rubys head as she apparently turns her head around and tries to make out with the projection of the woman in the film. Well, I personally enjoy just making it look as if I was picking one of their noses, but whatever.

When you attend Lawrence Woolsleys latest chiller, The Attack of Antony Hegarty, watch out as the androgynous songsmith with a penchant for violence pops out from the screen! But before she can get into it, Ruby is next seen walking into some sort of bar with a red jacket. She comes up to the first guy she sees, a balding and pudgy guy sitting alone at a table who kinda-sorta looks like Tiny Tim, but with better skin tone, a lot of added pounds, glasses, and a significant lack of ukelele. She quickly walks from him and goes up to the bar, where she walks up to a blond guy with glasses contemplating something and looking like cocaine-era David Bowie. Ruby, who, much like Tilda Swinton herself, just plain looks like David Bowie, breathily says to the man: Youre looking good, Frankie. You got a natural rhythm. The man, seeming puzzled, turns to Ruby and says that hes working. That is to say, hes working at looking like hes working so as to avoid Sinatra movie-quoting sperm seekers, and does so like a true expert.

Come on. You dont really want to collaborate with Brian Eno and Iggy Pop, David. Come back to the fabulous side, baby! Ruby hestitantly moves back to the Penguin and tries the same line. The poor sap ends up looking confused and stuck in a Ricky Gervais-esque awkward silence, leading Ruby to ask him what movie the lines from. The apparently sex-deprived Penguin man squeaks out, You got me. Ruby decides to give him a hint, which happens to beanother random line from the movie. As he struggles

to mouth out words, Ruby says to him that the film is about an addict. Well, that rules out The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking and Were Back! A Dinosaurs Story, but didnt the villain from Were Back! have an addiction to kids dreams or something? Anyway, Ruby goes on to say that his was drugs. Mine? Then she proceeds to push her neck bracelet and leads the guy on to destination unknown. I can tell youre someone special, Ruby says to the disoriented man on their way. He thanks her, then turns to her and asks if shes nuts. Ruby laughs softly to herself in response, proving that the awkward laugh is truly a Swinton-perfected art. Ruby leads Penguin down an orange-lit hallway, which just makes me thirsty for both orange soda and sex at the same time. She leads her prey down to one of the bathroom, and shoves him inside up against the window. Of course, she insists that he use protection. Growing more befuddled by the nanosecond, Penguin apologizes to Ruby: I wasnt expecting you. But Ruby happens to have some with her. Before they go on, Ruby asks the man if he wants this to stop. Seeming so befuddled that hes on the verge of a seizure, the Penguin insists that hes not used to Rubys style. And God knows Im not either. Red dress with an orange backdrop? OMG, cereal color clash, girlfriend! Ruby, however, just gets to it, and with another beep of the leash (that means shes happy!), our befuddled victim literally goes down for the count. Another beep fades to the two cuddling afterwards, with Penguin staring off into the distance and Ruby seeming into it. Soon enough, she gets up, takes a picture of the guy, and leaves him stammering and confused as usual. You see, its because hes chubby and baldingand isnt very used tosexualencounter. Ha.

Um, excuse me. Uh, I, I, I believe you have my virginity. Rubys hand is seen putting up her latest conquests batch up in the cupboard, revealing his name to be Tim. Also, the dates December 30th, making me sort of sad that I wont get to see how wild the Christmas parties get over at Rosettas laboratory. Next, we cut to Olive recreating scenes from The Man with the Golden Arm by injecting some more sperm into that webbing of hers. Then, we come back tough, Mopey Printer Guy as he does something weird. Here, he seems to be conducting two of the printing presses as they mobilize as usual, as if they weremakingmusic. Yeah, better check if theres a skin suit underneath that tweed sweater of his. A blond woman with glasses and looking slightly pregnant (I hope) happens to walk in on him as he acts weird, and asks him for some assistance.

If you had to hear these things humming all day, you, too, would soon think that you heard the opening bars of White Rabbit in there somewhere. She asks Sling Blade if a botched printed poster that she holds in her hands happens to be his fault, emphasizing how unacceptable it is and how utterly useless these posters are now. Just get your posters printed and stop bitching, lady! Its not Rain Mans fault that hes slightly cracked and doesnt like his job; its societys fault. Speaking of him, he reacts to the situation by telling the woman how bad he is at this job and agreeing to do the posters over again. Apparently, these posters have some sort of warning that needs to be spread to the townspeople. Hey, lady, if this menace happens to be rock n roll, you sort of missed the gravy train there a few decades ago; its all about the hip-hopping and gangsta rap nowadays. So as the lady leaves The Other Sister behind to get the prints done in 1 hour, he turns the copier on accordingly and continues to conduct the printing presses. Okay, we get it. Youre more in tune with machinery than you are with human beings. Just fall in love with one of the Swintonbots already! We fade to white again, back to another shot of Ruby talking the camera that is now projected against the wall. For those not quite in tune with the dialogue quite yet, Ive added a nifty translation with this next piece of dialogue. RUBY: Loneliness lives on our net frontier. Even motherboards and Flash acquire touch. Think of passion, each time you click me into you. E-dream with me before you crash. TRANSLATION: This films writer is clearly not the cool professor over at her college. I certainly hoped this helped out the Joe Schmoes of the world. So we fade from more white to Rosetta staring into the computer screen. We cut to her talking to the computer, telling Ruby that shes the most popular portal on the Internet. Sadly, she was beaten out by that website where you can paste your face on a dancing leprechaun the next day, so take that as bittersweet. Rosetta also says that the chat she had that day about dreams on the portal was brilliant, but wants Ruby to be more robotic so as to not let anyone know that shes a real person. Well, looks like the Robot Acting School has got another satisfied customer on the way! Ruby also has a new program to share with Rosetta in order to cheer her up. With that, Ruby sticks her fingernail into a socket and kicks out the jams. (NOTE: Teknolusts definition of jams is

merely limited to the same generic techno music scoring this film, but slightly peppier. Any use of actual jams, such as Tag Teams Whoomp! There It Is, Technotronics Pump Up the Jam, or C&C Music Factorys Gonna Make You Sweat, is prohibited by appropriate copyrights.) And so the robo-clones, all of them now in yellow robes, do a semi-rehearsed dance, which iswell, itsactually too awesome for words. You know that scene in a chick flick when the girls get together and dance to Aint No Mountain High Enough? This is like that, but with more Tilda Swinton and green tiles. Which is to say: Its awesome, and the effect of having these clones together is really awesome for a film of this budget. Of course, I would have liked a Motown song better than this techno dogshit, but copyright is a fickle mistress. So once that burst of awesome ends, the film gets back into the groove of dullness and confusion. An amused Rosetta asks of the girls where they learned to dance like that. Thats when Marinne bursts in and asks if Rosetta liked it. Well, that wasnt even the question that Rosetta asked, Marinne, and we all know that she clearly enjoyed it. God damn it, Marinne, you really are the slow one of the bunch. Thanks for ruining the mood. So Rosetta calls the routine gorgeous, Marinne smiles like the stupid BITCH that she is, and were off to the next scene. We see Rosetta running to the building, probably because that dumb WHORE had to ask that STUPID question. Im sorry, but she clearly enjoyed that routine and didnt need to be asked if she liked it. And besides, you didnt even dance on cue. You just hopped around like a dolphin (a stupid one, at that) and decided in the middle of the routine to join in the line. And you cant even coordinate with the line! Its justwhew, I almost got a little tense there. Im never going to watch a movie and impersonate Bob Fosse at the same time ever again. Actually, I dont know why I wanted to do it in the first place. Dont even know what the guy actually sounds like. Oh, well. Its back to miscellaneous technobabble exposition, as Rosetta and Crick meet up for another discussion. Crick asks Rosetta again if SRAs are only theory, and Rosetta keeps insisting that yeah, they are: I mean, this is only a university, right? Ah, so theyre not just using an abandoned warehouse to live out their unfulfilled dreams of science. Well, proven wrong again. Crick goes on to say that it only take one cell to make a living thing human, which my dad always taught me was the jail cell. Proven wrong yet again! When Rosetta then brings up the possibility of a synthetic human cell, Crick tells her that she would need a patent for it to make it legal and financially viable. Rosetta then thinks of an interesting question for that: How do you patent life? Well, I thought you just ejaculated into a cup, shook it up, and sold it across America with a colorful label that says Sea Monkeys. (Thank you! Ill be back later in the review with my material on Pet Rocks!) Crick then talks a bit on how the Icelandic government is patenting the citizens genetic codes and how big corporations are patenting scraps of medicinal trees and Chinese poison spiders. Well, since the Icelandic government just collapsed recently, I now dont have to give a damn about half of that statement. Crick: 0. Me: The entire population of Iceland under my regime. Lastly, Crick warns Rosetta to make sure that you dont download yourself into your own research. Clearly, this is a man who has underestimated the value of seeing three versions of yourself dance for your pleasure.

And the film drudges on from here to cut to Rosetta lighting a candle on each of three cupcakes in her kitchen. Turns out that its the birthday of her clones, which I know because she wishes the girls a happy birthday by corresponding via microwave, and proceeds to blow ouWAIT A MINUTE NOW! Shes corresponding to them through the window of a microwave? A MICROWAVE?!? The same place where I cook my Meatball Mozzarella Lean Pockets is used as a way for people to communicate with each other from long distance? Im sorry, is thisa joke? I certainly dont see it being used as a joke. This is used without any irony whatsoever, no sense of absurdity, and God knows these filmmakers cant work the same comedic magic on a microwave that Monty Python did with non-existent horses and a pair of coconut halves. What is this movies major malfunction? So, the way this telecommunicative microwave works is that it cuts to each of the clones looking at the camera, one at a time. First, we see Ruby on the screen, smiling happily at Rosettas birthday wishes. Then it cuts to Marinne yelling at the screen, BABY PICTURES! Gah, now shes got me excited! Yes, please, show us the baby pictures, goddamn it! Those kids have got to be bigger than the spawns of Brangelina, Tomkat, and God combined! BRING US BABY PICTURES! Rosetta responds with a playful cry of A-GAAAAIN? Yes, bitch, again! I havent gotten to see these pictures, and I want to very badly! And maybe you can throw some Ultrasound scans in there! Well, since we are dealing with androids here, their concept of baby pictures is Rosetta bringing up on her computer a file labeled RECIPE FILES. The display also happens to tell us that the droids are 50% HUMAN and 50% SOFTWARE. Yeesh, these androids are so wishy-washy when it comes to their genetic construction. From the looks of the computer display, a sequence is initiated, a CGI model of a DNA strand dissolves into white-colored, Matrix-like code, and that code unfurls in a curtain-like fashion to bring us those baby pictures. But these pictures

Bai Ling and Bobby Fischer star in Serendipity 2: So, want me give you good time? BLARGHAFLARRGA, THE HOLOCAUST DIDNT HAPPEN! MARGERFARGE, 9/11 WAS AWESOME!

When all else has failed, call in legendary actor Dennis Hopper to blow the enemy away with a performance of his monologue from True Romance!

As a ventriloquist, Tilda Swinton had to find out the hard way that epilepsy was not a comedy goldmine.

E! News reports that comedy up-and-comer Danny McBride and singer Kylie Minogue were recently seen spotted stealing hits, and maybe swapping kisses, over at 02 this weekend!

Oop, my cells beeping. 30 Rocks on tonight. Change the channel. But sir, I think we should really survey the patients So help me God, Stevenson, I will put you in that quarantine myself if Right away, sir!

This is all that you have brought back from Earth, Beldar?

Certainly not, Highmaster. Some

Chewing gum?